Pilot episode with panelists discussing news stories and giving bad advice

Welcome, everybody, to the pilot episode of Bad Advice. Bad Advice, the show where the advice is free and worth every penny. Now, here on Bad Advice, people can ask questions on any subject at all, and myself and my fellow comics here on the panel will help you out. We're completely trained. We're unqualified. But we're here to give you the advice you need. So, I think we've all been there when someone asks you for advice and you're left with a choice. Do you tell them what you think you should say or what you really want to say? Well, here, the gloves are off. You're allowed to say exactly what you want. All right? Now, in addition to offering advice to the people that ask, we'll also be helping out some people in the news that we feel could benefit from the advice, whether they ask for it or not. You can call us live here on Bad Advice. We're at Skid Row Studios. You can reach us at 1-800-893-9562. Or you can also check us out on Facebook at Bad Advice. Or you can text us directly at 310-490-8508. I want to thank the great people here at Skid Row Studios for hosting us. Let's get started. You guys ready? Ready to rock. All right. Let's meet our panel real quick. We have... Fantastic comic. Good friend of mine. Chris Z is here. Hey, everybody. How you doing? All right. Got another friend of mine. You'll also recognize him as co-host of the weekly wrap-up. And he's my good friend. Very funny man. Fantastic writer. Mr. Kenneth August is with us. Happy to be here. Nice. Another comic friend of mine. Absolutely fantastic comic. If you ever get a chance, go and see him live. Vince Royale has joined us. Hey, hey, hey. All right. Vince is drinking. I'm sorry. It's early. But hey, Vince is here. Hey, it's loud. We've also got another fantastic comic. You've seen him all over the country. Just got back from a tour in New York. Say hello to Marco Asante. What's up, guys? All right. Hey, you said friend to everybody else, but you didn't... You noticed that, didn't you? Oh. He's not your friend. My good friend, Marco Asante. I don't think your mic's on, dude. There you go. There we go. Oh, we missed it. Marco, say hello. What I did say was hello, and then I noticed that every other guy was his friend except me, so... That's because I felt a little uncomfortable saying special friend. A little bit of a sense of... I don't consider him my friend. He apparently considers me his friend, though. Well, maybe now by the end of the show, things could be different. I think a lot's going to change by the end of this first program. A lot of... Listen, a lot of things are changing by the end of this first program. Friendships will be formed. More friendships will be lost. My freedom could be changed by the end of this first show. And joining us soon is Vic Cohen as well. If Marco figures out how to work his mic, though, then he gets friend status, I'm pretty sure. No? No, I just wrote, he's not my friend. All right, well, look, we're going to start today's show with some real-life stories about people from across the world that I feel could benefit from some advice. These are actually real people. We're going to be calling them out by name and trying to help them out a little bit. We'll start... First story comes from right here in sunny Southern California. We have a gentleman by the name of Michael Kevin Liana of Fullerton, California. Mr. Liana was convicted of ejaculating into a co-worker's water bottle. Not once, but twice. Two separate occasions. He apparently had a woman at work and on two separate occasions filled her water bottles with something that was not from the Brita filter. He did receive, he was found guilty. He received a $27,000 fine as well as 180 days behind bars. Now, the victim sent the water for testing because she claimed, it tasted strange. Strange or familiar? Could be both. Drew, I know you're trying to keep it clean here, but you're going to have to be a little more specific on specifically what fluid that was. We get that it was an organic fluid, but the body produces many... Oh, there was... There was... Okay. Now, here's my question. Is this guy a pervert or perhaps just a misguided entrepreneur? Maybe he had the best of intentions. Why not give him the benefit of a doubt? Well, I'm thinking, you know, it's like he could just... Pardon the pun, did Johnny come lately to the vitamin water crate? See, this is what they call the lamestream media. Is it possible that maybe he overheard... Maybe he... Maybe he overheard her... Sorry, I thought my mic cut out. No, no, you're fine. Maybe he overheard her over lunch talking about how she has, you know, some kind of iron deficiency or something like that and he was just... Wouldn't it be more of a protein deficiency? Well, here's my question. He filled up two bottles? Two bottles. How in the world do you fill up two bottles? Is my question. How in the world do you fill up two bottles? Is my question. And how long did it take after the first bottle for him to rest up? Because usually after that first bottle, I take a nap. Well, I'm just guessing here, but I'm thinking that it wasn't filled with the semen. I'm guessing it was mostly water with a little bit of semen. Oh, okay, that defines a lot. You know, like a flavored. Is it like iced tea where you have to find the right amount in order to make it taste proper? That could be. But now here's a question. If you are going to put something in there, something into a drink, in this case, semen, why would you choose water? Like, couldn't you see anything? I mean, water is about the clearest, most pure thing that you could choose. I'm thinking put it in something that maybe it's not as detectable, like a cream soda or a smoothie. Correct. Cream for the coffee. First of all, how do you think cream soda got its name right off the bat, by the way? That's how it started. It started as regular soda and then somebody got angry at somebody else. It's a good question. It's a good question. They just jerked off into their soda. That's nice. I have a question. What was the gentleman's name? My name is Gus and I did that. No, no. No, I understand. Michael Kevin Layano of Fullerton. My only question is, everybody else is not drinking water. I am. Mike does not work here at this office, does he, by any chance? He does not. But okay, you bring up a good point. We could do a test. A taste test? Yeah. Like, we can test and see if you could, in fact, detect. Is this Pepsi? Is this Pepsi? I'm going to pass on my beer. I'm passing on the Pepsi. I'm going to pass on the Pepsi. I'm going to test. I'm done. Me and Vince are out. The shock top is actually creamy enough. And you're welcome for that, by the way. I love it. Two o'clock in the afternoon and we're drinking. I like the fact that apparently she sent the bottle off to an expert. She wasn't just like, hey, this tastes funny. I'll stop drinking. Yeah, my water tastes like cum. I'm going to pay to have this overnighted to a laboratory. I'm going to send this to Aaron Brockovich and see the semen level. It tastes kind of weird. It's kind of fruity. Yeah, that's a little different than I think this is diet. Can you take this back? As opposed to, you know what? I'm going to get this. I'm going to send this to some sort of lab and get it checked out. And that's the other part. It's like, how did they identify? Oh, yeah. No, no. I know that taste. That's Kevin. That's Michael Kevin. That's clearly semen. What did she do that he did this? I'd like to know. My guess would be jerked him off. That would be my guess. The other thing is, I mean, these water bottles are small. If nothing else, credit the guy for good aim. Credit the guy for good bottles. Or he has the snuff. It's funny you should say that. Did I tell you that about a week ago? Like, this is no joke. I've been unemployed for four months. I went to see if I would make a sperm donor candidate, like a good candidate. And they ask you to ejaculate into a cup that is, you know, the size of a thimble. And I just came out and I apologized. I just said, I said, I think I got maybe 10% in there. The rest is, I left a tip for the custodian. 