Take it off, take it in Take off all the thoughts of what we've been Take a look, hesitate Take a picture you could never recreate Got a song, make it known For the love that sits inside your throat Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate Take a look, hesitate You make me nervous, nervous, nervous Hello, hello, hello, nervous, nervous, nervous You make me nervous, nervous, nervous Hello, hello, hello, nervous, nervous, nervous And she doesn't have the titties, she doesn't have the ass She doesn't have the thick ass, she doesn't have the upper ass She doesn't have the titties, she doesn't have the ass She doesn't have the thick ass, she doesn't have the upper ass Girl, why you always gotta be hella flashing on me, girl Always gotta be hella arching your little back And woe is your little ass, girl Motherfucking, fucking cold with Dina and shit, girl Make me hella, hella, hella ready Girl, I'm gonna be hella, hella, hella ready You know I gotta get back home, but you don't wanna come home Come on and give it up, girl, you know you wanna show me Oh girl, oh girl, come on, oh, oh, oh, oh You know you gotta shake it off, oh, oh, oh, oh You know you make me, you make me, you make me, you make me Oh, oh, you make me so nervous, girl Are we back? Let's get back Yeah I like that stuff. We're back. What is this song right here, Mindy? It was supposed to be less Claypool, but it started with like a very quiet, delicate guitar intro that we could barely hear. I love that. I love that. You guys are listening to Sarcastic News Live, and we actually, this is more of like VH1 storytellers. And we like to bring people in. They like to tell us about themselves. And their songs. And we had a guy named Dan on the show a little while ago. And this is just a soundbite from Dan just talking about something very personal to him. Dan's balls. So that's Dan's girlfriend talking about his balls. You guys are listening to Sarcastic News Live. We got a great show for you tonight. Steve Hofstetter, comedian, is our guest here. He'll be with us in about 15 minutes or so. But this is a very, I mean, this is a runaway segment. I mean, I think we all know this. It's kind of free form. You know, that's how we like to mix it up. And tonight we have, do we have a guest already coming in on the line? Okay. Then you know what? It's called What's Happening in Your Neighborhood. And we've already got, this is how crazy it's getting. I want to bring in our first guest. Caller, this is, who am I talking to right now? Hey, what's up? It's Kate. Kate Quigley. Kate Quigley. What's going on? What's up, Quiggles? Kate. Sarcastic News crack squad member, comedian. And now she's in Portlandia for a couple days. Two days. How's it going up there? Good. I just got here. I've been here like two hours. It's cold. It's like 25 degrees. Oh, wow. That's, well, let me ask you this. Are you, well, before, hold on. Before we get going with you, Kate, I just want to, we have our theme song ready to go. So this is officially the What's Happening in Your Neighborhood segment. Here we go. Kind of quirky. A little arcade fire. Just, it takes a minute, you know. We're going to play this for the next three minutes. Three minutes, though, just so it gets in the rhythm. That's good, actually. That's fine. We don't get carried away over there. It's like a lovely walk in the park. It makes me feel happy. Well, you are in Portlandia. And as we all know, it consists of a lot of white people. And there's usually no crime there. Tell us about what's happening in Portland, what's happening in all the neighborhoods, Kate. Well, I'm bringing you two Portland stories since that's where I am. This one's actually short, but I think it's interesting. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. This is not a Portland story, actually. This is a Rochester, Minnesota story. I have my location wrong. No, it's just like... Same thing. Same thing. Even better. Even more white people. Even more white people, really. Just the same place. Yeah. So apparently a burglar actually broke into a fishing bait and tackle shop in Rochester, Minnesota. And there was cash out on the counter. But he didn't take it because he got scared off by Big Mouth Billy Bass, the singing fish on the wall. That thing is freaky. This guy broke into a tackle shop, got scared because he heard Billy the Bass singing and thought there was someone there and turned around and ran out. Oh, that's great. And lost money. That's... Wait, so... Wow. I mean, this was caught on film, right? Or was this... Did he... I mean, was this one of those fishing stories that he told people and then it got to be a fishing story? Or was this on camera? This was caught on film. And apparently, when he opened the door, he slammed the door into Billy the Big Mouth Bass. And he fell on the floor. So this guy sounds like he was a hot mess. But I don't understand how you break into a fishing and tackle shop and you don't prepare for like Billy... Like who hasn't seen a fishing fish? But he was singing, though. In fairness to this guy who broke into the shop, what... When is there a fish that sings? You know? Oh, my God. This thing is amazing. Do you know what it is? It's a fish on a piece of wood that actually like it turns out and looks at you and sings. It's