Episode

Good afternoon, everyone. This is Sal Rodriguez, co-host of Registered Ear Offenders. I'm joined by Mike. Well, I'm the co-host and he's the co-host. That's always so awkward when I say I'm the co-host and this is the co-host. Yeah, I honestly don't know, Sal, if we're co-hosts or sometimes when I'm typing something up, I go, oh, I'm the co-host of a weekly, I don't know, sometimes I'm the host and then the next week I'm the co-host, right? Isn't that how it works? Officially, the way we've worked it out is whoever sits in this chair is sort of the captain, is sort of in charge, and then whoever sits in that chair is the co-captain, but we switch off week by week. For those astute listeners, you will know that week by week, Chris and I switch off and that's why we're here one week, you'll hear me do the intro and you'll hear the next week Chris do the intro. Jeremy Hansen in the studio. Jeremy, is that camera up and running? No. Oh, okay, perfect. That's okay, good. I feel fat today. I don't want it to be up. No, I was just going to say though, for those of you who are online, if you can see the studio, you'll understand that Sal is behind this kind of, almost like when the NSA is monitoring communications over the entire country. Yes. That's what it looks like, two giant monitors in front of him. Yes. I'm sorry, go ahead, Chris. That's what we call the captain's chair. Yeah, well, you affectionately named it the captain's chair. That's what you called it. I just figure out. I don't even know. All these computers work, but now they, I thought they were just dummy computers for the camera, but officially they are. I can barely use my own computer and they've got this thing. It has all these like, like sound cues and everything's time and patches the caller through and lets you know if there's a caller on hold. You are listening to Registered Ear Offenders on skidrowstudios.com in collaboration with Extreme Talk XM 165. If you're listening live, you can call us at 1-800-893-9562. My name is Sal Rodriguez. My co-host, Chris Z. There we go. That sounded pretty good. Chris Z in the house. Good to be here. People. It's the end of the week. Sound like I got a lot to talk about. We've got great guests. I'll tell you what. I just spoke to somebody who listens to our show, Religiously Sound. They said one of the things I like about the show is that we're constantly changing the guests and they're always, you know, something unique and dynamic. They're never the same. And in this case, this today is no different. I think these are so actually some are more unique guests today because normally we have comedians on. And although these guys are comics, they do something unique. We have musicians. We have entertainers, people. These guys do something. They do something different. And we have not had guests like these guys on. They're well-known, well-respected web personalities. And they review films. And these guys have become so successful. They started their own endeavor. It was a homegrown grassroots endeavor. And since then, they've done so well for themselves that they routinely appear on the Adam Carolla podcast, which if I'm not mistaken, is the single biggest podcast in existence. Is it? I heard Mark. Was it Mark Maron? I believe he's number two. He's number two. So Adam Carolla is the number one podcast. So these guys are on there all the time. And that is. What's the name of these guys? Schmoes know. That's right. And by the way, the Mark Maron podcast is about half the ratings of the Adam Carolla podcast. So it's a distant second. So these guys have really stumbled into something huge. And apparently, that's not the only thing they do. The regular contributors to the countdown on reels. And they've had some really huge entertainers come on their show. But we'll get to them in just a little while. In the meantime, I got a couple of things to take care of. Yeah. The first thing is how pissed off I am. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. The parking around here is ridiculous now. You know, can we all. The problem with inflation is that everybody agrees on it. Everybody goes, yeah, there's inflation. And so everybody ups their rates. How about the entire world on the count of three? The entire world on the count of three. Lower your prices. OK, the entire world. One, two, three. Oh, not happening. Yeah. Why are monopolies permitted in some trades? You know, you may not be able to have a monopoly in whatever long distance communication. But clearly, these parking lot attendants have all conspired because this has happened from one week to the next. And they're not going to be able to have a monopoly in whatever long distance communication. Next. Yes, exactly. All of these parking lots have all gone up. All of these parking. And that makes me feel bad because I just so happen to have found a broken meter today. I didn't pay a cent to park. No, you should feel good. Let me tell you something. I, I, you don't know how I feel about having to pay for parking, especially on the public street. I have got a good mind to go and bash and remove and destroy all parking meters because I think it's bullshit. Really, I think our DMVs should be able to cover street parking. Did I tell you the time that I briefly lost my mind because of the harassment? The time. The meter made Nazis in Studio City. This actually happened 10 minutes until street cleaning was over. So I pull my car up to the side. I park along the curb. I'm still in my car. I go, you know what? I'll just text. I'll make a couple phone calls till street cleaning lapses. At some point I look up and behind me, there's a street, there's a parking, you know, meter made basically, is sitting behind me in their car. So I go, oh crap. I sped off, right? They mailed me a ticket. About a week and a half later, I got a ticket in the mail. My car was still. It was still on. I had never, I was in my vehicle. I had never left my vehicle and they wrote me a ticket. I mean, what's next? You know, you're going to pull up to a parking meter and somebody's going to stand there and start writing the ticket the second you pull up before you've even had a chance to put the quarter in. And so I went nuts. This is not a joke. I went to, to Moore Park in Tujunga. This is like, you know, an intersection, highly trafficked intersection, not far from where I live. It's attractive women eating at a Roma cafe. That's right. And, and, uh, and I, I literally walked down the street and, and I would pay for people who, who had lapsed. Because I saw the parking attendant. He was walking up. Yes. And that is illegal. Oh, really? You know, it's illegal. That's how fucked up our world is. It is illegal to pay for someone else's parking meter. Uh, you know, I suppose though he, he can't prove it except for the fact that I did several of them at that point. I want to give myself away, but I turned, I actually walked backwards making eye contact with him and paying the meter. So I was like, say 50 feet ahead of him and I was just, you know, paying every time he got up to a meter. It had already been paid for. Yeah. So supposedly I've heard maybe not in Los Angeles or California, but in, in other parts of the country, possibly New York. If you see an expired meter, they're about to get a ticket and you put money in there that is officially is against the law, possibly an infraction or maybe even a misdemeanor. That's gotta be in, in that book or that annex of, of the rule book of, you know, it's full of other laws that people are completely unaware of. Like when you cut through a gas station, that's, that's against the law. It's called avoidance of a traffic something. Really? Like if you, if you do it to intentionally circumvent the light. Sure. Yeah. It's a, it's a ticketable offense. Uh, so Hey. I guess what guys you listen to your skid row studios.com extreme talk XM one six five. Chris, you're not following the format. Oh, that's it. Are you supposed to do the person that sits in, uh, in this chair does it, but I already did it at the top of the show, which means we don't need to do it until after most embarrassing moments. So why don't we get into that? We got a great show today. We got some interesting things happening because you know what the schmoes are going to do. The schmoes who review all kinds of shit are going to be reviewing our shit today. And you, you, you, you shot, you shot our wad, Sal. You spoiled the surprise. It's the, it's already on the format. They already read it. The surprise to who for the schmoes or for us. I thought it was going to be a surprise. Then the way we like to sometimes surprise our guests, like the way we surprise nine finger with music trivia. True. But unfortunately it was written in on the format. My bad. By the way, that's the first time I've ever said my bad. I do not like that phrase. That's the first and only time I've ever said it. Why? Just because it's so egregiously grammatically incorrect. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Hey, let's get into our, our, our show today. And we are starting with most embarrassing moments. Chris, what is one of your most embarrassing moments? All right. Uh, it was my God, probably about 15 years ago. So I was, uh, I was up North visiting my friend, uh, my friend Jay. He, uh, we were friends all through high school and, uh, he moved up. He went to art school, the Corcoran in Washington, DC. And another guy we went to high school with that, um, guy named Chuck, he had also joined the air force and somehow wound up stationed. So him and Jay were kind of would hang out routinely. So when I went up to visit, you know, we were the three amigos and, uh, this guy, this wealthy kind of Arab dude who owned a bunch of cell phone stores in the mall and stuff like that. He was friends with this guy, Chuck. So he invited Chuck over for Thanksgiving dinner. Chuck invited Jay. And just because I had nowhere else to go, you know, they, they invited me and I was like, you sure this guy's going to be cool with that nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. He'd never met me in his life. Welcomed me into his home for Thanksgiving dinner. Right. Uh, while I'm there at some point, I decided I'm going to need to, I got to go to the bathroom. Right. So I go upstairs, I go to the bathroom and I take a dump. All right. And it's these three equal, uh, uh, leavings. Exact, exact replicas. Right. Of each other in size and shape. Oh my God. And they actually formed a plug in the hole. Chris, you have sunk to a new low. Oh, well, I'm not done. You might want to reserve judgment until I finish the story. I mean, it was literally as if somebody had taken, you know, three cigars and plugged up the toilet hole and I couldn't get it to flush. And I started to, there was no plunger. I searched, I searched the bathroom for plunder, a plunger. So I go, I step out, I peek my head out. Uh, you know, I, I sneak down. I go, Jay, you got to help me out. Jay, Chuck, you guys got to just watch the bathroom. Don't let anybody. And I got it. I guess I got to go outside and find a stick. So I literally ran outside and looked for a stick. Wait, it wasn't overflowing though. No, no, it wasn't overflowing, but it wouldn't, it wouldn't flush. It just wouldn't go away. I mean, they were plugged in there. So I went outside while I'm getting a stick. It's like weeks. That was shit built up for weeks. I had, I had trouble finding a stick. So by the time I get back, right, I come to the bathroom and Chuck has gotten his video camera and he's filming the scene and he's narrating it going, this is Chris. This is Chris Z's poop. Chris Z did this. And people, now they see three guys in the bat and they start to congeal. They start to gather around wondering what the hell's going on. That was my most embarrassing moment. And wait, and what year era was this? Uh, I'd say it was about 15 years ago. Okay. So pre YouTube then. Pre YouTube. This would have been on YouTube. It would have been a sensation. I mean, I would have walked, if I would have walked by the bathroom and see three guys at a party or even at a holiday gathering, three guys in the bathroom, I'm assuming that they're going to do that. They're smoking weed. They're doing Coke. Someone would have said it to auto tune. It would be. This is Chris Z. Chris Z. Chris Z. Chris is Chris Z. Chris Z. Poop, poop, poop. That is a pretty embarrassing moment. Mine, mine is not to that level of disgusting Chris, but in elementary school, I was a public speaker. I used to give speeches in school. And one of the things I did, one of the things I learned was the entire, I have a dream speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. And I was nominated to deliver this speech in front of the entire school. Faculty, staff, parents. It was a big event. MLK day on MLK day. So there I was step up to the podium. I have a dream. Completely blanked, completely blanked on the entire speech. All I knew, remember was I had a dream. Did you hold your arms out as though you were doing it on purpose? I wanted a dramatic pause. I have a dream. I have a dream. If I could just feel like a teacher who was sitting between us sitting between us sitting school just completely going blank that's funny that happened to me once i was doing uh i was doing a fringe festival one-man show that i'd written and they had kind of a preview party thing where people came out to see like you know glimpses of the show you were going to bring so you would do like a chapter of your book so to speak and uh man i just got up there and i don't know what it's the only time i've never i've never had that i never had that problem but it happened that day i couldn't remember i would get one sentence out and then i'd forget and the next one and then i'd forget where i was and actually somebody in the audience had to help me along by yelling out the last sentence for me my own this is not a guy who knew my material he just remembered what i said last and yelled that back out oh thank you sir so i can continue with my piece thank god for people ready to save our asses we're gonna move right along we are gonna get into chris's corner coming up next the little engine that couldn't matt josh and i were 17 we couldn't get into clubs or pubs so our weekends were just a little bit of a mess were typically wasted driving to remote locations and imbibing malt liquor we bribed bums to buy for us our nation's values are laughably backwards aren't they 17 year olds can't drink leer at nude women or fire guns for entertainment but can watch glorified gratuitous portrayals of all three in films for entertainment matt and i bus tables at a sushi joint the unsaisonable cold blunted business we left early we arrived at josh's house unannounced we found him cleaning out josh's closet for from the look of things the first time in 10 years he'd lived there one peculiar item he'd marked for disposal was a professional wrestling board game from his adolescence lacking new options we defaulted to theft full disclosure we never stole things of value or utility we stole things like the flashing lights off roadside barricades for us oddity dictated worth the mall was closed by the time we breached its borders in 94 the nascent sawgrass mills mall's marshy outlands were populated only by disparate small businesses, mostly fast food outlets. The brand new Wendy's was closed and uninhabited. A banner tied between two flimsy trees proclaimed, Wow, we're open! I led the charge, swatting it like an angry cat. It weathered my assault unfazed. I wrapped my limbs around it like a Caribbean boy climbing a coconut tree. The narrow nylon rope supporting the banner somehow supported my body weight as well. We piled into Matt's boxy Buick, empty-handed. The engine sputtered to life. A police cruiser graced our periphery. Perhaps its presence was mere happenstance. I ordered Matt to drive off, maintaining the speed limit exactly as we would had we not just been party to a pathetic, failed attempt at petty theft. Emboldened by fear, Matt complied. The cop caught up. He flipped the cherries and berries. Matt and Josh, white, well-bred suburbanites, began hyperventilating as images from the recently released Shawshank Redemption flooded their minds. I won't tell you that I was as cool as an ice cube, but my prior brushes with the law for the most minor of offenses served to minimize my panic. Officer Overzealous ordered us out of the car, driver first. Fingers laced behind our heads, we walked backwards towards his black and white. We were then ordered to sit Indian-style on the ground while he ran us through the system. Stiff winds exacerbated the unseasonable cold. The officer took his time. Matt and Josh came up clean. Luckily for me, my arrest for swimming in a condo complex's pool without permission, two years prior, had been sealed by the courts. The ordeal should have ended there. We placed our palms on the cruiser and spread our legs. He frisked us nose to toes. Matt and I came up clean. When asked if he had anything to declare, Josh replied, I have a knife. The officer cautiously withdrew a pocket knife Josh's dad had given him for his 14th birthday. Had the blade been any smaller, it would have come attached to a wine key. The officer, undeterred by his false positive, resumed frisking Josh. He soon found out that Josh's dad had found a second something of interest. He examined it the way one would examine a winning lottery ticket. Immediately after hearing the lottery, the winning numbers read. The contraband in question was a tiny figurine of a well-muscled black man in tights posturing aggressively. Said figurine was a game piece from the aforementioned board game that somehow ended up in Josh's trousers. Maybe the cop had poor night vision, or maybe he just couldn't believe his eyes, but he inquired in earnest, what is this? Josh replied with a veracity of an innocent man on trial