Panel discussion on bizarre news stories and listener advice questions

All righty. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another new episode of Bad Advice, the show where the advice is free and worth every penny. I want to thank my guests for coming in today. We've got, as usual, a panel of very funny people. We have a good friend of mine and a very funny man. Mr. Jeff Hendrick is with us. We have Sal Rodriguez. How come you didn't call me your friend? Whatever. We're starting early. Now, Jeff, do you got the red light on your mic? I have the red light. Ah, now I hear you. Okay. My friend, he is a friend, and Sal Rodriguez, you will always be my friend and always very funny man. We have another gentleman, first time here on Bad Advice, Nestor Rodriguez. Hola. Ah, how come you didn't say that? Because he can't speak Spanish. He's one of those nouveau fucking Latinos. They just call themselves Latino to get fucking free shit left and right. I want some free shit. When did I get free shit? When did they get free? You get in front of the line first. You get extra fucking social security benefits, welfare benefits. Do you? I'm going to change my name to Rodriguez. Now, is there any relation? No, there is no relation. As far as I know, the Rodriguez's, the original Rodriguez's, just fucked everybody. Wow. Their coat of arms features a missionary doing the missionary. That's funny. Yeah, it's true. All right. Well, now, let me answer this. I went to high school with a girl named Jane Nestor. Are you related to her? Jane Nestor? Yes. No, Nestor is my first name. I know. I'm just, I'm reaching. No, no, no. I know you're reaching. And it's a Greek name. It has nothing to do with being Latino. So she was probably... You're a Greek Latino. No, my aunt was dating a Greek guy. And of course, she offered the name to my mom. And my mom was so fucked up that she said, okay. I just watched the movie. I watched the movie, Wrath of the Titans. It's kind of like Zeus came down and fucked his mother. You know? But anyway, moving along. We have cursed more in the first 30 seconds of the show. Look, it's already making Vic Cohen, who is also my good friend and very funny man. He's here. It's already making him angry. How are you, Vic? I'm great. And I'm just excited there's a woman in the room. Not just any woman. We have Shea Yuval. Shea Yuval is a new friend of mine. She is... Now, for those of you, whereas the rest of us may have these great faces for radio, Shea is stunning. Shea Yuval. She's stunning. She is. And you know what? I have to be honest, because this show is about being honest. Is it? She's showing some of her body, like her shirt's a little short, and it makes me crazy. Watch Vic's hands. Vic can't concentrate. I'm really sorry. Vic, would you like to switch seats with me? Yeah, because that's distracting. You should move. Is this distracting, like this? Oh, it is. I'm seeing some almost crack. All right, I'm going to have to insist you move a little closer to me just to avoid lawsuits. I can't help it. I'm really sorry. I'm not trying to creep you out, but... Believe me, as the show goes along, she'll naturally be moving away from Vic as the show moves along. She is blushing. Eventually, it's going to be like, hey, how come Shay's in the sound booth? I love women. With Nick. I love women. And she's from Montreal. You forgot to say that. Oh, she is from Montreal. Shay is actually a... In addition to being a very charming, beautiful, and very funny lady, Shay is like a dog whisperer. She is one of the premier dog trainers and behaviorists in the country. Fantastic. Has her own website, which is... ShayUval.com. I'm curious. Are you very like that with men? Do you try and train them? You know, it's funny you should say that because I do that with men all the time. I'm actually going to do a stand-up comparing dogs to men, which I know has been done, but... I would love for you to train me. I thought it was a little odd, but she did hit me with a rolled-up newspaper as soon as she walked in my house. I did use prong collars. Prong collars. But to be fair, I was trying to hump her leg. Well, there you go. Yeah, I would love that, actually. If you really do use prong collars in the bedroom, I'd be so into that. Shay, what's your favorite position? Oh, stop it. Well, I ride horses, I have no question. So I like to be on top. Wow. Yeah, all right. What's the idea? That's control. Here's the thing. If I were a woman, I'm just curious. I've got strong inner thighs, so, you know, I can grip all the way up inside. Oh, my God, that's awesome. I'm curious. Okay, by a show of hands, who's going to just go, yeah, this is my favorite episode of Bad Invite so far? I'm just curious. Like, all the guys, like, hey! Shay, right? Yes. If I had a vagina, and I had a horse, and I were riding a horse, I would think that that's very titillating. Not that I don't have a vagina or a horse. I'm curious, since you have both. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Is it titillating? Absolutely. Really? No. Why not? So, Kay, here's my question. My brother-in-law asked me the same question. He goes, you know, I heard you can get off by riding a horse, and I said, yes. He goes, I knew it, I knew it. I looked at him, I said, no. Why? Idiot. Because there's a whole saddle there, thick leather. Wait a second. Women bust their... You're not sitting on a dildo, seriously. Wait a second. Don't women bust their hymens on horses? All right, guys, we will get into some of these things later, but this is a different show. All right? We're getting... We're getting way, way off topic. We're going to go right back to bad advice now for those listening. It's like, what show did we take? You can ask me out later. There is a sex show on skidrowstudios.com, which is where you're hearing us. So if you want to call in live to the show, if you have... If you want to join the conversation, if you have a question you want to put in, you can reach us here at Skid Row Studios. The number here is 800-893-9562. Again, 800-893-9562. As far as bad advice, you can make sure you like us on Facebook, you can subscribe for free on iTunes to get all our shows. Now, we're going to get started. Our first story today, this one comes to us. This one is disturbing, and yet we're going to talk about it. This one is... We'll start with Pauline Potter's weight loss. World's heaviest woman loses 98 pounds with marathon sex. Apparently, Pauline Potter became the world's heaviest living woman last year, weighing in at a whopping 643 pounds. She's a woman of the world's heaviest woman last year, weighing in at a whopping 643 pounds. She's a woman of the world's heaviest woman last year, weighing in at a whopping 643 pounds. Now, Potter has her sights set on losing weight, and she's turned to marathon sex sessions to help shed the pounds. Apparently, Potter described how her reignited sex life with ex-husband Alex has helped her to lose 98 pounds. This is what she says. I can't move much in bed, but I burn 500 calories a session. It's great exercise just jiggling around. Potter, who's been consuming 10,000 calories a day, hopes to reach her goal, which is to lose 9,000 pounds. The goal weight of 532 pounds with the help of Alex. It says the two of them have sex up to seven times a day. Seven times a day. Her goal weight is 532 pounds. There's a little more before we start talking, before we open this discussion. The quote is, we love foreplay and massages as well as full sex. I pleasure Alex, too, she told the magazine. My bed is strengthened, and although I can't buy sexy lingerie, I drape a nice sheet over me. Over her face. It says, within the first day of being back together, we had sex six times in 24 hours, Alex told the paper. Even though one of Pauline's legs weighs more than I do, we're able to position her body to make sex enjoyable for both of us. Alex