Comedic banter, challenges, and guest stories on Battle of the Sexes

My leg. Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. I'm so angry. Oh. Welcome to Battle of the Sexes. I'm Dave Swan. This is Nicky Bernal. Hi. Hi. You can listen live at Skid Row. Well, honestly, if you're listening live, you know where to listen, my friend. I'm on top of things. Nice one, Swan. If you want to call in, you can reach us at 1-800-893-9562. Today, our guests are the very mischievous Nick Petrillo. Hey, guys. How you doing? How you doing? And the delightful cat lady herself, Roe Buttersnatch De La Grazie. Thank you. I was cat shirt for you. I should have worn my... I should have worn my golden pussy. It's like a cat. That's more of a show one for your previous show. You're right. You're right. We're on the... Okay, different show. For those of you guys that don't know, Roe is also a co-host on the show Before Ours, Blame It On Ginger. You guys got to check her out on that too every single day, right? It's on every... I'm on Wednesdays. The crack. The crack. The hump day. The crack of the week. A little. I still... I have to work my day job the other day. Not everybody can make a living off pummeling dildos, right? Well, you know, it... I did used to sell sex toys, so it's kind of... Yeah, but it's not a great living. I was going to say, that seems like more of something that he would do. Oh, really? I could see it like a Tupperware setting, like, you know, you've got a bunch of like housewives, you're showing them, you know. You said you'd never owned one. I'm like, that actually put... She's been given one. That actually puts me over you at sex toy ownage just because I had a girlfriend who had me, it's just like, you need to buy this and we're keeping this at your place. And I was like, okay, now I'm just a guy who owns a dildo. Okay, wait a second. So are you no longer with her? Yeah, no, no, no. I haven't been with her for a while. Have you used it on anybody else? No, no, no, no, no. Clean it first. Oh, don't clean it first. Just let it... That was one of those things that got picked up with like glove mitts and like put into a trash bag and thrown out. Like that's what... Like the dishwasher gloves. Yeah. Did you light it on fire, see a little evil cloud smoke come out? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Somebody had a good find in the garbage, that's it. Oh my God, just some homeless chick is out there rocking her own... Just happy as all hell. Needs money for batteries. And if you're not watching the video feed, they're calling. They're calling me out. They're calling Nikki out because I have never owned a dildo. Didn't Ginger give you one? Yeah, she gave me a bullet just now. To start you off slowly? Again? Yeah, a little. This is the second one. She's starting me off slowly. She's an addict. She's starting me off slowly with a bullet. Yeah, start off slowly. You don't want to get like... Have you seen the dragon dildo that she has? I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, the monster dick? Yeah. Yeah, I looked around the corner like two weeks ago and I'm like, I think I just saw someone get fucked with a rainbow dick. Yeah. Foul cores, penis. See, there's like the ATV, like the tricycle, and then you've got your full-on racing bike. Like, that's the one you have to work up to. So you just got to start off. And I love how she was saying, she said, okay, what you want to do is you want to start off dry. And it started getting clinical. And I was like, this is the most unfun I've ever had in a conversation about pussy. But she was just confirming. But yeah, it was very... No, and it needed to happen. Those kind of things. It's very clinical and doctor-like. Rose is very like librarian-esque about it right now. Yeah. You got to have a glass of wine maybe. Just to kind of loosen up. Unless you're in the program, you have a glass of wine. You guys were confirming my fears though. You guys were all confirming my fears. Because my fear with dildos before was that you're putting something electric into something wet. And she was like, these are meant to not be put in. You're just assuming you're going to be wet to start off here. Usually in your 20s, as a woman, you're not really used to like, oh, you know, women start a lot later. Often like, unless you're a porn star, because they apparently hump toilets when they're three. But I'm just saying. Okay. Now, I... The first one that somebody gave me was a gag. And it was like, oh, a gag gift. But it was like a rabbit. And it was the one, like the big one with the pearls. Number one selling sex toy. I'm like, what the... It was Ripstart. Ran on gas. I really was like... Ran on gas. Yeah. You have no idea. You're like, what the fuck? Right? So I didn't really know what to do with it. This is a car battery. Yeah. It was like double... No, just kidding. But I wrapped it up in a present and put it out in the garbage because I didn't want to take it cross country. Oh my God. Because I didn't know what to do with it. And I was like, this is scary. You're like, you're moving. You're going to be lonely for a little while. Take this with you. Maybe. Maybe. But I was not like... I have to stay at my dad's house for like a week. I'm not bringing this, packing it up. I'm going to... I'll find one in LA. I'm sure. Dad's like, when did I get a lawnmower in your room? Are they doing her windows today? Because I don't know. I hear something. I was sleeping on the couch. I'm like, oh, yes. It's perfect. Dad, don't mind that little hum, all right? I was like, no. I could... Just so you know, there's going to be construction every morning on Saturday. Oh, God. He's making it sound like marijuana. Like, you can't go on long road trips in it in case a cop pulls you over. So just find one in the next state. It's like contraband. Like, because now you're smuggling things and you're like, okay, now I got to figure out where to put this. Smuggling sex toys. I got to wrap it in black. I got to, you know. I was like, I'm going to be fine. I'll find something. Unless, of course, you have no shame. I had a buddy one time. You do have no shame. There's a sex shop in Pasadena and we used to go in there just because they used to sell whippets. And so I swear to God, that's why we went in there. So we go in there. But my buddy goes in and he buys like, you know, a couple of pornos and I think a movie or something. And he walks out. They put it in a brown bag so that people don't know like what you're carrying. But you're coming out of a sex shop. It says Le Sex Shop. So they know what you're doing. The Le makes it classy, all right? Do they throw an E on the end of sex too? What he did was he just walked out and then in front of like, there were a bunch of people walking by and I don't know. I don't know if he meant it. I never found out if he meant to do it on purpose or if it was just something he did. But he turned around while the door was still open. He's like, have you guys got anything with midgets in it? Like, just. Just sit out in the middle and just no shame. So if you have no shame, then you can keep your dildos wherever you want. That's true. Yeah. In a kitchen cabinet for the guests to see. They make a lovely centerpiece. I have seen some of the midgets in it and fat chicks. Yeah. It's like a fetish. There's actually a service that you can order. One of my buddies did it for another buddy for a bachelor party. I was going to say, you have a lot of. It was a fat chick and a midget. And then they order them both and then they both do stripping. This is the most quiet I've ever been because I have no input on any of these conversations. Nikki is so innocent. It's like a naked. It's like a circus. That's basically what it is. It's just a naked sideshow. I was going to say, it's more like a carnival than a circus. Yeah. It's like a cheap Cirque du Soleil. Like a cheap weird one. No gymnastics done there though. There's a midget on a tricycle and a fat chick eating a popsicle. There might be some ropes. Where has this show gone? Where has this show gone? Yeah. Well, it's obviously the Knicks apartment. Within the first 10 minutes, we all need a shower. Knicks apartment. By the way, this is why it's Battle of the Blabberwockies because it's going to be a competition of who's talking over who between Nick and Ro. Oh, man. I have a bad feeling about this. I have a business option for you, Nick. I think you'd make a million dollars if you made bottomless Red Bull cans for people to hide their dildos in. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Nick's like, I could sell that shit. That's amazing. Yes. Hide your shame. Hide your shame. Yeah. Yeah. Hide your shame away. Hide your shame. Yes. Dude, why do you have such a Red Bull habit? No, don't worry about it. It's okay. It's just good. How did you find a 64 ounce Red Bull? Why is a Red Bull vibrating? You know, the problem is you drink Red Bull because there'd be Red Bull in it and then you'd masturbate. That's dangerous. That's dangerous. I mean. That's just, now you're just banging yourself on meth. Yeah. I mean, that's like. That's all you're doing. Oh, my God. I don't need to find anyone else. I have a Red Bull. Yeah. A Red Bull. That's exactly what you'd be saying. You'd be mumbled mouth and going, hey, I'm banging myself. I'm doing it. Thank you. That's hilarious. Always. Nick. Nicky's taking notes about what to do tonight. No, Nicky's. I know. I'm not at the show. I mean, tonight when she goes home. I'm like, stay dry, baby. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. I'm like, stay dry. She's like, Dave. I was taking notes a couple weeks ago when they were like, this is how you meet a nice girl. You don't send emojis and all that. I'm like, oh, all right. No winky faces. Cat photos. They do like cat photos. Cat photos. What man have you found that likes cat photos? Dave, but we're not dating. I don't like cat photos. Here's the thing. I don't know why it started, but years ago. I called you a cat lady. Yeah. So I decided to send him selfies of my cats. So I'd send him random selfies of my cats. Just a cat over your boobs? Yeah. No, just the cat. Just the cat. Not me. Just the cat. Cat with the spread, like legs spread open. Cat just staring at me. I have two cats. So I have a lot of photos that I can send to him. A relationship with Ro means pussy at all times. It's like a cat calendar you forced everyone to buy. That's pretty much what it is. Well, it's nice when I don't see Ro for a while and then all of a sudden I start getting mad. I'm going to send him again. As soon as I see him, she's like, Dave. Yeah. I literally go, how did you date Dave? So that way you know her schedule. She had something to do. Then she's got a lot of downtime. So that's pretty much. Yeah. Or I'm at work. I'm like, oh, Ro's been busy lately. Or I'm at work and I'm like, you know what? I'm going to save and send Dave some cat photos. That's great because then he's like, how are you doing this? Aren't you? Shouldn't you be at work? I know. I know. I know. I literally go, hold on. I'll get your drink in a second. I've got to send Swan a cat photo. This is Swan. He's a big, dumb white boy. All right. Priorities, Ro. You have priorities. Yeah, I do. Sorry. Sorry, work. Sorry, work and my restaurant that I work at. Customer. You're like, I don't. Don't worry about it. No, all of us at one point work in a restaurant, except maybe Nick. Nick, you just sell shit and get fired. Yeah. I usually. Yeah. I usually just, since I've been a kid, I just been, I just sell things. I just run my mouth and then people buy stuff. I did work. I was selling stuff for a while that had me making food for people and like handing out samples. And that's. How was that? Yeah. Dude, that's a nightmare. So that's, it was really good. Like money wise, it was really good. Yeah. Did you ever see people circle around for like the fifth time? Like, hey, this is your fifth free sample. Yeah. I'm cutting you off. Yeah. You're like, I do this shit. At least leave for five minutes before you come back. Yeah. Yeah. I would cut people off. And then people would be, I mean. Do they get ornery? Yeah. You'd be surprised at how many people get rude. I had. So in San Jose, Northeast San Jose, it's predominantly Filipino and the Filipino ladies, like they, I've never had anybody snap at me like that before. She literally just said you now and then snapped her fingers at me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And I just put out my little, oh, so, okay. So I'm going on a five minute break. Take care. And then I just left. So, cause I'm like, I'm not serving you. One guy got so mad at me. I was in Culver City doing, setting up a show, selling stuff. And there was no one around. I was trying to get something started. Then I just didn't make anything. And some guy who came up and he said, you've been doing, standing there for 10 minutes. You haven't made me anything. And I was like. Whoa. I was like, I'm just, wow. You're, I gotta go. You're like, well, I'm thinking about it. It's just a Wetzel pretzel, but calm down. How, like, how do you keep getting fired though? Cause you say you like, you're good at getting fired. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Well, especially anybody knows that. He's like, I don't even want to listen to myself at this point. I just, I just got to put those down. Cause it's, it's getting hot in here and they're around my neck. And I'm like, ah, she's, I'm just going to wind up sweating. Uh, no. If you, uh, you drenched up a storm. I like it. I'm just used to it at this point. The three of us are used to it. We've been working in this. We've been working in this studio. Well, me and Ro at least two years now. And Juan's used to it. It gets hot. I'm just always sweaty. Yeah. That's what Dave looked like before he came into the studio. I'm just furry. All right. Just showered. Oh. According to a gay guy, Thirsty Crow, I'm part werewolf. Oh, you are? You are part werewolf. You're a teen wolf. Yeah. I love that. You wish that he was a teen wolf. You're not. Werewolves I would think would be thinner. You're like a wolf bear. So. I'm okay with that. You can be an extra piece. You're part werewolf. I'm twisting my arm here. I'm like, I'm leaving now. I'm part man because you just pulled on some hair. So we're pulling the hair down there. That's fine. No. I don't know. Getting fired is an art form. I think my best one ever was when I think there was like a solid week where I remember I came out of this job and I remember there was a solid week where I had the worst. I was like, you know, I shouldn't work with women. Because what happened was I was in, I'm in this job and I'm waiting to get, they're telling me to get a job. And I'm like, you know, you need to get your sales figures up because you're going to get fired. Then I find out my boss, a female is going around my back, taking like ruining my relationship with customers and then to, and all this. And then another girl, I was on the phone with a customer. Some girl comes up and says, Hey, I need you to, uh, or would you like one of these brownies? And I said, no, I don't want a brownie. I'm busy. I'm on the phone. And she put the box up to my nose and push my nose back. You don't want being playful. What's it like to have something shoved in your face by someone? You ever been, had somebody come up and just like poke you in the middle of your forehead with your finger? Every man I've ever dated. But it's not the finger. Yeah. And it sucks. And you're like, leave a brownie dick print on your face. And then I, I flipped out and I was like, look, I don't want any frigging brownies. And I knocked the box out of her hand. And then later on, I tried to apologize. I went, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. That was out of my, I should not have behaved that way. And she turned to me and she said, you know what you should be sorry for being such a bitch. And that's when this other older lady next to her just started cracking up and laugh. And that's when I had had it. I was like, well, you could. You could not be such a, and I called her. You said the C word? Yeah, I called her a cunt. That's brilliant. You could not be such a cunt. And then that's when the girl next to her said, hey, you're not allowed to use that word. Don't clap for that. I called her a cunt. And the girl next to her said, you're not supposed to say that. And I went, why? Does it strike close to home? Oh my God. So basically now I've called them little cunts. You're going to go out big. And so, yeah. So, but I mean, to me. How come she's allowed to call you a bitch? Yeah. No, she's, the other lady. Because it's her word. Here's the funny thing. The other lady, like she would get mad because me and my other buddy, Steve Holman, like we would screw around. We would tell each other jokes and she's like, they're telling inappropriate jokes. But then we would get reamed for telling jokes. We come out and she starts showing, oh, isn't this funny? And it's a picture of this guy with like his dick out. And I'm like, so you can do all the things that you want to do. Double standards. Yeah. It's a double standard. You should have reported her. But yeah, you can't, you can't, you can't really. Because then he comes off as a pussy. So yeah. She's showing me dick pics. All right. Yeah. I'm tired of looking at dick. Yeah. So. That's what the report should have. So basically you got fired. Yeah. So. Well, cause then what she did was that was the first one. But you gotta understand. I said it probably about 19 more times because she went, yeah, you're not supposed to say that word up here. You're a cunt, cunt, cunt. Is that what you did? Exactly. So she went, don't say it up here. And so, oh, so now it's geographically based. I went into the delivery or the inventory room in the back and I went, oh, so I'm back here now. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. You can say it all you want. Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. And I just machine gun fired it. Like just rapid fired it. I tell you. Yeah. And so. You know how to get fired, buddy. Yeah, exactly. So. If you're gonna go out, you go out pissed. I was gonna say, is it like. You're like an M80 cunty seven. Yeah, exactly. Just a high amount of cunts per minute. So it's. A high amount of cunts per minute. Yeah. So just maintaining that. So. Wow. And do you talk about, you're doing laughs on Saturday night, right? Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to talk about that? No, no, no. That's, that's not. Wait, you're doing laughs too? I'm doing laughs. Yeah. Friday night. Yeah. You're on the, I don't even know when they, when they air it. It's like the first time I've really heard about it. That's when yours airs, right? Saturday. Mine airs on Saturday. Yours airs on Friday. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to tape it on Friday. Tape it on Friday night. I don't think you can say the C word on a taping. No, no, no. You can't. It's very. I think you got the wrong letter in there. I don't think. Can you say Trader Joe's on it? No. I think Trader Joe's is code for C word. So I think that's what it is. You're such a Trader Joe. I wonder since you've been fired so much, you know how like buffets have the like picture of the fat dude that keeps coming back and eating too much. They have the picture of you at the unemployment office. Like, do not let this fool in. Yeah, exactly. This, this is the guy. This is the guy. Really? You were there for a month. Yeah. Well, no. And then the other one, I remember I was at a company where a guy wanted me to, he wanted me to sell security cameras to like people, like businesses and stuff. And the security cameras, everything was in Chinese. He just bought them from China and they were like the menus and everything. And I remember. We were someplace and he's like, yeah, you should be selling. Shouldn't you be out there selling stuff to people? And I was like, if you gave me something to sell and he didn't and he got really offended and the next day they were like, yeah, you can't talk to the owner that way. And I was like, but it's the truth. I don't have anything to sell. I just told the truth. Like, yeah, you can't do that. So, and yeah, you just, there's, yeah, it's weird. If you see Nick Petrello in downtown wearing a trench coat, he's just selling watches. Okay. Yeah. I'm just selling watches from China. So. He should try selling Avon or something. Herbalife. Herbalife, bro. Yeah. Isn't that what everybody does? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then they lose all their money because they got invested in it or something. Mona V. Your new nickname could be Nick Pyramid Scheme Petrello. Come on. Yes. Yes. Nick Ponzi Petrello. That's how we're doing it. Ponzi scam. That's how we're doing it. I've never gotten, like, I've never gotten fired. I've literally, like, had to make up excuses why, like, when I left Fridays, TGI Fridays, I was like, I gotta go. I'm getting another job in Manhattan. Like, oh, do you want to trans? Oh, no. I told him I was moving to Manhattan. Like, do you want to trans? They offered you a transfer. They offered me a transfer. No, I'm gonna go because it sucked. It was the worst job ever. What's TGI Fridays? Well, I had to wear suspenders. This is the days you had to wear suspenders. Did you have to wear flare? It was called spirit. And you had to wear 12 of them. And a hat to show your, wear a hat to show your personality. I'm like, really? What? Tell somebody to go fuck them. You had that little fucking button. I got one of those hats that looks like a balloon dildo. Just kind of. Eat a dick, sir. Eat a dick. For your jacket. And especially. Are people, have you worked multiple kind of serving jobs? Is it me or does it seem like TGI Fridays would be an environment where they could be more rude to you? Oh, they're awful. Really? They're awful. Because it's like this mentality, like, I'm at Fridays. I want a lot of Jack Daniel wings. Oh, yeah. And my goblet of Long Island iced tea, which, by the way, is a ripoff. Just to let you know. And you literally are busting your ass. Yeah. And you have so much side work. And I just was like, this blows. And I had a walkout. And I literally was like. They're like, you could be fired. I'm like, please. Let me go. Let me go. And they're like, but we're fine. You're okay. They're like, no, we'll take it out of your tips first. But you can work tomorrow. Yeah, basically. Yeah. I remember I walked with no money that night. And I literally was like, I got to get out of here. And then I went to another restaurant. I always wanted to work at Dick's Last Resort when I was younger. Yeah. Remember that spot? Yeah. That was like that restaurant where they treated you like crap on purpose. Yeah. Because I remember I was playing college softball and we had a tournament in San Antonio. Yeah. And one of the biggest Dick's Last Resorts is there. And we were all dressed up, you know, in those wind suits. We're all matching. As soon as we walk in, one server goes, yo, I got the rug munchers right there. I was like, what? I like that. I like that. Allowing you to speak your mind against the people who deserve it. Oh, that's great. That's because. Oh, yeah. He was like, we have no fish tacos on the menu. I'm just letting you know that, guys, right now. That's amazing. So he was just like cracking jokes. I get a job there. Jesus. You should. I would. Oh, yeah. I say it now. I mean. That's why I like to bartend. Because you can be a little bit more of an ass than a server. When I bartend, literally, people go, excuse me, do you have soy milk here? I go, where are you right now? Okay, where are you? Are you at Starbucks? No, you're not. Order a regular cappuccino and shut up. So I'm glad you got done being homeschooled yesterday. Now that you're out and you're unsheltered, have some real milk. I have a regular. She thought, like. By regular, she means a drunk. Yeah. She really wasn't used to, like, how I was when I got here. Because people are like, oh, my God, I'm in a real hurry. I got to get out of here. Yeah. I have an appointment. So I need to order my food and get out of here. I say, hey, you want to cut the story? Give me the order. Or what? It's like. I was just. I just can't. Yeah, well, I could have had your food out by now. I don't need the backstory. I don't care what you did last night. I don't care how hungry you are today. I don't care that you skipped breakfast. Do you want your chicken tacos or what? Like, that's how I go. That's how I serve. Oh, my God. And, you know, on occasion, I get yelped. But, hey. I get yelped. What do you want? They're literally. I mean, I remember I went into a Rubio's recently. And there was a guy. He was. I swear to God. He was so rude. He told one of the. This is what happened. I walk in. There's a fat guy. He's yelling about his tacos. He's from the south. And he's yelling. He's like, man, I wanted the carne asada and the corn tortillas and this little flout. And he's yelling. Right. And so then the guy behind the counter just goes, look, I need to, like, walk away. Or you could see that look on his face. Yeah. He walks away. And now there's nobody at the counter. I'm behind him. The guy doesn't know that me and my buddy are standing there. And he turns to his wife. And this is the words that he literally turned to her. And he said, man, fucking minorities. And he said it. And he said it loud. Hell no. Super loud. So that everybody in the place could hear it. And there's, dude, everyone in there. And that's, like, it was just rude. And then I remember seeing. This is a true part of the story. Yeah, I see one Mexican guy lean out from the kitchen and just make this, like, messed up face. Like, all right, I got it. I got