for capital murder. It's the junkyard dog, sir. This comedy of errors had clearly reached its crescendo, but apparently this cop is someone who sees Monty Python's Black Knight as a role model, rather than a cautionary tale extolling the virtue of knowing when to quit. I verbalized disbelief that he was still trying to make hay out of horse shit. The officer heatedly informed me that he still had the option to arrest us on any number of charges, including loitering, criminal mischief, possibly trespassing. Josh and Matt urged me to shut my mouth and pledge their full cooperation. Officer Little Engine That Could then announced his desire to search Matt's ride. Matt granted it without protest. I begrudgingly refrained from any mention of the Fourth Amendment. The lawman found paydirt behind the driver's seat. He emerged from the car energized, clutching a Halloween mask as though it was a literal smoking gun, and channeling his best Jim Carrey screeched, You guys pull a couple jobs tonight? Trying not to sound too smug, I pointed out that there were three of us and only one mask. I encouraged him to simply call dispatch and inquire if any crimes had been committed by suspects fitting our description. Little Engine then announced his desire to inspect Matt's trunk. Matt relinquished his keys. The officer's attempts to insert the lengthy key into the lock looked like a teenage male's first attempts at penetration. Eventually it landed, but the lock would not budge. Matt explained that his car was nine years old, and that an arthritic lock was the most mundane of its quirks. The cop ordered him to try. Matt worked on the lock for several minutes, but the cold had frozen it in place. The officer, no doubt as cold and tired as we were by then, finally accepted the fact that we were not the unholy trinity of teenage outlaws, and let us go. That cop will never know how close his persistence came to paying off. Matt, four months, had been using his trunk as a depot for our stolen autopsies. His cachet contained more masks, several street name signs, and a few other things. Matt was not surprised. and he was not able to get out of the car. He was not able to get out of the car. He was not able to get out of the car. He was not able to get out of the car. If he was able to get out of the car, If he was able to get out of the car, inanimate objects to a bloodless pulp. Perhaps the patron saint of pity thieves was watching over us that night, or perhaps my friends are made of sterner stuff than I credited them with. Matt and Josh must have played world-class poker faces when Officer Dogged Pursuit turned his attention to the trunk for him to have missed their hearts simultaneously skipping a beat. This true tale ended anticlimactically and without consequence. For the first time in my 12 years as a storyteller, I wouldn't have it any other way. That's Chris's Corner. Thanks for stopping by. That was Chris's Corner with his extended cut. Of my lawlessness. Who knew that you were such a punk as a kid? I never knew. I did. I walked the fine line, Sal, between suburbia and the outskirts of suburbia. The interesting thing is that that's the way, you know, when I imagine you with your hands interlocked behind your head, that's the way the cops treated me. Why would they treat a guy that looks like you that way? Well, if you're out there in listener land, Sal was actually stepped out for a minute. He didn't catch the... He didn't catch the front end of the story. That's why, where I clearly explain how I wound up in that situation. Damn it. But, you know, it's funny you should mention that because I actually had another incident with a police officer one time where... All right, we'll talk about that another time, Chris. Okay, are we falling behind? Are we behind? Yes. Okay, perfect. That's your turn. Go ahead. Well, no, we're out of time. We can't do mine now. Really? Jesus. I'm only kidding. All right, we're going to get... Oh, we want to remind you that you are listening to skidrowstudios.com, registered air offenders, hosted by Sal Rodriguez and Chris Z. Also in collaboration with Extreme Talk, XM 165. Our show is rebroadcast at 2 p.m. Pacific Standard Time on Extreme Talk, XM 165. Let's get into Sal's weekly rant. It has been said that music brings people together. That is a lie. Music tears people apart. Fifth grade, Telfer Elementary, Pacoima, California. The class was one. One class. Until we started to discover music. As I began to discover pop and rap, my very close friends began to discover rock and metal. As I made my way to school, wearing my LL Cool J t-shirt, my friend Danny made his way to school with his Iron Maiden hat, and our friendship suffered for it. I discovered Lionel Richie and Culture Club, while my former friends discovered Motley Crue and Rat. Our friendship was dead, and it was all music's fault. On a three by five card, my friend Mario wrote down a list of all of our favorite groups, with musicians such as Michael Jackson, New Edition, Men at Work, only to have the list torn in half by my former friend Danny as he yelled, Ozzy Osbourne! We even had mini rumbles. It was pop versus metal, The Bangles versus Def Leppard, Men Without Hats versus Judas Priest. We went so far as to yell out the name of our favorite group as we took our opponents down in WWF fashion. Myself, Mario, and Billy sang Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf as we wrestled with Gabriel, Juan, and Froilan as they sang Twisted Sisters' We're Not Gonna Take It. Truth is, I liked all forms of music. I liked rap, rock, pop, even some country, but I had to choose a team. I found, at least in my part of town, that the fifth graders who preferred pop over metal to be the smarter kids, the group in which I identified. And with music came fashion. You could often tell the music of choice by the attire of choice. In high school, I wore baggy jeans with baggy T-shirts and baseball caps. Guess which music I listened to. In high school, it was all about rap. Rakim, Public Enemy, NWA. All my friends listened to rap. I had a friend, Yolanda, who listened to punk and ska, and to this day, I still don't know what's in there. I don't know what's in there. I don't know what ska music is. Our friendship was covert, lest our mutual friends see two people who listen to different music hanging out, her wearing Doc Martens, tapered jeans, and shaved head. We crossed lines that were seldom crossed. Choose your side by choosing that side's music. As an adult, my musical tastes vary greatly. Mostly, it's whatever station doesn't have a commercial. I listen to pop, rock, country, global, eclectic. Strangely, I don't listen to much rap. Always remember, friends don't let friends choose. Friends buy their music. Music tears people apart. Sal's Weekly Rant, thank you. All right, Sal. We're off to a pretty solid start today. Aren't we? I feel weird today. I don't know what it is. I do have a funk about me, I will tell you this. I can't sleep whenever I have something big to do in the morning, and I have an audition immediately after the show, so I didn't get much sleep, and then I tried to self-medicate, and I think that only made the situation worse. Right before the show, you had your head down on the desk like a kid who was in trouble in class. I come over to Chris. Chris, are you okay? His head is on the desk here. Yeah, we did have a... Sal and I got a little nervous there. Our guest came in without a second to spare, and it's the first time we've ever had that happen on the show, so we literally have no clue what we would do if our guest had not arrived, because our guests make up about a third of our hour. So we would... I don't know. I don't know what we'd do, because we've never had to do it before. I know what you would do. I'm sure in your laptop there, you've got at least 10 other 10-minute long stories that you can tell. Well, that hour, I could just go to UGIS and rattle off my favorite 25 clips of it. That is on another subject. Be sure to join us on another episode of Registered Ear Offenders when we talk about the trouble with porn. Chris and I discuss our issues with porn, not our issues like we got a problem with it, although we do have a problem with it, but rather things that concern us and things that trouble us about pornography. Were you here, Sal, when I was doing bad advice and Gus got mad at me for looking at pornography during the show? You were... No, you were not doing bad advice. You were doing weekly wrap-up. That's right. Chris is on us. He's on the show as a guest looking at porn on his laptop as he's a guest on a show. I'm a contributor. It's not my own show. Jesus. All right, we're gonna move right along. You guys ready to bring in our guest? Chris? No, no, wait, don't we have to do sketchy characters first? No, no, no, no, no. Chris, there's a format in front of you. I realize that, but we changed it up. We changed our format up extensively. Usually Sal and I have a pretty