Turning points, balding rant, Vince Royale interview

Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome to Friday's edition. It's always Friday here on Registered Ear Offenders out here at skidrowstudios.com. My name is Sal Rodriguez. I'm seated across from my co-host, Chris Z. How's it going over there, Chris? Good, Sal. Sal, you are ear delicious. Thank you very much. You know, I have to say we're like opposites today. I am wearing a shirt and tie, and Chris is wearing a T-shirt. Sal, today was one of those days when every red light in the city colluded against me. So I made it here with not a moment to spare. I had a nice shirt, a shirt and tie, just like yours. Because I have an appointment after the show as well. But yeah, I just raced here in this tattered T-shirt. I fit in with the local populace, though. Well, the thing I really enjoy that it's just a plain white T-shirt. It's not like, you know, a Van Duce T-shirt or something. It's just a plain white Fonzarelli type T-shirt. Plain white, but it does show its age. I think we can agree on that. It's why it's kind of, you know, gone from white to grayish. I see that once upon a time your arms were larger. Because the sleeves are just hanging all over the place. Yeah, I'll go with that, sure. My arms were huge. They were huge. Don't be so vague with us. What do you mean you have an appointment after this and you're wearing a shirt and tie? What the hell is your appointment for? I just have to go to work. Okay. My work requires me to wear a collared shirt, Oxford style, and a tie. I am wearing my shirt and tie today because I had an audition for AAA auto insurance commercial. And it was terrible. I was so focused on registered ear offenders getting over here, sitting in this seat, enjoying time with my friends. I was not even there at all. And to a recommendation for any actors out there, if you're not going to be present emotionally, don't even go. Yeah, that's funny because I too wanted to crash that audition sound. It was nice enough to offer me the details. And I was going to show up, as I've done on several occasions, and actually got a call back once or twice from an audition I wasn't even supposed to be at. But I just, you know, I had a couple things to work on for the show. And yeah, my mind was there, man. You could have been there too. There was a lot of various goofy guy types, which I think I probably fit in, you know. I'm like an average looking guy that can go goofy. Whereas I think that you have more of a character look than I do, I think. Yeah, Sal and I have come to terms with the fact that we fit in a category that a couple years ago, we would have described as unflattering and maybe taken umbrage to. I've actually submitted on many occasions on LA Casting to not too good looking. And I read that and I go, oh, well, hell, I'm in. But for the listeners out there, Chris is not. Actually, I think, Chris, if you have a scale, you know, you have like, you know, a disgusting ugly on this. And maybe Brad Pitt or George Clooney on that end. You know, you are to the right of average, I would say. I would not even, I would say that you're a little better looking than average. Well, I appreciate that, Sal. But bear in mind, I've toured the country and things really are relative because I've been places where I am George Clooney. I was just there. You know where I was the other day? I swear to God, I was in the Goodwill. And I was saying, I'm the best looking guy in the Goodwill at this very moment. I think the only time I've ever been the best looking guy in the room in Los Angeles proper was when I was taking an impression. Improv class. And at the improv class, you're the best looking guy. If you know what the average improviser looks like. Does that include the females? You're better looking than the average female improviser? Most of the females, yes. I was a better looking female than most of the females in the improv class. And you know, and that's why I say Chris would have been great on the audition because Chris is very comedic, is very, you know, you're, I think, in an acting environment, you're probably funnier than I am in that instance. So I think you would have actually been good on today's audition because they had all different types there. They really, all different races. Usually you go on. You go on. You go on an audition. Everybody kind of looks like you. They're all the same race or something. On this audition, all different races, all different ages. It's all people with comedic backgrounds were there. Which, cool, might mean that they were genuinely kind of objective in their approach and were just really, really looking for whoever they thought was the funniest, right? Well, I don't know about the funniest, but, you know, whoever looked good for their campaign, you know. Anybody want to give us a call? 1-800-893-9562. That is the number to our show live here in the studio. Broadcasting at skidrowstudios.com out of downtown Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Anybody listening to our show, we got a little teaser. Who's coming up? Who's going to be the guest on our show today? We got Jersey City native Vince Royale. Vince is a stand-up comic. He's an actor. He's even a recording artist. He's been featuring on VH1, CBS, ABC, GSN, MTV, dozens of commercials, independent films, and on and on and on. He's performed across the country as a comedian, shared stages with Louis C.K., Tommy Davis, and Jim Gaffigan. And he produces shows locally. And by locally, I mean the, you know. General Southern California vicinity. Great shows at some of the local improvs. And the reason he's here, though, is because recently he's been featured in a kind of a documentary film about upcoming comedians that's nearing completion. It's been four years in the making. And even though he tells me he can't talk too much about it, Vince is going to appear on the MTV Networks next March. He has a recurring role on a reality show. Well, great. I look forward to meeting Vince Royale. And we also have our segment, Turning Points. We're going to talk about those moments in our lives. That really affected us and made us go make a 90 degree or 180. You can call it a 180 or a 90 degree turn. Greatest disappointments. Those moments in our lives that are just. It's like the opposite of when we peaked, essentially. It's when we didn't peak. What's the opposite of peaking? Shrinking? Going down? When we dipped. When we dipped. There we go. When we hit bottom. And of course, we have. We bottomed out. Yeah. And of course, we have Chris's Corner and Sal's Weekly Rant. And if we have time for our final segment, Tragic Comedy, where we will invite our guests to participate in that. Where we talk about our worst. Comedy experiences as stand-up comedians. Because all three of us in this room have done stand-up comedy. And or are out there on the circuit doing stand-up comedy. And we're going to talk about the worst times that we ever had. I know I've got a couple of them. Are you ready to get into our show, Chris? You ready to get into our first segment, which is Turning Points. Yes. So I've talked about Renee before. Renee was the one who got away. She's the one that basically, you know, ruined me. The one who you know you'll never love unconditionally again. You know. You know that things will never be that good. That was your shot. Well, how long were you dating