Episode

Manhattan, man! You are listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening... We're still smoking over... You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. We're listening to Skid Row Studios. I'm not doing it with you. Please do it with me. Fuck that. Can you please have sex with me? At Skid Row Studios. You are listening to Grand Theft. Audio Radio with Jake Belcher and Brant Thoman. Yeah, this is fun. We're just smoking. We're drinking beers. We'll talk about the royal wedding. Oh, yeah, the royal wedding. I even think that Howard Stern. I have no idea what's going on there. Good morning, everyone. This is Jake Belcher. And I'm Brant Thoman. And I don't know if you listen to Howard Stern. You listen to Howard Stern? It keeps saying that over and over again. I don't know if you listen to Howard Stern. I listen to him. He'll come again, I'm sure. Okay. I heard his stuff on YouTube. Yeah, you can. Well. This is very odd. Not good. Hey, look. Let's be glad we don't have Doris Roberts in here right now. Or David Kekner like we do tomorrow. And we're sitting here looking like buttholes, right? I don't think it's exactly our fault. We walked into this going on. Yeah, it seems like things are a little bit off and wrong. Somebody called 800-893-9562. Why does he keep cutting out is what's strange. Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm going to try to repeat whatever they say next. Well, we don't know what they're... Come on. Is it finally stopped? Maybe. Maybe. Can we actually start our show now? Sure. Let's fucking... Let's restart it. I think it's... Let's hit the reset button. You are listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You are listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to... Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to... We're listening to Skid Row Studios. I'm not doing it with... Please do it with me. Fuck that. Can you please have sex with me? At Skid Row Studios? At Skid Row Studios. Maybe. Okay. You are listening to Grand Theft Audio Radio with Jake Belcher and Grant Thoman. The Keys of Internet Radio. You are right on time for another Grand Theft Audio Radio, even though we may be 2 minutes and 27 seconds late. This is Jake Belcher. And I'm Grant Thoman, and we're broadcasting live from Skid Row Studios.com in the heart of downtown Los Angeles. It smelled more like the spleen out there this morning. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I kind of like the Mondays because that's when the water hoses come out and they spray down like the weekends. Bum. Bum droppings. Dude, who knows what happens here after dark? Yeah. It could just be a giant stink orgy of bums. Yeah. Like Mondays and Tuesdays, it doesn't smell so bad. Wednesdays, Thursdays, you start to get some stank. Right. That's sticking around. And now that we're getting into the warmer time of the year, where I think it's supposed to be like 97 today or something. Awesome. So it's just going to get worse and worse and stinkier and stinkier. Indeed. Awful. Totally not looking forward to that. Actually, I already hate that it's getting so warm. Yeah. I know. It does not work for me. You can only take solace in the fact that the ladies' clothing becomes that much more attractive. You're absolutely right. Enjoyable. That I can dig all effing day. There's no doubt. So today is the last day of May. The last day. So I guess we're down to our last holidays for the month. Right. Which is good. Kind of take a look at this list. Looking forward to a new one tomorrow. There are a couple of them today. I'm not even sure what to make of them. What would you think? What you think upon Grows Day is? Wait, wait, wait. It's what you think? What you think upon Grows Day. I'm really quite baffled by that statement. I would imagine that whatever I don't know what I think about. I don't know. Just baffled by that one. That's just a play on words. Yeah. Is that even a sentence? It's an Eastern maxim. And it sums up the basic like fundamental of all of the laws of the mind. It means like whatever you allow to occupy your mind, you magnify in your life. Okay. Is this a national recognized day or is this an international thing or it's just a day that someone has claimed? This is a internationally recognized day. Okay. So it's international. Okay. So it may have nothing to do with America at all. No. Yeah. So that one can suck it. Yes. Even this one can suck it. Like I have no chance of this. This is world no tobacco day. It means world suck my dick day. I've already had my cigarette for the morning. So I guess that one's out the door for me today too. Yeah. That is not going to happen. But I'll tell you which one I will be celebrating. Today is a special day between a man. And a woman. And a man. And his animals. It is hug your cat day. Oh, you're so lucky. I already hugged my kitty this morning. I know you did. Hey, man. There's nothing that like balances your day off when you wake up and you're like, ah, fuck, dude, we got a show this morning. I don't even want to wake up. Like I just want to stay in bed and relax. And instead, I take that step out of the bed and I grab my kitty and I, mmm, I love you, gorilla. If you're listening, gorilla. I love you. I love you so very much. Except for when you get your hair all over me. Like I do have some cat hair on my shirt right now. That's what you get for hugging her so hard. Yeah. She wants to leave a little something behind for you to remember her by. But I love the gorilla. I know that you do. She's my little Tweety Pie. Mm-hmm. Wow. Hey. You don't even talk like that to your wife when I'm around, but you'll talk about your cat like it's a little baby. Well, my kitty is. Little baby. My kitty is worth talking about like that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Let's not get crazy here. Like I am totally in love with my wife, but I like my gorilla just a tiny, tiny, tiny. Bit more. Ooh. No, that's not true. Bit less. Yeah. Bit less. Let's go with that. As usual, we'd like to preview what is tomorrow. Yes. So you can get yourself ready. Hooray, June 1st. There are some good ones out there. Tomorrow is National Donut Day. That is. that's awesome. Yeah. I mean, that I'm totally into. I will be buying a donut at the 7-Eleven to celebrate. They have that one that looks like it's Homer's donut? Yeah. I saw that. I have never tried it. This may be the time that I step forward. The pink with the colored sprinkles on top? Yeah. I always look at that. They call it, they called it their spring donut is what it was labeled as. But I know that I think it was originally when they were doing a Simpsons promotion, it was Homer's, you know, donut from the... Maybe they mean Springfield donut. Maybe. I thought that's the direction you're going to go there. Tomorrow also, if something goes wrong while you're eating that donut, it's also Heimlich Maneuver Day. So try to jam in as many as you can and then y'all let's have a break. See if anybody comes up and gives you the Heimlich. To go along with Donut Day, it's also Milk Day tomorrow. Sweet. That's a great combination. Indeed. Oh man, how about a little bit of National Go Barefoot Day? I'll do that in studio all day long, but I will not walk the streets of Los Angeles with bare feet. Maybe I'll wear some sandals tomorrow so I can kick them off and stretch them out in front of David Koechner. That would be weird. Koechner comes in and we're just... We're both here, feet up, shoes off. Oh yeah, you got to show it off. I mean, you can't just leave them down on the ground. And when he asked what's up with the bare feet, it's National Barefoot Day. Also, leave the office early day, stand for Children's Day, say something, nice day, positive power of humor day. Leave work early day. Yeah. You think your employers really want you to celebrate that one? No. They are not down for that. But if it's a day, I mean, you kind of got to do what it says, right? It's nationally recognized. That's right, man. Tell me I gots to do it. So those are the things you can do to plan ahead for tomorrow so that you are not left behind in another holiday celebration. Donuts and milk. Leave your shoes off. Leave your shoes off. Say something nice. And then leave work early. And I guess it's also stand for children day. Well, at some point while you're barefoot, you can stand up for children. Kid's got enough advocates as it is. I'm just, I'm not into that. No, that kid does what I say he does. I don't stand up for him. I hear that. Okay. So we got a couple of news items here. Number one, Michelle Bachman became the first woman this week to win a Republican delegate since 1948. Awesome. Dude, that's crazy. I mean, that is a long time ago. It's at 65 years? In that range. Damn. Yeah, 64, I think. But the first in that long, I mean, that's pretty impressive that she was able to do that. I mean, she's not going to win. Well, no. And she got it because of Texas's delegate system in which you're going to win. You receive delegates based off of the votes you get. Even if you only got less than 1% of the vote, there was still, there's so many delegates that you have to be given an appropriate amount. So less than 1% of the delegates, she got one delegate. So good for her. The last woman to win, the last woman to win one was a senator from Maine named Margaret Chase Smith. So that's the last one to do it. Republicans really don't want to go after that woman vote, it seems. Haven't wanted to for quite some time. Kind of seems like they think they got it on lockdown already. So like, why even bother? Yeah, we are seeing more and more women running for major office and almost getting the nomination like in 2008 with Hillary Clinton on the Democratic side. Interesting. Well, good for her. Good for the Republicans to... Good for that crazy bitch because she is crazy. Indeed. She doesn't seem like she's got any normalcy going on inside of her. She seems like she's a nutbag. For sure. Oh, indeed. In other presidential news, the Romney birth certificate. This is a pretty interesting one to me. Absolutely. It has... They've released a copy of his birth certificate and shows that he was born here in the United States in Detroit back in 1947, I believe it was. We share a birthday. I didn't know that. March 12th. Hey, there you go. Romney's my birthday brother. Hey, Clinton's mine. Wow. All right. Yeah. So, but what I'm going to do is what I found interesting about this is that he... So, he's obviously a citizen. He has the right by the Constitution to run for office. His grandfather, I believe it was, was... No, excuse me. His father at one point ran as a Republican nominee against Nixon. But he was born out of the country. He was born in... I forget what they say. Mexico? Yeah, he was... That's right. He was born in Mexico. But he was born in Mexico. But he was born in Mexico. But he was born in Mexico. But he was born in Mexico. But he was born in Mexico. But he was born in Mexico. He immigrated to America and his son was born here in the United States. But both of his parents... His grandparents were both American citizens. And even though he was born in Mexico, the Library of Congress weighed in on this back in 1968 when he was running against Reagan. I mean, excuse me, against Nixon. That a person... That it says a naturally born... You have to be born here in America is what the Constitution says. Let me get the exact quote. I'm sorry, because I... Because this whole thing is going on because everyone is freaking out about Obama's birth certificate and Donald Trump who doesn't know how to comb his hair or wipe his ass. I mean, he just keeps stirring it up and being dumber and dumber. It turns out this exact same type of thing happened to Romney's father. Exactly. In 1967, a year before the presidential primary, there were newspapers that were bringing up questions as whether George Romney, his father, was qualified because he wasn't born in the United States. The next month, a lengthy... Excuse me, here it is. Darn it, I just lost it. Crap, I am really screwing this up today. I'm sorry about this. First of all, if anybody's learning anything from us, fuck them. We're just here to give some side information. Right. So relax, people. George Romney himself, when it was brought up, he himself said, I am a natural-born citizen. My parents were American citizens. I was a citizen at birth. At one point, the Congressional Research Service, which is an arm of the Library of Congress that is supposed to provide authoritative but impartial research for elected members, advised that its analyst agreed with George Romney according to a congressional source. In a paper, it said that Research Service declared that the practical legal meaning