We're becoming a boy band. We're just practicing. We're rehearsing. None of us can sing. None of us can sing, but... Speak for yourself. My name is Justin Cross. I'm coming to you live from the Skid Row Studios right here in the heart of L.A.'s Scarlet District. Scarlet. We got a great show for you tonight. Give us a call. Let us know about the stories that affected you this week in the news. 800-893-9562. I'm joined, as always, with just two very amazing guys right here. Well, before we get to those guys, though, I want to promote real quick our guest tonight from the popular Twitter handle, The Fake CNN. At The Fake CNN, comedian Warren Holstein will be with us, joining us over the phone. They've got, I don't know, like 150,000 Twitter followers. I think my first question is going to be, what's the difference between the fake CNN and the actual CNN? I don't really get the two, but we've got Warren calling in. I'm looking forward to that. Joining us in the studio, though, as always, the not-so-stoned Eric Feldstein is with us, everybody. Eric Feldstein's in the house. Just a very mild golf clap. Coming from his partner in crime, straight across the street from me. I just found out before the show, he sounds a lot like the movie phone guy, Jake the Snake Craney. Apparently, I do, and I'm glad to be here. And if you'd like to see Starship Troopers, please press 2. That was the person who made that comment, was Jenny in the back. Jenny from The Block. As she calls herself. And Jenny, Jenny Guzman. She's Guatemalan. You found that out today. You are. Half Guatemalan. Just under Mexico. Yep, just right under Mexico there. Right, just camped out. That's why everyone forgets it. It's hidden. Had to dig for it. It's hidden down there somewhere. Somewhere not in America. We got a great show for you, but we begin tonight, as we always do, with the Sarcastic News Rundown. Oh, man. You know, the rundown better be good with an intro like that, you know? We begin with our top story. On Tuesday, the Supreme Court of the United States, otherwise known as SCOTUS, or as George W. Bush used to call them, Scooter, ruled in favor of a 2006 Michigan law that allows states to ban affirmative action. Writing the majority opinion was Judge Anthony Kennedy, while the dissenting opinion was delivered by Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Sonia Sotomayor. Recusing herself completely, though, because she had served as Solicitor General in the original Michigan case that brought this to the high court was Justice Elena Kagan. Kagan was also quoted as saying, quote, I had competing interests, not to mention it was my kid's spring break, and I don't get as much time off as you would think with this job. You have to take any chance that comes along to get down to Turks and Caicos. The water down there is as green as Justice Ginsburg's environmental beliefs and as shallow as Justice Scalia's views on women. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's a direct quote. Um, took a long time to get to that one, huh? Uh, surprising to some states, though, uh, tech, states like Texas are trying to maintain, they're trying to actually maintain affirmative action. You wouldn't necessarily think Texas would, is, would be trying to do that. Uh, but it has been a major part of them diversifying their college campuses as long, as well as them, uh, claiming an unprecedented amount of street cred. Uh, apparently, uh, the Texas football system is not, and their basketball system is, the, uh, not the only place that, that, they're black people. So, uh, in a change of pace, though, I don't know if you guys heard about this, the FCC, uh, decided to allow a web-fast internet lane for companies like Google and YouTube. So what this means, basically, is that companies like these will be able to pay a premium for faster web and video content, assuring that when Eric Feldstein visits their landing page to watch his cat, cat movies, uh, you know, them going to the bathroom on a regular toilet, or when Jake Craney Googles how to become a supercut, model, they'll be able to do that before their boss even has a chance to see how much they're zoning out at their job. So. Yes. It's not all about cat videos, though, and good hair. As consumer groups have already attacked the FCC, saying the new rule favors big companies over smaller startups that have the ability to become, these startups have the ability to become the next Twitter or Facebook. Because Lord knows we all need more twerking hashtags, twerking home videos, and twerking commentary by sarcastic, internet hosts. Okay? We need these startups to be around. Okay? Now, facing fresh questions about his commitment to Asia, President Barack Obama is seeking to convince Japan's leaders of his security and economic commitment. In exchange for these commitments, Obama is asking for Japan to lend us more great sushi restaurants and for China to not buy us out during his term. Mild. It was over my head. Now, the emphasis on Asia is getting some of the come up in arms that Obama is focusing on the situation in Asia, but he's not focusing on the situation between Russia and the Ukraine. Now, while