Communication in DS relationships, honesty, and safe spaces

Hello, welcome to Intellectual Kink. Hi. We got to get, you know, our technical shit together. I've been bombarded with like hipsters lately. Have you noticed that they've increased like exponentially in the last, let's say, four to six months? Yeah. It's bad. It is bad. It's an epidemic. It is, especially in LA. It's no good. Yeah. It's no good. Don't you just totally feel like you're home now? Yeah, I know. Hey, we're back. Thank you, Jeremy. We're back. I was just saying, I feel like Dorothy. You welcomed us home. I clicked my heels together and I'm back in Kansas. Yes. Yes. Although there's more. Driving and, you know, all of that kind of stuff. I'm okay with that. Well, you know, I kind of liked it where it was so convenient and- Where you just, yeah, no. Where I just went upstairs. You realize how that wasn't really convenient for me though. But you were living at my house basically anyway. So there's that. Hey, who are you? Hey, I'm Insidious Muse. Oh, hey, what's up? And who are you? I'm Service Slut. Ah, isn't that interesting? Yeah. And this is Intellectual Kink? Yes. If you're listening, you are what we call kink-electuals. Yes. Which I think is kind of witty. Wait, I came up with it. I should think it's witty. I'm kind of sick. So if like- You're always sick. No, I'm not always sick. I'm just, you know, just. Just. Just. Yeah. Just. Yeah. Well, for our magical comeback, you know, I don't know. I don't know. What do we call this? You know, don't call it a comeback. We've been here for years. Which we have. We have actually. We have been here for years. We technically, you know, our show's running almost two years on Skid Row. I think so. Yeah. And then, you know, we had a, we had a sabbatical. A sabbatical, yeah. And then we had a metamorphosis or in marketing terms, a rebranding. And we are now rebranded as Intellectual Kink. See how that works? Bam, bam, bam. Which, thinking about it, is probably the dumbest thing we could have done. Because all of those other people that had subscribed to the Lovebite are gone. But I really enjoy challenges. All right. So here we are. And here we are. The challenges. Yeah. I like how you totally like wordsmithed that entire thing. It is. It is one of my gifts. That and justifying anything I can. You want me to justify it? Let's figure it out. I can do it for you. Wow. Gift. If you know the field in which I professionally work. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. It works out very well. Exactly what I was just thinking. It might have been, you know, one of those things that happens. Hey, people. We're live. Yeah. Like now. Like you can listen to us. This is happening now. Yes. We have people on the East Coast. There are people that are just waking up in England. Well, they have to wake up really early, but I'm not saying it's not possible. Yeah. You know, whatever. Man in chains. What? I haven't talked to him in forever. You know why? Because he changed his Twitter name. Oh. Something else. Oh, now I can't find him. All right. I'll point him out to you later. Okay. Cool. Don't do this to me, people. You can't change your name and your av. I won't know who you are. And then I'll probably think you're a creep. It's just true. It's just the way it goes. You know what would have helped you in those instances is a little bit of communication. So happens to be our topic. Segway. What? Segway. Yes. So it's really interesting. I don't know if anybody knows. Nobody knows this, but I'm kind of the world's therapist. Like everybody comes to me and tells me their life story. Their whole life story. And so I get to hear a lot of communication issues. She's using the cough button. I totally had to announce that because I never use the cough button. You're a jerk. Continue. And so, you know, in that, I get to see third person a lot of things. Things that happen because of miscommunications. Anything from, you know, the omission of a minor fact or what is perceived as a minor fact by one person within the party. And then what is perceived as a huge fact by the other person in the party. Or maybe there's a third or a fourth person in the party, which of course makes these facts even more important. Yeah. Hey, what's up? Hey, how's it going? What's up? You make me nervous. Hey. Because I've had a really shitty day. Well, you know, you have shitty days. And then the person that ends up like kind of feeling it a little bit is this one right here sometimes. Well, you know, you. I was kind of afraid for you to give me a hug a little bit ago. Because I was like, fuck, she's not in a good mood. And her energy is going to be all like, fuck you and fuck your face. Well, you know, I mean, I love you. And you were a contributing factor to part of the mood. So, you know, it's one of those things. Yeah. There's that. There's that. So as a dominant, I have a question in terms of communication. Yes, ma'am. What do you find is your best strategy to listen? Because listening is a part of communicating. I'm actually a really good listener. It's one of my, it's one of my fortes. How do you know that you're a good listener? I'm not challenging you personally, but I'm saying how do you, how do you know? That you're a good listener? Well, it can go back to the, like, you know, listening 101, business listening. You know, are you, are you an active listener? Are you an attentive listener? All those things. And it's when somebody is telling you a problem, we can just put this into basic work scenarios. Somebody comes to you with a problem, a work problem. Can you listen to it? And can you explain it to them back? Say, am I understanding you correctly? This is your problem, ABC. And simplify it. As much as you possibly can. And they go, yeah, that's my problem. Okay, cool. If I can do that on a consistent basis, I'm a good listener. So receiving confirmation of what was said to you, that's how you know. Yeah. Well, and then I also solve problems. Okay. See how I did that where I listened to what you said and then I said it back to you. Yeah, but you said it like a little