Koala pee, fake cancer, and porta-potty pervert

Welcome, everybody, to a whole new episode of Bad Advice. Bad Advice, the show where the advice is free and worth every penny. Be sure to like us on Facebook. Join us on that page. You can also call us while the show is on. And you can reach us here at Skid Row Studios. The number here is 800-893-9562. We just have one of our members joining us now. As always, I'm joined by a panel of very funny individuals. Adam Richman is just walking in right now. We also have the very funny Sal Rodriguez here. As always, I am joined by Kenneth August. And in the corner over there, a very funny man, well-known in the world of the Internet, Mr. Jason Rohrabacher. What up, what up? Hey! What's happening, Adam? What's up, buddy? Thank you for coming in. Hey, thanks for having me. Hey, it's a pleasure. Good thing I figured out it was Olive downtown. Now I'm not in Burbank, huh? Oh, good Lord. Well, Adam... He's in Olive in Phoenix, and he's like, where is this place? I'm actually in an olive. I went to Olive Garden first. I see. You guys are right on my page. I love you guys. All right. All right. Well, I'm glad we're all here. We're still waiting on one more person. He's apparently out there lost in the wild. Oh, he's coming. I saw him outside. Oh, is he? Yeah, he's here. Oh, nice. You guys drink a beer already? Come on. Oh, yeah. It's weird that I've already done nine lines of cocaine. There he is. All right. Come on in. That's a good picture. Wait a second. What's the rules here? Can we say whatever we want? Oh, yeah. This is bad advice. We say whatever we want, whenever we want. Bad advice or good advice? No, no. It's bad advice. Look at the name of the show. Bad advice? Bad advice. Bad advice, Drew. You should ask her out. I don't know. See that? See that? Your cousin. That's just hurtful advice. Well, that was really general. He applied his own meaning to it. That's what's funny about it. He's like, yeah. That's bad advice for her. There's no doubt about it. All right. Well, here on Bad Advice, we do two things. We take real news stories from around the world, people that I feel need advice but haven't asked. And then we also have our viewer questions where they either submit them on Facebook, they text them to me, or we do get those live calls. And again, our number here, if you want to call in live, is 800-893-9562. Okay. Do we take smoke signals? Do we take? No smoke signals. No smoke signals. Okay. So don't sign smoke signals. I do have a following. I prefer Morse code. Messages and bottles. I have a following in Inuit. What about the international callers? Do they have to dial a 01 or something like that? I'm Morse calling. Do you find out when we get one? International callers. First of all, you're implying I like foreigners. Now, that being said, no, they can use the Facebook page. Did I just say I don't like foreigners to someone with the last name Rodriguez? Yes, you did. He was a foreigner. He's not anymore. Right. I've become emaciated, emancipated. Listen, you stay over here. You're in trouble. All right, look. Here's our first story of the day, okay? Our first story is about a man named Steven Egan. Steven Egan had a bit of a problem. He lives in Florida, and that's not his only problem. Steven apparently shot his girlfriend when he mistook her for a wild hog. And really, some of the girls I've dated, I can see where the mistake was made. If I had a nickel, he better have killed her. Because if he's coming with the excuse, I thought she was a wild hog fucking killer at that point. Wait, I'm just confused. What are the details of the story? Like, she was outside? Like, what he... Was she in the bedroom? He's like, oh, no! She's in the bed! There she is! Bam! Bam! Bam! She's coming right for us! Did she have a bed? Yeah. I believe they were at the dinner table. In his defense, the bacon was fantastic. Normally, he just confuses her for a hog. I think he was quoted as saying, swine is devoured as he shot her in the face. Exactly. No, the details, that's the funny thing. They don't really go into the details of the story, but they were out camping. Now there's a little bit more to it. Well, I just think it is. Now, okay. Now she's a wild hog. Yeah, why are you camping in the wild hog? In the forest, he thought there was actually just a pig, just a swine hanging out in the forest. Wearing a dress. A luster was. And nagging him. He actually shot the wild pig because it was nagging him. Yeah. We've all been there. I like that the whole article should be like, he shot her, it was dark, he was confused. They were out in the... He was in the canoe in the middle of the lake. She's like, damn you, what are you doing here? But just because he said he thought she was a wild pig didn't mean he thought she was an animal by any stretch. This is true. He could have just been describing her sexually. Some still are, by the way. Oh, no, we were at bottle service, a douche club, and she was a wild pig. Well, I think the best advice for our friend here, Stephen, is seriously, date better looking women. This can also be seen on the new video series, Girls Gone Wild Pig. All right. Well, now that we're on the subject of wild animals, we have our next story. This is one I actually love. That's not a great segue. I was just going to say, maybe he thought she was in the movie Wild Hot. Is that too late? I'd shoot her. They should have shot everyone in that movie. I was going to say, doesn't make it shoot more. And that's why I was like, damn you for working with Tim Allen. You guys are all familiar with the teen boy band, the new Hot Sensation One Direction? Yes. Yeah, well, check this out. While on tour in Australia and New Zealand, they went to Australia, they went to Australia, they went to Australia, they went to a zoo. And apparently, two of the members of One Direction were peed on by a baby koala. Did they have to pay extra for that? I do. I would think the koala should, you know. But here's the thing. The worry, the fear here, is you can catch chlamydia, apparently, if you are peed on by a koala. Back to the, if I had a nickel every time. Yeah, right? That's the only way I've ever gotten chlamydia. You know, it can also be- That's the only way? Yeah, I've never gotten chlamydia. You can also be tested, you can also be found heroin in your body when you eat a poppy seed bagel, so. Yeah, but that's a little easier to explain. Listen, I think you could pay extra for that. How much to get a koala to piss on you at the zoo? I shared a poppy seed bagel with a koala, Your Honor. And that's why I'm addicted to heroin. What these koalas don't know is that you can go get free STD testing out of the closet. Totally valid. Do they, okay, all they have to do is come to LA? All they have to do is come to LA. Because our koala is out the door. The line of koalas on the weekend is out the door. Also, what were they disappointed? Maybe the pee was good. Do the koalas eat asparagus? Well, mine- Then it's different. I heard it tasted delicious. Go ahead. What was it about that? It tasted delicious from what I understood. The pee or the koala? Yes. Okay. Well, here's the thing. If I'm going to give advice here, though, it's to the koala. You can do better. Koalas are known for taking advice, by the way. Seriously, if you're going to pee on a music group, you can do better than One Direction. Maybe they saw the chimpanzees throw poop and were jealous. Like, we can get- Get in on this. What kind of horror movie do koalas- What can I project out? Oh, no, you can pee very hard, koala Bill. Aren't koalas super high, too? Isn't that the only animal- The nerd in me wants to find out why all the koalas have the clap. Wow. We're sluts. Wait, Ron, the nerd in you, you mean you? Yeah. See, now, it's stories like this, that's why I only fuck pandas. Understandably so. Well, yeah. You take what you can get, man. You can get what you can get, man. You can get what you can get, man. You can get what you can get, man. I only bang girls that work at Panda Express. Oh, I hadn't considered that. That has nothing to do with nothing. I just thought it was a great line. No, but I never understood- The nerd in me. Sorry. Why do they name Panda Express Express after one of the slowest animals on Earth? That's what I never understood. You know what's made with real panda? Sloth Express was already taken. Wait, I want to talk about these koalas for a second. Is someone- At the end of the article, was