apparently weighs just 140 pounds, and says he does most of the work in the bedroom. Of course he does. He can't move. Shay, is there a horse that can handle this woman? I'm just... He's a loser. If he's screwing with someone who's 643 pounds, he's a loser. That's his ex-girlfriend. He's still a loser. Why? He's a chubby chaser. Did you see her? Did you see her? No, no, no. He doesn't really have to chase her that far, Vic. She's 643 pounds. There's not any chasing going on. I'm just telling you, as I was listening to the story, I don't even know you. I've only seen three quarters of your face. There's the whole... I'd fuck him before I'd fuck that woman. I really would. I told you Shay would be moving away as the show progressed. Now, this is a landmark moment. Seriously, we've done, like, what, eight of these shows, and Vic has been willing to have sex with almost every woman in every story. This is the first one where he's gone, I'm going to pass. And yet he would have sex with Nesta. With me, yeah. Vic, why are you drawing the line? Is it the weight? You know, I'm just thinking how wet the sheets would be at the end. No! Not from sexual stuff, but people sweat. Yeah, I mean, that's a lot of weight loss. That's how she's losing weight, brother. I mean, I'm sure it's coming on you. Wait a minute. So you think this is an... 140 pounds? I don't understand. Look, the fact is, at some point, something's going to go wrong, and this guy is going to get killed. The bed's going to break. Yeah. I feel bad for the people living underneath. This makes no sense anyway. This makes no sense. Well, first of all, how is he cutting back on the 10,000 calories a day? That's five times... What is the normal calorie? Like 1,500? 1,500 or 2,400? 1,500 to 2,200, depending on how active you are. I have to say, though, that's a good... I love a woman who throws herself into sex. So I'm thinking... Why do you keep looking at me, Vic? Am I right? Keep looking at Nestor. Vic, she can't throw herself anywhere. That makes no sense, dude. That's true. Her leg weighs more than... Than he does. Well, here's the other question. When he says they have... And I'm going to use those little air quotes things, which, oddly enough, we will be talking about later, but... When he says he has sex with her seven times a day, if you are 643 pounds, how do you know? Couldn't that just be a flesh wrinkle? I'll tell you why. Years ago, I remember a porno movie featuring obese women, humongously obese. The title was Find a Fold and Fuck It. Well, think about it. Sex can mean anything. He could actually be rubbing his actual head in between her legs, and that would be considered sex, and she'd be jiggling. There's no way I would engage in sex. I would engage in sex. I would engage in oral sex with this woman. Not if she's consuming 10,000 calories a day, because you're nothing but a snack. But the other thing is... I'm not saying oral sex. I'm saying just rubbing his fucking forehead on her. She'd have an orgasm. Remember, she says, I also pleasure him, too. So he's obviously not getting pleasure during the act. You know, another thing that occurred to me was... It's air conditioning, guys. There's nothing we can do. As we all know, Drew, you probably know this, that whatever a woman or man eats, oftentimes what's down there, it kind of, reflects what they've eaten, their diet. You mean like if you eat pineapple? Yeah, that's supposedly the best thing. How do you know that? Again, you're looking at me with big eyes. Seriously. Yeah, pineapple is a sweetener for sperm or semen. Okay. So I've heard. Yeah, yeah. Vic is directing everything at Shay. I know. No, but... Talk to Sal about sperm, will you? No, but the point is is that if she's probably... What happens if you eat pepper or something hot, spicy? Does it? I don't know. I said... I read, stay away from Indian food. You don't... You want to avoid broccoli. Actually, if you want to know, because I worked in the adult entertainment business for six years. Right. Onions, broccoli, asparagus. You want to avoid those combustible... That was what I did. Yes. But no. Celery increases the amount. Pineapple changes the flavor and you want to avoid asparagus. Right. Because it messes up the urine. But the point is... Urine and sperm, it makes it taste better. But going full circle here, I'm just saying she probably tastes like ho-hos and Twinkies. Which I think... Well, you see, but that's not bad. 10,000 calories, that's not ho-hos and Twinkies. The bitch is eating full calves and fucking goats. You know what's sad is she has to work hard to keep herself obese. That's the sad part. Just like Jeff was saying, 2,200 calories will keep her at 220 pounds. Easy. No, it says she no longer eats 10,000 calories per day, though she still enjoys the occasional Big Mac. Occasional Big Mac? I mean... She's not talking about that. She's not talking about a hamburger. She's talking about a guy named Mac. My advice to her husband to maintain strength is kettlebells. Kettlebells will help to work your core to keep you strong to lift those thighs. Your biceps are going to be working hard lifting the thighs. So my advice to the husband is to continue on a weight training regimen to increase his strength so he can continue to lift his wife's legs as he fucks her. You think lifting... I think lifting the legs alone would be enough of a workout. Yeah. His leg... Her leg weighs more than he does. Wait, how much do you weigh, Drew? How much do you weigh? I weigh 150... About 150, 155 pounds. And yet you look very strong and fit. I am. So maybe this guy is very strong and fit. But that's not enough. You know, I weigh less than 140 pounds. See if you can lift me and then we'll have an idea. I can do that. I can totally do that. Let's have Vic do it. You're going to get Vic excited. Hey, stop! Stay away from her. She's mine. No, I just... Vic, you're totally crushing. Yeah, I think she's so cute. I like her. She's a smart, funny, attractive woman. She's awesome. Now, but... There's a picture of this woman. This is radio. It's really not going to do him any good. I know. But she's dressed in these blue stretchy pants. And I'm sorry. It's like, it just looks like there's like an entire Smurf family shoved in there. That's gross. My advice... In this picture, he's still in her pants. You won't be able to tell. That's pretty much it. Look, there's My advice is for him to get her a mechanical bull, install it on the bed, and then just go out and get a fucking job. Like a real job. That's not... That's actually pretty good. You know what's really disgusting is she looks like the guy with the hundred pound nut we talked about last week. Yes. They do look very similar. I mean, it could... It could be related. You know, it's just a big family. Man, you've got such a great radio voice. Thank you. It's so smooth. That's Jeff. Jeff, look out for Vic. He's going to want to fuck you. It's been a while, Vic. Now he's attracted to you. I mean, what the fuck, man? There's going to be a war here soon. No, but it's like creamy velvety. Maybe we should put my voice in Shay's body. You'd have the perfect date. I don't think of you in a sexual way like I think of Shay. That's a relief. It's early. We still have 40 minutes. All right, listen. We're going to move on to the next show because I think that Nestor probably had the best advice is you've got to get some sort of mechanical thing. And my advice for her is... That wouldn't be fair. Seriously, a goal weight should never be in the 500. That's so strange. What? You disagree? Where did she start at? Nine? 643. 643 and she's trying to get to five? Yeah. Yeah, no. No, it should be a stopping point, but that shouldn't be like if I reach that, I'm good. She should try to get to LA Fitness. Fuck five. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Out of control. What is that, Nestor? What's the heaviest woman you've ever slept with? Oh, I don't. What's the heaviest you'd go? I usually don't have a scale next to the bed. Ballpark. I keep a scale next to the bed for that very reason. What's the heaviest man? Maybe that's easier for you. Would you go with somebody a little bit more chubbier for personality? Well, I'm 190, so I'm not opposed to weight, let's say, you know, as long as... Spit it out, Nestor. She was bigger than you. She was bigger than you. He is lit. Natino, keep that in mind. I like the nice ass. Yeah, Natino, I mean, at the risk of sounding racist, don't you guys like women that get big? That's not racist. That's observant. Well, no, you know that joke. It's like, what does a 400-pound woman in a stack of bricks have in common? Eventually, they're both getting laid by a Latino. See, now that might be racist. Might be, you think. Might be. Keep in mind, keep in mind, Nestor is Puerto Rican. I am Mexican, so he is better than me. Oh. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. That just means he's an East Coast Mexican. No, that just means I'm legal. And we're on the same page. We're on the higher ladder of the social spic echelon. So it's Puerto Rican. Mexicans are all the way at the bottom. They're like, no, wait a second. What about Salvadorans? No, come on. It's like you're completely just missing Dominicans. Well, the Dominicans are second. Oh. Second Dominicans. What about Cubans? Cubans are second. Cubans think they're first. Cubans are last. I was just there. Cubans think they're white. I gotta be above somebody. They're afraid of the white. Send complaints to skidrosestudios.com. No, they think they're white. In America. If you go to Miami, they think, they think they're white. There's no, like if you vote in Miami. Because they're like, yeah, we just got away from Cuba. No, no, no. They just really think they're white. Most of them are Republican, blah, blah, blah. No, it's because Cubans are better floaters. Right. That's it. That's it. No? I don't know. All right. Next story. How do we get a comment on that? I don't know. We're going to move on to the next story. I'll pick up a 300 pound bitch if she's sexy. There we go. I didn't get an answer. No, I like thin women. That's my thing. You're going to go 300 and below. No, I'm open is what I'm saying. The top is 300. I was married once and- I'm so sorry. Yeah. And they say, you know, you should always, if you want to know what your wife's going to look like, look at her mother. And her mother was like 600 pounds. Did your ex bloom up? She started to look like her mother. She's my ex. Nice. So you were married to the Steak Puff Marshmallow woman. There are other reasons. We can talk about it later. Okay, later. We're going to move on to the next story, guys. This one, the headline is Boyfriend Assaults Girlfriend with Steak Sauce Over 50. Shades of Grey. Apparently, the sauciness of 50 Shades of Grey, the titillating trilogy that millions of women around the world are reading this summer, turned literal late last month when a 31-year-old British man, apparently upset that his girlfriend was one of those women, assaulted her with a bottle of steak sauce. According to authorities in Carlisle, UK, Raymond Hodgson was so bothered that his girlfriend, Emma McCormick, was reading E.L. James' pornographic and distasteful book that he drove to her house and squirted it in her face. Oh, come on. She was just reading about that, though, wasn't she? I know, right? I think he was just trying to fit in with the book. I think he had her confused with the 600-pound woman. He was supposed to put steak sauce on her. Well, that's the thing. He was charged with assault. Now, if he had done it to that first woman, there would have been no charge. How was that assault? How is that assault? Assault with a deadly condiment? Yeah. How is that assault? Well, did he hit her with a bottle? Steak sauce is kind of salty. No, he squirted her. He didn't even hit her. How do you squirt a woman? If you get squirt in your eye, it could sting, I guess. You fucking wipe it off. Actually, that's a whole different story, and right now, you're going to get Vic going. If you get squirt in your eye... He's playing footsie on the table with me. No. Drew, where do you get these stories, man? This is out of... I find them. But where? Online, in newspapers. He makes the shit up. I don't... How am I making it up when it's printed out? Oh, that makes it legit. He printed it, folks. His source is New York Times. It's on paper. It's got to be true. Shay, do you... You're a woman. I hope. Do you read those kind of books? Yeah. 50 Shades of Grey? You know, I'll tell you. I just had a birthday. You missed it. Happy birthday. I wasn't invited. One of my girlfriends surprised me... She turned 16, so be careful, Vic. ...and brought toys to the party. Like Barbies? It was a toy... Yeah, Barbies. Uh-huh. No, dildos. Total toy girl toy party. And I have to tell you, the girls that were pros at it were like, oh, I have this and I have that. I was a shocker. Some of us are really conservative and some of us... Are you serious? Yeah. Do you not own a rabbit? No, I had no idea what it was. Come on. I got my first rabbit. That fat lady would have eaten a rabbit. I didn't use it, but one of the guys, because you know how it rotates like this, right? It goes around in circular motion. He ate my friend Jet and turned it over and he put it into a drink to stir his drink. I was like, I'm not using that. Actually, the thing you want to use is... Trust me, as a professional, you have the rabbit or just get a magic wand and we may never see you on the show again because you may never leave your house. I have a magic wand. I got a horse. I don't need to get a wand or a rabbit or whatever. Wait, you just said the horse doesn't turn you on. The one with the staff? I'm not riding it, but apparently after a date it's a lot of fun. There's a whole bareback aspect to it. What about the one where you put a quarter in? Does that... Like at the supermarket? That doesn't move fairly enough. Vic, I'm going to show you a picture of me on a horse in a bikini. What? Thank you. Okay. Folks, it's been a great show. We got to go. I know, right? You can't just show Vic. Then I'll get jealous if you show anyone else. No, wait a minute. We can't just stop talking. People are listening. Now, if anyone wants... If you call right now at 800-893-9562, we will text you this picture. Yeah, and you can listen to Vic jerk off. Look at him. His eyes are glazing over. Wow, that's a great picture. Where's his left hand? Where's his left hand? That is a gorgeous horse. No, getting back to the guy that squirted his girl with the... With steak sauce. Now... Don't send it to yourself, you shit. Do we get to see? Yeah. Or just Vic? Pass it around. What a lucky horse. Don't show him. Don't show him. I had a girlfriend. Focus. I had a girlfriend. She's Latina. She liked me to squirt her with tapatio. But what I was asking was... But not in the eye. Do you read these kind of novels? I don't. I don't. Okay, you're all familiar with Fifty Shades of Grey. It's about a woman that gets into like an S&M relationship with this very... This very, you know, billionaire guy. And this is like the number one book in the world now. Don't send it to yourself there over there, Sal. Hand it over. Hand it over. I'm not done with it yet. Am I going to have to take away your phone? He's got it imprinted on his palm. Through heat. Don't blame the phone. Do what you think. I think it's a gorgeous picture, but I have to be honest, what turns me on about a woman is her mind. I thought you were going to say what turns me on about that picture is the horse. But it's a great picture. I love the pose. I love the movement. All right, I am confident. I'm entertaining this phone because... What movement? There's movement. Your body has curvature and it's following the movement of the horse's neck. That may be the greatest picture I have ever seen. There was a horse there? What movement? And I am going to keep the phone now because you guys can't be trusted. Drew's putting Silly Putty on the screen to capture the image on the Silly Putty. That won't work, Drew, but it's... Where are we? Where are we? We have totally gone off the rails. We have. Back to the show. All right. So as far as this takes us, the Fifty Shades of Grey I just think my advice is guys have to learn to relax. It's like, if this is what is getting your woman excited, work with it. Don't, you know... Yeah, never work against anything that's turning your girlfriend on unless it's completely disgusting. And as far as steak sauce, you know, that stuff's a little expensive. What's this guy's name? What is his name? Because I want to talk to him. Vic is getting angry. What time is it in England right now? Right now. I'm saying he walks into the room and he's pissed off and he goes, I'm going to grab steak sauce. Raymond Hodgson. Raymond. Raymond, listen. He went through the home and he went, this is it. This is the weapon of choice right here. Raymond, listen. Let me tell you something. You've got a woman who has a wild imagination. Don't thwart it. Work with it. Do you ever role play Raymond? You could have role played some scenes out of that book. Yeah. You know, you are a disaster. Wait a minute. Have you read the book? No, but I am very into role playing and into imagination. They use steak sauce in one of the stories. He covered himself in steak sauce. He could have gotten laid. Especially by that first woman. I like to really get crazy and go into scary places. Vic, the book is Vic, how tall are you? The book is Sinful. I play five, five to five eight. The book is Sinful. The book is Immoral. You'd look good in a jockey outfit. I'm just kidding. Oh, wow. You could ride me anytime. Wow. All right, listen. Shay and Vic. I know, right? Our focus is That's why the air conditioning went on. That's why. Yeah, the temperature is rising too much. All right, next story. Because we got a couple. We've gotten sidetracked. We got a lot to cover today. Apparently, Lori Ann is an Albuquerque woman who tried to sell her soul on eBay. A down-on-her-luck freelance writer in Albuquerque, New Mexico tried to sell her soul on eBay. She listed the soul for $2,000. Idiot. Lori, who was in a car accident, after which she entered a coma for three weeks, and then she woke up suffering from a stroke, a broken hip, a broken pelvis, a broken leg, broken collarbone, broken sternum, broken ribs, and a collapsed lung. I'm so confused. She sold her soul on eBay? Yes. And then ended up... Because she needed money when she woke up in the hospital, apparently not doing too well. No, she's selling her soul after all this. Yes. She's selling her soul on eBay. I heard that there's a bidding war between Kim Kardashian and Mitt Romney. That was good. That was very good. Nice. My question is, first of all, you know, do you guys believe in this stuff? Like, if you could sell your soul, would you? What does that mean? It's a big... Wait, no, what does she do? Give him an envelope? Like, what does she do? She could sell Puerto Rican unwanted babies. I don't understand this soul shit. What does that mean? It's not tangible. Never read Faust, never saw anything like that. You sign a contract in blood, you get all your... Yeah, but what does that mean? Right, that's what I'm saying. It's like, if you offer me $20 right now, if anyone at this table puts $20, you can have my soul. I will sign it over to you. So that means what? What do you get? An envelope. Nothing. Nothing. He's soulless. That's very true. But what does that mean? But that's the issue. That's why... It's a stupid story, Drew. No offense. Moving on. What the fuck? If you thought that was a stupid story, you're gonna love this one. No, because it was a publicity stunt, and you know, it's like we're sucking into it. We're getting sucked into it if we talk about it. I guess. Vic only likes stories that involve sex and animals. Okay, well, let's see how he feels about this one, because this one is just disturbing. This one. A Florida man found his choice of rectifying cleaning products pretty crappy. Now, this is a good story. Sheriffs launched an investigation after personnel from a CVS in Jacksonville alleged that a man was repeatedly returning used enema saline laxatives to the store, according to the sheriff's office. Apparently, the suspect returned the six-pack containers of enemas between April and June, and employees told police they had initially reshelved the items during this period, not realizing they had been used. Boom! Eventually, employee Dustin McDonald found it bizarre that a man who he recognized from several previous visits was again bringing back the same item. He decided to investigate. He opened the box of enema bottles to find that they were all filled with liquid. The box had apparently been re-glued to make it look like it had not been opened. The curious employee then poked into other six-pack enema boxes on the shelf. I like that. Poked into it. That's interesting. Yeah, horrible. It's a well-written story. I've been curious about a lot of things. He poked it. I wonder if he smelled it. Oh! You know what? You know what? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me finish. Let me get to the bottom of this. Let me finish. He discovered that all the enemas in each of the three boxes were previously used, and they had been re-glued shut. The sheriff's department sent samples of the fluid in the bottles to the Florida Department of Health, and fecal matter was indeed detected. Whoa. I'd like to be the guy who has to test that. That's his job. No, no. That's not the worst part. Lick it. There is a worse job. You ready for this? Uh-oh. It finishes. It says, out of abundance of caution, they are contacting 21 individuals that they confirmed bought enemas during the suspect alleged returning spree. Oh. The store encouraged other potential purchasers to come forward. Imagine you have to be the guy to call people and go, hey, uh... Is this Eugene Samuelson? Yeah, you know that thing you bought? Yeah. Mr. Samuelson, uh, this is Daryl from the CVS Pharmacy. Why would you have to... Why would you have to call somebody? Hey, people are fucking stupid. They're embarrassed enough. Forget it, you know? That they don't know something's been used? No, no. They were glued back shut to look like they had never been opened. You can tell something's No. All you know is you've got a bottle that has liquid in it that you are going to squirt up your ass. Homie, homie. The liquid, once you put it in your ass and you clean your ass... They're not using the same liquid. He's filling it with other liquid. No, no. No, he's using the same fucking liquid that he washed his ass with. Yes. And he's putting it back... In the bottle. It changes color and it would smell. You wouldn't see it. You sound so well-versed in this. No, I mean, it's fucking physics, man. It's normal shit. Have you used? No, no. I've used it. Wait a minute. I disagree that you would see it or smell it. It's in an enclosed... Okay, I've never had an enema. I've never opened a box. Have you ever seen one of those fleet enema bottles? No. Describe, Nestor. It's a fucking bottle, like a baby bottle, and it has a plastic thing that goes up and you basically shoot water up your ass. Right. He's done this before. But it comes with the liquid in the bottle, right? How does it get in the bottle? Usually you put it out. Maybe he's doing a... You're not using tap water. Aren't they preloaded? No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't use tap water. You use a fluid that's been formulated by fleet. Right. And so it's in the bottle. So basically, these people open this thing, put the tube... And squirt it up. And squirt it up. But what they don't know is it is tainted ass juice water that is in the bottle. No, but Vic has a good point. Because it comes out... I've lost Sal. I have completely... I wish you people could see the look on Sal's face. I'm drinking a coffee right now. He's nice. He's drinking a nice coffee. That's why. This stuff makes no fucking sense. No, the guy's obviously a pervert. He's a sicko. Well, clearly. No, because you can't use the same liquid. I'm thinking now, unless, like you said... Clearly you can, because that's what they're charging him with. If you collect it in a bowl and then put it back in the bottle... That's what he's doing. Okay, in which case... How do you know he's collecting it? He's reusing it. He would have to. Because once you put it up your butt and squeeze it and the fluid comes back out, how are you going to... You can't put it right back in the bottle. Unless you're a really good ape. But here's the deal. The liquid would change color. Right, so he's using different liquid. Like dishwasher soap. Or people who are buying it are fucking retarded and they can't see that it looks like a different color liquid. Right, it's an obvious thing. Exactly. Is it a clear bottle, though? It's a clear bottle. How do you know it's a clear bottle? Again, Nestor. Because I've seen them. Uh-huh. Because your friend has one? He has a friend. No, because I go into Walgreens and I open up the bottles and I look to see what they look like. Wait a second. What? Who does this, Nestor? You're screwing yourself with this story. This is a portable thing, Nestor. You've never seen an enema bottle? No, I haven't seen an enema bottle. Have you seen an enema bottle? Yes, I've seen an enema bottle. Have you used one? No. But you've seen one? Vic, I'm guessing you just look like someone that is actually... Nestor's his friend. Have you ever used one of these? Yes. See, I knew it. Of course I have. Of course. Wait, you've used one on yourself or on someone else? On me, I've had gastro problems. I've had a good... You know, I've been probed tons of times by doctors. By aliens? No, I've had hands and all kinds of things in my hands. I mean, I've had colonics and shit like that. Hands? Were you a puppet? Never penis. That's right. Nestor has... He has told me he's had colonics. I mean, I've had colonics, but I've just never had a fleet bottle. I think you should quit while you're ahead. No, I'm just... Vic probably should quit while he's a hand. No, I've had hands and all kinds of... Are you going to say it drew or should I? Wrecked him. Damn near killed him. Nothing like the classics, folks. My advice is this, and this is for everyone. Do not... Look, the reason I don't buy anything from Fry's Electronics is because when people return things, they put it back on the shelf. I am now including CVS in this list. Oh, I thought you were going to say like somebody put an MP3 player in their ass and then you buy it. Look, this guy clearly would have. Yeah. You know what the sad part is? He gets a kick. The guy who glued it back together, he probably got a kick out of going, I'm going to close this and they're not going to know. I will say this, and this isn't in the story, but I am guessing that also in that enema bottle is sperm. I think this guy masturbated into it. He totally got off knowing that somebody's going to reuse his... I do. Sal was like, I just used one from CVS last week. Sal, I know I told you to listen to the show, but just... You're just one click away from the cute kittens on YouTube. Imagine this guy going to prison. I have a friend whose baby just fucking shat through the diaper, okay, on a Ralph's shopping cart. You know where the baby sits. Oh. And she sent me a picture of it and I'm thinking, what the fuck, man? Now, even if you clean that... Clean up on aisle three. Go closer to the mic. You don't disinfect it. What are the hand wipes? What's that? Those hand wipes. Yeah. What kind of animal is yours? You know, that brings up a weird point. And before we move on to the questions, Nestor, I read something in the paper where, you know, they always do the test like of hotel rooms and then they tested shopping carts. Shopping carts, they found fecal matter on the handrail of shopping carts. It's like, now I understand the rare case, like you said, but how is fecal matter getting onto most shopping carts? Maybe you would be... Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. No, seriously, you would be amazed at how dirty the planet is. Yeah. As far as like... Or even the gym, like all the belt... But now, you go to the fruit section or vegetable section and you put the shit right on top of that part and who washes their fruit? I do. Sure. Everybody does. Yeah. Good. Okay. Dude, I wash this microphone. And I'm going to wash all of the microphones after this show. But I wash my fruit with an enema bottle so you don't say it. That's what I'm saying. Do you wash it with the fleet enema juice? Yes. Yes, I do. You wash with ass juice. Okay, we're going to move on. CVS Pharmacy in Jacksonville. We have questions. Again, if you want to call in, join us here on Bed Advice. I encourage... Sal's mother, listen, I would like you to call at 800-893-9562. Your boy is a charming individual and has nothing to do with any of this. But he's a fine, fine young man. He looks good in that prison shirt. We just roped Sal in this room. He was looking for the restroom. I was. We kidnapped him and put him in the booth. Is anyone getting turned on by that ass juice story? No. I mean, I'm not, but I'm just curious. Okay. They make vegetable wash. I mean, the same thing could apply. Ass wash? They do. They make vegetable wash. No, vegetable wash. It's called FIT. F-I-T-T or something? Yeah. This guy goes to prison. He's going to get pounded. Yes, but his ass is going to be very, very clean. All right, guys, it's time for stories. Or not stories, questions, if I'm not mistaken. First question of the day. This one comes to us from, let's see, Dave. Dave did not say where he's from. Dave wrote in and said, my wife insists on having the lights off during sex. I want to see what's going on. How can I get her to relax and loosen up? Systematic desensitization, Dave. One candle at a time until the room is bright. Or on fire. Or on fire. Or too hot. You got to screw out, George. I suggest LED forehead lights. The miners? Oh, a little miner hat. Well, you can, you start out dark, and once she's relaxed, you can turn the thing on, and you can, you know, see what you're looking for. You need to make your wife or your girlfriend or whatever feel really sexy. Whatever she has, whatever her shape, you need to show her that you think she's hot. That will make her comfortable. But how do you do that? You know, you got to, you know, have facial reactions go, oh, is that what she wants? But if the lights are off. I'm also telling her. You taste like Hostess Ho-Ho's and Twinkies. You got to give the looks and the this going to your body. But she wants the lights off, period. No, but the idea is, you start with them on. See, I think you guys are missing the bigger point. You give the body cues to let her know that you think she's damn hot. I'm with you. That's the problem. Guys are assholes. I think the best way to do that is with your tongue. But we're dogs. That's perfect. I think you guys are missing an entire perspective here. Okay. You're assuming, and even, and this is my advice for Dave here. Dave, you seem to be assuming that the issue is with her self-image or her level of comfort. Why don't you take a look in the mirror, Dave? It's quite possible that Dave is such a disgusting mess, it's him that she doesn't want to see. Wow. That's a good point. That's a shit America in the first place. coming from a guy. Yeah. I'm just saying, it's like, Dave, what if she looks good but you look like crap? That's tough love. First of all, the truth is that I feel that when you're a man, I believe, this is my theory on how men should behave, we are in the customer service business. Seriously. And our woman is the customer. So you're saying Dave needs to have a receipt. So I serve my customer and I do everything I can, to make her feel comfortable, which would include complimenting her on the things that I really love about her. Let's start. Go ahead. Well, I think you've got a beautiful... No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't get him started. I love your slim, I think you have a beautiful body, I'd say that. I love the way you roll up your cuffs. I like, you got a great smile. I think you got a really good, from what I can tell, you're just sitting, but I love that slim body. Oh, baby. I love that kind of... I love the highlights on your hair. I love... I love slim. You know, here's the difference. When Vic took his shirt off, all of us were appalled. When Shay did it, there's applause. I also love that black bra. You're like, what? Well, I mean, I can't help it. I, you know. He's right. Okay. Again, I shouldn't have to repeat this. Focus. Okay, okay, here's my advice. Okay, Dave. Trust me, he's focused. Dave, my advice is... Who put me in this seat? You take A1 steak sauce and an enema and you use that to put it in between your thighs. Put it between your thighs. But squirt it with the enema bottle. Bring a horse into the room. Now, but have the horse lick the A1 steak sauce. Shay will come along in a bikini. Vic will be jerking off in the corner. Jeff's voice is so wonderful, everyone will get turned on. Nestor will be carrying the Puerto Rican flag in his hand. What I suggested earlier, I would apply to this as well. I think that, as I said, I think the mind is incredible in bedroom and I think that this is an opportunity for some role play. I think that this is an opportunity for some role play. If she doesn't feel comfortable in the light, you can put a mask on her. That's good. Or some, like, a cape or have her dress like a little cheerleader or something. You're working some shit out here, aren't you, Vic? Look, I also have one other piece of advice for Dave. Dave, if it turns out it's not you and it's just her, sometimes a little tough love. Like, you know, convince her that it'll be very sexy, try a little bondage, get her tied up, turn on the lights, go for it. Yeah. Maybe she needs to be in shape. I mean, if she's, you know, uncomfortable with her body, that's her own fault. Yeah. Go back to the first part. Bad advice, Shay. Here you are getting real. Shay got all serious on me. I know, Shay. You just said a couple minutes ago, you need to tell her she's sexy. Now you're like, it's her, that's that bitch's fault. Look, not every woman has the shape of a magazine. Not everyone has your shape. Thank you. Let's just say that. So if she's a little bit round or this or that, I mean, look, there's also general... I know, right? You hear that, too? I know. Jennifer Lopez, is that what you're going to say? Holy cow. She's round. She's changed the image of what's considered sexy. She's changed the image a little bit. You know who's changed the image? Pardon? Those dove ads with those overweight models. Love it. They've changed the image of what a woman could look like. They're not, they're voluptuous in a proportionate way. Love it. What she's saying is that the woman should take responsibility for herself. Okay. We are moving on, guys. Next question. Here we go. Our next question comes to us from Marco in Virginia. Marco wrote, while cleaning out the attic of my deceased parents' house, I found a box containing homemade porn videos. It's pretty disgusting stuff. Should I tell my other siblings or keep it secret? I'm not sure I'd want to know. Oh, man. My advice is you keep them to yourself and jerk off whenever you feel like having A1 sauce. Oh, I don't think I could jerk off to a video of my parents. And they're deceased? So how old are they or how old are these videos? It doesn't say. Well, they're on beta. That should tell you something. They're just chipped into rock. If you came across your buddy and his girlfriend, like videos of your best friend, would you watch it? Yes. No. Well, wait. It depends on the girl. There's a sense that... No, and I'll see... I have a video of my best friend. This is good. I mean, look, I'm good friends with Jeff here, but if he tells me it's like I was with that 500-pound woman, it's like, no, I'm not watching, but, you know. I'm going to definitely watch. I hate it. Not to embarrass you, Shay, but seriously, if it's you two, I'm like, bring it. You know. Okay, how about this? It's a video of Shay and I. You discover in the basement. Would you watch? I'd watch it. Me too. Well, there you go. But, you know what? I'd film it. No, seriously. If it's your best friend, would you watch it? You could stumble across it. Would you watch it? But that's not what we're talking about. Yeah. Focus. The line is, there's a connection. So let's say it's your sister. If you found your sister's video, you wouldn't watch it. Absolutely not. So it's the same premise. It's the sense of family. But you can't compare family and friends. It's your parents. It's your parents. I know. But here's the... Okay, look. I have advice for Marco. Marco, look. Let me ask you a question. The next family event, be it Christmas, Thanksgiving, do you have a sibling? Because he's asking, do I tell him... Why do they have to be Gentiles, Drew? What? Hanukkah? Okay. It doesn't matter. Whatever it is. What I'm saying is, you could... Let's say you have one sibling that's always showing you up. They always have the best gift or the best story. They always top you. You. Break out this video. Bam! That shit's over. You have now taken the cake. That's the official family reunion. Follow that, motherfucker! Exactly! Bam! I would watch a video of anyone fucking anyone. Right. Okay, let's just get that straight. My advice is upload them to YouTube. Ah! See, I think there's a niche market that this guy has not exploited properly for cash and valuables. Have you? Absolutely. That's true, too. Like an old farts fuck club. Oh, yeah. But who says they're old? First of all, we don't know when the videos were made. They might be old. They might not. I don't know. That's true. They could have been 70s hairy pussy porn and that's highly valuable. There you go. Because you can't find that. Well, some people have hot parents. What if his parents were really good looking? Again, I think as the kid, you're like, I don't want to see my parents, but other people would certainly want to see it. So basically, like a lemonade stand, you open it up on the corner and you let all your children and neighborhood kids go, hey, man, you always wanted to fuck my mom. 20 bucks. You can check it out. That is a perfect bad advice. First of all, genius. Next question. We got 15 minutes, guys. Here we go. Remember, if you want to call in and join us here, we are available 800-893-9562. Our next question comes to us from Troy in Westlake. Troy wrote in and said, my girlfriend is a recovering alcoholic. We used to have great sex, but ever since she's been sober, sex has been almost non-existent and she's been having and the sex we do have is not that good. Is there anything I can do? Yeah, start fucking a chick who drinks again because evidently that's what you'll like. No, my advice is to get her drunk. Yeah, you see, I tend to agree with Troy. It's like, listen, you can be supportive just go, listen, I am really proud of you and to celebrate, let's have some champagne. Right. I'm with you. Anyone else? I'm still on the last story because I just have to add one thing. I just, you know, I'm going to leave it at this. He couldn't leave it alone. I want my, I don't know if you remember I said this when I, our last stand-up thing, but it's the truth. I want my mom to watch me have