kind of creepy. It's very creepy. Do you know this too, Jake? Yeah. It's a pretty well-known Billy Big Mouth Bass. It's pretty creepy. Wow. It's very popular in the heartland of America. If you win the game tonight, I'm going to get you a Billy the Big Mouth Bass. All right. I know what you're playing for. You guys should put one in the studio to keep intruders away. The rat cage? Kate, do you have any other stories for us tonight? Yeah. I have one more. This is actually amazing. And I wish there was a way I could send you guys a photo of this. But basically, there is a statue. Oh, this one is actually coming out of Wellesley, Massachusetts. A statue, a sculpture that looks exactly like a man in his tighty-whities. And his underwear was placed outside at Wellesley College in like three feet of snow. They took this super, super lifelike statue. It looks like a guy freezing to death and stuck it in the snow. Jesus. It's actually really cool looking. The guy's covered in snow and he's in his tighty-whities. A white, bald guy. And he's reaching out, both arms reaching out as if he needs a warm hug or someone to say hi. Oh, my God. It's a little creepy looking. I was going to say. Apparently, it's causing a huge, huge uproar. Like, 300 people have signed a petition because they say the sculpture is a source of apprehension, fear, and triggers thoughts of sexual assault. Sexual assault? Sexual assault. If you saw this guy, like, no one would ever want to assault this man. He's got like a top belly. He's hazy white. He's bald. Like, there's no way that anyone, gay or straight, would go after this guy. He probably wants to get sexually assaulted, I would think. I mean, he's, I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like, that sounds like. That's why he's out there in his underwear. Like, why else do you go out in your tighty-whities in the snow? I imagine he's like a big football fan, you know? Because those are the only guys who go shirtless, you know? Right, exactly. So, it's a controversy, though. People, you know, who work at the university are saying they love the idea of art escaping the museum. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what it's supposed to be. Wow. But apparently, it might not last, because people are freaking out. Wow. Really freaking out. Kate, we appreciate you calling in. You have the best. I just, the way that you, I'm always waiting. You could give me the most ridiculous story, and the way you say it, the way you convey it, captures my attention every time. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us, Kate. Have fun in Portland. Thanks, babe. See you soon. Have a good one. Bye. And we've got a couple more callers on the line. Who are we talking to now? Wait. They're coming? They're coming in? All right. Who are we listening to? Is this, is this, what are we doing? What is this? What is this, Mindy? Is this like a... That's like, oh, look, the computer's loading. Let's keep on talking, dude. Oh, so we don't have, so we don't have... Now you do. It takes like 30 seconds. Okay. Who's on the line? Hey. Hey, this is Paul Thorson from Saginaw, Minnesota. Oh, Paul. Paul. Good to hear from you, Paul. You sound like Paul. Real person. Hey, Paul. Hey. You know much, you know a lot about that fishing story, it sounds like, huh? You're funny. Oh, I know nothing about that. No, nothing about that at all. Well, Paul, tell us a little bit about, I mean, why are you calling in? What's happening in your neighborhood? Well, you know, there's not much happening up here in the frozen hinterland, I guess, besides, you know, bait and tackle robberies right now. I don't know if any people are open besides bright fishing. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about something I saw today when I went to the library and got on the internet. I saw that there was a debate at one of my favorite places, actually, the Creation Museum in Kentucky, and that debate, well, I was reminded of it when I called in because I kept hearing this Bill Nye the Science Guy music on the hold line. And it got me a little revved up, if you know what I'm saying. He gave you a boner? I really don't appreciate that kind of commentary. You guys don't say that stuff. You don't say that stuff in the heartland, do you? Who was that? Was that Jake the Snake? No. They would have said, oh, he gave me a little upper there, a little upper. Oh, you know, if I had much others. But, hey, Jake, I got a question for Jake the Snake. You go for it. Jake, do you believe in evolution? I sure do, man, that I forgot your name. It's Paul Thorson. Paul Thorson, I apologize. Yes. Paul had to look down at a script to find it. I forgot his name, apparently. Was there a follow-up to that, or are we on a first date? No, I just wanted to know. Do you think you came from a snake? You know what? You know what? It's a good question. It's a fair question. Yeah, that's entirely possible. I think it was a direct, I mean, my grandfather was part Python. I'm not going to say which part. My, hey, I'm sorry. Paul, let me ask you this. Let me jump in. Let me ask you this. Did you side more, I mean, are you a creationist? Are you a creationist? Do you believe in evolution, or do you believe Genesis? You know, I'm just not against on this whole evolution thing. I look