Interview with Dr. Ann Parra on conscious living and parenting

Hello, this is Julianne Good and this is Psych One-on-One. Welcome. Welcome. We are here to make psychology more understandable with tips for you, your family and friends for making your lives easier. And I just want to start the show tonight with a personal shout out. I was recently reunited with one of my cousins from Wisconsin, Jamie Peterson, and we have not seen each other for 40 years. So we got to spend a weekend together up in Cambry. It was absolutely gorgeous if you get a chance to go up there. Great place to have a little vacation. So you just need to be water conservative up there. It's really, really dry, which is pretty much the whole state of California at this point. So yeah, shout out for, you know, conserving water as much as possible to wherever you are in California. So the power of family was really reinstilled this weekend with Jamie. I had a great time with her. She inspired me. When I was a little girl to go on and do music semi-professionally, she has a great voice and she is currently recording the CD, which was just wonderful to hear her sing again. It's just so inspiring. So thank you so much, Jamie. I had a great weekend. It was my birthday weekend also. So it was very special. Thank you. So my special guest tonight is Dr. Ann Parra. We are going to be talking about the challenge of conscious living. And also her beautiful, beautiful book called Taken to Heart, Parenting Our Children and Reparenting Ourselves Through the Healing Power of Story. Gorgeous book. And this book is a lot about, you know, just raising children consciously, reparenting ourselves if we have been hurt or traumatized along the way. And it's some great stories. And I've just, she recommended just opening the book. And having something pop up. So I'm going to read something that popped up with me a little bit later on. But I would like to tell you about her. She is a lifelong student. Dr. Parra is an educator and a parent. And she has learned to live successfully with ADD, learning four, or excuse me, earning four advanced degrees, culminating in a PhD from Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara. Gorgeous. Gorgeous school. She owns and administrates a Montessori school in Southern California. And for over 40 years, she's been a mentor for aspiring teachers and a master teacher to three generations of students. Internationally known on the Montessori community. She has been a feature presenter of national and international educator conferences. So welcome, Dr. Parra. How are you? Well, my goodness. That's me? That is you. Well, and may I just say happy birthday a little bit late. Thank you. And it sounds like you had a wonderful weekend. It was great. I've never been that far up north in California. And it was just blended up there. Well, remembering Cambria myself from my own honeymoon, I can say that was a wonderful choice. So I'm happy to be with you this evening. Yes. And we're happy. We're happy that you're with us, too. So tell us a little bit about your background. Well, you know, I was thinking about that as you invited me. You know, what really the bug that bit in my early years when you mentioned, did you say Wisconsin? Yes. Well, I was born in Iowa and raised all around the Great Lakes, spent time in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana. So I'm a Midwesterner. I'm from the roots. Yes. And I spent several years on a farm in upstate Illinois and actually went to a one-room schoolhouse. Wow. And by the time I got to the second grade, they had moved us over to the big school. But that time that I spent in that little one-room schoolhouse where everybody was learning what everybody was doing and the amazing teacher that... brought us through that experience in such a beautiful way just had me fall in love with learning. And so it's just been a part of me ever since. I think that's definitely what was one of the major inspirations for me to just want to be a teacher. So then when I got old enough to babysit, I was the one that would play school with all my little children that I babysat. And they didn't mind. They didn't mind because I made it fun. So then along the way, as a mother of two little girls, I came upon Montessori. In the Midwest, there were no schools, Montessori schools where I lived. But I did everything I could to start making the materials and doing everything, learning every bit I could. And then we moved out to California and discovered that we moved barely a mile from a Montessori school. I said, take me. I'm yours. Oh, yeah. And the rest is history. I went back to the... I took the special training from someone who had lived with Maria Montessori in Italy... Excuse me, in India during the Second World War and came here and continued to teach Montessori the rest of her life. So I've been very, very blessed to... You know, all this whole journey has been all about being a champion. Yeah. And being a champion for children and, you know, loving learning. Yeah, that's so important nowadays is to learn to love learning. It really is because I've known a few people who they had bad experiences during, you know, somewhere along the line between kindergarten and 12th grade. And then they decided that they were going to just stop learning. They were going to stop reading and they were going to just get by however they could. And it's made their lives really difficult. So my big thing, too, is that if you're in that boat, you can always learn how to educate yourself again. Learn exactly because not everybody learns in the same