Keeping New Year's resolutions alive with Dr. Mikkel Harris

Hello and welcome to Psych One-on-One. I am Julianne Good and we are here to make psychology more understandable with tips for you, your family and your friends to make your lives easier. Tonight my special guest returning is Dr. Mikkel Harris and we are going to be talking about keeping New Year's resolutions alive. So many of us have good intentions at this time of the year and we have all of these goals and all of these wishes to make these changes that are going to make our lives better. So we're going to talk about how can we keep those promises to ourselves and keep on going and make changes for the better. So Dr. Harris, hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? I'm doing so great. Thank you so much for having me back on the show. It's always a pleasure. Yeah, we always have fun. Thank you for being back. Yeah, I'm excited to see what we get into over the next few moments. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So can you tell the listening audience a little bit about your background? Sure. I work currently at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology in Los Angeles as an associate professor and I'm also a licensed clinical psychologist with a specialty in health psychology and specifically grief and loss. And I tried to twist your arm and talk about death and dying. This is right. But we decided no, we wouldn't start the year off. Exactly. We'll start off on a positive note. We'll start off on a positive note and get this year rolling the way it should go. Yes. So thank you. Yeah, thank you. So I like the term New Year's resolution. I think that can be really a heavy word for a lot of people. I think that can be really a heavy word for a lot of people. I think that can be really a heavy word for a lot of people. Resolution. You know, like I need to resolve something. To me, that puts it into the context of I have a problem. It needs to be solved. It needs to be taken care of within this time frame. Can you make a comment about that? Yeah. So in preparation for our show, I decided to literally review the definition of resolution. And when I did, the definition really is to settle or find a solution. And when I did, the definition really is to settle or find a solution. So you're exactly right. I think that we go into the new year looking at these issues that we want to focus on as problematic. And so we're already kind of in this sometimes a negative space as we think about this area that we want to address. And we're looking at it in a very single minded, one track mind type of fashion, which can help set people up for failure, unfortunately. Yeah, because you're coming from an angle of there's something wrong with me. I need to, I need to take care of this now. Yeah, right. Versus coming in with a positive frame of mind. Yeah, I think that our society completely sets us up to end the year in this mindset of, okay, it's the beginning of a new year. I've got to start something new. I've got to attack a problem. And so we tend to get caught up in the hype of the new year without really thinking our own individual lives through. Do we really even need to? We don't need to resolve anything in our lives, perhaps, but maybe not. And so it's important that we really think about what we need to be addressing in our lives, if anything. And not be so influenced by outside forces like advertising. Oh, yeah. These catchy little slogans. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So many come to mind. I can easily think of quotes like, become your best you, embrace your new self. And it's all about starting something new. Yeah. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But I think that it's easy to get caught up in the advertising. And if you look at the different types of advertising that we see, there's so many kind of venues that focus on that. Health and wellness. We see it in fitness. We see it in eating, nutrition, and the list could go on and on and on. And dating. You know, the dating sites start hitting that, find your soulmate. Yes. This is so cool. This is the time to do it. Yes. And I think this really comes on the heels of the whole holiday hype. You know, because they're like, you know, go get a gift for somebody else. Go and, you know, make them love you. This is the perfect gift to make them love you forever. And then, okay, so that stuff. So how are the advertisers, how are these businesses going to keep going? Okay, so now it's time to focus on you. Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. to TMI. But over the years, I've definitely done like the online dating sites. And what will happen is towards the end of the year, you know, you would have spent these months with pretty much a desert. It's literally dry land, like you're not getting any hits. No one's matching with you and so forth. However, that last week of December, all of a sudden you're getting, wow, we matched you with 25 people, this person might be the perfect one. And so you're already there almost playing on that fact that you really want to find this person in your life. And again, coupled with this end of year push to kind of focus inwardly and make things happen for yourself. You then push send, you renew their subscription for another year, send that $200 and then you start the year off. And all of a sudden what happens? All of a sudden those matches drop off. Exactly. And those 25 matches were just, there was the scrolling. The scrolling down of look at all those available men, you know, but they're just fake because they're male models. They're not real men. They're not available. Yeah. They're the ones who all of a sudden there's no profile picture. I think the dating sites probably make these people up and match them to everybody in their system so that they feel like they can actually continue with the subscription. Yes. And those photos are photoshopped. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So I've definitely been there with dating sites. And in so many other areas as well. So yeah, I think it's great to focus on yourself, but you've again, got to think about what are those areas that I really do need to enhance if any, and that may not necessarily be the case for your life. So you've got to spend some time evaluating that. And then how many people in general set those goals and intentions and then within a short amount of time drops off? Yeah. So a recent poll, this is in 2013, the University of Scranton did some research about the percentage of people who actually make New Year's resolutions. And that's about 45% of the population. So basically half of the population is making New Year's resolutions. And I almost want to do a drum roll right here. Only, yes, only about 8% of people actually keep their New Year's resolution. Wow. So 45% make the resolution, only 8% are actually successful in achieving it. There was also another interesting statistic about that. Of the 45%, 24% of those people have made resolutions over multiple years and have failed. So can you imagine you keep making these same resolutions, you keep not achieving success on the resolution, and then this rolls into the year after year after year. So the motivation is that you're not achieving success on the resolution. And then this rolls into the year after year after year. So the motivation is that you're not achieving success on the resolution. And then this rolls into the year after year after year. So the motivation is that you're not achieving to actually achieve the goal is not even there. Well, and then the self-fulfilled prophecy also, especially if it's the same goal, like weight loss. And you have the list of the top five ones. And I know that you said that weight loss was one of the top ones. Of course, because it's after the holidays. Oh, yeah. Most people overeat between Halloween to New Year's Eve. I mean, it just... Just pure eating. Exactly. Yep. Weight loss is the number one New Year's resolution. That's the New Year's resolution that people make, followed by getting organized. So if you think about that one, this is also on the heels of all of these chaotic moments. Thanksgiving, you're running around, you're trying to find turkeys, and then you're transitioning, decorating trees, you're inviting your family in your space and all of these very chaotic things. So getting organized, people want to refocus and get their hearts and minds ready for the New Year. So that's the second one. Saving money. And spending less money is the third top New Year's resolution. Again, it makes sense. Now that you've spent four paychecks ahead after Christmas, now you want to actually focus on saving money for your family. Then that's followed by enjoying life to the fullest, which is... What does that mean? You know, that's so lofty, but that's the fourth New Year's resolution, followed by staying fit and being healthy. And that includes eating and nutrition as well. So yeah, those are the top five. So especially with overeating, you figure it's a stressful time of the year. Most people get caught up within that energy. They're doing nervous eating. It's just, and they're not even consciously thinking about... They're probably eating to avoid conversations. Or it's just, it's there. Yes. You know, especially the sugar laden foods. Oh yeah. That, you know, and they make them look so pretty. Oh, it's like, oh, come on. I remember growing up over the years and traveling to multiple homes on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Well, of course, at every single house, you've got to finish the plate. So before the day's over, you know, you might've eaten, you know, four or five full plates of food and dessert at each one. So yeah. Yeah. Clean plate award with it. Just a few more pounds after. Exactly. Yep. So how many of those, goals are, you know, they're long standing? Yeah. Most of these. So what's interesting is people will set these new year's resolutions and sometime between the middle of January and the beginning of February, folks have already dropped off on the resolution. Because again, they've gotten caught up in this wave at the end of the previous year and the excitement of the new year yet they, because they haven't spent the time. Yeah. They've been doing it for a long time, actually setting intentions around their goals. It's not sustainable. And so again, that leads to people feeling less motivated to actually do the thing that they really want to do for their lives. Yeah. Yeah. And then it gets back into that cycle of, oh, I'm a failure. I can't stick to this one goal that I've set for myself. So it, you know, it's, it takes part of your self-esteem and it eats away at it. Again, in starting off, Yeah. the year like that. Exactly. It's like we're only two to three weeks into the new year and you already feel like you can't be successful. That has the potential to kind of flow into other areas of your life that you may or may not have set a resolution in, but it definitely does not set the foundation for success throughout the year. You're absolutely right. I know. And, and that's difficult to kind of get a person out of that, that mentality. Yep. You can actually get back on. So what if you didn't stick to it? Mm-hmm. You