Three comedians talk sex, goth rock, and cat litter

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Anyway. It's not me. Hey, now we've got a whole show. Sit down. Stop looking at me like I'm going to give you a demerit. You know you're late. You know you're an adult. Just sit down. Just sit down. She was two minutes late. And there's nobody at the door. No. No, I know. I know. Yeah, they don't. Yeah, the security guard's supposed to be there until 8, and he leaves about 7.35. Anyway, enough of that. Enough of this, girl. You got your water there. That's for you. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so. I don't know why I haven't seen you in so long. Oh, we're going to talk about that. Anyway. Yeah, let's talk about it. We got a little show to do. Anyway, so it's the Dark Mart show. If you were tuning in to see Nicole Six, my usual co-host, unfortunately, she's not here. She actually went to a video shoot and then they overbooked. So she's like, I think I can get there. There's no lift where she's at. So she took the bus home. But please go to NicoleSix.com. Go to Amazon.com and get her book, Some Fucked Up Shit. I was just reading Some Fucked Up Shit on the train. And she's a very good horror writer. I was reading a story. Oh, a couple stories. Real crazy twist endings. You'll love it. I've got goosebumps just reading this. So get Some Fucked Up Shit. Sounds pretty good to me. Yeah, I don't think I've ever dined with any of you three ladies. By the way, we have three beautiful comedians I didn't introduce you yet. I'm so flustered. Tuesday Thomas, the producer of the. The Freak Show at the Clown House. Her one woman show, Ordinary World. A lot of stuff. Yeah. She did a movie with Zac Efron. She's been hanging out with NWA. A lot of stuff. That's kept her cutie last week. We're going to talk about that. I saw that. Right next to you. She hangs out with rock stars too. And she used to be a rock star. Now she's a comedian. And as well as a radio host, Repo Radio. You know her. You love her. Bless you. That's Tanya Stroud. Yay. Yay. Yay. And at the end, she's a blogger. She's a writer. She's a comedian. She's wonderful. She's funny. She's beautiful, as all three of you are. She. Yes. I just mentioned it to her. Thanks. She writes for IFC. She does comedy. She does all sorts of stuff. She blogs. She. People go on dates with her and blog about it. Nikki Watts. Yay. Thanks for having me. I've been wanting to have all three of you at some point. And I thought that I was going to. I'm going to book you with our usual crazy drag queens and doms and fetish people and all sorts of stuff. But what happened was Nicole Six couldn't make it this week. So I said, well, one smart and funny woman's not going to be here. Let's pack this through you with three. Have a girls night out. It's going to be fun. Now, are any three of you vegan? I used to be for health reasons. I had to be. Right. And it just annoyed the shit out of me. Right. Tanya, vegan? Only for calorie reasons sometimes. Other than that, I really don't care. Okay. I was. For three years. Well, whether you're vegan or not. That's over. I'll eat meat. Well, whether you're vegan or not, go to Doomy's Home Cooking. That's one of our sponsors. They're right by the M Bar. And I always mess up the address. And that's why I'm looking at the website. I should have this memorized by now. 1253 Vine Street, Los Angeles, California. Right next to the M Bar. Or what used to be the M Bar. The nachos at Doomy's Home Cooking voted one of the ten best nachos in L.A. The only one without meat. They have Philly cheesesteaks, pulled pork, fried chicken. All vegan. All vegan. And you would never know it. They have a Big Mac on the secret menu. Doomy's Home Cooking. D-O-O-M-I-E-S. That's good. Sold. Sold. Totally sold on that. I could barely finish it. It was that. And I have an appetite. It was that big. It was that yummy. Shrimp scampi. Vegan. What? What? Chicken fried steak. Vegan. Jenny will back me up. You wouldn't even know it was vegan. It's amazing. It's really, really good. Okay. You're talking all this food to three ladies who probably were all on diets because we're in Hollywood. Are you going to give us something to eat or are you going to just keep torturing us? Are you going to give us a donut or something? I thought you were going to throw some nuts at us. I got you some water. So Doomy's Home Cooking. Just, yeah, it's wonderful. So if you're ever in Hollywood, and they're open to three o'clock on Friday and Saturday. So after the bars, just go there for late night eats. Don't go to Denny's Crap. Go to Doomy's. D-O-O-M-I-E-S. Is the line out the door at that place? No, no, no, no, no. It's always busy, but I've never not been able to get a seat. Really? Okay. I'm down. That sounds good. That sounds really good. Also, go to our other sponsor, Audible.com. I love Audible. I'm addicted. Oh, I love Audible.com too. I'm putting in female comedians. And look at this. The female brain. There's nothing about... Okay. Yes, sir. Erotic tales of female submission. Female.com. Feminist domination. I don't know how this came up with this list. I know they do have Chelsea Handler. They have Amy Poehler. They have Carlin Classic Gold, which I paid 20 bucks for a long time ago when they had CDs. Free. Go to darkmarkshow.com. Click on the Audible button right next to my smiling face. Okay. And you get a free audio book. Whatever you want. Stephen King books. Whatever. If you... Da Vinci Code. Fifty Shades of Grey. Whatever you want. Listen to it in the car. Here. There's... Yeah. Yeah. At her feet. Powering your femme. Dom relationship. Tips on ideas and wisdom from a long-time female-dominant couple. Eight hours and 50 minutes of pure smut. Sasha Gray was on the show. She wrote a novel. All right. You don't have to sell it to me because if you start going on to timeshares right now... I know. Well, let's move on. Go to darkmarkshow.com. You get a free audio book and a free 30-day trial. Also, our new sponsor, adamandeve.com. Yeah. I will be posting tomorrow along with... I will be posting tomorrow. A special deal. There's one every week for adamandeve.com. I posted one last week. You can still get it. It's on Facebook. Hashtag ain't no beads. Ain't no beads. If you go to our Facebook page, the Dark Mark Show Facebook page, which you can get through Facebook, through darkmarkshow.com, we have 50% off anything. Really? Really. Yay! Please use the link. 50% off. We're all in on Safari on our phone. Please use the link I posted. It's on our Twitter. It's on our Facebook page. And also, we are sponsored by AdamMail.com, the number one gay sex toy store on the internet. We will be posting an Adam Mail. Why did it go quiet? Hashtag elbow grease. Elbow grease. Edelbeads. Edelbeads. I was trying to figure out why. I don't know what the difference is. Between Edelbeads, you get one in one place. That's what I was just thinking. That's why it went quieter. Like the dildo's bigger? Apparently so. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't research it. That's for sure. I didn't research it. Not necessarily. I don't know. And also, before we get going, I have to say, next week I'm going to be performing as part of the Hollywood Fringe Festival. My new one-man show, Blue Balls Knoll. Oh. And it will be at the Complex Theater, Saturday, June 13th at 830. Friday, June 19th at 730. I'm reading this off a computer too. Friday, June 26th. 6 to 1030. If you go to HollywoodFringe.org, you can check out the show, check out what it's all about. Also, if you put in the coupon code GOTH. Well, any of you, if you want to bring you and your friends, your comps, you came on my show. Thank you. But those that have not come on my show, put in the coupon code GOTH. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You guys got to pay. Exactly. $5 tickets. They're 12 at the door. Blue Balls Knoll. My last one-man show was... Hailed. Hailed. Fresh and unexpectedly touching by Backstage Magazine, a first-rate comic who happens to have a goth persona. Go Paul Burchill for the LA Weekly. This is all new, all fresh, all dirty. Yay. And Tuesday, you've actually seen a couple of the portions of the show so far. Because Tuesday does a show at the Clown House. I've done some storytelling there, so I told you. And comedy. And comedy. But I did. My storytelling was about jail and heartbreak. Which, you know, don't we all know about. Pretty much. Pretty much. Pretty much. Tuesday Thomas, now you were... Now you just... I met all three of you fairly recently at really bad bar gigs. I met Tuesday Thomas at the... Springbok. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was Universal Bar and Grill. Yes. I'm one of those Sunday night... I think it was a crispy... Crispy. Crispy comedy show. Crispy comedy show. One of the marathons. Right. So I was sitting there just... Or it might have been the night of the 100 comments. I don't know. But I was sitting there like... You know, I heard the same comics, the same thing. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You come on. I was like... And I was like, she knows what she's doing. She's a pro. Oh, thank you. She's very funny. She had the material down. Now, you were born in New York? I was. I was born in New York. Where in New York? In the city. Okay, so... Yeah, born in the city. In Manhattan. Well, we lived in Red Hook, you know. Because I'm a New York person. People was like, hey, hey, New York's a big place. Where'd you get on? You know, it's funny. You know, the accent thing comes. And it kind of sounds really shitty of me to say, but it's lack of education. So I had a good education. You know, I was lucky enough to have that. You don't really have that kind of accent. But, I mean, I remember being like walking over a dead body at 12 on the street. You just... I mean, New York was a place then. It was the most dangerous city in the world. Really? Yeah, it was. Yeah. And it was bankrupt. I mean, it was crap. The East Village was burnt. It was burnt out. It was like, you know, what they... When you see Fallujah, pictures of Fallujah and all that now, that's what the East Village looked like. Right. Just, I mean... Before the gentrification. Rubble. Yeah. I mean, people were running in there and squatting. And, you know, we had little... I don't know if you remember Juicy Juice. You know what Juicy Juice is? It's a juice box. Okay, it's a juice box. It used to be in this little plastic... It looked like a little barrel. Right, right, right. A couple inches high. Right. And there was Juicy Juice bottles full of little... Of water. Of water. Like every so often in the East Village. And what they were was for the junkies to come run out and, you know, draw from and go back into wherever they were. And they were just left out clean water for it because... So it was like Junkie Juice. Yeah, Junkie Juice. So that was your childhood. Yeah, kick one over and boy, there was hell to pay. Right. Get out of the woodwork. Because, I mean, they're like in these abandoned buildings. They have no water or anything. They need water. So, you know... Fill up some... Who knows where they got that water from. Exactly. If it was even water. But, you know, it was kind of heart-rendering. Kind of touching. That... You know, they all looked out for each other and just left the water every so often and weren't greedy about it. Let's all have water. Why can't California be that way now? Let's all have water. But don't drink it. Put it in your needles. Right. Draw from. Nikki seems to have a comment on this. Do you? Or no? Oh, what? About junkies? No, I don't know. You were like... About water? Well, I'm just like... Those were just, I guess, just such simpler times when, you know, we actually took care of each other. Yeah. Junkies took care of each other. Junkies taking care of each other. Now it's just like you see a dead body. I mean, I think... Because of your nostalgia for people squatting on the street, we are in downtown LA, so... I really am. Well, that's what brings you to the point, like, where I grew up, wherever you grow up, I think that you really think that the whole world is like that. Right. So when you leave your area, things that you're not used to is what's surprising to you. And when did you... And that's why nothing surprises me. And when did... Why did you leave your area? Well, I mean, I left a few times. I was well-traveled. Right. I just got too cold there. Right. Right. I just got too cold. But I go to different areas, and I hear people... Like, when I moved to LA, people are like, oh, my God, I was in downtown LA and in the bums, and I was over near the fishing district in Skid Row, and I'm like... So I'm thinking, okay, well, there's something for me to watch out for if I go over there. And I go over there, and I'm like, what the hell are they talking about? This is easy. Hey, by the way, who are you talking to? Catherine Hepburn? What was that? They're like junkies, and I don't know, and it's downtown Skid Row. Well, that's how... You hear that. These people in LA are just... They're just so white. They're just so white. They're just fucking white people. They're just so... Yeah. What I can't get over is that whole awful Fallujah picture you painted, and yet you're blonde. Like, you came out blonde, so, like, everything's okay now. I walked through Harlem. I had friends in Harlem, and I remember walking through Harlem, you know, at 21 years old with the big butt I have and blonde hair and just thinking nothing... You don't know. You're so used to it, you don't think you're in danger. Looking back on it nowadays, I was like, I'm gonna get killed. I could have been dead. I could have been a statistic. Why would I do that? But you just... Somebody could have muttered, what was your ass? I mean, who the fuck are that? I lived in New York City, though, for eight years, and, like, I lived on the, like, Lower East Side, then I lived on the Upper East Side, but I used to get my fake hair. I used to wear a lot of fake hair, and I would get it in Harlem. Yeah. And I'm 20. I was, like, 18. I'm picturing you with a weave right now. It's not pretty. Well, it's just I would wear this fake, like, 60s, like, bouffant big hair. I just like big hair. I still love big hair. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But they would... The guys would holler at me, because of my booty. They're like, psst, Snow White. Snow White, let me get a chew. Let me get a chew, Snow White. I'm like, he blessed me? I'm like, oh, not today. I've always liked the comments that used to go... I'm here for the chicken and the hair. And get my nails done. They'd be like, where did that white girl get that juicy ass? The first time I heard juicy ass, I was like, oh, my God, do I need to go wipe that? It's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life. It's the juice box story that you just told. I mean, this is... This was before J-Lo, too. Just before J-Lo got big. Everybody was like, oh, where'd that white girl get that big ass? And then after J-Lo, they're like, ooh, she in style. She in juicy ass. And then it went out of style, and then Kardashian brought her back into style. I like a juicy ass. And, you know, that brings me to our next guest, Tanya Estrada. Now, Tanya, the first time I met you was at, I believe, The Little Rock. Uh-huh. A show that our friends Ryan Tomo and Big Mike co-produced, which is an ironic... An ironic coupling, but I'll leave it there. And same thing. You came up there. I was like, well, first off, I, you know, all three of you, when I saw you, I was like, wow, hot. But, I mean, there's a lot of beautiful females doing comedy. Well, everybody's doing fucking comedy. My drag queen does comedy. But, you know, you came on. You had skills. I mean, it was like, you know, it was a night where there wasn't a big crowd, but you were good. Thank you. But that wasn't the first time I actually saw you. Because you used to be the guitar player for the goth band Ophelia Rising. Yeah. Yes. So... Did you recognize me when you saw me in comedy? Not at all. Because I remember, like, the second or third time I talked to you, you mentioned it. And I was like, holy shit. Way back in 2003, I happened to be at Bar Sinister. Uh-huh. And Ophelia Rising was playing. And Ophelia Rising was a terrific band. And their big thing was they would throw cupcakes at the crowd at the end, right? Yes. I got a lot of cupcakes. And just so... I'm getting down. Tuesday and Nikki, just our viewing and listening audience, this is a little taste, just a little taste of Ophelia Rising. This is from the Marilyn Manson tribute album. This is you on guitar doing Speed of Pain. Mm-hmm. Oh, cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Our throats Like we were flowers And our milk Has been Devoured When you want it It goes away too fast Sometimes you hate it It always seems to last Just remember When you think you're free The crack inside your Fucking heart is me Oh, the rain Just keeps me band for another day. Well, I've been corrected. Tanya Estrada did not play on that particular track, but you played with that band. Yeah, that was the band that I was in, Ophelia Rising. I was the guitar player. Oh, I was the guitar player. But that particular song... I would have played guitar on that. Right. Were you already out of the band by that time? No, the band had done that particular track by the time that I joined. That was one of the releases that was out. And that's when we did our EP, Acknowledge That You're a Part of the System. My girlfriend has that in Ophelia Rising shirt. I don't know if she still has it. Yeah, that's funny. That's cool. My girlfriend at the time, not now, but I'm single, ladies. So, you were 19 when you joined Ophelia Rising? I was 21, 22. Right. So, I'm 37 now. You were young. But you've always played guitar? I played guitar, so I have my rock star wings. By the time I was 23, I was considered a rock star. And you know the kind of band that it was. It was a Marilyn Manson-backed band. We were the female Marilyn Manson meets Victoria's Secret along with Betty Crocker. And, you know, there was clubs that would ban us because we would just fuck everything up with those cupcakes. Oh, my God. It was so funny, but we didn't care. The way that everything was at Theatrix, it was really one of the last girl bands that really was out there that was very popular. Right. And then, you know, the reason nobody remembered me, I know, is because I was 250 pounds back then playing guitar. Yeah, I was huge. I was really, really big. And I was like maybe like two, maybe between two and 250, but you know how gothic girls are. Like, we're really good at hiding our weight, right? Because we just wear like... Yeah, you just, you know, you just wear a, what is it, like a potato sack and you put a rope around it and you're gothic. Yeah. And you got the black lipstick. Honestly, that's why I was drawn to the goth scene because first off, I'm colorblind and I'm overweight, so I filtered into a long stone. But also, the girls, bigger girls are fetishized. Yes, yes they are. And I like a bigger girl. I like a curvy woman. Yes. So gothic worked for me. And then, you know, the whole corset thing worked good, too. Right. Because I've always had a small waist, even though I was big. It was my humongous butt that carried all the weight back then. I'm Colombian. That's how we carry it. Apparently, this is the humongous butt show. Yes. Italian. Over here, we carry it back there, too. Cue the mix a lot. I know. I was just thinking that. So, were you born in L.A.? I was born in L.A. right here on Hope and 14th at California Hospital. Oh, wow. They should hold a shrine for you. Maybe I should go there. A recta statue or something. They should. If they don't, we'll just go throw cupcakes at that building. Do you have any strange junkie stories from growing up in downtown L.A.? Or did you even grow up in downtown? I grew up in L.A. in Olympic and Harvard, which is where kind of the riots started a few years later. I moved in 89. My parents moved me to La Puente because I was about to transfer over to middle school, which was John Burroughs, which was like where all the gangs were. And by then, my parents were already actually using another address to take me to Koreatown, so I wouldn't go. And I was going to Korean school, like infiltrated and protected in Korea. It