Nat Baymel interview, LA Metro rant, religious critique

I have got so much, so much to worry about I am stepping up and never coming down I have got so much, so much to worry about I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down I am stepping up and never coming down why I'm such a disturbed, resentful person today. My vociferous contempt for religion was spawned by my religious background. So I'd like to thank them for that because I couldn't do what I do today without them. Mom, that was Chris talking, not me. Of course, I could be having sex without Viagra if it wasn't for them. But hey, everything's a trade-off, opportunity cost, right? Anyway, so the three of us, we were kids in a very small private school, a very small kindergarten classroom that was all of maybe eight males. And we happened to be like, believe it or not, we were the cool kids, like the three of us in this tiny classroom. And long story short, I don't remember when I lost touch with him. I think it was fifth grade. And somehow when my space rolled around, either he got in touch with me or I found him. And it turns out that in the years since I left, his name was Mickey, right? He opened up a mom and pop shop for signing home. And he had made a fortune. This is before the economy crash, right? So he, I mean, he made a small, he literally became a millionaire. And his MySpace profile was a picture of his backyard with a massive pool overlooking the beach and palm trees and everything else. So was he banging hot bitches? I imagine so. We never got into that. But, and so this is funny. When we first got in touch, he said, hey man, you know, he goes, you know, I think you'd make a great broker. You know, you've got the intelligence and the personality for it. That door is open to you anytime. And I just moved in. I said, oh, you know, are you crazy, man? I'm about to become a star. I'm out here in LA, man. I'm living my dream. Well, so here's the best part about that. Not only did he become wealthy, but at the height of his success, a big dog, like a countrywide came along and bought his company out and kept him on as a consultant. So when the economy tanked, he didn't suffer the consequences. He was already rich. He had already banked that money. So yeah, I mean, as a professional, he might've suffered for it, but he had already sold it. He had already sold the business. So he's still rich. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, even if he never worked another day in his life, he was okay. And this was countrywide who bought him? I believe so. Let me tell you something. I used to work at this office up in the West Valley. I used to sell ads. And next door was a countrywide office. Hot, I mean, an office full of hot women, countrywide. So this guy was, I'm obsessed with the fact that this guy might've been just sleeping with women because he was rich. Well, then I don't know where you'd get that idea from. So yeah, I don't know why. Thanks. Oh boy. So in other words, your greatest disappointment is what? The fact that, you know what? I fucked me. I think I just read my what if. Oh. I'm sorry. I got here late. I couldn't find the usual part. I know this sounds very crazy and Twilight's only, but I made two laps around the block and I could not find the place where we normally park. That's how I ended up finding it about a cheaper lot. But at the same time, I lost time getting here. Well, you found a cheaper lot. That's what's important. So in other words, you just delivered your what if during greatest disappointments. So when we do what if, you'll deliver your greatest disappointment. So he, so he, Chris has transposed dyslexia today. I'm sorry, man. Well, there you go. There's your what if. So in other words, what if you would have taken this guy up on his offer? For one thing, you probably wouldn't be sitting here today. I would be sitting here, you know, scratching my balls by myself, but who knows? You'd be some, some mortgage millionaire right now. But at the same time, look, he's the one who sold the business. He's the one that made out like a bandit. My guess is if I had been there, I would have been one of the guys who from one day to the next lost his job. Well, you could have been his partner or something, maybe. Well, by now, yeah. But that's a little too speculative, even for me. My greatest disappointment, this is one of my greatest disappointments. In my late teens and early twenties, I used to do a lot of extra work. From about the age, you know, I grew up here in Los Angeles and that was just the thing. I was just basically trained. Hey, listen, go work in the movies. So from about the age of 17 to 20, I worked pretty much nonstop as a Hollywood, professional Hollywood extra. I was in, you name it, I was in everything. I used to be a regular on this show called Running the Halls, which is a complete rip off of, Saved by the Bell. So I was a regular on there. I always worked on there at least once, twice a week. So what happened was the ADs kind of knew me, you know, they welcomed me. It was sort of a family feel. Well, we had this one scene where the starlet of the show was to walk into this party, sort of a prom type party, homecoming party. She is to walk into the room with her date. So all of a sudden the director realizes, hey, she doesn't have a date. We need to give her a date. So the AD chimes in, hey, Sal, what about Sal? You know, so the AD grabs me, puts me next to the starlet. I'm going to be her date walking into this homecoming party. Blonde white girl, by the way, because there may be some relevancy there. So we were about to shoot. All of a sudden the director tells everybody to stop. There's a little huddle there between the director, the assistant director. Like a couple of producers come over. They have a little powwow. They look at me, they talk amongst themselves. They look at me, they talk amongst themselves. So then the AD comes over to me. He goes, sorry, Sal, we're not going to use you in this after all. He takes me out. And then they put in this blonde white guy to take my spot. And it was in that moment that my soul was crushed. And I realized that being a Mexican guy would be an uphill battle. Greatest disappointments being taken out of a scene on the show, running the halls as an extra. Now, in all fairness, was this guy taller, younger, better looking? No, no. We were all the same age. And once upon a time, I was good looking. Once upon a time, I was young and slim and good looking. This guy was about the, he was my peer in every sense of the word. He was just white. That's all. He was white and blonde, Nordic white. Oh my God. And you know, it's funny in this day and age, who knows if they have the balls to do that. What in today's