Battle of the Gingers with sunscreen challenge

Anything you can do I can do better I can do anything better than you No you can't Yes I can Anything you can be I can be greater Sooner or later I'm greater than you No you're not Yes I am No you're not Yes I am No you're not Yes I am Oh. Oh. Hey. Welcome to Battle of the Sexes. I'm Dave Swann. This is Nikki Bernal. She's back. I am back. And feeling better. The Mexican is back. See you. And also, one of our two guests, she won the first challenge because she was early. Yay. You're winning. Mary Patterson-Broom. Hi. Mary. She wins the challenge. Yes. I'm one thing. It's on time. Yes, you are. Punctual. I was early. Remember? Oh, she was. Remember just 10 minutes ago when I was early? You and I chatted. I saw something I can't unsee. You did. You imagined it afterwards? I thought about it. She's the primo redhead on the show today. Thank you. Well, the other one's BJ drunk. He's probably still hungover from Monday. But we did provide you guys with some Mickeys. Thank you. Thank you for that. In the spirit of Irish boozing. I got to tell you, I don't know the history of Mickeys. Is it an Irish thing? I hear it is. I have no idea, but I know the bar I worked at in college had a Guinness record for the most ones of those drank in a day. You went to Miami? Mm-hmm. God, look at this. Right here. Oh, that is a steel trap. That was me pointing to my skull with my memory. Like, I remember shit. Yeah, but can you guys open beer bottles with your teeth? I can do that. Can you really? Can I watch you? That's kind of a white trash thing. Oh, my God. It actually didn't look painful. I thought it was going to be painful looking. It's not, but I do Bud Light, so. Nice. Nice. Show's off to a great start, Swan. Well, I didn't want to start drinking until we had, she had something that was not water to drink. I'm kind of off the sauce right now. I hate to, I hate, Dave, you know I go on and off the sauce. You know, I do-ish. Yeah, you go, I feel like we see each other, we're like, are you on or are you off right now? I am on the wagon right now. Hey, and there's BJ. BJ. Atta boy, Calhoun Auto Parts. Yeah, battle the gingers, round five? Pretty intense. Round five. Yeah. Hey, buddy, you want to put the headphones on? Yeah. You even, you lost the first challenge. I know. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. You beat me on that. Look, I brought you Mickey's. I am very happy about that. I almost wore my green King's jersey, but I was like, I'm going to be sweating my balls off if I do that in this place. Oh, yeah, it gets hot. But Mary Patterson, you have Homeo and Juliet. Yes, we just recorded an episode today. That's my podcast. It's on iTunes and Stitcher and homeoandjuliet.net. Subscribe. Subscribe, please. Fancy. I want to eat those chips, but I feel it's going to make it noisy. So it's you and your buddy. Me and my gay BFF. That's Homeo. I'm Juliet. You know, we just talk about life. We interview other artists that we find interesting. Like after the end of this, I'm probably going to want to have all three of y'all on. Yeah, we talk about like a mix of pop culture, self-help, Oprah, all sorts of stuff. We run the gamut. We really do. Is that just by chance that his name's Homeo and he's gay? No, we just thought of that one day. We're like, we should do a podcast. His name's Jason Romaine. Oh, okay, got it. You've been doing it for a while. We've been doing it two and a half years. We just did our 77th episode. Is that how long ago you were on the Getting Chicks with Matt and Dave? The podcast formerly known as Getting Chicks with Matt and Dave. Getting Chicks with Matt and Dave, yeah. I don't know. Maybe we just started it then. Because I remember you had it at that time. Yeah. It's one of those things where I feel like I do it because it's fun and I don't really care if anything happens from it. Like I'm sure y'all feel that way about this. Do you look forward to doing this? Yeah, let's go with that. Because there's so many things in this career you're like, you should do that. You should do that. We just like doing it. We have goals. Ambitions and moral standings. Are you kidding? This one like messages me every single day. We have this many downloads. We have this many downloads. We have this many downloads. That's good. Yeah, he's super focused. Well, I have, yeah, ADD kind of. And it distracts me from the shit I'm supposed to do. Exactly. How do you track your downloads? We actually have an actual like media statistics thing that Skid Row Studio does for us because Skid Row Studio is awesome. Keeping it prof, Skid Row. And if you guys are wanting to call in right now, we're doing this live. You can call in at 1-800-893-9562. How long did it take you to memorize that phone number? I was reading it the whole time. That's what I'm like. I'm not going to ever memorize that. We just look up to God and then automatically remember the number, BJ. It comes to you. It just comes. I am never going to memorize another number. Number. Number. Number. Actually, that's kind of accurate right now. After my brother's cell phone number. After that, I'm like, I'm good. I got the three numbers. My mom's, my dad's, my house phone. I'm like, I'm good after that. I'm good after that. I'm good after that. I'm good after that. I'm good after that. I'm good after that. Girls on Tinder don't have numbers, you know. Are you on Tinder, Dave? I want to hear about it. I went on one Tinder date. It was awful. Have you already talked about it on the show? I just think I said it was awful. Yeah, I just said it was awful. She's like, let's go. I need a drink. Can we get some detail on the awful? I need a drink right now. Well, she had kids, didn't she? She had one kid. One kid. What was the kid doing while y'all were drinking? You don't know? You didn't ask? You didn't know who's got the kid right now? She's like, well, this was fun. You want to do this again? I'm like, no. I don't do kids. Wow. Well, I don't do kids. No, no, no. Good for you. You need to own what you want. Sorry, Beej, I feel like I'm doing all the talking, man. No, it's fine. Can I have one of these? Yes, those are for you. And I'm boring now. I don't drink. So why are you on the wagon this time? Because I'm a lush and drink too much. I'm a redhead. It shouldn't be surprising to anybody. It is fun. How'd you feel yesterday? I still am hungover. What was yesterday? No, Monday was my birthday and we had a roast. I know. I missed the roast. I heard it was epic. It was a good time from what I remember. It's a good thing that Neff drove me at the time he did. Because I kind of barely remember being on the table for Rubio's song. Oh, yeah. I don't remember leaving. Rubio was there? Yeah. This is a blackout birthday. Blackout birthday for Beej. Oh, yeah. Big time. Atta boy. Cheers to that. Yeah, cheers. I think... Jason Renabai even said he got an Uber down there. Yeah. That was the best thing. As soon as I showed up, I'm like, let's do shots. There was a lot of shots. It was three for one. Blackout Swan. Yeah. No, Blackout Swan came out later. Did the ambulance come out later? No. Not this time. Not this time. I was walking distance from my apartment. Smart. Where was the roast? Universal Bar in Studio City. Oh, God. Oh. Yeah. You know, we go to only the finest places. The place where they will serve you until you hit the ground. That's what we were looking for. We didn't want anybody to get cut off for the responsible service of alcohol. What's her name? Kellyanne? Kellyanne. Oh, yeah. You know, I did a show there recently. I did Chris Puchro's show. Right. And there was this guy at the bar that was like, you know, and like, they're creeping on you and he was like, where are your shows? I'm like, here's my card, you know, whatever, come to a show. Right. And then I saw him sending a dick pic. Like, he was leaning against the jukebox and I saw him like, pulling the picture up on his phone and I was behind him and I'm like, oh my God, he's sending a dick pic like right now at this bar. I'm seeing a full front. The weird thing was he was sending that dick pic to me. How's Allegra doing? Oh. Oh. Good one. But I did that comedian thing where I was like, don't you mention this on stage? Don't you mention this when you get on stage? The second I got up there, I'm like, hey, what's with you sending dick pics in this bar? I saw it, man, I saw you. He does have your number now though. He got so uncomfortable. My number is not on my business card. Oh, okay. Neither is my email address. You gotta figure that shit out if you really want to get in touch with me. You have to hunt her down. Yes. You have to ask around town. Would Park Bar have cut you guys off if you had done it at Park Bar? No, but Park Bar doesn't have liquor. Oh, that's right. Yeah, there was nothing to the madness on that one. Actually, Park Bar would have probably been better because they don't have liquor. Yeah, yeah. For you. Well, I was in a lot of pain yesterday. Yeah, so was I. It was pretty bad. I went to Formosa Taco Tuesday. You have to go to that if you guys are in that area in Santa Monica. Really? $3 tacos that are like amazing. Yeah, that place smells like feet to me. Yeah. I can't. It's all the poor comics that have been there on stage. Is that what it is? Yeah, left their shame on the ground. You can smell the sadness and broken dreams. Exactly. I think I'm immune to that smell now because of Big Fish. Yeah, God, that place. UBG though is funny though because Kellyanne, it's hilarious that she calls everybody sucka. Yeah. She's like, what's up sucka? Yeah, she's very upbeat. She gives candy out. Free fireballs. Fireballs and candy. She's the purveyor of fireballs and candy. Fireball is awful. Yeah. Man. We were drinking whiskey but not fireball that night. Dead Jameson. I'm pretty sure somebody could have snuck fireball after like the fifth Jameson though and I wouldn't have known. I think I was responsible for three of those Jamesons while I was there. Yeah, yeah. No, I know I was. You're preparing for the show, right? Drinking a bunch of Jameson. Hey, well, at a real roast, the person is supposed to go up at the end and roast everyone else but, but I wasn't able to formulate words and they gave me about 30 seconds before they go, okay, that's it. That's hilarious. Are there a lot of Irish people in Alabama? Yes and no. I mean, I grew up with a lot of Episcopalians and Catholics. You're kidding. You're good at guilt? Yeah, I'm real good at guilt. I'm Episcopalian so like we don't have as much guilt. Like they have like party buses for the church and stuff. Roman Irish Catholic though. Right? Yeah. Lots of Catholics are Irish. Right. No, I'm actually German is my, my dad like looked up his heritage because he was adopted and he figured out his biological parents were like third generation German. So I'm actually not Irish. I hate to drop that here right now. Wow, Dave. But I've got red hair. I mean, it's still red. No, it's balanced red. It's ginger. It doesn't matter. I never said she was Irish. But now we, but now we get to see who the better ginger is. The Germans or the Irish. There we go. There we go. I know she's not Irish but I never said she was. At least she's a legit ginger and she doesn't dye it, you know? Nope. No, it's gorgeous. I always wished I was a redhead. My dad is a redhead. He's part Irish. Oh yeah? Yeah, freckle face, green eyes and I started out with like really light hair and within a month it just got darker and the eyes got darker and my parents are going, no! I think it takes a long time as a redhead to come to terms with it. Like you hate it when you're little. Really? And then you get older and you're like, I'm a redhead. You just feel better about it. Oh, I thought my grandmother was gorgeous. I wanted red hair so bad. I wanted to be Ariel the little mermaid. Oh yeah, Ariel. We all wanted to be Ariel. But you guys are closer than all of us. Lucky bastards. Where are you from, BJ? I am from Minnesota. Okay. Yes. Did you get sunburned today, buddy? No, this is just my natural glow for the day when I drive the bus around all day. I don't know, this is just regular sunburn. Well, he's got like a good, he's got that redhead tan. Like I kind of get that too. That little beet red. We're not like pale that we're going to blind somebody's eyes, you know, when they see us. We can get a little bit of a tan. Oh yeah, I get that too. It's kind of annoying though when you get burned. Mine's not that bad. It's just my freckles merging together. Okay, I have that. All right, fine. That's what's going on. Fine, that's what's happening. I really can't tan. I get jealous of people who can. They connect their own dots. Like when people are like, let's go to the beach and hang out in the sun and I'm like, no. See, I'm still in denial about it. I'm like, yeah, let's lay out and think I'm not going to have third degree burns. And then you're just getting more freckles all over. Oh yeah, I'm definitely getting skin cancer. There's no question. No question. Burns turn to tan though eventually, don't they? Eventually, but I mean, the older I get, I just feel like I look old when I get sun. But you got to peel off like that first layer when you get burnt. It's just, no. When's the last time you got a bad burn, BJ? Actually, just a couple weeks ago, I was out golfing and got burnt really bad. I wore sunscreen the day I went out with Dave. I learned sometimes. Sometimes I remember to put it on. I don't know if I did. No, I was fine that day. It wasn't that bad. We only did nine holes anyways. See, even with a hat on right now, you look a little bit a little burnt on the nose and the face. That's just chronic Irish red face. Which I get, not being Irish. He's actually not burnt. He's just drunk right now. That's the Mickeys kicking in. Yeah, right? Yeah, okay, sure. That's just the Mickeys. See, you've performed for a lot of great comics too. I've read and heard a lot about you. You performed with Richard Lewis before in Don Maria. Don Maria, yeah, yeah. I used to, for years, I worked at a booking agency for headliners. I was like an assistant and they did all their itineraries so I got to do all the bookings. I got to know them really well. That is so cool. And then when I had a half hour, I started leeching off their dates. That's awesome though. Yeah, yeah. You're like, you know who can be their feature? Exactly. This person. No, I'm like, happen to know somebody who can open for them. Yeah, I totally pulled that card. Who is your favorite person to feature for? Greg Fitzsimmons. Really? That's so cool. Another, another, he's Irish. No, that guy's Irish. Yeah. Well, Fitzsimmons. Yeah. I was gonna say, yeah, you feature for him a lot now, though, right? Yeah, he's been really good to me. We get along really well. You know, pale people, we get each other. Yeah. We get each other. We feel each other's pain. It's a lot of getting mocked as you grow up and you stick together. That's awesome. Yeah. And aren't you one of the original like pretty funny women too? I wouldn't say the original. Well, the original group. I did it when it was still like, it's kind of become a little oversaturated. Like she has it like a lot of different places and it's been more about the schooling, I think. But I got inspired to do standup because my first standup show ever was at InnoVision. It was in 2005 at the Hollywood Improv. And at the time, Chelsea Handler was still like just girls behaving badly, shitting blown up. And she was headlining. It was her and Tasha Leggero and Sarah Colonna and all these people. And I remember going, oh, that's what I want to do. Oh, cool. I had never thought about doing standup. I always wanted to do like sketch. So you started in 2005. I started doing standup in January of 06. Oh, okay, cool. Well, technically, first time on stage was March 2nd, 2006. Damn, she knows the dates. I know. Because I've obsessed about my career so much for so long. It's exhausting. BJ, have you obsessed about your career? My career is a big blur. I'm going to be through all of these before... Did you start in Minnesota? Yeah. Acme is like heaven. That's where I started. Yes. Acme Comedy Club, they laugh at the setup. And you're like, whoa, I'm emotional already. And I haven't even... You guys enjoy it? Oh, my gosh. I need to come here more often. You're like, this is the best relationship I've had in 10 years. You guys are paying attention and letting me talk and being attentive. Yeah, exactly. Wait, Nikki, where are you from? I'm from Las Cruces, New Mexico. I started in El Paso, Texas. Oh. Yeah. Hyenas? No, hyenas. What's at El Paso? The comic strip. Comic strip, yeah. Thank you. That's where I started. I got my first open mic opportunity there from my old mentor who passed away several years ago, Freddy Soto. Oh, okay. Yeah. You had a mentor in stand-up. I did for a little bit. It's hard to find a mentor in stand-up. Well, in El Paso, there's not many people to feed off of. Exactly. I'm sure 10 people had him as a mentor. So when did you come out here? I moved out to L.A. in 2007. Okay. 2007, yeah. 2007, 2008. I was living in Houston, Texas trying to do stand-up out there and work for NASA. That's a good scene. Work for NASA? I was working for NASA. We got a brainiac in the room. Yeah, she's a smart fucker. Dang. I am a smart person. Then I moved out here to work for Northrop Grumman just to get out here. I was negotiating contracts for the F-18s. Wow. I know. All this boring contract talk. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Do you know what I want to really do? Is a Skid Row studio show. That's my goal in life. The epitome of my career. At Skid Row Studios. Screw the six-figure salary. I want to do radio and comedy. Basically, that's what happened. That's so cool. So you could like pay for stuff. Yeah. What's that like? Not anymore. Yeah. I had like, it's kind of a really sad and loathsome story, but it's funny to talk about sometimes on stage because I had like a nest egg built up, like a 50,000-year-old $1,000 nest egg. That's quite the egg. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to quit. I'm just going to write and do voiceovers because I was just starting to do voiceovers again for CBS and ABC and NBC. I was doing commercial voiceovers and I had just gone through a really painful, long three-year divorce. I was only married for like six months, but it took three and a half years to end this. Right. Right. Yeah. And so my- You got drug out. Exactly. So my ex-husband was a CPA and I was trusting him with all our tax refunds. Yeah. And he had been cheating on our taxes for years. Oh, man. So the week I actually quit my job to start doing comedy again, I had literally just finished a show at the parlor, went out to dinner with my girlfriends and my bank account had been levied. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I had to start over. So I didn't have that like glorious, like, yeah, it was so easy and I paid for everything. No, I lost my car, my apartment, everything that same week. Wow, life. Yeah. Wow. But you know what? It made me a better comic because I didn't have that nest egg. So I had to push myself harder to actually use that as my, you know, way to pay bills. Oh, my God. Yeah. No sob story. It's fine. I know it's not a sob story. It's just very jarring. Like, that's crazy. Well, cheers to that. Cheers. Cheers to making it. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. So now everyone's a little depressed. No, I'm not depressed. I'm just like very, I'm impressed. Guys, I'm impressed is what I am. But yes, I did buy all the lights inside the astronauts' helmets. Wow. You're like, trust me, I had an American-made model. I knew all the manufacturers who manufactured the parts that go into it. Pretty much, yeah. I even bought the treadmill that they work on. I did the negotiation at International Space Station. Wow. You were like a buyer for NASA. I did the negotiating procurement for all their little things that they needed. That's interesting. BJ's like, I don't know how to process this right now. Tang. You bought a lot of tang. I bought a lot of tang. Powdered food. Not that kind of tang. Remember the ice cream, the freeze-free, the fried. Oh, that stuff is disgusting. The ice cream sandwich. Oh, it's so disgusting. Freeze-dried? Is that the term? I'm like, the dry-free, what? Yeah, it's like they think your spit's gonna turn it into something in your mouth. It's just powder. Wait, they actually are just supposed to take the powder? No, it's freeze-dried. It's like blocks. Wait, are we talking about the tang or are we talking about the food? Free-dried ice cream. The sandwiches. Oh, that wasn't really that great. Really? It's 4 a.m. They show you what the space people. Yeah, when you went to the NASA museum, you're like, astronaut, I'm like, space people? It's space ice cream. Yeah, there we go. Space ice cream. Future ice cream was cooler. Yeah, well, a lot of the other foods are like gel packet. Well, yeah, when I did a tour of a military base, it was an Air Force base, and they were showing us their helmet, and it's like a, yeah. Well, you also did the Middle East too, right? Yeah, you performed for the troops. I did, I did. Last September. It was pretty cool. Two weeks, right? Two weeks, yeah. I went to Djibouti, Abu Dhabi. Djibouti. Djibouti is actually a place on a map with currency. There's goats and baggage claim, but they are a country. Spelled DJ, right? I've spent some curses on Djibouti before. No one doubts that, BJ. No one doubts that. Oh, my God. Well, you were kind of like me in the terms of being a female comic, because I've read a little about you before, and the thing is, like, we didn't come from really bad families or bad backgrounds, and everybody expects when you're a female comic going on stage that you have daddy issues, something bad happened. Yeah, I had a great dad. Me too. I don't know how the hell I ended up here. I know. It's kind of a thing. I tell people, there's no excuse, because then people are like, what happened to you? I know. What's your excuse? BJ, you had loving parents too, right? Yeah. Minnesota. Minnesota. There's a good stock, those Vikings. They still tell me they're proud of me, and I'm like, what is wrong with you? Honey, you can do anything you set your mind to. You don't even have to be a Twins fan, sweetie. I'm just like, what is wrong with you guys? I turned 33 this week. Honey, it's out there for you. That's okay. You're doing this internet radio show. We're very proud of you. That's a big step for you. They're very proud of anything I could do. I was like, I'd bring home, I'd screw up in school on purpose and bring home a C, and they're like, well, at least you tried. Oh, my gosh, that's great. I got in trouble for C, like Bs. David, why didn't you? You could have gotten a A. My dad never said, he just said he was angry. I mean, he just always said he was disappointed. So you could have made the A's. You just were lazy. It wasn't that you weren't smart. You just didn't want to do the work. You wanted attention. Yeah, exactly. I've gotten a lot of the disappointed in the last seven years. Really? Like since drinking's come in. It's like, David, we're not mad at you. We're just disappointed. All right? See, I just want my family to worry about me a little, and they don't. My parents are always like, oh, if you were gonna not be able to make it, you would have been home by now. So we're not really that concerned. I'm like, be concerned. See, my mom's like over this. My dad's still supportive. My mom is so over it. That's so funny. This week, she sent me this ridiculous text about, do you want to come home and dad can buy you a house and you can be a nanny for your nephew and do community theater? And I was like, it would be just quicker to off myself right now. Community theater? Yeah, yeah. She's like, oh, she goes and take law classes on the side. I'm like, what are these vague law classes? You mean law school? Yeah. That's kind of a big endeavor. Well, just here, look, I have some pamphlets for you. It's reading material. My gosh. Oh my God. Oh my God. She sent it except you. Whenever I like have something, I've just learned not, you gotta, I'm sure y'all have all learned this with LA. You don't tell your parents like, I might have something big because if it doesn't work out, they just get disappointed. They get disappointed. And my mom's like, maybe, you know, you said you give it 10 years. I'm like, okay, it's been nine years. Quit rounding up. My mom just tells everybody. Maybe it's not working out. Maybe it just stands up, just hadn't worked out. And I'm like, it doesn't work that way. How long have they been rounding up to 10 years? Oh my God. For like the past three years. It's really annoying. It's over five. That's closer to 10. Yeah. Big ups to Mary and BJ's parents for being supportive. That's awesome. Yeah. Awesome parents. Oh, it's Mary Patterson is her first name. It's a double name. Oh, Mary Patterson. Yeah. Even awesome. It's so obnoxious. Yeah. Double name. Is that how guys have to call your name out during sex? They're like, Mary Patterson, Mary Patterson. They usually talk about themselves during sex. I don't have to worry about it. Do you experience that? It's like, I just want them to be quiet. Right. I know. I kind of hate it when people talk. I can't think of anything to say I'm like, I'm focused on this right now. No talking needs to happen. I hate when they ask questions more than anything. Oh, me too. I hate that. Like, what do you want me to do? I'm like, God, I want you to like my friends and like commit and do laundry and I just don't want you to talk right now. I'm going to take notes right now. I want you to text me back. That's what I want you to do. How about texting me back? This guy recently asked me, what turns you on? And I wanted to go, people who write me back, people who text me the next day. Without any grammatical errors and something more than the word K? Yep. Letter K? So don't send K. Or a winky face. No, yeah, just stay away from the emoticons. Good to know. That's the general rule. Yeah, at least make the symbols yourself out of like the punctuation. At least it shows a little bit more effort. We are on the same page, man. It shows more effort. I like the devil with a smile though. I'm sure you do. Because it looks like BJ Drunk. It's just red. No, the devil's purple. Oh, the devil's purple. See, I don't mess with the emoticons so I don't know this. I don't know. I had a female friend put them on my phone. I'm like, all right, these are going to be boring. What do you mean put them on your phone? They're usually just, they're there. Look at you trying to blame it on somebody else. He does, a lot. Dude, have you ever had the girl just send you the baby one that you don't know what it's about? Are you calling me baby? Are we having a baby? That's called beware of Mexicans. Yeah. That would scare the shit out of me. Yeah. Be like, no. Have you had that, Beach? Did I call you Beach? Yes, yes. Yo, Beach. Hey, Beach. Actually, I just found out last night that apparently I got some girl pregnant 10 years ago and she hadn't aborted and never told me. How did you find out? Some girl that was her roommate at the time got mad at me for some comment I put on Facebook and told me that. She just threw it out there? Yeah. Oh, my God. And I was like, whoa. I'm like, I would have like been there for. That's a lot of information to process. Yeah, I know. That's like. The thing is, that's like not the first thing that's happened. That's like past the statute of limitations I think. Yeah. Like 10 years. 10 years? That's like beyond daggers at you. It scares me. Now I'm like, how many other times has this happened? You know, I'm like, is this a thing? How does that, I don't understand how people still get pregnant. It's like, do you use a birth control or a condom? I don't know. Yeah, I always, that's a. How do people still make that mistake? I have a friend that just happened to me. I was on the shot forever. It just took away everything. Drinking. Drinking makes you. I had a friend that had a crazy bad reaction to that. Really? Yeah. I was one of the test dummies for that back in like 2000. Back when you lost that NASA money? Yeah. You know? You're like, here, you want to give a shot at my uterus? Awesome. No, I was playing college softball for New Mexico State and they're like, oh, you're perfect for this trial because you can't have that happen to you on the road. No one's going to want to fuck you if you play softball. You're probably a lesbian and you're going to be on the road a lot. We'll just save you the trouble. That was what they said? No. That would have been awesome. I was believing that. I was like, really? No, they were just like, it's perfect for a young college athlete. That way you don't have to deal with it. And this is way too much men's talk for the radio this time of day while drinking. Dave's like, stop. Oh, no, I was leaning back because I was eating chips. I still can't believe that person threw that out there on Facebook. I know. That's ridiculous. And it wasn't even that person. What comment would elicit that? No, yeah. And it was like one of those one night stand deals. You know what I mean? Like after a wedding. Oh. Yeah. Was it her wedding? The one who got married? No, no. But this was like a friend of hers. This is so weird. It's almost like, yeah, it's not like they got on. I mean, like I've had girls try to pin kids on me and I've had to go take DNA tests and stuff like that. No way, Dave. So this is a reoccurring thing. I like to call them damn not again tests. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. It's not like they're getting on your Facebook wall. See, but I always pass. So I'm like, maybe I'm impotent, you know? And like, I was like, sweet. And then I had that. I'm like, so when I do get girls knocked up, they don't even tell me about it. Yeah, it was a lot. I was like, and my girlfriend was like, are you okay? Because I told her, like she was there. Did she see it on your Facebook? No, but she was there when it happened. And I'm like, so apparently this happened. And I was like, and she's like, well, is this like a normal thing? Like, and I'm like, yeah, so apparently this kid might come knocking on the door. Hey, how's it going? And I would be like, eh. Did it make you feel better that your swimmers still work though? Yeah. I don't know. It was good. 10 years ago, they might not. Yeah. Hmm. I don't know. Jesus, I would hate it if someone got on my Facebook and they were mad and they're just like, your parents don't even love you. They didn't even want you. You're not even supposed to be here. My parents told me that. That was a mistake. My parents said that I am the best mistake they ever made. Aw. And I go, that was like. A major backhanded compliment. Thank you? Question marks. Where did you start doing comedy, BJ? I am actually in college. I started hosting a comedy night that this kid was like, hey, you're funny. Come down and take over for me. I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. He was starting grad school. So then I went down to watch this kid and I was like, yeah, I can do better than that. And he's like, yeah, I have a future, BJ. Take it over. Yeah. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Didn't even see it like that, but that's what happened. He's like, I have grad school coming. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I'm just hanging out. I have another degree so I don't have to leave this college. So that's what. So I can keep drinking. You're the real Van Wilder. I really was. I really was. It took me almost six years to graduate college, so. Doctor. And the same thing with my parents. They're like, we're going to cut you off. I'm like, okay, so give me that cap and gown. Let's get out of here. That's hilarious. Man, where did you study? Communications. Yeah, communication and theater. I double majored in. You were definitely very good at communication. Where'd you go to college? University of Minnesota. Where is that in Minnesota? I went to the Duluth campus, which is on Lake Superior and it borders Superior, Wisconsin. Sounds cold. Yeah, it was. It's probably the only college that's connected by tunnels because kids don't, they're all tied in the winter. I think Notre Dame has that too. Yeah, it's bad. It got below zero quite often. I think that's a fun school. Sounds like no sunburn though. No, no, and you just drank a lot. I mean, that's why, you know, people in the Midwest. Midwest people. Good stock. It's fun. Good stock. Yep. Wow. Are you even a Twins fan? Yep. You are? Like legitimately, even when they're bad? Wow. Are you a Vikings fan? No, I'm not a Vikings fan. I just wanted to act like I knew something about football. I'm a Green Bay Packer fan. Green and gold. Green and gold. That's cool. Yeah. So anyway, with the sports, did you play in college too? No, I did not play in college. I played a little football in high school. What position, buddy? I was a guard. Guard? Strong guard. Yes, yes. I was, I, more so when I moved to Minnesota, like, it was like right in my high school beginning and it was like, I didn't want to like get involved in that stuff. Right. So then I got involved in like theater and stuff like that. So, yeah, I think I made the wrong choice. And how did you end up here though? Out here? Yeah. Well, I had a mentor too in comedy and they told me that I needed to pick a coast and I was sick of the cold. So I picked. That's cool. Yeah, pick a coast. Who was your mentor? A guy named Scott Hanson. Where is he? He came up with Louie Anderson. Him and Louie were like really good friends and then Louie kind of blew up and he kind of stayed in Minnesota. So. So is he a clean? Is he a clean comic too? Like Louie? Yeah. Yeah, they both are. I mean, they'd be like, we're clean and then all of a sudden they'd like start swearing and I'm like, what? Wait a second. But yeah, I mean, they're pretty clean comics. Yeah. So I started out, you know, trying to do a lot of dirty stuff but they taught me that, you know, you're never going to get booked anywhere if you're talking about. I've seen your set though. I know. Yeah, but the funny thing is is it's all innuendos and things like that. It's still clean. You know what I mean? Mine is too. Yeah. See, everybody has a different assumption of what clean comedy is. Like, I never thought that innuendo was considered way outside the box when it came to clean. All I thought was, okay, I just don't, I can't cuss. I can't say like phallic words and stuff like that and talk about myself actually being in like a sexual act or a drug act or anything like that. But as long as it's like puns and innuendos, then you're kind of like just twisting the imagery a little. But then everybody would be like, oh, that's dirty. And I was like, I was just so confused. What is clean comedy then? I have no idea. I get annoyed when they tell you, I don't know about, I think more about women, female comedians, like, you know, women, that's who I'm like, you know, not competing with, but that's who careers I look up to. And they always say, you know, be clean, be clean, be clean. All the successful female comedians are all dirty as hell. You can never tell Leggero or Silverman or any of them, like Chelsea Handler, any of them, be clean. No. Amy Schumer, Lisa Lampanelli, like, yeah, none of them are clean. Why do I have to worry about it? I'm sick of worrying about being clean. Like, I'm sick of it. All it really takes away from you is doing like a late night spot. Right. Which I haven't been able to get in nine years anyways. So, you know. Because even, I was told that even doing my jokes about birth control was not considered clean. Really? Yeah. Because it's a sexual reference. I've seen women do birth control jokes on late night TV. So that's not freaking true. It's just, it's weird how that happens. Yeah. It's frustrating. I guess cleaning is only considered like you keep it in your family realm and where you're from type realm and everyday situations and then it's clean. But if it's in the bedroom or at a bar or drug related, then uh-uh. I think you just gotta be true to yourself. Right, Gus? Yeah. You really do. That's why we're here right now and not on late night. You gotta say what you want. Hey, it's a building block. All right? It is a building block. So I wanna know about this bromance though. How did this bromance like form between you and Eric? Oh, um. We, for our listeners that don't know, BJ actually co-hosts a show every week at the Park Bar with Eric Allegria which has turned into quite the bromance. And UBG. The Thirsty Thursday. Office Bar. Yep. Quite the dynamic duo. What happened was is uh, actually I started Kill Em With Laughter productions with a guy uh, from Chicago who kinda, he liked Eric so he booked Eric to uh, headline one of our shows uh, The Best of the Midwest was one of the first shows we did. And Eric headlined and that was the first time I saw him and then just through Love at First Sight? Uh, no. I didn't even think he was that funny the first time I saw him. But uh, I mean, he had some good stuff and it's like, but I mean, his work ethic is what kinda like drew me to him cause he, I mean, he, he grinds, you know? Yeah. I mean, he performs six, seven nights a week and you don't see a lot of comics out there doing that and I mean, you know, whether it's an open mic or you know, a bar show he is a hard, you know, and like so, I just kinda, you know, asked him if he wanted to start running shows with me and that's kinda just how it evolved into what it is now, so. And the work ethic just rubbed off right on you, right? Yeah. Yeah, let's go with that. Yeah. Uh, actually we just had an interview for uh, this reality TV show and they wanna focus on the bromance part of it. We're going to be the bromance with Tom West, right? Yeah, with Tom West. That's really, really cool though. Tom West is gonna videotape. Well, because you guys, the shows that you guys offer to comics though, you offer a lot of good opportunity and a lot of good stage time. Yeah, they're fun. Yeah, because they're, you know, Eric always says he only books the people he likes, you know, like he knows, he knows the people that are true and honest and you know, are good and it's like, and the people that aren't, it's like, that's kind of what it is. I mean, back when comedy started, I mean, look at the comedy store when it first started out, it was a group of people that were all friends with each other, hanging out, telling jokes and then now it's become all these egos and things like that and I feel like that takes away from a lot of the comedy and I mean, that's why when you guys come to our shows, it's like everybody's hanging out, having fun, it's a good time. It's not about, oh, I gotta make these people laugh. It's like, no, have fun and then you'll be funny, you know what I mean? When you're not concentrating on it, you're not trying, that's when you actually are the funniest, you know? Because a lot of people get scared of your rooms too. Exactly. Yeah, some people just, I don't wanna, I don't know. No, yeah, that's, and I mean, if you can't do that show, then how are you ever expected to do any type of big show, you know what I mean? Like, if you can't do a bar with a bunch of drunks, then how are you ever gonna be on this night show, you know what I mean? So it's like. I've had some of my best workout nights at their rooms because you feel like you've conquered something too and you can get the attention of their crowd. Now, where are these rooms, Universal Bar and Grill, what are the other ones? Park Bar. The Park Bar in Burbank, we do that every other week, we call it Thirsty Thursday and then we do the Office Bar in Burbank like the third Tuesday of every month. You also guys have that Indian restaurant too, right? Well, no, the Indian restaurant is done. It's a Cami Caliente is what that was, right? Yeah, but that is supposed to be starting up again. We are actually helping out, we do a room in Santa Monica every like one Monday a month. Yeah, I forget what it is, it's that under. The Urban Cafe. Urban Cafe. An Urban Cafe? Yeah. Yeah. And you always feel like family at the shows too because when, when