VA scandal, NBA playoffs, Porterville bullying, Snake Game

Less clapping That's a note that I heard the other day I actually couldn't clap Because I stapled my finger Accidentally at work And it's infected Is that why you stopped smoking weed? Because you were that high You stapled your own hand No I was sober at work It was a very bizarre once in a lifetime accident He's sober right now He's not high But he does have a 7-Eleven pizza You should only be high When you buy a 7-Eleven pizza I know Trust me I'm disappointed in myself This is This is This is the Sarcastic News Live show My name is Justin Cross And the voice over there With the 7-Eleven pizza That's Eric Feldstein everybody Eric Feldstein Yeah he needs no applause Those days are long gone No applause No more applause for Eric That girlish voice Is Joe And And I've been getting girlier by the day Joe's He's going to be live tweeting tonight's show for us He's our It's tough Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!! Yeah Is that Is that your O-Face What you just did there? I'm I'm very My penis is flaccid Getting excited And in the back as always She does an amazing job Jenny Guzman Is in the back Guzman Good night As always though We begin tonight Oh you know what Before I Hold on I'm sorry I didn't even intro our guests Jesus And I didn't even say We're coming at you live folks From the Skid Row Studios Right here in the heart of LA's 24 hour chicken and waffle district Okay? We got a great show for you tonight Our guest She's a journalist From PolicyMike.com She's been with us several times in the past She's very smart Very funny And she may even be joining us For the trivia game tonight The snake game Nice From the Daily BC Atlantic And of course PolicyMike.com We're talking about Laura Diamond Will be our guest tonight Friend of the show Friend of the show It's been a little while She's in She's in New York So she'll be calling in kind of late Her time But that's As she puts it That's when she gets started So Okay Um She works journalism hours So Uh But as always We begin the night As we always do With The Sarcastic News Live Rundown Our top story Uh The White House Fought on Tuesday To contain the growing political furor Over allegations of misconduct At the nation's veterans hospitals And if you guys have been following this Uh But regarding the allegations White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said about President Obama Quote He! Is not at all pleased With some of the allegations And will be extremely unhappy If some of them prove to be true Adding quote He'll be so unhappy That he may even decide To put the VA in timeout And if other allegations Prove to be true He may even take away TV privileges after 9pm And enact a strict curfew Even on their summer vacation That's straight from White House Press Secretary Jay Carney Um And he described The anger of the situation Um Uh Describing this other man's anger Of the situation Secretary of the VA Eric Shinshensky Said quote I am mad as hell Of course If he's mad as hell Uh The growing The growing injustices at the VA I'm sure He'd be glad to explain this To CNN We've been trying to get an interview With Eric Shinshensky As you said Since last November Because you've been trying for months Eric continue your request Well I didn't get any call back today Again No response to our request They simply do not respond We are again requesting an interview With General Shinshensky Again The invitation for Secretary Shinshensky To come on the program Or talk to Drew Stands The man is Eric First of all Anderson Cooper Has a way of just Very mildly Putting somebody in their place Like He's so good at it Uh huh Anyway That was uh I don't have much to add to that But uh I think we can all agree That He is so mad right now He can't even He can't even talk to CNN He can't even talk to them He hasn't been able to do it For months He's been that mad He's been boiling Uh The most damning allegation though Came recently in Phoenix Where a VA hospital Is accused of falsifying Waiting lists In order to hide The long delays Facing veterans Seeking assistance Oh geez Apparently Get this The old fashioned method Of saying they were out of cash But would give them change After making their purchase At the register Was starting to get old And while Arizona Has yet to legalize Marijuana To the American people Uh Potheads From bordering Colorado Are trying their hardest To help veterans By sending quote Anything green This includes But is not limited To marijuana Salvia The occasional dollar bill Spinach And Gumby Or as they say in Arizona The only legal alien They accept Uh I should have said E.T. Instead of Gumby Whatever I like Gumby Gumby is classy Gumby is good I like Gumby Thanks guys I got a lot of yes men Over here No no no No Management is here today We're all on our jobs She looks so nice people But she is judging Um Not true I'm kidding In sports The NBA conference finals Uh Are going on as we speak In the eastern conference The Miami Heat And the Indiana Pacers Are battling it out While in the western conference San Antonio And Oklahoma Are going head to head Now for those Who follow the NBA These matchups Aren't a huge surprise So for the nine people Who follow the NBA These matchups Aren't a huge surprise I'm sorry I guess more people do There's ten Yeah It's double digits Not even you though Joe No I didn't I don't watch any of the games now It's boring Now I don't know If you guys are following this In Iran Six individuals Were arrested For making An A quote Obnoxious fan video Of the Pharrell Williams song Happy Uh This is true While many are outraged That regular citizens Would actually be arrested For being happy Iranian president Hassan Rouhani Says that He sent out a message On his Twitter account That read quote Hashtag happiness Is our people's right We shouldn't be too hard On behaviors caused by joy Adding quote But seriously This song is really Fucking obnoxious Uh They