day and age, they might've used me to fulfill some sort of demographic so they wouldn't get sued. Right. And they'd be like, no, no, this kid, this kid will come back with that accidentes lawyer from the back of the bus tomorrow if we replace him based on his skin color. But yeah, sadly that is the case. Yeah, man. Believe me, the reason I love this greatest disappointments segment is because I can fill it. I could probably give you an hour. I could probably give you an hour. We can actually rename the show greatest disappointments and just do that. That's just the name of the show. Listen, remember, anybody wants to call in 1-800-893-9562. Give us a call. Tell us your greatest disappointment. Give us your what if. Follow along to the show. Be sure to like us on Facebook as well. We got a Facebook page that is growing. Be sure to give us a like. Now we're going to go ahead and launch into Chris's corner. Hey, Nick, go ahead and hit it in a sec. We want to welcome back Nick Chacon. He was out last week. Welcome back, Nick. Here I am. No segments today of where's Nick, I guess. Well, because you're here. There you are right there. Here I am. In all fairness, I'm frequently tempted to do a where's Nick segment even when he's here. Let's do that. We can do that. So we're going to go ahead and jump into Chris's corner. Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has. It never comes to the aid of spiritual things, but more frequently than not, struggles against the divine word, treating with contempt all that emanates from God. Martin Luther. I know a guy who attends church religiously, but quit watching Lost because, quote, polar bears could never survive in the South Pacific. Understandably, Lost's outlandish premise exhausted many people's willingness to believe in God. People's willing suspension of disbelief. The show took place on an otherworldly paradise accessed through death's door. Some of the show's characters were as far out as the premise, like John Locke, an enigmatic figure with a messianic complex who rose from the grave following his execution. Who would believe such nonsense? Then again, some people believe in Satan, a supervillain whose Achilles heel is thinking critically about his existence. Per the Bible, Satan's punishment for treason against God was dominion over the world. Satan's punishment for treason against God was dominion over his own realm and command of a demon army. His agenda is sin, but he rewards those who advance it with eternal torture, and his thirst for souls remains unquenched despite presiding over what must be billions of them by now. In 1996, the depths of human gullibility were dragged by news accounts of a building in Clearwater, Florida that seemed to reflect an image of Mother Mary in a window. Some theorized that corroding metallic elements in the glass's coating were to blame. Others looked to the heavens for a culprit. Years later, while attending college, the image came up in a class discussion. The phenomenon's location stoked my incredulity almost as much as the phenomenon itself. Irked by my skepticism, a classmate growled, Why couldn't it happen in Clearwater? Fine, I patronizingly acquiesced. It didn't happen in the Holy Land, or even nearby St. Augustine, home to the New World's oldest Catholic church, it happened in a podunk snowbird destination of 37 square miles south. 37 square miles. Either you're a rational being, or you're not. Don't tell me that God exists in a dimension forever inaccessible to science, then turn around and tell me that he routinely crashes into our world like the Kool-Aid man to smite the wicked and to capriciously assist his supplicants in sidestepping misfortune through miracles. Either Narnia's another world, or it's not. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? reason he would state in the Bible that the mustard seed is the least of all seeds, when in fact it's not. Either Christ is a role model for kids, or he's the lout who shamelessly snubbed his loved ones in Luke. Then his mother and his brothers came to him, but weren't able to join him because of the crowd. He was told, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they wish to see you. He said in reply, my mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and act upon it. You either believe in the bleeding heart liberal who preached, turned the other cheek, or you believe in the Old Testament ogre who condoned slavery and sanctioned Moses' genocide of the Midianites, sparing only female children for breeding. Martin Luther was correct. Reason is the greatest enemy that faith has. Let us pray that it fares better in its ongoing battle against fate than it has to date. And that was Chris's Corner. Thank you, Chris. Chris, why do you hate God? Uh, it's funny. You know what I find so ironic is that your name is Chris. You're named after Christ. I was, uh, raised Roman Catholic. I was educated Southern Baptist, and, uh, that served to produce the Antichrist. Isn't that funny? You are. Chris is the Antichrist. The only rival you may have is a representative, what is it, governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie. He has more Christ in his name than you do. That's funny. Chris has voiced his displeasure at seeing some of the religious paraphernalia that adorns my apartment. But I do have a few religious icons, whether it be the Buddha or the Virgin Mary around my place. That's true. In all fairness, it is somewhat balanced out, uh, by, uh, kitschy kind of other, you know what I mean? There's, there's a wealth of things from, uh, all different genres of, of both religion and entertainment. So after a while, it's just, it just kind of adds to the overall swap shop feel. So I, I mean, initially I was phased by it because it stood out, but, uh, it stood out, but now it just looks like, you know, one of many trinkets that are, you know, waiting to be sold by my, my apartment looks like a swap meet. It looks like a Moroccan bazaar, just all kinds of tchotchkes all over the place. It just looks like you're preparing for a garage sale, but you keep postponing it. I do for the, for the, for the person who does not know me, I have a lot of collectibles in my apartment. It's loaded up. In fact, I need to do a special inventory for insurance purposes of all my collectibles. This is where my money goes. Chris, Chris is so, uh, good with his money. He's a saver. I am a blower. Wait a second. That's the soundbite we're going to isolate and use for, we're supposed to record, uh, supposed to record some new, um, what are they called? Promos. Promos for the show. That'll be my promo. Sal Rodriguez is a blower. Um, yeah, no, no, I, I, it's funny back. The only kind of collectible I have is back home in my