Halloween edition with Dylan Brody

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Damas y caballeros. Welcome to the first ever Halloween edition of Registered Ear Offenders. We'll be scarier than usual. Yeah, we have a couple specialty, a couple novelty bits, specialty bits planned. We have a red hand for you to commemorate the occasion. Chris Z here at the helm, as always. My red hand man, my number one, Sal Rodriguez. Numero uno, Salvador Rodriguez. Boy, that's been a while. Have you seen, that guy has not aged well. Remember the handsome dude who played number one on Star Trek The Next Generation? No, no, I am not a nerd. Oh, all right. No, no, you just collect. You're a cool figurine collector. No, I'm just weird is what I've gathered, and eccentric. How about you? How about you? How about you? How the hell are you out there in listener land? We're so happy to be here. We got a special show for you. Give us a call, 800-893-9562, 800-893-9562. Go ahead and give us a call. Share your Halloween stories, share your costume, share your plans for the weekend. When is Halloween exactly, Sal? Halloween is next Wednesday. I got to tell you, your brother's intro music sure has changed a lot over the years. It has. It's gotten darker. As he's gotten older and success has eluded him, it's brought out the worst in him. The name of that song is officially called Tubular Bells, which is not scary, and yet it doesn't sound scary. But since it is now hand-in-hand with The Exorcist, that is just now known as The Exorcist theme, even though the official name is Tubular Bells. It's almost just as a general interest piece, I wonder if we shouldn't compile a list of songs that everybody knows, but nobody knows the name of. For example, how many people out there know what Dueling Banjos is? Everybody's heard Dueling Banjos. Sure. I guarantee there's people out there that can hear, identify it from the first note, but don't know that it's called Dueling Banjos. Sure. Even guys who have been actually raped by Hicks would not be able to recognize Dueling Banjos. Even guys who hear it every night in their nightmares don't know what it's called. You know, another song that's like that, you've ever heard of this one? It's entirely musical, and it goes, no, it has a few lyrics. I think it has one refrain throughout the whole song. It goes, Ba-na-na-na-na, ba-na-na-na-na. Ba-na-na-na-na-na. It was in Swingers. Pick up the pieces. Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, that's right. For the longest time, I did not know what it was called or who sung it. And now I know that it's called Pick Up the Pieces, but I still don't know who sings it. I think that's Average White Band, I think. Ooh. I think that may be the case. Jeremy might know. We got Jeremy Hansen today in the studio today. Our normal guy, Nick Chacon, is out today. I hope he's feeling okay. And we have Jeremy Hansen. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. He's the owner of the station here representing. Hey, what's up, guys? Do you know, is that song Average White Band? I have no idea, but my friend here, David, says yes. Yeah. I won. I would have won the trivia contest. So, Jeremy, where is Nick? What's got him out today? I got a message from Nick, and he's like, hey, I got some, dude, I got some shit to do today, man. Can you cover? Slow it down. Slow it down a little. Yeah, you're talking too fast, Jeremy. You're right. You're right. I will. I did. I think Nick told me last week. The heat had him kind of zapped all summer, and he said, in fact, one day he was so tired he slept through his nap. Hey, you know, if you see Nick Chacon, he's a friend of mine on Facebook, he has a father. His father's on Facebook, and his father looks like a cholo about to kick your ass. Oh, is that where he got the name Chacon from? There's a famous boxer named Bobby Chacon. In fact, Bobby Chacon's son nearly kicked my ass in Pacoima growing up. But he's white as a sheet. Yeah. But his father's a cholo. He's a cholo, man. Hey, by the way, speaking of Facebook, we want to remind our people to like Registered Ear Offenders on Facebook, and we would like to give a special congratulations to, what's his name, Jeff Rosen? No, no, Josh Rosen. Josh Rosen. Out of Weston, Florida, who won the Nine Fingers CD. He was the first person to like us on Facebook last week. Again, we need those likes, guys, so please, whenever you can, get around to that. And go ahead and drop us a line. Leave us a message, right? Yeah, leave us a message on the Registered Ear Offenders page. We also are tweeting. You can find my tweets at Sal Los Angeles. That is mine. Guys, I'm going to give out the phone number one more time, 800-893-9562. Give us a call here, because I've had some complaints, Sal. Complaints about what? I hate to have to call you out on the air, but I have heard from two separate listeners that they logged on to Twitter. Yes. And they're disappointed with the volume of witticisms that you've produced, or not produced, as it were. Since last week, I have tweeted two or three times. Okay. And I will commit to tweeting daily, starting today. All right, guys. Get on there and encourage Sal to tweet daily by showing him your appreciation. What have we got on the show today, man? What are we doing on the show today? We have one of my favorite segments, Sketchy Characters, and we have a special edition of Sketchy Characters. Oh, it's the Halloween episode. It is. And usually, they're comedic in nature, and they're short and sweet, but this one's a lot more morose. It's a lot darker, and I think it'd perfectly fit the occasion. Yes. So I set it aside just for today. We've also got a lot of questions. We've got a lot of questions. We've got confessions. Again, special Halloween edition. At least mine is. I don't know about yours. No, mine is. It's a Halloween confession, and I tell you, man, it's a doozy. It's downright embarrassing. So they're low points, so to speak, in our lives. It just happened to fall in or around Halloween, in or around Halloween. What's interesting is that in a subsequent deal we got here, When We Peaked, coming at the end of the show, is that my confessions and When We Peaked happened on the same night. And also, as our guest said, it's a lot more morose. Yesterday, we've got, my God, playwright. Well, dramaturge is the same. I think the technical term for that. Stand-up comedian, published author, essayist, Dylan Brody. We're happy to have him on the show. We got him coming up. This guy's got a two-page bio here. His bio is tremendous. In fact, it's like single-spaced two pages. I cannot even read all of it. Yeah. His humor segments and commentaries have appeared on KYCY Radio in San Francisco. WBAI Pacifica Radio in New York and Pacifica in Los Angeles as well. He's appeared on A&E's Comedy on the Road, Fox TV's Comedy Express, and has landed solid punchlines on season one and two of Showtime's The Green Room with Paul Provenza. In other words, Chris, he is much, much more successful than us. In other words, he's more successful than I am in comedy and in two or three additional areas. He is successful across the board in three or four different areas where you are the most successful. You and I are struggling to have likes on Facebook. Yeah. I will