I started doing or working with you and Eric about two years ago, the first time I did the show and you know, it just felt like family. It did. Because Eric's like, yeah, I can't wait to have you back and you guys are so cool. Like, hey, let's just have some drinks and have some fun. Exactly. I mean, there's no pressure, you know, and that's why when people get stressed out, it's like. The shows sound like a dream. I want in these. Oh, they're so fun. Yeah, definitely. Except for the show with the men. Yeah. That was, that was in my show. No, we got, we. Yeah, the men. It got canceled, right? Well, no, not necessarily. Yeah, well, we were there. Yeah. The comic showed up, I think. Yeah, Eric agreed to take over for this guy like last minute. I found out like two days beforehand and then it was me, Swan and Jason Renabu hanging out in this garage. It's like the place behind the mint. I've done a show there, a little charity, but it's just like a little room with a little stage. Yeah, the guy was like, do you want me to put up like some folding chairs? And I was like, uh, let's just wait. Yeah, because they've got like a couple little couches, but it's funny because you walk into the mint. The first time I ever did a show there like three years ago, I was so excited because I look up mint on Yelp and you see this big stage and this big venue and I walk in and there's a band on stage and I'm like, what time's the comedy show? And they're like, oh no, that's in the back in the other room. In the back. You're by the dumpster. No, it literally was back by the dumpster. If they say in the back, then you know you're in trouble. Oh, it was, it was, yeah, and then, and then Eric, because Eric was filming something that day so he couldn't make it. Right. And then he's like, well, just do the show anyways. And I go, yeah, so we're going to go, it's like, we should just do each other's sets. That's what we should have done, but it's like, I'm like, no, we're just going to, we're going to call this a wash. But you got to check out the regular shows. It's really cool because you can tell by the vibe of the comics that are there, which ones are just like kind of begging for extra stage time and which ones are like family that have been there and done it for a while. Yeah. Some of them will be like, where am I on the list? Where am I on the list? Yeah. Oh my gosh. And they're looking around. I have that with a couple of shows in LA where it's like mainly my friends, you know, like Oh My Ribs on Santa Monica Boulevard. I recommend all of y'all doing that one. It's so supportive. And then Frisky Horse at Brew Dog. Oh, I love Brew Dog. My friend Nina runs that. It's a great vibe, but I know exactly what you're talking about. You just want people to have fun. It's your friend, people you like. You don't want to stress. It's a great spot to work out new material and just, you know, and doing the show for a while. Like just chill out. Don't be bugging and asking about the list and everything. I mean, and I mean, we just, I mean, it is a lot of comics, but we, it's, it's a good time. You know, that's what. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Yeah. But a lot of the comics that we're friends with that do the show, they'll sit there and they'll laugh and they'll support and they'll give you tags afterwards. It's fun. Well, we have. Yeah. We got a couple of challenges. Okay. BJ, you already lost the first one. Yes, I know that. I text you an hour before telling you I was going to lose it. You drank two thirds of the second one or three quarters of the second one. Okay. The second one's actually going to be a toast, not an Irish toast, just a toast. It's German toast and Irish toast. Yeah. If you want to use German, awesome. If you, you don't know Gaelic, so don't worry about that. Okay. Yeah. If you guys want to come with your best toast and then we're going to, between us and also the two, Jenny and Cheyenne. Jenny and Cheyenne. We'll also go, hey, we got some ideas. Who won then? We have a new producer that we have to introduce. Say hello to Cheyenne. Jenny is going. I'm just the board op though. Oh no. Well, Jenny's leaving us. She's going back to school. We actually picked this day because of Jenny. Jenny was our producer. You're making me feel bad. Yeah, purple hair Jenny. Jenny was our producer for Is Radio for Rick Aschetta's show when I was co-hosting and when we decided to do a show again, I was like, I want Jenny. We got to come back and get Jenny and now she's leaving us. She's just as good. I, I guarantee she is. We just miss you. You're family, Jenny. So anyway, we're going to toast to Jenny's goodbye. Yeah. Yeah. So your best beer toast, your best beer toast. Can I swear? Of course. Yeah, of course you can swear. It doesn't have to like rhyme and be crafty and stuff. No. Just the best beer toast you can give. Most epic beer toast. But we're going to flip. Girl gets to call it in the air. Okay. On who's going to go first. Heads. It's heads. So you get to decide. Do you want to go first or BJ? BJ goes first. Okay. Go BJ. All right. Here's to cops and condoms. Two things I don't fuck with. Cheers. Cheers. La jam. Just kidding. Prost. Also, uh, why'd you do your DJ voice? I don't know. That's, I get excited. When I get excited, I do the DJ voice. Does the strip club DJ voice. That's right. All right. Uh, here's to bar shows with friends because those friends might be the only ones who ever laugh at you. Okay. Ooh. There you go. Too dark? Too dark? No. No. I'll just spin on it. Okay. No, you're good. So, so what's, what's your vote, Dave? Well, I usually go with a guy. I'm going to go with BJ. Oh, I'm going with, I'm going with Mary. So what do we got, Jen? Uh, I'm going to go with, all right, Jen. I hate that this happens. Um, I'll go with BJ. Okay. He deserved it. All right. Sorry, I have to also go with BJ. He deserved it. He deserved it, ladies. I get it. Cheers, buddy. Well, it's one and one. It's one and one. I made up for being late. Awesome. Well, it's one and one. Do we have a tiebreaker? Oh, we get to see who puts on sunblock the fastest. Okay. So each of you is going to have one arm. I'm going to put the sunblock, and then we're going to count it off. This is going to see who's the most absorbent. Pretty much. Pretty much. Who's the fastest? Okay. So we're going to, I'm going to put one strip on each of your arms, and then on the count of three, we're going to count it off. Anyone want spray? Instead? No, that's cheating. Yeah, that doesn't work. So cheating. Dave, what happened? Ready? I saw you got excited, and then all of a sudden, sorry, buddy. First person to finish and put their hands up, win. On the count of three. One, two, three, go. It's got to be all the way. It's got to be all the way around here. It's got to be all the way around here. Just make sure it's near the mic, because the sound is just funny when it's coming. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. Gobs. What should we do? What should we do? What should we do? Can I put it on another part? Yeah, can we put it on another arm? Yeah, you can rub it off. Rub it off on other things. Go, go. It might have been bought at a gas station on the way to San Francisco because my arm was burnt from driving. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. Go, go, go. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, oh. It's got to be all the way up. Who's going to win? BJ looks like he's taking a hit. No. Oh, no. She's got that rubbing technique down. White strips. Got to be gone. This may take up the last ten minutes of the show. I don't know when we're going to. I'm good. I mean. Do you got any white? I don't think so. Then raise your hand. He's got a white. I see it on the inner. Let's see. Okay. Yeah, a couple strips, right? Let's see. I think I got it all. She's pretty good. Yep, she's got some white right there. She took it. Where's BJ? BJ won. Good. I'm glad BJ. It's okay. In your defense, I mean, he does use that hand movement for other things. Right. Dudes have that motion down. I'm really good at rubbing lotion on myself. We got a prize. Put some lotion on its skin. Put the lotion in the basket. It was supposed to be a Raggedy Ann doll. Aw. But I couldn't find one, so I got an animal instead. Oh, cute. He's a redhead. He's a redhead. Yes. Awesome. Wow. BJ, you get an animal puppet. Thank you. I appreciate that. BJ, you're sweating. You got to work out from that. No, it's just hot in here. Yeah, it's hot in here. I like the smell of something. Gingers. Yeah, we got to show the animal. Gingers do not handle heat well. Animal. Animal. That's so sweet. I'm going to use that on the tour now when I go by Jim Henson Studios. I'm going to have him explain why you need a tip. Oh, do you do TMZ tours? What? Do you do topless bus tours? No, I do. I like to say that because people react that way. I do the Rasta bus. Mary Patterson, is this one of the things you've thought about? You do the Rasta bus? I've heard about that. God, I wish I was still doing that in my drinking days. I would have totally done that. He sends me, I send him a text every time I see him drive by the bar. I'm like, so are you tour guiding today? Yeah, no, he's like, was that you in the bus? How does that work with like open container? Is it just sort of a... Well, we do private charters, but we didn't, now it's kind of, we just do like a day in LA thing. So it's like... Not everybody's drinking. Did you... I went on... What? Did you take that last... Did you take him to all the stops today? Yeah, I did actually. You had to work... Oh, yesterday was your hangover day. Yeah. I told him I was going to cut out a stop today, just trying to get here on time, but I... Tell him what stops you were thinking about cutting out. I was going to cut out Rodeo Drive. Oh! We're both Leos. Every comedian is a freaking Leo. I was all about attention. Are you sad? Capricorn. I dare you to announce... One of the comedy shows with Animal on your hand. Oh, I can do that. That'd be fun. You want to do Big Fish on Tuesday night with it? Yeah. You got to do your whole set with Animal. I'm going to work out a routine with the puppet now, Dave, just for Big Fish. How's that sound? It's an impressive puppet. He spent some money on that. It's going to be the new Jeff Dunham. He's going to be like... The drunk Dunham? All right, so we all... Not funny. Not funny. Everything you say is just... Shut the fuck up. No, this thing's kind of cool. I like that puppet. It'll be like my puppet that just puts me down all the time. We'll see. Tom West can play guitar at the shows, and Animal can drum. There we go. And then Eric can sing. I don't know about that. He's not Antonio Banderas. Are you sure? Do you remember on Saturday Night Live, Chris Kattan used to do the best impersonation of Antonio Banderas? I remember that. You remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would have his two minions. In the background is little, like, Maraca people, and he would be like, Hello, I am Antonio Banderas, and this is the show. Yes, I do remember that. And he'd start unbuttoning his shirt, and his guys in the back would be like, No, it's too sexy. Yes. Too sexy. No. I didn't know he was supposed to be Antonio Banderas on that. And then he'd start unbuttoning it, and he'd be like, No, it's too sexy. And he'd go, but I must. Yes. I think it's funny that Antonio Banderas is in the Expendables movies now. Is it really? I want to see the new one so badly. What's the deal with the Expendables? Are they superheroes? Every action star that you've ever seen in a movie. Yeah, any washed-up action star from the 80s. Minus Bruce Willis. They have a chick in it now, too. Yeah, right around. But is that, like, the premise of the movie, or do they all just happen to be in there? No, that's the premise of the movie, is just to have, like, it's a bunch of old guys getting back together. And, like, Arnold Schwarzenegger will just come in and, like, smoke a cigar. Oh, Stallone's in it. Okay, that's right. Yeah, Stallone and Statham are pretty much, like, the main characters, and then everybody else has, like, little camis. Is Chuck Norris in it? And Jet Li. Is Chuck Norris in it? Chuck Norris was in the second one, I think. Yeah, he is in the second one. And I think he was in the first one. What about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Yes, he is. Steven Seagal? No. What? You can't have an action movie without Steven Seagal. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, you can. No, you can't. Under Siege? Give me a break. I haven't seen that one. Aw. Jet Li's in it. Yeah. Jason Statham. Jackie Chan. Harrison Ford and Mel Gibson are in this one. No way. I'm going up Friday. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. So, in other words, we're doing a stop animation movie with Expendables? Yeah, every person has, like, got to be over 50 in that movie now. No, there's a couple of the younger ones that they were apparently making fun of the whole time. Oh, Wesley Snipes is in it? What? He's out of jail. What about Robert De Niro? No, Robert De Niro's not in it. But he already did a movie with Stallone. Remember that Grudge Match movie? Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. All I remember is Indiana Jones, like, the last one that Harrison Ford did where everything looked like a movie. It looked like it was in slow motion when he's, like, on ropes and stuff. That one doesn't exist. Apparently, he, like, because he's in the new Star Wars movie. Did you hear he hurt himself on the set? Yeah, he, like, hurt his ankle. So, he was, like, like, he was there shooting anything. Harrison Ford did? Yeah. He refuses to have stunt doubles. Yeah. He won't. Like a man. And he's, like, he's, like, 70. Yeah. He will not have a stunt double. That's why in that last Indiana Jones movie, everything looks so slow-mo, him trying to jump back and forth to things. Oh, my God. I liked his scenes in that movie. I thought the crystal skull was horrible. Sorry. It was, no. It was a god-awful movie. When was the most recent Indiana Jones? The crystal skull. It was years ago. When was that, though? Years and years ago? Five years ago? Six years ago? It was that recent? Yeah. I was in college. I was just finishing my fifth year. Well, because who's the kid from Transformers? Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf. Was supposed to be the new Indiana Jones in that movie. And it was bad. And they tried to do it behind Harrison Ford's back. They started doing the casting. And when he heard about it, he threatened to sue if they didn't allow him to play himself in that movie. He's got this really juicy tidbit. Yeah. I didn't know that. He's very interesting. He was going to be just the dad. And Shia LaBeouf was going to be taking over the legacy of Indiana Jones. He was bad in that movie. Yeah. Harrison Ford was? No. Shia LaBeouf. All of them were. All of them were. But hey, you guys. We got to write this down. You. Homeo and Juliet. Yeah. Mondays and Tuesdays. iTunes. Stitcher. Yep. Yep. And then one other. Just MaryPattersonBroom.com. Why don't we let her go through it? UpperMiddleClassAnx.com. Oh, no. I meant there was one other thing it was on, I thought. No. Yeah. Yeah. He's all good. You all good. Do you have any shows coming up that you want to talk about? Oh, nothing exciting. Not really. You got white stuff on your dress. Nothing exciting? I mean, I'll be at Frisky Horse tomorrow. I'll be at Ye Olde King's Head on Tuesday. Oh, that's cool. And then I'm doing some. Ye Olde King's Head. Ye Olde King's Head. What is that? Ye Olde King's Head. It's on Second and Santa Monica. It's comedy west of the 405. There's all these shows on the west side that I, like Eric and I. Yeah, the west side's like a whole new world. We're all on the west side and we still don't know about these shows. Like, we go to these random shows out there and we're like, we don't know anybody here. Every time you think you've seen everybody, right? Yeah, I know. Like, I've never met you, I don't think. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Have we met? Am I being that dick that like we've met? I don't know. I mean, a lot of people do. BJ drinks a lot. I'm usually drunk. Like, I'm over that, though. Like, when people are like, I don't remember you. I'm like, that's fine. I don't, you can't remember everyone you meet in a big city. I'm pretty sure we've done shows together. I'm pretty sure we've met more, too, but it's like, not a big deal. I don't remember every detail about you. I had a guy be like, I introduced myself to him a few weeks ago and he's like, yeah, we've met three times. I booked you on a show. And I was like, uh. Yeah, they get upset. Oh, I'm so sorry. I never get upset. I'm just like. Yeah. I met someone and I said that. They're like, oh, yeah, we met a couple times. You probably meet a shit ton of people. And she got offended that I said that. Oh, you meet a ton of people. I understand why you don't recognize. I remember. Because you said the S word? Yeah. Well, I went to go watch the Comedy Store roast last night and about three different people came up to me and they're like, yeah, we're friends on Twitter. I favorited and retweeted your stuff. You favorited mine. I'm like, you look this big, okay, on my phone. You know, I do it all on my phone. I actually don't ever look at this on a computer. Right. I don't pull up the profile picture and zoom it in. That's really funny. They had the balls to be like, you retweeted me once. Yeah. Like, hanging on to something. Yeah. That is not something you think you would ever hear. No. I'm like, go all the way down to that side and wait till you're this big and let me see if I recognize you. Yeah. And then you just start walking away as soon as they leave. BJ, what do you have coming up, bud? We got Thirsty Thursday. This Thursday, Park Bar in Burbank. Come on down, man. Let's go. You want to think about it for a second? This Thursday? Yes. This Thursday. Come on down. We'll put you up. It's a fun show. Every Thursday. It's every Thursday? It's every other Thursday. Every other Thursday. Every other Thursday. How about just like on Monday, you'll see Eric post something. Yeah. Thirsty Thursday. Yeah. That's how I knew today. Actually, he posted something. No. Yeah. We pretty much do it every other Thursday there. All right. Cool. And then you have, when's the next UBG guy? That would be the 16th of September. Oh, Jesus. That's a while. Yeah. We only do that room once a month. Okay. Because they got Talmo too and then they've got- Well, they got Talmo and they also got the Turbo Tuesdays and they got- Yeah, they have a ton. That's why I don't give people that do weekly shows. It's way too much. And how are you ever supposed to perform on that night? Take notes, Juan. I do it every other week. Yeah. No, that's good. See, every other week is doable. No. No. And for our show, eventually when we find a venue, we can't do it every week. Oh, I know that part. I'm already annoyed by booking Big Fish every other week because it's like, ah, yeah, I'll do it. And then people just don't show up. That's like the scariest room to everybody. It's terrifying. I love that room. Big Fish is terrifying. I love it. It's fun. I love that the background looks like something out of like the Back to the Future prom dance thing. The day that no one showed up was the day that he ended up putting up like a bunch of danger cones around. No one showed up for the show? None of the comics. He showed up about 20 minutes late and I was just like, I already called the show. Man. But you got Billy. He's been gone. That guy's still there. Oh. It's his address legally. What? It is? The drunk at Big Fish Comedy Show's bar, his address is actually the bar. He grows pickled peppers around the place. And that qualifies for mail to be dropped off. Yes. Is this Billy of the Billy Dilly fame? Yes. Okay. One and the same. Oh, yeah. Making sure we weren't talking about a different drunk ass Billy. Well, there's several of them. I know something in Cleveland. I have an uncle Billy. Is he a drunk ass? Yeah. My uncle Mike is. Well, he used to be. Everybody's got a token drunk uncle. I've been doing a joke about that. Yeah. Mine's Uncle Mike. He's also my godfather. So I knew my parents were going to be around. Yeah. My godfather is a drunk uncle too. If you have to start their name with uncle, then you already know. It's done. It's in the bag. You're drunk. You know what, Davey? You need to do. Uncle Dave. Uncle BJ. Uncle Dave. What's up? I'm actually Drunkle Dave. Drunkle. Oh my gosh. Where are you at, Dave? This week. I am not doing anything this week, but next week I'm doing Big Fish on Tuesday. Anyone who wants to come down. BJ, I think, might be there with Manimal. Yes. And then Wednesday I'm doing Tom West. I'm hosting Tom's show next Wednesday. Oh, that's right. At the Bowling Alley. Yes. Eagle Rock. Oh, I'm on that show too. All-star. I forgot about that. Don't you like host everyone that? No. I just hosted two out of the three because he needed me to. And then I switched places. I was with you and they thought you and I were the same person. That was hilarious. Yeah, we did that. He put my hat on and I bowled while he ended up at dinner. That's hilarious. I love bowling shows. I just love bowling in general. Nikki, you? I'm going to be doing a lot of laundry this week because I'm serious. I walked out of my apartment wearing a mini skirt and a tank top. You look cute. I thought I looked cute until my neighbors were like, oh, laundry week, huh? And I was like, yeah, yes. Wow. I just have to do laundry because I have no boxers left. No, they just know if they. This is my last pair. They just know. They see me in a spaghetti strap and mini skirt, then it's last resort. Right. Yeah. That sounds about right. No, I have some shows coming up next week. I'm actually featuring for Moratory for a couple of shows. Yeah, that was really random. Good for you. Good for you. Yeah. I love that guy. He's like, I'm going to choke you out. I'm going to just choke you and take you and just, ugh, Mike. You're like my dirty niece. I just love you. You're like one of my fucking kids. You're just. It's like you're white. Why are you white? Yeah, you're still white, Mary. You're so white. You see? You see what the problem is with you, Swan? You see what the problem is? You're too nice to these chicks. You don't need to talk to these girls. You talk too much to these chicks. You got to just take them. You got to take them. If you want a swine, you just got to take them. That's right. He's very rapey. I think I remember him. I think he was. Yeah, I was talking to you in the back of Open Mic one night. Yeah. And you was doing that. I don't know what's worse. Is my comedy just a good pairing with Dirty Uncle Mike Moratory? Oh, my God. With the rapist? Good for you. Oh, his roast was funny on Monday. Oh, I love Mike. No, that was just kind of funny because I had a dude hit me up on Facebook. Like, two different guys hit me up and they were like, yeah, you've been requested by Mike Moratory to feature for him. I was like, oh, that's really sweet, but this is creepy, but sweet. He could have asked me the other day. I'm like, he could have told me it was coming, but now I don't know. Are you just trying to get me in one location at one time? Right. But that's all I've got going on. All right. Fair enough. Well, anyways, that was another fun-filled, exciting edition of Battle of the Sexes, Battle of the Gingers. Congratulations, BJ. Thank you, BJ. Congrats, BJ. Thank you for having me. And congratulations to Mary. She was on time. You put up a good fight. I liked your toast. Even though she tried to cheat with her. She did not cheat. How did I try to cheat? You weren't done putting on your sunscreen. I wasn't. I got overexcited. I feel very creepy saying that sentence. Anyways, I'm Dave Swan. Nikki. Hi. Bye. We'll be back next Thursday, Wednesday. And we'll hopefully see you all at Thirsty Thursdays at the Park Bar. Thanks for having me. Thank you, guys. Toodles. Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Subtitles by Foster Fan Subtitles by Foster Fan