7. I literally left a $10 bill for the custodian on the table. I'm sorry about this, guys. That's why they leave a mop in that room now. And to make matters worse, they tell you not to use your functions for three days before you come in. So it's that much worse. You could have basically sent them a bill for your painting the room. It was like a 4th of July firework show. They said, sir, go into this room and fill up this water bottle. Is that what they said? Yeah, in my case, it was a little bit of water sitting on top. Somebody contaminated my sample with water. Let's hope you get a job soon, Chris. All right. How much did you get paid for that? They actually rejected it. Really? Oh, man. We don't need more of you? Is that what they said? I was like, the apples don't fall far from the tree. I can't get that. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants me around. Nobody wants my semen around. Why did they reject you? What was their... They said ejected, not rejected. A very flat form letter. No specific details. It said, you know, just wasn't what they were looking for or whatever. You don't have smart looking sperm? I don't understand. Do they look at it and go, that sperm is going to make an ugly baby? That's why you have to lie about your educational background. Tell them you graduated from Harvard or something. Then they'll accept your sperm. No, it's like when you go to get an agent and you leave and they say, listen, we have too many of what you look like. Your type. Yeah, your type. So you left it like, we have too many of your type. Green eyes. The thing is, Vince, you don't want to overstate yourself when you go in there. Because eventually somebody's going to go, no, no. If you went to Harvard, what the hell are you doing here? Yeah, exactly. And you're selling sperm. You took the bus here, buddy. You didn't go to Harvard. Maybe that's part of their process of weeding people out is if you only get 10% into the thimble in the first place. You know what? It's all about the aim. They might be looking for a basketball player. I will tell you that they also had a surprisingly diverse... They had a really diverse and up-to-date collection of pornography. Yeah. Which really surprised me. Really? Because you would think going in there that they'd give you the most perfunctory... So was it in Blu-ray? No, but they had everything. Girl, girl, guy, guy. What do you... Really? It's transsexual... Feel around. Isn't this a Seinfeld episode? No. It's turning into one, but here's the thing. I'm the only white guy on earth who didn't watch Seinfeld, I think. I think we can wrap this up, though, because we need to move on to the next story. But I think the piece of advice, if we've learned nothing, is that maybe he should sell what he has instead of trying to flavor water. At least don't aim for your water bottle, for your co-worker's water bottle. Yeah. And I found from experience, they don't like that. And she should switch to Snapple, made from the best things on earth, and not your co-worker's cum. I think the lesson she learned is to never set her drink down ever again. The napkin's not enough on tap. She's going to have it in her. She's going to have it in her hand, or she throws it out. The best part of waking up. Your co-worker's semen in your cup. Thank you. Good night. All right. Moving on. We'll move across the country for our next story. All the way in Albany, New York, we have a woman by the name of Franny Trokerns. Franny works at a dancer at a local strip bar, and after a night of heavy drinking, Franny got her boyfriend to tattoo their nine-month-old baby. Nice. Now, what concerns me most about this story is I do think it brings up an issue that doesn't get enough press, and that's little whore babies. What kind of tattoo was it? I'm assuming it was a tramp stamp. Thank you. Hold on. Let's not rush to judgment. Was it her address in case the baby gets lost? I mean, that's kind of— That would be helpful. If lost, please return to home. I love mom. I love mom. Was it appropriately sized so the baby can grow into the tattoo? Yeah. How is that even possible? A head-to-toe tattoo? For a baby? You cover the shoulder. Eventually, it's just going to say, Love, mom, and it's just going to be a little thing on the back. You just got to go guess. Good luck with the aim. Yeah, he can't get a sleeve, because by the time the baby grows, it'll just be like a tribal tattoo, like a wrist. You grew wrong. Are you PC code? I don't know if I'm going off the subject, but I had an incident, and this is actually true. I had an incident where I was with a girl, and we were kind of fooling around, and she had a tattoo on her back. What do you—tram stamp? That area, and it was in like Thai or some kind of crazy land. I didn't understand. I asked her what it was, and she said it was her son's name. Seriously? I'm not even trying to be funny, and I thought, that's wrong. I agree with you. She tattooed her son's name on the back of her ass. That's a horrible place for me to come. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. What do you do? What do you tell the kid? It's like, let me show you what mommy did for you. Yes. Wipe off this stuff that's on top of it right now, and let me show you where I put your name. It's not a great thing. I'm going to play the devil's advocate on this one, Drew, and just say that, is it possible that perhaps she was— this is a way of telling her lovers, like, hey, you want to come inside me? This is what happens when you do that. Babies come out. Don't do it. Okay, you're talking about— I'm assuming you're talking about Marco's girl, because if you're talking about the baby, that is highly inappropriate. No, but you know what? They don't know that. It's written in another language. They should have, like, maybe the baby's face, on the back of the— Right, crying. With a sound effect. With some fucking diapers and a pacifier. And I just realized, if this girl actually hears this podcast, I will not be fooling around with Manny any sooner. You better get a water bottle for yourself. We need Delilah to play our love song to reconnect these two afterwards. I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. Oh, there he is. Better late than never. Let's hear it. Very, very funny man. Good friend of mine. I'm sorry, Marco. Yes, he is a good friend. Another good friend. Mr. Vic Cohen. Oh, this is amazing. I'm in the market for a stolen wristwatch. Yeah, how you doing? This is really impressive. Right up close. There you go. Yeah, nice studio. You missed our first two stories, I'm afraid. Right now, just to catch up, what we're talking about is a woman in Albany, New York, who works as a dancer at a local strip club. After a night of heavy drinking, convinced her boyfriend that they should tattoo their nine-month-old baby. Nice. Right, what's the problem? Well, here's the thing. When they talk about heavy drinking, do you think it was just the mother? Because everyone I have ever known that got a tattoo was drinking themselves. Yeah, I'm assuming the baby shit-faced. Do you think the baby was absolutely wasted? I think you should check the bottle. You should certainly check the bottle for sure. Yeah. There's a good chance that baby was shit-faced. I would think so. Was it the E-Trade baby? Because the E-Trade baby seems to have a shit together, so he can get that. But outside of that... Do you really think the E-Trade baby's mom is working at a local strip club? Yes, I do. And he's taking... Yes, I do. He's like, I took mom's tips and I'm investing. You know what? He's probably just preparing the baby, grooming the baby to have a career in pole dancing. There is no grooming. If you tattoo your baby, it is gonna be a stripper. I really don't see the problem. Really? I mean, you know, I mean, these, you know, a lot of people pierce their ears, like the kids, the babies. What's wrong with a little tattoo? Yeah, babies get circumcised. What's an appropriate tattoo for a baby? Baby. Well, that would be... Did they have the baby at the strip club? Did they have the baby at the strip club with them? Stop talking to me. I'm a baby. That's what I want tattooed on my baby's back. Is the baby a... Was it a girl baby or... It doesn't actually say. Because it's kind of hot. I