Intro show with gender debates and comic book talk

But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But Stop, stop to the heart, TikTok, get on. Stop, stop to the heart, TikTok, get on. Oh, yeah. All right. That's right, Skid Row Studios. We got Jenny in the booth. Hello. Hello, hello. You guys, this is our first show. Welcome to Battle of the Sexes with your main host today, Dave Swan. Hey, how's it going? I'm your co-host, Nikki Bernal. Hashtag bots. Check out the show live, skidrowstudios.com. Call in if you feel so inclined. We are going to be doing some discussions today regarding why, first of all, my main co-host, Dave Swan, was late to the show today. One of my co-workers decided they did not want to work. They didn't want to work because it's their day off. And what gender was this co-worker? Female. Female, that what? That I work with. And what? And, Shara, you're enjoying this, aren't you? Oh, I'm loving this right now. So why do you flake out half the time we do writing? Because I'm in an actual relationship. I am not in a relationship. You are not in a relationship. What we are discussing right now is the fact that Dave Swan had to go to the hospital and he was late to the show. He had to work today on his day off because he had a co-worker that's female. I was scheduled, though. Oh, he was scheduled. But I showed up and they're like, yeah, we don't need you. Oh, so you were off pretty much. Yeah. Okay. So basically. That's when I did the logo. Awesome. At least you got some work done. But basically, this co-worker who Dave has shared an intimate side of a relationship with as well. Decided that she didn't want to work today. She wanted to drink instead. We're not sure about that. Oh, we're not sure. This is serious accusations right now. Correct. Law and order style. But anyway, Dave took the bullet for this female. And no, I was told I had to go on right now. Oh, yeah. Really? So it wasn't chivalrous at all in your part? Oh, no, not at all. Not at all. Chivalry is out the window over there. This was just you saying I'm getting screwed over. I'm just going to make my tips. Yeah. Pretty much. Okay. Well, that works too. So how do you feel now? That I'm angry with my co-host and my co-worker? A lot of female hating right now. Jenny, does this sound familiar at all? Male hating on female? No. Co-host being mad at me already. Oh. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. So you're saying the problem's with you. Possibly. But we're going to divulge this as this season of show goes on. Whether it's all my fault. I think we should have a segment called. It's Nikki's fault. It usually is the females to blame. Why? Because men make us crazy. And ladies trick us into doing dumb things. Very, very true. We're dumb and we're easily tricked. Who is it? One of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, had one of the best quotes in the world. And it was that females are crazy, but it's because men are assholes. Well, yeah. I've already said I'm an asshole. Not here, but in general. That's right. Dave has an instructional manual for women that want to date him. And it's called his astrological sign. Yes. I'm a Sagittarius, which means that I don't really feel like committing. I'm adventurous. And I don't remember more because I haven't looked into it anymore. So basically, if a female wants to date you, you just tell her your sign. And then she knows everything she needs to know. Well, yeah. See, this is a really gender skewed thing because now I know that you're more into astrology. Than I am. And I'm the girl. Point for the female squad. Point for the vajayjays. Sorry. You guys always win. It doesn't really matter what the score is at the end of the game. True. But I don't know much about my astrological sign at all. I know I'm a Capricorn. That's about it. I know that's after Sagittarius because I know your birthday is within like a month of mine. Yes. And I know that my first husband was a Sagittarius. And we know how that ended in divorce. Yeah. That's not really a good way to end things. No, I wish I had had the instruction manual. Especially when you say, my first husband. My first and only husband. But it was a very, very heated divorce. You're saying first means it didn't end. I mean, it ended. Well, it was just funny because when we did get divorced, my girlfriends here in LA would tell me, Nikki, if you had known he was a Sagittarius, if you had known his astrological sign, you would have known that you should have never married him. I have no idea what that means. It's because signs, I guess, are incompatible. I just remember one of my friends. Oh, that's fancy. One of my friends was just like, she was kind of drunk one night. Okay. And was talking to the bartender where we were. And she's like, are you, you're probably a water sign or a Sagittarius because you're more of a smart ass. I'm like, what are you trying to say right here? She goes, you know exactly what I'm trying to say, David. I'm like, all right. Fair enough. So she basically just called you out and was completely right. Well, yeah, but she was still hanging out with me. So she knew what she was getting into. It's almost like they need to sign a letter of intent, right? It's a release form. A release form? Yes. What does the release form entail? It says, Dave says things that are smart Alec like, inappropriate. And after you, if you agree to hang out with him, you also have to agree that you will not be offended by the things he says. You will fight. You will be offended by them. Playful and delightful. How many of these women that you date legitimately accept all of this, willingfully and say, okay, you can be a smart ass to me. How much can they take? Not that much. So how long does it last when you're being snarky with them? It all depends. Usually not that long. What is not that long? You're being very vague, which is a typical thing for men to not get along with. And do not be straight to the point. Right. I'm also doing the thing where if I don't give you an exact number, you can't give me, there's a fact. If I leave it open to interpretation, then it's just like, oh, okay. This sounds