fashion. Oh, that's absolutely true. And that's one of the things that was so good about Montessori because we could honor each child's way of learning and respect it and really help them along the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. embrace children who are called the ADD, their need to move, well, it's okay to move here. You don't have to sit in the seat and not say a word and just work on paper all day long. You can actually get up and move around and interact with the materials and with the other children. So it seems like a more of a learning-friendly environment in many ways. And what you said, oh, Julianne, you brought back a memory that just actually brought tears. A mother who had her son in our school for three years, and we just have the three to six, so their kindergarten, first grade, they can go, but then they move on by second. And she came back and she said, it's so sad because she's watching the light go out of her son's eyes because he doesn't feel fed. And the program, the public program that he was moved into, and that's just something that is so dear to my heart, that there's so many things that we want to encourage parents to do to support their children's learning and just be a champion for your child as they go through school. Exactly. Even if they have to go through the traditional educational process. You know, what, what would you recommend for people to keep their child or maybe their niece or nephew or any, any little one in their lives? What would you recommend to keep them encouraged into loving learning? I'd say lateral enrichment is a good way. I, and for instance, even now I encourage families to do, take educational field trips as a family together. Find out what your child's passion is. And then go from there. You know, if they're really into rocks and minerals or they're really into dinosaurs or they're really into something, find that thing that, where the child's passion is and you, and support that for the way to break into, oh, but here's how math or here's how, you know, the language skills or something could fit in, into that learning. And then doing library or, you know, online, you know, online learning. I think it's just so important for people to keep themselves entertained. to help them stay excited about learning something. And that may be the thing that pulls them along toward, you know, really what they want to do as they mature. Because that someone had the be with kind of thing that I call it, you know, beside that child, looking out with wonder and appreciation for the mysteries of the world. And there's so much richness in nature and in delving into science. Exactly. You know, there's so much going on that, you know, the dry learning for, you know, teaching to the test, learning for the test kind of thing that school doesn't seem to have time. To really nurture that passion. So family can help to do that for the children. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. And I mean, really anybody in that child's life can spur that on. And I agree. And I really think that no matter how old you are, you should always be doing something that sparks you, that adds that passion in your life. Because then whatever you go through, you're not dragged down by, you always have something to look forward to. You always have something new to learn, no matter how old you are. I've been blessed in my life to have people in their 80s, on and off, that still continued to learn, that still had a spark for life. And I met Albert Bandura, who is a famous social psychologist about a year or two ago. He's 87 years old. And he was doing, a lecture circuit at Chapman University. And I got to talk to him and he still had that spark in his eyes. And he was still signing autographs in his book. And I thought, that's what I want to be when I'm 87. That's what I want to be when I grow up too. That's right. Well, Dr. Montessori was 82 when she passed and she still was working. She was still out there and she's absolutely been my inspiration. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of it. works and and i am still acting uh and still volunteering and certainly intend to continue continue to do so i'm gonna keep those synapses firing exactly that is so important that is so important so as you know we get into this um this theme a little bit about the challenges of conscious living what do you mean by that there is a a level of awareness of noticing what we're up to and paying attention you know being present to what we're doing that is such a challenge in this hurry up get her done kind of culture that we're surrounded with it's bumblebees bombarding us with with you know what's next what's next what's next but with intentional practice we can bring ourselves to be present especially when we're in relationship with our children with our family members in our relationships to to really be there when you're there yes that's that's the first thing that we need to do is to be present to the world and to be present to the world but it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it And I think that it connects to one of the principles that I talk about in my book. I have three that I clarify in the writing of Taken to Heart. And that is, first is the principle of meaning making. That there's, the way I put it simply is, there's what happens and there's what we make it mean. And to be the observer noticing, oh, what did I just make that mean? Especially when you have a reaction that's not particularly pleasant or surprising. To say, oh, hmm, what did I just make that mean? Is