Crying episode about D/s relationship struggles

you may not have heard that but i just looked at mistress and i said this is gonna be awesome right so great is this show gonna be yeah awesome i kind of didn't want to tweet about it i did i already tweeted but i didn't tweet a link i just said don't listen to the show i said don't listen to the show we don't know what it's gonna be i said but i can guarantee you it will not gonna be funny i don't know i get kind of campy i want to see what i look like ah i get kind of campy when um i'm in an awful mood i get it's very hot there was like a lot of sweaty men in here which is totally fine i mean i love me some sweaty men but it was just hot in here i don't want to stick it you! sorry anyway back to uh the topic that we don't have oh god we don't have a topic we don't people we don't have a topic it's cool um and we don't have a topic because we've had a lot of guests for like a long time yes for weeks and weeks and they've been really really awesome guests with really awesome topics but nobody gets to catch up with what's going on with us oh god do we really want that what's going on in our world um and our world has been uh special oh awesome it has been really really oh great special so quite quite some time ago when we were branded as the love bite and not intellectual kink oh hey by the way this is intellectual kink oh yeah and i'm insidious muse and i'm in service right um so many moons ago when we were the love bite we had a very good friend of ours come on and the topic was unbalanced ds okay i see where this is going okay and uh it was you know it was a good thing and it was almost a um passive aggressive intervention was it yes so that he could see uh um Yeah, dude, not good. Not good. Not going to change anytime soon. What you going to do? Okay, now I was thinking, who was our guest? Who was our guest? It was a long time ago. Our friend that we really love, right? Our friend that we really love. That's been on with every single time he's been on, he's had a different name. One time he had a different voice and it was not. It was not enjoyable. It was not good. People. Oh, God. Don't do that. And we are struggling with a very similar kind of scenario with our relationship. Ms. Nancy. Yeah. We're having some really rough, we're having a rough time in our DS. And that is not new. We've been very open and honest about the rough times that we've had in our DS in the past. And we usually come on and talk about it after XYZ is resolved. Yeah, that's true. We always talk about it after the fact. Yeah. This is not after the fact. This is in the trenches. This is in the thick of it. And when things are really not good. No. Not good. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. As a joke, I don't know, two months ago, we tried that whole you have to ask me permission for everything. Yes, that's right. Right. And decided to stick with it for a combination of things. Number one, it wasn't really negatively impacting my life at all. Yeah, that's true. And you said that although there were challenges and sometimes you felt disconnected, you always felt connected to me. It really helped to reemphasize who your owner is. Yes. Before I move on, I'm going to do a quick kind of rehash of some of the problems that we've had in the past. They're generally surrounding around Nancy making independent decisions and... For us, for me, and for her. And in regards to our relationship or... And that could be anything from masturbating without permission to just not being submissive, basically. Kind of what it boils down to is still really behaving like an independent person. And so it's really a raw nerve for me, that whole concept when decisions... And I'm saying I'm a lot, which is a sign that I'm really fucking nervous. When decisions are made unilaterally in a DS relationship from the submissive side, that is very non-submissive. Nope. It's very topping from the bottom. And it's been really... It's been really hard for me. Because I've gotten to the point where I question if Nancy's even my submissive. And when you're a dominant, that's really hard. Because the only logical step is dismissal. And I don't want to do that, because I really love Nancy. But if she's not being a submissive, we don't have a DS relationship then. And I don't know what to do. So to fast forward to the present, she went on a date with a lovely woman, which is fine. No problem with that. Had full permission to go on the date. Had full permission to do things on the date, which she didn't do. But she had permission. And then, you know, there's post-date communication. And the directive under this ask thing was she literally has to ask for everything that doesn't have to do with, you know, her own personal self-care. And work. So social media, texting, phone calls. Playing games. All of these things. With very, very few limitations. You know, we talked about, like, work. Parts of family. Yeah, like your family calls. You know, I mean, I don't know, shit, text your family. But they're assholes. Who cares? And