Steve Hofstetter interview, NFL draft snake game

take it off take it in take off all the thoughts of what we've been take a look hesitate take a picture you could never recreate there we go come on feldstein i was seeing if oh yeah there we are feldstein's got a miller light and a 7-eleven slice of pepperoni pizza just the cheapest looking slice of pizza i've ever seen yeah breakfast of uh of losers right there in this economy that's right uh glad to be here welcome to sarcastic news live my name is justin cross and i'm coming at you live from the skid row studios right here in the heart of la's scratch off lottery ticket district uh tonight we've got a great show for you our guest uh he's comedian he's a writer you guys he's been on the show before uh written for uh sports illustrated um like millions of downloads um on his on in on itunes uh got his own podcast uh everything steve hofstetter's our guest tonight steve hofstetter will be with us not in studio but in spirit he will be calling in or we'll be calling him uh in just a little while that's how these things go guys uh with us though live in studio the sarcastic news live crack squad uh the man over here with the miller light like i said the 7-eleven pizza eric feldstein eric feldstein everybody thank you one person thanks to me um master of his own domain jake the snake cranny just thrilled to be here justin thank you so much nothing right so much let's see if we can get you oh lord these are wolves howling it's like a baby sloth dying there that was depressing yeah that wasn't much of a hold on let's see if we can get a okay there we go it's a german shepherd fair enough it's a shout out to my animal me to one who apparently is is is not she's getting a little sick right now oh me that i'd take her in the bed and uh in the back uh she's i don't know is she mixing her own music tonight oh it's gonna be great we've got a concoction worked up for her i'm gonna have to go to the bathroom i'm gonna have to go to the bathroom i'm gonna have to go to the bathroom i'm gonna have to go to the bathroom i'm gonna have to go to the bathroom jenny guzman's in the back everybody jenny guzman working the turning the tables she's clapping herself out over there as always though we begin tonight with the sarcastic news rundown our top story the national climate assessment mandated by congress and published every four years to guide policy policymakers it's like the olympics folks offered sobering details of climate change's immediate effect showing that every region in every state in the united states has already been affected now i'm not taking this report that seriously seeing as right now i mean i'm wearing three layers right now okay and my nipples are still erect okay there's no such thing as global warming i think we can all agree and it's not because i've been rubbing them for the past 10 minutes okay guys i'm wearing three layers it's it's it's actually it's not because i've been rubbing them for 10 minutes because jake the snake crane has been blowing on them for the past eight so it's a little nipply in here it's true uh one of the lead authors of the report and a climate scientist at columbia university his name is bradley horton said quote the overall message is that climate change is happening right now and we can't think or we can't think of this as an issue for future generations just to that i say to mr horton have you ever played candy crush because that game is way more addictive than my interest in making sure my kids and i live in a world where we don't have to worry about protecting ourselves from extreme weather all right i like to crush some fucking candies all right mr horton we want to emphasize to the public this is not some distant problem down the road this is a problem that is affecting americans right now whether it means increased flooding greater vulnerability to drought more severe wildfires that's what president obama said in the rose garden the other day with an interview with weatherman al roker uh for nbc's today's show we all know al he's a one of a number of local national tv weather forecasters invited to the reporters uh to this now obama added by the way al you look great seriously i heard you got the lap band and i was skeptical but i was wrong you look amazing that's a direct quote from obama surveys now show that the most america most americans get this trust their television weather guides as reliable sources on climate change which boggles a mind when you consider the fact that weather guides consist of hot women uh who couldn't make it to the weather guides and they're not going to make it to the weather guides and they're not going to make it to the weather guides and they're not going to make it to the weather guides as sideline reporters for espn tenured leathery old men with names like dallas and chris farley and the chris farley of weather uh people my man jim fucking cantori uh i wish i actually had a note here to put a clip of jim cantori but i i didn't include that we can imagine it you can imagine that in an attempt to halt the escalating violence in southeastern ukraine russian president vladimir putin who can be seen regularly on tuesday and thursday nights at the local moscow announced that he will be pulling back troops from the border regarding the move putin said quote we were told we were told constantly about concerns over uh over our troops near the ukrainian border that's why we've decided just like our former leader vladimir lenin said to give peace a chance when told by a russian reporter that was john lenin and not vladimir lenin who said it the former leader of the russian soviet federal social republic uh putin had the man shot and for no apparent reason jailed the pussy cat dolls yet again tuesday and thursday nights guys you can catch him down at the moscow moscow shippendales uh as we uh as we kind of alluded to earlier we got a comedian who knows a lot about sports i don't know about how much he knows about the nfl draft but we're going to talk to him about it uh but as you sports fans probably know out there tomorrow is the nfl draft for many nfl fans the wait has gone on for just too long as many of these people have shown to be way too