That is Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Welcome to An Exposed Secret. I'm Martha Nix-Wade and I want to welcome you and thank you for tuning in to Skid Row Radio. Sorry, Skid Row Studios.com. An Exposed Secret, we will be shining a spotlight on a subject that many people find difficult to talk about, which is sexual abuse. And the primary way in which we can protect our children, break the cycle of abuse, and encourage survivors is to just talk about it. And so that's why I'm here. I'm here to talk about the issues surrounding sexual abuse. And tonight I'd like to start by sharing what led me to this point, to found a non-profit organization. Our name is A Quarter Blue. We represent a quarter of children who will be left blue from the trauma of sexual abuse. And not only do we work on preventing this crime against children, but we work with victims and their families to help restore their lives. And you need to know why I came to this point. I was four years old. And my parents shifted from one church to another. And one of the first people that we met, he was very, very friendly. He and his wife were second grade Sunday school teachers. And he was a World War II vet. And his wife was also a World War II vet. She was a nurse. And so they were iconic. And they never had children. And yet people always said, they love children so much, but we need to let them spend time with you. And their house was exactly the place. This is where a kid would want to be. This will actually show my age, but it was very exciting to go to their home and play on a seesaw or go on the swing set or a battleship. We loved being at their home. And there were so many kids who would be over at their home during the course of my childhood. And at the same exact time, I was on television. I was at NBC Studios. I was on Days of Our Lives. I played Janice Horton, Mickey and Maggie's adoptive. And during the week, I was a working child actor. And on the weekends, very often if I weren't in dance lessons or doing charity events, I was over at this couple's home playing. Because my life wasn't filled with play. It was filled with work. And so I loved going over there. But what I really didn't realize is the whole time I was being groomed for his purposes. He was a man. He was insidious. And insidious is when someone is acting seemingly harmless and they're very subtle. And the whole time, they're actually intending to deceive and entrap and harm a child or their family. And so I look at what he did is just horrific because he was not of pure mind. His whole time, he was looking at how he could trap me in a life of sexual abuse. In the beginning, it seemed... It seemed innocent. Every child wants to learn how to drive. So sitting on his lap, learning how to drive a car was very exciting. Because I was working and life was very conditioned to go to Disneyland and look at the dancing waters. I loved it. I loved going there. I loved going to McDonald's. I loved going and having double scoop ice cream. But the whole time... The whole time. He was looking at a way to set me up and where I wouldn't want to leave that life. And the whole time, he was thinking, how can I have this family trust me? And I will be trustworthy to them where they will just let their daughter come over. And that's exactly what happened. My parents were blindsided by his good nature or his seemingly good nature because there was nothing good about what he was doing to me and to countless other girls. And I was like, I'm going to go to Disneyland. I'm going to go to Disneyland. I'm going to go to Disneyland. For at least five years, he was sexually abusing me. And my abuse at least started by the age of seven. And we met him when I was four. So my guess is from the age of four to seven is when he was what's called grooming me. That means when a pedophile is trying to have sexual relations with a child, they groom them. They see if they will be trusted with things such as letting them sit on their lap to drive the car or tickling them. How are they with physical? How are they with sexual touch? How are they with small secrets? I don't remember at any time him threatening me. But many children are threatened and that's why they don't tell. I don't know why I didn't tell ultimately except for the fact that I didn't understand what was happening to me. No one within my family had explained to me sexual touch, sexual relations. And that's what pedophiles are banking on. There's a perpetrator that said, you know, parents are partially to blame. If they don't tell their children about sexual matters. I used it to my advantage by teaching the child myself. And then he goes on to say that parents shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about things like this. For it's harder to abuse or trick a child who knows what you're up to. And that's my desire that parents will become comfortable sharing with their kids about what sex is. And about how there are people who aren't good at heart. They may appear to be good. They might be uncomfortable. They might be a coach, a religious leader such as my perpetrator. They might be a family member. And they're probably going to be the family member or the coach that everybody loves. And no one would ever believe that that was the truth about that person. For me it came public. It became public about 20 years ago. I was in my 20s. And I got a call and a pastor who was still working at the church. He said, did you have a child? I said, no. I was in church. He said, did anyone act inappropriately to you in church? And my first reaction was, oh crap, it came out. I didn't truly understand at that moment what had happened to me my whole life at my childhood. Because what I did when the abuse was taking place, I did what many victims do. I dissociated. I went elsewhere. I could tell you very detailed information about his home. What