was funny. So, I survived. I survived all the murdering that was going on with all the Salvadorians that were coming over like in the late 70s, early 80s. That was all through my neighborhood. You know what? They were just basically killing anyone just to prove that they were there and it was their neighborhood. So, my parents boned out at the right time. And they're like, we gotta get away from all these cholos. So, then they found a house in La Puente. They didn't know that all the cholos had gotten scared first and left already and moved to La Puente. So, yeah. Those are cholos you can live with. Define live with. You're still alive. I am, but like I didn't really, I didn't hang out with cholos. I wasn't really, even then in La Puente, like I was still like a rocker chick. I was always a rocker chick. But, you know, growing up there, I learned a lot of cholo elements. And unfortunately, even the accent in my voice, I hear it as I'm talking. It's so La Puente. Like, you know, everybody's like, are you Mexican? I'm like, no, I'm just from La Puente. Oh, you hate that, don't you? You must. Because you hate that, don't you? You must. Because every Latin person, if you fuck up their country, they hate you. I'm like, I'm Colombian. I'm like, I'm like not even Mexican-y. And I think I've seen you go off on somebody when they're like, oh, you know. That it's the same thing. Yeah, Mexican, Colombian, it's the same thing. I'm like, Mark, hold my purse. Hold my purse. That's something I heard in New York. Somebody hold my baby while I cut her. And I gladly will, and then I'll go through it. But yes, you got a lovely, vibrant collection in there. Yeah, but no junkie story like per se. You know, I like- I like the fact that I was actually very well protected. And you've become friends with Marilyn Manson. Yeah, that was actually very weird how that happened. I was like, maybe- Well, we're all about weird, so please- Right here for you. I don't want to hear the weird story about Marilyn Manson. This is just, no, this is just weird how this just happened. How is Brian these days? He's great. He just left, I believe earlier this week, to go back on tour. Right. He's going to be gone through June in Europe. And he comes back in July. I think he's going to play all the Southern California shows. So what's the weird story? How did you meet Marilyn Manson? It was just kind of what happened. Like a little girl that dreams, you know, kind of thing. And it was just odd. I've always read books on different things. And they always said, like, if you really wanted something, and you really wanted to wish for it, to write it down on a piece of paper and tuck it under your mattress. Right. So this is so weird, you guys. I feel like a total creeper. Right? I feel like a creep fuck right now. So I wrote. Creepy is the name of the show. Creepy fuck right here. So I got a piece of paper. And I wrote. And I said, I wish that one day I would be best friends with Marilyn Manson and hang out. And he would laugh at my jokes. And we would laugh. Wait, when was this? I was like 15. OK, good. How many years did it take to come true? Well, I was playing in that band by the time I was like 21, 22. So I was like with her. I was in the circle of within seven years, I was within the circle of trust. And but I never really kind of went around or hung out like I did like in a group, like certain events, but not regularly. And then he started prank calling my house in 2007, I think it was, because he was hanging out with Lexa. Was it Lacing or Velfila Rising? Yeah. So they would call, you know, like, Tonya can't come over because she's married and stuck at the house. But we could prank call. So they would prank call. But I never really came out. But then. Wait, wait, wait a second. Now, what is a Marilyn Manson prank call sound like? I got to hear this. What would he do? Is it the Prince Albert and the candy? Do whatever. I don't even remember. It was just kind of stupid. I think he. Did he order pizzas to your house? I mean, what kind of prank calls would he do? No, it wasn't nothing though. Just being dumb. Like I can't even really just. You'd have to ask Lexa. She knows every single Marilyn Manson story ever. I love to have Lexa on the show. Tell her to come on. You tell her. You know her, I don't. I do. I do. Go tonight and write on your pillow. I want to hang out with Lexa. I want her on my job. And in seven years it'll happen, Marv. You should just bring her on. That's not worth. I'll hit her up. I haven't talked to her in a while because I've been very busy. I'll research it. Yeah, hit her up. She'd love to come on. She's got a bunch of stuff going on. I'm just picturing Marilyn Manson. Hello, is Tanya there? She'll tell you. Ask her the story. She knows it better. I don't remember. I smoke a lot of weed. Is your refrigerator running out? I was just about to say that. Hey, what are you saying there, jerky? I mean, what was he doing? No, no. Ask her. Those memories are more, are replaced by the memories. They're replaced more by what's happening. How did you actually meet him and start hanging out with him? In 2011, I think it was, Nick Kushner had his show, that blood drawing show over at Servatoo. Remember? Servatoo Studio? Right, right, right. So he was there. Manson showed up. I was there and I'd been hanging out with everyone on a regular basis. And we talked for a second. He was really nice. And I don't know, maybe it was about a month later, he called me up on a random Sunday afternoon and asked if I wanted to come over and listen to the new album and tell him what I thought. I think it was the high end of low. It was high end of low. Right, right, right. And so- How did you tell him it sucked? No, it was awesome. And then the cool thing, the cool thing, because since I've been playing music for so long, I have a really good ear. Everybody's got an opinion. Go ahead. So I told him my suggestion, how I thought the track should come out in order or be released. That's great. And he released it like that. It was so cool. I loved that. I loved that. I loved that first song. So that was amazing. And I was there, I stayed for about an hour and a half and I said, I got to go. I got to get to Target. You have a good night. Thanks for having me over. She's going home. She's Marilyn Manson. I got to go to Target. I had to, you know? I had to. I had to get some stuff. Yeah, it was that time. Yeah, I had to get some stuff. Oh, that Target run. Yeah. Do I have to say why? Like, I got to go. That kind of Target run. Okay, I got it. Nikki doesn't menstruate, but we're talking about Nikki Watts here. No, you menstruate, don't you? No, actually. Okay. I haven't had a period since 2009, maybe. Really? Oh, yeah, because I'm on that birth control. Oh. Oh, really? Depp or Pervera. I