someone pissed off? Were they suing the zoo? They were very fearful because they had to go for testing. All these kids in one direction, were like, oh my God, there's a good chance I have chlamydia and it's because- So you're saying some tourist saw a famous band running out, seemingly shocked, covered in urine, claiming, I think I have chlamydia. That's an awesome day at the zoo, by the way. That's an awesome day at the zoo. That's worth the price of chlamydia. If I can get the koala to do anything for me, seriously, you should really pee all over like- Creed? What are those kids? Creed. What's the brothers? Jonas Brothers? The Jonas Brothers. If it was me and that was- If it was me and that was balls peeing me, I'd just be singing the Golden Girls theme song. Thank you for peeing, my friend. The hardest part is getting the triple dollar bill. That's because chlamydia would be the least of your worries. Bring it on, baby. Oh, Blanche, how's the water? It's great, Dorothy. For those that don't know him, I love Adam to death, but seriously, chlamydia is a step up. That would probably cure half the things going on in his body. Chlamydia didn't even make my list of things to worry about. This conversation's taking a turn. That's why you guys know, if I had a nickel for every fat chick I've been with, I'd have $1.45. All right. Can you just tell us real quick how- We're going to be doing math. We're going to be doing math for the rest of the show. Ron pulled out a calculator. Holy shit. That's a lot. That's a lot of fat chicks. That's a lot of fat chicks. Can you tell us how they were peed on? Were they standing under a tree? How did this happen? They were at the zoo holding the baby. Oh, they're holding koalas? I can answer this question, by the way. The actual koala was making a urine sample for the doctor and threw it in their face as they- The koala was going for a job? No, he was just getting a pee test. I love how we love to humanize animals. Yeah. The koala was smoking a joint like, I can piss on them. All right. Well, next story. I love this one. Philippe Croisan. This is- My cousin. He's a French endurance athlete. Named after a croissant. Yes. But isn't everyone in France? Sure. Okay. That is the major last name there. Here's the thing. Philippe is a French endurance athlete who is limbless. And what he is attempting to do is he wants to swim around the world. Well, naturally. Should we call him Bob? Hello! Truly Places Jokes 1984 callback. I know, right? That's like the oldest joke. Swim or float or be dragged. Probably. But when we say limbless, are we talking like- No arms and no legs. He doesn't have thighs? I know. His penis is a rotor. Is that kind of what it is? Yeah. You have to respect that. That's nice. That is good. He's got thighs and like these. He's just missing- This is a nice- I'm going to tell you, I like the Paralympics. It's kind of hard to have a- Paralympics. It's kind of hard to have endurance if you- You ever seen the Paralympics though, Ron? It's easy to have endurance. I've seen the Paralympics. I think they're awesome. Yeah. It's fun to watch. This is good. But you know why they're good? They're good because I like watching it because I don't mind when the athletes wipe out. I know. What's the worst that's going to happen? They always bounce back like, I'm okay! I'm okay! Oh, don't groan, guys. You never hear a guy going, my legs! My legs! I can't- Oh, no, wait, wait. That happened in 96. I'm good. No, I- You lost the leg. The way he's able to do this is they fasten- And to me, now, does this make it cheating? Because he fastens like little flippers to- Is it like a little merman outfit? I'm assuming they were made by Morgan Freeman. He looks like a merman. I think it'd be great if you just put like a big engine on him and some guy's riding him like- I think this guy qualifies for some sort of Tony Stark costume to help him with his swimming. Actually, how about this? How about this? No, dude. No. You don't have arms. You don't have legs. You know what you can't do? You swim. Swim. That would be good. How about that? How about you find something you're qualified for? You know what you should be? How about- At the same time, isn't it kind of hard to give shit to a guy who has no arms or legs? Yeah. A little bit. What are you doing? Tell him what he's going to do? Fight you? Not for Adam, obviously. What's he going to do? Rule around? In the fish kingdom, like to a shark. You think they look at that and it's just like a Ritz cracker? Hey, wait a second. A shark. Fish have no arms or legs either, and they swim. I just also want to say that I don't even mind- I could say whatever derogatory thing I want about this guy because what's going to happen? He's going to come here and beat me up? You know what? I think I could take him. He's going to roll up on you? When was the last time you swam around the world? I wouldn't fuck with the- It looks a little like meat wad from- I know this is radio. People can't see what I'm doing, but check this out. Look at that. Look at these arms. He could just hook swords to his arms. When you say this guy wants to swim, he has no arms and no legs, and then you start the next question with, is it cheating? Yes. The answer is yes. Unless it's a bobbing contest, yes. You know how- This is amazing, though. You know how he lost his limbs? Swimming? He was electric. He was bitten by four sharks at the same time. That's why he's going. He's looking for that son of a bitch. It was the most ironic swimming. Lost a fight with Aaron. He lost his limbs when he was electrocuted while changing a TV antenna on his roof. And he lost all four. What was he doing? Hugging it with his feet, too? I'm not sure how that works. It must have been just like the sharks, four volts of electricity. This guy was a loser before he was limbless. Yeah, because clearly he was- Clearly he didn't flip off of his circuit breakers. But his reception now is- And you know what he can't do? His TV reception now is February, by the way. But you can clap for it. It is. Amazing TV reception. Yeah, that's the exact same. So this guy, for some reason, goes up to fix his antenna, says, let me get my hands and feet all on it at the same time, gets electrocuted, loses all his limbs, wakes up, and says, I need to swim. Yeah. I got one more for this guy. Maybe he was training men, because it would make sense. You figure, you know, your hands go. Well, because you're touching the antenna. Maybe he was, in fact, standing in water. He was swimming. Which makes total sense to change an antenna. I got one word of advice for this guy. Cable. You know, all this stuff is like, I literally went to see- Cable TV. And a boat. I went to see a hockey game in Phoenix, and there was a security guard in a wheelchair. And I was like, you know what? Just come on, dude. Just at some point, you just gotta admit- Oh, he will roll you down. He will roll you down. Some things aren't right for you anymore. And run you over. Yeah, that's it. Well, isn't he limited as to, like, what kind of security? I have him. The suspect's escaping. I'm on him. He's outside section 119. I'm on him. Shit, I've lost him. He's gone downstairs. Either that or uphill. That's what I'm saying. Like, you just can't do it. So this guy, it's like at some point, someone's gotta say, listen, we appreciate what you're doing. We love your heart and your spirit, but you don't have any arms. We love your heart and your spirit, but that seems to be 89% of you. But wait, he can swim now, right? He can swim. I like the motor thing on him. Right? It reminds me of a very old joke. Do you guys know the one where the guy with no arms and no legs goes down to the Olympics and he's like- And he wants to be on the swim team? And when, you know, like, well, you know, it's the Special Olympics. Everybody's allowed. So he, when the gun goes off, they all jump in the water and they're all giving their best. But the guy with no arms and no legs just sinks to the bottom. But they're like, well, give him a chance. He said he could do it. So finally, after a minute, they're like, oh, we gotta help him. So they jump in, pull him out, and he's coughing up water. I'm like, what happened? You said you could do this. Damn it. A cramp. You know, it's like telling a guy with no arms he can play wide receiver in the NFL. Jim Abbott. As the football- Jim Abbott. I'm open. No, I'm not going to throw that. There was an armless, if you guys remember about a year