the best thing was. And I could tell you how much of a bed spread felt like. Where the pictures were in the bedroom. I could tell you how many blinds there were in the room. But I couldn't tell you what was happening to me. Only that I didn't like the feeling of being left with what I thought were wet kisses. Now, it absolutely was more than wet kisses. It drives my husband nuts that I say wet kisses. Because he knows what happened. But my mind logged it as a child understood it. I had only learned about kissing. And I didn't like the feeling of being left wet. But now I know as an adult that that wetness was many things. And when it came into the light about what happened to me, I started to work through those feelings that I had that were uncomfortable. And why I had worked so hard over the course of my life to protect this man. Because about a year before I got that phone call, a student said to me when I read a letter that he wrote that was just amazing. It was very encouraging. She said, oh, that guy creeps me out. He French kissed my aunt. And I was like, uh, uh, uh. And my first response was not a wake-up call. It was, oh, my gosh, that's one of the things that happened to me. I jumped into protecting him and protecting his reputation. Because to the public, he did so many things. He did so many good things in helping other people that I didn't want to get in the way of what he was doing. And then I knew that he did it to another girl. I didn't want that to get in the way of what he was doing, too. So I went into protecting him. And very often victims do that. That perpetrator has spent such a long time building that relationship with that child that we become their best advocates. That we will stand up for them of their kindness. And how much they love children. And how much they love children. And it's very, very strange. I had one woman who I was working with. And she was just about ready to go into therapy. We were right there. And she said, you know, you've spent a lifetime protecting someone. To turn around and realize that they did something wrong is very difficult. And ultimately, she didn't get the help that she needed. She still stood up for that man who abused her for much of her childhood. And that's a peculiar relationship we have with our perpetrators. Because what they've done is they've taught us that what they're doing is love. And for us to start dealing with our abuse quite often, we're realizing that a large portion of our life, we were not loved by the person we spent much of our time with. And that's very, very difficult. And you need a strong support system around you to face that. And I'm thankful that I did have that support system. When I got that phone call and I started to share with that pastor about what happened. And I said, well, if that's how you found out about me, and I'll tell you in a moment how he found out about me. These are other girls whom you might want to talk to. What happened was, is they were sharing about how they had a need for people to work with kids. And this couple who had worked with children for many years got up to share about their experiences, second grade Sunday school teachers. Sound familiar? Second grade Sunday school teachers. And one of the women in the audience sitting next to her husband, she said, oh my gosh, he's still working with kids. We have to do something. So she went to the pastor and shared with him what happened to her as a child. And she said, you might want to talk to Martha Nix because he used to show me a picture of her when I was in junior high. And I've always wondered if it happened to her too. And so during that summer, that pastor found out about the two of us. And then he checked into the school. And then he checked into the women's names that I gave him. And they found woman after woman who had been victimized by this man over the course of their lives. And we ranged in age for over 20 years. I mean, there were people 20 years older than I was. There were people 20 years younger than I was. So 40 years actually. And he used the same, the same sick setup for each one of us. And he said, I'm going to tell you something. It's a blessing in the blessing of blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing gives blessing in blessing because blessing relationships with children, they are in positions of trust where they have so much access to kids, whether it be a church, a baseball field, a volleyball court. They are seeking to be in places where they will be trusted because see the average parent, especially now, I mean, not when I was a kid, but now they're thinking, oh, they've done all their background checks. Well, that's assuming that that person has been convicted of a crime. If you went to Megan's law right now and looked up my perpetrator, you would not find him. He has not spent a day in jail. Why is that? Well, what happened is when it came out 20 years ago, I was within the statute of limitations, but all I remembered were quote unquote, wet kisses. And I thought, you know, they're going to laugh me off the stand. And I want to be. I want to become healthy. I want to dive into counseling, get healthy. So I will have a strong marriage. I was ready to get married to who's now my husband. And I wanted to focus on that. So for a year I was in therapy, thought it would take 365 days to be healed. Yeah. Okay. Reality is we spent a lifetime healing through what happened to us as children. And it's not 365 days, but I didn't know that at the time. So I was committed. I was committed to counseling for that year. And I didn't want going to trial to kind of get in the way. Now I wish I would have done things differently, but you can't turn back the clock. But later on, which is now 11 years ago, I got a phone call from the police department and they were reopening the case. They had a woman who called in and said, whatever