bitchy. So I was like, oh, I'm putting. What? No, you're in a bad fucking mood. I am in a bad mood. So you think, you think that you're perceiving things in a way that you're not. No, it's not. Okay. Perception. That is a huge key in communication. Now, I used kind of a really non-emotional way to describe kind of active listening. Because, you know, in, in, in, let's say a work scenario, we all are, we all wear our facades, our work masks. We all have different masks that we wear in different times of our lives. It's a, you know, a psychological and sociological realism. But when we are dealing with something. That is emotional. When it has to do with relationships. It becomes a little bit more difficult. Because you're no longer really wearing a mask. You're doing it yourself. And, and with your heart. And you are putting emotions. And the possibility of getting hurt on the line. And so it makes it a little bit harder. Because throwing all that in. Not only are you dealing with what people are saying. But how you're perceiving it. And everything you're perceiving it through. Is through the filter of your past. Your past shit. Your past baggage. Your fears. Your insecurities. Everything. Which makes it even harder to communicate. Does that make sense? Yes. So it's one of those things where I can say to you. Which we do this all the time. I could say to you, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Your, your service was subpar. You know, which a dominant saying it to their submissive is, is a fairly painful experience. You know, there isn't. Much worse than disappointing your dominant. When you're a submissive. And to have it be said in such a stark term. I mean, there's, it's not just, oh, if a then bad. It's not that. It's all of these other things. This complete downward spiral. The dominoes start falling in. Oh my God. What else is there? What else is going on? There's all of these things that start chewing at you as a person. Because of that. So there's the process. The processing of the information that takes its toll as well. And so it's difficult then to communicate back. You know, I mean, how, what goes on in you when I tell you things like I'm disappointed. All of what you just described. It's oh, she's disappointed. Oh, we're done. Everything's over. My life is over. She's dismissing me. This one mistake is ruining my entire life. A little, a little over top. But yeah. Well, you asked what goes on in my head. I get that. I get that. Does that make it difficult then to communicate? For me to respond to whatever it is that you said? To process it. Not even to the responding point. The processing it. Yes. However, disclaimer, I'll be the first one to admit that I process shit in a really fucked up way sometimes. Where I'm a lot harder on myself than I need to be. But I think in general, you know, when you hear something. You almost. You have to filter it out. You have to filter out what is factual, what is logical. And what feels like almost like a personal attack. Okay. You're not always so good at that. How do you do that? I'm. That's why I said in general. That's not. That's not me. Like, I know that that's my weakness. I am very well aware of the fact that. I don't think it's just your weakness. I think it's a human weakness. And that's why. I mean, if you can figure out a way to do that. I mean, that would probably be very insightful. I try not to have the. I don't want to have the conversation soon. Wait. Soon? No. I mean, if something is said to me. And I don't feel like I've finished reacting yet. I haven't processed it. Then I don't want to have the conversation. Yeah. I do the same thing. But the problem that often arises when you do that. Is that you're not the only person that's depending on the conversation. Someone else might already be ready to talk about it. And they don't want to wait longer. Because it's just going to be there. And just fester. You know? And so then it's. How do you balance. You know, that person who just fucking wants to just get past it. And just, you know, do whatever. And get it over with. And then that person who just needs a little bit of extra time. To really figure out what everything means to them. How they really feel about it. And that's hard. That's really tough. Well, and I think it becomes exponentially more difficult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so difficult when it's the D type. Who is setting all of, you know, the. Basically the communication boundaries at that point. After you've already established your pre-established limits. Etc. And things like that. And they're saying that. You know, we're having this conversation now. You don't have a choice. But when you're not emotionally ready for it. To me, that makes it a one-sided conversation. It's really not communication. You're talking at someone. For those that would understand the difference. It becomes a soliloquy. Which is, you know, somebody talking to themselves. As opposed to monologue. Which is a lot of person talking. But apparently somebody's listening. And so that, I mean, again, these are all of the things that come into the challenges of communication. But outside of getting into that shit, which makes it really challenging. I think we can kind of start with the basics. The basics of communication. Um. I think honesty. Which is kind of like step one. Is actually really challenging steps sometimes. And the reason I say that. Not because people inherently are dishonest. I think that the challenge is in order for one to be honest with somebody else. They have to be honest with themselves first. And sometimes we're not always so honest with ourselves. Because. Because. Um. For whatever reason. The truth is upsetting. Challenging. It challenges us. It draws into question things that we don't want to necessarily think about. And so if you haven't had that moment of self-reflection. Or many moments of self-reflection. Then the conversation that you're going to have with somebody is really only half-baked. And that makes it a real challenge. From that. I mean. And that's when you even know potentially what