Toddler fights, breast implants, 100-pound scrotum

You are listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. You're listening to Skid Row Studios. Skid Row Studios. We're listening to Skid Row Studios. I'm not doing it with you. Please do it with me. Fuck that. At Skid Row Studios? At Skid Row Studios. Maybe. Okay, everybody, welcome to another episode of Bad Advice, the advice show where the advice is free and worth every penny. Yes, we are here today. I am joined, as I am every week, by a panel of very funny people. Let's hear it first for Mr. Ken August, host of the weekly wrap-up every Sunday here on Skid Row Studios. Over in the corner, we have a good friend, very funny man, Mr. Adam Richman is with us. If I took bad advice last week, I wouldn't be here today. I just want you to know that. That's right. We have Vic Cohen. Always, always a pleasure having you here, Vic. Hey, Vic. Very exciting. Put your pants back on, Vic. No, no, we count on him for that. And then we have Sal Rodriguez. Rodriguez, sitting right to my left. Don't look at these microphones. I swear there's pubic hairs on these microphones. Don't look at them. Sal, just your microphone. Just mine. And they're just my pubic hair. What's going on? Already we're starting pubic hair jokes? Sal's like, okay, why am I plucking pubic hairs up? I know. It's kind of early. Guys, give it a little time. I'll save it for 30 minutes in. Okay. And we're waiting on Chris Z, who's on his way. We should just probably wait and not start the show. Like, you need another guy in here? There's not enough heterosexual men in this room for you? You need another one? We need another Gentile in the room. I'm representing the Gentiles here on the show. Chris has to come so we can balance things out. So it's three and three. You're saying it's pretty Jew-y today? Is that what you're coming with? Pretty Jew-y in here, folks. Listen, let me tell you, not very often do we outnumber a room, so let's just be proud. Not for long. Not for long. Says the Hispanic. Says Sal Rodriguez. I will take all his country. Everything will be mine. You make me sound sexier than I am. Mine's like a conquistador. You are. The rest of his people are in the car. Let's kill the Jews. I've never heard that. Let's kill the Jews. Sounds so sexy. All right. Well, here on Skid Row Studios, if you want to join the show, if you want to call in, if you have a question or you just want to join us on any of the things we're talking about, you can reach us live, 800-893-9562. Again, call us, 800-893-9562. Also, make sure you like Bad Advice on Facebook, and you can subscribe to the podcast for free on iTunes. Nine of Vic's fake characters just called in. That's what you know. You want to hear more of Vic? I hate that phone number. I know you do. I fucking hate it. And yet, we're not changing it. It's the worst scrambled number that makes no sense. It should be like 1-800-SKID-ROW or something. Does it spell something? Nothing. I'm sure it does. Well, look it up. There isn't like one digit that's the same. Why is Ken so quiet already? I don't understand this. I've been drunk for hours. Ken has been drinking since he got to my place. Did you guys just get here? And that was yesterday. Ken, why are you wearing a nipple-less shirt? That's weird. I've never seen that before. It's just nipples. He has no nipples. I have no nipples. I was looking at him like, oh, God. He's got nipples. He has a t-shirt, but he just cut out the nipple part. Yeah, but when Chris Z gets here, it balances out because Chris has three. Right. I have a tattoo of a third nipple. Nice. Is that too much information? A little bit. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough information. I want to hear more. I'd like to see it. Say it again slower. Well, guys, we're going to start right in because we've got a bunch of stories and we have a bunch of questions. So we're going to get right to it. Our first story actually comes to us. Out. Of Missouri. This one is sort of, this one is a little bothersome. Apparently, a St. Louis mom encourages toddlers to fight in a video which was posted on Facebook. Here's what it says. It says, it shows a fist fight between two small children in diapers and in the background, a woman's voice encourages the scuffle. She apparently yells things to the children whose faces are blurred, saying things like, got some action. Got some action. Y'all better ball up some fists. Can I assume they're Southern from that, from that accent? Yeah. Did I? Yeah, exactly. The whole Missouri thing may not have been necessary once you get y'all better ball up some fists. I would like to say that the first rule of Baby Fight Club is that everyone has to have shit in their diapers. There's nothing wrong with this at all. UFC fighters are training earlier and earlier. There's nothing wrong with this. I say, let's get ready to rumble. I just want to know what the ring girl looks like. What are the races of the babies? It's a little. It's a little baby carrying a mini number. Exactly, a little thing. No, the toddlers and tiaras are the girls carrying the, what are the races of the babies? What is that? Missouri, you know they're white. Are you kidding me? If it's a black baby, then it's okay. I'm just wondering who won. I'm trying to think. It was the Jew. It was the Jew. No, it was definitely never the Jew. And it was Southern, so the white baby won. The Jews were good in boxing years ago. You mean as the getting hit part? The accountant guy. Yeah, no. This is what's interesting. There is, the woman who reported this said, and I quote her, it's just sickening and I feel like there should be some kind of criminal action taken. I couldn't even watch the whole video. I had to stop it and look at it again and again. It was sad. You couldn't watch it, so you just kept turning it back on. Is there a way to bet on the mini child? You can make a small wager. I don't know. Why is this a problem? Did this woman watch it in reverse so it seemed like the babies, they're starting to get along? Is that what she did? If these kids were in a dojo and had their karate gis on, it would be okay. But just because it's in a living room, there's a problem with it. I see no problem with it. The kid's voluntarily willing to fight. Well, I don't think they make, any dojo specifically makes diapers. Did they have any boxing gloves on? They did. They had gloves on and diapers. Come on. It's cute. They're learning early to be warriors. You can't put headgear on because you've ever seen a toddler run. You know how their head is? It's always like flopping over and their head weighs more than the body. Which is amazing. Yeah. So I actually think it's okay. Nice. I don't really have a problem with their doing it. I think it's wrong. My advice is, you know. Continue to do it. Send us the link. Yeah. Pay-per-view and betting. I mean, look. Betting is huge. Yeah. You get some sponsors. I mean, if you're going to have your kids fight, there's no reason to do it if you can't bet on it. My advice is to have this as a lead-in to UFC. And Oshkosh Bagosh. This is a UFC weekend. Tonight, Chael Sonnen fighting Anderson Silva. I think it's going to be a good fight. I think this video would make a great lead-in to that. So it's UFC, Ultimate Fighting Children. Oh! Yes! Who walked into that? Well done, sir. I saw Chael's nipples get hard on that one. The one he doesn't have? That's his kid with the nippleless shirt. Nice. Okay. Well, on to the next story then. This one also has to do with underage people, but not toddlers. This one, apparently, this one comes to us out of England. Brittany Marshall, who is a 14-year-old young British woman, was urged to get breast implants by her mother. She's a mother of the year. Yeah. This one gets mother of the year. It says there's a photo. I want to see that. I'm going to show