much like your relationship advice to me all the time. Yeah, because I'm friends with both of you. Very true. For those of you guys that don't know either myself or Dave, we are both stand-up comedians in LA. He is my writing partner, which also becomes a little hectic because he... He is also very good friends with my boyfriend. I don't want to go that far. That is also a comedian. No, don't say that. You guys are friends. You guys have gone to hockey games together. You're bros. True. You guys hang out. So Dave's always in the position where he doesn't want to give me straight out advice because he doesn't want to have to pick a side, which I don't blame you. As a guy, that's a hard thing being a guy friend to a girl, right? I just go, you know I'm listening and I'm not actually giving you any advice. Whatsoever. Right. When I say, uh-huh, that doesn't mean anything. And I have to tell you that when you're like in a sane moment. So you go, okay, he's giving me a heads up about this. True. True. I'm very honest about the things that I do. You are very honest. And I'm being honest right now that I need to use some hand sanitizer right now because the show before us, Blame It On Ginger, is a sex toy show as well. So you're blaming it on ginger right now while you're using it? No. I'm just wondering if I should be bringing Lysol before the show. I was on the Metro. Yeah, you were on the Metro. They were literally, while we were waiting for you, using electrical nipple tassels that would shock their nipples to give them like a little sensation of pleasure. Pleasure. Who controls it? The person holding it. So the person who has them on controls. Has a little button and they can shock themselves in the nipples. Well, that's no fun. You have to have the other person hold it. Well, I'm guessing it's got a long enough cord. Where you can do that. But my point when I was talking to Producer Jenny is that as women, we have one defense against men when they are stronger than us. And it's usually a taser. Now, if we're conditioning you guys to get used to being shocked in the nipples, tasers are no longer an option for us. Why do you automatically assume it's for the guy to put it on their nipples? It could have been for a girl too. But I mean, how many guys are going to be tasering a woman? Creep balls? Exactly. And also, you made it look like you were going to be a woman. It looked like when you go like taser, it looked like you're saying your one defense is actually to grab the guy in the nuts. I guess mentally I was thinking grab in the nuts. Because that's what my hands were doing. But my mouth was saying tasers. I don't know. They even had this really big crystal dildo. Why crystal? I don't know why you'd want it to be clear. Maybe you could see that it's clean on all sides. Was it part of the bad Indiana Jones movie? That's the crystal penis to match the crystal skull. That would be. Funny. Well, that means aliens aren't asexual. Oh, that's true. But has that ever been proven anyway? I don't really want to meet the person who's going into that research. You don't want to meet someone with a crystal skull and a crystal penis because you're male. Unless they're drunk because that means they have crystal skull vodka. Crystal skull vodka. That's one of those cheap, like very generic vodkas with a really cool container, right? Yeah, the vodka is kind of, but the container makes it really expensive. Okay. Is it bad? I want to play with the buttons over here. Dave's just getting used to his hosting booth. So yeah, play away. Check out your sound bites. No, I do not. I don't think so. It's off right now. Oh, well. Can you hear the click engine? I can press little things. He's like a guy. He's totally like a guy right now. He sees buttons and he just wants to push them. Okay. I press badges. I don't see anything. I don't hear anything. Hey. Jenny, be the female. Be the smarter person in the room and prove our gender is more intelligent and explain to him what button pushing does. She took control of my mouse and is showing me how to do it. I love it. A woman in the sound booth that can take control of a man's clicker. Every woman can take control of a man's clicker. All right. It's really. Ooh. Here's Johnny. Oh, do I have to hold it until it's done playing? Nope. You just click it. All right. All you have to do is click. You're only a punk and a pretty second rate punk at that. I agree with you, gentlemen. Idiot. Oh, fucking idiot. Are you having fun? You're a fucking idiot. That one's way too long. I just thought it was going to be short. No. I'm going to be done with this for a little while. Are you serious? Oh, now the song's back on. This is how Dave's computer is right now. We have like the most. It's an old computer. How old is this computer? 2008. Has it been used for a lot of porn? Do I need to sanitize your computer as well? I have sanitized it. Since it's been used for a lot of porn. I have a second one for that. How do guys sanitize their computers for porn? I wouldn't know because as a female, I don't watch a lot of porn. No, I don't need hand sanitizer. That would hurt if we're discussing porn. Oh, no. I was just saying use a little bit of that. Use a wet wipe. That's not lube. That's hand sanitizer. I know for the keyboard. Oh, for the keyboard. Jesus Christ. Oh, I didn't know if you guys like Lysol it or Windex it. I was saying for the keyboard. I was saying for the keyboard. I was saying for the keyboard. I was saying for the keyboard. I was saying for the keyboard. I'm not talking about Windexing. I don't know if you Lysol it or Windex it. That would burn. Same reason you don't use Icy Hot. How do you know that? Because I have a cousin who got tied up as a pledge prank or whatever. What? And he got Icy Hotted all over his body. Are you serious? Yeah. Okay. That's painful. Okay. So, Dan. And also, I might have put Icy Hot a little close to that region when I had a cold. After a workout? Yeah. Oh, okay. Gotcha. It's sensitive. So, since this is our first intro show, why don't you discuss a little bit about where you're from and why you are the way you are as male. I know how you are, but