Panel discusses Crisco man, baby-for-truck trade, and caller Hank's hooker habit

Hello everybody, welcome to Saturday 2 o'clock here at Skid Row Studios Down in downtown Los Angeles It is Saturday 2 o'clock That means it is time for a new episode of Bad Advice I am your host, Drew Marks Every week I am joined by a panel of very funny people This week is no different We have a regular Ken August Host of the weekly wrap-up Happy to be here We have Ron Swallow, comedian extraordinaire And I am a very sexy man Yes he is The sexiest man you will ever hear I sound very hot You do, and you know what? The person I'm going to introduce now Man Just seeing the two of you next to each other Is almost too much to take We have very funny for the first time here Melissa Potamy Welcome, welcome Padami Padami just sounds sexual So that's why I didn't want to say it I was going to say that God, I got punani all through high school Yeah You didn't like Dick then? You got punani instead? That's not bad So we have punami and a guy named Ron Swallow This is a very sexual show And we haven't even started It's a fine seating arrangement And your last name is Marks I don't know what that has to do with sex When your first name is Drew, Drew Marks Yeah We got Drew Marks This is horrible And your brother Skid Well, brother and sister named Skid and Stretch Yeah That's a horrible joke And yet that's the one people only remember Yes Thank you Over in the corner A very funny Very old friend of mine in comedy We used to do a tour together Bon Ogle is here Yes, and I would like to say that Ron is very sexy And I'm sitting right across from him Yeah, how you doing? That's not creepy If only your legs were longer That's not his leg I'm gonna need therapy Can I trade seats with you, Melissa? Yeah, totally Wow And who's the guy with asthma? Yeah Sitting in on the grown mic today Jason Rohrbacher What up, what up? What up? Good to have you here Well, listen For those of you who might be unfamiliar with the show Bad advice is We are here to help you People, whether they want help or not We do have people that submit questions You can do that on our website Just go to the Bad Advice Facebook page Or you can submit it to BadAdviceFun at gmail.com Make sure you like us on Facebook You can also call us live You can call if you have a question Or if you just want to join the conversation The number here At Skid Row Studio is 800-893-9562 So give us a call Have some fun We're gonna jump right into it Our first story Today This one comes to us From Where the hell is this guy from? He is from Iowa, I believe Yeah, of course Huge difference in the story, by the way Yeah, I know it Okay, well apparently It's amazing that cops were able to even Slip handcuffs on Chad William Forber Considering that he was covered Head to toe in Crisco When he was arrested Apparently Forber, age 41, was arrested By police in downtown Rock Island, Iowa Who were responding to a call Regarding a naked man's death The suspect was a naked man Officers say the suspect was naked And carrying his shorts As well as a can of Crisco He had lathered himself up in Crisco And he was covered in grease And holding the can under his arm When asked what he was doing He just told police I was looking for a place to party Look, I'm not gonna lie When I'm looking for a place to party It is always Crisco Always covered in Crisco Exactly Also, I love that these stories The flaky crust Always say the person's age As if it really matters It's okay if you do it when you're 24 He had been 44 He's way past naked Crisco age Exactly When you're imagining that in your head later During the fantasy You kind of want to be able to know the age I want to be about 22 or 23 I understand being prepared Maybe you have a condom in your wallet But really, you have high expectations If you're lubing up your entire body Also, what's his definition of party? That Crisco is what's necessary He not only smothered himself in Crisco He brought the can in case he needed to relather it later on Either that or if you find a friend There's nothing worse than being halfway through Whatever this guy thinks he's doing Shit, I wish I had more Crisco We are dealing with a former Boy Scout That is prepared for anything I like that That's very good Looking for a strawberry shortcake Throw her in the oven Listen, I grew up in Nebraska And I can explain that to you I'm going to test This is pretty standard behavior for Iowa I don't even know if this is a story Really? Okay Once you're on meth, pretty much Nothing else matters, I think You're fine Isn't that what's going on in Iowa? Crisco A little advice If you are wearing Crisco Don't sit too near a campfire That's flammable? That's good advice Is it flame retardant? No, no It actually makes you heat up quicker That's what she used to fry things But it'll give you a really golden brown skin You might look delicious And he'll smell tasty I bet My arm is delicious after that See, my advice is I say, you know I've learned something My advice is for me I'm going to try this Really? For me, if it's not straight lard I'm not rubbing it on my body I'm a straight lard man I'm traditional I would like to know Where to draw the line, my man I'm peanut butter Because I love peanut butter Well, yeah Ron Is there a picture of the man? Maybe peanut butter is You know what? You know what? Fair enough Before you tell me Let me guess He looks like me He's short hair, yes I was going to say He's a long haired, white, heavy set guy Always a white guy Oh, it's always a white guy He's not a brother That is covering himself in Crisco Fucking white people Maybe Cocoa Butter If you look like me And you cover yourself with Crisco It might help You always go for what might be that thing That does that one woman Who has some weird To pay a little attention Well, they say there's someone for everyone Was it neck down? Or did he have his hair in that? Entire body Well, I don't know if his head was covered I love this first sentence It's amazing that cops were able to slip handcuffs On Chad William Forber Considering he was covered in Crisco I only let people slip handcuffs on me When I'm covered in Crisco That's when I'm ready Alright, our next story This one I like this story actually And that's I say that But it's kind of a sad story That doesn't surprise me at all But it's not At least one death I'm assuming If you like the story Yes Okay, fair enough When Kimberly Riggs got out of church last Sunday The 40-year-old mother decided to let her 15-year-old daughter Practice driving in the parking lot Always smart Eyewitnesses said the car suddenly lurched backward Hitting the woman from Batavia, Ohio With the open door and knocking her to the ground The teenage driver then veered left onto the street But stopped before she accelerated the car forward And re-entered the lot But the inexperienced girl drove through a fence Into a backyard And then hit the back of a house Then when she reversed back into the parking lot The daughter did a 180-degree turn And struck Riggs again This time pinning her against the fence Yeah, sounds like an accident That next led to Riggs' death This is a stunt driver killing someone Can you imagine that insurance claim on Monday? Geico? You're not gonna believe this one Is that an act of God? They don't First of all, does it say if she left the house? Or if she left the church early? Because that would make sense to me Because I would assume Jesus was still inside He wasn't paying attention to Shakey behind the wheel I guess That's my guess I love how so many accidents happen Whenever people are either leaving or heading to church Yeah Well, I think this kind of attests to the fact That too many young drivers are basing real life experiences On Mario Kart That is where I learned to drive Grand Theft Auto and Mario Kart, exactly No, I like this one They quoted the police officer He says, in 35 years of law enforcement I've never seen anything like this It's hard to grasp Well, yeah, they work in whatever town that was It's not like this happened in New York, is it? I mean, yeah, I've never seen anything like that before What do you think of what this chick did, though? I mean, it was like stunt driving She managed to Yeah, if you've seen this happen And hit her mother not once That's what I'm saying, it's Grand Theft Auto If she was getting a blow job while she was doing it Then it's Grand Theft Auto If she got out and then stabbed her in the face a couple times She was getting a blow job That's what I laughed about Maybe she has a dick, I don't know You know, if that lady had been covered in Crisco If her mother was covered in Crisco She might have survived Well, if she didn't get the fence out of her ass anyway Well, maybe she was texting 911 That's a driving thing For safety Help, daughter may hit me a second time Done At that point it's on purpose, don't you think? The second time she hit the mother? What do you think confession's gonna be like next time? I mean, 180 degree turn Forgive me, father, for I have driven Where can we make this confession Since I drove through the confessional Where is your mother now? Well, she's in the trunk of my car They're not gonna hold this against the girl When she tries to get her license, are they? That would suck Was the DMV guy sitting in the passenger seat at the time? Yeah, go left, go left You know what, I'm gonna give you a C- That's also gotta be fun to explain to dad When you get home, so how was church? Funny thing happened And by funny, I mean funny I don't like to laugh at death, but I will Alright, you don't wanna laugh at death So any advice? Take the bus Actually, this is my advice to all kids If you want to kill your parents Just ask them to teach you how to drive And then drive badly Quote, unquote Ron's got the little finger quotes going Badly Make it look like an accident That's a good one, that's a good one I accidentally killed my dad Oops That's what you get for beating me And suddenly Ron's laying on a couch I don't know how that happened If you have an uplifting story Join us here on Bad Advice By calling 800-893-9562 Cause, you know Ron's our happy person today Dude, I'm so happy You are, you look happy Can I say this? If anybody's listening and they're sitting here thinking Oh, that story where the girl drove over her mom twice Reminds me of something Let me call in I don't wanna talk to that person, is all I'm saying I do Well listen, we'll go on to the next story then This one Apparently, bystanders in St. Paul Were scandalized To see a man named Brian Wojcicki Performing a graphic sex act On a white dildo While driving down the road They say cars honked And Bon? Another guy looks like you Never trust a white dildo It says cars honked at the apparent exhibitionist To quote unquote, shoo him away Was he giving a blow job? What was he doing? It just says graphic sexual act I know with your imagination I would assume That's why he'd be driving while jamming in his ass Was he driving? He was driving It says cops claim they found a piece of erotic hardware In Wojcicki's shirt And noticed several pairs of women's on drugs And were wearing underwear Duh Nothing illegal yet During the pat down, Wojcicki informed cops That the vibrating noise they heard Was another pleasurable device But it doesn't say where they found that one Yeah He was putting a dildo in his ass While blowing another dildo while driving This is a multitasking man That's impressive I don't think there's laws against texting while driving But nothing on the books about this Dildo in the ass I think is completely legal Was it a hands free dildo? Well Legally you can do that And honestly on any given Saturday I've got a car full of ladies underwear Can we do that? I mean really that's not that It's the vibrating part that gets me in this story Yeah that's hilarious Now the other thing is because it's Minnesota I just think it's funny They're so racist It was a white dildo You never trust a white dildo You're a black one You're a black dildo What is the difference between a plain sex act And a graphic sex act That's another good question I love when they put those descriptors Yeah like what would be the difference If you were doing it graphically A modest sex act I'm just guessing but I'm thinking if he was kind of like Deep throating it versus just kind of giving it a little lick How far he shoves it in You think is the difference That's how graphic it becomes? Is that the vent diagram? I'm just saying if she was like eating a banana And just sort of like tickling the end of it I'd be like oh she's doing something a little sexual But if she's jamming the thing down her throat For the love of God It's become more sexual Can we get a banana in here? Listen I'll take the banana first of all But I want to know why were people slowing down to honk I do a lot of crazy things I feel like my car is the center of the universe No one honks at me No one's ever looking That's true Like you have shit to do in Minneapolis your job is I guarantee if you're doing anything with the word graphic in front of it while you're driving People will honk He's got the windows open going Here's the thing people can't People listening can't see this thing But if you look up the picture here's the difference Melissa If I see him Doing something in a car I too am going to shoo him away I pretty much would shoo him away And you I'm going to be like I just want to join that lane Pretend you can't see it like just drive next to me I'm going to roll my window down and be like hey what's your number Right I would like to claim that this guy looks slightly more like Bon than the other guy Yeah At the end of the show we'll pick out which one looks most like me Alright Who's the Bonniest Who's the Bonniest of them all Does the story give his phone number So I think the advice here is Call me Don't be a racist Get a multi-colored dildo Yeah get a rainbow one No that would be gay The lady's underwear is straight The cops not able to hear but not see the vibrating dildo Also let's be honest That's not gay He was smuggling it Or just keeping it warm Can I just say I love the gays But they have stolen the rainbow from us They've stolen the rainbow I love the rainbow I can't put a rainbow on my car When it rained the other day and we saw one Don't look directly at it I think it also ruined it for Skittles I just think they made it more fun I'm still fucking my rainbow bright doll Does that make me gay That's like the republicans stealing the american flag Nothing is ever going to make you stop doing that I love my rainbow bright doll That's all I'm saying I like this Bon this next story doesn't look like you at all A south Florida man with an unfortunate name Was arrested last Friday On a litany of charges in Fort Lauderdale Apparently Mr. Jack Me Off Mud No He was a black man Age 54 was arrested on charges of assault Disorderly conduct Resisting an officer Possession of alcohol in an open container And violation of probation I wonder why a guy with a name like that would have trouble in life Mr. Jack Me Off Mud That's a messed up life Imagine going to kindergarten the first day of school How do you spell How does his name spell Just like it sounds Jack Me Off J-A-C-K-M-E-O-F-F Last name Mud M-U-D-D I have a feeling he wasn't the planned child Oh right Two D's in mud That changes everything I barely hear anything strange now at all That's a classic last name right there The reason I love this story This is what it says afterwards Mud is not the first jailbird to have a strange name of course Apparently in Wisconsin Police booked Ready for this B-Zow-Doo-Doo-Zoo-Bit-Bop-Bop Now I am from Wisconsin Big surprise Really? Do you know B-Zow? And I never met B-Zoo-B-Zoo-Boot-Boot-Bee-Dee-Dah-Bop Listen call him right B-Zow-Doo-Doo-Zippity-Bop-Bop-Bop I mean they named him after like a song A jazz song See I would just assume whoever was typing up the birth certificate had a stroke Right The right side of their brains blew out I was thinking more epileptic fit Oh you know what you actually deal more in that field So yeah I'd like to change my answer To epileptic fit please I think the advice here is parents stop trying to be creative with names Oh that would be great if that guy married Ron and he'd be Jack Meoff Swallow That would be awesome That would be awesome Is gay marriage legal in Wisconsin? I don't see why we wouldn't add an and in here Well that should be the middle name Well that should be the middle name Jack Meoff and Swallow Jack Meoff and A-N-N That would be and swallow There ya go, so then if you're going to have that for a first-time. But it works for what we're trying to do here. I actually knew someone in school that, you know, that's why, like, people, you talk, they've made fun of your name, you know, Panani. There was someone that they had Dewan. They had two kids, Dewan, and the other one was D'Odoan. No. Yes. No, you're getting yourself confused with, like, a Mr. Cotter joke. No, wait a minute. He's from New Jersey. I can vouch for this. They do that in New Jersey. That's horrible. Isn't it? Who would do that to their kids? I mean, my last name is my last name. There's not much you can do about it. But the first name, Ron. Ron. I'm Ron. I'm the third, and it was between Kenneth and Drain on our finances. They went first. I had a teacher in high school. His real legal name was Richard Greaser. That's nice. And we called him Dick Greaser. You got them right. You called him Dick Greaser. Our vice principal at Del Norte High School was Brown Harry Dick backwards. Richard Harry, Rich H. Brown. Really? You see, now, the janitor, I remember when I was in grammar school, we always used to make fun because the janitor to the school, the nice guy, his name was Jerry Dick, but his wife's name was Iona. That's awesome. That is amazing. Inaccurate, probably, in that case. But awesome. It's true. People, it's like just enough with the creativity. My science teacher's name was Mr. Jensen. That's out of control. And you rein it in. I know that's wild, isn't it? Vaughn, it's a family show. Come on, Vaughn. That's weird because my... I just felt left out. I didn't have a place to do a thing. I just wanted to bring up one of my teachers. My shop teacher was Mustache Molester. I'm sure that was his name. And he wasn't a good shop teacher. He had three fingers. My shop teacher had three fingers. I'm just glad he only had three fingers. He really did. If you know what I'm saying. Wow. I've got three fingers, but then I have another one in a thumb to go with it. Well, here's one you might like. Okay, we're just going to move on. Vaughn, capture the non-joke. This is a fun one. A Kentucky mother traded her newborn son for a truck. Well, natch. This was according to Laurel County Sheriff's Office. It's one child down in Kentucky, I believe. Drive any car away, one child down. Apparently, Heather Kaminsky, age 30, handed her baby to Jamie and Jeremy Brown in January and then proceeded to sell the truck for $800 plus some meth. Well, of course. Police discovered the scheme when Kaminsky was a young man and tried to sell the vehicle. They arrested the Browns and charged them with human trafficking. Okay. I believe I saw the ad for that. It was looking to trade almost mint condition baby. Low miles, late model. Answers to anything you call it still. Answers to food, I believe. It's nice. It's pretty good. For a truck and some meth. And some meth. You got to wonder what the condition of even the vehicle. Are you getting... Because I understand... It's a nice truck. That's not a good truck. You think they haggled? Well... Is that what you're suggesting? Is that what you're suggesting? Everything's relative. No, I mean, like, it's... What kind of truck was it? What kind of kid was it? Yeah. Was it, you know, a fully functioning kid? Or was it, like, maybe it was messed up? Or was it a downsy? It could have... A downsy is... Dad, you're going to get a Ford Max, no Toyota for that. I mean, really. Yeah. I mean, like, show me the kid facts. Yeah. It's not a kid fact. Because, no, it could have been, like, one of those... Like, because you... Jason, you work with insurance, right? I do. So, when they sell cars, it could be the problem with the kid. He could have been one of them little Katrina kids. Flooded out. You don't know. Yeah. Like, it could have had motor damage. Totally. It could have been a total loss before. The kid sitting right next to the truck, she's looking under the hood. They're raising the kid's arm. She's kicking the tires. Checking the teeth. Slap the kid in the face. Yeah. His teeth. This kid's not new. I mean, you can haul stuff. You can haul stuff in a truck. The odometer's been rolled back. How much stuff can you load on a kid? This is a midget. This is like a 38-year-old midget. There's no way. And the cost of fuel for both of them. You know what? Throw in some meth. You still got a deal. Meth really makes every deal. You know, Kentucky, it used to be a pack of cigarettes and some bourbon. Now it's meth. We've moved along. It's meth everywhere now. They're promising. Hold on. Did you just tell us what the former going rate for a child was? Is that what that... Oh, I've bought so many childs in Kentucky. So many childs? So many. So many childs. Well, keep going. He gets rid of the previous one before he gets a new one. So it's still always children. I sell children to the gypsies for a living. It's not child. It's children's. Nice. It just got weirdly quiet there. I know. It's just an awkward moment of, well, we've just been talking about selling kids. Like it was something normal to talk about. Well, because it is. But if they see this group, then they would know. Yeah. No big deal. I think only one of us has kids here, right? You don't see me with any kids. I'm not selling my kids. Oh, no. You have kids too. Yeah, the weird pervert guy has kids. Seriously, you're saying there's no price. You've never had your eyes on like a really nice vehicle. Oh, gosh. I have a really nice vehicle. How many kids did you have to sell for? How old are your kids? I had to get rid of my ex. It's a good trade. It's a good trade. It's not a bad trade. Yeah, exactly. My kids are eight and six. Oh, too old to sell anyway. Yeah. Nobody wants them. Nobody wants them at that age anyway. I mean, yeah, it's got to be a baby. Definitely want them. Yeah. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. Being eight once they're over six is horrible. And once they know their name, it's hard to get rid of them. What is the blue book value of Wally? Plus, the parents want to name it themselves, some of those cool names we were talking about earlier. Yeah. I mean, look, you're probably getting more for a Beezow. Look, I've named him Chester. I've named him Chester. This idiot keeps answering to Beezow. If you're handing the kid over and you go, oh, by the name, his name is Jack Me Off. And the deal's still going to go through. It's going to go through. We're going to have to throw in a little more meth. I'm just going to name mine to Fuckface. It depends on how many pairs of ladies' panties are in the truck. Face fucking. That's true. How many vibrating dildos are still working in the truck? All right. Good point. We'll move on. Glorious Saturday. This one has, this is great. Man arrested after washing genitals in a park drinking fountain. Well, duh. Have you seen a park drinking fountain? What else other than birds? And homeless people's genitals would be put in there. Listen, I've been thinking on this. I think this guy should be commended for washing his junk at all. Because there's a lot of guys that go around. Guys do not wash their junk. Not even paying attention. I'm with you. This guy was not only doing it, but he was letting other people know. Look how clean my stuff is. Exactly. You don't want to meet up with some guy with kind of junky junk, do you? I'm on this guy's side. What is a bigger crime here? Public exposure or indecent exposure or dirty balls? Exactly. I just thought maybe, you know, when he saw like public fountain, he just thought the L was silent. He had a pubic fountain. This man had some dignity left in his life. He was not going to go out with dirty balls. Yeah. Just to give a little history, it says, it says the 40-year-old man was arrested in Portland, Oregon on Monday for allegedly washing his genitals in a park drinking fountain while kids played close by. Oh, Jesus. It says, Jimmy Todd Hensler tried to talk to the kids and throw a water balloon at them and then washed his balls. I'm sure that was water. And then he began to undress. Yeah. Yeah. At which point he started to wash his genitals. Hey, it's okay because he was- Where did the homeless guy come up with a water balloon? He was planning on selling those kids anyways. Of course, he must have a truck. I believe that water balloon might have been his bladder. I'm not sure that was an actual water balloon. Did he undress or just slip it through the hole? No, he says he was bathing in the- He was in the drinking fountain and he had his pants down around his ankles and he was totally exposing himself, said witness Mikhail Kopman. Well, if you know a way to wash your balls without exposing yourself, let me know. God, people are such sticklers for rules around here. Here's the best part of the story. You know what he was charged with? Misuse of a drinking fountain. That's a crime? Wait a minute. There are laws governing the use of drinking fountains? Yeah. That's for your right. I'm a felon then as well. What are some other ways we could misuse a drinking fountain? Look, I'm not an attorney. If I punch it, is that misusing? Is that an assault on a drinking fountain? Here's the thing. He was arrested. And then it says, Hensler was due in court on Wednesday, but he did not show up, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. Well, I know where to find him. He's at the drinking fountain. You say that, but he says, a KGW reporter tracked him down to the same park on Wednesday. Well, duh. Ooh. Where else is a man going to clean his balls? That's where you go back to. Apparently, he was nervous. It's my fountain. He was sweaty. My balls. My balls have never been cleaner than at the park. Could you imagine being the reporter put on that assignment? Go find this guy. Yeah, they're obviously high up on the list of stories. We're going to need some pictures. Don't worry. They're clean. Super clean. You pull this off, we'll put you at the desk. Yeah. I like how he said, pull this off. Yeah, pull this off. Can't believe I drew the sweaty ball story. That's awful. That's a horrible job. Is there a picture of the guy? Just hand him a mirror. Just hand him a mirror, please. Looks like this guy. I assume that he looked like me. I could see why he took his pants off. That is a sexy fountain. I think this time he probably looked like me. I could see that. I could see that. Yeah. All right. Well, we have time for one more quick story. This one will end on a happy note. All right? I doubt it. Well, the other ones haven't been happy? Somebody got a truck. Come on. That's true. Somebody got something to laugh. You got to like, let's make a deal. All right. This one comes from San Antonio. A man proposed to his girlfriend immediately after the couple was arrested for aggravated robbery. Apparently, managers of a family dollar store said they attempted to stop Trillia Woods, age 24, before she left the store, suspecting her of shoplifting. The alleged driver of the getaway car, Sean Fox, watched her attempt to leave through a broken and unmoving door and then came inside to help. Apparently, he saw that she was in trouble, so he went into the store to try and help her escape and then the two tried to exit the store. When stopped, he threatened the managers, telling them that he'll be back to get them because they were going to hurt his girlfriend. They were arrested a short time later, during which Fox proposed marriage and Woods accepted. Well, duh. Is there any way at all that this relationship doesn't make it? That's so romantic. I think it's pretty much perfect. He stole her heart. It's like, a Shakespeare story. They robbed the 99-cent store. I heard nothing after that. How much? You have to go out with, like, 38 shopping carts worth of shit in order for you to even get close to being worth any of this. And how much money can they possibly have in the cashier's thing? I think we're stealing merchandise. We've got $42. We've got $42 in here. And a bunch of pennies. You know that's where they're going to be registered. Like, you know, the bridal registry. The bridal registry? I got ramen noodles and a different flavored ramen noodles. I'd also like a Cars frozen ice pack. And a bunch of expired Kool-Aid. No, no, no. They're not expired until tomorrow. And don't forget the Hulk Hogan air freshener. I think I smell a Lifetime movie out of this. You know what? I'm going to audition as the guy. You know, I've been with my boyfriend a long time. He's not proposing anytime soon. I might go for the 99 cent guy. Yeah, Justin, get your shit together. Hey, it's ready to commit. Get your shit together. It was pretty chivalrous that he went in the hell when he saw you in trouble. He would have hit the road. This guy came back. Really? He was like a Marine. No man left behind. He was a Marine, you claim. A Marine? The pussiest Marine on the planet, but yes. Wow. So, I thought it was kind of romantic. It is romantic. Horrible burglars, but romantic. I plan on proposing a police shootout. Goes to jail together and gets raped. Not together, though. Separate prisons. Not together. You can't get raped together. You save money on rings. They're big ones for your wrists. Nice. Cover him in Crisco. Get easy to get on. Nice. All right. Well, it's time for questions. If you want to join that conversation, or you want to submit your questions, you can call us. 800-893-9562. Our first question comes from Kelly. When do we get paid for doing this? That's my question. We have a caller. All right. Maybe they have an answer to that question. Hold on. Where's the caller? Bottle of Mike's light. Hold on. You guys, enjoy this. Drew's going to try to be technical. Enjoy this. You just talked to him. They hung up? Son of a bitch. Drew was like, I don't know what these phone gadgets are. I don't blame him. You just click on the thing. I'm like the technological guy. I'm the technological retard. That's me. Seriously. You got a lot of callers to listen. Call us back. Nope. Is that it? We have the call? Hey, how's it going? Hello there. Hi. Hello, hello. Hi there. My name is Hank. I'm calling from Corpus Christi out in Texas. All right. Well, thanks for listening, Hank. Welcome to the show. Thank you. I tried to listen as often as possible. I'm in the oil business. I'm an oil rigger. I'm sorry. What was that? I'm in the oil business. Oil business. I work on a rig out in the Gulf. And I've got a situation I wanted to run by you fellows and ladies. I've got a $10,000 a month booker. Well done. I'd say I won't call it a problem. I'd say it's something I do. And then I'm married. I've got five children up in Houston. And also, I'm just kind of starting to get to me. I'm starting to feel a little guilty. And I was hoping maybe. You guys could pump me up. Make me feel a little better about the whole situation. Let me see if I understand this correctly. You have a $10,000. Did you say a month hooker habit? That's correct. I've got a $10,000 a month hooker habit. And are you feeling worse about that or about having five kids? Hey, can I borrow $500? Is it just one hooker? Yeah. Is this like multiple hookers? Or do you have like one really lucky hooker? Because seriously, I will sell you Ron for $500. Fraction of that. And I'm confident he'll do anything. I'm broke. No, I got a whole gaggle of gals. Do they sell hookers and gaggles now? Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah. And so, this is the problem. I'm just starting to feel guilty. Because the late in my life thinks that I'm being faithful. And I know it's against the Lord's Bible to be doing this kind of thing. I must say the other thing. The Lord's Bible? The Lord's Bible? Well, yeah, you know. You haven't traded any of your kids away for a pickup, have you? He used to have seven kids. Yeah. That's what I feel bad about. I think you're all right, man. You called the right show. This is bad advice. No, you're doing fine. That's a bad advice for you. My advice is you just keep banging those hookers. Are you still making out with your wife? Yeah. I mean, do you still like hit? Do you hit? When I say hit your wife, I don't mean in a violent kind of way. Do you sound something so often? Do you mean hit her? I'm not really interested in the wife. She's kind of let herself go. Is she still bugging you for sex or is she not really into it either? I think she's kind of happy I'm not asking. Yeah, so there's a win-win. She's clearly hooking up with someone else. Or if you give her $10,000 a month, she might be more into it. All the dishonesty is just kind of getting to me. And also, I've been dipping into the kids' college fund. Okay, now there's a problem. You need to not dip into the kids' college fund. You need to not dip into the kids' college fund. You need to not dip into the kids' college fund. You need to not dip into the kids' college fund. Hank, no, don't you worry about it at all because not being smart has not affected you negatively. So your kids are going to be fine. Dude, the other thing is if you send your kids to college, eventually they can pay for your hooker habit. Yeah. I mean, the advice is simple. You get a cheaper hooker, for the love of God, or a smaller gaggle. Whatever bag of hookers you have, get a smaller bag of hookers. Look, I know you're in Corpus Christi, but— You know what? That's the winning advice right there. Get cheaper hookers. Cheaper hookers. There's no reason to stop. You cut down to $5,000. There's a thousand. Yeah, is there a Costco? I believe there's Costco hookers. They give you $600. Well, there's a few of them I'm actually in love with, so there's no way I'm going to stop. You are not in love with any of the hookers. No. And I'm sure they're in love with you. Drew, if you go to the dollar store, you can get four and a half hookers for five bucks. So I would do that. Get yourself some cheaper hookers. But some of them are expiring tomorrow. You know, it gets lonely when you're out in the Gulf, and when you come back to shore, it's a way to blow off some steam. Have you ever tried putting on a bunch of Crisco? And just rolling around? Because that blows off some steam. I know you guys are a comedy show, but I'm actually in some pain over this. Listen, you're in pain, but it's not emotional, Hank. You're sitting with a gaggle of hookers. The pain you're feeling is something you need to see a doctor for. I wish Vic was here, because he would tell this guy. Do you look like me? It's your job to please a hooker. It is your job to please this hooker with your mouth. I do definitely please him. Nice. That's not the problem. It's just that, you know, I put together... Because a hooker wouldn't lie. I got this college fund that we started with the kids when they were born, and then through an inheritance, we put some more cash in. There was about $250,000 in that, and the lady doesn't know it, but we're down about $3,000. It's time to go to an Indian casino down there on the coast and replenish that. Put $3,000 on black or red or whatever. You have to sit your kids down. Sit your kids down and tell them, Look, Daddy blew your college. Put your college fund all over a woman's chest. That's my advice. Time to get a scholarship. Tell them to get some good grades. And for God's sake, don't have any more kids. When I'm done, I'm tired. All right. Well, Hank, listen, I hope we were able to offer some bit of help to you. I wish you luck, but I agree. You're just going to have to, like, you know, no reason to give up a good thing, but just go cheap. I don't know how old the kids are, but I would still look into abortion, too. That may help. I mean, if you want some real advice, just start jerking off a lot. That's right. So cheap. So cheap. I do that, too. I do that, too. All right. Well, Hank, listen, we got a lot of questions we got to get to, so I got to let you go. But thanks for calling. We'll talk to you again next week. Keep us posted. Best caller ever. Thank you. I love that guy. God bless. God bless. God bless. Yeah. Yeah. All right. God has a lot to do with that shit. Texas. All right. Well, this one, I don't know where our next question comes from, but Kelly wrote in and says, My teenage son wants to get a facial tattoo. I said no, and he says that I'm keeping him from expressing himself. How old is the kid? He says, Am I being old-fashioned and unfair? No. I don't even know if I could be funny with this. Well, I think a study actually just came out that showed for job interviews, the first person to get hired is the biggest face tattoo. Yeah. I may have gotten that stat wrong. I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure that helps career-wise. The only way you can get a face tattoo is if you get a tattoo of your face on your face. Oh, that's nice. That's a good idea. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time. I want to get your face tattooed on mine. No, I'm not. That's a good idea. You're a good-looking guy. I am very attractive. You are. I am. You're a sexy, sexy man. You have no idea. No. You two, we have two parents. Would you like a kid to get a face tattoo? Are we talking about the little tear by his eye, or is he going to get like a... I think that only happens if you kill someone in prison. The tear won't get him the job. I think we're talking like Mike Tyson style. Yeah. You know, or maybe Darth Maul. If you do a Darth Maul, we're fucking, we're friends. Look, if it was Darth Maul, I'd be going, I'm not going to get a face tattoo. If it was Darth Maul, I'd be going, that is so cool. Can I get one too? Yeah. Yeah. So this person would have two friends. That's cool for that person. Yeah. We're also the friends you don't want to have. You know what? If they're that dumb, if they really want it that bad, fine. Let them do it. Really? So you're saying if you're... I like this. It's like, if my kid's an idiot, more power to them. Then let him around. He's an idiot. They can pay for the removal later. It's for that. No, they can't, because they can't get a job because they tattooed their face. Listen. If they want to be a phone sex operator, there's all kinds of customer service jobs. Yeah. If they want to be a circus freak. Well, Ron would like to. My son is into comics and things like that now and Star Wars and Skyland stuff. And I basically, you know, just that. But there are a lot of things that, well, you're going to have to buy that with your own money. Yeah. If you want the vagina face tattoo, you're going to have to save up and buy that. I'd like a vagina face tattoo. Not for me, but I'd like it if someone else had one. I've been at, yeah, I was going to say, because that'd be bad news. I'd much rather just have a real one. I'd like a vagina on my face. You know, the weird part is I just pictured a woman with a face that just had a vagina. This is the first time you're pretending you thought of this? Is that what you're saying? I know this is the first time that's ever been suggested to me, so. There's no way you haven't thought about that once daily. No, no, because I, okay, you're right. All right, so I think then, Kelly, we'll just go with. Gold tooth. If your child, you know, gold tooth. Gold tooth is where the power is, by the way. Way more than a face tattoo. You got, Tyson was good with the gold tooth. He's a criminal with the freaking face tattoo. Dwight Gooden, great picture with the gold tooth. Got himself a real looking tooth. Guy's a coke addict. It did work for Flava Fave. Flava Fave. It was either the gold tooth or that enormous clock hanging around his neck. One of those two, dude. Gold tooth. Enormous what? Cock. Is that what I said? No, he said clock. He heard cock. I just wanted to hear somebody say it, but I was hoping she would, but you jumped in. Way to cock block him, Ron. Way to cock block him. Wait for it, wait for it. I think you said cock. Cock. Yay! That really did sound a lot better than what I said. And what did you graduate? Summa cum laude. Oh, that was awesome. Yes, some do cum laude. I don't know. So when are we going to start the show? This is fun hanging out with you guys. Tell you what, we'll move on to the next question then. We have, this one comes from Gary in North Hollywood. Gary wrote in and says, my roommate is a major germaphobe. He insists on having his own silverware and even wants me to wear disposals. I'm like, I'm going to have to wear disposable gloves whenever I go into the fridge. Is there any way I can get him to relax? No. Just spit on everything in the fridge and then it's yours. Yeah, get a different fridge. Cleveland steamer. Balls. Everything else seems easy at that point in time. You have like a lick party. You know, you just invite friends over and just tell them, just start licking everything. It's a good idea. You overload them. Then he'll leave. I've done that without the germaphobe. I need a germaphobe for that party. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody else shows up. I mean, it's one of the, if you came into his place, you're shit out of luck. Well, germaphobes really shouldn't be roommates with anybody. I feel that's kind of a bad choice right there. They should just go live. He's just making stuff up. If he was a real germaphobe, he'd live by himself. Yeah. Really? Yeah. He couldn't afford it. He's just got a few OCDs. Hey, I can pay half the rent. I need you to not touch anything. I like how you guys just decide any germaphobe has a good job. I'm totally obsessed with him. I can pay half the rent. There's no poor germaphobes. Drew is a little upset by this because Drew is a little bit of a germaphobe. No, I'm a neat freak. I'm not a germaphobe. Okay. Let's be specific about this. Have you seen some of the women I've been with? I am not a germaphobe. I don't want to scare anybody, but I've lived with Drew. You giving them the germ doesn't actually change that. You just forgive your dick of the germaphobia, but everything else. Now, Mr. Neat Freak also spent five years living with a ferret in his room that was in the house, infested with fleas. Oh, wow. That's a horrible way to talk to our ex-girlfriend. How dare you call his girlfriend a ferret? She eventually shaved and it was all right. Okay. That was not a ferret. And those were crabs, not fleas. A little penicillin cleared all that up. I miss her so much. You notice how Drew got very quiet. I think I've heard his feelings now. I like Louie. Is Louie the woman, the ferret, the crabs? Who the fuck is Louie? Louie has the vagina on his face. Louie has a vagina. He's a ferret with a vagina for her. He thought it was a chick magnet. Walking into a bar with a ferret on your shoulder. Yes, he really was. A priest or rabbi and a guy with a ferret on his shoulder walking to a bar. You know what? Instead of using a ferret. You would have touched my weasel, wouldn't you? I would have totally touched your weasel. Say that again. I would have totally touched your weasel. Even if it had fleas on it? Of course. Especially if it had fleas on it. Put a condom on that ferret. Before you go out. I completely forgot the question now. There was no question. He can move in with another germaphobe. Yeah. The germaphobe. You need to kick the germaphobe out. And they can just Clorox things together. Yeah, that'd be great. You think like germaphobes would like have like a little war between each other and just like who could be the closest to each other, you know, like sneeze over the line. You ever see Monk? Monk's one of my favorite shows. I think there was an episode where there were like two germaphobes and they were like cleaning things and no, no, you didn't do it right. You have to go counterclockwise and shit. Funny to me because I'm crazy. All right. Well, let's see. We go to this next one. Dear Vet, this, I guess, goes somewhat with what you were just talking about. Bond, he's pointing at me. I am somebody who looks like it says, dear, bad advice. Our apartment complex has a hot tub. A neighbor couple are swingers. I see them in there all the time and often with other people. Why do you think this relates to me? Do you see the problem? There's a scientific answer. And that's that. There's a lot of chlorine and yeah, it's safe. Is it not disgusting? No, it's gross. Are they living in Melrose Place? Where is this thing happening? Where they're going? Yeah, I recommend swingers. A hot tub and swingers. It's like this. This question apparently came to us not just from where they were from Mountain View, but from the 70s. Yes, that's nice. I would recommend going to the hot tub, putting your keys in the fishbowl and hoping for the hottest chick there. That's what I would do. I would rather have. One couple of swingers than like 37 different couples. Yeah, agreed. Or one old person that has no bladder control. Yeah. Drew, you just got a hot tub. And I tell you now, when that thing's set up and you're not around, I'm going to do fucking horrible things in that hot tub. Absolutely. Oh, my God. I don't know if you can swing by yourself. I'm going to try. I'm going to swing my ass off there. Are you going to do graphic sex with a dildo in the hot tub? It's the only kind I do. That's all. But yeah, wait for the water, though, if you can. OK. When we're done with it. These are people I would normally invite over. And I have to get an entirely new group of friends. Two more hot tubs. You're going to invite five guys and one girl. That's a Drew party. Seriously? That's a total Drew party right there. I'll look across the table at Gus and I would rather have Jack Me Off Mud in my hot tub. And then we'll all get there and we'll find out Melissa can't make it. Yeah. When you're done, that hot tub is going to smell like Crisco, semen and regret. It already does. Just bring the Crisco. Everything else is there already, dude. So you're saying for Rebecca to, you know, not to worry about it? Does she even use the hot tub? What's that? Does she even use the hot tub or is she just walking by? She's just jealous. I think she wants to, but she's a little concerned. Yeah, I don't think you can worry about that. If you can get over the mental. It's a lot of chlorine. Yeah. Not going to not going to harm you. It's I mean, sure, there could be sperm floating around in there and that's gross. But other than that, you're good to go. Sure. Sure. There can be sperm doing the back float around there. So that's fine. Other than that, other than what you're scared of your skin, because that's what it's looking for. So enjoy that. It will. The sperm will clean your skin. No cling cling cling. It's an authority swims. Exactly. He really knows what you haven't heard off in the bathtub before. No, I don't take baths. You don't take baths. No, he washes in. Apparently, he's only only public drinking fountains. Only in public drinking. Where little kids are present. It's so hard to. Only because I like water. I like the fountain. What? It's so hard to take a bubble bath in a drinking fountain. So you got to move it to the public fountain. You can't play your Tori Amos. Light your candle. Yeah, it's fucking bullshit. All right. Well, our next question. This one, I look forward to the woman's perspective on this. This one comes from Cindy and Corona. You want my perspective or hers? Look, you both have nice breasts, but I'm going to go with her. He said woman not transvestite. Long hair. I'm going to go with breasts. We'll handle. We'll feel this. They're both natural. I can't wait to hear this. My boyfriend lied to me about getting together with his ex. Now he says, OK, they got together, but nothing happened. Should I believe him? No. Yeah, no. If he's confessed, oh, we didn't I didn't get with her. OK, we got together, but nothing happened. Yeah, there's more to that story. If you lied in the first place, then he's he's lying about everything. When? Yeah. I mean, in general, I think when the truth comes in installments, that she says comes, it's exciting when you say it, it just nasty. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. Truth is. Well, here's my question. Say he's doing the X so much better. Why? Why is she an ex? If he wanted to do the ex, he'd break up with you and go back to her. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe she's a better cook. Maybe she's a clean. Really? You think he went better to get together with his ex because she was a better cook? She probably has better sex with the girlfriend because there's more benefits with her. But the ex is like a freak. So he just wanted to you understand me so well. The question here, though, is when you say, oh, don't just never trust guys. Guys don't have a choice. Guys, you kind of have to lie. No, because she's you already know she's distrusting because she she wrote in with a question. Right. So if he had said, hey, I'm going to get together with my ex. You know, she's going to jump down and throw it over that already. Did she? Wait. Did he openly offer that information or did she find out? I don't know if it comes in installments. I'm assuming I'm assuming something happened along the lines of he said he was somewhere somehow it was proven he was not then he had to admit on Facebook. Yeah, something along those lines. And then he got in trouble. That would be my assumption, because that's how that shit happened. This is my complaint. And this is from my own life. When I tell my girl the truth, the honest truth, she still doesn't believe it. Because you probably lied. No, I haven't. But. I'm telling the truth. I'll be like I was with a monkey and I had a banana up my ass and I was screwing the monkey. She's like, what really happened? Oh, hey, I also had my finger up. You know, she's accused me. You know, I wasn't a monkey. It was a it wasn't a monkey. It was your ex. I'm like, really? Really? You're going to go there. Even if a guy is telling the truth, there is more to the truth that he's. What? No, there's never more. That's so crazy. More to the truth. What are you talking about? I'll say I'm in love with the monkey. What do you want to hear? What do you got, Gus? I think I mean, I think for the most part, chances in this specific story that this guy has now told the whole truth and more than likely what it started with, we didn't get together. Then we did get together, but didn't fool around. Then we fucked a little bit, but just a little bit. Yeah, I didn't like a little fucking. It turns out I have a secret family in Cambodia. I mean, yes. What do you want to know here, dude? We didn't make eye contact when I came. So it doesn't matter about you. Wow. That's a good one. Does that work? I was he should just my advice is for the guy. And so you can get out of this. Just women like to, you know, be wooed. You have to just say something sweet and romantic. Just say, listen, I thought you gave better head. I just needed to make sure. And it turns out you may not. Yeah, you may not go back. You may not. That may not work if you're going back to the previous girl to give you head. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. You might never get head again. I think. No, you just say I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt. You do it better. Congratulations. If she's questioning, she knows you're going to slap her in the face after that. To just me, guys, I'm sure you are used to very stupid people. They're stupid. I said I was thinking the exact same thing. They obviously come loud. Going out with somebody. Yeah. All right. Sometimes I come loudly. Sometimes I say we turn this around on the girl when she comes in. She's like, baby, I spent my whole paycheck on shoes at the mall. What really happened? You blew it on Coke and hookers, didn't you? You didn't blow that on shoes. There's always more to the truth with you ladies. What really happened? That's true. Maybe that's why girls are so distrusting. You got a ten thousand dollar a month hooker habit, don't you? I am the ten thousand dollar hooker. Nice. And that's just for one time. That's just for one time. Women can go do that, too. They can buy five hundred dollars worth of shoes, but buy one sexy pair of panties. They go and look what else I got. And we're like, oh, yeah, great. We can't come home with our Kmart underwear. Go look what I got. And I bought some tires for the car and that would be all okay. Girls can correct pretty much anything with a good blow job. Yeah, yeah. Well-timed blow job has saved many a marriage. Absolutely. I've always said, you know, it's like it doesn't matter what else you do if that's the second part of the story. Oops, I crashed your car. I said your mother. Crashed car is at least four blow jobs. And your dead mother's in the trunk of my car. I sold your ferret. Oh, fucking bitch. You better be good. You better be really good. We're out of Crisco and ferrets here. I'm just going to blow you. Okay, but that leads to our next question. Hector in Gardenia wants to know, he says, I've always heard that tongue piercings make oral sex better. How do I convince my girlfriend to get one? I like how he's not even like, first of all, Hector's didn't even consider like a true he should get. Yeah, I was going to say, Hector, you get one yourself right there. He's like, you get one the hell with her. It's like it's all about Hector. Yeah. Now, first of all, it's I never. Yeah, I got a blowjob from a girl. And it is fucking amazing. Why is that better? I don't know. I can't explain it to you, but it felt great. Well, it must have been one of those like little round. It was not around the fork coming out. No, no, no. One of the round ones. For forked forked. I'm looking at her. Holding her tightly. Tightly closed. Somebody's choking on a lobster fork. I have this technique that you get when you're giving a guy a blowjob or giving him a handjob. You just use a lot of lube and a strand of pearls. So you just wrap that in your hands and go. You don't need a tongue ring or anything. Twice. Yeah, that was awesome. Can you do that with a ferret? Just a string of pearls sounds dirty. You can rub it with a ferret. You can rub it with a ferret. I prefer pearls and lube. Do they have to be real pearls or can they be like. They can be fake, but I recommend against having a clasp. You want a long continuous string. It has to be real pearls. Drew's trying to save money on the device. He's like, I think the little ball rubs against the fucking. You only have one ball. Yeah, totally. I don't remember what it was, but I can tell you. I have never had the pearl thing done. I had. To this day, the greatest thing ever was the Canadian hot water trick. What is that? I've never heard that. Oh, I hadn't either. And it's hard to come up with something new, you know, like for a girl to like show me something that I didn't know about. The Canadian hot water trick. This girl took like kind of hot water, like tea kind of hot water. Canadian, by the way, because it's in Canada. She said A afterwards. Because I have not met an American chick who is willing or able to do this. OK, hot water. She took like a large glass of hot water and then proceeded to take the entire cock in her mouth. Nice. With the hot water. OK. Didn't spill a drop. It was like a sensory deprivation tank for your cock. So we just figured it out. The advice is don't she doesn't need a prayer thing. Just get her some hot water. No, no. I'll tell you how to do that. You do. Oh, why am I not surprised? You have hot chocolate in one hand, a popsicle in the other. Whoa. So you do the hot chocolate. Go down, go down. Well now this is like torture stuff from Vietnam. I would I would talk. I would totally talk. Who is this guy you're going out with that is a man who's been proposed? Justin, get your shit together. Yeah, right. My advice is for Justin, step up, dude. Step up. Make him spend a lot of time. A lot of time at the snack bar, by the way, I would recommend. Well, first of all, that happened. I would forget about the sex and have the hot chocolate and have the popsicle. Those are delicious. It's a 7-Eleven in Melissa's mouth. It's also a jewelry shop. There's a big gulp coming. And then a few snacks. Yay. Thank you. Come again. High fives around. Oh, my God. That was funny. OK. Two minutes left. All right. Well, here's a kind of serious one. Dana and Lincoln wrote, I'm 22 and I just got engaged to my boyfriend. I never told him that I had an abortion three years ago. Do I have to tell him or can I keep it a secret? Secret. Secret. Well, I can speak with it from a little bit of experience here because many people have referred to me as an abortion and I can claim I would go with the what he doesn't know won't hurt him because how well that worked with the baby out unless it was an awesome abortion. And in that case, tell away. Yeah. If it's a good story. Yeah. If it's like a great story that's going to make them laugh because of course, I mean, you have to tell him it's like. What if it was his kid? Oh, oh, yeah. That's the question. Who's whose kid was it? No, it's a new boyfriend. I mean, if it's no, because she's. I really happened. You didn't have it. You sold that kid in Kentucky for a truck. Some math. If it was in the past, she brings up a good point. It sounds like she's 22. Got engaged to a boyfriend. It might be. It might have been his. Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, that's tougher. If it was his, she has to tell him. She. No, you don't eat at her forever. No, she got that removed. Yeah. You should just be happy she doesn't have a baby. Too soon. Is that too soon? I'm a big round food eating dream crusher. I still stick with the what he doesn't know won't hurt him. It worked with the baby. Yeah. I mean, look, are there still hangers in the house? No, no. But I'm pretty sure these stairs that go to nowhere. No, that's not going to use the vacuum. Come on. Oh, the thing is, when when they do have kids together, she's going to be remembering that and she's going to want support. She's going to want to be able to talk about it. I don't like this chick. I don't like this. Get rid of her talking dirty again. No, you're awesome. Yeah. Well, guys, we got to wrap it up. We're down in just a couple of seconds. I want to thank all my guests. Join us every Saturday, two to three here at Skid Row Studios for a new episode of Bad Advice. Thank you all for coming. We will see you again next week. Good night. Let's go get some pie. Let's go get some hot chocolate and pop. I have my mother's dreams. I have my father's eyes. You can't take that from me. Just go ahead and drop the crescent city sleep. While giants in the sky sleep. Preparing to unleash. Let loose a mighty cry. Can nobody save us? Will anyone try? The pie was burning. The cypresses died. And all along they're saying. Help is on the way. Help is on the way.