quote They curse a lot Over in Iran Um And finally A word to the wise Don't get bullied In Porterville, California Guys Don't get Bullyed In Porterville, California Uh This past week The mayor of Porterville Uh Cameron Hamilton Which is a man Uh With a walrus mustache Who strongly resembles Actor and diabetes Treatment advocate Wilford Brimley Uh Said in a city council Meeting This I'm against bullying But I'm getting Damn tired of it Being used as a mantra For everything And it ills the world When When All most people Have to do Is grow a pear Oh that's great If you think that's bad Actually If you think that's good The City council woman's Uh This is a city council meeting City council woman Virginia Guralo Gurala Uh Immediately challenged The mayor Saying this It is hard To stand up And grow a pear When you're maybe A ten year old Little girl Uh With that folks We got a great show For tonight Our guest She's a journalist From policymike.com Like I said She's written for The Atlantic Uh Daily Beast Laura Diamond Is gonna be our guest She's gonna be calling in From New York Uh So stay tuned for that And we've got uh What's happening in your neighborhood We've got the snake game We're back After a week off Uh Snake Crony is crossing his arms And looking at me Staring through my soul really Uh As I continue to speak here Eric Feldstein He's not high And that's just weird Uh Joe He's Hey he's doing something He's doing something He's here He's either live tweeting Or checking his text messages I'm just texting Yeah I'm the bad kid in class Nah that's okay I've done three live tweets actually Nice Is that good? That's huge That's impressive Do I get to keep my job? Absolutely Right He really did scare everyone That's That's My new management style I've learned recently Yeah He sent out an email With your picture It was very stern It was very scary Yeah Very stern headshot We got a great show for you If you want to call in Tell us about what's happening In your neighborhood In the next segment Call in 800-893-957 62800 893-9562 My name's Justin Cross We're gonna be right back here On Sarcastic News Live Bye bye bye Bye bye Bye bye I'm doing this tonight Probably gonna start a fight I'm doing this tonight I know this can't be right Hey baby come on I loved you endlessly And you weren't there for me So now it's time to leave And make it alone I know that I can't take no more It ain't no lie I wanna see you out that door Baby bye bye bye Bye bye Don't wanna be a fool for you Just wanna be a fool for you Just another player in your game of two You may hate me But it ain't no lie Baby bye bye bye Bye bye I don't really wanna make you tell me I just wanna tell you that I had enough It might sound crazy But it ain't no lie Baby bye bye bye Oh oh You just hit me with the truth Now girl you're more than welcome to So give me one more chance Give me one good reason Baby come on I live for you and me And now I really come to see That life would be much better Once you're gone I know that I can't take no more It ain't no lie I wanna see you out that door Baby bye bye bye Bye bye Don't wanna be a fool for you Just another player in your game of two You may hate me But it ain't no lie Baby bye bye bye I hope you have diabetes That was the mayor of Porterville, California Right there We're back here on Sarcastic News Live My name is Justin Cross Joined with Tara With Joe With Eric Feldstein And Jake the Snake Craney Guys, first of all If you thought that break was too long Then you Didn't live through the 90s Because That was You didn't take your headphones off No, because I was a huge NSYNC fan Huge Yeah And it was But she was the one that The one person that liked Joey Fatone the best Yeah Oh yeah Chris Kirkpatrick Yeah Oh man You didn't fall for Lance, did you? No, no I was a Justin girl Yeah, cross Are you a big fan, Jenny? Yeah I was a big fan of NSYNC Were you You're younger So I don't know if that was really much of your time I listened to them Yes, I did I was more of a Backstreet Girls Really? Yeah Gotta go against society Yeah Yeah, no, no I remember back in my school It was always the girls that were like It was always the girls who wore high heels That were big Backstreet fans Like the three inch high heels Never wore high heels No? No Actually, I was a huge Bebe Mac fan Before I was a high school fan Before like NSYNC Bebe Mac Yeah, they're the ones I just remember the music video They're like playing at the bottom of a staircase Really? And they have like a guitar case open And people are just walking by donating money I'll think of the song Wait, is that a boy band or no? Yeah Oh, alright What was the Abercrombie and Fitch song? Is it LFO? That is it Yeah Yeah Wow, cross Take her if I had one wish Girls for the summer Girls for the summer Great song Girls for the summer It's great I don't have rhythm Did you learn that on Guitar Show? I did Joe knows two songs He knows Brown Eyed Girl and that LFO song That's the only guitar That's the only two How he would serenade girls Alright, so we're back here And we have a great segment It's sweeping the nation It's called What's Happening in Your Neighborhood? Yeah I can't ever listen to this song again It's melodic It really is It'll put you to sleep Cry you to sleep sometimes Well I don't know I really hope so I really hope so I really hope so I really hope so I really hope so I really hope so I really hope so Most fast food CEOs make a thousand times more than their average employee. Yes. A thousand times more. And Justin and I, I don't know about you guys, Justin and I both know what it's like to work in fast food. Of course. And what kind of resolve it takes to do that day after day and get paid the way they do. Yeah. So my first question is, what is your reaction to the mass arresting of those protesters? And second question, if all pay was equal and you guys were forced to work for a fast food company, which one would you work for and why? Wow. Well, first of all, let me just