Self-care in DS relationships, personal struggles, and barriers

that's the way to confuse the people fantastic hello welcome to intellectual kink I uh I'm adjusting my microphone levels I'm insidious muse I'm service slut she's actually currently a coughing slut so she's getting herself some things to stuff in her mouth cause that's what sluts do so that she doesn't cough see what I'm saying see how that one works except for you're not you know you don't stuff things in your mouth that's not a you role not no for whatever reason that is what that is anyway but I didn't say any who here we are and tonight I didn't get a lot of sleep last night no cause you did a lot of fucking I had the sex and because the sex happened after you left too for those of you there was more sex who would like to know what that was can you just search the hashtag watching I am fuck and you will get a play by play you're welcome it it yes it was very entertaining it was I wasn't watching I was busy so yeah you were busy getting pounded I told you that's what he does that's what he does it's my favorite thing about EB favorite thing dude he's a machine like I told you he doesn't look like it like you would not guess it to talk to him but then all of a sudden I was like whoa see this is why I don't always go out with the best looking guys you know what though but he had like a baby face like he was okay yeah I told him baby face like he's totally looked like the kind of guy that I would have dated when I was still dating men don't tell him I said that I I I I! I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't I won't anyway so and you know wait this is this is key those of you on the Twitter that follow us know just how unhappy my mistress becomes when she is deprived of the sex yes I would categorize you having sex as a form of self-care I actually that was that was going to come up tonight I could throw some pretty good punches very entertaining but my follow-up was yeah I mean who needs therapy when you have EV it's called sex therapy I'm going with that I'm okay yeah well and so to segue into the topic which is self-care and this is something that you and I personally talk about with each other quite a bit because it's I think that it is really one of those topics that is just oft forgotten and yet it is so incredibly important to me that I'm not going to be able to do it myself because I'm not going to be able to do it myself but I think it's so incredibly important not just within the confines of DS or any relationship but as an individual as a human being even if you don't have a current relationship self-care is probably one of the most important things that you can do in your life and I think it's just one of those things that we forget I mean within our society we end up getting so caught up in the things that we have to do and obligations and then even in these bouts of laziness that are not and have nothing to do with self-care they're just flat-out lazy those days where you just sit and you do nothing but watch Netflix that's not self-care I get it that it's fun and it's awesome sometimes but at the end of it you didn't do anything really for yourself you know an hour of vegging is really probably all you need but there are other things that you need you need physically, you need mentally, you need emotionally that are components of self-care and that we forget about them and a lot of times we as human beings have an expectation that somebody else is going to help us take care of these things whatever they may be and that's where we falter and it's not anybody else's responsibility it's our own it's our own to make sure that these things happen I think that that sense of somebody else's responsibility a lot comes in with the DS where you know a submissive they're like well unless my dominant tells me to maybe I'm not going to do it and that's not it depends on the confines of how the relationship is defined however really most dominants want to be like well I'm not going to do it I'm not going to do it most dominants want a submissive that knows how to take care of themselves that know when they're falling off of the wagon or when they're not you know in the tip top shape to be the best submissive they can be and on the flip side it's a dominant's responsibility to take care of themselves to ensure that they're going to be the best dominant that they can be the best person it's all about making sure that you are a well-tuned machine it's like mental, emotional, physical tune-up that's what self-care is what? no I'm just thinking about you getting tuned up last night this is all going to be about the sex last night isn't it? no no it's not going to be all about the sex well and to give an example I mean what would you categorize for self-care for yourself? I am not an example to follow I just I'm asking you what you would say are examples I'm getting there I'm getting there alright you're like the what not to wear of self-care dude I am like the poster child for the complete opposite of self-care but when it does happen it's getting enough sleep okay taking regular showers okay showers are magical yeah yes taking pride in my appearance ah hence this beautiful she has a new haircut and it is gorgeous of course many of you don't have any idea what she looks like those of you who do she has this most beautiful like very long dark hair and it's it would go down almost to her waist until she got it cut and she and it was all just kind of one length and it was very long and all she ever did was pull it back ever just pull it back and when she wears it down everybody comments on her hair because she wears it down because she has such pale skin