of natural-born citizen would most likely include not only anyone born on U.S. soil, but anyone born overseas of at least one parent who is a U.S. citizen. So the Library of Congress has told elected officials that even if you weren't born on American soil, but one or both of your parents are American citizens, you are a citizen as well. So what does that, to me, mean? The whole birther thing should be over. It sure should be. It should just be over so that we can actually get to real issues that matter. Why we're talking about this shit that really doesn't matter at all when we can be talking about job creation and health care and immigration and gay rights and things that actually have some substantive substantive substantive I'm fucking up and I'm not even trying to read it. Substantative like issues to America. And you know what? It's really funny that Trump, who should be really the one talking about job creation and turning the economy around because he's a billionaire and he creates jobs. He's one of our job creators. He's one of that 1% that's supposed to, you know, help pull us out of the hole. He's too busy worrying about a goddamn birth certificate that doesn't matter because, his mom was born in Kansas. So Barack Obama is a citizen just by being birthed by her. Doesn't matter if his father was from Kenya, if he was born in Indonesia or born where, on the freaking moon for all I care. He's a citizen. Time to drop it. Yeah, let it go. I mean, it's done. Let's no longer listen to it anymore because it's just a way for a blowhard to keep getting his name out in the news. And he 100,000% does not deserve it. I mean, he's, Celebrity Apprentice ended two weeks ago and he hasn't been in the news so he had to do something. Yeah, that's right. Oh, my name hasn't been mentioned recently. My ratings sucked on my show this year so time to get out there and start talking shit again. Exactly. Because that's what I do. I talk shit all day long. Sorry. Okay, so an Illinois state lawmaker lost his temper yesterday in a pretty dramatic fashion when he screamed and started throwing papers in the direction of all of his colleagues on the floor. He really lost his shit to the point where he's tossing things in the, tossing his papers in the air and trying to punch them out of the sky. Throwing punches at it. It was pretty incredible, man. Now, this is, this is a, this is a state legislature, right? This isn't, this wasn't caught by C-SPAN because it was on the floor of Congress. Well, even though you would think that maybe like those lower courts like don't, or these lower houses, don't get shown on cable as much, we are lucky that he is from a state that records everything. Awesome. So we do actually have a video of this. Damn time. Come on. Let me get at the right spot. Damn bills. These damn bills that come out here all the damn time. Come out here to the last. I got to try to figure out how to vote for my people. How ashamed of, or you should be. You should be, ashamed of yourselves. Yeah. We give power to one person. Mike Bost. What? I don't. I love a good tantrum. Damn bills that come out here. This is a pretty damn bill that comes out here. That's what happens. Awesome. Yeah. He just tosses that big old bill in the air and just takes that big. These damn bills that come out here all the damn time. Come out here to the last. I got to try to figure out how to vote for my people. How ashamed of, or you should be. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Yeah. We give power to one person. Mike Bost. That's just awesome. That is spectacular. I mean, that is a meltdown in spectacular fashion. I mean, I love punching inanimate objects. That always does so much for the, for the problem. That just really shows that you got a real firm grasp of reality buddy. Nice. Like it really, oh, that punch to the, to the third page. It really crushed its soul. I mean, I don't even know what to think about that. It's like, I've had moments where I've had to think about this. I've been so pissed off at things that I've punched inanimate objects, but nothing good ever comes from it. Right. You break your hand, you break your stuff. I mean, it just, it never goes well. You know what I, the only thing I find really interesting is the way he says that, you know, these damn bills come out at the last second and then we're supposed to just vote on them. How am I supposed to vote for my damn people? Which, you know, you kind of think about it. That's kind of how the Obamacare got, made its way through. You weren't, you didn't get a chance to vote for him now. So. Hey, I'm not saying that he's wrong. I'm just saying that there's the right way of making a point and the wrong way of making a point. I thought this was the right way. I think you got everyone's attention. Then we'll have to agree to disagree because I just don't think that losing your shit like that in a professional setting, like, that is not the guy you're going to vote for again to represent you. Like, because. Wait a second. He showed passion on how he wants to be able to vote properly for his damn people. I think that's what's going to hurt him most. His damn people. But, I mean, if he was representing me, I'd be kind of like, hey man, I'm kind of proud of you for saying that, you know, these things are, it's so difficult for me to be able to vote properly for my, for my constituency that I got to get frustrated and I got to tell you people that this is ridiculous. So, I, I commend the man for it. I think it's ridiculous. Like, not a fan. You know what else is ridiculous? Mitt Romney has put out an iPhone app that he's been using for like, the iPhone app is designed to let people know like how they can donate money, how they can come out and see him on campaign stops, when they can see him in debates and, The Mitt app. Yeah. It is Mitt's Better Immersia. Immersia. Because, I love Immersia. Because when they did it, they spelt America wrong and they spelt it A-M-E-R-C-I-A instead of I-C-A. And, whoever is like leading this campaign, that person should be fired. I need to find out on my spell check if Immersia is actually a word. Because wouldn't that have had that little wiggle sign underneath it saying that you've misspelled this word possibly? You would figure it would. Yeah. So, I mean, how did you, did you not run the spell check before you got the app up and running? Apparently they did not. I did look up Immersia. It does not exist as a word. It is just a, a typical typo that gets past things all the time. But most of the time, that typo is not for somebody who is trying to run for president in the United States. Right. And it's, it's, it's really big on the front page. I mean, when you open it up, it's, that is what you're looking at. Immersia. Immersia. It's just, one of those stories where like, how can these people get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for these jobs of trying to get people elected and then they can't even spell more, like the most, the most important job, you're running for president of Immersia. Hey, you know what? I will vote for Mitt Romney for president of Immersia. I would totally. No problem, dude. You, you win, sir. You are going to win that, that election by a landslide. Now, in regards to America, I haven't decided. But at Immersia, if I was a citizen there, Mitt would be my man. You're my homie. Okay, well, last story before we go off to our break, which we're going to do something a little bit different today. And I hope you guys like it. I think it's incredible. First of all, there is a new website. It is called Polytwops. And what it does is it looks back on Twitter and it takes any tweet that has been deleted by a politician and reposts it on there. So anything that goes up that is, you know, embarrassing or wrong or incorrect, it starts to show you like what's on there. So like, let's say the next time that a senator posts a picture of his dick, that's a picture of his dick. And then, you know, you're going to post a picture of his dick on Twitter. It's like a college student when his wife is out of town and then deletes it right away. Don't worry about it because Polytwops have got you covered. You can go check out all the terrible things that Mitt Romney has deleted. He's deleted a few, but the main one was that he wrote that our current economic crisis requires leadership. A person equipped to solve our urgent problems is, and he pointed it to his own name. I mean, it's just kind of like, it's a egregious thing to point out to yourself on Twitter. Like, if someone's already looking at you, they already know you exist. It's not like you're saying that best person to solve it is this guy. Like, let's learn from him. Best person to solve it? Me. The guy with two thumbs that look like at symbols. Coming right back at me. I think it's a cool idea for a site because these people do a great job of shoving their foot back in their mouth. You have Republican senators who are like, was Obama born in the United States? They get deleted out real quick. You get the random spellchecks like Governor Buddy Romer who wrote A-C-C-H-M-A-N-D-E-E-E-E-E-E-N-I-J-O-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D who apparently pocket tweeted because there's no way that he actually meant to do that, right? His in-laws got a hold of the phone and just started punching the letters on the screen. That would not surprise me. You have tips. This is from Kevin McCarthy, Republican from New Hampshire. Tips for driving in D.C. Walk towards your car. Set it on fire. Set yourself on fire. Arrive at spiritual destination. It's like, what? Wait, what? What does that even mean? From the White House. Very disappointed that every GOP-er in committee voted against our very qualified Ambassador Maria Aponte for her campaign for no reason. It's not the place to put out vendettas either. I mean, this is from the White House. It's supposed to be official information and it's just embarrassing. But even more embarrassing is you have people like Steven Fincher who is a Republican from Texas. He wrote, hashtag the bachelor is a lot like the Hunger Games. It's like, we don't want you spending your time going out there and I don't need you to tell me who's going to win Celebrity Apprentice. I don't need you to tell me which Cheech and Chong movie is the best. Like, your job is to fix shit. It's not to sit around comparing pop culture things against each other. So I'm going to make this probably one of the daily places I go just to see what people are, what's being deleted from their tweeting, their tweets. Yeah, I think it's a hilarious idea. I really do love it. Okay, so I said that I'm going to do something a little bit different. And I know I'm not going to get any complaints from Brant on this because I believe this is one of his favorite guys. Yesterday, or I guess it was actually a Tuesday night, was an incredible commencement speech given by Neil Gaiman. Oh, awesome. That anybody who is in the creative arts industry should listen to this, learn it, take it to heart. It's a public record thing. We're allowed to play it. I'm going to break it up into probably two different sections. And this will be one of the longer sections. But check this out. I think it's incredible. Thank you. I never really expected to find myself giving advice to people graduating from an establishment of higher education. I never graduated from any such establishment. I never even started at one. I escaped from school as soon as I could when the prospect of four more years of enforced learning before I could become the writer I wanted to be seemed stifling. I got out into the world, I wrote, and I became a better writer the more I wrote, and I wrote some more, and nobody ever seemed to mind that I was making it all up as I went along. They just read what I wrote, and they paid me for it, or they didn't. And often they commissioned me to write something else for them, which has left me with a healthy respect and fondness for higher education that those of my friends and family who attended universities were cured of long ago. Looking back, I've had a remarkable ride. I'm not sure I can call it a career, because a career implies that I had some kind of career plan, and I never did. The nearest thing I had was a list I made when I was about 15 of everything I wanted to do. I wanted to write an adult novel, a children's book, a comic, a movie, record an audio book, write an episode of Doctor Who, and so on. I didn't have a career, I just did the next thing on the list. So I thought I'd tell you everything I wish I'd known starting out, and a few things that looking back on it I suppose I did know, and that I'd also give you the best piece of advice I'd ever got, which I completely failed to follow. First of all, when you start out on a career in the arts, you have no idea what you're doing. This is great. People who know what they're doing know the rules, and they know what is possible and what is impossible. You do not, and you should not. The rules on what is possible and impossible in the arts were made by people who had not tested the bounds of the possible by going beyond them. And you can. If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that particular thing again. Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate Press Laureate and sometimes in the end so much easier than you might imagine. Because normally there are things you have to do before you can get to the place you want to be. I wanted to write comics and novels and stories and films. So I became a journalist, because journalists are allowed to ask questions and to simply go and find out how the world works. And besides, to do those things I needed to write, and to write well. And I was being paid to learn how to write economically, crisply, sometimes under adverse conditions, and on deadline. Sometimes the way to do what you hope to do will be clear-cut, and sometimes it will be almost impossible to decide whether or not you're doing the correct thing, because you'll have to balance your goals and hopes with feeding yourself, paying debts, finding work, settling for what you can get. Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be I could be a writer, which was an author, primarily of fiction, making good books, making good comics, making good drama, and supporting myself through my words. Imagining that was a mountain, a distant mountain, my goal. And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain, I'd be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop and think about whether it was taking me towards, or away from, the goal. I said no to editorial jobs on magazines, proper jobs that would have paid proper money, because I knew that, attractive though they were, for me, they would have been walking away from the mountain. And if those job offers had come earlier, I might have taken them, because they still would have been closer to the mountain than I was at that time. I learned to write by writing. I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work. Thirdly, when you start out, you have to deal with the problems of failure. You need to be thick-skinned to learn that not every project will survive. A freelance life, a life in the arts, is sometimes like putting messages in bottles on a desert island, and hoping that someone will find one of your bottles, and open it, and read it, and put something in a bottle that will wash its way back to you. Appreciation, or a commission, or money, or love. And you have to accept that you may put out hundreds of things for every bottle that winds up coming back. The problems of failure are problems of discouragement, of hopelessness, of hunger. You want everything to happen, and you want it now, and things go wrong. My first book, a piece of journalism I'd done only for the money, and which had already bought me an electric typewriter from the advance, should have been a bestseller. It should have paid me a lot of money if the publisher hadn't gone into involuntary liquidation between the first print run selling out and the second print run never happening, and before any royalties could be paid. It would have done. And I shrugged, and I still had my electric typewriter, and enough money to pay the rent for a couple of months, and I decided that I'd do my best in future not to write books, just for the money. If you didn't get the money, then you didn't have anything. And if I did work I was proud of, and I didn't get the money, at least I'd have the work. Every now and then, I forget that rule. And whenever I do, the universe kicks me hard and reminds me. I don't know that it's an issue for anybody but me, but it's true that nothing I did where the only reason for doing it was the money was ever worth it, except as bitter experience. Usually I didn't wind up getting the money either. The things I did because I was excited and wanted to see them exist in reality have never let me down, and I've never regretted the time I spent on any of them. The problems of failure are hard. The problems of success can be harder, because nobody warns you about them. The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you're getting away with something, and that any moment now they will discover you. It's imposter syndrome, something my wife Amanda christened the fraud police. In my case, I was convinced there would be a knock on the door and a man with a clipboard. I don't know why he had a clipboard, but in my head he always had a clipboard. He would be there to tell me it was all over and they'd caught up with me, and now I would have to go and get a real job, one that didn't consist of making things up and writing them down, and reading books I wanted to read, and then I would go away quietly and get the kind of job where I would have to get up early in the morning and wear a tie and not make things up anymore. The problems of success, they're real, and with luck, you'll experience them. The point where you stop saying yes to everything because now the bottles you threw in the ocean are all coming back, and you have to learn to say no. I watched my peers and my friends and the ones who were older than me, and I'd watch how miserable some of them were. I'd listen to them telling me they couldn't envisage a world where they did what they've always wanted to do anymore because now they had to earn a certain amount every month just to keep where they were. They couldn't go and do the things that mattered and that they'd really wanted to do, and that seemed as big a tragedy as any problem of failure. And after that, the biggest problem of success is that the world conspires to stop you doing the thing that you do because you're successful. There was a day when I looked up and realized that I had become someone who professionally replied to email and who wrote as a hobby. I started answering fewer emails and was relieved to find I was writing much more. Fourthly, I hope you'll make mistakes. If you make mistakes, it means you're out there doing something. And the mistakes in themselves can be very useful. I once misspelled Caroline in a letter, transposing the A's and the O, and I thought, what does Caroline look like? Caroline looks almost like a real name. Remember, whatever discipline you're in, whether you're a musician or a photographer, a fine artist or a cartoonist, a writer, a dancer, a singer, a designer, whatever you do, you have one thing that's unique. You have the ability to make art. And for me and for so many of the people I've known, that's been a lifesaver, the ultimate lifesaver. gets you through the other ones. Sometimes life is hard. Things go wrong in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do. Make good art. I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician, make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by a mutated boa constrictor, make good art. IRS on your trail, make good art. Cat exploded, make good art. Someone on the internet thinks what you're doing is stupid or evil or it's all been done before, make good art. Probably things will work out somehow and eventually time will take the sting away and that doesn't even matter. Do what only you can do best, make good art. Make it on the bad days and make it on the good days too. And fifthly, while you're at it, make your art. Do the stuff that only you can do. The urge starting out is to copy and that's not a bad thing. Most of us only find our own voices after we've sounded like a lot. Most of us are just the voice of other people. But the one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can. The moment that you feel that just possibly you're walking down the street naked, exposing what's in your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself, that's the moment you may be starting to get it right. The things I've done that worked the best were the things I was the least certain about. The stories where I was sure they'd either work or more likely be the kind of embarrassing failures that people would gather together and discuss until the end of time. They always have that in common. Looking back at them, people explain why they were inevitable successes. And when I was doing them, I had no idea. I still don't. And where would be the fun in making something you knew was going to work? And sometimes the things I did really didn't work. There are stories of mine that have never been reprinted. Some of them never even left the house. But I learned as much from them as I did from the things that worked. Okay, sixthly, I'm going to pass on some secret freelancer knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. I learned that the internet was good. And it's useful for anyone who ever plans to create art for other people, to enter a freelance world of any kind. I learned it in comics. But it applies to other fields too. And it's this. People get hired because somehow they get hired. In my case, I did something which these days would be easy to check and would get me into a lot of trouble. And when I started out in those pre-internet days seemed like a sensible career strategy. When I was asked by editors who I'd written for, I lied. I listed a handful of magazines that sounded likely and I sounded confident and I got jobs. I then made it a point of honor to have written something for each of the magazines I'd listed to get that first job. So that I hadn't actually lied, I'd just been chronologically challenged. But you get work however you get work. But people keep working in a freelance world. And more and more of today's world is freelance. Because the work is good. And because they're easy to get along with. And because they deliver the work on time. And you don't even need all three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. Two out of three. So when I agreed to give this address, I thought, what is the best piece of advice I was ever given? And I realized that it was actually a piece of advice that I had failed to follow. And it came from Stephen King. It was 20 years ago at the height of the success, the initial success of Sandman, the comic I was writing. I was, oh, thank you. I was writing a comic people loved, and they were taking it seriously. And Stephen King liked Sandman, and my novel with Terry Pratchett, Good Omens. And he saw the madness that was going on, the long signing lines, all of that stuff. And his advice to me was this. He said, this is really great. You should enjoy it. And I didn't. Best advice I ever got that I ignored. Instead, I worried about it. I worried about it. I worried about the next deadline, the next idea, the next story. There wasn't a moment for the next 14 or 15 years that I wasn't writing something in my head or wondering about it. And I didn't stop and look around and go, this is really fun. I wish I'd enjoyed it more. It's been an amazing ride, but there were parts of the ride I missed because I was too worried about things going wrong, about what came next to enjoy the bit that I was on. That was the hardest lesson for me, I think, to let go and enjoy the ride. Because the ride takes you to some remarkable and unexpected places. And here on this platform, today for me, is one of those places. And I am enjoying myself immensely. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'd actually put that in brackets just in case I wasn't, I wouldn't say. To all today's graduates, I wish you luck. Luck is useful. Often you will discover that the harder you work and the more wisely you work, the luckier you will get. But there is luck, and it helps. We're in a transitional world right now. If you're in any kind of artistic field, because the nature of distribution is changing. The models by which creators got their work out into the world and got to keep a roof over their heads and buy sandwiches while they did that, they're all changing. I've talked to people at the top of the food chain in publishing, in book selling, in music, in all those areas. And no one knows what the landscape will look like two years from now, let alone a decade away. The distribution channel is changing. It's changing. It's changing. The distribution channels that people had built over the last century or so are in flux for print, for visual artists, for musicians, for creative people of all kinds, which is on the one hand intimidating, and on the other, immensely liberating. The rules, the assumptions, the now we're supposed tos of how you get your work seen and what you do then, they're breaking down. The gatekeepers are leaving their gates. You can be as creative. You can be as creative as you need to be to get your work seen. YouTube and the web and whatever comes after YouTube and the web can give you more people watching than old television ever did. The old rules are crumbling. And nobody knows what the new rules are. So make up your own rules. Someone asked me recently how to do something she thought was going to be difficult. In this case, recording an audio book. And I suggested she pretend that she was someone who could do it. Not pretend to do it, but pretend she was someone who could. She put up a notice to this effect on the studio wall, and she said it helped. So be wise, because the world needs more wisdom. And if you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise and then just behave like they would. And now go and make interesting mistakes. Make amazing mistakes. Make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here. Make good art. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Neil Gaiman from the University of Arts class in Philadelphia. That was amazing. Yeah. What a great commencement speech. Yeah. I mean, it really, maybe it just means more to me and probably to us because we are in that creative field where you weren't sure what's going to be happening next. We're making our own rules as we try something new. Yeah, that we are, man. So thanks for that, Neil. It actually put me in a great position. place last night when I was putting together stories for this week and I'm like, man, I really wanted to share this. So, I'm glad that we went ahead and did that. Yeah. And he's such a talented guy. I know that you're a huge fan of all of his works. His books and his movies and I don't know if I've actually seen the episode of Doctor Who that he wrote. I'm sure I have because I've caught a lot of them, but definitely one I'll have to check out to see if I have or have not seen and we'll watch it. Yeah, pretty awesome. Okay, so on to some less inspiring news, but funny news nonetheless. I've just gotten contacts from on Facebook, on another spot that people love the commencement speech. Awesome. Glad that we played that. Okay, so less inspiring news. Dude, okay, so I've known about this for a while. I wondered how it happened, but it is now hitting the mainstream press. I was home jerking off and I realized that I was watching a video of people fucking at the Coliseum. Nice. Like, that is definitely the LA Coliseum. Like, I've seen Todd Marinovich score touchdowns there, Rodney Peet throw for touchdowns, OJ Simpson stand on the side of the field and get his applause. I'm like, how in the hell did they do this? It turns out that right after September 11th 2001, like after the terrorist attacks, they got some ability to enter the Coliseum and actually film this huge orgy. On the floor of the Coliseum. Wow. It's actually pretty awesome. This is at the time when like all stadiums across the country just sat empty because everybody was in mourning and canceled all the games everywhere. Also the fear of perhaps another attack at one of these venues if something big was going on. So I just think that I've often wondered, like, how did they do it? It turns out that all the people who were in charge there at that time deny knowing that it happened. They had no idea. They didn't give any permission for it. Now the company that did it, which is called Anabolic, they are now being questioned on their paperwork over how did they actually get the ability to do this. Right. These same guys, these same executives are the ones that are being investigated right now for their backdoor shenanigans that they were dealing with. Taking like almost a half a million dollars in kickbacks for jobs. For being able to put up those raves that were going on. Yeah. Which I guess in the end less people get messed up at a rave than they do at a porn shoot. But it's a pretty out of control porn shoot, dude. It sounds like it. It's like 40 people, right? Yeah. And it's like a couple of football teams of people going at each other with the cheerleaders and it's a great video. I mean, I was stoked to stroke. I mean, it was a good one, but it was still just it's always been in my mind like, how did they do that? And the fact that it takes 11 years later for people to pay attention to be like, what's going on here? That's pretty crazy. Well, the fact that this was probably, that was filmed 11 years ago and it's taken this long for it to come to light that people didn't realize, oh my God. I'm sure the average viewer here in Los Angeles recognized it. But... It's one of the more recognizable places in the world, really. I mean, it's hosted Olympics and it's hosted the first couple of Super Bowls. I mean, it's a monumental place that people know about. So, I think that story is awesome. Love it. Here's a story that's not quite as awesome in the same way, but it's still pretty awesome. This is a story about a guy named Michael Smith and what he did when Taco Bell forgot a couple of his tacos. Police say that a couple went through the drive-thru and after the driver noticed that he was missing a taco, he came back to the window and started yelling at employees, honking his horn and, you know, like things escalated. Then he decided to hit the building with his car and then drive off. So, did he ever get his other taco? No, never got his other taco. He was a very sarcastic and rude dude and he was driving around the parking lot, like screeching his tires and they thought it was just another, like, angry customer until the car plowed into the side of the building. Wow. All for one taco that was forgotten. So, he didn't, like, pull out when he rode the tires, slammed into the side and the police were able to catch the man because surveillance cameras all over the place and, like, they basically film everybody that comes up to the window to put their orders in. Very easy to track him down. Also, because his, um, when he hit the front of his car into the building, it made it so all of his, like, fluid started dripping out of the bottom. Awesome. They were just able to follow it down the two miles away and when they caught him, he admitted that he did it on purpose, but that he was mad because he messed up his order. Wow. All for a dollar taco. You're going to jail, sir, for a dollar taco. That is absolutely ridiculous. That's like felony vandalism by doing that. So, you have a good time in prison, sir. If they short you a taco, you may not want to go crazy. They'll shrink you in the shower. Yo, quiero moron. Yeah. Where's my moron? Right there. That is just dumb as it gets. We should have done this story right after that. In fact, I kind of meant to. Oops. Maybe we'll throw it out of order later. There is a analysis that came out where people have now started trying to figure out, if you were born today, how much would it cost to go to college a year? Right. The estimates on cost are it is $41,228 for a public school. That's what the estimates are from 18 years from now. Okay. Do you know what it is? It is currently? Right now, it's about $27,000. It's going to go up 50%, basically. Roughly. The scarier number here is that it looks like to go to a private school, the cost per year would be about $130,000. Ouch. Dude, I mean, it doesn't even matter what you're trying to learn at that rate. It's not worth it. Even if it's at USC? Even if it's at USC. I mean, it's just $130,000. Do you know how long you're going to have to pay that back? You won't even be able to pay it back in your life. Your kids will have to pay it back. Well, if you're lucky, if that higher area of learning that's more expensive gets you a job that pays you more, then you might be able to get it paid off. But if it's just your average $50,000 a year to $100,000 a year job, it's going to take you decades to get out of debt. I mean, didn't it used to be that colleges were like, in place of higher learning? It seems like now they're just higher prices. And scams. Especially when there's more and more cutbacks that continue to occur. There's a projection out that some college textbooks by the year 2018, which is only six years away, are going to be $1,500 a book. That's offensive. Of course, the school will buy it back. Probably about five, six bucks. Exactly. There's no value in it. You darn got all the learning already out of this book. There's nothing here to learn no more. Don't give it to somebody else, though. Don't worry, they'll learn. Make a good book stop. You can probably roll some biscuits out on it. It might level off that table you got. It is offensive. In some ways, I hope that education is the next big market to crash. My question is, will there actually be books to purchase or are you just going to be downloading, you're going to pay and download for all this information to go onto a computer or a reader? Are you still going to be charging that $1,500 because there's nothing physical that I'm actually receiving? I'm now receiving just information that's all digitally stored. Let's hope so. If it's $1,800 and it's just digital now, they can probably knock it down to $1,750. Yeah. Maybe knock $50 off because there's no other way. Buy the reader for $50 and we'll take $50 off. Yeah, that's right. There's no actual discount there at all. Just the incentive to do it. In many ways, I've never been happier that I never got a higher education. I know so many people that it's like it ruins their lives. I have one friend that is a teacher and looking at her student loans and what she has to pay, she cannot pay it back for the rest of her life. She went out and got a master's, like fine art or something. And she owes so much cash on it that she's just never going to be able to pay it back. She's going to live underneath this crushing debt the rest of her life. It's the largest area of debt now. It used to be credit cards, but everyone got smart about how to handle their money via credit cards. And now all these student loans have become our major debt. And so many of these companies are also now offering college kids credit cards because they know that that's, you know, a easy group of idiots to go after. I mean, sure, you're in college, but that doesn't mean you're smart. Right. Most of the time when you're in college, it means you actually might be kind of dumb. Yep. You have no idea what it is that you want to do. Yep. You feel that instead of going out into the real world and making your own thing, shit, I can buy four more years of not having to deal with reality and just going to cake parties and the fun stuff. Right. As opposed to getting off their butts and trying to figure out how to make something. How to open their own studio, how to start their own show, how to find their own happiness in the world. Instead, it's mommy and daddy co-signing on a loan for me, then I get to go sit over here and do bong ropes for four years. Right. Nice. I mean, that's what they do. Have you seen the story that came out this week about Obama's pot smoking in college? Off the Huffington Post? Yeah. I love the fact that the pot smoking is off the Huffington. That's true. I have heard some of that. Some of these things that he... One of my favorite stories that I heard was the hot boxing of the car. They'd get in there and they'd hot box it so much that after they were done, they would sit there and they would breathe in the smoke that had collected in the ceiling. Roof hits. Roof hits. Exactly. And apparently he was quite bad at interrupting the passing circle. I didn't read that part. What do you mean? As the joints were getting passed around, oh, and Barry's in for the interception and would... Hop in the middle of the circle, grab it, take a couple of big drags and then just start passing it again. Interception. Interception. Wow, that's crazy. Barry. Totally different from Bill Clinton with his I did not inhale. Right. I mean, here he's saying that we invented new ways of smoking weed. The idea of a roof hit, I would never even have thought of that. I mean, this man is a recycler. He's always been thinking, green. That's awesome. The whole idea, though, of hot boxing has never appealed to me. First of all, it makes you smell like shit. Yeah, you reek of herb afterwards. It makes the inside of your car stink, like if that's where you're going to do it. And I don't like the idea of deliberately breathing in what has been in other people's lungs. Kind of seems like, to me, that's a little bit on the gross side. Yeah. To specifically be doing that is just, that's weird to me. I can't go for that. No. As Hall & Oates would say. But yeah, good old Barry Obama. Mr. Interception himself. I wish I had read that part because that is awesome. It is. I thought you were going to say that he didn't do the puff puff pass and then he did the puff for you, two puffs for that guy. Give some of your puff over to him because he doesn't have any. Apparently, social justice with the marijuana. Hey man, it should be there. It definitely deserves that type of acknowledgement and recognition, you know. But in the end, when someone's trying to Bogart your joints or someone's trying to intercept or someone's trying to make you smoke out of someone else's lungs, I only got one message for that. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. This week it's him. I better say this. I do not own this song. And warning, if you're listening at home, this song will get stuck in your head all damn day. Over time, where does it stop? Where do you dare me to draw the line? You got the body, now you want my soul. Don't even think about it, say no more. Yeah, I'll do anything that you want me to. Yeah, I'll take a rough hit. I'll do almost anything that you want me to. Interception! Don't let go of my heart. Don't get in my way. Can't go for that. No. Barry, bring back my joint. Okay. No can do. I can't go for that. No. Yeah. No can do. I can't go for that. Can't go for that. Can't go for that. Can't go for that. No. Can't go for that. Man, all the notes. It's like, it's so disappointing that those guys kind of fell out of favor because their music was all pretty awesome. Yeah, I agree. And that's what the boys were saying back at Oxy with Mr. Barry Obama. They were giving the... No can do. I can't go for that. Nope. Hey, let's do some roof hits. Nope. No can do. I... I can't go for that. That's terrible. That's awesome. Okay, so I guess I can't believe that that part, part, part, part, fell into our serious news, but hey, here we are. Yeah. Well, it is kind of serious. Yeah. Okay, let's move on to our next section, man. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. Sports. And more sports. Sports news. Sports news. Indeed. Okay, so I guess the big news here in LA. Last night, the Kings wound up winning their first game in the Stanley Cup Finals. They won 2-0 in overtime at New Jersey. 2-0 in overtime? Excuse me, 2-1 in overtime. Yeah, there you go. Excuse me. Yeah, it's right here in front of me. Yeah. 2-1 in overtime. And, you know, this is their... This is their ninth consecutive road victory. So that's a pretty impressive little feat right there. Heck yeah. I've never won anything nine times anyway. Right. So to do that on the road in an opposing team's arena, that's pretty impressive. Indeed. And to take that first game, that means home ice advantage returns to Los Angeles for the upcoming games. Okay, when does the rest of the series play on? The next game is going to be Saturday at New Jersey again. I can't watch that one. I got something. I got something going on Saturday night. They got some nice breaks in between for their playoffs, it seems. Then we've got Monday. It'll be back here at the Staples Center for the Kings game. Okay. I have a shot at that one. I said I would watch one Kings game if they made the finals. Then there's Wednesday. Again, will be game four. Once again, here in Los Angeles. And if needed, game five will be on June 9th. Then the 11th for the 6th. And then the 13th for game seven. All of those, if necessary. I'm hoping they won't be. I'm hoping the Kings... Can sweep through. And that way hockey's been here, done that. But at the same time, we're world champions. That'd be badass. I mean, even though I'm not really into it, I still like the idea of LA being champions in anything. Hey, the Stanley Cup having to come down here. And it'll be... If we're up three games to nothing with game four, that cup will actually be here in Los Angeles. That'd be awesome. I would go watch the parade or something like that. Because I bet that parade, they don't start fires. No. I can't imagine. Actually, it will depend. If we do sweep, Kings fans are just as rabid as Laker fans. No way. They'll go and light something on fire. No way, really? They'll flip a cop car over and put it on fire. Wow, okay. I will bet you a dollar that if the Kings win, there's no riot afterwards. Okay. I'm not saying a riot. We'll shake on it. The air. The air shake. Great. Now I have a rooting interest to win a dollar. Okay. Here's the next story. You got... Are you familiar with P. Diddy? Who? P. Diddy. I guess he used to be Puff Daddy or Poodle Doodle, whatever his name is. Basically, he was very lucky. He had this rapper friend who was very good named The Notorious B.I.G. Right. And then The Notorious B.I.G. died. And then everybody was like, oh, shit. Like, let's pay attention to his friend. Right. Right. He was never like... To me, a great rapper. Apparently, though, he's a pretty good baby maker. He is a son that now has a scholarship from UCLA. To play basketball? Cornerback football. Quarterback football. Corner. Cornerback. Yeah. Now, this has caused a lot of outrage out of people because what the fuck does a guy who has made $45 million this year need a scholarship for to send his kid to school? There's a lot of people who are like, hey, man, you can afford this. So why are you doing this? Why are you accepting this? Why can't you just pay for your kid to go and maybe let the scholarship go to someone else? Yeah. I mean, why not let it go to somebody who actually can't afford to go? One of the other players on the team who may not have a full scholarship. But there's also people who are like, oh, well, this is his chance to make something without his dad, to be able to show that he can do something on his own. And even if that's the logic that you take, then I think that Puff Daddy should step up and just go to the school on the side and say, thank you for establishing this scholarship. Thank you for giving this scholarship to my son. I would like to establish one for future students. There you go. That way it kind of evens out. The kid still earned his thing, and he still got the idea that daddy didn't do it for him. But it also doesn't take from the system, in a way that hurts somebody else who is not more deserving, but more needing. Yeah. I agree. So that's an excellent way of going through and fixing this. I mean, it's nothing but good PR for P. Diddy now, if he was to go and do something like that. I mean, he'd only have to not pour out a couple extra bottles of Cristal this year. Oh. That's what he's good at. He's good at spring chicks boobs with Cristal. That is where his... His real talents tend to shine. Mm-hmm. So, my favorite sports story. It's not exactly a sport. I don't know if you consider skydiving a sport, but there is a gentleman who is going to attempt to break the world record for the longest skydiving jump. He is going to go up to 120,000 feet above the Earth's surface. Dude, that's crazy. And he will be wearing a very special suit because at that height and the speed that he's going to go up, he's going to be able to do a lot of things. But it's also itch-chchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchchch but 100,000 feet just seems insane. And just the sheer amount of time that you're going to be free falling towards the earth just seems like it'd be incalculable. The thing I thought that was really cool about this is this is supposed to be the first time that a human being just on his own breaks the sound barrier. Yeah, he will be going fast enough for that to happen. I wonder what happens when your body actually goes, I mean, I've been around when sonic booms have occurred in the atmosphere, but I've never been in a plane that actually creates one, and the physical body being able to do that makes me wonder, does it actually do anything to your body when you actually are now moving faster than the speed of sound? I think that he should, when he's doing this, when he's about 30,000 feet, he should just get into a cannonball position, and then he can try to have the, the world's biggest, deepest cannonball ever. Probably would kill him. It's worth it. You used to have two world records in one attempt. Yeah, okay, but you don't get to enjoy the notoriety of that. He may burn his dick off on the way down anyways, so what's the difference? Once you burn your dick off, there's no reason to even live anymore for that anyways. I really hope that they are somehow able to film his descent at different levels, having different either helicopters or balloons, perhaps, that are just going to have cameras that will be able to fixate on him and follow him as he descends, and they'll be at different varying heights, so you're going to see him descend, and then you're going to be above him at some point, then you're going to be below him and watching him come down at you. Or maybe he'll be wearing some kind of photographic device with him as he's descending to see what it's like, because I think that would be an amazing video. There's no way he doesn't film it. I mean, it's too easy to film things now. But an amazing record that's going to potentially be shot, and it's going to be shattered in just a matter of weeks. Yeah, I will check that out and learn more about it. I think that's pretty awesome. Indeed. Okay, so we've got Athletes and Money Stories. Athletes and Money Story number one. Dennis Rodman has been sentenced in his child support case. When you hear these stories, you're like, oh, that fucking idiot Dennis Rodman, like, he just blows it all, and he's so dumb. That dude owes $800,000. In back child support. In back child support, and probably about a million dollars in going forward child support. I mean, I know that these guys make some money, but $2 million, like, what are they giving this kid? Well, is it one kid or is it multiple kids? He's one of those smart ones that has multiples. In this case, he has two. With another woman, he also has two. So he's got four of them. That's not so bad. Well, this is just one. Okay. One of the women that's his baby mama. What is that, one for every NBA title? I guess so. That's not so bad. But you hear these things all the time, like Johnny Carson or something would get divorced, and he'd have to pay his wife something like $30,000 a month. Mm-hmm. I mean, what's the fucking logic there? How does anybody think that for doing absolutely nothing that they need that type of money to live on? It's one of those things that I've just never, ever understood. It's growing accustomed to a specific lifestyle. These people who have money are used to having money. And now all of a sudden, just because we're divorced, I'm not going to, even though I may take half of what you own, I deserve to continue to make money off of you because while we were together, you were wrong. Yes, I agree with you. Wrong. I think it's wrong, too. Wrong. I think when you hear like $10,000 a month in alimony and then another $5,000 a month in child support, it's like, well, what's she doing? What's her job? Is she not going to have a job? She doesn't need a job at that point. When you have 15 grand coming in. What's the point? I mean, at this case, Dennis Rodman was expected to pay $50,000 a month in child support. For all four kids or just to this one woman? Just to this one woman. Just one woman. So at least last year, he had that reduced to $4,500 a month, which is still a lot of money, but at least it's attainable. I mean, I can't come up with $50,000 a year. I'd have a hard time a month. I'd have a hard time coming up with $50,000 a year to pay for some kid. Right. I mean, that would be tough enough. And you'd think that as a major NBA star from, granted, the 90s, there'd be some money available, but he has apparently burned through everything. But this dude was not smart. I mean, literally, Dennis Rodman was a janitor in a prison, and he got extra time when there was no sweeping, apparently, that had to be done, and he would go out and he would shoot baskets on the court, and he would be... He's so bad at, like, making the baskets that he'd constantly have to be running down his misses. He got very, very good at getting his miss shots. At rebounding. At rebounding. And that is why for a short amount of his life, he was able to make a good amount of money. Very healthy with some amount. But it was a very short amount of his life. Like, why should this continue on and on with $50,000 a month? That is offensive. I think that's why he was able to get it reduced down to $4,500. $4,500 a month. Because, like, wait a second, I'm not making that kind of money. Back then, he could afford to do that. Back then, he could give her... Which makes me wonder that when he was paying child support, when he had the millions of dollars, what was that woman doing with her share of it? Because if he's getting $50,000 a month for child support, where did all that