say, I know the resolve that it takes to work fast food, and it's called acne. Stealing chicken nuggets. It's true. And sometimes you combine acne and chicken nuggets, and that's what the bad customers get. Wow. Wow. So, okay. So the first part of that question. The first part of that question was about. What's your reaction to 110 people getting arrested? I think they deserved it, clearly. Trespassing? Yeah. I'm sure that they were unruly. You know, they need to be put in their place. I just want to know, actually, I don't believe it at all, but how are they going to get, how the hell are they going to get out of prison on $8.50 an hour? Since they just came. That was $7.25. That's what they're banking on. That's why they arrested them. Yeah, $7.25. Yeah. They make more in prison than they do working at McDonald's. Wait, we get free food out of this? Three squares. Three squares. And it's healthy? Is that what you're forming? The networking at McDonald's? Three hots and a cot. Just, I, just, three hots and a cot. This man is eating 7-Eleven. So, speaking of Mr. 7-Eleven, man, which company would you work for if you were forced to work for a fast food chain? You know what? I'd work for Arby's, just so I could smuggle the, I forget what they're called, it's been so long. But that one sandwich was so good. Yes. I think that was the one. Yeah. Yeah. I remember. It just melted in your mouth. Where would you go, Jim? I would certainly work for Wendy's. Really? Because I already did. I love that company. And they used to have a thing called chili chips and cheese, and they took it off the menu. And I'm bringing it back, boys. You know what you should bring back? The chili with the thumb in it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was a collector's item that we had for a little bit. Yeah. Is this part of the kid's meal? That was the toy. It's an actual live thumb in the chili. Yeah. You know, but does, okay, does anybody believe that they, like, deserve that? I mean, what did they get arrested for? Just protesting? You can't get arrested for just protesting, can you? No, not for protesting. I believe it was, like, trespassing slash disturbing the peace, something in that area. They can get them for whatever they want. Yeah. Tara, where would you? Fast food, Tara. What's fast food? I would probably work at In-N-Out. They look like they're having fun there. Well, they are getting paid a lot more there, too. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. I was going to say In-N-Out. The pay is equal, though. Oh, the pay. Oh. Well, I think, well, here's the thing. Well, they're McDonald's because of the play place. There you go. I think that, oh, they actually have Hamburger University, so it's like you can actually work your way up the ladder. Like, they have a whole. Do you get a degree from Mayor McCheese? He just takes it out of his head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get one. If you graduate, you get one night of just rampant craziness at the Ronald McDonald house, you know? Yeah. That's actually like a charitable organization. Yes, it is. Yeah. I'm an asshole. Don't slander them. Yeah. Sorry about that. I give them a quarter every now and then. Well, I would still go In-N-Out. I'm just going to, because at In-N-Out, if they're going to treat their employees well off the bat without having to do equal pay, I feel like if it was equal pay, then, you know, the bar would still be somewhat higher in terms of respect or something. But you're working very hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, if you can lean, you can clean, Snake. All right. All right. That's how I know it from my days at Mickey D's. Gotcha. Gotcha. That's my first job ever. Yeah. Well, let's see, Eric Feldstein, what do you got for us in the local news? Well, we can all tip our hats to Dr. Alexander Image, who is 111 years old. Wow. Yeah. Mazel tov, bud. Amazing. Too much clapping on your show. he's in New York and he's got the record now for the oldest man alive. The oldest woman for all you ladies out there is Misawa Okawa in Japan. She's 116 years old. Oh my God. She's born in 1898. Wow. So. Can you document that though? I mean, is that document? I mean. I mean, they do it the best they can. Yeah. Before her, the oldest person alive was 122 years old and 164 days. Louise Calment in France. Wow. Louise is just waiting for the end. Well, they're not exactly running marathons, but you know, they're alive. They're wheeling around. This guy doesn't look like he's doing much of anything. Oh, let me see this guy. He's just kind of staring. We'll post a picture of him on our YouTube. What if you got to. Sorry, it's just crazy to realize your own. Like, if you knew you were going to live to 120 years. Thank you very much, Jenny. Here we go. If you knew that you were going to live to 120 years old and you, again, 60, knew, okay, you're only halfway through it. Mm-hmm. Like, how freeing would that feel in a certain way? Do you think it would feel. I would be at peace. Yeah. Yeah. I'm only halfway through, baby. Whew. This guy's rocking. 