tell you this, though. Seeing guys like Dylan, seeing guys like Antonio, who was our guest last week, it does give me hope because what I see is a climate of rampant anti-intellectualism in this country, and it's only getting worse. When I see guys that have succeeded by playing to the height of their intelligence, it does motivate me. It does keep me in high spirits. I'm excited. We also have recurring segment, Chris's Corner. That's right. And it just so happens that also this is I have a special Halloween related Christmas corner from quite some time ago. And you and I are wearing costumes today. We are dressed like the village people today. That's right. I'm the construction worker. And I am the police officer. I'm the foreman though. You know, my clothes are clean. My muscles aren't as well developed as the guys that work for me. I know we can't see your muscles today because normally you wear you've been known to wear tank tops to the studio. I have. But as you know, there's a camera in the room now. And I feel like the only reason the only way I can I can be OK with that camera is if I was losing weight and I was documenting my loss. But I don't want people to see me go, hey, he's still he's been talking about eating out there for a long time. I did just get back on the horse, man. Yeah, you've been asking me. I see Chris has been texting me asking me if he'd like to go exercise with him. Yeah, I've been you know, I won't lie, man. This heat wave this summer took me out of the running. Also, I suffered a financial setback. So. I was working a little bit more than usual. Yes. A lot of what I do is physical. And I mean, I was just wiped out, man, for like two or three months. And now I'm getting back in the gym and I feel it. I've lost a lot of strength. But, you know, I'm committed to getting back. I'm not somebody for whom working out is an option. No, I understand. It's not for vanity. No, I understand. I go to I go to garbage if I don't work out. No, no, no. My goal is not to try to be hot, not to try to be skinny. My goal with exercise is just don't look obese. Don't look obese. Can't look obese. Must not look obese. I think it's Kevin James at a funny joke where he said, I just don't want to jiggle when I brush my teeth. That's my goal for work. Yeah. When I bend over into the sink to spit water into the sink, I don't want to see my chest. I was going to do chest and breast like jest, jiggling over the sink. Well, we got started a little late, Sal, so we should jump into the show. All right, man. Hey, Jeremy, you up and at them in there? Can you hit that sketchy character for me? Ladies and gentlemen, a very special edition, a Halloween edition of Sketchy Characters. And now, Sketchy Characters presents Rich Man. Miles Merriweather, a robust, wheelchair-bound man in his 50s, bides time in his lavish office. He exudes the unmistakable aura of a bitter drunk. He takes a hard swallow of scotch. A man of my means can afford the finer things? The finest? Most of the finer things. Dressage horses. Priceless Picassos. Anything except a nude spine. Granted, I was the fool who bought the Maserati. But I was not the fool who attempted to pass a convoy of earthmovers on a winding two-lane highway. That was Jenna, my wife, who miraculously escaped the carnage unscathed. Miles, why is there a huge box in the hall? It's a gift. For your niece. Shit. When is... Sunday. This Sunday? Why didn't you ship it? I thought you might want to choose the card. Christ, Miles. You thought I'd rather her presence show up late than without a fucking card? From now on, leave the thinking to me. He diverts his attention to a photograph of Jenna on his desk. He studies it intently. I love Jenna. Long before she realized that it behooved her to love me. Miles lays the photo face down. He takes a long gulp from his glass. Ten years ago, Jenna phoned me in dire straits. She and her lover were being held without bail. Robert Ranzulli, a truck driver, had built a nationwide network for moving methamphetamine. He bought a big home in a nice neighborhood. Paid in cash. One day, federal agents crashed the network. They were forced to leave their party. That same day, I sold several thousand shares of intel in the unpopular conviction that tech was a bubble soon to burst. My first opulent purchase was Morris Najam, Esquire. Jenna received immunity for her testimony. Miles glances at his watch and smiles ruefully. Jenna should be arriving at the posh night spot she frequents on her nightly girls' nightlife. She's a good girl. She's a good girl. She's a good girl. Paolo, also her personal trainer, tends the bar. Miles pours himself another scotch. Salud! He drowns it with one gulp. The tonic rejuvenates him. You see, countless nights of solitude have helped me see the future. I've been in the forest with the trees and to react accordingly. Such as liquidating my assets and wiring the proceeds to an orphanage in Peru this morning. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Paolo. According to his visa, Paolo wore out his welcome months ago. Miles, Paolo was picked up by the INS. The INS? Good Lord! Send Morris to their downtown detention center. Impossible, love. He left for St. Croix this morning. St. Croix? What for? A lengthy retreat. Perhaps Bill Bernard could assist you. Who the hell is Bill Bernard? He's your travel agent, dear. You saw him just this morning. Of course. I'm visiting my mother next month. Las Vegas is a long way from Little Rock. Fuck you, you limp dick motherfucker. I'll take you for every dime. You hear me? I never loved you. I know. He casually opens his desk drawer. And reaches inside. Pop quiz, class. What is the quickest way to void a life insurance policy? Pfft. What is the quickest way to void a life insurance policy? Pfft. What is the quickest way to void a life insurance policy? What is the quickest way to void a life insurance policy? That's an uplifting episode of Sketchy Characters. That was dark, man. That was probably the darkest thing on the radio besides Orson Welles is War of the Worlds, man. That was... What I do admire is that he requires alcohol to feel suicidal, whereas I do not require it. Yeah, I drink to stave off suicidal thoughts. Exactly. I drink so I don't kill myself. He's doing it all wrong. That was great, man. Was that played off a 78 or a 45? That was a scratchy as hell. Which is the small one? That's the 45. That's the small one. That's the 45. That's the 45. That's the 45. That's the 45. That's the 45. That's the 45. That's the 45. That's the 45. Okay, then that's what it was. They're played off 45s that you found in your attic. That was Sketchy Characters, and we do our best to have that every other week, Sketchy Characters, and that was a very special Halloween episode. Yeah, and you may remember, we were actually supposed to do one last week, but because of Halloween falling on this week, we had to kind of shift things around a little bit, so we're actually going to have another Sketchy Characters for you next week as well. Wow. Yeah. Man, again, we lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. We lost a lot of people. That was scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap scrap how it works? Let it ride for just a few seconds and then you can go ahead