I found out that she was texting this woman that she went on a date with without permission. And it boiled down to she, correct me if I'm wrong, Nancy, that she didn't think I'd have a problem with it. Didn't think it was a big deal. Didn't think it fell under the purview of the original directive. Let's just go with didn't think. And for me, that brought up, it's in the same vein as everything else. Everything else. Everything else. Everything else. Everything else. Everything she's done before. And she's had some really serious punishments. I removed her collar for a while for one of the punishments. She had some physical punishment. I mean, there was a lot. She had to start doing rituals. There was a lot. And so this has been a really, really tough week, few days. I don't know. Months? Well, yeah, but I mean, this, the new thing. So, we're struggling. Yeah. We're struggling. It's awesome. See? It's really... Told you you didn't want to listen to this show. Awesome. And to further go into the discussion where I brought up the unbalanced DS, I think that's a really good question. Yeah. I think that's a really good question. Our relationship for the most part has been about Nancy. And that seems really, really wrong to me. I'm not one of those doms that says, it's all about me. Because that seems really, really wrong too. But it should be balanced. And it hasn't. She had a journal that she did the other night. And I was like, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get that. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get that. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get that. I'll do it tonight. I'll do it tonight. And it was a tough day. It was a tough day. If you are a friend of mine and I've ever been mad at you, I am told it is a very unpleasant experience. And right now Nancy and I are living together. So when I'm mad at her, there's no escape from my unpleasantness. Not that I was unpleasant. unpleasant. I don't yell. I'm not an ogre. You don't need to yell. But I'm very quiet when I'm mad. I'm really quiet when I'm mad. And it was a journal that was a lot about Nancy, a lot about her. And I said, look, you need to re-evaluate your submission. Who are you submitting to? Are you submitting to yourself? Are you submitting to me? I mean, where am I? Where am I anywhere other than the person that takes care of everything? And that sucks a lot. Today was a really bad day for me. I spent 3... majority of the day crying, which is awesome. And not just because of Nancy, there's a lot of other shit, but the majority of the day crying. And I came to a really horrible realization. And you've heard the expression that you teach people how to treat you. So, because this scenario of where I give and I give and I give and I give and I give and I get nothing back is not unique. It's everybody around me. That's how it goes. And it's my fault. I've taught you that that's what your submission is. And I don't know where to go from there. And I can't talk the entire show. I need you to. I didn't want to interrupt what was obviously a whole lot for you to say. No, no, no. I like to be very succinct. No, yeah, no. Being succinct works for me. I blame Twitter. Hmm. You know what really sucks? Aside from the obvious sucking of all of this, right? Is that we're best friends. We are best friends. We're best friends. Yep. We do a lot of things that's not kinky at all. We do a lot of best friends stuff. Yes, we do. We talk a lot of shit. We shit talk. We do. We watch shows together. We go to the movies together. We go try new foods together. I make you watch scary stuff. And then I'm like, don't do this to me, man. And I put on all of my clothes. I'm like, I'm going to go to some wonderland. And that part of it really sucks. Because I've had to separate, you know, our friendship from our DS. Because if I start thinking that they're one and the same, then, well, we all know where that goes. Then there's no... We've gone there before. Yeah. It didn't work. It didn't work. And... But also... So... You're not the only one that's thought about dismissal. You're certainly not the only one that's thought about ending the relationship in some way. And you don't know this about me. But when things end, they fucking end. Everything ends. Because I can't... I can't heal with the person still in my life. We've talked about this. I can't. And we've talked about how we're totally going to grow old together in, like, non-traditional ways. Because we're great together. Not specifically DS. Not specifically friends. Just we're just great together. And that's just a really scary thing. Because I don't want you out of my life. In any capacity. There is no one in my life that cares about me as much as you do. There's no one in my life that... There's just no one in my life like you. I went on that awesome date and all I could think was that she wasn't you. Well, that sucks. She wasn't you. One of the things that I've learned these past few weeks, months, whatever. Loving you is not enough. It is not enough. Because I do love