set schedule, but now we're mixing things up because we wanted to do, we wanted to have the schmoes come in and we wanted them to hear our piece so that they can make an objective. No, but they're gonna be sitting in here when they listen to our piece and then they will judge it. We will lay our souls on the line and they will tell us what they think of our creation. No one can say that Sal and I don't possess a spirit of fair play because we've gone head to head with our guests and we lost last time. We lost in trivia to musicians and Cliff Yates, the comedy cop. Nine Finger beat Chris in music trivia. Cliff Yates beat me in law enforcement trivia. Yeah, all right. What do we know? Chris, why don't you go ahead and introduce our guests? All right, man, these guys are big time. We're so excited to have them here. Back in 2006, comedians and friends Christian Harloff and Mark Ellis discovered their shared love of the big screen. In 07, they began reviewing movies for current TV so they could watch Pixar flicks in the middle of the day together and not feel weird. Since then, the Schmoes Know Movies has gone on to become one of YouTube's most popular movie review series, as well as recurring critics. They've also become recurring critics on the Adam Carolla podcast. Some of their guests have included Sean Astin, Katie Sackhoff, and Tom Arnold. Please welcome to the show, the Schmoes. Yeah, this is the kind of music that was popular when we started the show back in the 40s. We're actually 87 years old. How you doing, kids? That's true. The Schmoes, now, if I'm not mistaken, please, let's start with the word Schmoes. Schmoes is a Yiddish word, is that correct? Yeah. We are Yiddish in nature. Let's just say that we were talking about this before, about how the name kind of evolved. And when we started on current TV, it was like the Harloff and Ellis show, and we just did the current lowdown at one point. And we took it to YouTube. We're like, I don't know, let's just do, like, Joe Schmoes or whatever. Like, what about the Schmoes? No, he hated it. It stuck. So now that's it. And now you've created a whole world. You got Schmoville. Yeah. It's a big city. It's a burgeoning city. We have an Olive Garden there now. We have a gas station. We have a ghetto. It's nice. If we have everything, a big city would want. I don't know if you need a local film critics for the city as well. It's true. I don't know if you'd love it, Sal, because we have a guy in Schmoville sitting on the corner going, Dr. Feelgood. There's a lot of Motley Crue going on. I want to challenge you guys. We recently, Chris and I recently saw. If it's to a Duran Duran dance off, I'll go ahead and give you the victory. I will. It's that you guys gave us your top 10 list of people you guys want to see in Star Wars. Oh, yeah. We did actors and actresses. Okay. And for affirmative action, you guys had two blacks and not one Latino. You guys do not want to see any Latinos. I had Michelle Rodriguez. You had Michelle Rodriguez? Chris, why did you fast forward it? I told you not to fast forward. Yeah. Ana Rodriguez, no less. Yeah. See, you can yell at me, because I don't think she should be in the movie. I don't think she should be in the movie. I don't think she should be in any movies. Nothing. She's one character. There's one trick pony, and sometimes she has milked it for like 10 years. She's been frowning less now, though. She like, in Avatar, she frowned a little less, so I hated her less. You know what I mean? Like for a long time, especially in Lost, she was terrible. All she did was frown. They're like, she's frowning so much, just shoot her. And they finally did. I also had, where is Zoe Saldana from? She's one of these, she may be from Pangea. She's like from every continent just a little bit, but I thought she was South American too. She's in a movie called Columbiana, so I don't know if that counts. Yeah. Or maybe she does cocaine. I knew what show I was going on on Friday. I just heard it. But you gotta be careful. You can't take anything at face value, because I know like the movie Maria Full of Grace was actually filmed in Ecuador. And Chris is of Ecuadorian descent. You'd never know by looking at him. Yeah, they took great pains not to film any monuments or structures, anything that would kind of give away where they were. So they always kept it green, so you could assume that they were supposed to be in Colombia, I think is where it's supposed to be. Yeah, and Star Wars wasn't really shot on Tatooine either. That was a desert in Tatooine. What? Oh, really? Yeah, I know. I fell for that. Spoiler, spoiler. You know, one thing I enjoy doing, and I did this a lot about a year ago, is I don't like to watch reviews before the movie, but rather after the movie. So one thing I would do is my girlfriend and I, she has an unlimited AMC gift card. We can see 10 movies every day for a year forever. And she got it out of a swag bag. And so after the movie, we'd come home, I would turn on the- What's a swag bag? A swag bag? That sounds like something that I would hide under my bed in my high school years. In your high school years. A little bottle of gasoline. A swag bag is a dirty sock. Yeah, right after you watch UGIS. So we would come home, and I would turn on the schmoes on YouTube, and hear what you guys had to say about the movie. And I would love to hear your contrasting ideas. You hated it, you loved it, you loved it, you hated it. But it was always after the fact. Would you recommend people watch reviews before a movie or after a movie? Ours before, and I mean, you could do both. I say before though, because one thing we've always stuck to is we don't spoil. We never spoil because that's, again, then we would say, no, if we're gonna give you anything on it to where you're like, oh no, now you screwed it up just like the trailers do. Yeah. We don't do that. We make sure that we hit enough points that you're informed, but that we don't give anything away. See, I say watch it during the movie. Yeah. Bring the laptop in the theater, bring that baby open about a half hour in and see how the movie's gonna end. Says the guy who gets annoyed if somebody just shifts to the left during the movie. You're full of it. If somebody took their phone out, you would be, turn me off. Yeah. Turn me off, I don't wanna hear myself speak. When you see this many movies, I mean, I'm in a theater five times a week sometimes, and I can't handle anything that goes on in a theater if it's not strictly about watching the movie. People have terrible habits. I honestly believe that's kind of a mile marker in the aging process. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's when you get to the point where you stop going to the movies because of other people's rude behavior. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Like, I want people there in a tie. You know, people used to fly like that. Flying was a big deal. They used to wear like a suit and tie and fly. What the fuck happened? Everybody looked at Indiana Jones weird because he just wore the leather jacket. Like, who is this homo? No, wait, you guys go to the movies? I imagine you guys are watching screeners every day. You guys actually go to the movies. Well, yeah, we go to press screenings because they still, they don't send out, for like the Academy season, they send out screeners and stuff too, but for, you know, during the regular year, there's press screenings. Like, we'll go, we'll see a movie. If it comes out on Friday, we'll either see it that Monday or maybe the Thursday before. It just depends on which movie. A movie like Hansel and Gretel, the screening was the night before it came out. So, you know. You email the studio about when the Hansel and Gretel screening is. They're like, oh, is that coming out this week? Oh, we totally forgot. So. Well, hey, I did want to ask you, it says, now it says that you guys started off on Current TV, is that correct? Yes. How did you even get there? I mean, there must be a million people. We were the two lost hikers in North Carolina. They had to rescue. Mm-hmm. Al Gore is a personal friend of Ellis'. No, we had a friend that was an executive there at the time. She, I don't know, Sal, if you remember, do you remember Martini Paratori? She was a- She used to do the white boy shows? Yes. Yes. She became an executive over at Current TV. And she called me and she was like, listen, you know, we're doing this thing. We're going to have a whole bunch of people just reviewing TV pilots. Just, you know, average people doing it. And so she asked if I want to do it. I brought Mark along and then they just selected us out of like, there was like nine people that did it originally and they liked us and we did it. And we just started doing it for about a year. And also I heard the name Ken Knapsack, who I remember. Hello, Ken, if you're listening. What is Ken Knapsack's involvement with the Schmoes? Basically any trash we need taken