productive spending time with their families and having a general awareness of current events for jaguars browns and raiders fans this is essentially the super bowl as they hope to have a first round draft pick that pans out to be the next andrew luck but will most likely pan out to be the next to marcus russell for our for the patriots fans out there this is yet another chance to over overly to to be overly obnoxious about one of your sports teams while possibly catching a glimpse of bill belichick not wearing a cutoff hoodie uh and for jets fans please just try not to kill anybody when your team makes that unprecedented move uh but somewhat predictable mistake of announcing that the first round pick from last year gino smith is who they will be picking this year as well we're going to redraft him you're going to redraft him uh folks we got a great show for you tonight our guests comedian steve hofstetter will be calling in uh we got a great show for you jake the snake cranny eric feldstein he just finished his 7-11 pizza uh my name is justin cross we got a great show for you we'll be right back with you next after this break with glory never made it as a wise man i couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing tired of living like a blind man i'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling and this is how you remind me this is how you remind me of what i really am this is how you remind me of what i really am it's not like you to say sorry i was waiting on a different story this time i'm mistaken for handing you a hardwood drinking and i've been wrong i've been down been to the bottom of every bottle these five words in my head scream while we haven't fun yet yeah yeah yeah! yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm kidding. Nickelback. They don't listen. That's okay. They're one of our sponsors, though. Are they? Are they one of our new sponsors? I think we're getting merchandise from them. That's a sign we're going downhill. They got paid, man. They got paid. They did get paid. That's what it's all about in this business, getting paid. We have an episode or a segment. I think we can all agree it's sweeping the nation. It's without a doubt sweeping the nation. Here's why it's sweeping the nation. Because people, when they hear this segment, are like, you know what? I'd rather use a broom and go clean my house right now. Because. That's right. It's a nice little walk in the park. Stroll. Leaves are falling down. Maybe a little rainbow in the background. It's Jenny Guzman in the back working. Jenny was actually playing that ukulele. That was live. It's very impressive. Yeah. You guys like my new skills? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, well, I, by the way, I thought you weren't going to be here tonight. I heard you weren't going to be here. Next week. Oh, next week. I'm going to a show. I want to go see White Arrows. Really? In Riverside. Oh. And I get in for free, so. Well, you should if you have to go to Riverside for something. That's funny. That's a theme song to what's happening in your neighborhood. It's a segment. It's a segment sweeping the country like we just mentioned. And to start us off tonight, Eric Feldstein has a story out of, I'm guessing, Arkansas. Actually, this one is nationwide, as most of my stories are. All right. This is a nice example of our hard-earned money, tax dollars at work. Here's the headline. EPA employee confessed to watching hours of porn at work for years. Really? Yeah. Deputy Administrator Bob Parchiassepi testifying before the House. I'm sure that's how you pronounce it. I winged that last name. Basically, a guy came to kind of see if waste was being spent at his place. Spended and basically they realized this employee was on average spending between two to six hours a day watching porn at work. Wow. How do you spend six hours, Justin, watching porn? Yeah, it's unbelievable. Well, it depends where you work, but sometimes it's discreet. Other times... Here's what I don't understand. How do you watch that much porn? First of all, of course, this isn't going to bolster any sort of... Oh, he works for the government, so he's not, you know. But how do you not, like, would he just go to the restroom and just jack off? Like, what do you do, you know? Is he just observing it for the art of it? Like, what? He's watching for the plot lines. He's really focused on the stories. He's watching the full-length movies. Yeah. Like, I don't blame him if he's paying for it. You know, if he, like, actually registered, if he actually signed up for, what's the one, like, like, I always get those pop-up ads. You wouldn't. Yeah. I mean, I just love that. There's always those pop-up ads, though, that are like, like, want to fuck tonight? Yeah. And you're always like, yeah, I do. Your wife will never find out. Yeah. Those are the best. It's like they really speak to me. Of course they would. No, but I guess this leads me to my question, and for all you listeners out there, have you ever watched porn while at work on the clock? I just got a hand from Jenny. Oh, wow. Well, Jenny's got something to say, Jenny. I'd like to take this one. Let's see what you have. No, I mean, when Ginger, you know, that's like. Okay. So that's part of the job. It's an IRL. Part of my job. And then I'd research the girls to see if they were actually popular. Research. Mm-hmm. That's good. In quotation marks. Is there no morality left in this world? Wow, that's good. Wow. That was great. You get real intense with those sound clips. Right, guys. Wait till you do something good. Oh, man. I've got clapping in 12 different forms. I got a whole board just on clapping. Different types of claps. There's Jerry Springer. There's Maury Povich. There's Montel Williams. There's Rolanda. Okay. I have a lot of time on my hands. Can we do them all? At the same time? They all sound like this, actually, all those shows. Kill him. Like pitchforks in that one. Seriously. Fiery. Frankenstein. So you have. So you watch. Have you watched. You've watched porn while gender's working. I mean, I think. I don't. Like, people get naked. We would get naked here. And. Yeah. I mean, there was. I apologize for that already. You don't have to bring that up on air. Yeah. It ain't no thing, Snake. It ain't no thing like a chicken wing. Okay. I've never. But I haven't like, let me go on because I'm horny and I want to watch porn right now. Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you still watch porn? Do you go off to the restroom and. Yeah. That's why I take like bathroom breaks. You guys will see me here and then I'll like leave for a few. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh my God. And then come back. Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's hard to deny the masculinity in the rat cage right now. I don't blame you. Yeah. We. I mean, we present ourselves like real, real athletes here. Yeah. I got this hoodie out of my trunk. So. Yeah. I can smell it. From here. Yeah. Sorry. I, I've never done it. I never watched. Well, never done it. I wish I had a fun story for you, but I, I've never done that. Yeah. So I win this round. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jay wins. Well, the thing is, I knew, I knew Snake over here was going to win. No, no. Just. Doing the taxes. Doing the taxes. Every once in a while, I'll sneak away and go on my Wells Fargo account. I'll get a little while when the boss isn't looking. Check the 401k. I remember during the NCAA tournament one time, I checked on the score. Oh my gosh. Wow. On company internet. Only the news ticker though. Only the bottom line. Yeah. I never have. Have you felt something? Have you looked at porn? No. No. Like today or? No. No, I haven't. Really? Oh, wow. I was going to say I've done, I've, I've jacked off at work, but not watched porn. Oh, well that's okay then. Yeah. That's, that's, that's normal. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. It was just a weird day. It was a weird day that day. I get it. You know, if you drive around a van for a living, you know. Yeah. You don't always get customers. Sometimes you got to take matters into your own hands. What do you got for us, Snake? What's happening in your neighborhood? Well, again, mine is also a nationwide story. As you mentioned up top there, the NFL draft is, is really sweeping the nation. I mean, it's, it's been talked about for weeks on end, it seems. Yeah. McShay and Kuyper, the draft experts, are on their 12th combined version of a mock draft at this point. 12. Yeah. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and my, I just had kind of a broad question for you guys. I'm ready. And you can take a minute to think about it. We won't. Just take. Everything's a snap gut reaction over here. Snap gut reaction. Yeah. If you could, if you had to live in one of the 32 NFL cities. Yeah. Where would you live and why? I mean, you've got New York, DC, Phoenix, San Diego. You said one of the 32 NFL cities. Any, any city in NFL, where would you live and why? Detroit, obviously. Is this a football question or is this more of a. This is just for you guys. I mean, it kind of is loosely. It's like a general life question. It's loosely. Yeah, exactly. It's loosely tied to the NFL. I like it. Stay prepared hard for this. I like it. The quality of the NFL. This was me yesterday or last week. The quality of the NFL team can factor into your decision as well. I mean, nobody's going to Cleveland, obviously. Let's just do it purely for sports, if you're a hardcore sports fan. Okay. So, yeah. So, you've got, you've got some contenders there. I mean, maybe Pittsburgh. Okay. We do have a call that wasn't screened. That looks like it's being piped through in a second. Yeah, she's screening right now. She's piping it through. While we wait for a second, I'll say. Jacksonville. Well, I'll say. Seattle. I'll say. Ooh. Seattle's pretty good, actually, these days. San Francisco. I'll have to go San Francisco Bay Area. San Francisco's a good sports town. It's underrated, but it's a very good sports town. Jerry Rice. Yeah. Yeah. Jerry Rice. It's a solid 90s reference. Yes. What would you go with? What? What city would you go with? Purely for sports. West Philadelphia. Born and raised. On the playground. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's a good sports town. There it is. Yeah. Go back home. And it's great, because you can just be as mean as you want to your players, and it's cool. And they're right back at you. I would say Boston's a great sports town, of course, but. I don't know about that. Yeah. I'd say it's a passionate sports town. I don't know about great. You'd have to. All those fans are super annoying. Yeah, super confident. Just a gold chain that said, Nick. Hey, by the way. Hey, Boston's strong, okay? Boston's strong. Forever. You know what? I want to know. I want to know who our guest is, our calling guest right now, Joe. I want to know what sports town he would like to live in, purely based on the sport. Joe, that's your cue to talk. Joe, I didn't even know I was on. No one gave me a cue beforehand. That's how we do it here. I was busy. I was actually busy watching porn. Yeah. Are you at work right now? I am at work. Yeah. I'm definitely in the middle of dinner service at Olive, and I'm just watching porn. Dinner service? Well, he works at the Olive Garden, so it's totally acceptable. Is there a breadstick shortage, Joe? Yeah, it's totally acceptable to do that. Of course, yes. Well, I mean, like, I am from New York, but I'm going to have to say, like, Cleveland. It's just like, they've got dedicated sports fans there. Wow. And there's a river right next to it. So, like, I can just throw myself in. Joe, let me give you the number for the suicide hotline here. Thank you. That is an awful answer. That's what I'm going for. It's depressing times. Eli Manning's having ankle surgery. I don't know what's going on in the NFL these days. Give us the top three draft picks for tomorrow, Joe. Joe's a sports guy, so give us your top three draft picks for tomorrow's NFL draft. Well, we've got to go with probably Air Bud, the golden retriever. For the Houston Texans, for sure. That's what's going to happen. Solid skill set. High motor. He's got a solid skill set. And then I'm going with Joe Falco, actually. Shane Falco from the replacements, the quarterback. And Cleveland is going to trade up and get the number two pick and take them. Okay. For