Persian comedians Kayvon and Melissa compete in back waxing and gold chain challenges

All right. All right. Welcome to Skid Row Studios for round six installment of Battle of the Sexes. I'm your main host today, Nikki Bernal, with my co-host, Dave Swan. Hello. Hi, guys. And sitting across the table, ready for battle, ready to put the gloves on, is the hilarious, the fabulous Kayvon. Yes. I thought you were going to talk about you first. Melissa's like, yeah, I'm the one who's fabulous. No, we saved the best for last, females. Kayvon's fabulous. Everybody's fabulous. You guys are Persian. You're automatically fabulous. I'm only half, but I'll take it. It's fine. You guys are both half. And also, Melissa, Shoshahi, let's give it up for Melissa, too. Both of our fantastic guests for the day. Very nice to see you. Very nice to see you. You guys have worked together before, right? Yeah. I knew her before she was even doing comedy, I think. I was on, what is it, a Persian radio station? Persian channel, but sure. Persian channel. This is crazy. We actually have a picture of the two of you. Let's pull this up, Andy. Where is the picture? I can see it over there. We can see it, but they can't see it, right? Anything you can see, I can see that. I sent in a photo. I sent in a photo. I sent in a photo. I sent in a photo of us from seven years ago. Seven years ago. I was a young man. You have more clothing on. I'm actually going to pull up the picture so Kayvon can see it. Okay, there we go. Look at that photo, guys. And look, I used to wear suits that didn't fit me. I know. I was going to say, now Kayvon's got the muscles to fit his dad's suit. Honestly, though, I don't think we've aged. No, we haven't aged. Persians don't age. No, we're like vampires. If anything, I lost weight and he lost that suit. No, that's a good thing. That was the most ugly suit I've ever seen. Or you have the muscles to fill in the suit you borrowed from your dad now. That's right. I show this photo to my parents. I'm like, look, I am almost married. I know. Almost married. There's a man in a suit next to me. Your guys are covered. All right. Two nice Persian men. Half Persian men. A lot of Persian girls don't want to marry a Persian man, but their parents, they demand it. So that's where I fill in the blanks. Right there. Hey, let's go half. Compromise, everybody. Actually, my parents don't demand a Persian man. They just demand a man. A man? At this point, we just want to get married. See, my parents don't even demand a man. They just demand grandkids now at this point. Oh, wow. So they really lowered their standards. Exactly. And they're Catholic. That's just wrong. That's just wrong. So you're both half Persian, Persian American, or Iranian. I'm full Persian. You're full Persian. I'm full Iranian. Okay, but you're Iranian and Scottish. Yeah, my dad is Iranian, but you wouldn't know it if you met him. Really? He bought a cowboy hat and an American flag. He's trying to lay real low right now. This is all in Nevada, right? This is in Nevada. This is in Nevada. Reno, Nevada. Oh, okay. Yeah, then that makes a lot more sense. So that's where we were born and raised. So when I moved out to LA, I had to realize, oh, there's stereotypes. I got to learn about this stuff because I don't even know what being Persian was all about. She's helping me a little bit, telling me what cars I need and what clothes I should be buying. Not that suit. BMW, cologne, cologne, chest hair. Oh, he has it. He's got the chest hair. I used to shave it, but now it's okay. All his muscles. I'm intimidated. I should have started working out for this battle. Yeah, that's what I did. I was doing pushups for this mental battle. That's hilarious. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. So LA. When I met you, you were like doing spin class or something. I taught one two days ago. Oh, you teach spin classes? Yeah, I teach spin one day every three months and I keep a free membership for doing it at the gym for the last 12 years. You're kidding. What gym do you do this at? 24 Hour Fitness. Oh, okay. How do you get into teaching spin classes? Well, that was my first time in front of people. I wanted to do stand-up comedy, but I didn't know how and how to start. I was like, if I teach, if I teach spin class, then I'm in front of people. Nikki needs food in front of her. No, no, no. I'm paying attention. Keep talking. No, but I thought that would be a great way to get in front of people, but it's hard to make people laugh when their tongue is hanging out of their mouth and they're sweating. So it wasn't a good crossover, but it was a good start. So do you crack jokes while you're doing the spin class? Yeah, and nobody laughs. At all. It's like the worst. I don't care how to. Yeah. Give me an example. Give me an example. I might have done a spin class for a while. Yeah, I'll be like, hey guys, you know what? It's summer, which means bikini season around the corner. If I'm going to fit in mine, it's time to work harder. And they're just like, that's not funny. They're like, shut up, please. Yeah, and I'm like, all right, pretend you're being chased down the hill. Look out in the back row. Here comes a bad guy. They're just like, no, dude, just you're killing us. Just do the music. Inspire us, all right? All right, you guys stand up now. Get a stand up. Yeah, they don't even listen. Except there's one girl in spin class who gets really into it. She thinks she's at the club. Yeah. She's like, she's like grinding on the seat. Like that seat's been ridden by everybody and she's just grinding on it. She might have been too. Yeah, exactly. I think she can get pregnant from that thing. So you need extra sanitizer just for that one bike? Oh, don't use that one seat for sure. I like the studio after Ginger's show. Yeah, totally. The show before us is a porn star show, so everything has to be wiped down and sanitized and sprayed. They gave a bath to the porn star. Yeah. Which is like, in theory, hot. Like right where you were sitting. Like right where you were sitting, though. She was in a little like kiddie tub. Yeah. It was sexy and thought, but when they left, the water was still here. And it was brown, dirty water. It was so brown, dirty water. I was like, damn. See, before you're gonna take a public bath, you gotta take a pre-bath. A real bath. To get that brown, so that way you get out like, oh, I'm just naturally the cleanest person ever. All the guys just think if they touch you or lick you that it's just gonna be completely baby soft and clean. No. Not brown, murky water. No. That's classy. That's classy. So do you pick the music for your spin class too? I do, I do. And it's funny because I pick like a Beatles song and a techno song. And a Miley song and a Beastie Boys song. So when someone's like, I didn't like the third song, I'm like, I'm trying to appease everybody, play some cool stuff. Shut the hell up. Like, I don't care if you like it or not. That's cool though. Does your music taste come from growing up in Nevada? Because there's so much different music on the scene out there in the clubs. Yeah, I just think of anything that sometimes I'll be in a car and drive and I'm like, this would be a good song and you play it and the crowd is not into it. The spin class, you're like, oh, never again, never again. But you grew up in Reno, not Las Vegas. Both. Both, okay. Nevada is so small, especially 15, 20 years ago, growing up. Biggest little city in the world. Yeah, so Reno, Vegas, people bounce around all the time. You go to college in one town and you go to work in the other. It's just the same thing to me. Yeah, but they are six hours, seven hours apart. Well, it was just so funny the first time I ever had somebody describe you after we had started working together and they were like, yeah, he's like the Persian bad boy of comedy and I'm like, oh. The Persian bad boy. And you didn't think of that. No, I was like, Kayvon doesn't, I was like, Kayvon, Kayvon doesn't drink. He runs a lot. He eats healthy carbs. That just means I don't drive a BMW and I don't want to get married. That's just it. It's just like, he's a bad dude. Watch out. He's a bad boy of comedy. So where did you start doing comedy in Reno? I didn't. I started in the comedy store right here in Hollywood. Wow, fortunate few. Yeah, I read that