our audience members don't know what you like, what you're into. What do you mean why I am the way I am? Do you want me to give examples? Are we going with nurture versus nature at this point? No. Like I was explaining to Jenny earlier, while you're the man that will sit at home on Pinterest looking for recipes. Are you looking for the perfect panko crusted almond glazed salmon? No. Right now, it's for hard cider popsicles. Hard cider popsicles. And they did not turn out right this morning, so I'm retrying them tonight. Exactly. Why are you the type of man that loves cooking, loves Pinterest, loves smooth jazz, loves country music? Where are you from? What started you out this way? Are you more of a mama's boy? Daddy's boy? More of a mama's boy. Most men are. Okay. My mom was the one who took care of us. Even though my dad was the one who ran the house, my mom's like, he had to check with her for everything. But your dad has a really manly job though. Yeah. Sells construction equipment. Like literally the big rigs and the cranes and the dope trucks. And he, uh, and my mom, no, when my brother got a dog at the house, my dad's like, well, you can ask your mom. My mom goes, ask your dad. And my dad's like, I think I'm going to get tricked. Really? Yeah. And you never, like when you were a kid, did you play with a ton of like. Yeah. G.I. Joe's. Like Tonka trucks and stuff like that? No, G.I. Joe's, Ninja Turtles, Transformers. Typical stuff. Yeah. But you were never into trucks and big rigs because your dad had real ones? Yeah. Never needed to. Okay. But your brother on the other hand. Yeah. You guys are kind of like polar opposites. Just a little bit. Okay. So how. Both of us like to cook though. Both of you like to cook? Me a little more so than him, but he still knows how. But my dad, his way around, like when we were growing up, he always said never be too handy in the kitchen. Using the microwave is too handy. What? Yeah. Never be too handy in the kitchen. And does he mean like, so a woman will cook for you? Pretty much. Okay. So he was just saying basically be lazy. That way you'll have a woman take care of you. Right. Okay. Like he went from his mom to my mom. For food? Pretty much. Really? Yeah. They're like high school sweethearts. Okay. Got it. And your mom did all the cooking? Yeah. Yeah. But you were like her little helper? No, not really. I never had really any interest until I was in college. Okay. Why in college? Because you were sick of eating cafeteria food? No. I don't know. Just kind of wanted to try and impress girls pretty much. Let's be honest. Okay. So that's the real, that's a really weird twist because most women say the key to a man's heart is through a stomach. And you're basically saying the key to a woman's heart is through her stomach. Hasn't really worked out for me though. That's because girls in LA don't eat. You're going the wrong route. Well, that's true. You buy them shoes. You don't buy them. I'm from the Midwest. Girls from the Midwest eat. Girls from the Midwest are not on Maxim Magazine. There's a flaw in my plan. The plan was developed in the Midwest. The plan was developed for big linebacking women. Hey, hey. That have childbearing hips. That might be true. The big linebacking part, not always true. Okay. Just. Okay. And yourself, Nikki. How do we get Nikki the softball player? Because my dad did a lot of the raising. My mom, both my parents worked when I was born. My parents were very, very young. Like your, your parents were how old when they had you? They were 30 when you had them. Today's their 37th anniversary. Oh, congratulations. Happy anniversary to Mr. and Mrs. Swan. If they're listening in, I don't know. Probably not. Probably not because you were too embarrassed to tell your parents that we were going to No, I told them. Oh, you did. I don't know. Tell them what it was about. Well, if I was having an anniversary, the last thing I'd want to be listening to in the bedroom is my son's podcast. I'd rather you not bring up that they're in the bedroom. It's their anniversary. You are here because they were in a bedroom. I like to think of them not doing that because they sleep in separate beds. Wait, what? Oh yeah. My dad snores like a chainsaw. Okay. So it's only for the snoring. My mom snores like a chainsaw now too. Haven't they heard of breathe right strips? Yeah. Doesn't work. Not at all. So how does that work? When I, not that I want to get too far into this, but when they do want to do anything, do they have to like push both beds together or they sleep in separate bedrooms? My mind's not working right now, but yes, they sleep in completely separate bedrooms. Aw. I don't even know how to respond to that. That sounds like my grandparents. Like it kind of worked out me going to college because they're like, all right, mom's like, I'm sleeping in your room now. You go. Okay. So they did sleep together in the same room until you went to college. No, we had a guest bedroom. My mom was sleeping in there for a long time. Okay. Wow. I never really thought about that, about like parents or people that are married sleeping in other bedrooms because of snoring or sleep apnea. Oh yeah. It was always weird when you would watch those like old sitcoms where they'd have the two separate beds. Yeah. But then like growing up, I go, okay, I get it. Like I could hear my dad in the other end of the house. Right. Snoring. I guess, I guess I understand that because Rob snores like a chainsaw. My boyfriend, Rob, who's also a comic, snores really, really badly. I tried to get him to use Breathe Right strips. He was using them for a while. But don't tell Rob that your parents slept in separate bedrooms because then I'll never get to stay over. He'll use the snoring as an excuse. You say that like you like staying over. I do like staying over. I do. I just don't like watching him play Titanfall for hours on end. But yeah. Yeah. Some. Your parents were 30 when they had you. My parents were 22 when they had me. There's a bit of a difference there. Yeah. There's a huge difference. I mean, my parents were high school sweethearts. They met when they were 14 years old in high