ago or a year or two ago, there was a story about an armless MMA fighter whose dream was to be an MMA fighter, fight in the cage, no arms. Yeah, but creeping out the other fighters, that was part of your strategy at that point. That's a guy I would fight, though. Give him the old stub rub. I would fight him. Like, if I had to fight an MMA fighter, I would want it to be the guy with no arms. That's the only person you would fight. Yes. The first time I ever fought, somebody had to fight a girl, and that's pretty much like fighting someone. No arms. And he lost. But did you win or lose? That's exactly- Strangely enough, I won. You were such a- She was also three, but she was asking for it. Oh, he has no arms, but he can shoot lasers out of his eyes. Freaking laser beam. Freaking lasers, man. Okay, on to our next story. Now, this story was too good. Why don't we go on? No, you're an hour on this one? No, you don't know, I want the guy with no arms to fight that pissing koala. That's what I want. How did he get plebidium? All right, we have Mark. Okay, moving on, kids. You have no arms, no legs, and chlamydia? You are useless. See, finally he can catch something. Okay, go ahead. All right, we're moving on. Mark Olaszewski. Okay, this man had dumped his girlfriend who was a dentist. Here's the fun part. Mark apparently, age 45, had a toothache. So, thinking everything was fine, he made an appointment with the woman he had broken up with. Ooh. Who proceeded to- Who? Put him under sedation, and while he was knocked out, removed every one of his teeth. Maybe she wasn't sure which one it was. No. Maybe they were all that bad. I know it was in this region somewhere. It was in the region of his face. What's funny is, in this world, if you write that story and everyone's like, ooh, you're a wild, poor woman, like, you can do that. If a guy did that, it'd be like, men are disgusting and evil to women. Like, they'd be just yelling at you. But somehow, in this world, it's like, except, oh, ha, ha, ha, she got him. No, it's a slap on the wrist Lorena Bobbitt thing. Yeah. See, but- Just like Jay Leno makes fun of the guy- I could justify it the other way around, though. Yeah. Because, I mean, look, if you're the guy, you're going, look, she should thank me. She'll be better at giving head. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There is that. Ooh, toothy. Although, who? Who what? Do you guys ever let a chick with no teeth? No, not anymore. Wait, wait. Not since I got off crack. She took out his teeth. Not since grandma passed away. She took out his teeth. Is he sucking dick? Is that what she's doing? He is now. Well, that's what I'm saying. Here's the great part. This story ends with he got doubly screwed on this one because after his ex removed all his teeth, his now current girlfriend broke up with him because he had no teeth. Wait, can we just be realistic about this? Just be realistic. She cannot, like, doesn't she go to jail for that? Yes. She doesn't say. This is not a crime that you can actually blame on anybody else. You can't be like, oh, someone broke in and stole all your fucking teeth. And then she has to give him a fake. She assaulted me. She did something like against professional code. She put you under drugs and took out your, that's, you got to go to jail. It's jail. It's jail time. Well, here's, they do quote both her and him for their defense and reaction. He said, thank you, sir. Actually, his quote was, I couldn't fucking believe it. The bitch had emptied my mouth. And here's her defense. I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions. But when I saw him just lying there, I thought, what a bastard. I'll take all his teeth out. Three out of four dentists recommend removing your ex's teeth. We Google this and find out if this bitch is in prison because fuck her. Fuck her. I don't care what he's done. It doesn't justify. He broke up with her. She's a loser. Get out of my life. And he's stupid for going there. She just moved ahead of Kony as who we should capture, by the way. That bitch needs to go down. Tooth lady is outrageous. Don't you think we live in a world where you're not allowed to make fun? Like you say something about, oh, I cut off her nipple. I'll be like, oh, call the women's union. Kill this guy. What an asshole. She's like, yeah, I cut off his penis. What? Sorry. Good job. Those men deserve it. Oh, you cut off his penis. Amazing, Sheila. She only faces up to three years in prison. Because she didn't kill him. Well, at least she's facing. Three years. That's it. Up to three years. It was like one month. There was no specific. And his final statement on the matter, he plans on saving money to get indents or something. Well, that's what I was saying. She should be required to get to put his teeth in or get a dentist. I was going to say, really? You want to go? You want to go back to her? Like, listen, we should make this right. She woke up. There was a foot in my mouth. And she was singing Little Shop of Horrors. You'll be a saint. So creepy. The judge did call this a whitening collar crime. There's the joke. There we go. And on that, we move on. That was a cold gay joke. Did you guys see this one on the news? This was all over the internet. This happened in New York, out in Long Island. Debbie Stevens was a 47-year-old divorced mother of two. She apparently donated her kidney to her boss, who was in need. And as soon as this woman recovered, she fired her. I'm looking at a picture of her now. She's actually Sarah Palin hot. Does that mean hot but really stupid? Is that what that means? Yes. Okay. Was she the opposite of the librarian look? Why is this girl such a raging cunt? Yeah. No, wait. Her boss is a guy. No. Or her boss is a female. No, her boss is another woman. So she donated the kidney to her boss. The boss fired her. Yes. After she recovered. And now, but here's the thing. Because she was late for work. The kidneys didn't actually match. The kidneys were not an exact match. So what the hospital said is, all right, if you give your kidney to someone else that needs it, we'll move her up on the list. But now, so they did this. But then once the woman got fired, she's now saying she wants her kidney back. Oh, yeah. Now, that's what's amazing. Well, yeah. But the problem is she only... Somebody will pass it. She gave the kidney to get a promotion, though. That was what it doesn't say. No. I don't think so. She didn't get a promotion. My advice would be simple, though. And I don't even know if this qualifies as bad advice. I think if you're going to give up your kidney to your boss, put something in writing to keep your goddamn job. Like, oh, well, that was... That didn't work out. What did she think? Oh, you fired me. I want my kidney back. I just find these are dumb people working for other dumb people. I've got two employees right now. As soon as I get a liver, they're fired. It's basically a miracle. I mean, that's... Yeah. They have a company. If they're both... That's stupid. Well, clearly, she should have given her the heart transplant. Hold on. One person may not be that stupid. They got to fire a person and got a kidney out of the deal. That's a good point. See, my advice is sell your kidney. Because that way, if it doesn't work out, at least you still have the money. That's right. I have mine on eBay right now. You've got a Honda Accord. What are kidneys going for these days? Costco, you get six of them. I've got a kidney stone. $49.99. You don't need that. Adam, you can't give your kidney to anybody. It's got to work. No, I can't give my lung. Your kidney has chlamydia from that. Koala bear. I've got a huge... It's pretty much hard, though. Yeah, this woman didn't even wait a lot of time. Four weeks after she donated the kidney, the woman fired her. Yeah, well, you're going to wait one pay cycle, and then you're going to dump them. Can we also talk about maybe this girl's just completely useless at her job? Right, yeah. You're saying she thought she had job security? Like, I gave this bitch a kidney. I'm just going to slap her. I'm taking an hour and a half lunch. I'm taking an hour and a half job that she was like, I have to give a kidney to keep my job. And it still didn't work. Yeah. That would be the best firing conversation I've ever heard, by the way. God, yeah. Can you imagine having that kind of... Look, I know you gave me your kidney. Things aren't working out. Listen, Rachel, your kidney works great. You just don't. I wonder