and start. The year was 2002. I'm just kidding. All right, we can bring that down. That's just our intro music. Thank you, Jeremy. Sal, I'm not one to subscribe to such nonsense as such lily-livered, you know, naive nonsense as love at first sight, but it didn't happen to me once. I met a girl at a bar, which, by the way, is a bad sign. If you ever see a beautiful girl sitting by herself at a bar drinking straight shots of vodka, there's a reason for that. You know, like when you look, when you're driving down the street and you're like, who would put a perfectly good microwave out on the street corner? No one would. That's why you don't take it because you're going to take, it's going to blow up, it's going to burn your house down. Sometimes, you know, you have to use common sense, but yeah, this girl was as pretty as it could be, man, and we just started talking. You know, I saw her once or twice at karaoke and we ended up dating for a while and it was one of these things that just snowballed out of control and near the end, we started, you know, that crazy pattern where you can't stand each other so every time you're together, you break up. So we started doing that and then we, you know, a day or two would pass and I'd go over there and, you know, one of us would, one of us would, one of us would apologize and we'd get back together or whatever. So finally, one day she surprised me. She threw me a curveball by saying like, no, I can't, I can't do this anymore. You know, I can't function at work. I can't do anything. We keep breaking up. I'm, you know, stressed out all the time. I'm crying all the time and it really, you know, threw a monkey wrench into my plans because at this time it was my turn to go to her house and, you know, somehow think that things were going to be different than they were 24, 48 hours ago. All I keep thinking is that the sex must have been hot to go back and forth like this. You don't go back and forth like that unless the sex is hot. Surprisingly, it was not that hot. Now, I don't want to go off on a tangent but I do remember being disappointed by the fact that she had, um, um, I don't know if there's a medical term for this but that her vagina was like tapioca. You know what I mean? It had white shit pouring out of it? No, it didn't have any discharge. It looked like yogurt. No, that's not what I meant. What I meant is that there was, uh, very little, uh, resistance there. Uh, little, it was not, uh, turgid. Is that the word that I'm looking for? It was not taut. Uh, yeah, it was almost as if it was made from, um, geez, I don't know what, fatty tissue I guess, you know? Uh, whereas ironically, um, the best, the best, uh, sex I've ever had was with a woman who was about 42 years old and, I mean, she just had a, a vice grip in there. I mean, she had a, she had Stallone's over the top grip. Work those kegels, ladies. Work those kegels. Yes, I, but anyway, so, um, when she, she, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was beside myself and, um, you know, she said, listen, just, just give me some time to think, you know, give me like, you know, a day or two to think and then we'll talk. So I leave and, and a couple days pass and she's not responding and, you know, I think I call her once or twice and I'm trying to make up excuses to go over her house. Like, hey, you know, I left some CDs over there. Let me go and get my CDs. Um, and she seems pretty serious about, you know, ending this. So finally, um, you know, I'm sitting in my head going, well, what is she, what exactly is she doing to work this out? So I go over to her place, right? And she lived in an apartment complex and she's not there on a Saturday night, no less. It's like midnight. Sorry to say that I engaged in my first and only act of stalking. You know, I was, why don't I, I do not believe only. I was incensed, Sal, that her way of working out our relationship was going out and hanging out until 2 a.m. Well, you know, where were you thinking, young lady? So I had to, every now and then, I would have to, you know, I would see a car because what I did is I parked, she obviously knew what my car looked like so I had to park on the far end of the parking lot of her apartment complex which meant I couldn't see if she had come home. So every, I don't know, 20, 30 minutes I'd have to get out and truck over to her place, you know, and it was, you know, I learned a lesson in confidence. Whatever you do, you have to do it with confidence because occasionally people would walk by and you had to act like you belonged walking around in that complex at 12, 12.30, 1 a.m. Not stalking, not stalking. Right, yeah, and she had like a little kind of like a screened-in porch and you could see like, then there was like a window that you could kind of see into her kitchen, you know, and so I had to go and like position myself at the far end because I wanted to make sure she hadn't come home with anybody and thank God she didn't because I would have made one of, it would have been one of those things where you ever hear a guy just like ruins his life over something incredibly stupid, you know, like a minor traffic, you know, dispute or something and you just read the paper and go, God, I hope it was worth it. Well, Chris, unless you tell me you had a large butcher knife in your hand, I don't see how this is related to Halloween. I was stalking like a stalker. Isn't that kind of Halloween-ish? If you had a knife in your hand, yes. I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of a knife in my hand. We also give our speakers the opportunity to make an amends if they wish. Do you wish to make an amends to this young lady? Absolutely not. Though I will tell you this, I'll do you one better. I actually had a photograph of her and I took it to the, whatever the photograph place and I had it enlarged so that I could put it on the web because this was the girl, but this is a separate story so I don't want to give too much away, who waited way too long to tell me she had herpes. Oh, now that's a Halloween episode right there. Back then, the internet was new, but I, I did have an inkling of its power so I wanted to make sure that everybody out there knew not, that there was a reason that this girl was 21 years old, very pretty and sitting at the bar drinking shots of tequila by her, sorry, shots of vodka by herself. So anyway, that's my confession. All right, man. I'm sticking to it. Thank you, Chris. My confession relates, now this is directly related to Halloween because I used to work at a haunted house at Magic Mountain. Over here in Valencia, California, we have a theme park called Magic Mountain, Six Flags Magic Mountain and once a year, they have a special Halloween haunt. So, I worked there one year and I met a very large girl. She was young. She was large. This was a big girl. This girl was like 6'2". She was huge and heavy. I mean, she probably could have been a professional wrestler if she was so large and she was in a clown outfit. She had the makeup. She had the full-on clown regalia and she was like a crazy demented clown and she would just jump out at you when you would go through the haunted house. Well, you know, you work there a few nights and you make friends with people. Well, I don't know how she divulged this or