this. I got this. And then head back in. These balls are going right now in your carne asada tacos. Into the tacos. That's what's happening. Hopefully they're Mexican balls because then they'll taste really good. It's like carne asada. Did anybody say anything? I'm not talking to him. No. No one said anything. Like, one of my buddies was standing next to me and just went, Jesus Christ. And that's when the guy turned around and kind of saw it and realized he was being judged. And I think that finally hit him. And he went, huh, all right, well, we're just going to get our thing and go. And then finally toned it down. I think it takes that third party kind of thing. Yeah. I would have been like, fuck you, buddy. Yeah. Because you never know if you're on that show, what would you do? Yeah. You work jobs, right? I'm working one right now. I bartend, too. And you bartend, yeah. But Yelp is like. It's like a Nazi. Anytime I think I've done something bad or pissed off a customer, I always end up checking it the next day just to make sure you get told on. I've been Yelped, yeah. I just don't even say my name. The guy Yelped me four weeks later. Like, he kept drafting it. Yeah. And like, erasing it. He kept editing. I mean, it's like, really. He wants to be useful and funny on a Yelp review. He's adding more words of the word cunt. He just keeps adding cunt. He spelled my name wrong. He actually talked to Petrillo, had him give him some hints. Oh, my God. And by the way, the girl that he was with came back months later and said, oh, my God, the guy was so rude. To the girl, because I kicked him out. And then she goes, I have a restraining order against it. How come he's allowed to Yelp? How come that guy's allowed to Yelp? Well, I had two people making out in my well, and I actually ended up doing this. They were making out, and I couldn't get them to stop. So I was like, you guys should get the special for the next drink. And the guy goes, what? And I was like, it's called a room. You finally got a chance to give it to someone? Yeah, I finally got a chance to say it. That's amazing. Well, I'll tell you something. I've been doing a YouTube thing. It's called Rose Restaurant. I do restaurant rants. Yeah. I saw that. Oh, I'll tweet. Yeah, because it's only it's for my server people. Yeah. Because it's like, you know what it's like to deal with the public. It's like I take one issue and I just go off about it for like two minutes and then I'm done. And I get a lot of aggression out. Can you come over here and you mean after I take care of the other 10 people who got here before? Hey. Oh, yeah. You know what's fun for me is fun for me is being in a group where you have that snotty customer and then I get to like attack that person. And then they go, yeah. What do you want? I'll just have a number two because I'm not a difficult bitch. So that's, you know, you get to do that. You know, you don't need to do anything special for me because I'm not a complete waste of time and I'm going to tip you, you know, and then you get to like make fun of that person. Someone whistled at me once and then it's like I turned around and they go, as soon as they did that, they're like, I am so sorry. I'm like, I was about to apologize. I go, I'm like, I was about to put your checkbook in my mouth and walk over with like a dog. They're like, that sounds about right. We're sorry. You should be. I've already done. I've already ranted about service animals. I'm sorry. Excuse me. If your service animal is pink, don't even call it a service animal. You're not even allowed to ask if it's a service animal. Yeah. You know how you trick them? Is that your pet? And then they go, no, it's my service dog. Exactly. We've come up with all kinds of tricks. Cause you're, it's like, why aren't you allowed to ask if it's a service animal? Yeah. And also keep it off the bench. It doesn't need to lick your bread plate. Okay. Get the fuck. Sanitation. Sanitation. This very flamboyantly gay man said, you embarrassed me in front of my family and my dog. Okay. And I was like. Sorry. You embarrassed yourself. Okay. You need to calm the fuck down. Don't fucking. They're called stereotypes for a reason, not ambitions. All right. Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry. And also too, if you're wheeling in your service dog, that's not a service dog. Yeah. It should walk. It should walk. It's supposed to help you. You don't help it. And a cat is not a service animal. We had a woman rolling a cat. No way. That is not a. Oh, I looked it up. It's an emotionally. Yeah. Emotional behavior. Like an emotional. Like misery. Love. We stole. We're both crippled. It's a cat. And that's why people have them on. They're like, they get their little pet chihuahua dropkick dogs. Uh-huh. It's not even emotional at that point. It's like, okay, I get it. You're mentally weak. You can't be alone. Like, this is your mental crutch. I like how your eyes are just getting bigger and bigger as you're saying this. Nick's just getting more enraged. He's like, it's enraging. It's silly. Are you kidding me? How can you not stand it? Just, just, and you're doing this just to be a burden, just to stick out and be like, oh my God, I got, here, this is my special needs dog. It's like, okay, great. All right. You are an idiot. See, I don't deal with the animals because I, I'm at a bar, like an actual bar that can't bring them in. See, I do occasionally, but it's not. You know, people aren't really, they have their dog, but they never, it's like they stay outside with their dog. I'm like, oh, that's fine. Okay. Well, here's what bothers me too. I just did a rant about it. It's about when you hear something in the news and people are like, oh my God, no spinach. Don't eat spinach. Oh my God. Corona. E. coli. This week was cool. Yeah. Oh, the lemon. Or the tomatoes. Oh yeah, the tomatoes. Nobody gets tomatoes. Nobody gets tomatoes. Oh yeah. Or when there was like a lime drought, like everybody was like, are you going to have enough for my group and my Coronas? I'm sorry. My bark stopped carrying limes during it. Because it was more than me. It was more than me. It's like the drug cartel should have switched to limes because they would have made a killing. Everybody was buying black market limes in Tijuana. I mean, it was insane. It comes down to Sally. I got some great limes for you. So like, if you have limes and nobody give out limes, it's like, keep them on the side. And people look so, they're like, how do you, how do you not carry limes? I'm like, because there's a shortage. Because there's a drought. What do you mean that doesn't happen? Yes, it does. If there's a freeze, there's a, there's a shortage. If there's a drought, there's a shortage. There's a cartel? There's a shortage. You know that you can have a beer without a lime, right? Like it totally is not going to kill you. If it's Mexican, you can't have it without. No, you can't. No, you can't. You got to put a little salt on the rim of it. You might as well. 86 the beer. Might as well. I'll attest, you cannot have a Mexican beer without limes. And now Corona's been the big thing. Have you heard of Corona? Corona is now the big thing. It's been recalled because of glass. It's because some schmuck probably cracked one and drank it like an idiot. Oh, there's glass. I got a piece of glass. Oh my God, there's glass. No, I also hate the people that like will flag you down all the way on the other end of the bar so you hurry over and then they go, oh no, no, no. Whenever you have time, it's okay. I'm patient. I'm patient. Whenever you get a chance, I'm like, come back in seven days then if you don't want to expedite. I also hate when they're just like, oh, I want this. And then you give them it and they go, and I also want this. Tell me all at once. I go, all right, well, I'm going to take care of those four customers who have their order ready and then I'll come back when you're like. My biggest pet peeve too is like you don't have any customers. You're just standing there, right? And you're just there and they're like, hey, can I get the check? I call that Monday. When you get a chance. When you get a chance. What the fuck am I doing? I'm standing here. I'm going to print it up and hand it to you. I don't need when you get a chance. Like I haven't gotten your fucking water, okay? So if you guys don't know, this is now the battle of the bar rant. I know. Yeah, pretty much. I just get so mad. Nick goes, I'm used to being on the other side. No, no, no. I am on the other side. But that's the thing. I'm surprised to people on the other side. Like when people I'm