if she's going to donate her teeth to the guy who's getting it done. I like how the woman in your story just survived having a kidney replaced, and you have her smoking. She's got a... She's irresponsible. Next year is a long... She's not a strong-willed woman. She's eating swine. Well, we have two women, actually. One of these is also... She's also in New York. And the other one is... I'm not sure actually where she was. I think it was Texas. But these women have something in common. Both faked cancer to get what they want. One was a high school girl. Angie Gomez lied about having leukemia because she wanted to attend the prom. Not only did she get a prom, but they paid for her own prom. Like, it wasn't even the main prom. They gave this... This girl, she collected $17,000, and they threw her her own prom, only to find out, never sick. Another woman wanted her dream wedding. Yeah, seriously. See, these are the kind of stories that I think... That give cancer a bad name. Karma is... I mean, bad name? Who are the parents that raised this awful child? Yeah. And where do you even get the standards to do that? And, like, honestly, that person doesn't qualify to me. They don't exist. I like how Adam just got so serious all of a sudden. Did you see this? They don't exist. They don't exist. Fuck you. Fuck your family. Fuck you. And the doctors will die. Fuck everything about you. And there's no way she's listening, but fuck you. I lied about being a Pisces once, but I would never lie about being a Cancer. I think at least you have to follow through. Like, if you're going to claim you have cancer, and this other woman did it so she could have her dream wedding, and... Oh, wait. To her, too? Fuck you. Here's the great part. I hope they're listening together as well. That's nice. You know who turned in the woman? You know who turned in the woman? You know who turned in the woman? You know who turned in the woman? You know who turned in the woman? You know who turned in the woman? The person that turned in the one from the wedding was the guy that married her. He's like, I don't... A couple months later, he's like, I don't think she's sick. Which makes you wonder. It's like, okay, if you're marrying a woman, you're like, well, this is only temporary. Exactly. It was in the moment. She said, I do. He said, fuck you. This is a fake expiration date on this woman. No fucking way. Now I'm stuck with her for life. Fuck this. You don't have cancer, you bitch. I totally thought that four months from now, I'd be banging a bald chick. If you fake cancer, you have one of two choices. You can still do that. You have to fake remission or fake your death. You have to lose some weight. Commit. At least lose some weight. There's no real end game there. I love the lawyer, though, for the prom queen. This was his reaction. She's not really happy in jail. Jail is not a pleasant place, especially for a young lady like her who has never been in a place like that. Wait, but what's her crime? What's her actual crime? You know what else she might find unpleasant? Cancer. Cancer's unpleasant. Hospital. Death. I find a cough. A cough isn't as roomy as one might think. Now, wait, what was her crime? Her crime is lying? Is that her crime? And you know what? Fuck her. I hope giant bulldogs are making her lick her clam. That's what I really hope. Nice. I hope so. I hope so. Just for however long she's in there. You think she's in jail going, don't rape me, I have cancer? Now, what percentage of guys do you think still think women's prison is that HBO movie that I watch at midnight? Skin and Max. Oh, God, that's fantastic. I love women's prison. I'm just saying. Whatever the hell's going on in your head. Except we're picturing hot chicks. I'm picturing unbelievable. I'm picturing incredibly scary bull dykes beating the crap out of her. I'm picturing all these teachers that sleep with their students. All those women are loaded up in prison right now. Yeah. Oh, there is that. That's the prison I want to go to. That's the prison you want to be a warden of. Yeah. That's true. I guess you're better off if you're in a position of power. All right. Next story. We have this. This is a perfect example of why I do not do yoga. Okay? There was a yoga festival. Let me just clarify. Drew's in very good shape for you. You listeners who aren't aware. I was surprised to meet Drew. He's in excellent shape. And I'm surprised that he doesn't do yoga. Because this guy's in great shape. He's getting a drink of water. His biceps are flaring out as he drinks water. Especially when you find out he's 134 years old. Also, you're not allowed to be funny and in good shape. Yeah. What is this bullshit? Where's your gut? Oh, man. Where's your funny gut? I am just a little too happy today. I'm holding on to his. We are keeping this group. Usually, they just abuse me in here. But this guy. I'm paying him double. I'm paying him double. I'm paying him double. I'm paying him double. Wait. I'm good looking and funny. I don't know. Drew charged me a kidney to be on the show today. He took me on you? Wait a minute. I got to keep this job. I'm going to be fired after this. Wait. Can we go back to. Jeremy in the booth. Collect some. Can we just quickly go back to that last story? Fuck you. All right. Well, on to our yoga festival. This is in Boulder, Colorado. Apparently, a woman went in to use the portable toilet at this yoga festival and thought she saw something unusual down underneath the porta potty. So, she went and reported it to someone. Someone else went in. And they found that there was a man hiding out down below under a tarp. When you say she saw something underneath, you mean through the shitter? Through the seat. Yes. Man, that guy's the shit. God. We just met, but I love you so much. I don't think you know I had to do that little point and shoot after that. I knew how stupid it was. I'm your man. When they called security on this man, festival security waited outside for several minutes, then saw the suspect emerge from the portable toilet. I love this part. They tried to detain him, but he ran away covered in feces. Did he have a shit-eating grin? No. I think at that point, you're only... Here's the thing. Go ahead. If you have a job as security, can they pay you enough to chase down the guy that was just hanging out in the bottom of the porta potty? No. Well, that's when they call that wheelchair security guard, I think, to chase him down. That's cops' job. That's when you call cops. He's like, wheels. Come on, wheels. Get him. I got this. That's why it's always fun to watch. I think everybody knows Streaker. When you see a Streaker run across a professional sporting event, and nobody really wants... They just want to trip him as he's running. Nobody wants to grab the guy. I think the guy, he wasn't a pervert. He just dropped his lunch down there, and he was just retreating. This once occurred at a yoga festival in New Delhi once, and I will tell you, a cow actually stopped the perpetrator. That was it. Wait a second. I wonder whether the guy... I'm not at all sure where that came from. No, he was just like... He was just really into always getting shit on. Yeah. He just loves... I would assume that guy's the only excuse. If I'm that guy, and you come out of that place covered in shit, you pretend that that woman just shit you out. That's pretty much your only defense. Whoa, God. I never thought I was getting out of her. I'm about to find that advice right there. That's it. Either that, or I would stick to maybe koalas. This guy took the Cleveland steamer, too. Yeah, you don't even know... I don't think that woman can eat... You can shoot him, right? Here's what this guy didn't know, that women will allow you to hide in the porta potty if you fake cancer. Oh. I like your idea. It's like, oh, man. I'm not a woman. I'm a kid. She ate me last night. I've been dying for her to shit me out for weeks now. Ooh, Giannis can really eat. That's what you're pretty much going to come with when you come out of the shit or like that. Thank God she's got such a gaping vagina. I would never got out of there. This guy got away. He came out of her vagina. He's covered in shit. Well, that's how big she is. It's an asshole. Basically, she got ripped apart. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. She's an asshole. Basically, she got ripped apart. You shit on a full man. Your vag is getting ripped. I'm so glad I told my mom and nephew to listen to this week's show. Hey, Drew's mom. We're talking about shitting. Hey, Drew's mom. Check me out at adamrichmondcomedy.com. That would be the worst anatomy lesson ever. That was nice. You can also check out chlamydia at adamrichmond.com. You don't have to go to the website. You can check out Adam Richmond Comedy. I'm going to go to Adam Richmond Comedy.com. I'm going to go to Adam Richmond Comedy.com. I'm going to go to Adam Richmond Comedy.com. I'm going to go to Adam Richmond Comedy.com. You can just invite him to your kid's party. Send me an email and I'll get it. Chlamydia. Well, our final story, I think, for the day is going to be Raymond Foley. Raymond Foley allegedly peed on four female co-workers chairs. What's with everyone peeing and pooping on each other this week, man? I don't like these stories. I just find them. Come on. You and your body functions. I do that for guys. Does it make any sense? I came on a girl last week. You did what? That's disgusting. That is awful. Why did you shit on her? All right. Look, I just think Raven Foley needed a little advice because he allegedly peed on four female co-workers' chairs over the course of five months. He's the IT guy at the company. Apparently, he would look up their profiles on the company website. IT is for I tinkle. Well done. You win a prize for that one. That was fantastic. I love tech humor. That's fantastic. You're one for a lesson. That makes up for that Indian guy. Source that joke. That's fantastic. That makes up for that Indian guy. So, this guy, they caught him on the security cameras. The women suspected things because, you know, the chairs apparently, you know, had a bit of a stain and smell. Again, another fan of guys. Golden Girls. Yes. But here's the wild part. This is the part I don't understand. Here's the wild part. Yeah. Damage to the chairs. Remember, this is four chairs. Damage to the chairs was estimated at over $4,500. Were they thrones? Who has ever worked in an office that had an office chair that was like, what, $1,200 a piece, basically? That soaked in urine? Couldn't be like urine compatible? If you're going to have a $1,000 chair, you should bounce that urine off. Yeah. Drew actually peed on our chairs before we got here today. Yeah, he likes to leave his scent in the studio before everybody comes in. I was nice. I was writing your name. Why did it take this guy five months to piss on four chairs is my question. He doesn't drink enough water. If he's IT, couldn't he have, like, I don't know, blocked out the cameras or something? And I like the girls showing up to work. It's like, why does it smell sort of funky around my desk today? Oh, well, I'm just going to sit here. I don't know. I'm going to sit for a few hours. It really does smell funky. Okay. That's a little soaking. It's so awkward. How did that woman get a job? I'm like, yeah, I'm here for the job. That's that. Do you like urine? Yes. You're in. You're hired. You like urine? You're in. Pissing is the new coming, apparently. Actually, kidney stones. I'm not sure what that means. All right, Colin, I want to remind you. I know I do. I know I do. Because we have had some questions sent in to us. Someone's actually calling in. Yeah, I just peed on somebody. I think this week we've scared our callers. But let me give you the number again. 800-893-9562. It's Drew's mother going, what the hell are you doing, Drew? These guys are idiots. This is what I sent you to college for? Yeah. Drew, is your mom Jewish? Is she? And then she's like, but I did shit out one of them in a porta potty last week. That Ron Swallow. Well, we did get several. I'm sorry to offend Drew's mother. Drew's mom? Really? Drew's mother. I'm sorry to offend Drew's mother. I'm sorry. I'm sure she's Jewish. I'm Jewish here, buddy. You should only be so much. No, no. She's Jewish. See, Adam can do Jewish jokes, and Drew can do Jewish jokes. I cannot. But you can do Indian jokes. You should have made it Indian. You're so on Rodriguez, I assumed he was Jewish. Yeah, Rodriguez-stein is fine. If you're not a dick, you can do Jewish jokes. You can do any joke you want. You've got to believe in it. I just did a joke about a guy in a wheelchair. A lot of them. And loving the Paralympics. What are they going to do, roll up here? But he committed, so that's what made it good. Yeah, I'm on the eighth floor. There's no elevator. They can't find me. All right. We're going to have to get to our questions now. Our first one that was submitted to us. This comes from Will in British Columbia. And it was why? My 16-year-old daughter wants to have plastic surgery. She insists she needs a nose job. Naturally. It's expensive. I said we would pay for half. My wife disagrees. What should we do? Punch her in the nose. Depends how ugly she is. Well, that's the thing. Is she going to be able to get a prom date or not? Would she have to fake cancer to get a prom date, or would she just be able to get a prom? She's 16. I say get a bigger nose. A bigger one? Then you can pretend you're Jewish. You're Jewish. I'm Jewish. Get a better job. Get a Jewish man. You see, he committed to it, by the way. He believes it. See, I just think if you're 16, absolutely not. You do not get a 16-year-old girl a nose job. What you do is get her a tattoo of a dolphin on the small veranda. I like that. I was going to suggest breast implants. Because if you get her breast implants, no one's going to look at her nose. That is very true. Now, if she's adopted, if she was adopted, maybe they can still try to return her for a better looking child. How old is she? 16. Did they keep the receipt? I think you're fine. Also, if you're going to get titties, you should also get her the fake ass things, too. No, like huge titties, though, just to really distract. She's in her 45th trimester. Are they just a border? Okay, but their question... See, here's the problem. She should have just faked a deviated septum like everybody does. Fake the deviated septum, get the nose job. How do you fake a deviated... Do you have to limp? What do you do? No, you go, oh, my... I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Nose job. There you go. You just got to pretend you're sleeping, and you do this in your sleep. I've been on road with the guys who do that. Sure, you've been on road with the fake. But no, but the question here, it seems more actually about the money, because he said he would offer to pay half, which I'm assuming means the daughter would have to pay the other half. If she's going to pay for it, I don't know how... I mean, at that age, that's... How is that different from braces? You're going to spend all this money on braces for your kid. It's true, because braces are cosmetic. Why not fix her nose? Yeah, I think that's actually not a big deal. Well, you can send it to the dentist who takes all your goddamn teeth out. That's taken care of right there. And also, has her nose been broken or something? Well, it doesn't say. Again, I got to go back to the breast implants. If you're going to spend money on plastic surgery, make it worthwhile. Exactly. Give the kid something she can use. My advice is for the 16-year-old girl. The 16-year-old girl needs a wealthy benefactor to chip in the other half. Again, I'm going to go with breast implants, but however, she does have to get a job and work, because if you only get her one, at least put it in the middle, because otherwise it's going to look uneven. She should fire up a Kickstarter campaign. How about a tattoo? A tattoo of a bigger nose. Next to her nose. A tattoo of a bigger nose. All right, that's good. How about a tattoo of big tits on her tits? Great ideas. Okay, well, next question. You all don't want to see my tattoo, though. Here we have Mike from Ventura County. Mike wants to know, will having a threesome ruin my relationship? Uh, no. Not if he doesn't let his wife know, no. You mean having a threesome with his wife and another girl? Well, it doesn't say whether he's married or it's his girlfriend. It could be with his girlfriend and another guy. If you got a girl that's willing to have a threesome with you... You really can't turn that down. Yeah, do it. What if she wants to bring in a guy? Don't do it. Well, I mean... No, there's a one erection per room rule. You're saying it's not the threesome that ruins a relationship, it's balls. No, no, it's the woman knowing. No, if you're spicy, if you have a cool chick and you're spicy and she's going to love you no matter what and you can do it, then