the issue is. Does that make sense? Yes. Have you had experience with this? Oh girl. Oh wow. Um. You're right. You know. It's not like you are intending to be dishonest. Yeah. You just don't have the words. Right. You don't know. So. Okay. So. Um. I had been struggling for a long time. To identify something that I was feeling. Um. In relation to. Uh. My mom not being around anymore. And I couldn't fucking figure it out. And I was just really. I mean. I thought. Okay. Well. Am I depressed? Yeah. Kind of. Sort of. No. Totally. Actually. Um. You know. Am I angry? Yeah. Okay. I have all of those feelings. But like. What is it? That's. You know. Happening. And then. A mutual friend of ours. You know. Sent me an article. And I was reading it. And it was about someone. You know. Coping with the loss of their mother. And. Um. And towards the end. It was. She described this sense of feeling orphaned. And I thought. Yes. That's it. That's. That's the thing. That's the thing that I've been feeling all this time. That I haven't been able to identify. And so. You know. When. I guess. To bring it back to the point. You know. So much dishonesty. Occurs. Because sometimes. You don't know the word. For what. You're feeling. And. You almost kind of look. Towards the other person. So that they can identify it. If you're like. Okay. Well. You know. If this is something that's happening between us. Maybe. Maybe you know what it's called. Before I do. Can you clue me in? Because. I don't know. Or it's taking me a little bit longer. To fucking figure it out. So how about we just fucking. Cut to the chase. And you tell me what the fuck's going on. That seems. Flawed. Absolutely. It's flawed. To put it mildly. No. It is. Absolutely. Flawed. Because. You know. What's not important. Is if you can tell me. What it is that I'm feeling. It's important for me to know. What the fuck I'm feeling. Absolutely. Because. It doesn't matter if you. Even if you. Just put fucking words in my mouth. It doesn't matter. Because. If I'm not understanding what's happening. If I can't understand it for myself. Then. No matter what you say to me. I'm not going to. Process it any. Faster. Yeah. But also beyond that. It's not even just understanding. I mean. You can. You can even understand something. But it doesn't necessarily mean. That you're going to embrace it. And do. Whatever it is that you need to do. If there's an issue. To fix it. Does that make sense? Yes. And that. That's. A whole different layer. And that's not even about communication. That's about. Shit. Yeah. You know. It's one of those things. We should have an episode called shit. Shit. An episode called shit. People will be like. I don't like that kind of play. And I'll be like. It's a hard limit. It's not what we're talking about. What. And that's. That's. A big thing. That whole. Honesty. And being honest with each other. And honest with yourself. And blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. But what's also an issue. Hold on a second. Never mind. What's also an issue. She almost coughed. I almost burped. You said dainty. I saw dainty. Is. The person. That just doesn't say something. That. That. That. Is. I see this in. In Polly. A lot. That either. Somebody. Doesn't think it's a big deal. Or. Or. They fear. The response of one of their Polly partners. And so they don't tell them. They don't want to rock the boat. Yeah. Which. Is. Bad. Not a good thing. Don't do that. You gotta. You know. If you. If you have another partner. And you're. Entertaining another partner. You gotta be open about it. You know. It just. It doesn't work. Now. I have had it happen. Where. Being totally open and honest. Sometimes. Backfires. And somebody's like. No. You're not telling me the truth. There's something you're hiding from me. You're lying. And it's like. Wait. What. I just told you everything. I fucking laid everything out. That's. The fucking truth. This is. This is this. No. You're. You're lying. And then. You know. That's. That's. That's something else. That's jealousy. Which is a different show. Altogether. But it's the same kind of thing. Where you gotta. You gotta try and just. You have to give the. Information to people. And the truth is. No. I'm technically not responsible. For how you respond to the information I give you. But if I sit here and say. You're a fucking piece of shit. That is on me. Actually. That's. You know. I. I have to. I have to take. I have to be a bearer of some responsibility. In that. Now. If I have. You know. A lot of. Data. And empirical evidence. To back it up. Then. That's different. It's a little bit different. But still. You know. I. You're still the bearer of the news. So. Don't shoot the messenger. But. If they're the ones that are feeling it. You know. Obviously. It's one of those things. I think. In having any kind of discussion. Any lengthy discussion. I think it's important to keep in mind that. Like you said. Being responsible. For your words. Knowing what kind of impact it's going to have. And. That's why. That's why. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. Process things. Cause. Fuck man. Like. Okay. Okay. What? What? Just go. Just go. Just go. I. Do what you do. Say exactly what it is that you said. Before you said. Processing things. I want. I want to hear that again. Cause I want to make sure. That I'm responding to it correctly. Being responsible for your words. Being responsible for your words. Yes. One does need to be responsible for their words obviously. But when you're in a relationship. Where someone's walking on eggshells constantly. That's fucked up. Right. There's only so. Long. A person can be. Responsible for their words. And be cautious of. A fragile opposing person. Before it's like look. This isn't going to work. There needs to be some. Some tough love. Something has to happen. Because. I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. All right. I mean I get what you're saying. Absolutely. And I agree. But I'm talking about. You know. It's like play. It's like when we play. And you strike me. Or you do something. Whatever the fuck it is. You don't