out. Yeah, so yeah. If you catch my drift. He drives out to the desert with the shovels and takes care of the body. Great shoulder massages. Absolutely great shoulder massages. No, he's our producer of our podcast. We do a podcast on the Toad Hop Network every Thursday night live from 8 to 10. And Ken is our producer. He's great. He does like a weekly, he does like a news segment. It's hysterical. And he looks like a guy who's on a flight in the early 30s. Because he's wearing a suit and tie. That's right. I would see him wear a shirt and tie a lot. We have a little clip from the Schmoes No podcast right here. Let's go ahead and play that. Cool as ice. Look at that. Just in there. Good transition. Ready to rock. The Schmoes No podcast. We're back, ladies and gentlemen. Myself, Christian Harloff. And I am Mark Ellis. You are. And Christian, we had a good show last week. Big show. I was happy with it. We had a lot of the year reviewers. We had a great shoot. A really great shoot. Holy crap balls. One problem. What was the complaint that I'm hearing from last week's podcast and the year reviewers shoot? Too much Ken Napson. There was no fair sex at all. No. There was nothing. No. There was no sexy women around at all. And I've had enough. I've had enough to hear with dudes. Well, I don't think you're the only one. I think that we have made up for it. Oh, really? I think so. Even though I can see them in studio. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to play along with them. What surprise do you have for me, wizard? Well, look. This is a very monumental show for this show. It's a very monumental show. It's a very monumental show. It's a very monumental show. If you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you listen closely to this podcast, if you Fireside chats. Yes, and we didn't have any co-hosts. Then our first female co-host was the great Katherine Reitman, who we loved and was on about 20 shows. Really great. Girl with puppy. And then in the summertime, we were blessed with the woman sitting next to me here, Katie Sackhoff, who is back in Schmoville. And Katie is unlike us. She's working. So she's out of life. Chris, I believe I found somebody who has older references than me. Mark Ellis references FDR. You kids doing the Charleston and your mint juleps. You missed this Moses reference last night. It was pretty good. How did you get Katie Sackhoff on your show? I've known Katie for a long time. I've known her probably for like seven years. She's Canadian, right? No, she's from Oregon. She just shot in Canada during Battlestar. Chris is consistently shocked by anybody having any career success whatsoever. Listen, we're comedians. I get it. But now she's doing Longmire, right? She's on Longmire. She's going to be in that new Riddick movie. She's got that Haunting of Connecticut coming out. She's got tons of stuff. She just booked another movie. That's why we lost her. We had her as co-host. She was a co-host of our podcast from July until this past show last weekend. And there's a video clip of her leaving. You guys all saying goodbye to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saying goodbye, kicking her ass out the door. Mark Ellis giving her an awkward hug. I saw that. Yeah, it works. Well, our intern scared the hell out of her. So there was a lot of stuff that was going on in that show. And she's great. She's a sweetheart. She helped out the show a lot. You guys have a team. You guys have a... It sounds like it's not just the two of you. You guys have a posse now. On the podcast, yeah. Posse team. I say zoo. And there's only two people that work there. So we have to feed the animals, wrangle everybody. But it's a crazy nuthouse and we have fun with it. What about Tom Arnold? Did he play a role in a film or was he just... He was available. So you had him on the show. Bonnie. Bonnie Somerville, who's a frequent guest, also shot a pilot with him. And then she had been our guest on a couple of times. And she said, listen, you should come on the show. I think you have a lot of fun. We actually shot that podcast. We did that podcast. It's at his house. And he was a super cool dude. He was really nice. And we talked sports movies. Yeah, we went for a long time, too. He's just one of those guys. He can just go. When he's on, man, he's firing on all cylinders. We want to remind you, you're listening to Registered Air Offenders on skidrollstudios.com in collaboration with Extreme Talk XM165. If you're listening live, you're welcome to call us at 1-800-893-9562. Our special guests today are Christian Harloff and Mark Ellis of the Schmoes Know podcast. Okay. We are all in agreement. That is correct. That is absolutely correct. So you guys created this whole world. You guys have caricatures. Who painted your caricatures? Fans. Not us. We're the two least talented people in Schmoeville. We'd be doing stick figures if it was up to us. But no, there's a bunch of fans that do Photoshop posters and stuff for us. There's two in particular. Leanne LeCotier, I always mess her name up, and Matt Brown. And every time we'll do a segment and they'll have new pictures. They did one for It's Always Sunny. Did you see that one? Yeah. And it's yours. It's Always Sunny in Schmoeville, and they put all of our faces on it, and it's incredible. They're really talented. And most of the illustrations are done by a young man named Robert Sumblin, who's just a super talented kid. He's done a lot of illustrations for us over the years. And you guys have T-shirts and everything? We have one that we just started out. We have our first one that says, I'll give this T-shirt five out of five Schmoes with the Star Wars font. But we're going to start. Kenny is working on it. We're docking his pay until he gets a shirt out there. Get on it, Ken, because we want some T-shirts. Yeah, for sure. Where do you broadcast from? We broadcast from Hollywood at Toad Hop, at their studios. And then we shoot our movie reviews in our office, which is also my bedroom. Because I noticed you have the movie posters laid out. And I always wonder, are they in a real professional studio, like a giant warehouse? There we are. Yeah. Fandango gives us those pictures, and then we give them away to the fans afterwards, the posters. They give us a whole bunch of posters to give away. We'll leave them up there for a few reviews. But, yeah, I mean, it's hard. You got the podcast that's two hours, and you have our reviews that we do three or four that we do for Fandango and Movies.com. And then we run the Schmo Plus channel as well. So it's pretty busy right now. You guys are keeping pretty busy. Now, I noticed that in your bio, you mentioned Christian. You had some years in development of silver pictures that you put to good use. But it doesn't say anything about Mark. Mark, how come you were not mentioned here? What is your background prior to Schmo? There's a little thing called the Witness Protection Program. And I've been a tennis instructor in Pasadena my whole life. Really? I'm sleeping at the Taco Bell across the street from Silver. That's how he's now a part of the show. No, I met Christian through doing stand-up. I mean, I moved out to L.A. to do stand-up, which I continue to do. Just released my first album, Get to the Castle. Oh, nice. And so I continue to do that nightly. That's my night job and my day job at Schmo's. And it's pretty busy, but, you know, keeps me off the streets. And how's Adam Carolla? How often are you guys on Adam Carolla? And how did you guys get involved with Adam Carolla? We did a live show. We used to do it. I think you remember. Room 5. We did a live show for a little while where we'd show clips and stuff. And we had our buddy who's a studio executive, Naveed Mack. He had done it. He wanted to do stand-up. So we put him up there. And Adam Carolla's Mike August, who's like his manager and his booking agent, he saw him there. And then he saw us. And we started talking. And he said, why don't you guys come out and talk movies with Adam? And that was about three years ago. And we've just been doing it. And we go on like every three or four months. We were supposed to go on this past week, but we had to move things around. So we're probably going back, I think, at the end of February. And how is he in person? He's cool. He's a good dude. He's quick as shit, man. That guy. I mean, you talk about a guy's brain that you just wish you knew what was going on in there. Like, he will throw out references. It's crazy. Machine gun stuff. It's kind of funny. You kind of feel like the white sprinter at the Olympics with Adam. It's like, just keep up. Just let me be in the same picture when the guy's crossing the finish line. That's all you can hope for. He's brilliant, man. He's really a smart guy. You just watch him. And you're just, oh, how did he come up with that? You're just listening to him. It's really fun to be around. He took over Howard Stern's time slot here in LA on KLSX, I believe it was. Yeah. And then when he was taken off and I guess went exclusively onto what? Did he go on a satellite? Where'd he go? I started. I think that he started on. He just started his own podcast. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if it was necessarily a radio or serious. I think it was just. I don't know the details, but I think he got kind of shafted. It was one of these things where they told him like, you know, we don't expect you to have Howard's ratings. That's an unreasonable request. So we'll give you two, three years. And then he said after like a year, they were already going like, oh, what's with the ratings? You know, Howard Stern took 20 years to get those ratings and you want me to get them? Yeah. I enjoy Adam Carolla. He was the only reason I listened to Love Lines. It wasn't for Dr. Drew. It was for Adam Carolla. It was great. It was much better for him. It was great for him to go off and do his own thing because he's so like, you don't hold that guy back. And the fact that he had to be held back on the radio. He's not a sidekick. No, you can't hold him back. Like, it's because again, he's, he'll say, he'll say the most offensive shit. I mean, the FCC would have taken him off quick if he could really say what he wants to say. And he does. And he has that venue to do that. And that's why he's so good. And that's why he does have the number one podcast. And what's the future for Schmoes? Where do you guys see? I mean, is, is the idea. Getting fat. Is the idea, what, on television show? Is that what you guys are aiming for? I mean, I, look, we love doing the podcast also. I mean, I'm just, I'm speaking for myself here. I would love to do the podcast with that crew that we have right now every day. That'd be great. I mean, we're getting some more sponsors and it's really working out and it's a lot of fun. The fans get involved and I just really enjoy talking movies and hanging out with the crew. So I would like to do that every day. Yeah. I mean, it took this long to build this ship and it's just now that we kind of have it in motion, I just kind of want to enjoy the momentum a little bit, you know, cause we're very busy, but it's just, just keep doing what you're doing. It's a boring answer to say, but if I could just keep doing what I'm doing right now for a long time, that'd be, that'd be sweet. I mean, a girlfriend wouldn't kill me, but you know, some sort of sex every now and again would be nice, but. I wanted to ask you guys that since you mentioned it, Mark, uh, do your, okay. You don't have a girlfriend, Mark. Christian, do you have a girlfriend? Married. Okay. You're married. And he's got a girlfriend. Does your wife get along really well? Does your wife listen to your podcast? Sometimes? Yes. I have a daughter now too. So it's harder. So it's harder for her to do. She, she does. I mean, she's like when she can, but a lot of times it's, it's tough for her to do. So she's not there next to, uh, she's not downloading your podcast. Critiquing me when I get home. Why did you say that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know that's not, not really. Cause she, she, she trusts me. I do my thing and you know, You got to put a baby to bed. Our podcast isn't exactly nursery rhymes. It's not exactly conducive to helping a baby fall asleep. Yeah. But I don't hear you guys cussing. You guys keep it clean. I believe. Not on the podcast. On, on our, on our YouTube channel. On the YouTube channel. For movies.com and, and Fandango. Yes. Because it's a, it's a, especially Fandango. Cause it's such like a, you know, family kind of side too. So, but that's what I, that's what I respect about Fandango. Is the fact that like we, that's the one thing with Mark and I, we never ever say that we're actually like, that we're critics. We're dudes who watch movies and give our opinions on movies the same way you do. And the same way you do, Chris. It's like, so it's like, that's the thing. I think that's why. We're schmoes if you will. Yes. Everyday schmoes. And that's why I think Fandango was so, it was so cool for them to, they acknowledge that. They said, look, we, no one's doing what you guys are doing. We would love to have you on. And I think that's where Rotten Tomatoes. And I think I wrote, I told you guys this, that we Rotten Tomatoes, we're the first YouTube reviewers to be certified on Rotten Tomatoes. And then the MPAA just accredited us. Wow. So we're the first ones to, for YouTube to do that as well. Now, wait, wait, I'm sorry. What does that mean exactly? You guys can rate movies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been on, on Rotten Tomatoes. We've been doing that for like six months. We're not, we're not putting, we're not putting the R rating on movies. We're not the guy. We're not the old bitty swatching being like, wow, is that a dick? Hang on. I saw a tit. What it means is that we're in the system as far as professional, you know, reviewers and stuff too. They acknowledge us in the Rotten Tomatoes system. And in like when the studios go and look at lists, we pop up and we can go to the junket. So we can go to the, like anything that we need as far as with the studios, they acknowledge us as an outlet. And you guys have 40,000 YouTube subscribers and over 8 million video views on YouTube. That's how I discovered you guys. I actually, you know, even though I remember you guys from room five, I somehow stumbled upon you guys on YouTube. That's good to hear. Yeah. You guys didn't. Not through my Facebook blasts. No, I forgot. I forgot what it was. It was somehow I stumbled. And I was like, hey, that's, that's Christian and Mark. I remember those guys. And then I started watching you guys. It's funny you say that too, because that's how my, my friend's mother, like again, was like stumbled upon. She's like, is Christian doing movie reviews? It was funny. So, I mean, it's amazing. That shows you how powerful the YouTube and Facebook and Twitter really is. And when, you know, people that you haven't seen in 20, 30, four or five years. Let me ask you guys, what does it feel like to get a like on Facebook? What is that? What's the sensation? Yeah, it's depressing. Chris, you'll get there one day. I think you'll pull back the stories about your bowel movements, just the hair. And then I think you're going to get a like or two. All kidding aside, you had to have at some point what would have been like, I don't know, your big break or something where, you know, things were going well. But because I imagine, you know, I mean, Tom Arnold, Katie Sack, some of these names, these are, these are huge celebrities. But I mean, what, when did you achieve legitimacy? Was it an accident or was it just years of grinding and grinding? I don't know. Maybe Christian can answer this. Because to me, it feels like a marathon. It feels like something where you pace yourself. There wasn't like, when you run a marathon, you're like, man, I really crushed that 14th mile. It's just one long thing that you just, you just keep plodding along. We're not the hare, we're the tortoise. But certainly your first guest was not, was not Tom Arnold. Well, actually our first guest on our show, on our YouTube channel was Katie Sackhoff. Like Katie came. Fuck you guys. We had 700 subscribers when Katie came on and we did it. We did an interview for my living room and she sat on the, you get still up there and it's a four part series. And she just sat there for like, I think it was close to an hour. I rolled out of bed. She was sitting in between us and a credit to her acting ability. She didn't look uncomfortable. No, at all. And, and it was, yeah, that was, that was good. That got us on the map. The Corolla thing helped us out a lot. And then just the movie reviewing community kind of just started growing. And we, we were like only the only duo team that was doing it. And we have a back and forth on our comedy background kind of helped as far as you want to be entertained when you're watching these videos too. You don't want to just the facts. And I think that that's, we've talked to people that way and just, you know, we just got lucky. You hear that, Chris? Is that the advice and motivation that you were looking for? Yeah, sure. Well, it's also, it's also keeping it simple. How about that? I mean, like our hub is still the YouTube channel. That's like our hub. That's where you go to if you want to know everything else about the shows we're doing. If you just subscribe to our YouTube channel, then that gives you the world as far as Schmoville goes. So you're, you're informed of everything else that's going on with us. Have you ever found yourself, you know, in some kind of power play where maybe you said something about a film and, you know, some studios said, hey, we're going to cut your, you're going to, we're going to make sure you never attend. One of our screenings. Django Unchained, not to that extreme what you were talking about, but Django, what