why she let people know, but she let people know that she liked to give blowjobs. It got so far one time I went to visit her in her little section and I don't know how she started sucking on my fingers and I had to reach up to put my hand in her mouth. So, she started sucking on my fingers. So, she's like, I want to suck you. Suck your cock. And so, I said, okay. So, on our break, we went to this little dark corner of the haunted house and she got on her knees. I had to stand on a stool, I believe. She said. And she blew me with her big clown. I was blown by a big, fat, scary clown. All right. So, we've established that she was too tall. Yes. We've established that she was. And you know, I'm five foot seven. So, let's be clear. She was really tall and I'm, I am not tall. So, she was not Gabrielle Reese. You know, she was like six feet. No, no, no. She was no volleyball player. She was not a runway model. No, no, no. She was heavy as well. However, was she the least bit attractive? No. Okay. But, and what, what made it. But this corner was dark. It was dark. End of story. But, there was just enough light for me to look down and see this scary clown face on my dick. I mean, that memory is just burned into my brain. So, every Halloween, I think of the large, fat, horny clown that blew me in the darkness. Now, did the clown face turn you on or turn you off? Uh, it made me come quicker. It made me, because I was like, I gotta come before she kills me. I feel like, I feel like you're, you're Paul Ryan-ing the question here. You said it made me come quicker. Is that because you wanted to get it over with or because you were hornier and that much more excited that you couldn't, oh, I just, I couldn't last. Well, I needed to get back. We both needed to get back to our work, which was scaring people. So, once I was done being scared, then we went to go back. So, that's my confession and there aren't, it's no amends because she really loved it. I mean, you know, guys, there are women out there that love giving blowjobs. Who knew? My God, where does the time go, Sal? We're already 10 minutes behind. Let's go straight to our guest here. Man, I've been looking forward to having this guy on our show for several weeks. He writes and performs weekly for the David Feldman Show on, I wrote over it, sorry guys, on KPFK. His material runs on XM Satellite Radio and, oh, look, there we go. He's an award-winning playwright, internationally acclaimed, best-selling author, a humorist, a storyteller. His CDs are available from Stand Up Records at Amazon and downloadable at iTunes. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show, Dylan Brody. Dylan Brody, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Sal. And Chris, how are you? Welcome. Hey, listen, you can feel free to put on the headphones, but I noticed our guest last week, Antonio Sacri, did not enjoy having the headphones on. So, do as you will, wear the headphones, don't, whatever you like. Well, I'm sitting in the room with you, the headphones, to use amplification to hear someone I'm sitting across the table from, it's like using an ice cream scoop to pick your nose. I've tried that. It's excessive. We want you to be comfortable, Dylan, so whatever you like, headphones or not, as long as you're here with us. By the way, Dylan is officially our best-dressed guest ever. He's wearing a silk vest. Yeah, Dylan, if you would, turn to the camera. There's a camera? There is a camera right up there. Wave to the camera, let them see you. Also, very nice hair. I'm so jealous of what great hair. He's nicely dressed, he's got great hair, and he's talented, and he's tall. My favorite thing is to come on a radio show and just be talked about, not actually say anything. Just let people know. Please, we're talking here now. We're not done yet, Dylan. Before we get underway, I have a couple of quick things to say. Jonathan Frakes was the name you were looking for earlier, number one from Star Trek The Next Generation. Jesus. And the circus song, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Know the title? Do you know the title of the circus song? Everybody knows the song? Sure. It's called Enter the Gladiators. Oh, yeah, because that sounds appropriate. That's the worst possible name for that tune. That's about number 600 on my list of guesses. Wow, this is amazing, man. I'm looking at your bio here. Early 2007, Dylan Brody's Thinking Aloud brought long-form humor and insight, literate and literary, to a broad-based audience. The show, the first of its kind ever, enjoyed a successful six-month run on the main stage at the Hollywood Improv. That's amazing, man. It's a stand-up comedy club, a who's who for stand-up comedians, and you're telling me they brought in your one-man show for a six-month run? It wasn't a one-man show. It was, it was a show that I produced where I had other storytellers, other spoken word artists, and then I would get to introduce them to the world. And I now produce that show pretty much monthly at the Fake Gallery in Hollywood. I only recently became aware that you contribute regularly to the, what is it, the Huffington Post? I contribute semi-regularly to the Huffington Post. I do commentary for John Raby's Off-Ramp on KPCC for the past few months. What is it typically, sociopolitical commentary? The stuff for Huffington Post generally is the stuff for KPCC is just sort of funny, whatever I think of for 500 words. And I send it in to John and he says, oh yeah, yeah, come and do that, but cut the third paragraph because it's not funny. No, I think the first time I saw Dylan perform it was at the Third Street Promenade. And I wasn't aware of the embarrassment of riches that he possesses as an artist. And since then, it's just been, I've been continually impressed by what I've seen you do. I think you were just telling the world's dumbest, the world's dumbest, the world's stupidest mugging story. That's a great story. And it's available on one of your CDs. It is nested within a story called Xenophobia and the Jewish Druid on my first CD, Brevity, available from Stand Up Records at Amazon.com and iTunes. Guys, we got a clip of Dylan Brody today. It's from his third CD, A Twist of the Wit. So Jeremy, can you please cue up? Those who are familiar with my work will know that, and really, who isn't? Many of my stories can be lengthy and heavy and multi-textured shades of gray like the prominent proboscis of the ponderous pagoderm. This first piece, to maintain the mammalian metaphor, is little more than a bit or two of gerbil fuzz, a bit or two of verbal jazz. It is a twist of the wit, a trick of the tongue, a tantalizing taste of linguistic terpsichore. It is a pithy parcel of prosodic prestidigitation, if you will. And if you won't, you're a bunch of anti-semantic bastards. I like to support the arts. On my way home, I stopped at a convenience store to buy milk for my morning coffee, ice cream for my wife. On the way in, I was approached by an unemployed magician. He had the haunted eyes of a hungry hound. He said, I got a quarter in my pocket. I can make it disappear. I got a quarter in my pocket. I can make it disappear. I said, show me. I swear to you, all he did was snap his fingers. He said, it's gone. I said, where did it go? He said, check your