know, buy the book or you, you know, made a little slip up and you had a cookie or a piece of cake or whatever, you know, and instead of getting back on and go, okay, well, you know, I didn't quite get my goal a hundred percent today, but I got it like at about 80%. Mm-hmm. I did most of it. So instead of building on that. It is. And if you think about this, we spend 300, 365 days building up for one moment, which is that ball dropping at midnight on New Year's Eve. And then we enter into the first day of the next year. And there's so much kind of upheld that one day we've idealized the day so much that after you fail the first couple of days, you think my whole year is ruined, right? Instead of looking at those resolutions as moment by moment experiences and be, and realizing that you can actually, begin again every single day. Every single day can be a day for a resolution to be established and made. So. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Why, why just, you know, stop? Yeah. But it's because of the buildup. It is because. It's because the buildup. Yeah. Oh yeah. And then, you know, we're going to talk about some of the ways that we can actually stay on board, be okay with the process. Mm-hmm. and not be self-deprecating. Yeah, I think a huge part of New Year's resolutions is going into them, kind of what you were saying with this mindset that if you don't achieve whatever that minor goal that you set for yourself is or major goal, that that's okay. And really practice self-forgiveness because we all get off track, whether it's eating more healthily or exercising or whatever the resolution is, we've got to really focus on forgiving ourselves and then picking ourselves up again and starting over again. And that's okay. And incorporating small rewards. Absolutely. On the way. Yes. And now to say, hey, good job. You stuck with that. You resisted that bagel today. You resisted that scone, whatever it is that is really problematic that you look at it and just, you almost personify, you know, things that you're trying to stay away from. Yeah, you're so right. I mean, I think that if we start to look at New Year's resolutions as a journey and not like this isolated point in time, then it can really change the way that we think about resolving whatever thing that we want to tackle. So a resolution is not a one-time event. And if we think about the 365 days of the year as opportunities for us to be able to do that, we're not going to be able to do that. We're not going to be able to do that. We're not going to be able to do that. If we have the opportunity to reset, then we're running a marathon, not a sprint. And we're also realizing that we can go and, you know, get some water, you know, refresh, sit down if we need to, sag in. And sometimes I think in biking races, they call it sagging in. So you can sag in, start over when you get refreshed and that's okay. And you're still making progress towards the end goal. Right. Yeah. And that's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. Exactly. Small step. Small steps towards betterment. Absolutely. Yeah. Yep. That's how we live our best lives is moment by moment, not in this one culminating mountaintop, idyllic perspective. It's moment by moment. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I think sometimes our thinking is so skewed by advertising. I mean, our subconscious just takes that on and shows only the best shots of somebody. It's like, it doesn't show, the person going through the baby steps to get there. What did it take to get there? And I know. And what immediately came to my mind just now were these before and after photos. And so you'll see the person, I'll use the weight loss example, the person who is obese in one picture. And then the other one, they're wearing a size two bikini and they're enjoying this beautiful experience in Waikiki. And you're right. It's kind of, we're so focused on the extremes that it tricks our mind into thinking, that it's not a journey, that it literally is a one linear path to get there. And that's just not true. I'm sure for the person who's experienced weight loss or anything else, there've been a lot of ups and downs, yet they've still trended towards the goal, which is where we wanna go. Exactly. Yeah. I could give so many examples. I think about my finances. Oh my gosh. Talk about a trend line that has not been A to B. Literally one moment I'm thinking I have the budget down. I'm gonna, organize all these different categories for my finances. The next moment I'm at Starbucks, binge drinking lattes for months on end and look up and realize, oh, I've spent hundreds of dollars on a drink that I can make at home. And then I reset and do it all over again. So yeah, it's about the trend. Exactly. And the ways we trick ourselves. Oh yes. It's so true. Oh yeah, my finances too. I was in a car accident. I was in a car accident a month ago and the front of my car was totaled and I was just like, oh, okay, now I'm gonna have a car payment and blah, blah, blah. And I thought, oh no, here we go again. Cause the last time I did that, my finances weren't so great. And the percentage rate was just out of the roof. And then I got my scores back. I'm going, wow, are you kidding? I guess I did a repair and it's like 0% APR. I'm going, yeah. Wow. Good for you. Yeah. Happy new year. All right. Nice surprise. That is. But it was, as you said, it's a lot of hard work. And well, and sometimes not so hard work. It was just, you know, just being aware of the steps and going, okay, I need to pay this off now. And I can wait a little bit on this and, you know, just kind of keeping