the studios do is they put an embargo on the reviews. So like if you go to see the movie, they'll tell you, okay, you cannot release your review until said date. We went to a SAG screening of it. So there was no embargo set on it whatsoever. So we were like, okay, great. Let's just, let's just shoot it. We were the first review to get up there. Indie Film, Indie Film Wire put our review up there and it got thousands of hits and it was going all over the place. And then the studio contacted Fandango and said. Get this shit off now. And we put it on, we put it on like private. And then once the embargo was up, then we took it off. They didn't say get this shit off. They said, get that really well-crafted movie review off the internet just for a little while. It's too accurate. God damn it. But not as far as shitting on movies. No, I mean, that's part, that's, that's the, that's the game you play if you're in the studio. Usually they know, you can tell the press screenings, they're handing you the notes. They're like, go easy. Yeah, it's true. We walked into, we walked into Three Stooges and the girl said, good luck. Yeah. I didn't hate as much as I thought I would. I gotta be honest. It was pretty good. The girl being the director? No, the publicist. Yeah, the director, exactly. Guys, this is the schmo's opportunity to shit on our stuff. Okay. Because what we want you guys to do is listen carefully to what you're about to hear. You're about to hear one of our recurring segments called Sketchy Characters. Okay. You will then give us, give, we give you an opportunity to review it, shit on it, whatever. Give it five out of five, one out of five, whatever you guys want. Go ahead, Jeremy. By the way, Jeremy Hansen is on the soundboard today. By the way, I guess Nick is fired, I guess. What happened? Nick is gone. What did he do? Nick was our former sound engineer. Now Jeremy has replaced him. Is that what happened? Yeah, he's gone. Oh, wow. Goodbye, Nick. Jeremy's like, I shot him. All right, guys, we are going to run Jeremy's Sketchy Characters. And now, Sketchy Characters presents Just In Case Matchmakers. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin Munch, president of Just In Case Matchmaking Service. With me is my VP and best friend, Jules Casey. Just In Case provides luxurious companionship for females. We deliver gratification of a personal nature to your door 24-7. No time-consuming courtship process or unwanted follow-up phone calls from smitten one-night stands. You call us. We knock your socks off. Then leave immediately following payment for services rendered. Maybe your husband's never in the mood. Your reason is not our concern. We just want your business. Allow me to explain what we are not. We are not man-hoes. We don't do business in alleys or roach motels. And if you just want someone to talk to, please call your gay friend from yoga. Just In Case is an equal opportunity amorous interlude purveyor. We do not discriminate on the basis of race or religion. Only. We age. Because we gotta draw the line somewhere. Like any smart consumer, you're curious about our bona fides. I have a master's degree in reproductive health. And I've spent the last 10 years listening in on Jules' unprecedented undertakings in countless bourgeois. Plus, I have a trick up my sleeve that Jules is unwilling to use. It's true. Aside from that, I taught Justin everything he knows. Think of him as the vanilla to my chocolate. Right. Equally good. Just a matter of choice. But don't take our word for it. Listen to these unpaid testimonials from actual customers. Gareth from Daytona Beach had this to say. My wait has always been an impediment to meeting Mr. Right. Now those days are over. Just In Case Match and Service saw my inner beauty. And for less than the cost of a gym membership, they can see yours too. Sweet Brown from Oklahoma. Oakland shares her thoughts. Just In Case saved my marriage. My husband got the sugar and ain't nobody got time for that. Now Jules, he tight. But that Justin, his tongue like Ali. It float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Thank you, ladies. Just In Case practices the utmost discretion. From our low-key business cards to our nondescript subcompact service kias. Oh, crap. Where are the freaking business cards? They're probably in your fanny pack. Thanks, Jules. Justin and I met at ASU when I played running back for the Devils. Without him, I would not have passed Trig or my piss tests. Jules, I can't find them. Relax. There's more in my briefcase. Oh, thank God. Where's your briefcase? In the back by your Segway. I'll be right back. You'd never know this by looking at them, but Justin is a genius. In 2000, he parlayed his bar mitzvah money into a small fortune by betting that Bush would win the election. He was a big fan of the He blew half his winnings on counterfeit Star Wars collectibles. He used the other half to launch our business. I found him. I found the cards. As with any groundbreaking business venture, there are some legal gray areas, which is why we present our clients with this handsome commemorative keepsake made from 100% lab opal and genuine pewter. The experience is our free gift to you. Hopefully, you've got a man whose pleasure is pleasuring you. Hopefully, you'll never need us. But keep our card handy just in case you do. Thanks, everybody. Goodbye. All right, Jeremy, we're going to go ahead and play the Schmoes theme, and they're going to give us their review of Just In Case Sketchy Characters. All right, Christian. Hey, everybody. What's going on? It's the Schmoes No Show here. Hey, it's Christian Harloff. I am Mark Ells. And we are talking about... Just In Case Sketchy Characters, Christian. That's right. It's a service that they pretty much go in and... Fuck your wife, Mike. That's what it sounded like to me. There was a black guy, a white guy. I picture the white guy having these really big teeth. Maybe. White-ish. It was definitely a white guy. Was it a black guy? Maybe. Or was it just some weird... I feel like he's from the same island that Zoe Saldana's from, where we just don't know what the ethnic background is. Okay. Now, here's the thing, though. Now, as far as... It's these dudes, and they go in, and maybe they bang your wife. Maybe they put something else up in there. We don't know what exactly they're doing, but she leaves with a smile on her face. We know that from listening to their customers, they seem to be pleased. So we know that they're not bullshitting, because it seems like... Unless it was just people they paid off to do the ads. But regardless, you listen to them, and you go, okay, they know what they're doing. The one guy sounds a little more smooth. The music in the background sets the tone well. My problem with it was that I... It felt a little bit like an Apatow movie. Like, there was a lot of big jokes on top. Editing. And then it went a little long. And then you're like, wait a minute. I kind of feel like I'm in the joke. Now it's turning into a serious drama all of a sudden. And then it turns up, he punches hard, and that's why I was like, okay, maybe Adam Sandler's going to show up and eventually leave Leslie Mann's house. We'll never know. See, on the other way, I want to see the director's cut of this thing. I want to see these guys in action. I don't just want to see their commercial for what they do. I want to see how they play on the field together. Because it's not exactly Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. They don't seem like they're complimenting each other. I feel like the brother's doing most of the work in the bedroom. I'm not sure what the white guy's doing unless he's got a calculator or he's playing like a drug dealer on a TI-82. Well, let me ask you a question this, Mark. So let's say you have an unlimited budget. And then out of the two roles that we just heard, if they're reading out, who would you cast out of the actors? Okay, easy. I'd cast myself as the black guy. Come on, come on. I would, as the black guy, that's good. You know who I'm going to go with? I'm going to go with a relatively unknown, the guy that played T-Dog in Walking Dead. Oh, okay. Yeah. He's not unknown. I mean, he was also in Family Matters. What's that? Isn't he? No, he's not Reginald Val Johnson, if that's what you think. Wrong guy then, okay. But he would be fine as well. All right. And for the white guy, I'm going to go with DJ Quails. DJ Quails would be a good one. He's really good. You know what? I'm going to go against type. I'm going another black dude. I'm casting Jaleel White. He had a great nerd in him one time when he played Steve Urkel. He's not smooth enough. He's got Idris Elba in there. That'd be an interesting choice. How about, what about this? It was made into a film. Who would you hire to direct it? I would keep Apatow away from it because I think it would be too long. It would be longer than it is. So what do you think? This was a film. Who would I