was just kidding. You actually don't menstruate. Interesting. I know. It's the best thing ever. And I'm not even getting laid now, but I'm like on it, so I just don't get this mind altering cramps that kill you. Well, then I might not have to. Anyway. So when I met Nikki Watts, she was like, I'm going to get a baby. I was like, I'm going to get a baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I met you all at Bally Weird Bargots. It was Billy Matts had some show at some bar, Kelly's Bar, and you were hosting. Oh, yeah. That's where we met. Yeah. That's how we met. This was about, what, a year ago? Yeah. Yeah. So that's where I met. And then, like, a week later, we were both on A Comic's Life. I think it was later, longer than that. That story. I don't want to talk about it. I see. archive it on that show. This is the show where we have comedians on and we don't talk about comedy. But you... We can talk about S&M and shit because I used to be a dong. Really? Now we're talking. And I used to have a slave. Oh, really? Okay. So, by the way, that's... I have jokes about it. I'm going to start. I used to be a phone sex operator, but I quit that too. I did that too. I used to do phone sex. When you used to do phone sex, did you do the little tricks, like our little tricks where we take our lip gloss and we unscrew it and we take it and, you know, rub the wand back in and it would make that blowjob sound that... Wait, wait, wait. I would just do it with my lip, with my mouth, but I would just... Well, let's hear your blowjob sound. What was that? I don't know. I was 18 years old. I was 18. I used to hear blowjob sound. Well, I don't have a lip gloss, so we just have a lip gloss. Do you have one in there? Yes, I do. Okay, let me get a lip gloss. That's for you. Is that a lip gloss? That's lip gloss. That's lip gloss. Okay, so you have a choice, the two of you. Well, no, this is not lip gloss. Okay, I don't know what that is. Lip gloss has the wand in it and it would make... Okay, maybe I can make this sound. Oh, yeah. So you would take it out and there's the gloss in it, you know, it has the wand with the little foam on the end. Right. So you would put it in there and you would just keep going back and forth and it would make this... sound. I mean, that would make sense. I mean... How about you just do it with your mouth and you leave the lip gloss alone? Right. Well, you're sitting there and you've got like a... Well, I had a whole keyboard in front of me because we had 17 lines. You never knew what was going to come up. You never knew. There was 30 girls in the office. So you've done this too. You know, and so whatever came up, you had your little tools right there to do because how many times a day can you just go... You're going to run out of space. No, but we would know what they would get into. We were not allowed to talk about anything like underage stuff or anything that was risque and it would be... I didn't do it that way. Well, risque, I mean, it's all risque. Not risque, but like to like... Bestiality. Bestiality, shit like that. You couldn't talk about incest and underage. You were both phone sex operators. I was wondering where this conversation just went. Oh my God. But I did it. You were both phone sex operators. I can't. Let me control this. I did it only for... I didn't do it that long, a few months because I kept having like a conscience. I was like, well, where's your wife? You know, and he's like, what? Like... Oh, girl, we used to like... They used to ask us where the office was and we'd give them a P.O. box and they'd send us gifts. Yeah, this woman... Well, speaking of that, do you have a choice of gifts since I gave you the... Whatever that was. It's not lip gloss or whatever. Do you want Hustler Love Slick Vaseline or lubricant or anal bleach? Lubricant. No, no, you got that. That's yours. Oh. I don't want this. No, just... Thank you, Mark. Okay. You know what? I want to see if that anal bleach works. You're the anal bleach. I just want to. I've done that. I've actually... I'm not pink. Just kidding. Okay, so wait. So wait. Wait a second. I was an esthetician and I used to actually perform that on people. We'll talk about that in a second. I was a slave. Nikki, you were a dom. I was. And then... What was this? This was when I was 18, 19, 20. Were you in L.A. or New York? It was in New York. New York, okay. Because that seems to be a popular job in New York. It was really... That's where I was. Yeah, when I did it and then I had a slave that I would just... He paid me. Right. And he cleaned my house. That's what he would do. He was a teacher by day. I'm sure he did more than that. No, he never did anything more than that. Absolutely not. So that was it. He would just clean your house? I mean, you would beat him and shit, right? Yeah, I'd beat him and he would wear this contraption on his dick. Oh, a ball spreader or what? Naked. Like, it would wear... No, it wasn't a ball spreader. It was like... It was homemade. He made it himself. And it looked like... Like a spike. Like a spiky, but it was like... Look. Was it spiked on the inside or the outside? Outside, but... He would... Have like this... And it would keep it, I guess maybe his dick heart. I don't know. And I never really... He had a big dick too and I never touched it because he was gross. But he gave me a massage once and it was amazing. I'm like... I like slid off my chair. I was like, holy shit. And he had a big dick, but I was like, this man is too fucked up. What was fucked up about him? Was he too old? I'm trying to figure it out. He had a big dick and he gave me a massage. He ate cat litter. Sounds like me. I'm sorry. The power of the big dick, ladies. Did you just hear that? The power of the big dick. Oh my God, he's got a big dick, but... Man, come on. How fucked up am I? Wait, wait, wait. So I said... No, exactly. You were making me eat kitty litter? He just ate my kitty litter. Like, am I gonna fucking fuck a guy that just ate my kitty litter? No. This was... I'm not fucking gonna let him kiss my mouth with that. That would trump. That would trump. Was that your request or he just liked it? No, he did it. And then I was like, no, you cannot eat that. Like, it's gonna have... You're gonna go to the hospital. Clean kitty litter. You can die from that. No. Like, cat shit. Did he eat the clumps? He ate the clumps. I love Nikki telling her to slay him. You cannot do that. You will go to the hospital when the mother comes out. Well, I had to take you to the hospital. The mother comes out. Everybody ate cigarette butts? Yeah, don't eat shit. Or cigarette butts. I'd take you to the hospital. I know. I mean, not even my pussy. I'm not even gonna eat that. Am I allowed to talk that way on this show? Absolutely. The show just started. Go right ahead. I