happened to that, that guy, isn't he in jail? And they said, no. And so they wanted to try, to file against him. What we had found out within that 10 year period is that my niece was also a victim of his. And my niece was not in the support group that I was in. What happened after the church found out they excommunicated him, they started a support group. They started a support group for our parents, our spouses or boyfriends, and they started one for us. And every Monday night, about 10 women, we sat down together, and worked through our issues. And our stories were amazingly similar. And it was, brought us a comfort to be together for that year. Because my niece was not in that group, they chose to build the case around her because he was such a creature of habit, that if we told you our story, it was looked like we borrowed one another's stories. Literally, we could finish one another's sentences. Here's an example. One day we were sitting in a room and we were talking about our story. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how to make this story. And I was like, I don't know how to make this story. And Oh, my goodness, I went to McDonald's and I froze. Because that's the place where he used to take me for an all 10 of us in unison said, cold French fries. Now what's up with that cold French fries. What we were able to figure out was he would drive up in his camper and we were up in the bed. And he would squawk Bacchus ask what we want. None of us know if we asked for hamburgers, and he goes, Well, I have a French fries. Well, I have a got his french fries anyways and then he would evidently pull up into that parking lot and then something happened and the only thing we remember eating was cold french fries well why were they cold because we had to earn that reward he bought us piping hot french fries and something happened and then we were eating cold french fries so we know that we were each sexually abused in that camper but we can't tell you what it was because we dissociated we went elsewhere so we weren't consciously feeling the pain and the confusion and even though my niece could say the same exact thing it seemed like her testimony would be pure because she was not in that group so they built a case around her and it was sentencing day and he was going to plead guilty and get a sex offender card and be on probation for seven years and then the judge reread the evidence and he decided that if he sentenced him today he was going away but because that wasn't the plea agreement they had to start all over well before they started all over the statute of limitations changed in the state of california and my perpetrator went free you he is currently living in san diego and is in a retirement community and has not faced up to what he did on earth to each one of us and in my opinion the judicial system failed us because of the statute of limitations i personally don't believe that there should be a statute of limitations on sexual abuse because for us as victims it's a life sentence and while we don't need to be feeling a sense of being a victim and living a victim life it's something we will always deal with and i want to open up the call lines to you if you have any questions for me and we want to be here for you and during a course of our time together at skid row studios um we want to not only talk to you about how to better protect children but how to support you as victims as victims of sexual abuse and how to better protect children and how to better protect members of family who have loved ones who have experienced this. So if you want to call in, please call at 800-893-9562. Once again, that's 800-893-9562. At A Quarter Blue, which you can find on our website, acquarterblue.org, we offer different resources so that you can, whether it be you want to train up your preschooler on how they will know how to better protect their bodies, that's available there. If you want to work with your elementary girls, there's a magazine there for them. Or there's a boy book that it was very exciting working with the boys writing it. There were elementary, junior high and high school boys who worked on that. And with the magazine for elementary, high school girls, the high school girls got together and created that magazine out of their own experience. And then we have a teen magazine. We have my personal story, my secret life. If you give a donation to acquarterblue.org today of $15, we will send you my autobiography, and you can learn more about my story. And what led me to this point where, yes, I once was a victim. That is a reality. And I don't call myself. A survivor now because I feel I do much more than survive. There was a time in my life where I was merely a survivor. But today I'm a victor over that. I work very hard to be an advocate for other victims and to protect other kids for never experiencing this. And then I feel in my book talks about it that currently I am a brat, which stands for boldly resolving abuse together. We wanted to come together as a community of survivors of sexual abuse and be advocates. We want to draw insights for you so you can better protect your children and also so you can work through your abuse and realize you are not alone. You should not have any shame. You should not feel any guilt for what happened to you as a child. You didn't do anything wrong. And society sometimes makes us feel like we're in the wrong, whether it be a family member asking us to keep it quiet because that's our family secret. And we don't want to, you know, stir up problems at family events. But I'm sorry, you didn't do anything wrong. The person who's a perpetrator, they need to be the one set outside of the family. Because unfortunately, this is a crime that repeats itself if we don't break that cycle within our families, if we don't expose it with the truth. And we need to help you come to terms