hire to direct the piece? Look, there's going to be a lot of explosions on screen. There's got to be a lot of stealth stuff going on. Catherine Bigelow, she knocked it out of the park with Zero Dark Thirty. This is another undercover mission in the ways of love. All right. She's my girl. All right. What girl would you cast a love interest? People on the, girls on the phone, customers. Yeah. Well, you had a girl that sounded like from Texas and a girl that sounded like she was from Alabama. Yeah. Their combined IQs may match that of Forrest Gump. I, I'm going to get Blake Lively to play the Southern Belle. That works. I've seen her get dirty already. I want to see Marion Cotillard get even dirtier and I want to see her try to pull off a Southern accent because that'd be interesting. She can't die very well. Let's see if she can do that accent. All right. So we do, if this was a slasher film, what killer would you like to see murder these people? Oh, you got to have Freddy Krueger in there because Freddy Krueger isn't just a murder. He's a comedian. He has witty one-liners. I want to see the back and forth. See, I'm going Freddy Krueger also because I'd like to see these guys go to bed and they're like, oh, I just, I wrecked the shop today and then they have a dream about their day and all the girls that they had slept but then Freddy Krueger just comes in and just slashes him right in the back of the head with his glove. Yeah, and I'm sorry, look, Jason Voorhees, it's just Michael Myers, you're not having enough fun with your craft so we can't put you in this movie. Sal tried to stump me in the last one because I don't know the last. I'll just care of Sal. I know that one but who would you say the character of Justin is more shades of, I'm not even going to say this. I don't even know. And who do you think Justin reminds you of if you're looking into it? I forgot which character Justin was. White guy. Justin was the black guy? White guy. Or the white guy? Justin, Vanilla. He's way too white to be the guy in Rashomon. Ingrid Bergman's summer interlude. I think it reminds me more of Frodo. Yeah. You kind of remind me of Frodo. No, I think he's got, I think he's halfway between Sam and halfway between Gollum, you know? He's got that kind of, he's just going to be, and Gollum, by the way, has a fanny pack. If you go to Gollum, go back and watch Lord of the Rings. He also has a, it's hard to see. I bet you Gollum can crush some tail if he really wanted to. I don't care how disgusting he is. He's got, the guy, especially if he has a conversation with himself, that motherfucker's entertaining. It's like you're having a threesome every time you're in bed with Gollum, really. He's not the best color in the world, though. He gets a little grabby. I don't think really, who cares? Chris, this is working out so much better. We didn't imagine it would work out this good. We got a rating. We didn't rate it. We don't let anybody just run off. We're letting you guys fucking run off. How many stars? How many stars? How many Shmoes do you give him, Mark? Anywhere between four and five stars. Oh, okay. I'm going to go to my classic decimal system here. I am going to give this thing 4.3 out of five Shmoes. Wow. It's pretty high. Pretty high. I'm going to go, I'll be the Grinch that they don't want to come back. I'm going to go 3.5 out of five. I thought it was really entertaining. I like the music. Like I said, just a little long for me. Other than that, I really liked it a lot. I want to know more about these guys. I'm going to norm out the, the ethnic background of the running back from ASU. I'm a big sports fan. And of course, I want to know what's happening in Justin's fanny pack. All right, guys. So for the Shmoes No Show, that's, that's Mark. I'm Christian. And that was the sketchy characters from Sal and Chris. And let's run that Shmoes No theme song one more time. We can't. He deletes it. I'm going to shake my head, you son of a bitch. He deletes it. Thank you, Shmoes. Chris, we have arrived. You know why we have arrived? Because we just got reviewed by the fucking Shmoes. Yeah, I know, man. Congratulations, boys. Wow, this is a special privilege. Sal and I are trying to, to keep from going straight corrupt. But we've already been offered free tickets to a show and no ho from doing this show. Yeah. We're trying not to get too full of ourselves. Free tickets to a show and no ho. I'm performing at a coffee house in Long Beach next week because of this show. Look at that, man. I like that. Before you'll know it, you'll be on the main stage of the Ha Ha Cafe. What's next for the Shmoes? Where, what's next in the next few weeks? Well, we're happy next Thursday the podcast is going to be on the show. Sean Astin's coming on the show and we're going to talk, we're going to be talking Oscar movies and Bonnie Somerville who's on the new show, the golden boy on CBS is going to be on it. We're going to, again, preview of the Oscars, all the categories coming up. It'll be a cool podcast and a ton of movies are coming up to review. Yeah, it's going to be fun talking to Sean Astin about other stuff because the first time we had Sean on the podcast, we talked about Goonies and Encino Man and Lord of the Rings and Rudy and all that stuff. So it's going to be fun to talk to him about the movies that are actually up for awards this year. Right. He wrote a great autobiography. One thing he talked about is losing weight like really rapidly for some role where he's supposed to play a drug addict and now he said it's like permanently damaged his metabolism. Oh, it was Where the Day Takes You, right? I think that might be it. It was a long time ago. He said he just ate steamed vegetables for like a week and a half and he dropped like 10 pounds but it just messed him up bad. Yeah. Yeah, be careful when you're going, you know, when you're doing the weight fluctuation. That's why I stay at a healthy 165 three nights of Taco Bell. Guys, now it's plug time. Please tell our audience where they can see you, where they can hear you. If you have any standup you'd like to plug, tell us where we can find out more about the Schmoes, Mark Ellis, and Christian Harloff. Sure, I'll be at the Houston Improv next week. Next weekend, me and my buddy John Caparulo and then at the end of February, beginning of March, I'll be at the Nashville Zanies for the weekend. And just check out youtube.com slash schmoes know. Trying to get to 60,000 subscribers by the end of the year. We're also having, again, our podcast every Thursday night live 8 to 10 on the toadhobnetwork.com podcast. Backslash F slash schmoes. It's what we say. You subscribe to our YouTube channel, Schmoes Know, and you never pay to see a bad movie again. Nice. Chris, is there any appearances you'd like to plug? I have appearances, Sal, but I have no desire to plug. You don't want to follow them? You don't want to follow them? No, no. I promised Robbie Ravenwood that I would plug. I'm appearing at It's a Grind Coffeehouse. Oh, nice. I have been to that coffeehouse. Yes, sir. I'll be doing a full feature set. Unpaid. Oh, is he? No, you get free coffee. I like that Sal broke the news to you. By the way, you're not getting paid. And I think Sal's there the following week. I think I am appearing there sometimes. We're like their feature entertainers for the evening. I'll also be at Michael's Bar and Grill in Burbank next Tuesday. I've done that room, too. That's a fun show. It's a fun room. It's fun. It's free, free parking. Chris, I want you to hold your head high, my friend. I want you to hold your head high. The muscles in my neck have atrophied. And I will have the pleasure of being a co-host at 2 p.m. today. If you're listening live at 2 p.m. today, I will be a co-host on Devil's in the Details Conspiracy Theory. We're going to be talking about the drug war, the bullshit drug war in America. I will be co-hosting along with Wyme Russell at 2 o'clock. You're listening to Registered Air Offenders, Sal Rodriguez, Chris Z, on skidrowstudios.com every Friday, 1 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Rebroadcast then on Extreme XM 165, Saturdays, 2 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Follow Sal and I on Twitter. I'm ChrisZ34. At Sal Los Angeles, please like our Facebook page. What else, Chris? Oh, and should we mention our rebroadcast tomorrow? Our rebroadcast tomorrow? I just mentioned it. Did you? Yes, Chris. Are you okay? Are you okay? We would like to thank Christian Harloff and Mark Ellis, the schmoes of the Schmoes Know podcast. Thank you for joining us, gentlemen. It's been our pleasure. Thank you, guys. We have arrived, Chris. And if you see Katie Sack off again, tell her I'm not angry anymore. Okay, will do. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. This is Sal Rodriguez along with my co-host, Chris Z. Thank you for listening. We're going to registered ear offenders. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye.