Bad advice on threesomes, fake cancer, and listener questions

Hello, everybody. Welcome to an all-new episode of Bad Advice. I am your host, Drew Marks. If you are new to the show, I want to thank you for tuning in. If you're one of our regular listeners, thank you for your continued support. I want to thank our sponsor this week. It's adamandeve.com. Make sure to pick up some fun sex toys and things to make your life a lot more fun with your partner. You can get this kind of stuff. And here's the thing. If you, at checkout, use the word Skid Row, you will get all sorts of bonus things. You'll get three XXX DVDs, an extra special gift, free shipping, and pictures of all of us, which is nice because who wouldn't want a picture of my friend, Zach Foster, right next to you while you're using your brand-new vibrator? I would. Yes, of course. Now, I want to thank all my guests we have with us today. Sal Rodriguez, host of... Go ahead, Sal. Host, co-host of Registered Ear Offenders, which airs right here on Skid Row Studios, also on Extreme Talk XM 165 right now at 2 o'clock Pacific time. And I would like to thank whatever Latino did not show up today so I could take their place. Nice. Well, you know, Latinos are hard to find in L.A. Yeah. Okay. That dulcet voice over there belongs to Ken August, host of the weekly wrap-up, which you'll be following immediately after Bad Advice. So make sure you stay tuned. It's right after Bad Advice every Saturday from Saturday to Sunday. That would be from 3 to 4. And on Extreme XM every Sunday night at 10 o'clock Eastern. That's right. You know, Bad Advice is also on Extreme. Skid Row Studios is absolutely invading XM 165 Extreme Talk. Like herpes. Very similar, yes. Similar, yes. A little more fun, I'd like to think. Only a little. I wouldn't know. Bad Advice is... Well, you've been on Extreme XM. Are you saying you don't know herpes? No. Okay. He's more of the giver than the getty. Yeah. He's a carrier. He's not a... Well, no. I just wanted to let everyone know you can hear Bad Advice on Extreme XM 165. And we are on, what, every Saturday, 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. So if you're in California, 7. That other person, Vic Cohen, host of It's a Fair Question, every... You are Wednesday night at 10. Yes, Wednesday night at 10 p.m. Sweet. He's very serious. Have you noticed how serious he is? As I said, we also have my friend Zach Foster, very funny man. Hello. And Gray Eddie makes great chicken. Foster Farms chicken. It's my favorite. Anything with Foster does belong to me, and I created it. That's true. That's true. I like it. All right. Marie Jalpreti. Hello. I will have a new show, too, coming up on this... On Skid Row? Mm-hmm. Sweet. It's called You Don't Know Me. And I think we're going to start March 31st. So there you go. We think. Not only does she not know her, she doesn't know when. I don't know where I am, to be honest with you. And it's with your husband, right? You're hosting with your husband? Yeah, my husband. I ain't trying to hear that. No, we get to actually see him. I hear a lot about him, but I don't believe he really exists. No, he does exist, because here's the thing. Believe me, he exists. It's going to be a hand puppet. She's going to come with a hand puppet. I got a letter from him. He sent me our first story. Now, if you haven't heard Bad Advice before, what we do here is you can submit questions on any subject at all. You can usually call us live right now. We're not on live today because of some technical issues, but usually you can call us here. But you can submit your questions on the Facebook page for Bad Advice. You can also make sure you like us on Facebook. And you can subscribe for free at the iTunes store. So make sure you send in your questions. As I say, if you're unfamiliar with Bad Advice, we will answer questions on any subject at all, and we will give you just what it sounds like, some bad advice. Can we start the show off by saying happy birthday to Vic? I know, I was going to say. Yay! That's right. I figured if I don't acknowledge it soon, he's going to keep sucking off that knife and just freaking me out. Vic brought his own birthday cake. It says happy birthday to me. I like it. But it's a delicious cake. Is this cake from you? Yeah. Oh my God. We weren't getting him shit. I brought chocolates. I knew I couldn't count on you guys. And by the way, Marie said she brought chocolates because she failed to bring in the chicken parm that she promised us. Yeah. We all showed up with knives and forks and nothing. I didn't eat before the show. I'm like, that's it. She's blowing us off. That's right. Last week, Marie promised that she would prove that she actually is a good cook. I know. And she's completely failed us. I didn't. And I wasn't very confident, so I brought ketchup. Oh, man. That was... You'll have to listen to last week's show, which you can get at the iTunes store. All right, listen. We're going to get started here, but happy birthday, Vic. Thank you. Happy birthday, Vic. I can't think of five other people I'd want. Well, yeah, I can. Never mind. Pretty much any five. Any five will do. All right. But Marie's husband sent us this story. All right. This is brilliant. It's great. It says, man stabbed after refusing to change positions during a threesome. Yeah. It says, apparently a menage a trois took a wrong turn. For Ashley... Hunter, age 33 in Orlando, DeWitt, 37 in Fargo, North Dakota last week. According to records, Hunter allegedly pulled a butcher knife from the couch and stabbed DeWitt in the arm after DeWitt refused to switch positions and let Hunter have sex with the female participant. It says, DeWitt and Hunter were partying with several female acquaintances Friday night at a bar when they went to Hunter's home to continue the party with a woman named Letitia. Once there, DeWitt had sex with a woman while she performed oral sex on Hunter. Hmm. DeWitt was then asked to switch places with Orlando, and that's when things went wrong. Orlando told him no, and then Hunter became upset. An argument followed with DeWitt allegedly calling Hunter a fucking retard. It's politically incorrect as well. It's not very nice. Yeah. It's not. Well, I just feel like maybe, you know, who was it that wanted to get in there? Hunter? No, no. Hunter was the one who stabbed. And you don't mess with somebody named Hunter. That's their fucking name is Hunter. Yes. Hunter pulled the butcher knife, but apparently... Okay, if we get this right, because we want to have the positions right. It says... Is there a picture? No. No picture. I wish. No, but they are black. I looked it up. Well. What does that got to do with anything, Marie? I don't know. What do you want to see in pictures? I've seen Do the Right Thing. Italians are racist against blacks. Wait a minute. So what do you say, Marie? The fact that they're black, does that have something to do with the fact of the stabbing or the threesome? Because here's the thing. If it's the threesome, then I want to be black. It's not usually in their genetic makeup to want to do something like that. Their genetic makeup. And they also have big thighs like Jimmy the Greek said, right? No, they're just more conservative. I think they're more conservative black men. I know. I know. Because I can't believe I'm upset already. I don't think it's what you're saying. I think it's everything after the word they, Marie. That's fucking you up. Those people. That's not what I mean. I just can't imagine a black man wanting to double dip. You know what I mean? And I think that that's what Hunter got pissed about. I'm not categorizing people. But here's how all black people feel. That's what I'm happy about is that Marie is the only female on this little group here so that there's no way I can be mistaken. Well, I just want to, okay, but to paint the picture clearly, what happened here was, we know. Yeah, do we need a picture? You got to throw some of this stabbing. No, I'm saying who was having who? Well, Hunter was having like sex with her and the other guy was doing like orals. Was getting oral sex from her, right? Bottom line is. Yeah, the couple was having sex. Marie doesn't know anything about a threesome with black people. She doesn't know anything about that. I will say this. There's no way that this was. Because the woman was, okay, the woman, Letitia, was going down on Hunter. Okay. Hang on, let me get my pants