pocket. I checked my pocket, and sure enough, there, amongst all my other loose chains, a bright, shiny quarter. I said, how do I know this is yours? He said, check the date. I said, it's from 1994. He said, that's mine. I returned it to him. I said, show me again. He said, I never repeat myself. I never repeat myself. I said, show me another. He said, I will need a $10 bill. I said, all I have is a $20. He said, that will do. I handed him a $20 bill. He folded it up tight right in front of me. No abracadabra. No abracadabra. When he unfolded it again, it was a five. He returned it to me. I said, that's amazing. Change it back. He said, if I could change fives into twenties, I wouldn't be out here working for tips. I said, I'm sorry. I didn't know I was supposed to tip you. I like to support the arts. I gave him the five. He thanked me for my patronage. I went into the convenience store. I bought milk for my morning coffee. I bought ice cream for my wife. As I came back out, he was approaching another man in the parking lot. He said, I got a quarter in my pocket. I can make it disappear. I got a quarter in my pocket. I can make it disappear. I watched him with the hungry eyes of a hunting hawk and I swear to you, ladies and gentlemen, all he did was snap his finger. And that was... The failure of my work will know. Yeah, just keep running it over and over again for the rest of the show. Yeah, yeah, we're just going to run it on a loop. That was from a twist of... Encore, encore. Twist of the wit. Tell us, you've also studied at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London. What was that like? I did my senior year of college at the Royal Academy, the very, very pompous Royal Academy. I studied, you know, stage combat and elocution and breath control and Shakespeare and textual deconstruction and theater history. I have a funny story, actually, I hope. While I was there, a friend of mine called me. He was studying at the marginally less pompous London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts. And he said, I'm in a Tennessee Williams play. Will you come see it? And to my mind, nothing promises a great evening of theater like British college students doing American Southern accents. So I put on my very best go-to-theater shirt and I took the tube over to Lambda. And it was a pretty good show. And there's this one woman who was just gorgeous. She was just stunning. And she was funny and she was funny. She had a pretty good accent. So when my friend said, do you want to go out with us for a pint afterwards? I said, yeah. And I went out for a pint. I was flirting with this woman and drinking the lukewarm beer and the giant glasses. We'd been talking for about an hour and a half when I realized that I had not learned her name. And there's that point in a conversation where it's no longer appropriate to say, I'm sorry, I'm too self-involved to be allowed out in public. But it had been going pretty well and I was charming and I was thin. And attractive and young. And I had my exotic American accent going for me. So that was all good. So I figured I could get away with this. And I said, oh, I'm sorry, what is your full name? As though I was going to do some bar trick where I numerologically added up the letters and told her fortune. In fact, as I said it, I think I was actually devising a numerological bar trick where I would add up the letters in her name and tell her fortune. And she said, oh, it's Julie Kate Olivier. And I said, oh, really? Any relation to Sir Lawrence? Because I wanted, you know, to be smarmy enough that she would know that I knew that she had heard this joke. And I knew that she had heard it like every day since she had gone into theater. But she was comfortable with who she was. So she said, yes, he's my father. And I had ambitions for Shakespearean proportions. And at that moment, she went from being a hot prospect to being a golden ticket. Like for an hour and a half, I'd been thinking of ways of taking advantage of her. And now all I could think of was ways to take advantage of her. And I knew that if I waited just a moment longer, she was going to see what was going on in my head and my venal American, and ambitious eyes. So I covered by taking a sip of the beer. And I steered my focus back to the drape of her hair and the curve of her neck and that place at the front of her clavicle where I knew if I touched her with my lips and breathed out through my nose, I could make her go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I had this moment going in my head. And I imagine waking up next to her in those stiff, low thread count British sheets and having tea with her in the morning over a Formica tabletop with the cool British sunlight slanting in through a window between, and then unbidden in the morning, into my fantasy, her father came down the stairs to join us, probably emerging from a tryst with Danny Kaye. And he was wearing like a burgundy bathrobe and velour slippers. And the image was, I could see the pale blue veins through the translucent flesh of his spindly old English actor legs. And it was just vivid and big and huge in my head. And the image just pushed the beer out through my nose. And I, in order to protect my expensive shirt, caught it in my glass. And then I looked to Julie Kate Olivier, hoping to hear, oh, cricket or jolly well done, whatever the hell British people say when they see ninja-like reflexes in action. And I saw a look of horror in her eyes as from her perspective, this venal American actor had heard of her noble theatrical lineage and tried to impress her with a bar trick in which he recycled beer through his own sinus cavity into his own glass. And I heard a voice in my head that spoke with exquisite breath control and elegant and elegant. And I heard a voice that said, and the voice said, not to be. And that's probably my most vivid memory from going to Rada. I thought you were going with the, she thought you did a spit take. No, no, no. It was just, no, it was grotesque. It was a true moment of personal grotesquery that I carry with me in my closet of shame. Was it followed by a hacking cough for several minutes long? I like, Dylan, that you referenced Danny Kaye. Chris, finally we have a guest that makes references older than mine. Chris gives me a hard time when I reference Bela Lugosi. First of all, I would think of Bela Lugosi as an older reference than Danny Kaye. It's a reference pre-1970. Chris gives me a hard time when he says most of my references are pre-1970. Well, I think I give Sal a hard time particularly because he'll often stare at you wide-eyed when you use references from 15, 20 years ago. But then in the next breath, he'll drop a... I don't want to get into your marriage little argument. Hey, tell us about your martial arts. You are a practitioner of the martial arts, namely Taekwondo. I'm a Taekwondo master, a Hapkido instructor, a Kikwondo instructor. That's a Korean sword style. And I mainly study the martial arts as a way of making myself more attractive to giant, demented, blowjob-giving clowns. Yeah, it changed my world. It changed my life. You wrote a show about it. I have a one-person show called More Arts, Less Martial. It talks about the way in which it changed my world. It allowed me to quit smoking