you the show. Here's the thing. She's good looking. I want to see somebody get breast implants before their breasts actually come in. And that way there's a breast on top of a breast. Nice. She didn't even grow her breasts. I haven't grown it. She didn't hit puberty. So she got implants, but all of a sudden she's got like boobs. And then there's... Like a little mountaintop. Oh, that'd be awesome. That'd be fantastic. That'd be nice. That'd be fun. You need a friend to come join you. I need two more hands. That's very... What's the controversy? Okay. Let me read you some of this story. That's a yacht. There's a lot to this. Okay. Brittany Marshall, a 14-year-old from Nottinghamshire, England. The youngest girl in the Marshall family out of like four girls, apparently is the only one without breast implants. Her mother named Chantel Marshall told the son... And let me just say, Chantel Marshall, white. Yeah. That's the beginning of the problem. Okay. Brittany is going through a... This is the mother. This is what she's saying. Brittany is going through a funny phase in the moment and saying she doesn't want to get her boobs done. But the mother really wishes she would. The mother says at the moment she doesn't really want to have... No, she says... I'm sorry. At the moment she doesn't really have what I would say are boobs. But I'd like her to follow in her sister's footsteps. A lot of that has to do with her being 14, but still. Yeah. She doesn't have any. She says, I really love the fake look of my girls. And I know Brittany will go that way when she's a bit older. Yeah. Chantel and her four other daughters collectively own $50,000 worth of fake breasts with sizes ranging from 32DD, that's the 21-year-old, her name's Ripley, to a 34HH, that's the 27-year-old named Terry. But Brittany's the only one who's au naturel. Is the mother a star of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? One of the girls is named Ripley with 32DD Ripley, believe it or not. Yeah, that's easy. How is this mother... You think it's what? I can't stand fake breasts. I don't like the whole thing. All right. Vic. Yeah, I was going to say, Vic's fat. I want to say to yourself, buddy. Yeah. I also don't like vagina and fun. This woman, the mother should be in jail, and these three kids should all come live with me. What happened to the other... Wait, Ken, you know those stories about people being abducted, and then you wake up, and your kidney's gone? Wait till you see this picture. I think you should see the situation in this girl, where she's apprehensive, so somehow she wakes up one morning, and she's got these amazing boobs put in. She's like, and they all wake up like, no! They should take them off. This daughter is hot, and she actually has... I mean, look, I'm sorry I'm commenting on a 14-year-old, but she doesn't look 14, and she has nice breasts. That girl is gorgeous. Yes. I think we should be proud of any woman who wants to get breast implants. She has nice breasts already. If that were my daughter, what would you do, Vic? If that were your daughter... If that were your daughter... If that were your daughter, you'd be dating her, Vic. She looks slutty and fake, so she'll probably enjoy her... They say she's the brainy one in the family. She's the brainy one in the family. Michael, we should be proud of any woman who wants to get breast implants. I'm dating a 43-year-old who just got dental implants, so we should be happy about that. She just got teeth. She had no teeth. You should be proud of that 43-year-old. But can I ask a question? I hope he's listening. She doesn't listen. She doesn't hear anymore. How big? I've never seen a double H. What is double H in breasts? Can we just go back to Vic's comment? Can we just go back to Vic's comment about him not liking fake boobs? You know what I like boobs? I like any boobs in front of my face. You know, like small boobs, big boobs. I don't like fake ones because I'm a small man, and it's dangerous. Has there been a rash of fake boob deaths? No, but if a woman rolls over the wrong way... I mean, I'm really small. Vic is equating this. Do you know that people that shake a vending machine and it falls over on them and kills them? That's what Vic is afraid of with breasts. Vic's head looks like a fake boob. Thank you. Also, this is the truth, guys, and you'll be on my side. If you hear this, large breasts sag and become disgusting. Little breasts look like little breasts forever. I agree with that. I've never been a big breast fan. But the fake breasts, don't they stick out there like forever? They do, but... Is it a fake breast casket? If you die, there's actually an extra space on top. There's a hole. There's two holes for them to pop out. That's nice. If you have a 60-year-old woman... Like, bump his chaps for a casket? Exactly. Have you ever seen a 60-year-old woman topless? She looks like she's 18. No, her boobs are 18. Why are you saying 60? 60-year-old women topless. First of all, where are you hanging out? I'm glad we're on the same side of the table because let's just discuss that, like, I don't mind if a girl is 60 and her boobs are 4, you know? I prefer... No, no. If they are actually 4 years old, but if they are that of a 4-year-old, yeah, I think I have a problem with that. That's a little bit different. I don't know if he's cutting off your 4-year-old boobs and putting them on you. That's just easy. No one looks at the catalog and go, I'll take those. I'll take the ones I can't see. No, they're not good with that. Small breasts will always look young and perky. Let me ask you guys a question here, seriously. Okay, here. Let me ask you guys a question. If this woman had daughters and the daughters had crooked teeth and she were to say, you're going to get braces, would we say she should be sent to the police because she makes her kids get braces? Her kids aren't crooked. How is this different? If her kids' teeth are crooked, she should still say, you're going to get fake tits so nobody looks at your teeth. That's what she should do. They are from England. Yeah, and they're English, so for sure her teeth are crooked. Why do you think they're not smiling in the picture? They have no boys in the family? Yeah, no, they have sons. Yeah, they have big bald boys. They have sons. They have fake boobs too. It's the whole family. The boys actually in this story said that the girl, they encouraged the girl to not get the fake boobs. The brothers encouraged the girl to be different. You know, I saw this family on Taboo 6. That's what it feels like. It's just something. Taboo. Taboo. That's the French version. Here's my advice. Ladies, ladies, if you are with a guy that is not happy with your body, don't change yourself. Change the guy. It's easier and it costs less. That's nice. If this is anything, like, any other relationship, as soon as the mom buys the fake boobs, the daughter will dump the mom. Well done, Sal. Well done. Do you guys hear, like, an air conditioning unit? Yes. Do you feel like we're in the back of an airplane, kind of? I hear her humming. The show was taking off. There's a man on the wing. That's a boob. A giant boob? It's a fake boob on the wing. I don't get these guys who buy their girlfriend's breasts all the time. All the time? Like, more than once? Yes. I've gotten her fake breasts five times. Is there, like, a story? You go, hey, honey, let's just go window shopping. Grab some boobs. All right, we're going to do one more question. Then we're going to do, or one more story. Then we're going to do a couple of questions. This one, this is a weird one. Like the last one. The other one's normal. Let's do one that's normal. Someone went to the grocery store and bought some groceries. Discuss. No, okay. Well, this guy's not going to the store. Wesley Warren Jr. has been suffering from having a 100-pound weight loss. He's been suffering from having a 100-pound weight loss. He's been suffering from having a 100-pound scrotum due to a condition called scrotal elephantiasis, making his sack a literal sack that he needs to carry everywhere. He was offered free surgery to fix it by the Dr. Oz show, but he backed out, saying he's worried about life-threatening and possibly life-ending risks associated with the procedure. I just like to jump in. And here is Chris Z. Let me just jump in first. Hey, Chris Z. Chris Z. Let me just jump in first and say immediately, we know his theme song is I've got big balls. You've got big balls. Big balls. Chris, you just made it, so let me catch up real quick. Wesley Warren Jr. is suffering from a condition which causes him to have one... He's got big balls. He's got a 100-pound scrotum. 