you. I'm still kind of in love with you. All of those things have not changed. And it's just... It's not that it's not important. It's just not enough. It doesn't sustain a relationship. No. It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't... It doesn't cancel out bad things. It doesn't cancel out bad days. It doesn't cancel out arguments. You can love someone a whole lot, but you can still like really fucking hate their face on any given day if something happened. And I... You know, I... I hate that I'm going to say this, but I feel like, you know, our relationship started at a time when things were really crappy for me. They were really crappy in a lot of different ways. And you were just kind of this like awesome, like totally sparkly person that came in and was just like, hey, it's cool. You can totally have all this kinky, awesome, fun stuff. And I'll be there for you for all this horrible shit that's happening. You were that person. And so the thing that I hate that I'm thinking about right now is that, fuck, I really wish that... This is bad timing. I feel like if those things weren't happening when we started our relationship, then we wouldn't be on this like fucking endless shit train where you're always taking care of me. Maybe. We don't know. I don't know, but that's where my head is right now. And how do you undo something like that? I don't know. We've tried kind of just doing shit from scratch. We tried rituals. We tried all kinds of different clean slates that you can think of. Everything. Yeah. And it just sucks. It sucks. Because... We have a lot of fun together. And we really love each other. We do. It's really stressful. Yeah. It's really stressful. I think the worst part is... It's not the worst part. Because we are best friends as well. Is, you know, who do you talk to? When shit goes bad. Yeah. Because the relationship is not like... It's not like any other DS relationship I've ever had or seen. But then again, they're all different. Yeah. So I... I... You know, I pride myself on... Being a... A creative problem solver. You know, it's weird because like... Whenever we have like issues. And... I just always... Like something will occur to me. I'll think like, oh, I have this awesome idea. This will fix everything. Or at least kind of, you know, get us back on track. And I'll feel so excited. I'm like, yeah, she's gonna be so fucking impressed. And I tell her about this. And she's like, wow. She'll say, wow, she really thought about this. She really thought it through. And like, she fucking did some research and shit. And then like, it's shiny and new. And it works for a little bit. And then... And then it goes away. We have bad days or like... Life happens. Something happens. Something major will happen. Something major happens. And it... Totally... Totally... It's like... It derails us. It's like Sisyphus. You know? We were like, yes. Got the boulder up the hill. Doing it. And then it just... Bam. We're at the bottom of the hill again. Yeah. And I don't... Would I... Would I end what we have? No. I... no but I don't look at things in black and white I look at things in 50 shades of grey and I've said this before I've said this at every single time we've had an issue I've said there's another answer there's another answer I just can't see it me neither I wonder if we're too close to the problem probably thank you you're welcome we're just too close to it to look at the big picture to see what is happening I can't see the forest for the trees yeah that that's the expression probably I don't know I don't have an answer I mean I have every faith that when I am out of this emotional stupor that my logical brain will kick in and I'll be able to come up with something but I'm sorry but I I I I I and I'll be able to come up with something. But, but, I'm sorry. But I can't think, I have no thought process. But I also feel like, you know, when we look at this with too much logic, and maybe that that won't be the answer either, because like, that's what we thought about when we added more structure, when we added ritual. We thought, okay, this is logical. It's very logical. Add more protocol. Totally. Yes. It was super logical. Super duper. And it didn't stick. Didn't stick. The idea of it was great. Somebody stopped doing their protocols. Well, yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about all the things I stopped doing. You've often said that, and I feel like, I've lost a lot of resentment because of this, that people have this perception of me. And it makes you really angry. Yeah. And that's where, that's where I feel, I don't feel your anger. I feel resentment. It really sucks because I don't want to go around telling people, oh my God, we have all of these problems. We have all these problems. We have all these problems. We have all these problems. We have all these problems. We have all these problems. We have all these problems. These are all the problems that we have. Look, things are not that great. I'm not perfect. I am actually a really shitty submissive. And it's really awkward. It's really fucking awkward. So a couple of weeks ago, a mutual friend of ours gave me a gift. And she gave me this gift because before that there was a tea service and one of the women's groups that we belong to, and I was part of the service team. And she gave me this really beautiful tea cup, tea cup slash coffee mug, because it's kind of big, you know, a little bit too big to be a tea cup. And it was really beautiful. And it had this lovely message on it. And she gave it to me and she said, I was really impressed. I was devastated by your service. And, you know, she said all these awesome things and she said it in front of my mistress. And I looked over to her because I didn't want to accept it. And she made the motion to me to take it. It would've been rude to decline. It would've been rude. It would've been rude. Yes, I love my backseat. Because I love my backseat. I love my backseat. I love my backseat. I love my backseat. because afterwards when we left, you let me know just how you felt about that. That it was infuriating that, please correct me if I'm wrong, that it was infuriating that I would provide other people with better service than what I provide you. And I said that my defense, my reasoning, which I still do stick to, by the way, that I'm a reflection of you in public. That I have to be the best I can be in public for you. You do that very well. You're really good at that. Thanks. But that wasn't okay. And I understood why. I understood. It's really shitty. It's really shitty having that kind of disconnect. Yeah. Am I concerned with what people think about me? Sure. I think anyone on some level does. But I grew up with appearances really being very important. And that is not something that I can really detach from. That is a really painful thing for me to do. It really sucks. It sucked as a kid because those things were really, really important, especially as a kid. And for a kid, those things are really stressful. So now as an adult, it's even worse because you have more responsibilities as an adult. You have to do these things by certain ages and you have to behave a certain way. And you're different. You're just not. You're not that. You're not that. You're not that. You're not that. You're not that. You are the complete opposite of me in that regard. So for me, you know, it's almost kind of like a, it's okay. It's okay to be, you know, to have this perception of me. It's okay for people to have this perception of me. In my logic, my fucked up logic, that's okay. So long as it's in public, so long as at least, at least in public, that is the perception, then it's okay. I'm not saying that that's actually okay. It's a base philosophical difference that you and I have, which is just something that we're raised with. Now, I was actually raised with where appearances mattered. In fact, when we would clean in my house, there were public and private places. We had to clean the public places because, you know, there's this perception, or at least where public people could go. But private places like my bedroom or under my bed or in my closet could be as dirty as they were. And generally, sometimes my closet actually had so much stuff in it, it was higher than me. So regardless of whatever my age was, whatever height it was. But so, yeah, I really, I understood the concept. I got it. And when I quote unquote became an adult, I don't know if I still am. I don't know if I am. When I went through adolescence, I went to, I did a lot of performing. And the concept of public and private became even more clearly defined. And I loathed it. I thought it was stupid. And I made a concerted effort to break down the concept of public and private. And I made a concerted effort to break down that barrier so that I would be who I was in public and who I was in private. Same person. And a lot of people, you know, that's just not them. And that's okay. But that's probably why a lot of people think I'm really strange. Because I just do really strange, wacky things in public. And I don't care what people think. Because I'm happy. When I'm doing my job. I'm doing those stupid, wacky, ridiculous things. Like those noises that you make? Like the noises that I make. Like the noises, like there's you guys, you guys. She makes specific noises for specific things. Like if she's throwing something, it's a specific noise for that. I actually have no awareness of this. It's a Pavlovian thing, apparently. If she's petting the cat, she's making a certain noise. I make a cat noise. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. You think I don't pick up on these things? I... I don't even know that I do it. So... I pick up on everything about you. But so that basic philosophical difference is creating one of the challenges that we have. And it's not your fault that everybody thinks that you're shiny and perfect. I'm also not gonna sit there and tell everybody our dirty laundry. I'm gonna sit over here at Skid Row Studios on Intellectual Kink where we'll air all our dirty laundry. But, you know, like out at the dungeon or at the Dom Scouts or... I'm not gonna be like when they say, can we clone her? Oh, you don't want her because of... I'm not gonna do that. That's fucked up. That's like a... It's a jackass move. You know, I do say, she's a lot of work. That's all I say. But anybody who's ever been in a DS relationship is like, yeah, of course. Of course. You know? And some people are nice to me and say, well, that's a credit to you. And I was like, I'll take it. It's not your fault. It's not your fault that our wonderful friend gave you the gift. It's not your fault. Did it upset me? Upset's not the right word. Upset limits... the emotion that I had at the moment. I was livid. And it's... There's a lot to why. I think part of the problem is we have so much fun together most of the time. Yeah. 90% of the time. Yeah. We're just having fun. We are. We're laughing. Even when we're mad at each other. Yeah. Even when we're having an issue. We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... We're still... Fucking shitty. It's a shitty fucking 10%. But... I've had T.S. relationships that didn't even... didn't even touch... our good times. And to me... even though we have problems, we're still doing something right. Fuck, I hope so. I really do. I don't know anybody... other than people that are married... that have lasted... as long as we have. And have as much fun... while spending as much time together as we do. Because we spend a lot of fucking time together. Yes, we do. Yes. You know. We do. I mean, you've never been married. But I have. And I will tell you the amount... if I spent this much time with my spouse... I would be a widower. Widow. Widow. I would be a widow. Because I would have fucking stabbed him. No. No. It's, you know... distance is fantastic for relationships. It really is. It's so good for relationships. But it... we don't... we don't want to be distant. You know? Even those times when we have weekends... away. Can I tell you a secret? We miss each other. Can I tell you a secret? Yes. So you know how, like, we've talked about how, like, you know... I have a new job and, like... can look for, like, places to live. Things like that. I don't really want to look. I want to stay with you. Even if you do make me watch really scary things. But they're really good. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I love watching your videos. I go to work and she packs me this awesome lunch. Really awesome. And on a daily basis, one of my coworkers will say, so what'd you get today? And I'll show them like my fruit roll-up or my juice box. Today I gave you heroin. Yeah, you did. You fucking did. Isn't it appropriate that today I gave you Oreos when today was when that study was released? So awesome. I wouldn't know what study you're talking about because no social media. There's a study that some scientists did that in lab rats, Oreos were as addictive as cocaine and heroin. Okay. Well, then yes. And every single time, every single, oh man, it's so, oh man, I wish I got that in my lunch. My wife just packed me a salad. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I'm so hungry. I'm like, oh, I'm so hungry. I'm like, oh, I'm so hungry. I'm like, oh, I'm so hungry. I'm like, oh, I'm so hungry. No one else would ever do that for me. No one. Well, one person, but you know. I know. So no, I don't want to go. I want to stay with you. And let's go be, well, we'll open to a cardboard box together. Okay. Totally. We all have always had our cardboard box. Let's do that. Yes. But you see how like, I hear, I hear everything that you say. And I hear how much you're struggling. It's just as hard for me. And sometimes it feels like, like, like, like, you think maybe I'm flippant or that I'm, that I don't see it or that I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. And it, that's so far from it because it's really hard to reconcile how much fun we have and how much we enjoy each other's company with all these shitty problems that we're having. It's really hard for me to organize in my head. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, how we can manage to have so much fun together and enjoy each other's company while still having all of these problems. Because, um, I'd be out by now if it were anyone else. I, you know, you know, it really sucks about like having friends that aren't kinky, like close friends that aren't kinky is that I can't tell them about any of this because I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Yeah, that's abusive. She doesn't respect you. What do you mean you don't get to do X, Y, Z? That's stupid. I don't get to tell anybody. I also don't get to tell any of our kinky friends because I don't get to tell any of our kinky friends because I have to ask you for permission to text people beforehand and when things are happening and we're having problems, the last thing I want to do is ask you for permission for something because you're already so pissed at me. Why would you say yes? And maybe that's just an assumption on my part. Of course, of course it is. But it just seems so shitty because