do it for the sake of doing it. You do it because there's an intent behind it. Whether it's to. Strengthen that. That energy exchange. Or whatever. Whatever. I'm saying that. With words. It's the same exact thing. You know. Just like you wouldn't call me a piece of shit. Just all fucking willy nilly. Well I wouldn't anyway. But yeah. That's what I mean by being responsible with your words. Is that you speak with intent. And you speak with clarity. Right. Okay. So that. So it goes back to. When you have these conversations. When you're communicating with a partner. And we're really focusing on DS. But obviously there's a lot. There's poly. There's mono. There's vanilla. All of those things are circling around communication. It's a larger bubble. But. So it's about. Ensuring that you're not emotionally compromised. In the moment of that communication. Because I know for me. Now whether it's. It's good or bad. I don't know. It is what it is. I think we all have our own things. When I'm emotionally compromised. Especially when I'm angry. I don't talk. I don't talk. It's the worst form of silent treatment. And I don't do it as a form of punishment. I really don't. Because if I wanted to punish it. I would talk. Everybody you're talking to is like collateral damage. Because when I have to speak. When I'm angry. It's not pretty. It's not good. I'm told I'm eloquent. Take that eloquence. And add. Barbing stinging anger. And it's like that. Take also the fact that people tell me. Their deepest darkest secrets. And I know where to hit. To make it hurt. And if I'm in that mood. I can do that. And I don't like doing it. I really don't like doing it. So when I'm angry. I have to be calm before I have the conversation. And poor Nancy. Too many times. Has been. Are you angry with me? And I'm like. And for whatever it is. Yes. And there have been times when it's like. I need radio silence right now. Because. Every text. Every anything. It would just. Enrage me again. Depending on what the issue was. And I needed to get that under control. Because I couldn't deal with. I couldn't get down to the brass. You know. To the root. Why am I so angry? Why is this happening? And I needed to figure that out. Before we can have a conversation. Because that's not fair to her. And that's not fair to me. And that's not fair to our relationship. So. But that being said. That's one of my. That's one of my things. I know myself well enough. That I have to say nothing. But that is a significant challenge. For the person on the other side. Like Nancy. When in that moment of silence. Or days of silence. As it's been sometimes. She stews. And I can't even. I can't even get out. The. The. The trigger. So she doesn't even know where to begin. And. So she's. You know. She's going to. You know. Dismiss me. And. I mean. The world is exploding. And everything is going. Willy nilly. So being uncommunicative. Is also a form of communication. As all you guys can tell. Well. Obviously there's the silent treatment. And if you're doing it in a passive aggressive way. That's different. I really don't do it in a passive aggressive way. I try not to. I try to see like. Look. I just need to. I need to not talk. Sometimes I do. Sometimes. I'm not even aware. We had an issue. Today. And it was one of those. I wasn't aware how angry I was. Until. Until Nancy asked me. Are you upset with me? And then I was like. And then I realized no. And I thought. Wait. Actually my first response was yes. And then I erased it. And I said. I'm not really upset. What am I? What am I? But. There was something there. It was like. But I had so much shit going on. And I've had so much fucking stress. That I was like. I've had so much fucking stress. I've had so much fucking stress. I didn't know what it was. And then I realized. Oh. There's this thing. Oh. I get it. I should probably say what this thing is. And then not talk. Because I don't want to say anything that's awful. And even then. I mean. Even what I said today was not particularly kind. But it was. It was the best that I could come up with. At the moment. If that makes sense. And I could have been really cruel. And I wasn't. I wasn't. Entirely. Cruel. I love you. But is that supposed to make me feel better? No. Because we haven't talked about it. We haven't had time to talk about it. It was not. That was not. No. No. But it's. Yes. I mean. It's one of those things where. Understanding your partner's communication style. Is so important. It's so important. Well. And I think that you get to that. I mean. Just like when. How you get to other things. And relationships. And stuff. And stuff. And stuff. And stuff. And stuff. And stuff. It's. It takes time. You know. You get to know someone. And it's not something overnight. Where you know how their. Little tics work. Trial and error. Yes. And some people don't. Make it past the trial and error phase. You know. I know that when she's pissed. She doesn't want to be touched. Fuck. She doesn't want to be looked at. You know. And. And. And. And she knows. That for me. When I'm highly emotional. I want the cuddles. I want the touching. I want all of those things. And it's really bad. When we're highly emotional. With each other. Because obviously. She wants. Significant amount of affection. And I. I almost have like this. Pokey. You know. No. No. No. No. It's not even. Don't even get near me. No. It's not prickly pear. It's not even pokey. No. No. It's like fucking Jean Grey. Like fucking shield. Kind of shit. It's like motherfucking Phoenix. Is what it is. But even Jean Grey. Wow. Yeah. Nice. Nice reference. Next time. Make it a DC reference. Please. But. But yeah. No. I mean. Those are little things. That you know. Unless you really spend time. With your partner. You're the other. End of the spectrum. You don't really get to know those things. I also. I think another important part. Is creating a safe space. For communication. Now. I haven't really said anything. About this to you. Because. This is one of those things. Where I don't think it's a really big deal. But you might think it's a big deal. So. Oh great. Fuck. Sure. Let's