mean, not to be creepy. A little too late. Too late. Look at that baby. I think you already crossed the creepy thread. He can't come over the top. He goes in strong. I like this guy. No, I mean, a nine-month-old in a diaper and a hot tattoo. I mean... Well, here's the thing. What I would question is, okay, let's say now that this kid is starting preschool. You know the other babies are gonna have... Certain assumptions. They're gonna be like, I am so gonna hit that. But how long do they have to wait? Well, first of all, hey, Marco. Yeah. This creepy bastard was also a friend. So that should make you feel slightly worse. But, okay. Or better. Or better. Or better. Drew, I gotta say, though, when I first read our itinerary, our list of prompts, I thought that the stripper had gotten the likeness of her baby tattooed on her. I completely misunderstood. No, no, no, no. This baby is on an episode of Inked. It is... Okay, all right. It is full-color baby. It is full-color baby. This baby is also dating Jesse James, I believe. Is that not true? That would make sense to me. If she had gotten... A tattoo of her baby? Of her baby on her, because chances are she's going to lose that baby to protective services at some point. She might want to remember what it looked like. Right. We need to find more information. This is all I have. I am really... We can try and get the baby in here. Let's speak to Franny. Where is Franny right now? I wish the audience could see Drew's... Drew's kind of set list here. It's literally... It's so basic that it might have been this will be a whisper of a rumor of... Here's the funny thing. We have our first call, so maybe we have someone who knows something about this baby. Wait, is this the first call ever for the whole show? The first call for... This is history. I hope it's the baby. This is history making. I really hope it's the baby calling. I hope it has an interpreter. Go, go. Okay, go call her. Hey, it's Jason. I'm from Culver City, and I need some bad advice. Oh, Jason, welcome to the show, buddy. Our first caller. You may win a prize, but let's see. What's your advice? What's your question for us? This is my situation. It has nothing... It has nothing to do with semen or babies. Then I'm afraid we have nothing to say. Yeah, I may have nothing for you, but we'll give it a shot. I work for a major insurance company, and I work out in the field. Okay. I'm currently parked on a street in Beverly Hills, California, and the meter maid has... It's two-hour parking. The meter maid has come and chalked all the cars. Should I now go that she's left and wipe all the chalk off of these cars and save everybody a ticket, or should I let these Beverly Hills jerks all get their parking tickets and pay them? I would say take a look at each vehicle. Any vehicle that's under $20,000, you know that that person's hurting and needs help. But these rich pricks, stick it to them, man. Yeah. Do you think there is... What part of... You said you're in Beverly Hills? I'm parked on Maple Drive in Beverly Hills at Wilshire Boulevard. Is there a car that's worth under $20,000 there? It's a lot of Range Rovers and Beamers. That's what I'm saying. Let them get the ticket. Take care of yourself. I know. I was going to say, don't get a ticket. Welcome to the show with the 99%. I know a little bit about sales, and it sounds like it's a little bit of a slow day in the field there. This is what you're concerned about is whether you should be wiping chalk off of tires with not a lot of insurance appointments? If you were black, I wouldn't piss off the cops. Are you wearing a hoodie? You know, the city of L.A. is their money, too. I mean, they're broke. They're trying to raise their money. And these people can obviously afford to pay it. But at the same time, if somebody saw my tire chalked, I'd want them to wipe the chalk off for me. Has anybody ever wiped the chalk off for you? How would I know? I would stay away from that. It's cold that our first question was such a sexy one. I know. I mean, we just went from semen and water to tattoo babies to insurance. Now, I don't know why people feel that insurance is a boring thing. I mean, how could you possibly feel that way after this? I'm looking for some bad advice here. Well, I think you should then wipe the chalk off all of them. No. Well, yeah. That's bad advice. That is bad advice. But so would this. And that is, I think you should pick a random four cars and key them. That is bad advice. And then blame it on the meter maid. That is bad. Do that. Yes. Blame it on the meter maid. Those jerks will buy some insurance if I do that. That's not bad. If you can buy yourself some chalk, wipe off the chalk on the tires, and then under where you parked, write in chalk, go fuck yourself, and then, take off. I think that's nice for the meter maid to see. Actually, you know what? If you have the chalk, I say go to one of the, like, most expensive vehicles and draw a chalk outline of a body under the tire. And just make them wonder for when they come back. Do you actually have chalk on you? I don't. I imagine I could get some. Get some chalk, yeah. As a matter of fact, I do. I have chalk on me. This guy's a real forward thinker. I mean, he's thinking about creating his own opportunities here. You know, yeah. Damage the vehicle. Stand there. And when the people come out and go, I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it. Yeah, take my card. We'll get this settled. What kind of insurance do you have? Have you seen the meter maid? I mean, is she hot? No. Yeah, yeah. She's a hot one. I haven't seen the meter maid and I can answer that question. Sometimes they're pretty hot. Sometimes they are. I haven't jerked off for over a meter maid in weeks. I like it, Jason. You know, here's the good thing. Bad or good advice. That you not only thought about yourself, you thought about everybody else. So you get props for that. Yeah, you are. In fact, you should follow me everywhere I park. Just, you know. The fact that you're that courteous, I assume you're not from Beverly Hills. Do you carry quarters? I mean, you could just put change into the meter. It's two hours. It doesn't matter how much. Yeah, two hour parking limit. I was listening, Jason. I wasn't. I fell asleep in the word insurance. All right, Jason. I hope we were able to help a little bit, buddy. Hey, thanks for the bad advice, guys. All right, man. You have a great day. You're a fine human being. I did. I have at one point gotten a ticket 16 hours apart for the same offense. I mean, that to me is insane. You don't even give somebody a day to fix it. And it was on a Sunday, no less, when nothing's open to fix the problem. So what I did is... Aren't you supposed to leave the ticket on your dashboard when that happens, though? Yeah. I still have a ticket on my dashboard from 1978. I'm hoping that works. Well, the problem out here with these tickets is that they're punitive. I mean, it's crazy what they charge. Yeah. I mean, it's not... Who can pay this? It's like a 20,000... It's like a 20,000% markup. It's a $20,000 ticket. From a quarter to a $63 ticket. Oh, yeah. Chris, what was the offense that you got ticketed for twice? I did not have any way to post my front license plate on my car. That makes more sense. I was thinking rape. So I stuck it. I actually stuck it in... You get a ticket for rape. You get a ticket. I stuck it in the windshield. Only if you did it in your car. So I stuck it in the windshield. And sure enough, again, the same offense. 