100 pounds. That's a lot of balls. A lot of balls. What if he wasn't gutsy either? You know, what if we found out this guy was like the... Wimpy. He's so meager and wimpy, has never taken a risk. It's like, dude, you've got the biggest ball in the world, and metaphorically, you're making a... I'll look back. Imagine the dares that were put to him on a... Fuck, sorry. Imagine the dares that were put to this guy when he was a teenager by his friends with those balls. No, no, he didn't always have them. That's how his balls actually grew. He responded to all the dares. How do you have 100-pound balls? I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going to tell you. Yes, I have a picture. Steroids. It says at one... Let me just finish this part. It says, at one point, Warren even called the Howard Stern Show to ask his listeners for help. He described how his penis is so completely overwhelmed by his massive scrotal sac that he urinates pretty much everywhere when he goes. I'd do that anyway. It's pretty much a crapshoot anyway. How big are your balls? He also has his own personal flotation device, always. Yeah. It says, doctors say the condition is usually the result of an infection from a tropical insect, but Warren says he's never left the country. He says he accidentally hit his testicles on waking up one morning, and they swelled to the size of soccer balls the next day. It was that night that Mosquito from Buenos Aires blew me. Wait, this idiot called the Howard Stern Show to ask for advice. In a place where he's more likely to be ridiculed than anywhere else on Earth. You know what? I'm embarrassed about my enormous, small village-sized balls, and I'm going to call Howard Stern and ask for advice. That's the only show that gives worse advice than bad advice. How does he carry a hundred-pound ball around? Does that mean... A wheelbarrow. Yeah. I mean, a shopping cart. Well, it says in the picture, he literally... Yeah. He actually pushes... You ever see one of those dual-sport balls? He has strollers that has two... Like for twins? Yeah, in front of him at all times. It's like a bicycle built for two. Is it too easy to say that this story is nuts? Oh! This guy's getting laid. I will kill myself. Who writes this stuff? I like that... You do, Adam. You do. How come we put a size on breasts like the last story that says a 32-double-E? How come this guy doesn't have ball size like 48-triple-H? How come he doesn't have a size? That is so much beyond... A hundred pounds is so much beyond the normal ball size, I think. I don't know... Dude, how do you even have pants? Like, seriously. A hundred pounds. Can you imagine the staring that this man has endured? Is that a massive ball in your pants? Well, let me ask you this. Don't be partying. Well, let me ask you this. He says he does not want to have the surgery to have it corrected because he's scared of what it'll do to him. Oh, fuck you. Now, he's peeing all over the place. He's got to carry around two 50-pound balls. Here's my impression of him getting the pressure released from his balls. You know it's only an hour-long show, right? Hold on. Is that what's in them? Air? I don't think they're full of air. Shouldn't be a hundred pounds. I don't think when he orgasms it's like a pressure hose. No, no, what it is is actually helium. When you go up to him and you suck on his balls, I'm not going to talk like this afterwards. I feel bad for his girl. He's like, hey, honey, I like it when you put my balls in your mouth. And her head just explodes. That is a tea party by himself. Right there. That is tough to do. So would you, even if you thought that the surgery might kill you, would you go for it or would you? Here's the thing. Whenever something comes to define you, you have to deal with it. You know what I mean? This guy could be Stephen Hawking. He could be smarter than fucking Einstein, but that's what people are going to know him as. So you have to address it. If you want to live any semblance of a normal life, then you have to address it. If before you meet people, they need to be warned not to react to your balls. Don't stare at his balls. Don't look right at them. Hey, this is my buddy. Before we go in, I should tell you something. If you need to buy an extra seat on a plane, not because of your weight, yeah, you need to pay. Sir, you're going to have to put those balls under the seat in front of me. Or the overhead compartment. Actually, no. At 100 pounds, because 90 pounds is the limit for luggage. You can't put your balls in the overhead compartment. Seriously, he has to check his balls. Plus, he would have to sit on his head. I mean, this guy, though, I would be the guy stuck sitting next to him. I think this guy next to me keeps putting his ball on the armrest. I think he should just not get the surgery. You know when people have to do stuff to make them look better and they might have a disformity, like I have a small penis, but hey, as long as I look good, eventually she'll come into my apartment. She'll take off my pants and then she'll surprise. She'll know. This guy can't do that. No woman is sleeping with him. If she looks and sees 250 pound testicles, she's going to go... Wait, is it 250 or 120? I'm guessing... Maybe it's 60-40. How do we know it's not, like, 70-30? It could be 60-40. No, it says he's got a... It changes the story to me. It says he's got a 100-pound sack. I'm assuming there's two of them, so I'm doing simple math. Wouldn't it be sad if one was 95 pounds and the other was 5? Here's the deal. I am a strong advocate in this idea that there is someone for everyone. Oh, my God. I am sure there's a woman. Giant vagina ever. There's no way you're placing your balls in a vagina. And that guy should be doing gay porn because in the gay world, he would make a lot of money. Hold on. That is a fascinating... You know the size of the orgasm of that? I need someone with a laundry bag down there. Is that what you're claiming? I think gay porn would eat him up. Eat him alive. They would ride that to the bank. I think you're insulting gays right now. You're assuming gays... No, I'm not. Just because they're gay, they want a 100-pound testicle? No, I'm not. Or just because he has a 100-pound testicle, this guy's gay. He's like, all of a sudden, I got a boner for men. There is a fetish for everything. There is some woman out there that wants to do snow angels and this guy screwed them. Somewhere, snow angels. How's the weather? I don't know. Chris is smiling. I'm just like... Skin angels. I will say, it's so frosty down there. Skin angels. I don't know what it's called, but there is a fetish where guys like to get their balls kind of tortured. You know what I mean? Like, I saw a video It's called CBT. Cock and ball torture. Thursday evenings. What's the fetish when you like to get your balls licked? Is that a fetish? That's not a fetish. That's just lunch. That's just lunch. That is... That costs me 75 bucks. I live adjacent to West Hollywood and my favorite video store happens to have a lot of gay videos and I can