Bad date story, chastity bra, music playlist

Hi, this is Jello Biafra What should you rather have? A pint of booze if you're a recovering alcoholic Or a pint of cacophony no matter what or who you are Speak into the mic, bitch Say that into the microphone Keep on rockin' in the free world And I mean rock, not hot punk Not indie poo Not middle-of-the-road, Miley Cyrus-y Dreck You're a freak with a microphone Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ah! Oh, my, my Oh, ladies and shitheads Welcome back to another episode of A Pint of Cacophony My name is Dan I don't know what episode this is Fuckin' six, four, five, two, four Quattro, right on We got some stuff to go through today We got a bad date story Put together by my lovely intern Cheyenne We're gonna talk about a chastity bra I'm gonna go through my other intern Alex's And we're gonna talk about some funny choices We'll get to that in a bit We're gonna start off here with this band that is badass I can't remember if they're from Israel or not But they're called Carosella I don't think they're together anymore But it's just the drummer and a guitar player singer And she's a chick And this song's called Star Quality It's the shit I think it's cool We'll follow them with some 70er bitch But first off, let's hear about Justin Bieber real quick Because we all love that man Is he dead? Did he get killed? That little fuckin' punk Unbelievable Fuck him Fuck Fuck, we're done Don't you understand? We're done as a nation This guy He's gonna get fuckin' a movie now He's gonna get a book deal How I crashed my Lamborghini We're fuckin' done Give me that money That little fuckin' prick Give me that You know what I'd do with that money? I'd hire somebody to wipe my mother's ass That's what I would do with that money Because they're gonna kill me Because they got too much Too fast Don't you understand? These are the role models we have For all these other little fuckin' shitheads It's over It's over And I'm the fuckin' band We're the Titanic We are sinking And I'm the band Entertaining you people While we are I'm 53 I'm breakin' my fuckin' ass Two jobs I'm wearin' a fuckin' clip-on tie And this little prick Has the world by the balls And just throws the What's his What's he got problems? Is it a Is it a disease? Was he abused? When he was a Fuck him! Let him crash! Let him fuckin' die! And if I saw him crash and die I would pull over And eat popcorn While I see his fuckin' brains Hangin' from the fuckin' radiator Fuck Justin Bieber! Here comes the rain It's coming after me Come take my pain Just wash it out of me I gave my love I gave my love to you Come take my heart Just pull it through There is no start There is no start Quality There is no start Quality There is no start Quality I've tried my way through My head Here comes your gun The moment It's coming after me The moment It's coming after me Come take my heart Just shoot it out of me There is no agony There is no misery No more identity There is no start Quality There is no start Quality There is no start Quality There is no start Quality There is no start We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. She's going through worst date stories ever. This one's called The Gassy Girl. Let's see how this goes. Guy meets girl online. This is their first date. After dinner, she suggested a movie and massages. When it was her turn to give me one, she started rubbing places I didn't expect at all and started turning me on. I really was shocked and couldn't believe she was letting her hands roam all over me, so I turned around and started kissing her, you know, trying to take things to the next level. She then got practically undressed and says, I have a tampon in and I need to take it out. I told her I'd wait. You know, respectable man. She runs upstairs and takes what seems to be forever. I take the time to myself, more comfortable, and stripped only into my boxers to see her come back in fully dressed and looking surprised. She tells me, we can't do this. God is watching us and isn't happy. She sits next to me on the couch, and as we talk, I reach over to just pat on her leg and tell her I understand, even though I had no idea what to fucking think. Things seemed to be going the way they finally should at this point, until she climbed on top and let loose the loudest, smelliest fart. It was so strong, I could feel the wind all over me. I had to cover my face to keep from gagging on the smell. When I top it off, the condom goes dry. It was all red from her period. What she had told me was gone, and at this point, I couldn't continue anymore, so I stopped to get in the shower. She apologized, so she was blue in the face, and I calmed down. I calmed down after the cold shower, then began to get dressed again. I settled back down on the couch and told myself, it's time for me to leave. I couldn't do anything except shake my head. Embarrassed, she kept asking me to fart on her so she wouldn't feel so bad. I mean, that's the right thing to do, right? So now she's following me around, begging me to fart on her. I couldn't take anymore, so I had to leave, and I left the house and didn't say anything again to her that night. Alex, you got your mech on right there? I don't know. Right