Spring jokes, marriage musings, and Red Riding Hood story

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentilia, boys and girls, girls alike. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Chickster's Nest from the lavish downtown Los Angeles Skid Row Studios. It's 11 a.m. and time for you people out there to lend me an ear, and I'll shuckle the corn. You're listening to Chickster's Nest, episode number seven. Happy spring! Happy spring! Oops, boner. Don't mind me. You know I'm just insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. And Skid Row Radio Studios, all you need is a shopping cart, two-buck chug, a transistor radio with headphones or cotton in your ear. Skid Row Studios was built with integrity and insanity, put together with cardboard boxes. Poo, spit and gum, tin cans, soda pop and beer bottles, wine bottles, orange juice containers, and plenty of cork balls. The show where you gotta be crazy, just like the Chickster. In other words, I'm insane in the membrane! I'm insane in the membrane! He's insane in the membrane! You got it. I am insane in the membrane. I'm crazy in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. And now, here's a great joke. People commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly I learned that I loved the place. They nicknamed me the Chickster, but actually they nicknamed me Peanut Butter because I'm half nuts. You know, folks, you've come to the right place. Welcome to Chickster's Nest. Sound the trumpets, lower the drawbridge, pick up your purse strings, and call into Skid Row Radio. Hello, ladies and germs, ladies and gentilia, the Dick and Van Dyke Club of North Hollywood. Hello, pimps and chimps, scamps and tramps, the Bates Masters Club in Beverly Hills, the Brass Ball Society in Pismo Beach. Hello, gays and strays and Frito-Lay chip eaters and snatch eaters. Hello, biplane lesbians. Hello, TWA former pilots, T-W-A-T. What did you say? Hello, all snakes and gerbilists, the Chinatown Chicken Choking Club, the Shaveless Pussy Club in Palm Springs. Hello, all freaks and pencil neck geeks. Hello to the Nevada Crooked Dice and Penis Club, the Rhytem Sally Club and the Mustang Ranch Club. Hello, free holies and donkeys in TJ, Lard Eaters Anonymous Club in Chicago, the Spanky Yankee Club in Brooklyn, New York, the Reseda Hairline Club in, the North Hollywood, the Highball and Lowball Club. Hello to all pencil neck geeks and penile cyclists. Hello to the Hawaiian Leg Club and all flowers of man-cline kind, including blooming idiots. Then there's the cuckoo bird who went into a clothing store to buy a straight jacket with two pairs of pants. You're listening to Chickster's Nest. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about marriage today, because it's spring. A lot of people get married. Some people get buried. But what could you do? Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. They say marriage is a contract. Marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warranties. Marriage is like a phone call in the night. First the ring, and then you wake up. Why can't someone invent for us something besides women? Getting married is a lot like getting into a hot tub of water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. The only thing that keeps me from being happily married is my husband. Before we get engaged, he never farted. But it's like second language now. The wedding march always reminds me of music played when soldiers go into battle. Never get married in the morning. You never know what you might meet that night. Yes, folks, marriage is somewhat a good institution. The Siamese twin wedding yesterday afternoon was a smash success. I don't mean bumping heads. The wedding reception was held at the elaborate Doubletree Motel in the Twin City of Minnesota. The groom, Haji Baba Khoury III, said, I chose the Doubletree because it's a name that reminded me of my double-headed brides, Gilda and Wilda. Seriously, I chose the Doubletree because of the surprise that they give you. Two chocolate chip cookies under the bride's pillow and a nut cookie for me. It's most scrumptious and delicious. Yummy, yummy, good for my tummy. The bride looked outstanding in their two-headed Versace white wedding gown that was specially designed for two heads with a customized astronaut silver necklace and two attached round necklaces. The bride's mother, Mrs. Blanche Purdy, said the groom, Haji Khoury Baba III, is a very handsome and special man that happens to own three 7-Elevens. And my two-headed daughters will get cold and cold drinks from me. I'm going to be a very special man. I'm going to be a very special man. I'm going to be a very special man. I'm going to be a very special man. I'm going to be a very special man. I'm going to be a very special man. I'm going to be a very special man. So my two-headed daughters will get cola, berry and cherry, a supply for the rest of their lives, with no straws attached. And when I asked Haji Baba Khoury III what made him marry the Siamese twins, he replied, you know something? Two heads are better than one. Two heads are better than one. I am always on the outside looking in. Maybe that is why I see the funny side. When I see a fallen brother take a bride. Weddings make a lot of people sad. But if you're not the groom, you're not so bad. Another bride, another groom, another sunny