there any other response possible? Is something else possible? Versus just going with your first, oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. That would put you in a state where you might have a moment to rethink. To be aware of what choice you're making. To be observing yourself, as it were. Does that make sense? Yes. And you're not just going with your first gut reaction. Yeah. And getting into a purely emotional state of mind. And if it's any negativity connected with it, it's the fear, the anger, the guilt, the shame. Yes. And that can be one of the things that really makes relating and relationships so difficult. When we tend to be unconsciously going through life, we tend to react emotionally. Because the emotions are connected to more of the unconscious brain. Sort of like we're run by them. But when we can start saying, oh, notice how I'm feeling about this. Does this serve me well? And I heard you mention anger. That's a really important area for me in working. With families and seeing children, little ones already coming to school just full of anger. And needing to act out. Because it's building up inside. Because they are like little spongy mirrors, you know? They are. They feel what's going on around them. And not having quite the language to articulate it. Or the experience yet of ways to handle. And they're mirroring back what they're seeing in the grownups and the environment around them. Yes. Which also includes, unfortunately, the media. Which is quite full of, may I say, violence and negativity. Definitely. And that makes for a challenge. I had a conversation just a couple evenings ago with a dad. Who was, he stated it this way, just, well, there's nothing wrong with anger. And, of course, I wasn't interested in getting into a debate. But I found that an interesting point of view. What does that mean exactly? So if that means to convey that it's acceptable to become angry. To be honest. To admit to feeling angry and reaction to something. Then I'd say, well, I agree with the idea that being self-aware and being authentic is right. And quite healthy. But on the other hand, if there's nothing wrong with anger, I don't think it's a completely accurate statement. And certainly in terms of human physiology. From the perspective of what anger does to the human body. As it's spreading through its complex, intricately interconnected system. Anger can and does produce a number of wrong internal effects. Especially in the long term. So anger is an emotional state that tends to cascade out into the environment and affects others as well. So it's fair to say that a great deal of wrong can be created from anger. And it's a great deal of wrong. From an angry state of being. And most people, and it's not an exaggeration, I don't think, to say. Most people under the influence of anger don't think clearly. They don't. And that alone is a reason to reconsider whether another response might be more helpful. So it's not that you shouldn't feel angry. I even taught children a song. It's okay to feel. I won't sing it, but I'll say it to you. Okay. It's okay to feel whatever you feel. If you feel sad or mad or glad, those feelings are yours and those feelings are real. And whatever you're feeling, it's good to know feelings change as we learn and we grow. That's beautiful. I like that. I'd like to hear that song sometime off the air. Okay. You can sing that to me personally. With my auto harp, it sounds a little better. Oh, nice. Yeah, auto harp. And those are great. I haven't heard one of those in years. That's great. That's really beautiful. Yes. Well, Dr. Ann, what we're going to do is take a short commercial break. And then I would like to come back and then talk to you about the other two principles that you wrote about in your book. Okay? Okay. And a little about fear. Yes, most definitely. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The Chicago School of Professional Psychology offers numerous psychology, behavioral, and health-related science graduate degrees at three campuses, Los Angeles, California, including branches in Westwood and Irvine, Chicago, Illinois, and Washington, D.C., and online. The Chicago School prepares students to meet the ever-changing mental health needs of society through classroom experience and real-world training. The Chicago School Counseling Centers in Irvine and Westwood provide caring, confidential, and affordable psychological services to individuals and their families. For more information, visit thechicagoschool.edu. And welcome back to Psych 101 with Julianne Good and Dr. Ann Parra. And we're talking about the challenges of conscious living and parenting and reparenting yourself. And we're talking about Dr. Ann's book, Taken to Heart. Beautiful book. I really recommend it. There's a lot of insight in this book, and it's just really relaxing to read. So we were talking about the principles of universal principles that you wrote about in your book. Now, you had mentioned before about making or meaning making. So what are the other two principles? Well, the second principle really arises out of the first. Because once you're in that state we were talking about where you become aware of how you're being and what state of mind you're presenting to the world, and you begin to be in a place where you can question, take a moment, just take a beat and say, what am I making? What am I making this mean? What is it that I'm being presented and how do I want to be with it? Then the second principle is the principle of true choice. And one of the aspects of it that I have found really interesting