her? I dated her for, I think it was about a full year. A full year? Yeah, at least. But I've talked about it a little bit before, so I don't want to kind of rehash things. But she is the focus of my turning point. Because I was so, I've talked about how I had to break up with her. I didn't want to, but I had to. I was financially destitute and determined to move out to California. I was approaching 30 years old. I knew that it was now or never. So I set a date and I said, no matter what, barring death or dismemberment, I am getting in my car. And on this day, I am driving to California and beginning life anew. Yeah, you shared that exact story on another episode. Right. But I also talked about how after we broke up, we kind of stayed in contact for about, you know, almost a year. We, instead of talking every day, we talk every other day. And whenever we were able to kind of meet up, we did, you know, basically conduct ourselves as if we were still going out. But the turning point was when I knew it was officially over. And it wasn't a conversation. She came down because she would do these work contracts. Briefly, she would go to the Kennedy Space Center and she would put on these performances for children, her and a couple other Canadian actors. And I lived in Orlando. So we would, you know, we would always find a way to connect. But this one time, you know, I could just sense that something was wrong in the phone call because she was unwilling to kind of meet me and was like, well, you know, I have dinner with my coworkers that day. And, you know, just a couple excuses when usually the first priority was for us to get together. And I remember I thought it over and I basically, you know, it basically came down to me saying, you know what? Forget everything else. I, if you want to get married, I'll marry you. You want me to move to Canada? I'll move to Canada. Whatever you want to do. I just don't want to be apart. And, you know, she who had been the first one to ever discuss the idea of us getting married said no. No. And I mean, I just didn't see it coming, man. And to tell you that I cried like a bitch wouldn't, would do a disservice to how, how much I cried, how low I sunk. I remember sitting on the floor in my living room just because like I didn't have the energy to do anything else. And my two dogs are kind of wandering up to me and I was just wondering why the hell I was sitting on the floor. You know, I'm surprised to hear this, Chris, because I could not imagine from, I've known you what, six, seven years. I could not imagine you crying for anything except your own. Your own career. So that's actually surprising to hear. Hey, listen, we have a caller. Let's go ahead and patch our caller through. Caller, you're on the air with registered air offenders, Sal Rodriguez and Chris Z. Hello? Yes. Sal? Yes. Hello. Hey, it's Jeff. What's going on, you guys? What's up, man? How's it going? So what's the big announcement? Did I miss it? No. Jeremy, can I go ahead and give our big announcement or are we still on hold for that? Are you building? Definitely still on hold for that. Okay. Unfortunately, Jeff, I'm sorry. I know Jeff Sparks calling from the. I was going to say Morello Valley, Morello Valley and the Inland Empire. We cannot divulge our official big news yet, but please stay tuned. It is coming soon. You did not miss anything. We're going to be making some big news, some big announcements coming up. Things are happening with the show and we will discuss them just as soon as we are able. Awesome. Well, you guys keep it up. Yeah. Thanks, Jeff. Thanks for calling in. Thanks for calling. So was that the end of your story, Chris? You basically got brokenhearted by this Canadian girl. But that was a turning point, Sal, because when that was officially over and it was out of my hands and it was out of my control, I, you know, I came out here, man. I quite literally packed everything I owned into my Hyundai. You know, I couldn't even see. I couldn't even use the rearview mirror because it was stuffed, you know, so tightly. And I drove 40 hours across the country. I will tell you this, though. This sounds so similar. Didn't you tell this story before? Didn't you? Yeah. But no, no. I told the story about the relationship with her. I think she might have even been my when we peaked. But in this case, this is kind of the official end of it. And here's how I knew that. This was a very significant moment in my life. One, I called my best friend of 10, 13 years at the time, my best friend, Jay, who lived in New York. And I told him, I said, dude, you know, I said, it's my relationship's over. I'm done with this. You know, I'm done with Florida. Nothing good has ever come here. Nothing good ever, ever will. And he said, you know, man, I'd love to have you here for a while. I'd like to help you get yourself set up. But, you know, I don't think my girl would go for it. And that's when I knew that that, too, that friendship had. Officially run its course. And did you go to your living room and cry? No, I did do a lot more crying. And I'll tell you why. I needed a job. And I got like a three day contract for like kind of like a country club resort area that had just opened in Orlando. They hired me. And I was I was like a bar back. I would, you know, basically refill whatever supplies were necessary on opening day. And so what I would do is I would deliver. I would make my deliveries to the bartender. And as soon as I delivered it, I would go to the bathroom because I had a few minutes of kind of respite in between each errand. And I would cry my eyes out, clean up, go back to work for 10, 20 more minutes, go back to the bathroom, cry my eyes out, go back. And how old were you at this time? About 25, 26. Wow. Well, you know, a similar thing happened to me because my turning points is about a breakup. But in this instance, no, I did cry. I think I did cry. Or maybe I was just so number. Basically, at one point in time, I was actually engaged. There was a girl named Debbie who was foolish enough to agree to marry me. I put a ring on her finger and we were going to be married. We were together for three years. Well, we broke up and I was just about the age of 30 when we broke up. And at that point, I thought to myself, well, I'm broken up with my girlfriend. I'm working as a trainer. Am I going to go to work on a cruise ship or go work at a resort? So I started to apply at all the various cruise lines. I started to notify the Grand Wiley Resort. I'm going to go be a trainer somewhere beautiful on some cruise ship, maybe a recreation director, social director, Julie Cruise director, if you will. I wanted to hit the road and hit the high. I sees. So at the last minute, though, right before I was setting up interviews for these cruise lines and these resorts, I thought to myself, well, you've always wanted to do stand up comedy. You've always seemed to have a knack for it. Acting everything entertainment related. Why don't you stick around? Give it a shot. See where it goes. See where it takes you. So at that moment that I could either have gone this way and maybe I'd be on some cruise line somewhere or I go this way. And now here I am as co-host of Registered Air Offenders and have done a lot of stand up comedy. And acting and recently just obtained my SAG card for you people out there pounding, pounding the pavement. It can happen. So