sure. And then number three is probably going to be Johnny Manziel. Oh. I thought you were going to go Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf would have been a much better idea. Right out of prison. Ryan Leaf. It's tough. I didn't think he was going to be able to get out of prison in time. So that's why I had him off of my draft board. Yeah. No, actually, they're going to trade. Cleveland's going to move up. They're going to get that third pick. And then they're going to trade Johnny Manziel, which is a straight-up trade for Ryan Leaf. That'll go down as easily the best trade in NFL history. Well, Manziel. Everyone knows Manziel is probably going to wind up. He's going to end up in jail anyway. He's a good mentor at this point. All right. So you've done a lot of background work, I can tell. Definitely. But in all honesty, it's going to be Jadavian Clowney, number one. Sammy Watkins, number two. The wide receiver out of Clemson. And then Khalil Mack. All right. I can put... All right. Listen for those names. And then when I'm back in studio on Wednesday, I'll buy you a... I'll buy you dinner. If you get those top three right. I'll buy him dinner. I'm going to ask him. I'm going to hold you to that, Justin. Well, by dinner, he means a slice of pizza from 7-Eleven. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Two for two. I'll take him to a little spot he knows. The Olive Garden. I'll take him back to where he works. Thank God. Because I'm about to get fired for jerking off in the middle of dinner. I've seen waiting. I know how it goes. Well, thank you, Justin. Well, Joe, thanks. I know... I heard you're shopping for a car right now. Is that correct? I am. It's a big purchase. I got a lot of things to research, a lot of notes to make. I think you would look good in a Fiat. My dad's basically just telling me everything to do. Yeah. Yeah. Joe, go with the Fiat. Go with the Fiat, Joe. Two words, Joe. Toyota Tercel. Oh, yeah. Don't go wrong. I don't even know how to say that last word, so I'm going to have a problem on the lot tomorrow. I used to have a car called a Mercury Mystique. I called it the Mercury Mystique. It was very... That's funny, because I had a Ford Explorer before I came out here, and I called it the Ford Exploder. Yeah. It just exploded. Because it literally exploded. It just literally exploded right in the middle of the highway. It was terrible. Well, Joe, thanks a lot for calling in. We want to see you back in studio next week. And if you get those top three draft picks right, I will treat you to an Olive Garden tour of Italy. Well, we might as well go out tonight, because it's happening. Thanks a lot. I'm never going to go out with you unless I don't have to. Bye. Thanks, Joe. Thanks a lot, Joe. All right, guys. Thanks a lot. Later. Bye, Joe. That's our local sports guy, Joe, calling in. It's real hard. Hey, actually, I like those top three picks. I actually think that Detroit will probably trade up, or somebody will trade up to get that number two spot. Potentially could trade up. I don't see if the Rams stay put. I don't think they're taking Swatkins. Yeah. Like I said, this just digresses into a sports show. When you don't do your research during the week, sports talk radio. News. That's what it turns into. Jenny Gomez, do you like sports? I'm sorry, what? Never mind. We've got a great show. We actually got coming up next, we've got Steve Hofstetter calling in. Comedian Steve Hofstetter. We can talk to him a little bit about politics, ask him a little bit about what's happening in the Ukraine, talking to him about Vladimir Putin pulling out his troops in Russia on the border over there. I got excited when you said pulling out, and then you went with troops. Well, you also got excited when I said... I said Putin too. That guy gets you going. On a horseback shirtless? I mean, how can you say no to that? We're going to talk to him about what's happening. Get his take on really the happier things in life, like what happened in Nigeria the other day. We're going to talk to him about NFL draft, NBA playoffs. What else? Whatever you guys want to talk to him about. I want to figure out where he's doing comedy these days. I saw him do a new... Actually, I saw him tape his new live show. Hopefully, it's going to be on TV pretty soon here. I saw that about, I don't know, a couple of months ago. Really funny. Really funny. He actually got heckled at the end of the show. The very end of the show, I think the taping was even over with. He was taking questions, and some lady didn't appreciate something he said. He did pretty well on her. He did. He put her in her place, but politely. Stabbed her to death. We're going to talk... Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's a good way to end a special. He's dead. He's dead. Anyway, we got Steve coming up in just a few moments. So stick with us right here on Sarcastic News Live. We'll be right back. Come on, shake your body, baby. Do the conga. No, you can't control yourself any longer. Come on, shake your body, baby. Do the conga. No, you can't control yourself any longer. Come on, shake your body, baby. Do the conga. No, you can't control yourself any longer. Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger. Don't you fight it till you try to do the conga beat. Come on, shake your body, baby. Do the conga. Everybody gather round now. Let your body feel the heat. Don't you worry if you can't dance. Let your body feel the heat. Everybody gather round now. Let your body feel the heat. Everybody gather round now. Let the music move your feet The rhythm of the island And that sugar cane so sweet If you want to do the Fonga You've got to listen to the beat Come on, shake your body baby, do the Fonga No, you can't control yourself, it's getting longer The rhythm of the music getting stronger Don't you fight it till you try to do the Fonga beat Feel the fire of desire As you dance night away Cause tonight we're gonna party Till we see Frank O'Bey Better get yourself a drink Can I just say, if you don't dance to that song, then there might be actually something chemical imbalance in your brain. If you dance with this? If you don't dance to that song. I mean, that's Gloria. You're