16 hours later, they write me another ticket. So I went to Studio City. I went to Moore Park and to Hunga. It's like kind of the heart of Studio City. And I literally made eye contact with the guy with the meter maid and I was feeding quarters to the meter. Like as he was coming towards me, I was walking backwards feeding quarters to the meter to punish him the way... And that meter maid went home and went, wow, this dude had the hots for me. All right, guys. I got to interrupt because we got another story that actually goes right in line with this whole car thing. For this story, we moved to Florida. We say hello to one Megan Barnes. Now, apparently, just outside of Miami in Florida, Megan crashed into the back of a pickup truck while going about 45 miles an hour. She claimed her reaction time was slowed because she was shaving her crotch while driving because she was on her way to a date and she wanted to be ready for the visit. That's beautiful. Isn't that fantastic? And that's why you have to wax. Does this story come with a phone number? I think the cops should have provided her a police escort to get to their destination. I mean, you should. Not only should we, like, just encourage this sort of behavior, but I think we should work with these people. I got to try it. What about a carpool lane? A carpool lane is nice. What was great is... Keep the diamond shape. Go ahead. She's got a great explanation. Was it a landing strip? And where did the rays end up? She's got a great explanation for the Knicks, you know, down there. The way I was just rearing was... You ready for this? The story gets weirder. She was on her way to meet this date. She was in the car with her ex-husband who was helping her get to the date because she was working the pedals and apparently the ex-husband was holding the wheel. That's a good man. And he was taking her to meet this guy. Now, what's a shame is with this story, there is, in fact, a picture. Now, why they showed the woman's face, I don't understand because that's not really part of the story. Right. What did she look like? Was she good-looking? She was not. No, I assumed if she was good-looking enough, she doesn't get a ticket. You're good-looking enough, you can ram into anything you want at 45 miles per hour. You're not getting a ticket. It's amazing. Especially if you go, sorry, I was shaving my vagina. No, they gave her a ticket. It's a fix-it ticket. You gotta just shave the rest of your ass. But it's a fix-it ticket for the car. We'll be fine. This is just a warning. Did she have the bowl of water on her dashboard? That's the other thing. It's like, I'm assuming it had to be a wax thing because it would be really weird to have the husband's holding the bowl of water with the shaving cream and you're like just shaking it out the window. Wait, wait. The ex-husband was driving her to see a date. He was holding the steering wheel. He was holding the steering wheel. He was holding the steering wheel. She was working the pedals. And that's why they crashed. How everybody does it when you're shaving your vagina while driving. Oh, okay. I believe those two should get back together. That's a good call. I get it. It's like, you know, a lot of women do their makeup in their car. This is just the next step. I say back off. It's not like she was texting. I got a Brazilian on the 405. Is that a ticketable? Is there a ticket for that? No. You would think that goes without saying. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that that had to be a great ticket. Like, you know, when you're looking at it where they write the explanation. There's a code for that. There's a code for that. Is there? Yeah. Do you know what that is? It's a penal code. I would love to be in court if they tried to fight the ticket. That is fantastic. That would be beautiful when they start explaining that to the judge. I wasn't doing it. Look how giant my bush is. Look at it. How was the date is what I want to know. The good news is I shaved for you. The bad news is it's a bloody mess. Look at all these bumps. Did she ever make it to the date? Did she show up at the guy's house with half a Hitler mustache? I hate it when a vagina talks German at me. That's horrible. But this is also an excuse. My vagina's a Nazi. Any lady who has... That would suck for me being a Jew. Yeah. That would not be good. I don't think there's any excuse for now for any women who said they didn't have time to shave. I mean, here's a lady who was doing it on the road. It's good dedication. Good dedication. You know what? You can only do that in L.A. because there's a lot of traffic. Especially on the 5 or the 405. So far, we like Megan and Franny's out. Yeah. Oh, well, if you like Franny, you'll love this next one. I think she was a hooker, by the way. I think she was a hooker and that guy, her husband, was her pimp. Was her pimp. Yeah. And she's getting ready, the merchandise ready. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. He's like the bodyguard. Oh, in that case, kudos to him. Can we slow this down with another insurance call? No. Jason's gone. All right. But here, if you like her, check this out. We have Brooke Burke of North Olmstead, Ohio. Nice. Brooke Burke was charged with assault and disorderly conduct. Apparently, Brooke was at a wedding and she went after the bride because the bride repeatedly asked her to stop slow dancing with the groom. Here's the thing. It is, they say this woman is believed to be the bride's sister-in-law. Now, I'm not good with all family things, but if she's the bride's sister-in-law, doesn't that make her the groom's sister? And this wasn't a West Virginia wedding? Ohio. Okay, close enough. But here's the thing. How, look, I understand people go to weddings to get laid, but really, you're picking the groom who's your brother? You take what you can get. Let's go back to Megan. Inbreeding is popular nowadays. I honestly can't think of a more uncomfortable situation. I mean, it's bad enough to have to break up a slow dance, but to go like, you realize that this, that this is unnatural and probably against the law, right? I'm going to break up this slow dance because... Why judge? Don't you hurt me. Don't you hurt me. In defense, I will say this. There's never been, other than this one, there's never been anybody else's wedding video I've wanted to watch. More than this one right here. I don't have sisters, so I can't really judge. You know, I've only had brothers. I mean, I don't know what it's like to have a sister and what really goes on. Wow. Kim Kardashian. I have a sister and I can tell you what doesn't go on. Yeah. Or what shouldn't. You know what's also funny about all these stories? I'm always imagining the hottest woman in the world. Of course. You know, like that girl shaving herself. She probably weighed like 800 pounds. Oh, yeah. She was just pulling folds of fat. That was after the diet. You guys just don't want to let... The passenger was using his left hand to hold her belly up. I might... I should have named that story for later since apparently the panel does not want to let go of the vagina shaving driver. No. That's what people want to talk about. That should have been your closer, closer... This Brooke Burt, though, maybe just, you know, playing devil's advocate in her defense, maybe her brother is just a really good dancer. I would say we'll tell you, Drew, I read this story when it first aired on Yahoo News and no comment from the brother. I find that interesting. Like, did he just try and play, you know, play the fence, like not come out here? Whose side are you on? Are you going to do your sister or are you going to do your wife? Well, here, maybe he's hedging his bets in case things don't work out with the bride. He wants to have his sister on the side. Any chance we get both of them? I think... Who hasn't had a wild Vegas weekend with your sister once or twice? You're fine. I think if Kim Kardashian was my sister, I'd slow dance with her. I'm not into her at all. I think if Kim Kardashian was your sister, you already would have had a sex tape with her, by the way. Yeah. That's a good chance. All right, now look, are we going to move on? Wedding wouldn't last too long. We're going to move on? Check this out. Now, I'm apologizing in advance for this next story. All right? To us or to the listeners? I like how there's been no apologies. To everyone who knows me. To the guy who's currently wiping all the chalk off the cars in Beverly Hills. Sorry. For this next story, we go to Rochelle Chapman from Nightdale, North Carolina. At Rochelle's bachelor party, Rochelle was playfully pushed into a swimming pool by one of her bridesmaids, where Rochelle hit her head on the bottom of the pool and was left paralyzed. I heard about this, yeah. Yeah. This, obviously, an unpleasant story, but not unfunny. I see. Tough comedy topic. Do you think so? Yeah, no, we'll talk about the Holocaust. All right, well, here's