essentially that was my turning point where I realized I could have went that way. I could have went this way. I chose going this way. And now here I am. And so this was a turning point. I did cry. I did sit in the living room and cry over Debbie. And she's happily married now. I'd like to say, Debbie, if you're out there, I know I see you. I see you on Facebook. I see you're having a great time. I wish, Sal, that seeing my ex on Facebook was the only way I saw her. She. She, too, just booked a national commercial that runs every 15 fucking minutes. Chris was teased the other night because he was forced to watch his ex-girlfriend national commercial, what, twice in one day on a gas pump included? Yeah, that's true. I was pumping gas. And I look on the little tiny monitor at the Chevron station and it's her commercial. And for some strange reason, it was the only programming the monitor would show. So it just kept repeating the same commercial over and over again. It just ran on a continuous loop. Yeah. And the first time I saw it, I was sitting in an oyster bar waiting to do this. And I was just nightmarish, awful open mic in the valley. And I just sitting there kind of, you know, ruining my state. And to look up and see that man was just a swift kick in the balls. And then you were crying next to the gas pump there, just like. I'm not going to admit to keying the monitor. Speaking of keying, you know, one thing I've always wanted is I've wanted a key specifically for keying. Because I don't want to ruin my house key. I don't want to ruin my car key. I would like a key only for. For keying. Do they have that? It would be large. It would look like a key to a castle or something, you know. It would have like a fuck you imprinted on it. You have to keep it in a case so it doesn't cut your pocket. That's a special sheath. Hey, listen, Chris, we are running short on time here. Why don't we go ahead and get into our guest? And why don't you go ahead and give our guest his special introduction, complete with its own introduction music. What do you say? Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Okay. That means introduce them, Chris. Thanks, Al. Jersey City native Vince Royale. Guys, he's been he's on comedy from the East Coast to the West. Again, he's in a documentary. It's about to come out. It's called Inside Joke. It's four years in the making. Eighty hours of footage featuring Vince. And also next March on MTV Networks, he'll be appearing in a recurring role on an MTV reality show. He's got two big shows in the Southern California area coming up next week. Please welcome. Our guest, Vince Royale. Hey, cue music. So, all right. Forget the music. No music. Vince, welcome to the show. I like that song that came on right before. Well, it came on at the wrong time. That's the only problem. It's supposed to interest a guest. Intro music is supposed to occur once you've introduced the guest. Then the intro music comes on. You don't usually just play random music. Hey, just just hit any music any time. How's it going? Vince, that is the largest ice tea I've ever seen. You might have to go to the bathroom halfway through the show. Yeah. That's fine. That's good. No, I'm just excited, man. Yesterday was my birthday. And then I happy birthday. I didn't. Yeah, it was fun. And then how old Vince? You're Filipino. So you don't you don't age. He's actually sixty eight. Fifty five. A lot of Botox done a lot of, you know, you know, to keep the youthful look. Well, you're actually not just Filipino. I understand that you are sort of an amalgamation. You're like a universal child. Like for a long time, I did research. I didn't know my father's side for a long time. And I always was the assumption that my my my family. Was from Spain. And I was really excited. I was proud to be of European descent. Well, because you're of royalty. Exactly. And then so, you know, right before my grandfather died, I went to go see him. I said, you know, Grandpa, I want to learn more about my father's side. You know, what part of Spain are we from? You know, I just want to know my roots. And he goes from Mexico. I'm like, oh, the kingdom of Mexico. So wait, so where does the name Royale come from? Then? No, it's actually my middle name. My government name. It's actually my birth name is Rivera. Your slave name. My slave name. I actually didn't change it to get a stage name. I actually decided before I moved to L.A., I'm just going to use Royale. So student loan people couldn't find me if I would. Did you know this, Chris? Are you aware of it's not just a rumor because people talk about it, but I've seen it firsthand. There are a lot of attractive young ladies who enjoy hanging on the arm of Mr. Vince Royale. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think I think when we did the the bad advice show at Flappers a couple of months ago, Vince was there with a girl who couldn't have been couldn't have been older than 24. Which was it? What she was? He doesn't even remember which one it was. You'll never hear me utter that phrase. And a lovely girl. I want to shout out to porn star friends of mine, Kat Dillon and Kira Sid. I've been I've been stalking them for a while now. And then they were kind enough to retweet me today. So I'm really excited about that. That made my birthday. How does one go about stalking porn stars? I know they already spread their vaginas. They're like the best porn stars in the world. How do you stalk them exactly? I don't know. Just keep tabs on them on certain websites. And are these actual porn stars? Because if you ask me, we kind of throw the word star around a little too much. They're they're they're they're new. I just found them recently and I really enjoy their work. Here's a work. Here's a picture of him. He's going to show us a picture of the porn stars that he's stalking. I wonder if at some point Vince will develop an emotional connection to them. You know, he's going to call him one day. He's like, you were looking in that guy's eyes. You weren't just doing a song. No. You were. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not. I admire and support of their work. I've got to meet a lot of a few porn stars. Now, what do you mean by support? Have you actually paid to watch their porn? You get the free shit on you, Jizz. No, like like I've actually got to meet them and know them personally. A few of them actually are human beings. They have a moat and they have this one porn star friend of mine. Her name's Anya Navia. Shout out to her. She's a great mom. Amazing mom. And she said, you know, why are you looking at me? You are ruining this for me. You are ruining porn for me. They they have feelings. They have hopes, Chris. You know, what? Hopes and dreams and children. No, my biggest turn off desires and wants. She's a great person. You know, outside of porn, she's a great mom. And you know, how old is how old is her kid? Think her kid's about four or five years old. And she's doing it, you know, to set up a good future for her daughter. I wish my mom would have done porn. Vince, talk to us about how you got into stand up comedy. How did that come about for you? It was actually back in college. I would host shows and I would book comics. But this is like before I even knew I was doing stand up. I would just go up there and host shows that I didn't even know back then. I was doing crowd work. So it was more I decided