absolutely. But if you have a girl that's going to watch you bang girl and all of a sudden be super insecure, then don't do it for her. Or you're going to be insecure. You know the love you no matter what only lasts until you're eating out the other girl longer than you're doing it to the woman that you're with. But the truth is, if she's an awesome chick, she'll be awesome. You're trying not to do that. Sometimes that doesn't work out. Yeah, it depends on how long they take, right? It depends. I love that other chick. By the way, when I say awesome chick, Who in this room has had a threesome? I've had a threesome. I've had. Does a port-a-potty count? I've had a fourth. Does a koala count? I've gone down the flames trying. Is the port-a-potty the third person or you had it in the port-a-potty? I got a fetish, you know. I had a two and a half. But when the other half realized what was going on, that whole person got up and left the room. See, okay, now I've done it. But my thing wasn't with a relationship. I wasn't in a relationship and then me and her found another girl. It was like you found a couple girls. They're ready to go. That was just you and two homeless guys in the alley. I was in a relationship and it was weird. I filmed it. It's on YouTube. Guy, that's my favorite show. See, I just think if you're, the key if you're going to do the threesome thing, it always has to be her being the choosing. If you choose the chick, it never works. It's like you can't say to your girl like, hey, you know, let's do a threesome. You know what would be interesting? If we got a girl with big tits. You know. You know what would be interesting? How about your sister? I wanted to say something sort of related. But if you're a girl and you're all insecure, oh my God, he had sex with somebody else. I can't love him. Go fuck yourself. All right? Seriously. It's just a penis and a vagina. It has nothing to do with love. If you want to love this guy and you want to give him some fun and you can bring a girl and then have a treat for your life that you're going to remember and it'll enhance your relationship, then do it. But if you got a girl that's all insecure, don't fuck her. You're a hopeless romantic, Adam. Yeah. I know, right? Believe me, I sort of am. It sounds ridiculous. You're a hallmark card. You're a walking male hallmark. But in that case, I'd like to find a girl that would love me enough to be, yeah, this guy likes getting his dick sucked by other girls every once in a while. I'm all for it. Now, Drew, I noticed that the question exists nowhere. The question is from British Columbia and people shorten British Columbia BC and a lot of people don't know that BC stands for bi-couples. Nice. Wow. Or British Columbia. Who's better? I don't know. I should spend more time in Canada. Who's better with the abbreviations? I know, right? The IDI. You're leading the league in abbreviations. It's all the British people and the Columbians living together in one nice province. Hey, you bring the cocaine, Mr. British man? Hello, how I say? What a wonderful place. Sorry. I like how it's a cholo as a Columbia guy. Well, I don't know. I got to work on my Columbian. Columbia. Hey, Columbia. Hey. Hey, man. He apparently has asthma as well. Say hello to my little friend. He has a deviated cell, you have to say. All right, next question. This one comes from Leanne in Seattle. Leanne. Already don't like her. Yeah, Leanne, what are you doing in Seattle? Are you listening? Getting wet. And I mean that in the nicest of ways. Oh, Leanne. Leanne wrote in and said, I've been dating my boyfriend for over three months and things have been going great. I really like him and don't want to drive him away. But should I tell him that before we met, I slept with three of his friends? At the same time? I don't believe so. I mean, it's a different level of horror. Why do you think he's dating you because three of his friends told him to go fuck with you? Yeah, you should fuck her, dude. That's what I was going to say. I'm guessing he already knows. If it matters to that dude, he's a piece of shit. Same thing. Same rule goes with the thing. If you give a shit where his dick has been or how many dicks have been or a vagina, well, then you're as just as judgmental. What about the fact that you're apparently out of the group of friends, you're the fourth one to get it? Who cares? And you don't know. So your friends, the first three guys didn't tell you. So fuck them. But how many guys have friends that don't tell you that they did? Dude, I totally fucked her in the ass. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's like, dude. What was her name again? The end. I fucked her. Make it four of his friends. It's not about the girl you screw. It's about the Eskimo brothers that you make. That is filthy. So do you think she should tell him or no? It's like, don't ask me. Ask questions you don't want. You don't want to know the answers to. Don't volunteer information that is not necessary. Yeah, actually, I agree. You don't need to say shit. If it comes up, let me ask you, then tell him. Be honest. You feel like you need to tell him as he's going down. By the way, by the way, three of your friends have been there before you. Yeah, exactly. If you're going to tell him the right time is probably while you're blowing him. The right time. Well, generally, yeah. Not at the reception. Not at the wedding reception. So he can't understand you? What's that? So he can't understand you? Is that why she's saying you're blowing you? Because otherwise, he can't happen. Well, then you can claim you told him even if he doesn't quite understand. I thought you were gagging. No, no, that's when I told you. I don't want to offend you, Jimmy, but your friend Bobby's sperm tastes like pineapple. She's worried one of the friends eventually is going to be like, I just got to let you know I totally fucked your girlfriend. That's the problem. That's what she's scared of is going to happen and then it's going to come out in a way where she looks like a whore. I mean, generally, it's kind of hard not to come out that way when you've done three of his friends. The best time to talk about other people you've slept with is shortly after your wife or husband dies. However, however, with your friends, they're going to find out at some point in time. So you can have three kids and when someone's like, hey, by the way, I forgot to tell you, I piped everybody you know. My advice, the way to tell them, just show them the video. That's not a bad idea. Well, let's put it this way. If this woman is now sleeping on the fourth friend, she's now sleeping with the fourth friend. She's being passed around. She's obviously a whore, right? Yeah. Okay. And I mean that in a respectful way. She's awesome. A party favor. She likes her party favors. Hold on. No, no. I'm going to defend that. No. Why is she a whore? You sleep with four guys in the same circle of friends, you're a whore. I'm sorry. Can we not call her efficient? Then are males whores? She's looking for love in all the one place. Now, by the way, when I say you're a whore, I mean, I will gladly sleep with a whore. I would love to be a whore. You would love to be a male whore? Why not? I've been a slut before. It's just an opportunity. Yeah, it's great. But I think the big question- I'm not going to get my dick sucked. You got it sucked last night. I think the big question is how many friends does this guy have? Like, if he's got a very large circle of friends, he could be in a little bit of trouble. Yeah. Well, and then, and then the other thing, the thing about the slut thing, I think one of the points is that as dudes, we have a little less options. As girls, you can have as many dicks in there as you want any time, so you can say no. Also, we're not in high school anymore. Who the fuck is standing around and going, she's a slut. Like, you have no one to answer to but yourself. You want to be an adult? Be an adult. Which is all fine until your boyfriend finds out that all his friends have been inside of you. I just think the chances are I'm going to meet a girl and she's not going to have been with more girls, more guys than I've been with girls. At some point, am I going to be offended by that? Well, what if she was only with five people ever, but they were all your good friends? All in your immediate family. Everybody you know and she got to you when they didn't satisfy. Just have a five-some then. There you go. That's