Obama plans to stay in Asia for a few days, he has sent Vice President Biden to Russia so that he can square off in a wet t-shirt contest against Vladimir Putin at a Kiev-based Hooters. So, I think we're all good there. Now, in sports, I don't know if you guys heard about this, but the NBA playoffs started this past week. Check back with Sarcastic News live in about eight months and we should have some in-depth analysis on who is about to win the NBA championship. It goes on for a while, people. We got a great show for you tonight. Sarcastic News Live. My name is Justin Cross with Eric Feldstein, Jake the Snake Cranny. We are drinking Angel City beer tonight. Our new sponsor, Angel City Brewery. They don't know they're a sponsor. They do now. This is the delicious and it goes down smooth. This is the Angelino IPA right here. It's a good one, huh? It's big and bold. Jake read an article the other day apparently about what is it, the top eight? Yeah, it's one of those lists that keeps floating around. The eight beers that you should stop drinking immediately. Most of which were the cheapos. Don't give away too much. We're going to tease that and we're going to come back to it in the next segment. I'll tell you what it is next. We've got... That's the movie phone guy. That's the movie phone guy. Don't worry from our sponsors. We've got more stories coming from the wild from Jake the Snake and Eric Feldstein. We've got... Yeah, we're going to hear more about the eight beers that you don't want to drink. And then Jenny Gomez is going to enlighten us in Guatemala and where it is. Best fruits available. So insulting every week. Purchasing. I'm excited. We've got a great show. Give us a call. Jim in Santa Fe Springs. Tara in LA. Anyone. Anyone. Give us a call. 800-893-9562. Our guest tonight, comedian Warren Holstein from At The Fake CNN. He's like the main writer, the main writer, the main guy for At The Fake CNN. He's also a very funny stand-up comedian based in New York. He'll be joining us in just a little while. So stay tuned for that. We'll be right back here on Sarcastic News Live. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. There's nothing that you can say to change it anyway. We're back here on Sarcastic News Live. My name is Justin Cross with Eric Feldstein. Feldstein. Yeah. Feldstein. Stein. He is a very popular guy on the internet, dating scene, actually. Yeah, that's true. Is that right? Yeah, I'm on Plenty of Fish, Tinder. I gave Jay Day to try. Wow. I tried Match, tried OKCupid. Wow, you're really diversifying your performance. portfolio yeah well you know it's a numbers game are you are you well are you trying to look are you looking for love what are you looking for i mean we do have a very popular internet radio show we can pimp you out on here yeah you know honestly at this point i am looking for love um i'm lonely yeah and i saw a gray hair the other day oh in the mirror up top or down below it was uh it was up top it was up top i plucked it you know right away just can't be having that have any ideas for the other ears come out if you pluck one right wow that's gotta go oh man jenny i love you well it's what you get for taking shots at guatemala it's true but yeah so um if anyone's out there listening oh yeah no no nobody's out there listening um but uh if they are no they they should these are your you're a great man i mean i don't know why anybody would want to thank you thank you uh you joining us though uh via the jack-in-the-box hot mess phone line this guy is a he's a frequent caller of the show frequent fan he's been in he was here on our original show uh he's our college correspondent he's our residential sarcastic news live college correspondent i'm talking about matt sugar mills matt sugar mills thanks for joining us all right coming off his i should mention you're coming off of uh your your boston marathon finish congratulations muscle tough thank you yeah uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh and uh hook that up. Matt, Matt, can you, can you take us through, uh, just the last, like maybe two or three miles, just how you were feeling mentally and physically. I just, I'm curious. Oh, pain, pain, and more pain. I just wanted it to stop. I think it was a death March for the last few miles. You know what? It was, yeah, yeah. Just play that for about 45 minutes. That was my experience. The last three miles. It was cool though. You know, I it's Justin, I know you've been there before. It's, uh, you know, it's almost, it's literally deafening, uh, for the last couple of miles, the amount of people that were out there in support of the city and in support of Boston, it was kind of like a big F you to the, you know, the dicks that, you know, bombed the finish line last year. So yeah, sorry. That's, uh, I took over. I took over the soundboard. No, this is great. Especially for a match sugar mills, a phone call. This is awesome. Use the term Dick. So I had a, yeah. So I had a, I had a cue that went up there. Uh, well, congratulations sugar. And, uh, we're glad that you, uh, you made it back. You're back in LA now, right? I am. You're back. We're hoping to make it in studio today, but you know, you're too sore. Your quadriceps are just torn to bits. I couldn't eight floors of. Stairs on a skid row studios. So it just wasn't going to come. Make sure you drink a Gatorade. They do have two elevators as well. They do. Uh, they only work half the time, but, uh, okay. I hear you. So sugar, you, uh, you're back in LA now. I know you're, uh, you're our local college correspondent. Now tell us a little bit, actually, before you, before we get into what's happening in your neighborhood, which is the title segment of this, this part, uh, we have our, our, uh, our sound music. Cue it up, Jenny. It's casual. You know what goes great with that music? A smooth, big, bold Angelina light. I just finished mine and that's a problem. Courtesy of angel city brewery. I don't know about you guys. You're making me thirsty right now for some angel city cold brew. Oh man. What's happening on the college scene sugar? Uh, well, you know, we got a few things going on. Uh, you know, we're, we're, we're, we're going to be doing a lot of things. Uh, you know, from all, all over the country, a big theme happens to be, I think Coachella, you know, at the nation for, for college students, uh, teams to have gotten some, some rave reviews and, uh, you know, for, for those of you not familiar, they're at home. Coachella's music festival out here in Southern California happens every April weekends. So yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you go there your season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season what we have here from... I'm just a bitter man who sits in my apartment all day. From the Humboldt State University Lumberjack. That is the name of their paper there. What we have here is the title of the article is Music Prevailed at Coachella 2014. Surprising for a music festival. Right, exactly. So apparently they were in surprise. Apparently there was a couple of other things. I guess in the other running was drugs. Rampant drug use. If we step back for a second, the Humboldt newspaper, is that made out of hemp? What's the exact fiber? They weave it out of hemp on a hemp loom. You can smoke it. I was going to say, can you just roll it up? How does it... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, with hard-hitting news like Music Prevailed at Coachella 2014. That's huge. Was that a front-page article right there? It was. It was. Right on the front page. Yeah. Well, how did they get somebody down at Coachella? I feel like humble. Like, what did they... They just sent them out, like, hitchhike? Yeah, they left in February. So, Sugar, you got anything else on the college scene? We got one more from Wayne State College in Nebraska. Snake knows about that area. Front page. Front page. Charges pending against dog owner. Wayne police shot aggressive dog loose in the neighborhood. So, talking about a dog being shot by police officers after the dog had apparently bit a local woman. Oh, wow. So, did the dog die? It didn't. Indeed. Unfortunately. Wow. Yeah. Well, thanks for bringing the show up. Wow. Yeah. That's incredibly sad. On a different note, my dog is not in studio tonight. She was in Wayne State. So, wait. That's terrible. Oh, well, I thought actually for front-page news, I was a little more on the humorous side, but I guess that's because my heart is stone. Well, you're a twisted man. You're a twisted individual. It is not necessarily front-page news, but I guess... Maybe at Wayne State. Not much is going on. Yeah, not much is going on. You know what? These are the hard-hitting stories that are going on in Nebraska, I guess. Well, we got a residential in Nebraska expert, Jake Snekraney, who went to school at... Where'd you go, Creighton? I spent two years at Creighton. I actually thought Wayne State was in Ohio. I didn't even know that was in Nebraska. Really? Yeah. I'm wondering if you got to... I'm just going to make some bad joke about it. You have to be named Wayne to go there, but, you know. Hmm. Wayne's World. Stupid joke. Bruce Wayne. I'm glad you didn't do that. No, no. I'll leave it on this. That's what I sound like after I eat Taco Bell. Freckin' C. Dick. That's all I got. That's all I got, sugar. Well, hey, congratulations again on your Boston Marathon. Thank you. Ice those quads, buddy. Ice those quads. Eat a banana. I think we're just throwing out random things. Like, ice those quads. Eat a banana. Rub some Bengay on it. We have no idea what we're talking about. Sugar, thanks a lot for joining us, and have a great night, my man. We want to see you in studio. Take care. Yeah. I'll be there soon. Matt Sugar Mills calling in via the Jack in the Box hot mess phone line, giving us some hard-hitting news out of Humboldt State and Wayne. Was it Wayne State? That's great. That's a good institution. What, let's see, what else is happening in the neighborhood? Jake, the state karate. Well, I actually found, I found this story nestled in between the CNN.com top headlines of main couple attacked by moose, and this couple, this couple's cuteness is unbearable. Oh. Actual CNN headlines, and this story is actually, gold, Jerry. This is out of our old neighborhood of Jacksonville, Florida. Yeah. Where Jaguars linebacker, and for those listening on the West Coast, the Jaguars are a professional football team. Jaguars linebacker, Russell Allen, has retired after having a stroke in a game last year. Oh, geez. Wow. Crazy part, he kept playing in the game that he had a stroke in. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So, first of all, I salute the competitiveness of this guy, but for the love of God, how do we let a guy that has a stroke, just throw him back in the game? As long as it's not a concussion, okay? Yeah, seriously. As long as he wasn't concussed. I have a question for the crack squad here tonight on this topic. Oh, wow. If you were suddenly given the power to address the NFL head safety issue, the, you know, concussions and all that, brain damage and all those serious things, how would you address, the problem? Sorry, that's a concussion. How would you address the problem, if at all? My contention has always been to just completely remove the helmets altogether. Oh. That's my contention. Yeah. What do you guys think? I think, I mean, my personal opinion, well, first of all, I think this would get a team out in LA because the Skullets in the Skid Row Studios in the heart of LA's Skullet District over here, I think Skullets would really be, Skullets would make a move, a craze, would sweep the nation if there are no helmets because all the football players would want to do Skullets. That's brilliant. Hulk Hogan style. Yeah. So, yeah, the answer is yes. I'm all for no helmets in football. There you go. And I think that Russell Allen, while commendable, you know, I just want to know, I mean, how many tackles did he have? You know, like, was it, yeah, okay, you were there. You missed that weak side blitz because of that stroke, young man. Yeah. I mean, sure, you were running the wrong way on the field because of what just happened, but I don't know. What do you think, Eric? What's football? No, I'm just kidding. There you go. My first response has to be... He's single, ladies. He's single. Yeah, I'm single. Remember the Titans. Okay. Fair enough. No, I'm just kidding. I think the helmet should be actually a giant foam type thing. So, like, everyone has... Just like a real... Yeah, and you cut out, like, eye holes, you know, so they can see and maybe, like, a tube for breathing. Like, put them in a bubble, basically. Yeah, exactly. Put them in a bubble. You might as well. Dude, football in general is... I don't think it's going to be going... It's not going anywhere. Like, you can only control it so much, right? You can only control it so much. And the thing is, we love it as Americans. Maybe not Eric, but we love it as Americans, right? Because it's like... I don't know, for whatever reason, it's a popular sport, right? Oh, if I see someone have a stroke on the field, I stand up and cheer. Yeah. I mean, I'm just... That's a thrill. Yeah, you'll cheer him off the field, but, I mean, at the same time, you know, if he's on your fantasy team... I mean, it's a good thing he played linebacker. That's all I'm saying. If he played wide out... He didn't mess up anybody's numbers. Right, exactly. I mean, if that was... Who's the wide receiver for the Bengals? A.J. Green. If that was A.J. Green... He would have been pissed off. Play on. You're not retiring. Damn stroke. Do you have a crying baby to end this? I really... Uh... I'm really missing... I'm looking through miscellaneous sound effects. I'll try to find some crying baby for him. Give it to me later. Just throw it in randomly. Okay. I think Jenny's on that one. That's her... That's her role. Any stories that you have? There we go. There we go. There's the baby. No one loved him. Oh, man. Well, guys... The title of tonight's show is called Cheap Tricks. Oh. All right. It gets me every time. So the word on the street is brain implants could give people perfect memories and night vision. So the article goes in to talk about how, you know, scientists are basically making moves with these chips that they're putting in people's brains. They've restored hearing. They can control tremors. They've restored vision. And then they're talking about what the brain implants could do in the future. I think this is just a new Johnny Depp movie. Yeah, pretty much. The thing that caught my attention was matrix-like automatic learning where they said that improvements could recreate the matrix. Basically, what they're saying is... It might be possible to use neuro compilers to input the results of a year of training into the brain all at once. Wow. That's awesome. In good fashion, my question to all you guys and maybe out for all you listeners out there who want to chime in on this is if you could learn one skill in an hour through this chip, what would it be? Oh, wow. Yes. And it's got to be a funny answer. I might need to bring it on that answer. No pressure. One hour. Okay, if you could have one hour to learn a skill. Well, if there's one skill that you would want to learn and maybe it would take you a long time unless you have this chip and you could learn it in an hour, what would that skill be? I would learn the skill of brew making so I could brew up some delicious angel. Angelino IPA. That is perfect. That is perfect. 