saying there's something wrong with you if you don't. Yes, yes, something is off. If you're watching the show right now, too, you probably just saw three dudes. Like, you saw Eric taking pictures, and then I'm like Googling, you know, and Jake's just sitting there just bobbing his head very casually. It didn't seem like a real Gloria stuff on party, is what I'm saying. It wasn't the same thing. That's true. Our next guest, he's a comedian, he's an author, he's a columnist, he's got his own podcast called Sarah and Steve Hate People. His new album, Dark Side of the Room, is out now. You can download it for free on iTunes. Our guest, Steve Hofstetter. Steve, you there? I am, but I gotta update my bio. Well, I'm just going off the website right now. I'm going off the website, and, uh... I gotta fix that. No, just Dark Side is an old one. So, I gotta fix that. I saw the new one. First of all, let me ask you, have you ever been brought out on stage to Gloria stuff on? It's great intro music. This is actually, I was very happy to use that music, because it's in my contract that I always have to be brought up to that song. You know, it fits the mood perfectly. Biting social commentary. And some Miami heat. So where are you right now? Are you in LA? Are you out on the road somewhere? I'm home right now. This weekend, I'm going to Birmingham, Alabama for some shows. I'm doing a military base and then a night at the Stardome. Oh, the Stardome. And then I'm going to New York for the Laughing Devil Festival. So I'm gonna travel a whole bunch. So right now, at least I get to enjoy home for a little bit. Definitely. How many weeks? I mean, it is one... Now, this is in the bio, and this is something that I've known a lot about you. You are the hardest working man in comedy. You're always doing something, whether it's, you know, podcasts or, you know, writing or on the road doing stand-up. How often do you get to actually be at home? Well, I, you know, I've changed my schedule a bit since I moved out to LA, because I came out here for writing specifically. So I'm on the road about 30 weekends a year now. It used to be a lot more than that. You know, I'm still performing most nights, but a lot of times just, you know, in the LA area or, you know, San Diego, Santa Barbara, you know, somewhere where I can perform and then sleep in my own bed. So I'm not, it's not as crazy as it used to be, but I used to be, you know, 40 plus weeks on the year. There was some, there was one time where I was on the road for two and a half straight months. So it's just kind of a perpetual tour. Wow. Does that ever... Yeah, and every single time, I was brought up to Gloria Estefan. No kidding. Is it one of those things where you always got to keep moving? Like, are you one of those people you got to keep moving? You got to keep, I mean, do you like the travel or does it suck and you just would rather just not have to do it? Or is it kind of love-hate? What is it? Well, travel's gotten worse. Part of it is because it's lost the newness and the excitement. And part of it is because the actual aspects of travel have gotten worse. Like when I first started flying, there were hardly any airport delays, you know? And nine times out of 10, you'd have your own row on the plane. And, you know, gas costs $1.40 a gallon. There were like all these things that like just a little over 10 years ago, the travel was kind of awesome. And now it's basically like, well, if you want to play this gig, you're going to have to spend $8,000 to get there. So hope you're making a lot of the gig. Yeah. And TSA too on top of all that. Yeah, you got to deal with it. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. You know, when I first started traveling, I never really got the joy of having a finger up my butt. It's acquired taste. Well, if it was anyone, it was my own. How do you, well, I want to ask you about this because one thing I like about you, different from a lot of comedians, you follow politics, you follow sports, you're very in tune with what's going on in the world and all around the world. What do you kind of gravitate? And also you are, you got to focus on what you're doing with comedy, but how often, what do you check in more with? Like politics and what's happening in the Ukraine or is it more like your sports side and following draft, following the playoff? Pornography. Pornography. What floats your boat? Oh, I definitely follow the world of pornography very closely. You know, I just really want those women to earn the money for college that they're trying to raise. I, you know, I think that it's a little of everything. I go to, you know, I read the news a great deal, but like I just had this moment yesterday. I was just driving home and I was thinking about this, you know, I was driving home and I was thinking about this, you know, the crisis in Ukraine, probably because someone cut me off. It's a natural. Yeah. Well, there was a moment that I realized, wait a minute, I'm Ukrainian. And I never even thought about it before just because it's not something I identify with, you know, four generations ago. And it's a town that, you know, kind of on the border of Poland and Ukraine, so it could be argued that it was either. It was this moment that I was like, wow, for someone who thinks they're fairly well informed, I forgot that, you know, I'm not a Ukrainian. I forgot that this is about me. So it was a very odd moment. I am a big sports fan. But, you know, I just, I'm not able to get into it as much as I used to. I have an alert on my phone that sends me, every time the Mets game ends, it sends me the score. So I call it my daily disappointment. It's very, they were actually doing well for a while. A lot of sixes seven, really upsetting. But yeah, that way I can, you know, I can still know the overall picture of what happened. I can still know the overall picture of what's going on. But like, I used to be able to name the Mets in order of uniform number. And now I couldn't even tell you half the roster. But they still have the best player of all, which is Mr. Met. Yeah, you grow up. Well, and do you, I mean, are you following what's going on in the, I mean, which sport do you gravitate more towards? Is it always baseball or is it, you know? Baseball. Baseball. Yeah, I'm a big baseball fan. But, you know, I love, I also love, you know, football, hockey, basketball. I mean, the Rangers are in the playoffs right now, which is really exciting. The Knicks won their last four games and still missed the playoffs by a game because they suck. You know, so, but, and I'm a Giants fan in the NFL. So that's got, you know, it's been pretty exciting over the last six years. But, you know, I don't follow like the draft, for instance. You know, I'm not following it really closely. Whereas, you know, when I was 20 years old, I was there as press. Yeah. And I think that's, you know, it's definitely a different life now. Yeah. I want to ask you about this. This is a story we kind of started with at the top of the show about climate change. And it was something that came in the LA Times. And this is something that I probably didn't pay attention to much five, ten years ago. But it just seems to be getting more and more dire and more and more real now. Not just, you know, oh, it's going to happen or it's going to happen. How do, here's what I can understand is how is this not more, in your opinion, more of a pressing issue? To everyday people than it seems like it is when I read news articles? You know, like why do people not care? Because I have an answer to that. It's because it's politicized. Because when something becomes politicized and one party in particular is pushing it, then people who support the other party don't want to hear it just because of cognitive dissonance. You know, if that party is right about that issue, well then maybe they're right about other things. I was going through airports. I was going through airport security once. And it was just, you know, it was really frickin' cold in the winter. And one guy, you know, they're making small talk, whatever. And this one guy says to the security agent, he goes, ah, so much for global warming. And hearing that, I should have shut up. I should have been like, if Yoko's not going to learn anything, why are you wasting your time? But it was so hard for me to bite my tongue that, you know, I said, actually, that is global warming. Because even though it's called global warming, it's a bit of a misnomer. What it really is is, you know, it's hotter in the summer, but it's also colder in the winter. It just means climates are shifting. And the guy just looked at me and he just goes, so much for Obama. And I'm like, I don't even know what that means. You know, but it is one of these things where people are willfully ignorant because of cognitive dissonance. It's like the, well, and the rebuttal is like just word scramble, you know? Like Obama, Democrats, you know, like Republicans. It goes even on the other side, too, where it's just this sort of like they're just throwing out catchphrases or terms that they, you know, happen to hear on whatever, like Fox News or MSNBC or whatever. Did you hear the phrase that Eric Holder used about the banks? Because they're talking about prosecuting Credit Suisse and BNP Paribas. And so the phrase he used was, no one's too big to jail. You know, he's not too big to fail. And I was like, man, whatever speechwriter wrote that, kudos to him because that's going to be used for the next two years. Boom! Nailed it. Exactly. Like that was, oh, that's a bumper sticker. Last thing I want to ask you, I want to keep asking about this climate change stuff. I mean, like, why has it gotten so political? I know you're right. It seems like it has become so politicized and it shouldn't be. But why do you think that is? Is it because Al Gore? I think because the environment became a, you know, kind of a, I guess a pet issue of the left. And, you know, partially because the right was saying, well, you know, we don't need the environment, which is weird because we kind of do. We live in it. But the worst thing that a group can do for an issue they want to help is try to help it. Because then it becomes politicized and it becomes something that, you know, one side does and then the other side, if it gets knee jerk. There have been so many issues that both parties have flip flopped on because of who was pushing it when they were in power. You know, the idea of privacy, the idea of, you know, anti-terrorism, the idea, there are so many of those issues that the Democrats were fighting when Bush was in power that they're now pushing. And the Republicans were supporting one. Bush was in power that they're now fighting. You know, and it's a sad state of affairs. But, you know, I'm a comic, so I'm okay with it. It's got to happen. Last thing, Steve. So you're going to be in, you said you're going to be in Alabama. I played the Stardome before. I've actually, I've done the small room. Have you ever done the small room before? You probably haven't. I haven't. And actually, I've played the big room before. This time I'm doing the small room because I had a show at another venue. Yeah. That fell out. And James Gregory, who is a completely different audience than me, is playing the big room. So we reached out to Bruce and, you know, I've known him for years and just said, hey, do you have anything open? So I have it. But it's alleged, I mean, it sounds pretty cool. Yeah. Sounds like a 75-seater or something. Well, it is. It's a good room. It's, my experience was almost like, okay, is this 1965 again? Just like, I, it was, there was. All the black people. Yeah, yeah, it was a separate room. But I have to say, Bruce Ayers, the guy, yeah, he's funny because he, I went with a couple of friends. We rode over there and we did this, it was a comedy competition. And one of my friends was having kind of a good set. And then I guess he, you know, he started bombing. And after the show, Bruce comes up to him with just a great coif of hair and he comes up to Kevin. And he goes, dude, you were doing great, but you lost him at the hand job. And, and it was just like, it was like, you know, you only hear that in comedy. Yeah, you only hear that in comedy, you know? But. Well, the, the big room is weird because it's the only comedy club I've ever played with a skybox. And so there's no connection in that room. Like you can crush and it's a lot