completely see... I would see So your favorite video store is a gay video store is what you're saying? No, I mean, it just so happens that they... And when I say video store, I mean my video collection. No, I have no porn. But... No porn. Okay, I'm going to call bullshit right here, right now. I swear to God, I'm porn free. Now? Right now. What do you mean, like in this room? No, meaning he only likes free porn. That's what he means. I got rid of all my porn. What? I did. I gave it to Charity. No, I did. I got rid of it. Charity was one of Chantel's daughters with the fake boobs. Seriously, why don't we all make a pact? Let's make a pact right now. Let's all go porn free. That is the worst I don't own porn. Why don't you blow me? I won't make it Chris was watching porn while we did the weekly wrap-up. That is true. That is true. I'm watching porn on my phone right now. Literally, Chris couldn't get through last Sunday's news program without looking at porn on his computer. That is actually a true story. Drew called him on it. Gus, who drinks beer during every show, chided me. That's how outrageous it was that he was like, that's out of bounds, man. But I want you to say something. My favorite video store around the corner from me, they have normal releases and then they have a gay section. Let's talk about normal releases as we go to your video store. Can I get a normal release? If anyone is listening that would like to see or touch 100-pound balls, please call 800-893-9562. I can see this on the shelf. Hold on, what's that number? I didn't know there were so many ways to have sex with an ass. Video store comes with new releases. Hold on, guys. I want to hear this. No, I mean, every other guy in there behind me, in front of me, he's got like a butt buster. Every guy in the store behind you? What? In the store. It's like, I never realized you could fucking ass that many ways. I mean, there's, you know, up the butt, behind the butt. I mean, you know, it's fascinating. All the different... I will tell you one time... Black and white butt. I saw a video. You guys remember Consumption Junction? I don't think it's around anymore. Conjunction Junction? Yes, I remember that. That was horrible. From about eight years ago. And they would go and they'd search out like the world's worst sexual atrocities. And in one case, I saw a guy fisting another guy. I mean, right up to the elbow, man. Like, I don't even understand. I don't know why I bought the Sesame Street. Isn't that just like the Muppets or Sesame Street? And I have a particularly long forearm. For the record, this is the 13th consecutive story that Chris has worked that into. I like how you just saw. I saw. You talk about it like it's a billboard on the side of the road or something. I have to search that out. It's not a billboard. I saw that out. It's not gay because I watched it with my roommate. Where's this guy? What's that guy's name with the ball? He's got two of them. There's two of them. Okay, well, I want to give him some advice. Wesley Warren Jr. Wesley, are you listening to this right now? Heavy B. Wesley, Vic is talking to you. He does look like Heavy D. Wesley, I want you to start doing porn. I want you to start doing gay porn. Wesley, are you listening? Listen to me. Vic wants you to do gay porn. Don't not remove that ball. There's two of them. Why are you limiting them to one? They didn't mold together. They're in testicles. No, no. The balls come in pairs, usually. There's two of them. He also could do video chat, sex video chat. I mean, he's got a whole career if he would just be smart about it. I will say, you know, most men, in fact, have one testicle slightly larger than the other because blood pumps out of the heart on one side of the body. Here, I'll show you mine, guys. Check this out. One hangs lower than the other. Is it possible that this guy's larger testicle is now his smaller testicle? Listen, I just tell the story. I didn't do, like, the testicle testicle. I didn't do the touch test. Is it possible that his testicle is actually his unborn Siamese twin? This is the danger of online dating. It still tastes delicious in my mouth. What he thinks is pubic hair is actually facial hair. This is the danger of online dating because there will be some woman who he will not have, you know, told about this. I mean, you know. She's going to notice. I'm pretty sure she's going to, yeah. Oh, I didn't see that hundred pound bag coming. I'm pretty sure nobody counted it. No, I mean, on a first date, you got to, some people don't reveal everything. And there's going to come a point where she's like, I'm trying to tell him she's not interested. It's not the hundred pound ball. It's really nice. Okay, well, as long as we're talking about things that kind of put people off, let's start with this question. Nice segue, buddy. Nice. You like that? Thank you. Cool transition. Thank you. As long as we're talking about molestation and rape. I have some questions about that too, actually. But no, this one, this one comes to us from Bob in Toledo. Bob wrote in, my fiance has started growing facial hair. What the fuck? There are three big ones coming out of a mole on her nose. Do I tell her? Do I pluck them in her sleep? What do I do? I've seen this on women before. I've seen the hairs coming out of the mole. Yeah. Why do I see it and they don't see it? Yeah, that's right. I've seen it. They see it, they just know they're still getting laid if they stay late enough. Here's the deal. I want to tell you something and this is true and I've noticed this. Women who have facial hair usually have very high testosterone and they're great in bed because they love to fuck. They're like guys. They also make good, they're very helpful on moving. They're very helpful on moving day as well. Here's my advice. Fuck it. The mole? Yeah, just go for it, man. Get in there. It's a new part of the body. Do you know who else has a lot of testosterone? I'm one of those people though. Fuck the mole. No, you see, I actually feel bad for Bob because I'm one of those guys and I can admit this. It's like if there is a flaw that I see, I will focus on that. I can't get that image out of my head. Well, then you have to. You should be able to tell her, hey, listen, darling, I love you to death but there's some hairs growing out of your nose. You gotta tell her. Maybe if you can eliminate it, eliminate it as just one factor. Fuck your mustache. Ask her to grow out the rest of her facial hair to match that one gross patch in the middle of her face and then you don't have one thing to focus on. Letter? No. No, I would, I think, Brie says true, you know, you want to, Adam, communication's key. I love now it's almost Dr. Phil with you. Yeah, no. Communication? You can't tell a woman that those hairs growing out of your face are icking me out. Yeah, you can't tell. You can't get rid of them. There's no way the woman is gonna take that. True. Vic believes in honesty. Yeah, but he's always wrong. It's about connecting with a woman. It's a beautiful thing when you can be honest with a woman. Like I shared last week when I had the woman with a bad odor. I was very honest with her. When Vic was making love to a transvestite with his mouth. It smells so disgusting. No, I did it in a very tactful way. She's been dead for two weeks. I performed oral love on her and it was... And then you kissed her and she's like, that's disgusting. No, it was horrible. I was very careful down there. I fought my way through it because it's always about the woman. I like oral love. I love oral love. Okay, we are not going back into Vic's conquests. No, but the point is is that I was honest with her. Now, yes, she did cry. But you're not with her anymore. No. She did kill herself, but at least I told her. She was upset, but then she got engaged and it's probably because she took care of the problem. Some other guy found her and she was clean. This was last week. No, no. You said last week you were with her. No, no, no. I heard that too. Oh, I didn't know this was not last week. Last week is when I discussed this. What are you, a comedian? What happened today? No, last week is when I discussed me making oral love to this woman. But this was a long time ago. Okay, but here's the thing. I say if you can avoid confrontation in a relationship, that is usually the best course of action. Unless it really spices up your relationship. Well, yeah, that's different. But this is not the kind of thing that's going to spice up the relationship. So I say eliminate it, but do it in a way that'll work. You can't pluck them while she's asleep. How come she takes the hint? She's going to have to be... If you just reached out, plucked the hair, and started like flossing your teeth with it, she'd probably get an idea that she's got some hair. Yeah, I say no. Wait till she's sleeping and just use some sort of like exfoliant. You know, like Agent Orange, Nair, whatever you got. You can't give her the little clipper if she's sleeping. No, no, you can't clip it because then it's growing right back out. You got to get that shit out by the roots. I'd say, you know, like laser, whatever. Just, you know. You get rid of it. Yeah, you wouldn't want to be caught in that situation. Honey, what are you doing? Nothing. Nothing? I'm about to sleep, honey. Nothing to see here. Drew, this story kind of is reminiscent of the last story where I was saying when something comes to define you, you have to address it. I went to a wedding in Miami Beach not too long, a couple years ago, and I'm not kidding you, man. There was a pretty girl, Latino of some sort, a very pretty girl, young, and she turned around and on one side of her face she had like a... It wasn't a mole. What do you... Like a darker patch, you know what I mean, where it just looks like a birth, like a long birthmark, maybe an inch and a half, two inches long. A joint twin. And the amount of hair that was growing out of it, I'm not exaggerating when I say it's roughly the thickness of Adam's hair. It looked like a moss patch. Yeah, and it wasn't just like it was just coming to, like she had clearly at some point said, fuck it. It was a midget with a machete walking through the wedding. I'm telling you, this girl... Stabbing other people at the wedding. This girl, one side of her... The more she called out at the wedding, I don't agree that she'll get married. This girl, on one side of her face was an eight, and on the other side negative two. Wait, Drew, that had come to define her, and she, for some reason, had told herself she didn't need to address it. The left side of her face looked like the scenery from Jewel of the Nile. It was bad. You read WTF, you read WTF as what the fuck, but it's actually what the follicle. I waited three minutes for that. Finally, something just funny from Sal. We've been waiting hours. Can I tell... Hey, Bob, Bob, you're listening. Okay, Bob. I want to say... Hey, Bob, are you listening? Call in if you want. Bob, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you something. First of all, I understand your problem. I've been there. I had a woman once who had hairy nipples. Vic, you have been with the oddest collection of women ever. Like, where do you... Are you getting these from, like, you know, the traveling circus? Didn't you hear the last story? It's like, oh, big balls? I was with a woman who had huge balls. No, but I one time caught my girlfriend in the... I came in a little early, and she was in the bathroom. The door was half open, and she was plucking a couple wild nipple hairs. Wild? Wild! Wild! Wild! There were girls gone wild nipple hairs. There were margaritas and music. Jesus, keep the door closed. That thing's gonna get out. And I'll tell you, one of the nipples was yelling, show your tits. It was a wild situation, and I allowed... I didn't say anything, and I was actually... But I was encouraged because she was taking care of herself. So I think what, Bob, what you need to do is talk to your lady and be honest with her, and also be thrilled that she's got a lot of testosterone on her. I bet she's great in bed. Here's the thing. A guy. Can we just discuss Vic's discussion of girls with testosterone being better in bed? Yeah. So she's more manly, so sex is better. She is a sex drive. That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. No, no, no. Yeah. No. She's also got hairy balls, too. You know, that's when I like my women. Well, sometimes she puts Vic on top and uses him like a spinner. Because he's small. Can we get over the communication horse shit as well, by the way? Yeah. You can't tell your girlfriend she looks like Gargamel. You can't do that. No, you can do it tactfully. You would say, sweetheart, sweetie? You look like... I love you. Vic's the same guy yelling at his girl, go fuck me in the ass with your vagina. And let's go to my favorite video store afterwards. Yeah. I would say I love you very much. I think you're great. We have an honest and a beautiful relationship and I want to be honest with you. There's some hair growing on your face and I'd like to... You know, I'd like... I want... You know, I think it's... And wouldn't she respond, Vic, there's hair growing on every inch of you except your head. Vic and I have different philosophies about how to handle things. I like that. Yeah, I know. Vic and... What's the word I'm looking for? People have a different way of... I would tactfully tell your girlfriend she's repulsive. No, it's not about that. I love you to death. We're getting married. I can't wait. Yeah, let me tell you what's going to happen there. She's not going to... As soon as you say that first part and then you say the second part, she is never going to have heard that first part. Yeah, everything you say at the beginning gets canceled out when you go with that. Can I just say something? Women are resilient. Smile. This is going to be her. Look, Vic, pretend I'm her. Okay, pretend I am her. I'm her. And say this to me. And watch how I smile through the first part. Drew, I love you. I think you're beautiful. I married you. You're my soulmate. I love you too. And we both are... What we do is we take care of each other and we try to prove each other. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I just want to be honest with you that there's something I noticed on your face that I think would really... I would take care of that because you've got, you know, the mole. What about the mole? You know, that's what... You don't like attracted to people? Fuck you! I hate you! I hate you! I never want to see you again! I'm leaving. I'm going to sleep with your brother. You think you're perfect? That is that conversation. If we could have an honest relationship, then I'd have to, you know, communication, I'd have to reevaluate the whole thing. My advice to this... That's why you were dating... I wouldn't marry someone with a big hairy mole. Look... It's a deal breaker. I've got to have a love it or leave it approach, really, when it comes to relationships. Really, nobody's going to change. The man's not going to change. The woman's not going to change. The advice is you love it or leave it. You either love it and stay with her and marry her or you dump her, period. Wait until it gets long enough to use for floss. That's what I said, baby. And then she'll get the point when you pluck it out of her mouth. Most women will thank you for the help. Okay, all right. I do want to briefly interject. I totally disagree with you. Interject and then we're moving on to the next question. Chris, you got the last word. No, no, I was going to transition here. One of the reasons I was a little late, I should tell you that. Hopefully there won't be a part two to the story, but I was this close to getting in my first fist fight in about 10 years, literally 15 minutes ago. With the security guard? No, no, there's another blackout. They're one of these filthy street people just kind of shouting out. Those are the ones worth fighting, Chris. Yeah, those are the ones you want to get bitten by. So I walked past and I waved at the security guard because I've seen him now a couple times and I happened to have to glance in that street person's direction to do so. This was here? Outside your studio? This was walking into the studio. That's why they call it Skid Row. So he starts mouthing off to me and I turn around, not to be confrontational, but I'm not going to turn my back on some lunatic street person. No, you wouldn't want to do that. No, you want to face him and moon dance your way in. Yeah, that's not good. It got to the point where he came at me. He came at you? Luckily, we have a halfway awake security guard who intervened, but I'm not kidding. There's a reason I'm holding this pen and it's because I'd taken it off and I was going to jab it in his fucking eye. So hopefully that'll be the end of the story, but yeah, it was, I mean, it was this close. Another happy day on Skid Row. Damn, we don't have Ron Swallow to throw at him. Down on Skid Row. Okay, well, our next question. This one is a little more serious in nature. Oh, good, then it's for Vic. Yeah, but it doesn't mean we can't make fun of it. Okay. Okay. This one comes to us from Patrick in Vegas. Patrick wrote in on our site and said, my friend is always talking about killing himself. This has been going on for months. At first, we were all worried, but now we're just all kind of getting used to it. What should we do? Give him a rope. Is that too easy? Yeah. Or ask him how he wants to do it and say, fuck it, do it already, buddy. This isn't the same guy engaged to the woman with the hairy maul, is it? I don't think so. Tell him, yeah, shit or get out the pod. I like people always threatening you to suicide. I'll do it. I'll do it, man. The thing is, I'm not a tolerant individual. It's like, he waited long enough to get used to it. Like, the first time someone looks at me, I go, oh, really? You should call someone. The second time, I'm like, yeah, listen, I, you know. The problem is with suicide is you only have to mean it once. Once you mean it, that's it. So when this guy owes you any money, I would collect now. Can you remember people that, like, fail at suicide? Like, that's the worst. Like, you're the worst at everything. You're like, I suck at everything in my life. I'm such a failure. I'm such a loser. Then you try to kill yourself and you fail. You fail. That's why I am still alive. I'm amazed that people... I'm like, I'm not going to do this successfully. There's no way I'm trying. I'm amazed people fail because it seems so easy. Every day, I think of another way... Prove it. Prove it. No, we like Nick. Every day, I think of another way to off myself. Yeah, I mean, it's not that complicated. Oh, God, I would butcher myself. I would walk with a severe limp for the rest of my life. There's a bridge. I would do heroin before I killed myself. Just be honest. There's a bridge. You can do it by heroin. That's probably how I would do it. There's a bridge in Santa Monica. High as hell, and that's it. Over heroin. Done. My advice to this guy that wants to kill himself is to turn your back on a street person on 7th and Olive. Without a pen in your hand. We're not helping. The guy who talks about killing himself isn't who wrote in. It's for Patrick. So Patrick wants to know, you know, what should he do? The guy... It's a desperate ploy for attention. If you know anything about suicide, people are going to do it. They actually are methodical about it. They don't go around boasting about it. They give things away. They make preparations. They clean their house. Trust me. Yeah, I know how they... Trust Chris. He knows everyone who's committed suicide. My advice for Patrick is get him a present. A little notepad and pen. Go here. If you're going to go, you know, you should leave a note. I do agree with Chris in that sense. It's like Psych 101. Like anyone that's talking about it is just like, wants attention and is that big of a loser. Because if you really are serious about it, you're not telling anybody and you'll go do it. Let me ask this question. Let me ask this question. How come... How come nobody... Anytime somebody's suicidal, people say that they're crazy. Nobody questions the people around them. Let's say, for example, Edgar, Joan Rivers' husband, committed suicide. Maybe Joan Rivers was a psycho bitch. I actually don't think they're crazy. I think that's a bad word. I think they know exactly what they're doing. They know what they're doing. They're not crazy. Maybe this guy that wrote in is a total asshole. Maybe he needs to be a better friend. No. Maybe. But I do believe if we're going to get serious for one second... No, we're not. Go ahead. Some people do want to live. So it's like, suicide is like, all right, then go. Then I got a quicker space in the parking lot. I've always said, I got no problem with suicide. It's like, if I have a bad week, there's a good chance I'm jumping in a wood chipper in my backyard. You can't jump. I love myself way too much to kill me. This question is very heavy. I like you okay, so if you need somebody, I'm here for you. Thanks, he'll do it for me. You know what has me concerned? We're being light here, but we actually have someone's life in our hands. Who didn't ask for our help? No, I mean, I'm just saying this is a real serious question. I mean, someone could actually... Do it, Patrick. ...actually be killing themselves. Do it, Patrick. Yeah, but there's too many people as it is. He should have honest communication with his friends. This guy is... Is that what you're saying? I have no sympathy for their friends. I'm just saying, this man is... Hopefully they don't tell me off myself. No, here's what always is asked. If someone says that they're suicidal, the next question is, do you have a plan? Because this is how you investigate to see if the person's very serious. So I would suggest this guy ask your friend if he has a plan. If he doesn't, try and help him with a plan. Exactly. Get him one of those more vets. This is the uncaring Vic all of a sudden. I like it. I'd call a suicide hotline. You know, you can call the police, you know, and they'll come in and they'll arrest... They'll take him in on a... I think it's a psych... What is it? 51? 51-50? A Van Halen? I'd get him one of those notepads and say, sorry I was dead when you called. Can I just quote my favorite suicide joke of all time? Yes. From the movie Fletch. He goes, death by suicide. Tragic bow and arrow incident. We have to think about it. Like, how the fuck... He'd kill himself with a bow and arrow. That's interesting. For those under 30, Fletch was a motion picture starring Chevy Chase. For those under 30, Chevy Chase was on a show called Saturday Night Live. Actually, the other thing is, I think the other thing that Patrick can do and we'll leave it at this. Patrick, if you think that your friend is serious about it, at least get him to put in writing that if he has some cool shit you want, you know, get it in writing that you get it. Collect now. Patrick, don't ask us if you're serious. Yeah. Okay, now... You're the wrong people. Next question. This one comes... Next. That's advice, Patrick. Don't ask us for advice on whether or not you should remain... Yeah, this may not be the show for serious questions, but here's one. You got kids' blood on us. Actually, wait. He's our only viewer, so we should probably keep him. Don't kill yourself. Okay, hold on. We're moving on now. Here we go. This person wrote to us and says, I like to use the steam room at the gym. I find it very relaxing. My problem is that even though I'm straight, every time I'm in there, I get a major erection. Vic, you're not supposed to be writing in. Why'd you have to throw a gay voice in when you started? I take a steam room every time. It's a major. I steam it. He doesn't know that it's going to be a gay connotation. There's no gay connotation here. He says, I'm straight. Every time I'm in there, I get a major erection. There's just something about the steam room. I try to cover up with a towel, but it's still obvious. You should fuck the steam. I don't want to stop going, but is there anything I can do? And it's signed Paul from Parts Unknown. Is he from Parts Unknown or are his parts unknown? I'm guessing if he's got an erection in the steam room, his parts unknown. His parts are very well known. They sound pretty known, his parts. When you have to open up a sentence with, I'm straight, that means you're not. You think his best sense Wait a minute, Vic just started that by saying, I'm straight, but my favorite bookstore. His favorite video store, yes, we know. I'm straight and I'm gay except for this. I don't do, I'm not interested in men as for sex, but otherwise, I would say I'm gay. So when we did it, you weren't interested at all. You just used Gus? God, I feel so cheap. No, the sex part, I have no interest in any of you guys, but if we were to go get our nails and Is that why you don't look me in the face? Do a mani-pedi, I'm all in. I always see this guy like having sex with somebody and whenever he's about to cum, just steam just shoots out of his face. I like that it's a major. Well, no way. I think he's got, like, I like steam rooms, but I don't, I don't get aroused in them, but the thing is, I would be uncomfortable, like, and I'm not homophobic, but if I was in a steam room and a guy next to me had a raging heart on, then this is where I would leave the steam room. I thought you were going to say I'd get a raging heart on. I thought you were going to say, no. This guy should just enjoy the bench he gets to himself is what I'm thinking. Oh, he had a dropped call. Let me say, let me say this. Sal's a comic, Vic's a comic, Adam's a comic. You guys probably know Earl Skakel, right? Yep. He has a great story. This guy lives in West Hollywood. He owns a building, lives in the building, and he has a story. He goes to the, he goes to the fucking, is it Bally's? He walks in the steam room. There's a dude blowing another dude, and then there's another guy just kind of crashing. This is where? In a gym or like a gay bathhouse? I'm in the steam room in the gym. Not even a game. In Travolta's basement. So he turned, By the way, I am going to just interrupt real quickly. We had a call that got dropped, so call her if you want to call back. We're waiting for you. We have one caller that calls in. Please, one caller. Just call in. I think we scare people. Go ahead, Chris. So Earl walks in in Snakers, and the guy that's just off in the corner by himself says, hey man, you can't come in here in Snakers. Wait, we may have a call. Do we have a call? Oh, we have a call. Call her. Welcome to the show. You're on the air. It's the black man from downstairs. It's Jason Rohrbacher. Jason Rohrbacher. Oh, hey, Jason Rohr. What's happening, sir? Good to hear you. Hey, I need some bad advice. We're here for you. What do you got? All right. I got a buddy, and he's getting married, and it's in Vegas in August, so it's coming right up. Okay. It's going to be hot. I happen to know for a fact that the bride and groom that his wife to be has cheated on him recently. Oh. Ooh. Do I say anything? Okay. Well, I have something to tell you, but is there anybody else that wants to weigh in first? I say yes. Yes. How do you know this? Is there anyone you can tell your friends subtly that his wife to be is a whore? I have to give a disclaimer. I am not the person that she cheated with. How do you know that there's actual cheating going on? Well, the guy that she cheated with is also a buddy of ours. Okay, well, let me ask you this. What does the bride look like? That, that's just it. She's 26 and the groom is 45. Yeah, but what does she look like? She's a total cutie. Okay, then this is, this is a no-brainer. Don't tell him. Yeah. You don't want to tell him because he's going to be in for a fun ride. He's going to be so freaking depressed otherwise. Now, Is he not going to be depressed when he has to? Does he love her? Obviously, I think he does because he's getting married. That's your bad advice? If he loves her, don't tell him? No, no, no, no. That's ridiculous. My bad advice goes way beyond that. My bad advice is you catch this woman alone and you hit her with this. If she's that cute, get a little for yourself. Oh, yeah. Wait, Jason. That's the bad advice I needed. Jason, I think, you know, we need to be really specific here. The word cheating is such a broad statement. What did you do to him? If it was anal, it's not cheating. I don't know, man. We're all three. It's funny, but the truth is as far as I know, there was no, I believe it was just vaginal. It was my complete understanding. Jason, your buddy's about to marry a fucking whore. Do you want to let him know that she's not a whore? So let him know that she's a whore and let him make a decision. And he loves me. Do I say anything? What's your name? Jason. Let me tell you something, Jason. This is Vic. Jason, just so you know, Vic gets angry at least once every show and I think this is it. Jason, are you listening to me? I would hate to know that. I'm listening. Okay. Your friends are morons. Why don't you get a new pack of friends? Who fucks their, who fucks their fiance's guy? I did. Or girl, whatever. I don't understand you. I did. You are straight up, these people are. That was Sal, by the way. I'm thinking about not going to the wedding now for such morons. I wouldn't go. No, no, no. Don't listen to Vic. Don't listen to Vic. I want to tell you something. I don't know if this is a real, if this is a real call, is this a real call? Yes. Are you fucking with me? No. No, this is a real call. I really have a buddy who's getting married in August. I'm telling you right now, these guys are, they're just a bunch of animals. This is what this is. Why do you hang out with such animals? This is the real world. This is what people do. This isn't how people It may not be right, but people do this. People suck. I don't do shit like this. You're a comic. You do this. The part of Vic will be played by Vic's Jewish mother today. Okay, wait a minute. Let me ask a question. Who we hang around with is a reflection of ourselves, mister. Hold on, Vic. Hold on. Let me ask a serious question. By a show of hands, here on the panel, I will not rat you out, but by a show of hands, who here has knowingly slept with someone, you know, had sex with someone that they knew was either in a relationship or married? These are good friends. My hand is not up. I've never done the one doing the cheating. My hand is not up. So if they're doing the cheating, if it's on the girl, that's up to their, if she's like, if I come to a show and some girl's having trouble with her husband, she's like, I'm going to blow you now. What am I going to do? Oh, no, sorry. I don't want your blowjob. I don't know her husband and her past. That has nothing to do with you. That's not my karma. That's her karma. I understand, but let me ask you this. If I was cheating on my girl, that's my karma. That's my shit. But when the jealous husband comes to shoot you in the face, how's that karma conversation He should be talking to his wife. Talk to his fucking girl. It's not my fault. She's her. Most guys that actually are going to shoot you in the face, they deal with realism nicely. I do want to say that I've done that. I had a girl who, like, had cheated on her husband years and years ago, and she kind of needed that, you know, need to go through that to help her get a catalyst to get her. He's a miracle worker. She's still one of my best friends. Okay, but let me add on this one. What if a woman says, I need to blow you my husband the sheriff is never home. Would you still go for it? Yeah, probably. Okay, let me run this by you. Hold on. I'm not going to die. Let me stop. Sign out, guys. Listen, here's the thing. And Jason, I want you to consider this strongly before you think about saying anything to your friend. I think he hung up. Are you still there, Jason? I'm right here. Okay, listen to me. And this is important. Now I sound like Vic. Are you listening? If you tell your friend, okay, and then they somehow work it out, you are so not going to be a part of that, their lives at all, ever. You are never going to be invited to parties, Christmas. You are not going to be friends with them. She'll turn her husband against you. Absolutely. You will be the bad guy here. Drew, Drew, I have to ask you this question. You got it. If you were my buddy, would you want me to tell you? Well, that's tough. Drew hasn't had friends in years. Yeah. That's true. Honestly, here's the thing. I think you have to judge it. If you think that she is a good girl who loves him and just screwed up. She's a whore. You don't know that. I do know that. People can have bad moments. I just called her a whore. That's how I know. All right. Do you understand what I'm saying? You know this girl. Do you think she is like the kind who would continue to be a whore? Continue to do this or was it a one-time thing? Drew, where's your moral compass? My man. My understanding was a one-time thing, but now the rumors are flying and who knows what's real and what's a rumor. You and Mrs. Jones got a thing. I say, okay, but I stick by my advice to you. You take what you want, but I'm saying if you think that she could in fact, if she does love him and they can work it out, say nothing. Because if they do try and work it out and you say something, you are the one on the out. She's going to be cheating for all her life. And if she's hot and 25 and he's 40, do not ruin that guy's good time. Let me get this straight. So your advice to him is to make a decision on whether or not he just happened to catch the one time this whore wife actually cheated on him. Yes. Well, you're an idiot too. So is that guy and this chick is a whore. You should listen to Drew's first advice. Hook up. Then after that, then tell the husband. My turn. I'll say this. Here's what I would do if I was, this is David, right? Jason. Jason. Sorry. Jason, go to the girl. Tell her that, you know, and tell her if she doesn't fuck the shit out of your friend every goddamn day. That's what I said. That was my opening advice. Okay. I want to thank Chris for waking up. There's a part two. Then go and tell your friend. You guys are truly giving me some bad advice. Thank you. Then go and tell your friend what you know. Vegas is a good place to do it. You can always get rid of a body in the desert. I know how to say help me bury this body in 17 different languages. So that he can be the recipient of all that great 25, 26-year-old sex and then drop her before you reach the 10-year mark when she can take you for half of what you're worth. Jason. That's the reason. I have one last piece of advice. Jason, there's one other thing you can do. Are you close with the friend that's getting married? Is he a good friend? That's the thing. He is my close buddy and I don't know the girl so well. Okay. Then this is perfect. Then here's what you do. I'm going to change my thing. You do tell him. You try and make him understand that, okay, look, I heard this, but this isn't the end of the world. It just means she has a very strong sexual appetite and suggested the three of you have a threesome. If it were you, Drew, would you want to know? Yes, he would. No. No. No, no. I would always want to know. I would hate to not know. All variables mean the same. Not if I was in love. If I was in love and I was having fun with this person, no, I wouldn't want to know. First of all, Jason, keep the good times happening. These guys are going to really dislike what I'm about to say. I already do. No, but I like women. Okay, this is, I'm going to let Vic probably have the last word because we're going to have to move on because we only got six minutes left. Jason, your friend needs to grow up. A 45-year-old man with a 26-year-old woman. Oh, I'm going to cut Vic off. That is crazy. Cut that shit off. Turn off his mic. Turn off his mic. I'm sorry, I knew they're not going to like this. That 26-year-old is a baby. She has not had any life experience and your 45-year-old friend is obviously a little Peter Pan. Okay, listen, I'm cutting this off right now and this is the last word. You are not allowed to talk anymore, Vic. Here's the thing. Just, I want to thank Vic for being on the show, but Chris, I need you to point that homeless guy out because I'm going to have him stab Vic. All right, because I'm 50 and if I can have a 25-year-old, yay. That's what I'm going with. Yay. So, Jason, I wish you luck. Have fun in Vegas. Win some money for me, buddy. Hey, thanks for all the bad advice, guys. Appreciate it. All right, we'll talk to you next week. Let us know how it goes. See you. Drew, you look like 65. Thank you. All right. Well, okay. We got enough time for another question or two and then... Well, there's not another caller. Not yet. Caller number two gave up on us. I also like that the one caller we have, you guys know his first and last name. He said it. Jason's a friend of the show. Yeah, he's Drew's roommate. It's good practice that we limit all calls to nine minutes a piece. Sorry, guys. We're getting a call from my father. He's calling. Hey, Dad. No, okay. Our next question, this one... Nothing to do with the show. This one I can relate to. This one, it comes to us from Claire in Lake Balboa. Claire wrote in and said, my high school grade son recently went on a date with a special needs girl from her school. I know this shouldn't make me uncomfortable, but it does. Does this make me a bad person? No, but his karma is way up. That is karma right there. He's dating a... I don't know. Is it good or bad karma? Wait, I want to know what special needs mean. It's such a broad statement. What does that mean, special needs? Does that mean like she has no arms or legs? Does that mean she's retarded? What does that mean? Special need for penis. That is a good woman. Go for it, son. She didn't elaborate, but I'm assuming when I think special needs, I think that, you know, probably mentally challenged. She's got the shakes and gives an amazing handjob. No, you know what? She took the small bus to the date. Retarded girls have big butts. All of them? Yes. Really? So let's go... Wasn't there a more politically correct way of saying big butts? What do you mean politically? I like big butts and I cannot lie? It was tarted and tarted again. No, retarded, isn't there another way of saying that? It's kinder. Does it make her a bad person? Retarded. The mother? If that it bothers her. I don't think so. I think... Well, it depends what the son... If the son's... Yeah, why is he doing it? If the girl is a mute and he's only having sex with the girl so she can't scream for help, then yes, that's a problem. And the good news for the woman is that she's not as bad of a person as her son is. So that's good news for her. Also, is the son doing it just for the story? Like, hey, guys, I got tonight on last week. I fucked Melissa. I fucked the only girl from the special needs. I fucked the chick with the helmet. I told her that her pussy was her ass and her ass was her pussy. It was great. Because you're wearing a helmet, you could actually punch her in the head as you're banging her from behind. It's awesome. Too far. