Episode

Hello. Hi, everyone. That was like the weirdest thing. Anywho, good evening. I'm flying semi-solo tonight. And I say semi because I'm waiting on my special guest to arrive. But a mistress couldn't be here tonight. And it's actually kind of perfect because I'm going to have some submissive time with my special guest. And one of the important things of being submissive or rather being a successful submissive is that you can be independent. That you don't have to depend on your D-type for everything. I had a moment. I was having a really hard time opening up this soft drink. And all I could think was, if she was here, she'd open it for me because she's stronger than me. I had to have Sonia open it. She's stronger than me. Yeah. So this will be interesting because there will be no D-type here. And it'll just be me. And. Once this S-type gets. This other S-type gets here, then we're going to have ourselves a ball. But. Going in with that being responsible and being able to take care of yourself. One of the things that I've been learning lately is that we're all responsible for our own personal growth. So, you know, because life happens and, you know, things happen. And. You're not always prepared for them. A lot of times you kind of have to withdraw a little bit from your DS role. Because we all have jobs. We have families. We have other responsibilities. Aside from, you know, the other person that's on the other end of that power exchange relationship. And for the past week. I've just been. Get a little personal here. You know, I've been dealing with some stuff. I've been dealing with some stuff that doesn't necessarily. It doesn't relate to my relationship with my mistress. But there are things that impact me greatly. And anything that impacts me in any other area of my life. Will. It just. It does. Because it just does. I haven't quite mastered that. I haven't really mastered the art of it not affecting me at all times. Even when I'm with mistress. And I've been really. I've been like super like holding back. Because I don't want to. You know, I never. I never want to. What's the word I'm trying to look for? I don't ever want to impose on anyone else. Regardless of whether or not. I'm in a power exchange relationship with them. If they're kinky or whoever. I just. You know. You just learn that there's some things you got to keep to yourself. And today. I was with mistress. We were having lovely vanilla time. It was so lovely. Watching TV. And she was teaching me how to. I don't even remember. Was it crochet? I don't even remember if it was crocheting or knitting. I don't even remember. I can't tell the difference. But anyways. That's besides the point. See funny. Nobody's here to. Like pick on me. Right? Huh? And. We were just sitting there. And I was starting to get more and more anxious. And I just had like this. I had a. You know. An outburst. You know. I was upset. Not because something had happened right then and there. Or because. You know. There was. Nothing was brought up. That was. You know. Of a sensitive nature. I've just been holding back. A lot of stuff. I've been really stressed out. And. I've been. I've been. I've been. I've been. I've been. And so. I let myself. Finally be upset. With her. And. I realized that. Just because I was upset with her. It will. In her presence. Didn't mean that I was. Putting that on her. Or. Stressing her out. Or. Or making her somehow. A part of what. I was going through. What I had been doing. Was. I hadn't been letting her support me. You know. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. How many times. Did someone tell you. Oh. I'm here for you. If you need something. I'm totally here. Call me whenever you want. You know. And. A lot of us say that. To a lot of people. We don't really mean it. Kind of just say it. To be polite. I know. I've heard that a lot. In my life. But. I. You know. It was strange. It was strange. Because. It just. Letting her. Letting her. Hold me. And letting her comfort me. Man. That's. That was. Yeah. So. I just felt like. I needed to share that. And she's. Letting me. You know. I mean. It's. You know. Even though. I. I. Talk to her. About what I'm going through. I know that I'm. Within this experience. That I'm having. I'm growing. And. But. But she's there. She's still there. She hasn't left me alone. But I'm not. You know. I'm not calling her. Why should I. At least I hope. I'm not calling her too much. Well. No. I don't call her. I text her. But anyways. But she's still there. I'm letting her be there with me. I'm not shutting myself out. She relies on me. To take care of myself. She can't have. A broken me. Because then. That makes it kind of hard. To do the things that we do. You know. She. If I'm not in like. The right state of mind. Then. There's some. There's some things that. That you know. She makes fun of me about. That maybe. I can't quite take. You know. She needs me to come over. And help her. Do some domestic stuff. I can't do that. If I have a cold. Or if I have a. You know. Broken leg. Or something. She. She relies on me. To take care of myself. And. She. She's just. You know. It's. Our relationship works. Because I. At least. As much as I try. I try to be as responsible. As I can. Of myself. And. Not let it get to the point. Where it is a one way street. And. Because. Let's face it. That's not even a relationship. You guys. That's like a. I don't know. That's not a relationship. I don't know what it's called. But. But any. In any. In any who. Any who. My guess has just arrived. And let me just tell you guys. She. Is really attractive. And. I really hope. She doesn't mind me saying so. But she has. The prettiest. Vagina. That. There ever was. She really. Really does. How is he right there? Um. You can shut that up. I have no problem with that. She has. A very. Pretty vagina. And. It just. Yeah. Just saying. Just saying. Kind of have a little bit of a friend crush. On her vagina. I don't know if I'm doing this right. You are. I am. You are. You are. You are doing this. Totally. Totally right. And Sonia is coming to do something. Or the other. I'm doing something. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a bit taller. I'm up a little higher. You guys. She's like a fucking Amazon. It's crazy. Anyways. So. Hello. Hello. Hi. You got a little bit lost. Uh. Yes. Yes. Very lost. I think we're lucky that I'm only this late. So. Yeah. No. No. No. We're good. We're good. I figured. If anyone can sort of just. Tap in. Yeah. You'll be good. You just. Just tapping away. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. I was just. Um. Talking about how. As a submissive. You. Have to be responsible for yourself. Oh. Very much so. Yeah. And. Very much so. It's. You know. And it's weird. Because I. That mistress is not here. To take care of me. You gotta take care of yourself. Yes. Which sometimes. I find kind of hard to do. Well. It's hard when you're not. In. You know. The headspace. To do it. I think when you have time. To kind of like. If you're in a relationship. Where. For the most. Part. You can have your. Your mistress. Or your domino. Of any sort. Kind of. Be there. To. To. To lean on. When they're not. And you're not prepared for it. It's like. What do I do? Right. I'm lost. I'm a lost puppy. Yes. Yes. Oh my god. You don't even know. Like. How. Right. That sounds. Well. No. You do. Obviously. Yeah. I do. Yeah. We have some similar experiences. Well then. Tell us. Tell us. I would like to know. Well actually. I already know. But I'm pretty sure. Other people want to know. Okay. How did you. How did you realize. That you were not. A. A. A vanilla. I was a little. A little kinky. I think. Like most people. You start getting clues. When you're younger. What books. You're drawn to. I. I. For some reason. Got into this. Like. Romance. Not romance. Not romance. I was in a novel reading. Club. Of some sort. Which is very. Unlike me. But. What I realized was. That romance novels. Are not. Really about romance. They're really about. Just the sex. The hardcore. Sex scenes. That are in them. That are very often. About. Power play. And there's often. Bondage. And. Bodice ripping. And. All that. And I realized. You could just skip over. Them talking. And just get to. The sex part. And that was really. What I was drawn to. And. The kinkier. The scene. The better. And. Then. That's just sort of. Where my fantasies went. And. Yeah. I think that was probably. My first clue. And that was. Maybe. Eleven. Or something. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Quite young. Yeah. That's not. Yeah. But I think you get. People get clues. Even younger. Oh yeah. Yeah. So. Totally. Totally. I was maybe. Average. I don't know what average is. In any of this. But. What made. Okay. So. Here's the thing. So. You and I met. On. A very. Well. You and I. You and I met. We're actually. Like face to face. Yeah. At a really cool place. Because it was. Yes. Our first time. It was. You were my first. Official kinky person. I met. Yay. I think. I think you were. Yeah. And we met. Going to. A class. Yes. Class about. Why are we. Kinky. Yeah. And I don't know about you. But it was. Way. Less. Intimidating. To go there. During the day. Yes. Much better. Go during the day. Now. That's how. I'll just introduce people. Is what day functions. Can I bring you to a dungeon. For. Because I think people. Have the perception. Of a dungeon. As what you see it in movies. Of it just being that. Like really intense music. And everyone in latex. And leather. Which I wish everyone. Was in latex. And leather. Because that'd be really hot. But it's not. And. You know. You're getting stared down. If you're not. Like known. And it's not. It's kind of. Just normal people. Doing what they want to do. Yeah. Pretty much. I know. That was a scary day. Actually. And I. It was very scary. I would not have gone. If you hadn't said. That you were going to go. So. Yeah. Thank God. You did. So really. All of this. Is your fault. All of this. All of this. Is your fault. So from that day. To now. You can blame all of that. Yeah. On me. And I do. Yeah. Okay. All Nancy's fault. All right. I'm glad we got that straight. Yeah. Yeah. What would you. What would you say. Is like the. You think about. Since that day. Now. Because let's face it. The first time you go to a dungeon. Everything after that. It just kind of. That sets you off. Yeah. You make. I think you make a decision. Really quickly. If. If this is for you. Or if it's not. Maybe not to the degree. But it's like. Am I going to go down this path. A bit. Farther. Am I going to just. You know. Go more than just looking. Now. I'm going to actually. Start doing something. Or. Is this just not. What I was expecting. And not what I want. And. I'll just stay to my. My fantasies. And. Not reality. Did you make that decision. When we went through that afternoon. Or was it. I think so. I mean. I'm kind of a person. Who. I like to go into things. Whole hog. So it's like. If I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it. And. I think I was there. And I was like. Hmm. This has got some. Possibility to it. And. Yeah. I wanted more. I wanted to explore more. I wanted to understand more. If nothing else. I'm very curious about it. And. Even if it's things. That I'm not into. I want to. Know why other people. Are into it. So. Yeah. Because I remember after that. You started going to parties. Very quickly. I did. I did not expect. To go to parties. So quickly. I did not expect. To do any of this. So quickly. Like I said. I'm a person. Who kind of jumps into. Most things really quickly. But. I had planned. To not do it. With this. I was like. No. Jillian. You are going to take your time. You're going to be smart. And responsible. And go slowly. But there were so many. Shiny objects. And. Exciting. Fun things going on. That I just. You know. Someone invites you. You're just like. Well. What do I got to lose? And you go. And then you get. Invited to your next. And the next. And. After that. It's. It's lame. You know. Three times a week. You're at the dungeon. Damn. So. Yeah. I had a. Quite a while. Where I was going. Three to four times. A week. What is there going on? Three to four times a week. Do you want to know that. I spent a great deal of time. At dungeons. Reading tarot cards. Sitting with friends. Having just like. Let's catch up. But let's meet at the dungeon. To catch up. Yeah. So. I had a lot of. Really boring. Vanilla. Type. Nights. At the dungeon. You mean. People don't go there. Just. Just to get their ass beat. Exactly. But. You know. Someone's ass is being beat. In the corner somewhere. So it's sort of nice ambiance. Yes. And it's always funny. To be having a very like. Serious. Emotional. Conversation with someone. When you're sitting on top of like. A cage. And you know. Someone's being whipped. Right next to you. Although. That's probably not. Very polite. So you should be quiet. But. Oh man. Now. Yeah. I got started. Pretty quickly. And I think that. Uh. The. That environment. They notice. When there's a new person. They notice. When there's fresh meat. And. That's. In some ways. Good. Because you get. Invited to things. You get. People really want. To inform you. About everything. That's going on. Uh. But it's also. Can be a bit intimidating. A bit scary. Uh. You really gotta trust. Your own instincts. On stuff. Um. And. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. That. That. I'm glad. That I did everything. I did. And I'm. I mean. I'm continuing to do it. Right. Um. I think that. Maybe a little more caution. Wouldn't have been a bad thing. Taking a little longer. To do it all. Wouldn't have been a bad thing. Yeah. Yeah. I get you. It can just become. Very overwhelming. And all consuming. If you let it. Yeah. But at the time. You were. I mean. At. At the time. When. All of this was happening. And. All this new and exciting stuff. Yeah. Felt good. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It's not. I. I didn't feel. Uh. Yeah. I was up for it all. I was definitely up for it all. It's sort of just hindsight. That says. Hey. You could have taken your time with that. If you wanted to. You didn't have to do it that second. You know. Um. I think. There. For me. There was a bit of a feeling. If I don't do it now. When am I going to do it? And. It really is. Doesn't have to be that way. If you don't. Want it to be. I mean. If you're being smart. And responsible. About it. Then. Hey. Go for it. But. It doesn't always happen that way. I guess. For the most part. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've had a great experience. So. It's not really been. Yeah. Yeah. Because you. I mean. I think. I feel like the unique. The. Well. The unique thing. Thing about you. In comparison to. Other kinky people that I know. Is that you. You've gone through like a life cycle. I have. Of a. Of a. Yeah. Yeah. I. I started out. My. You know. I. I told you about just. Being 11. And having. You know. My interest peaked. But. When I actually started. Doing. Anything. Was when I was living in England. Which was almost. A year and a half ago. Wow. Which. Is a while ago. Because I loved it. And I miss it. But actually. When you think about it. A year and a half. Is not very much time at all. When I happened to meet a couple there. And. You know. We had a. Good old fashioned threesome. And. Good old fashioned threesome. Yeah. Yeah. And. It just ended up. Becoming. A really great relationship. With a couple. Where. We were sort of sharing fantasies. And. It was with Mary Cup. So the husband and I. Ended up. Having a lot of things in common. Fantasy wise. That we wanted to explore. And in a very safe way. In a way of us being like. Hey. This is something we're curious about. Let's just take it one step at a time. We started exploring. Exploring. Sort of. Little play scenarios. Of. Dominant submissive. And so on. And that's what actually. Really got me. When I came back. I was like. Ooh. Now my interest has really been peaked. I need to go out. And search for it in my area. Yeah. And then from there. It went from. You know. Some very light. Some light spanking. Some light sort of. Power exchange. To. Very heavy. Very quickly. Yeah. Yeah. So see. The cool thing though. Is about. Is about. About. Being friends with another submissive. Is that then you can. Hey. Look at this bruise. Hey. Look at this mark. Look what I got. Oh. I took a good. Definitely like little trophies. That you get to share. Or certainly. Mementos. For the occasion. You know. It's. It's. For me. Sometimes. I'm not a huge person. Who loves bruises. I'm not. I don't like to keep my bruises. For as long as I can. Which I know. Some. Submissive. Do you like. But I do like. To have a. Visual. Visual reminder. Of. I took that pain. And I was. You know. In a way. It's really powerful. To me. It's like. I. Can. I don't know what I can say. Yeah. You can say anything you want. Okay. Like. I fucking took that pain. And I. Am. Stronger. And. Just that I'm. I'm a very strong person. To be able to take that. And that's kind of a nice. Reminder of it. Which is. Sort of odd. No. I don't think that's odd at all. But do you. Do you ever like find yourself. Like. Well. When you play. When you bottom to someone. And you. Maybe see someone. Out of the corner of your eye. That's like. Really fucking. Taking some shit. Do you ever have that. Like. Moment of like. Do you ever feel like. Wait a minute. Why can't I do that? Yes. I. And. And for some of it. I've had to realize that. Why do I want to take that pain? You know. Is it just so I can be. Like. Is it a competitiveness. Where I want to be better. Because I'm. I can be. A little bit competitive. Or is it really that. They look like. They're going through something. Very powerful. Or they're working through something. And I want to do that too. And I think. When I'm able to think about it that way. Of I want to be able. To have that type of experience. Where I'm. A lot of times. Taking pain like that. It's about releasing. Whatever's pent up. Or dealing with some issues. And. I think. I could probably deal with the same. Same issues. Or same. Concept. Or whatever. But have it look very different. And that can be okay. You know what I mean? Like I could take. I could. Mentally be taking. What that person's taking. And that physically look different. Yeah. No. Yeah. So. I think. Sometimes. What physically works for someone else. I have to realize. And I think other people have to realize. Is not. Going to be the same for me. It can't be. Or it's not going to work the same way. Yeah. Like. I look at people who do needle play. Or cutting. Or. Anything that involves. Purposely drawing blood. And. While I look at it. And say. Wow. They're taking a lot of pain. They're. They're taking. Whatever. I wish I could do that. But. I really. Really. Hate needles. And I really. Dislike. Cutting myself. In any way. And blood. And. You know. If blood happens on accident. That's fine. But. On purpose. Yeah. It's like. No. I don't think I need to go through that. To have. The same sort of. Emotional experience. That's. Person's. Happening. Yeah. But. Yeah. I definitely. Sometimes. You see him out of the corner of your eye. And you're just like. I kind of want to. I don't know. I want to be able to do that too. Yeah. Yeah. I think. Well. For me. Part of it. I'm not lying. Part of it is that. I want to. I feel like. If I can take more. Then I can please. My dominant. I can. I want to get. Smith's. If you are. Well. Because she's like. A fucking sadist. You know. Yeah. Yes. She is a sadist. And. And so. I feel like. The more. The more I can take. The. More gleeful. She'll be. And I know that she. You know. I make her happy. With what I do take. And she's always like. I know. You can take. You take what you can take. But there's always. In the back of my mind. Where I'm like. I'm waiting for my threshold. To get higher. And higher. And higher. No. I definitely. There's part of me. When I was in. The more serious relationship. DS relationship. I was in. Where I knew. How. Much of a sadist. He was. And certain things. That he wanted to do. That at the moment. I knew. I just couldn't do. And some of it. I was like. I'm pretty sure. I can't ever do it. And there was sort of. A part where I had to realize. And accept that. Even though. He may really want me. To be able to do this. And he. Or he really wants. To be able to do this. With someone. I just. Might not be that someone. Yeah. And. If you're not. In a poly relationship. That's a little. Tricky to understand. That's the good thing. If poly relationships work. Is then you don't have to feel. Quite as much burden. To accomplish all of it. But yeah. I think there's a bit. A part of me. That was. You want to be able. To take something. Or do something. To please the person. You're with. Do you find. That's like a. I don't know. Because I think. At some point. It's almost like. You're compromising. With yourself. It is. You're trying to negotiate. With yourself. Like okay. Can I do this? All right. It's okay. It'll be temporarily. Uncomfortable. Yeah. I