off. And he was having, and DeWitt, who was the guy, was having sex with the one. Yeah, who gives a shit about the position? It doesn't matter. I don't care. Somebody stabs somebody else in a threesome. At no point in time. Right. I want to. I want to focus on the happy part of the story. I think it's because it's just not like them to have threesomes in black men. I like she won't back down. If you're going to talk about unusual race things, it's black men in North Dakota. Yeah, exactly. You got a good point. That is the point. Here's something, though, that I think is true, and Marie would probably, her stereotypical self would agree with this. Black men are known for very large organs. Okay. If a woman. Hearts? If a woman is with a black man. Yeah, they don't need to share. That's kind of like having a threesome already. Right? I mean, he's got enough for two. We're ignoring the obvious. At no point in time can you assume that this was not planned. There was a fucking butcher knife hidden in the couch. How are we ignoring the fact that Hunter. Well, no, Marie will tell you all black people have butcher knives in couches. It's what they do. They just get out of prison, these two, though. Yeah. Also, the other thing is, this is why, first of all, I've never been in a threesome, and this is why. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? part of the story or did Marie just add that in because they're black? No, no, it's true. No, she probably added that in. She just assumed. My husband found this story so I read it beforehand. Because if they were Jewish, they would have bought the woman. So you had time for this news article to marinate in your brain and then still say it. I really didn't think about it. I still say the awful things I said. Well, I mean, I feel like white men are more kinky. That's why I'm saying that. And so I would see them Oh, I wish we had a black guy here because he would be like, I'll get freaky with a bitch. We would have had one if you would have invited one three weeks ago. That's true. They would have made it on time. Let's welcome Marie Del Prete straight from Bensonhurst. Why am I being called a racist? Because your comments are racist. Why? Listen to the show later. Marie, listen to the show later. I don't really care. Listen to the playback. I can say whatever the fuck I want. I'm a woman. Wow. Listen to that. I'm not racist. My vagina is. I don't care. We've suffered. He is eating chocolate cake though. So that means something. I like chocolate. What I was going to say is threesomes can cause problems because I was in a threesome but here's the thing. The reason I was in the threesome is there were the two girls that we met in the bar and one was really hot and the other one not so much. The other one was assigned to a... But I had to agree to the threesome so I could do the hot one but once we were back at my house and in bed, I'm like only really having sex with the hot one. The other one's like, what about me? I'm like, I'm sorry. Did you say something? It's true. Shut up and get back in the corner. But because I'm not black, there was not a knife in my bag. True. True. I mean, you know, but threesomes are hard for the other person because somebody always feels neglected, you know? Like when I had one with my husband, he was upset because he was locked in the closet. I've never been in a threesome but I have seen human centipedes so that's pretty close. That's horrible. What does that mean? If you're going to do it, have you seen the movie? You don't want to know what that means. You should watch the movie. Here's my bottom line with this whole thing. Sex is overrated. Oh. It is. It is. This is birthday Vic. No, I'm telling you, it really is. He's a downer. Everyone's always bitter when they don't get something and then they're like, it sucks. This is what I've come up with and you know when you've always wanted to meet your hero, whoever that is, and then you meet him and it's always a little bit disappointing. I was disappointing to you? Yeah. Yes. And continue to be. That is sex. It never lives up to what you think it's going to be. Is this birthday the one that just sent you over the edge where now you're too old to get laid? Is that what just happened? You can get laid. Because a week ago you were making love with your face with everybody. No, I used to think sex was great and I realized that I need something bigger and I don't know what it is. It's called the larger heaviness. It's called the black man. I don't mean like that. Vic just joined Landmark Forum. This is the new Vic. Is that why you're constantly shoving things up your ass and like doing weird stuff? First of all, I'm not constantly doing that. What constitutes constantly exactly? I was 10 years old. I was 10 years old and I was experimenting. I was a kid. I was 10, 12. I don't know. I want to know what that felt like. You were not 10 years old last Thursday. All right. Well, here's this. Okay, we'll move on to the next story because this, this also has sex but there's, there's a sad part to this. Oh. It says, Oh, Marie's already sad. Jennifer Dempsey, age 35, allegedly told cops that she couldn't have had sex with underage boys. She was much too ill from the chemotherapy she was undergoing to treat her cancer. Now, that would have been a great alibi for someone who actually had cancer. Black people normally don't fake cancer. That was Sal Rodriguez. You guys are never really me a lot, man. Okay, let me finish. It says, police say that Dempsey not only posed as a 16-year-old girl on Facebook to lure two boys aged 14 and 16 into sex acts, but she also faked having cancer for the last five years. Going so far is to shave her head and tape a fake chemotherapy port to her chest. Her family and neighbors all believed the act. They said she wore a tube all the time. Hmm. You got to give it up to her. That's kind of gangster. That's commitment. You know what I mean? It says she also allegedly faked being pregnant telling both of her victims that she was with child. I wonder if she ever faked an orgasm. But how is that... You know, I don't think she did. I mean, she probably had no faking left in her. I feel like you're being a little judgmental. Everybody has hobbies. I don't know. But how is that sexy to a guy? Like, you know, I have cancer and sex with me. When I'm 16, when I'm 16, I would make love to a tree stump. I wouldn't care. The person could be dying. Would or did. It could be their last birth. My thing is the first guy to get rejected by a tree stump. The tree stump's like, no. Here's the thing. There is a picture of her. She looks like a tranny. I thought I was going to say she looks pretty good. Well, no. She looks like an attractive tranny. Wait, let me see her. That's such an icing on. You guys have no... First of all, Sal, that was a fine adjustment. She looks like a tranny. I didn't think so. Oh, she's an attractive tranny. You know, the other thing is in a way, I give my hats off to the teens because they were very good about, you know, there's a lot of discrimination against the sick and the infirmed, you know, and these kids went for it. They deserve sex too. Just because you're dying of a disease doesn't mean you don't deserve to get laid. So my hat's off to the kids. See, my advice is, Jennifer, whatever you're doing, you're doing right because if you're 35 and you could get, you know, pose as a 16-year-old on Facebook. A 16-year-old. See, I go with my advice is you're trying too hard. Do you have to fake an illness in order to have a kid online fucking play with himself? Do you have to fake all you have to do is pretend. No, she had sex with him. They weren't playing with themselves. She had sex with them. Okay, you know what? Let me slightly adjust my statement to the exact same thing but with sex involved. All you have to do is have a vagina. You don't have to be like, oh, you know what? Let me shave my head in the meantime. That's true. Really? You guys would have sex with anything? If I were, yeah, I try to fuck. At 14 and 16? I try to fuck our cleaning lady. I fucked Zach right before the show. I would fake leprosy to bonus 16 year old. Also an attractive tranny. You are fine looking tranny. No, I'm just kidding. Drew, I try to make love to our European like 60 something year old cleaning lady when I was a teenager. Butler. Sven. Hold on, Zach had a point. I was just going to say that that was very hurtful. I'm