was just like, you know, talking about... Say whatever you want. It's whatever. It's my show. I told you. It's a little different. Well, I brought a friend of mine over because he didn't believe me and then he was... Washing my bathroom and I said, just beat him with a broom and I gave him a broom. No, this is the same slave. No, this is my friend and he was like... So how did you meet Mr. Kitty Litter? He, on AOL chat. Oh, those are the days. Those are the fucking days. Fucking prodigy. So how did you meet him? Was there like a AOL instant messenger that said, ASL, can I eat your kitty litter? No, he was... And his name was Pet Rock. Pet Rock. And... What? He... I guess there was a picture. I don't know what I was in some for. Pet fucking Rock. I'm not kidding. That was his name on the AOL chat. What was your name? Prowl and Pounce. Of course. Of course it was. Prowl and Pounce. Prowl and Pounce. That's your Instagram name, right? It used to be. Now it's... You look awful. Wait, no. I think I changed... I think I just changed it to Nikki Wants Hell Yeah. But that's... Wait a second. So this guy... So you met him on AOL. Mm-hmm. Were you already doing some... Were you doing some Dom stuff or not? I was doing a little Dom stuff. Right. And then I was doing... Because I had a friend of mine that was doing Dom stuff. So I did stuff with her. Right. And started learning that stuff. And then... Well, I did it before when I was in high school a little bit in D.C. Who didn't? Who didn't? Right. No, you were in D.C.? You lived in D.C. in high school? Okay. No, that's where I'm from. Oh, okay. So you did a little Dom... Any senators or... I was always one guy that I had dressed like Little Red Riding Hood and feed crayons. Oh, that's great. Was that a senator or is that... Yeah, I don't know, but they were like, he's very powerful, but I don't know. And I'm 16. I'm like 16, 17 years old. How much did you get paid for that? How long did it take? 300, 350. For an hour? No, it was like... Well, it was almost an hour. But here's the question... It's not enough. No, I mean, I've given a blowjob. I mean, I've given... No, not a blowjob. Never given a blowjob. But I have given a handy for 450. Let me see what I have in my hand. I'm like... It took... I want to know about the crayons, though. Like, okay... Did you have to buy the crayons? They were there. It was there. Did he beg for... Did he beg for certain colors? Did he like certain colors more? Okay, I've got a five. No, sorry. Oh, you might have 450. I won't even... I wouldn't even let you sniff any part of my body for $5. You said 450. But he's a friend. There's nothing wrong with helping a buddy out. There's nothing wrong with that. This joke went over everybody's fucking head. You better sniff it. Just let him put it down. This joke went over everybody's head. You said 450. I pulled out a five. Wait, no. No, no, no. It didn't go over our head. We ignored it. I got it. No, it just... You can't joke around about money. Crayon guy. No, no, no. Don't buy it. Don't bang on the table. You all can spank me at the end of the show. So, crayon guy. So, it's 350 for him to eat crayons. No, it's 350. And I sat on my dress like Little Red Riding Hood. I was just reading a story, a fairy tale. He was reading Little Red Riding Hood. Did he have the outfit? No, he wasn't wearing anything. I was in the outfit. Oh, okay. I was in Little Red Riding Hood. You had Little Red Riding Hood. No. And he was naked and eating crayons and you're like... I just sat on top of him like he was on all fours like I was feeding him. Oh, those were the days. Those were the days, right? Right. No, and then I gave him... I mean, when I gave a hand job, I looked at an apartment off Craigslist and then the guy offered me $450 to give him a hand job, not a blow job. I didn't do that, but I did do that. I did give a hand job for that. Because I'm looking for a place so I don't know how much that's going to cost. And it literally was like 50. I was like, that's the easiest money I've ever made in my life. And I was like, there's nothing that I can get from that. I don't care. Judge me all you want. It's fine. I judge nobody here. We're substance without judgment as my co-host likes to say. But you were... I got to go back because you said, speaking of hard work, that you had bleached people's assholes. Yeah. I waxed cooters and crotches and pulled the hair out from the never regions, bleached buttholes. Is this part of the Dom thing? Were you a Dom? No, no, no. This was my regular job as an esthetician for many years. Okay. Yeah. So, so what is the before and after of bleach asshole? I don't even know. Yeah. What is that like? Like, does it hurt? No, it doesn't hurt. It's just, it's basically hydroquinone, which is the bleaching agent, which Michael Jackson used. Do you like, do you use a funnel or I mean, how do you get it? No, you just take a little brush and you paint it on and they hold their butt, you know, they stretch it out. It's like when you're waxing, you know, here, grab it here, stretch it out. And then you just thought of another stretching butthole. Oh, you're telling me I need help? We got an expert right here. You want to do it? Two things, two things. Will you wax Tanya's asshole on the air, please? No. I'd do it. I say no. No, no, no. Well, you could face the camera. $450. I say if you pay me $250. You know what? I don't know. I mean, I know that's not a lot of money to give a handjob. Are you kidding me to put my asshole up on live TV right now? This started a million. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is the money for me to do it. You can charge whatever you want for getting it done. I'm an independent contractor. You're a grown girl. You can charge whatever you want. You know what? It's funny. I'm just saying for me to do it. The one thing I can say about these three women, they are very sexual. From the moment I saw them, I said, you just all have a sexual confidence. Oh, yeah. You really do. I don't know about you guys, but I started pretty young. Is this the creepy part where you get your rocks off right now? I've been getting my rocks off the whole show. I think there's a difference between sensual and sexual, too. I mean, and I think a lot of times guys confuse that because, I mean... Well, how do you define the difference? Well, I think sensuality is what you're seeing in all of us. I mean, we may talk about sex and stuff, but the confidence comes because we're aware of our bodies. We're aware of what turns us on. We're not afraid of getting a little shudder, at least I'm not, from when the wind hits me in a certain way and just standing there and going, that's sensuality and that's confidence and that leads you into being good at sex. Right. I think sexual people are always the ones who are like, oh, fuck me. I guess I'm a sexual person, not a sensual person. I don't know. I haven't known you that long, but I think that's where the... And I think guys are more sexual than sensual to begin with. Right. But I think the confidence that women has is more of a sensuality than a sexuality, which is a fine line, but sensuality does lead into being good at sexuality. But you agree with me that these are sensual women. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Tanya, very sensual. And you, you know, you were in a relationship. You've been in a relationship since I met you, I think. Mm-hmm. Not with a famous, semi-famous. Famous. Famous. Semi-famous. Come on. The mayor from Back to the Future, if we all remember Back to the Future. Yes. I don't know if Jenny got the picture that I sent her. I guess she did. I didn't even tell her that I sent her a picture. But the guy who played the mayor in Back to the Future is your boyfriend. Yes. I've got to Google that. And he's an older man. Yeah. Yes. Yes, he is. Yeah. Wade Goley Wilson, right? Mayor Goley Wilson. Mayor Goley Wilson is going out with Tanya's daughter. Yes. A lucky man. I think I'm, did I meet him at the Fishbone thing? At the Angela Moore thing? Yes, I did. Yeah, did he come out to that? I think, I think I met him at that. Oh, no, that was Angela Moore. No, I met Angela Moore, but I was just saying. Tanya did a show where she worked with Angela Moore from Fishbone. And I, actually, we both, we both did stand-up that night. I did some poetry that night because I knew I knew the guy. But, so how did, how do you meet the mayor from Back to the Future? And how does he pick you up? Um, it's such an awful story. Uh, not awful, just awful. Like, like Michael J. Fox, like, you know, picked up on you and he was shaking too hard so he went for the mayor or whatever. No, it wasn't even that at all. I would hope not. You know, when I first, when I first met him, it was just completely platonic and, um, he was just a friend for a long time. Um, I had met him through. Come on, this is the impossible dream that no man ever gets. What? Um, the impossible dream. How many, how many years were you friends with him? I was friends with him for about nine months, about nine months. Um, and, um, it just happened, just weirdly happened. I, um, it was so odd. Like, have you ever been attracted by the sense of smell? Yes. Of course. So what had happened was, was I had showed up at this, this thing that they were having and I had gotten a limo so I wouldn't have to drink and drive because it was raining. So we went, all went in there to smoke weed and I went to climb over the limo and I went over him in the seat and to get, to go grab something and I smelled him and I lost it. I don't know what, and I just, and he, I went from, hey Holmes, just get in the car with smoke to I just got on top of him and I straddled him and put my arms around him and I just like stared at him and I just went, like a creep, like a fucking creep. I don't think that's creepy. And then that was it. That's all she wrote and I just, I, I very, he's the, he's one of the most supportive people I've ever encountered and, and especially, and what I do and he's a muse to me. He, he makes me laugh like nothing else. He's my sunshine in the way that he makes me laugh but he also inspires me to write a lot of my material because he's so funny and it's been five and a half years now. Wow. So, and we're 20 years apart. So, I know, yeah, he's, he's, he's, but he's still, he's still, he's still packing in the bedroom, right? Yeah. No, not at all. He's the only guy I've been with in my life and I've been with, with guys, you know, my age that have erectile dysfunction problems, all kinds of. With you? Well, no, because they have cocaine problems, testosterone problems, alcohol problems, meth problems, you know what I mean? Hashtag whatever problems they can't get it out. You know what I mean? Hashtag limp dick. Bill problems, hashtag everything, baby mama problems. I'll never forget that photo that you put up of that dude that sent me, sent on Facebook and sent the picture of you, that, of his penis with, to you. What do you mean? Remember you went with that photo? Oh my God, yeah. That weird white dude. Yeah. And I, yeah, fucking white dude. And then he's like, he's married with kids and stuff and he just sends her this and it's like disgusting. It was so gross. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna teach this guy a lesson. And she just put him on blast and it was so funny. That was great. You posted penis on Facebook? I sure did. Good for you. I was like, and the next thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna contact your wife and let her know that you're sending these. But first, I will humiliate you in front of everybody. And it was so small they didn't even report it, huh? I don't know. How did that go down? I forget how it went down. I don't remember now. I don't know. I was all into it though. Where does the time go? Dude, nine minutes to go. I'm telling you. I told you it's gonna go by real fast. You're right. Tanya, would you sing a song for us? Oh yeah, where's my guitar? It's in the lobby. Oh yeah, Reza. We'll talk to Nikki and Tuesday while you're setting up. Okay. Is someone gonna get it? Do I walk out? Reza's getting the guitar. He's got it right here. There he is. There's your Rudy, Reza. A very funny comedian in his own part. And look at that guitar. Oh my gosh, it's like the Lady of Shalott. Oh yeah, this is a guitar from Luna Guitars. It was an official sponsorship for Ophelia Rising. We got guitars from them for free. Look. That's a beautiful, show the camera. That's a beautiful, beautiful guitar. Yeah, so this is the guitar I've been just using forever. Yes, thank you, thank you. The new Elante. I'd like to buy a vowel. Yes. So, I have this comedy song that I wrote. All right, cool. I wrote this song. So, you know, I'm Chinese Colombian and Black Colombian. My dad's the Black Colombian, but he's very racist, right? Right. And, as Blacks and Colombians sometimes tend to be. As Blacks and Colombians are. And he would die like if he knew I had a Black boyfriend. I was going to ask you that. Yeah, so I've never. Your Black father would die if he knew you had a Black boyfriend. Yeah, and you know what? Just here recently, just here recently, I've made mention to my dad. He's 86. Wow. I just made mention here in the last maybe month and a half of something. So, he kind of knows that he's Black. So, we'll see how that pans out in the next few months. Oh, come on. If he finds out he's in Back to the Future. Well, I'm giving him that first before he finds out I have tattoos. He doesn't know I have tattoos. What? Yeah. When was the last time you saw your father? Oh, I always