60 more to go. Just getting started. Or I'd be miserable. Yeah. Yeah, it depends how I was, you know, ailing. He's very fashionable for 111. He's rocking a sweater vest and everything. Well, I think we can all agree that if you know that you're going to live into your hundreds, the point of life truly is to save for retirement. Because. Right. Yeah. If you retire around 70 years, that means you got 30 years to just fuck around, you know? Just go wine tasting and play, what's a game? What's a game? At Kmart. You're going to have to wine taste at Kmart. What's that game? Candy Crush. Candy Crush. That's all I would do. Yeah. Wow. Good, good, good. So, wait. He's just old? What was the point of the story? Well, you kind of took it. We celebrate old days. He's continuing to exist. Yeah. I guess my question to everyone is what do you think is a proper age you can envision yourself making it to? Like, what would kind of be. What would be a nice end goal? Yeah. Like, what's a little bit of excess? I'm shooting for $1.50. I'm enjoying this right now. I'm enjoying the ride. You're going to make it to that far? Okay. Really? Yeah. I mean, by the time I'm 70 years old, they're going to have so many medical advancements. I can make it to $1.50. I've known Snake for a long time. I pinned him as a 27 club guy. 27. Kurt Cobain. Does that mean I won? Did I win? I just really jinxed him. Yeah. Joe, what would you say? I mean, anything past 50 and I would be just shooting myself, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. I know what's happening later in this world and it's not pretty. Yeah. So I don't want to be around. No, thanks. Oh, goodness. That's depressing. It's morbid. I'm drinking Coca-Cola, by the way. That's why. You won't make it to 50. Don't worry. You're on the right track. Good, good, good. How about you, Tara? How long do you want to live for? I'd say early 90s would be a good age. That's fair. Yeah. They say women live longer, so. They do, yeah. Lucky you. There's no scientific evidence. Just some dude in the streets. No, no. There's science behind that. Yeah. I think 100 would be. I want to make triple digits. Yeah? It's a goal of mine. Wow. I'm fairly healthy. I mean, I have some 7-Eleven pizzas, but, you know, I run a lot, so. That's good. That's great every day. Yeah, every day. All right. Joe, what do you got for us? So mine isn't so much local as it is about the NBA playoffs. Okay. We're talking about the Indiana Pacers and Miami Heat, and if anyone watched Game 2 the other night, Indiana had, the lead going into the fourth quarter when Dwayne Wade, the star shooting guard of the Miami Heat, accidentally hit a star swingman of the Indiana Pacers, Paul George, in the head and concussed him. He did not come out of the game, though, and it was revealed later that he was concussed and that he had played through most of the fourth quarter blacked out. So my question to you is, could you play any sport, including maybe chess, blacked out, or would you play and would you be able to have to come out of the game? Absolutely. And I say that as somebody who's done a lot of drinking and blacked out and then the next day had to go run a race. So, like, I've done it, blacked out. I don't even know, like, how can you be blacked out? That's what I'm saying. How could you even be on the court and know what's going on? He's not just standing out there and just dizzy and just in the middle of the court. That doesn't make any sense. I thought the whole point of being blacked out is that you don't, like, you can't see, like, you just, just blacking out is like when you pass out, right? Like, and you just don't remember anything. That's not when you pass out. It's actually, like, you can still remember things. Hold on, hold on. The Backstreet Boys fan is talking. No, it's just, you just don't remember what happens after a certain point. Well, that's good because he lost the game, so that was good for him. I could be knocking out or... By that definition, Eric Feldstein's been blacked out for three years. Yeah, pretty much. Where am I right now? Narrow recollection. Oh, man. We're going to nickname Eric Whipping Post after this. Nice. That's what they call me. Oh, man. Just kidding. So you've been blacked, have you been blacked out and played a sport or, like, gone to work or... No. I remember. Not that you can remember. I know my limits. I can't go too far. She's in control. Yeah. Okay. I'm smart. Okay. All right. Well, yeah. I can't go that far. Whoa. Wow. Wow. You got some beef? I'm going to tease people I like. Yeah. Yeah. You see, yeah. You're the one. Aw. That's so sweet. Sign of affection. You're welcome. Thank you. All right. You guys can continue this after the show. Not on Showtime, okay, guys? If you want to call in later, 800-893-9562. Last week, we had a caller, and he was very quick. All he said was this. I hope you have diabetes. And I said, really? Is that really necessary? And then Jake Craney said, ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Yes. We've devolved already to sound effects. We have a great show for you. Great show for you guys. Our next guest coming up in just a few minutes, she's a journalist again for PolicyMic.com. She's been with us a lot of times on the show. Laura Diamond will be our guest. And Snake Game, Snake Game's coming up. Snake, what do you got for us this week? I can't wait. Just kind of warm the audience up. Give them a little. Oh, we've got quotes from the weekend news. And as always, a spicy little tweet to cap off the game. All right. I'm looking forward to that in Snake Game. Guys, if you want to call in, 800-893-9562. Don't be shy. Open up your eyes. Call us. My name's Justin Cross with Jake the Snake Craney, Eric Feldstein, Joe live tweeting, Tara sitting next to me, and Jenny in the back. We've got a whole crew tonight. And we're going to be right back on Sarcastic News Live. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. And Jenny, over there, Jenny Guzman in the back, she got back at us with the Backstreet Boys. And what was the title of that song, Jenny? I don't remember. Oh. Really? Show me the meaning of being lonely. You don't remember, huh? I'm not a... She's blacked out. Yeah. I'm blacked out right now. I don't really know I thought you were a hardcore fan. No? Yeah. All right. I actually, as I was watching this video, I realized I've never seen this video. I've never seen this video. Really? Yeah. I'm pretty young. So, yes. Sorry. I'm a producer back there. Jenny is. We're pretty old. Sorry. She's very old in here. 12 years old back there manning the soundboards. All right. She's got a bright career ahead of her. She's good. Yeah. She's totally good. Well, I want to touch on one thing. We talked a little bit earlier about, well, I think we were talking in the car over here about the legalizing, legalized Pennsylvania. That's