honeymoon. Another season, another reason for making more feet. A lot of shoes, a lot of fries. The groom is nervous, he answers twice. It's really killing that he's so willing to make whoopee. Picture a little love nest down where the roses cling. Picture the same sweet love nest. Think what a year can bring. He's washing dishes and baby clothes. He's so ambitious, even so. But don't forget, folks, that's what you get, folks, for making whoopee, just for making whoopee. Isn't that great? Isn't that great? and so's. But don't forget, folks. That's what you get, folks. Making whoopee. Happy spring, everybody. You're listening to Chickster's Nest on Skid Row Radio in the beautiful demolished downtown Los Angeles. I'm kidding. They're building up LA. I mean it. This is the Chickster. I am crazy. I'm insane. I'm suffering from ill health. Despair. Madness. Of other unattractive. Natural. Natural. And? And? Inattractive. Inevitable things. And inevitable things. I'm crazy. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm crazy. Anyway, I'm glad, ladies and gentilia, you're listening to me. If you had a donkey and I had a chicken, and if your donkey ate my chicken, what would you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Ha ha ha ha. Told you I'm insane. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't. have balls to scratch. What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me. I'm sorry about that. I get carried away, you know. What do priests and McDonald's have in common? They both stick their meat into 10-year-old buns. Oh, that's sick. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw. What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back. When does a cub become a Boy Scout? When he eats his first brownie. Okay. What do you call a bunny with a bent dick? Fuck's bunny. What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs. Yes, my friends, spring is here. Spring is beautiful because you think about pollen and you think about bees and you think about a pickle in the middle. The peanut man, the ice cream man, shot their wares like nobody can, like nobody can, except one man, very funny old Frank for a man. Pickle in the middle and the mustard on top, just the way you like it and they're already hot. Taste a little hot dog toasted right, with a little hot dog toasted right. And the bulk as tender as its bite. Everybody's happy and the laughter runs high, till the sun gets pickled in a sound cloud sky. What's a little raindrop when you've got pickle in the middle, sizzling off the griddle? Pickle in the middle and the mustard on top. And the bulk as tender as its bite. People are commonly commonly commonly! © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 © BF-WATCH TV 2021 Oh, yes, that was lovely. And back to the chickster. Oh, hi, everybody. Hello, and welcome to Chickster's Nest. And, you know, like I say, Skid Row Radio, the best station in the nation. Emancipation proclamation. And I might be crazy, but I am insane. I want a beer as cold as my ex-wife's heart. You don't have to be a fan of country music to appreciate the toe-tapping wit of the real country song titles, yeah. I gave her my heart and a diamond and she clubbed me with a spade. You're a hard doggy to keep under the porch, four on the floor, a fifth under the seat. You've done stomped on my heart and you mashed that sucker flat. I went back to my fourth wife for the third time and gave her a second chance to make a first class fool of me. You can't have your Kate and eat it too. I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you feeling single and drinking doubles. If my nose was full of nickels, I'd blow them all out at you. I bought the shoes. That just walked out on me. Jesus loves me, but he can't stand you. I fell on a pile of you and got love all over me. One day when you swing that skillet, my face ain't gonna be there. I gave her a ring and she gave me the effing finger. Thanks to the cat house, I'm in the dog house with you, toots. You're the ring around my bathtub. You're the hangnail of my life. I want a beer as cold as my ex-wife's heart. Did I shave my legs for this? If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead? I wouldn't take her to a dog fight because I'm afraid she'd win. He's always got away with women and he just got away with mine. All these songs have in common, what are they? Nothing. Nothing at all. And sometimes I get a little disgusted because, you know, folks, you always hurt the one you love. You always hurt the one you love. You always take the one you shouldn't hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the pain. Now, excuse me there, Mr. Carl Grayson. Now, tell this little girl all about this situation. you know that you always seem to break the, uh, well, the very kindest soul of our heart with a hasty word that you just can't seem to recall. Honey child, honey lamb, honey dog. Honey baby, honey doll, honey pie. Now then, if this boy, now mind you, I says, if this here boy done broke your heart last night, honey child, honey lamb, honey baby, honey doll, honey pie, it's because he loves you the most of all. You always hurt the one you love, the one you should hurt at all. You always take the one you love. Take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall. You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can't