just do it on the air. Oh my God. I really don't think it's that big a deal. But you know. Whenever we have had like. You know. Like pretty. Pretty lengthy conversations. Most of the time. We have them. At your house. Because. That's where we are. You know. And. I haven't said this. Not because. Like. I've been keeping it from you. I just didn't realize. That. It was kind of like. Hey. It's always at our house. It's. I'm always on your turf. Like. I feel like. It's never. Like. It's. I. You know. I wanted to be somewhere neutral. Where it's. I don't feel like. I'm going to get out now. I need to go. And you're going to stay here. Because you live here. I'm going to go. Actually. Wait. Hold on. I'm not done. Hold on. You know. And it's. I'm not saying. That it's not a safe space. Your house is a very safe space. Every single time. I'm with you. I'm safe. Don't please. No. Don't do that. Stop it. Stop. Please stop. Oh my God. Please. I'm letting you finish. I know. But please stop. Because you're doing that thing. That's kind of really. Making me really anxious. Never mind. No. Finish. Because I have things to say. To add to it. So finish. But it's just. It's just one of those. You know. Things. And it's not like. You know. It's not like. My mistress has said. We're always going to have. All of our conversations here. It's really just been a thing. Out of convenience. We're just having to be there. You know. But. I mean. That's. That's a. That's a physical part. Of creating a safe space. Obviously. There are other factors. That go into that. We had that one chat. At Starbucks. Oh yeah. So let me ask you this. When you had. Let's compare. The chat at Starbucks. And the chat at my house. Where did you feel safer? I. In your house. Thank you. I rest my case. I know you. I know what you need. I know. I know you. I think I know you better than you know yourself. I know what makes you anxious. I didn't like having that conversation at Starbucks. That to me. Didn't. Feel. It felt odd. We were having a very intimate. Very private conversation. In a very public. Very. Homogenized. Place. And I didn't like that. Whereas. We're in my house. I'm sitting in my chair. You're sitting in the other chair. We're smoking a cigarette. And we're talking. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. On Christmas. whether we're hashing out what we're going to talk about for our next show, whether we're hashing out what we're going to do on the next class we're teaching. So it's fairly even all the time there. It's like always an open space. And I get it. I get it. Next time I'll have it at your place. You're an asshole, respectfully. Because just so you know. There's no way in hell you're going to drive your ass to Compton. I know that. I have been to Compton. I've been to your place more than once. Outside of the fact. Can you count it on one hand? Yes. You also don't like people coming to your place. Okay. Anyways, I'm sorry. What? Yeah. You don't like it when I beat you on these arguments. No. Outside of the fact that it doesn't matter where we are. You're still going to have that sense of unease. When we're having heavy conversations. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That imbalance when you're supposed to have open and honest communication. I don't know. I think I do it wrong. What? I think I do it wrong. I set aside my dominance a lot for the betterment of individuals. And so when we have things, a lot of times I set aside my dominance to deal with things. You know, you got shit going on. And I'll set that aside to help you with whatever shit you got going on. Because before you're a little less, you're a person. Before my big D, I'm a person. So, and I'm sure that there's, you know, half a million D types out there that are like, no, mistress, you're doing it wrong. I don't know. I haven't struck the balance. I don't figure, I don't know. Sometimes I do it right, I guess. Sometimes I do it wrong. I don't know. I'm just playing jump rope and hoping I don't get caught. Good thing we're not playing double dutch. Dude, I loved double dutch when I was a kid. Dude, I could not stand double dutch. Oh my God, I loved it. That was so awesome. I loved it so much. I was not good at all. That's why I didn't like it. I was great at it. I was great at it. I mean, I could totally like, you know, swing the ropes and stuff and look at the other people jumping in, but. We needed people like you. Now I feel like we need to play double dutch. Oh, I couldn't do it now, please. I know. I know because your tits are slapping the face. That's it. Next swimmers party, new double dutch. Dude, I'd fucking video that shit. That would get like a million hits on YouTube. I feel like I need to look that up on YouTube now. Yes. I understand what you mean about not having that figured out. And I guess I wanted to pose the question because precisely because you're, you know, it's two human beings, you know, dealing with either very, you know, practical problems or not so practical problems that have to do more with like the DS stuff and not life stuff. I don't know if you can really separate those. I mean, we say life before lifestyle. We say it all the time, but it's not just a maxim. I mean, it's, it's a realism. It's, it's. Life does come before lifestyle. And so how do you separate your life from, you know, the DS? And that, that's where I struggle. And I don't think that that's the topic for today, but it's just one of those things that that sometimes it's like, you've got stuff going on and things suffer in our DS. I've got stuff going on and things suffer in our DS. And it's like, okay. I think we're always playing catch up, huh? Yes. I'm always that little kid running behind the car, trying to catch the bumper. I'm a dog chasing cars. Did you? My mistress just barked. I did. I barked. I'm getting ready for Energizer Bunny tomorrow night. Oh my God. Oh God. I need to get some sleep. So I have lots of energy. I need to hydrate. Sorry. That was a, apparently my ADD is showing. Yeah. Major. Major. I think it was sex that confuses me. Yeah, it does. Just so you know, the 7-Eleven water is actually pretty good. Oh, wow. I don't know. Anyway. You really are. You're all over the place. Well, that's one of the problems is I just, it's in my head and it comes out of my mouth. Wow. You're a mess. You're a mess. I am. You're totally a mess. Let's not. Let's not psychoanalyze it, shall we? Or just carry on. Okay. I think something that also plays a part in communication is protocol. Not that it's something that, you know, we're terribly good at. But I think. That ship sailed like a year and a half ago. But I think that for some people, protocol provides almost kind of like those, those bumpers on the lanes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. File a grievance or whatever. Wow. I don't know. I mean, I'm saying, you know, sometimes you need that almost like cold approach to it. Yeah. So that way, you know, there's reliability. You know that you're going to raise whatever issue and it's going to get resolved in a timely manner. Well, I mean, but I take, I believe that a timely manner, it's so flexible. Because some issues are bigger than others, you know? So it's all relative. So you can't expect, you know, file a grievance in three days. You'll either have a response or an arbitration date. You know what I'm saying? You don't get that, hey, you started with the grievance process. I'm sorry. I just know where that goes. You know, so it's just one, I mean, I get it that it's comforting. But at any point when you're dealing with corrective communication, at any point, there's no timeline. There's no finite amount of time in which you can guarantee it'll be resolved. Because I can't tell you how many times, even if you think it's resolved, that shit rears its ugly head again. Right? You know, and that it's one of those things where, you know, it's like, okay, so that didn't work. Okay, so that didn't work. Okay, you know, and that's, it's one of those things when you're dealing with a problem, and it's like testing for, you know, weaknesses in a fence. You don't know what the problem is. You're just, you're flying blind sometimes. That's corrective communication. Right. But it's also about trying to be kind of open. And I think that's one of the things that you and I do really well. And again, I don't know, I probably fail at this. I fucking tell you what I'm thinking. I tell you. I tell you when I fuck up. I tell you it's like, that was on me. That was my fault that I failed. And that's probably not good, you know, because you're probably supposed to think I'm infallible and I'm on a pedestal. But I think that even when you say that you do something wrong, you know, I'm always thinking that. Like there's not like fucking, it's like an unbreakable image. You could do it. You could do anything. And I, exactly. Like an angel. Totes. Hi. But again, maybe because I've kind of always been like this, maybe that's part of, that's kind of how we've always cultivated our relationship. That for me, I think that being human and being fallible strengthens my dominance and it strengthens our DS. And that's one of the ways that I need to communicate. I have to communicate. I, when I'm hiding things or I'm not expressing those types of things, when I fail, when things go wrong, I don't feel that that's completing the DS circle. For me personally, that's my own personal kind of philosophy. Good, bad and different, I don't know. But that's how I, for my own wellbeing, for my own sanity, that's how I have to do it. And that's hard sometimes. It's really hard. Humility is, it's hard. I don't want to be wrong. I don't like being wrong. Most D types don't. No. We like to be right. Right. All the time. Yeah. And no one's right all the time. They just aren't. This is when you're supposed to chime in and say something. I don't fucking care what, just say something. I said you're right. No. I said you're right about this. I think that in this modern age. Oh, we have a modern age. It's dork. I think one of the ways that we fall back on to communicate is texting and tweeting and shit like that. Yes. Which is super awesome. And quick and all of that. Except when you're like trying to have a conversation about shit that shouldn't be done over text or tweets. Yeah. Here's the challenge. Because we have access and we are so accustomed to this just instant communication. We want to use it. And especially if there's something that's there that, you know, we don't want to use. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It has to be done. It has to be done. It has to be done. You know, it has to be done. And sometimes life pushes things. Like you've got to say something at that time or whatever. And that makes it really hard because you don't have the luxury of having that face-to-face. I guess you could pick up the cell phone and use it as a phone. Yeah, but that only works if like people are like, hey, I'm going to talk on the phone. Okay. Because you know, someone that I know that happens to be sitting across the table from me looks at her phone when it rings. Why are you calling me? I literally do. Why are you calling me? A mutual friend of ours called me yesterday and I literally looked at his phone. There was no reason I couldn't answer it. There was no reason I couldn't answer it. I wasn't around anybody I couldn't answer the phone with. But I looked at the phone and I was like, why is he calling me? Should I answer it? I don't know. I mean, he could have just texted me. Why is he calling me? Well, maybe it's important. Maybe he's driving. I don't know. Maybe I should just nod. I answer it. And then I answered it. And he's just like, hey, sorry for calling you. I know it's not your jam, but now you know who it is. Yes, I do. And I was just like, yeah, I almost didn't answer it. And he goes, well, thank you for answering it. I'm just one of those. Why are you calling me? You take it so fucking personal when somebody tries to call you. Like, God. When you call me, I go, why are you calling me? Yes, that is exactly how she picks up the phone. I don't say hello. I say, why are you calling me? Yeah. Phone calls are for bad news. Are they? That's