of fun, but you're not connecting. There's no intimacy whatsoever. It's 450 seats. So I, you know, I can't. I like the idea of the 75 seater. I, my, my ultimate room is 150, 200 seat theater because that way it's small enough to connect, but it's still kind of theory. Yeah. So I, I like those. You, you, I'm sure you'll, you'll kick ass. And when is your, when is your special coming out? Is that, do you know when that's going to be out on a, on TV? I hope soon. It's passing through allegedly final edits right now. Fingers crossed. You know, I got to see the first pass and I was really happy with it. You know, it's one of those things that. During the show, you're like, I think this went well, but then when you see it actually on screen, it's a completely different thing. And it was, it was very exciting to see. So I can't, I can't wait till it's done. I went to the last night and it was, it was great. And, and when you were doing the QA at the end and they heckled you or some, some way to you, they shouldn't really heckle, but she asked some question and then it got kind of into that and you handled that. Oh, I'd call her, I'd say a heckler. Like that was that, that woman. I mean, that woman at Crick. Uh, accused me of being a discriminatory toward religious people because I was talking about how people who can't afford children shouldn't have them, which she didn't hear. She just heard big families are bad because you know, I use too many words in a row. Weird about that woman was she was sitting in the VIP seat, like those seats, like she, she either has to know someone in the industry or a friend or so. Like I, I was like, how are you in the front row for this right now? Like, why are you here? Let alone in the most important. Seat right now. But it was great because it was afterwards. So I didn't, I didn't worry about it messing up a special. Nice. She's got like a love hate with you, man. She really does. Like, uh, I, I, I would take the love out of that and then you're right. I agree with that statement by the way. But it was, it was great because we got her on tape. Yeah. You handle those, you handle those amazingly. So I, you know, you almost, it's like, it's almost a, it's a blessing in disguise if you will. And no pun intended there. Um, but I, I never, I never liked being heckled. You know, I like getting through my stuff, but the reason I enjoyed that one was because I was through my stuff. It was during the end while we were getting the releases, I had already dinked two shows that I knew I could have on tape. And so then it was just playtime and she gave me a lot to play with. Uh, well, we'll end on that note. Uh, Steve, thanks so much for, for joining us. Uh, have fun on the road. Check out, uh, well, dark side, it's an older one, I guess, but, uh, check that out. I appreciate it. I was just, I was just screwed. Yeah. I appreciate it. But I do think in honor of your show, I'm going to go up to Gloria Stefan tomorrow. At least, at least give us an ode if you can. If just, just say that, you know, last night I was doing her, I was doing a podcast, I'm doing a radio show and I got brought onto this. Yeah. Well, not, not Friday though, cause that's when I'm playing a military base and I would like to. Yeah. You want to get invited back. Oh, they would love it. Uh, thanks a lot, Steve. Thanks a lot for joining us. Thank you. All right. Take care guys. All right. That's Steve Hofstetter, comedian, author, um, used to write for Sports Illustrated. Didn't, didn't, you know, didn't talk too much about the NFL playoffs. Not a, he's not following it too much, but loves the gloves. The New York Mets loves the New York Mets. It's unfortunate. I have a Mike Piazza's rookie card. Yeah. I should've tried to sell to him. I don't think anybody would buy that. What? He was good. I was told he was good. Well, I, yeah, at some point, um, at some point, uh, all right, so we've got about a little under, uh, 12 minutes to go. I think we want to do a quick break here. Um, Jenny Go, Jenny, uh, Guzman. Jenny Go. Jenny Go. I almost said Jenny Gomez. You forget my name? Gomez Guzman. G-U-Z-M-A-N. They're all the same to Whitey. Uh, Jenny, uh, if you don't mind queuing up a little music here, I don't know. I, I'm curious to see what you got up next. Oh, let's, I, I can't wait for this. We're going to do a short break. We'll be right back here with the Snake Game, Sarcastic News Live. Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung Sung so y'all ready for this so oh man hate to interrupt jock jams there that was one of my favorites yeah now that's what i call music yeah yeah that's all i know that song i think that's all that's the only lyric in that song yeah yep uh wow we've had a just an array we had nickelback we had jock jams we had glorious stuff on steve hoxley bringing the heat tonight time's flying we have a huge following in birmingham alabama and if you're in birmingham alabama go check out steve at the stardome uh this weekend very good guy very funny guy you're gonna like him and um he's got a very sarah and steve hate people i think is the name of their podcast check that out um his wife's very funny as well so uh appreciated steve calling in and now it's time folks for the moment you've been waiting for this is why people you know everything else let's be honest steve was great you know feldstein you actually brought your a game with your story for once snake let us down thank you yeah my monologue was probably a c minus in my opinion maybe you see guzman she's treading water over there but this is the moment we've all been waiting for folks it's time for the sarcastic news live snake game sweeping the nation sweeping hashtag sweeping the nation uh we gotta figure out feldstein who are you playing for tonight what's your share of the nation what's your share of the nation what's your share of the nation what's your share of the nation dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude dude play for the VCA Animal Hospital because that's where my dog, who got sick, will be checking into tomorrow. And I'm hoping that my charitable donation will lower my bill that I'll have to pay them. Very good. Very good. So, VCA Animal Hospital will be receiving some