go for all those years? I mean, wasn't anything saved up in the kids... I mean, maybe she's just doing it for the sense that he hasn't been paying and he owes her for it. Mm-hmm. But... But... But... But... But still, at $50,000 a month, that was when he was an NBA star. Now he's back to just being some kind of... He shows up on The Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe he'll be down dancing with the stars this year. Maybe he goes to a couple of nightclubs a year and hosts some parties or something. That's probably what he's going to wind up having to do. He's going to probably have to pimp his name out there in regards to, like, going to signings. You know, come see Dennis Rodman at this such and such memorabilia store and he'll sign something for $50. Well, looking at what he makes a year, this is about 150% of his income every year. So anytime you spend 150% of your income, that is going to leave you broke no matter what else is going on. I mean, like... You're broke before you even get through the year. That is just simple math. Children and ex-wives are very expensive. Yes. That's why I am not sure I'm going to ever have either. I pray that I never have the ex-wife because I love my wife, love being with her. Yeah. The children thing, if that happens, I'd work it out. I'm sure it'll work itself out. Yeah, I would work it out. I'd get a job walking cats or something. I don't know what I would do, but I'd figure out something. But there's something that's fundamentally wrong. When somebody is a person who makes $150,000 a year and they're expected to come up with $800,000 for child support. Yeah. That is basically going in front of a judge and the judge saying, we will arrest you again at X and X date. Because... You know he's not going to make that up. You know what? All he's going to have to do is show at least an attempt to send some money there. Even if it's not the full amount. It's like, this is all I can afford. The judge can't make you pay more if you don't have it. And honestly, if I felt that this money was going towards his kids or something, I just totally fucked up my computer somehow. If I felt that this money was actually going towards the kids and this money was going to benefit some children's lives in any way, then I'd be like, okay, let's think about this and figure out the right thing to do here. But this is just so some skanky hoe who took his dick in the back of a nightclub one night can continue to drink Cristal and probably have her own side lovers and things that make her happy. No, actually, I'm crazy. A woman to have a side lover, that's fucking nuts. They don't want to have sex in any way to begin with. So why would that happen? So, let's see. We're talking other sports money news. We've got David Beckham, who's going to be apparently taking himself a bit of a salary cut here for the LA Galaxy. Deserved. Yeah. That guy made way too much money on his first contract. Wasn't it $250 million for 10 years with the LA Galaxy? Has it already been that long, though? Here's the thing. I think it gets changed. His contract was structured in a way that that was a maximum amount of money he was going to be able to make. But there were performance issues in regards to how well he's playing his sport, which is a boring sport to begin with. Are they okay? Yeah, I just had to make sure we're still on the air. Somehow I knocked the computers off, so I have no idea how much time we have. I don't know. So we can't even go to a break at this point? I don't know. We're, what's the term I'm looking for? Shit out of... Luck? Luck. Luck. There we are. S-O-O-R-D. I'm not sure what to do on that one. How about we sing... I'm not sure what I did, but I think I fucked it up, yeah. What song is that on? Uh, yeah, well, who knows what it is. The powers were off on him, so I just... If I can mess it up, I'm gonna mess it up. Oh, that's been out. Okay. Because I saw that from the other side. You sit on that side way more than I do, so... I'm gonna see if it's a problem beyond just this room and if it's in the other room also. Okay. Sorry about the technical difficulties, folks. We're just trying to get things up and running again. Okay. Get your technical difficulties thing on. As sad as it is, we actually can't even turn our technical difficulties thing on. So, um, not good. Okay, let's see. Here I can tell if I shut down that computer. No, that computer is still up and running. Okay, so it has something to do with the connection from the screen to the... Um, that box. Because all my stuff is still up here on screen. I can still see everything and do everything and... Um... Maybe... What the hell is this stuff? Because this doesn't even make sense to me. Who knows? We may just, uh... Turn back on the station and let someone else's show come on here. But it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... it... Everything's in funky orders, and I can't tell what's going on here. Nothing is laid out here now. It's all crazy land. Hey, I do apologize, party people. This is not what I was trying to do here today to make things go bad and wrong. But I make mistakes too, and apparently in this situation, I have made some mistake that has maybe screwed us over somehow. Did you get to anything on here either? Yeah, good question. Maybe I can find something to play on here. Oops, wrong screen. Yeah, that whole screen sharing thing that's supposed to come up here, that's not really playing. Okay, here's what I can do. I can go here. I can go here. Who do we love the most? We love Russ Gutten the most. I'm always down for a little Russ Gutten. See if we can throw something at him while we figure all this out. Hey, look, I don't know how I did this, okay? Shit goes wrong sometimes. No, that's not going to give me anything either. Why would it? Not legalizing marijuana. Woo! Woo! I'm just kidding. I am so upset. I love weed. And you know why I lost? Because they only had the vote on one day. Most common phrase used that day. That was today. I thought it was another day. But I'm glad the weed shops are still around because they got all the names when you go into the weed store. Like, so, Vester Stallone. Blue Dream. I go in there the other day. A big black guy goes, Yo, Russ. This is some Oprah OG. I said, oh my God. That would be the greatest episode of Oprah to ever get free tickets to, right? She would come out. She'd be like, Look under your seats. You get a second weed. You get a second weed. This fucking lady gets a second weed. Everybody gets a second weed. My fucking weed balloons are coming down. Fat white ladies are going crazy. Rolling plugs. Making out with each other. Listening to the Wu-Tang. They're sucking weed throw pillows in O Magazine next month. Next year we'll listen to that bitch's favorite things. Weed brownies. The Big Lebowski. And then she'll forget the rest of the fucking list. Because she is baked. She's getting that Barack Obama shit. He sends it to her like, Yo, oh, it's Barry. I hope you got my package. And Oprah's so powerful, she got behind Prop 19. Forget about it. That shit would have won. If she'd come out on her episode like, Ooh, Gil, you got to hit this. I'm hungry, child. Y'all need to legalize this shit. That shit will be legal in five minutes. Fucking fat white ladies in Modesto would mobilize and make fucking bombs out of paper and shade. And their craft group. And people have to lie to get their prescription. But I don't have to lie. I don't have to lie, sir. Because I got severe food allergies. I shit you not. I'm allergic to everything. I lost 56 pounds in six months. And I'm not anorexic. I'm not Tracy Gold from Growing Pains. I'm allergic to everything. I'm allergic to wheat, gluten, flour, yeast, starches, rice, potatoes, sugar, happiness, sunshine, fond memories. Hey, Russ, remember that time we went to the park? Oh. I'm not kidding. I think about the wrong kind of breakfast. My ass starts to bleed. I shit you not. Man, God, sir. I even ingest some soy sauce accidentally. I don't want to get gross. My type looks like Edward James Almost's face except with more fucked up shit on it. And then my Jew mother at Passover, I even knew it when I was a kid. I would say to her at Passover, hey, ma, I don't like eating the matzah. It makes me feel sick. And she would say, Russell, you have people like this in the desert? You'll eat it and enjoy everything. Turns out, that Jew bitch was poisoning me the whole time. The whole time. And I'm starving to death, but I smoke a lot of pot. That doesn't work. And I'm allergic to everything. All I can eat is almonds and seeds. I'm like a fucking bird. You got a bird feeder on your front lawn or your balcony mess, I would be out there trying to satiate myself. I would eat your face. I would eat your face. If I didn't think your face grew gluten in it, I'm convinced that it does. I would eat your face. It looks delicious in this light and it's dim and I'm not wearing my glasses. Grain of salt. And don't you think people are going to look back on us a hundred years from now like Boardwalk Empire and be like, look at those simple people with their prohibition of marijuana before we had the internet in our eyeballs. And that's why I love Mad Men because it was simpler times, right? I keep hoping Mad Men will have a fucking sci-fi episode. Sci-fi episode where Don Draper wakes up now in the future and he goes to a modern advertising company and he's in the middle of the floor in the middle of the day pounding cigarettes, drinking a scotch, you know, and some pregnant lady comes up to him like, hey, you can't do that here. And he fucking slaps him in the face. They'll be like, sir, you can't do that. He's like, but she's a lady and she's pregnant. She talked back to me. Did you hear the tone on her? But it was simpler times, right? And people in the future with the gays too, they're going to look back at us and be like, can you believe mom and dad grew up when gays had separate water fountains? They do, right? All right. I think that our crisis has been averted. We figured out how to put this together again. And we're back on the air with Grand Theft Audio. This is all going to get cut out, so I'm going to put another bump on here. You are listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You are listening to Skid Row Studios. Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. Skid Row Studios. Yes, yes. We're listening to Skid Row Studios. I'm not doing it with you. Please do it with me. Fuck that. Will you please have sex with me? At Skid Row Studios? At Skid Row Studios. Maybe. Okay. You are listening to Grand Theft Audio Radio with Jake Belcher and Grant Thoman. All right, party people. This is Jake Belcher. And I'm Grant Thoman. Yeah. Eventually, we are going to figure this shit out. We've only done it for years. But in our defense, we really haven't been running all this equipment the whole time. So we apologize, party people, to the technical difficulties that you just had to, I'm sure, suffer through. I'm sure no one was sitting at home laughing at us like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. These guys, you really fucked up again. Yep. Good God. But we figured it out. Power cord issue. Yeah. Power cord. Yeah. Who expected that the power cord just fell out, right? Yeah, exactly. That was not the first thing that went through my brain. Okay, here we go. Back to our sports and money stories. It's not very often that the most successful player in his sport is not the person that makes the most money at home. But we are in this situation now where, sure, Tom Brady, he's got his three Super Bowl rings, lords of endorsements, but he is not even close to bringing home as much money. Bacon. Bacon, filet mignon, whatever, as his wife is. Giselle, who I don't even know how to say her last name. I just call her Scoogalotter, because that's what I do when I see her. Giselle Brady. Yeah, that's right. Let's put it that way. Mrs. Brady. Yeah. What doesn't she take? It's like, It's his last name. Because her own name is worth more than his. They just told us. But everybody knows. I mean, it's like, everybody knows who he is. It's not like it's some secret. But she made $45 million as a model last year, which is a whopping 66% more than Tom Brady made. Well. That's a lot of money, dude. There's a whole lot more. For looking hot. That's a lot of money. But she's also, here's the thing, he only works, what, nine months out of the year. The other three months, he gets to just sit around and do his endorsement. Recover. I mean, that is a rough sport. What's the worst thing that happens to you as a model? You break a heel? You might break your ankle if you break a heel. Okay. That's true. That could be awful. You