go, oh, a long time ago. It's been a while. I always go with a cardigan or just not at all. Oh, I'm kidding. All three of you have fancy, fancy tattoos, but what is the song called? So, the song was written for Don, for Marigold Lee Wilson because I didn't know how to tell him for Thanksgiving that I couldn't bring him home to my dad. So, I wrote this song. Kind of like, you know how mariachis do and they serenade? right. Don, this one's for you. Does this move? Oh, it does move. Okay, cool. Right on. His real name's Don, right? Yeah, his real name's Don, Don Fully Loved. Don, this is for you. And also, too, ladies, ladies, if you, if you've ever fucked a black guy, I had never, I never have. No, we talked about that. If you've ever, have you ever fucked a black, I haven't, but, fat or black or fat black? Have you ever fucked a fat black guy? Have you ever fucked a black guy? I fucked many a black girl. That's awful, huh? I have. You have, right? I never have. Well, if you've ever fucked a black guy or a fat black guy, you can take home to your dad, ladies, this song is for you. Or a fat white guy. I can't take you home to my dad. Whoa, it's not my fault, it's just cause you're black. Whoa, babe, I can't take you home to my dad. Whoa, unless you wanna end up in a body bag. Whoa, babe, I can't take you home to my dad. Whoa, he thinks they're all Africans. Whoa, babe, I can't take you home to my dad. Whoa, but we'll lie to him and tell him you're Dominican. And please don't be angry with me. And please cut me some slack. It's really not my fault. It's just cause you're black. Babe, I can't take you home to my dad. it's not my fault, it's just cause you're black. Cause you're black. So, there you go. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. That's hilarious. That's fantastic. Yeah, he loves that song. Oh, and then there's this other one. I got this other one. Let me see if I... Yeah, do it real quick. Okay, I will. So this song I wrote one time. Have you ever broken up with someone and you find like little hairs of them everywhere and you get all sad and you want to start crying? Oh, yeah. I find hairs all over the place. I do. And then you just make a voodoo doll, burn it and bury it in the backyard. Well, okay. I think I disclosed too much. So this is the song. I wrote this when we broke up one time because I was writing comedy and I opened my comedy notebook and I found one of his hairs there. So here you go. I miss your nappy hair. It's everywhere. Like pubic hair. There it is. Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. So I take it Don's not your first black guy. Huh? I take it Don's not your first black guy. No, he's my... Well, I mean, the fine first. We won't tell Dan. Anyway, where's the time? I knew this was going to be so much fun and I... We didn't... I had... I researched... Well, I stared and masturbated to pictures all three of you but I also did research and I had so many questions. I wish that was a joke. I had so many questions but I knew it was going to be so much fun. Hopefully, we'll have all three of you back. Anytime. And we'll... Sorry, it was late. No, no. Trust me. It was fine. Tuesday, you have a show at the Clown House because I was going to talk about your one-man... one-woman show. I have... Because I'm doing my one-man show. Your one-woman show, Ordinary World, living in San Francisco, so much stuff. Yeah. The shows are Fridays at 10.30, Freak Show with storytelling, characters, musical, comedy, sketch, and stand-up at 334 West Pico at the Clown House and Saturday at 8 o'clock with just stand-up over at the Clown House, 334. 34 West Pico. And you can look... See me on the Charlie XCX famous video, the new Death Cab for Cuties coming out. I've been in Tokyo Hotel, Zach Efron movie, a couple TV stuff. I'm coming up with something on E! soon. So, TuesdayThomas.com, at MamaWarnedMe on Twitter, Tuesday's Trash on Instagram. You're blowing up. You do sketch, you do stand-up, you're acting, you're in Straight Outta Compton, you play a white protester. A Christian protester. How ironic. They called me for that and they're like, I'm supposed to be in Straight Outta Compton tomorrow? Are you sure you got the right girl? I mean, because I didn't remember any white people in NWA, but they're like, yeah, you're going to be a Christian protester. I'm like, aha. There was five of us. I bet they were. And by the way, the Clown House is one of my favorite places to perform. Thank you. I love that place. The show that you do is fantastic and I look forward to performing again. It's only $5 and we have a bar there, so anybody's welcome to come on down. It's music, it's comedy, it's sketch, it's a whole... It's a show. It's terrific. And also, there's the Adam Barnhart connection because Adam Barnhart taught Tanya comedy. Yes. That's my sensei. Yes, and he's one of the best comedians that I've ever seen. I love him. He's insane. He's just genius, the way his mind works. He's fantastic. He's so great. I could talk about him all day, but we only have a minute 36. Tanya, how do people get a hold of you? You can find me on tanyastrada334.com or just Google me, put Tanya Estrada and anything that's, uh, going on, what is going on, you can check my IMDB and everything else. I recommend you Google and Bing. Yeah, Google and Bing me. Yes. By the way, what is 334? 334 is the old pager code upside down for he, he, he, he. Remember? I never had a pager. Oh, yeah, those were good times. You never had a pager? I never had a pager. I never, I never rolled like that. I had it for like 15 minutes and it kept blowing up and I was like, this is just so annoying and that I just threw it down 14 straight blocks away. Jay just skipped by me altogether. But, uh, Nikki wants, how do people get a hold of you? Uh, all hail Miss Wants on Twitter. Oh, and you're not, you're not doing your podcast anymore. There's something wrong with me. I know. I gotta, I gotta update it. There's something wrong with me. It's still on iTunes, but I gotta, I gotta update. I've just been too busy. So, so you made a guy eat cat litter, but there's something wrong with you. I didn't make him eat cat litter. He completely did it on his own volition. I understand. And trust me, I'm going to have all three of you smack me in a second. All hail, uh, all hail Miss Wants, Twitter, and, and I've been writing some stuff for Mark Maron's for their, for his show. So check that out. And, uh, Twitter. Hi, Nikki Wants. Hey, I think is, uh, Instagram and Nikki Wants.com. Thanks. Nikki Wants. I was going to ask how you got the Mark Maron gig on IFC, but we'll save that for next time. You three ladies want to smack me. I'd love to have that to happen. I charge. But they get over here. Really? Really? All right. Everybody have a wonderfully creepy week. Bye. Bye. Bye.