because prior to comedy, I was a promoter. I worked for different record labels. I graduated with a degree in marketing, so I had a knack for just getting the word out. But when I came to California, I know I didn't want to get back into doing music and I was depressed because I had my heart broken by a young lady like yourself. Were you in the living room crying like Chrissy? Yeah, that was that was that was that was about to say Vince cried one tear. Then he moved on. No, I was really I was I was a relationship type of guy. But this didn't work out. Had my heart broken. I decided I'm going to drink my life away. So I just started hanging out of bars. And one time and when I first moved in California five years ago, I didn't know anybody at all. So I would just hang out at bars. And one time they had an open mic at the Lucky Strike bowling alley. And on Highland and Hollywood. No, no, no. This was in Orange County. OK. And I just signed up and I was drunk and I just started going up there ranting. And people found I got a good response. And so I decided, you know what, this makes me feel good. So at first it was just it was a coping mechanism to deal with the depression. Vince, may I ask how old you are? Didn't we go through that already? He said it was his birthday, but I didn't catch how old he was. Oh. My real age or my industry age? Your real age. Age range. 35 actually. But you know, I mean, I like to tell women I'm 25 because I don't feel guilty when I'm having sex with 20 year olds. You know, it's kind of like. I would not feel guilty having sex with a 20 year old if I were 80. But I'm comfortable with it now. You know, I mean, I like like I've told I tell women like this is my age and they're shocked. They're like, oh, my God, you're 35. But look, you look so young, but you're so hot. In fact, I don't know if you know about this website, but Chris Z turned me on to a special website. It's called Age of Consent. Dot com that tells you the age of sexual consent for each state in the union. Really? Yeah. You might want to check it out. You can help. At the time I was writing an essay where I was asserting that we should raise the age of consent across the nation. And that's why I'm sure that's I'm sure that's what he wanted to do. I try not to deal with any more chicks under 25. So that's your cutoff is 25. 23. I get it. By the end of the show, it'll be 16. My cutoff is consciousness. Sorry, Vince. The reason I ask that question is because it seems like you've lived a lot. I remember once we spoke and you surprised me. I think you told me you were married, correct? Yeah. You know what? I don't want to bring that up, but you know what I'm saying? Because that's something that I really put me in a really bad state in a bad mood. I'm having a good day. Way to be a downer, Chris. But I didn't know that. It doesn't say that on your bio here. Yeah, I don't know why you brought that up. I don't want to talk about that. But thanks, Chris, for bringing that up. And well, here's the. All right. Fair enough. Apparently, Vince, you also worked on some soap operas. What'd you do on soap operas? Oh, no, I didn't do any freaking. I don't have any. I had one. It wasn't like a recurring role. It was like a general hospital. I had like one line. What'd you what'd you do on G.H.? You got to say G.H. to prove your. It was it was like at a bar. There was a fight scene and I was like, Hey, guys, knock it off. Is that on YouTube? Can we get that? Did you improvise that or was that actually scripted? Knock it off. That they were scripted. But hey, man, you performed in some pretty, pretty big venues on the East Coast. Caroline's Gotham Comedy Club, Comic Strip Live and Yankee Stadium. What's that about? Not Yankee Stadium. They have a restaurant. That's what you wrote in your bio, buddy. It sounds better. But there's actually they rebuilt Yankee Stadium and they have a great shopping area in the stadium itself. And they have this restaurant. My buddy does comedy shows there. Well, he did. And I got to I got a chance to perform when they went for the grand opening. Okay. So it was pretty cool. Now. About the shows you currently produce, because I because you have quite a reputation for being a hustler. I mean, you get around, man. Every time I'm on Facebook, I see you're either appearing somewhere or producing the show itself. How did that come to be? Because I'm a workaholic. And like I said, it's always been a growing up in Jersey and New York. You have to have that aggressive, assertive type of hustle or else you just get lost in this. It's just I just took that same attitude. I took that same attitude and mentality when I moved here to California. And I just felt like it's just something that's in me that I got to continue doing. If not, if I feel unproductive, if I'm not doing anything. You do feature some pretty solid talent on the shows at the Braille Improv. Next Tuesday, you get that Richard Villa and Alfred Robles. Both of them are friends of mine. Yeah, great dudes. I got Toby Hicks on there, a couple of other guys, good friends of mine. And these guys are, you know, veterans. They've been in the business for a while. Have solid credits. They've got off tour with Gabriel Iglesias. He just recently featured in Comedy Central for his show. So I'm honored to have them on my show. Yeah. When I see your lineups, a lot of people, they show up to those with those kind of outside promoter, you know, independently produced shows at the Improvs and they they frequently encounter a lot of comics who maybe are buddies with the guy who put the show on and varying levels of talent. Right. But in your case, I mean, you've got solid. I know Toby Hicks. I mean, this guy's been a headliner for at least a decade. Richard Villa is on the cusp of great talent. And I mean, he's not a household name, as it is, but guys, I'm going to go ahead and play a clip of Vince Ray outperforming at the Broadway Comedy Club in New York. Yes, you guys are judging me right now. It's like this Chinese Mexican better be funny, man. Yeah, I didn't know Bruno Mars had a retarded brother. Let me explain what this is. You know, my mom's Filipino and my dad is missing. I hate that. You know, I mean, he used to leave the house and leave me with a babysitter all the time so we could go to the bar. Then one day I lost my virginity to the babysitter. Yeah, it wasn't that great. Uncle Jimmy is rough, man. Started wrestling. He got weird. All my single moms, single moms, make some noise. No. OK. Nice. Anybody want to be a single mom? I hate being single, though, you know, because you go to a bar and they name the drinks after things you're not going to get. Right. Sex on the beach. Screaming orgasm. Like, really? Then you just name it after things that's really going to happen. Like I don't order it. I'm like, hi, can I have some sex with regret, please? I'll take one for the team. That's not bad. Some fake phone numbers. A DUI. And some blue balls on the rocks. It's crazy. That's some real stuff, man. Like lately, I've been to all the women, though, right? Because all the women don't play games, except for bingo. They love that. Cute, though. Like my grandma's friends. Always flirt with me, right? So I took her on a date. She's so cute. We got discount movies, discounted diners. I didn't have to meet her parents. And I know it's not going to be a long term relationship, right? Well, I