all these comics got their start at the comedy store. I'm like, that's what I'm going to do. So I waited to do comedy for like three years until I got to the comedy store and then people were like, no, that's a figure of speech, dumbass. You could have started a long time ago. Robin Williams didn't start here. Jerry Seinfeld did not start here. I'm like, damn it. I should stop reading things so literally. Oh my gosh. They meant that they got their actual first shot. Exactly. Yeah. So I didn't, well, I can say I'm the real deal. I actually got my start at the comedy store. That's so awesome. So was your family like supportive when you told them that you wanted to do this? You wanted to take it on full time? I don't understand these young comics who like blast all their friends. Oh, I'm a comedian now after their first open mic at the comedy store. I kept that stuff in the closet. I was not trying to tell anybody. My parents just found out I do comedy eight years into the game. Really? Yeah. They're like, oh, can we see you? I'm like, not yet. It's not ready yet. You're kidding. The last thing I need is them to come throw me off. True. Not that they would now, but it's, you know, I had my grandma come about a year and a half ago and it did not go well that night. Every show had been going well except that one. I was like, I blame my family because they know you too well. On stage, I'm like the superhero that's like, yeah, but they're like, no, we knew you. We used to wipe your butt. We know exactly what you're all about. I just think it's funny when parents come to comedy shows and usually like the other comedians will be like, are you super nervous that your parents are in the state or on the audience? You can talk about sex and stuff like that. Is it really uncomfortable? I'm like, they had it to make me. It's not like they didn't do it. Yeah, they know, but if it was a big crowd, I wouldn't care. If it was like a small room with 50 people and my parents are right there, nah, I wouldn't do that. Which Maria Bamford filmed real special in front of her mom and her dad, which was funny. Jesus. Two people in the audience. It was hilarious. Check it out on, I think, HBO. It's pretty funny. All right. So did you go to college in Nevada as well? Yeah, college. Where did you study? In-state tuition. Couldn't beat it. That's so awesome. And the great thing about going to school in Reno, I graduated. It's not like Harvard or Stanford. I'm one of the most famous people that come out of Reno. And I'm not even a celebrity. I'm a celeb barely. You know what I mean? Celeb barely? Hashtag celeb barely. Celeb barely. So they call me back every year to host their big, you know, homecoming, homecoming comedy night. I've made more money coming back than I paid tuition going there. So God bless you. I love you, University of Nevada. What's up? You're like, Nevada doesn't always win. The house does not always win. Exactly. Kayvon took back the house. That's right. So did you study acting or writing? A little bit of both. I still do. You know, I take classes if I'm not getting enough stuff going. I got some free time. Boom. Right now, I have no free time, which is a good thing because I'm making that documentary, which you're going to check it out. I'm inviting you to the red carpet. It's the Persian New Year documentary. I remember seeing something online that you've been working on that for a little while now, haven't you? Yeah, we filmed it. It took a year to film and then we've been editing for the last year. It's going to be ready October 15th and it got accepted to a film festival, red carpet. BBC's talking about it. Oh, awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. I'm going to wear that same dress from that photo. Please do. There you go. Persian girls never wear the same dress twice, so that'd be a good luck charm. I am not a typical Persian girl. Typical. And you guys, just a reminder, this is live at Skid Row Studios. If you have any questions for Kayvon and Melissa, you can please call in at 1-800-893-9562. If you've seen them, if you've heard them, if you've loved them, call in, give us your feedback. If you watch their YouTube, because Melissa is actually star of YouTube. Right. And if you don't call, it's embarrassing because we're sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. Call us. We have no fans. Call us. I know. If you used to read Kayvon's blurbs on the Nevada Silver and Blue kicking it with Kayvon, everybody does. I mean, come on. Like I said, if I went to Harvard or Stanford, would they care about me? No, there's too much competition. But in Reno, I contribute to their magazine every month. It's funny, too. I read a couple of them. You're so sweet. Yeah, I read a funny article and I always post it on Facebook and say, if you know how to read, you might want to check this out. Oh, so cute. You even taught them how to make healthy food in one little blurb and segment. Yeah, exactly. How to eat healthy on the road. That's what I remember. He made a really cool dish. I don't know. I don't know who filmed it. He made a Persian dish and he posted it. What channel was that? That was on the Style Network. Oh, my God. It was the coolest thing ever. There's this guy that's cooking Persian food and he did it with such, like, zazang. I don't know. It was one of the first things I've ever seen him do. And I was like, oh, my God, this guy is adorable. And then I got to know him. Yeah. Stay in the kitchen. It was like, disgusting. You're like, he's really not that cute and really not that cool. No, but on camera, I can pull it off. You can pull it off. You just pull out the little smirk. Yeah, Kayvon's a cool dude. I've known him for a while. And once, before I started, I don't know when, but me and Peter the Persian. Peter the Persian. Came to one of his holiday ugly sweater parties at his house. Yes. And, you know, I like to, like, snoop around everywhere. So I find my way to his bedroom. Did you go through, like, medicine cabinets and drawers? No, I went to his bedroom. This is how determined this guy is. He had a mic stand where he practiced his stand-up in his room. Yeah. In front of a mirror? I was like, that's ballin'. No, not in front of a mirror. I'll never forget that. Not in front of a mirror. Yeah, I just had a mic stand in there. He just had it. Mm-hmm. And I would bring, actually, okay, this is, all right, now we're gonna talk about this. No, no, no, I need to know about this now. That's how I impress the ladies. So, yeah, you meet a girl who's like, I want to see your comedy. You're like, well, I could put on a little private show for you, right? You're like, well, there's only one place to sit. It's, you know, right there. On my bed. There you go. On my bed. On my what? And then you do a little comedy show for them, and if you can get them to laugh, you know, maybe they laugh their panties off. That's the goal. I'm getting ideas. Are you taking notes, Swan? Yeah, of course. Last week, it was no emojis when you're texting. This week, it's I don't like standing in a bedroom. If you're willing to sit at the comedy store until one in the morning to do an open mic for two drunk Australians, why not bring a hot girl and give her a cocktail? Straight to your bedroom. Right to your bedroom and do comedy for five minutes. Work it out. She'll tell you what's funny, what isn't. You get the advantage on both sides of that one. Question, would that work for a girl to do? Probably not. No, no, no. That would make them run if they walked into your bedroom, Melissa, and they saw a mic stand. Serial killer. Right. I'd go, no, I'm walking away. See, that's a double standard then. Man. Yeah, we don't want you to be talking down there. There should be no talking. There should be no talking. I actually thought that would be pretty genius because I don't know what facial expressions I make when I'm doing my set on stage to have like a mic in front of a mirror to go through my set and see how great and how retarded my faces look. I think your facial expressions are classy, Nikki. There is none. Mine is all facial expressions. And they're the ugliest facial expressions. I'm just kidding. No, they're not. Wow. Nice. And this is one of your good friends. No, that's me. She looks pretty on stage when she makes her facial expressions because she can put like one eyebrow up, one eyebrow down. I can't do that stuff. I have a book of expressions coming out. A book of expressions. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. It's a copy. Huh? Pop-up book? It should be. Thank you. Now, let me tell you something. Don't do it in front of the mirror because you're judging yourself while you're doing it. You get it in your head. Just live, make your body a vessel like the great Robin Williams would have done and don't worry about it. Everyone will feed into what you're bringing to the table. Cave on, the life coach of comedy. That's right. And be at my spin class next Sunday. That'll help too. I go to Crunch Fitness. I'm sorry. Hermosa Beach currently, but I get around, you know, get around. I go to Crunch Fitness. I go to Crunch Fitness. LA Fitness. The Crunch. LA Fitness too. Atta girl. Just because they have the cool classes that take my mind off working out. Like they have that pound class where it's like you're drumming on the ground and stuff like that and they have aerial stuff and wave roping. Wow. Oh yeah, wave roping. I've done that. That's cool. Good. So you had something else I wanted to discuss that I feel a lot of comics go through, but not so publicly. No. Public breakdown? No, a lot of comics go through that publicly. Twitter, thank you. When people consider things that we post are racist or certain things like that, like you had a certain situation that was like really public on Facebook that I felt was so stupid for them to do. Which one? It was when This Is 50 posted, like you had posted a picture of a shirt. Oh yeah. That was the dumbest thing ever. Yeah. I posted a picture of a shirt with big old graffiti writing. Graffiti writing. And it says, racism must end. And I wrote, it looks like something a black guy would wear. Just as a joke. It was hilarious. That's the irony of it, right? I remember when you posted that, I thought it was funny. And then somebody like made it a big story. They're like, Kayvon, the Persian comic, goes racist. Goes racist, on a racist rant. On a racist rant. Yeah. Disappoints his fans with racism. I'm just like, that's not racist, that's funny. There's humor in it. Yeah, it was a satire. But the guy wasn't intelligent enough to understand that I was being, you know, But it's waiting, I was just sitting around all day on Facebook to be like, all right, this is something I got. We got him. I can get behind this. It's basically saying, if you don't want to be racist, put it on a shirt that doesn't look like something only one race would wear. I thought it was funny. I just, how did you deal with that when that came out? Basically, you know, I kind of ignored that guy. Yeah. I've had problems, a lot of problems. Every comedian does, especially the more well-known, like people come after Daniel Tosh more because he's got a bigger platform, more people hear it. Right. You know, so the better we all, the higher we all get in the comedy game, I like what some of the comics are doing is don't apologize. You know, what's a joke, what's funny, and you know, it's sarcastic. And if people don't understand that, too bad. Life is too short to sit there. We're comedians for a reason. We're allowed to cross lines as long as it's not too far over. And I police myself in those regions because I know there's kids that read my page. Right. There's a lot of things I won't push and I won't put on there, but that's definitely not something I wouldn't even sweat. So, and then, then I'll flex my muscles if he comes to my show. You know, I'll say, oh, you want a piece of this? Well, that's what half of Jim Norton's speech for the Just for Laughs thing this year was about, was just like, everyone's apologizing. He goes, why? Yeah. He goes, why the fuck are we apologizing? No, there's nothing to apologize for, you know? Basically apologizing for your life that you're living at that point. Yeah, exactly. So I, a lot of my standup has a lot of those type of jokes in it. I do one joke now where I kind of make fun of fat people and that doesn't go very well if you know. It's weird. It goes weird because everyone thinks they're a little more fat than they should be. So they're all like, he's talking about me. And even someone, you're like, not you, someone bigger. Well, that guy's sitting next to her. So it doesn't matter. So I just started saying, you know what? You guys can be all weird about it. I'm not going to cater to fat people. They've had enough catering. All right. It's done. And that gets even, and then they start clapping. So everyone's cool with me because that's what people got to realize. We're just joking. We're comedians. So that's it. You can't please everybody though. You have to go in that mindset. Right. You just can't. Just in life. It doesn't matter if you're doing standup. You just cannot please everybody. I admire the New York comics. Jason, like a, hey, I don't give a damn what you, you don't miss that. You're dead to me. Because we're like happy and we're smiling and then we tell a joke that's a little off the cuff. Then they're like, oh, you know, you're not allowed to do that. You're making fun of that person. Yeah. So if we had a little more edge to start with, me especially, if I wasn't so nice and happy, then I could probably go down darker paths. So maybe. Nice and happy with gladiator muscles. Yes. You're not scary at all. I don't wear this on stage. You know, I never worn a tank top on stage before. Just in our studio. Feel fortunate guys. You get to see Kayvon Martin live. Yeah. Live. You don't want people to look at you as sexual objects on stage, right? They want to hear the joke. You want them to hear the jokes. You don't want them to be staring. Kayvon just wanted to know what it felt like to be a good looking woman on stage and have people look at him like, oh my God, why? Well, no, mainly because you guys don't have air conditioning or a fan in here. So let's get to. I'm completely covered. I don't know about you. You're Muslim. What do you expect? I might start wearing a tank top to the show. I, I'm, I'm, I'm surprised that he remembered how bad the studio is and that it gets so hot. It is hot. I mean, cause you had done Rick is Get Us show with us too. Yeah. Good memory. It was so hot when I'd co-host that show and I remembered and I forgot to warn him that we can't have air conditioning in here cause it makes noise. Yeah, it does. So we have to sweat it out, but it's okay. It's like an extra workout for Kayvon. So it's fine. I'll put deodorant on. Oh, you did? I did. Like I normally don't, but for this show, I normally do not. And I shaved as well. So you're wrong. Yeah, girl. That took hours. So would this be like the outfit that you'd wear on a Disaster Date episode when you were doing Disaster Date? I did wear this on Disaster Date. Did you really? I think I might've seen that when you were a gym trainer or something. I was a gym trainer on there. Oh man, you guys are bringing up the old school stuff. I love it. That was a fun thing. Fun show. I really liked Fox. We all missed Disaster Date. I thought it was a great show. Yeah, for those of you who don't know, Disaster Date was on MTV for about four seasons. I was on two of them where girls would think they're going on a date and then I would show up and try to ruin it and see how long it took them to run. And one of them was a gym trainer, which we've been talking about the whole day. But it was cool because I started calling people out in the restaurant for ordering stuff. I'm like, did you just order a ham sandwich? No, dude, you are what you eat. Didn't you bring a ball, like a BOSU ball or something? I brought a big- To sit on? The ball. And I go, I told my date, her posture was really bad. She was slumping and I removed her chair and brought the ball out. I go, you need to sit on this to correct your posture. And she did it. She sat there and she's like, I think it does feel nice. So she was really buying into it. Yeah, I was like, roll your shoulders back and her boobs are out and she's on a ball bouncing. It was just a great, great thing. Well, three of the biggest upcoming comics, I think, were part of that show because it was you, you were on it, Fahim was also on it, Jeff Keith. You guys were all really hilarious. Did you guys get some say in the writing and the