recall. So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all. You always hurt the one you love. That was Spike Jones, everybody. You're listening to Skid Row Radio, Chickster's Nest. Welcome, welcome, everybody. And in a little while, after the news, we're going to bring up the one and only Una Moon with the astrological forecast and some songs. And later on, she'll talk about the one and only Una Moon. We're going to talk about words of wisdom. So please, stick around. Don't go anywhere. Time for the news. Hello, my friends. Listening to Chickster's Nest on Skid Row Radio. Up to the last minute, last second news. This is your correspondent, Claustrophobia, with up to the minute, last second news. From the great metropolis to Los Angeles, a city that doesn't sleep. And Charlie Chaplin never made a peep. And Muhammad Ali in the ring didn't even weep. And the Hollywood sign is an honor to keep. And Meryl Streep's salary is way too steep. And on the freeways, the traffic creeps. And... And the Angelenos beep. Thank you. Bunch of honkies. Birmingham, Alabama. Suicide bomber strikes again. Akron, Ohio. Killer to die for second time in ten years. Lexington, Kentucky. Girl kicked by horse. Upgrade to stable. Abilene, Texas. Psychics prevent and say their prediction. The world didn't end yesterday. Santa Fe, New Mexico. Police nab student with pair of pliers. And that's the way... That's the way it is. That's the way it'll always be. Good day, good evening, and good riddance. Stay tuned right now for Una Moon. But first, this song right now. ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ We lived our little drama We kissed in a field of white And stars fell on Alabama Last night Oh, yeah I can't forget the glamour Your eyes held a tender light And stars fell on Alabama Last night Oh, by the season I can't forget the glamour I never planned In my imagination A situation So heavenly A fairy land Where no one else could enter And in the center Just you and me Dear Dear Dear My heart beat like a hammer. My arms wound around you tight. And stars fell on Alabama last night. I never planned in my imagination a situation so heavenly. A fairyland where no one else could enter. In the center, just you and me. Me, dear. My heart beat like a hammer. My arms wound around you tight. And stars fell on Alabama last night. And stars fell on Alabama last night. And stars fell on Alabama last night. Hello, everyone. This is Una Moon, your friendly astrological forecaster, on behalf of the Chickster's Nest podcast here at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California. This show is dedicated to all of you Aries, along with all of the special people celebrating spring. If you can dream it, you can do it. The week of March 19th to the 25th, 2012, starts off with spring. There is so much love in the air. The trees are budding. The air is fresher. And there is a beginning and an end in sight to the rain. In astrology, spring is the true new year. Birth in the cycle. The cycle of life. Did you know that daydreaming can actually help you? Often, the best ideas come to you during your most relaxed moments. Spend time in quiet reflection. Listen to beautiful music. Take a walk in the park. Record your thoughts in a journal. As you step back, you'll feel refreshed and inspired. By April 4th, when Mercury, turns direct, you'll be ready to put your revamped plans out into the world. Now, a little poem by my favorite poet, Shel Silverstein. Ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. Went for a ride in a flying shoe. Hooray! What fun! It's time we flew, said ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. Ickle was captain and pickle was captain. And tickle served coffee and mulligan stew. As higher and higher and higher they flew. Ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. Ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. Over the sun and beyond the blue. Hold on! Stay in! I hope we do! Cried ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. Ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. Never returned to the world they knew. Never returned to the world they knew. And nobody knows what's happened too. Dear ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too. My eyes can see it's springtime. It's springtime. It's springtime. My eyes can see it's springtime. The grass is so green. The green grass, the flowers, the sunshine and showers. My eyes can see it's springtime. And I am so glad. My ears can hear it's springtime. It's springtime. It's springtime. My ears can hear it's springtime. The birds sweetly sing. The birds sing. The lambs bleep. The frogs croak. The bees buzz. My ears can hear it's springtime. And I am so glad. And now I'm glad to go back to the insane in the membrane. The insane in the membrane. He's insane in the membrane. He's insane in the membrane. Chickster's insane. He's insane in the membrane. And here's Chickster. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. I am insane in the membrane. Don't you believe me? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You people. You don't know what you got here. You got a crazy man on the radio, okay? So you better listen to me. That's all I can say before I start tearing up garbage. Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh! Who's that I see walking in these woods? Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood. Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood. He sure are looking good. You're everything a big bad wolf could want. Listen to me, Little Red Riding Hood. I don't think little big girl should go walking in these spooky old woods alone. Oh! What's up, Little Red Riding Hood? I'm the big bad wolf. I'm the big bad wolf. I'm the big bad wolf. What big eyes you have. The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad. So just to see that you don't get chased, I think I ought to walk with you for a ways. What full lips you have. They're sure to lure someone bad. So until you get to Grandma's place, I think you ought to walk with me. Yeah, if he says, I'm gonna keep my sheep suit on. Till I'm sure that you've been shown that I can be trusted walking with you alone. Oh! Little Red Riding Hood, I'd like to hold you if I could. But you might think I'm a big bad wolf, so I won't. Oh! What a big heart I have. The better to love you with. Little Red Riding Hood, even bad wolves can be good. I'll try to keep satisfied just to walk close by your side. Maybe you'll see things my way. Maybe you'll see things my way. Before we get to Grandma's place. Little Red Riding Hood, you sure are looking good. You're everything a big bad wolf could want. Oh! I mean bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. No, that ain't right. Try it again. Okay, okay. Once Upon a Time. Now that's original. Once Upon a Time. Go ahead and start the story. Okay. Once Upon a Time, there was a charming, sadistic, dyslexic girl that lived in Hollywood, and she was part of the Hood. She was small and had her name Riding Hood because she loved riding mechanical bulls. So her parents, Seymour and Beulah Hood, named her Little Red Riding Hood. Seymour was an alcoholic and left home when she was born, pushing a shopping cart, somewheres near Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California. And her mother, Beulah, said, I'm left holding the stork's bag. The person who loved her the most was her grandmother, Hortense, who was always acting tense and in suspense. I really should say past tense because even in the good old days when Grandma walked down the roads of dirt, she would pick up woodmen and proposition them with or without Puff Daddy. Grandma Hortense was so kind and so generous that she hand-knitted, and she would give them a cape and a hood with a lining of red satin and silk, just like what Liberace wears. And Granny gave Little Red Riding Hood a red lantern in case she takes a hike in the woods, and the woodsmen want to see her, plug her, and give her wooden nickels. One day, her mother, Beulah, said to her, Look here, Riding Hood, I bought you a Cirely pound cake and a pot of nutty butter, bagels and cream cheese, a jug of two-buck jug, three mangoes from the 98-cent store. And please do me a favor, listen to Beulah. After all, I am your mother. Take these goodies immediately to Grandma Hortense. And please don't, I repeat, don't talk to strangers along the way. And do not pass go and collect $200 to buy pantyhose, douche, dildos and donuts and lottery tickets. Please get your asses out of here. Get your ass going immediately. And take these items in a basket and shove them at Grandma. Now, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't hold your breath, the mother said. I hate to tell you this. Before you go, I need to tell you this. I can't tell you this. I won't tell you this. I, oh, what the fuck, I'll tell you this. Your Grandma Hortense is very sick and weak. She had an enema, and she's drained. We can't let her fade to glory. Or let her wear those goddamn jeans. Grandma loves you more than I do, said her mother, Beulah. I repeat, don't talk to strangers. Only if they are rich oil tycoons and want a lube job. With that said, Riding Hood crossed her legs, fingers and heart. And off she went through the naked forest. Only this time she was dressed up. But suddenly everything became quiet. And Ben Stiller, I mean, Stiller. I mean, you couldn't hear a... Blind bird dropping turd. And everything became darker. Darker than a million midnights down in a cypress swamp. Suddenly she came to a clearing of wild flowers and weed. And she said, I'll pick a little patch. And it wasn't between her legs. And she said, I just need a match. So she picked up something, and she smoked something. And she threw the flowers down. And lit a joint, sitting on a log. Mighty fine weed indeed, she said. And thanked Cheech and Chong for being a bad influence. And she began to cry and... And cry and act like the cars. And she'd sob. And she said, I'll start a huffing and a puffing. And I'll blow the forest rangers down. Now get out of my way, piggies. And the voice of God called out and said, You're telling the wrong story. And Red Riding Hood said, Sorry, mighty old God. And suddenly a voice behind her said, Can I help you? And she said, Get away from my ass. I don't talk to strangers with wolf masks. Suddenly she shrieked when the wolf said, This isn't a mask. Why, it's the real thing. Now, can I take a hit of that shit you're smoking? And she said, Just don't bogart the joint. The wolf politely said, Where you going, little red? Well, it's not to bed, she said. And not with you, you horny wolf. What's in your basket, little red? And where you going to? And she said, None of your