the thing. First of all, I commend Rochelle because she still had this woman as a bridesmaid, which is fantastic because you've got to assume that's a little uncomfortable. Yeah. But now, here's the thing. Rochelle Chapman has found the positive in this experience. She has not only entered a pageant in her home state for... A swimming contest. No, she... Oh. The float? No, no. Here's the thing. She entered the Miss Wheelchair pageant where she was a runner-up. I never miss that. I don't know if runner-up is the right phrase. Yeah, can you be the runner-up? Wheelers? Runner-up? Yeah, roller-up? Yeah, roller-up. It's fine. It's fine. The first roller-up. There you go. There you go. You're fine. But here's the thing. She is writing a book on how to be sexy and in a wheelchair. Nice. Good luck. No. You don't think it's impossible? No, actually, that's one of my fantasies because they can't go anywhere. Yeah. So you just lock them down. But what exactly would make... That's not your fantasy. That's your basement. What makes it sexy and in a wheelchair? I was thinking, like, what, scented wheels? I hate to say this. Maybe the ability to get up out of the wheelchair? Is that... I'm not sure that's an option. Okay, well, then I got nothing. What was the name of the book? Troubled Outside the Marriage? No, no. I think it was, like, Rolling on Two Fours. I think was the name of her book. Nice. Pass Me My Floaties? Was that not the name of the book? Yeah. She was a runner-up. Is that what you said? Roller-up. Sexy. How can you make a wheelchair sexy? Crotchless seats. Crotchless seats? Crotchless seats. Let's go back to Vegas. Double breaks? No. That's tough. I don't know. That's got to be rough. I mean, because, like, the person's just sitting all day. Like, I would think it wouldn't be fresh down there. Well, that's the question. I've never slept with... I've never slept with, you know, She can shave. You're rolling. But here's the thing. What... I can only imagine it would be kind of like one of those life-size sex dolls, but that talks. I don't know. I've thought about this a lot, and... You're a weird man. No, it's... I've thought about this a lot. Like, I understand a little, but not a lot. I've thought about this a lot, and... Before the story. And for me, like, I like a vagina that's active. But you don't like talking to it? You don't want it to talk to you? That runs around and, you know, takes walks and... I just think it would get stagnant. It would just kind of sit... Just sitting there all day. What kind of cartoon vaginas are you dealing with? And run around. See, the problem with... You want to air it out, hit the shower once in a while? Yeah. You're right, Vic. You know, the problem with having intercourse with a paraplegic is that there's only... You're limited to certain positions. No. You can't really... Are you kidding? I think it's just the opposite. Yeah, you can fold her as long as you have enough starch in her. You can fold her in whatever position you want. How many women have you been with that's like, it's not comfortable when you put my legs up behind my head? I'm guessing this woman's like, yeah, whatever. I have a serious story, and this is funny. I had a friend who actually slept with a girl in a wheelchair, and they went on a date. He took her home, brought her up to the front, and the father opened the door and then let her in, and he walked him outside, and he says, thank you very much. He's like, for what? He's like, most people leave her at the door. Ouch. Oh. Nice. Ouch. That would be fine. That would be fine as long as the sidewalk is not angled because otherwise she rolls into the street. That was actually worse than the insurance call. That was... That was... That was... No, I... But I would have sex with someone in a wheelchair. I mean, a woman in a wheelchair. I'm not a guy. But according to you, you just hose her down first. I think that a woman could look beautiful and be beautiful anyway. Absolutely. Especially one that can't escape, you're saying? Well, that's the best part. Well, that's true. A person in a wheelchair can't break up with you unless, like, it's on top of a hill. I had a friend who met a girl in a wheelchair from OkCupid, and she actually didn't have any arms. All she had was little legs. And he said it was great. It worked out because she... He was able to prop her up and put her on top of an ottoman. We should move on to the next one just because we might not. Now it's getting a little dark. I might not be on the air again. Okay, on to happier times. You're gonna like this story. Ana Catarina Bezerra from Brazil suffers from a chemical imbalance. She suffers from severe anxiety and hypersexuality. Oh, yeah. Now what she finds is that masturbating helps. I understand that. But only for a little while. So apparently, sometimes this Ana Catarina Bezerra would masturbate up to 47 times a day. I get that. Lightweight. That's it. Really? Billy? Dude. You guys are coming with 47 is low, huh? Do you notice this table is chest high to me? Okay, go ahead. Continue. But here's the thing. She took her employer to court and she won her case. Wow. She is now... The judge ruled in her favor and says she is now allowed to masturbate at her desk, look at porn on the company computer, and is allowed to reach orgasm as often as she requires. Isn't that like most guys in the office? She's not sick. She's a man. I don't understand. Can you repeat her name again one more time? Her full name? Ana Catarina Bezerra. Catarina Bezerra. And isn't she a gymnast? She is now. That's like Naja Komani. I thought that was a Dostoevsky novel. She says she's averaging about 18 times a day. Wow. That's not bad. Now... It sounds good, but you know she's so chafed down there. It's probably bloody, scabby. That's what I'm saying. 18 times a day, I would catch fire. My record is 10 in a day. Really? Yeah, I'd go to a urologist. I went to a urologist for this, and the guy told me that he said that after like the second or third time for a guy, it's like dry heaving. Yeah, his... Really? I've done both. I've done both. Do you hear that sort of sound? Is that what you get? The guy, I was expecting... I'm close. I'm close. My dick can cough. I don't know what you're talking about. Go ahead. Continue. No, but he said, I asked him, what do I do about this? I thought maybe he had a prescription or something because I couldn't stop kissing after. I thought it was a masturbation situation problem. His, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, What he told me to do is basically all he said was, leave it alone. Leave it alone. God damn it. Oh no. After the third time. Yeah. That was it. The guy's like 75 years old. He's a top urologist at Cedars-Sinai. He's just shaking his head back and forth, revolted. Leave it alone. I don't think it's possible for you to even want to ejaculate anymore after the third time because usually I just want to play like Call of Duty. First of all, first of all, I will tell you incorrect. That is incorrect. You gotta make a night of it like I do. Were you taking an E-tip? A what? I'll forget it. Here's the funny thing. This story actually goes hand in hand, no pun intended, with one of our questions from one of our listeners. We received this on our website. Caroline from Downey wrote in and said, my kid won't stop masturbating. I'm scared to touch anything in his room. How much is normal and can it be too much? Why is she scared to touch anything in his room? First of all, as a mother, get a poncho. There can't be too much. If your son's doing it in the mall, that's a little too much. Outside of that, I find to not, you know, and it depends. Is the kid a boy or a girl? As a boy, 60 to 65% of my time awake, I try to not exceed that limit. Outside of that, how does a mother know what her son's doing in the bedroom? Not just that he's doing it, but he's doing it too often. Well, I do have a bit of a confession to make. I do want to thank my mom for writing into the show, but I kind of wish she had come up with a different question. She's a good woman. There are ways, there are, I do believe that there's too much, actually. I did it too much, and this is what ends up happening. You end up like me. It's