what they are. Phone calls are for bad news. You need to get more good news via phone calls. I'm done. To undo that shit because. I'm done. What? I'm done. You're a fucking commitment phobe is what it is. I am. Wait, a phone call? Because I'm only talking on the phone. I'm a commitment phobe. I commit hours in texting. No, no, no, no, no. But see, texting is different from phone calls because phone calls, you feel obligated to continue in the conversation because you're on the fucking line. But when you're texting. I don't feel obligated. I'm speaking in general terms. Okay. But when you're texting, you can walk away from your phone and do whatever the fuck, come back to it like 15 minutes later and answer the text. Whatever. No pressure. But when you're on the phone with someone, it's like you're on the phone. They expect a response to whatever the fuck they said. I don't think that's a commitment phobe. Maybe that's a pressure phobe. But I don't think it's a commitment phobe. I don't know. Because I'm still committed to the conversation, whether it be via text or some other medium. It's about, you know, multitasking. No, no. Fuck that. Here's the problem with being on the phone. When I'm on the phone, I can't do anything else. I can just be on the phone. There's nothing else I can do. When I'm texting, I could be texting 10 people at the same time. Mind you, I wouldn't be doing it well if there were 10 people. Okay, three people. And tweeting. And Facebooking. And emailing. You know. And, you know, talking to a human being in my presence. All of that can be going on. But on the phone, it's like, I can't, I can talk to nobody but that one person on the phone. And sometimes I'm cool with that. And sometimes I'm not. And especially when they call without texting first. Who does that? Oh, yeah. No. Calls without texting. You're the weird person that wants people to text to ask permission to call you. I don't think that that's a bad thing. Make sure that I'm able to take the call. Jesus Christ, woman. Next thing you know, you're going to want people to send you fucking meeting requests for that. But that might not be a bad idea. Oh my God. I might accept that. I might sign up for that shit. What? That's my deal. I guess so. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it. I did. I sure fucking did. Not realize you were a crazy woman. Ah, yeah, you did. You totally knew I was crazy. Okay, maybe I did. Yeah. That's the only reason that you like me. Because you're crazy too. You. And you know it. What? So, um. You know nobody heard that. I know. You did though. How do you maintain lines of communication? I think it depends on the parties. I think, um. I think. Hey. Kinky butterfly. It's not a conversation. It's not a conversation. I'm going with it's a pressure phobe. But nah. She tweeted. Um. I think that it's about the two parties. I mean, number one, if you're in a DS relationship, you're already going to have a pre-established kind of communication program essentially. You know. There's some people that say you text me in the morning before when you wake up. You text me at night before you go to bed. Those are kind of like set in stone. You know, you update the things during the day. Some people want a lot of updates. Some people want a little update. Some people don't text. Some people want phone calls. You know, it depends on who and what they are. Everybody's different. And it's about what the pre-established communication guidelines are. But also, it's really important that both sides have a way of getting in contact with the other if there's something that's going on and they really need to address it now. So have that kind of taken care of. And again, in that kind of safe space where they know that they can have something. And sometimes it's about, hey, I just need to vent. Oh, okay. If somebody tells me they need to vent, I'm not going to solve their problem. I'm going to let them vent. I'm going to be like, oh, yeah. What a dick. Oh, what a bitch. I'm going to be totally there. But if they're not venting, if they want the problem solved, then I'm going to help solve the problem. And that's a very different kind of communication. So it's about, you know, making sure that you have those lines established and what works. We text all day. We do. We do. You and I. We have, you know, and I think this is also a part where, you know, our little morning ritual totally comes into play where we do. I mean, I don't feel like we just text each other good morning. I feel it's more than that, you know? Yeah, no. I mean, it is. And it's always, you know, I'm always up before you. So whenever you wake up is when you text me because I'm, I'm up before I got the things and I got to do that. So there's how that goes. But yeah, I mean, I think it's about making sure that whatever works, the plan works for both parties, that it can't work just for one and not the other. Now, it can probably work better for the D type than the S type and the S type can morph to what the D type wants. But if there's things that are specifically like no-goes for the S type, then that's about, you know, that's about discussing limits. And obviously, if the two communication styles don't work out, then that relationship is doomed. Doomed. That's horrible. It's true. If two people have incompatible communication styles, how are they going to communicate? No, I agree. I agree, but that doesn't mean that that's, I mean, that's sad. I'm not going to mourn everybody's bad communication. I don't have that kind of energy. Because I'm a fucking sap. I just, I, you know, I want people to succeed in their relationships. I want people to be happy. Odds are they will fail, but yes. Wow. You're such a realist. Shall we start discussing statistics now because it's true. No, I'm not saying it's not true. Not saying. Thank you. I love you. I love you too. You're so bad. Oh no. What? Why? Because I'm trying to placate you kind of. Because apparently you're scared of me right now. Well, fuck man. You guys, if you guys had been in the parking lot with this woman before the show, you would have been