Astrology, cemetery jobs, and dance tips

I'm just shutting off this phone here if it will go off. I want to go off. I'm nervous. What the heck? It won't go off. Okay. I am ready. I am ready, Jeremy. Jeremy. One question. Do you want me to play the whole theme song and then you're going to come in, or do you come in in the middle? No, play the whole theme song. I come in, and then the very end, the whole thing. Okay. Sounds good. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Hello from downtown Los Angeles. You're listening to Skid Row Radio. Hello, everybody. It's 1110 a.m. Welcome to Chickster's Nest. Don't be scared. I'm the Chickster. Hello and welcome. The insane in the membrane. Time for everybody to crash into the best show on radio. Now that you know who I am, the Chickster, a warm welcome to all of my chums and constituents, including the Sewing Club of America, the Fast Food Club, and Lard Eaters Anonymous, the Cardiac Arrest Club, the Brass Ball Society. Hello to all thespians, lesbians, librarians, and planetarians. Hello to the gays, the strays, and mustache. Hello to the playing ranch lays. Hello to the bums and schlubs and card clubs. The hazy, the lazy. The shady, landlords, boarders, hoarders. The mamas and papas and kookarachas. Hello, the outraged and the caged. Hello to animal lovers and gerbilists. Hello to all optimists and pessimists, psychiatrists and optometrists, and seeing eye dogs. The good, the plain, the good, the plain, if and ugly. Welcome, everybody, to the greatest sensation. In the nation, Chickster's Nest. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to play this song. Number two, my engineer, Laramie Jeremy. If the shoe fits right, wear it. Happy feet. And if you will get lost. In the maze of a bitter author. And if you will get lost. Happy feet, da da da, happy feet, da da da, happy feet, oh I love it. Happy feet, da da da, happy feet, da da da, happy feet, oh I love it. Telefonei, rai, probabilmente a me tuo schiavo d'amore, ti divertirai, che traguardi vuoi farmi trovare. My gold-pearie, da da da da da, my gold-pearie, da da da da da, happy feet, da da da da da, happy feet. Happy feet, da da da, happy feet, da da da da, happy feet, oh I love it. Happy feet, da da da, happy feet, da da da, happy feet, oh I love it. A che mostra entrae, un Picasso in fiamme ti può andare Ne discuterai con qualcuno che ne sa parlare Mai tuoi piedi tap tap taratap Mai tuoi piedi tap tap taratap Happy feet, taratap, happy feet Taratap, happy feet And how will you love it? Happy feet, taratap, happy feet Taratap, happy feet And how will you love it? Mai tuoi piedi tap tap taratap Mai tuoi piedi tap tap taratap Happy feet, taratap, happy feet Taratap, happy feet And how will you love it? Happy Feet Happy Feet Happy Feet Happy Feet Happy Feet Happy Feet Happy Feet Pablo Conte This is Chickster's Nest Yes? Yes? What is it? Oh, yes Say mister Hello? Hello? Answer me What do you want? Don't you know that this is Skid Row Radio? I'm on the air. I can't help you Can't you see what I'm doing here? Oh, boy What a coincidence I got off the air right here on Skid Row With two cardboard boxes Smashed flat, you know I use it as a bed I have a fart cushion underneath And I'm listening on a transistor radio Hey, uh, mister We got something in common here Look, buddy How'd you know my name was Buddy? I don't know Maybe it's mental telepathy Maybe you're senile Son of a bitch You know my last name, too What do you mean? My complete name is Buddy Senile Simply amazing Look here, buddy Uh, I mean, senile Uh, this here is Skid Row Radio And I'm the host, known as The Chickster And this show has nothing to do with Skid Row Speaking of where I need to fix my shopping cart My shopping cart has a flat tire Please fix it, mister I need a tune-up Look, I don't fix shopping carts And besides, do I look like a mechanic to you? Yeah, you look like the main technician You're a rag repairman Except your ass is a lot fatter And you have an ugly lip With a straggly, ugly, unruly mustache A salt-and-pepper mustache With mustard stains all over it Look, look, buddy You better leave right now Before I call the police to chug you away Even a two-dollar chug Couldn't make me leave Look, I'll call those new Rookie cops up the block You know, the ones that have that That new beat Who? Who's that, chicky-poo? Charles Shaw and Trader Joe Oh, you can't do that Okay, senile, I give up You win I gotta get back to my listening audience I'll fix your shopping cart Pick it up in a week No charge, it's on the house Thanks, chicky-poo I'll see you in a week Goodbye Oh, boy, I tell ya I don't know what to do with somebody like that This is ridiculous Absolutely ridiculous You're sitting at your cousin's dance recital, ladies and gentlemen The room is so quiet You can hear a pin drop That unmistakable noise That unforgettable smell You have just farted Congratulations You have just cut the cheese You have just let one rip out Farts come from two sources Some farts are simply swallowed air That never burped out The rest happens to be The best happens when bacteria in the intestines break down undigested food The byproduct of the breakdown An interesting leftover gas With an aroma of, well, rotten eggs or sauerbraun Most of the gas you make is absorbed through the sponge-like walls of the intestines But sometimes one of the gas buddies try to sneak out when no one's looking The ten foods that can make you airborne are Beans Broccoli Brussels sprouts Cabbage Cauliflower Carbonated beverages Dairy products And white bread In conclusion, folks Farts are the real weapons of gas destruction What do you call a fart in German? Far from poppin' Confucius say that man who fart in church must sit in his own pew Did you hear about the constipated wheel of fortune player? He wanted to buy a ball A good fart is like a good cigar They are the best And they both stink Dr. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Squeeze it a watermelon, but please no squeeze it a banana. Hello everyone, this is Una Moon, the sister of Una Mars, and I am your astrological forecaster on behalf of the Chickster's Nest podcast here at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California. I'd like to wish all of you who are Aquarius a wonderful year. In fact, your year will be an exciting one, a chance to encounter a new sweetie or simply a new best friend. Take your time with decisions and all will work out just fine. Now to take a look at the exciting Chinese New Year. According to the Chinese zodiac, the new year of 2012 is the year of the dragon, which begins on January 23, 2012 and ends on February 9, 2013. The dragon is a creature of myth and legend. In ancient China, the celestial dragon represents an emperor and power. Today, it is the ultimate auspicious symbol, signifying the new year of the dragon. The new year of 2012 is the year of the dragon, signifying success and happiness. May the celestial dragon bring great good luck to everyone. People born in the year of the dragon share certain characteristics. Innovative, enterprising, self-assured, brave, passionate, conceited, and quick-tempered. The dragons are free spirits of the Chinese zodiac. Restrictions blow out their creative spirit, which means they are ready to flame into life. So they must be free and uninhibited. The dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and irrepressible. Everything dragons do is on a grand scale. Big ideas and extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. And now I have a special treat for all of you sweeties out there. Tea for two and tea for you, a boy for me, a girl for you. Anyone for a nice cup of tea? Notice that all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the tea. In most cases, it is just more expensive. And in some cases, even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was tea, not the cup. But you consciously went for the best cups. And then you began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this. Life is the tea. Your job, money, and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The type of cup one does not define nor change the quality of life a person lives. Sometimes by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the tea. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. This is Una Moon signing off. Until next time. Yeah, that was Una Moon. And now, my friends, on behalf of Skid Row Studios, we introduce you to fingertip jobs with the one and only Hedley Hunter. Hello, my friends of the breakfast show. With the economy the way it is and shrinking into a dead zone, you might have to take this job and shove it. I'm talking about a great... ...grave digger position at Forst Gorn Cemetery. The graveyard shift. The watchdog shift. You could be a watchguard in-house. Or you could be a coffin pop-up demonstrator. You could be a yard salesman or a handkerchief collector. These jobs are available. These are not dead-end jobs, my friends. They are alive and pending. Many excellent benefits at Forst Gorn. And your assets won't be frozen. And your salary won't be thawed out weekly. Working at Forst Gorn is not a dying-out business. People are dying to get in. A steady job that will go on and on till eternity. Take your vows. A steady job. Till death do you part. Say I do! More benefits. Coffin and donuts served daily. A stiff drink of your choice. 24-hour rise-and-shine buffet. With such entrees as crematory of wheat, two-eyes stirring or poached out. Cadaver's stew. Chipped spinal beef. Them there bones. Pickled brains. Believe me, you won't starve to death. Yes, my friends, this is Hedley Hunter for Forst Gorn. And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna actually call Forst Gorn. I'd like to call them up and ask some questions. Such as, uh, a tisket a tasket. Bury me in a green and yellow basket. It's my casket. Don't I have a choice? Can I grow my own flowers, or do I have to buy some? You know, at Forst Gorn, you don't have a chance. But if you play your cards right, you'll get there. Yes, my friends, this is Hedley Hunter. And, uh, I'm gonna speak to somebody at Forst Gorn. I don't know. You know that Bambi and the Seven Dwarfs were buried there. Famous people, of course. I, uh, would like to share with you, uh... Oh, dear. Oh, boy. I hear the busy signal. They must be... Well, they must be... Somebody must be digging it. Anyway, I think we'll try back a little bit later. But you know something, folks? Life is not over with. You need good luck and a lot of mazel. Mazel. Yes, my friends. You need mazel. Not a dying-out business, that's for sure. You've got to have a little mazel Cause mazel means good luck And with a little mazel You'll always have a buck And if you have no mazel And though you're on the ball You try and try and can't get by You beat your head against the wall Don't ever try to figure why You seem to be the blame That some folks have a million And can't even write their name You gotta have a little muzzle And you never will get stuck Cause with a little muzzle You'll always have good luck You gotta have a little muzzle Cause muzzle means good luck And with a little muzzle You'll always have a buck And if you have no muzzle And though you're on the ball You try and try and can't get by You beat your head against the wall Don't ever try to figure why You seem to be the blame That some folks have a million And can't even write their name You gotta have a little muzzle And you never will get stuck Cause with a little muzzle You'll always have good luck Don't ever try to figure why You seem to be the blame That some folks have a million And can't even write their name You're gonna have a little muzzle And you never will get stuck Cause with a little muzzle You'll always have good luck Oh, you'll always have good luck Muzzle means good luck to you Yeah, this is the Chickster on Skid Row Radio and that was Muzzle, Louis Prima. There was a very cruel dictator. He would go into foreign lands and bring back shrunken heads. He even taxed his own people and made some of them give him blowjobs as payment for farming the land. Finally, three gay grandmothers, Hortense, Agnes, and students got fed up and organized a protest. They fought the oppression by carrying signs that said, The dictator was a dick! After many years of revolt, they finally cut off the dictator's penis for punishment. He had to marry a eunuch and live in seclusion somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. And he was settling down, finally. And he decided to knit and crochet from a ball of yarn a wool penis cover that would fit over a breadstick. Yes, my friends, this is what happens in life. And the moral of the story is, once a dick, always a dick. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, life goes on. Time for a commercial. Meow! Meow! Introducing kitty litter chocolate gourmet treats by Pussy Wussy. Premium hand-dipped morsels of fine Belgium chocolate. Filled with fresh squat cat shit. And hand-dipped out of the Nemus Marcus litter box catalog. Made without foul odors, fur pie, or harmful chemicals. Treat yourself to a good pussy lickin'. And she'll scream for more! Look for the pink, blue, and white bag at your favorite co-pet, smart pet, or ignoramus stores. Kitty litter. Yes. Pussy Wussy chocolate gourmet treats. By the makers of Menopause. Meow! Meow! Meow! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is Skid Row Radio here. I'm the Chickster for Chickster's Nest. If you have any questions, please call this station right now. Call this station, and I'd love to hear from you. And you can call this number at 800-893-9562. 800-893-9562. Chickster's Nest. Or simply log on to info at skidrowstudios.com. That's info at skidrowstudios.com. I'd love to hear from you. I really would. Vroooooom! Vroooooom! Vroooooom! Captain! Captain! Call me by my right name, lad. What name, sir? Captain Abercrombie. Captain Abercrombie, sir. And? And? And? Captain Abercrombie and Bitch. And Fitch. And Fitch. And Fitch! Captain Abercrombie and no Bitch. Without Bitch. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch. Precisely. Hmm. Hmm. Something smells incredibly fishy and smells delicious. What did you say? What did you say? Something smells fishy and delicious. I'm eating me pickled herring. Should have been pickled hearing. Oh. Yeah. And what kind of salad is that, sir? Iceberg. Now, what's your beef, young man? I'm a vegetarian. Oh, horse shit! I can eat that, too, sir. What else is on your mind, lad? Well, you see, sir, I've got a sweet tooth. What kind of cake do they serve on the crypanic? Upside-down cake. Now, tell me, Captain, why is it every time I order a Coca-Cola on this ship, it's lukewarm? Why can't you wait till we hit the sea rocks? Why, everybody'll have ice. Tell me, Captain Abercrombie, do you think this ship is seaworthy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's preposterous. Why, the crypanic is the greatest ship to sail the seven seas. Ahem. Caution. Carelessness. Crashing. Cardboard. Collapsible. Curtains. And catastrophe. Do you realize, young man, that this ship is made from the finest sawdust and spitting gum that Wrigley has to offer? Why, the hull of the ship, for instance, is made with tungsten steel from the good folks at the Gillette Safety Razor Company. And the engines are designed by the Pep Boys, Matty, Moe, and Jack. The fixtures are provided by the 98-cent store only. Sounds like a real winner. And don't worry about a thing, lad. Why, the chief designer of our crypanic ship had a lisp. And he said, that's unthinkable. Why, it's sink or swim, sir. We only have seven lifeboat jackets. So I don't know what to say. I don't know how to swim. Yes, my friends, don't go on the crypanic. You might cry for help. But don't go on that ship. And now I'd like to introduce you to this song by Spike Jones and the City Slickers, by the beautiful sea. Spike Jones and the City Slickers A song by Spike Jones and the City Slickers A song by Spike Jones and the City Slickers A song by Spike Jones and the City Slickers Wait a minute! Cut! Stop! Hello. Yes, this is Spike Jones. You say you're listening to a musical quiz program and you want to know the name of the mystery tune they're playing? Are you kidding? We don't even know the name of the tune we're playing. By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea You and me, you and me, oh how happy we'll be When each wave comes a-rolling in We will sink or swim And we'll float and play around the water Over and under and then up for air My's rich, my's rich, so now what do we care? I love to be beside your side Beside the sea, beside the seaside By the beautiful sea Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music! Time for Fractured Jokes. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. Why is air like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're getting any. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A hundred people who don't do dick. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? He walked around saying, yo. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Yes, these are Fractured Jokes. And I'd like to bring back the one and only Una Moon. She has some more words of wisdom for us. Hello, this is Una Moon once again. And I just want to leave you with a few more words of wisdom. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Be gentle with the earth. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for it. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for it. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for it. And last but not least, judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Thank you. This is Una Moon. Until next time. Thank you, Una Moon. Hello, my friends. Why you say my name is Jaka Fara. I'm the founder of the famous... Why you say Jaka Fara dance... Academy in the heart of Hollywood. Remember, my friends, anybody could learn how to dance, even if you're a little backwards. Well, you have to excuse me anyway, whether you're too damn tall or a fat ass giant, you can learn how to dance. Any idiot can do it. Why can't you do it? You know, even if you have a big foot, a small enough foot, a little foot, a big ankle, I mean, you can learn how to dance. I will personally work with you, and I'll work with you 24 hours until your deodorant runs out. You'll say this is jacafera for the, uh, fera, jaca, jacafera, jacafera, fera, jaca, oh, I'm getting senile. You'll have to excuse me. Thank you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you've been listening to, uh, Chickster's Nest here, uh, Skid Row Studios, and, uh, you've all heard about your raggedy melodies, everything from opera down to harmony. Here's a little song that I will sing to you. Yes, it's gonna win you through and through. Now, there ain't much to the words, but the music is grand. You'll be singing it to the beat. Now, you've all heard of your will-o'-the-wisp, but give a little and listen to this. Jada, jada, jada-dada-da-da-da. I said jada, jada, jada-dada-da-da-da-da. Ah, back to the Chickster. Yeah, this is the Chickster on Skid Row Radio, and I want to thank my engineer here. Uh, his name is Laramie Jeremy. You know, I came from a real poor neighborhood, folks. We were so poor, we had to send out Christmas cards with food stamps. Of course, you know who I am. I'm the Chickster. When I was a baby, my parents could have eaten me up. Now, they're sorry they didn't. You know, my parents didn't like me. Once, they bronzed my baby's shoes while my feet were still in them. But all kidding aside, my parents never gave up on me. Never, except once. My father, he threw me high into the air, and then he walked away. I wasn't potty-trained, either. I was a bit of a And he sold the cow for wholesale, because he couldn't retail it. Yes, my friends, this is the Chickster. I'm with Skid Row Radio. And, uh, I want to thank everybody for being with us here at Skid Row. I want to thank my boss, and his name is Jeremy Hansen. He's did a, he did an outstanding job. I want to thank the one and only, the astrological forecaster, Una Moon, for being with us. Oh, thank you, Chickster. Thank you, Jeremy. Quite welcome. Thank you, guys. I want to thank Adam Shankman for his support out there. And you guys. Utah, somewheres. And, uh, I, I thank you for putting me on, uh, Jeremy. It's, it's been a great show. I, I really enjoyed it. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, until next week, uh, this is the Chickster signing off for Chickster's Nest. And, uh, thank you very much. And, uh, I'll see you soon, and thanks again. Thanks again. Thanks again. Thanks again. Thanks again. Thanks again. Thanks again. Thanks again.