and these blue blue eyes with dark hair it's like wow it's that combination that everybody's like damn and so she always pulls it back and I'm like what do you do that what's the point of having such fantastic hair if all you do is pull it back and so she went as her self-care and she got this fantastic cut with these long layers and these side swept bangs oh my god it's so cute I'm so excited I would do Barbie dress up with her hair oh are we doing dollification is that what we're doing we can yes yeah um and those are just a few things I think that um I hesitated to say those things because they sound like really basic stuff um but sometimes um getting enough water in a day uh can be a challenge you know making sure you eat on time is a challenge um I know that it's not just specific to me where you know you're an S-type and you have all these responsibilities you have work and all the responsibilities that are within that you have your family you have friends and then you have your D-type and then all of the responsibilities that come with that and it gets really really easy to just let yourself kind of fall through the cracks and it's not anybody's fault it just happens because you were so caught up in taking care of everybody else or you know keeping up with everything else um that you just forget you genuinely just forget and then you don't remember until you know you know it's the middle of the workday you're having a hard time breathing and you're kind of flipping out and um yeah and you pop an Ativan and you pop an Ativan yeah yeah yeah um and I think that the hardest part about self-care number one is the motivation to do it but even before that is identifying what works for you versus what works for somebody else because Nancy can tell you everything that she needs to do for self-care and some of it may resonate with you and some of it may be like why that seems so basic or that seems like I could never do that whatever it is on either side but it's about what works for you and what doesn't let me give you an example um one of the things for me that is going to seem like the oddest self-care you could ever possibly imagine one of the things that I can do that like just makes me feel fantastic is have a clean living room if I walk in and my living room is clean I don't have to worry about it is there a stress I don't have to yell at anybody for why didn't you put a dish away it's it's clean I'm like it's like this one thing I don't have to worry about and so for me if I'm if I'm really being active in my self-care I would clean up my living room every day at the end of the day to ensure that you know the next day it's nice and clean right that's the idea but and I know that does that mean I like cleaning my living room not so much I don't really like picking up after other people it's just not my thing go figure um but if I'm trying to like be diligent in my own self-care I know that it's really a minor thing it's what 10-15 minutes at the end of a day and it makes a huge impact for the next 24 hours so those are the kinds of things that I'm talking about where you need to be aware of yourself of what works for you and what doesn't I mean for an example another example the idea of staying in bed all day and watching TV or Netflix it has an appeal on one level because you're like I'm just I'm taking care of myself all day laying in bed and I'm just I'm self-caring all day at the end of the day I will literally want to stab myself in the head because I did nothing I mean nothing there was no productivity I have nothing to show for the day if I don't have something to show for what I've done I like flip the fuck out so for me that's like anti-self-care like I can't do nothing like the end of the day when I've done nothing I'm like I just feel like shit like it's a downward spiral at that point so if that makes sense you know like you have to really be aware of what works and what doesn't work for yourself personally somebody else may be like wow that sounds like heaven you know and that might be their self-care because again it's about them what works for them personally see and I mean I end up doing that a lot and I know that part of it is that sometimes I just want to veg but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm okay I have to keep reminding myself that I can't stay in bed as much as I do because I'm you know I am currently battling depression so it's like that's like a no I am that is not something for me to do because it's not productive it's not conducive it's not self-care it's you know maybe in other times when I'm not as depressed and you know I am just seriously tired like I'm just tired genuinely tired then yeah maybe it's okay but you know if it's something where it's not really helping it's self-coddling which is not the same thing as self-care self-coddling is not productive it's not effective self-care is I mean you can under the list of self-care can be you know exercising three times a week exercising 30 times 30 times a day 30 minutes a day whatever those things just basic you know exercise like you said drinking water some some people self-care could be about you know monitoring their diet ensuring that they're getting fruits and vegetables and those kinds of things and for some people health you know the health healthcare self-care could be really important and I think that's what I'm trying to do I think that's what I'm trying to do self-care could be reading for 20 minutes a day writing for 20 minutes a day journaling on a daily basis making sure that they connect with one friend a day those other those are the types of things that can be considered self-care and it's all about kind of if you know how your car runs you know what kind of oil it needs and that's what it boils down to so for like the past like I don't know how many days every day I've been texting Redemptions girl and asking her if she drank water today okay like and I'm sure like the last time that I did it I probably annoyed her a lot and I realized that I mean I was I mean obviously I started doing it because I listened she's awesome and she's our friend and she has an awesome podcast called the fearless submissive yeah you should totally listen to it and she had an episode about about self-care and she talked about you know things that had been happening to her and how she was feeling about it and how she needed to take a better care of herself and so she had a rude wake up call yeah and so I started texting her asking her about that and the first time it was funny and then like the second time I was like oh hey let's take let's both take our meds right now one two three go and you know that was like an actual text that I sent her right oh wow I mean I was being silly and I realized the last time that I texted her to ask her if she had had any water that day that I wasn't that I wasn't drinking water oh I wasn't doing those things and I felt like you know asking her if she had done it was almost kind of a like a loophole for me not to you know I mean I care about her I love you Julie so much I care about her obviously but there was something that I was like wait what am I doing what am I really doing right now yeah are you assuaging your guilt for not doing the same exact thing mmhmm well and the idea I mean a buddy system I think is fantastic having a buddy system to ensure that you're doing whatever this one thing that you're committing to is brilliant I mean it's usually generally very effective unless you have a buddy that lets you get away with shit which tends to be the case sometimes but um if you're not using it in the way that it's really intended then it's not nearly as effective so like for you if you're you know trying to help her out but that's not even if she didn't ask me to oh she didn't ask you to she didn't ask me she didn't ask me to help her out I would fucking hate you right I'd be like um shut the fuck up yeah that's what I would say I'm sure I'm yes yes I'm sure yeah well yeah so I'll send her flowers or something she doesn't need flowers I feel bad send her a case of water clearly that seems to be the issue oh my fucking god that would be fucked up wouldn't it be fucked up it would be totally a sadist thing to do you send her the case of water shit I know I'll just see her in person how's that whenever that happens whenever that happens um yeah I mean it's one of those things where you and I I mean you pointed out some of the things that you had that were self care issues the problem when you have a relationship where you have a DS relationship when the other person is not doing their self care it really does impact the relationship because when you're not on your A game you can't give me service I can want to and you do want to but but you can't I can't I can't I can't I can't hold on oh there's a hold on just a disclaimer and that's not really a disclaimer it's just you know I'm just probably disclosing a lot more than I felt prepared to I want to there is the want you know and then and we talked about it you know it'll be a bad day something will happen at work or something will happen at home and then I get to your house and then it's like hey what's up I'm gonna collapse in your arms now yes I love you yes that will happen that happens that happens and the thing is that that's not there's nothing inherently wrong with that except that except the frequency with which it happens well no I mean what is inherently wrong with it is that you did not you didn't come out with that being a potential issue or that you wouldn't be 100% and I think that that's one of the problems I think you can't really participate in self-care when you aren't self-identifying issues no no no what I'm saying that is not inherently wrong is leaning on your dominant for support no no no but not as frequently as I've been doing with you I'm not saying that's not inherently wrong but I'm saying that's not inherently wrong but I'm saying that's not inherently wrong because that's what I've been doing with you right I mean yeah I mean it's just one of those things that happens but to a broader point is that you can't you can't participate in self-care if you're not self-identifying what's going on so for example you for the lack of a better term you were being an ostrich you were sticking your head in the sand and trying to like pretend that whatever these things in your life weren't impacting you the way that they were and you were trying to live your life as normally as you had been but you were really at about 50% and you weren't really able to do what you had been doing before but you kept just kind of going through the motions you were still really only giving 50% because that's all you could give because you know you have all of these major things that happen in your life at one time which takes a long time to recover I mean I understand that as a human being and so if you're not doing your due diligence in identifying within yourself what's going on then how can you care for yourself if you don't pay attention to the mileage of your life and the mileage of the car you don't know when the oil changes do you don't know when you're over you don't know oh my god when was the last time I rotated my tires all of these things I mean I'm using car analogies because it's a very accurate thing you know you need to get your oil changed you need to rotate your tires you need to do these types of things and so if you're not aware of that information you're not keeping up with that data then you can't possibly do the required maintenance to ensure that your human vehicle continues running smoothly and that I mean that's not a fault of your own it's not a criticism it's a human error that we all make every single time I've made it numerous times because we want to believe that we're capable of doing what we've always done we don't want to admit to ourselves that we have impediments that we have some disability at the moment to do whatever it is but the truth of the matter is we get disabled by a multitude of things every single day it could be emotional it could be mental it could be you know physical and these things will impede our ability to be everything we can be and the idea is if we practice you know a reasonable amount of self-care I'm not talking about being like a freaking you know taskmaster of yourself but a reasonable amount of self-care then it should be easier for us to continue in as much as we possibly can our best vein does that make sense? mmhmm hi why are you looking at me like that? because you said something awesome you know how sometimes like when we're talking and we're bullshitting and then like you listen back to the shows and then you're like oh I said that I do that too that was smart I was like wow I was really smart where the fuck did that come from? well this right now what just happened remember that I'll go back and listen I'll be really excited to hear what that has to say mmhmm so then fuck man what? I hate this cough I'm sorry I hate your cough too yeah I think you know but also when okay when you do have that time when you can lean on your dominant I think it's really easy to to feel like you shouldn't or that you should you know be be more be you know not this puddle but I think that there's something really important that happens when there is that leaning upon you know it brings you closer and I think that it's another way to show your vulnerabilities you know showing your vulnerabilities is not just about taking off all your clothes and taking a beating you know it's about being emotionally vulnerable right which is far which takes a great deal of courage takes a lot more courage to do that than to take your clothes off and be beaten and I mean and correct me if I'm wrong but I think that you know when an S-type does that when they open themselves up like that to their D-type I mean I'm sure that I mean that's gotta give you some kind of reassurance of the trust that they have in you absolutely absolutely and I think that that's that's the the nut of where where DS really lives is when both sides are being emotionally vulnerable to the other and they both trust the other with that moment of vulnerability I think that that's really where it all has to stem from and if you're not being emotionally vulnerable then it I think that that really negatively it negates a lot of the relationship then you're no longer really DS you're top and bottom if that makes sense mm-hmm so yeah I mean and it's it's not it when either side is feeling these you know when they're not 100% and they need resources I'm not saying don't reach out to the opposing person of your relationship but what I think is also really important is having a network of people to whom you can go for support and make sure to ask them beforehand or before you give your support ask them if it's okay before you start nagging somebody about their water I'm texting her right now because I feel really bad you feel you're so silly yeah and I think that that's another that that's a component that should be kind of one of those those pillars of self-care and that's about ensuring that you maintain relationships with people for example friendships you know kinships whatever they may be in order to ensure that you can help them and they can help you you have that kind of reciprocity and sometimes especially when people get into a DS relationship they sometimes forget about those other relationships those those networks that are so important because they're like oh no no I have everything in this person which you can't really get everything in any one person that's far too much responsibility for whoever that person is and and you need to be able to have other resources and other people outside of just the fact that maybe that person in your relationship is like the be all end all of everything and you probably could get everything from them but it's not good to have a unidirectional information having multiple sources of information is only going to better you as a human being it's only going to better your relationship so I think that you know as we're saying one of the pillars of self-care is maintaining these relationships with these networks in order to ensure that you have those sources at a future time and that other people have you as a source as well because it's not just about reaching out and getting it's also about giving because I know when I give help I feel better about myself that's a kind of self-care for me as well you know to a limit because if I give everything then it's like I'm done and I don't ever want to see you again so but that's one of my own personal limits it's one of those things where if you engage in that reciprocity then you do absolutely you are engaging in self-care for yourself and somebody else is engaging in self-care for themselves so everybody wins everybody wins while you text what? no I felt really bad sorry you know shit if every single time I start talking I start coughing this is horrible anyways I think that the carrot on the stick that thing that's going to motivate you to find out what you're doing what self-care is for you and to actually follow through with it I think there's a couple of things you know you want to be the as an S-type you want to be the best for your D-type you want them to be proud of you you want them to you know show you off and like other people are like wow I want that S-type blah blah blah blah blah you know I'm sure you don't quite feel that way but I think that's more now because my service has been subpar recently you mean wait other people saying it or me saying it? no I mean like you know there's not like I feel like my stock went down a little bit it's all relative yeah but you know trust me I still get people like hey can I clone her that's cute and I just smile I'm like yeah sure you can clone her thanks hey you know what there are there are issues that you bring to people and there are issues you keep behind closed doors that's how I was raised they don't need to know our issues I mean unless they listen to the show and then they know everything then they know everything no secrets but you know you can't be 100% for someone else if you're not 100% for yourself absolutely so I think that's something that's really important to keep in mind especially if you are service oriented of course you want to do all of the things for your D type but I mean how realistic is that if you can't do all of the things for yourself and you know you want I get that there's this like I don't know what the fuck it is but there's this like kind of like there's all these red flags that start coming up for me like things that are me and like I just speed right past them and I'm like nope go to her house nope I don't care if I only slept 4 hours last night who gives a shit I'm gonna go to her house and this is what I'm gonna do and whatever I'm gonna clean all of the things do all of the things yeah I'm just that's what I'm gonna do who gives a fuck about everything else and um and it doesn't quite end the way that I imagine it and then what ends up happening is that she doesn't get the service that she expected I ignored all of those red flags for myself and then no one's happy true it's true it just ends up in you know bitter disappointment broken down on the side of the road waiting for triple A what happens to a dominant when they don't do their self care and how does that impact the S type part of being a dominant is um having that confidence that a submissive trusts you is valid that your skills and your ability to be a dominant over anybody is is worthwhile is all of that is true and when for me personally when I don't take my own self care seriously that wavers significantly my sense of self suffers say that five times fast my sense of being if I can't control my own life my own body my own everything there is a nagging thought in the back of my head that constantly says what the fuck you can't even fucking dom yourself you think you're gonna fucking dom somebody else you know and it's there and it just it's like that beacon that keeps blinking in the middle of the night and you're like I can't sleep because that fucking light is on and that's kind of how it is and if I don't do things which I don't it becomes this inner battle there's this turmoil that goes on in my head um and I've got a you know for lack of a better term put my game face on when it's time to you know go play at the dungeon or it's time to do the show or it's time to you know be dominant or it's time to punish it's like okay I got it fake it till you make it exactly and that's really what it boils down to is like okay I don't feel it I'm just I'm just gonna fucking do it I'm just gonna do it and it'll happen and I mean it's fake it till you make it is insanely effective for many many things but doesn't that fuck with your intent during whatever that act is it does because there's always that turmoil inside now here's one of the challenges is that um it's not always self care it's sometimes it's my own shit from childhood and all that kind of stuff I just look behind me for my childhood not that that helps in radio but I'm just saying um and so there's always going to be a little bit of that struggle because that's my own psychology shit but when I'm not doing everything I can to keep myself tip top shape to be the D type that I know that I'm a supposed to be or really even that I know that I am on the inside um or even that people believe me to be or whatever all of these things go into play there's like a multitude of overlay and overlay and overlay when we're dealing with it so it's there's always a little bit of I think a little bit of doubt isn't a bad thing because I think that you cross into narcissism when you lack any doubt at all but it's one of those things where if I'm taking care of myself on you know even just you know three or four or five things drinking enough water which seems to be a big thing um exercising is a huge thing it's just for me mentally it makes a huge difference for me you know it's it's sex um sex is a big thing for me I like the sex it's a fantastic thing again that hashtag is watching I am fuck that that happened um anyway uh so for for me you're right it does fuck with the intent to a degree but um I'm a good enough showman that you can't tell what makes you feel taken care of oh wow that is a really complex question in the context of self care oh you know our topic that's a lot easier I'm thinking like in general like the grand scheme of things I'm like fuck I'm like well I have daddy issues so should we talk about that and that seems really inappropriate for the the topic um what makes me feel taken care of uh when I feel empowered that's what makes me feel taken care of uh because I'm taking care of myself and that it's it's a cycle it ends up feeding myself it ends up becoming a self propelled machine when and and to be empowered there's you know certain things when I'm actually doing making the actions to get things done that I need to do when I'm making sure my living room is clean when Laundry Mountain is gone you know these types of things it's like yes you know I'm doing that you know when I go to the gym and I actually work out you know I'm walking out of whatever Zumba class or even sometimes yoga and I'm like wow I feel great I feel like I'm on top of the world it's because it's feeding myself that's giving me gas in whatever way you know when I do when I write that does a lot for me I feel very I love having these milestones of accomplishment when it's like you know when I do try NaNoWriMo every year and I never finish it when I'm really in it and I'm actually starting to do it it's like wow my god I did 2500 words today which is like bam that's a lot of fucking words in one day I just that sense of wow I can do this it's having that concrete evidence that is proof that I am what I tell myself I am that's what self care is to me does that make sense you're giving me that look no cause you just say stuff and I'm like you're so pretty thank you I don't you know what is what makes you feel taken care of feeling in control of myself um being someone that other people can go to um yeah it's weird there's something really weird happens when I feel like I'm taking care of someone else like that's it feels like I'm being taken care of as well right so that one is really big for me the kind of giving back concept yeah um oddly enough when I'm at work and I'm that person that people go to because they know that I have it together and that I'm reliable that that gets me going um when my service was 100% that felt awesome cause I could always take pride in that um I'll get there again you'll see I don't have any doubt no just been a tough year yeah um I don't know I mean it's funny because when I think about getting taken care of I think about cuddles I think about cuddles because you know well that's why that when you asked the question I was like whoa cause it that is a very different question to me than self care when you feel taken care of that's almost as if there's an external force that's doing it self care is very internal yeah but is it you know wouldn't you say that a part of self care is also seeking out the things that make you feel good no no? I wouldn't say that that's part of self care I mean I guess it could I mean if I'm gonna put sex in there then I guess I have to exactly thank you no it's I suppose it could but I think that that really broadens the definition of self care and it makes here's the thing self care is hard enough as it is when we start making it so we start pulling other people into it then there are more and more excuses for why a person can't do self care I think that's a good question if and we have enough of them if all you are depending upon is yourself then to take care of the self care then your excuses start dropping off significantly you know hey I love sex sex is fantastic I'm a happier person when I have sex truth of the matter is if I'm not having sex I should exercise in place of that because it'll give me the same kind of endorphin rush right so I could ostensibly get the same results by myself that I get from another human being don't get me wrong I like it when they touch it's a fantastic thing touch therapy is a real thing but again I think that if we broaden that idea of self care I think it makes it easier for us to slack off and it's we all slack off enough when we are taking care of ourselves and it becomes even worse when people are caretakers of other people and whether it be you're caring for a parent you're caring for a child you're caring for a partner sometimes we also do make shift caring for things where we have friends and we're caring for a friend and become very emotionally invested in them and this and that and it impacts us it takes our energy it takes our compassion our love it takes all of that from us and it's not to say that there's a finite amount of it but to say that we're being held at some point we become exhausted I guess that's why I brought up being taken care of because if someone is giving something to you isn't that a way to refill it? I mean it is absolutely but again I think that it's the challenge is that's your only source and it's no longer self care you know it's you're having your mommy or daddy taking care of you which is not really what adults do we are supposed to not do that but again it takes a village and having resources and a network and things like that is never a bad thing and that can definitely be a part of self care trying to rekindle those connections can cuddle puddles be on my self care list? I don't know how you could do that by yourself I don't know I just really I mean I I would ask for permission to do cuddle puddles yes okay there we go that's awesome that just happened no I mean if here's the thing if for you cuddles I know for you affection is a huge part of what's on your your need list which is not exactly 100% the same thing as self care it's on a need list and your definition it's sometimes a moving target sometimes it's a hug and then you know it moves it's like oh well why not just a hug why not this and then it's a moving target it makes it a challenge to do the dance with ya on the where is Nancy's affectionate moment today you know but that's that seeking out some sort of affection I don't think that's a bad thing I don't think that I think it's something you should do but if you're doing all of your other self care things then seeking that out from an external source isn't the highest priority in the world right because if you're feeling good about yourself you're feeling strong and healthy and you've slept and you've drunk your water and you're doing all of these things then the the affection becomes you know like the cherry on top right does that make sense no I agree it's about the self care I think what are the barriers to taking that step and doing the self care oh god it's like clean all of the things it's a whole lot like that where you know you come up with this awesome list of all of the things that qualify as self care and you want to do them all at once don't do that I'm going there don't worry go it's a radio show silence doesn't work okay because that face was like ah anyways but yeah you know you want to do all of the things at once and that might not necessarily work for you I've been told that breaking them into smaller tasks might be better and you know focusing on that one thing that you know whatever item on your self care list for like a month and a half making it a regular thing and then adding something else to the mix and then juggling both things and then add a third thing once you feel comfortable with those two things I'm told that that works do you know that it takes 63 to 65 days to make something a habit no I did not yes I like to read so the common misconception is that it takes 21 days to make something a habit well that came from a single doctor who did observational studies on amputees where it took them 21 days to adjust to the fact that they no longer had whatever was amputated and it's very different for somebody who's lost a limb versus somebody who's trying to you know let's say go to the gym every day so the studies now have shown that it takes between 63 and 65 days to make something a quote unquote habit and missing one day doesn't reset it but missing two can so that's a little FYI for people I love that so those little things that you're like I want to do on a consistent basis whatever it might be drink 8 glasses of water a day walk at lunch every day you know go outside eat lunch away from your desk that's a big thing I think the one biggest challenge for me is actually no it kind of toggles between two you know it goes from do I really deserve to take this time for me and is it selfish to do this thing for me it goes from that to I don't have time there's other shit that's more important so many you know whoever it is is relying on me to do xyz there's a third one too is there? yeah I mean because those two things exist but the third one is also I'm tired and that's the third one right? everybody gets that it's just you know I look and I'm like I should totally do that but look there's the internet you know I mean it's one of those things that's like one of those things and we have so many things that can distract us nowadays from whatever that it makes it easier so it's as if we have to set up not just whatever these things that are self care but we have to try and figure out what are the distractions that prevent us from doing the self care are the distractions you know you keep hitting the snooze in the morning well maybe you should like in college I had my alarm clock across the room on my roommate's side of the room she didn't appreciate it I bet she also didn't appreciate when you fucked on her bed huh I still don't actually know if she knows I did that whatever anyway she would steal my lingerie so I didn't really feel bad about it anyway so I would have to have the alarm clock literally as far away from my bed as I possibly could because I'm the snooze queen snooze snooze snooze well I used to be I'm not anymore snooze snooze so I would have to like get up the alarm clock would go off and I'd be loud obnoxious radio whatever and I'd get up and then I'd go to the alarm and I'd hit it and I'd be standing there and I'm standing standing and I would have to be cognizant enough to be like okay I'm not going to go back to bed I'll just go to the shower but if that's you know if you're aware of what your limitations are you're aware of what are the obstacles what are the things that will prevent you from doing whatever these things are on your self care list then you need to figure out a way to try and remove them as much as possible if that makes sense yeah I think for me one of the biggest challenges to self care I mean there's the time and there is the I am actually taking care of other people but I think the biggest of all of those is I know me well enough and I am I can be efficient enough that I can do all of that I can take care of other people and myself I have that capability as fast as I talk as fast as I think as fast as I do things but it's that I don't want to I just don't want to get up what's behind the I don't want to laziness I mean that's as honest as it gets just fucking laziness and then I mean we can get into deeper if you want where it's you know I don't really deserve it you know I'm not worthy I feel you those things and that's why I'm here I'm the one that has you on a pedestal what? I'm gonna fall but imagine if I asked you to put yourself on a pedestal oh fuck you you just told me to do the same thing I did you guys are missing there's a whole other conversation we had before we always have these crazy conversations right before the show and you guys miss them and then I'm like why didn't we have this conversation on the show yeah you guys hear the way we talk on the show this is really the way we talk in real life except it's less monologuey this shit happens well you know what that's an interesting point if we go back to so there's this guy that I'm going on a date with and we haven't met yet and he has me on a fucking pedestal like a pedestal way up high and I'm like whoa I'm gonna really crash when I get knocked from this pedestal it's gonna happen cause it just happens it's just one of those things when you build somebody up to be more than they could possibly humanize they're gonna fall off a pedestal it's just the way it happens and so Nancy and I were talking about that and she says well I got a solution for you I'm like yes and she says well you put yourself on a pedestal that way nobody can knock you down because it's your pedestal nobody can knock you down I mean if you know that you're there and you have that sense of self that you belong on this pedestal then that's it and I think that that's the question it's like self care is do I belong on that pedestal it's a version of a self pedestal maybe not a really high one but it's a version of a self pedestal and if you don't think that you're worthy of stepping up to that you know one step you know I'm thinking of the Olympics with the one two three the silver bronze and gold if you're like well I don't maybe I deserve bronze I'm definitely not gonna go over to silver oh my god I can't go to gold that's way too high you know I think that that's one of the biggest barriers to self care in general is that that step isn't just one step it's you know it's this monumental mental leap that you're worth doing this for and for even the narcissist out there deep down we are a society of people with self confidence issues we're bombarded with things that impact our self confidence daily multiple times a day and therefore it's almost impossible not to have those self confidence issues on some level if we're being really really honest and so I think that's why we don't take that leap that step onto that pedestal for ourselves to treat ourselves the way other people perceive us needing or should be treated you know if I just treated myself the way that you think I should be treated fuck I would Jesus God I can't even think of the things I would do I'd be a fucking Olympian today and have a PhD and have a Nobel Prize you know all of those things but I don't look at myself the way you look at me and so I'm not gonna jump onto even you know that really really low pedestal much less the Eiffel Tower you have me on you know what I'm saying you feeling me dog yes I'm still gonna have you on the pedestal I'm not I'm not arguing that point at all I'm talking about the concept of as we as individuals making that step up really taking that concerted effort and just committing just doing it my fear is always that I'm gonna come across as being you know selfish that is always my fear well I think everything is about balance mm-hmm I think that everybody has every right to be selfish in a moment for whatever it might be and it's about perception as well where if you say no to somebody else because you were taking care of something because that is what you've committed to yourself then they might perceive it to be selfish but in reality you're not being selfish because you know you helped somebody before or you may help them another time I think that it's about balancing it out balancing the care for ourselves and our relationships with other people and no relationship should be one-sided where one person is giving entirely and never getting any sort of reciprocity and I think that that's when we start emptying our self-care banks by giving to other people so much and not giving to ourselves does that make sense? it does it makes perfect sense and I think that it's also about how you define selfish I think that the problem that we get a lot of times and a lot of times about how we've been raised oh yeah you come from a large family so if you wanted something it was selfish it was perceived to be selfish it still is and it doesn't whether it's a completely legitimate thing that you're requesting and it's not really even negatively impacting anybody it's still perceived to be selfish and so you've got that mental tape playing in your head from your childhood that's going to be impacting when you make your choices when you take care of yourself and you don't have to do whatever you can to do a digital overlay so that you're no longer perceiving yourself to be selfish I think this has been a really great show yeah super productive I feel really good I feel like we did really good self-care on the show today talking about how we fail at self-care I will listen back and feel better about it then too before we sign off though if you can please if you're listening to this on iTunes currently if you could do a review for us it would be really fantastic it's the best way that we can actually get some sort of appearance notoriety within the iTunes bank of the millions of podcasts that they have and rate us please we'd appreciate that as well and you know what feel free to share us because we personally think that it's a really great show we're really proud of it and if you would like to give us some feedback we'll take that as well because I'm on the Twitter at Insidious Muse and I'm at surface slut and we are at kinklectual for intellectual kink and we're always here at Skid Row Studios yeah and a special hello to Evil Little Bitch who sent us the loveliest little message on FetLife and I can't even begin to tell you like how much that made my night it's just always nice to hear from listeners it is and we'll be back next week I think next week we're talking about swingers dude I don't know I don't even fucking know anymore we got a lot going on so just stay tuned for the cool shit we do and my birthday's coming up okay bye