pot. It allowed me to quit smoking cigarettes. And ultimately allowed me to be less angry all the damn time. How long ago was that? And what made you focus on martial arts versus golf or alcohol? Well, first of all, coming out of the theatrical training that I had, I had a lot of stage combat, a lot of sword play. And had somehow managed to do all of this sword play without ever thinking of myself as athletic because I was a non-athletic kid to begin with. And I went to my therapist. I had gone into a deep depression. I can tell I'm going into a depression when I wake up in the morning and I go to shave and I look in the mirror and my first thought is, oh, great, this guy again. Then I know that my mood is about to spiral like Larry Flint at the Guggenheim. So my wife had finally said, yeah, I have to talk to someone. You're a professional. You're absorbing all the light in the apartment. And I went into therapy. And about two weeks into therapy, I walked past a martial arts studio and saw swords in the window and thought, oh, well, that sort of plays into something that I've always wanted to and it's interesting. And it seemed to me like a way of getting some physical exercise while approaching it from sort of a philosophical and intellectual perspective, which is how I approach everything because I am deeply, deeply pompous. And... I wouldn't know that by the vest. I'm being mocked. I come here. I sit in the back of your limo. I ride down. I, you know, they cut me off at the shrimp bar at your craft services table. You sucked up all the blue label, by the way. And now I'm being mocked for my vest. I did suck up all the blue label, but the truth is there was only half a bottle left and no glasses. Dylan, let me ask you this. I remember when... You can ask me anything, Chris Z. At a chance meeting, you mentioned that you were in some kind of negotiation to share a stage with the unknown comic and there was some kind of dispute versus I think they wanted you to open for him and you were insistent that he should be opening for you. Did that ever pan out? Wow, this was a long time ago and that's not exactly what was going on, but that sounds like something I would say. Was this before or after Danny Kaye? Murray Langston was the unknown comic. From The Gong Show. Yes, the unknown comic from The Gong Show. And as you may or may not know, that all had to do with the writer's strike that was on at the time. So it may be wrong of me to out him as the unknown comic. No, he already outed himself. Yeah, he has. And it happened, there was a club in Florida that I wanted to go play. It was a jazz club and I thought it would be very cool to do my spoken word stuff at a jazz club where I really wouldn't feel obligated to be funny every 15 seconds and I could just put words in order and sound cool. And they said, we'd like to have Murray Langston work with you. We know him, we've got a relationship. And I said, that's great. But it wasn't who would go first. It was who would get billed as headliner. Because we would both probably do about the same amount of time. We could have been co-headliners. I didn't care. But the question was whether I was going to be booked as a feature act or not. Because as a feature act, I cannot comfortably negotiate for the kind of money that I need to make for a trip to Florida to be tolerable. I think performing in Florida, you cannot, you cannot negotiate for enough money to perform in Florida. Chris is from Florida originally. You'd be surprised. You may not be doing it yet, but there are some gigs and clubs in Florida that pay enough to make up for the size of the mosquitoes. And the age of the clientele? See, that's not a problem for me. The age, I work very well to an elderly demographic. I don't say fuck a lot. I, I, I do scrap scrap scrap scrap way that was more acceptable years ago than it is now. You remind me of Robert Klein all of a sudden. This does not bother me even a little bit. Yeah, you do. You remind me of Robert Klein without the tweed, of course. I've been known to wear tweed. Well, finish the story. So what happened with the unknown comic then? The gig never came together. As you may or may not know, there was a huge hurricane that destroyed New Orleans a few years ago. And as a byproduct, did some damage to a great deal of the Gulf Coast tourism in Florida as well. I've got to research this. And that closed the club that we were trying to get into. But he seems like a nice man. And he was, he's even like a person, a perfectly lovely human. I'm curious about, it seems that you do perform outside of, you know, nationally, let's say. What kind of age and what kind of representation books someone like you? Because you're somewhat unique. I mean, you're... Not any. I had a manager for a long time who was booking me and he was pretty good about understanding what I was about. And now I'm doing a lot of my own booking while I look for someone who can figure out how to book me. Because what I do isn't normal. I don't work all that. I mean, I can do straight ahead stand-up comedy and headline. In fact, I'm doing one tomorrow evening at the Actors Comedy Studio on Beverly in Hollywood. $5 at the door. $5 at the door. But if you say purveyor of fine words and phrases, you get in free. Say that fast. Purveyor of fine words and phrases. Purveyor of fine words and phrases. Purveyor of fine words and phrases. See, I've already messed it up as a tongue twister. You're a hybrid. You're multi-talented and you're a hybrid. So yeah, sometimes it's hard. That's correct. I am part wolf. Yeah, it's hard to categorize you sometimes, right? People need to try to fit you in a box. I, yes. Which is why when I find a box, I want it to be made of tapioca. What? These are some... Impressive credentials. Dylan has shared comedy stages from New York to Los Angeles with some of the comedy world's biggest stars, including Adam Sandler, Dennis Miller, John Lovitz, Larry Miller, Norm MacDonald. I mean, Richard Belzer. My God, these are comedy legends. Well, I've been around for a long-ass time is the thing. And they weren't comedy legends when I was sharing the stage with them. Or the stairs. I used to hang out on the stairs with Richard Belzer in the old days. I was the house emcee at a place called Chrissy Francis' Hollywood Comedy Room in the... The mid-80s. And these were all guys that used to come in and work there. I worked with Adam Sandler when I was still a feature act. I think I may have been opening at that point, and he was the feature. On the East Coast, I was doing a little tour. And didn't understand why people loved him yet. Dylan, let me ask you about your novels. You've written A Tale of a Hero, Song of a Sword, Warm Hello. Are these comedy slanted works? No. Not even a little bit. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero. A Tale of a Hero and the Song of a Sword is a feminist anthem for the young adult market. It's about a young woman who goes to hero school. It's adventure fantasy. The Warm Hello was science fiction. It's still science fiction. I haven't changed it. I have a new novel that I haven't yet sold called Laughs Last that is set entirely in the comedy world that I have great blurbs on from Carl Reiner and Krasner, Paul Krasner. But you're so witty. You're so humorous. Oh, thank you. No. When you sit down to write, do you have to tell yourself, don't be funny? Don't be funny. No. Not at all. Here's the thing. Oh, that sounded like the sound effect of the guy drinking scotch from your earlier sketch. If what I'm writing isn't funny, it doesn't come out funny. My next CD, in fact, is going to have a lot of stuff that's not all that funny on it because I'm not afraid of being who I am and doing what I do. That's not true. I'm a little afraid. But I don't let that stop me from being who I am. I'm not afraid of being who I am and doing what I do. When I'm writing science fiction, if something funny comes up in the course of what I'm writing, I'll allow that to happen on the page. There's no rule that says you can't be funny when you're writing other genres. But the truth is, whatever I'm writing has its own tone and its own natural rhythms. And those aren't always funny. Part of the difficulty of living in Hollywood, which is not about art, it's about an industry of entertainment. Yes. And entertainment, of course, is the word people use when they don't want to take responsibility for what they're saying through their art. I find people wanting to pigeonhole me, wanting to pigeonhole everyone because they want to know what they are selling and how they are selling it and how it is branded. Everything's a product. And I'm aware that I live in this world, in this society, in this culture, and yet I don't want to be untrue to who I am and what I do in order to give in to that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. as a purveyor of fine words and phrases. I allow myself the freedom to be funny or to be eloquent or to be moving or to be poignant or to be pompous or poetic or naked, depending on what the circumstance requires. Or vest wearing. Or vest wearing. By this clothing vested on me, I hereby something. It's funny. I'll be the judge of that. Something you said reminded me. It is funny that people will sometimes, when they hear that you're a comedian, they'll be like, oh, you're talking about I got into a car accident. Oh, that was a bit right there. No, what on earth would make you think? No, I lost my leg. How do I mine humor from an entirely humorless situation? But the truth is, to my mind, all of those things are mineable. I agree with you in that respect that there's a story there. It doesn't necessarily mean it's comedic in nature. My grandmother once said to me, we are Jews. We do not believe in tragedy. We believe in horror, atrocity, and injustice. And we recognize that they're all hilarious. Dylan, we'd like to thank you for joining us Gentiles today. We're going to move right along. We've got a very limited time frame here. We're going to move into Chris's corner where you can sit and judge his writing. And I'd love to hear, you could take me aside later and tell me what you think of it. Feel free to provide color commentary after the fact. Ladies and gentlemen, one more, big round of applause for Dylan Brody. Mr. Dylan Brody. See, the chronological disorder, his fourth CD with standup records was released on February 14th, 2012. And you can hear his comedic segments on the CBS Interactive Network streaming to approximately 1.5 million listeners daily. With that said, time for me to move on to my contribution to the show. This is Chris's Corner. We do have a very special sponsor for Chris's Corner today. It is Story Salon, which has been going on for 14 years. Every Wednesday at 8 p.m. at the Coffee Fix at 12508 Moore Park Street, Studio City, California. 9-1-6-0-4. Their number is 818-762-0181. They've got free Wi-Fi, organic coffees for sale. Their hours are Monday through Saturday, 8 to 9 p.m. Sunday, 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Across the street from the Oyster House and the Studio City Library. Tell them Sal and Chris of Registered Ear Offenders sent you that Story Salon at Coffee Fix Wednesdays, 8 p.m. 12508 Moore Park Street, Studio City, California. Chris's Corner. Chris's Corner is also brought to you by the Republican Party. The Republican Party, because the problem with feudalism, feudalism was all that noblesse oblige. In 1993, I was 17. I had long hair and spent most of my free time brooding over nothing of consequence. I kept my grades just high enough to keep my parents off my back. I was the class clown, in class and out. I kept the life-size cardboard cutout of martial artist and B-movie leading man Jean-Claude Van Damme in the backseat of my car. First time passengers would glimpse Jean in the rearview mirror and recoil with fright. It never got old. Rick Thayer was a bona fide misfit. That was all the commonality we needed to form a friendship. Rick's parents were beyond strict. They were borderline cruel. He never caused any real trouble, but they constantly treated him like he did. They read his journal, threatened him with drug tests. They often denied him permission to embark on some outing or another, seemingly just for the sake of saying no. On one occasion, when unforeseen circumstances forced them to leave town without him, Rick's parents expressly stated that they would be returning sometime Sunday. Sunday, October 31st. Saturday night arrived. I came in costume. My disguise consisted of nothing more than my Jean-Claude Van Damme cardboard cutout held up in front of me. I knocked. I heard the door open. I'm here for Rick's party, I shouted. Silence. I'm here for Rick's party, I reiterated with greater intensity. The silence abided. I peeked over Jean-Claude's shoulder to find a middle-aged married couple where Rick was supposed to be standing. The couple wore matching his and her scowl masks. Richard, come here, Maritza shouted. A skittish Rick appeared at the hallway's end. I thought you weren't throwing a party, she hissed. I'm not, Rick whimpered. I was just having some friends over. Plagued with guilt for sealing my friend's fate, I tried to retract my words by suggesting something to the effect of, no, no, no, Rick's not throwing a party. I just meant that if I'm here, it's a party. Maritza, who had never expressed the warmth towards me that one would expect from a close friend's mom, stared with contempt. Just then, a pickup truck pulled into the driveway. The three teens in the cab were covered in soap suds from having just passed through the car wash unsheltered. When just enough time had elapsed for the driver to process what was taking place, the trucks sped off. The jig was officially, up. However, I have never been one to concede defeat. Instead, I looked Maritza in the eyes and inquired, what do you think, what do you think that was about? She slammed the door in my face. That was Chris's Corner, a very special Halloween edition. A Halloween edition of Chris's Corner. Jeremy, I want to ask you, are we ending right at two today or do we have the extra couple of minutes? You got, you got a, yeah, you got a few minutes. Okay, great, because we did start a little bit late, so I wanted to ask you that. Okay, listen, we have a very special segment next. Thank you for Chris's Corner. We have next, When We Peaked Halloween Edition. I'd like to breeze through this because I would love to see if Dylan has anything to add to this, any of his special When We Peaked. Although he's still on his