shitting your pants too. You would have been like, why the fuck aren't the street lights on right now? Because this woman is about to pull out a fucking blade and cut me. Hey, the parking dude was an asshole. I'm sorry. He was just a fucking dick. Period. Full stop for our UK listeners. I'm just saying. I know. I know. I mean, I know it's a draconian statement to say that if people don't have compatible communication styles in their doom, but unless the two parties can come to, they have to get on the same page. How can you possibly have a relationship if you're not communicating with them? How can you possibly have a relationship if you're not communicating in a way that the other side can understand and process and respond? I mean, that's what it boils down to. You have to make sure that those things are happening. That you're being honest with yourself, that you're being honest with them, that they're receiving the information through whatever filters, like I said earlier, whatever fucked up filters they have that are going on, they're being able to process it and they're being able to relay the information back so that you are on the same page and you're saying the same thing. That's what it boils down to. And if that means that people only have face-to-face communication, awesome. If that means they only text, awesome. I mean, there are people that do just online and they never do face-to-face except for Skype and then it's usually genital, genital and I don't know what to do with that. Genital, genital. That just seems weird. I don't know. I just don't get that. I don't think I'm that old but I still, it's like, that's awesome and I'm gonna go have sex with a real person now so bye. Bad person. Wow. What? Wow. I would just, you're just in a mood. I am. You're like in a really just in a fucking mood. I am. I'm in a mood. Yeah. I'm in a mood. But we still care about you. I know. I really wanted to drink and I was like, I can't. I gotta drive to the studio. God damn it. I wanted to have a lot of very strong beverages which I may still when I get home. Who knows? Right. Yeah. I don't think that we even scratch the surface of communication. Well, because there's a lot, I mean, there's a lot of, it's huge. There's a lot of things, different things that you can do that go into it. And there's so much that is unique to an individual. Yeah. You know, I mean, all we can really do is offer up, you know, how we succeed and how maybe we don't succeed so much. Yeah. And I mean, again, it boils down to people's psychology. I mean, and that, as soon as you throw in psychology, fuck, everything gets all fucked up. Everything gets off kilter. There's, there's no way to process it. I was gonna make a geek reference, but I decided not to. Wow. Be like, you know, in the X-Files where they flow over the dead zone. Oh wait, that was Tomb Raider, Tomb Raider, and they flew over the dead zone and all the things. Or in Avatar where this is the part where, you know, I have a lot of geek references I could throw out there. Sorry. So, we're gonna kind of wrap up communication and we're gonna do some pimping. Stuff. So here's the deal. So, because we have a new name, we also have a new, a new iTunes. And it's really, like I can't express how important it is that number one, you subscribe. Yes. And number two, you review. Not just because it gives us an awesome ego boost when we read it and it makes us feel so loved. Did you know that reviews are the number one way you can become featured on iTunes? That's also a good reason. Yeah. And if you are not featured on iTunes, the likelihood of somebody stumbling upon you on your podcast is non-existent. They would have to know the name and search for it, which again, you know, what are the odds? But if you become featured, then when somebody's looking up, let's say, Polly Weekly, we might become one of the related podcasts, which would be fantastic. It would totally be awesome. So, you know, if you like us, even personally, please. Yeah. That would be fantastic. If you have experienced my fist in your vagina, in your vagina view, which she's a fisting whore. I am a fisting whore. She would fist all of Los Angeles if she could. Dude, you guys, I'm fucking committed. So last Friday, we taught a class on fisting and I was like fucking 10 times more sick than I am right now. Like, dude, it was bad. I was like coughing. And she fisted. And she's fisting somebody this Friday too. And I was fisting. I was like, I'm fucking committed. I'm going to do this. Yes. And then at the swingers party for your birthday, I think you should fist there too. Oh, I should. I will. I will. Next frontier though is I want, I want to anally fist someone. I like this plan. And then the frontier after that is I want to have one fist in a vagina and another fist in an ass. Oh no, two separate. Two separate, like that. DP fisting, that would be fuck wow. Yeah, that too. But you know. Damn, I want video of that. You know what? There's going to start being video here in Skid Row. I know. So this could happen here. This would be very exciting. Hey, I'm just curious. Do credits for a fisting class, does that transfer? For continuing education, yes. Yes, I'm sure that they will take that when I transfer for my, I'm not going to tell you what my certification is because I actually have one. Okay, so apparently I've been like throwing this link out for iTunes for intellectual kink that if you have an iPhone, it doesn't fucking mean shit. No, it doesn't. So if you have an iPhone, look for intellectual kink or tell all of your friends or take your friend's iPhone and search up intellectual kink for it and subscribe. Just saying, maybe you might want to do that. Yeah. Pick up a random iPhone that you find at a Starbucks. I say do that now and iPad, why not? Yeah, sure. Let's not discriminate against any of the Apple products. And we'll be back next week, live every Wednesday. Yes. And that's fantastic. And you know what's so awesome? It's the mistress and me night. That it is. All right. We'll be back next week. Take a night. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.