at a guy like Charles Darwin, and I recognize he did great work with finches and other small animals and birds. You see those changes in the little animals all the time, but that's nothing that couldn't have happened over the course of a thousand years. You know what I'm saying? Well, Paul, you know, I have to jump in. We are, what Paul's talking about is that there's a debate that's gotten popular online between Bill Nye and Ken Ham, who are both very... Bill Nye the science guy. Bill Nye the science guy and Ken Ham, both very respected scientists. Ken Ham is a creationist, and Bill Nye believes in, obviously, like a lot of people, evolution. So what disturbed you most? I mean, did Bill Nye convince you of anything, Paul? You know, I just don't... I don't really see it. I mean, you think, you know, if those little birds could change so fast, maybe this all could have happened in 6,000 years. I mean, after all, two years ago, I had my first son, and my wife and I were very surprised that he had evolved, and he came out black. Black as night. You don't sound very black to me, so... You know, that's... I'd say that's assuming a lot, but I guess you're right. Well, are you sure that... And I don't mean this in any other way. I'm just saying that... I'm just saying that in another way, but do you mean... Are you sure that your wife... That it's... Well, are you sure that it's your child? What do you mean? I'm asking if your wife banged a black guy. Well, you know, I haven't seen one for miles. I don't think so. She's been hanging out at those Timberwolves games all night. I hate to tell you. Heaven garnet. Paul, we appreciate you calling in. I mean, you know how popular this segment is, but we really appreciate you calling in. And, you know, again... I'm sorry. I don't know if... I don't know if I... You know, we're going to have to agree to disagree on this issue, but thank you so much for calling in. We do respect your point of view. Yeah, well, I appreciate your open-mindedness. You know, a lot of liberals, I think, have this kind of, you know, theory of relativity thing. Everything's relative, but I think this is an absolute issue that we're all going to find out. You know, we're all going to find out the real answer when the judgment day comes. Yeah, yeah. God bless you guys. And, you know, keep on keeping on. Thanks, Paul. God bless you. Seriously. All right. Have a good night. I hope God does bless you a lot. Mindy, do we have any other callers, or are we good? Because I don't want to hear... I mean, Paul really threw me for a loop there. We do? We don't. Okay. We've got a couple more minutes left before we go to break. Jake the Snake, do you have a What's Happening in Your Neighborhood story? I do. I do. And it's very quick. It's basically just the headline, because I know you're going to love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This comes to us from the great state of North Carolina, where former television star and Justin Cross lookalike Clay Aiken is running for Congress. Really? Wow. He's running for Congress. Yes. He's seeking the Democratic nomination to challenge Republican Representative Renee Elmers in North Carolina's 2nd Congressional District. And I wanted to just throw out one little quote from Renee Elmers. In an interview in North Carolina, she said, He's currently, his performing career is not going so well, and he's very bored. That was his opposition. In fairness, though, Clay Aiken decides to run for Congress. Lance Bass tried to go to the moon, so, when his entertainment career wasn't going well. So, I mean, you know, it's like, all right, well, at least they're challenging themselves, you know? Yeah. Yeah. There are a lot of people who could sit back, get a heroin addiction. There are other options there. I want to bring in Eric Feldstein, new Sarcastic News Live producer, writer, face of the show, really. Eric Feldstein, you've got what's happening in your neighborhood story, don't you? I hope so. You don't? You know what you do have. I do, actually. I do. Thank you for reminding me. There was a doctor in Alabama, a brain surgeon, might I add, who was called in for emergency brain surgery in the middle of a blizzard. And he only could make it about two miles before his car broke down. And he had to walk the next six miles in the snow to perform the surgery. And he did. And the patient lived. Wow. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So is this... That's inspiring. What did he get out of it? Just like a... Hopefully a new car. He's a brain surgeon. He's going to get a car that doesn't break down. Yeah, seriously. Well, I mean, what did he get out of it? Like, you know, maybe a freaking, like, like a shout-out on CNN.com next to, like, a Justin Bieber Toronto headline or something, like... I think the patient actually gave him a pat on the back and two thumbs up. Two thumbs up. But when he came to, I mean, it took, like, a couple weeks. He's like Roger Ebert or something, you know? Like, two thumbs up for that. Guys, we'll be coming back. I know we've got some big sponsors coming up, so I want to bring those up. But before... Before we do that, we're going to go to break. We appreciate all your calls. You know, who was it? Paul. Paul in Minnesota. Paul Goldsender. I don't know. Yeah, Paul calling in. We've got Kate Quigley calling in from Portland. I mean, this is... This show is national. It's going international from what I hear. So we've got that. Now, we... Let's see what else. We've got coming up Steve Hofstetter will be right with us in just a few minutes. Comedian Steve Hofstetter. So if you guys please stay with us, we'll be right back here on Sarcastic News Live. Sarcastic News Live. Give me a shot of prolificin'. You are calming me down. I like you a lot. I like you well. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. I tell new Ronnie. You've discharged me from the hospital I'm so glad to be free After staying in the hospital five days I was discharged from the unit Suddenly, I am a free man Ete Nourani Ete Nourani Ete Nourani Ete Nourani Rock over London, rock on Chicago The heartbeat of America, yesterday's Chevrolet And we're back here on Sarcastic News Live. My name is Justin Cross. I'm with Jake the Snake Craney and Eric Feldstein here. Kate Quigley joined us from the Sarcastic News Crack School. We have a couple sponsors on the show. I want to bring up Eric. You've been working hard. One of the first tasks since you joined here is to drum up some fake sponsors. I'm sorry, real sponsors. I was going to say, I contacted these real sponsors. Who's the first one you got? The first one I have is brought to you by Burger World. Burger World wants to make a deal. Burger World wants to make a deal. to remind all of you followers and listeners out there that kids over 100 pounds always eat free at Burger World. And they wanted to remind you, Burger World, did somebody say diabetes? That's Burger World, everybody. A big, big fake sponsor. Jake, I know you have another one as well. I do. This one's actually a real sponsor for the show, as is Burger World. I don't know where you're getting this fake business from, but this one's really exciting. It's huge. It's a huge one. It was the last segment that this person's sponsoring. That was brought to you by Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning. I may not have won the Super Bowl, but at least I still get a free Buick Verano, DirecTV, and delicious Papa John's pizza. Not sure what that has to do with our show, but thank you for the sponsorship, Peyton Manning. Well, that's great. I'm glad we've got Peyton Manning, Burger World. It's huge. It's huge. I think it's time. We've got a guest tonight. He's a comedian. This man has written for Sports Illustrated, College Humor, and Maxim. He's a producer, a stand-up comedian who has over 14 million hits on YouTube. He's a host of his own podcast called High Confidence, Low Self-Esteem. I also think he's a real estate agent. This man's done everything, all right? I'm talking about Steve Hofstetter. Steve, are you there? I am. I am not a real estate agent, but I actually was asked to be one for a TV show. Really? It's going to happen. Yeah. You never know. Hollywood types want. Did you end up playing the part? No. No, I did not. We're still talking. I don't mean like playing a part. I mean like becoming one. Oh, really? Yeah. What's like the, I mean, one of the questions I wanted to ask you, because I know that you've had, you've done a ton of things in comedy and media from humor columns to stand-up. You've got your own podcast. You've done tons of stuff. What is, which one do you actually get the most hate mail for? Sports writing. Really? You know, above and beyond. Yeah. Oh, I can, I can make all the abortion jokes I want and not, you know, not hear a thing. And the second I say if Kansas City Royals aren't going to win a World Series this year, I get death threats. It is amazing. I feel like that's a pretty safe statement, like every year. I get the sense. Wouldn't you think? I wrote a, I wrote a column for SI about how, and it was a couple of years before, before the Rays made the series, when they were still parable. And, you know, and I talk about how they weren't ready yet. And, you know, and people who are getting all excited, you know, need to back off and they're not ready yet. I got this terrible vitriolic email of just like, how dare you? And you should apologize because they're going to win everything and blah, blah, blah. And so then I waited till the end of the season when they finished third. And I wrote back to him and I said, I'm sorry, would you like me to apologize? Or maybe you could think of doing that. I think it's even more surprising that the Rays have fans. Yes. I wasn't aware that they had any support. Have you been to Tampa? There's not much else to do. That's very true. A lot of strip clubs, a lot of strip clubs in Tampa. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So you figure, you know, in the morning you got to do something. Now, Steve, I wanted to ask you a little bit about, you know, I know you're a big sports fan. Obviously you write for SI as well. People have been talking all about this, you know, this past week. After the big loss in the Super Bowl, is Peyton Manning still in the conversation for greatest celebrity endorser of all time? I'm sorry, wait, did something happen this past week? No, I think that, well, he's certainly in the conversation for greatest endorser of all time. I still think, you know, he's still one of the best quarterbacks of all time, despite the fact that I would have only lost that game by eight points less than he did. Or, well, I shouldn't say that. They'd probably have scored more off of me. But it's just, it's silly that we think that that's the mark of what makes someone a good player. To win that one game. And there's a lot of other things that you could do. Now that said, his little brother has won two more than him, which probably hurts. But it doesn't hurt as much. Are you guys familiar with the story of Cooper Manning? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he had a real neck injury. The third brother, who's the insurance agent. So he's won as many Super Bowls as Peyton, actually, now that I think about it. But, you know, I think the people who are getting on him about, like, yeah, that was a, that was a terrible game. But it was one game. Well, do you think that, and people are starting to say that Seattle is, because they're young, they're hungry and everything else, that they could be a dynasty. Do you think that they're going to be a dynasty? I don't think that there's such a thing with the parity that's in the NFL now. You know, I don't think the salary cap rules let someone be a dynasty. I think that, you know, even look at the Patriots. Yeah, they've been great. And they've been in the conversation. Every year. But have they won? You know, I mean, the Giants won twice in five years. And they're not considered a dynasty. So, you know, to really have a dynasty, you've got to look at something, you know, you've got to look at the Steelers of the 70s, you know, something like that. I just don't think that's going to exist in football anymore. So you're saying that there's hope for my Jacksonville Jaguars? Oh, no, I would never say anything like that. I'm not drunk. Oh, come on. I mean, we've got Gus Bradley. He used to be the defensive coordinator from the Seahawks. It takes time to... Do you think that we have hope? I mean, we've got a third-round draft pick. Any time a team would be better off with Tim Tebow as their starting quarterback, that's a really good thought. He did a good job on those commercials, though, this past. I mean, was it T-Mobile? It was pretty good. Yeah, I mean, I think that, you know, good for him for being willing to, you know, make fun of himself. But all premise of those commercials are like, oh, you know, not having a contract is a good thing. I'm like, no. Tim Tebow is actually the exact definition of why not having a contract is a terrible thing. Now, I want to transition a little bit to politics. I want to talk a little bit about the State of the Union from last week. Now, President Obama kept mentioning that he's going to use executive order to pass different laws if Congress won't work with him. Now, do you think that he's at that point where he's sort of given up or lost a basic trust of Congress to do the right thing? Or is he simply at that, like, who-gives-a-shit point that happens with presidents, you know? Well, I think that, you know, he doesn't have much trust in Congress because he's an American with eyes and ears. And none of us have much trust in Congress. I think that he squandered an opportunity in trying to be, quote-unquote, politically savvy, you know, the first couple years of his presidency when they had the supermajority. I mean, I do not understand why they didn't just pass everything right then. And, well, I guess I do understand because they were trying to, you know, save political capital. But it really would have, you know, fired a shot. I think that's the way it's going to be. I think that's the way it's going to be. I am progressive, but I am very disappointed with the Democrats and just how wishy-washy and weeney they've become. And so maybe this is a step of him just saying, you know, no more. Do you think that that was, that was, he just kind of misread the room, basically? Or was that just kind of a naivety on his part about how politics works in Washington? Well, you know, he's a centrist. You know, he always has been. He always has been. in someone who's like, oh, well, you know, let's reach across the aisle and have a conversation. And, you know, if you, I was about to say, if you listen to his book, because that's how I read books on road trips. So if you listen to his book, you know, he talks about how, you know, he has a respect for the other side and he doesn't say anything negative about Bush whatsoever. And, you know, when I heard that, I was like, good for him. Way to go, man. And then I realized, oh, but that also means you're not going to be willing to push hard. And so that, you know, it's just, I think he's trying to be too fair. And after a while, you have to understand that not everyone's always right when they say like, oh, well, you have to hear what the other side thinks. What if the other side is an idiot? You know, like, why do you have to, oh, equal time to all viewpoints. Some viewpoints are stupid. We don't need to put all viewpoints on the air all the time. Now, do you think in, in 2016, because obviously his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, back in, in 08 was, was Hillary, at least in the Democratic Party. Do you think, is anybody going to compete on, on Democrats or Republicans? Is anybody going to compete with Hillary? Or is, is she going to just, I mean, is there going to be a Bush, like even Billy, like who, anybody going to compete against Hillary in, in 2016? Well, the Republicans certainly don't have a right now because I mean, Christie's national power just got taken away. So, you know, I think Christie was the one who was the one who was the one who was the one who was the one who was the He was the one that the left would be most scared of, and now he's gone from a punchline to a bigger punchline. That's not a weight joke at all. I think that, and they talk about Rubio, but he's got his problems also. I don't know if anyone on the right side could beat a Hillary if the Democrats get behind her, because the thing that almost cost them 2008 was the infighting. So if from the beginning they said, here's Obama, he's our guy, this is all the way, I think that 2008 would have been even more of a landslide. So I think for them it's really a question of whether or not they decide early. Right, right. Well first of all, thanks for joining us, and I want to just say, Steve Hofstadter, you've been a comedian for, I don't know, since you were 18 years old, right? You've been doing standup, is that correct? Well, no. I started doing improv when I was 13. I started doing standup when I was 22. Okay. So it's been, yeah, it's been 21 years if you count everything, or 12 if you just count standup. And have you, what is the most, I'm just curious, what's the most challenging thing you've done in the world of comedy? Traveled, I think. Shown without killing anybody. Shittiest city to do standup in? It's hard to, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard to, I don't want to say that about Jacksonville, but I, you know, the worst city to do standup in, I mean, it's really hard to say because there are good and smart people everywhere. And there are, you know, there are evil and dumb people everywhere. I think there are certain concentrations in certain places. But, you know, I don't think there's one particular place that I've been like, man, fuck this place. Because for a while it was Indianapolis. And then I ended up buying a comedy club there. And I was like, man, fuck this place. And then I ended up buying a comedy club there. And I was like, man, fuck this place. And I was like, man, fuck this place. And I think the problem was the clubs in Indy were, you know, had developed this redneck, just disgusting, disgusting, ignorant audience. And the smart people, which the city is full of, were just being underserved. So they weren't coming out. So it's not a question of the city. It's a question of the entertainment. And, you know, I've enjoyed, I've had good shows and bad shows in almost every city I've played in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.! It is, it is, it is one of those, is it dependent on the night frame? Have you ever held back, have you ever held back any of your comedy because of the city you're playing in, or the room that you're playing in, at all? No, I think that would be terribly prejudiced of me, you know, I think that, and not only that, it would be a disservice to the people who did come to see me, you know, at any given show, there is someone there who wants your set, there was, there was a show I did in Daleville, Alabama, and 10 people in that room thought I was the greatest comedian they'd they'd ever seen. The room was a lot bigger than 10 people. The other people disagreed vehemently. But I still did that show for those 10 people because you know what? They're going to come to every show I do from here on out. And the other people aren't going to like me no matter what. Right, right. Steve, thank you so much for joining us. Now, I know that you've got Dark Side of the Room out there. You can buy that or download that, I guess, on iTunes. And also your podcast, High Confidence, Low Self-Esteem as well. SteveHofstetter.com. But anything else where people can catch you or any shows that you have coming up? Well, I actually have another podcast that I do also with my wife called Sarah and Steve Hate People. And each week is a different group of people that we hate. It's a lot of fun. It's good audience building. There's never a bad crowd that he doesn't stand up in, but he will purposely pick out a group of people he hates. Oh, there's plenty of bad crowds. Don't get me wrong. I just don't know ahead of time. Oh, the world is full of terrible people. I would venture to say most of them. But the other thing I'm doing, February 15th, I'm taping my first hour special at the Chinese Theater in L.A. Awesome. And so that's really exciting. And that will be out hopefully in about six months. Nice. February 15th? February 15th, I'm taping it, yeah. February 15th at the Chinese Theater. So if you're in L.A., I'll actually, if I'm in town, I will try to make it out myself. And Steve, thank you. Go to the late taping because then you get to go to the after party. Oh, nice. Okay, all right. And what's going to be at the, I mean, are there going to be hookers and coke? Like what's the after party going to be like? I did say after party. Oh, yeah. Steve Hofstadter, thank you so much for joining us. Check him out. High confidence, low self-esteem. And also, is it Steve and Sarah hate people, right? That's the new stuff. Sarah and Steve hate people. So you just go to iTunes and just put my name in there, and then just buy everything and download everything. This guy, he does it all. He does it all. He's a real estate agent. At least he got asked to play one. Yeah. Steve, thanks so much for joining us tonight. All right, take care, guys. Thanks a lot. Steve Hofstadter, everybody. We are going to be, we've got just about 12 minutes left on tonight's show, and we've got a fun game to close it out with Jake the Snake, the Snake Game. So stay with us. If you want to call in and be a part of the game, do it. 800-893-9562. You're listening to Sarcastic News Live. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. It was back in 32 when times were hard He had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards He wore a racked-on shoes and an old Stetson hat Had a .28-40, had payments on that Steadily Has walked through a mountain, the ice and the snow And she told him never ever come back no more Steadily So he walked through the rain and he walked through the mud Till he came to a place called the Bucket of Blood Steadily He said, Mr. Motherfucker, you know who I am We're gonna come back at 10.15 I mean, we're gonna do our segment Until about five and a half minutes, six minutes Go to another quick break and then we'll finish it out He said, well, bartender, it's a plain to see I'm the band motherfucker called Steadily Yeah, one more theme song Mr. Steadily That theme song's gonna be for this segment He said, yeah, I heard your name down the way And I kick motherfucking asses like you every day Mr. Steadily Well, I'd throw for the last words at the bar Keep safe, cause Steadil's got four holes in his motherfucking head Just then in came a broad called Nellie Brown Known to make more money than any We're back here on Sarcastic News Live. That, by the way, Who was that? I don't know, but that was a very festive song That was Nick Cave in the bad seat Family, family program here Nick Cave in the bad seat They're very well known, actually I just didn't know that was them Are they? They're pretty popular? That's one of my favorites You should look up the video There's a lot of naughty language in there Nice A lot of naughty language Oh, you guys are naughty Not at all I don't know what you're talking about You're at Skid Row Studios Half the shows on here are porn We're like the cleanest show You're naughty by walking in the building I know That's true You could be Saran Rap All over the place All over this table right now And over my mouth It's different This is a very popular segment You got the music here? This is the snake game Here we go Here's the theme music That's intrepid, by the way Intrepid Hasselhoff's boobs bouncing Snake game, here we go Absolutely Well, you guys know the deal Quotes from the week in news Let's get to it Who are you playing for tonight? As always I am playing for the Boys and Girls Club I'm playing for the Boys and Girls Club Of Zimbabwe Ooh I'm changing up Good kids, good kids Quality, quality kids Boys and Girls Club of Zimbabwe Eric, what charity will you be playing for tonight? I'm actually going to be playing for the National Youth Hemorrhoid Association Oof Yeah Those, those They need it I hope you win I hope you win All of a sudden that song seems very clean God Alright, well let's get rolling here We got four quotes Me versus the pedophile, right? Yeah Yeah! Yes, it's mano a mano here Quote number one Go ahead Obviously it's taken a lot of hard work It's an honor Was this A New Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella on his new title Or B Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim on their undefeated season I'm going to go Microsoft I'm going to have to go Jim Boeheim That was Syracuse basketball coach Jim Boeheim Yes Those hemorrhoid people are sitting pretty right now Yes You say people you mean little people because you're playing for the youth Oh the youth Those poor kids Okay, quote number two I'm just fortunate to be a part of this Just a great moment Jim Boeheim They're all Jim Boeheim Was that A Seahawks MVP Malcolm Smith on winning the 48th Super Bowl Or B Molly Shuler on winning the 22nd Wing Bowl chicken wing eating contest You go Eric, you have the honors It's like golf Mmm I gotta go with that one I'm gonna go with the Wing Bowl lady champ I gotta go Wing Bowl too Wing Bowl eating champion Molly Shuler is incorrect Oh Fuckin' A Incorrect That was Super Bowl MVP Malcolm Smith That one was elaborate Yes Yes Alright Keeping it rolling We got a 1-0 lead for the hemorrhoid king over here Question number three The youth hemorrhoid king This will be a disgrace for the whole country Was that A Justin Cross's father The presidency of George Washington George Bush W Sorry Was that You ruined my joke there I had a joke for you Was that A Commentary from a Canadian on Justin Bieber's recent DUI and scandalous stripper photo Or B Commentary from a Russian on the stray dogs running loose during the Olympic opening ceremonies Mmm Wow Poor dogs What are you gonna go Eric? You got the shot I gotta go with that one I gotta do it for the stray dogs I'm gonna go Bieber You're gonna go Bieber? I didn't know they even had an opening ceremony yet Go ahead Well That was commentary from a Russian on the stray dogs Yes Wait they've