Miller Lights. Perfect. Well, yeah, let's crank this up tonight, guys. Let's do it. We just have a... This is not the normal quotes of the week. I've switched it up. I'm going NFL Draft Edition of the Snake Game, entitled The Dirty Dozen. Oh, man. Okay, so I've got 12 NFL Draft picks. This is how I feel about the game right now. Let me just hand this to you, Justin. This is how Feldstein feels about it. Listen, Justin, if I beat you with this right now, I'm sorry. There's a very good chance you might beat him. I've got 12 draft picks. Hold on. Hold on one second. Sorry, Snake. This is for my demo reel, Cross. This is for my demo reel. This is what Jenny Guzman thinks all the time. Is there no morality left in this world? Thank you, Matt Mills. And this is what Snake Craney does all the time. That is what I do. That's very indicative of what I do. Okay, here we go. Shut up now. 12 NFL Draft picks from either this year or previous years. Some are real. Some I completely made up. Oh, shit. So, whoever gets the most correct will win. I have my little scorecard here. So, we're going to run right through these. I've got 12. So, here we go. Real or fake player? HB Blades. Ooh. Sounds like a law firm, kind of. I'm going to go real. Fake. HB Blades. Real player. Cross on the board first. Here we go. Next up. Rokivius Watkins. Oh, do I go? Goldstein, go ahead. Real. Rokivius Watkins. Real player. Yeah! Cross up to a 2-0 lead. Yeah. LaDontae Sanders. Cross, you go first. I have no street cred. We're having fun with names here. Neither of us have any street cred to play this game. No, I'm going to go false. False. LaDontae Sanders is not a real player. You both get a point there. What if I'm perfect? That would be amazing. You would know me too well. Cameron Dick. What are you going to go, Feldstein? I need more pizza to think. Feldstein's like, I know a guy named Cam Dick. I met a guy, Harry Dick, today. Okay. No, it was Dick Harry. Can't be true. But okay. Go for it. Fake. I'll go real. Cameron Dick. Fake NFL draft pick. Feldy, catching up. I love it. Ed Wang. I'll go fake. Real. Ed Wang, real player. Feldy ties the game. That's right, buddy. Where did you find these names? Oh, on the NFL draft selection boards. Oh my God. How long is that list? It's very long. Let's keep it rolling here. Cardinal. Is it as long as Ed Wang? It is. Sorry. Microbians. Cardinal Vallejo. What? Who is it? What is it? Cardinal Vallejo. That seems so ridiculous. It's got to be real. Feldy. It's fake. Cardinal Vallejo. Fake NFL player. Feldy, you're taking the lead, my man. How fake is that? Next player. Striker. Striker Sulak. Oh, geez. I'll go real. It's real. Striker Sulak is a real NFL player. I feel like we're playing rock, paper, scissors right now. Feldy's up by one here. Playing war. Yeah, pretty much. Next draft pick. Baba Oshinowo. Uh, real. Fake. Baba is a real player. Cross. You tied the game. Three NFL draft picks left. We have a tie game. This is very exciting. Next one up. Tank Tyler. You go. Killing me. Real. I'll go fake. Tank Tyler is a very real NFL player. What the hell? That's it, man. Feldy up by one. Two players left. Jack Lugie. Oh, wow. I hope he's real. I really hope he's real. I hope he's... I'm going to go real. Fake. Real. Fake. Real. I'm going to go real. Fake. Real. Real. Real. Real. Real. Real. Real. Fake. Jack Lugie. Fake. Sorry, Cross. We all know this one. Last one's worth. Last one's worth. Last one. Well, Feldy's up seven to five right now. You've both done pretty admirable with this game. Last question. Why the hell not? It's worth 10. Last NFL draft pick. Trix Livingston. What do you go with, Feldy Stein? You have the honors. Damn it. I'll go... I'm going to go with real. I'll go fake. And he's going to the Colts. I'm going to go fake. I'm going to go fake. I'm going to go fake. I'm going to go fake. I'm going to go fake. I'm going to go fake. Going to the Colts. Trix Livingston. Fake. Yeah! Justin Cross with a come from behind win for the VCA Pet Hospital. They'll get Miller Lights which they probably don't want when they're operating on animals. Actually, I'll be honest. They'll probably get hundreds of dollars of my money tomorrow. They will. So they really will win. Direct deposit. They're going to get their donation actually faster than anybody else has gotten their donation. Justin beats Eric Feldstein. I'm live tweeting right now. Nice. Justin beats Eric Feldstein. Can you please hashtag Rokivius Watkins? I think he'll want to know that he was mentioned today. Yeah, yeah. Justin beats Eric in snake game, NFL draft. Thanks to Tank Tyler. Yeah, that was good. NFL draft. I was really reaching for straws at one point. Draft snake game. Because of who? Because of Tank. Rokivius Watkins. I don't even know how to spell that. Well, give it your best shot. You're going to have a room in there of characters? I'm just going to go. I just said Rokivius. I don't know. Rokivius. That's breaking. Guys, we've got a lot of fun stuff. Check out sarcasticnewslive.com. We've got new articles going up there every single day. Check us out. We've got almost, what are we at? We're over. 7,500,000. We are over. Let's see. We just have 50 seconds left, so we'll wrap up here. We've got over 7,700 followers now on Twitter. Coming up on 2,000 on Facebook. We're getting big, guys. It's happening. Two Gs, baby. That's right. Follow us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter. Check us out, sarcasticnewslive.com. Listen to Skid Row Studios. These guys do a great job for us and for all these other shows. There's some fun ones to listen to. If you're into sex, which you are, then there are some good sex shows. The one following us, very intriguing. You're going to like that a lot, so stay tuned for that. For everybody. For Jenny. Goose man in the back. Jake the Snake Cranny. Eric Feldstein. My name is Justin Cross. That was a golf clap of a show. We will see you next week, next Wednesday night here on Sarcastic News Live. Have a great night. Have a great week. See, I've been here for 28 years. Palette sweat beneath these wheels. Tattooed lines beneath our skin. No surrender, my Bobby G. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin. Sunglasses beneath our skin.