with do that, you get embarrassed. You're like, why would you? Why would you? Why don't you just be a person? And oh, they didn't bring you. Oh, they brought you corn instead of flour. Oh, that's too bad. Just fucking eat it. Oh, yeah. When I used to work at Sal's, they had a bakery in the back. And so I was like, I'm. You don't admit that you've worked there. True. True. The IRS will be contacting you. I know. Oh, yeah. No, I haven't been there in two years. Did you claim your tips those two years? Wait. Yeah, of course. Yeah. No, I. That was the schedule came out like the next day. It was. I need you to work tomorrow. Oh, but no. Someone came in and they're like, do you guys have like a gluten free menu? I go, I'm like, how gluten free are like, is it celiac disease? Or no, no, no, no. It's like she goes, I just don't like gluten. I'm like, I can't guarantee nothing back there hasn't touched flour. I don't like. Sometimes I just want to throw some gluten in just to see if they're actually allergic. You are being so inconsiderate to my disease. I'm like, I'm allergic to penicillin. So have fun with that. Yeah. There's actually a website for these people to meet up. You know that there's a there's a gluten gluten people meet dot com or whatever. Yeah. And they meet up to, you know, help, you know, spread their disease. And they get to go to like an STD. Yeah, pretty much. They're just breeding weaker children. Dude, your kid's going to get to 10 and be killed by his birthday cake. Some people it's just because they don't like it, though, because like I've had girlfriends that will lie and say they have shellfish allergies just so they don't get crab in like a sushi roll. They'll be like, I cannot have crab. I can't. I'm allergic. I'm like, no, you're not. Somebody came in and said, I'm allergic to all spices except oregano. What the fuck are you doing here? It's an herb. Oh, yeah. We're going to die and join. Yeah. Go home. You want to know what somebody ordered the other day? One of the servers. Garlic and oil. He came up to me. Let's go get Italian. He goes like this. He goes, Ro, I have to tell you this order before I put it in. Sure. She goes, I want a mimosa. No orange juice. And instead of champagne. Someone did that. Yeah. I want a double shot. I want a vodka with fresh lime juice and muddled mint. Bitch, that's a mojito. That's a mojito with no sugar. With vodka. Someone came in the other day. They're like, I want a mimosa. I don't like orange juice. I'm like, well, that's kind of the key ingredient. I just like champagne. That's called champagne. Do you want pineapple juice? Yeah. Let's try that. I'll have Oreo without the cookie. That's what I want. Just give me that. So you want some of that sweet, sweet cream. All right. Well, Eddie. We're totally fucked up. Yeah. No, it's pretty much good on a hand. Yeah. Anyway, so this is Battle of the Sexes. So we have like little challenges. He actually won the secret one because he cussed first. I am surprised. I was like listening. I'm like, why haven't either of them? Like, it took 10 minutes. That's right. I would have expected. No, bitch was the first one he said. Yeah. I'm like sitting there. I'm like, someone's got to swear fucking soon. I'm usually the first one. I know. I was like, all right, this is going to be knocked out in like five seconds. All right. Hey, fucking how are you guys doing? You're a fucking fuck faces. Exactly. But the next one we have is actually Battle of the Braggarts. Oh. So you guys get to brag about yourself for 30 seconds. Whoever brags best wins that one. So he's already up. Well, he's already up because he got Fox. Because he got Fox. Yeah. Isn't that a braggart thing? Well, you got to do it. No, he has to do it like now. Like I'm bragging about. Oh. Yeah. Like if you were like, oh yeah, but I did this and I've done that and I've done this and I've done that. Okay. Are you going? Yeah. But like. Yeah, 30 seconds. Like saying you ain't got nothing on me. Exactly. You ain't got nothing on me. I just moved into my car and moved my TV and attached it to the roof. And. I don't. Dude, there's nothing to brag about in my life. Guys, are you putting me on the spot for? Are you shitting me? So, Jesus. How about I got to touch Snooki's ass on MTV and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a brag? Yeah. Fucking Jesus Christ. High five me and see if you don't get itchy palms. So, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, diseases. Spreading diseases. I'm good. Yeah. You good? It's like one of those gluten groups. We're good. See the fucking crabs. Okay, look. I'm just kidding. They're like crawling around on my head. All right. All right. So you want to brag about yourself? Yeah. I want to brag. I have an apartment that has a separate living room and bedroom. Yeah. Thank you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I've been cut from Celebrity Rehab. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Because it got cut. Yeah. And I'm big in Victorville. Oh. Keep going, girl. Keep going. Oh, God. Oh, let's see. I've had a lot of TV credits, but none of them aired. Yeah. That's right. I've been on. That's right. That's right. I was on Mango, and I lost, and got a t-shirt. Thank you. Thank you. I opened for Lisa Lambernelli for six years, and have shit to show for it. I just had to go to 12 programs for it. Winner. I'd say Roe won that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Good job, bro. Do I get the clap? Oh, the clap. You get that clap, not the, not that. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Not the clap from Nick's hand. Thank you. My boyfriend's happy about that. You went to the show and got the clap. Great. So you also have, you do Blame It On Ginger today. Yeah. And then you also do Silly Ass Podcast. I used to do Silly Ass Podcast too. I was in the first round of Silly Ass Podcast. Yeah. So I'm in the, yeah, we're on the John Lovitz network. And then we're on the Skin Rove Studios network. I love it because at least it's not in the basement anymore with them hot boxing, smoking weed. I was just like, I can't do this show no more. That's just my apartment they go to now. I couldn't because I was one of the few that like didn't smoke weed and you come in, it would be like a cloud. They love smoking weed. They love smoking weed. We don't smoke it obviously at the club. Yeah. They love smoking weed because you're at the club when you're taping the podcast. They like smoking weed and talking about the six. I did have to get drunk. Yeah. I was like drunk to bait. I'm like. So how often do you do that show now? The Silly Ass. We just started. We just started on the John Lovitz podcast. And then we have our running comedy shows that we do. So we have the running comedy live shows, but we just started the John Lovitz network. Do they still do the Creepy McCreeperton? No. Sketch? But I will tell them that keep it all says bring it back. Yeah. Jamal used to play this character that would come to like the shows and be like the creeper that would come up to you and be like, oh, Nick Petrello, you're my favorite. You talk about pizza so good. I love pizza too. I will tell you we had like a meeting at my house. We were like, okay, we're going to have a meeting and we're going to get everything together like a production meeting. And we drank so much tequila. That was every production. That was every production meeting. And Jamal was like, oh man, I got to go home. I'm like, well, the bus like at 2 a.m. We're like, dude, sleep on our couch. It's fine. Right? Yeah. Jamal's like, I don't even remember. We put like some messages on the Facebook group and he goes, I don't remember writing any of this. Or I woke up in a fetal position on Rose Couch. Oh my God. And that was our production meeting. I was going to say that's every writing session. Someone's like, hey, you want to get together and write? And just turns into drinking with notebooks. Oh yeah. That's it. Oh yeah. And then we like mapped out our game plan and some messages. We're like, this is amazing. This is amazing. We're making shit happen. We just spray painted a wall drunk. Oh no, you would love this. We go like this. Okay. Our potential to make for comedy. We've high-ended it $8,000 a month. Like, oh my God. It's real successful. See, we, our writing sessions always turn into this. We're going to cross promote. We're going to make wristbands. We're going to make t-shirts. And that was after like a bottle of tequila. Yeah. Nick, are you kidding? That's you before and after a show too. He gets drunk during the show and then you and Neff exit the show going, okay, we're getting drunk. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean. It's usually Neff's place. No, but yeah, I think when I was starting, there were some times where I got like seriously, seriously fucked up. And then. Yeah. But now. I'm aware. I won't get fucked up before the show. First of all, fuck you. Second of all. Yeah, you're right. Second of all, fuck you. No. I seriously, I've at least like, I'm like, okay, if there's no more comedy to do, then I'm going to go ahead and get drunk with comics. So. I stopped going to Neff's house after bars closed because I'm like, I'm going to be drinking there until six in the morning. Yeah. Yeah. But then he'd be like, it's okay. You can use my regular bed because I don't sleep on my regular bed. He doesn't. I sleep on the bed in the living room. It's weird. Really? Yeah. Yeah. No. Which. He has a bed in his living room because he'll work on his computer and then just go to bed right there next to him. He can't get up and like. No. No. He can't walk to the bedroom. Yeah. Plus, I know for, he likes the fact that the TV's out there and he can wheel it. Yeah. And he's like me. Like, I actually, I sleep better when the TV's on because then. Oh yeah. I can't have any noise. I can't. No, see, I pop the TV on and put the sleep timer on. No, see, I'm the kind of person that like, when I'm in bed and there's nothing else going, I'm left with my own thoughts and that's just going to keep me up all night. So yeah. So I need the TV. I need like family guy or. You're a creature of two foot comfort. It has to be like two feet away from you. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. That's how it is. So, and it's got to be occupying my brain at all times. Oh. So. Oh God. Yeah. So I have a question. Okay. You were also. I. You also teach comedy? I do. How's that going for you? Well, I don't have a class right now, so it's going great. I have no idea why I'm asking. There's another brag. There's the snort. We got it. I've taught, like I've done private coaching. I've taught at a comedy club, which I will remain nameless because they didn't pay me very well. Yeah. I'm not a fan. Yeah. I literally like after six weeks, I'm like, this is my paycheck. But you should be doing it because you like comedy and you're doing everything for free. No, but that's because it's our club. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to. I'm going to teach these comics how not to work for free. See, that's the thing. If you're a teacher at an elementary school, at least 75% of your students are going to go on to be doctors and lawyers and whatnot. When you're teaching comedy, you're like, damn. You're teaching them about failure. And also you get tenure and a paycheck as a teacher. Yeah. No, I mean, I actually really, the reason why I teach is because I enjoy it. Like, I feel like a lot of the comedy teachers that are out today, they don't do comedy. No. I mean, they really don't. They teach standup and they don't do any comedy. That fucking drives me crazy. Or they do improv. They do. Yeah. Or they go, oh, well, I used to do comedy. And now I teach. It's like, I like, because I don't just teach like the pretty stuff about it. I go, we're going to go to a bar. You're going to perform at Liam's. That's true. Yes. You're going to go to Park Bar. Okay, because. You should bring him to Big Fish. Yeah, I should. Yeah. So, it's a rough one. Hangled by the bartender who lives here. Yeah, Billy Billy, who walks around with a hammer and a bullwhip. Like, just out of the mind. He also has a noose under the chair now. Oh, that's great. So, you can kill yourself right there. So, anyway, the thing is, I teach it. So, basically, I like to teach. Because, listen, I actually used to take class. Like, I started because I took a seminar. And then I performed. Oh, a seminar. That's official. Yeah, it was like, I was, I didn't know anything about stand-up. What's that? No, it was Wednesday night. I'll never forget. My comedy anniversary is coming up on September 24th. Oh, congratulations. Yes, 15 years. 15 years. 15 years. Thank you. I've used this button more today than ever before. That's nice. And the thing is, when I started, Lisa, that's how I started opening for Lisa. Because she was the emcee that night. And it was literally like, I was like, Oh, I found what I was supposed to do, blah, blah, blah. And then I went on the road. She taught a class that I took. Oh, really? Yeah. So, basically, I would just get, like, I just wanted to learn about comedy. I had no idea what I was doing. You know what I mean? I got a notebook. I started, oh, this is amazing premise. Roaches in New York. Like, everybody's like, it's amazing. Yeah, totally. Nobody's ever done that before. This has never been done. Yeah. But, I mean, I literally, but she used to take me, like, this was before any fame or anything. Like, I was in these rough bars where you're like, oh, fuck. I don't know. I mean. Anchor that. Yeah. I bombed a lot. I mean, I bombed. I've tanked. I've had really rough shows. I've had really great shows. But I literally just learned. I was in the trenches. Like, I had spots at, like, 245 in the morning on the prom. But I had to create my own levels. Right. You know, like, I had to say, okay, I can't bring anybody to a show. Like, I had to create from, like, a bringer to paying like that. And I just had to create my own levels. People don't learn that anymore. No. Not at all. It's not like, oh, book a bringer. Like, I get it. Bringers are a necessary evil. But, you know, what the thing is. Yeah, but they weren't when we started, though. No, they weren't. And they're not like they are today. They were when I started. They're not like they are today. When I started. Yeah, and it was fucking rough in New York. If you showed up with three people and you were supposed to bring five, they'd be like, sorry. See you later. And like, see. And you're like, fuck. You know. But literally, I just think that it's all different today. And now people just go for the glam and the YouTube. And it's an art. People don't know it's an art form. Like, we work on this shit all the time. You're putting your body, mind, and soul on stage. And you're up there being vulnerable. And if you're not, then, I mean, I don't know what you're doing. But it's like, for me, it's like, you're putting your soul out there. Yeah. You know? I've had friends that go, eh, it's free tickets, but I don't want to pay for parking. And I'm like. Fuck you. And I'm like, wait, hold on a second. Do you know how many thousands of dollars I've spent in gas, coffee, paying open mic? Like, when they say pay your dues. Yeah, let's go with this coffee. When they say pay your dues, you were literally with money paying your dues. I've maxed out credit cards from my car. From driving and groceries. And I remember I saw my mechanic twice for an oil change in like two weeks. I drove like 6,000 miles. You know? You're just like all over. Like, people go, oh, the gig's far. It's about 30, 45 minutes away. That's not fucking far. Yeah. No, it's close. Okay. Try going to Victorville. Yeah. Try driving 19 hours and listening to the Nanny Diaries and you want to kill yourself. Just try that. Why were you listening to the Nanny Diaries? Because the headliner, Justin, he wanted to buy a book on tape. So that's the guy. On CD. The headliner picked. He goes. He goes, this is cheap. I go, okay, get it. Okay, drive it. I remember having to drive to Hesperia to like feature with Jeff Keefe for Andy Dick. Yeah. I'm driving by myself. I'm like, fuck, three hours? Books on tape are great, actually, to be honest. You know what? I stopped in Hesperia to make some gas money to get to Vegas to do a show. Like, I was like, oh, I'll get up Hesperia on my way to Vegas. That was the point. To work for free. Like, I'll work for 50 bucks in Hesperia to get gas money to Vegas for free. Exactly. It's like what we do. People don't. Like, people get it, but they don't really. They don't get what it is. They go, oh, it's really hard. No, it's not even just being hard, like, on stage. It's like the pro- The business of it. The business of it. Oh, are you getting paid yet? No, Dad, I'm not getting paid yet. Yeah, and like, you got to deal with your parents. And you got to deal with like, and then you actually, when you get to a point, you got to go, hey, I can't do the show. Like, some guy, I mean, it's fine, but he's like, oh, can you do a show out in Maroon and Delray? Well, I have to ask you how much does it pay? Because it's going to take me two hours to get there on a Friday night. And he goes, we'll give you at least 15 bucks. 