just want a friend with benefits like Medicare. I spoiled it, though. I took her shopping. Went to Forever 21, right? I got her this cute dress and I noticed she had this tattoo on the thigh. I'm like, damn, Bertha. That is sexy. What is that, a mermaid? She doesn't know. That's my veins. I'm like, oh. That was nasty. That's good, man. My best friend's West Indian. He's from an island called Rikers. He's always trying to get me to sneak him something in, like a cell phone. He's like, yo, Vince, I'm here with an iPhone. I'm like, what are you texting for prison? Can you imagine that? I'm like, yeah, oh. Drop the soap, LOL. 27 more years, sad face. I was telling you to turn it down and it was. Well, I could lower the volume. No, no, no. We're good. That was Vince Roy outperforming at Broadway Comedy Club in New York City. You know what? Unfortunately, I see that you have three thumbs down. Who thumbs down? You on YouTube. Probably Bertha or my boy that got locked out. The AARP. So what's it like, man, performing out here in Los Angeles? Are you happy? You say you arrived in Los Angeles, what did you say, five or seven years? About five years ago. Five years ago you arrived in Los Angeles. Do you regret it or are you happy to be here? I mean, at first I really didn't know anybody. When I first moved, it was very depressing. Like I said, I was going through a bad breakup and honestly, I didn't know I was going to do comedy. Something just came. I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to do comedy. It just came into my life, you know, just me trying to drink my life away and trying to use comedy as a coping mechanism to overcome my depression and that's what I, you know, that's what I did and eventually it just got to the point that I got so obsessed with it. I did it first, I did it three, four times a week and the next thing you know, I'm doing it five, six times a week, seven times and I just continued with it. I stuck with it. I'm not sure that comedy is a wiser or healthier option than drinking. Hey, but let me ask you, something that always interests me. Like, Hey, but let me ask you, something that always interests me. Like, I can say that Brad Pitt loves architecture and he would be an architect if he weren't an actor. So since you have a marketing degree, would you be working at some ad agency right now if you weren't doing stand up? Um, I don't know. Cause the thing about stand up, what I like is that like you're your own boss, you know, you don't have to, that's what I like about the freedom to be able to just, you know, book your own shows, do your own marketing. I don't have to answer anybody. So I'm really sticking with it. So hopefully it can be something lucrative where I don't have to go back doing a corporate job. Cause I did work, like I said, for a record labels back when I was in New York. And I just hated being in the office doing freaking spreadsheets and doing research for your boss and you know, but that's what I like about stand up. I don't know what I'd be doing outside of stand up. Probably starting my own business. I've always been like entrepreneurial. Yeah. Like Chris said, I'm a hustler. That's all I know. All my life. I grew up in Jersey city where everybody's trying to hustle each other, trying to compete. So I just took that attitude and that mentality and I just apply that to what I do with stand up. And like, I said, if nobody's going to book me shows, nobody's going to put me on, I'll create my own shows. I'll do, I'll start my own open mic. I'll, I'll, I'll make sure I get a show at the improv. I'll make sure I book my own tours. I've always been proactive. I've never wanted to sit around and wait for somebody to, Hey, hopefully they'll, they'll discover me, you know? And in 2011, a host at the John Lovitz comedy club, you were voted, or you're the winner of the funniest comedian in Southern California, 2011. Yeah, that was, that was really fun. I was really shocked that I won anything. I've never won anything in my life. What did you, did you have a prize? Was there a monetary prize? I think I got the headline, the John Lovitz. That was the first time I started actually headlining, which, which is fucking crazy. Cause at that time I've never headlined and I was like, damn, that means I'm forced to freaking come up with more material, do more time. Yeah. So now, so now you're headlining, you're doing 45 minutes. I can, yeah, I can do about 45. And I'm saying I have like 30 minutes of material that I don't like that. I'll just throw out there. Yeah. But like about 45, 40, 45 minutes that I'm happy with. But you know, like I said, as a, as a comic, you always, always constantly changing and evolving your jokes anyway. You should be. If not, you belong on the road in Florida. Where Chris came from. Working one C room after another talking about, you know, construction and pharmaceuticals. For that contest, they're actually starting the second one in February. So you mean I could potentially win funniest comedian in Southern California, 2013? Yeah, they actually have great prizes. Like the top prize, like 500 bucks. You get to get spots at the improv comedy store and all that. I just want to win that. And I got a Mr. Hankey collectible doll. That was it. I got 300 bucks, Mr. Hankey collectible. And I got the headline, John Lovett's club. Now let me ask you, Vince, since we talked about young, attractive women earlier, have you experienced what is commonly referred to as chuckle fuckers? Oh yeah. Yeah. A lot of them. Which is funny because like women in every online dating profile, most women will put they want somebody funny, a great guy with great sense of humor. They always say that, but I figure they just say that because they're too embarrassed or too shameful to say, I want a rich man. Yeah, that too. But you know, I think that I've always experienced, I've seen not so attractive comedians go up and kill and destroy and all of a sudden they're hooking up with a chick after a show. It's just a matter of being on top of your game. Really? Yeah. And when you do, what do you do? Well, the thing is people make the assumption that you must work consistently. And you, I mean, if you look, look how good he did. He must be somebody, he must be a working comic. No, they don't realize that. I mean, I know, I know, I know a girl who did a spot on late night TV and went back to a serving shift the next morning. Really? Yeah. Serving what? That's the reality of it. Exactly. So you can eat. What I'm saying is to my fellow comics out there, you can easily fool them. Just have a good set one night and be like, Hey, you know what? I do this every night. You know, so far telling any women I have a weekly internet radio show has gotten me no pussy whatsoever. They're not impressed. You got to make sure they listen. Hey guys, let's go ahead and move on with our segments. You will be joining us until the very end because we want you to chime in on our last stuff. We're going to get into our next segment here, which is Chris's Corner. Chris, you all set? I'm all set Sal. All right. Fire away. Chris's Corner. Recently, I overheard two adult coworkers discussing Noah's Ark, the Old Testament narrative of man who, at God's behest, built a boat capable of accommodating some 50,000 species of animals and 1 million species of insects, then coaxed them all aboard in one week. Two of every animal, from