it under wraps. Which I think, yeah, I think another point related to that is we live in a society where everything is instant. So whatever our new year's resolution is, we don't really want to go through that process. We want it to be a linear thing that we can just do whatever the, you know, the event is and have success. And that's just not the way that it is. So I think part of it, when we think about resolutions is kind of dialing ourselves back a little bit, almost, or even at the end of the prior year and saying, okay, or even at the end of the prior year and saying, okay, or even at the end of the prior year and saying, okay, what do I need to do in terms of getting my mindset in order to actually achieve this particular goal? And that may mean coming to a reconciliation in yourself and saying, you know what? This is going to be a long-term process. It's not going to be step one, two, three, and then there's the goal. It may be step one, step six, negative five, three, and so on to get there so that we can be at least in a better position to be successful. Yeah. Yeah. So let me return. Let's talk about some of the tips for goal setting, for keeping yourself on the path and make yourself feel good while you're doing this, you know, even during the slip ups. Okay. Sounds good. I'll do that. Awesome. The Chicago School of Professional Psychology offers numerous psychology, behavioral, and health-related science graduate degrees at three campuses, Los Angeles, California, including branches in Westwood and Irvine, Chicago, Illinois, and Washington, DC, and online. The Chicago School prepares students to meet the ever-changing mental health needs of society through classroom experience and real-world training. The Chicago School Counseling Centers in Irvine and Westwood provide caring, confidential, and affordable psychological services to individuals and their families. For more information, visit thechicagoschool.edu. And thank you to the Chicago School of Professional Psychology for sponsoring Psych One-on-One in 2016 and three years previous also. So it's been going strong. Thank you. So we are talking about setting New Year's resolutions, keeping them alive, and what it takes to keep yourself on track. And, you know, feel good about yourself while you're doing this journey, because it is a journey of change. Most people have a difficult time of changing. You know, people just want to keep, you know, doing their old habits because it's well known to them. They know what to expect, even if it's negative consequences. What are the barriers that prevent people from maintaining their resolutions? I think one of the major barriers is that folks are not spending enough time really evaluating where the resolution lies. So I'll give the example of weight loss. So I have a goal of losing 50 pounds, okay? So I want to lose the weight. The thing that makes the most sense is to call, you know, 24 Hour Fitness, LA Fitness, whatever the gym, whatever the gym is, and get that membership. And so back to our definition of resolution, it's finding a solution to an identified problem. So in our minds, we're thinking, the gym is the solution to the problem, when really, I think one of the main barriers can be us not really wanting to evaluate what it is that's happening inside of us. It's easier to reach for an external solution and get the gym, or buy the self-help book, or get the cookbook to eat better, instead of asking the question, what is it about the way I am viewing myself? What is it about my mindset that might need to shift a little bit before I actually do this external thing? So I think that is a huge barrier that prevents people from being successful. Well, in my case, because I have gained some weight over this past year, because I've been doing a lot more therapy work, I've been doing much more sitting and being inactive, and that's not my natural tendency. I've been pretty active, not really athletic, but at least active, walking and going to the gym, doing yoga, things like that, but just moving. I had to sit there and go through the process of what has gone into all this weight gain, because I've moved. I've never gained this much weight in one year, unless I was pregnant, and I know that's not the fact. Factory's closed. So I went to the doctor, got that checked out. I thought, well, maybe it's my thyroid, wasn't my thyroid. So I'm going, okay. The inactivity was a big factor in it. I was doing stress eating, because we have catered food for lunch where I'm working, and it's really good food. And sometimes I was going back for seconds, and I was doing work, and it was mindless eating. Yes. You know, and kind of almost comfort food. It's like, okay, I'm taking on a lot of stress on my clients here, which I knew logically I should not be doing, but it was happening because it's, yeah. Yeah. This is a perfect example of dialing the veil back a little bit and looking at what may be going on. So as you did... And as you did this in your own journey, you came to the discovery that it was about stress eating. That alone is huge, because then as you sit down and eat or approach the cafeteria or the lounge area, you can stop and have that moment of reflection, that chance to be mindful, and that gives you a space to make a different choice. So let's say that you hadn't done that, and you just decided to get the gym membership. Without the awareness about the stress eating, you may have had some success. You might have lost some weight and so forth. However, getting to the root of the eating is really where it's at, and that's internal. That has nothing to do with the gym. Nothing