where you're from, right, Eric? Yeah. Yeah. They struck down a ban on same-sex marriage in Pennsylvania. And so now, now couples can get married or, as I read an article earlier today on CNN, divorced. And this one couple had been living there for a very long time. Well, one, I guess, one was in Pennsylvania and one was in another state. And they had to be married because they wouldn't allow, because of the ban, wouldn't allow them to get divorced. So now, it was one of those articles you read, because now so many states are trying to legalize it. Yeah. You know, or at least strike down the ban against same-sex marriage. So it's like, what's the new angle? It's like, I'm not going to write another, you know, offensive Joe Biden and assless chaps joke, you know? I got to go highbrow, but I couldn't think of anything. And I just thought, I still don't have a good joke on it, but I thought it was an interesting article because this couple had been together and they couldn't get divorced because of the law. And I just thought, you know what? Everybody deserves the right to get divorced. Everybody does. That's the pure bliss of life. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. And, and then we were driving over here and Snake here was saying that Anderson Cooper had a couple, oh, Michael Sam. Michael Sam, first gay NFL player, got drafted the other day. And I guess a couple people were voicing their opinion on Anderson Cooper. What happened there, Snake? I think it was a Dallas, like morning, one of those popular morning talk shows where they just have four ladies that are just talking heads. Were they morning? Or was it a morning show? It was an AM talk show. M-O-U-R-N-I-G. And one of them was just extremely uncomfortable. With Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend on TV and just was very, you know, uppity about it. And then Anderson Cooper blasted her on his show and just kind of ripped her apart. It was only, it was only Anderson Cooper. It was fantastic. Yeah, it was very snarky. Jake was saying that he, well, actually you were saying, Tara was saying that he used to do a show with Laura Ling. Is that right? Lisa Ling. Lisa Ling. I'm sorry. Yeah. Journalist whose sister was in North Korea. Yeah. Who was, got imprisoned over there. Accidentally crossed over the border on a journalist's assignment. I'm chewing gum. Sorry. No, no, no, no. No, that's good. Yeah. Accidentally crossed over the border into North Korea, her and a friend. And of course, were imprisoned. Quite the diplomatic saga there. How do you accidentally, I mean, isn't that one of those things like you know you're on the border? Yeah, they knew they were very close. They definitely, I mean, they were. Google Maps kind of. Well, there's like a spray painted one. I believe that's the story. I mean, I've looked into it a while. But yes, I think they were imprisoned for, what was it? It was like a month or so, wasn't it? Wow. Yeah, it was longer than that, I think. But what happened? But finally, Bill Clinton, I'm not sure what talks were had, but Bill Clinton flew over on a jet and saved them, rescued them. Yeah. Classic Bill Clinton. He's the man. He's just the man. He did, you know? And when I heard that, I also heard that Jake Carini had a pretty, give us your impression of Bill Clinton going to save Laura Ling, Lisa Ling's sister. Lisa Ling's sister. Lisa Ling, why don't you hop on Air Force seven and a half? Same old good there. That was good. I was worried about that one. I said, we have some in career. Snake, you've got some good, you've got some good sound effects. Snake actually did the voiceover for this one. I hope you have diabetes. The guy is spot on. I also did the crying baby and that was probably my proudest one. That's me. Yeah. That's me when my team loses. It sounded like you were hiccuping there too. Getting it out. Part of the reason I love that clip so much. Yeah. Well, we've, let's see, do we have any callers right now or nothing? No. All right. Well, good. Hey, you have to sit in the best of us. Yep, that's how we operate here. I get stood up all the time. It's cool. Literally. What is, okay, let's, I met a girl, Jiffy Lube, the other day. And, well, there you go. Let's just stop it right there. We were hitting off. He came home. He was very happy. The story's not getting any better than that. I was excited. You wonder why you're in the whipping post, Eric, okay? Well, you know, what can I say? Life is short. So you were at Jiffy Lube. And, you know, I started hitting on her and got her. Did you offer her a slice of 7%? No, no. A free oil change. It was actually pretty casual. I should have said all of those lines, but I kept it simple, safe, and I called her the other day and she didn't answer. No? Dear diary. Have you ever been stood up at a restaurant, though? She's listening right now. No, that would be painful. Yeah, that would be funny. She's a doctor. She's definitely not listening. Have you ever been stood up at the restaurant? No. I mean, I maybe had a call not returned, but, like, I want to know, like, have you ever, like, sat at a restaurant waiting for somebody to show up or a coffee shop and they just don't come? That would be brutal. That would be pretty brutal. That's never happened to me. Yeah. Never happened to me. I would just stay there and eat and I would just do it. Fake it till you make it. Yeah. Dude, okay, now you've, what website have you had most, your most success on so far? Because I know you, you have, JiffyLube.com. Yeah. Plenty of fish. Yeah, I've got some numbers that I'm meaning to hit up. As soon as I get some time, I'll have my assistant scroll through them, but, yeah, plenty of fish is okay. Yeah. Tinder, I haven't had much success on Tinder. I don't know. Grindr? Grindr. Grindr. I haven't, maybe I will if things are looking the way they are with women. I'm going to have to, you know, switch, but, yeah, it's getting rough out there. Well, we're going to have