Arctic polar bears to Komodo dragons, hailing from different corners of the earth. Plus 40 days worth of each creature's unique. Dietary requirements. That's 40 days worth of uncanned, unrefrigerated food, plus the live flora and fauna that some creatures require. Two of every animal whose sexes had to be confirmed. Many that would have had to been sequestered to prevent them from preying on each other. Plus tapirs, hippos, and countless other beasts that breathe air but spend the bulk of their days immersed in water. Who walked these beasts to prevent muscular atrophy? Who filed their hooves and teeth? Who shoveled the mountains? Who Well, according to the good book, a crew of eight. And after 40 consecutive days in these conditions, not one of these creatures suffered illness or injury that prevented it from mating successfully when it reached its final destination. What about birds? Are we to believe that they sat stationary for 40 days? Obviously, none of that is true. embody this promise. This story might pass muster with a child, but adults know, or should know, that the atmospheric laws of refraction cause rainbows, not God. I could go on about how patently ludicrous this story is, but by now I've made my point to any right-minded listener. There are and will always be folks who claim that science, mathematics, statistical, and logistical improbabilities that render this scenario hopelessly implausible were bested by God's will. Which begs the common sense question, then why wouldn't he just use a more efficient method for mass murdering mankind in the first place? That's Chris's Corner. Thanks for joining us. Chris, why do you worship the devil? Because he's been a lot kinder to me, Sal. I think, you know what, we have come out of the closet. When I say we, I mean Chris, come out of the closet as an atheist. You are an outspoken atheist. I think I've come out of the closet as a thinker, as more accurate. All right, we're going to get into our next segment, which is Sal's Weekly Rant. Let's hit that. For those of you men out there with thinning hair, I hope you find your answer. I never have. It all sucks. I first noticed my hair thinning at my crown in my late 20s. My hairstylist lied to me. My girlfriends lied to me. I saw it. Apparently no one else did. It became much more commonplace. Much more prominent by my mid-30s. I was even approached by an audience member after a big show. Great comedy, he said. Did you know your hair is thinning in the back? I scanned through numerous tapes of on-camera acting assignments. And what stood out was a scene from a webisode pilot where I chased my cute wife down a courtyard after she accuses me of lusting after a neighbor. I froze the playback. There it was. My bald spot. This was no hairstylist or girlfriend around to lie to me. I was going bald. What to do? My first option was to go bald. My second option was a shampoo called Nioxin. Daily usage promising to thicken the hair. But it wasn't my hair's thickness that was the problem. It was the lack of hair. I looked into Rogaine and Propecia. One was a pill. One was a topical solution. I'm paranoid of taking pills. Anything other than an occasional antibiotic freaks me out. What the hell is this doing to me? And a daily liquid to coat my scalp? Brain cancer. I finally succumbed to a Sunday morning infomercial, Hair Club for Men. You've seen the ads. Running for at least a day. A generation. I'm not only the Hair Club president. I'm also a client. They have two options at Hair Club. One is a bio matrix weave, which is fancy talk for a toupee. The other is hair plugs or hair transplants where they remove hair from a more fertile area of your head and insert it into so-called plugs into the balding area. The price for that was at least ten thousand dollars. The price for the toupee was two thousand dollars. I'll admit the toupee worked. No one knew. No one could tell. Only a few close friends and family members were aware of my little hairy secret. But it has maintenance. Lots and lots of maintenance. For one, you need to have more than one hair system, as it's also called. Like owning a suit, you need to have one to wear while the other is being cleaned or repaired. It's also messy. You would hear the toupee to your head with either glue or tape. I chose tape, leaving me with the chore of the weekly removal and cleaning of the sticky mess on my head and on the system. Yes, it looked real. I was even confident to go swimming and ride roller coasters. I even once let a pretty young girl run her fingers through it. Eventually, I grew tired of the work, the maintenance and the secret. I decided to shave my head completely bald. That is no utopia either. Even with a clean shaven head, you can still see the bald spot. And I'm forced to shave it at least every three days, lest my bald spot reveal itself to a greater degree. And I like to use good, disposable razors. And as any man will tell you, good razors are a rip off. Going bald sucks and all the so-called solutions also suck. I recommend you just be a guy who's balding. Fuck it all. There's no hope. Who loves you, baby? Thank you. That was Sal's weekly rant. I love it, Sal. I love, Sal, that you reported that like it was late breaking news. There's people out there going, what? Going bald is not a great thing, not a high point in our lives? Well, you know, some guys, I think, have a better time with it. You know, they say it's a big fear for a lot of guys about going bald. But I think some guys just ease into it a little easier or better. Better than others. I had a real hard time with it emotionally. I will say this, and I've always believed this. It is much more distinguished to have a shaved head or to be bald like Captain Jean-Luc Picard than it is to see a guy in a toupee. That to me is the most pathetic. You know, when you see a guy and it doesn't match the hair. Well, you're talking about a bad toupee then. Yeah, but how often do you really see a convincing toupee? You wouldn't know that if it's a toupee that's convincing, you wouldn't know. You can tell. Everybody can tell. The hair's too thick. You never see it actually connecting to the scalp. It never perfectly matches that, you know, the hair and the kind of crown, the surrounding hair. Yeah, I just think, man, it's a it's like it's like a man who lies about his age. It's just sad. Like, yeah, especially those Filipinos. I hear they lie about their age because they look younger. Hey, guys, let's get into our final segment of the day, which we call tragic comedy. This is where we as stand up comedians talk about the worst comedic experience that we've ever had, whether at a comedy club, at a venue with an audience, with with another comedian. Worst comedic experiences called tragic comedy. Chris, you first. Well, Sal, it just so happens that one of my one of my my worst one of my lowest comedic moments happened last night. What? That's right. I have been trying to get into the Ice House for about six years. The Ice House is the country's oldest comedy club. It is the oldest comedy club. I'm from Pasadena, California. I've been leaning on the book for four years. She left. I started leaning on the next booker. They you know, they they put up kind of old school comics, you know, guys who were clean, you know, your typical kind of punch line oriented white guy. And I fit in perfectly. But I've always gotten the same