a challenging life as a grown man. I mean, I did things, I tried to blow myself. Are we allowed to say that? I don't know. You're allowed to say it. Are you allowed to? Yes, you are. That's entirely up to you. I contend that every boy and probably every guy in this room has tried to blow himself when he was a kid. Once a day? Yeah, maybe even today. I wish the listeners could see, because again, we just met here, and you're a man who's very small in stature, and I wonder if that didn't contribute. Is it easier if you're shorter? Well, no. What I did is I had a bed, like a normal thing with the frame, and I would lay with my head so I'd be like the length of the bed, but my head would be up against the bottom of the footboard, and I'd flip my legs over and curl my toes underneath the bottom. I mean, I've amazed I'm alive. I mean, I could, I think I, like, I came so close to cracking ribs and blowing organs out. Trying to get that in my mouth. And yet you kept trying. I did. And that's why, like, I think a lot of adult men are starting to get into Pilates and yoga. That's what I was thinking. It sounds like a yoga move. Well, I got a, I will say this, I hate to brag, but in the shower, that's where I actually got the tip in. You do your best work in the shower? Is that what you're claiming? I got the tip in. A lot of breathing. Unfortunately, it was in his neighbor gym, but he got it in. No, it was my mouth. But, Vic, when you did that, did you actually convince yourself at first by going, it's okay, I'm just going to put the tip in? I said it to myself. I was thrilled, and then I was done. He got the tip in, and then he looked at himself and went, you know what, I'm not actually attracted to you. That's kind of actually sad, because it seems like such a conquest. Who can you tell? Apparently anyone who's listening. No, I'm proud of it, because it was a lot of work, it was a lot of training that went involved in that. And I really think it takes a lot of conditioning. You would have to do splits every day. It was the stuff in the bedroom that got me flexible enough in the shower with that water just lubricating me enough to get me over the top. The oiliest bastard I've ever seen. Now we're just giving advice to people in general if you want to blow yourself. Was it after the tent time that you actually jerked off, or was this somewhere in the middle of number four or five? Somewhere in the background, his doctor was going, I told you to stop doing this. Stop doing that. I can't believe it alone. He was jerking off. He was like, this is getting boring. I'm going to try to blow myself. I need some lubricant and I'm going to break four ribs. I guarantee you, to be honest, we can go around this table, there's six guys, five other guys here. Who else has done that? Who else here has tried to blow themselves? Not successfully, no. But you've tried. Oh my god, almost every day. Yeah, I wouldn't be here if I could do it. You've tried. I'm too tall. As a kid, you never tried. Not that I didn't desire to do so, but I'm six foot one. This is me at full bend. I've probably looked down there and thought about it, but I was like, my back, I got back problems. Yeah, me too. I got a bad lower back. I grew up living next door to a tattooed baby, so I was good. I'm also kind of lazy, so I look down and go, if you can come up to me, I'm fine. I just had furniture sex. We have a lot of questions to get to because people have been texting in even during the show. Wow. And here's an odd one. Oh, here's an odd one. We just got something from Kenny in Encino and Kenny texted in, my office has a softball team. A midget wants to... play. Can midgets play softball? Oh, yeah, the shorter stop. Absolutely. Why does a midget got to play short? First of all, it's obvious. They rarely, I mean, unless you call it midget stop, you're not going to get much more named for your actual person. They can just be a catcher. They don't even have to kneel. I'm totally offended by that question. First of all, it's a little person. You don't call people midgets. It wasn't us. It was the midget. Kenny, you know, has got to get with it. All right. You know, I'm a shorter guy. I'm not a little person, but I have been sent out on auditions for a little person. I'm not a little person, but I have played on hard TV. Look, I have a lot of respect for little people. I still like the word midgets, but this brings us to a broader question. Are midgets actually people? Because I see them more as like a sort of mythical creature, kind of like unicorns or Jesus. Except these exist. Yeah, but that doesn't mean they don't have special powers. I like to ask Vic a question. Do you think... that the midget has a better chance of blowing himself? Well, that's a good question. If his calf doesn't get in the way. No, I really don't. No. Because you got to bend over. What if it was a really well hung midget? But they have shorter hamstrings. So they probably do. That's why Wee Man can kick himself in the face. And I can't. It's about the abdomens. Abdomens. That's good. It's the abdominal muscles. You know, you really need to be flexible in the upper torso. And also you want to use your legs. You want to flip your legs over. You're really short. I love the fact that the only real advice we get is, how to really try to blow yourself. Yeah. How did we go from little people playing softball... Occasionally we throw in good advice on how to blow yourself. I'm telling you, because I'm a totally... One thing you'll find, I'm completely honest. Oh, yeah. Well, no, we figured that out. I think you got to explain that one to us, Vic. But outside of that, you're okay. In fact, if you want to promote your, you know, Vic Cohen's home video, you know, how to blow yourself, we can... You can teach classes. No, I don't have any videos. I'm very private. I got to tell you guys, the show's producer just walked by. Was he shaking his head? He has a look on his face that looks like he's going, I'm applying to Chipotle, McDonald's, whoever will take me, I'm done with this. I'm out of here. What's funny is he's drinking. It's literally drinking. But he's not drinking for recreation. He's trying to wash this away. Once he heard that I blew myself, I saw him open up the bottle. Hey, I'm doing my part. I tried to take this thing away from the sex. I'm sorry. Can we go back to the first, whatever your first question was, I think it started bad there. Why can't a little person play softball? They can do anything. There you go. That's fine. You're never wrong. And I would encourage them. And you can, you make sure your whole team shows up because you can fit four or five of them in a duffel bag. Well, that would be really funny if, you know, like you show up to the game and your entire team like comes flying out of a little smart car. I'll tell you what he wouldn't be able to play. He wouldn't be able to play in a high pitch game. You know, when they throw... They got to wait like 40 minutes for the pitch to come. He'd be the best player because of the small strikes on. I got to tell you guys, I'm not a huge sports fan. I don't know much about sports, but would it still be a strike if you throw it right down the middle? And it's like, it's like an eye level. No, no, no. You got to roll that thing in there at that point in time. Seriously crouch down. Well, no, I'm wondering, you know, you know what a strike is like right down the middle. No, but everyone has their own strike zone. It's not, it's not. But if it doesn't go up and down, I know it goes maybe side to side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So based on height. Yeah, if you get a six, four guy in there and then you get somebody in there that's, that's my height. Yeah, that's a big, big difference. But the big difference being that, you know, I'm, I wouldn't play shortstop. Midget. Yeah, I would encourage actually, midgets on my team. Little person. I mean, you can put four people at one position. Can you not? Is that not fair? Put four little people at one, at third base? Are they like a transformer? Can they just join together? Two small people. Two small people. One big pitch. Yes, playing third base. Jim and Al. Can you not do that? Is that not good? That