school and they had been married like since out of high school. They got married when they were 19 years old. They couldn't even drink at their own wedding. I know. How ridiculous is that? But so basically when you have parents that are that young, they don't really know how to raise their first child. They don't know how to raise their first child, let alone they're still getting used to adulthood on their own. Yeah. See, my dad and my dad worked all the time. And my mom's like, if you want to have a kid. Right. We have to start. You have to take Saturdays off. Right. He didn't. But. It was like she's like, all right, you have to be off work on Saturday. She was OK. They ended up still going to work every Saturday. Oh, you're kidding. I don't know. Well, both my parents worked. But. But the thing was, like, they did a lot of extracurricular activities outside. My dad was a baseball player. My mom was a volleyball player. So they would play correct softball. Oh, cool. Cool. Like all the time. We're talking like three games a week. And my babysitters at that time were my two uncles who were 10 years younger than me. And are 10 years older. Sorry. How does that work? 10 years older than me. And also 15 years older than me. So they were kids babysitting me. Like 13. 14, 15 year old. 14, 15 year old babysitting a little like, you know, four year old. Making the drinking money. No. I mean, you're not drinking at 14, 15. Oh, OK. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe you were. Not really. No, I wasn't at that time. But I wasn't a very girly girl because with my uncles, like my mom, for example, my mom would give them money for pizza when they were babysitting me. Right. And they would pocket it and make me mayonnaise on white bread sandwiches. Like literally, that's what they would feed me. Is me on white bread. So I wasn't a really prissy girl. I mean, my mom finally figured it out when she would make me dinner and all I'd want is mayonnaise on white bread. That just does not sound appetizing at all. I ate it all the way up until I was 20. Don't shake your head at me, Jenny. Mayonnaise? I can't. I know it was. People get disgusted probably by the amount of mayonnaise I use. You're right. You should be disgusted. No. Yeah. It's a very wholesome, traditional American meal. I recently. Started eating mayonnaise again. Well, like for a sandwich and whatnot. But my mom would put it in our, my sister and I, our hair so that it can be shiny. Oh, for conditioner? Yeah. And so we would have the stench of mayo. Oh no. For days. Like you can wash it off, but you still, it's a subtle smell. Mayo girl. And I could not eat mayo. Ever again? No, for the longest. And then Andy will make, he likes like the corn on the cob with. Oh, the elote with the mayo on it. Yeah. Yeah. So we started eating that and I was like, oh, it tastes good on your sandwich and whatnot. But the smell I'm not too fond of. My dad used Miracle Whip though. I should correct that. Which is even worse. That's like a sweet mayo. Sweeter mayo. Ugh, no. It kind of tasted like if they put sweet and low inside mayonnaise. Yeah. Yeah. It's disgusting. I'm making this so much better for myself. Everybody's like, Nikki, you're just gross. You're just so disgusting. Just a little bit. That's why like, I didn't really care too much about those things. And like, I, I, my parents, oh my God, my mom loves telling everybody this. When I was three years old, they were playing a softball game. My mom was in the outfield. My dad was at third base and my uncles were just playing, let me do whatever they want. And they look to the side and I'm naked in a water fountain. Like I completely stripped butt ass naked and was playing in a water fountain. Like it was a slip and slide. And everybody's like staring at this naked, like little streaker kid running around through the water. And the parents are like, whose child is that? And how old are you again? I was three. Oh, that's about that. Yeah. But the fact that both my parents were on the softball field and everybody's like, whose child is that? Just running amok. And my mom sees me from right field and throws down her glove and like runs off the field in the middle of the game to grab me. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. She grabbed me. I was just, I was such a tomboy. Or do you remember those, like, if you've ever been to like one of those playgrounds, they have those big metal slides. Yeah. Yeah. They were, which are literally like 15 feet high, like to the top of the ceiling. When you're a kid, that's huge to you. Right. And like, they used to have this bar on the top where you could kind of like flip over the bar and then slide down or do like tricks over the bar. Oh, see, we would just like use it to do a little swing and go faster down it. Right. Right. Right. But kids would get creative and they'd flip over it like somersault, like big kids. I'm talking like 10 and 12 year old big kids would do it. So when I was, when I was four, I was probably the same age, about three, almost turning four. I would see the big kids doing it, like flip over it. So once again, they're playing a softball game. My uncles are supposed to be watching me. I literally grabbed the top of the bar and forced my body over it and fell over the side of the slide. Like I was black and blue for a minute. But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, But, For weeks. So a lot more of your behavior now is being explained through falling on your head. Yeah, why I'm a glutton for punishment. Pretty much. Yeah. But that's the type of tomboy I was. I just, I wasn't scared of much. Like, if my parents put me in a dark room as punishment, I'd start laughing. So how long was it before your parents stopped letting your uncles babysit you? That wasn't a stop because when you're in a Latino family, you take free babysitting. You're not going to pay for the safety of your child. You will let family members watch your kids. Yeah, see, me and my brother tore through babysitters. What do you mean tore through babysitters? Up until we were about five or six, I think we had one or two babysitters that were