sorry. And yeah, I love you though. Okay, see, but that's got a sexual component all of a sudden. Because he didn't follow it with man. What is going on here? He didn't say I love you man. I guess. What if I said I had cancer? We can hook up after this. Well, Vic has no hair so you can kind of pass. He's got a lot of chest hair. That's not chest hair, that's back hair. Come forward. You guys can laugh but women love it. I think if there's any advice, if there's any advice, it's for the kids. It's like, listen, if you're going to sleep with a woman, you know, who's older, leave the bald one alone. No, I say, with the tube in her chest. No, my advice to the kids is good for you. Good job. Good job. And also, there are probably some porn sites you can visit about this kind of thing too if you're really into it. I'm guessing. I've never been. You know, like disease porn. Yeah, I'm sure that exists. Yeah. Again, just because you can do something does not mean you should. I don't think this needs advice because she, I mean, she was really a gangster. I mean, like, I don't know what to, Maybe she was just a good actress. Yeah. She commits. Like, who's the guy, Daniel Day-Lewis just played Lincoln? Yeah. They say he becomes the character. He got shot in the head and everything. So, it's, Well, these kids probably shot her in the head. He owned it. But it wasn't with a gun. Yeah. Well, she doesn't look 16. I'm sorry. That's why she shaved her head and said, I'm sick. Maybe that's why she had to pretend I'm sick. She's like, dude, you're 35. No, no, no. But the tube takes 10 years off your life. You know what bothers me about this and I just realized it? You just found something to hate about this? This is the new Vic now again, coming back. This is what bothers me. An older, wiser Vic. To catch a predator was always about a guy going in to hook up with a girl. Why were there never any women? Yeah. That pisses me off. Yeah, and it would have been so much more exciting to watch the cops tackle her when she walked out of the house. It's just so typical. I'd have watched for that. But she would have been like, I was just seeing if he would do my laundry. Like, I don't, you know, because she would always do laundry, that girl. Anybody watch this? I'm making lemonade and doing laundry. No, iced tea, sweet iced tea. Sweet tea. Vic knows it too well. So do I. He studies it to know what he can get away with. No, no, I've memorized it. Like, people memorize feature films. Vic is the originator of the line, oh shit, I fell for this a third time. One of the guys actually said to the police that he just came for the cookies. I drove five hours for the cookies. They go well with beer. There was one guy busted three times in a row and the last time he was meeting the girl at McDonald's. On the same show? Yeah. He's in syndication now. That's awesome. After the first two, it just doesn't catch on. But I want to remind our listeners, you are hearing us on Extreme Talk XM 165. Make sure you subscribe to Bad Advice at the iTunes store. And if you want to submit a question or usually talks to us live, that you have to listen to us on our regular time Saturdays at two at skidrowstudios.com. Our next story, this one, Marie, you're a mother, so you can. Or so. So she says, I've never seen kids. You were given birth apparently. I didn't say good. Okay. But it says, a Wrightsville, Georgia dollar store clerk allegedly spanked a misbehaving boy with her belt. The only problem, it wasn't her child. Or her belt. It says, Amelia Graciela Bell, 39, was charged with simple battery on Thursday for whipping an eight-year-old who's named Logan Ivy on the back as many as 25 times because he threw a cookie at her. It says, the eight-year-old said that he was running around the store when Bell tried to stop him and began calling him a demon. Ivy responded with, oh yeah, I'll show you bad before throwing a cookie at her. Bell then chased him behind a counter and allegedly began striking him with her belt. Okay, now I'm pissed off. Because you know what? If you throw a cookie at somebody, that is assault and this kid should be arrested. Where was the actual mother? The kid got to run around, throw a cookie, and get his ass whipped and still the mother was nowhere to be found. How do you get 25 shots in before the mother comes in? Because you know what? They literally probably went to the store just to fucking get rid of the kid for a second, you know? And she's probably like, oh, I can think, you know? Marie, based on the story, are any of these characters black? Did anybody get stabbed with a butcher knife? How old is this kid? Eight. Eight. Eight-year-old. Who was counting the strikes? Yeah, but kids are dicks. Von, von whipping. Two, two whipping. No, I'm guessing the kid was into it so there must have been like, one, thank you, can I have another? Two. No. The kids are dicks, you know what I mean? Like, I love kids, but like they are. Two is a very loving term. No, I don't hit my kid, but like, okay, but then, but okay, can other people? No, no other people can't. I mean, obviously, like the mother should have cracked her in the mouth, but like, you know, I could see. My advice is to the person with the belt, you saved 25 of those, 14 of those should have gone at the mother. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You hit the kid 10 times and then go, now look what I'm gonna do to your fucking mother. I would say there are two sides to every story, so we don't know. The other side was hit the mother. We don't know, we have fucking news articles, Vic, that's what we're going by. There are some details that should be explored in this story. For example, this kid had a cookie. Maybe he did something very good, got rewarded, and then this lady comes in, starts criticizing him when he's on a high, he comes down to a low and is like, you know what, I don't even want my reward cookie, chucks it at her and then gets beat up. That's true. It's a tragic childhood. Could have been a trophy. Could have been a trophy, would have been a lot worse. I like how much detail, you know, Zach added to that story. Zach might have been the kid in that story. You gotta flesh it out. You know what, he's probably autistic. The kid's probably autistic or has Asperger's. Why do you have to go after those kids? I don't understand what that has to do with anything. When I was a kid, I impersonated, I impersonated an autistic kid to get laid. You should have been hit with the bell. I don't even know what to say. How does that work? And now he impersonates a retarded man to get laid. I don't think he's impersonating, let's just say that. How's that working? You guys didn't pick on last week's Latino. Why do you pick on this week's Latino? Yeah, but we liked him. We did, he didn't understand us. No, he did tell us he had cancer. Growing up, my mom was really into spanking. Really? I didn't want to spank her at first. No, I never spanked her. Yeah, we used to get the shit kicked out of us. Not hard. We used to get beaten up like trash. Yeah. And we would destroy everything. We just, we didn't learn anything from him. You know who else hits their kids? Fucking white people. I'm so against it. I would never hit a kid. We were never spanked. But here's the thing, I think, and I was not a good kid. Did you spank? Did you spank? Did you spank? Did you spank? I don't know. I thought you said the Jews spank? I thought, yeah, I thought you had all Mexican on you. I thought, the Jews spank me? Jews? Sal, we're just like everyone else. We don't have horns. Are you? We hire others to spank. There are a lot of Jews in here today, huh? No, no. Are you Jewish? I mean, I don't know what's better to answer. He impersonates a Jew to get laid. No, his name is Foster. We're the only like, you know, I don't know, off-white colored people. I will answer it this way. Jews, Jews do spank, but they do kind of negotiate how many they're going to get. I believe they call that doing it down. Ah! It's like, it's a dollar for every whack. That is so insulting and Sal, stop clapping. You get a choice. That was me clapping. Look, look, as a Latino, Latinos spank, period. Fine, but 100%? Like 90%. Spank, punch, what's the difference? Slap, spank, they throw the, they throw the sandal at each, you know, they do it. It never ends, right? It's not just as a kid. My mom slapped me when I was 18. She fucking slapped me when I was 18. I