things that you were improv-ing? A little bit. We did this thing called, I was a lead singer of a boy band. The girl hated boy bands. So I got Fahim and Jeff. I said, why don't we get together the night before and create this boy band so we're not just off the cuff. Yeah. They show up and we did a rehearsal. We call ourselves Jam Tight, the new boy band. Oh my gosh. And we gave ourselves nicknames and then we start performing as Jam Tight and we had like choreography and everything. That's probably the funniest disaster date. If you go on my YouTube, just type in Kavon Jam Tight. However you spell Jam Tight, it'll probably work, but it's the boy band episode of Disaster Date. I loved it. That's hilarious. Yeah. You also have a really funny titled movie that I haven't seen. I have, I need to watch it now that I've looked it up. It's called Gingerbread Man 2 Passion of the Crust. Yes. It's, you know, people say, oh, Gingerbread Man. It's like the Chucky doll. Chucky is not scary until he comes to life and kills you. The ginger dead man, he comes to life. He has got a knife and he will come kill you. And I, I won't tell you whether I live or die by the end, but I was under attack the whole movie. What was your character? I was the lead. I was the lead in this movie. It was like one of the first movies I ever did, which was awesome. One day, I'm going to get on, you know, Jimmy Kimmel and he's going to show a clip from that movie. You're like, God, turn it off. Turn it off. Passion of the Crust. Passion of the Crust. Yeah, but it was badass because I got my first on-screen kiss. I had my first fight scene on screen and I was the lead. So I loved it. Did you do your own stunts? I did my own stunts. Atta boy. Mm-hmm. I got beat up by a robot. So Kayvon's going to be on Expendables 3. Oh, three or four. Three or four. I want to see Expendables 3 so bad. You know, you can just tell people you're in it and there's no way they can like, they wouldn't know. Kelsey Grammer's even in it. When is Kelsey Grammer an action star? Well, only in X-Men, I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he played Beast. Oh, that's right, I guess. Okay, you just proved me wrong. Yes, gotcha. Damn, you also do improv too. Yeah, Second City I've done and UCB is great and I enjoy it. Yes, and if that, then what else? Oh, my gosh. Ramp it up. We would do shows together and he'd put me on the spot and be like, Vicky, come on, let's do an improv exercise and I would always suck at them so bad. Oh, those are fun. I think we did one that we got together like really quickly. It was a Disneyland one where I said Vicky and then we just said Disneyland. Oh, yeah. And he's like, that was the fastest one I've ever done. That's a game called Mind Melt. If you write me, I'll tell you how to play it and we can do it in my comedy club bedroom. There you go. And you've also gone on a couple comedy tours as well. One with Max Gibrani. Maziar. Maziar. Yeah, Maz Gibrani. Maz Gibrani. He's a great comic. He's been on Comedy Central Showtime. Melissa knows him really well. He is like our, he's all of our older cousin or uncle in the game and he gives us all kinds of great advice. He's amazing. He's amazing. Have you worked with him too, Mel? Very briefly. Not like, not like Kavon. Kavon toured with him. Oh, that's awesome. Greatest guy. Like everyone that has ever met him likes him and in comedy, you know, there's always someone that hates on you. He's the only guy nobody hates on him. Really? He's like the godfather for everybody. So friendly. Nicest guy. And he works hard. He took me to like theaters. He took me to Dubai. He took me to Canada. A couple different theaters in Canada. That's the exotic one. Oh man. It was great. It was great. And there's exotic Persian women and Egyptian goddesses. I bet there were. I had fun. They're all gorgeous. They're all doctors or dentists. I'm like, you could be hot and rich. Wow. I could be a sugar baby. What is it? Did you take your mic stand on the road with you? Oh, I wish. No, I didn't have it with me. But those shows were great but I call it the Look But Don't Touch Tour because they're not messing around. It's the best of girls in the world and they don't do anything. They're all there with their uncle and their cousin. That's true. They're with their family. They're not going to go over and hit on the guy. No. But I'm sure they were thinking they're like, oh my God, this guy. I would love for him to buy me dinner and then go home by myself. That's what every girl wants. Yeah. Buy me dinner, go home. And then go home. Is this on your documentary that you have out right now too? The documentary covers this because every year I leave for the month of March for Persian New Year. And I didn't even know what Persian New Year was until about four years ago. And people are like, where are you? Why are you not here? Did you quit comedy? How do you pronounce the name of this documentary? Nowruz? Nowruz. Nowruz. Same thing. Okay. It means new day or new year. I didn't know what Persian New Year was but I just started the tour. I started the tour because I was like, let's make a documentary about this. That's cool, man. And where can they pick up your documentary? It's not even out yet. Oh, shoot. It's coming out October. October 15th. The Noor Film Festival has it in Beverly Hills. We're going to do a big screening. Red carpet. All the comedians are coming. You guys at home are coming. And afterwards, I'm going to have some autographed copies. I'm a big part of the Noor people. Yeah, you are. And we are going to talk about that with both of you because I know Melissa is doing some work for Noor. She's hosted the film festivals. She's been in the film festivals and you actually both had films in the film festival. I think this year. This year. I have a short film. Awesome. I didn't produce it but I'm in it. I play a lesbian. What? Did you do any research? No, I didn't do any research. They're just like, oh, you're the lesbian. Okay. She just hung out with me. I played college softball. You knew that. It's just a short film. It's a comedy. There's actually a lot of people in it. Tehran's in it. I think I know that film. Yeah. Maggie Pardo. Yeah. We're going to have to do a viewing party or something for this. At Noor. At Noor. I'm not part of Noor. Oh, anybody can go. I have no idea what Noor is. Noor means. Noor Iranian. Noor means light in Farsi. Yeah. So they're shedding light on light. Like, you know. Artists. Yeah. I only know how to say one thing in Farsi. What? Behemdige. Huh? Damn. Means we go or let's go. Wait, say it again. Behemdige. You said the N word. Behemdige. No. Yeah, that's, I was taught by a dude that spoke Farsi. I don't know what that word is. What do you think it is? Behemdige. Let's go. Behemdige. Okay. Sorry. You can say anything to K-Pop and he'll be like, oh, okay, because he doesn't speak it. I don't speak it. Behemdige. I don't speak it. But in my documentary, I learn about words like you do. I learn like two words. Yeah. Salaam and Khudaafis. Hello and goodbye. And I also learned, my dad taught me that dog is sag because he named our dog sag. Yeah, so I had a dog named dog. Come here, sag. Yeah, here's sag. Well, then his Farsi friend also, if he wanted you to like, like basically you're saying died, be like marg. Marg. Marg. And a fun one is like, after each other's name, if you want to say dear, you say John. So it'd be like Kayvon John, Nikki John, David. Really? Yeah. John John. That actually would be my name. Well, we got to get to Melissa too. You also have a special, lastly, before we wrap up Kayvon, it's called Tank God. Tank's God. Something my dad always say. If something goes really well, Tank's God. So it was the natural name for my new one hour special. Tank's God. And is that all wrapped up? It's done? Yeah, we filmed it last May. We edited it and we released it January 1st this year. Oh, nice. I filmed it all myself, spent all my own money on it, which was cool. That's awesome. We made all our money back in six months. Oh, wow. Congratulations. That was a lucky thing. So now everything else we sell is icing on the cake and I'm just happy to have covered my cost on that thing. You went Macklemore style. Yes, I did. Dang. You're a boy. And what do you have up and coming in the works that you want to promo? I do want everyone to check out the film, Norooz. Lost and Found. October 15th. October 15th. Yes, it's Kayvon Presents Persian New Year like never seen before because I had never seen it before. So we're going to learn about it together and it's geared towards people who are not Middle Eastern to learn about. Are these people weird? Do they bomb you? Are they eating delicious food? Is it disgusting? What do they wear? You're going to find out all that and more and I'm doing comedy at every show with very hilarious guest comedians involved like Ahmed Ahmed Mazdurrani and the Iron Sheik from the WWF Wrestling Challenge. He teaches me how to get back in shape because I get a little fat after eating a lot of Persian food on the road. My mom might need to see this because my brother's dating a Persian chick and his suit. Oh, shit. My mom's right wing tea party and she's just like got scared shitless about it. I'm like, Mom, it's fine. You know. She's like, no, I... You have to. Yeah, she would love it. She would love this film. That's who it's for. And we have to say happy birthday to Kayvon too because his birthday was actually August 1st. We missed it. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I don't celebrate birthdays. I celebrate accomplishments. Oh. So October 15th. October 15th we're going to start celebrating my real accomplishment. Successful day. Well, one more time for Kayvon. Thank you guys. Thank you guys for having me. Wow. And last thing I found out your name means Saturn. It does mean Saturn. It means Saturn. The prettiest of all planets. Well, now for the prettiest of all Persian comedians, female comedians, in general, Melissa Shoshahi. Hello. These are good, by the way. Oh, I love airheads. Just not when they're men. So you're from Seattle. I am from Seattle. And you have amazing hair. Well, I showered today. That's what I did. And I used Diva Curl. No silicone, parabens, or sulfates. For those of you that don't know, Melissa is a huge proponent of Diva Curl. It makes every girl's hair look fabulous. Yeah, moving on. Seattle, man. Yeah, I'm from Seattle. I love it. I love it there. But I can't live there. I can't live there because my family's there. I can't live with my parents. They just make me feel guilty every time. They're not going to watch this. They're just like, where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to go to a show in the rain. In the rain. It's raining every day, Mom. No, no, no, no, no. No. So it's like, it's good, but I just had to leave. And it's just raining nonstop. So I came here now. So did you start right out of high school? It was not at all. Or did you start in college? No, I started in LA. And then I moved back to Seattle. And then I came back to LA. So I was working for Persian TV. That's when I met this guy. We had done a few sketches and stuff. And then he would always be like, hey, you should come to my shows. He was hosting Laugh Factory at that time. And he had a really cool, I'll never forget, he had the coolest business card. And it was his picture. It was the ID. It was a magnet. Made out of my driver's license. Shut up. It was the coolest thing. Come on, come to my show. So I went. And then shortly after, I stopped working for that channel. I met all the Persian comics from working there. My friend, my friend. Yeah. And so I decided to, I decided to try it out. And I remember hitting you up and Kayvon was like, don't tell anybody you're doing it. Yeah, that was my advice. What? Yeah. Everyone says, what's your advice? Say, don't tell anyone you're doing stand up for one year. Because a lot of people quit in their first year. I want to see you do a spot. No, you don't. And you don't need the pressure. Just show up, do a bunch of little. And did you do it? Or did you just blast everyone? No, Facebook wasn't that big. I didn't do much. Good. If you think about it. This was like 2008. I don't know. MySpace had died and Facebook wasn't big yet. It was a tough time for social media. Right now, people go crazy. Right now, if you do an open mic, people will change their status as like comedian occupation. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, everybody has their own timing. There's no, everybody has their way. I don't care what people do. But yeah, I started it and I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. Still don't. I still don't. But you know what? I don't think I'd want it any other way. It was really rough. But I'm really glad I went through it all. And Seattle has a great comedy background though. That's a great place to start doing comedy. So great. When I went back, there's so much stage time and it's a good environment and it's a good place and there's people that actually want to go to shows that are not comics. So even if you go to an open mic, even if you go to an open mic, there's a lot of non-comics there. Like I did open mic at a coffee shop on a Friday night and it was packed. That's how Cleveland is too. It's great when you go. It's amazing. So it's just, you meet new people. You just, anywhere you start outside of LA. Yeah. Oops. Over here, over here. Not New Mexico. There's no comedy scene in New Mexico. I had to drive to El Paso to do comedy. Is that far? It's 30 minutes away. So anytime I want to do a show, well still, it's like I wasn't telling my parents where I was going. Yeah. Like a mile and a half out here. But Seattle, everybody that's from Seattle, they always just have such great things to say about the competitions and like the other comics. The Seattle people and the NorCal people seem to do real well when they move to LA too. Like I've been toiling it out here and then they show up like, I got a sitcom yesterday. It's like, oh, Seattle people. Oh, San Francisco. I don't have a sitcom yet, so. Yeah, go back to Seattle then come back. I know, go back and come back. Just keep digging. Yeah. I know, I'll just do that. So when did you finally tell your family that you were going to be pursuing comedy? I don't know, man. Have you told them yet? I know. Shh. Everybody be quiet. I think I told them and my mom was like, that's nice, baby. I love you. She was having a bad dream. Go to sleep. I wake up. I wake up. I don't think she understood what it meant. Actually, really sad funny story. So my, I was doing standup in Seattle and my mom didn't take me seriously. And she, she has a waxing salon. So she was waxing and at that time I was waxing with her like I was her assistant. Right. It's a long story. So you held the wax while she applied it? It was really bad. She held the legs up. Mother-daughter waxing. I had to oil them up while she took a break. So. Really? Yeah. So she, so I was doing standup all over town and like one day she came home. She's like, I'm so embarrassed by you. What? Yeah. She's like, one of my customers, they came to your show and she said you had drink on stage. Drink on stage? Drink on stage. And you were talking sex mix. Sex mix? Is that like some sort of cuisine? I don't know about it. Is this like some Texan kind of sex? Persian people always like rhyme it with an M word. Yeah. Like candy Mandy. It's stupid. I think mom has a joke about that. You're talking sexy mixy stuff. Something like that. So I was like, mom, I don't know what you're talking about because I don't drink when I perform. So I, you know, and like I wasn't talking about anything sexual. So I was so confused. She was mad at me for two weeks. Anyway, flash forward. Figure out what it was? No. Flash forward two years later she got drunk. My mom. Oh no. And she decides to tell me that, uh, you remember that time I was mad at you? I was like, yeah mom. Which time mom? Yeah, which time? That time when, you know, I said my customer saw you and I was so into sex mix. She's like, I made that up. Are you serious? I was like, why would you make that up? I was testing you. What? I was testing you to see like if you really wanted to do the stand up because I wanted you to quit so you can get married and have babies. You're kidding. No. That's true. So she was trying to test me. I was like, mom, you're the worst parent ever. That is the weirdest test. She goes, I know. I know. That's like backhanded reverse psychology. That's my mom. Every Persian movie in a film festival starts with a mom coming in going, I am so embarrassed by you. So I picture