at all. Same thing with our finances. So, you know, in a bit of self-disclosure, I, for a long time, long, I won't say my age, but for quite some time in my adult life, really wanted to have a better financial scenario, but I really didn't, I wanted to achieve it passively. And it took me actually going back and figuring out what is my relationship with money, which sounds probably insane to some people, but how do I view money? Is this literally a tool? Is this something I resent? And I ended up doing this entire battery through the help of some good financial gurus in the field. And once I unlocked that, I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. It was like, oh, this is why I'm not taking the time to think about this because my view of money is X, Y, and Z. And so again, taking that time to find out what your mindset is, is so important because I know that if I had set up a budget, it would have failed. Even if I would have written it down on paper, which is the external solution, but without reevaluating my mindset about money and my relationship with it, I would have fallen back into the same behaviors. And I did year after year after year. And I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm guilty of that one too. And that's such an easy pitfall to slide into and stay. I mean, my mindset for a long time was like, well, I'm out on my own and I'm not going to make it. And I'm only going to get up to this point financially. I mean, even when I was working two jobs and I was making decent money between the two jobs, it was always like, you know, there's never going to be enough, but there's, you know, and it's an, an odd relationship too, because it's like this, this lack yet I'm not a materialistic person. So there's this dichotomy going on of, well, how much do I, how much do I need to survive? What do I, what do I want to accomplish with my finances? Where do I, where do I want to go? And I tell you, once I took a trip three years ago to England as a first time as overseas and something I had always wanted to do since I was a kid, I was like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I was a teenager because I was actually going to be a flight attendant when I was, yeah, I, but the, the airlines deregulated and that, you know, I just got chaotic. So I, you know, that didn't happen. That was okay. But I always had that passion to travel. Once I finally did it, that really started changing the way that I looked at so many things because I had attained a major goal. It was like, good, I've got this now. What do I want to, what do I want to accomplish? Yeah. What, what else? What, what do I want to put on my bucket list? Yeah. And it's long-term goals. And it's kind of like, well, if I don't get this right away, I'm okay with it because it, this wasn't good timing. Like this, this past year, I wanted to go overseas. I had a couple of chances to go. Didn't happen because I was too busy working, didn't have the finances and I was going, okay, I'm disappointed, but I need to drop this instead of feeling sorry for myself. And I was like, well, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to because I'm going, this is a first world problem. You know, get real. Yeah. Hashtag first world. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And it's almost like, just, just let it go. This isn't the right time for this. And there will be a right time though. Well, your comment reminded me of another barrier, which is figuring out, especially with the finances, whose goal is it? Like you said that you wanted to travel. So why, why do I have this financial goal? Why do I have a weight loss goal? Is it, is that really my goal? And I think part of the issue with new year's resolutions is that I talked about the top five, the majority of, well, 45% of the population are making these resolutions. And I think part of it is again, getting caught up in the hype of this has to be the resolution. And we've got to stop and ask ourselves, why is that my resolution? What is my goal for wanting to save more money? That's not a bad goal in and of itself, but what is my, what is this going? For me as an individual, not because it's a lofty, great sounding goal. How is this really going to change my life? Yeah. Yeah. Is this for security purposes? Is this for my family? Yes. Is this for travel? Is this for image? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's like, what do I want to accomplish with this? Yes. What is the end result of this? What, what does that look like? And it's so important for people to be thinking about what their end goal is, so that when they get there, they can celebrate. We can probably talk about so many people who have these goals and when they, they, it's a never ending goal, which is another reason that resolutions roll over into the next year and the next and the next, because the person has not sat down and actually ironed out what's the end goal. So we're just kind of rolling over into the new year without really celebrating. Oh, I actually met that goal 10 years ago or whatever the case may be. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Or looking back and celebrating what you have accomplished already during the year. Yeah. That is so important to, to look at that and go, yes. Yes. I did, I did that great. You know, just make a realistic assessment of where have you been over the past 365 days? Such a huge point, because I think, again, we're always focused towards what is this resolution of a problem? Yet we spend less time really reflecting on, uh, what we have resolved, the goals that we have achieved. And that's so important. Doing that, um, just simple self-reflection is going to help motivate you to know, you know, I did this whole list of things. Of course I can have the motivation to do the next, but we, again, the way our society is kind of set up, we're framing this as you're always looking ahead. You're always setting yourself towards this next problem, um, this next mountain that you need to conquer. And we don't have time to look back. Don't look in the rear view mirror. And of course we don't want to, we don't want to, we don't want to, we don't want to look back. Um, Um, live in the past for the sake of, you know, getting into a self-deprecating mode. But we do want to look in the past and celebrate our successes because that's going to be the fuel that we need to drive us into the next thing that we want to accomplish. Right. That's going to be the base that we can jump off of for the next phase. Exactly. Yeah. It's a beautiful process. And I don't think a lot of people focus in on that enough. I've asked that of a few of my friends, you know, what, you know, tell me what has been the best thing about 2015 for you? And there's crickets. Crickets. Yeah. And they're just like, hmm, let me think about that. Or some people, you know, that just have this joy of life that can just, bam, this is what I've done. This is, you know. Yeah, I think that daily, I read an article the other day and it was talking about, this is kind of connected to gratitude. So setting the intention for the year, not on, you can still have your resolution and long-term goal, but setting aside time daily to literally just, it was crafted like a little jar. You throw in a little note and say, hey, this is something I did today that was moving in the right direction. And it doesn't have to be anything big. Like I went to bed at 10 o'clock. I actually slept eight hours, whatever it is. And so we're collecting all of these minor successes so that at the end of the year, we have something to say, to celebrate all the things that we've actually done to live a fulfilling and a joy-filled life. And that's what it's really all about. Not the long-term goals and misery on the 364 days in between. Exactly, or just feeling that emptiness and how am I gonna fill this up instead of just celebrating the small steps forward. Absolutely, yep. Yeah, so I think to your original question about what are some things that we can do to actually kind of set resolutions and be successful? I think one of the first things we've gotta do is to set our intentions. So back to my finance example, I really thought if I wrote down all my finances, and filled in the budget spreadsheet that I downloaded off of some site or bought the book, that my finances were gonna magically change. All right, look at that, exactly. Ooh, look, it's so good. I've got a number here. Yeah, it's in the book. I know how much I make per month. I know how much I'm supposed to spend on that. And I noticed that there was no action. And so I think one of the main things to get ahead of yourself is to set your goals. that I've done. And I think that's one of the main things that I've done. And I think that's one of the main things that I've done. that I've done. And I think that's one of the main things that I've done. And I think that's one of the main things that I've done. that I've done. And I think that's one of the main things that I've done. And to actually achieve a resolution is to be intentional. So intentionality is everything. And again, this can be very small things, but setting out every single day to do something towards pursuit of your goal, whatever that may be. Or just feeling good about yourself at the end of the day before you go to bed so you can have a better sleep. Exactly, yeah. I didn't cross off whatever, but I made it through the day. I love myself. I'm embracing where I am at this point and celebrating that. And then you go to the next day. So being intentional about that. I think, so being intentional about celebrations too is huge. So not just the goal, but intentionality regarding what is working well in your life. Because again, that's the fuel that we need to actually drive our success. Yeah. So just breaking it down into small baby steps, basically. Correct? Absolutely. Yeah. We say, well, I want to lose a hundred pounds. Okay, great. That's your new year's resolution. That's not going to happen. Well, there are many surgical options that it maybe could happen in a couple of weeks, but what is a realistic goal? So I think we should probably spend time talking about reality for a moment. Boy, that would be an endless conversation. Where would we start? Yeah, we've got to really think about what is realistic and a small attainable chunk, right? So anything that we've accomplished in life, if we think about this as a journey, didn't happen overnight. Our successes didn't happen overnight. And in a lot of cases, our failures didn't happen overnight. So we've got to think about how we can really break our goals into small, realistic, attainable chunks and then bite them off. One by one, chew on it, let it marinate, celebrate that, and then go on to the next chunk. Swallow it and go on. It's like I'm getting hungry. I'm thinking of steak. Yeah, I'm like all this food talk, my stomach's growling thinking about these chunks. I know, exactly. That's funny. But it is. It's just getting comfortable with the process. Now, I work with some clients that for some reason, they refuse to write things down. I don't know if they carry it around in their head, hopefully, but I'm thinking, okay, there are people there, especially if you use the