to, we're going to have to, I'm going to check on our guest, Lauren Diamond here to see if she's, she's at all well. I hope she's okay. Not in North Korea or something. There's a good chance. They couldn't be. I want to get close. We'll send, we'll send Bill Clinton over here and I go pick her up on the 7th, Air Force 7 and a half. Let's do this. Let's go to a quick break. Live radio, guys. We're going to quick break and then we'll be back. If nothing else, we'll play, we'll play a damn good version of the Snake game. Oh, yeah. All right. And we will, yeah, we'll have a good time with it. So we're going to be right back here on Sarcastic News Live and listen a little bit more. I think we got LFO. No. When he's been on your mind That distant look is in your eyes I thought with time you'd realize It's over Over It's not the way I choose to live And something somewhere's got to give As sharing this relationship Gets older Older You know I'd fight for you But how can I fight someone Who isn't even there I've had the rest of you Now I want the best of you I don't care If you're not there That's not fair Cause I want it all Or nothing at all There's nowhere left to fall When you reach the bottom It's now or never Is it all Or are we just I needed that. Oh, sorry. Don't you dare interrupt my OTAP. Sorry, I didn't realize you were back on the air. Snake cream. I'm sorry. This guy The only time he shows emotion is over a football game. This guy was belting out like lip syncing like he should be on like on Jimmy Fallon doing a competition Skid Row Idol. Yeah, that was Skid Row Idol. That was impressive, Snake. You were doing arm motions. When O-Town comes on I just, I go into my happy place. It's a different You're a different person. Different Snake. I am O-Town Coiled and ready to I don't know where I'm going. Joe was He was stroking his very well sculpted beard over there. I was just feeling it up and getting in the mood for the O-Town. And get this, guys. Maybe it was O-Town. Maybe that's what inspired it. I don't know. Eric Feldstein got a text message from who? The girl The doctor lady I met at Jiffy Lube. Yeah! Hell yeah! He did it. We're not making that up either. He really did. Too much crap. His ears must have been burning. Literally. Do you think she was listening? No. Did you read the text message yet? I did. Hi, sorry for getting back to you so late. I'm not going to respond for two years. That's how that's going to go. Because I'm hard to get. You're only playing hard to get, yeah. I respond right out. Hey, it's okay. Fumbling. You know what? That just means I'm going to have to cue up. Oh, God. I'm going to have to cue up your intro song. Oh, boy. I think we all know. Well, I guess it's been a while. I had a good run. Yeah. No pun intended. This was... It's going to take me a few minutes. I'm feeling it. He's got the wit. I'm back. He had the runs, guys. If you don't know, if you're listening, this was almost the sound of Eric Feldstein before his first show. Except it wasn't coming out of my mouth. That was so unappetizing. My other mouth. You guys are listening to You guys are listening to I don't know. Some morning zoo show right now. Wow. There's a lot of stuff going on in the news. First of all, Laura Diamond, our guest, unfortunately, cannot make it tonight. So we're going to skip the snake game in just a second. But lots of interesting stuff going on in the world. I'm trying to... I'm just going right now. I love just bringing to light the CNN read this, watch that section, which contains the mayor. Is there any way we can bring back... This is the mayor's... Mayor of... Where was it? Someplace in California. Small town in California. Porterville. Porterville, California. Bullying has obviously become a... It's become a big topic. The news media is making a big deal of it, rightfully so. And the mayor of Porterville, he has a differing opinion than some on the subject. Here it is. I'm against bullying, but I'm getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything and it ills the world when... All most people have to do is grow a pear. That's the best advice ever. You get the feeling like after he said that, he just leaned over and like spit into a bucket. I was wondering if Nelson Muntz could just be there going, ha ha, you know? I was bullied, so... Were you? Yeah. I was bullied. How did you handle it? Well, I didn't handle it well. You shot him with a gun. I was actually held down and I got a sock shoved in my mouth. Oh. A used one or a... Used. Oh. It's rough. It's kind of stuck with me ever since. In related news, Eric Feldstein has never gotten sick. He's fully adapted to all germs. I got it all. I'll take a minute and give Eric a hug. I got picked on on the bus. Thank you. I thought you were going to tell him the story about when you were in high school. Oh, no. That's... No? Too painful. Never mind. I don't know. I try to keep that very safe. Oh, I know. The time he got caught masturbating. Yeah, well... By his teacher. That would have been better. All right. Since we're here, I once paid someone off not to beat me up. Really? Yeah. Everyone's face. A 6'2 giant black man. And this was before I had hit puberty. I kind of messed around with his girlfriend and he found out. And I was a scared, rich, spoiled little Jewish dude. So I did the only thing I could think of at the time and gave him money. I'm not proud of it. And it's affected my life ever since. Do we have a perpetuating stereotypes button on here? True story. And he actually tried to get more and I turned him down. So I guess I got the last laugh. Wow. You stood your ground. I stood my ground. I didn't give him more. Well, if you were in Florida, you could have really stood your ground and pulled a gun on him. That's how we do it in the South. He threatened to beat me up at prom. How much did you pay him? I paid him $135. Damn. Wow. Back then, that was nothing. I would have paid him $1,000 if I could. I'm going to go to the gym for