take some strength. In that. And some strength. In being like. You know. Pain is only a feeling. Pain is only. You know. Messages. You know. Sent to my brain. About what I'm feeling. It's not actual. That makes no sense. But it's. No. No. It's the things. That you tell yourself. While you're taking pain. You try to. Rationally. You try to rationalize it. I. You know. This is just a feeling. This isn't real. For whatever reason. But I think. There's a part. Where you. You have to say. I can't compromise. Anymore. If you're. If you're. Giving. Everything up. To your dominant. And you're no longer. Enjoying yourself. In it. I don't think. That's the healthiest. Situation. I think. You know. You can make compromises. You can try to push. And grow. As a submissive. Or as a dominant. But I think. There has to be. A certain point. Where you're like. I'm giving up everything. Any pleasure. I get from this. Just to please. My master. Or mistress. Not that. That isn't pleasing itself. But I don't think. That's everything. Yeah. No. I agree. I agree. So. In this. In this journey. That you've been on. Do you. Have you found yourself. At times. Like. Feeling like. Your role. Changes. Do you feel. Feeling like. My what? Your role. As in like. Because. I've heard you. Refer to yourself. As a slave. Yeah. Which there's that. You know. There's that really weird. Like. Technicalities. Between being. Submissive. Or slave. First of all. What does that mean to you? First of all. I think labels. Are kind of bullshit. Right? Yeah. I think they really are bullshit. I think. If you. You can call yourself. Whatever you want to call yourself. Be prepared. To have to explain yourself. Fortunately. And. If people get upset. Be prepared. To tell them to fuck off. Uh. But. I've had. The roles. Explained to me. Many many times. Um. What I got from it. Was a submissive. Is someone. Who. Isn't. Tends to be naturally. Submissive. In demeanor. And usually. Is submissive. In many aspects. Not just to one person. But. Um. Is wanting to please. Those around him. Not just the person. They happen to be. Serving at the moment. Uh. And that might be. A little bit too simplistic. But. The person. A slave is someone. Who. Often. Only for the person. That they are serving. Chooses to submit. Completely. Because of the person. They're with. So it's not. Sometimes you don't have to. Even be a submissive. To be a slave. Which at some point. During my. Journey. I decided that I was. A slave. Not a submissive. Because I'm not. I'm not very submissive. To. In my other life. Or. Or in the rest of my life. To other people. Certainly in the. Um. In the lifestyle. In the scene. I'm not submissive. To anyone. I'm not serving. No you're not. In fact. I'm typically. Uh. Mistaken for a dominant. Uh. And a mistress. Because you're a fucking Amazon. I'm quite tall. I have boots. To match the role. In fact. I'm kind of wearing them. Uh. But I. I think. In my mind. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. You were. Committing yourself. Completely. To someone. Uh. And submitting to that. Someone. Your. Whole body. Soul. All of it. To a person. Um. Who you trusted enough. To. Take care of it. And not mistreat you. And. I think you can be a submissive. And do that too. As it was explained to me. You can be a submissive. And a slave. Or you can just be a slave. Or I guess you could just be a submissive too. Um. Um. I had lots of discussions. With many different people about this. Cause I spent. A long time questioning it. Rebelling against it. Um. My definition for myself. Has changed a lot. Uh. I am no longer either a submissive. Or a slave. Uh. I. I think. I can't. I'm not capable of being. Really either one. Certainly not 24-7. I can have. Moments of it. I can have. Play session. Play dates. I can have. A weekend of it. I can have. I can have. I can have. I can have. I can have. Little snippets. During the day of it. But. I can't be. In that mindset. That role. Of. As a slave. Doing everything. For. Well. With the other person in mind. The whole time. If that makes any sense. Do you think that. Um. Is that because. You feel like. Uh. Your needs aren't completely met. Or. Um. Yeah. Yeah. Because. Yeah. I think so. Because. Some of my needs are. To be a completely. I like being independent. I like. Not relying on someone else. Not that I don't. Want someone there. To support me. And. Care for me. Whatever. I want to want someone. Not to need someone. And. I think. For me. Being in a submissive role. Being in a slave role. Was. Forcing me to need someone else. I was needing someone's permission. To do something. I was needing someone. I needed to make sure. Everything I was doing. Was for the other. You know. Had the other person's. Best interest at heart. What would the other person. Want me to do. Not necessarily. What did I want to do. For myself. So I didn't. It was. Me personally. I didn't feel as strong. As an individual. Being in a 24-7. Submissive. Relationship. That doesn't mean. I don't think. Other people can do it. It's just. For me personally. That didn't meet. All my needs. How. Do you. Did you find. That. Maybe you were. Neglecting yourself. During this time. Yeah. And part of it's. Because I had. An idea of what I was. Supposed to be. As a submissive. I had. You know. Read my. Anne Rice novels. And I had. Read the story of. Oh. And. Any sort of. On. As much online reading. As I could get. And I had. A. What. I sort of. Mashed together. As. What a submissive. Should be. And. I was. I was. Constantly. My first worry. Was this other person. And. So much so. That I was. Neglecting my own. My own life. You know. Yes. I was. Really enthralled. With. The lifestyle. And the scene. And. Trying new things. But. That's not all. That's going on. With my life. I have plenty of other things. And friends. That are. Completely outside of it. That. I started neglecting. Because. I felt like. If. I was in this role. Then I had to be. So. Focused. On this other person. All the time. That they always came first. To a point. Where I could never even say. Hey. I need to have time. To myself. I think you can have. A healthy relationship. Where you don't do that. I just. Didn't figure it out. And so. By the time. It ended. I. Was so. Exhausted. From. Focusing on. Someone else. All the time. And. Not even that. This person. Necessarily. Asked me. To do that. It's just that. I thought. That was what I was supposed. To do. And instead of. Maybe discussing it. With that person. Or. Saying. Hey. We need to. Reestablish what we're doing. And maybe change things around. Or. Hey. What I said. I was at the beginning. Now through self-discovery. I realize I'm not. By the end of it. I was just like. I'm exhausted. Yeah. I'm exhausted. And I haven't. Really thought. About. What I wanted. And I'm. Not where I would have been. Career wise. I felt like. With my friends. Or. Or really outside of the lifestyle. If I hadn't. Been in that relationship. I felt like I would have been further along. Because I would have had more time and energy. To focus on it. Dude. That's intense. Yeah. I mean. It's intense to. Yeah. Have come to. That. Realization. It was very intense. And it took me. A while to realize it. After I was out of it. That. That. That's what was going on. I think. While I was in it. I was so tunnel vision. And. That was really my problem. Is I was so tunnel vision. Doing exactly. What I thought. A submissive should do. That. Everything. All my other needs. Got ignored. All the other people. In my life. Got ignored. So. I learned a lot from it. I learned a lot. From that type of relationship. I learned a lot from it. Because of just the things. That we did. And explored. Yeah. And I. I definitely. Wouldn't. Not have it. Because I've. I've. Grown so much. From being in it. But I also learned. That. A lot of things. That I did. Are not. Not things. I would do again. So. Oh. The mistakes. That we make. But just as important. As you know. The things that weren't. Right. Are the things that went wrong. Have you ever been in some frenzy? Yes. And how. How did you deal with that? Pray tell. Well. How do you define. Sub frenzy? So I can make sure. That I'm answering correctly. Well. I define. Sub frenzy. As like the. I'm so horny. I'm going to hump. Everything in the room. Kind of frenzy. I want to try. Everything. Yeah. Now. I think. I tend to. That's what I tend to poke. I poke. The dominant. I poke. I start. Just pushing for it. You know. So if you're not. Going to give it to me. When I want it. Even without me asking. I'm going to. Try to push. You. To. Force it out of you. You know what I mean? Like popping from the bottom. Kind of poking. Yes. Which is why. I'm not a complete submissive. Also on this journey. I discovered that I'm quite a sadist as well. But I didn't realize it. At the time. Early on. And as a masochist. It was. I was wanting to push it further. Farther. I wanted to play more often. I was pushing. To be played with. More often. And. Of. You know. Literally. I was poking. Poking. Pushing. Prodding. And then we go for you. That's actually something I do with my. Do with my boyfriend now. Actually. I do that more with him. Than anyone else. It's like. I want to. I want to play. I want to. Do something. So. Yeah. I. Sub frenzy. Is. Is tricky. It's. It's really exciting. But it can also be. Not very healthy. Yeah. You can blow up in your face. Yeah. I can definitely blow up in your face. I. Actually. The. It wasn't really in the relationship. That I experienced it too much. It was before I got into that relationship. I had a. A really negative experience. With meeting someone online. Where. I'm not sure if. I think you did tell me. I might have told you something about it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So. It was. I was. Just had met you. I think. And we. Just gone to our first class. Maybe we had gotten. Dinner a couple times. Yeah. By this point. Yeah. And I had met someone online. We had talked for. A good. Long time. Like a week. Where we're talking every single day. A week's not a long time. That's not what I meant. But like we were talking. Yeah. All day. Kind of thing. Yes. I totally remember this. Okay. Yes. You remember it. And. I thought. I was doing all the smart things. That I had learned. Because I was. Reading safety things online. And. Had gone to classes. Where I was making sure. We were trading. What our limits were. And what I was okay with doing. Where I wanted to go. And. And. He. Wanted to meet for coffee. So I said. Okay. I've been on plenty of. Online dating. First date type of deals. I could do coffee. Get to know each other. And. It was the. Moment. That I met him. I went into this. Immediate. I am submissive. I'm going to go. All the way with this. Almost. Unconsciously. I was doing. It. That's scary. It was really scary. Because I ended up. Getting into a. Bad situation. Because of it. And ended up doing. A lot of things. That if I wasn't. If I was in my right. Mind. I would almost say. Yeah. I would not have done. Because I was just. In the. What I would. Definitely call a frenzy. For it. So. Totally. No one should. So you got to be careful. With that. Sometimes I think. Especially in the beginning. When you get hit with it. You have to. To. Hey. Like I. Got to. Take a step back. Got to. You know. Really think about. Why am I feeling this way. Am I feeling this way. Because. It's just. All so new. And it's so exciting. And I want to do everything. Or am I in a safe. Place with someone. Who I know I can trust. And really explore this with. Yeah. And when you're fresh meat. It's all. The more dangerous. Yeah. Because. Oh. Everyone wants to help you out. Yeah. Oh. Totally. Everyone. Oh. You've never felt this before. I'll help you experience it. Yeah. And I think you have to know. That. That is not the only person. That can help you experience it. Nor. Is this the moment. That you have to experience it. I promise you. If you want to get flogged. Or if you want anything else. It. There will be someone. Who is more than willing to do it. Anytime that you are comfortable with it. Yeah. So there's no need to do it. The second. That someone. Offers you it. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's. Fresh meat. And especially submissive women. Oh yes. And then. Fresh meat. Submissive. Attractive women. It's just one of those. I want that. Yeah. At least that's the impression that I get. I think so. I think also. Where we started off. Was one of. The only. Male. Dominant. Female. Submissive. Mainly clubs. Yeah. I mean. They aren't just that. But that's what their kind of focus is. Yeah. And so. You are going to. You are going into. The lion's den. And you are. Certainly being fresh meat. Just the lamb to the slaughter. Totally. Just exactly what it is. But I think. I think that. That particular afternoon that we went. I think it was. It was good. That it. That we ended up going together. Yeah. Oh thank God. I think our experiences would have been a lot different. Had we not gone together. Had we like gone on our own. And just. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think. Yeah. When we went. It was definitely. It was an older crowd. It was. And so. I think there's part of me that would have thought. Oh am I the only one my age. Like. Yeah. Into this. In this area. Which is ridiculous. Right. It's absolutely ridiculous. There's all types of people. All ages. All types of people. All size. Ages. Races. Whatever. Everyone. Everyone's a little kinky. Yeah. I don't know. I think we lucked. Or I certainly lucked out by meeting you when I did. As did I. And experiencing some of the journey with you. The buddy system. Yes. The buddy system's a good one. Yeah. I think if you have someone there who knows you a bit. And who's able to be like. Hey. I'll be there. So. You know. If you're experiencing something for the first time. I can kind of look out for you. Or if we're at a dungeon together. And. You know. We can be with each other. Make each other feel comfortable. So we're not standing there alone. Having just random people approach us. Or you can leave when it feels uncomfortable. I was so scared. Like my first play party. I was just really. I don't know. I just didn't know what to expect. Yeah. And you had already been to a few. So. And I always felt bad. Because I always felt like. Damn it. I should go with her. Because like. Especially the first time that you went. Because I was like. Oh. Fuck. Like. I'm such a horrible new friend. The first time I went to. I think we were both invited. Yes. Right. And. I. I was told a time to be there. And I was like. Okay. I'm going to be late. Because I don't want to be on time. And be like the first person there. And have. Be really. Really obvious. I found where it was. Which is. A very awkward. Kind of strange. Place. And then. I spent. A couple. Minutes. Circling the block. Sort of building up courage. To go. And I was playing. This is kind of embarrassing. But I was playing. Kanye West's. Monster. To pump me up. I was like. Yeah. I'm just going to go in there. And like. Be a badass bitch. And like. You know what I mean? I was like. Dressed up nice. I had. I actually had like. Lingerie on. But I had it on. Under. Like a slightly sexy black dress. Because I was like. Okay. So I can walk in. In my like. Sexy black dress. And if I don't feel comfortable. Taking off the rest. I'm fine. I'm okay. Yeah. And then if I did. And everyone else was in lingerie. And stuff like that. Then I could. Take off the. The. The. The dress over top. So I was trying to be prepared. For all possible scenarios. I had flats in my bag. I was wearing heels. And I also. Was just trying to pump myself up. So that like. I could go in. And if everyone. Just like. Laughed at me. I could just be like. Ah. Fuck you. And go back to my car. And I don't need you people. It really is. To just play like. A good song. That pumps you up. Before you go in. So you just. Think about how awesome you are. Yeah. And then it's. Not intimidating at all. Yeah. No. No. No. Not intimidating at all. Oh no. No. No. I remember. One of the. One of the femdom nights. Mm-hmm. That. You. You got a chance. To cane someone. I did. And you looked so dainty. Because. It was so cute. Because you. See. Because. Well. People are listening. They can't really. See what I'm doing. But. She's so cute. Because she's like. You know. So. Practically. Imagine as if. Though. Someone is taking a sip. From a teacup. And they have their pinky up. That's what she was doing. With the cane. So she'd hit. And just. You know. With her hands up. She'd have one of her hands up. The one that didn't have the cane. And then the other. And the one that did have the cane. Once she would strike. She'd just put it up. Like all cute and stuff. And of course. There's all these guys there. That. I mean. Well. That. That particular night. Is. There's some more older men. That go. Yeah. I think. For whatever reason. That night. At the club. Is. It's sort of hit or miss. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bit hit or miss. So. So here's this girl. In these. Super awesome heels. Super awesome outfit. Because she's like. Total fashionista. Oh my god. Oh my god. That totally reminds me. That at some point. I don't remember what night this was. But I looked so fucking bomb. At the dungeon. And all I could think was. Oh. I wish Jillian was here. So she can see. What I did. Because. I'm not. I don't. I don't do fetish wear. I don't do. I. I. You know what I do is. Whatever's going to come off easiest. And whatever I can put back on. Easiest. That's smart. That's really smart. And you're always wearing cute dresses. That do it. Yeah. You know what I mean. You're not like. Some people come in like. Sweatpants. Which I just kind of. Got to roll my eyes at. Yeah. You don't have to go in your full. Latex deal. I understand that. I got stuck in a latex dress once. I really. I understand. I did tell you the story about getting stuck. No. Okay. That. That might be the next story. But I feel. Part of fetish. And part of. This lifestyle. Is the. The aesthetic appeal. So I really appreciate it. When people take the time to. You know. Throw on something nice. Doesn't have to be. Too crazy. But. Yeah. Because you're not going to work. You're not going to. The corner bar. Yeah. You're going to. Really. Another world. Yeah. Where. There's these totally different social norms. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't kill you to fucking dress. Yeah. But even. And guys too. Because usually. Sometimes you'll see the girls who come in. And like. The seven inch. Platform stripper heels. And they got the little mini skirt on. And they look like they're about to topple over. Like clearly they're putting in the effort. Hell yeah. And then you got like the guy. Who's wearing ripped jeans and flip flops. And you're like. No. No. Step it up a little. Yeah. Just a little. You know. I. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. Dress up. Like. Dress up. But I always figure. Like. I want to be like a gift. That my D type. Unwraps. You know. I think that's a nice way to think about it. You know. I want to. I want. I want to wear something. That. That is appealing to her. And that makes her want to beat me up. I don't know. And you want to make the. You want to make her proud. I do. Yeah. You want to make her proud. That. That. She's got you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Other people don't. I mean. They can be jealous. Exactly. And I mean. I don't care too much for the men. That are around. Yes. But still. I want. To. To still have that. Like. Hey. Look at me. Oh. But guess what. Look at this collar. You can't have me. Just saying. So. What is this about you getting stuck in a dress? Okay. So. I. I love. I love. Dressing up. I love. Latex. I love the appearance of it. And I went to. One of the fetish stores. And I. Was determined. Because it had these rows and rows of latex. And I was like. I'm just going to try one on. You know. They're kind of expensive. But maybe if I find something I really like. I'll save up for it. So I want to try something on. And I. I have no experience with latex. So I thought. I'm going to be smart. And ask. The. The lady working there. To help me out. And say. You know. What should be my first piece of latex I try on. So I'm thinking. Something nice and easy. That zips up. Yeah. That is. Has like a full skirt to it. Like a little dress with the. A. A. Circle skirt. And. She pulls out. What looks like a tube. She says. This is the most flattering thing on everyone. This should really be everyone's first piece. And she's like. It's an underbust dress. Underbust. Underbust dress. So. It is. Actually. It is literally. A tube. That goes under your bust. And then all the way past your knees. Oh my god. As like a pencil dress. So. This is kind of like a hobble skirt. Yes. Like a hobble skirt. And I was like. Okay. If you are sure. And positive. And she's like. This will be your size. And I was like. Are you sure? Sometimes people give me sizes that are too small. Like maybe