sex. No, hold on. I have a reason for this. Ew, ew, ew. Hold on. Hear me out. Hear me out. Jay, will you hold me while I hear this story? No one likes to hear this. No one likes to hear it, but there is an explanation I think makes it sense. I'm listening. Okay, quickly. Go ahead. Growing up, my mom has always been so supportive in everything I do. She went to every Little League game and I sucked. Oh, hold on. And I sucked. I was not good. But when it comes to sex, I am good. I know what I'm doing and she would be so impressed. She would call all her friends. Customer service, five-star rating. She would call her friends and she'd say, you won't believe Victor. He's such a loving boy. You know, he serves her. She had six climaxes. He waited to the end. Vic's mom is Jackie Mason. Yes. All right. Moving on to the next one. That one makes sense, right? It makes sense. Oh, God. Well, Vic, here's the thing. If you ever do have a porn video, I will be happy to share it with your mother. Oh, that's nice. I will never make porn. It's too private. Again. See, as someone who... I shouldn't even mention this before, but has anyone else... Has anyone else done this? Done what? Made videos of themselves? Oh, that's crazy. No. Just leave that shit to the professionals. That's all. If I was paid, does that count? Yeah. Okay. But I'm saying most of us, we don't have the skills, to make it look that good. You know what I'm saying? I did when I was younger. Moving on. All right. Here's a question. This one will be for Vic, then. Okay. Tom wrote in, what's a normal amount to masturbate? I think I may be addicted. Tom. When you have scabs, that's a problem. Really? You can... When it bursts into flame. Yeah. That's been a problem of mine. But yeah. When you need to put steak sauce on. Why don't you just, like, use lubricant? No, this isn't me. I've never had scabs. It's a friend. So ask your friend why he didn't use lubricant. No, I've never had a scab issue. Vic is masturbating right now. Okay. I've actually been able to have an orgasm without touching myself. There is no normal amount. Is that why that stain's there? Although I do have to say, for a one-sentence question, Tom had several grammatical errors. So I'm guessing maybe he was... He's probably masturbating while he's not fully ready. Oh, Ted? My master. You're assuming that the guy who is a compulsive masturbator will carry a tube of lube everywhere he goes. How about if you're in the middle of, like... A podcast. ...the elevator and you want to jerk off and you don't have the lube? You know what I mean? No, every man... No, that's a good point. Every man, because it's usually a male issue, should have rules, boundaries around their masturbation. I have them around mine. No masturbation in public. No masturbation in... That would include bathroom stalls. That would include at work. That would include in cubicles. Always. Truck stops. All of them. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, truck stops? Oh, yeah. No, you can't include truck stops. You're trying to take away all of our fun here? Well, because... Because anything that's illegal that could be considered, like... A nude act, like George Michael? That would be wrong. No, wait. But guys, you're... So wait, you've done it in the elevator? I'm only thinking about the person whose hand you shook after. No, no, not in an elevator, but like in a stairwell. Like if you're working and you get an impulse to touch yourself and you're in the middle of... You've done... Sorry, you've had a friend who's done this in the stairwell? I have a friend who told me about this, but let's say... Let's say you're in the middle of New York City, right? And you're walking by and you have a compulsion to jerk off. Take it home. You just can't whip it out like Vic said in the middle of the street. So you go to a stairwell, you're like, ooh, this building's got a stairwell. So you gotta go into an office building and you can't do it in an elevator. You are the Superman of jerking off is what you're saying. So you have to go into a stairwell. You might have a problem. You do it wherever you feel like doing it. Nestor, you might have a masturbation issue, seriously. Where's the kinkiest place you've done it? No, no. Kinkos? Most definitely in the butt, Bob. I had sex in kinkos. That went with the dating game. The newlywed game. I had sex in kinkos. Not with myself, but the woman. I don't know. It's good. Well, wait a minute. I like your dirty faces. Is there, though, a normal amount? I would say, Tom, as long as it still works, you're doing fine. Poor person plane. Like, if when you climax, it just coughs and air comes out, you know, if there's like, you know, little like dust particles, maybe you've exceeded the limit. If you climax and your penis does this, maybe too much. It's time to give it a break. No, actually, I have a story about this. Okay, listen. I'll let you tell it if it's quick. Okay, I'll be real quick. I, one time, I like to, I was going out of town. This doesn't sound quick. And I made it, when I masturbate, occasionally, I make love to myself, I make it an evening. You know, there's some wine, we have candles. It's a special night. So anyways, I went out of town. I was very nervous about the trip and I made love to myself like six times. And then it turns out I couldn't stop going number one the next day and I had to go by ambulance to the hospital. I was so uncomfortable from too much masturbation. And when I talked to the doctor, number one? Shay's eyeballs opened up. Okay, we've said fucking shit and now he calls it number one. Okay, come on. No, he means he's number one at masturbating. But anyways, I went to this urologist in Beverly Hills and he said to me, he just looked at me, he's like in his 70s, great guy. And I thought, you're going to give me a prescription, what are you going to do? And all he said is he just looked at me with disgust and shook his head and just goes, leave it alone. That was it. Just leave it alone. All right. Next question. Next question. All right. This one, now Shay, it's interesting that you're on the show this week because this one is right up your alley and I don't mean that in a sexual way. Not in an enema way? No. Here we go. This one comes to us from William and Carson. William wrote in and says, anytime I have a girl over, my dog takes her panties and eats the crotch out of them. Get that. Now as amusing as I find this, is there anything I can do? The dog's name is Vance. Vance is a dick. My advice is they sell titanium panties and ballistic gray crotch in some panties. You have to go online and search for them and I'd get your girlfriend or have a spare pair. Well, here's the most obvious resort. Hide them. So easy. Put them out of reach on the refrigerator. Put them somewhere. First of all, you're a dog trainer. I think you, William is the dog trainer I want because however he taught his dog to get and do that trick, he didn't teach his dog. He didn't teach his dog. The dogs are attracted to the smell and moreover, they're also more attracted to women's used hygiene products. Used, used, yes. Women's used hygiene products. It drives them crazy. The issue is, what is the crotch, what is the scent? You know what I mean? No, but the issue is, I don't think that's the issue. It's even more than that. I don't know if you guys realize if I reread it, it says, anytime I have a girl over, my dog takes her panties and eats the crotch out. That means this guy's getting laid every day. Yes, and that's what I'm saying. This is a well-trained dog. Especially, is the dog the one getting... I bring a girl over every day. How is the dog getting to the panties and the crotch unless the panties are off the girl? Okay, that's my question as a dog trainer. Is the dog the one getting the panties off? Can you train a dog, Shay, to take off? If it is, that is a trick I want my dog to do. Are we talking about dogs or guys? I'm with you. That is truly man's best friend. Okay, so then the question is, Shay, could you teach us how to train our dog to take the panties off of every girl I bring home every time? Forget the eating. That's the question. I can. You can. I can. It's going to cost you. It doesn't matter how much. He's game. He's like, I'm game. We could all tip in and have one. Just go to sbdogtraining.com. SB? Shaybehavioraldogtraining.com. Wow. I don't even know what the... I'll teach you all kinds of tricks. It's kind of like Shay Booty Dog Training right now. I actually thought it stood for sexy bitch, but that's just me. Shay, I have two cats. Can you teach my cats to do this? No, I have two. Sorry. Wait. He's not into cats. This is just coming out now. We have six minutes left and now we find out this is a two cat guy? Oh, that's a whole other kettle of fish. Kettle of fish? Yes. You know, cats have attitude. They're like, don't talk to me. I can't deal. I don't like cats either. You want to pet me now? Okay, now. Now I'm done. Leave me alone. Hang on. They're like girls. My cats can unhook a bra with one paw. They can do that. What the hell do you need to be training for? Good grief. I don't even know why this is a story. I mean, this is what dogs do. They sniff it. They have women's underpants. That's what, I mean, it's just. They chew the crotch out. They're getting a sense of how much estrogen, how much testosterone. They're figuring out whether you're male or you're female. They can tell by the amount how old you are. You know how dogs can sniff out drugs or whatever it is? They can sniff out if you have cancer, if you're sick. So a dog can go, oh, this other person, dog thing is sick. They're not going to attack me. I'm the elephant. Can you train a dog to, you know what? Dogs can sniff out cancer, skin cancer, melanoma. Yeah. Wow. See, but you guys are getting so serious again. They can, but most people are too stupid to pick up on the signs because we depend on speaking. That's how we communicate. We're not reading body language, the ears, the neck position, the kind of looking and all of that. That's what I teach. This guy's a moron. Okay, I'll get back to the story. Yeah, get back to the story with William. It was said earlier by Shay, you just hide the panties. It's not a big deal. How tall is your dog? Eight feet? You put it in a closet. I don't know what this is even. I think you're, again, you're missing opportunities. William, listen, this is Drew. Let me help you out here. William, if your dog is eating out the crotch of the panties and he's able to get the panties, just get your dog a PayPal account, excuse me, a PayPal account because you can sell those things. There you go. To Vic Cohen. Vic has just left the booth to go find this dog. I know. All right. Our next question, we got just a couple minutes left. Time for a little bit more. Here we go. Our next question, this one, I'm not even sure I understand, but we have a foreign fan of the show. This one comes in. It was written, this is Suzanne here from Germany. I love that I can get your show online. Well, we appreciate you listening, Suzanne. Thanks, Suzanne. Suzanne wrote, here's my question. I think I may be a lesbian. How do you know? Do you get turned on when you look at women? If you're grabbing panties. You want to touch yourself. Sorry, go on. Sorry. Yeah, if you, instead of your dog, are eating the crotch out of the panties. Right. If you think vagina would make a very fine you'll play flavor, you might be a lesbian. Shay can actually train a dog to detect lesbian. Yeah, I would say it's like, you know, just do a taste test. Cock? Cock. Or pussy. Pussy, yeah. Whichever one makes you throw up, go the other way. It's like Coke or Pepsi. Kind of like the same thing. Suzanne, if you got to ask this question, you're a lesbian. Exactly. That's not right. My point, exactly. Okay. All right. Moving on. Good enough. Next question. Here we go. Our next question, next question is, it seems like every time I fly, I always get a CD either right in front of or right behind a screaming kid. What can I do? Bring crayons. Will in Tucson. My advice. What was that? Bring crayons. No. Crayons. My advice is take the kid and put him in the fucking toilet bowl in the back, flush it, and he'll stop crying. I say sit in an exit row. It's like, oops, the door opened. That doesn't work. That's 25 bucks extra now on most airlines. That doesn't work. I've done that on JetBlue. Wait, they flex children in the exit aisles? Little kids? No. You as a person, you sit in the exit. If the kid's right behind you or right in front of you, it's not like a seatbelt's going to hold in that little thing. Just the air pressure, you know how everyone kind of gets sucked out? The kid's going first. It's light. They should make people with babies pay more. I agree. They should have baby-only flights. I agree. I agree. Baby-only flights? No parents? Babies should not be allowed on red-eye. I'm sorry. No parents, just the kids, a bunch of screaming little maniacs. Here's my advice. Here's my advice. Here's what you do. You got a kid next to you. You're on a plane. You're on the phone. They say, sir, can you stop using your phone? You say, no, excuse me. I have to use my phone. I have to register on the Megan's Law website. That will get the kid away from you. And that will get fucking the FBI sitting next to you and taking you off the plane on the next fucking day. But you're registering. They should have an age limit on planes. Like they have height limits on amusement park rides. No, they should have 15 or 16. They should have adult flights. Like they used to, you know, adult flights and they have children. How many times you say they shouldn't have babies on a red eye? That's terrible. How many fucking babies are usually on a red eye? Usually more than on a regular flight. Or in the movie theater. You're hoping they're going to sleep, but they don't. All right. I agree. Okay. We got time for one more quick question and then we're going to wrap it up. This one comes to us from Melissa in New Jersey. Melissa wrote in and says, my husband insists he was abducted by aliens as a child. Is he crazy? Yes. Really? You think so? I don't know. You don't tell people that shit. It's your wife. Really? If you thought you were... And if your wife is ponying out this information to public people, she's not your friend. Is he asking for strange things? Like, hey, could you anally probe me in the bedroom wearing this ET costume? Right. What's... Can you go to CVS and pick me up an anal probe? Make sure it's not been used, please. I don't know. I think... It's gonna depend. Look, I think if most guys are going like, the reason... You know, if he's saying, the reason I wasn't here this weekend was I was abducted by aliens, you might want to check his phone records. Like, maybe there's another woman involved. Now, but he says, I guess, he was abducted as a child. Right. All right. Didn't she just found this... Does that make him crazy? No, that just means he was molested and covering up. It means he did too much ecstasy or something. I don't know. I was abducted by an alien priest. All right. Well, guys, we got 40 seconds left. I want to thank all my guests today. You all did a fantastic job. Jeff Hendrick, Sal Rodriguez, Nestor Rodriguez, Vic Cohen, and Shay. Once again, your website is... SBdogtraining or shayuval.com. Vic? Viccohen.com. V-I-C-C-O-H-E-N.com. I'm looking for friends on Facebook. Nestorrodriguez.com. N-E-S-T-O-R. Rodriguez. Salrodriguez.com. Jeffrey Scott Hendrick on Facebook. Okay. Make sure you like Bad Advice on Facebook. You can submit your questions there. Subscribe for free on iTunes. You're listening to Skid Row Studios.com. See you next week. Bam! Later. Wow. That was pretty good, man. Yeah, yeah. That was pretty good. That was pretty good.