said, mom, do not ever, ever do that again and she never did for at least a couple years. Well, the Jews can opt out of the spanking. They can take guilt. They can take like three years of guilt instead of 10 hits, I believe. Nice. It was a nice deal. Can we get off the Jews for a while and just move on? All right, well, let's move on to the next story. This one, the headline of this one is, man throws semen at women in New Mexico Walmart. Says, cops in Farmington, New Mexico are on the hunt for a man they said that threw, I like this, they said he either threw or ejaculated semen onto at least two women. We think he's been doing this since at least 2010 and he may not have stopped. These are just the only women that have come forward. Come forward? Yeah, you knew that. This happened to me when I was younger. Are those people? Yeah, not in a store, but like, in your face, in the back of a car. In a studio. There was this guy, like, we would always walk past this cemetery and me and my girlfriends and I was like 15 and this guy, and of course, we were in our Catholic school uniform, so I think he waited for all the Catholic school uniforms. Zach's pants are down again. I would have been guilty already. I just. And like, one day, like, we're walking past and I'm like, what is that stuff coming out that window? And he was just, literally, his window was open and he was just jacking off and having it fly out the window. I was just like, and we were just like, what is that? And like, we almost got close enough to get hit and then, we're like, oh my God, it's coming out of his penis. He didn't say penis. We did say penis. Did you just make up the end part of that story? Were you like, was it a water balloon? No, it was him. This guy was hanging his dick out the window? No, well, he was pretty big, I have to say. Was he black? No, he was white. Well, you were small. Anything looks big on your small. And he worked at the gas station because he had a gas station uniform on, you know, those overalls. So was it 89 or 87 octane? I don't know. Was it unleaded? It was definitely unleaded, but we went back a couple of, because we would take that route. Where is he? I can't find him. You know, teenage girls are interested in that too. They're curious. Where? He was there every freaking time. I don't know, he must have waited when kids got out of school to do that. And no one ever reported this. Oh, look, there he is. He kept coming back. It's Stanley. Aw, he's so happy. Let's go past First Street. I like Leaky on the seventh floor. I like, I mean, we just laugh at him and point our finger at him and walk by. Okay, in this story though, how, how do you, they're not sure whether he is ejaculating or throwing. I mean, this was at Walmart, right? I was like, oh, are those price drops? No, cum drops. You mean like a monkey throws its feces? He was throwing his skin? I mean like, but there's a, you could throw it and I could understand getting it on someone, but just, you would be sure if someone was ejaculating onto you. I mean, you got to get kind of close. Maybe he was an artist. You know what I mean? And it's a part of his experience. Oh, like that, who's that one? He throws his cum at the, at the canvas? Like a Jackson Pollock. Throwing it. How chunky is your cum? Are you jerking off in a freezer? I don't understand what's going on. Maybe. How are you throwing it? It's cottage cum. If it was in your hand, I'm saying fling it, throw it, whatever, as opposed to if you were just jerking off and I, you know, it's like, you got to get pretty damn close to that person. I don't know how far you're shooting, but. I'm shooting pretty far, dude. Nobody in this room is safe at all. Seriously, you should all dress like this is a Gallagher concert. I still think there are two sides to every story in this. I agree. I'd love to hear his side. Really? Maybe, yeah, like free samples. Maybe he thought like, I don't know. Do they get free samples at Walmart? At Costco. Okay. Costco, they get free cum samples at Costco. It's the white dot special. They had the white dot special. Wow. These people are all disturbed. I've never, that is something I can say, profanely, I can say I've never done. What? Yet. You've never done that in public? No, I don't masturbate. That's only because you don't shop at Walmart. No, it's only because he doesn't think anything is public. He masturbates all the time. I mean, that's very illegal. Very illegal. You've never done it over your balcony of your house? No. He can't reach over the balcony. That's funny. It's his birthday. We have a nice room. I did get pleasured once in a restaurant, you know, under a booth with the girl's hand. Were you fully standing or did she go under the booth? No, no, he didn't say there was a girl, just the girl's hand. That's all it was. Did you have an orgasm? Yeah. Yeah, you see. Wait, what did you do with it then? Yeah, it went all over your pants. I didn't do anything with it. It was like gum stuck to the bottom of the table. He threw it at a guy in Walmart. I wasn't in charge of cleanup in the restaurant. What did she wrap like a napkin under you, like a baby or something? Can I get a to-go cup? I don't really want to get too much into detail because it bothers me. Hey, Gus, I'm about to ruin your favorite dessert. They made their own creme brulee. Tapioca pudding. Thank you. You'll never have another one without thinking of me. No, I'll still eat creme brulee, but I will be grossed out. It was a really nice restaurant and we had like the tablecloth over us and there was a couple like three feet from us and I was making fun of them that they were just holding hands. Like I was really, it was weird. I was in a weird space that night. Like, you know, here I am. That night, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like look at them, they barely know each other and she's like, like I said, pleasuring me the whole time under the table as waitresses are coming by bringing bread and... Asking you questions and stuff? So it's entirely possible at the moment that you ejaculated, you might have been looking at a waiter. I say more than likely. So then when you got out of prison, did you go back to the restaurant or no? There was no prison involved. What? He's not black. That's the last time I ate at Subway. Oh, all right. What kind of tablecloth did Subway have? He did say it was a fancy restaurant. Okay, as long as it, you know, the candle. That's what I'm thinking. You know, I get wax. All right, our next story. This one says, have we helped anyone yet? No, in the questions. Right now, we're more, we're commenting. Okay, all right. I'm here to help, Drew. This show feels very weird today, but okay, all right. Don't jerk off. There's your, there's the, no, don't jerk off more in public. Yeah, no, no, masturbate at Target. Masturbate at Target because you have a Target. Oh, I was going to say, get a better job so you don't have to shop at Walmart. I would say, pick a better place, like a little more high class, like Saks Fifth Avenue. I think it was a social statement. Like he was, he was angry about how Walmart treats its employees. Or a comment on overpopulation in Walmart. He's like, here's your babies. No, I just think he took the job as Walmart greeter one step too far. He's a guy who loved his job. Welcome to Walmart. All right, well, our next one, this is a quick story. It says, woman attacks boyfriend after catching him masturbating. Same guy. At Walmart. Yeah, he was having a little me time in the shower. Apparently, this pissed his woman off because she kicked in the shower door, smashed a large television and attacked her partner and then proceeded to attack her partner's mother when the mother tried to phone police. Marie, black or not black? Latino. Whoa. Today's episode of Marie, black or not black? She's right, Ortiz. Oh. Nice. Why didn't you start listening to me? I know everything. She does know. I'm not that close to listening to you. I don't even know what the problem was there. She didn't want her guy masturbating. That's what I did to my husband. Think about this. You would have been dead years ago. Years. Years. I actually, I want to tell you one of the reasons I broke up with my marriage was that she got really pissed. Because she wasn't real? No, because she would get very upset when I'd pleasure myself in bed next to her. She'd always constantly say like, stop shaking the bed. Stop shaking