way, so he is not. When We Peaked is a segment, Dylan, where we talk about times in our lives that were peak moments, when we were at our best, maybe we were young, maybe we were hopeful, optimistic. Not like now. So you might still be headed towards your peak. When We Peaked is brought to you by Log Cabin Republicans. Log Cabin Republicans, elevating self-sabotage to a political ideology. Thank you. That is our sponsor. Yeah, a lot more sponsorship than this show in the past. That's it. All right, When We Peaked, we have a special Halloween intro, and mine is themed towards Halloween for When We Peaked. Kind of spooky, kind of new age spooky. All right, that's good. Thank you, Jeremy. All right, When We Peaked. This is connected because it occurred during the same time as my confessions when I had my killer clown encounter. I was about 19 or 20 years old. I was working at the haunted house at Magic Mountain, and it was a peak moment for me because it was probably the greatest time I had earning money. I was dressed. It looked like my face was ripped off. I had blood all over me. I was dressed as sort of an old-time gardener. That was my official title, was old-time gardener. And I ran around with a chainsaw. They didn't have the chainsaws in the old-time days, but I ran around with my chainsaw, and I mowed down audiences. I would knock people down like dominoes as I ran with my chainsaw. I would jump off the railing. I would jump out of bushes. I would chase people through the amusement park with my chainsaw, and I would chase people through the amusement park with my chainsaw. I was so crazy and had such a great time with this, not intoxicated on weed or alcohol, Dylan. They had to make rules. The next year, I understood, they made rules. Do not chase people. Do not jump off railings. Do not jump out of bushes. In other words, everything that I did, I was so crazy and nuts as a chainsaw killer for the Halloween spectacular, they had to make rules. That was my peak moment, 19 years old, old-time chainsaw gardener, six flags, magic mountain, my Halloween peak moment. Hey. I have a, my, my, when we peaked, takes us back, Sal. Takes us back a little bit further than I usually go, which as you know. You usually stop at 17 and don't go beyond that. 17 years old, yeah. That was a high point. When I was 17, it was such a good year. So there were, there were peaks along the way to the summit. You know what I mean? They were smaller. There were hills along the way to the mountain. I was 13 years old. So that was a good 23 years ago. I attended a Halloween party. I was in sixth or seventh grade. And I took it too seriously. I had a grim reaper costume and I had my mother spend a good half an hour making my face into a skull, you know, with a little kid, black and white, with the teeth on my lips. I'm surprised it took that long. I was very particular and insistent that she, you know, she get it right. Dylan, did you get that? All James Carville needs for Halloween is a scythe. There we go. Thank you, Dylan. So I show up at the party and you know, I'm in my dress and a game of truth or dare springs up. I'm listening, I'm listening. Yeah, an attractive young lady named Courtney McAllister, I still remember it, was there. And you know, I'd seen her. I never thought twice about her. And she mentioned that she liked me. The truth or dare, and she mentioned she liked me. So when it came to me, they're like, do you like Courtney? I was like, fuck yeah, of course I like her. I never thought, given her a second thought, but because she was a willing female, you know, I seized the opportunity and we ended up making out. That was my very first kiss, Halloween, 23 years ago. And here's that, here's a nice little epilogue to that. Only a few weeks before, by pure coincidence, I had asked my brother, my big brother's about four years older than me. I said, oh, you know, how do you, how do you kiss a girl? You know, how do you, how do you make out with a girl? I've never done it before. And he said, ah, you know, there's nothing to it, man. It comes naturally. You know, when you're there, you'll know exactly what to do. And sure enough, it was the truth, man. It was just the easy, it was somehow second nature, even though I'd never done it before. I usually just imagine I'm eating tapioca pudding. Dylan, have you got either a when we peaked story or a Halloween story or a when we peaked Halloween story? Well, first of all, let me say my answer to when I peaked would always be three and a half minutes, three and a half hours after I dropped. Yeah. Always be the answer to that question. Are you experienced? I have a Halloween story that, I was, I was in Greenwich Village on Halloween evening. And Greenwich Village in New York City on Halloween evening is a magnificent place. It's just men everywhere dressed up in their happiest fantasies. Men who have been out of the closet for years have found deeper, darker closets with new wardrobe to pull out and try on. And I was standing at a corner, waiting to cross the street. And standing next to me was a young leather couple. A man in a leather vest and a leather cowboy hat and combat boots. And his leather boy slave was wearing nothing but what I can only describe as a suede scrotal sling. And I could tell who was the master because he had the other guy by the leash. And I smiled at them because it occurred to me that we live in a world where if you wait long enough and you're open enough to the possibilities, anyone can find someone to love. And as we're standing there, another couple dressed as sperm for the holiday danced up the street past us. In case we couldn't tell what they were, they were singing, Sperm, glorious sperm. I don't remember the whole song. Hot jizz in my mustache. I don't know. They went on up the street. And the leather boy slave turned to the leather boy master and said, Freaks. And it occurred to me that we live in a wonderful world where if you wait long enough and you're open enough to the possibilities, anyone can find somebody to judge harshly. Dylan Brody, ladies and gentlemen, tell our listeners where they can see you and where they can hear you. You can see me tomorrow evening. That is Saturday evening at the Actors Comedy Studio. In Hollywood, say the words purveyor, find words and phrases to get in free. You can hear me regularly on KPCC, John Raby's Off-Ramp. You can hear me on KPFK, on the David Feldman Show. You can buy me at amazon.com or iTunes. Great. And my name is Sal Rodriguez. I will be here tomorrow to be on Bad Advice here at 2 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Chris, where are you going to be? I'm going to be performing at the Young & Young Show in Tujunga, California tonight. It's 8 p.m. It's a free show, family-friendly, clean-cut, and it's going to be a great show. It's a great comedy. Very nice. The Young & Young Show is brought to you by Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan, bad math for a brighter future. We'd like to thank Skid Row Studios, Jeremy Hansen, our producer today, and we'd like to thank Wes Hambright, Orange Dog Music. Like us on Facebook, guys. We're here every Friday, Skid Row Studios, 1 to 2 p.m., registered ear offenders. Thank you. 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