repeats. Okay. Like, me and my brother used to lock them out of the house. Like, one of us would go outside and then the babysitter would follow. And then the other us would lock them out. And then lock all the other doors. Lock all the doors around the house. Okay. So she'd be outside. Yeah. So is this an old babysitter, though? Or was this like a kid? Well, you know, a teenager. A teenager. Girl or guy? Girls. I think we had, no, we never had a guy babysitter. Ever? No. Okay. Yeah, I guess that's pretty typical, right? Our reoccurring babysitter was the one whose hair we cut while she was watching us. You did what? You cut your babysitter's hair? Yeah. Yeah. Why would you do that, you demon baby? I don't know why we did it. We were like three or four. Why'd you run around naked in a puddle? Because it was hot. You're a dude. What are you doing wanting to cut hair at freaking five years old? That's another gender skew right there. Well, we don't know who cut it. We just remember it was one of the things that we did. I have a feeling it was Dave Swan that was holding the scissors. You were just exploring your career options for later in life, Dave. It's fine. I might have been holding the lunchbox. We're not sure who held which one. Wait, what was the lunchbox for? For some reason, we put it in a lunchbox. You put the hair in a lunchbox? Yeah. You were saving it? I don't know what we did with it afterwards. So this was some weird version of the craft for boys at like five or six? So Warcraft. World of Warcraft. I don't think they cut hair in World of Warcraft. There's got to be a barber position in the World of Warcraft. Was it like a hot babysitter? Were you just like saving her locks of hair? I really... Again, this is the... This is the mindset of a three-year-old or a five-year-old. I'm not sure what we were doing. I... I... But that's the thing. When I was three or four, I knew my motives. Oh, I have no idea. Anything that happened before high school, it's kind of like not here anymore. Really? Let's say before college. I was... I was a bad kid. There was a lot of drinking going on. I was a good kid for the most part. Just with babysitters, I was bad. Okay. No, I was... I was a holy terror. That's why my brother is eight years younger than me. Oh, see, Jeff is a year and a half younger than me. Yeah. Because you were a good child. And you're, you know, parents decide to have another one. My parents were scared to have another one. They didn't think they could handle another. Do you blame them? No, not at all. Like when I'd literally ask them why they waited so long to have my brother, they said, we didn't want another one of you. And I don't blame them. Like most... Most kids do normal things. You know, they have lemonade stands during the summer. I was running around the neighbor's houses and pulling the roses off their rose bushes and squishing them. Why would you do that? Because I was squishing them in water and putting them in Zik Blat bags to make perfume to sell. Because I was an entrepreneurial child. And how much did you sell? A lot, actually. My mom was like, you would come home with like 10 bucks. And I'm like, where the hell did she get 10 bucks from? But I would smell and my hands would be red from crushing flower petals in water. Squish, squish. I was an ingenious child, like pinky in the brain style. So I'm assuming you're the brain part, not pinky. Yes. Because I'm short. Yeah, let's go with that part. Oh, I was just... It was any way at that point. Once I knew what money was, I wanted to make it. Once grandma and grandpa give you like your first $5 or first dollar. Once the tooth fairy gives you a quarter, you're like, what is this? That was nice. How can I lose more teeth? I used to pull mine out. I got paid once by my uncle for giving him a back rub. See? This is why we have this show. Dave Swan giving back rubs and cutting hair. You were a masseuse and a hairstylist before you started middle school. That sounds about right. But you also like comic books. Yes, yes, I do. You really, really like comic books. Yes. So when did you get into comic books? I liked it when I was little, then I got out of them. And then I started liking them again when I moved out here. I was like, oh, all right. I don't really have to hide this from anyone. This is what I like to read. Well, because there's a lot of people out here in LA that like comic books. It's kind of nice seeing people who actually share the same interest and stuff. Right. But the thing is, most people think comic books are such a nerdy thing. Right. But the pictures in them and the portrayals are really, really actually very sexual and very adult. Right? Yeah, just a little bit. It would be like porn for a child. If you couldn't look at a porn magazine, you just look at a comic book. They have a mature rating. They have a mature rating on them. The ones that have that stuff. Even the ones that don't have mature ratings, though. I mean, you're not reaching Archie. You're talking about like Wonder Woman. Yeah. You're not reaching Archie and Jughead and Popeye. Like, you're looking at Spider-Man and X-Men. And even those characters, even though it's not an X-rated thing, they have like pictures of chicks with boobs. Yes, they do. You know what I mean? Those things get people into trouble. What does? Boobs. Boobs get people in. Oh, that's right. Dave has come up with a new term. It's comedy. What is it? Titmatized. Titmatized. Explain titmatized. It's when you're talking to a girl and then she just shows off and you get distracted by her boobs. But what actually physically happens to you? You stop paying attention to logic. Like, do you get hot? Do you get nervous? No, you're just like, oh, okay. You say we should do that? We should do that. So you just listen? No, I don't really say listen. I just say become very obedient. Very obedient. It's kind of like when you ever, have you ever seen a hypnotist? On TV. All right. So, you know, they're like, oh, when I clap my hands, you do this. When I do this and here's the word that'll snap you out of it. So it's Simon Says with Tatas. That's the one. Basically. How big do they have to be