like a year and then come back and be like, Eric. Give me $35. It's $135. And I'm like, $35 is fine. I'll take it. Look at me. I look like a block. I was so scared. I'm not going to lie. I've never been more terrified in my life when he told me you're fucking dead over AIM. God, you guys got to get a visual of this mayor of Port of... Because if you were the mayor, you should have done this. Do we have the clip still? Can we pull that? One more time. I'm sorry. I'm against bullying, but I'm getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything and it ills the world when all most people have to do is grow a pair. I hope you have diabetes. I love the councilwoman's response. Bring that back real quick. It is hard to stand up and grow a pair when you're maybe a 10-year-old little girl. You were a 10-year-old girl. I was. I sounded like a girl. I was a late bloomer. Hey, some of us never bloom, all right? Don't feel ashamed. Let's do this. We got 12 minutes left. We're going to go. I want to do one more quick break, like a minute, and then we're going to come back here on Sarcastic News Live, play the snake game, wrap it up. We got a fun one here with a fun tweet. Isn't that right, Snake? I can't wait. I'm brimming with excitement. Yeah, we can tell. They're hogging the airtime, aren't they? Sorry, Snake. You still look good in a black shirt. Thank you. Thanks. This is my plain black shirt. It's a size L. Got it. Is that Hanes? You know what? I'm not sure. It could be. I really don't know. I almost reached back, but I stopped myself. This is good radio. 800-893-9562 if you want to play the game with us. If not, don't worry. 800-893-9562. Play along at home. Yeah, play along at home. We're going to put this all live on YouTube. And you guys can play along with us on YouTube. We're going to have an interactive game set up. We're going to try it, at least. So we're going to take a quick break. I'm sure there's going to be some pretty amazing 90s music coming up, boy band style. And then we'll be right back with Snake Game. Yeah. Like a winter girl stop by In the summer Do you remember Do you remember When we met That summer New kids on the block Had a bunch of hits Chinese food makes me sick And I think it's fly when girls start Fight for the summer For the summer I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch I take her if I have one wish She's been gone since that summer Since that summer Hip-hop, mommalates, spick and span Met you one summer and it all began You're the best girl that I ever did see The great Larry Bird jersey 33 When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets Call me Willie Whistle cause I can't speak baby Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad Left one day and never came back Stayed all summer then went back home Macaulay Culkin wasn't home alone That's right Lyrical genius You know you're white when you're dropping Macaulay Culkin Billy Shakespeare Yeah, sonnets Oh man What I love about playing music like this Is you always get to learn The people around If you think you know the people that you work with You really don't until you play songs like that Because the song before that What was it? O-Town Snake Craney's doing live karaoke Like he's in Koreatown That song comes on LFO comes on Snake Craney puts his head into his hands I look to my left and I'm like J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink J создlink Oh live tweeting about it actually He wasn't trying to be theatrical or anything He just knows He's like yeah Girls were ever coming Fitch McCulley-Colkin He pulls out an acoustic guitar from the table I'm like where the hell It's a little ukulele actually That's really nice And then through it all It doesn't matter what song Eric Feldstein's in the middle Doing this white guy Weird The shimmy Yeah it's a weird Yeah and he's like Ah yeah I got a chance With little Jiffy Lube girls Text me back I'm in love You guys are listening to Sarcastic News Live My name is Justin Cross And we have a fun game It's sweeping the nation Rocking the world It's called The Snake Game And I think we have There it is Hashtag sweeping the nation Oh my god Are you looking at me or the camera? No the camera I don't even know You guys are here Just got a half job I don't know what that was This is the point in the show Where we It's a news trivia game And I'm going to turn it right over To Jake the Snake Chris you want me to do the face again? Ha! Hi Zinga Jake Crane take it away Alright you guys know the drill Quotes from the week in news We're going to have that side of the table Against these hooligans right here What charity will you be playing for this evening? Because it's such a big decision I'm going to Okay So personally And I've thought about this a lot I'm going to go I'm going to go with Thespians International It's a charity It's a charity It's going to go to benefit Benefit Thespians That's good We're over here on this side We're going with the Bring the thumb in the chili back Oh! Foundation Yes That's a big Yeah It's big It's a serious issue I'm actually going to donate A piece of the proceeds to The oldest man's funeral That will be probably soon I mean I wish him I wish him another 20 happy years But Let's be real If you guys don't know That's Eric Feldstein Yeah Alright we got I don't know how to follow that But we got four quotes here Let's get right into it Quote number one This is truly an historic day Was that a Vogue magazine editor Anna Wintour On getting soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo To pose nude On the cover of the Or be Michael Jordan On changing the team's name Back to the Charlotte Hornets Wow Well first of all Why do they say An historic day I don't know It's just Terrible English It's the H It varies It was an English major What is The H isn't silent though It really depends An historic day Alright I believe it's If it's of a vowel Comes after the H Why do we not have that issue Ladies go first What do