parents' house in Florida. I had some comic books that I bought when I was 19 years old, but I, I mean, I did read them, but I also handled them with kid gloves. I've got them packaged in plastic and I've got them boxed up out of the light. And I remind my parents every time I talk to him, don't touch those comics. Don't move those comics. Don't throw them out. Don't give them away. Cause that's my retirement plan. And what happened to them? Oh, they're there. They're in a box. Uh, I mean, I've got, uh, California X-Men. How was that? Nick jumped the gun on our sponsor. Um, that sounded like a, like a, like a political ad. Was that what it was? Yeah. He was saying California. And then I cut it off. California for Romney. That's some of these, I gotta, I gotta wonder, Sal, how do you, how do you make up your mind about the, uh, the propositions on, on the ballot? How do I, well, I usually open up my ballot booklet and just read all about them and make my decision myself. I try not to have too much influence by all the, all the political ads. I really literally just open up my pamphlet and make my own decision. But sometimes I'm appalled at how even in the booklet, uh, it gives you that very kind of a brief. Brief breakdown. But sometimes the opposition says the exact, I mean, and you don't know who to believe. How can, there's only one truth. Somebody has to be lying. And I can, I can scarcely believe that there's not some kind of independent body who is going, no, this is a completely false claim. Well, you know what they also do? If you do read your, your political pamphlet in the back, I believe has the full definition of the proposition. But what, if you're not careful, what you're gonna do is you're going to vote for something that'll have all kinds of stuff stacked onto it that you don't like. For example, like I vote to give homeless people food. Yeah, that's good. And we will also chop cats heads off. You know, like, no, I want the food. I don't want the cat's heads chopped off. Sometimes though, um, it, you know, uh, information, just enough information because usually because it's required by law presents itself for you to make an informed decision. Like when, you know, when they go like, oh, this, you know, disinforming genetically modified foods, it's a waste of time. It's stupid. And paid for by Monsanto. Okay. That kind of tells you what I, exactly what you need to know. Uh, you know, the people most affected by it are the people paying for the ad. That's usually a dead giveaway, but I have heard, um, recently I heard another one where, where they said this and they kind of, you know, one of those things where they say, if you just, if you just talk and you say it with conviction and you just move on, nobody will notice that you, you know, you just pull a fast one. And what it was is they said, um, this is money that could be going to firefighters and police officers. I'm sorry. Is it money that is, or otherwise would go to police officers and firefighters? Cause yeah, it's money. Anything's money that could be going, you know what I mean? It could go to orphanages. Has anyone ever proposed giving the money to police and firefighters, or did you just pull that out of your ass? You know, I mean, I could say that about anything, you know, I'm going to go next time I go to a strip club and they want $20 for a lap dance. I'd say, you know, this is money that could be going to firefighters and police officers. And this is our lead into our guests today. This guy is witty, wacky, weird. And you know what? I would also call him in shape and very handsome. This guy tours all over the country and has been voted as having the best eyebrows in show business. Let's welcome to registered ear offenders, Mr. Nat Baymell. Get in here, Nat. Come on into the studio. You know what we need? We need some intro music, Chris. That's what we need. For Nat, yeah. Something weird, something wacky. Something weird and wacky. What, like carnival music? What would suit that intro? I thought you were clowning on him, but I realized he actually wrote that for you to say. Nat, what's up, man? Welcome to registered ear offenders. How you doing? I'm doing great. Glad to be here. Is that mic on? There we go. Get right on that mic. There we go. There we go. There we go. Welcome, man. You're looking great today. You are in great shape. You exercise a lot, I see. I try to. And he doesn't drink. And he doesn't use any kind of drugs, if I'm not mistaken. Don't drink, don't smoke. What do you do? Yeah, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he does not consume caffeine, and he is not Mormon. I am boring. No, I don't think that. You know what? I admire people who don't indulge in those things. I really do. I do indulge in everything. I'm a hedonist at heart, but I do admire people that don't indulge in any of that stuff. And you also probably eat well and organic and all that? For the most part. I mean, I have a sweet tooth, so I have some bad habits. We're starting off with all the funniest, hilarious stuff. That's how we're starting off this interview. Nat, tell us about yourself. Where are you from and how did you get into comedy? I, like Chris here, I'm originally from Florida, South Florida. Started comedy out in Orlando about six years ago now. Graduated from UCF, decided, hey, I have an degree in creative writing. I can go to New York or California. I've been there a long time, so I'm like, cold weather, wouldn't survive there. Moved to California. Had fun ever since. You have a degree in creative writing? I sure do. So you enjoy blowing your money on useless things? I sure do. A fool and his money are soon parted. Yeah, I don't spend money on alcohol or drugs, so I figured, I might as well do a creative writing degree. No, but you can become a teacher though, right? You can do that? I mean, anyone can become a teacher. But like I had an old girlfriend, I think, who majored in creative writing. I think she went on to teaching. Yeah, that's, it's the sad thing that like, if you teach, you're gonna be a teacher. Yeah, that's, it's the sad thing that like, if you can't do, you teach. Yeah. That's the old expression. And so basically throughout college, a lot of my professors were people who were like, your book might take off one day, but for now, teach us all about structure. We're gonna go ahead and play a clip. We got a clip of Nat Baimel. Where's this clip from? Where did you perform this clip that we're gonna play? This clip is from the Wichita Looney Bin. All right, Wichita Looney Bin. Mr. Nat Baimel here on the show. Now a word of advice from the Wichita Looney Bin. All right, Wichita Looney Bin. Mr. Nat Baimel here on the show. Now a word of advice from the Wichita Looney