already had the opening ceremonies? No No this The stray dogs were running loose at the rehearsal Mm-hmm So they were saying You didn't clarify that They plan to kill them all don't they? This will be a disgrace That was the quote Wow Yeah so I'm You're using tense against me now I am I am But hey Oh hemorrhoid boy you're on top Justin Justin I got good news The last question's worth three to make this interesting Oh son of a bitch You can still win this for Zimbabwe Like my gym teacher back in elementary school Yeah Exactly So final question Wait for the hemorrhoid thing or No go ahead Final question still rooting for Eric on the record Uh Quote number four We all know but for God's sake at least try to humor the children Was this A Hemorrhoid boy Sorry A The guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers regarding their unplugged instruments during the Super Bowl Or B Groundhog Club President Bill Dealey on claims that groundhog Punxsutawney Phil has no real weather predicting ability Wow This is tough This is tough God This is tough This is why we we we named it then renamed it the Snake Game Yep Because this is unique just to you Snake Yep Eric take it Ah I gotta go with the peppers That's good cause I was gonna go Punxsutawney Phil Punxsutawney Phil Alright well the winner of the Snake Game for tonight Mr. Eric Feldstein and the Hemorrhoid Boy Thank you Brought to you by Pepperhead Schneach That was the Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist as they were miming their instruments on the Super Bowl He'll be miming something else for those children I'm just glad they get the relief that they deserve Yes yes it's all about the kids Alright we're gonna go to a very quick break then we're gonna be right back close out at the Super Bowl We'll be right back And don't you Relax We're back here on Sarcastic News Live. My name is Justin Cross. I'm with Jake the Snake Cranny. And new producer, new Sarcastic News crack squad member, Eric Feldstein, who is the champion of the Snake game this week. Thank you. He's going to be donating all Takate lights to the hemorrhoid youth of America. He technically beat you 5-0. That is a real ass-whooping, no pun intended for those hemorrhoid boys. Well, I want to just take just a couple minutes here to acknowledge Eric. He's a new member. And I think, I'm going to actually, I'm going to try to pull up my voicemail. Oh, please do. I promised everybody at the top of the show we're going to play the voicemail from Eric. This is a voicemail that he left me last week. And let's see here. If you can get that crying baby sound effect, that would just make my night on top of this. I don't know how this goes. I don't know how the sound's going to be, but we're going to try it. Is it on speaker? See, here we go here. Is it nothing? Wait, really? That's quite a tease right there. Yeah, I don't have anything. Oh, hold on. Oh, no, you know. Yeah, exactly. I need to get that on. Oh, wow. I don't really, I don't know how to work this thing. Justin's operating a 1998 flip phone for those at home. Nokia. Jake, I'm going to let you try to figure this out. It's an iPhone. In the meantime, while Jake figures that out, I want to thank Steve Hofstetter, our guest, for joining us tonight. I also want to send people to our Twitter page. It's at SNLive1. And also, check out our new website, SarcasticNewsLive.com. We're starting to get new articles up on that. So, Jake, do you have Eric's voicemail from last week when he was going to make the show, but he couldn't because of this? Hey, Justin. It's Eric. Listen, I'm not going to make it tonight. I sent you an email. I hate to play so early in the game, but I wasn't feeling too good today. I thought I could power through it, but in all honesty, I've been pissing out of my butt for the past two hours. So, I want to come down now and see you guys, but I can't do it tonight. That's good. That's good. And that's when we knew. Don't delete. I'm not deleting that. Trust me. That's one more. True story. Jake, can you go back one more time? Actually, I can. I wasn't feeling too good today. I thought I could power through it, but in all honesty, I've been pissing out of my butt. That's Eric Feldstein right there. I'm calling him back on that one. Was it bloody butt piss? Well, luckily, there were no current hemorrhoids, so there was no blood. Oh, good. There was no blood. That's important. Count my blessings. We know what we're going to get with Eric here. A lot of hemorrhoids, a lot of ass pissing. Guys, thanks so much for joining us. You've been listening to Sarcastic News Live. Thanks to Mindy in the back and Skid Row Studios, as always. Check us out on sarcasticnewslive.com and also at SNLive on Twitter. SNLive1, I think, on Twitter. We're up to 7,500 followers now, so follow us and check out. We will have Steve. If you missed it, we've got Steve's interview coming up and tomorrow we'll have it posted or certainly by the weekend, so check that out, guys. Thanks so much for listening to Sarcastic News Live. My name's Justin Cross for Jake the Snake Cranny and Eric Feldstein. Have a great night. We'll see you next Wednesday. See you next Wednesday. I've been here for 28 years Padded sweat beneath these wheels Tattooed lines beneath our skin No surrender, my Bobby G