you got to go up one. Just to be sure. She's like. No. This will fit you. There's some baby powder in there. And it's the middle of summer. And I'm sweating already. And I'm in this tiny little dressing room. And I have a friend with me. Thank god. And I'm in my underwear. And I've taken off my bra. Because I thought that's going to get in the way. But I just. For. I just wanted to keep my underwear as like one piece. To just. So I'm not completely naked. Yeah. In this dressing room. And I'm pulling it down. Over my head. Because I thought. Again. That would be the easiest thing. The entire skirt gets stuck. Like a rubber band. Right under my arms. So my arms are stuck up in the air. Over my head. My boobs are pushed. Squished down. All. However. Like. All yard of fabric. Is. Is. In a band. Cutting off my circulation. Ouch. And. I don't know how to. I can't pull it down. I can't pull it up. I'm stuck here. All of the baby powder that's on me. Is becoming like a paste. With the sweat now. Because I'm just like freaking out. Sounds like predicament. These are chunks of pieces. I was like. Shit. I'm going to ruin it. A dress that I can't even get into. I'm going to have to buy. So then. I like. Quietly call over my friend. And. And I was like. You got to help me get out of this. I'm stuck. So then we spend. And she's about half my height. She's really short. So I have to get on my knees. I'm naked on my knees. In the dressing room. With my arms up in my head. And she's there holding it. Jumping up and down. To try to pull it over my head. And it's like inching slowly. And I remember we get to a point. Where. Now. The dress is stretched out. Up towards like my wrist. So I'm. My head is now encased. Inside. And I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. I'm like. This latex dress. And I'm like freaking. I'm kind of having a panic attack. Yeah. Because I'm a little claustrophobic. And I'm just. I start like yelling at to her. And I'm just like. It's like I'm stuck in a balloon. I'm stuck in a balloon. And. Why. No one heard me outside. And came rushing in. I don't know. Finally we got myself out. And I was like. This is not. No. I think. I love the look of latex. But any latex in the future. Is going to be zipped up. Or laced in. And something. That I can easily get out of. Because that was a painful. That sounds like a nightmare. Painful experience. But really funny. So it's a story to tell. So you know. I got something from it. Have you ever had any like. Funny slip ups. While playing. Oh. Slip ups. I tend to kick a lot. Like. I kick. And. Because I wear heels. And I wear a lot of spiked heels. It's really easy for me. To. To. Now kick in the groin. The person who's hitting me. Because it just tends to be. That my height lines up. With. Yes. You know. Yeah. That when I'm bent over something. I tend to just kick back. Involuntarily. And who's ever there. Might be in the way. But I don't think I've had anything. Too big. Or too funny. It's just been kind of. Little things. That I. I have no. I'm a. Submissive. Who has no problem laughing. At a dominant. When they get hit. By their own whip. I think it's the funniest thing ever. When something comes back. And flies in their face. And it's just like. Yeah. That's karma. That's. Oh wow. Which is funny. Because I. You know. We're both there. Consensually doing it. Because we enjoy it. Right. There's. That's the sadist part of me. Comes out in those moments. Yeah. Okay. So. Wait. So then. Does that mean then. Okay. See. Because I'm not. I'm not stuck on labels. But I guess I'm. I'm trying to. What would I call myself? No. No. Well. Yes. But no. Okay. I'm saying more in terms of like. As. As your journey has progressed. You've changed a lot. Oh yes. You've changed a lot. Very much. Your interests have changed a lot. Yeah. And so. I guess. I don't know. Because when I. When I met you. You were very. Very gung ho. About being submissive. Yeah. And even. And I remember like our first. After. After we were at the dungeon that afternoon. And we went to dinner. And we had totally like this excited conversation. Yeah. About like. Our submissive. Yeah. Desires. And how excited we were. Yeah. I'm pretty. Sure. At that dinner. I said that I was into domestic. Servitude. Or something like that. Which. Was the biggest piece of bullshit ever. I can't think of anything worse. Than cleaning someone's house for fun. Or doing their dishes. Or their laundry. Like if it has to get done. That's fine. Like that's just. Life. Laundry has to get done. But I get no pleasure. In doing it for someone. And I'm pretty. Sure. There was. A period of time. Where I was super. Super. Into. The idea. Of doing it. And then. I did it once. And I was like. I. Don't know why anyone enjoys this. I don't know. I do. I know. You're crazy to me. I don't. I don't get it. Your mistress is very lucky. Is all I gotta say. Cause. I do not get. How people enjoy that. But. You know. I give more power to you. If you do. Cause I'm not one of them. See. Because. So. You know. That. That. That was. Roughly. That's. That was roughly about a year ago. Yeah. Yeah. Actually. Cause we met last February. There we go. It's literally almost a year. Oh my god. Our anniversary. It's our subversary. Yes. I. I think I had very. Like. A very. Somehow. A very. Somehow. Solid idea. In my head. Of who I was. In a submissive. As a submissive. Um. Before. I got involved in it. I think. I was. Sort of living. In my fantasy world. Of it. And I'm sure. In my fantasy world. I still enjoy. Domestic servitude. Um. But. Things are different. In reality. Yeah. No kidding. And. What in your fantasy. Can be. Oh. The. Hot. Two minutes. Of me. Naked. Scrubbing your floor. Before we. Fuck. In reality. Is. You. Two hours. Scrubbing the floor. And then being too tired. To do anything. And. You know. Yeah. The. Very different things. Very different. Very different things. So that can stay. In fantasy world. I. I think it's learning. What. What can become reality. And what needs to stay fantasy. And. What. Was something you never thought. You would enjoy. That now suddenly. Is really hot to do. In reality. Yeah. Yeah. So now. Now as. Since it's been a year. Since then. What are your. Um. What are your. In your future. What do you. What do you hope for. In. In. In DS. Okay. Um. Well I'm in. What. I'm sure to. To the people in the lifestyle. Would be considered very much. A vanilla relationship. Uh. Though to people. In. What we would call vanilla relationships. Isn't. Because. Uh. While we don't have 24 7. Anything. Um. Um. We. Are sort of. Exploring. What's kinky to us. What we enjoy doing. Um. Going periods of time. Of. Extended periods of times. Where. Uh. I'm in this. Missive role. Um. But I also have. I need to have moments. Where I'm. Okay to be dominant. In my own thing. I. I don't have. A desire to be dominant. Towards him. Um. I am a bit of a sadist. In my. My poking him. But I think we figured out. That my reason. For poking him. Is sometimes. To get him to. Uh. Be sadistic. Towards