News stories and listener Q&A with panel of comedians

Hello everybody, welcome to an all new episode of Bad Advice. As always, I am joined by a panel of very funny people. Let's say hello to Mr. Vince Royale. Hey, hey, hey. I am here. We got Cliff Yates. Hey, how are you doing? I'm doing great. Thank you for joining us today. We also have Vic Cohen over across the table. Hello, Drew. Good to see you. My buddy Marco. My good friend Marco over there. Hi. Yeah. Marco Asante. You can tell how happy he is to be here today. You should have your own cologne. That sounds like a sexy cologne. Marco Asante. I hear you. And Kenneth August. Happy to be here, man. All right. Well, folks, we got a lot to cover today. Now, if you're unfamiliar with the show, Bad Advice is where we give advice to both people that ask for it and those that don't but just simply need it. We cover news stories from around the world, which is what we're going to start with. We're going to start with today because we have got a bunch. We're going to start today with a lovely lady named Susan Warren. Susan Warren is accused of breaking into a home and then cleaning it. That's a nice thing to do. That's a crime? Well, apparently... She can break into my place anytime. Apparently, a woman named Sherry Bush, yes, her real name, Sherry Bush, a mother in Westlake, Ohio, said she came home to find her house a little clean, after an uninvited guest had tidied up while she was away. Apparently, this woman broke in, cleaned the house, then left a note saying she was owed $75 because she came in to clean. That's nice. I have some experience with this because I've been a cop in West Hollywood and they have gay gangs. And they're gang members and they're gay. They break into houses and redecorate them. It's not a crime. It's not a crime. It's not a crime. It's not a crime. That's the sort of thing. Where's the victim here? Do you have any advice? I'm the victim here. My place is a mess. You seen my place? What I'd like to know, though, is how does she know what house to get into? Like, what does she do if she goes in and it's like, damn, this place is spotless? I'm so confused. This lady went into a house, cleaned it, and that's a crime? Yeah, apparently. I don't understand this. If the woman didn't want her place cleaned. I don't know. You have a right to be dirty. She can't interfere with that. I hear you. You know, they say, like, you know, clean me out. Clean my house. I guess this is dumb. The thing is, she left written on a napkin. She left her personal information. She's like, this is who I am. This is where you can reach me. I broke in and cleaned your house. How much was it she charged? 75. No, the weird thing, I pay, I have a cleaning woman that comes. I pay her 80. Yeah, that's what I do. And I have to give her a key. I'm getting robbed. I'm getting robbed. All right. Okay, maybe not the best story to start off with. I know. That was awesome. When I was in high school, I broke into my friend's house and I made breakfast, but I didn't like to clean. So you did just the opposite. You broke in and left a mess. Yeah, but I made breakfast, so. Was anything taken? Was anything taken or did she just? No, not a thing. Left a bill. Left a bill. That's it. Just, we started today with a, I don't think it's a crime. I personally think she was nice. My advice to her is she should come and check out my house and the roommates because, you know, my house actually, I could use her services. I think she's a. Yeah, and if she wears like a hot maid outfit, that would be great. Does anyone here ever get climbed through my window? That's a different person you want breaking in. Has anyone here ever slept with their cleaning lady? I have not. I tried. I did too. I tried too. In high school, I tried. Really? Yeah, it didn't work. I don't think there's ever been a good looking cleaning lady who hasn't had that. That's exactly what I'm thinking. She has so much silver and gold in her mouth. Do you think there's ever, is there anyone really good looking cleaning lady? I mean, couldn't they do something else if they were that hot? Depends what the outfit is. The outfit makes you look good. You don't have to be hot. You put on the little, if you have the short, sexy maid outfit, you're hotter. When you're horny in high school, it doesn't matter. Or at a holiday inn, if you're just at a holiday inn. Oh, I tried to hit on a maid. Sure, but that's different than. I had a buddy sleep over at my house who said he banged my maid. I'm not sure if he was actually telling the truth or not. Did you ask the maid? She doesn't speak English. Oh. She did charge him an extra 125 bucks that month. Suddenly, she didn't speak English. She did say something like, I banged your friend. I think she said that. You can do it. Apparently, someone doesn't listen when I say turn off the cell phones. Well, he couldn't hear you over the cookies. I may have funny people on the show, but not that bright. Okay. The one I tried to hook up with was like a 300 pound Polish immigrant. And yeah, it didn't work out. She quit that day. He was furious. That's great. You had a maid. She was so repulsed by the fact that you tried to hit on her. She'd prefer to go back to a war-torn country. No, I didn't wait. It wasn't obvious. I was lying in bed. And my idea was that I would just leave the door open. And I'd be lying on my stomach with just bare ass. And she wouldn't be able to help herself. But instead, when she walked in, she walked out. Imagine that. She helped herself. All right. You're speaking literally when you're talking about your bare ass. You're talking about it. It looks like a bear's ass. She left. All right. Well, we're going to move on. We're going to move on to the next story. This one, this one I actually find disturbing. This comes from the U.S. Weekly. Apparently, you guys familiar with the show, what the hell was it called? Toddlers and Tiaras? Love it. Do you really? Yeah. Okay. Well, someone got a spinoff from that show. This child is named Honey Boo Boo Child. And she has been given her own spinoff. Now, apparently, they're going to tape six half-hour episodes. And the show, I quote, will intersperse glimpses of the toddler, professional life with her tiara-less personal life among the mud pits of rural Georgia. How old is she? She's like six. And she has a professional life. Yeah, apparently. Clearly bigger than ours. More than any of us, yes. But here's the thing. This is the disturbing part of this. While they follow this girl through the mud pits of rural Georgia, it says viewers will get to see plenty of their favorite star along with her belching mom, June, her chalk-mining dad, Sugar Bear, and her sisters, Pumpkin, who's 12, Chubbs, who's 15, and Anna Chickadee, who is 17 and pregnant. And this is not a cartoon? Well, until the pregnant part. It sounded very cartoony until the pregnant part. Yeah. No, not a cartoon. This is television as we know it. I think, first of all, I think that child beauty contest or whatever the hell you call these things, probably the second worst thing in the world after Sean Hannity, perhaps. The worst, I mean, that is horrible. The way, if my girlfriend, first of all, if I meet her, and then she's wearing that much makeup. Yeah, there's a picture of this girl. And the last thing I want to do is disparage a kid or anything like that. But this is not a good looking. Seriously, I read this article and my first thought was, I wish they had found who like killed little John Bonet because I got another job for him. Oh, nice. Is that wrong? Do you think this girl should be murdered? And the entire family, yes. Not before her parents, no. No, the entire. Let's watch her series first. You need a family of a belching mom named June, a dad named Sugar Bear, a sister named Lauren Pumpkin, Chubbs and Chickadee. The thing that scares me is looking at that picture, she looks like she's got a C cup. No, I'm not kidding. I always thought they didn't. This is what I'm talking about. See, if you put that kind of, if you put a child in that much makeup, that's a way to seduce pedophiles, man. Are you feeling something? No. You're the one who said, no, look at her. She has an A cup, a C cup. I think, Cliff, welcome to the show. It's a little disturbing today. I understand. Listen, this show follows swamp people, so it makes sense, I think. They should take these people and just bury them in the swamp. No, my advice is for America on this one. Stop it. Seriously, let's not give these people a platform. A platform? How about the spinoff? Not only do they have a show, they have a spinoff of one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. It's not good. You know, the thing about it is, even for, not to be perverted or anything. Well, too late. Too late. I don't think you prefaced that. I'm not a racist, but continue. I know, but even for like a six-year-old, she's doing nothing. You know, I mean, she's not really hot. No. Six-year-old. No. You may want to change that descriptive word, but go ahead. No, I mean, you look at some kids. Vic wants to see her in swimwear. No, there are some kids you could go, okay, I could see that, you know, where they're attractive. Yes. No, this is not an attractive child. I wouldn't go with hot. Like, there's rarely been a six-year-old. I'm like, you know what? With the right amount of makeup, but this is ridiculous. But she's not hot. No. How hot can your child be if you name them Chubbs? Well, that's the brother. That's the sister. What's this one's name? Boo-boo? What is it? I think she'd look cuter with straight hair. Cliff right now is texting the sergeant going, okay, when this guy leaves, let's make sure we follow this. Swarm. Swarm. I got my fur. You can utilize both your jobs on this show. I know she's already got the ankle bracelet, so I'm sure he's on GPS. I wore my shorts today. Just got them cut off. Sorry about this, Cliff. His white van is parked out. Okay, so then I guess the other advice would be you're saying this girl needs a makeover. Yeah, I would straighten her hair out, and she'd be hot. And is it wrong to give liposuction to a six-year-old? It's probably not unheard of among these people. It'd be wrong for you to be doing it. Well, yes, because I'm still waiting to finish that. Kids shouldn't be doing that. It's crazy. No, I agree. I think Vince should be wearing the dress. I think Vince should go by Honey Boo Boo Child for a little while. We could take a vote. Anyone want to call Vince Honey Boo Boo Child from now on? Why? Why did it turn on me? I was defending the child. At least she has a hobby. That's true. Is whoring a hobby? Is that a hobby? It is for a lot of women. She's got more of a job than the Kardashians. That is true. That's called reality TV whoring. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Next story. This one's great. I like this. I applaud the actual kangaroo in this story. An Australian woman says she was stalked for two days by an angry kangaroo, which finally attacked her, leaving a 12-inch scar. Ready for that? Okay. Yeah. Apparently, there was a large eastern gray kangaroo that was lurking outside her home in New South Wales. It stalked her for two days before finally attacking. The day before, this kangaroo attacked a 145-pound bull mastiff before coming back to get the woman. It took down the security first and then went out. Nice. Yeah. Did they meet online? How does he stalk? Do you not notice the kangaroo parked out front? What kind of stalking does the kangaroo do? Apparently, this kangaroo is unbelievably smart because it waited for this woman to come out to her car, but she was on her way to go pick up her daughter. And that's when the kangaroo attacked. Do you want to hop a ride? No. See, kangaroos are smart. Sorry. It hurts so much. I can do better. Kangaroos are marsupials, and they're smart. And, like, they're nocturnal. That's why they can follow people at nighttime. Do you realize you have now thrown more knowledge about... That might be the most you know about any topic. You're reading too much. You're reading too much. No, I like marsupials. I Googled it. Did you... Here's something I didn't know about kangaroos. They can run up to 35 miles an hour and cover more than 25 feet in a single jump. And there's actually three... They wear boxing gloves. Don't they wear boxing gloves? The problem... Yes, in the wild. There's a real problem with this story, and that is we don't get the perspective of the kangaroo. I agree. And I like how it left a 25 or a 12-inch scar. Like, it doesn't... It might have, like, shanked her. You know? Did it have a knife? The quote from the kangaroo was, The bitch had it coming, I believe. Took it two days, took out the dog, stalked her, took her down. This guy knew what he was doing. And not only did he know what he was doing, but apparently, after this thing attacked her, they issued a 48-hour permit to kill this kangaroo. But it disappeared as soon as they issued that. It's like a stalker, like a real... Yeah. It, like, it checked out the news, go, got her, I'm out. Nice. I like it. You see, my advice is, you know, I support the kangaroo. I say go for it. My advice is don't live in Australia. I like the permit that you can get to kill it. You know, it'd be nice if you could get a permit to shoot Boo Boo Chub Chub. Never been that. In that show. Oh, no, I didn't, honey, Boo Boo. I would actually apply for that permit. That's what she says in the show. Well done, Cliff. Well done. Speaking of women who should probably be attacked, here we have Stephanie Santana. Stephanie Santana's in Texas. Apparently, Stephanie Santana, while drunk and pregnant, left her child in the car. She left her 10-month-old in the car, and she stumbled into a tattoo parlor wanting to get a piercing. Nice, huh? Mother of the year? Well, did the kid drive, or did she drive? I'm assuming the kid drove, because she was drunk. Okay, well, there you go, and it's responsible, at least. He's 10 months old. Why not? How old's the kid? The kid was 10 months old. Here's the... She has a 10-month-old that she leaves in the car. She's drunk, and she's pregnant. It really depends. She wants a piercing. Oh, it was a piercing. Yeah, she didn't want... Oh, no, because the tattoo, that would have been wrong. If the kid's 10 months, and the wife's pregnant, that's a busy, busy woman. That's not a whole lot of leeway. Yeah. Is that... She had a month. What did she... I mean, wouldn't she get pregnant immediately after giving birth? I believe the first child got her pregnant on the way out. Oh, all right. Left something behind. Nice. Okay. So this was in Texas. It had to be Texas or Florida. See, what was the weather? That's what I'm... If it wasn't that hot out, I don't see a problem. So as long as she didn't leave the kid with the windows rolled up. Yeah. And it was just a piercing. That takes, what, five minutes? Yeah. And the kid has no clue where, you know... Well, okay. Apparently, she did care, because it says she... This is from the guy in the tattoo parlor. An employee who calls themselves Yogi said she came in about 4 a.m. and asked about a piercing. She asked, how long would the piercing take? And I said, why would you ask me how long it would take? She says, well, because I have a baby, and I have a baby in the car. So apparently, Yogi asked her, who's watching the baby? And she said, nobody. The baby's asleep. It's 4 in the morning. Yeah. What tattoo parlor piercing place is open 4 in the morning? It's impressive. I'm going with every tattoo parlor is open at 4 in the morning. Yeah. Seriously, if you're going to get a tattoo, isn't that when it happens usually? Yeah, they don't look for the lunch hour special. I don't think those are big. Yeah, it's after the bar and... Yeah. Something... You're drunk enough to leave your baby in the parking lot. Sorry. Cliff, I just find this woman attractive. How do you feel about that? These cars have... They're child locks for a reason. Let's use them. It's safe. Leave the kid in the car. You're for leaving the kid in the car. Yeah, but it's safe now. I like this part. It says, she failed a field sobriety test. Like, do you even have to first apply one? Like, is there, you know... Well, that's because she was pregnant. That's not fair. Well, something very... Throws your balance off? Is that what you're saying? She's walking for two. I'm drinking for two now. I don't endorse... See, my advice is for the tattoo shop owner is to have like a daycare in the back of the tattoo parlor. That's a good idea. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. So when people are coming in and they're with their children, while they're getting tattoos, they have some money to watch the... or babysit the kids. You know you got to give them like little coat check things because these people are not necessarily picking up the right one when it's time to go. No, but they may never notice. I don't think it's right what happened at all, but I do find... I find the woman oddly attractive. Like... That's still the picture of the young kid, by the way. That's how you... If nothing else, she's good at multitasking. I'll give you this in one second, but check this out. When she... After she failed the field sobriety test, it says during a search of her vehicle, officers found several bottles of beer inside a diaper bag and also what they believe to be Xanax pills. Are you telling me... And I may have missed something in the story. Did the kid shit out a bottle of beer? Is that what happened? Where was the bottle of beer? This is a magic kid. That's why you bring that kid with you. So the kid's 10 months old and already has anxiety issues. And a drinking problem. Wouldn't you if that was your mom? She's really pretty. Maybe you had to bring the kid. Maybe it was some kind of Groupon, a family Groupon for the tattoo place. My advice is I say this woman is at least trying. I see a lot of moms that, you know, like complain that they have too much to do. This woman is doing some serious multitasking. It's quality time with the kid. At least she wasn't piercing the kid. Yeah. She should have got a tattoo. Yeah. Get a matching stuff. Yeah. Do you get drunk? If a mother's breastfeeding and she's getting drunk, does the kid get drunk? I would think so. That'd be great for alcohol to come out. Yeah. It'd come out of boobs. Yeah. It's like the perfect dream. Nice. I wouldn't need to go to a bar. I'm staying home, baby. In Europe, I've seen people smoke and drink when pregnant. Did you see the baby come out bad as well? Did you see that? I mean, like they drink a couple of glasses of wine in Europe. It's not really a... I have no idea where I'm going with this. Except that I just wanted to let you guys know that I've been to Europe. Because Europeans do. Marco, we are very happy that you are cultured. That was the only reason I told you that story. They're a lot more tougher in Europe. Yeah, so you know that I was in Europe. Cool. Let's move on. All right. This one is disturbing and yet kind of funny. The headline says, Angry driver violently beats old man for driving too slowly. Police have arrested Brandon Paulson, a 22-year-old truck driver from Iowa, on charges that he violently beat an old man because he didn't like the way he drove. Apparently, the 72-year-old victim was driving with his wife and this man was following behind him. Paulson began yelling and swearing at the man. Sensing his agitation, the man pulled over to let him pass, but instead of continuing on his way, Paulson allegedly pulled over as well, went up to the older man and began to violently beat him for, as he puts it, driving like an old man. Nothing? I like it. Am I the only one amused by this? I think that old people should take some sort of self-defense class. They offered them in North Hollywood. Yeah? Yeah. All right. First of all, I don't think of 70 as an old man. Not that that's anything. Not a beatable old man. Not a beatable, yeah. But driving like an old man, where do you start drawing the line? It's like, can you pull the other car over because he was, the Asian guy was driving like an Asian? That's the same category, I believe. Is that a law? Can you not drive like an old man? Or an Asian? Yeah, let's ask the cop. Listen, everybody's going away from the beatings and I think we should get back to it. I like it. Who cares how old you are? The guy was beating an asshole, let's beat him. Absolutely. All right, so then the advice is carry on. I should beat the guy. There's too much of no beating anymore. Yeah, I agree. Keeps your job less traffic, more beating. How is that right home? Do you know, now that people know that the police can't kick their ass, they talk so much shit now because they know. What are you going to do? Hit me, huh? Make me rich. Make me rich. People beg me to hit them. I think you're right, absolutely. You're absolutely on the right cliff. You know what? I think road rage is healthy. You know, it allows people to get their, to vent their anger, their childhood trauma. The psychiatrists don't want it because they know people will be relaxed and they won't go to them. It's bad for business. What happened to the guy? How bad was he beaten? It doesn't really say. But it's 70. How, you know, how much can you really take? How was that ride home in the morning when he spoke to his wife? Why the fuck did you help me? She's like, well, you were driving like an asshole. You're an old man. Yeah, if I'm going to have a wife, I want her to help. See, that's what, she should, oh, I was in Europe. I don't know. Here's something, and this doesn't come to us from Europe, but Marco, I'm sure you'll have something to say about this one. Here we have a man from Washington State who is on trial for allegedly branding his children like cattle. Mark Siemens is accused of branding his two sons, age 13 and 15, and his daughter, 18, with a hot custom-made branding iron. The brand was apparently SK because he wanted the family name on them. He marked his children with the letters SK which stands for Siemens Kids. His ex-wife was horrified when she discovered the marks 18 months ago. I don't know if you've seen an animal being branded, but I have. They squeal, they yell, they scream. It's nothing pretty. As for the kids, they're proud of the brands and plan to defend their dad when they testify at his trial. I'm so confused. I thought Siemens was kids. No, when you brand someone with Siemens, that's a little different. Oh. So, you know, I think about this. If he would have just added a T and was STK, they could have got a little publicity out of this, you know? The steakhouse. I've been to Europe. I don't know if you guys know. I told you. So, you guys, are you pro? No? No advice? It was this person's kids, right? Yeah, it's his own kids. That is... You can brand your own kids. First of all, if you're 18, that girl had every right to say no. She must have wanted it. That's... It actually... Yeah, I agree. She's the one that he is not actually being charged with because she testified that, you know, she did it willingly. Makes bad parents, most bad parents, actually look really good right now. You know? Yeah. Yeah, branding. Non-branding parents, you're saying, makes non-branding parents look pretty good. I just think that this guy cares about his family. He does. He wants to be He doesn't want to lose him. He's proud. He wants to preserve the name and make sure they're part of the same family. It's like, these are my kids. Look, it's a lot harder to abduct a kid that's got the name stamped right on him. I don't know. Where did he brand? Where in the body? Branding the forehead is not right. It doesn't say where he branded. Oh, no. Yes, it does. It looks like the forearm. He said he did it on their arms, legs, and chest. Oh, wow. Can I see a picture of that? This guy's very, very branded. Right there. That's... It's all about branding. Listen, it works. If the kid goes missing, the police ask, is there any identifying marks? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's in a dime. He's mostly identifying marks right now. That's what I'm saying. If you have a child abduction case, isn't it a lot easier to look for a guy with his name branded on his chest? Yeah. You know, years ago, before they had chips, they used to do this all the time to mark the kids. Yeah. Yeah. You're right, though, Drew. This guy's very caring and thinks about his family, unlike that lady who left the baby in the car. Exactly. You know, if that kid in the car was branded, everything would have been fine. That would have been fine. Or tattooed. Branding is a little too painful. Well, what is tattooing except colorful branding? Exactly. That is true. No? You know what? Fine. That kid is well marked. Okay. What about, like, timeouts? Things like that. This wasn't punishment, though, was it? Maybe this was a reward. I just think he likes, you know, I'm guessing he's one of those guys that has his name written in his underwear and, like, little marks, like, you know, on the TV kind of thing. It's like a kid's serial number. I think they live on a farm and the kids saw it with the cattle and he wanted it. There you go. All right. So we approve. I'm with Cliff. Now, you guys probably saw this story coming out of Miami. A witness claims that he saw a naked man chewing on the face of another naked man on a downtown highway ramp. He was apparently eating this man's face and when a police officer showed up to try and stop him, he growled at the police officer and continued to eat. Well, the guy paid for his meal and he said, you're going to finish the meal beforehand. But I saw the pictures of the two people. Right. And I don't know the deal with the drugs, but to that one guy's defense, the homeless guy did look delicious. He had the pan, he was caramelly, he had the hair going. What's amazing about this is that, well, the attacker was gunned down by the police, but the homeless man survived. So that's a great bar story right there. Not getting shot does help you survive sometimes. I say that, no, I mean, like, he's, his face is gone. This is a good thing for the guy. It's a good thing. It's a good career move. Yeah, he's going to get a reality show. This faceless man, I mean, think about all the bar stories. What happened to your face? I was minding my own business and then some naked man came up to me and ate my face. Wait a minute, but it says the guy, here's the part though, it says both men were naked. Wow. Yeah. Well, you feel awkward if the guy eating your face is naked and you're dressed. That's hot. That's hot. That's hot. So you, you joined the man, I believe. I just think that, again, I'm going to refer to Cliff on this. because it was in Miami, right? It was Miami. Yeah, it was a hot day. It gets really humid in Florida. Maybe he didn't want to get the homeless guy's blood on his clothing. Is that possible? That could be. You don't usually travel with a lobster, bitch. I just think that when you get these people who are clearly like batshit crazy, I think anytime you have a story that's that, like, bizarre, the participant should always be naked. Cliff is, in all your years of law enforcement, do you find that the crew is naked? Crazier people tend to have less clothing. They go naked. Yeah. They go naked. Maybe this guy had a piece of food on his lip and the guy didn't know when to stop. He just kept going. You have something in your teeth? Let me get it. I blame this on, and this is my whole theory about this, I blame it on these pot places that the pot is so good now when you smoke, you just get hungry. And want to take it closer. Because I've been, I've smoked some weed where I've got hungry and it wasn't a, you know, a new stand around or a place to get something to eat and I could, I could possibly see that happen, you know. You think this is munchies gone bad. Munchies gone bad. Stay away from my face, Marco. Wow. I just applaud the whole naked part of it. I just think that that's, you know, if you're going to go over the deep end and be naked. any crime, do it naked. Yeah, I mean like crazy people. This totally ruined my plans for spring break. Are you telling me if you read this story that a guy ate somebody's face, 80% of his face, and your next question would be, how clothed was he? Is that what you were I would expect him to be naked. Look, I've met Gary Busey. He's batshit crazy. As far as I'm concerned, he should walk around naked 24-7 just waiting to do something crazy. I'm surprised they let him wear clothes. Now maybe they do more deep investigating. Maybe these guys knew each other before the incident. Maybe they were communicating online and they said, hey look, we're going to meet outside naked. They were at a face eating website? Is that what you're claiming? I don't know. Maybe it's a fetish. The weird thing to me is if you're going to pull Join me for a drink and some face munching? Well, the guy was naked. Face? Why else would they be naked? Meet somewhere. The guy who was But they were on a highway on ramp. Like, how do you Did you go to it naked? Well, they had to pull off because somebody was beating an old guy in front of them and traffic was all messed up. People will do anything for attention now. Geez, I know. I think the thing that's weird to me is he got the guy naked. You know, like the homeless guy pulled his pants off but then ate his face. Like, I would have thought he would have gone downstairs. Like, if you're going to take the pants off, wouldn't you go for his, his junk? Maybe it smelled. Yeah. I mean, if I were in that position. I don't know, Vic, but you know what I do know? Marco has been to Europe. I heard this guy is actually next in line to marry Kim Kardashian along your career move. Kardashian dating the faceless guy at this point in time. I'm just looking for our list. Makes it scary to be homeless. You think that's the biggest concern? Yeah, look, I mean, you can get your face eaten off. It's dangerous. Come up and do our list of questions. All right, here we go. Well, you know what? We've been moving along, so we have a lot of questions to get to. Now, if anyone's listening and you want to call in live, our number here at Skid Row Studios. What do you mean, if anyone? We've got tons of people listening, right? Well, if they want to call in. If they want to call. If they want to call. I'm saying we've got a lot of people that submit their questions online, which you can do by liking us on Facebook. You can go to Bad Advice Comedy on Facebook and submit your questions there. You can always call in live at 800-893-9562. Again, 800-893-9562. Our first question, this one comes to us from Sam in Riverside. Sam has a very simple question. Sam wants to know, is it wrong to jerk off to thoughts of your roommate's girlfriend? No. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I said, was it wrong to jerk off on your roommate's girlfriend? I'm misunderstood and no, not if she's sleeping. That's a little different. What do you think? Is it? I don't know. Okay, I'm going to be honest and I'm going to tell you an honest story and I'm not even trying to be funny and this actually happened in Europe. You've been to Europe? I want to go. Now, I'm taking a chance here and then telling the story, but it actually happened to me. I was in Europe. You were? Really? I had no idea. And I was with my buddy and we had a one-bedroom apartment. We were working. We were out there working. And he had a hot girlfriend and we had a one-bedroom. So I had the bedroom and he had the living room and we would kind of like one day sleep. You know, we would switch, whatever. So we have a place to sleep. And I woke up in the middle of the night because I get up in the middle of the night and I get munchy. So I was eating and I heard him, you know, going away, going at it with his girlfriend and it sounded really good. I swear to you, I opened up the refrigerator, had some cookies and milk and jerked off in the kitchen and then went back to sleep. In the refrigerator? Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Oh. Where's the part where you're exposing yourself? Yeah. I, uh... First thing, when you say you get the munchies, I'm terrified you ate somebody's face if there was anybody else there. I, uh... I jerked off while they were, uh... Yeah, but... That's totally understandable. Yeah. You just kind of had, like, live porn in your living room. Yeah. I've jerked off twice during this podcast. So, so far, that's unimpressive to me. Once on me. Once, as far as you know. And then I just went right back to sleep. You were tired. Yes. In the kitchen, though, Marco? Right on the floor? Right on the linoleum? That's why you do it Did you clean up afterwards? That's what the maid that he sleeps with is for. No. I was in Europe. I told you that, right? I think you're allowed to masturbate to anything. Yeah. I don't think it matters. You don't think it's an invasion of privacy? Like, it's not... No. I say my advice is masturbate to any age, sex, religion. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Relations. Jerk off to relations. Doesn't matter. Yeah. It's in your head. Yeah. If while you're thinking of her, if she looks at you and goes, stop thinking of me, then yes, you should probably stop. But otherwise... Yeah, I've masturbated to a fictional character. Popeye? No. A woman? Yeah, Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. She's freaking hot. I was on the drive over here, by the way. I don't get how people are into, like, cartoon porn. I know it. Dude, it's weird. The caricatures? You don't see a real woman. It's big in Japan. They like the anime stuff. Yeah. I don't get it. That's weird. It's like cartoon porn. It's always right next to the four and a half minute segment I'm about to clip on. It's too... I don't understand. I don't understand that at all. Like a creature fucking another creature that's drawn doesn't... I don't understand that. Hey, was that wrong what I did? No. No, no, no. Absolutely. You're okay. Not if it wasn't in the fridge. I'm not really ready to go on vacation with you. Yeah. I thought you were gonna say, stay out of your kitchen as well. She was so, so hot. I thought you were gonna say you slept with her. So I was prepared for really... No, no, no. It's dangerous masturbating in the refrigerator. Yeah. Because your sperm can get frozen and someone can take that. I wake up in the middle of the night a lot and I just have cookies and milk for some crazy reason and I just thought, this is great, man. Cookies, milk, and a quick toss off and you're good to go. And I just remember getting back in bed and just going... Because I always had that smile after the cookies and milk but this time it was like, wow. Wow. Wow. Did you ever tell your friend the story? Yeah. Oh, I told him. Nice. We joke about it all the time. When his friend asked why the refrigerator was sticky as can be. But it's a little hard to say this. Is that what Santa does? I'm sure that was milk. Hey. Okay. The only thing that has me concerned about that is you were kind of jerking off to your guy friend. No, no, no, no. How did you know? I was watching. I was focused mainly on I would look and the food was... But if you're looking at his ass going up and down... No, no, no, no. That's kind of gay. She just... A little hairy bobbing man ass? Is that what was going on over there? I would tell you. I did that one. I would tell you. I did that one. That's not the kind of thing you do in Europe. So she was on top is what you're saying. I don't remember. It was 1994. And... I think she was on the bottom. All right. We're going to move on to our next question. Depending on the view. I'm going to call him up and ask him. Okay. This one comes to us from... Actually, his name is Terry and Al... Oh, no. This is... I'm sorry. This is a woman named Terry. And Albuquerque. Terry writes, I had an ongoing affair with my mailman. Ever since I broke it off, a lot of my mail has gone missing. What should I do? Bang the UPS guy. Yeah. Just strike something up with the FedEx guy. I would do what they did in Bronx Tale and they beat the mailman up. Really? Yeah. Is that what happened? Yeah. The kid was going to... Not going to school. So they were sending the notes to the parents that he wasn't going to go. And they beat up the mailman so they... They never sent any notes to the house again. So they should do the opposite. I'm serious. I know Cliff must like this because somebody's getting beaten up. Yeah. This has been a very violent show. I'm all for it. I like the beating. I think, first of all, most mailmen are going to be unemployed relatively soon anyway. So she can move on. That guy's not going to have a job shortly anyway. Yeah. And who... Really, I mean, you just pay your bills online and forget it. That's the answer. That's the answer? There it is. Yeah. Yeah, but... And whoever sleeps... To sleep with his boss. It's so cliche to sleep... To sleep with the mailman. I know. So 1970s? I don't know. Even earlier, I think. I guess it was the milkman in the 50s. Milkman beforehand, yeah. Yeah. Who do you fuck now? You think he must be some sort of like cult hero amongst other mailmen? It's like, I nailed a chick on my route? Who's the guy, though? Who's the guy you do it with now? Today? The Jehovah's Witness people. They're the only ones that knock on the door. Yeah, because I'm sure they're ready. I'll take a watchtower. If you watch my tower. Okay. Well, here's one we can take. All right, then let's go to our next question. This one comes to us from Steve in Palmdale. Steve writes, my wife wants a vibrator, but she wants me to get it for her. Should I be worried that she'll like it too much? Okay, listen. I got experience because I need to back up, so I told my wife, I can't keep up. She says, don't worry. She took me to a big sex store to buy a vibrator. She stopped me at the door. I got scared. She said, should we get a cart? A cart? I don't mind buying a vibrator. How big does this thing have to be? Really? Well, the problem there is, did she want like several things or just one really, really big one? Oh, no, oh, no. We had to get the top of the line. We got the Harley Davidson, the vibrator. It said Harley right on the gas tank. It was crazy. And it vibrated. She revved it up in the store. She got on to get off. She got thrown off. It was crazy. You got to be careful. So you don't think, so you're saying, you think he should or shouldn't do it? Well, the new ones are nice. This one, it shook like this, right? It had an attachment for me. It shook back and forth like, it shook back and forth like this. Not for sex. It mixes paint. It came with a brush. I got it. You want to paint the bathroom? Start the vibrator. I help out. So the problem is he lives in Palmdale. That would be the problem. Well, there you go. Yeah. What was his question? Is she going to, what's the actual question? The question he wrote is, he wants to know, he's never obviously gotten one. She wants him to go and buy it and he wants to know, should he be worried that she'll like it too much? Like, I guess he's worried she's going to forget, like not want him anymore. It's either going to be that vibrator or the mailman. So you want to, well, you know, he should pick up something for himself, like a plastic vagina. Don't they have like those flesh things too? I think, you see the excitement coming out of that? I got those. Especially if you got a shopping cart, you got room to throw that shit in there. That's nice. And you can put them in a dishwasher. It's great. Yeah. I'm curious. I was thinking about the sanitation. How would you clean that? I would say just, go ahead and get one, but just make sure that whatever you get is smaller than you. Yeah. I mean, I would worry less about her liking it too much and her liking you too little at that point in time, but I would not go shopping for it myself. The thing that I'm curious about. And the girth has to be smaller too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if it's small and has bigger girth, she might enjoy that too. You said that you, you can't keep up with your wife. No. What's up with that? She's an infomaniac. Sex all the time. The vibrator she got was called the Mr. Potato Head. So every night she puts a different set of ears and a face. It's like a different thing. Dude, if I can get your address and your work schedule before you leave, that would be fantastic. Keep her happy. Is this like erectile dysfunction? No, I'm there, but you know, come on. I've got, I've bought my girlfriend at the time little things to play. I think it's, I think it's a great, thoughtful. I think as long as, as long as her toy is not like attached to a guy named Jack, I think you're fine. I think you're good. If it's a toy. Yeah. I get it. A girl would leave her vibrator sitting on the bed like with her roommates. Guys, I thought that was inappropriate. Yeah, I mean, as long as you guys both get toys together, I think it'll be fun. I don't want to feel left out. If I get her something, then she has to give me like a rubber duck. Right. If you go home and you just, you know, you hear in the bedroom, you know, the lock's been changed, then I think you've got a problem. I think this guy, he sounds, he sounds unexperienced in the bedroom. He sounds really lame and weak. You're going to get punched from the right-hand side. You know that. Hey, Drew, that's funny that you said that because that actually happened to me where I had a girl living with me. I'm not joking. I had a girl live with me and I had come home Why do I have a feeling somehow this is going to happen in like Spain? No, no, no. And he's going to jerk off in the kitchen. This ends up with semen in the kitchen. First of all, and this is interesting, this story had nothing to do with Europe, but I came home from work early and my bedroom door was locked and I couldn't get in and I, I don't know, it was weird and I realized I heard the VHS tape come out that the girl that I was dating was, was watching porn and playing with herself. She cute? This must have been 1994. No, and I really, and I really, and I really got a little, I felt a little upset about it because I thought maybe, you know, I wasn't properly, like I wasn't doing something to please her that she had. And you weren't close enough to the refrigerator. So yeah, so listening to your girlfriend watching porn, that you didn't like that much, but your roommate fucking away, that was a good time. That was smack worthy for yourself. That's good. Yeah. That's nice. See, the thing about Marco's stories is you need video. I would love it if I, my girlfriend was doing that. No, I, I love it. She's got a sexual appetite. I guess, I guess, I don't know. Was it a gay porn? That would be upsetting. Yeah, I don't know if it was. This week, that doesn't upset you. Okay. Homophobia doesn't, doesn't upset Vic this week. I forgot. Maybe I'm missing out. Maybe I'm missing out. I'm missing some of the story, but it was something that bothered me. I can't remember what it was, but, but kind of porn was it? I don't know. It wasn't an animal. All goats. I think, I think she denied it or played, you know, she didn't, it was weird. It was, but it's getting hot in here. It is. Well, this next question isn't going to help it get any cooler because you're going to, this one comes to us. I'm on today. From Jim in Valencia. Jim wrote in, how can you tell if your girlfriend is faking her orgasms? If she's having them. What? Are those things real? Those things are real? If things are squirting out, things are squirting out, that's usually real. Or one of those super focus. Or she could just be, well. Pissing on you? Is that what you were saying? Yeah, I got halfway through and I go, I don't even want to do it. I don't want to be the one to go there. I took it for you, buddy. Thank you. One for the team. Have you guys ever faked an orgasm? I have. No, never. Men can fake it. They can. Yeah. You just pull out and spit on their back. That's nice. No, just me? Seriously? You said, Vic, because my wife gets so wet always, since, I met her. And I should have known when I first met her, I went into her bedroom, her bed frame, the little wheels had mud flaps. You should have known. I got to tell you. She squirts a stream too. First time I went down on her, I thought her ex-boyfriend was hiding inside with a squirt gun and got me right in the eye. But that's how I can tell. The old squirt in the eye? So you're saying Jim should be like, if you could squirt in the eye, Jim. It's real. You can't fake that. If you got to wear Kareem's goggles to go down there, yeah, that's a good sign. But I tell you what, I hope this is not appropriate when I say I love your wife so much. She's fantastic. I would like to meet your wife. Can I go to Europe with your wife? Marco just wants to watch. Go to the kitchen afterwards. Is she from Europe? Most women have pillows all over their bed. She's got sandbags. It's crazy. So really, does anyone, like I've actually, and I'll admit this, I have been with women where I'm like, I'm pretty sure she's faking it. Like, because I know I've been with ones that it was real. I know that. And then there's been times where I'm like, oh, come on. That can't be real. Was it when she turned you over and spit on your back? Was that when you knew she was faking it? Like it doesn't work that way? You just have to trust them and if you can't, then it doesn't matter. Trust women? I don't know. I just don't like to wait until they finish. Vince is like, if she has an orgasm, I'm already on the 405 on the way out. Vince is like, listen, if I come first, it just means I'm better at it. It means I'm faster. Who cares? Who cares? Like Marco says, he paid the 600. Who cares? Get a vibrate. All right. So Jim, then just don't worry about it. No. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, here we have Chuck and Tarzana. Chuck wrote in, my wife keeps all kinds of things from her past that she says have sentimental value. This includes a box of letters from old boyfriends. Am I wrong for wanting her to get rid of them? No. I think that's a, that's a reasonable question. I don't think you can tell her that. If they're out in the open and it's, that's, that's not good. Yeah, she's reading them every day. That's true. If they're hidden in, you know, I have a lot of stuff from my, from my past. A dead ex-girlfriend in the attic. And I, I'm not going to get rid of it. I think once every five years, it's really cool to go back and read those, you know, things and just think about the times you had with these people. And so I say, I don't think it's a bad idea unless she's, reading them, you know, every, every day, you know. Can someone get that man some fucking coffee, please, for the love of God? Can we get him some coffee? Is this the same guy who's usually real awake? his wife's having an orgasm? What's that? Is this the same? I don't think so. since you're so European today, I apologize. Is this the same guy whose wife is having, he can't tell if his wife's having an orgasm? No, this is Chuck and Tarzana. Okay. You see, I don't think, you know, women get turned on emotionally. Thanks, guys. Versus us, us men, we see something and we get, we get turned on. Maybe it's a way of helping her get aroused. Maybe the letters are helping her. With him? You see, now I have a whole collection of naked pictures from all the women I've been with. Should I have not said that? You've never shown me, Drew. Is this thing on? Does this show have a rewind button, by the way? I would like to. Hey, Vince, can you make sure? Cliff, I can't believe you just said that. Everybody has pictures of their exes, right? You can't, you can't keep pictures? You know, just like one or two, you can't bear to rip them up. Yeah. But your wife or girlfriend can find it. How many do you have? I want to see. Can I see them? Me too. It's like a lot. Like a hundred? Over. Nice. Oh, wow. That would be wrong. How many of them knew you were taking photos at that point? Were they passed out? Every one of them. Almost half of them? No, every, no. Are they like naked? Even if they're wearing blindfolds, they knew. Are they X-rated? No, it's so cool. Kind of, yeah. It's like, Playboy or Hustler? No, it's more Playboy. No, it's not. It is. No, it's not. Yes. You can't backtrack with this at this point. My mom is listening. Oh, yes, very Playboy. None of your mom does. It was tasteful and fun. Hey, hey, hey, no. Two or three at the most. And I didn't take them. They were artistic photos. That's right. No, really? I think those should be destroyed. I would never destroy them. I couldn't do it. I've tried. I've tried. You need to destroy them because you're living in the past. Yeah, but you can't tell her that. I'm not living. I am enjoying. You can't tell her that. You have to find two boxes of stuff that you don't need. You place them next to her shit and then you light all that on fire. Drew, you should bring them to the studio next week and we should destroy them after I've looked at them all. No, but we should destroy them because you're living in the past. Guys make this mistake all the time. Oh, oh, oh. We're talking about a girlfriend having old love letters. We're not talking about Drew's naked photos. We're talking about Drew's. No, he needs help. No, no, no. He needs help but not because of the photos. Hey, I did not write in a question. I'm fine. Marco, you should burn all that shit. That's my advice to you. So you're saying that you don't think she should have these things then. Marco's living in the past too. It's tying you up. I have pictures of that. I haven't looked at them in years. Every five years. I thought you said every five years. Yeah, I go five years. I just go. You do. I look at pictures. I look at, you know, just tells kind of where I was in my life and I think it's kind of cool. So it's a diary of sorts. Yeah. It's written by somebody else. Like, you know, you dick. The way you've been treating me is terrible. Like, I'm consistent. And then I think two weeks before, you know, anyway, cool. All right. You should, okay, I guess no one else cares. I care about you, Drew, and I think you're making a mistake by holding on to those photos. Really? Yeah, you are. You mean by keeping them to himself? No, he shouldn't be. He's holding on. There have been times I held on to myself. I'm not going to lie to you. No, but it's stopping you from finding a woman. No, no, no. Have you spoken to Drew outside of this show? No. What's stopping him from finding a woman? Good point. Good point. Thank you. Love you. These are my friends. All right. Smartest thing you've said all year. All year. Well, then, okay, I guess our advice for him is just get rid of them. She should get rid of them. Drew, once you... An accident. Drew, those people, you know, if someone comes into your place or breaks in, those things could go online. You don't know where they could go. You know, you don't want to be seen. They're not pictures of me. Me? Yeah, I mean, but do you want these women... I mean, don't you owe them something? Some privacy or... Vic, you care. No, the courts... You know what? I said I was not responsible. Who are you? Yeah. Are you the same guy that had the homophobe jokes like 20 minutes ago? I never had a homophobe joke. I said that if you're... I would like to replay the beginning of the show. The point was... No, the point of that comment was if you're a straight person, you don't want to walk in on your wife or girlfriend masturbating to a gay point because you're not gay. I assume Marco's not gay. Well, that's your first mistake. Okay. I did it once. Our next question... I did it once. It was a fraternity prank. I've never seen the guy again. This next question, guys, comes to us from Ben in La Crescenta. Ben wrote in, my wife's best friend is married to a guy that may or may not be racist. His comments make me uncomfortable. He's always saying things like the Jews or the blacks. What should I do? Dump him. He's racist. He can be sure. Yeah. Invite him to watch Schindler's List and see which side he's on. That's what he's rooting for. That's one good way to tell. Maybe see if he thinks Roots was a comedy, but... Yeah, I would say it's a little, you know, the question of is he, it's like if you're kind of starting off with the... Yeah, if you put the in front of it, you kind of have your answer. But, okay, so then what does he do? This is his wife's best friend, though. I think you invite him to a party and then you give him the address to like a Black Panther meeting and don't show up. That's my idea. Don't worry about the guy again. He's probably not coming back. I think you lead by example. I say you have this couple over for dinner and you bring in a minority. You know, it's like, okay, this is a Black, not the Black. Well, he might be the Black in the room. If his last name is Black. Is he doing stuff like drinking grape juice in front of these people or... What? Wow. I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I don't get, is that grape juice is like a thing you don't do? What is grape juice about? You'll think about it. Was that like a chicken joke? Is that? Send letters to Marco Asante at Skid Row Studios. No, I just think that if you can't just let this person, like, you can't just pretend it's not happening. So, you know, fine. Have some minorities over, Jews, Blacks, whatever. And every time he makes a comment, let him punch him. Right? Cliff, violence, violence. It's the answer. I support it. I support it. Beatings. Dump the guy. Beatings. Dump the friend. Dump the friend. Really? Yeah. The wife should lose her best friend because she's married to a potential racist. Yes. I never have the guy around. I did want to say... Can you be racist and still be a nice guy? No. Oh, okay. If anybody's listening, I'm usually much funnier than this. We'd like to thank Marco for drinking. Just wanted to share that. And he's been to Europe. Yes, that is the rumor. He's there right now. All right. Well, our next question then. This one was written in by Bob in Tampa. This is kind of an unusual one. Bob wrote in, I'm 30 years old, single, and almost entirely bald. I hate being bald, so sometimes I wear a hair piece. The piece looks totally real, but I want to know if I should spend thousands of dollars on hair transplants or just stick with the hair piece. I don't like being bald either, but I'm not gay. I'm sorry. I immediately thought... I looked at Vic because I thought he would have an answer. Vic is the only bald-headed man here. First of all, the problem with this is he sometimes wears it. You can't sometimes wear it. It's not like a ball cap. Is there a hair piece in existence that looks totally real? No. If sitcoms have taught me anything, and I've learned most of what I know from sitcoms, eventually somebody's going to walk in on this guy brushing that fuzzy yarmulke he calls a hair piece, and you're going to get caught. You're not going to go through life and not get caught. So if you can afford to wear a hair piece, you're going to get caught. So if you can afford to wear a hair piece, you can afford it, and if you care, if you can afford it, get yourself a fuzzy yarmulke that doesn't come off. I'm pretty sure during rough sex it'll fall off. That's why if you have a toupee or a headpiece, you should practice making love. Staple gun? Is it? Really? Bald is fashionable now. Yeah. Why wouldn't you want to be bald? Everybody... Shave your head. Look at Vic. He's a handsome man. Absolutely. Bald by choice is fashionable now. First of all, it's not bald. It's shaved head. We don't like to be called bald. We don't like... Yeah, but... We... Let's bring back the racist guy If you didn't shave your head, but you're still bald? It's politically incorrect and it's insulting. But what if you didn't shave your head? I'm not a bald man. I'm a man with a shaved head. What if you don't shave your head? Yeah, if you don't shave head, would you have hair? My dad doesn't shave his head. He's baldish. Do I have to pretend he has a bald head? Does he keep his side hair? Guys like me who choose this, we're not bald. I'm not bald. He chooses to recede back to his ass. No, I shave this and that makes me a shaved head guy. I refuse to... I don't like that. I don't like it and I don't want to become bald. And it's happened a couple times in the last decade. Isn't that politically incorrect? This hat that I have, all my hair is attached to this hat. Can I ask a question? And I am not inferring to your state of unbaldedness. But have you ever, like, considered a hairpiece or transplants or anything? Or my hairy hat. No. No. No, because I got this. I got a chest... So you just grab the chest hair. For those at home, Vince is grabbing some chest hair. I give this out for laughs and love. I give this out for laughs and love. I give this out for laughs and love. I give this out for laughs and love. I give this away once a year. The rarely known comb up that is rarely seen. Oh, this is my... This is... Women love this. And it compensates more than... And actually not having hair on my head makes my chest hair more luxuriant. And by women, he means nobody. No, women love this. They really do. They do. It's furry. It's soft. I use product. So you never shaved your chest. I use product. I use product. I use product on this. Mayonnaise is not a product. Now, did I rub it or grab onto it? They... You know what else? You want to play? You want to play a game? Not really. This is a game I play. It's called the chest hair pull. I do this. And then we say, how many hairs did I pull? Take a guess. Take a guess. I'm going with six. It is not a guess when I say that's the worst moment of my life. Yeah. That... Yeah. For those listening, Vic just pulled his chest hair. One... I've got about 20 hairs here. Yeah. I'll verify that. Do you have a record? What's your record? I usually get 20 to 30 hairs on a pull. And it doesn't hurt. It's just me shedding. Oh. It's like... You should take that in for evidence. You're going to make a fine carpet. Got to see if it's... It tells you something. Women love this. I don't even get why men shave their chest because it's a really big asset. It's the thing that women love. They love that and my eyelashes and my eyebrows. My chest is bald. I have no hair. Is that true? Yeah. Let me see. I can't... Nothing. Look at this. Wow. That's crazy. Seriously, we need more women on this show. For all the... For all the shirts that come off during this podcast, we should really have more women on. Unless they're also going to pull out a hand of hair. I'm fine. We need hairy women on this show. I just saw the gentleman that's working behind the booth there. We did have a call up until Vic went and stuck his hand in his shirt. Did we? Did you freak somebody out? No, that was a joke. The intern was sleeping. I think he said that the guy could be calling from Europe. Cliff, you're right. Having a shaved head is actually very stylish. Absolutely. It's fashionable. Listen, I don't want to bring this up, but now you guys are pretty close to me. I just started shaving my balls. It seems so exciting, like dangerous. It's like having two heads. Do you do that? Does everybody do it? I've been doing that for years. I've been shaving your balls. Yeah, I did. How do you do it? I don't know how to do it. I don't. I parted on the side. Don't use a razor. Here's an old kid that said, do not use a razor blade. Yeah. Really? How do you use it? You got to use one of those little shaver things. I've also seen Vic able to grab a full thing of hair. You don't want to use a razor. I use a Mac 3. No, you'll be... No, no, it's his neighbor, Mac. You want to trim. He's three. It's Mac who is three. After the show, Vic will show you. Because he's the right height. I use... Razors are fine for me. Razors, yeah. It's got to be smooth. As long as you use shaving cream. Yeah, you don't want to use a razor. Trust me. What the hell is going on here? You don't want to use a straight edge. This is a very weird day today. Don't use a straight edge. I use a razor. It's never given me any problems because I do it really carefully. You're shaving slow. And you got to wait until the room temperature is just right because you don't want your nutsack to be sagging. Now, does the guy ever get upset that you're going too slow when you're shaving his balls or no? No, this is me doing it to myself. It's a treat. It's a treat. I got to use my reading glasses. It's so weird. I just use the cream that makes it fall off. Near? Really? Near. Near. You guys are pussy. It hurts a little, but toughen up. It's not bad. I haven't done it. I look like I got Barbara Bush in leg scissors. It's a bad scene down there. You got to do it. It's a different sensation. It's like a baby's ass down there. Nice. I don't know when I reach down my pants, I want a baby's ass down there. That's a problem. And women appreciate it when you have shaved balls. You know what, Vince? I do it for me. I do it for me. Okay. So people who have women grabbing their balls, those women appreciate it. I'll wait until that happens. I'll wait for the request. No, you don't have to. I do it for me. I don't have a woman in my life. I just have beautiful, soft testicle size. Yeah. And it's nice. When I go to the bathroom, it's a surprise. It feels great. It does. It's soft. I go, yeah, that feels nice. Seriously, next week it's going to be me and five women. All of them shave their balls. He's a sheriff. This man is like a real man's man and he's shaving his balls. It's what people are doing, Drew. It's not like softer. I'm not saying I don't do it. I'm saying I don't need to spend five minutes talking about it. There's a difference. We're trying to help people. We got a minute and 36 seconds. All right. Before we get out of here, anybody have things they want to plug? I know every Sunday, myself, and Ken August, we do the weekly wrap-up here at Skid Row. That's from four to five every Sunday. What about you, Vic? Vic Cohen. I'd love for you guys to find me on Facebook and check me out on my YouTube and my website. It's V-I-C-C-O-H-E-N. And you can see all the things that Vic shaves right there on his website. There is a shaving video. I'm doing, I know it's a little far away, but I'm doing a Laugh Factory in Vegas, September 10th to the 16th. Nice. 2015. My boy, Mike Marino. Yeah. That's some little good news. That's good. And I'm going to Europe in two weeks. Go to cliffyates.com. Cop by day, comic by night. I frequently open for Mike Marino, one of the greatest comedians that there is. And we tour the country when I'm not working my cop job. I am a real cop by day. People think I'm with the LAPD. I'm not. I'm with the Sheriff's Department. We're different. We shoot people in the front. Cliffyates.com. See you there. All right. Vince Royale. I will be at the Brea Improv June 19th headlining along with my buddy Drew Marks. And that's a Tuesday night at 8 p.m., guys. Yeah. So June 19th, actually, if you want free tickets to that June 19th show at the Improv, just leave a message on the Facebook page for Bad Advice and we'll make sure you get into the show. Or yeah, our messages at our Facebook pages, Drew Marks and Vince Royale. Okay. We got seven seconds. I want to thank everybody for listening. We'll see you next week for an all-new episode of Bad Advice.