you think of this Michael Jordan Or the I want to go with Anna Wintour She's the Soccer She's the editor of Okay Okay Oh Nope I've seen that cover It's a hot cover Him and his girlfriend Yep Jenny Who are you going to go for By the way You guys are on the same team So I just came from the restroom I have no idea Yeah TMI Jenny She's the She's the Eric Feldstein I'm going to go with What she goes with though Okay Alright boys I think we have to go On Michael Jordan Just because If Cristiano Ronaldo Was posing naked I feel like we would hear about it Yeah Our heads would explode I think that would be The main thing On like an Anderson Cooper Like show Yeah Okay We're going B I'll go Okay Yeah I'll go Jordan I thought you were On the same team What is this Yeah I'll go We're on the girls team Justin Are you awake I'm on the girls team You're on the girls team Alright First point goes to The boys Michael Jordan On the Charlotte Hornets Wahoo Quote number two Good work boys What's my finger What's my finger Question It's okay we can Yeah let's just move past it Okay You can download the show Later on iTunes Yes And listen then Quote number two The arrogance of man Is thinking that nature Is in our control Was that A Global warming skeptic Dr. Don Easterbrook Arguing against New environmental policy Or B A quote from the new Godzilla movie Well I know this one What What Alright you guys go first then You guys go first then You can't If you know Yeah you can't say That you know it Okay okay Well I know Snake And he's a Mental mastermind On the level of Saw So I would say It's the non-obvious answer Which is Godzilla Okay Ladies Team over there Ladies It is definitely Godzilla And Jenny's like Yes I'm okay with that Bathroom Bathroom Number one That gem of wisdom Is a quote from the new Godzilla movie That was said by Ken Watanabe Oh my goodness Game drop I think we get an extra point For that We can give you A half Yeah why not You're tied Half of your time Yes Well we can Because at the end of this Yeah It's Vietnam There are rules For a future reference If you do happen to know One of the answers Raising your hand And saying Oh I know it Doesn't work That's the best way To win the game BFU Okay All right Pretend like you don't Play some poker And then kill it Quote number three People will love you And support you When it's beneficial I know No I'm just kidding Wow That's People will love you And support you When it's beneficial That's me summarizing My relationship With all of my ex-girlfriends Oh no Was that A Tennis star Caroline Wozniacki's Comments after Golfer Rory McIlroy Called off their engagement Or B A line from the new Nicki Minaj song Hard hitting stuff Right there Snake This is This is what's trending In the world today Pop culture A Or pop culture bullshit What are the two options again? Caroline Wozniacki's Comments after Rory McIlroy Called off their engagement Or a line from the new Nicki Minaj song Can I just say Snake Craney seems like It seems like Will Ferrell acting like Alex Trebek In all those Celebrity Jeopardy Yeah What did I just say About ethnic slurs? Let's go Nicki Minaj guys Come on I think we can all Are you on our team Or are we Yeah I'm on the ladies Ellen DeGeneres Alright let's do Wozniacki Wozniacki For the win Alright that was What did you go with? Oh did I Oh I'm now on the We're on the team You go She's like let's get on The next show Come on guys No you guys are Nicki Minaj Oh what okay We'll do it Nicki Minaj That was a very wise line From a new Nicki Minaj song Nicki Minaj song Yeah I didn't know that Yeah Taking a commanding Three to two lead Heading into our Last question Which is worth Fifteen points That's big time For the win Hello fights At my place Last question This is the tweet Of the week So who tweeted The following This is a very Very Kind of generic tweet So just think about What this could mean Who tweeted the following Balance Is key Balance Is key Was that A Anderson Cooper B LeBron James C Larry the Cable Guy Or D Burger King Wow Like the company Like the company No the king of burgers Balance Is key Who by the way The king of burgers Is this man I hope you have diabetes I'm gonna go What do you guys Okay I'm on the guys team now Okay Okay Okay Good switch It's solid I'm gonna I'm gonna I think I wanna say Burger King But I also wanna say Larry the Cable Guy I feel like it could be Larry the Cable Guy LeBron James What were the other options Balance is key And cable Anderson Cooper LeBron James Larry the Cable Guy Burger King Ladies you go first Start us off I'm thinking LeBron I'm in Yeah LeBron We can't do LeBron We can't do LeBron We can't do LeBron I know I know I know I know It's Larry the Cable Guy Alright we go Larry the Cable Guy Alright Boys going Larry the Cable Guy Girls going LeBron James Balance is key Was tweeted This week by Burger King Burger King Burger King Oh Oh Nuggets So the girls win Justin by switching over To the guys team You have lost Which makes me very happy God You're the worst Congratulations girls Oh Yes Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh That was getting aggressive That was very aggressive I'm like what are we Yeah Yeah Slapstick What happened Guys you've been listening to star casting news That's a snake game You can you can watch that on YouTube later You can download the show on iTunes You can check us out on star casting news live dot com Twitter at SN SN Live one on Facebook We're everywhere baby and we're gonna be even more everywhere after Give us a few weeks We'll be more everywhere Is that even a term more everywhere? Definitely not My name is Justin Cross For Jake the Snake Craney, Eric Feldstein, Joe He's like Madonna just one name And Tara and Jenny Guzman in the back Thank you guys for listening We're at Skid Row Studios Check them out Skidrowstudios.com SNLive1 on Twitter My name is Justin Cross Have a great night We'll see you next Wednesday Tattooed lines beneath our skin No surrender my Bobby G