on. I mean, you put yourself in that situation. You fart on the girl or what? No, I wouldn't. You would not fart on the girl not to make her feel better? You would just leave? You'd sit there? No worries. We're gonna go into another little block here. We got some Mr. Bungle coming up. This is my favorite song by Mr. Bungle. And then we got Green Jelly. You'll recognize that maybe from Dumb and Dumber. And then Red Fang, their new air one called Blood Like Cream. Recently on TV, and here we go. So you're a freshman, right? Yeah. So tell me, man, how's this year's crop of freshman chicks looking? Boy, you're gonna end up in jail sometime early summer. I know that for a fact. No, man. No, I tell you. That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Yeah! Hmm, hmm, so good. Okay, all you puss-sucking motherfuckers out there, it's time to win a chance to fuckbang your daughter's tight-burnt-to-cherry-ass-to-call-her number. Sick, sick, sick! Sick, sick, sick! I got my hustler and I don't need nothing, eh? Oh, you scrunchies. Ginger! Ginger! Come on. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm seven six and I can't wait to get on the road Nobody's on, I'm alone I'm just holding this job I'm just holding this job Nobody's on, I'm alone Angela and John One, two, up, down, down We got fashion girls, ten women's shirts, hair in the back, hair in the back As in our jobs and trends Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pinker, one job, one job Three bands, seven shows She's not great, but I call her one of them always And I'm not some such one of you gays We got Big-ass Friday We got girls, we're jumping in pool And guys who'd love to fuck your shoes There's been We got models with strong minds to please You're not wise Since the skivvies from your crowd Yeah!! We got no one like Miss Elaine Oh, she's got this magazine And what's on the screen? And let's all get it with me Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I must go. I'd buy that for a dollar. I, I, I, I want to take the fuck of you, baby. I, I, I, I want to take the fuck of you, baby. I, I, I, I want to take the fuck of you, baby. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see The other side of the mountain was all that he could see He went back over the mountain to see what he could see The other side of the mountain was all that he could see You're a dark fool, you're a dark fool Tried to play the street There's nothing like a grabby jet that grandma sent to me Many a miles I've traveled, a thousand miles or so I've never swung my head, I'm definitely the hero by default There was so much on the street so much on the street There was so much on the street so much on the street There was so much on the street so much on the street There was so much on the street so much on the street There was so much on the street so much on the street There was so much on the street so much on the street There was so much on the street so much on the street You're tired, fool, you're tired, fool Tried to play the scene There's nothing right, I'm tired Between these grandma's legs and me Oh, many a miles I've traveled A thousand miles or so I never saw a radio Can't even hear nobody before I can't make it, can't make it Can't hear me Who gives a shit about Bigfoot? I refuse to sleep I will not leave I'm drowning in my bed I put into mine And make her blind I'm drowning in my bed She's lost the rest of time Babe, frothing at the teeth Carrying into me This blood-like grief Stars that fade away The light will dissapear And carve another name Cut it out, cut it out, cut it out Cut it out, cut it out, cut it out Just before I take it Cut it out, cut it out, cut it out Just before I take it Paint your lips with blood And clean your eyes You stripped away the skin You stripped away the skin Babe, frothing at the teeth Carrying into me This blood-like grief bunu bunu bunu bunu bunu bunu Thinking you left behind All that you're wasting Wasting away Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Just before I take it Daniel! Daniel! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! The whole time, the whole time! The whole time! So, some words, but I like it anyway. Open up the door to see the sorry place in my window. And with me comes my feet and crawling through my skin, there's no shadow. When I went to leave this gift, there's blood between my toes and no escape. This is what he said. And he's more violent than his head. Makes his life a war. Eat this spend of fruit and touch its furry heart. It's made of darkness. This ocean made of flesh and waves beyond my scope are so tired. Watch the fluffy speed that tear an orange flesh. It's so sustaining. Oh, my God! This is what... This is so sustaining! You can't keep me from All that's in you now Makes this life so hard guitar solo Makes this life a war Should this healing pull Beg by the vibrancy My teeth are chipping The jingles are being low And calling for a tone It's an evolution Things that go through The desert's weary heart Is made of darkness Is it worth it now? Can't keep me from All that's in you now Makes this life so hard guitar solo What the fuck? Where are we? Circus Carnival. We're at a pint of fucking cacophonies where we're at. You cock-juggling boner jockeys. Anyways, my name's Dan. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. I got my buddy here, Matt, sitting in with me. He's a friend of mine. Oh, hey. Hey. Oh, shit, that circus music. Can we keep that down a tad? This is the best dream I've ever had. This is the worst fucking dream I've ever had and the best at the same time. Gotta go to a good circus. Anyways, we're gonna talk real quick. Real quick about the Chastity Bra. This thing's from fucking Japan. Basically, it's a bra that's locked in, like, the middle, right between the two breasts, and you can't rip it apart. Nobody can break it. It's just fucking impossible. This shit is hooked up to your fucking phone, and according to the product designer, a built-in sensor reads the women's heart rate signal and sends it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis. The app then calculates the true love rate based on changes in the heart rate over time. This means that there's different sensors on it, and there's different labels, and it says, oh, this dude makes me flirtatious, this guy makes me aroused, this guy makes me bored, this guy makes me depressed. Anyways, when you see this person enough times, it eventually learns yourself, just like your Netflix account does, and it takes it all the way up to love, and when that happens, your bra extremely just bursts open. It doesn't matter where the fuck you are. You can be watching a movie, and it's gonna explode just like a Mission Impossible tape. You know what I mean. No, no, that sounds amazing. But it's confusing, too, because what does a true love measure? To some people, true love is just two fingers. Yeah, right. No, okay, but that would count on the arousal part, right? Well, so you gotta get her heart rate up. Yes. So you scare the shit out of her, right? You just chase her through a field for an hour and a half. Yeah, what you do is, you know, she loves you, right? She gives you her key. Sure. You come in with a fucking mask on in the middle of the night. There you go, and then boom, two fingers. You got a heart rate, you got arousal. Uh-huh. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe not. No, this is now included in the best dream I've ever had with the circus music. So you're wearing a clown mask is what I'm going with. It's my favorite mask. All right, let's get back to some fucking tunes. We're running out of time. That's okay, though. We're not, man. We got plenty of time. Man. We're gonna go into, let's see, Free Range Humans. This song, just, all right, it's 3 a.m. You got it. It's 3 a.m. It's foggy, just like it was, like, three days ago. What's she wearing? No, no, no, no. There's no heels. It's just you by yourself and the liquor store. This is Free Range Humans, and then we're gonna go into a song I played last week, but this one's the studio one. This is Steve Delameter. He's a fucking fantastic friend of mine, and it's a Pixies song. It's called Hey, and then we're gonna follow it with the new Pixies, and I'd like to, you guys hit me back on Facebook at A Pine of Cacophony, and let me know what you think after what's been a year, of three different bass players. We finally got one back, and they're actually putting some shit out. It's called Blue-Eyed Hex. Let's check it out. Let's start with Free Range Humans, though. Let's go for it. Excellent! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, that's my dick. Hey! Been trying to meet you. Oh, oh, oh. Hey! Must be those devils with the... tweenucks. A horse in my hand. Horse in the door. Horse up in my bed. But hey! Just where have you been? If you go, I'll surely die. We're trying. We're trying. We're trying. Which I mind Which I mind I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Maybe you'll get lucky at the punk club tonight. Yeah! Attacking heaven points to the gaze of the blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome I tried to hide but I was not able Shed was opened down to an evil Felt a burning in my soul I'm vexed, give me the power Give me the handsome Blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome Blue-eyed handsome A call that can't be answered From the great Spirits dreaming through the streets Through my eyes, the star of my life Star of my life, the blue one Blue one Blue one Blue one Blue one Blue one Blue one Blue one Blue one Hey, thanks. Thanks, guys. You were listening to Pine and Cacophony. My name's Dan. Dan Pacinelli. You can find us at Facebook at facebook.com slash pinecacophony. We're also on Instagram and Twitter. You can find us there as well. I want to thank Alex for running my board and taking bananas in his mouth. And Cheyenne, Cheyenne, she does everything else. That's it from now on. Cheyenne just does everything else. That's awesome. And I appreciate it. I appreciate the help. You guys are great. You're listening to skidrowstudios.com. We're here Mondays from 11 p.m. to 12 a.m. You'll find our playlist on our Facebook in the morning if we wake up on time. All right, I'll see you guys next week. And this last song, this one's for my lady. It's called ZZ Top, and it's called I Thank You. Good night, motherfuckers. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Fuck off and die.