wouldn't be able to walk those runways. I guess you have to like, worry about photographers who want to touch you inappropriately. I think just staying in that kind of physical shape, because you know that she's eating very healthy. She's going to eat the very best food for that. She's going to take care of herself with physical, with trainers and, and keeping herself physically fit. She has to do it year round. I mean, granted she's doing it around the world at different venues. So she's getting to see the world at the same time, but you know, it's a stressful life they lead, man. They're only allowed to eat just the right amount of food, and they've got to keep themselves looking that perfect because it only lasts for a couple of years. In 10 years, he'll be making more money than she does. It just seems crazy to me how much money, like, she has no talent. She's an untalented. She's probably an untalented. She has a talent for walking down the catwalk. Ooh, on the catwalk, where she does her little turn on the catwalk. She's a model. You know what she means. And she does her little turn on the catwalk. I mean, this whole thing came out of the story that says that she is now the 60th, six zero most powerful woman in the world. Wow. The whole idea that just because she has money makes her one of the most powerful women in the world is fucking laughable. Well, I think it might be also her influence, but within her industry. I'm sure that, that, that probably means something. That's so that's why Oprah's number one. I mean, she has so much influence in so many industries that there's not, there's no reason why not to believe that she'd be the number one, most powerful woman in the world. And I guess it also makes sense to like, um, modeling is a world industry and football is kind of an American industry. Exactly. So I guess, I guess in that respect, I can see how it makes some sense. Right. I mean, and she's going to get paid top dollar, wherever, wherever it is, she's going to go and she's, she's just signing, she's signing contracts just like Brady does, but hers are for short term deals. She's going to come in and come out to Milan and she's going to work the runway for a couple of hours, a couple of days. And, uh, here's a couple of million dollars for it. Thanks for coming out. And by the way, here's a beautiful suite for you to stay in and anything else you need, just let us know. That makes sense. That's a nice deal. Okay. So, um, we have two very different, uh, quote unquote sports, uh, one of them I can test you in. And I think that could be a little bit of fun. Okay. Um, there is some, uh, swirl of interest has happened this year in the spelling bee. Okay. Because there is a six year old girl who is the youngest ever to make it into the, um, the finals, the finals. Okay. And she only made it three words in, but would you like to be tested on the three words? Sure. Let's see if I, let's, let's see if I can even come. Close. Okay. word number one, dirigible, D E R I D G E B L E dirigible. Okay. Okay. Like that's a tough word. Uh, it's D I R dirigible. Okay. I G I B L E. Okay. She got that one. Correct. Obviously. Cause she had two more after this. So I'm already out. I've lost. Yeah. You, you lost. What's the next one? Um, the next, next one was, um, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, it's Va-chero. Va-chero. V A C Q U E R O. Va-chero. Uh, Had you take it out the C- Oh- You, it would have been fine. The word that got her, uh, I don't even know how to pronounce it. And gloovies, it is a word meaning the crop of a bird or insect. The crop? The crop. So it's like if insects are bringing things back to their nest, then that would be like when ants go to a picnic and they steal a pie. Right. That's what they do. That is and gloovies. And gloovies. Did they give you the sentence that it was used in? Okay, let's see what this actually says and does, and I'll stop it before she goes with the spelling. I may have to skip an ad. Dirigible. D-I-R-I-G-I-B-L-E. Dirigible. And gloovies. E-N. Yeah, they don't give the definition that they give there. Hmm. So it's E-N something. N-G-L-U-V-I-E-S. And gloovies. That is incorrect. Oh. I'm not too terribly worried about the young lady. She'll be back next year. She'll get it all right. She's only six. There's supposed to be an I at the beginning instead of an E. Yeah. And gloovies is I-N-G-L-U-V-I-E-S. That's one of my favorite events. I love watching the spelling bee. It kind of sucks to actually watch it while looking at the screen, so I usually try to turn my chair around so that I don't see the word come up on the screen when they're trying to get it, because as soon as you see the word, shit, I can repeat what I say there. Right. And I don't think it should be shown to the viewing audience until, like, as she's spelling, those letters would come up. Yeah. And if it's correct, it would turn green, and if it was wrong, it would turn red, move up, and then it would show you the correct spelling. That's a better way of making Americans spell better. It's like, um... I'm not sure what to do on that one. Oh, we did have a call waiting somehow there for a second, but then it went away. Oh. I'm not sure what the right way of doing it. Maybe you can have something that's on the screen that's like you can have people participating at home, and you can have the top five spellings for it pop up on the screen from at home. Right. It'd be the equivalent of watching Jeopardy, and they put the answer up on the screen. Oh, wait, that's what they do. That is what they do. They put the answer up, and you have to form the question. That's what they do. Never mind. Like, I'm dumb. That happens. Okay, so you have that side. Then you have kind of like the exact opposite side. Last weekend was a UFC pay-per-view, and apparently one of the guys did some dumb stuff to the point that he is no longer able or allowed to work with the UFC. Some dumb bullshit? Some dumb bullshit. That is what Dana White said he was doing. This guy, Jason Mayhem Miller, before the fights, he started doing like some stunts that didn't really go over with the... ownership very well. So are they stunts like you would see, say, in the WWE, like some kind of hijinks in regards to other participants? It was just a crazy string of bullshit. Like, he came out, and he started doing some flips, and he was talking some shit to the cameras. Doing all the stuff that he didn't want Brock Lesnar doing when he did it. Yeah, that's right. Okay. But now it looks like Brock Lesnar may be coming back to the UFC. Didn't he just leave the UFC to go to the... WWE? Yeah, because he had that divictorilitis. Yeah. Whatever. That disease that he had. Whatever messed him up. And it seems like he's now over it, and he seems to be talking to people and being upset that now he's being seen as a fake athlete again, and that he wants to be able to go back to where it's real. And even if that means getting his ass kicked, like, at least he's in a real sport then. He'll go back. He'll get his ass kicked in the next match, and then he'll go back to the WWE. Probably. Just keep bouncing back and forth. Sure. Why not? Good for both of those companies. Yeah, there's other guys who are doing it too, like King Mo. He's now come out, and a couple guys from Strikeforce and Pride, and they're bouncing back and forth between TNA and their MMA careers. So, you know, it could work. It doesn't seem likely that it will work, but it does seem like it can work. Okay, last sports story. Last story of the day before we move on to our last section. Oh, I gotta get going. Or my last section. Yeah, your last section. I like this story. I'm not sure what the real outrage here is about, but I guess I can see why they got mad at this guy. There was an unruly father in Iowa City who was arrested and banned from all Iowa City high property after he ran onto a soccer field and grabbed his own son and pulled him out of the game because this kid had bad grades, and he didn't want... He didn't want him to participate in sports even though the school said that he is eligible, his grades are good enough. His GPA was high enough so he can play, but dad says no. That's right, but not good enough for his father. Who gives a shit if it's good enough for the school district? If it's not good enough for his father, then that should trump it anyways. Right. The father should have every right to contact the school and say, my son is not to play because I don't feel his grades are... I don't care what you say is acceptable. It's not acceptable to me, so I don't want him playing. And if they're not going to follow that, then you need to take your son off the field and off the court. Off the team. This seems like the exact opposite of a story that I did last week when you were out. There was a mom who gave her kids awards when they didn't feel like doing homework. She gave them awards? Yeah, because like, oh, that's such a great decision on your part. I respect you for making your own choices and opinions. Here's an award for being an independent thinker and for being somebody who's not going to go along with the flow of everything. Everybody else. Hippie. This is the exact opposite of this. No. This is a father who's like, sure. You know, bees aren't good enough. Get off the field. Yeah, that's right. Get the fuck off the field. Like, I don't care about you kicking that ball around. I want you to actually mean something and matter in the world. Don't you make something of yourself outside of this high school sport. Look, you're not David Beckham, you little idiot. I'm going to grab you off here and you're going to have to go and learn how to do some type of a skill that's worth something. Because the way it is right now, you got nothing. Right. You need to get your grades done. You need to get your grades up if you're going to go to college. Yeah, that's right. I like it. I think that that is the right type of parenting. I'm totally down for that. Okay, I know we're going to lose you now. You had to head off. I cannot go on. Oh, go on. You can go on. Seriously, you can go on. Oh, thank you. No problem. You're coming back tomorrow? I'll be here all day tomorrow. Because tomorrow we have who with us? David Koechner. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's awesome. And I believe our entertainment reporter will be in for at least part of it, if not the entire day. I think he'll probably be here for the whole show, is my guess. Probably. That's my guess. If he shows up on time. Yeah, look, we'll invite him for the whole thing because I like ragging on him all the time. Dude, I was on him pretty bad yesterday. Yeah. I don't even know why he wants to continue showing up. I don't get it. He's a glutton for it. Yeah, I mean, he's a glutton for everything. But I will be back tomorrow. Thanks for listening, everybody, and enjoy the last segment with Jake. Thanks. I'll be back in a couple minutes. I cannot go on. Go on. I question the existence of God and curse him and his son's name. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on. Jesus Christ. That's right. Can there be no relief from life's daily struggles for someone like me? It seems doubtful. All I need is one reason not to slice my wrists and donate my body to necrophiliacs. Ah, the old commit suicide and donate your body to the sex pervert's dilemma. We have all been there. Have we? Sure we have. I have hope for you, stranger. Let me tell you my tale. Okay. Not too long ago, long ago I was a mess. No direction in life. Casually working my way across Vegas eating dirty diapers found in one trash can or another, shooting Drano into my veins for a cheap high, masturbating with bags of thumbtacks. Bags of thumbtacks? Yes. I just needed to see if I could still feel. I heard a voice in my head. It told me to go to Los Angeles and find something really, really tall to jump off of and end my life. Splat. Was it the voice of God? Probably. Anyways, I had to give 18 BJs to hitchhike from Vegas to LA. No friends, no family, no loved ones, just me and the belief that I would end it all by killing myself by jumping off a bridge. Suicide, just like me. Except for the thumbtacks part. Yes, except for the thumbtacks. As I stood on the bridge looking down at the 300-foot plunge that would bring death, sweet relief, I heard other words flood my brain. Was it the voice of God? No, no, no. It was from a car radio speeding past me. What did you hear? I heard the voices of three friends that I knew could pull me through to happiness and fulfillment. I heard the radio show Grand Theft Audio. Grand Theft Audio radio? Yes. With the kings of internet radio, Jake, Brant and Carl. Ever since they first entered my ears, they have changed my life. I am happy now. Even though I know that not one single soul on this planet cares for me, I know that for at least a few hours a week I can pretend that I have friends. Sounds magical. And they have friends. Celebrity friends. Like Cheech and Chong. Mike Maron. Paul F. Tompkins. Wow, amazing. Bobcat Goldwaite. Brett Ernst. Matt Walsh. Russ Gutin. Wow, even Uncle Russ? Yes, even Uncle Russ. But that's not it. So many other stars too and they were always there for me to hang out with. Sounds pretty expensive. No. These men are like angels. Slutty angels. Just giving it away for free. Free? Even I can afford that? Yes, we all can. So how do I find this life-altering happiness? Go to GrandTheftAudioRadio.com and listen anytime. New shows, old shows, and how to thank them for being so generous with their jokes and companionship. I will do it. I will go to GrandTheftAudioRadio.com and start truly living today. Would you first like to try my bag of Thumptacs? No. Come on, it really makes you feel like you are alive. Pass. I think I will just go to GrandTheftAudioRadio.com and see how that works out for me. Your loss, more Thumptac loving for me. I have to go now. You are freaking me out. I understand. The world looks down on a man who can't kick his spiky metal love addiction. May Grand Theft Audio Radio be with you, my friend. May Grand Theft Audio Radio also be with you, friend. This week it will continue itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch itch audio or radio. This is a little segment that we call Jake's Headband. It's all the things that are bouncing around inside my headband. I don't know, man. It's like, I'm sleepy. I'm not even sleepy. I just started thinking to myself, like, why are naps just so awesome? naps are just about the greatest invention ever. It's like sleep, but for shorter. But naps aren't always that great. Like, when you have the time to take a nap and there's nothing else going on, you're like, I'm going to go take a nap. That sounds pretty good. I mean, sure, that's a good nap. The best type of nap is when you have something important going on and you're like, oh, I should really go out. I should go shopping or I should do some laundry or I should take some food out to have something to cook for dinner tonight or I should go feed the cat or something. Like, when you skip out of those things, your responsibilities just to be like, I better go. I'm going to go take a nap and skip out on that important stuff. That's the best nap. There's no better nap than that. The nap that inconveniences somebody else. Like, ah, you know, sure, I could go ahead and maybe fix the washing machine or take the hair out of the vacuum cleaner so I can clean this place up or something and I can make my wife happy when she gets home, but nah, I'm going to go take a nap. I don't know why. It's like, I'm on the air right now and I just feel like, I mean, I could fall asleep right now. I've got my eyes closed. This is the first time I've been in the studio alone. Usually, I mean, I came up with Brant and Carl and this other guy and all of us would be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and staring at each other like, oh, we're so ready. We're ready to do something fun and exciting and awesome, but here, I mean, there also, there'd be like some type of board operator, maybe some people out in the lobby, that type of jazz, but in this situation, like, I'm literally just all alone in some, like, high-rise in downtown LA where literally if I didn't want anyone to see me for the rest of the day, I wouldn't have to. Don't know who's showing up here today. There's no group of people who are trying to get in here in ten minutes to do their show. There's no... I don't even remember. Scintillating. Scintillating. Yeah, this is the exact type of thing that I've always... always wanted to do. Just doodle-doodle-doodle-do whatever you want to do. There's no rules. There's no, oh, what's going on today that's so important. This is just me, you know, sliding on by some time, relaxing, enjoying myself. I guess I do have a couple of things that have been in my brain for the last couple of days. I went to, uh... I went to Disneyland. Disneyland, uh, is an incredible place. If you're sad or, like, depressed or you just need a little bit of a break time to be able to do whatever you want, um, not much is better than running out to Disneyland. Uh, went out there yesterday. They have a new thing going on. Uh, the... What they've done now is Grad Night. Remember Grad Night when you were younger? Maybe you're from Los Angeles and if you graduated from any school in Southern California, um, basically, you would go to Disneyland afterwards in an event that they would call Grad Night. You would get to go in probably 10 o'clock and stay until maybe 5 or 6 a.m. And the cool thing about it was everybody from your school, like, in your class was there. Um, there was no old people there. There were no little kids there. Um, it was fairly slow, so the lines weren't very long, especially on, like, the little kiddie rides, like Alice in Wonderland or Dumbo or, like, those type of rides. They had nobody in line. You could... You could ride it multiple times in a row without having to get off. It was incredible. I mean, sure, there'd be some line at Space Mountain or the Matterhorn or Big Thunder. Like, the rides that have more of the, like, thrill-seeking element to it. Because when you're 18, you think to yourself, oh, man, I can't, uh... I can't look like a little fruity-booty pansy kid. Like, I gotta get out there and ride some of the big rides. And, uh, I'm so sure you get some lines there. But, uh, what they started, he literally... Yesterday, this is the first time that Disneyland has done this. They have started making it so Grad Night starts at the same time that the park opens in the morning. So you could go in at 9 a.m. and then you can stay until 11 p.m. and they would give you this purple wristband. And this purple wristband meant that if you had it on, you could stay in the park. If you didn't, you had to go. But it still... That just seems like it's a drag. I mean, half of your time you're spending there, it is still with, um, old people who can't walk very fast and, uh, hordes of people lining up here in summertime because it gets packed at summertime. And, uh, strollers and... It's just, um, one hassle after another. Yeah. Wait a second. Does this mean that I have a phone call that came in? Let's see how this goes. Uh, hello? Hello? It says there's someone on there. But I guess they're not. Unless they're like, are you scared of talking? Are you scared of talking on Grand Theft Audio radio? You shouldn't be. I'm not, like, a scary person. It says it's on. Maybe I have no volume coming. I don't know. Let's see what happens if I, if I drop you. Boop. Hmm. I don't know. Hmm. I don't know what was on there. Trying to call in. Uh, sorry, party people. Uh, if you do want to call back and talk, you can. Um, I imagine I got a couple minutes left here in the hour. So I apologize, but I must have clicked something wrong there. Okay, back to Grad Night. It's like, uh, that is a drag for you to have to be able to, like, share your time with, um, with all these regular people, like tourists from Japan or Brazil or wherever the fuck they're from, standing up in line and making, everything suck and see if I can try this again. Uh, you're on Grand Theft Audio Radio. Hmm. That is not working for some reason. Let's see if I try it this way. Doodle-do, doodle-do, doodle-do-do. God, that song stuck in my head. One viewing or one recording of the Chappelle show, and that's, uh, it just gets drilled deep in your brain. Oh, shit. That's, that's my homie. Um, hey, Eamon, I'm sorry, dude. I don't know why this, uh, is not going. Let me see if I can get to my main menu. Home control, generic, onlines. I don't know why it's not going, man. For that, I apologize. Sorry, I can't get you on, dude. I don't know why, why this isn't going on. I'm not having any volume. Let's see if I play this. Does this have volume? Volume. Yeah, that's got volume, so I can't tell why this is not going. Oh, well. Um, hey, Eamon, I apologize, dude, but it is, uh, not playing for some reason, so, uh, I don't know what to do on that one. If I can figure it out, I will try to. I'll try to do it while I'm, while I'm doing it. Um, back to Grad Night. Uh, here's what was awesome about it. Like, I never thought that I was going to play this. I was going to go to, like, a Grad Night again. I just didn't see that as something that was going to happen. I mean, what, I'm not going to become a teacher. I'm not going to be, like, um, some dude who, um, just luckily gets to go back to Grad Night for some reason. Um, okay, let's see if this works, man. I'm going to try to set this up. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Hey, Eamon. Dude, I don't know what happened here. Okay, I'm going to try to drop your call and see if we can come back. Okay. At least that way I will have someone to talk to. Pow. Try one more time. If it doesn't work, I'm giving up on this. I can't get this. Hey, Eamon, how you doing, man? I'm good. How are you? Not too bad. Make sure you don't take a nap on me. Dude, that was so close, man. It was so nice. It was so nice. How have you been? You still alive? Or what's going on? Yeah, I'm still... Yeah, we're still alive. You're on the air right now. It never went down when you guys were on earlier. Really? Yeah. It was live-shed the whole time. It never crashed. That's why I was like, hmm. On our end, it totally looked like we'd gone off the air. No. Everything was up and running. You guys sounded great. You never went away. Even I heard you humming away some theme songs. Yeah, that's what I'm good at doing, just randomly wasting time on some bullshit. The one cool thing you failed to mention, though, and I'll give it up for Hall & Oates, is they are the only white entertainers to ever perform at Apollo. Is that true? So you've got to give them mad props for that. That is awesome, dude. I did not know that. And I really am a huge Hall & Oates fan. I think they're great. And I can't go for that. I mean... It's basically telling you, like, that song's way ahead of its time. Like, right now, if that was an anthem, that song will be number one. Okay, what is the message they're trying to get across in it? I'm sure someone's going to try to bring it back. Now that we've put it out there, you know, Justin Bieber is going to try to do... You know, I don't go for that. Dude, if that happens, I'm going to feel so sorry. After training with Mike Tyson and then starting fights with the, you know, photographer. Oh, come on. There's no way that happened. Do you believe that he actually went out there... There and got into a physical altercation with somebody? Not with his dick watching. I don't think he would. I think it's cute. It seems very unlikely to me as well. So what's going on with tomorrow's show? Tomorrow's show, we have David Koechner from The Anchorman. And he also stars in a movie that comes out tomorrow called Piranha 3DD. And we're honored that he's coming in. The day that his movie comes out. That's pretty awesome. Awesome. What are you up to tomorrow? I was thinking about if I don't get called in for work, I was thinking about making a guest cameo. You have the invite anytime you want. You're always welcome to stop by GTA. Sweet. All right. Well, give me a holler when you wrap up there or whatnot. And your show was good, man. It was always being life-threatening. Giving you a heads up. Cool, man. I'm glad it went out. Thank you so much for letting me know. You guys kill it like always, buddy. Thanks, man. Have a good one. Thanks for listening. Bye. That's awesome, man. It's nice to be able to get a little bit of feedback and hear that things are actually going out into the world when you think you're doing nothing. Because really, I thought we'd have been knocked off the air. And I was like, man, fuck that shit. It's anger-inducing, baby. I don't know how to take calls on here. But, okay, so what I did there, I took my iPhone, set it on top of the microphone. Went to another room so I wouldn't get any feedback on it. And I went that way. So worst-case scenario, I get at least, oh, my God, I almost said a terribly racist thing there. Thank God I didn't. So if I ever run for president, I still have a chance because I didn't actually let that jump out of my mouth. Okay, as we said, or as I said, tomorrow's show is promising to be a badass one. Here's what we got for you. Here's what we got for you. We have got fresh the day that his new movie premieres called Piranha 3DD, Mr. David Koechner. I mean, David Koechner has been in.