Bin. All right, Wichita Looney Bin. All right, Wichita Looney Bin. All the ladies in here, gal's, no matter how great a guy may seem, do not ever get a tattoo of your boyfriend's name. Unless his name is Jesus. Cuz then if he ends up with you, your next boyfriend's not gonna say, oh what did he do? You're gonna say what would he do? Charles Charles At first when I saw that tradestamp, I thought you were a ho. Turns out you're a missionary. In case you can't tell by my nose, I'm Jewish. Again, don't mean to brag. It's all sunshine and gefilte fish. We have our problems. Can't go to cool parties. Every time I try joking in the water, it just parks right down the middle. That's embarrassing. Once we had a chit-chat and she chased me to the deep end. You're just weak, Ramses. Be careful who you're drinking with, though, because if you get drunk around some friends, they'll mess with you. I am one of those friends. A buddy of mine and I were at a party last weekend, and he passed out. So I know that thing I'm sure we've all done to mess with our passed out friend. I got myself a Sharpie. I think you know where I'm going with this. I walked right on over. I drew a big swastika on the wall, put the Sharpie in his hand, and I left. And only but a goodie. People walking by are like, whoa, Jägermeister brings a German out of this, dude. You see? Guys, I'm pretty good at comedy. But what I am very good at is coming up with great ideas that sound terrible at first. Perfect example, I have a lot of bumper stickers coming out. I'm really excited about these. They say, honk if you love Hitler. This doesn't look like a bad idea. Until you slap one of them on your car and then cut someone off in traffic. You need to look in your rearview mirror to see that guy behind you go, oh, you mother. Well played, Corolla. Oh, I was so honk, but everyone's already suspicious that I drive a Volkswagen. Thank you. That was Nat Baymel. I am funnier than I remember. Killing it. Yeah, that's a great crowd, man. Where did you say that was again? Wichita, Kansas. Great crowd, man. Gentile crowd, I take it. Oh, very Gentile. Very mixed race. Yeah. Gentile. College graduates. I don't want to badmouth them at all. They were very nice. No, they sound like an awesome crowd. I do remember, Nat, I spoke to you shortly after you recorded that performance, and you told me that you had been received so well that they actually came up to you after the show and said, we forgive you for killing Christ. It's done. It's been enough time. You specifically for killing Christ, not your people. Well, it suggests that you spread the word when you see, you know, because there was none others around. So they said when you go back home to New York or wherever you're from or Florida, we just spread the word. Let me ask this question, Nat. Related to Judaism, tell us how that plays such a large part in comedy, your comedy, audiences. Let's talk about that. Because I, as a Gentile, just believe like Jewish people are funnier. Do you believe that's true? I've been told that. I did a show recently where the man who booked this show, it was like this private event thing. The man who booked the show came up to me and said, there is nothing better than a Jewish comic. I didn't realize we had to be such a genre, but thank you. Was this man 80 years old by chance? He was 50 something in Hispanic. I know Woody Allen was all of 15 years old. He was already getting started. And supposedly the story goes that he was submitting jokes to the newspaper. Do you think it comes from the kind of neurotic, you know what I mean? The over, what's the word I'm looking for? The mother who's too. Overbearing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that kind of fosters that environment, you know, from an early age, maybe. Maybe, but like, I'm not very neurotic. My mother always encouraged my creativity. So I guess maybe it comes from that. As either Jewish mothers are going to be completely overbearing and critical or completely overbearingly supportive. Yeah. That's a lot like that. I've performed in front of my mom many times where many of those times I've bombed just terribly. And she would come up to me afterwards like, they don't know what's funny, Nat. Oh, they haven't. You're very talented. See, that's really nice. My mom has been to some of my shows and I swear to God after the show, my mom will say, you are the third best. That is, as a general rule, Sal, I simply do not invite people I know to my shows. That guy at the end who was reading off the drink specials was killing it. The, you know, it happens. The worst things that have ever happened. Whatever happened to me on the road have always happened in the presence of either people I was dating or people I care about. One time it just so happened I performed in Alexandria, Virginia. I mean, I drove like, I think 700 miles to get there. My best friend who was going to school in DC came out for the presentation and it was the worst. To date, it remains the single worst event and not so much the shows, but what happened afterward. However, I won't go into detail because I'll save it for, you know. Save it for a great event. Save it for greatest disappointment. Yeah, or a road stories whenever we, next time we have a comic on, we'll do one of those like worst, you know, worst road stories. Or if you throw out the line and you just want us to bite, we're going to come back for you. No, no, I just don't want to stomp on your time. It's your segment. It's your time to shine, Nat. It's your show. I'm very humble. It's enough that I'm better looking than you. I will arm wrestle you for attractiveness. I don't know how that would work, but I will win. No, Nat does have some big guns. What do you work out? Do you work out around town? I work out at Gold's Gym in Pasadena. You can catch me there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I just want to plug where I'm working out. You'll be supersetting here all week. I'll be supersetting all here all week. Don't forget to. Nat's got the comics mentality where everything is a plug. You know, it's like Chipotle. I dine there Monday nights around 6 p.m. You can tell them Nat sent you. Hell yeah. Nat, I noticed that you work, I'd say almost exceptionally clean. Has that always been the case? I don't necessarily try to be clean. It's just the way I work. And also, I don't even consider myself a clean comic. I've had so many comics come up to me and say, I wish I did write clean like you. And I'll say, but my closer is about a talking dildo. And they'll say, but when you do it, it's whimsical. Let me tell you something. If I'm not mistaken, the whole ride over here, because I had the pleasure of carpooling with Nat, where we talked about UFC, and we'll get into that in a second. But you did not cuss at all. And I noticed that because I am a foul mouth. I cuss. I say fuck all the time. Nat did not cuss at all. Not only does he not drink, not only does he not smoke, not only does he not inhale caffeine, but you do not cuss. Am I correct? I mean, I curse. I just don't do it very often. Oh, but you will. Like if you stub your toe in the middle of the night, you'll say fuck. Yeah. Okay, there we go. But you do not cuss on stage. I occasionally, I do. If I'm at a bar show and I need to get their attention, I'll do it. But for the most part, I just ride around it. It's not like I make a conscious effort to not swear. I just don't really do it that often. Because Chris admires that. Chris is vulgar on this show, but prides himself on being a clean comic on stage. I hear stories though from you in Florida. You didn't start off as a clean comic though. No, I didn't. In all fairness. I mean, I was young then. I was, you know, early 20s. And I used to, well, I used to have a knack and an affinity for doing very dirty material, but doing it without ever swearing. Yeah. Like that's kind of one of the things that they knew me for was, imagine if Dennis Miller produced like an X-rated album. You know what I mean? A lot of analogies, a lot of, you know what I mean? Painting pictures without ever actually saying it. So yeah, I did that. So there was never, but there was never a time when I would drop F-bombs or anything like that. Though there was a time when I wasn't able to control my temper. I would go to that stage and I would lash out. You would have a tirade on stage? You'd have a breakdown? A very well-pronounced tirade. That's right. I used a lot of words. Fit vocabulary. Yeah, I was yelling at people and they were staring at me like I was yelling at them in another language, you know? I was like, you heathens, you Philistines. What's wrong with you? So Nat started out at the Why Not Lounge, which is the same place. In Altamont Springs, Florida. How did you stumble into comedy? Before I did comedy, I actually used to be in a band. I was in a band. The hero in life is Weird Al Yankovic. Yeah. Yeah, so I used to write funny songs all the time, but my band never practiced. So one day at school in around 2005, I want to say, we had an amateur competition and I decided to give it a shot. Enjoyed it. And I'm like, oh, cool. I don't need to practice with anyone for this. So the second time I did was like six months later, then another six months later. And then 2007, New Year's, I decided, all right, I'm going to try to do this more consistently. So I just Googled, hey, Orlando comedy. The Why Not Lounge popped right up. And I was there weekly ever since, since I moved or they don't do comedy there open mic wise. But yes, that's my story. Wait, what'd you do in the band? I was the guitarist and bassist. Okay, but you didn't do any singing. I mean, I wrote all the lyrics and stuff, but I can't sing, so. Oh, okay. You never decided, you know, I would imagine that from being in a band and then being a lover of comedy, you would be one of these guys that does musical comedy. I actually did musical comedy for a really long time. I used to do a thing where I would like, like you, I used to do, I used to do really offensive jokes. I mean, I still do, but I can get away with it now. It's I'm adorable. He is adorable. And he wears a plaid shirt. I sure do. I'm a lumberjack. I can't grow much of a beard though. Any whoozles. I used to do like offensive one-liners with guitar. And then when people would boo, I would just like play harmonica over them. It got really well received. But the thing is like too many people would come up to me after a show like, oh, you're just like Dimitri Martin. I didn't want to be compared to too many other people like right off the front. So I decided, all right, I'm using this thing. I'm going to do this. It's a crutch. Let me see if I can get by without it. And so about three years ago, I gave it up entirely. Although now I'm trying to bring the guitar back in because I'd miss it. What was the first song that, this song that you're talking about, this talent show, do you still perform it? Do you still remember it? I didn't do the song at that talent show. I can't remember what songs I did. I did this one song a couple of times, not well received at the Why Not Lounge. It was, I would basically, how did it go? It was something along the lines of like, I would say this person in 14, 92 discovered America. Can you guess who it is? People would be like Columbus. No, it's Jesus. Cause Jesus is in all of us. And then I would do it again for like, someone out, Batman, I think. He's like, God, Jesus, even in fictional characters. Like that would describe Oprah. Like Oprah, like no, couldn't be Oprah cause women don't have souls. I've come a long way since then. I could have sworn I heard something like that when I first met you at Third Street Promenade. You did something in that vein. Cause I probably met you about five, six years ago, I think. Yeah. Strippers don't have souls was the joke. That was, that was it. Yes. But they're barely women. Oh, if there are any strippers listening, call 1-800-893-9562 and give Nat Baymel a piece of your mind. But what they lack in souls, they make up for an illegitimate kid. Oh boy. It's weird because they don't have souls, but they can produce things that do have souls. I do not endorse or support anything these guys are saying. I love strippers. I have heard the long version of that joke at a show where a stripper was in the crowd, did not take kindly to it. She wrote a very statement review on the comment card. And I know it was her comment card, just a glitter all over. Was everything spelled correctly? Not quite. Now you're an only child. We talked in the way you were an only child. You don't have any siblings. So you didn't have any competition to try to stand out. So how, how did your comedic genius blossom as a young boy? Um, like just weirdness. Like I said, weird alley-ooping was my hero ever since like elementary school. And so I just do stupid, silly things. And then eventually I wasn't good at comedy for my first three years. My first three years was just like trying to get, you know, comfortable on stage, figuring out how to write. And then just through sheer determination, I got the hang of it. So I don't know. And I just, just, I think of something funny. I say it, my mind works too often. I just think of things way too much, which is why I like Twitter just because it's like, oh, I thought of something. I'll put this down and come back to it later. Maybe. Yeah. And you say your mother's very supportive of your comedy. Is there any other families or is there a dad who's been to your shows as well? Uh, my stepdad has been to my shows many times. Funny story. Actually, he came to a show recently and he very much doesn't like Voldemort. He's like, I like light, vulgar material. Like he's always like, I'll go to your show. I just hope those other comments don't curse very much. I don't like all that cursing. Is he Irish? He started that out with a brogue, I believe. No, he's very Jewish. He's very Jewish. You're like, I didn't like your comedy. I mean, I got it. And I get the kind of pained preface to every sentence, you know, the, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, what you just saw my act i don't know my favorite is when they'll tell me what would make you think but i love when they'll tell you a street joke that you will finish the punchline too and they'll say yeah yeah you should use that i give you permission to use this joke that my uncle sent me through email yeah further that was published in truly tasteless jokes 25 years ago yeah i just had that happen uh i think last saturday i was walking with these two guys and um i'm like right at my car wanting so badly to go in but of course you know the guy says oh let me tell you this joke and of course after three four minutes oh shit i told it wrong you know i mean like because i'm sitting everybody's staring at the guy telling it going like i don't get it nobody gets it it's like when a little kid tells a joke so these two guys and then and then they come no no no no no it's one guy start over my favorite is when someone will tell you like a racist joke but they'll tell it to you as if it's not a joke like for example uh i think i think this was the joke the dad told me hey why don't you throw stones at a mexican on a bicycle like i don't know why might be your bicycle i'm like oh that's kind of funny he's like no seriously no i really mean it you might damage your own property you don't want to do that insurance won't cover it if it's self-inflicted and then he handed you a pamphlet inviting each other to a meeting see but if you if you follow comedy over the years you see how for example speaking of ethnic humor for example that joke originally started what did the black kid get for christmas right my bike that's an old joke um the old polish jokes are now the old jokes you notice when you read blonde jokes those are the old polish jokes yeah and they're morphing nowadays yeah i think it's to the point now um where the youth today the kids today wouldn't even understand what you meant if you told them a polack joke they would say what's a polack they don't know what a polack is probably yeah the polacks they fell off the map they did i have a lot of polish in my family i'm actually sad to see that falling off it's like did we not get the good pr firm like how are we you had a good run we had a good run i did does anyone know how that started um that i guess stereotype that polls are so abysmally dumb well suppose it's from world war ii and the way that the apparently the germans just went into poland the the the polish people just basically laid down for them or tried to fight them with pitchforks and shit so it had to do from world war ii i believe okay there's your family history now sad way to get a stereotype you get completely slaughtered by the nazis and now you're considered dumb for well 30 40 years those are the things that i'm trying to say i'm trying to say i'm trying to say all time but we dropped off yeah and aren't there like uh half a dozen countries that could be considered equally as dumb including france including you know yeah why doesn't like parts of you know eastern europe did the dumb monitor nad you're also you know you're writing very witty you obviously are a grammarian you also have a podcast where you get to express your grammarian vernacular viewpoint right good alliteration yes my buddy eric barnes and i uh weekly wednesdays uploaded to itunes and i'm a little bit of a nerd but i'm a little bit of a nerd i'm a little bit of a nerd host dictionary diatribe it's only 30 minutes it's a nice easy breezy read every episode is a different letter every letter we do a word from the letter for example a is for adventure and it's just a fun time through the alphabet you can increase your vocabulary you can impress your friends that you know what flummery means as i do now it's educational you're like the sesame street of podcasting yes exactly but we talk about dicks way more he said dick i told you i curse sometimes it is funny sometimes i think people are like i'm not a dick i'm not a dick i'm not a dick i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i'm a dicks i And is she a doctor? Yeah, she's a physical therapist. She has a PhD. Yeah, but she looks like a lady that you would meet at the Foxfire in Anaheim. Which, for those of you listening out there, is like a world-renowned cougar bar. It's been around for quite some time. I have yet to visit, but Nat, if you're in. The Why Not Lounge is a world-renowned cougar bar as well, so I got the mental image. Oh, anyway, the point of that is she posts on Facebook every day. She'll post some new kind of odd fact about the derivation of a certain word or the habits of a certain animal or something like that, and I get a kick out of reading it each and every day. Yeah. Guys, we're going to go ahead and move along. We want to thank you, Nat, for joining us. You're welcome to stick around to the end of the show. We might ask you your opinion on some of the stuff that we're going to get into. Oh, I would love to. Chris, what are we going to get into next? Well, I think we're supposed to do What If, but as you recall, I think I did my What If during our greatest disappointments. Oh, is it Sal's Week? Of course it's Sal's Week. Yeah, man. Chris, we have a format in front of you. I don't know what's wrong with me today, man. You know why? Because you had a double shot instead of a quadruple shot. Normally, Chris gets quadruple shot coffees. Today, he gets a double shot. What the hell is that? What are you going to do with that? I didn't have time for the coffee beans, so I stopped at 7-Eleven and bought one of those cans. I don't even feel it. It was a waste of money. It's a waste of money. It really is. Anyway, so let's do that. Let's kick off Sal's Weekly Rant. Yeah, but we got a sponsor. Who is our sponsor for Sal's Weekly Rant today? And this is a new sponsor, no less. Chris is opening up his bad motherfucker wallet. You've had that same wallet, though. I've known Chris about six years. He's had the same wallet. He's had it since Pulp Fiction came out. Yes. It was a gift, so I don't know how to replace it. If I did, I would just get a new one. But anyway, our sponsor for this week's Sal's Weekly Rant is Floyd's Barbershop in Studio City. Oh, hot tattooed women. We were just talking about them when we started the show. 11-700 Moorpark Street, corner of Moorpark and Colfax. Studio City, 91604. Phone number's 980-9900. Basic haircut's $21, man. Yeah. And there's always a million stylists there, so you're in and out. And it's very sexy. Just being in Floyd's, you feel sexy and young. It's cool. I mean, if you've never been in it, you've at least driven past it. And the walls are covered in these really cool rock and roll posters. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They have like a hip rock and roll motif going on. And they do have the obligatory three black guys on the wall. That is Dr. Dre, Jimi Hendrix, and Tupac. Yeah, the African-American Trinity. Can you just say for a rock and roll haircut, are you the least rock and roll haircut? Yeah, I go in there and I tell them, make me look like a Republican. So they know not to try some crazy shit on me. Because, yeah, chicks always want to do that to me. Whenever they cut my hair, they want to like use their fingers to groom my hair. Yeah. You know, and that kind of messy look, which I can't stand it. I'm just too OCD. It's got a lot of... I look symmetrical. Yeah. I can't have, you know, that bedhead. And frankly, I think it's pretentious. When you see a guy who's, you know, 40 years old walking around with a 20-year-old haircut, it just looks to me like a man who just refuses to accept the fact that he's aged instead of, you know... It's over. Right. Is this a reference to me shaving my head bald because I have thinning hair, Chris? Is this a thinly veiled reference? That's what a man does. He takes responsibility. He accepts things, you know. But I'm talking about the guy who spends half an hour making it look like he didn't comb his hair. Anyway, we just stomped all over our sponsor here. But yeah, go see... Welcome to Chris's rant for the week. That was Chris's rant. Go see the woman. You can't... Her name is Marissa Weber. She cuts my hair. I specifically asked for her. She looks like a Barbie doll with anime eyes. Anime eyes. Wow. I wish my hair would grow faster so I could see her more often. Anyway, yeah, give them a call. You guys, 818-980-9900. They're open seven days a week. Floyd's Barbershop. And now Sal's weekly rant. Nick, hit it. In 1996, a friend from the gym was an engineer on the construction of the Los Angeles Metro subway. He asked me if I'd like a tour. We put on hard hats and took a makeshift elevator down, down, down to the pits of North Hollywood. I felt like a coal miner surrounded by rock and dirt. I saw welders with masks. I saw men in shirts. I saw men in ties with hard hats, of course, carrying plans rolled into scrolls. Worth mentioning was the giant, horizontal, man-driven drill burrowing its way from the San Fernando Valley into Hollywood, underneath Universal Studios. This drill could have been a theme park attraction all its own. I saw history in the making. A subway coming to Los Angeles. My visit was brief, however. I suffer from a mild case of claustrophobia. When I returned to street level... I was welcomed by the sunlight and air, and incessant traffic that is Lancashire Boulevard. Minutes earlier, I was a Morlock. I now stood among the Eloy. My, how time flies. The LA Metro was not, and is not, merely about transportation. It was, and is, political. Civic leaders fought tooth and nail, some for, others against. And when it was completed, there was a consorted effort to encourage the public to partake in the underground train. Go Metro was the slogan. I, as someone who grew up on public transportation, notably the Metro's predecessor, the RTD, was reluctant to take the subway. I'm just not fond of public transportation. I'm from Los Angeles. I like my car. There's no climate control on the subway. And there are no sites underground. I like sites. I like seeing new things. What if I need to use the bathroom? My fellow castmates from Skid Row Studios own Bad Advice decided to take the subway to the show and leave behind some of the public's favorite movies. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's The Subway. They were inspired by the show's Toyota FJ Cruiser enjoying laughs and privacy, and he didn't mind if I had a snack. Did you know you'll be fined $250 for eating or drinking on the subway? I parked my car at the Metro lot in North Hollywood, returning to it later that afternoon to find a ticket on the windshield. It seems my vehicle's registration had expired and I was cited, either by the Sheriff's Department or the armed security personnel who patrol the lots. I was one day past due. Let me repeat myself, I was one day past due. My registration expired August 31st and this was September 1st. Even the heartless LAPD would offer a grace period of a month or two. I've never heard of anyone, anyone getting cited for being one day late on their registration, let alone in a lot owned by the Metro. Do they want riders? What happened to Go Metro? Why should they care if I'm one day late? I wasn't parked in properly. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't creating a nuisance. I was a passenger. I was a passenger just getting comfortable with the idea of taking a subway. I was a paying customer. Would you imagine being cited at Disneyland for being one day late on your car's registration? Last Saturday, after another episode of Bad Advice, we rode the subway back to North Hollywood from downtown. As we exited the train and made our way up the staircase, all of the passengers who had just exited were stopped by police. By police. And asked to show our tickets to prove having paid the fare. Am I so old that I would hope to be? Am I so old that I would hope for and expect to see a uniformed employee, perhaps with a light blue shirt and tie, asking for my ticket? Perhaps a conductor type saying, tickets? Tickets please? Instead, we're approached by gun carrying police as though I have committed a crime? While this criminal is staying above ground with the Eloy, Go Metro? No, fuck Metro. That's Sal's weekly rant. Thank you, Nick. Boy, am I sorry I missed that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. That's a nice way to end the day. I just feel like a lot of places in California want to give you a ticket just to get some extra money flowing into our budget. I got a ticket recently because I bought an overnight park and pass when I was with my ex-girlfriend to park on her street. Come to my car the next morning, there's a ticket. I think, oh, this is clearly a mistake. I paid for the ticket. I forgot to write my license plate number on the ticket itself, even though my debit card that I used to purchase said ticket was on the ticket itself saying I purchased. It's like, no, I can prove I bought this. And they're like, oh, well, no, you have to pay us an extra $50 now because you forgot to do this little fine print thing that we don't tell you about. Now, this takes place in Florida, right? This is not just Los Angeles. This is nationwide. This city is trying to grab the citizens by their ankles and shake them down. I have never been anywhere that so shamelessly and aggressively exploits and targets. It's in the very denizens of itself. This city is, I mean, there is no element of community in this city. And I believe in it. I believe it to a great extent that that's the reason why. The fact that this city preys on people. I mean, with that, did I ever tell you about the time I got a parking ticket for not having a front license plate? And then they wrote me a second ticket for the same offense 16 hours later. Not even the next day. That is double jeopardy. I know. Don't they let you, well, you just got a ticket. Let's not give you a ticket for a few days. Yeah, don't they see that Ashley Judd movie? Here's the best part. Both those tickets were on a Saturday. So whoever wrote them knew that on Sunday, most things aren't open. It wasn't possible for me to correct. The problem the next day, I had to wait till Monday, but they still went ahead and wrote me that second ticket. Yeah. Yeah, man. Hey, listen. So what do you want to do, Chris? We're running short on time here. You already gave, delivered your what if. You want to go ahead and go into what if anyway? Whereas now you will deliver your greatest disappointments. Perfect. Well, all right. I'll just jump into it. I was doing my first, it was actually the first time I left LA to do a road gig. It's the now defunct Oroville, California casino. Yeah, it's notorious for breaking even the best of us. And while I was there, I mean, I just had a terrible show, but I get off stage and there's this nice, what I thought was a couple. And they're at a table and they bring me over and they said, you were great, man. They said, it's just this place. Well, here's where things get weird. The guy, they tell me at some point that they're not a couple. I assume they were, but they're not. And they said, no, no, no, we're just friends. And the guy claimed that he was there as some kind of sound tech, sound engineer that was working on some problem or improving their house PA system. She was just a friend who came along for the ride. Sweet lady. I mean, very well built, very maternal. And at that age, I was maybe 28, 29 at the time. Hands down, you know, the oldest woman that I, you know, I would consider I'd found myself attracted to. But like I said, very, you know, just very well spoken, everything else. And, but she, you know, she's casually drinking beers, Budweiser's. And over the course of an hour or two, she became a whole different person. And let me just say that she had that kind of maternal body, that young women that only, they develop with age. You know what I mean? That kind of, that brings out kind of a carnal longing inside a man. You know? You've said maternal three times on the show today. Do you have a mommy issue? Just very, very full body. Something very Oedipal about this. Yeah. And I mean, just, just enormous breasts. And so little by little, I started kind of, you know, throwing compliments her way, you know, lighthearted compliments her way. And anyway, she goes, hey, let's, you know, let's dance. So I go dance with her and I go, well, listen, it's been nice meeting you, but I'm going to, you know, I'm going to get going now. And she goes, oh, you know, I wish I was staying or something like that. And I said, no, fuck. If you want to, I'm in room 515. If you want to come up, come up. So long story short, she says, listen, I'm going to be here for another hour. I go, cool. I leave and I go to try and have dinner. And there's this big to do where they won't take that, the coupon kind of thing that they gave me for performing there. And they have me waiting like half an hour until the manager comes down to clear it and this and that. So by the time this thing is resolved, I run back up to my room. Somebody had called the phone and not left a message. I don't know if it was her. I wanted it so badly. I actually called the local like newspaper publication, one of those kind of like those Craigslist near miss kind of ads saying like, Hey, it was this night. I was here. I was the comic. If this is you call me. It was misconnection. I want to, uh, maternal lady with the great boobs. I want to write that wrong. Your turn, Sal. All right. Real quickly here. Listen, I was in junior high school. I used to play the violin. I was a little poor Latino kid. I was given a full ride scholarship to the Beverly Hills, Alexander Hamilton high school of the performing arts. I could have gone. Instead, I wanted to go to the stupid San Fernando junior high school with my friends. Turned it down. What if, what if I would have gone to the fame school? Of our area, Alexander Hamilton school of performing arts. That is my what if, however, brief. Listen guys, we've got to wrap it up. Listen, we got a very special, I'm going to be tonight on the weekly wrap up with Ken August and drew marks tonight on Sirius satellite radio channel 103. Check that out. Anybody listening? Nat, where can we see you and hear you? Uh, you can find me on Twitter at Nat Baymel. You can find me on Facebook. I'm the only Nat Baymel in existence. My website, NatBaymel.com. I'm easy to find my schedules up on all those places. Uh, this upcoming week, Wednesday, I'll be at the Pongkang. House at Galvis Pong house at the MI theater in Santa Monica and Thursday 10 PM. I'll be on the comedy juice show at the ice house in Pasadena. Chris, where are you going to be? I will be at La Mesa grill and La Mesa, California tonight at 7 PM. Um, and, uh, next Friday I'll be performing in, uh, San Juan Capistrano and, uh, yeah, that's it. And, uh, look me up on, uh, on Twitter, uh, Chris Z 34. And don't forget to like us on Facebook guys. The more you like us, the more pictures we'll post. And, uh, yeah. Everybody. Thank you for listening to. Registered ear offenders. Want to thank Nicholas Chacon, our sound engineer. Want to thank Chris Z, myself, Sal Rodriguez, Nat Baymel, our wonderful guests. We want to thank Wes Hembright, orange dog music for providing some of our music today. Thank you for listening. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm stepping up and never coming down. I have got so much, so much to worry about. I am stepping up and never coming down. I'm feeling so high, hypnotized all night looking at you. Cause you're so fine, hypnotized all night looking for you.