the bed. I mean, it's like. And it wasn't the bed you were shaking. That was circumstantial. No, and I would be on lockdown. I mean, I got it down where I was barely moving and she'd be like, I can feel it. I can feel it. And she was always right? Okay. So tiny. Yeah, he had his fingers like pressed together. That's because she's just like, well, when are you going to have sex with me? Every second it's by yourself over there in the corner. No, I'm inside now. I'm like, I'm not shaking the bed. She's like, you're shaking the bed. I'm not shaking the bed. I'm not. Now we're trying to start a fire. You got a lot of problems. No, it was a real, because I think a guy should be able to do whatever he wants with his penis. No, I'm not a. Whatever he wants. I'm not a psychiatrist, but your marriage sucked. Were you married? Yeah, three years and eight months. And most of that time I was trying to pleasure myself in bed. Wow. Because she wouldn't have sex with you? I got tired of it. You should have gone to Walmart. A lot of people jerk off. If you don't have sex with her and then you sit there and jack off and you deserve to get your head cracked open. No, but she wasn't upset about that. Hey, Marie, stop talking. You're ruining this masturbation session. I'm not doing that. Just look for it and stop talking. She was upset because the bed was shaking and it infuriated me. Yeah, that could be annoying. Because it's not her business. It's not her business. You need to get one of those tempurpedics. Yeah, invest in a mattress. Yeah, you ever see one where like one side can jump up and down and the wine doesn't spill? Sleep a different number. They call it masturbation mattresses. Are your mattresses? You needed to get a larger, more comfortable bed and then throw the bitch out anyway. That's what you need to do. For this story though, this is another example of both sides. Like, okay, you should attack somebody. But she's letting him have a TV in the shower. Like, she's doing so much for this guy and then he's just pounding it out. I don't think when you throw a TV at someone in the shower that that counts as having a TV in the shower. Eventually it does. It absolutely does. I don't think it's a lethal weapon because, you know, she was justified in my opinion. Really? You're not allowed to? What? Mr. Del Preti is not allowed to masturbate? He's not allowed to do anything I don't tell him to do. Wow. That's how it works. Because he don't know you. I got news for you. He listens to this show and pleasures himself. Drew, when he sent you, when he sent you. You know why? Because Zach's on. Because, that's right. Zach is sexist. Drew, the only reason he sent you that article at the beginning was because on the back of that article it says, help me. It was about knives. Marie, you're married. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I'm reminding you, your husband, if he were to pleasure himself in bed, how do you handle that? You mean if I'm sitting right there? He handles it, obviously. No, he don't handle nothing. Really? No, fuck that. He's not even allowed to touch myself. Wait a minute, let's say he, and then we're going to finish this line of conversation. This is upsetting. We're questioning and then we'll move on to the questions, but if he was doing this, would you be like, listen, that's my job, I'll take over? No. What I would say is like, you wait until I tell you because you got to be all revved up for me. Like, I'm not going to like, why do I want him to burn out his engine so he's got nothing left for me? Give it all to me. I am both turned on and I fucking hate you right now. Marie, Marie, be honest with me. I want you to be honest today. When was the last time you and your husband had sex? When was the last time? This morning. Are you serious? Yeah. I like you again. Marie Del Prete. Yeah, you have that glow today and you're eating saltine crackers. Are you on top? Ironically, this is the only day you show up. Stop it. We're not on your show. It's a fair question. That's, that's, that's when, listen, just be happy that for your birthday they had sex. All right. This is for you. This is for Vic. You should have brought them a cake. All right. I want to remind everyone you are listening to us both on skidrowstudios.com as well as Extreme Talk XM channel 165. Make sure you subscribe to Bad Advice at the iTunes store and like us on Facebook. You can also, if you want to follow us on Twitter, we have a lot of funny stuff on there. It's Drew's Bad Advice. It's time for our listener questions. Woo! Yay! You can submit those on the website or through Twitter at Drew's Bad Advice. Our first one comes to us. This is from Mitch in Pompano Beach. He wrote in and said, how can I get my wife to do a striptease for me? I think it would be really hot. Mmm. I tried to do that once. You tried to get his wife to do a striptease? No. I tried to do a striptease. We went to Vegas and we went to a strip club and we got totally trashed because they get you trashed at those places. And then... It was like amateur night? It was amateur night too and some chick like was so embarrassing. She couldn't get her jeans off and they were so tight and she looked pathetic. But anyway, so we got back to the hotel and I was so hammy and I was like, I can do it. And then literally like I'm taking my clothes off and I slide against the wall and I fall asleep with my shirt wrapped around my head and you passed out. That's no striptease. That's just you fucking passing out drunk. Yeah, look at me. Yeah, slowly falling is not really a striptease. First of all, this guy, what's his name, Mitch? I don't want to sound like... I don't want to take your gig here but Mitch, first of all, he can just marry a stripper. That's the first thing you can do. It's not a bad idea. And what was that? He's already married. He's just... He thinks he would like to see his wife do a striptease. He's just... How can you get her to do it? The movie Taken. I think a little bit of heroin and maybe put your wife up for auction. I'm pretty sure of that. Maybe that movie wasn't true. Or he should get her strip classes. There's classes all the time on how to strip. Well, that's a good... Here's the thing. On a show, bad advice? Thank you. That's a good idea. Sorry, it's a good advice. It's not a bad advice. No, here's what you do, Mitch. You just wave a single dollar bill in her face. Yes, and give her a line of cocaine. Yeah, exactly. It's like, hey, you need this to get crack You could set her on fire and then she'll want to rip the clothes off or put itching powder if you don't want to crack. That's a really great advice. That's a slow, sexy dance. It's time to play Marie's Stereotype this person. That's like, oh, look at the stripper with the club foot. That's sexy. You go to adamandeve.com. Oh, and use the checkout word skid row and you get her some of that sexy lingerie. Yeah, and a pole. You can order a pole on there? Yeah. That's a Polish person. An Austrian, a pole, a Ukrainian, whatever you want. First of all, what's this guy's name? Mitch. Mitch, what you need to be doing is you need to dump her or just go to strip clubs. Fuck her if she doesn't want to do it. Or, I have an idea. It's more exciting to see strangers. Maybe Mitch asks her to. Yeah, I like that. We don't even know what he wants to do. No, no, no. Stupid Zach. Nobody wants to talk to their wife. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I apologize. This may actually work. I hate to say it, but you put up like 70 stripper poles between the front door and the back door and the end of the room and then just play music and watch her have to weave around in the balls. Pour some sugar on me. Just dance, bitch, every time she cuts through the room. It's nice. And then just masturbate in bed like Vic. I think that he should take her to a strip club and have her sit there and go, wow, she's really good. You couldn't do that. Well, she's really good. He couldn't do that either. And then she punches him in the face. And then she passes out against the wall with her shirt halfway off. I'm hoping that he gets punched in the face. So that's what I'm telling him to do. All right. Well, I'm glad we helped Mitch. All right, next one. This one, it doesn't say where he's from, but he wrote in and said, I have friends who are always inviting me over for dinner. I like them, but their house is disgusting. I don't even like using their dishes when I'm there. Fucking gross. Do I say anything? Yeah. His name's Murphy. Call them animals and get the fuck out of there. I've been in situations like this. It's difficult. It's hard. Have you ever had friends like that? Yeah, last time I was at your house. Stop it. You know that's not true. Everyone who knows me knows I'm a neat freak. I have a buddy who's got a couple of dogs. They're sweethearts, but there is fucking dog hair. Like if I stayed there one time. Well, that could be my house. I stayed there one time and I took a shower and by the time I walked from the shower to my room, I looked like I was wearing fucking Ugg boots. I was just like everything. Every time they make a meal and you're like, oh, this meal's reached puberty. Oh, no, that's dog hair. It's the grossest fucking thing. So yeah, you're going to have to end the friendship. I don't want to overstate it, but you end the friendship. I don't go over their house. I mean, like I can't. It makes me physically ill to be in an environment where there's food and it's disgusting. Since this show is called Bad Advice, what's the guy's name? Murphy. Murphy, you should shit yourself before you come in the house and become such a revolting guest that you're never invited back. Or take the poop with you, put it beside you so that the meal looks better compared to the poop. Nice. There you go. Travel bag of shit. That's nice. Nice. All right. Hide a knife in the couch. Drew, you hate the idea of a travel bag of shit. I hate anything poop related when it comes to a joke. Yes. Awesome. We know this about you. I do not like poop jokes. You don't like poopy? I do not like fart jokes. Do you do poopy? If I made a joke about a Jewish shit. What is wrong with you, Marie? That is awesome. That was her own. Dr. Pepper. Wait, lean this way again, Marie. Lean this way again. No. Come on. I know what you're doing. I'm not doing anything. No. Put your head in my lap. No. It's nothing. It's Vic's birthday. Come on. Yeah, give him a dance. Next question. Give Vic a dance for his birthday. We do not have that kind of time. All right. Listen, next question. Daniela wrote and said, I've been dating this new guy for just over two weeks. My sister is getting married next week and I want to know if it's too soon to bring him to the wedding and meet the family. Yeah. What? She's just been dating this guy for two weeks. Uh-huh. Is he black? You know, most people get stupid when they don't get laid. You got laid and you lost your mind. He fucked her brains out. Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Hey. We got to put Marie on a no sex. I don't know why I'm like the fucking target today. You were this morning. Well, because today usually you're like really you're smart and beautiful. Today you're like a retarded racist. I'll take that. Just say yes or no. Yes or no, Marie, because I am curious. Don't ask me another question because he'll beat the shit out of you. No, no, no. Please. Love everything about you. Yes or no. Yes or no. Because we're like family here. Yeah, right. Is there sperm in you right now? No, stop it. That's a fair question. That's a fair question. This is not your question. This is your show. I have a feeling that there's probably more sperm in you. Ah. Thank you. That's disgusting and we're not going there. Is that a yes? No. I don't know whether to continue masturbating or not. No, never again. That was a fair question. Marie drips down the aisle at Walmart. Yeah, she's the one throwing it. Okay, listen. What do I do? Stop it. Back to Daniela. She said she's been dating this guy for two weeks and her sister's getting married. She just wants to know if it's too soon to bring this guy to the wedding. I mean, yeah, because you know why? Weddings are expensive so don't bring your fucking loser to the wedding yet. Who said he's a loser? Hell yeah. How long do you have to date him before he's not a fucking loser anymore? First of all, I'll handle this one. It's like, Daniela, listen. You don't invite him because if you, especially if you want to keep going out with him because if this guy, as soon as you go, oh, my sister's getting married and I want to bring you to the wedding, he is immediately going, I am breaking up with this bitch. Weddings are too much pressure. What guy wants to go to a wedding? No guy wants to go to a wedding. I like weddings. I like weddings. Is there an open bar? Yes, but you're like, because no one will marry you so you're just like, You're half man, half wombat female. Marie, that is so not true and you know, if you were single and hadn't chosen to marry this gentleman, there would be a chance that you and I could have a future. Marie, if you like slightly offensive ugly people, you'd be fine. If that meteor that landed in Russia was aimed directly at her house, he would not call you. No, that's not true. I'd go with the meteor. No, the truth is that, the truth is Marie is very attractive to me. Yeah. Is that the truth? It is. It is the truth. I see it. That's why she has to sit over here and not where Zach would be sitting. I can feel it. Yeah. I'm bearing witness. There's a lot of heat. There's things happening. There's a lot of heat between us but we're respectful. She's married and we can't act on this. My advice would be for long enough for the table. My advice would be for Vic and I would be learned what attracted means. She even brought me chocolate. I did. I brought him chocolate for his birthday. You brought him chocolate. I didn't know it was his birthday. That's because she heard chocolate kills dogs. The woman has a crush on me. Let's just put it out there. She brought you chocolate because there was no fucking way she was making chicken parm for you. That's why she got you chocolate. Whatever happened. I didn't tell you what was in the chocolate. Okay. Well, our next question. This one is great. We should have gotten to this last week but I didn't have time. Okay. So, it's a couple days late but I feel bad. Stan in Milwaukee had written in and I'm curious how this went. He said, Valentine's Day is coming. My wife asked me what I want. What I wanted to do for Valentine's. I said I wanted to, quote, bang her up the ass. She cried and ran to her mother's. Advice, please. Oh, man. Word choice is important. Thank you. That's romantic the way he said it. I know, but some women don't like romance. It's true. Here's the problem. Women say, tell me what you're thinking. This guy does and now he's screwed. Yeah. No, he's not screwed. Yeah. My advice is for the women. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. If he would have fucked you in the ass before, before he said it, she would have had a hard time running. That would have been the thing. Yes, but she still would have been crying. That is true. She should have let him and then did poopy on him. That's what she should have done. How do you feel about that, Drew? Again, I hate that. And yet, I'm tremendously aroused. It happened to my friend Kathleen when she was younger. Yeah. She intentionally pooped on somebody? Well, I don't know because, you know, she didn't want to do it. How much does that cost? I don't know. It's fantastic. Here's what I say. Here's what I say to you, Jill. Um, what's her name? Jill. I don't remember. You rule, Mitch. The names don't matter anymore. No, I take care. Stan. Stan? Stan in Milwaukee. Stan, what I suggest is if the, now the mother-in-law's in on this. She knows what's going on. Well, she ran over there. You don't know that the daughter told her why. I would say they talked about it. So now you might want to, you know, drop some hints with the mother-in-law. Maybe she's willing. That's true. We'll just see if she smiles at you. Planting some seeds, yeah. Again, my advice is for Vic. If you don't know the fucking name, give the advice anyway. Well, depending on where you are in the world, you know, either north or south of the equator, it's not fuck you up the ass, but fuck you down the ass. I don't get it. Goddamn science jokes. I just would like, you know, if a guy said that to me, I'd be like, yeah, okay, you could do that. And then afterwards, I get to ram something up your ass, too. So you would be willing to do that with Vic? Only, no. Only if... A man. I just said a man, not your husband. A man. You said ram. Do you mean like a strap-on? Or do you mean like you're going to jam like you're a Volvo up there? Like, what are you doing? Whatever I want. First of all, if you agree to that, Shouldn't it be equal size? No. No. Why not? Because I said so. I used to date a girl, I used to date a girl that would tell me, you can fuck me in the ass if you let me dildo you in the ass. She would tell me that. She would offer that to me. Did you do it? I had a girl tell me that. I couldn't do it. Exactly. Diffuse. He jumped on it. No, I had a girl tell me that, and my response was, there is no way I am untying you now. It's really hard. Let me just say this to ladies who say no to the back door entrance. If I were a woman, because I always say, what would I do? If I were a woman, What would Jesus do? What would I do? I would make my back door a pleasure palace. You do make your back door a pleasure palace. He's got a beaded door. It's bedazzled. The back of his jeans say, welcome. No, I would have a little, I would have a little welcome mat back there. In a home sweet home. Let me tell you something. When you are a sexual partner, you do what you want. You want to make your lover satisfied. And if that lover wants to have your behind. You want a breath right now? You let that lover have it. Look, you know, there's no ownership here. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. It is a big deal. Then I want to shove my water bottle up your ass. I don't see how big of a deal it is. Try more like your pinky. I'm a flatter. Oh, you're fragile. Oh, yeah. But no one's ever died from a penis slipping in a butthole. Yes, they have. A guy, a guy died from a horse doing it to him and he died. Well, that's different. But if this is real love. There's a horse. No, is this love? I have no sympathy for the woman. We don't have sympathy for the woman. Look, Marie, just wipe your finger on the welcome mat before sticking it in his ass. They have KY Jelly and if you just relax, you don't even know it's there. what you're talking about. Have you ever had a dick in your ass? Not today. No, not today. I like it. He's like, he had a... Most people can, answer that question without a pause. Defy dick. What is dick? His name was not Richard. Didn't they have to put you out during your colonoscopy that you had? Didn't they put you out? But that's different. They don't go four inches or five inches into your rectum. They go all the way in. Right. Four miles. Women who complain about this need to relax and just take a big deep breath and then as it's going in, you blow out. And that's it. It's not a big deal. You know what? I want to take you and I want to shove it up that guy's ass. The whole thing. The whole thing. If a woman said to me, Vic, I will make love to you in the behind. You can have that. I would say fine. So I can shove... I don't think it's a big deal. I've had stuff in my ass. So you're okay with it. So here's my thing. First of all, for the last 20 minutes, I now know Vic's fine with things in anybody's ass. So it took 20 minutes to fucking accomplish. Vic loves the ass. My advice would be to Marie's husband, use Saturday two to three to get the fuck out of the house. That would be my advice. Escape while you can. Run. I don't know why. I'll assume her husband's name is Forrest. Run, Forrest, run. You know, it bothers me because a lot of women make a big deal out of it. It's not a big deal. We're grownups. It's not a big deal. It's just your butt. It's not just a butt. I believe... What else is it? We will... It does things. It's another... All kinds of things. Sing, dance. Marika, one way I will defend him is it doesn't do that many different things. It's not a big deal. Unless you're a woman. Unless you've got a newer model ass than any of us have. It only does limited stuff. We're going to move on. Can I just ask one last thing? Marie. Just once. Have you ever heard of the term around the world? Going around the world? No. That would be... You pleasure the man with your mouth. You pleasure him with your female part. And you pleasure him with your behind. It's a three-hole woman. And that is a trip around the world. And every man should experience that. Or you could just go to Chinatown and, you know, downtown for some Mexican food and... Yeah, the same thing. Around my fist in his ass. That's what it is. I don't know. You know, you need therapy. I don't need... Why don't I go to your therapist? That's me. Yeah, right? He obviously doesn't work well. My therapist is great. That's how I can be so free with my feelings. My God, you must have been a fucking mess. I don't even know. This is post-therapy. fucking drooling. All right. The conclusion is that Vic is the most well-traveled of us. Yes. Yes, indeed. I've only made that trip once. All right. Well, here's one. This one comes from Jack in New York City. Jack said, every time I take my girlfriend out to dinner, I'm the one who pays. She never even says thank you. This has been going on for six months. I'm fed up with it. And I'm thinking about breaking up with her. The thing is, she has a killer body. Oh, okay. That makes a difference. That's... Yeah. You see why men are stupid? Men are stupid. I hate everything about this woman. I want to break up with her. But she's hot. And we're like, well, you know what? Fuck it. You can do it. But look, that's what... As guys, that's the first question we ask. It's like, no matter how much a guy's complaining about his woman, you know, it's like if your friend's going, it's like, oh, she's driving me crazy. Got a picture? What does she look like? Because that dictates how much you're willing to put up with. See, that's why my husband puts up with me. So shut up. Well, you need to... That because he's been fucking tied up for the last couple of years. What I suggest is to the... He's still waiting for you to pull that bat out of his ass. I would start lowering the type of restaurants. I would start moving down to like drive-thru's, and then I would just, for dinner, make her a ham sandwich. And just eventually, she'll get so pissed, she's going to say something. And you say, I've just been waiting for a thank you. The problem is, once you go to the ham sandwich, that she'll offer to split with you. She'll be like, oh, here's a buck fifty. Okay, we're even. And then she waits for dinner again. I don't like this girl at all. I mean, you should always say thank you. I agree. And I'm the same with sex. Like, if a woman doesn't thank me afterwards, I'm a sinner. That doesn't happen very often. Never. What about when a man thanks you? Is the man happy with you? He's always grateful. I just think that, you know, women should pay for dinner too. I think it's ridiculous. I think it's too old-fashioned. I agree. This is what happens. Here's the thing. I'm old-fashioned in the way that I will always pay. Okay? But, if she doesn't make an effort or offer, I'm really pissed off. That's passive aggressive. No, no. Yeah, that's true. No, it's not. It's the same as like, if I open a door, I will always open a door for a woman. Yeah. Or any person. But if they don't say thank you, I want to drag them back through the door and beat them. That's true. It's true. That's a little different than like saying you're going to pay for dinner and then if she doesn't, they'll say, oh, no, no, I want to and then you get pissed at her. That's a little different. I will always pay for a woman's meal as long as she lets me stoop her in the rear. So, I guess you're not paying for a lot of women's dinners. No, you know what I'm saying? Just, you have to get the acknowledgement. No, a woman has to do the obligatory reach for her purse at dinner. It's obligatory and then the guy goes, oh, no, no. Yeah, I got it. It's a game. I don't want anybody paying for me because then you fucking owe somebody. I hate that. I hate Owen. I don't want to owe anybody. Who's Owen? Owen Wilson. She hates him. She hates him. All right. Well, I'm glad we were able to help. Help anybody. Every woman should thank. Yeah. You got to say thank you. Here's the thing. Any person should thank if somebody takes you out to dinner. Now, what if she doesn't offer to pay, doesn't even pretend to pay, but you know she's going to blow you after the meal? Oh, no. You absolutely take her out. Okay. All right. Here's the thing. That's the great equalizer. I've told that story. It's like the woman that said that to me, I just had your penis in my mouth. It's like, yeah, it doesn't matter what you do or say after that. If that's part of the equation, you're good. She