6.1%. It's big and bold. It's big and bold. Very big and bold. It's not messing around. 6.1, that's not bad. I don't mean to take the conversation in this direction, but I would probably try, I don't think any man has ever achieved this, the one hour female orgasm. I think that would be something. That's fair. You know what I would do? I would try one hour. I would try to do something that hasn't been done. I would maybe try to negotiate some peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians. I would give like one hour. Just one hour. Oh, man. Just like, I would need to be accompanied by Putin and Biden. Shirts off for both. Naturally. I would probably have to, I would have to have some, some like hummus and some falafel. You know, like I would have to have some, some kind of like neutral offerings, I guess. I don't know though. I would probably try to do something like that. What about you? Well, I was going to say basket weaving, you know, because that's not something I've never done. Shut up. Seriously. You know what? That made me, you know what? Good Lord. What was that? I hope you have diabetes. That's what I thought. Oh, we're going off the rails right now. I think I want to learn how to play the piano. Big music guy. Yeah. Like the actual piano. You couldn't figure out the piano in an hour though. Well, that's what he's saying. With the chip, you could. Yeah, I don't think you understood the question that I posed. I wasn't paying attention. That's okay. I understand. You put a chip in your brain and you could learn something in an hour. Yeah, any skill. Any skill you want. Oh, God. That really opens it up right there. Yeah, that's where I'm going with this. That really opens it up. It helps when you pay attention. Yeah, you can keep your piece trading bullshit. I'm trying. We got a car. We got Warren Holstein calling in a little bit. I know. I got to manage that, guys. The phone lines are flooded. It's rush hour right now. It's rush hour. Oh, guys. Come on now. I told you this was going to be a loose show. All right? And all of our listeners out there, thousands. At least. Millions probably. Just hanging on every word right now. Yeah. If you could learn a skill in a day, in an hour, what would it be? Give us a call. 800-893-9562. It's not 1-800, Dennis. 800-893-9562. Give us a call. Jenny, if you could learn a skill in an hour, what would it be? It's okay. You're bringing more to the table than I was. I would say I would want to learn how to fly a plane. Okay. Ah. That works. That works. That's an actual thoughtful answer. I appreciate that. Yeah, that's a good answer. It wasn't funny, but, you know, it was... Flight? Yeah, flight is cool. Uh, wow. I wish I... This is why I need improv classes right here. I got nothing right now. Um, all right. Well, uh, I think we've milked the hell out of that topic. Um, any more? Anything else? No. I mean... That's all that happened this week. Everything we covered at all. Nothing else matters. I mean, did you hear what I said? No. Uh, we've got comedian Warren Holstein coming up from the fake CNN. Um, he's a very good, funny guy. He was out in L.A. a little while ago. Now he's in, uh, in New York. He's gonna be at the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club in San Antonio, um, from May 7th to the 11th. Uh, you can check him out on WarrenHolstein.com and RebelJew.com as well. That's right, Eric. Uh, he's gonna be with us in just a few minutes. Uh, we're gonna go to a quick break. Uh, we'll be right back here on Sarcastic News Live. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. I'm kind of like a compulsive writing exercise I do. And that's why even after the fake CNN transferred ownership to someone else, I just kind of just kept doing it, you know. And I do it compulsively enough that a lot of times I'm the only one doing it now. Would you say you have more fun writing for the Twitter handles like your own at CNN or the fake CNN, or do you enjoy writing more for your stand-up? It's merged. You know, a lot of times, being that I spend time writing topically, by the end of the week I'll have two or three different angles or ends or I'll have developed a point of view that I'll take it on stage. Some of the things that I talk about on stage or some of my bigger bits on stage have started with a tweet or two. Oh, okay, yeah. And it just kind of gives me the direction to, you know, how I feel about something. You know, especially. With the fake CNN, if you watch it over a week, if there's a story going, there'll be like three or four jokes, you know, at least on that story. And there'll be a certain point of view, and it'll carry on as it goes on. I try to keep it fresh, but you could just keep. Once I hit a chord, I kind of could keep hitting it. Yeah. We're talking to Warren Holstein. He's a stand-up comedian, a very funny guy, who's also the main writer, the main guy for At The Fake CNN, which has 125,000 Twitter followers. Warren, you're also doing, it looks like you are also doing something you wanted to talk about a little bit. It's a web series called The Actress. Is that right? And you do that with your wife, Ankar? Yeah, me and my wife, Ankar, we have a web series called The Actress, which you could see at theactresstheseries.com. And we're in our third season now, which we just raised about, we raised $7,000 to produce this season. And we've done pretty good write-ups. We have this season. We've done a lot of great work. And we have, if you ever watch The Wire, we have this guy, the guy that played Maurice Levy on The Wire. Oh, yeah. He's one of the guys that we got this season. We got Ashley Atkinson. We got Anthony Antomenick from 30 Rock. And that's a pretty popular following. We were just running up in the Huffington Post. Indie Wire just wrote us up. Crushable wrote us up. And we're actually going to do our season finale next week. Wow, that's great. That's a little mazel tov. Congratulations. Hold on, hold on. Wait, oh, no. What happened to our season finale? We had our sound effects, Jenny. You're napping over there. I had a clapping sound for you, but it's not. Now I just have the clap. You know, you guys could just clap. Hell, yeah. There we go. I mean, we could, but. It's not like a calculator, you know. Better win the sound effects, all right? That's all we did for the first half of the show anyway. You can check that out. TheActressTheSeries.com. It's called www.TheActressTheSeries.com. Warren Holstein from At The Fixing. And you are also playing at the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club in San Antonio, May 7th through the 11th. Is that right? That's correct. Do you like doing stand-up more than the writing sometimes? What's your favorite part of comedy? You know, I love all of it, you know. But stand-up kind of pays the bills. And the writing is intermittent. It's when I get hired. I mean, it's mostly freelance, you know. Yeah. So, you know, I love it. I have some side projects that I work on. And then I work on the web series with my wife. And we're trying to pitch that now. But he's had some really great response. And we have a pretty good following for that. But, you know, stand-up is kind of how, you know, that's just what I've been doing for like, you know, 12 years. Yeah. Oh, wow. It's kind of what I know. And, you know, I love doing that, you know. It's got to be, I mean, it's like the most simplistic, but also I'd say the hardest part of any comedy. Like, we do the radio. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's the easiest part is that, I mean, the business can be kind of hard. I mean, you know, a lot of the people that you deal with and then, you know, you have positive and negative relationships with clubs, you know, depending on how they're feeling. But, you know, just doing it is, that I think is the easy part. It's almost like playing a guitar in the beginning. It's kind of hard. But then after you learn how to play, you just kind of know how to play it. You know what I mean? Yeah. You might not always have new songs and you might get sick of playing certain songs. But, I mean, that's where kind of writing for Twitter and writing topical stuff every day kind of keeps it fresh for me so that even if I'm in a, you know, if I'm in a little bit of a rut, I could, things will come to me that will come out of my mouth because I'm writing every day. I'm writing every day topically. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's, I feel like it does. It just, like, what you do there has to feed your stand-up. So it seems like a kind of a good. Even if it's just, you know, even if it's just, like, casually mentioning it in between stuff to the audience or using it as a spring-off place. Yeah. You know, I know what's going on just because, you know, I get up every morning. It's become, like, this thing where I'll just get up at 9 or 10, which is crazy for a comedian, but I'll get up and then I'll just take a nap later. Hey, don't forget Yahoo, man. There's some gems on that site. Yahoo. Oh, I do Yahoo. I do Yahoo, man. I get a system. All right, all right. Perfect. Warren Holstein, thanks so much for joining us tonight. Check him out. It's The Actress with his wife, Ann Carr. You can check it out at The Actress Series, theactresstheseries.com, and also his own personal website, warrenholstein.com or rebeljew.com. And, of course, he writes for the very popular At the Fake CNN. And then also, at Warren Holstein, like, you're everywhere. Good voice. Yeah, man. I have a lot of web presence, man. If you just hit W in the URL, your name will pop up. I know. So, thanks so much for joining us, Warren. Yeah, man. Cool, man. Thanks, guys. All right, thanks a lot. It's Warren Holstein. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for him for joining us here. Now, we've got just about, just under 10 minutes left. I think we've got time to take a very quick break. About a 30-second break. We'll come back and play the very popular, as we always do, we wrap it up with the snake game. Sweeping the nation. Sweeping the nation. So, we're going to go to a quick break. We'll be right back here on Sarcastic News Live. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Wrapping up. We got one more segment left. Did you, what, did you, were you going to leave? No, it's for the hemorrhoid prevention. Oh, oh, yeah. I have to go outside the studio for that one. If you really need to let it air out. Just got to take breaks. This is Sarcastic News Live. We were just talking to Warren Holstein. Very funny guy from the fake CNN. I liked him. Funny guy. Does a lot of comedy. He's everywhere. Very popular segment coming up here. Sweeping the nation. Hashtag sweeping the nation. Hashtag sweeping the nation. I'm going to tweet that right now, actually. Hashtag sweeping the nation. Hold on. Yeah, well, I'll write it in a second. Yeah, do it. Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have a sound effect for this? Do we have an intro song for the snake game? This is the snake game we're about to play. There we go. Boom. We're talking, we're talking. This is hashtag sweeping the nation. It's called the snake game. Very popular. It's going everywhere. It's going viral. Give it up to Jake the snake cranny. Take it away, snake. Thank you, Justin. You guys know how this works by now. Quotes from the weekend news. I will say the quote, give you two options as to who said it. Okay. Correct answer. Gets a point. Who are we playing for tonight? I'm playing for myself. I'm playing for pride. I'm playing for dignity and I'm playing for some hashtag respect. Okay. Eric Feldstein, who are you playing for tonight? All right. Are you playing for, are you playing for, uh, I'm playing for myself. The boys and girls club of Guatemala. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Actually for Jenny, Chad and I. The boys and girls club of Guatemala. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it. Quote number one. I attended bar for 16 years and they were all jerks. Every other person you wanted to shoot. Ooh. Uh, Jenny McCarthy. Was that a, a comment from a bud tender at a four 20 day celebration or B a comment from Billy Bob Thornton on the set of the new show Fargo. I, you know, Fargo sounds more relevant than the bud wiser guy or the, what was it called? The bud, the bud tender, the bud tender. Um, I'm going to go Billy Bob Thornton who also probably is the bud tender. He probably might be. Yeah, really? Well, I was going to say, you know, Billy Bob Thornton and, uh, what was the other thing that was a reference on the set of the new show Fargo? Yeah. Fargo and Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton. Two of my favorite things. Okay. Yeah. Both incorrect. Oh, bud tender from a four 20 day celebration earlier this week. Really? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Zero to zero. Okay. Let's see how this game's going to go. Moving right along. All right. Quote number two. All right. If you see it more than twice, people think you've been drinking. Uh, the sarcastic news live radio show. Uh, my penis. Both very true answers. Was that a or B? Yeah. Um, was it a president of the Loch Ness monster fan club after a recent sighting or B Charles Barkley on Kevin Durant's incredible four point play against the Grizzlies? Take it away. Feldstein. Oh man. These are tough. Kevin Durant. It's four point play. You're making me do algebra here. Yeah, really? All right. You're trying to make me read French. They can score four points in basketball. I think it's going to be a, I think it's a basketball. Both incorrect. Yeah. Wow. Following me down this dark abyss. I love it. That was the president of the Loch Ness monster fan club. Yes, there is a president of the Loch Ness monster fan club on the recent sighting. Oh man. By Apple maps or Apple satellite or whatever that was. Wow. All right. Scoreless. We got bagels on the board. We got bagels. Um, we got bagels in here. I love bagels. Quote number three. Food. Quote number three. Somebody, somebody is going to get this one right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Anybody in any neighborhood wants to have one? Apparently not a dog that likes to bite lemons. Wayne State. Uh, was that a Jack White on the resurgence of record stores or B McDonald's CEO, Donald Thompson on the tiny new mini Mac, portable McDonald's? Wow. All right. Uh, I'm going to go Jack White in the record store. Did somebody say McDonald's? I think we, I think we have enough McDonald's. I don't think, what is that? The portable? They're little tiny like kiosk McDonald's I just pictured You know what I just pictured like one of those blood mobiles But like instead of putting an IV Or like a drip of fish filet Exactly Or just a grease pan Well I'm glad to announce we have a leader Yeah That was a quote from Jack White On the resurgence of record stores Everybody wants one Fork and mortar record stores Especially hipsters Fork Well fellas time to have great news This last quote Is going to be called a two point tweet Yeah buddy Because I'm going to read a popular tweet from the week And I'm going to give you four possible tweeters I've assembled a great cast of answers for this Guess it correct You get two big points Cross you could either run away with this Or Feldstein you could take it home here Nikki Minaj I'm playing for pride You're just playing for yourself I'm playing for Jenny Yes I'm rooting against Justin Cross As usual Who tweeted the following this week Always push yourself to be better than the day before Hmm Neither Nobody in this room that's for sure No god no Was that A Shoot for C's Was that A Boston Marathon winner Meb Kevla Ziggy B Lindsay Lohan C Oprah Winfrey You look confounded with the Lindsay Lohan one huh She's still alive? I've arranged just a nice little cast here She had a miscarriage C Oprah Winfrey or D Justin Bieber Always push yourself to be better than the day before I gotta go Boston Marathon I'm a runner I've done the marathon before He was an American who won it kind of Kevla Ziggy He's American He's American Don't be that guy I don't think he was born in America But it's fine Alright I think it was Meb Kevla Ziggy Well I'm not sure if I'm going to win this one I'm no mathematician But if I pick the same answer as Justin I can't win That's correct I guess that gives me a free pass to go for gold Oprah Oprah Don't go for Oprah Alright Always push yourself to be better than the day before That was a tweet from Justin Bieber Oh wow You knew it? You knew it Which well Justin Bieber is just on her Twitter wall I follow him Yeah exactly The Biebs The Biebs He was pissed that Sazerup got cancelled So how could you ever even think that that would be it? Oh man, wrapping up Do you have the music one more time? So Justin, congratulations to yourself, you're going to get the prize this week Playing for myself, baby Playing with yourself If you're watching on camera Angel City Brewery Yeah, Angel City Brewery, everybody I started stripping down there, but all you got to do is the undershirt, so shirt. Is that why it got so hot in here? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You burned a hole through my shirt. I have melanoma. I'm like wearing an undershirt. I didn't want to blind you guys from the whiteness. It really is. By the way, Jake, you were going to tell us about the beer. Who were in the top? Give us five beers. We got an extra minute or two. All the beers you should not drink. All the cheap stuff. The Buds, Bud Light, Miller Light, Corona. All that stuff has a bunch of terrible stuff in it. The big one was Newcastle Brown Ale. That one has caramel coloring in it, which has ammonia in it, which is going to give you cancer. So stay away from Newcastle. Was Guinness on there too? I thought I saw Guinness on there. Guinness was, and then there was an edit to that and it says Guinness has contacted us and they no longer use this ingredient so drink a bunch of Guinness and you'll be very healthy. Brought to you by Guinness. Where did you read this, by the way? On the internets. Interwebs? It was on one of the interwebs. Was that on at the fake CNN? It could have been. Or the real CNN. Neither is very true. Wow. On that note, drink some Angel City Brewing Company beer. All organic in the Angel City Angelino IPA. Big, bold, smooth. Just what I needed. Guys, it's been fun tonight. Just three dudes hanging out with three dudes and a girl. Who doesn't like to talk, who doesn't like to speak up when she knows the right answer of Justin Bieber's Twitter feed, but that's okay. I didn't want to make you guys look bad. She didn't want to give you the answer because you were playing for yourself. Well, I was going to say, if you don't, the thing is, is that you, we're bad. So you don't have to make us look bad. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're just bad. Badass. My name is Justin Cross. I'm Jake the Snake Craney, Eric Feldstein. You guys have been listening to Sarcastic News Live. Check us out. SarcasticNewsLive.com. We're also on Twitter at SNLive1. We got like, we got almost 8,000 Twitter followers. We're right there with Warren, you know. I think modestly popular is how he put it. We're modestly popular. And check out these other Skid Row shows. I mean, we've got... Ginger Lynn. Ginger Lynn. Vick the Brick. Vick the Brick. A lot of other porn shows. So we've got a lot of stuff on here. So there's, yeah, there's that. There's that. There's that. There's that. Yeah. Yeah. We're also on Facebook. So check us out. Go online. We've got new articles, new tweets going up every day. We're a lot of fun. We're just, we're a great guy and we're humble too. For Jake the Snake Craney and Eric Feldstein, my name is Justin Cross. We're here next week. Who's our guest next week, Jake the Snake? Los Angeles rock band Stone Feather will be on the show next week, live in the studio. Nice. And they are, they've been featured on GroundSounds.com, right? Yeah. They've been all over the place. They're, they're great guys. They'll be good. They're going to be big. Stone Feather. Mm-hmm. Stone Feather. Mm-hmm. Will be our guest next week. We're very excited to have them in studio, musical guest. Again, for Eric, Jake, myself, Justin, and Jenny in the back, this is Sarcastic News Live. We'll be back next week. We love you all equally. See, I've been here for 28 years. Padded sweat beneath these wheels. Tattooed lines beneath our skin. No surrender, my Bobby G. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.