me. It's like. Push. Push. Push. Push. Push. Until you come back. Um. But. But we kind of have that established. As okay to do. I think. That can be. A little scary. If you don't know. Who you're doing it with. Yeah. And you don't know. What's going to come back at you. When you kind of. Push that person's. Person's button. Uh. Yeah. So. I'm. Interested in. I'm more interested. In exploring. The different types of play. That I didn't have a chance. To explore before. With a person. Who I really. Trust. And I know. Uh. Will kind of respect me. And honor me. Throughout it all. And has really. My best interests. At heart. Um. What I kind of. Is new. That I've gotten into. Really recently. Actually. Is a bit of pet play. And. Good. A good. Uh. Segway. Because I was going to ask you. About. About. Gimme Paws. Yes. Gimme Paws. I just started. I. I think I started it. Maybe a month ago. Though I've done now. A couple conventions. Um. Was. Is. My. Uh. Business doing. Pet play. And cosplay. And sort of fantasy wear. But like. Ears. And paws. And tails. And. You find stuff out there. But it's. For me. I like. Cuter. Things. I want to be fluffy. I want to. I want to have personality. To. Sure. The type of. Animal. That I like to take on. Um. And I'm not very far into it. People have very elaborate. Uh. Characters. And animals. And they have names. And they have traits. And they'll. They'll go into. Um. This. This animal. For long periods of time. And it's really quite interesting. To watch. I'm not sure if you. You were there. With me. For the pet play. Uh. I believe you were. Maybe not. No. For. I went. I went to a pet play. Uh. Class. Where I sort of. Watched people. Oh. Wait. No. I think I was there. Yes. I was there. Sorry. Yes. And it was really interesting. How quickly. People who were new to it. Took on. An animal. Really quickly. And had a lot of fun with it. And other people. Who had been doing it for years. Had such. An elaborate back story. And. Um. A character. That had. A very particular personality. And I. What I love about it. Is. Is. For all the things. That people take. Really. Really seriously. In the scene. And the lifestyle. Too seriously. Safety. You can never be too serious about. Sure. But. Everything else. You know. This isn't life for death. The safety part is. But everything else isn't. Um. And I think you should really enjoy yourself. And it almost feels like. When I saw those people. Doing it. They were just really happy. Having fun. It was a way to let out. Particular parts of their personality. Yeah. And. And. Uh. When I sort of realized. In. The. Relationship I'm in. Now. Is that. Even though. You know. He's coming from a place of having. Really little to no. Uh. Kink experience. Other than. I. When I first met him. I asked him if he had any fetishes. And he said no. My fetish is. Uh. Dating girls who have fetishes. So. That's really smooth. That's really smooth. And I think I. I beat all the other girls. So. With having the most. Kink. And fetishes. So. I think he has some. Experience. With it. But. Not. Not to the degree. That I'm into it. But we sort of naturally found. That I kind of would go. Into sometimes. A little bit of. Uh. Like a kitty. Or puppy. Role play with it. And it's not as. Um. Intense as some people do. It just kind of. Is more mannerisms. And things. That are coming out. So I'm exploring that. And. Um. Working on the. Uh. Gimme pause. Has really. Sort of let me explore. That a bit more. And really get into conversation. With people about it. I've. Like I said. I've been doing a couple. Conventions. And I've had people. Come up to me. Being like. You know. I did the standard. Animals. I have dogs. And cats. And bunnies. And um. Foxes. And ponies. And even some. That I thought. Like I did teddy bear. That's really. I didn't think people. Would actually be into it. I just thought. That was fun. And maybe there'd be. One off. Who likes it. But I've had people. Come up to me. And be like. I'm a koala bear. You make me something. For a koala bear. Which is really cute. And she. And understanding. Why they were. A koala bear. Of all things. And she's like. Well I like. That they cling to things. They really hold on. And um. You know. Liking the aesthetic. As well. Or someone else. I have a pony set. Actually it's a unicorn set. Uh. But. Oh it's a really awesome. Unicorn too. Um. And a girl coming up to me. And being like. Do you make goats? And I was like. I never thought. Of wanting to be a goat. Before. But yeah. I'll make you a goat outfit. Fuck yeah. So I think it's. It's really. It's one of the really. Fun. And often light hearted. Parts. Yeah. Of. Of. This whole kinky world. You know. I think. It's the part. Where you don't have to. Be in um. You know there's protocol to it. If you want there to be. But. You kind of just let. Whatever. Animal part of you loose. To just. You make it your own. Yeah. You make it. Your own. And sometimes. That can be a little bratty. Sometimes. That can be a little feisty. Or it can be very shy. And. Skittish. But. I don't know. It's fun. So. Yeah. That's a little bit. New to me. And I'm not sure. How far I'll end up. Going down the road. But I'm. I'm enjoying. Exploring it a bit. That's good. Well. We are out of time. But. Before we go. Where can people. Find you online? You can. You can find me. Give me pause. At. Give me pause. Dot com. Which is. G. I. M. M. E. P. A. W. S. Dot com. Or you can find me on. Fet life. As iron kitty. And I think that's pretty much it. Yeah. Well. And she tweets too. She. Oh. I do tweet. She's iron. Underscore. Kitty. On Twitter. And let me just tell you. She tweets. You are very diverse. When you're tweeting. I am very diverse. I. I went for a period of time. Where I'm. Pretty. Sure. I was just writing porn. For a while. I was just. Really just writing porn. And then I got really into Tumblr. So I think everyone got stuck. With a bunch of random pictures. And now I'm trying to. To maybe find some happy medium. Of porn. Pictures. And. Just daily life. Yeah. I get you. Although I'm pretty sure daily life. Is the most boring part. So. No. But sometimes you need boring. Yeah. Sometimes you need boring. Just to take breaks. Between every. All the porn and pictures. Totally. Well. For those of you that have. Hey Jeremy. Please download our previous episodes. On iTunes. Download the Stitcher app. You can also listen through. To previous episodes. Through Stitcher. And. And Skid Row Studios. Has their own app. If you have an iPhone. So please go ahead. And download that. And. Follow the Love Byte. On Twitter. That's the. Underscore. Love. Underscore. Byte. B. I. T. E. And like our Facebook page. So. I'll probably be back next week. I don't know. Every. Every single week. Okay. So every Sunday. We're like. What are we going to talk about next Sunday? Yeah. I have no idea. We will just. Pull something out of our ass. Hopefully. It's not a butt plug. That has been lodged in there. All right then. Well. Have a good night everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.