had to tell you that she just had your penis? No, it's not like I didn't know I had been there. I just realized because she's, you know, I told this story. having a penis in someone's mouth is not a big deal. I don't even think it's like, it used to be like a big deal to me, but it's not. Yeah, like in the 90s it was a big deal. So the mouth, we assume not to give it. Vic is a three-hole man. You're going backwards. I just don't even care anymore about sex. I'm done. You seem like you're over sex. I mean, it's not a big deal. in your mouth? Yes. No. This is his birthday. Yes, yes, yes. This is his birthday, Vic. Can we edit this out? Not today, no. Can we edit that out? No. In fact, that's going to be the YouTube clip. I thought you meant like if I had a lot of sex. Yeah, I'm ready for something bigger and it's like I'm frustrated because I don't know what else is more exciting than sex. Because it's kind of I'm disillusioned. People like heroin a lot. Yeah. Or macrame. Or macrame. But you just had, you know, look, it's your birthday. You might be slipping towards bingo. No, I think, not to be cheesy, you know, like the girl saying this, but like I think you're ready for love. That's why. I think you're right. Honestly. I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. See, that is nice. I mean, that's a lot nicer. But she's married. I would have thought Vic was close to death at this point. No, no. But these people are nicer. These people are much nicer. I thought you were preparing to die. No, Marie, you're right. I think I've turned a corner. I'm going with death. The sex thing is, I mean, anyone can have sex. It's not a big deal. So who's on the show next week replacing Vic? I know, right? Vic is evolving. That's just happening. And I'm embarrassed for you, Drew. You seem really excited about oral sex and the penis in the mouth. I'm embarrassed for you. It's a deal breaker for me. It's not a big deal. What do you mean? You're not 16. If I, okay, I've always said, no. You were not 16. I'm not 16? No. I mean, you're a grown man. I mean, you act like a dick in the mouth is like, you know, like you won the lottery. Yeah, you're a grown man. He doesn't mind a dick in his mouth. No, I've never had one in my life. Here's the thing. I do have dating rules. I know, but let's just be honest. The first time I sleep with a woman, okay, she doesn't have to do that. And that's usually the last time. No, no, that's never, yeah, right. Oh, boy, you should see me, Vic. No, I'm just saying, the first time she doesn't have to do it, that's, you know, because it's an intimacy thing, I understand. But. The second time we sleep together and she hasn't done it, there's not going to be a third time. Wait, do you go down on her the first time? If she's comfortable with it, sure. If she's comfortable, okay. Oh, you ask her? Oh, yeah, I should try that. No, you could try that. I would think that girls would be okay with doing that to you because you seem very tidy. How soon, how soon after, here's a fair question, actually. How soon after a woman has had an herpes outbreak is it fair and safe to go down on her? Did this happen last week? No. No. It's a fair question. An hour. I would use Google for that answer. I don't know, but Emory, Emory guy said that he had herpes and that if there's no, what did he say? I listened to that episode. I listened to that episode as a listener. No, check it out. I listened to that episode as a listener. I was listening to it on my phone and it got all quiet after he said that. He's like, I have herpes and it's like. Vick is like, did I have his dick in my mouth? No. I've never made love to a man. With your mouth? With anything. No, with Vick, it was just sex. It was hate sex. The guy hated him, he just got hate sex. Fucked. No, first of all. No, the truth is, I don't even think it's a big deal if I had. I don't think so either. I don't think so either. I mean, I think we're in a new age. I just want you to admit it, that's all. We're in a new age. It's not even funny anymore for a man to make love to a man. Like, that used to be a funny thing. It's just love. I never thought it was funny. He doesn't. Yeah. Vick is all like, knock, knock, who's there? That guy fucking that guy, you know. You know what I mean. That is pretty funny, yeah. The truth is, we're in a different world now, Drew. You do enunciate well with my penis in your mouth. You mean that men are less homophobic? Is that what you're saying? We've become, you know, younger people. Have you met black people? Yeah. They don't like gays all that much, by the way. I'm so uncomfortable with this runner. a terrible racist statement. I didn't say that. Marie, he just said it for you. No, we gotta move on because we got time for one more question and then we gotta wrap it up. This one, this is from Kimmy. Kimmy is in Louisville and she's a woman. Said, hi, guys. Hi. Love the show. My boyfriend proposed marriage to me the other day by text message. Uh-huh. Marry him? I'd rather kick him in the balls. Should I give him a second chance or dump his lazy ass? I think she should give him a second chance because you know what? He was trying to be creative. This is what Vic was just talking about. We're progressing with this generation. Right. This is just another, like, they don't care about anal, homosexuality, text messages. Right, that's the new way. This is it. Here's the thing. This is the new way. Did he use an emoji? Well, that's the thing. If he wrote, like, will you marry me and just put the letter U instead of writing out U, yes, you should dump his lazy ass. Don't dump him because he proposed via text, but grammar. If he didn't, if he was too lazy to spell out the word, then he's not, you know. When I suggest... You are getting on LOL. That's what you stand by. I would suggest maybe doing the wedding live via text. There was a couple that got married, I think in Japan, that got married via Skype. Or they could have FaceTimed, yeah. There's a lot of options here. She should have responded. You're the young kid. What's this FaceTime thing? It's not... It's an iPhone. You don't know what that is? You bought an iPhone. You just have... You can see the other person's face from the camera on your phone if they also have a camera on their phone. Oh, really? Yes. Welcome to Grandpa Drew's bad advice. Like, we could have John sit in on a session and put the phone up to the microphone. Really? Drew still has a rotary phone. I do. This is all new to him. I like the... You know, my phone is like two tin cans with strings. String. No. So, yeah, I think this lady, the way she sounds and her mouth is filthy, I think she should be happy anyone in any way could propose to her or show any love to her. Why are you mad at her? What the hell is she doing? I don't know. I just think she's ungrateful. You always turn on the girl. Why? Not always. I just see... You're a misogynist. No, I'm not, actually. You're bitter. Could this have been an autocorrect issue? Yeah, maybe he said... Oh, maybe he was saying something completely different? Well, you meet up with me and then I'm married and then it's like... And now he's covering for autocorrect because he doesn't want to make her feel bad. Either that or he fell down a flight of stairs and it's like, will you carry me? No, you know what the problem is? The problem is our culture with all these fucking assholes being all elaborate with their proposals, with the skywriting, the flash mobs. It's like you can't just ask a woman to marry you anymore. No, they set the bar. Why do you have to call them assholes? Because they're assholes. All right. Well, listen, guys. We are out of time. I want to thank everybody for listening to Bad Advice. Stay tuned because the weekly wrap-up with myself and Ken August and we have two special guests is going to be starting right after this show. Vic Cohen, Wednesday nights, 10 o'clock. It's a fair question. And VicCohen.com. VicCohen.com. You can see all sorts of really funny stuff with him. Zach Foster, what do you got going on? I have some sketches on front of your die. Mama's Out of Bullets. Nice. Check it out. Mama's Out of Bullets. Marie Del Prete. Nick Mom's Night Out and look me up on Twitter at Marie Del Prete. Registered New Refenders is on Extreme Talk XM 165 Saturdays, 2 p.m. Pacific. Make sure you listen to Skid Row studios.com for all our shows. Get us on iTunes and Extreme Talk XM 165. Bye. Bye.