15 bucks. Yeah, you're like, that's it. But it's exposure. Well, plus like those three hour away sets, if you have like a bad night or something happens, then you got to drive three hours back with your own thoughts, just sitting there thinking about it. You're listening to your set on the way home. I've done San Juan Capistrano and then Colton in one night. By the time, like, I'm driving back, I'm like, oh my God. What's funny is that every business in America is a pyramid scheme. And no, they all are. If you think about it, all the way up to CEO, it's a pyramid scheme. You want to be middle management and whatever. And the comedy is the one. It's a pyramid where, dude, we're not even on the pyramid. Do you understand that? Because no, if you think about it, I watched one of my comedy buddies. We drove out to the Inland Empire. Somebody paid him $150 to do a show. And I saw this guy with a stack of money like this, just a stack that he was holding. It took his paw, his whole paw to wrap around. And it was all 20s. And he was like, so we said 120, right? And he's like, no, 150. And he's like, 130? And he's like, fine. I was like, okay. And I'm like, you're arguing over $10? I know. I know. I know. With my friend who's got like nothing. And so, okay, great. And then they want you to bring people because they can't do marketing. And then they want you. That's my favorite is the unknown club. Oh, yeah. They teach a marketing class. Yeah. Oh, my God. And that's the thing. That's the thing that's messed up is that you have, like, there's producers out there that I know that I'm like, I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they. Oh, man. The one guy I love, where does Mike Sotero find the time to sleep? He doesn't. He's my neighbor. Trust me. He does not sleep. He works, works, works, works, works. That's it. And then he works at the griddle in the morning till like four in the afternoon because they're done by four. And then he goes and does three or four shows, two that he's producing, comes home and then just starts it all over again. And I watched, I watched another friend of mine who he's like that. He does like a lot of shows and he produces, he's writing material. He's hitting up multiple open mics at night. And then I watched him at a sold out show at a very well-known, I'm not going to mention who it is, but at a social. And the manager was really, really good. Ripping into him hardcore going, yeah, this could possibly be your last time here. And I asked him, I was like, what's the problem? And he was like, well, they're just mad because someone was in the back trying to record a set. And like, you don't control that. And plus you sold out this entire place. What are they giving you? And you'd be surprised at how little they get. Oh, yeah. I got it. I got an actually impressive story for you. I won't say who the comic is, but he was, he was producing a show out of town and was paying like major headliners to be on the show. And when he hit me up in a couple of people, he's like, yeah, I'll throw you a hundred, a hundred bucks to come down here and do 30 minutes, whatever. He was literally using his own tax refund money to try to do his own show and do it the right way. That way he could build relationships in comedy. And I didn't know at first, I'm like, how'd you get the budget to do this? Cause he put on like five or six good shows in a row and then could start doing a trade off for other shows. Cause he was a new comic, like brand, brand new. And when I finally asked him, he's like, I gotta be honest with you. He's like, this'll be the last show that I actually produced because I just ran through my tax refund. And I was like, are you kidding me? And he goes, yeah, I was paying out of pocket because I wanted to get to know good comics and be surrounded by them. And no one was putting me on good shows. So I was like, I'll put myself on a good show that I pay for. Wow. Yeah. That's dedication. It's that much, $6,000 in tax refund. Just to do. Well, I think he's like, well, no, I think it was like he had been saving his tax refunds. That's dedication. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. If I had known, I felt kind of bad. I'm like, shoot, this isn't even budget. This is a dude's tax refund that he's paying me with. And I had no idea, but I was, I was impressed because he was that dedicated to try to do good shows. So yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Do we have another, another battle? Oh, we have another battle. You guys are tied right now. Okay. We're tied. It's your mama. We're tied. I thought she won the last one. Yeah. But you won the cussing joke. I won the cussing one. Oh, nice. So now you got it. You just realized that. I thought that meant I was going first in the battle. No, that's a challenge. Oh, okay. We're one in one. All right. Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck. So, so Rose got to call it in the air. Call it, Rose. Heads. Okay. It's heads. So you got to decide who goes first in the yo mama joking. Nick could go first. Nick, you got to start with the cut down. It's like. It's the yo mama's. Eight mile. Well, yeah. Kind of, kind of eight mile-ish. And plus also, if like, I don't know, this is, this is weird for me just because there were so many yo mama jokes when I was coming up that I'm like, oh my God, how do I. You can use them. You can use them. You can use them. Yeah. No. It's not like you're stealing material. Okay. Because I was like, I started writing like my, my own ones because it's like, okay, I need to come up with. You can use anything. Oh, okay. Yo mama's so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, someone yells, taxi. Okay, Rose. I like that. Yo mama's so fat that her measurements are 36, 24, 36 and her other arm is just as big. Go Nick. Let's see. Hey, your mom is so cheap. She goes to thrift stores to shop for secondhand tampons. Oh, that's gross. Honey, your mom is so fat. This is how she plays hopscotch. New York, Miami, Chicago. That was cute, bro. Thanks. Nicholas. Oh God. Man, I thought they were going to be going like that. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Yo mama jokes were always so impersonal that I always said something about the person's mother. Your mom's fucking ugly. She does a shitty sob. You're a fucking terrible person. She has a shitty kid. Go fuck yourself. So that's usually, like that's, that's where that comes from. I was going to say your mom is so fat. She was born on July 7th, 8th and 9th. I think row one. Yeah. Row one. Yeah. Yeah. I used to do those things. That's what we did in New York. We actually would snap back and forth like a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think like, cause I remember all those, like, you know, your mom is so fat. She has a VCR as a beeper. That's old school. Yeah. That's how long I've been doing it. We didn't do that. It was just brutal. Like the, I'm just going to say terrible things about your mom. Really jugular. Yeah. Yeah. Really. We just went for it. The worst one I ever heard somebody ever say is they were like, yo mama's so fat. She almost swallowed you when you were born. Yeah. I was like, oh God. That's rude. I know, right? I told one kid, yeah, your mom is so shitty. She's the reason your dad died of cancer. Oh my God. Nick. We just went hard. Like what? It was just, it was just like straight to the jugular. That doesn't mean me. We would rip each other's throats out. Like, and we meant, like we meant it cause these were kids I didn't like. Jesus. Nick's mama's so mean she ate his last pizza and that's why he's all mean right now. Well, my mom's a fucking saint. Okay. So how dare you. Dorothy Mantooth is a saint. How dare you. So. Whatever my buddies are like, yo, your mom's a whore or something. I'm like, you've met my mother. She's a saint. And you're aware of this. You should see me in front of my mom. You should go on your mama on MTV and say that. You've met my mother and she's a saint. She's a saint. That's the end of that. Dave won. All right. So Nick, on Saturday night, you're going to be on Laughs. They're going to be showing your episode. Yeah. On Laughs on Fox, it was shot at the Comedy Hideaway in Goleta. It was a great show, dude. So really, it was one of those crowds that I was like, man, how many mushrooms did they put in the food? Cause everyone's laughing like ridiculous. That's awesome. It's fun. It's a fun show. I haven't done it yet. Super fun show. And you're also on Big Fish next Tuesday at 10. Yes, you are. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. We should all do. Big Fish next Tuesday at 10. And actually, I'm also at the Ontario Improv next Tuesday at 8. I think. But which one are you actually going to push on that? No, no, no. I'm doing Big Fish. Okay. So they got on Laughs on Fox and Laughs said, hey, we need you to promote like a show. We need a show for you to promote that's after August 30th. And I went and I reached out to a couple of buddies to see if I could, you know, maybe a halfway decent show. And then it was real short notice. So I couldn't really get anything. I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to. It's at. It's midnight. It's probably like, I don't know who's going to be watching. There might just be comments. And so I told Swan, I was like, dude, I want to push Big Fish. That's awesome. I want to push Big Fish. That is awesome. So I gave him. So it's going to be. It's going to say Nick Petrillo. You can see him at Big Fish in Glendale on September 2nd. That's awesome. Incredible. And I told him, I was like, if anybody actually sees that and shows up, I will eat whatever shirt I'm wearing. So I will definitely. That is incredible. You're a good promo person, though, because I remember that I hadn't been to the spot to work on sets in years. In like years. And the one day I end up going, I see you there. And the guy that runs it's like, this guy hasn't been here in forever, but we're so happy when he comes. Give it up for Nick Petrillo. And I'm like, this is a coffee open mic here. Oh, it's great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's LG. I love LG. Yeah. LG Ross. He's awesome. Oh, the spot's awesome. Yeah. It's a really good place to work out. Especially if you have something to do later that night, because it happens at 2 p.m. on a Saturday. So. Oh, really? Yeah. You can just go get your get your quick workout in and then. Go do productive things besides comedy. You said workout at first. I'm like, oh, Jim goes. Nick goes to the gym. And I'm like. Oh, yeah. Look at me. Do I look like I'd ever talk about a gym? No. I just love that. After you do your set, they can offer you tags and stuff and give you advice. Nick just walks right off the stage. He's like, see you later. No, no, no. Well, no. Only because there was nobody. I actually do. I used to when I would record, I record my sets there and I actually leave it running to gather some of it. I know some guys are like, you know, I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want anybody telling me how to do comedy. Yeah. But I'm like, you never know when someone's going to say something that maybe the exact thing they say you don't use, but it pushes your brain in an avenue that you haven't thought of. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, dude, fuck it. I'll steal your thoughts. Seriously. Just give me your thoughts and also your bank account number. Social security number. Your social security and your mother's maiden name. And your favorite pet. First card. Don't forget that one. My favorite pet from childhood. Exactly. Oh, my God. The street that you grew up on. They're going to know all your passwords. Where you were born. Where you met your spouse. Blood type. So Ontario Improv and Big Fish next Tuesday and laughs. Yes. Miss Roe Delegrazy, where are you going to be? I'm going to be in Ontario too next week at the, some American Legion. Just not the Improv. I'm going to be at the Improv, the Ontario Improv at the end of September on Stone Rob Show. Okay. And then I'm in San Diego at the Comedy Palace a couple of times. I'm also, if you want, I'm going to be waiting online for the new Dunkin' Donuts to open up. Me too. I'll go with you. Let's do it. Why? That place is going to go to San Monica? Not that good. Yeah, in San Monica. If you're on the first 150, get a swag bag. Oh my God. And then the first person online, you get free coffee for a year. Roe, do you want to meet up? We can carpool. Yeah, my friend's coming with me. Yeah, let's do it. Oh, I'm so excited. Nick, you want to go to a bar? I am so excited. Oh my God. We got to go early, early, early, early Tuesday. With no lines? I will bring lawn chairs and we can sit. Yeah, I'm totally down. This is girl shit happening. I love it. I love it. No, it's not. No, people love Dunkin' Donuts. It's Dunkin' Donuts. They're the only people. It's not that great. What? They're the only people that do the strawberry glaze with the colored sprinkles. Crispy cream. I like it here to grab swabs. Have you ever seen her eat? No. Okay, listen. Keep your hands away from her. Listen, they have French vanilla, the best French vanilla Dunkin' Donuts. French vanilla Dunkin' Donuts. I'm sorry. Coffee. Ken Hortons is better. Life, no. Crispy cream is better. No, no, no. Life has become even better in LA because we were having a Dunkin' Donuts and I'm Dunkin' Donuts. I'm going to be there at 2 a.m. Me too. Do you stop in Barstow every time you go to Vegas? Because they have a Dunkin' Donuts there. They do? They have one in the airport too. Oh my God. In Vegas. I don't give a shit. I will drive to Barstow. It's like telling a little kid that you saw Santa in Barstow. I can't believe that. I was in Victorville the other night. I should have gone. Do you realize that was one of the main reasons I didn't want to leave Houston, Texas? The only reason I didn't want to leave Houston, Texas is they have Dunkin' Donuts. Your guest last week, Buck? Yeah. Because I did his show back in February. Yeah. I had no voice. Yeah, I know. Because it's a 45 minute set that they have every come to. That one? Oh no, I had a 10 minute set. I guess the two days before the breaks. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no sleep there. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm excited for a Dunkin' Donuts date. I'm really excited. I'm going to be at a lot of places. You can check out my website. But I'm just saying I'm really excited about the Dunkin' Donuts. That's one place you will definitely be. I will definitely be there. It's Dunkin' Donuts. Come see me there. If you see her at Dunkin' Donuts, stay out of the way, okay? Yeah, I'm there. Nikki, where are you going to be? You can actually catch me in row tonight. Tonight. At Stir Lounge in Sherman Oak. Show starts at 8. It's free. It's actually a really good lineup. I love Julio Gonzalez. Yeah, Julio's great. Oh, my God. He has the best merch ever. I know. Subway. Subway. And instead of Subway, he has a shirt that says Subway. I forgot. I'm going to be at the Comedy Hideaway on Friday night. Nice. Yeah. Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara. That's awesome. On State Street? Yes. Yes. Is there more than one in Santa Barbara? No, there's, yeah, there's multiple things going on. That's the one for the last. I love when I'm around, Ro, because my that's awesome turns into that's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love the regional accent. I do. Which is good. Yeah. You should see when I'm with Melissa Shoshahi, I talk like a Persian. I'm like, you're a Scott. Oh, she is. Very much so. Boston guys get me. Yeah. I love Boston. It's so good. Oh, the Bostons. Oh, I support you. I work with a girl who's from Boston, and I just start mimicking her accent as soon as she starts. Where are you going to be, Dave? Big fish on Tuesday at 10. He's going to be with me at the fish on Tuesday at 10. And stumbling home at about 12. Stumbling what happened to your fruit boots? Oh, I still got the fruit. My rollerblades. I haven't done, I haven't used my rollerblades to get there in like a year because I kept hurting myself. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do that. Oh, man. I used to host the show. Well, if you catch Dave on his fruit boots, say hi to him. Yeah. On the way out. All right. That was another fun-filled edition of Battle of the Sexes, Battle of the Blabberwockies. Get it up for our winner. You got to give the trophy. Oh, yeah. Oh, I get a trophy? This is what happens when Dave's the main host. He gets off track. Where's my trophy? Dave also is hungover still. He is hungover. Yeah, it's okay. I'm not suspecting it. Okay, we got to give a clap to Rose and she's the winner. Whoa. She gets the bobble. Oh, it's a microphone. It's a microphone. A microphone. If you're a Dodger fan, she just got a Vince. I'm a Yankee fan, but I like the- I mean, two. Yeah, but I like the microphone. That's really cool. That's cool. All right, guys. Thank you so much to our two guests, Nick Petrello and Ro De La Grazie. Woo. Woo. We'll see you next week. Anything you want. I can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.