that scene. That has to be a scene in the movie. Yeah, this is the craziest thing. So that's how my mom, but now, you know, I was doing a tour at the time with Dean Obidala and we went to, Seattle was one of the stops and that was the first show my parents came to see and then afterwards that's when she was like, oh, I lied. You know, I made that up because she saw me perform. She saw you were good. Yeah, she saw I was doing family jokes and this and that because in the Persian community and Kayvon does this too, like he's, you're for the most part very family oriented when you do those shows. Yes, the whole one hour special is family oriented. Family, because that's what they like because they get uncomfortable when you talk about dirty things. Oh, that's how Latin families are too, trust me. My mom got me condoms as a stocking stuffer so I'm like, all right, we're good. Okay, yeah, you're good on that. Me and my parents never even had the talk. Oh, did I? No, you don't need the talk. Mine was no means no, maybe means no and yes means ask again. Well, my parents, my parents met when they were 14 and got married when they were 20. They were high school sweethearts, first and last kisses. What kind of talk were they going to give me about relationships and dating? Oh, man. There was nothing they could tell me. Your world is so different than theirs. Nothing. Make sure the first one counts. Yeah, that's right. So you were working for Persian TV but you also were doing a lot of stuff on YouTube because you were even saying you got recognized as YouTube. I don't know why people make it a big deal. I have no idea how everybody keeps saying YouTube, I saw you on YouTube. It's weird because I don't know what, they seen. It was so funny because we were having dinner one night and she was telling me about this little old lady that came up to her and she's like, I know you, I see you and she was like, oh, have you seen my comedy? She goes, no, you YouTube. You are YouTube. You YouTube. We are all YouTube. We are all YouTube. So what's your biggest video on YouTube? Which one really took off? I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, all of the stuff I had from Persian TV was on YouTube. Maybe that was it. And then now I'm doing a webisode but it's only been a month in so I'm, I'm not sure how it's that. Wow. But I have a webisode called Lame Times with Mel. Lame Times with Mel. My favorite one of her Lame Times with Mel is she was looking at the model prisoner. What's that guy's name? Jeremy Meeks. Jeremy Meeks. Okay. I sent him fan mail. Yeah. And she was like, oh, he's rugged and like he's tattooed and they're like, he's a murderer but that means he's dangerous and like going through all the things that were bad about him but why she could still date him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. I feel like, I feel like we as artists have to create our own stuff like Kayvon's doing his own thing because nobody's going to knock at my door, his door and be like, make this Noru's documentary. Make this because they don't care and nobody knows what they want in this town until you make it and do it and make your own path because things are changing now. If you want to be a comic, it's not just funny jokes now. It's like funny vines, funny this, funny that, funny do this, do that. It's just so much work. Which you do. Which you do. You have a lot of those things and you are a hustler. I mean, whether it's on the social media sites and the videos that you create that are really funny, Instagram, Vine, you also do a lot of comedy competitions anytime you can. I mean, you've done Laugh Down, the World Series of Comedy. Yeah. You're a hustler. I just did the, oh, that was a year ago almost. I did the San Francisco comedy competition. That was rough. Oh, wow. I enjoyed it but that was like all driving all over the place. It's like a boot camp. Yeah. It's good. That's why I did it. It's like you learn, you learn so much. You meet so many different types of people. Where do you stay when you do those? Do you stay in hotels or what? Hotels, friends, whoever. Yeah, comics. When we go on a tour, like we don't know from night to night what's happening. We don't know. Bus stops. Let me pop open Tinder and let's see what's cracking on this thing. See, Tinder would work for you. Are you just using me for my body? No, I need to sleep. I need to sleep. You could go somewhere else. I don't give a damn. But you've done major tours too because you just recently were on a tour with Max and Me. Well, we did, that was last year. We did all of like West Coast and like Seattle, just small little things. I didn't get to go around the world like this guy here. Well, stick with Max. He's going big now. He is phenomenal. He really, he really was, is a blessing for him to take me on and I learned so much and those crowds, man, when you get, when you do those crowds and then you go back to a normal room. It takes the wind out of your sails. You guys, it's like the best thing. It's like a auditorium like with a thousand plus people and then you go to like a bar show. Yeah, you got to be okay with the ups and downs with comedy because you do, I would, did a show, 3,500 people with Mazda. I sold 79 t-shirts, 20 bucks a pop after the show. I had money coming out of every pocket and then I come back to the open mic at the comedy store, six drunks and they're like, yeah, you can't go on tonight. You're not one of the like favorites. You felt a little depressed. You're like, you should have seen me last week. I was great. That's why I filmed the damn, the documentary. I'm bringing the cameras with me because I can't get the show to. It's so fun. It's so fun doing those shows though. It's, can you imagine being at that level? Oh yeah. We're going to get there. You're like, if you think 3,500 people makes your knees shake, think of like selling out a coliseum. Oh I know. It's crazy. And it's actually gets easier the more people that are there because when it's more people you're like, oh yeah, someone's going to like these jokes. They approve of this already. It's the energy that you feel. They paid $80 to be in those seats. They want to laugh. Well, plus laughs are contagious. If you can get a couple people in a auditorium to laugh, it's going to feed off. They're almost laughing because the next person's laughing next to them. But if you're doing an eight people comedy show and five aren't laughing, you notice, you're going, oh, what's up? 60, 70% of the audience is not liking me right now. Right. But you're not just funny. You're a talented actress. You've done a couple short films, movies. You just did American Vampire too. Yeah, that was the older one. But yeah, I've done, I've done, I just did a, I just did a film called, uh, Lost in Austin. Uh, Lost in Austin. Nice. Uh, small role, but, uh, it's with like Craig Robinson and, and, um, and, uh, Jamie Presley. And it's like a dark comedy. You always do these really dark kind of cool movies, don't you? Well, I mean, yeah, lesbian. And then now this, and I'm, and I'm shooting a film right now where I play a Russian homeless prostitute. And let me tell you guys, is that the speed date in? No. Which one's that one? No. All I do is characters. This is how, like, you guys need to create your own stuff. So a few, like six months ago, seven months ago, I saw this documentary about volunteers going to Mars. They're doing this mission. It's like a one-way trip to Mars because they're having people move there and like inhabit it in 2024. So they're taking volunteers. They're only taking a certain amount of people. So I watched this documentary and the people that were volunteering were the weirdest people. Like one was a beekeeper. One was like, it was weird. And so I was like, I was inspired by that documentary. So I made a documentary. Listen, I made a documentary about a Russian prostitute as a volunteer and I just made it and I posted it and somebody saw it and they cast me in their film. Yeah. They said that character's perfect for our film. For my film. Can you be a Russian homeless prostitute? I said, yes, I can. Why, yes, I can. So you've made a small documentary. Yeah. Wait a minute. How do you make a documentary about a Russian prostitute? If you are not a Russian prostitute. It's like a parody of the documentary. Oh, you