fucking business. As the wolf started to grin at her. And he pointed his white teeth with tongue hanging. Out panting. And she said, Little red Riding Hood, That S.O.B. wolf. I'm just going to my grandmother's house. And I'm taking her a surly pound cake, bagels and cream cheese, a pot of nutter butter, a jug of two buck chug, and some flowers. And I saved her one joint. The wolf asked, Well, what does she look like? Is she ugly? Is she fair? None of your goddamn business, Riding Hood said. So little red Riding Hood pulled out her computer. And she was trying to get the directions. So she decided to Google it. And here we go again. Meanwhile, the wolf was frustrated with tongue hanging out, drooling and showing his white sharp fangs and said, I want the directions. And I, I want it now. This is an order. Don't you understand? Riding Hood was shaking. He was shaking severely. And it wasn't Parkinson's disease. It was her butt. Well, you see, Mr. Wolf, Grandma lives right next to the first fairy forest mall. You can't miss it unless you're blind. It's a chartreuse white and bright purple house right before the main parking structure. So Riding Hood looked at the wolf and decided, you know, I'm going to try to give him some directions to throw him off. She had a flash of light come up through her head with a great idea. She tricked the wolf. She gave the roof wolf the wrong directions. I myself will get to Grandma's house much faster. And I'll try to get to that granny pistol under her bed. Anyway, the wolf took off and went with the wrong directions. And ladies and gentlemen, with that said, next week we will continue this story of Little Red Riding Hood. And now, for your enjoyment, Una Moon has some more words of wisdom and some song for you. Hello, everyone. This is Una Moon once again, here to help put you in the mood for a spring fever. This weekend arrives with Uranus active once again. Be ready for more change. Opportunity. Opportunities to jump ship will present themselves. Take chances or chance will take you. The electric nature of Uranus can stress your nervous system. Headaches and anxiety may suddenly appear. Eating grounding foods, root veggies, roasted seeds, will nourish you. Grounding activities will also keep you firmly rooted to reality. Stand in your power, knowing the nourishing earth below your feet, is fully supporting you. Breathe deeply of freely provided life-supporting oxygen. Happy New Year. And now for a few words of wisdom. The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived. I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. And laziness is nothing more than the fact that I'm not alone. And commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly commonly It's been a cold, long, lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the sun, I say, it's all right. Sun, sun, sun, here it comes. Sun, sun, sun, here he comes. Insane in the membrane. Insane in the membrane. Chickster is insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane, I'm telling you. I took it. An alka-seltzer, that doesn't help. I don't know what to do. I need Viagra. I need something. Can't you guys out there in Radioland help me? Oh, my, oh, my. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. You've all heard about your raggedy melodies, everything from opera down to harmony. But I've got a little song that I will sing to you. Why, it's gonna win you through. Now there ain't much to the words, but the music is grand and you'll be singing it to the beat of the band. Now you've all heard about will oh the wisp but give a little and listen to this. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. I said jada. Now here's a little bit of melody. Wow, it's so soothing and appealing to me. Yeah. I said, Yeah. I love you. I love you. I guess he really loves us, you know? It's springtime, everybody, and spring is busting all over. It's beautiful outside. It's nice weather, and I'm the Chickster, and this is Chickster's Nest, and I love you all. You're all wonderful people, and I just want to say enjoy yourself. I've got just one message for you. You work and work for years and years. You're always on the go. You never take a minute off. Too busy making dough. So, someday you say you'll have your fun when you're a millionaire. Imagine all the fun you'll have in your old rocking chair. Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. Enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink. The years, the months, go by as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You worry when the weather's cold. You worry when it's hot. When it's hot. You worry when you're doing well. You worry when you're not. When you're not. It's worry, worry all the time. You don't know how to laugh. Ha, ha. They'll think of something funny when they write your epitaph. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. Enjoy yourself. Even later. While you're still in the pink. Later and later. The years go by as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. Enjoy yourself later It's later than you think Later at night Enjoy yourself later While you're still in the pain Later at night And the years go by Quickly as the wind Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself It's later than you think Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think It's later than you think