with how do you talk about this around your family? How do you talk to your children about this? Because this is a preventable crime. It is believed that. 95% of sexual abuse is preventable through education. Do you get that? 95% of sexual abuse is preventable through education. So if we started to talk about this and didn't tuck it away on a Sunday night podcast and this just became something that we were open about, we would be protecting most children from ever experiencing sexual abuse. And I am so grateful that Jeremy at skid row studios.com has opened this door for us. And he is been gracious to give us this time slot and said, we've got to talk about this. And thank you, Keith Coogan, for having me on your show on skid row studios, the call sheet. And you've had me twice to be open about what sexual abuse is like experiencing it as a child. And what are the effects that we experience? What are the effects that we experience as an adult? And not everyone is as bold as Jeremy and Keith and willing to open up those doors and shed the light upon this subject. And I want to thank you for being out there and tuning in and wanting to become an advocate for children and for other victims of sexual abuse so that they have a place to heal and that we have a way to protect our kids. Once again, let me give you our phone number. It's 800-893-9562. 800-893-9562. I want to give you one way in which you can help protect children. And it's by loving them unconditionally. A lot of times we put conditions upon our love. If you get good grades, you know, I'll love you. If you take out the trash, I'll love you. Well, that's what perpetrators do. If you do this for me, I will love you. And every child wants to be loved. And every child wants to be loved and appreciated. And if they're not receiving that love at home, they will go outside of the home to receive that love. Or if one of the parents is not exhibiting that type of love and the other is using conditional love and the perpetrator is in the home, that child won't have anywhere to turn. Teachers need to be ready to look at those signs within the children and see if they're so eager to please. They're so eager to please. Because that's what most of us as victims are like. We are the ones that they want. We want our teachers to love us. We are the perfectionists. You know, so often people think they're the downtrodden child who looks goth and forlorn. And actually, a lot of times, we're the overachievers who are trying so hard to be loved and accepted. Because that's what we've done as a child. And for me as a child, And for me as a child, child, I was working. I was working for directors and following directions there. I was working for my perpetrator and following directions there. And I was constantly trying to please and constantly left feeling vacant because I was taught by my perpetrator that the only way I was going to be loved and accepted was through my sexuality. So when I came back from the set and I'd be at my elementary school, I was seeking to build friendships and nobody seemed to really want to be my friend because I was that kid on TV. And then that lie came to my head that, oh, yeah, the only way that you will be loved is if you have sexual relationships with these kids. So I started acting out with the kids at school. And for many years, I thought that the only people that I was building relationships with sexually, they must have been abused too. Well, for me, the spotlight, was shed upon the fact that that wasn't true. I had done a radio interview on Romanian television and one woman in Facebook contacted me and asked if I remembered her. And I totally did. She was from elementary school. She was a few years younger than I. And she said, well, do you remember what you did to me? You pulled me into the bathroom and you, oh, how can I say it? You acted out with me as she put quotes around, acted out. And I have no memory of that. At all. None. And I realized that it is very possible that when I was the aggressor, when I was the child predator, I don't remember those times. I only remembered when we were in a mutualistic relationship. We were both what I think we were doing to one another, what our perpetrators had taught to us. Those I remember. And I'm not going to say that I remember that. I remember that I was the aggressor. I remember that I was the aggressor. I remember that I was the aggressor. I remember that I was the aggressor. I planted a seed that they were only good sexually. And that just broke me. And thankfully, both of those women, when I asked for forgiveness from them, gave it to me. I've reached out to another woman who I know I acted out with and she has not returned my phone calls. And I know why. I don't know that I'd want to talk to me either. But I was a child looking for love, literally in all the wrong places. And so, because hopefully you have kids in your life that you want to protect, this is a responsibility of all of ours. Whether we have biological children, adopted children, or we're an aunt. Kids need to know they have a place to turn where they will be unconditionally loved. And let me just give you a few tips in how to unconditionally love the kids who are in your life. Be patient with them. Kids, as we all know, are not perfect. They are going to make mistakes. And we need to be patient with them in that process. Because as I told you before, my perpetrator probably conditioned me for three years. He was extremely patient. The detective who worked my case said he had actually never met a perpetrator who was so patient. And initially, I liked that about him. He was a patient man. He became impatient if he didn't get what he wanted when he was, had conditioned us to be sexual beings. But as parents, as adults around children, be patient with them. Be kind with them when they make errors. And one of the greatest points of