a fine piece of advice. All right. Well, here's our next question and that comes from Lisa in Pasadena. I know her. Is rapable an adjective? Yes. It is not. That's horrible. It's funny. It's funny. You can't laugh and tell me it's ha ha ha. That's awful. Lisa from Pasadena has written in and she says, I found porn on my child's computer. Should I say anything? Yeah, congratulations for not being gay, son. Wait, it doesn't say it's not gay porn. My problem there is when you say child, are we talking? Yeah, she didn't find it on her daughter's first question. What's the age here? It doesn't say. No, but she didn't find it on her daughter's computer. It's like, yeah, my daughter was just gunning her bad. I watched it. Is she using a knife? What is she doing? Gunning. Oh, gunning. I do think it depends greatly on what kind of porn it is. Yeah, exactly. Is it suitable for the family porn or is it just a low-key dark room of a guy who's under a port-a-potty family porn? Thank you very much. What is family porn? I want to know what family porn is. It's West Virginia porn. That's like Jerry Maguire. The Hallmark Channel has family porn on the side. It was just me? Your family didn't have like porn Fridays? Porn is becoming so mainstream. They have different variations and family porn is now one of them. Oh, that's nice. Now, does that mean porn for the family or the whole family is in the actual film? The family to watch together as a family. Oh, that's nice. It's a good experience. While ordering Papa John's. In three days, The Aristocrat. Nice. That was for all the comics. That was good. That was good. That was a good run. No, I think it does matter what kind of porn because there's some dark porn and there's some happier porn. Yeah, exactly. Is it happy porn or dark porn? Yeah, if you're looking at your 13-year-old kid's computer and there's this thing where they're like bringing out the gimp, I think maybe it's time for a discussion. Right, but it needs some therapy. Well, that's just the modern equivalent. Just be happy the kid's libido's kicking in. Yeah, that's just the modern equivalent of your mom finding your favorite porno mag. We're all different. Have the sex talk. It's going to happen. A 13-year-old wants the gimp video and we're all different? That's fine. I once had a nine-year drought of not getting pussy. It was when I was born to when I was nine. Hell yeah. Bam. Three years of gayness. I just mean at some point, I remember liking girls when I was like nine, ten years old. So it's like you, if that's when you're developing, that's when you're developing. So I don't think it's so weird if the kid's like, yeah, he's 29 and he's into porn. Like, well, you're weird for checking up on what he's doing. Yeah. But if all of a sudden he's got an interest in porn. And if he's four. When I was that age. Why is he so good on a computer? You know, you didn't really have that much access to porn. Oh, he's filming his own porn. That's different. Yeah, if the porn that he has in his computer is filming his sister in the shower, that's different. But if it's regular porn, if this kid's not seven years old. This is my sister Jessica. Dude, everybody smokes. Everybody smokes in Adam's She's a great, I'm a great director. Oh my God. In like three weeks, all his impressions are going to, die of lung cancer. All right, I hesitate to bring up this next question. You're going to need a kidney transplant. Seriously, we may have to just leave Adam out of this. Somebody cut Adam's mic. But this next question, oh, I'm going to actually almost, this is another one of those I think I have to apologize for in advance. You mean like, like all of the other ones? Yeah. Hold on, I bet you someone's getting peed or pooed on. No, but it's close. I hope so. This is from Sarah in Phoenix. Sarah writes in, I have a disorder that causes me to pass vaginal gas during intercourse. I've been dating a great guy for the last two months and we haven't had sex yet. Should I tell him about my disorder or let him discover it when we make love? No, you just fart all over that guy. That ain't no disorder. That's the brother putting in work. I think the first thing you have to do in this case is think outside the farting box. I only have one thing to say. I only have one thing to say. Yeah. I agree with Adam on that one. You just wait until he pees on your chair. It depends on how hot you are. If you're hot, baby, if you're hot, we will deal with anything. That's the thing. There's not a lot of guys that are going to care if your vagina's a whoopee cushion. She's not going to care. I pay extra for that. I usually want them. Give him something to look forward to? Yeah, yeah. No, let him think it's a party favor when he gets down there. Oh, no, actually, don't tell. He'll just think his dick is big. There was a character. You guys watch the show Rescue Me? There was a scene in that. There was a girl that did that. One of the firemen was banging a girl and she would start farting right after sex. He was like, what's this horrible smell? I just came. Wait, wait. Farting or queefing? I think it was just that her body was releasing. I think this girl's queen of queefing. You got to throw my queen of queefs. Are queef farts delicious? What's the difference? Well, if your vag is clean, it doesn't really, it's just noise. Here's the thing. If you haven't had sex with your boyfriend for three months and he hasn't complained about it, there's a good chance his dick farts. There's something wrong with this guy if he hasn't said anything. Yeah, that was one of the things that bothered me. Your whoopee cushion vagina may be the least of the problems at this point in time. Yeah, there are adults that haven't had sex for the first two months. Seriously, two dates and I'm like, I think there's a problem here. You usually dump that guy immediately. Three dates at the most, I would say, if you're doing the date thing. Third date, if you're not getting some, you know you're not getting some. But the other side of chemistry is chemistry. Maybe the smell is, like you said, if he doesn't notice, I'm so serious. Wait, what smell? Do queefs smell? I don't know. It depends on your vag. Hold on, guys. Your vag is nasty? Ron's been with several queefing vagets. I have. Okay, here's the question. I have a, I'm concerned where it says vaginal gas. Queefing is an air thing. Gas is different. Gas is what happens when things sort of rot inside you. So I think you're looking at a much bigger issue. She's rot inside you? Like if you lit a match but her vagina explodes. Maybe her vagina like, oh, her vagina is like, oh, don't smoke, don't smoke. And he's like, oh, no problem solved. Another smoker? You got another smoker over there? Yeah, because he's smoking after sex. He lights it and the whole room explodes because of vag gas. That's if Michael Bay directs the porn video. The vagina explodes at the end. It's got that angle towards the vagina. Her vagina will also be an alien shaped like a turtle. In a world where one vagina explodes gas, one hero will go for it. So you have a problem with the question. You would rather be phrased as a windy vagina. Yeah, I just don't think that your vagina is actually giving out gas. Put her in a sailboat and take you out. She's probably just got an idea of giving out gas if you've got something that needs to be done. It needs to be checked into. Well, there's a superhero. Ron might know about this. Her name is Firestorm. Yeah. And so Firestorm might have a gassy vagina. She probably does. She sounds medical to me. She's on fire. She probably does. Just like that movie Fire Down Below. Yeah. That would be accurate. Did the crotch master's five curtain match the rapes? All right. Does the flaming curtain match the flaming carpet? is a moron. Bring a gas mask to bang the fire. Bring a gas mask to bang this girl and bring nothing flammable and have a time of your life. I wouldn't tell them as long as I don't think anybody cares what noise it makes. I mean, it can talk like the mother from Seinfeld as long as she lets you fuck it. I think most guys are fine with it. I think that's probably true. You better just put some music on and try and do it to the beat. Drown it out. Drown it out. Or every time you feel it coming on just be like, oh yeah. What's worse than queefing is I once had a girl I was having sex with and her pussy started beatboxing. That was that's weird. The worst part is she's rapped about how small her dick is. I