to share with parents is this idea that as their children are learning what it means to be human, there is this idea of, I'm going to think how to put it, what, I've got to pull my thought here just for a moment. Okay. Until there is an honored no, there cannot be an authentic yes. Hmm. Can you explain that a little bit? That sounds pretty deep. Yes. When, I'll give you a scenario. Mommy's in the, sitting in the living room with the little one. And the TV is on. And she says, honey, would you go get mommy your, my something or other. And the child. Doesn't do it. Mom, would you, would you please go get my such and such. And the child says, I really don't want to. You know, in, in some form. And the, and the mother's attitude about it is, well, but I asked you nicely. However. If you're asking. I'm just saying it's just a matter of time before it goes anywhere. I'm just saying it's just a matter of time before it goes anywhere. otherwise it's a politely masked demand. And I think, to my way of thinking, it's an important distinction. It may seem very subtle, but it isn't to the children. Like, if you're asking me, then I can engage my will and choose yes or no. And if it's just a demand, then let's be clear about it. And as my own children have grown, when I've asked for something and they say yes, we have a relationship that allows them so that when they say yes and they do it, they're doing it because they're choosing in, not because, well, if you say it nice, then you have to. And I think there's something in that for parents to just consider in the way they, if it's a mutual respect with their children. You don't always say yes. You don't always say no. But the way in which we relate with each other, once they're, and this goes all the way into adulthood in girl-boy relationships. If I say no, that needs to mean no. And that gets really important. You know what I mean? But if it's always been, well, if they're asking me nicely, then I have to give in. Well, no, you still have that right to say what is right in integrity with yourself. Exactly. I think it starts young. Yeah. And wouldn't that be nice if everybody learned to respect each other like that and say, okay, if I ask you a question, a yes, no question, you actually have the choice to choose. And if you choose the answer I don't especially want you to choose, then we can have a discussion about it versus asking that question and expecting that person to do what you want him or her to do, period. And you're right in disguising that. That's not correct. Exactly. Well, you're a kid, so you're going to do it because I said, and I'm asking you nice, so you shouldn't give me any lip. Well, I have a tip for parents that has helped not only with children but with spouses. If you can honestly mean it, nonviolent communication, Marshall Rosenberg says, he asks it this way, would you be willing to da-da-da-da-da? Mm-hmm. If you're not willing, I don't want you to do it. Okay. Okay. That's what that means. Right. I want you to do it from your willingness. Isn't that respectful? That's very respectful. I love that. Yes. Would you be willing to? And if not, oh, okay. You know, I can get other help or think of, you know, go to Plan B. But for me not to get upset, and if I'm upset when I say, are you willing to and you say no, that means then I wasn't really asking. No, you were trying to manipulate that person. Yeah. Right. And that is where true. True respect is born out of that kind of trust that I'm going to respect your response and I really only want from you what you're willing to give. That's really true love, isn't it? It is true love. Yeah. Yeah. So we were also, we touched on the idea of, we touched on anger and communications. And we were going to maybe talk a little bit about, you know, fear. Yes. And how that can affect a life. Actually a whole life trajectory. Multi-generational sometimes. Oh, my goodness, yes. And bless their hearts, I always like to remind parents that if you have some questions about how to raise your children and you, on the one hand, you don't kind of want to do it the way your parents did it or their parents did it. But you're... You know, looking around for an alternative, you know, bless you. Because parents, I always like to say they did the best with what they knew. Right. And I think each of us can give ourselves that gift. I did when I... I did what I knew. And when I knew better, I did better. Yes. That's... I have to give Maya Angelou credit for that. And that's so true. You know, what's really interesting... Yeah. ...ann is that I have a good friend that is six months pregnant and I know she's worried about mothering. Oh. And I told her, this is what I did because I was afraid when I became a mother that I was going to make the same mistakes that my parents made. And I was consciously going, no, I'm not going to be doing the same type of parenthood because I knew when I was going through my childhood that a lot of the things that they did were going to be the same. So it's a lot of the things that they did were mistakes. But again, as you said, they didn't know any better, especially the older generation, everybody was just doing whatever their parents did. They didn't question it. They didn't have the parenting books out that they have now. So what I recommended to my friend was a book on positive psychology by Martin Seligman. And I forgot which one it was in particular, but it has a picture of a child up front. It might be positive parenting or something like that. Great book. Well, I have one that I recommend as well. Anything by Alfie Kahn. That's A-L-F-I-E and the Kahn is K-O-H-N. But he has a book. She reads this before the baby's born. Unconditional Parenting. Ooh. Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. And I love it. I always recommend it to my parents and my family. Great recommendation. Yeah. I think everybody needs to be, you know, once you find out you're pregnant, go out and get the information and read up, you know, instead of doing the same thing. There's so much information out there now about positive parenting and setting good, healthy boundaries. Because kids still need boundaries in order to grow up properly instead of just letting them run amok and not paying any attention to them. And when they're throwing temper tantrums and thinking that that's going to be going away, right? I mean... Yeah. It's a phase. They'll get over it. Right. Not always. And setting boundaries is, again, something that I'm finding. Because I've seen, you know, 40-plus years of children come through. And we are raising different children than we had 40 years ago. Yeah. They're just different. They're growing different brains. They're different. And the mood, you know, the... Just the ambiance that they live in is so difficult. And so setting clear boundaries is really essential in a loving way. Love and logic, which has an online presence, is another area to go. Where... And I'll just... Their short statement of how they approach the idea is that when you need to... When you need to discipline, it's about... You give empathy first. Love and understanding. Like a child's had a problem. Oh, wow, that was really... That was really tough, huh? Okay, now what are we going to do about it? You know, now we're going to go. But first you give them the love and empathy so that they know you're there for them. You're supporting them. You know that they're going to make mistakes. They're going to have challenges. That's what life has lots of. Opportunities for learning. Yes. And then out of that, then, okay, I'm with you, kiddo. What are you going to do about it? What's your plan? Do you need some suggestions? You know, let them come up with ideas. And let me know how that... Oh, you're going to try that one? Great. Let me know how that works. There's some really good stuff there, too. Yeah, little kid logic is interesting to get into. Trying to find out how their brains are clicking at the moment. Exactly. It's fascinating. And see what a message... What a message that sounds like. Well, what do you think? You know, next time something like that happens, well, how do you think you're going to handle it? Are you going to handle it the same or differently? Mm-hmm. Oh. And then when the kids get to the age, because some of the folks are going to have older children than the ones that I deal with on a regular basis, so when they get to the point where they don't really want to listen to you anyway, you know, because you don't really know much, and they go through that phase, you know, so then you don't give them straight up what you think, of course. You say... Okay. Okay. Okay. You say, oh, would you like to hear what some other kids have tried? And then throw those out there. And, of course, you throw out a couple that you know they're going to resist the first couple anyway, and then you go on to, you know, there's this and this and this. You know, how about any... But it's not my idea. Some other kids have tried these things. That's great. That's a way to just circumvent that whole issue. I love that one. That is great. Very unique. Okay. What is the third principle? The third principle before we go to break? Oh, yeah. The girl wants to know the third principle. Yes. Well, we've come through the principle of meaning making and the principle of true choice, choice like from the heart. When we get to there, how do we want to be in the world? How do we want to show up in the world? And no one has said it better than Gandhi. The principle of modeling. Be the change. You want to see in the world. It's powerful. When you start with change, with yourself. Yes. And one of those aspects that I'll throw in right off the bat is being humble enough to say, ooh, I messed up. Can we do a do-over? Mm-hmm. Be willing to apologize to your children. Be willing to humble yourself and say, wow, that was a reaction that was not in our best interest. You know? Mm-hmm. Let's go back and rework that, shall we? And be willing to apologize to show them. That's one aspect of it. The other part is how are we going to be in the world? I've told my kids for ages, you don't have to wait until you're grown up to make a difference. I love the idea of volunteering as a family. Ooh. When they're young, start off with, you know, might go to the Sierra Club and help clean up a trail together as a family. As the kids get older, rather than lose them to, you know, they don't want to do anything with you, hey, we're going to go have a test for you, you're going to help build a house for somebody. And then watch the response. You know, do soup kitchen with the kids even when they're young. Mm-hmm. Know that that's how we be in this world. This family cares. This family cares about other people, and making the world a little bit better in ways that we can. And that, by the way, also goes back to helping our children grow to be entrepreneurial as well as philanthropic. Well, gee, that's the way people do things, isn't it? So that it's second nature to them. That's beautiful. And community service is so important. Absolutely. So many people in need right now. The third part of my book has lots of suggestions for, like the ones that I've given, and some resources for even going on eco-vacations as a family. Mm. That kind of thing. That's great. So way back there somewhere you asked me about, it was a question about childhood and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, becoming that trajectory of life. There's a thread, through thread in my book about the way I started in the farm up until my epiphany. Mm-hmm. And if we have a couple of minutes, I could share that. What I'm going to do, Dr. Ans, have you come back in with that? We're going to take a musician's, I'm going to take a musician's, musical break and another commercial and then let's come back in with that and I'd also like to talk to you about the aspect in your book about reparenting ourselves okay well the thing that we that you just mentioned that we can share with will end there I promise you okay perfect that sounds so good all right thanks are you searching for answers and insight to life issues is the behavior of family or friends questionable or concerning find tips and possible solutions from the convenience of your own PC cell phone or tablet at therapy cable calm therapy cable has the most comprehensive library of contemporary therapy videos online help may be as easy as a few clicks away therapy cable offers comprehensive therapy videos ranging from addiction to self-care and contact information for qualified providers by the answers to your life challenges at therapy cable calm!! I'm sure Blows your mind that you don't care for shit Waking up to kingdom come With a nightmare of endless fear Everyone knows I am the last of the natural ones Let yourself go and have some fun I am the last of the natural ones hello and welcome welcome back to psych one-on-one with julianne good and dr ampera and before a little break we were talking about your childhood epiphany and the trajectory of coming into a a healing circle and expanding your horizons from that base yes well i love the way you put that i i wanted to start by uh sharing just a little passage from the book so because you know from the introduction that you gave to the folks that are listening about our uh that my phd was in mythology mythological studies so i got very interested in the personal myths that that people uh create in themselves so the how i put it here is our personal myths are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are! are being. That's powerful. I decided to use my own stories because my childhood suggested I could very well have gotten stuck as an orphan, as a victim. I tell in the intro that I was ADD back when it used to be spelled B-R-A-T. That's an interesting way of putting it. And so I was, you know, quite a bit of a challenge to folks who did not understand my wild child way of being. So that I'm sure contributed to the situation, but I was removed from my biological mother and placed in an orphanage. And from there, I was adopted. I was adopted out to a family, to a couple that I did not know. And they had a child, 18-month-old, when I came into the family. And we went and lived on that farm that I mentioned earlier. And what I want to share with you, if I may, is a poem that I wrote about that experience. Poetry has been a wonderful cathartic outlet. It's been a great outlet for me over the years. So what I will say here, by way of intro, is that it was actually several decades later that I gained access to the mystery of those childhood fears that I was haunted with for so many years. What it was that had caused me to have so many years of fear. And I had so much fear that I would not, could not stand up for myself to find a way to get help or get away from the abusive environment that I had lived in for all those years. And I was in a creative writing class at college after my divorce, living alone again, and was given an assignment to write a poem about an element of my childhood. So I was sitting alone one night. So I had a great idea of what it would be like to write a poem about it. So I wrote it down on the wall of my desk, and it had a lot of its own features. So it had its own features, its own May I share that poem with you? Please do. It's called Farm Poem, Good Girl. Searching the far pasture for salt lick and wild rhubarb, I came upon him, cold stone still, eyes staring out from darkly matted fur. There in that dry creek bed, any large stone could have been the one that killed him. My six-year-old legs wouldn't take me any closer, but they wouldn't let me run away. Salt tears started down and I blinked hard, trying to see what must have happened there, but only one image would come. The big old Buick pulling up to the farmhouse after market day in town, and my dog jumping crazy glad to see us, knocking down baby sister. Back again. Against the running board of the car, sister crying, mother grabs her up, hollering at daddy, that damn dog, now look what he's done. I've had it with that stupid dog. He'll never learn how to behave. Mother heads for the house. This is the last straw. The kitchen door slams shut. Holding my breath, stooping closer, I slowly stretched out my hand to touch his mud-caked shoulders. The lump in my throat hurt bad. I'm so sorry, Dusty. I know you didn't mean to. You couldn't help it if you aren't always a good dog. They didn't have to... Suddenly, I decided not to think or cry anymore. In place of tears, a dark, nameless fear walked with me out of the pasture, that morning. And I never told. Your dog must have run away, daddy announced over biscuits and gravy next evening. I knew better. And now I knew for sure I wasn't supposed to know. I never told. Wow. I never told until... Until... That evening when I read it aloud in the creative writing class. Oh. That must have been so cathartic for you. Oh, um, just... So eye-opening and heart-opening and... Oh, my God, now I understand why... all she had to do was snap her fingers and, you know, you'd be better behave or else. And there was never a question. And how many of us have been placed into that position when we were children? Yes. That image that haunts us... Yes. ...and affects every choice we make in our relationships. We sometimes marry into the same kind of situation. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, the cycle continues from childhood. Yeah. Now, where we were going with this, is what happens to allow the reparenting. Yes. Because that is when I finally woke up to what had happened to me and what I wanted to do about it. That happened when I was six. I was 35 now. And I had a new opportunity. Yes. And I had a new opportunity to decide who I'm going to be in this world. And I really took myself on. And I did everything I knew to stop allowing fear to stop me from living my life. And one of the things that this very perceptive teacher suggested was that I go talk to my father. My stepmother had already passed, but that I go talk to him about it. So I did. I took him out to lunch one day. And I told him the story of what I had remembered. And he denied it completely. And you know what? It didn't really matter. At that point, he wasn't the one who was going to fix it. It was even logical that after all those years, it wasn't the experience for him that it was for me. Right. It's just as possible. And here comes the other part. What else could I make this mean? That was stepmother spouting off. That was dad doing what he did to please her, thinking that that was the fix. And nobody considered that I would even ever see that dog. I'm the one who made it mean that they were going to do that to me. You see? I could unpack that story. And I could re-vision it for myself so that it could heal and help me let go of the emotions that I had. The emotions tied to that story, tying me to that story. Right. Yeah, because otherwise you're stuck in that time frame. Yeah, it's like a time warp. It is. You can't quite let go of it until you are able to tell your story. You are able to experience those emotions that you were not allowed to in the beginning. And that is incredibly powerful. That is healing right there. So when we talk about a healing story, because the power of healing stories, my life has been so different since then. Yes. And so let me share. Knowing what I know now, what else and what more are possible, so much more than I could ever have dreamed once upon a time, had my life not given me the very gift that I received. The key of unlocking the gift of grace has been the revelation, and here it comes, the importance and the power of forgiveness and gratitude. Yes. I highly agree. Those are the two most important things that I can say. Yes. To have forgiven. And I was able to forgive my stepmother before she passed and hold her hand when she died, when she was dying. That is forgiveness. Yeah. And I needed to do that for myself. Yes. My own healing story truly began when I finally realized that at the source, most of the stuff aimed at me was never about me in the first place, never about who I am. It had always been about what they had made me mean to them. Right. Exactly. Once that crucial piece of my puzzle was in place, in my conscious awareness, it became my touchstone for the redemptive process of becoming myself. That's beautiful. And thank you. And thank you. And Dr. Parra, we are out of time. We could keep going. As we had discussed on the phone earlier today, we could keep going. And I would love to have you on another program. Do we have time for one last poem? We've got about a minute and 30 seconds, and I would like you to actually, if you would, Okay. let the listeners know how they can get a copy of this book. Well, it is on Amazon and on Kindle, and I would so appreciate anyone who has found value in our conversation to find it online. It's just taken to heart, parenting our children and reparenting ourselves through the healing power of story. Lots of poetry. I've also lost a child. My oldest daughter passed. I've had a near-death experience. There's a whole lot in this book that we didn't even begin to touch. I know. So it would please me so very much if it could get out to more folks and help people take on those principles for themselves and for their children. I agree. And your website is www.preciouschild.net, and that's P-R-E-I-S-T-I-O-L-D.net. Preciouschild.net. Preciouschild Enterprises. I'll show you this cover. I love this cover. It's just, it's beautiful. So, Dr. Ann Parra, thank you so much for being on this evening, and I'm looking forward to having you on again. Thank you so very much. Blessings to everyone. Thank you, and blessings to you, too. And if any of the listeners have any questions, please feel free to ask them. And I'm going to turn it over to Dr. Ann Parra. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you, Dr. Ann. Thank you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so Again, that's 562-234-4650. I would love to thank my board operator for this evening, Andy Jackson, our executive producer, Jeremy Hansen. And please stay tuned for the Qumran Report on right after me. And thank you so much for listening. This has been Julianne Good for Psych One-on-One. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. Bye now. We'll see you next time.