love I can tell you is really rejoice in the truth with them. When they make mistakes, they make mistakes. And when they make mistakes, we should resolve the problem with the blessing of blessing and blessing with blessing with blessing So I couldn't tell the truth about many things because of needing to feel perfect. With the kids in your life, give them the freedom to be honest. It's very important. And when they feel that they can be truthful, if something is happening that's uncomfortable, they'll have a place to turn. And hopefully that would be to you if you're a trusted adult who will unconditionally love them. And if for some reason they will turn to you and say, you know, I don't like the way Uncle Joe kisses me. Well, then we shouldn't be making them hug or kiss that Uncle Joe. We need to say, then you don't need to hug him. I don't like being around him. Well, then we don't force it just because they're family. That word just really needs to take a hike out of our language. Well, he just this. He just that. He's just. We need to get rid of. That. If a child feels uncomfortable and they're telling you the truth, we need to say, thank you for telling me the truth that you're uncomfortable. Let's work together on how you don't have to be around him. Are you OK with a fist pump? Are you OK with a high five? No, I don't want to touch him. OK, then we need to be the advocate for that child to say you don't have to high five them. Then. There's no reason for you to be around him if if he makes you uncomfortable. And we need to celebrate when they tell the truth. To us, even if they're telling us the truth that they broke our favorite. Game system. Celebrate that they were courageous enough to tell us the truth. There is nothing that shows more love than them telling us the truth. And we need to celebrate when they do that and when they mess up that we don't continuously remind them of where they're falling short, that we we love them unconditionally. Even when they mess. And that we're not bringing up the past when they did this a month ago. And and remember a month ago when you did that? No. If you've erased the screen and they said, I'm sorry that I did this. You need to let that go and not bring it up again. That's what love is. Letting go of past incidents when they were wrong. And we need to really work on our anger. I know that's one of my issues. That I have to work on. As a child, I was not allowed to be angry. It was not allowed in my home. And so I put a cork on it. I had so much to be angry about, but I wasn't allowed to. And again, having that perfectionist personality in that environment where I supposed to be perfect. I didn't show anger. And so it was like a bottle that was shaken up of carbonation. And all the bubbles. We're stirring up inside. And still, even as an adult, I work through that. I'm not spewing. I don't want to be short tempered. I don't need to be, but sometimes I still am. And when I do that with my family, I really try to say, I'm sorry. That was not right. And that shows love when I'm expressing that I messed up, that I'm sorry that I was quick to anger. That's my responsibility to own up and to work on changing it. And that's my responsibility to do that. Because that will provide a safer environment for my family. And you need to do the same for yours. Provide an environment where the kids can mess up and not be afraid that we're going to just spew all over them. That they become scared to be real. We need to, as we love our kids, really find out who they are. And what they understand is love. I really like this concept of the five languages of love. They. I've written a book, The Five Languages of Love, and there's one for kids. And they have the words of affirmation. And everybody has their own love language. And some kids are just filled when you give them words of affirmation. My daughter's one of those people that when you tell her that she did a good job or you appreciate how she helped in the house, she feels loved. And she will seek it out if we don't encourage her. And that we haven't noticed that she took the trouble. She took the trash out or that. Oh, did you see that I did that? And it just screams that her love languages are words of affirmation. Another love language is receiving gifts. That when someone gives gifts to certain people, they feel loved. And it doesn't have to be store-bought. But when you go out and cut flowers in the yard and you hand them to them, they feel loved. If you write them a note. They feel loved that way because their love language is receiving gifts. I know I try to stick a gift in my kids' lunch every school day. The Rice Krispies have these individually wrapped Rice Krispie treats with a blank palette. And I pull out my Sharpie and I write words to my kids. And not only am I giving them a gift of Rice Krispie treats, which they love, but I'm also affirming them with words of encouragement. And that's a great product to just go buy. And throw it in your kids' lunch. And affirm them that you love them. And you're giving them not only a gift, but you're giving them words of encouragement. Both of which are languages of love. Another language of love is acts of service. That one day you just go in your kid's room and maybe you pick up. That you do something for them. Some kids and adults feel more loved if you do something for them. If you serve them in some way. And others are physical tasks. Some kids are very, very encouraged when you give them a hug, a high five. And they will feel more loved if you do that. But not every person is that way. And then the fifth language of love is quality time. Spending quality time with them. My son really enjoys that. So I know that's one of his love languages. Is when I go out and throw the ball with him. Or I watch surf videos with him. He loves that. feels loved when I spend time with them. And so you have to study your children and know how they feel loved. And you also need to check in with them and say, do you feel loved? Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved? And build that flow of communication with them. So they know your desire is really for them to feel loved and affirmed. And we need to do that so our kids aren't seeking love from unhealthy people. And sometimes they will start seeking love from unhealthy people if we're not feeling that need for them. And for my parents, they loved me deeply, but they had no idea that they truly believe that someone within the church would not reach out and harm someone, that they were who they said they were. They did not distrust him at all. And the signs, that were there, they totally missed because they were not educated. I don't want you to lack education so your kids are in danger. That's why we're here at Anne Exposed Secret. The secrets should not exist surrounding sexual abuse. We need to be talking about them. We need to be speaking about this in our workplace, at our schools. We need to open the doors for schools to have education. We need to be talking about this in our workplace, at our schools. We need to be talking about this in our workplace, at our schools. We need to be talking about this in our workplace, for their staff, for their parents, and even for their kids. So the schools are a safe place to turn. That we don't have incidents propping up where there are two perpetrators found in a school, and a child went to the psychologist and said what was going on and how it made her feel, and the child was told, oh, stop making up stories. You're just so elaborate in what you're saying. Okay, how could a child make up those stories? It is very rare for a child to make up stories surrounding sexual abuse. We just don't have that knowledge. Parents, teachers, we need to open our ears. I often have heard, because I used to be a teacher, noon duty aides who spend their time on the playground, well, I'm just a noon duty aide, excuse me. I think that's one of the most important positions on a school campus, because kids are who they truly are on the playground. Often kids, when they are sexually abused, are hungering to see the naked body or have physical touch or for sexual content. So they're going to be the kid who's looking under the bathroom stall. They're going to be the kid who's telling sexual jokes on the playground that have sexual knowledge that is elementary. School students, why do they know this? They're either seeing something that they shouldn't be seeing or they're being sexually abused. And either way, they shouldn't be exposed to internet pornography or sexual content at an elementary age. That's ridiculous. They don't know what to do with it. And they're going to become addicts and they're going to be acting out with other kids. And who knows what's going to happen, but those kids might not be protected. and they might spend time in juvenile hall because they're acting out because no one taught them what was appropriate. No one was exhibiting to them what was appropriate touch. No parent took the time to sit down and explain to them to protect their private parts to not allow someone to touch them or photograph them. You know, so often parents have said to me, oh, I don't need your materials because I watch my child like a hawk. I know everyone who my child is around. I'm sorry you don't. You think you know that person, but you do not know what they do behind closed doors. Someone who is one way in front of a crowd may be completely different behind closed doors. I've often heard when people see on a blog that someone's being tried for abuse and usually people, underneath where they're having conversations, oh, those parents are so stupid. You could totally see that he's a perpetrator. Oh, he's totally Chester the Molester. What were those parents thinking? It's obvious. You know what? Who looks good in their mugshot? Very few people look good in their mugshot. And so why do we think that just because someone looks the part on a mugshot, that's how they looked when a parent allowed their child to spend time with that perpetrator. I know for a fact, when I went into the home of my perpetrator, he wasn't alone. His wife was there. His wife answered the door. One time I asked my mom, I said, mom, did you ever leave me alone with him? And she said, I never would have done that. She was always there. And when I confronted that couple, I asked her, I said, where were you when all this took place? Because you conveniently disappeared when all of this took place. And her answer was, well, I could show you my calendar. Excuse me? What would her calendar say? I'm making lunch while he's around the corner with Martha. I wonder what they're doing. Or, oh, another girl's just coming to my home. I'm glad he can keep them busy playing pool. I don't know what she did in her mind. It's so strange to me because everyone who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family who's in this family the family. One would sit at the piano with her while the other was around the wall, literally in the bed with him. But there was no way that our parents would have known that was going on if they were not trained on things such as you do unexpected visits with people who your kids are spending time with. It's not, I'll be there at 11 and you don't, and you come at 11. No, occasionally you say you're going to be there at 11 and you pop in at nine. You come in a half hour later so that they know that they are never comfortable enough to know that you're not going to walk through those doors. You need to have open conversations with your kids. How did everything go? Was there anything that made you uncomfortable when you were at their home? You need to have open conversations that not everyone is safe, unfortunately, no matter what titles in front of their face. You need to have open conversations that not everyone is safe, unfortunately, no matter what titles in front of their face. You need to have open conversations that not everyone is safe, whether it be aunt or uncle or priest or pastor. Their title means nothing and parents think quite often that their child is protected because they quote unquote know everyone. And it's impossible for you to know who someone is in their heart. You need to train up your kids and empower them that no matter who the person is, your first priority is, to protect them and to give them a voice and hear the truth about how they feel. You need to be an advocate for those kids and love them unconditionally and let them know that you will love them no matter what. You need to be that person where they can turn. We need to give our kids a voice. We need to let them know that their feelings matter. You know, very often when I've been in a courtroom and I've been in a courtroom where there's been multiple victims in one case, there were nine men with one perpetrator and the courtroom lobby was full before we went in for the victim impact statement. And so many of the adults who are around this situation said, you know, when I first met him, I felt something in my gut, but I dismissed it because of how nice he was and how much he did for everyone. And I just thought there's no way that his heart is evil. I don't like that. But in every instant, people have said that they had that nudging in their gut. My dad said something to my mom soon after we met him that he didn't feel something was right with him. And my mom unfortunately dismissed it because she thought that his position is authority and a service to our country and his church. By no way could he be evil minded and evil hearted. My dad felt that, that sick something in his feeling that he said, I don't like the way he kisses Martha. He was right. And my mom should have trusted that nudging in my dad's gut, that intuition, as should each of us. And if our children feel that, we need to validate that and protect them with that feeling that they have. It is amazing. The feeling that children have that screams the truth. You know, I think as we get older and busier, we lose some of that. But kids, even babies, they'll reach out their arms to someone whom they'll feel comfortable with. And at some times they'll pull their arms back and most parents will pry their fingers off of their child and hand them to that person to try and socialize them. Well, what if we just thought for a minute that even though that baby's six months old, nine months old, one year old, that maybe they feel something that's right. And at least at that moment, we need to trust that child and what they feel. I mean, I'm not equating children with dogs, but dogs are the same way. And so often we try to overpower the dog and make them, you know, into who we want them to be. And dogs often put their tail down and back up when they feel threatened. Children do the same thing. And so I think that's a really good point. And so often we ignore that because it's hurting our aunt or it's hurting their cousin or it's being quote unquote rude. I found out, and it's again, another memory I didn't have. I had to be shared with me. A friend, she read my story. I'd lost track of her over 20 year period. And she said, oh my gosh, is that the guy that used to come over for Christmas? She goes, when we were kids, he came over and you grabbed me and you rushed me up the stairs. And your dad said, Martha, stop being rude. Get down here and introduce her. And she said, you were trying to protect me. And she remembers that as clear as day, but she didn't understand it. But even though at that time I was so confused as a little girl and I was acting out with other kids, I know of that incident where I tried to protect my friends so she wouldn't, be hurt by him. And unfortunately, my dad didn't understand it. And he just looked at us or me as being rude to an adult. And that was not acceptable. We need to be very careful how we teach our kids. Sometimes we give them, you know, truths like obey your elder. Well, not all elders should be obeyed because they don't have pure minds. They may have insidious minds like my perpetrator. And when we teach our children certain things like obey your elder, obey your teacher, we don't know that teacher. We don't know that person who's older than them. We need to say, trust your gut. If something feels wrong, you get out of there, you get help. If in the morning you need to find something else to say besides obey your teacher, because you unfortunately truly don't know what that teacher, is like, you could say, do what is right. You know what's right. And you can respect that teacher. And if that teacher does something that you feel is not okay, just go get help. We need to give our children the power that I wasn't given. We need to empower them to think and to know that their opinions matter. We need to empower them to think and to know that their opinions matter. We need to empower them to think and to know that their opinions matter. You want to hear them and you want to get them the help that they need. And if you can't get there right away, that there are places to go to get help. If you feel that counselor is safe, you can go talk to him. If you feel the secretary is safe, why don't you go tell them? If you feel that it's easier to talk to mom about this right now instead of dad, just go for it. But share how you feel. It's very important. Let's give our kids a voice. Let's empower them. If you have any last minute questions before we go off air, feel free to call at 800-893-9562. 800-893-9562. I want to just give you a statistic to make you think. So often schools focus on the stranger being dangerous. However. At least 92% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone you know and trust. So if we spend 100% of our education time about this slimy guy across the street or the stranger at the park. We are endangering our children to the majority of sexual abuse. Later on. In about a month. We'll have Aaron Runyon on. And we'll have a little bit of a conversation with him. And we'll have a little bit of a conversation with him. And we'll have a little bit of a conversation with him. And we'll have a little bit of a conversation with him. And we'll share even though her daughter. Was. Murdered and sexually abused by a stranger. She knows. That we need to train up our children. About. The majority of sexual abuse takes place by someone. You know and trust and that you open your doors to. In your home. Or in a sports arena or a school. It's someone you know and trust. And you. Typically would advocate for. That's why so many children remain quiet. So many adults remain quiet. Because they feel it's going to turn on them and make them look loony. Like they're making up a lie. Because there's no way someone would believe that that person. At that level of authority and that respected could possibly. Do that to them. That's reality. And we need to. We need to shed light on this. We need to open our mouths about this. And if there's any way we can help you at a quarter blue. Please let us know. At any time you could email us. Info at a quarter blue dot org. So that is info at a quarter blue dot org. Ask us your questions. Tell us what you'd like to hear on our podcast. We want to inform you. We want to empower you. We want you to let you know. And we're happy to help you out there as far as support groups and resources. For us at a quarter blue. We have a women's group starting tomorrow in Santa Ana. At 1650 East 4th Street. Suite 201. That's at the Nogales Plaza. And that is from 1130 to 1. And it's a women's support group. Once again that's at the Nogales Plaza. 1650 East 4th Street. Suite 201 from 1130 to 1. If you need a support group. Please let us know. We are willing to create them for whatever group wants them. Whether it be men or children or teens. We have a support group for parents of victims. And the first round is ending this Wednesday. And if there's a need for other parents. Please let us know. And we'll start a support group for you. For parents. Because there's no need for you as parents to feel alone. There are many parents who are in need of support. And we're here to help you. And we're here to help you. And we're here to help you. It's a blessing to have a family who are struggling with what to do now. And how to better help their child. And how to parent them and encourage them. And what to do with what they're going through in the legal system or in their counseling sessions. And they need a community to be with. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. It's a blessing to have a family who are in need of support. And those are available online at a quarter blue.org. We have therapeutic art workshops the first Saturday of every month. And that's a place for you to express yourself through art. And then we'll be celebrating all those artistic works throughout the month of April, which is Child Abuse Prevention Month at art exhibits. And we'll be in LA, Orange and Riverside counties. We're still finalizing where they will be. And so we will have installation art, visual art, and also performing arts during the month of April for Child Abuse Prevention Month. We're here for you Sunday nights, 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. And we will answer your questions as you call in. And we will be giving you so much information to better protect your children, to help you work through your own personal healing process, or if you're a parent of a victim, to help you understand what to do best. And we'll be sharing with you a lot of information about how to get better as a parent. We will have quarterly a roundtable of parents who are experiencing that. So you can hear from various parents through their process of healing and how they're working through that. And you can ask them questions so you're not at all feeling alone because we want you to know you're not alone in this. For at least 25% of our population, a quarter, have experienced sexual abuse and have been left blue from its traumas. But we want you to start to heal. We want to be healed. We want to be there for you. We want to let you know you are not alone. A quarter blue, we are here for you. Again, a quarterblue.org. Email info at a quarterblue.org. If you want to donate, that would be fabulous to keep our work going. If you give a $15 or more donation this week, we will send you my autobiography, A Secret Life. And once again, thank you, Jeremy, for opening up these doors for us to be truthful. Truthful about the facts of sexual abuse and expose the secrets behind it. Thank you, skidrowstudios.com, for being bold enough to face this subject with truth. And as this outgoing song by Stephen Curtis Chapman plays, will you realize that beauty will rise out of the ashes that some of us feel that we're in from our experience as victims of sexual abuse. But as you heal through it, you will find that you are not alone. You will find that you are not alone. You will find that you are not alone. You will find beauty comes out of it. I'm living it. It is beautiful that I get to help parents and help children be better protected and help victims know they're not alone. Thank you. This is Martha Nix Wade saying have a great night. Be safe and love one another. As we awake to what remains And sift through the ashes that are left behind But buried deep beneath All our broken dreams We have this hope Out of these ashes Beauty will rise And we will dance among the ruins We will see it with our own eyes Out of these ashes Beauty will rise For we know Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow! Tomorrow!!!!!!