was once with one that requested another penis. Do not. All right, well moving on we've got Greg in San Diego. Greg's question is, I am a 26 year old man who works as a personal assistant. My boss is a heavy set woman in her 50s who lately has been hinting at the idea of us fooling around on her upcoming business trip. I really don't want to but I love my job so what should I do? Do not give her a kidney. No kidney. Do it. But what do you think? Does her pussy have gas? I don't think he knows yet. Once you do it, you're in. Well literally, yes. But I mean if she has that 65 year old woman stash thing going, you better come down with a cold sore in a hurry because once you start it you're in until you lose your job. But in this economy he doesn't want to lose his job. Does she want to marry him? And film it. And then you can blackmail her later when she tries to fire you. Absolutely. Film it or record it. Record it. Adam, good advice. She's saying that to you. Have a tape recorder and fucking record her saying that to you and then if she ever fires you man, say, aha, ta-da. And then you have her in the palm of your fucking hand. Yeah, that's nice. Do you have to do the ta-da thing or can you just actually pull out the video? It's better with a job. You have to do the you have to make it magical. Seriously, if you were going to bust your boss with a video, you have to smoke and say ta-da. I think the key is to make sure that the soundtrack is endless love. Not only that, but if you're the one that needs a kidney. That is some advice though, right? Yeah, that actually is strangely good advice. Just record it. And if you don't do what you want, if you want to fuck this girl, by all means. If you don't, don't do it. If she ever threatens that you're fired, say, sorry babe, I got you. Here's the thing. The problem is it's good advice. So you're fired. But here's the thing. In every story, his advice was film it. So in this case, finally it works. That is nice. I think in this case that works perfectly. What? You got raped by a pissing koala? Film it. All his impressions make me sound young. I fucking love it. It's awesome. I say, my advice is banger. Banger. In fact, any story you have where somebody says, should I banger? Should I banger? Yes, banger. That is good advice. Just use lube because it's 65. I love how you just added 10 years to this woman's life. She's getting older. She's 55, but her vagina is 75. And her vagina's like, get in here. Isn't there smoking bad? Is this porn? It probably is. The smoking vagina. Oh, that's awesome. All right. That was the porn the 13-year-old was watching. I feel bad. It's like, here we're supposed to be giving bad advice, but we only have good advice for this person. That was the porn the kid was watching. Smoking vagina. Wait, you think when I say banger that that's good advice? Yeah. If you want to keep your job, yes. Only if you're filming it. Only if you're filming it. Don't banger. Well, what was she like? Look, if you don't fuck this 55-year-old vag, fire in your ass. If you don't fuck this 55-year-old vag, I'm going to tell you right now, I am so turned on by that. I've never been more turned on. Thank you very much. Say it again. Say it again. If Adam does film it, do you want to watch it? Wait, why am I filming it? I'm not banging. And if I am, I'm not telling you guys about it. You're just the cameraman. You're not banging. I'm not signing. You're not writing into a radio station, hey guys, I just banged this 55-year-old. Shoot me. We need a second assistant cameraman. He's the editor, but he still smokes. By the way, I don't even smoke. Well, how can you? You need such a fine impression. Oh, your impressions of going through packs like crazy. Who can afford that? This is ridiculous. I'm out of here. Oh, I feel bad for this next one. Denise and San Pedro. More than Queen Laquifa? This person's worse? Queen Laquifa. She's in a tough spot. That's a good one. Denise writes that, I'm engaged, but having second thoughts. I love him, but I'm embarrassed by his job. He empties porta-botties for a living. At yoga festivals. My family thinks that's a good thing. He thinks I can do better. Do I follow through? Wait, this is the guy who was at the yoga festival. That's her fiancé. That's the one she should marry. He may not always. Do you know how much money those two get paid? Yeah, I heard that too. That's not enough. Shitload of money. Wait, did she say her family knows or they don't know? Her family knows and thinks she can do better. Every time he comes home, she's like, you're the shit. Couldn't she tell her family not to give her any more shit because he brings enough home on his sleeve every week? Is that possible? Hold on. I got the same advice to this girl as I do to all the other girls. Film it. Go fuck yourself. Seriously, go fuck yourself. Do you love this guy? If you love him, then fucking love him and marry him. Don't be an asshole listening to your fucking parents. If you don't like his job, then don't fucking be with him, but fuck you. She loves him, but not from any closer than six feet. Hold on. What are you doing? What are you doing? Sitting at home doing nothing? I'm just sitting here. Waiting for him to come home. That's her vagina, by the way. That's the orientation. I just feel an impression coming on. Someone grab me my pack of Luckys. No, seriously. These are the people that complain that this guy has a job, probably does get paid a lot of money, but she's like in place. She doesn't do anything. Yeah, what does she do? What does that bitch do for a living? That's what I want to know. She fills the port-a-botties. Hello. Hello. Was this the same guy that ran out at the bottom of a port-a-body? That would be awesome if it's the same guy. Well, then he's really committed to his job. He actually does it empty, but he cleans them from the inside out. I just did a product test and I'm like, dang, honey, that's what I do. All right. Product testing. Wait, why do you, you said you feel sorry for her. Why do you feel sorry for her when obviously, according to Adam, she's just a superficial cunt? Yeah, I agree. I don't feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for Kweefer. Yeah. Kweefer Sutherland? Kweefer Sutherland is that what we're doing? Kweefer Sutherland. Kweefer Sutherland. That would be my acting name if I was in porn. Kweefer Sutherland. Kweefer Richards? Splendor in the Kweefer works too, yeah. All right, we're running out of time so we're going to do one more real quick. One more Kweef joke. All right. My girlfriend has a twin. Is that still cheating? Paul from Michigan. Yeah. No. I got to go with no. I got to go with yeah. She's a whole other person. If your dick is in her mouth so you can't hear her say it's the wrong sister, you're fine. I love how all these stories kind of combine with each other because that's the threesome that you're allowed to have. Yeah, you're allowed to fuck other girls. Well, yeah, she's got to look like me. That's the two and a half-some that we were talking about. That's nice. Okay, you can stick it in there. She's identical to me. I dated a girl who had a twin and I was doing a show in Topeka, Kansas and true story, I walk out on stage and a girl that looks identical to the girl that I was going out with was sitting in the front row. I didn't know she was going to be there. I'm looking at her going, I feel justified with this. I feel like I've already seen her naked. Yeah. But I don't think it's cheating. No, here's the advice. Here's my advice. They share DNA. No, no, no. You fuck this twin sister but you act like you didn't know it was the twin sister. Yeah. Or you act like that's the twin sister because your wife ain't going to be all that happy about it. I thought it was you I was sleeping with. I was surprised that your vagina hair grew like nine millimeters since I saw you last. My advice is you do it and you film it. Exactly. And then if either one of them say anything, you go. And send it into the show. All right, listen guys, we got to wrap this up. I want to thank everybody. Give yourselves a round of applause. This is a great panel. This week is a lot of fun. We got Kenneth Auger's host of the weekly wrap up. You can listen to him every Sunday, four to five, where I often join him. I want to thank everybody else. Ron Swallow. We got Jason Rohrbacher, Adam Richmond, and Mr. Rodriguez, Sal Rodriguez. Again, thanks everybody. Like us on Facebook. We'll see you next week.