line. Look, we've got literally several thousand comedians in our database. Many of them are far more distinguished than you are. You know, they never they've never told me. We don't think you're you're capable. We don't think you're your material is not good. And nothing like that. Just simply. You don't rate. So I circumvented the booker. I started talking directly to the owner of the club. This guy's been around forever. His concept of comedy is what I do. It's that guy, you know, the guy that you see on The Tonight Show telling good, clean jokes. And he was very kind to me and he helped set up a showcase last night. But it was kind of short notice. They let me know on Monday. So I told everyone I could. Jeremy Hansen of Skid Row Studios, owner, proprietor, chief sound engineer of Skid Row Studios there last night with his lovely, lovely girlfriend and but he was he and his girlfriend were two of four people, two or four people who showed up for the show. I went on second and in the middle of my set, the monitor started to crackle loudly unbeknownst to me, the audience couldn't hear it. It was in the monitor. The monitor faces the performer. So to me, we say a monitor. You mean a speaker? No, no. A monitor is the speaker that's meant so a performer can hear what's going on, so if there's sound issues or if he's not coming through, he can hear it himself. Really? I've never heard. Yeah. Music musicians do it a lot as well. That's why it's facing away from the audience. I think I've seen that. So the whole time I'm up there, I'm trying to find the right way to hold the microphone again, unbeknownst to me, the audience doesn't hear the sound issue. So I just look like I'm either crazy or incompetent. And luckily it happened to several other comedians throughout the night, so I know I'm not crazy or incompetent. In the middle of my set, this girl in the front row again, there's four, four audience members, I don't know, she came down with an advanced case of consumption, but just started. Hacking, coughing loudly in the middle of my set, I had ten minutes to work with. When that abated, two other females came into the showroom, not quietly. They came in, they didn't wait till I got offstage and sneaked in, they came in right in the middle my set, they were too noisy doing it. It was just, just not great. It was a comedic, it was a comedy of errors. And this was the show, and again, the booker was in the room and Bob, the owner of the Ice House Comedy Club, were both there. I want to express and Skid Row Studios owner was there yeah and although he was very kind and he told me he said you know you pulled it off like a professional or whatever I didn't notice all these distractions but I did and I felt like given all those kind of variables I was able to perform at about 60% of actually what I'm capable of delivering you know so that was that was Chris's tragic comedic experience there you go I'll throw it to you you still seem depressed about it I'm sorry to hear that mine happened when we were on a USO tour now to be specific we're working for Armed Forces Entertainment which owns the USO so we are in the country of Bahrain that was recently featured on the news because they had an issue with Kim Kardashian visiting Bahrain also Michael Jackson spent some time there so it's a little island off of Saudi Arabia so we are on a military base in Bahrain about to do our show and the crowd I mean I would hardly call it a crowd as much as just a mob they were a drunken young mob that had just gotten back into port from probably being in Afghanistan or something they could not give a shit about a comedy show going on that they might not even have known was going to even happen that night so we get up on stage we're going to do our thing they are not even paying attention they're yelling they're screaming they're drunk and you know what we did not even do our show we essentially just turned it into a drunken hey buddy come on up and tell a joke we invited people up on stage to just tell dirty jokes and then we had a joke contest where I then just gave people meal vouchers to the winner of the dirty joke contest so here I am I traveled to the other side of the fucking world to do a comedy show for these people they didn't give a shit and meanwhile I can't cuss them out because we're supposed to show patriotism I couldn't say hey fuck you you stupid motherfuckers I'll be like well you know and then thank you for your service so what did we do we put on a stupid show and then at the end the best part was at the very end of the basically voucher giveaway show at the very end the guy who worked for the base comes up and he goes is that what you guys do like he thought that was our show he thought that our show was just invite people from the audience have them tell dirty jokes and then give out meal vouchers yes this is what we do for the USO traveling the world this is our show yeah that crowd wasn't just an unruly mob they had clearly made up their minds from moment one to not just ignore the show but to disrupt it yeah they were very disruptive and Chris was there he testified to that in fact this is almost like Chris has two tragic comedies in one show the other one brought to my view Vince what do you got to share with us some of your tragic comedy experiences I think it's being like on the road the worst is like getting booked out of town knowing that alright and the book are just looking at you hey man you know what there's only we didn't make enough money at the bar I was wondering if I could buy you some chicken wings oh wait instead of paying you yes or like I've spent nights just sleeping in the car I remember driving this was a few years ago I had a gig in the punchline San Francisco I was just excited and just for my excitement I didn't even think of like setting up like a hotel or a motel room I said you know what I'm just gonna grab a couple buddies of mine my buddy Will and my boy Kareem from Jersey we drove up to San Francisco and we spent so much money on gas we didn't have enough money for a motel it's like what are we gonna do we can't just sleep in the car we're gonna have to so we stayed we slept in the car for two days in a 24 hour fitness parking lot luckily my friend Will was a member so we were able to go inside and shower he let you in on his guest pass yeah so basically it sounds like your tragic comedy experiences is just being a comedian just being a comedian dude I mean I don't think your average person knows about all the stuff you gotta go through especially working on the road as a comedian all the stuff you gotta face all they see is the glamour and the glitter they see you up there on the stage they see the lights they see the applause and the laughter they don't know what goes on behind the scenes like sleeping in a freaking 24 hour fitness parking lot yeah stuff like that I've slept on floors I've slept in cars I've slept I've stayed up all night you might say chuckle fuckers are the only redeeming portion of being a road comic have you had experiences like that Chris where you're just having to rough it while you're on the road oh god absolutely man I did some work in I think it was Washington now I'd lived out here for a few years at the time and I'd been off the road because I actually was auditioning and had some stuff going on locally so I go up to do this show and I forget all about the fact that