to get a guy to pay attention like that? Not really. They just have to be on display. They could be A's on display? Well, they have to be able to be on display. Okay. I'm awful with sizes. I have no idea what size is. Yes, you do. No. No clue. Really? Yeah. No clue. So the last girl that you had sex with, you couldn't tell the difference if it was a B or a D? I don't know. You've seen her. Like, I'm a girl and I don't really have a good idea of size. I know my size. Like, I know I'm a small B. And you're mad at me for not knowing sizes. No. But you're a dude. You're supposed to know. You don't have to know. You just have to know. Those look like I like them. No, because most guys say a handful is about a B. Oh, I just say a handful is all you need. Okay. Because, like, mine are small Bs. I think Jenny's are probably, like, full Cs, close to Ds. Am I way off, Jen? Cs. See? I said full Cs. Full Cs. As long as they're lifted up and perky, I think that's what matters. Yeah. Yeah. Push-up bras were invented that way. By a hypnotist, you said. Exactly. Push-up bras are invented by a hypnotist. By a hypnotist. Yes. Or someone who just went to a hypnotist show. Okay. Yes. I have no idea what you're talking about with hypnotists inventing bras. Push-up bras. Push-up bras. Because it makes them go up together. So people are like, oh, okay. So you can tell the difference between someone wearing just a regular underwire and a push-up bra? Not really. It's just, I think men just like the word push up. Anything pushed up. And together. And together. And together. It's like gravity. It's like gravity? That's the opposite way. Sorry. Magnets. It's like magnets. Me and Jenny both looked at him like, it's like gravity? No. Yeah. We're not talking about this anymore. No. I just, that's how I knew I was getting older. Like really. No, no, no. Honestly, because I was always those types of people that was like, yeah, I think I look really good for my age. Like, I think I could get away with pulling off. Like mid twenties to like my mid thirties. And I really felt kind of invincible. And it's not like I had some like crazy Jennifer Aniston, like food diet regimen or anything like that. No, you don't. No, I don't. You shovel food into your mouth. Yes, I do. But the way I knew that I was finally getting older because I wasn't getting gray hair is I stopped getting my haircut because it wasn't really growing. Like I really thought my hair wasn't growing. I really did. I thought my hair wasn't growing. And then I realized my tits were just getting lower. So it looked like they weren't growing because I was like, well, they were covering my nipples at one point. Now they're not. I really did. I really honestly like went to a hairstylist. I was like, I don't think my hair is growing. Nikki, when I pulled when you were here last time, it was a foot. It's a foot and a half now. Oh, I that's the sad thing. You know how people like measure weight loss. I was measuring hair growth. I was like, it's getting longer, but it's still at the same. I'm like, it's not getting. They're getting longer. Now the boobs are getting longer. Swing low. Sweet. You're such a jerk. That was the bad thing about softball that I like was so scared about because everybody said, yeah, if you work out and you go running a lot and you're wearing a sports bra, it's going to take the elasticity out of your boobs. So eventually when you get older and you start losing muscle tone, they're going to start sagging. I've never had this conversation. So I'll take your word for it. It's a softball player thing. And that's why I played softball. What else is a softball player thing, Nikki? Being a lesbian. So how's that working for you? I've never been. I've never tried and I never will. I'm probably one of the only girls in history that has never tried to be with a girl. I've never even kissed a girl. Really? No. Nope. I could see that. Nope. Nope. Nope. Deflecting. I like penis too much. Sorry. Sorry, mom. I don't know. I don't know why I'm apologizing to my mother. She's probably very proud of that. I would think that she'd be on board with that. Yeah. She's probably very proud of the fact that I don't like vagina. She's like, yes, we're so much closer to get a grandkid now. No. My mom was always like really, really scared that I would be into girls, I think, though. Because when I was in middle school, I used to wear like all black to cover my curves. Because I was scared of having boobs. Like I literally, literally. Isn't that what all girls want to have? When they're in middle school? Usually. Except for you, Nikki. Yep. It was gross. I didn't want to be like that. I don't know. I saw these like really super curvy girls and I associated like big tits and stuff like that with like being a ditz, you know? Oh, you're hot. I really, really, really thought that made you ditzy was being like super girly and whatnot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of the way. You're wearing pants. No, but like, okay, here's the thing. If you're wearing a kilt, then it's pendulum. No, like when you're a boy, it's already there. Like it's there. You know you've got it. When you're a girl, you start off flat chested. And then all of a sudden they just start expanding and then growing and then sagging. Well, so does ours. Right, but at least you know they're there. We don't have anything at first. But we have nothing to control what it's doing. It's just like, oh, I'm in the middle of class right now. Right. Yours moves. That's not what I'm talking about moving. I'm talking about like knowing that there's a difference between girls that have really big, nice ones. And the fact that you could possibly end up with some really ugly looking ones. You know what I mean? Sorry, I'm demonstrating. The exercise. Jenny was showing me the boob lift exercise. Yeah, you gotta work on, yeah, just perk them up that way. Grab the forearms. Is that really? Like somebody told me you go like this and you like. Yeah. I mean, even the, what is the, I don't know what this thing is called. The lateral. Yeah, whatever that is. But these work, yeah, when you're at night. Flies. Laying down