made a mockumentary. Mockumentary. Thank you for correcting. Oh, good. English is my second language. I was like, did you become Russian and start sleeping around? I like the Battle of the Persians. K-Von's like, K-Von's about ready to do an intervention on Melissa right now. You don't have to go that far. I know. Melissa, you're funny. No, my parents don't think so. He's like, my friend, I help you. I got this. It's okay. Good, good, good. Okay, so you did a mockumentary. I did a mockumentary. I'm so sorry, guys. And you built a character. I built a character. And now that character is in demand. Well, we'll see how the movie goes, but you know, you never know is what I'm trying to say. It's no sitcom though. Well, what is that supposed to, I wasn't in a sitcom. I know, me neither. Oh, okay. This is from, I'm coming from out north. This is you guys trying to stroke each other's ego right now. Well, speaking of you never know, I was performing at the comedy store on Monday night and Seth Green walked out and goes, hey man, great set. Wow. And he was with a guy named Brecken Meyer. Yeah, I know Brecken. with the skateboard, the pothead guy. And Rat Race. And Rat Race. Rat Race. And Road Trip and all that. So it was cool. Like you never know. Robot Chicken could call, but you don't know. So that's why you gotta perform as many spots as possible. You could have an old lady come up to you and go, you YouTube. You YouTube. That's a bigger deal. I would have taken that. That's the most I've ever gotten from fanfare. Like for someone to come up to me and go, oh, you YouTube. I'd take that. Yeah, there you go. That would make my year. Well, what do you have coming up, Melissa, that you're working on? Oh, man. Russian prostituting. Russian prostituting. One Way Trip to Mars. Are you in there? Yeah. If you look it up, One Way Trip to Mars, it's very low production because I shot it in my kitchen. That's hilarious. Whilst on vodka. So I don't know. I don't know what I have coming up. I always have something coming up. I can't think right now. What's your website? What's your website? If you go to MelComedy.com, because I know nobody can spell my last name. I always have to check it when I'm on. MelComedy.com. I'm on Twitter at Mel Shashahi and Instagram. If you follow me, that'll be great because my parents keep track of that. And Kayvon, where can everybody find you? It's easy. Just Google K-V-O-N comedian. I'm the only white guy on there. And just for correction's sake, the V in Kayvon is not capitalized. Yeah, my first name is Kayvon, but people think my name's like Kavon. Like, Mr. Von, what is your first name, Kay? I'm like, Kayvon is my first name. It's my first name. Kayvon's a great Persian name. Well, since this is the Battle of the Persians, we have a couple battles. Melissa's gonna have to go set up our second battle if you wanna go get that going. There's a microwave in the hallway. No, it's not a bathtub. We're gonna let you do that and heat it up real quick. Our first battle, if you want to talk about this for a second, we are actually gonna do the, the Chain of Fools gold challenge. Okay. Everybody knows Persians like chains. Party, party, Persians. So, we are going to time you guys to see who can get the most chains on in the least amount of time. Like, over our head? Yes, over your heads. What's the rule? There is no rules. You have 10 seconds to get as many on as you can and then we stop. We count them. He's already working on a strategy right now. No, no, no. We can't show how many they are. Kayvon's gonna be calculating in his head. We gotta mix them up and stuff. Yeah, because one time I did a wind tunnel where they grabbed the cash. Yeah. And I, you don't grab the cash. Just keep your hands like this and the money flies into your hands and then put it, yeah. Can you do like a shirt and then pull up? You're not allowed to use your shirt. We'll put the Bumblebee music back on in a minute, Andy, when we do the challenge. That's my bad. Say hello to our producer, Andy. Andy, say hi. Hello. Andy's gonna be actually one of our judges for these challenges as we wrap things up. You never know because, I mean, one in two votes, that doesn't work. We always need a third, right? Too true. So the second challenge, just so you can prepare yourself because Melissa's had a lot of preparation for this, is we are going to be waxing Dave's back. Whoa. Yeah, I felt the same way when I was told about it. Yeah, I like how you act like you didn't have something to do with this. You're just looking for a free waxing from Melissa. Yeah. She's a professional. I got two tracks of fur, all right? Two tracks. They go down the left and the right? Yeah. Or is it down the middle and more down the middle? There's one on the right, one on the left. There it goes. So we're actually going to be letting you guys each do a strip and whoever gets the most hair off wins. The most hair off. Oh, she's going to be, she's practicing with her, well, without her mom she might not be as good. She was just the ascent apprentice. Ascent. Assistant. I'm not even going to try that word. Assistant. And that's bikini waxing, that's not back waxing. Yeah, she's used to little tiny coochies. I'm in a different place right now. So yes, these are our battles for the day. You guys, everybody, so you guys know we're not racist, we're just fun. This is all in good fun. We poke fun at everything. This is the fun of it. Yeah, you should be able to make fun of every race equally. We're not really, sorry. Well, the battle of the golds, they thought it was a little racist. Who's they? Jackie Gold and Maddie Goldberg we brought in too. Oh, we love Jackie. Yeah, we love Jackie. Do you have any shows coming up in the next couple weeks? I actually do. I'm going to be with Mike Muratori down in San Pedro this Thursday. And other than that, what club is down there? I know Godmothers is down there, but this is an art gallery show. I've done that one. It's a new series. Yeah. He actually sent me the picture of you doing it. Yeah, he's a nice guy. It's Amham's show. It's a funny name, Amham. Amham. But it was funny how he was trying to convince me because the new comedy spot was supposed to be open. Oh, I know. And it's gone a little past. Yeah, so Mike was headlining and they asked me to feature for Mike and he was like, well, it's not open, but it's a gallery. We have that one and Kayvon did it. You know Kayvon, Nicky. So they sent me the picture of you doing comedy in front of a bunch of old people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a very interesting show, but they had a lot of free wine and drinks and stuff that I don't take advantage of because I got to get back on the road. I love how they give you as many free drinks as you want, but you got to leave in about 30 minutes when your show's over. That's hilarious. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. What do I do? I give these free drinks out. No, I'm an anti DUI commercial, so I can't do that right now. You can't have any face of sober driving. All right. Yes. If you're in California or some of the other markets nearby, look for the anti DUI commercial. That's why I drink and bike ride instead. That's illegal too. You can always walk on your bike though. You can, but if you're drunk, you're like, I'm going to ride this thing. I don't know who would do that sort of thing. Now, there's a guy who got a DUI riding a horse, drunk, but he argued that the horse knew the way home without him. In the court of law, they had the horse walk and it did it all the way home, so they dismissed the case. So we're probably going to have to do the waxing first, right? Because it's hot. It's ready to go, Mel. Yeah. We got hot wax here. She brought a crock pot. Got a crock pot. I hope you're not cooking Persian food after this. And all your gear is in a Subway bag. All of Melissa's waxing gear right now is in a Subway bag. Subway and a crock pot. You're going to have a foot long strip on your back. Look at that. Look at that. It's all gooey and blue. We'll even help you out a little, Kayvon, because we'll let Melissa go first. Yeah, I'm going to watch for technique. Watch what I do. I'm watching. Okay, so you know how like when you, hold on really. You got to talk. Yes. Give her a mic. Yeah, I'm giving her a mic. Okay, here we