Monday at 8 to 9 p.m. Pacific time. Videos.com. That means it is time for a new episode of Bad Advice. I don't hear you. Can everybody hear me all right? Oh, now I can. Ah, welcome. It's a new episode of Bad Advice. Here we are at Skid Row Studios. We can take your calls if you want to join us today on the show. The number here, 800-893-9562. Wow, you did that by memory. That and look over your head there. It is huge letters. Those are numbers. My memory is not that good. I thought you were looking up thinking, but it wasn't. No, no. Finding inspiration from above? Yeah. Yeah. No, not the case. Not the case. But here we are. It's a... No. New episode. I want to thank everybody for being here. We have my guest. We have Sal Rodriguez. You know, I started off this morning just fine, and Vic already starts making anti-Mexican commentary. That's absolutely not true. In the studio. That's not true. In anything I did say, I first started with... He did anti-Mexican questions. No, that's not true. That's different. Jews aren't even a minority group anymore. Let's just face it, okay? Depends what town. What town are you in? You can't do it. Not in L.A. Not in L.A. I would think he'd be really happy with Rubio and his big speech with the Republican convention. I'm holding a beer, and I'm carrying a knife. That's right, Sal. You should have been a happy Mexican today. I thought you'd be coming in here chipper. I didn't watch the RNC. Of course not. Different show, guys. Oh, shit. Different show. What did he say? He said you were mowing the lawn. Wow. Oh! We are sorry. No offense. You should know that Sal is too lazy to mow the lawn. It's funny because it's true. No offense. Listen, I love you. And not the way two guys should love each other who are straight. There you go. That's attractive. Yes. That's nice. Well, let's say we're to run swallow. Hi. How's it going, everybody? Oh, it's good to have you, Ron. Also, everybody, tune in on Mondays, although we're not sure about this Monday. Yeah, this Monday may be canceled. We're not sure yet. The Angry Dork Podcast. Yeah, Angry Dork Podcast. The third Angry Dork. It's like UFC where you're giving it numbers. I am. Well, also, that's the only way I'll keep track of it is if I just continue to keep track of it. And I can say sitting next to Ron, he is a dork. He is the right man for the job. I am. I've got a Millennium Falcon shirt on and Flash underwear and Batman shoes on. It's a very funny show, and I urge everyone to listen. We also have today Mr. Vic Cohen. Yes, hi. Boo. Hold on. I just, no offense. Saul, are you okay? What's that? Did I really hurt your feelings? Because I was totally kidding. I love Mexicans. I got a Mexican accountant. I got a Mexican. Oh, yeah. You're a Jew and you have a Mexican accountant? You're a lousy Jew. He doesn't want him to cook the books. He wants him to refry the books. In fact, you might be a self-hating Jew. You don't even hire your own people to take care of your finances. I'm just saying I love the Mexicans. He has a Jew mowing his lawn, though, so that balances it out. It balances out. I just came from my Mexican therapist today. What's his name? Juan Lopez. His last name is Alvarez. I think that's pretty Mexican. Yeah. It's Mexicany. That's what makes you Mexican. If Vic feels it sounds Mexican, that's what it is. It's Mexicanesque. All right. Well, listen, we're going to move on. Mr. Kenneth August is here. Yes. I would applaud that. Host of the weekly wrap-up every Sunday from 4 to 5, also here on Skid Row. Happy to be here, buddy. Thanks for taking tomorrow off, selfish douche. I mean that in a good way. No offense. No offense. No, no, no. Did that come out mean? I didn't mean that as a mean thing. What is wrong with the people I have on this show today? Actually, it's wrong. It's off at everybody's. It's an antagonistic day. There's a lot of anger in the room. There is. You know what? No, I'll tell you what. It's a damn subway ride. That subway makes you feel dangerous. Then you come in there ready to start some shit. We took the subway to the studio today, which I actually really like. I enjoy it. I think it's a great ride. It's fun. You see some interesting people. Sal, who is arguably the biggest person in the world, is the biggest person on our panel. Would you agree? Physically? Does martial arts? He's like, I got a switchblade. Sal's armed. That's nice. Sal is armed. I'm like, seriously? You know martial arts? I have an extensive background. I'm sorry. Does watching it count as an extensive background? I've watched so much martial arts. That's nice. I have a little bit of a background too, but nobody would know that until I tell you. Well, if you would stop texting Ron and tell us then. Actually, I'm just putting it on the Facebook page to listen live right now. So there. That's fantastic. He's doing important things. It's supposed to be you guys which are just viewing hate. I need to get him with the swallowers. Is this even allowed in the studios, a switchblade? It seems like it's not good security. This is the only security in here. Besides maybe Ron and his bouncer background. I have the rules in this place. All right. Well, guys, we're going to get started with the show here. Let's do this. Look, now our sound technician's leaving the room. Oh, shit. I'm getting kicked out. I'm getting kicked out of here. He's coming in. What's up, Nick? What's up? He didn't know you were Mexican. Sorry, you have to leave. I'm here bongs only. He said bongs only. Don't come in here or Sal's going to shank you. All right. We're going to get started. We do stories here on Bad Advice if you're a new listener as well as listener to questions. If you have one of those questions, let me give you the number one more time. 800-893-9562. You can also like us on Facebook and submit your questions there. But we're going to get started. This first one's a quick short story. It's from Ann Arbor, Michigan. Apparently, police in Southeast Michigan say, a man called to complain that a woman he had agreed to pay for sex unexpectedly increased the price. It says the police were called to an Ann Arbor home on Wednesday on the report of a robbery. Police say the 45-year-old man and a 19-year-old Ohio woman that he contacted online had agreed on a price, but the man claimed she upped the cost after taking his money. Well, first of all, I'm going to tell you the mistake he made. The first thing he made was not getting the deal written in a contract. Yeah, a receipt. Can you not get a Groupon for that thing? Is that not what they call it? You should know that that happens every time. Yeah, that's part of the course. That's normal. That's normal, especially if you do it through there. Like if you go on the street and you pick up a hooker for 50 bucks, that's 50 bucks. But if you order one online, and the way I know this is not because of hookers, but because of strippers. I went to a bachelor party in Vegas and the best man found a card that said, two girls come to your room for $250, and there's 10 of us. So 10 dudes go to a strip club, you know you're spending more than $250. So we're like, fuck yeah, let's do this. And the advice is to not do this because it does not work how you think it works. They show up and they're like, we get paid extra for tips, which really basically means is we're not going to do anything unless you pay us $1,200 more. But is it anything or anything out of the ordinary? Well, and that's what it is is they were hookers, but we didn't realize they were hookers because we had never had that experience. And that's what happens every single day. They call that the bait and snatch, I believe they call it. I happen to have a friend who hired someone like that, this close friend of mine. As a stripper or for sex? No, by the way, you can't see it. He said friends in quotes. So I think he means himself. No, no, not me, a very close friend. And this was years ago. Who looks a lot like me. No, no. This was years ago. And the girl came in, this is what my friend told me, and it was like 300 bucks. And she was there for maybe 10 minutes and then he wanted a little more and she goes, oh no, that just, that just gets me here. Yeah, that's exactly what they do. They're like a plumber. It's like a plumber. Yeah. Yeah, so. No, I've never had a plumber going, I'm here, but if I'm going to blow you, that's an extra $40. No, no, no, no. You pay a plumber to just show up and then the job is on top of that. Yeah, if you would like me to actually plumb, it's going to cost $100. But that's actually like, but that's what you know is going to happen. That's like, like you go to the mechanic and if you ask for, can you give me an estimate, they're going to do that and it's going to be 60 bucks to get the estimate and then 500 or whatever the fuck it is for actually fixing the car. At least the plumber gives you a little ass crack before you pay. So basically, this girl is basically a mechanic hooker. And she's actually doing the right thing. She's doing the right, that's protocol. But they said they agreed on a price. What's her name? Vic wants to talk to her. I don't, yeah, no, we don't know her name. It doesn't give it. My advice is get hookers on the fucking street. Groupons, baby, groupons. No, that's dangerous because that's safe. They used to be able to take your car if you pick a hooker up and get, get arrested. Who's they? Who's looking for your car when you get in a bloodbath? The cops, the cops is what he's saying. The people that know his friend. No, no, no. No, he's saying if the cops catch you getting blown by a hooker, they can impound your car. Impound your car, yeah. I think my advice would be to me and it would be get the name of the plumber that Sal uses because that guy apparently has a plumbing job with a happy finish, which is nice. I like that none of us here have any problem with what he did. It's just how he did it. Yeah, I don't care if a dude wants to get a hooker. Yeah. Well, your problem is not what the guy- I approve of that wholeheartedly. It's not, the problem is not getting the hooker. It's that she changed the deal. Although if this guy would learn social skills, he could just fuck girls. Well, there's that. There is that. Like you could just have sex with him because they'll do that. I know it sounds crazy. Well, it didn't have a picture of him so we're sort of, you know, assuming. My advice to this guy would be if he's listening and I'm sure he is, no more hookers. It's horrible. My advice is get a receipt. There you go. Yep. PayPal. Get it in writing, baby. Contract. Yeah. I like your advice. All right, let's do it. Okay, next story. This one comes from our friends up north. This is from Canada. I actually like this one. The owners of Leopard's Lounge in Windsor, Ontario, which is a strip club, says changes in immigration laws have stripped the club of many of its dancers. The way they're changing this is they are now offering strippers money for college if they strip. Nice. I mean, that's great, but there's a catch. It's like the Army Reserves, but you've got to wear a full-on shirt. It's long. Yes. There's a catch because they do full nude up there. The catch is all stripping students must maintain a B-plus average. That's B-cup. Is that the B-cup? Yes. No, it's exactly. Vic Cohen. That's really interesting, actually. I fully approve of this. I'd like to be a tutor. Look, if you make the strippers smart, I now, I can, I lose the illusion that I even have a chance with them. That's a good point. As soon as they're smart, I'm like, well, there goes my opportunity. So what's your great point? I have a 3.8. Fuck. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Give me a chick who's like, you know what? I got nothing going that you look good. Yeah, but Ron, you're like the intelligent nerd. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't you be that much more turned on if you knew this chick was an engineering student? It would be amazing. Yeah. If I actually, and you could actually believe it because you knew that that was part of the rules. Exactly. Because they say shit like that all the time. You know that they're posting this stuff like on the walls and it even says right here in the story, it says some customers want to know more about the dancer and they might even tip more if they know she's trying to, that she's in college and trying to better herself. I think it depends on what subject she's studying. And actually, you know what? This is, I mean, honestly, like this is a genius plan because you know, most strippers, they get up to a certain age and then their lives are ruined because they can't do anything else. That's a great, this is a win-win. I might actually want to go to a strip club then because right now, all I do is I see all these girls who are, I mean, because I'm a nice guy and it sucks. And you feel bad for them. I feel bad for them because I know they're fucked up. But if I knew that some stuff might actually come together, for them, I might actually be willing to do that. You would pay a couple extra bucks per lap dance too. I might. I said, what's the university? Like Ball State or Beaver University. I don't know. Oh, did Vince show up? Vince just showed up because we love Vince Royale. He's just never on time. I agree. It is a turn on. Thanks for showing up, Vince. All right, Vince. Phone on vibrate, buddy. Oh, I was going to start the pool as to when his phone was going to ring on the air. I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with this hairstyle. Vince was hung, outside, hanging outside the car on the way here. He looks scared. Like his hair is straight on in. He looks like the heat miser. You made it. Did you survive the subway, Vince? Yeah, I did, actually. You took the subway here? I did. You have a knife with you? Was your head out the window? You're the reason Sal brought the knife, actually, I believe. Was your head out the window the whole time? Vince, you just missed it. I'll catch up real quick. This is how I wake up. This is how I normally do it. All right, well, listen. We're going to just catch up real quick in Canada, Vince. And we'll get into this in a minute because this one will hit Vince right at home. There's a strip club in Canada, Vince, that is offering a program where they will pay the dancers their college tuition if they'll strip at the club. But they have to maintain a B-plus average. I love this. It says, they have girls, the girls can take any class they want to help better themselves. We have girls studying business, finance, even to become nursing assistants, and one is taking chiropractor. How much does it cost to get into the variety, by the way? That's bad. Chiropractory, which is not actually a goddamn word. Did they put that in the article? It's in the article. One of the girls really are paid for a lap dance and my back adjusted. Yeah. Well, that's, dude, they got to be doing a hell of a dance if they're on your lap and working on your back. Nice. What's the likelihood that those professors are getting blown for grades? I mean, that's, I see. So you're assuming a stripper's a hooker and I'm saying, yeah, these people are athletes. He's assuming a woman is a hooker. Now, wait, hang on, folks. These women are athletes. They want to have pole dancing in the Olympics and these are women, these are athletes. Some of them are. Like, I mean, some of them obviously are just slapping their vaginas in front of people's I was in a strip club with Vince last night. I was at a strip club with Vince last night. We had lots of fun. Yes, but there was this girl there. I mean, when you talk about athletes, you know, when you watch, you know, the, God, the gymnastics, like where they're doing the iron cross on the rings. There was this chick who was just like climbing the pole. Remember that rope you had to climb in gym class? I got like halfway up at best. This chick just pulled her up on her arms just right on the pole. And then dropping themselves down and stopping themselves just before. And just like right parallel to the ground. I mean, she was, it was straight up. The really, the really, really good ones could straight up be in some of the Cirque de Salatials without a doubt. Those are the ones I like. I hate six packs. I like a real woman. I saw once a pregnant stripper. I like that. That is disgusting. I don't want to hear about more of you. I like the weird freakish pregnancy fetishes. Sorry. No, it's not a fetish. I just thought it was beautiful. The little baby reached out and gripped the bar. Yeah, that's why she was able to hold the pole. She had three hands. She got a lot of, she got a lot of two. Slide a dollar in and then slide a smaller dollar in. I know. You know what? You just hold, there's no, there's no actual contact. So you hold the dollar out and a hand comes out and takes it. For a dollar extra, she let you feel the baby. It's like that strip club scene that was cut out of the movie Aliens. It was nice. I loved it. I loved it. I'd like to rub your stomach for $20. All right. That's what I want to do. Go to a strip club and see Dr. Champagne, right? I don't know. That's the strip club name. What does that even mean? Dr. Sapphire? Coming to the stage. She's got her PhD. Dr. Sapphire. I wanted the intelligent stripper. Get those dollar dollar bills. I would love the intelligent stripper. That would totally work for me. I would think that would be super hot. I would love that. I don't need it. It makes you, you want to go there just to support their career. Yes. That's a great idea. So, you know, my advice is... It takes a lot of the guilt out of it. We may not learn a lot of things from Canada, but this is one we should totally take to heart. Forget universal healthcare, stripper college tuition. That's what we should take from Canada. I don't know. I think the person I'm trying to objectify looking at me going, God, you're stupid doesn't really help me at all. She gives you the riding crop while she says it. You are going to be fine. You give anyone a riding crop, however, no matter how smart she is, I'm in. All right. Well, we're going to go to the next story. We're going to move on. This one is, this one is for Ron Swallow. Oh, sweet. I like, because I like picking things that are relevant to the people on the show. You personalized the story. Yes. A California man accused of shooting his 50-year-old son because he didn't like his country karaoke singing. Is that fantastic or what? Authorities say the father and son were fighting over the music when the elder, older, because it's always in these stories, there's like, his name's William Henry Oler Sr. Oh, Jesus. Who apparently shot William Henry Oler Jr. Genius. Yeah, over a karaoke. It says, the father and son were fighting over the music when the elder, older pointed a handgun at his son and shot him in the arm during a struggle. Wow. They could do a country song about this. That is a country song. Yes. Wow. Where was this? Look, I host karaoke and I've got to tell you, there's been some times I want to shoot people. And it's not even for the bad singing. It's for, for it being country. Well, yeah, one for country. This was in California. Dude, that guy could have come to my karaoke at some point. you shouldn't even sing country music in California. Country music is actually violent. A lot of people blame rap music, but country music, look at Johnny Cash. That is some violent killing people. Country music is a violent music and should be banned. Who's the little troll that used to sing the Monday Night Football song? Hank Williams Jr. That thing. That guy is a piece of shit. Yes, I have been drunk through his songs many times, but yes, yes he is. He says outrageously. Yeah. That's stupid shit. Yeah. He's too dumb to be a stripper. Yeah, definitely. He should be a stripper. He could go to school and fix that. Yeah. Go to school. He's so dumb, he would deny the facts that people were giving him in school. Yes. He'd be like, Jesus, Jesus wrote a dinosaur. What the fuck are you talking about? Well, that makes him, that makes him. Jesus wrote a dinosaur and Obama doesn't have a birth certificate. That makes him able to qualify for Congress. Yeah, pretty much. These are the people, and this is good, it's like natural selection. Yeah. You let them do their thing and goodbye. Yeah, that is one nice thing that at least one of them, I wish that one of them, no, I shouldn't say that. It's not nice. Okay. Yeah, because that's what we do here on Bad Advice. We're always nice. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Ron's conscience just walk into the room. Yeah, it was terrible. A couple of weeks ago, Ron's like, we don't want some children, but that's okay. I know what it is. I wish he'd shot him in the dick because then we would probably be guaranteed no kids from that fucking idiot. Also, if you want me to skip you, if you want me to move you in karaoke, you want me to move you up, you got to tip me just so you know people. That's how it works. Ron is a stripper. Exactly. And he's trying to go to school. Wait, wait. Here's the thing. If you let me sing and I agree to pay for college, is that okay? That would work great on that. All right. I'm going to take that money and buy a stripper though. The thing with that story, the thing that I'm buying an actual stripper is when it comes to people who name their kids junior, why is it always either just very rich people or very poor tend to do that? The whole middle ground doesn't do that. Do you know that I'm Ronald Edwards Swallow III? Are you really? That's my full name. I'm Ronald Edwards Swallow III. I'm going with you are from the white trash end of the spectrum as opposed to very wealthy. I guess we can lean towards that. There was too much to say in just the first two Ron Swallows. Not enough Swallows. Not enough Swallows, yeah. We Jewish people, we don't do that. We realize there are more names. You don't want to be Chaim III or whatever. It's laziness. It's like using whatnot. Now, Sal is our resident Mexican. Vince, you're like ethnic, but no one ever knows what the hell you are. Just looking at you could be anything. I'm an exotic dancer. Trying to work his way through school. No, Sal, do the Mexican people, they do juniors. But actually, the Mexican people I've known, they don't actually say junior. They just give them the same name. They give them the same name and then they call them junior. It's like everyone is named like Jesus. That's because there's 12 of them in the freaking backyard or you can't call them all junior. Or do they say junior? Do you guys want me to answer as a resident Mexican or do you guys want me to? Yes. That's why you're here. We're too busy mowing our lawns. And yours. I'm offended. I'm not. But I kind of am. But I'm not. I'm not. As long as you're stripping while all this is happening. I'll strip to the mariachi music. Okay, well, we're going to do another story. It's almost time for some questions to get into. But I do want to get this story in because this is a good one. Yes. Apparently, when a man named, David Sartine, found out he was duped by his mail order bride, he started grooming her for her death. Authorities say Sartine contacted an undercover agent that he believed was a hitman in order to get his would-be wife, Elena Barrianka. What is it? I'm sorry. Barikina. Elena Barikina. Huge. Out of the Ukraine and then he wanted to ship her in a crate to his home in Texas. FedEx or UPS? Alive? Yes. Yeah. His plan was apparently to stash Barikina in a fortified room he had built in his trailer home so he could get, and I quote, a good week out of her before killing her with poison. Whoa. Wow. It says Sartine, age 49, an unemployed man living in Hankamer, Texas, he met Barikina three years ago on a website that purportedly offered to introduce Western men to gorgeous Russian brides. Well, she hit the jackpot. Yeah. The two struck up a friendship and it says Sartine flew to the Ukraine six times and sent more than $50,000 to help Barikina's singing career. Right. His only income was from a, this is the great part of the story. It says his only income was a disability check following two surgeries on his back, that and a $400,000 divorce settlement from 2006 with another woman. Wow. He got the settlement. They quoted his ex-wife. It says, I was 13 years older than him and he played me for a fool, Betty Sarkin, his ex-and-retired oil executive, told the paper. Well, now he's met somebody a little smarter than him. There's nobody smart. How stupid was, this guy's stupid and he found a rich woman dumber than him. Yeah, how did this rich woman get rich? Must have been family. Shit. I thought the Ukraine only existed in the risk board. Ukraine. It's real. It's real. It's real. What's weird to me is like these women in Russia and all over, they're looking for a better life. How bad is it in Russia where this is an improvement? The guy losing a trailer home? Oh, no, no, no. She just played him all along. I mean, there may be some, but this woman who is actually, here's a picture of her. She's good looking. Can I see? Yeah. It says, things turned ugly last year when Sartine found out that Barrichino, who told him she wanted to save sex for marriage, had a Russian boyfriend on the side. She then broke off the relationship. This guy, unhappy with the result of this, tried to complain basically to the Better Business Bureau. He said, he tried to report Barrichino to the internetscamswatch.com and explained in a letter to the site that the situation made him consider suicide. He said, I had no idea I was being scammed. I believed in this girl with all of my heart and she knew this. This is a very cruel thing to do to a person. My first thought upon arriving back home was to put an end to myself, but I feared of not hitting the right spot and the pain would be bad. So I changed the pronoun to her. I was going to end her. That's nice. This whole family's fantastic because apparently his father chimed in. It says, his father, 73-year-old Cecil Sarton, at least it was her senior, said he tried to warn his son about the relationship but admitted that, well, she was prettier and could talk sweeter than me. Oh, Jesus. I'm looking at a picture of her. She is actually, very, very pretty. Yeah. Which means, yeah, she deserved death. It's true. You know, if you can fit her, I don't know what deal he had, but if you can fit her into that box at the post office, she only costs five bucks to mail over. Yeah, exactly. Also, he should have kidnapped her herself. Kidnapped? Just, if you're gonna, if you had that much, if you had that much money. You can't lift the box if you suffer from back pain. Hire one of your buddies. Well, he tried. It was an undercover cop. She's darling. I'd make her stay in the Nosferatu pose with my arms crossed. That's how I'd make her stay in the box. She makes me hungry. All right, look. You ever see that when you see a really beautiful woman? I get actually physically hungry, like an urge. She's delicious. You rarely cease to confuse me. So you want to put her in the box and just eat her later. No, but she's blonde. Yeah, she is. She's very pretty. Yeah, Vic looked and went, oh, she's beautiful. Can I get her to go, please? She looks like a goddamn mom. I love her in a Hannibal Lecter kind of way. But my best friend, Ron, now, I like to joke him because he, he, I basically, he has a mail order bride. Really? Yes. Now, Ron, I know you're listening, so if you want to call in. Ron, turn this off if your wife's around. Yeah. No, I like your wife. You know that. But she was from another country and they met online. That's great. So I just consider her a mail order bride. But she isn't really, isn't one of those ones where he was like, oh, I'm going to make an American citizen give me $8,000 or whatever. It wasn't one of those. No, they actually, they fell for each other. How big was the box that he mailed her over? She was in Thailand. It's a very small box. No, sideways. How bad is that? Is she a Thai chick? How bad could it have been over there when she had internet access? It couldn't have been so bad if she had the web. Oh, it was a scam the whole time. She was just making money off this douchebag. $15,000. First of all, if he got $400,000 from his ex-wife, he should shut the hell up that he lost $50,000. He's still doing fine. The most dangerous part of the trip would be the one from the truck to the curb. You ever seen them with those boxes? Yeah. They just throw it over the fence. Boom. What if she gets a concussion and you get a retarded Russian girl? Well, any time... Your wife, she's slightly damaged. Any time the UPS guy throws a box over my fence, my dog eats it. So, she'd be dead. She would have been... No, she would have been very happy is what I'm going with. Nice. She is a good-looking woman. She's fantastic. You know, we've all done this where we've looked online at mail-order women. And then killed them? We have? We've all done this. I love that Vic thinks that we've all done this. I have not done that. Vic, I find real women. Like, that's... I see one on the other side of the glass. That's why it's good to keep the receipt. You know, to find out what the return policy is. Hey, just for fun, we've all done it. I've looked at... In fact, this week, I looked at a Thai mail-order. Well, now I'm going to because I've never done that and I feel like I need to. Hold on. Mail-order? How much do they cost? I've never done it. Everybody's doing it. Everyone's doing it. I've never thought about that. You just look. It's like the new Instagram. They're really sexy. I figure, why would I look at that when I can look at porn? No, it's sexier because these women are really available and it's just interesting. Well, I'd like to think that I am preferable to a war-torn country. Yeah, that's fair enough. Like, seriously, if you have to choose between, okay, I could sleep with Drew or walk through a field of landmines. I mean, I may not be appealing to, you know, great swaths of women, but those women are probably looking at me going, that might not be too bad. Yeah, that works. At least it takes some time to think about it. He has a job. What if there was a woman out there that they showed her Drew and they're like, Drew or the landmines? And she's like, hmm, hang on. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm thinking. Would that be messed up? Well, I'd be standing there going, come on. That would really take a toll on yourself. They have Thai women that are fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Who's they? What do you mean they? Like, where is this place that you shop? It's a vending machine. The human traffickers. Okay, I'm going to get two Snickers bars and give me one of these Thai chicks. I can't tell you who, but they do. Those human traffickers sure do sell some good goods. Be careful. This one's spicy with nuts. What I really like is when you go down on some of those Thai girls, you get those little boba things that come out. Nice. Does that actually happen? That's just a dirty one. They come with bubbles. You know what that means. We have an audience of one person out in the waiting room and that joke got her. That was good. Look at her. She can't even look up. She knows what you're saying. You need one of those giant straws. Yeah, exactly. They just run out of here. They pop up. Oh, chewy. The problem for me is I like conversations, so I could never. You're fucking lame. I didn't even order one. I didn't even order one. The best part of a relationship is the talking, especially after the sex. Really? Do you need a PayPal account or is it an 800 number? How do you pay for them? They have the Third World Girl app on iPhone. It's one touch ordering. Is that a joke or not? No, it's true. Okay, I'm going to look at that. Third World Women on your app. Totally. Check it out on iTunes. That's awesome. I think you can dirty talk to the Third World Women who need to eat. That's what we should do. You know what I mean? They send all those food to kids for people over in the Third World countries and you just donate $3.95. How about you call them and they dirty talk to you? Except they're talking to you in a language you don't understand. Food for phone sex. Why don't you say that you read them a menu? Oh, that'd be good too. Well, that would get them excited. Not know what it's doing for you. The thing that scares me is a lot of these- Do you think people who are starving masturbate to food? Vic has masturbated on food. Hasn't he done that? That's a good question. What about Vic and baby carrots? Baby carrots and a grapefruit, if I recall? No grapefruit. We've all done it. No grapefruit. No grapefruit. No grapefruit. Baby carrots, sure. Can I say this? This is like the 150th episode of Bad Advice and not once to this day when Vic has said, we've all done it, have I done whatever the fuck he's been talking about. No, wait. Oh, kill him. We've all done it. Hey, you fucked a light socket, right? You fucked a light socket? We all do it. I'm just the only one who's honest. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's it. You're the freakiest human being on the planet. When you're a kid, you experiment. Every kid's tried to suck his penis. It's his own penis. You try to suck your own penis? Yeah. Oh, we're not going into this conversation again. We spent 40 minutes on it. I've got to joke about that. That was before the show. 40 minutes before the show. I was successful once in the shower. Nice. When I tell you a secret, you weren't successful. There was a dick in your mouth. There was no success had. It was my dick. It doesn't matter. Wrong swallow. It was just the tip. It was just the tip. Because you weren't in a relationship. That's enough. We're going to move to questions. If you've got a question, or you want to join and give some advice, give us a call here. The number 800-893-9562. Our first question comes to us from Marcel in Barstow. Marcel wrote, my young son saw two dogs mating and asked what they were doing. I didn't know what to say. Any suggestions? Fucking? That's what you want to tell your young son. Has the kid ever seen Sex and the City? You watch one of the scenes with Sarah Jessica Park and you say, you see what that horse is doing? That's what the two kids are doing. That's what the dogs are doing. Is that wrong? Yeah, you just say they're making love. It's how animals show their love for each other. You know, you say they're trying to make babies. Biologically, two animals sometimes get in a specific, you know, moment. It's not fun. It's not a good thing to talk about. It's not exciting. You're not going to get a laugh out of this. It might be exciting. But, yeah, they're going to have babies and that's what they do. That's all you tell them. It's a great entree. How old is the kid, though? It doesn't say. It just says my young son. Okay, and what do you say when the kid says, but mommy, which one's going to have the baby between Rocco the dog and Jimbo the dog? Which one's having the baby? You explain to him then that it's just awesome. I would say, listen, you just tell your kid that right there, fun. That's right. No, fun. I would say, first of all, this is a wonderful entree into explaining what sex is all about and love. Also, when you say, there's no love. Two dogs are fucking because of biological impairment. This is my young son and when you love someone, you reach around and really dig your claws into their soft belly and bite them. We don't know what's going on in that dog's head. This is what happens when you order a bride. The first thing you do when you find someone you like is you sniff their ass. This is the only, if you give education to strippers, you will never be able to do this to them. What was the breed of the dog by that? The breed of the dog. Similar to all. It's a Russian dog. Is there a picture of the dog? Can we see what the dog looks like? Yeah, that first dog, that dog ordered the second one from the Ukraine. Is there a YouTube video of this? Because Vic needs it. Yeah, you could say this is called doggy style and there are lots of different sexual positions. This is where doggy style came from. That's actually not a bad argument. All right, we'll go with that one. I like that. All right, the next question. Do giraffes do it the same way? What? Giraffes do it the same way? Giraffes are violent when they have sex. Well, the dinosaurs did it before all them so you could say dinosaur style, right? Yeah. They did it that way? Well, they might have faced each other. You know, starfish, no, it's not a starfish. Seahorses face each other while they make love. Oh, that's sweet. Isn't it? That's two cute seahorses just banging it out. One of them has to be really fun. Well, you took the... Vic makes love to seahorses. Yeah, that was nice. Seahorse porn. That was nice. Even seahorse porn comes in four minute segments unfortunately. That's it. All right, well, that was, I know there's a semen joke in there, but we're going to move on. All right, here we go. This one, Hal, it doesn't say where Hal's from, but Hal wrote and says, my wife talks to her aunt on a regular basis, sometimes a few times a week. Here's the thing. Her aunt has been dead for over two years, but she'll sit there and have full conversations. I try to be understanding, but it's strange to say the least. Can people really talk to the deceased or is she crazy? What type of phone plan is for you? That's a good reception there. Yeah, seriously. I want the interdimensional phone plan. It's definitely not AT&T. The friends and dead family. Oh shit, Elvis is clicking in. Hold on. I'll get right back to you. Can you kill me now? Can you kill me now? That was nice. I don't know. Do you guys... I think this lady's a bitch for stopping her aunt from moving on to the light. I think... Go into the light. Go into the light. You think that phone call is so strong that she can't leave the phone call? Yeah, she's stuck with this poltergeist four. I don't think she's... I don't... I'm just guessing here, but it doesn't say she's sitting there with a phone call. I don't think she's sitting there with a phone call. Oh, she's just talking. She's having a conversation. You guys just brought the phone thing into it. Oh, that's weird. Is she moving her mouth? Is she moving her mouth when she's having the conversation or is it just in her head and she's talking out loud? Otherwise, she's staring at her dead aunt. What's the guy's name? Hal. Hal, listen. Listen, Hal. Listen, Hal. You support your wife, you son of a bitch. You make love to her and you make love to her good. I'm going to listen. You make love to her good. Hal, if she isn't hot, you need to dump her. But if she isn't hot, if she is hot, put up with that shit. Is that what you're saying, Vic? She needs to dump her because she's crazy. Yeah, she's not. Can you pleasure a dead woman with your mouth? The problem is that I don't have, what was his name, Harold, you said? Hal. Hal. I don't have Hal to ask questions because one of the questions would be like, have you talked to her about it? Like, have you said, hey, babe, it's a little bit weird that you're talking to your dead aunt out loud. You may not want that answer, though. Yeah. Hey, she's right here. You don't want to hear that answer. Well, and then you get that answer and you go, okay, and then you disappear. See, now, in direct disagreement with something Vic said earlier, Hal, I say, relax. Let it go because consider this. If she stops talking to her dead aunt, she's going to be talking to you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Share the burden. Enjoy. Go do something you want to do. You know what? Go tip a stripper so she can get an education. No, you're right. And going along with that, if there's ever an argument, he should say, go tip a stripper and don't talk to your aunt about that. Exactly. Get her out of the room. Yeah. It's genius. And then that way, if she's, and she can talk about all her emotional shit right there and then just, you know, give him blowjobs. Now, that all being said, his question was, is she crazy? Not what should I do about it. I agree with you. I agree with you guys. Oh, yeah. No, she's crazy. Oh, yeah. She's fucking crazy. But enjoy the crazy. Or she has a reality show on like the Learning Channel. However, I've had, I can't tell you how many girls I've dated that talk to their cats and talk to them like, talk to my dog though. Like, oh, yeah. How was your date, kitty? Oh, I know. It was rough. You were running around and like, and it's not, you don't mean like talking during sex. Here's the deal, Hal. Crazy in the head, crazy in bed. There you go. Exactly. I do say, take advantage of it. Have a threesome with the aunt. Tear her apart. Yeah. My dead aunt. Tell your aunt how this feels. You know, you can get some, you can eat some ghost pussy while you're banging your, your lady. Ghost pussy is the best because you don't taste it. I like the taste. All right. We'll move on from that one. This one comes to us. I like this one. This one comes from Selena. Selena wrote in and said, my husband likes to brag to his friends that I have absolutely no gag reflex. Now, do I tell him it's just because he's small or do I let him continue to think that I'm just really talented? Obviously, you consider it, you just let him think. You can't tell him. I think you have to. Every time you eat something, eat a french fry, gag. Every time you're in front of other people, gag. That's how you tell him. This is just too big and he's like, oh shit. Look, you guys, blowjobs have just gone way too far. Every porn, every blowjob is I mean. Yeah, that is weird in porn. You're like, all right, calm down. Hold on. Is Sal getting blown by Bugs Bunny? And a lot of spitting, lots of spitting going on. I don't think you're performing blowjobs correctly, by the way. What's this guy's name? And what's the girl's name? It doesn't say his name. She talks to everyone about how she has no gag. What kind of trash is this? No, no, he, he brags about her. He's like, I got a lady and she's, my woman has no gag. Right in front of her? He's proud of her. He's very proud. He's a trashy guy. Well, that's stupid. That guy's name. Hold on, was that your impression of Selena's man? Do it again one more time. I want to hear, how does he brag? Look, what do you want me to do with this woman? Man, she can take my cock all the way down at the top of her teeth. That's why Adam hasn't been back. All his voice has died. The voice lives. Adam's not here, the voice lives. No, I, no, yeah, he's actually got a really good point. Like, like, you should break up with this dude on the fact that he's just constantly talking about how much blowjobs you give him, like in public, clearly. What's wrong with bragging about your woman? That's just so pretty. Well, you can say she's beautiful and fantastic to be with. Ah, that means nothing. Church is not a great place to brag about. Anybody can look good, but seriously, giving an amazing blowjob, that's a talent you're like, I can be proud of. You have to have a strong neck, a really strong neck. But he's clearly doing it in front of like his girlfriends. I have large traps. Did you see that? Large traps. You don't even have a neck, you beast. You look like you've got something you want to say. No, I'm just saying if a woman gives great head, I would yelp it. Yeah. City search. City search. Four and a half stars. Try this lady out for sure. Yeah. One star. I would trust this lady. She's also a whore, so she will suck your dick. Get her blowjob app. It is available on iTunes. Is it? Nice. I think my final piece of advice is, this was Selena? Selena, listen. Wait, that's Selena back from the dead. First of all, gag reflex is sexy, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. Not too much. It's not like the tips and Then you start throwing up. I don't want to choke at the whole thing. Right. She throws up once per meal. That's not a good sign. That's good. My thing is, Selena, the only way you're really going to be sure whether you have one or not is some comparison shopping. So come on down to bad advice. Oh, nice call. Wow. Seriously, that's the best thing you've said. This is episode like 80. That was pretty awesome. I try and look after the people on my show. Can I go first, please? Can we create one of those sunken floors under the table like they have in the pedicure salons? You know, they have that sunken floor with the pedicure salons the ladies go down there. We can have that built underneath the table here. Nice. Is that a real thing? Yeah. You know, you sit there and get your toes done and the ladies are down below you. Kind of like a jiffy lube when your car is below, you know, the guys below your car. So on this one, you're sitting there and the ladies are down there below. Wait a minute. You get your toes done? Yeah. You do a mani-pedi? At these establishments, there's a lady down below and then she services you. Let me see your toes right now. She services you. Let me see your toes. Okay, let's not get creepy in here. She's doing your toes and sucking your cock at the same time. Yeah, yeah. I want to see your toes. You have one woman on this side, one woman on that side, and one woman on the other. She can skip the doing my toes. Like, I can do that myself. Vic is asking for me to show you. I'll show you my toes if you show me yours. Oh, we've seen your toes, Vic, and we don't ever want to see them. Oh, that's some gnarly stuff right there. Come on, put it on the table. I don't want to freak out the audience. No, put it on the table. Right now, we're moving on to the next story. Vic has toes for radio. Bing. Yes, next question. Okay, this one is interesting. This one is from Henry. It's Henry and La Crescenta. Henry says, I was recently widowed after 24 years of being married. What's the appropriate amount of time to wait before dating and or having sex? Ten minutes. One week after the actual wedding. If there were any mourners there that you found attractive. How soon until you can masturbate to porn after the death of your spouse? How old is she, though? How long were they together? What is this guy, Henry? How long were they together? 24 years. They were together 24 years. He doesn't give his... Okay, you figure he doesn't give his age, but let's say they got married when he was 20. So... Getting a blowjob instantly helps with the grieving process. That's a good point. That's a good point. I'd say a year. You know what? She's dead, but you could have had sex one more time before they buried her. I did when I got divorced. Oh, that's a good point. And Ken's always talking about Drew's death jokes. Too soon? Was that a... Yeah, yeah. Too soon? What? Maybe a little... I'm sorry. Was that wrong? There's so much up for grabs here. I mean, we don't know. Did she have, like, a long, painful illness where he was by her side all the time? Yeah, yeah. I mean... Or was she, like, God forbid, in a coma? Was she on vegetables for three years? If he killed her, I'm gonna say immediately after she's dead you can have sex with somebody. He sounds like a caring individual. Yeah, I'm gonna say you take a year off and then you just start banging everyone who will say yes. A year? Yeah. Why wait? Well, it depends on how fucked up you are. I mean, maybe... A retroactive year from, like, a year ago? Then I'm fine. But otherwise, that seems like a long time. Six months? When I got divorced, I took a year off just trying to get my shit together and get my brain together and, like, play some video games and do some other shit. And then I just started banging like a whore. Did you masturbate to porn during that time? Yeah, of course. No, here's the deal. I'm gonna take what Ron says. I still masturbate to porn while I'm fucking. I mean... Wait, you masturbate to porn while you're fucking? Okay, hold on. We'll get back to that. I wanna take what Ron says one step further. You don't have to know sex. I really believe this, that you... Whatever... What's his name? Henry. Huh? Henry. Henry. It's no sex at all. I mean, no sex with yourself. What? No, I'm serious. No medicating. You need to feel your feelings. And if you put it in a fucking Kleenex, you're not gonna feel. Oh, oh, oh. Can I say something? Can I say something? Vic's an idiot. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Guys jerk off all the time. Constantly, right now, as you're talking to me. They're feelings and it's not healthy. Hal? Hal? Hank? Hank? Hank? Whatever his name is, just go fuck somebody, Ken. Hank Hal Henry. Hank, feel your feelings. 3H, triple H, triple H, triple H. Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. I disagree. When my dog died when I was 15, I masturbated to help me with the process. Yeah, that was your dog, though. You weren't fucking her. And when Vince's dog died, I also masturbated and I felt wonderful. And the reason the dog died I still jerked off. I just took a year off to kind of get my head straight. I mean, and that was a divorce. I mean, obviously, she wasn't dead and I... Why can't... Look, it's that... It's that chew gum and walk thing. Why can't you do two things? Why can't you miss somebody and still get laid? You also might get attached. Like, if you've been in a relationship that long, you don't need to get attached right now. You need to take time off. No, you know, you might. What if you missed out on a great individual because you're like, I can't jerk off? Well, you'd probably ruin that relationship. Hold on, who are you missing out on if you couldn't jerk off? You're missing out on yourself. You're missing out on yourself. I am a fantastic person to be with. When you have an orgasm, when you have an orgasm, there are chemicals changes in the brain that are... Good ones. ...like cocaine. Yeah. And I'm saying, stay away from the drug. Stay away from the masturbation drug. I agree and disagree with that. I say it's what you think about. Listen, if we're going to go with what Victor said, then Henry, start doing cocaine. Yeah. It's what you think about when you're masturbating. That's what... Whatever you think about when you're masturbating is what's the main thing. Oh, no. What I'm thinking about when I'm masturbating immediately leaves my head when I'm doing it. Let's make a compromise. Sometimes I think about stabbing things. I shouldn't think those. Let's say, let's say at four months you start banging hookers because hookers, you don't have to have feelings for. Yeah, what about that? Then, then you take another four or five months and you start banging regular people. No, I'm passionate about this. I love hookers. I fell in love with hookers. Yeah, that's because you're fucked up. Obviously, obviously you've fallen in love with hookers. Almost every hooker. Vince makes love to hookers, I understand. You don't just fuck them, you make love. And then he holds them afterwards, too. He cuddles afterwards. And they're all really uncomfortable because they need to make more money. He's holding onto them and trying to... Stop with... I'm fucking away with my money. Vince thought Pretty Woman was a documentary. Hank, take your dick out of your hand. Henry, Henry. Henry? The guy's hurting enough and you can't even remember his name. You can't talk about this guy anymore. You've lost the right. How do you expect him to take advice from you? Henry, Henry, listen. Take your dick out of your hand. Vic will be a terrible political candidate. He'll be there on the podium. Henry, take your dick out of your hand and no more. Don't touch yourself. It's horrible. And I want you to come in touch with your feelings. I want you to come in a sock No, he's got to leave himself alone and feel the feelings. No, no, you're right. It doesn't need to be a sock. All right, what about this? What if she has a family member? Then at least... Oh, it's like keeping it in the family? It's like the same DNA. Yeah, I think biblically that was done. Yes, it was. It was a responsibility like brother... I think we can agree that everything in the Bible is correct. Not only biblically, also southern. I believe it's also done. And that actually would sell perfectly. If nothing, we're clearly a religious bunch. Well, we've answered Henry's question. Okay, we've answered Henry's question. Henry, go for it. You just go ahead. Keep your hands off and have sex with your family. Now I'm calling Vic Vint. Don't you listen to him. He doesn't even know his own name. All right. Well, let's do a nicer one now. That was nice. This one says... This is a happier one. This one comes from Diane in Oxnard. And Diane sent in on the site. Says, my boyfriend is a very masculine guy. He plays sports. He works out. He even does martial arts training. What I don't get is that he's really into Hello Kitty. He collects the stuff. It kind of weirds me out. Thoughts? I love you too, honey. I mean, really. That's kind of an homage that she, you know, I'm grateful she would write in about me. I don't have any problem with it. In fact, I think a woman in Hello Kitty garb is actually very cute. Yeah, but this is the guy. Yes, he's not wearing it. He's probably buying it for her. No, no. He's a collector. He's a collector. He's a collector. That's not a big deal. He's just a collector. He has a weird collecting. It's not like he has like a bunch of like man faces that he can fuck But isn't like Hello Kitty like purses and Well, there's some of that but there's also there's also little action figures, statues, lunch boxes. It's very possible Diane's boyfriend is a very large, extremely ugly little girl. That is also I could be in case just who happens to have a dick. Yes. Transgendered. A transgendered little girl. No, it is a little bit weird. I mean, I collect comic books which at least you expect a dude to have and books and shit like that. Yeah, like Sal, you do action figures. You do like the UFC stuff, right? Yeah, I enjoy it. So wouldn't it like hurt extra bad if you got your ass kicked by a guy that was collecting Hello Kitty? No. It doesn't matter what they're collecting. Gay dudes are good fighters too, some of them. Let's just let's talk about the elephant in the room. Okay. I'm curious what you think the elephant in the room is. Here's the elephant. Hey, we've all touched that elephant, right? I'm going to explain. I'm going to tell you right now and you guys will agree. That he wanted to see my feet earlier. No, the elephant in the room is that this guy's gay and that's fine. That's what's going on. I actually didn't think about that. He's gay because he likes Hello Kitty. Yeah, that's very gay. It's not a bad sign. It's not a bad thing. It's not a bad sign. I'm not that familiar with Hello Kitty that I would know one way or the other. What? There's nothing wrong with this. This is a lot like when you called the black guy an African American. Yes, that's what you called him. Because you are living on a weird world where regular people can't like some stuff that's not considered masculine. Hello Kitty is very feminine and I'm not saying it's, I'm not criticizing it. So you're saying the second you buy as a dude buy Hello Kitty you've had a cock in your mouth? Well, actually the truth is I did buy Hello Kitty pants. And so yes, we'll go with yes. The wrong question is yes. He bought a Hello Kitty dildo. Now that we've cleared that up. But that was a costume for something. But it wasn't, you know. I should stop talking. Here, suck on this for a moment, Vic. Go ahead. What's the next one? He has a Hello Kitty sex doll. Well, okay. So Diane, that's pretty much our thoughts. It's like, if you're okay with, you know, a maybe gay boyfriend, you're fine. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Enjoy it. Goodbye Kitty. Okay. Well, here we go. This one, this one's, I'm going to let you handle this one, Vince. Oh. This one's from Pete in Sunland. It says, my roommate loves to go to strip clubs. He believes the girls truly like him. How do I convince him it's just the money that they want? Signed, Vince. My friend, or you're the Vince. I don't, I don't, I don't understand. I mean, girls do you like, they do like you at a strip club. Yeah, they do. Yes, they do. In a deep emotional way. Exactly. And sometimes you connect. Like last night, for instance, the chick that, um, had her booty on my face. I think she had, we had a connection. Now, was it more of a connection than the 80 year old man whose face she just had her booty in before you got there? Or no, same connection? No, because we had a lot more in common. Like what? She liked independent films. Yes, you know what you had in common? That's what her ass said. ATM card. Do you mean independent, when you say independent films, you mean triple X, Batman? Is that what you're saying? She likes art, indie films, like foreign films. Oh, she's a genius. No, no, she had sex with a guy named Art. I think you misunderstood. That's not what I mean. Watching a foreign film. Why can't a stripper fall in love with a customer? Well, because they usually don't because there are business minded people who make money off of that. That's not true. You've never seen Pretty Woman, obviously. I told you, you thought that was a documentary. I can't tell you how many future ex-wives I've met in Hooters. Vince, how much did you spend last night? I don't know, they paid for it, so it was fun. Who's they? A production company. They, your friends, Vic. That's awesome, man, well done. How much do you think would you normally pay for her? I don't know, I haven't gone to strip club in a few years. So you think the camera crew had nothing to do with her having a quote unquote connection with you? Dude, they love each other so much. No. I think it was all me. I was charming, I'm normally, I normally. You are pretty charming, I'll give you that, Vince. You're charming. I'm charming, and I'm kind of cute, and I know. Half the people in this room would have sex with Vince. I'm mesmerized just sitting next to him. I'm enraptured. He's pretty charming. Now here's the thing though, can you add up, if you can add up, Vince, your eight lap dances or whatever you had last night, your seven drinks, and then say for that cost, you can have a woman you're certain you're going to hook up with. Absolutely. Okay, I was just curious, and then she would love you too. You know what, Drew was trying to get me out of there. He's like, no, they don't like you, Vince. I'm like, no. No, I'm not. Drew is uplifting that way. He is nice. He says that to me too when we're in the mall. I'm not saying they didn't like you. What I was trying to make you understand is you are a comic, and you are great at your job. Okay. Okay. They are great at their job. Which is to make you think. And what their job is to separate any individual in that room from their money. I bet waitresses fall in love with you too. And to make you think you love them. Yes. Here's the thing, when you get up. I've had strippers, ex-hookers, amateur porn stars have actually fell for you. And hepatitis with every letter following it. Seriously. My roommate is like, you have like hepatitis R because C is just not far enough down the line. When she gets off your lap and refuses to get on the next guy's lap because she misses you so much, then yes, then she fell for you. Yeah, like if she's like, I've had one time where I used to drive this dude to a strip club and I don't like strip clubs. I would sit in the corner with him. I would like my arms crossed and make it what I thought was clear to not come talk to me. And every once in a while someone would come talk to me. And then one girl came and sat down next to me. She complimented my Superman jacket. And then I was like, we were just chatting. And then I was like, you know what? I'm wasting your time. You know, I'm not going to make any money. Why don't you go like go hang out with some of the other girls, other dudes. And then she was like, it's dead in here. But there was like 60 dudes like just wandering around with nobody talking to them. So I was like, okay. To a certain degree, I agree with you guys. But I know, I know like, I know that it's a business and they're trying to make money and that's their job. But at some point you can break them. I'm telling you. You can break them. Yes. You can have them shipped to you in a crate. Like Mr. T broke Rocky. You can mentally break them. I'm going to ask you a question. Let me ask you. Then we're going to move on to the next question. Also Vince, talk into the microphone. Okay. Okay. Vince, I just want to ask you something because I'm concerned for you. I really am. This is a friend. Do you, do you perform oral sex on these ladies? No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. No. So one of these girls. What does that have to do with the. I'm just curious. Vic is masturbating. He doesn't want your face to fall off. Way too many singles. Way too many singles. Vic wants to make out with you and he doesn't want to get herpes afterwards. because you seem to be with a lot of women who are quite sexually active. Yeah. I mean, no, I've never performed unless this. So have I. Unless. Am I hearing that? Huh? Unless there's some ram rap involved, I'm very safe. Ram rap. How about anal sex? They ever fuck you up the ass? Of course. I fucked. Well played, Vic. Well played. They ever fuck you up the ass? I said it really quick. Because of course. Vic is masturbating right now. No, I'm not. Yes, he is. He asks these questions. We're trying to move on, guys. We're trying to be productive. You're mentally masturbating right now. I know. No, he's physically. Hold on. Last point before we move on. You know those things in casinos? They're square. They've got a handle. What are those things called? Slot machines. Yes. That's what you were playing with at the club. Last night. Let me tell you what. When actors start a film together, they start outside of the movie. They hook up and they fall in love. That's the same thing that happens. Oh, we had a call? Hold on, guys. We only have three minutes, too. Are they back? Hey, Vince. Okay, hold on. We've got a call. All right. Hey, guy. Welcome to Bad Advice. Hey, how are you? I'm all right. Who do we have? Well, my name is John. Hey, Don. How are you? Welcome to the show. I'm good. How are you? I'm having woman problems. Can you help me? I'm going to try. What you got? She won't swallow. But she swallowed for her ex-boyfriend, but she won't do it for me. And I want to know what should I do. Okay, well, what's her reason? Yeah, does she tell you why? Oh, she doesn't like it. But she did it before, but now she doesn't like it. Okay, now my question is, why did she do it before? That I don't know. Does your jizz taste bad? No, that's okay. I'm going to ask you something. What's your ethnic background? I mean, she's done it before with guys she was with. I mean, she's done it before before me. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Let me ask you something. What's your ethnic background? Huh? What's your ethnic background? What are you? You Mexican? I guess you guys are white, so you'll call me African-American. I would call you African-American. No, Vic would call you African-American. Vic would call you something far more African-American. We'd call you black. That's what... Okay, but here's the thing. The reason I ask is, what's in your diet? Yes. Asparagus. And a lot more asparagus. What's in my diet? Oh, um... Drew believes in nutritional eugenics. I eat pasta, salad, nothing too spicy. Salad. There's your problem. Salad. Asparagus. Yeah, you can give him some advice. What's your name? What's your name? Don. What's your name? Don, here's the deal. Drink lots of pineapple juice. Yep. That's really going to help. And the other thing is, why do you know so much... Well, I don't drink pineapple juice, but will pineapple soda work? No, yeah. Yeah, pineapple soda. That's real pineapple juice. He is an African-American. Do straight pineapple. He's like, what about some great knee-high? Well, that'd change my sperm if I drank some great knee-high. Don. Do the trick. Don, listen. Don, don't do it. Don, listen. Drink a lot of pineapple juice. And the other thing is, stop talking to her about other guys she sucked off, okay? That's not a good, thick conversation. And how do you kiss her mouth knowing that she had another... Hold on. ...a load of sperm in her mouth? May I also add that... I don't care about that. ...if you don't... That is true. She tells... Because, okay, I asked her why she wouldn't do it. She said she doesn't like it, okay? And you know how she didn't know? Because she did it before. So we spoke about it, and she was like, oh, I did it, and I didn't like it. So I'm like, you did it for somebody else, and you wouldn't do it for me? Fuck you. Okay, what is her favorite beverage? What is her... Huh? We're going to have to wrap this up. We only got 40 seconds. What is her favorite beverage? What does she like to drink? Oh, Corona. Corona. Okay, here's what you do. I want you to jerk off into an open bottle of Corona. Next time she drinks it, and she's smiling at the end of it, you go, okay. You ready? See, it wasn't that bad. I'm here to help you, Don. Thank you very much. We got to go, because we got... We got 30 seconds, so I'm going to wrap it up, but Don, you get back to me next week, and you have a great beer weekend, buddy. Trainer Tastemaster. You too. Cheerio. All right, thanks for calling, man. Wait, did he just say cheerio? Yes, he did. Nice. He's a nice English by-fellow. I want to thank everybody for being here. Listen to everybody's shows, Ron Swallows, Ken August. Guys, give yourselves a round of applause. It was a very funny show. Thank you for listening to Bad Advice on Skid Row Studios. Good night. See you later. That was fun. Good night. Good night.