or something, just, you know, sorry. Like just lift the boobies, huh? Yeah. Just lift the boobies. God. I'm so damn hot. Oh my God. Milk was a bad choice. Abby, shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck. Oh my God. Ugh. I just, I was really scared of tits. Okay. There's more? Yeah, there's more. He's, I'm, what's funny is I'm the one running the sound bites right here right now. Like I finally found a good site. And as soon as I start running sound bites, now he's running sound bites. Typical man. Just can't give a girl the job. You tell your king that William Wallace will not be ruled. See, at least my sound bites apply to what we're talking about. I don't know what these apply to. You tell your king. No, I don't want you to play again. Oh my goodness gracious. No, but so basically my mom. I think I might've found the one from his radio. Yeah. Rob's Rants. Oh, that was Rob's segment. There's a couple on here. He just wants to put salt in wounds right now. I did not mean to hit that again. I was hitting the karaoke. Then stop touching things. I can't make that promise. Oh my God. Typical man. Just can't stop touching the buttons. Oh my gosh. See, at least we try to touch the button. All right. God, it's typical. Yeah. You're just, you're just a man. Well, I'm aware. I have all the equipment that verifies it. Yes, you do. That's for sure. Oh, Dave Swan. Men and their button pushing. I swear. So I feel we actually had something we were going to talk about today. That's what we were getting to. Which were your button pushing. Well, first of all, we were talking about the fact that men really like comic books. Dave. Is one that does like comic books. And since we're comics, we wanted to have a little discussion about what comic superhero would you be if you could be a superhero comic book character? What would your superpowers be? And what would your name be? I want to say something. What would your comic book character be, Dave? Well, I already got the last name Swan. So I think that would just be appropriate. But there is nothing graceful about it. Okay. Hmm. The Swan? That's not a very manly comic book character, the Swan. Hey. Unless you're Ryan Gosling. You know what? Every little Gosling wants to grow up to be a beautiful Swan, all right? I think every ugly duckling wants to grow up to be Gosling. That might have been what we originally said. I go with the bull. I like to run into things. The bull? Yeah. Pretty much juggernaut-like. I like to run into superpowers. Just be able to plow through things. Okay. And you, Nikki. Just, no, no, no. We're not done. You can't move on to me yet. No way. No, no, no. The human torch is denied a bank loan. What would your superpowers be? I told you. Run into things and run through. That's not a superpower. You can run into things right now. It doesn't mean you'll go through them. Well, run into and run through. For what purpose? To get shit out of my way. These are very logical male reasons for wanting to be a superhero bull. I did not say I wanted to be. I just said that's what it would probably end up being. No, what would you want? Oh, what would I want? If you could be any superhero, what would your powers be? And what would your cool superhero name be? Not invisibility. That's stupid. Flight. Let's go with invulnerability. That'd be fun. What man is vulnerable to begin with? I said invulnerability. I know. You don't already have that, I thought. Men already have an invulnerability to them. No. No, we just don't have feelings. Okay. We're vulnerable like if you cut us. I mean like, you know, get hit a couple times. You'll be fine. It jumped up a notch. It did, didn't it? You know every time you do that, it makes me want to hit buttons, right? Nope. You're not allowed to. You are not allowed to hit the buttons. There is no morality left in this world. Stop. I was kind of just curious where that one was. Oh my gosh. Okay. So no invisibility, no flight. I said invulnerability. Okay. That's one superpower. And regeneration. Let's just say Wolverine powers. I want the Wolverine package. Man, I really thought you were going to be so much more creative with this. No, it's simple. It's all you need. If you get hurt, it heals real fast. If you get hurt, it heals really fast. Yeah. What would you hurt? I don't know. If I was saving things, I'd probably hurt a lot of things. This is such a nail-biting response. If I was saving things, I'd probably hurt a lot of things. And none of my things would just heal really fast. Yeah, it's simple. A female needs to explain why. I'm telling you. Here's later. A doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48. At the moment, that might be valid. So the bull. Okay. We got a bull. All right. And you, Nikki. We have two and a half minutes left here. I think I'd have to come up with a really cool name. I don't know. I don't think the Black Widow is really going to score me any points for the guys. Well, but honesty is the best policy. I don't know. I'm good with puns. Like, I'd probably be the pun-isher. I don't know. I don't know. Something cool. But I know. So, superpower-wise, number one, I would want cool superpowers. I would want to be able to, like, smell a guy's bullshit from, like, two miles away. That would be a good one. So, in general, female power is being able to smell a guy's bullshit. Yeah. Definitely want to smell. That is such a chick answer. You know that, right? I'm a chick, so that's allowed. The ability to block out menstrual cramps. That would be a great one. That's not really a power. That's just a convenience. No. I'd want to have the sixth sense to know when my mom's going to call me before she calls me. That would be one that I'd want. I can see that one. I would want the power to make a guy need to orgasm me every time we have sex. Like, he cannot go to bed until he's finished. Like, literally hold him in, like, a bubble. But what if he just can't finish? No. No, I don't. I mean, what if he... Finishing is not the problem. I mean, he can't go to bed until I'm finished. That's what I'm saying. What if he just can't get you there no matter how hard he tries? Oh, he can get me there. I didn't say it had to be through traditional sexual methods. But he can get me there. So, are you going to have Blame It On Ginger bring you a toy in? Is that what you're trying to say? No. It could be manual, oral, whatever. He cannot go to bed. I'm saying if he's just fumbling around and just doesn't... Can't even get you there no matter what. No. Um... That's... That's... That I've never dealt with. Not to the point where I need a toy. And I'm... Like I said, I'm very unselfish with stuff like that. I'll just go to bed. I'm the type of person that's like, eh, it's fine. I'm tired. So, what you're saying is you want to actually be able to make someone do it instead... Make yourself or someone do it. Maybe my superpower would just need to be the ability to instantaneously orgasm just to get it over with. Be like... Bop. That would be a good one. I think that would be a good one. What would be another good one? Gonna find my... My baby gonna hold her tight. Gonna grab some afternoon... To sing like Ron Burgundy. My motto's always been when it's right, it's right... I would definitely want to sing like Ron Burgundy. Like a lady. Like a lady. Um... You got two seconds on the clock. Two seconds. I want everything. I want the world. Okay. Okay. So, we're gonna take a quick little break and regroup. Just kidding. From the comic book issues right now. So, we have a person that wants the ability to smell bullshit and one that wants to be a bull with bullshit. That's kind of weird. Well, yeah. Obviously, bulls use bullshit when they're relieving themselves. I don't even know where I'm going with this one. I should probably stop. All right. Moving on. We got your comic book character, Dave. I think we're gonna have to start drawing up some storyboards. The bull. The bull. What would be your first adventure? Ooh. Could I be like an Indiana Jones-like adventuring superhero? Yeah. That's why I wanted you to be like creative. I'm going with Indiana Jones. All right. My first adventure would be to hunt down a Nazi submarine. Okay. I don't know why I'm going underwater. That's really counterproductive to being able to run through stuff. Oh, but you're still the bull? Yeah. This makes no sense. I didn't say it does. We're talking about a comic book. I'm not the type of character right now that I'm being. A bull underwater. Yeah. Okay. Like a bull in a China shop. Correction. Not hunting down a Nazi submarine. Hunting down a Japanese submarine in World War II. Then it can be closer to a bull in a China shop. Oh, my God. You're like a historical reference superhero. That's already making my brain hurt. You're a woman. It's easy to do that. You already have so many adventures, though. Like, we're gonna start writing the adventure book, The Adventures of Swan. Okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Drunk Dave's adventures or are we talking about other adventures? They're both pretty, pretty damn entertaining. Just because I jumped out of a moving vehicle at the Kentucky Derby. He did do that. And told everyone I'm going now. Yes, he did do that. Only men would jump out of a moving vehicle. The guy driving was drunk, so I was being responsible and not being in the car with him. Yeah, but you have a lot of adventures when it comes to like women with your text messages and stuff like that. Like texts you receive and you deal with a lot of drama through text messaging. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Well, that's why we came up with this next segment, which is called Lost in Textlation. Where I think some of the most misinterpreted things in relationships, whether it's between your friends, your parents, the people that you hang out with, a lot of it has to do. It has to do with text messaging. Correct. And a lot of people say that the misinterpretations in text messages is for the fact that women are women and men are men. Men are really simplistic. And women are really complicated. Yes. So right now we're each going to pull up a text. Dave will go first and pull up a text. This is even going from our comic book characters. Yeah. Because mine was very simple and yours was smell bullshit. Very complicated. All right. So I really want to do that one. We're not going to do that one. Yeah. This is what we're going to end with is Dave telling us the text message. Why can't you tell us the text message? Because we have two minutes. And this is the perfect thing to end on because you get more text messages than I do from women. Trying to figure out which one. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Jesus, Dave. Well, Jack, here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning, I piss excellence. Hey, I reset my phone and suddenly had multiple voice messages, including from you. Thanks. How was your fourth? Wait, repeat that? Hey, I reset my phone and suddenly had multiple text voicemails, including one from you. Thanks. How was your fourth? That was from a girl. Yes. I reset my voicemail and had multiple messages. Yeah. Including you. Including you. Yeah. Have a good fourth. Mm-hmm. I would take that as a girl just saying, by the way, this is why I didn't get your voicemail. Oh, yeah. I stopped wondering after that point. I was like, oh, that's weird. So you actually were wondering why she didn't call you back. No, I just didn't really care at that point. No. I think the only confusing thing as a girl would be why she wrote, I had several voice messages. Yeah. Including yours. Like she had to let you know that she was desirable. Yeah. That she had all those voicemails. Yeah. So I was at the bar the other day. I'm like, I'm good after this. Well, hopefully you'll get to talk more about her next week. But that is our time for today. This was our intro show. It was a little rough, a little messy. Next week, we'll have a couple of special guests for you. Say goodbye, Dave. Bye, Dave. Oh, no. Bye, Nikki. Bye. Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. Lawyer Kat. Yes, I can. Lawyer Kat. Yes, I can. Lawyer Kat. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Skid Row Studios, it's the happiest place to be. Skid Row Studios. Fuck you, FCC. Fuck you, FCC.