go. All right. Go ahead. No, talk it out. Okay, I'm just making sure the temperature is good enough for you. Do you want to take off your shirt or do you want me to take it off for you? Oh. Oh. You want to take it off. Here, I'll mix it. It's so sweaty, though. Ew, Dave. Yeah. I told you. Okay, I'll do the front. The front and back. I respect that. Okay. Oh, there it is. Look at that hair. I told you, two tracks of fur. Two tracks of fur. Two tracks. Like a bear attacked you, like swiped you on the left and the right. So basically, Dave Swan has two trails of fur, one to the left side of his back and one to the right. He does, he's got a little carpet. It's not a big carpet for a white man. It's not a Persian carpet. No, it's not a Persian carpet. Look, she's waxing the table. Are you waxing the table? It's okay. It's the blue wax. The blue wax comes off. Don't worry. They're doing a bubble bath in here in about an hour, so it'll be fine. Can you come closer? Yeah. Come closer. Here we go. I have oil to remove that. Now, this looks like my hair product. Bumble, bum, bumble. Okay. Okay, no. Here we go. Someone's calling in. I think we have our first caller. No, it's Dave's phone. They're probably like, don't do it, Dave. Don't do it. I like that rugged look. Did you see what I did, guys? Yeah. I did it towards the direction the hair is growing. Okay. It looks like it's growing in all directions. I know. That's a sad thing. Okay. And then I held it. Oh, I'm going to get way more than her. And then she puts a strip of muslin. Muslin? Muslin. It's a muslin head wrap? Pull the skin so it doesn't hurt him. Whoa! Okay, let's give this a big hug. Oh, I can beat that. This is our first strip. Look at that. She was too bashful. This is the first strip of hair. Yeah, it was good. It didn't hurt him. First strip. Was that on camera? Yep. Kayvon's turn. All right, let me get all my sandals for this. All right, so that is Melissa's strip right there. We've got the strip. I need the proper footwear for this. Okay, Kayvon. And you've got to let him do it. You can't help. What has my life come to? This is a challenge. You're the one who's actually taking it off. You're not the one. All right, here we go. Here we go. Ready? Oh, my God. Look at this. Hey, wait. I'm getting cold wax. I know what she did. There's hair in there. There's hair in the wax. All right, here we go. Ready? Wait, wait, wait. You've got to spin it. Spin it. Spin it. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Okay, ready? Don't. You can't help him, Melissa. It's a challenge. You can't help him. You can't help him. This is going to end great. Okay. All right, here we go. I'm going for gross. Okay, it's starting to dry. You've got to put the muslin on it. All right, muslin, here we go. One, two, three. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right. So hard. Which way did she go now? I should have paid better attention. Did she go left or right? I don't know. Okay. I don't know. If you look closely, I put a lot more on the left side because I think I have the strength to go forward. Oh, my God. One, two, three. Oh! Booyah! I double-arm hand-grip this. I think you won. You did win. Look at the difference. Oh, my gosh. Okay, I got to show the difference and then we got to put some... Oh, my gosh. This is hilarious. This is Melissa's strip. That's too close. There you go. There we go. Yeah. This, I have to go way back. This is K-Bone's strip. Look at that bear rug right there. See it, Andy? We're auctioning this right now. We're auctioning Dave Swan's back hair to fund our small production here. It looks like a Wolverine. All right. So, the first round goes to Mr. K-Bone. I must tell you, the reason I did that well was because I didn't take Dave's pain, threshold, or feelings into account. Into consideration. I didn't care. Melissa, you don't have to worry about that right now. I'll get it, babe. Yes, positive. Okay, so, Andy, we ready for the last challenge? Let's get her going. Battle of the fool's gold. This is not a good game because what happened is, if it's... Oh, there's still some back there. You see, if one person wins and the other doesn't, then we switch. You guys are gonna stand up. There's no tie breaker. You can't pick them up yet. So, there's no tie breaker. Well, actually, technically, you won the first challenge. Yeah, but if she wins, then it's a tie. I let him win the first challenge. You did let me win. I could tell. Okay. There will be a tie breaker. You can't win. Oh, my goodness. What are we doing? We're gonna try to put these as many gold chains. You guys got... You got to stand up. All right, here we go. Stand up. Take off the headphones. Move your mics. We're trying to put on as many Persian rugs as possible. Persian necklace. Five, four, three, two, one, go. Three, two, one, go. As many as you can put on. No, that's cheating. Game on. You got to get them on. They have to be on over the head. I am a game show winner. Three, two, one. Two, one. And stop. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Three, two, one. One. And stop. Okay. Count them. Take them off. Count them. They got to be on your body. Yeah, that dangler doesn't count. That dangler does not count. Well... Okay, here. Hand that one to Dave. All right. The dangler doesn't count. Just take it off. I'll count it, K-Von. But you know. You know. I mean... Okay, let me see. I'll count it off your neck. I'll count them on your neck. Melissa got nine. Shit, man. I'm scared. One. He won. Yeah, I don't know. K-Von cheated. You guys sit down and talk. I'm a competitive guy. Yeah, he beat you. I drive fast. I run fast. How many Melissa got? Nine. Nine. Okay, well, geez. Considering the cheater. I put some on my duel. The cheater. Oh, he does know more than two words. Okay, so these two are connected. Those two don't count. Oh, shit. Here we go. You know the bad ones. Okay, so K-Von got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. And that one doesn't count. So it's a tie. It is a tie. Oh. You did yours elegant. Elegant. Let's do this. What's next? Nothing. How about we say a poem in Farsi? I'm going to make this even for Dave. I'm going to make this even for Dave because I actually let my hair grow out of my legs for two days for you, Mel. Are you serious? Do you want me to wax you? You got to wax the strip off my leg. Oh, my God. There's not a strip on your leg. That's a ton of hair. You want me to do it now? Yeah, both of you. I have to do this. Here we go. I think we just got tricked, Melissa, into doing free waxing services. You did. Yeah. See? I tried to get it to grow out. Hey, you guys. Get him. Yeah, I know. We'll let ... Okay, Kayvon, you got to come put the wax on mine right now, too. Oh, my God. This sucks. Yeah. Have you ever waxed your legs? No. I don't have much hair on my legs. I may have to reheat it, though. Yeah, you're fine. Oh, probably good. We'll just do one. Right now, the play-by-play is Melissa's ... Okay. Nikki, here, grab a pen. Bite it. Oh, no. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Kayvon, you want to give her an airhead? Because food makes it make you happy. Okay. Let's do it. Kayvon, your turn. Okay, Kayvon, come on. You got to come. Are you serious? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That hurts. This is a sexy woman leg hair. That hurts so bad. Now, Kayvon, remember, do not take her pain threshold into account. That hurts so bad. It's not that bad. You have tattoos. You have to get them done. Okay. I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it. There it goes. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. we go you got your mouth you got your muslin ready come on yeah there we go oh don't worry mom and dad are proud of you NASA this is this is kind of I got any hair in there I she got more Melissa one hey the girls got it back she got it there we go hey you guys my defense I wasn't allowed to let it dry this is true I was told we don't have time thank you guys very much was another fun-filled edition of battle of sexes and our winner is the disco ball yeah there you go Melissa Shishahi we'll be back next week at six o'clock anything you can do I can do better I can do anything better than you lawyer anything you can be I can be greater sooner or later I'm greater than you yes I am yes I am yes I am yes I am