seems fair enough. Vic's pissed off. Vic is angry now. I don't know. I just, I don't know. I mean, again, technically I'm not a little person. No, you're not. But I am smaller in stature. I get very sensitive about these kinds of stories. Technically, only some of these jokes are about you. You're fine. All right, then we'll move on to the next question. Please. All right, here's one. When is the right time to tell your child there's no such thing as Santa Claus? That was sent to us from Dave from Philly. As soon as you realize you're Jewish, it's not a bad idea. That's a good time. See, I have a different take on this. I don't think you should ever tell your child there's no such thing as Santa Claus. Because then you're basically admitting you've been lying to them up to that point. So I think what you do is you fake Santa's death. Oh, nice. Leave a suicide note? Yeah. Why didn't you leave me cookies, you little bastard? Right, that way the kid learns two lessons. There's no such thing as Santa. And how to accept loss. And clearly the best time to do that would be November. I would say if your child's a little person, you tell him right away. Then they could try and get work as an elf, maybe. Well, that's not bad. You know, like acting work. Oh, okay. I say never tell. Dave, we're gonna have to let it go. I'm sorry I called him midget. Let the kid figure it out. Yeah. Let the kid figure it out? As soon as- That there's no Santa. As soon as you can't afford gifts anymore, you tell the kid. Yeah. Or if you decide you just don't like your kid. You know what? Yeah. You know what? Times have been tough. There's no Santa, you little shit. Now go take your tattoo and go back to bed. I do wonder if as the times change and society- society becomes more PC, if they won't just completely do away with the traditional Santa Claus. And you know, before you know it, he can be female. He can be thin, African-American, just, you know, anyone who wants the job, we can't discriminate. I'm sorry. I have pictures when I was a kid. I remember my mom saved them and I still have them. And I had pictures with black Santa Claus. That didn't even come across my mind. Did you really? Those were way cheaper to get. I'm being honest. Where'd you grow up? I had a picture of a black Santa. Well, just, sure, why not? It's like you go to Macy's- Did you just propose that a black Santa costs less? No, you just go- I did make that proposal. I had a picture of a black Santa once. Hold on, hold on, hold on. There was a black man in Macy's? Were they following him? I played Santa in my neighborhood. I was the only Jewish Santa, I swear to God. And I had a kid that recognized me through my beard. As a Jew? I know it's weird. I don't know you. He did. I wasn't a- Yeah, he pissed me off. He had a, remember, you know those chains- He pissed me off. You lost. You have it on your neck. You don't hear that a lot, Santa. You pissed me off, that kid. You don't like a Santa with a high around his neck. It's not a good idea. I think I'm gonna say, because you're Jewish, I know you. You're my brother's friend. You're Jewish. And then he wouldn't stop harassing me. So I grabbed him by the chain. I said, if you keep this up, Santa's gonna beat the fuck out of you. Wow. And by the way, Merry Christmas. Yeah. I didn't get hired back. Yeah, it's scary. I love it when the kid- I went to a mall Santa once and I, you ever feel the erection? On a mall Santa? That was kind of weird. Oh. Kind of weird. You're talking about your erection on him or his on yours? No, he had an erection. Vince was like- He had a visit to Santa's North Pole. Okay, let me just make sure I can't connect the dots. Was there any chance Vince was sitting on your lap when you were- I don't appreciate that North Pole. How do you know that it was an erection? I mean, that's a pretty bold statement. I have one myself. How old were you? And hopefully it was not a black- He was 38. How old were you? This happened a couple of weeks ago. And it wasn't black Santa, was it? Did you tell your parents? It wasn't even a mall. It was a bus stop. It was somebody's house. Is this a joke or not? You really had Santa? It was my uncle. Is this for real? This is for real? I hope not. I mean, does Santa really have a heart on? Does Santa? Of course. Why wouldn't Santa have a heart on? On you? He's only human. How old were you? Vince is cute. I'm pretty freaking delicious. How old were you when this happened? Maybe 10, 11 years old. Did you tell your mom? I told my mom. That would be a good time for mom to say there's no real Santa Claus. Can you get Santa's number? Okay, everybody's drinking in the booth now. It's got down to that. Mom, just the friends. What did your parents say? They said it's probably just candy cane. Honestly? They just didn't want to deal with it? Is that it? Yeah. I mean, that's a total lawsuit. As soon as you go to bed, they're like, should we tell him? He was molested? No, no. Tell him it was a candy cane. My mom was very passive aggressive. She never listened to everything. It's a total lawsuit. Do you know how much money you could have made? I know. At this point, who's glad they're Jewish? Just me? Anyone? No, just who's glad they're Jewish? All right. I'm glad you're Jewish. That would have made for great leverage. You'd be like, hey dude, you either get me what I want this Christmas or I tell people that you have a boner. I think sitting on Santa's hard on is enough leverage dealing with right there. You don't need to deal with leverage. Your mom said, honey, Santa isn't real, but that hard dick in your thigh was. All right. Here's somebody else. I could have got a PlayStation. Here we go. Here we have one. Now this is kind of interesting. You ready for this? Wow. Please. Okay. All right. No, I think I want to go to this guy. We have several people that have been writing in. They're actually, we're getting a lot of people. Well, you got eight minutes to fill us in on some of this shit. All right. I have a fantasy about having sex with my girlfriend while she's sleeping. Is this wrong? Absolutely not. You're right. Absolutely not. What's wrong with that? It is not. That's probably the best time. If I could have convinced Mike, if I could have kept my ex-girlfriend unconscious longer, we'd still be dating. Wow. So we seem almost unanimous. I don't even know what the question is. This doesn't seem like a question. I've woken up with an ex or something and well, there's no problem. I think it's a good thing. Really? Does she wake up? Is she a heavy sleeper? Depends. Depends how big you are. Hopefully not. It depends. Does she snore? Depends how much roofie you probably gave her. I was going to say, there has to be something else involved. If there are drugs, that's bad. But if it's just she's sleeping, she's had a hard day's work and she's asleep. And you don't think she's going to wake up during it? What if she's sleeping and I'm on the drugs? Is that fine? That's okay. At the very least, you got to give this girl a turkey sandwich. Why? She's sleeping. It's her next friend. You eat your own turkey sandwich. Then the next morning, she's like, will you sleep fucking me? I thought that was a dream, honey. I'm sorry. There are websites dedicated to this. It's a fantasy. I mean, it's a normal- To sleep fucking? Really? Yeah. How have I not seen this? When I thought I'd been to almost every website there is. You could Google it. There's probably thousands of- I can't believe you haven't seen it, Drew. You're in three of the videos. By the way, very heavy sleep. Was I on top? Drew's the girl. Thank you for sleeping with your mouth open, by the way. You're a wonderful man. If I gave her a roofie, is that considered how sleeping? No. Here's the thing. As long as there are no drugs involved, this guy's saying it's his girlfriend. It's fine. That's what girlfriends are supposed to be. You're saying that your girlfriend's supposed to be- Girlfriend's supposed to be- Your answer is it's not on GoFort. That's the job of a girlfriend. Does he have to tell her? That's- No, if she asks. That's exact. Now here, that's right. Now what happens if he did do that and she doesn't mention it in the morning? I would say- By dinnertime, he's gonna think in his head, you've been sleep fucking other people. You know what I'm saying? You do need to say something. It's almost like a setup. You sleeping bitch. You sleeping whore. You sleeping whore. You've been fucking other people while you've been sleeping. What if he- Is that cheating? Is that sleep cheating? What if he climbs up in there and finds evidence of another guy that had just been there? Yeah. Oh. Vince's Santa Claus has already been there. That's the thing you say afterwards. Why is this Santa hat and there's a bell in here? I don't know what's going on. I think we need to get this girl and Megan together. I'm still thinking about Megan. All right, when I'm sleeping and cheating, we have another question. Yeah, you could shave her in her sleep. Sleeping and cheating. We have a woman who wrote in from actually Kentucky, actually, no, this isn't a woman. I'm sorry, I apologize. That's already a bad start. And Kentucky is the second best. I was reading it as Danielle, but it's Daniel, my apologies. Daniel wrote in, I lost my wedding band while on business in Vegas. My wife is a very jealous woman. Do I tell her? Oh, no. Eventually, you're gonna have to tell her you lost. No, you gotta set up a different thing. Here's the thing is, you can't tell her the truth if it's not believable. Even if it is the truth, you gotta tell her whatever sounds the truthiest. Well, doesn't it depend greatly on where you lost it? I mean, if you lost it because your finger was inside another woman, that's not a story you wanna share. That's a tough story. But if you lost it in Vegas, that's assuming where you lost it. When in Vegas, stay in, what's that? You know what happens in Vegas? When my ring's in Vegas, it stays in Vegas? Is that the story? I would tell her I lost it at the airport, like just coming back into LA or Kentucky, wherever. You had to take it out off for security because it was metal. I just don't know what the hell happened to it. But the secret to lying is you gotta commit to it. You gotta go on the offensive. So you gotta call her and just be like, honey, I don't have time for this right now. I can't find my goddamn wedding band. That's a good idea. You know what I mean? And let her retreat rather than start asking the questions. You know what I mean? It's just like at work, if you've ever slacked off at work, the best way to get away with it, you come out of the bathroom or the closet, wherever you've been hanging out, and make eye contact and carry something under your arm and go like, God damn it, nobody has had to organize the closet in this place. You know what I mean? This is what I would do. This is a landmark moment. We're actually giving advice. This is what I would do. I would tell her while I'm fucking her in her sleep. Oh, that's a good idea. That way, if she ever brings it up, how come you never mentioned it? I told you. Right, we were. You were ignoring me. Exactly. You never listen. Honestly, seriously, you gotta be honest with everyone. Is that true? No, that is so not true. You don't have to lie. I can't do a healthy relationship as lie, lie, fucking lie relationship. If you should avoid speaking to her at all, then I would go with that. But at some point in time, you're going to have to set up, I lost it out of Vegas. No, wait, have you ever been married? Yeah. Are you married now? Are you sure about that? And yet you're going to commit to this, honesty is the right approach? No, I learned. I learned the hard way. I learned. Really? Yeah. You gotta be honest. You have to be honest. You have to say to your wife, hey, the doctor just told me I jerk off too much. Is that the only one? If this guy- That discussion was had. If this guy- Hey, hey. So you're saying, if Daniel pawned his wedding ring to get money for a strip club, honesty is the right approach. Yeah, he's gotta be, she deserves to know what she's living with. Then I- I got news for you. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This guy should just stay in Vegas. He should kill himself if he doesn't have 20 bucks to get into a strip club. That's his first problem. Lying is never the solution. Unless it is. Yeah. No. Unless it's necessary. It's a house of cards. You want a woman to trust you. I do, but she doesn't. So I don't waste my time. It needs to be established. If my truth doesn't sound truthy enough, I'm screwed. All right. I'm gonna come up with a truthier story. Well, here's, this is the right approach. How about this question? This is from Claire in San Diego. My child's friend is morbidly obese. He comes to the house and never stops eating. What do I do? Nail the cupboard shut. You gotta think about the kid's future though. I mean, if the kid is that obese, you have to, I think, ridicule him relentlessly until he develops some sort of eating disorder. And then that balances out the heaviness. Does that work with male kids or just females? I would go with yes. I would tattoo a hamburger on him. Yeah. Nice. Nice. And lick it every time he's hungry. I would train him to be a prize fighter. Give him a rice cake and let him go back to his own house. I'd hide the food. I'd hide the food. He doesn't, you know, he doesn't have to find, is he going through the cabinets? You guys are being a little rough on poor little Augusto. Talk to your own son and say, look, you can't bring him around anymore because your friend's disgusting. That's a parent thing. I mean, do you charge the other kid's parents? But if anything, if she says, Ronald, you're disgusting, I think we'd pretty much take care of that problem. I think the problem's taken care of. Ronald goes home, you're crying, you don't have any more guests. You got one minute. Oh, we got one minute. All right, we got one more question. Let's go with a biggie. Oh, all right, here we go. My sister married a guy with a lazy eye. Where should I be looking? This is from Kevin right here in LA. At the other, at the brown eye. I would go with a different relative. Look at a different relative altogether. Now here's the interesting thing. I fucking hate laziness, by the way. He works at a design company. So, I mean, I would think the solution is design eye patches. Ah. Do we have a drum roll sound effect? No, I mean, you can make an eye patch, like, and put a picture of a good eye on it, and that would kind of solve the problem. What Muppet is it that has the glasses with the eyes on the glasses, you know what I'm talking about? Here's the deal about lazy eyes, first of all. It's a real condition, and I don't like that they call it lazy. I have one myself. A lot of things you don't like, man. I can let my eye go lazy. You don't. I'm looking right at you. Yeah, watch, right now. Your eye is working. Right now, it's lazy. It's not very lazy. It's not lazy. If I smoke a little weed, I get lazy eye. Me too. No, you just get lazy. It has nothing to do with your eye. I get lazy body. They should call it wandering eye. They should call it wandering eye. Maybe there's an exercise you can do for your eye, just, you know, up and down, and just kind of just. There may be, but until we find out what that is, stop doing that shit. I'll tell you what, the doctor actually gave me an exercise for lazy eye. Did he? Yeah, you do this. This will be great for radio. I'm not telling you, this is the exercise. Do you have, who told you? Right now, Vic is trying to blow himself. Can we describe that? It looks like he's playing a trumpet very quickly. Yeah, a very small trumpet. As a kid, I had two surgeries for lazy eye. Well, here's the thing, we only have a couple seconds. I'm not kidding. So my final advice for Kevin is, always look at the good eye, because if you follow the weird one, you never know where your stare is gonna go, and you can get yourself in trouble. Anyway, I wanna thank everybody for being here. It's been a great show. Please, you know, join us on Facebook. We'll see you later. Thank you, we'll see you on Bad Advice. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. While giants in the sky preparing to unleash Let loose a mighty cry Can nobody save us? Will anyone try? The pirate was burned The cypresses died And all our long-lost saviors Help is on the way Help is on the way Help is on the way