the weather's different when you're up north in the Pacific Northwest you didn't pack a jacket yeah and I ended up having to sleep in my car one night and I go to sleep kind of early let's say you know it's like 9 o'clock 10 o'clock I wake up a few hours later like shaking and I literally had to go into my trunk pull every item of clothing and make myself like a snowman of clothing I had to put everything on to keep myself warm because that's the only heat I had and what the hell were you in the Walmart parking lot no no I was it was one of these things where they line up work for you let's say you have a show on Wednesday Thursday Friday and Saturday but you fly in on Tuesday so you know it's an off night and they don't provide a hotel so I had nowhere to stay and of course putting yourself up in a hotel eats into your wages you know in some cases it'll eat your wages for the entire night so you know I go yeah no big deal it won't be the first time I've slept in my car but again I didn't take into account that I wasn't prepared for the weather and in fact I went into the hotel and I told them the circumstances I said listen I'm booked here tomorrow I'm a comedian I'm here for the next couple nights because sometimes a lot of hotel owners they'll let you stay for free you know they know you're on the road you know why you're there if they have a free room they'll just let you you know use it but this girl was just this young cunty little you know she was on her cell phone clearly wanted to get back to her conversation so she just was like no no again no I'm like is there anyone you can call she's like no the manager will be in tomorrow morning so that option fell through so I went back out to the car and I was I slept in the parking lot of the hotel that I would be staying at the next day I'm surprised the security guard didn't kick you out of the parking lot wow yeah at one point I did kind of wander around into one of the buildings hoping I could find just maybe like under a staircase or some little crevice be careful because people get killed in staircases this happened over the summer I got booked to do some spots in Vegas so I decided I'm going to be adventurous I'm going to drive to Vegas on my own so I took my little Honda Civic and I was like I'm going to drive now wait a second you're an Asian guy with a Honda Civic I don't believe it and no insurance alright so that's the Mexican part exactly so I'm driving two hours I'm close to Barstow my check engine light pops on and all of a sudden smoke starts fucking coming out the hood and I'm like oh no it overheats so like I had to pull over I'm in the freeway stuck I don't have triple A I don't have insurance so the cops come I know I'm screwed so the state trooper comes and goes is there a problem I was like oh I have a gig in Vegas I'm a comedian I got a show tonight hey and the dude was cool enough to help me push the car to the next exit so he never even asked for my paperwork so I was freaking shitting bricks because I'm like they're going to tow the car and I'm not going to make my gig but I was stuck in Barstow so what happened did you make it to the gig and did you get your car repaired and make it to Vegas what happened was I actually stayed in Barstow for the night did a show at the police station I slept in my car again! and I told the booker look I'm not going to make it tonight I'm going to have to get on the Greyhound they said that's fine you can do the show tomorrow night so I was fortunate that there was two shows so I got on the Greyhound bus and made it to the second show I don't know what's worse the breaking down and not making the show or the fact that he was stuck in Barstow that's the part that stands out for me this is like a tragic not just tragic comedies but tragic travels is what it is because I've been to Barstow what is in Barstow nothing it's a McDonald's and a Starbucks I was going to say that's what there is there's a McDonald's that I've heard is one of the world's busiest McDonald's because there's nothing else around I guess everybody on their way back and forth to Vegas passes that McDonald's and it's real big it's like kind of built inside a train car so it's real conspicuous I've eaten there a couple times or so see I just don't think your average person knows all the stuff that a comedian goes through to entertain I mean how do you keep that a proper attitude because if I had to sleep in my car and then I had to get on stage that night I'd be pissed yeah the average person what I've discerned what I've gleaned is that the average person thinks that comedy is fun 24 hours a day and it's really not it's 23 hours a day of misery yeah I know and people like they meet you they're like hey why aren't you funny they're like because I'm having a fucking terrible day I gotta do community service I'm waiting for my EBT to kick in we're going to end the show on that high note Vince tell our audience where they can hear you where they can see you I'm going to be at the Brea Improv like Chris had mentioned this Tuesday the 8pm show and the Ontario Improv on Thursday December 13th and the 11th on the Brea so please come out it's going to be my big birthday show got some great comics solid veterans and great comedians Vince do you have a website or some place where they can look up this information I do but it's not updated so they can go on my Twitter or Facebook and it's simple Vince Royale with an E in the end like Royale with cheese and Vince can also be seen sleeping in the Target parking lot on December 9th I will be Chris where are you going to be I'll be headlining Echoes Under Sunset on Glendale Boulevard in Los Angeles next Tuesday night at 9pm it's a free show free parking it's a beer and wine bar a lot of fun again I'll be headlining please come out and see this show you're more than welcome it's a great place it's quaint a lot of fun and what's your Twitter handle ChrisZ34 it's ChrisZ34 letter Z 34 follow me on Twitter like us on Facebook as well yes like our Facebook page in fact we're going to have a special prize for the next person that likes us on Facebook it's going to come out of my own pocket the next person that likes us on Facebook will get a special prize wait no no people in the studio are trying to no one that can be is here now no one that is here now will qualify if you can see me with your own eyes I want that $25 yeah exactly I'm giving cash out really follow me on Twitter at Sal Los Angeles and thanks to Vince Royale he showed me how to hook up my Twitter with my Facebook so basically when I go on post on Facebook it goes on to Twitter but when I post on Twitter it doesn't go on Facebook because that's where I can put my secret sexual thoughts I'm also going to be a guest right here on Bad Advice tomorrow hosted by Drew Marks right here at 1pm Pacific Standard Time we'd like to thank Jeremy Hansen Skid Row Studio Nicholas Chacon our sound engineer and we would like to thank you for listening what was that Chris? Wes Hambright Orange Dog Music Wes Hambright Orange Dog Music my name is Sal Rodriguez co-host Chris Zayn please tune in again next week we do this every Friday at 1pm right here on skidrowstudios.com R-E-O registered ear offenders and we'd like to thank our guest one last time Vince Royale thank you guys thank you for having me man check out these guys they're funny peace thank you guys! peace out peace out