word homework. A lot of people- Oh, that's a turn off. Oh, that's a, oh, especially if they had problems in school that you just, you know, it's always the power of words. Yes. How can you engage in setting those intentions if you don't like to write things down? Yeah, the good thing is, it's, you know, 2016 now, and there are some fabulous apps on our phones that don't require paper and pencil. There are some apps that we can actually just literally record. So you can record your voice in, and it actually writes it out or prints it out for you on the screen, and there you have it. The nice thing about setting intentions and writing it down if you like that or recording it in some fashion is that not only is it gonna help us go forward, but as you mentioned before, it gives us an opportunity to reflect on what we have done, especially on those days where we're feeling, you know, unmotivated, defeated perhaps, because we're not getting to the place that we want to as rapidly. It's important to have things written down so that we can reflect and realize how far we've come. Yeah, and I think it's also empowering to have it recorded because then we can listen back to ourselves saying, okay, this is what, you know, I would like for myself today. Listening back and just even listening to the tone that you recorded it in. Yeah. Does it sound like it's, you can do this? Like there's that strong part inside of you that's going, yes, you can do this. You need a cheerleader coming through. Or does it sound like it's, oh, well, you know, why don't you get this done? And, you know, kind of sad and almost withdrawn. And I don't think I can really do this. I mean, just listening to that. Right after you record that, what kind of tone are you setting into place with your intention setting? Well, and I think kind of related to that is to find someone who you trust, who can almost serve in some ways like an accountability person. So if you don't want to listen to your voice, which I know I don't, I think, you know, I think I sound so weird on audio recording. But if you can talk to someone and say, hey, this is the goal that I have for myself and let the other person know, they might be able to check in with you. And you can tell them how frequently, is that daily? Is that weekly? Is that monthly? As a point to really discuss, where am I? Where am I going? What can I celebrate? And then you have someone to celebrate right along with you. And maybe point some things out that you may not have seen along your journey. This far. Yeah, it can be really beautiful thing. Oh, yeah, that's great. I mean, hopefully a good friend and you don't have to hire like a life coach. Right. Sit there and go rah, rah, rah, $90 an hour. Exactly. Speaking of saving money. Yeah. So we're going to get some cost effective ways to get an accountability person. But yeah, so weight loss, you find, you know, a close friend, perhaps someone who's also wanting to achieve that same resolution. Someone who's equally motivated to kind of spur you on. Along that vein. And it's great. I mean, when we look at our own situation, sometimes it's hard for us to see that we've actually made progress. But when other people are peering into our beautiful lives, they can say, hey, I actually had this happen. So my brother came to visit for Christmas. And, you know, I've been working on just getting all my finances in order and doing a better job with budgeting. And he made a comment, I think on the second day that he was here, he said, gosh, I realized that you're actually writing down what you're spending, which I had never done. Like that just, again, I was the passive, you know, financial person. So I just wanted the finances to change without me doing anything. And just him saying that made me feel really good about my progress. Even though it was something really minor over, I think we were actually at Starbucks and I'd gotten a latte. And he commented that I wrote it down. And I thought, oh my gosh, this is progress. I've never done that. And it made me feel good so that the next opportunity came up. I was even that much more motivated to do it again. So yeah, that accountability person. Yeah. And it's just getting into that mode of I'm gonna keep closer tabs on my own behavior as to whether I'm moving towards this goal, being neutral or sliding back. You know, I mean, it's just, and just, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Like I said, just being okay with it. The awareness factor is a huge start because we get into so many behaviors so habitually. And, you know, it's just, we don't even think twice about it until somebody may point it out like, I don't think you realize that you're doing A, B, and C. And you're like, oh, I guess maybe I should make some changes on this because, you know, I'm not, I'm kind of checking out for myself. I'm more, I'm more, I'm more, I'm more focused on the outside world and doing and doing and doing. Like where, I mean, that's, that can be an addiction on its own. It can. Yeah. It can. Yeah, I think when we, when we think about how we're gonna track our behaviors towards our goal, I think a lot of people are nervous when they hear accountability partner because that requires a certain level of vulnerability and exposure, which we're not necessarily comfortable with. You know, it's hard for us to wrestle within ourselves when we become aware of something that we don't like or something that we're not fond of. So I think it's important to choose that person wisely if you're gonna do that. If not, make a pact with yourself to be honest about your own self discoveries and what you plan to do with that, not to consecrate yourself, but as a self-forgiveness moment. And then how can I then spur on towards the next goal, towards my resolution? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it's just breaking it down, being patient with the process. Yep. It doesn't always happen in a timely manner. I know. That's life. I know. Let me go back and read these. Weight loss, getting organized, saving money, enjoying life and staying fit. These are all lifelong journeys. Right. That's not gonna happen in a year. That's not gonna happen in two years. That's a lifelong journey for every single one of them. And it's maintenance in a lot of cases. Absolutely. Yes. It's getting on that right path where it's like, okay, this is going to work for me. Mm-hmm. You know, I have to find my own method of doing this. Mm-hmm. It may have worked for my brother or sister or may not have. Right. And I can't sit there because there's, I think a lot of times too, people are hesitant to do this because people are going, oh, you should do this and you should do that. They start giving out advice and then people start, you know, feeling stressed out and buckled down by, I should do this and I'm not doing this right. And, you know, again. Well, so back to the advertising. I mean, I think that we, our society takes a very cookie cutter approach to resolutions. It's, you need to lose a hundred pounds. You need to lose 400 pounds. You need to lose 20 pounds. Okay. It's the 2999 gym membership and it's the five personal training sessions. Okay. You need to eat healthily. Here are the five recipes that are going to work for every single person. And it's very cookie cutter. And so again, we're setting people up for failure because especially if that doesn't work for them, like let's say they make all the recipes and do that. And then they're feeling like, what's the point? So I think part of it is being honest with yourself that you are a uniquely designed individual. And so while you might be able to pull from many different things, you've got to spend that time with self-reflection. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Because it lets you know what works for you and what doesn't work for you. And that's perfectly okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And being okay with yourself, at least just okay. Yes. If not, you know, oh, I should be feeling ecstatic. Mm-hmm. Just not fueling that, you know, all of those emotions that are going to pull the rug out from under you. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh. This brings up such an awesome point about the emotions that we attach to the goal. So I think one of the things that can be a potential barrier is that people are thinking, once I lose the weight, I'm going to feel whatever. Mm-hmm. Or once I, you know, find the date or get married, then I'm going to feel X, Y, and Z. And that can be a problem because we're assigning an emotion to something that's not there. And that may not be the case. Gosh, you might get married and it sucks. And your emotions are not great. Or you might lose the weight, but because you haven't focused on the mindset, you still feel like the overweight person inside. So again, back to this internal resolution, not an external quick fix. Right. And then sometimes I think too, is just setting the expectations too high. Yes. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Our, back to our society again, I don't want to blame society wholly, but I do think that's an important contributor. I think that it doesn't sound as glamorous to say, my new year's resolution is to write my finances down. What sounds glamorous is my new year's resolution is to save $10,000 this year. Now the reality is you've got to start probably with writing things down to get to that goal of actually saving that much money. But we've got to really scale back our own expectations and say, whatever it is, not even quantifying it as a high level expectation or low, it's my individual expectation. And that's my resolution. And it's amazing in and of itself. So, and not focus on what society is saying, which that it needs to be. So basically we recommend don't look at advertising anymore. Turn your TVs off. Yes. Turn your TVs off, shut down your internet. Cell phones will no longer be in use. That's right. Once you see beautiful people say, I lost 500 pounds and they, they're, they're, they're skeleton size. Don't believe them. Yes. Embrace. I have, I love this phrase. It's one that a friend of mine shared. And it's to embrace how beautifully complex you are as an individual. And once you can do that, then I think it helps position us much better to resolve whatever our thing is, because we're not doing the social comparison anymore. We're saying, this is, this is my goal for me. As a uniquely, complexly, beautiful person. I love that. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. We're going to just let that one sit for a moment. We will be back after break. Thanks. Are you searching for answers and insight to life issues? Is the behavior of family or friends questionable or concerning? Find tips and possible solutions from the convenience of your own PC, cell phone, or tablet at therapycable.com. Therapy Cable has the most comprehensive library of contemporary therapy videos, and you can find videos online. Help may be as easy as a few clicks away. Therapy Cable offers comprehensive therapy videos ranging from addiction to self-care, and contact information for qualified providers. Find the answers to your life challenges at therapycable.com. 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