I feel like I don't deserve for her to say yes. But that's not your decision to make. It's just a lot. And I just don't want you to think that I don't see it. Of course I see it. I see it every day. And there are some times where I'm really afraid to go home. Not because I'm afraid of you, but because this really sucks. I would rather have more of like awesome times. So I'd rather just avoid you sometimes so that way it's not bad. That's not, that's not, that's not gonna work. I know, but it just gives me like a little bit of like, just a little bit, you know? Yeah, I know. So, I mean, yeah, having more of the awesome times would be preferable in general. It also really sucks when I feel like, I feel like I, like I have made an effort or I am making an effort or whatever effort I am giving is the best I got at the moment. And it's just not good enough. Because I'm trying to decipher you know, well, why is this happening? How can I prevent it? What am I doing right now that is totally perpetuating that thing that she hates? When is the moment to have some forethought? And when is the moment to just ask? And it's really, really, man, that shit really drives me crazy. Because I never know. I never know what the right answer is. Sometimes the answer is, I don't have an opinion. Sometimes the answer, the answer is, well, you should have asked me. It's true. And that is a lot of work. It's a lot of work. You're not the easiest person to read. I think I am. No, but you're not. You're not. And, so I make these like, you know, little steps and I think, okay, I, you know, I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm just taking it fucking an hour at a time. And then it just blows up in my face. It just really sucks. I just never feel like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, To use the words that you used over the weekend, I feel like I'm never going to get ahead. I think I'm always trying to take that step forward, and instead it just results in taking two steps back. Hey, there's a button there that says puking. What? Yeah. Why is there a puking button? It's like sound effects or something. Let's not play that button. That's weird. Yeah. That's inappropriate for this moment. I know, but you're, like, not the only one that, like, diffuses situations. Puke. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry that I'm hard to read. I don't expect you to be psychic. Just like I hope you don't expect me to be psychic. No. I would rather have you err on the side of caution and check, and if I say I don't have an opinion, I don't have an opinion. I don't have an opinion. Generally, I say I don't care. When I say I don't care, I want you to understand that what I am saying to you is an actual French phrase in my head, which is somatagat, which means, to me, that is equal. The direct translation to that is, to me, that is equal. Which means, it's not that I don't care. Like, I don't care. It's like either completely ambivalent. Doesn't matter to me. No opinion on it whatsoever. So don't hear me with the whole, I don't care because I do care. I care a lot. I'm a very caring person. It's one of my problems. Um, that's what I would say. Just err on the side of caution on that. And I will, uh, I won't shine the magnifying glass on you. I will step back every minute of the day. I will step back and have a macro view. But you know, like, I appreciate that. But I also don't want the easy way out, you know? I don't want to give you the easy way out. I've always given you the easy way out. That's why. I mean, I want you just to, to rise up to the expectations. I want you to be the thing that you are in public. That's what I want. That's it. And I know that it's easier said than done. And I know that it's hard to maintain. It's maintenance that seems to be the biggest problem. I get tired. I get, um, I get a little burnt out. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. I get devastated. And I've said this before. Use her. She actually probably could go for a little using right now. If anybody knows our friend. We're talking about. Okay. Because some of those things, I don't have the answers. Right? Tired. That's why I got some of this fine McCafe coffee. No, you didn't. Wow. It is so delicious. With skim milk. Fuck, I don't know. We're not even sponsored. Right? McDonald's is going to sponsor this show. Fuck, after that, they need to sponsor us. Oh, that's funny. We can get you a monster. I miss... I miss... The other night, you were downstairs and I went to bed. And I cried a lot because... Because I couldn't remember what your hugs felt like. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I felt so upset because I thought, fuck, man. Like, that's like a need. Like, like an actual, like, legitimate need. I felt like I couldn't tell you. You can tell me. And I've had this conversation. I have needs, too, that are not being fulfilled. Does that make sense? So, I just... If I'm giving you the needs, it just makes me angry. I know. I know. I'm not disputing that. I just... I get what you're saying. I'm just sharing. And I'm not stopping you from getting hugs from other people. I don't stop that. Very rarely do I stop that, unless they're creepy. You swear I want the hugs from the other people. What? You swear I... You think that they're hugs or anything like yours? I don't know what my hugs are like. Because when I hug myself, it's just not the same. You told me once that someone told you... And I couldn't tell you. I confirmed it for you. Someone told you that when you pay all of your attention to one person, that it feels like the sun is shining on them. And I remember there was one night, we were in the car. I don't know where we were coming back from. And you did that. You, like, there was nothing. You were looking at your phone. There wasn't anything else happening. We were sitting in the driveway. And I told... I said, wow, you know, whoever said that thing to you, they were totally fucking right. It's just... You don't need anything else. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I could go hungry. I would have your attention. Always sitting... Sitting next to you. And I'll say, hi. No reason. No reason whatsoever. All the time. And you'll say, well, I'm going to stop responding to that because it's annoying. And, you know, really, you have nothing to say. But fuck, man. It's... It's the only way that I can get your attention. That I could ask you for your attention. Because there doesn't seem to be a good reason for you to pay attention to me anymore. So if I do that, it gets your attention because we're human. And the logical next question is yes. What is it? And for that, like, split second, you're paying attention. Just for a second. You don't tide me over. But if you had a conversation, I would have a conversation with you. And then that would be a lot of my attention. See, not in that way, though. It's just... Hey, look, we're almost out of time. Wow. Yeah. I don't understand what the difference is between a conversation that we have and me giving you attention. I think that they are one and the same, and I'm hearing you say that they are not. They are not. I don't understand that. I don't know. Because in the car, we were just having a conversation. Like any other conversation that we've had. I might... I might not have been playing my game, but we were just having a conversation. So my intent was the same. So if I can understand that, then I can maybe understand the high thing a little bit more. I don't know how to explain myself as a problem now. No. Um... I just... I don't know how to explain myself. It is different, though. Um... It's like hearing versus listening. You know? Anybody can hear anything. But you have to really listen. And I don't know how to translate that. So... I'll work on translating that. Okay. Maybe when it happens, if you could tell me. Yeah. Then I can identify what the difference is. You also do it when we're watching TV. My attention automatically is going to be split. Yeah. Especially if it's an American Horror Story. Yeah. So how about that show? How about that show? That's why we told you guys. Don't listen to this show. Don't listen to this show. We said don't listen to this episode. Just don't. Just skip over and go to the better episodes. Where they're funny and chock full of information. Yep. It's pretty much just a conversation we would have in my bedroom. You know what, though? I don't think we would. I mean... Sometimes we don't really talk about stuff. No, when we're talking about this stuff, we do. I distinctively remember quite a few of them. Yeah, but... They're never this open. They are on my end. I don't... I... They're open, but... I always just kind of feel like... I'm always kind of not scared to speak up, but like... You're intimidating. You're really intimidating. You really are. You know me probably better than, you know, 99% of the people out there. I get that. That does not take away from you being intimidating. Here, this is our show. We are co-hosts. We are... It almost feels like unequal ground. Because we're both sharing just as much. We're contributing just as much. We're contributing. We're contributing just as much. We both have to contribute just as much. It's different. I'm not saying, hey, let's fucking hash out all our shit always here on the show. Because I'd like to not do that. Thank you. I decided what this one's going to be called. Oh, great. The crying episode. Hey, what's up? Hey, the crying episode. It's the crying game, but not. Awesome. So... So, if you remember any of our other shows that are... Formative and entertaining, review those shows. Do not review us based on this. Do not review this show. Fuck no. Fuck that shit. I just skip the crying show altogether. Maybe once we come to a resolution about this, then we'll share that. Yep. This is intellectual kink. You wouldn't have guessed by the show. I'm Insidious Muse. I'm A-Slide. And we still have six seconds. We do? Yeah. Oh. But, you know, tune in. We'll have people that'll be more entertaining in the future. And, like, not crying. We promise. We're so sorry. Thank you.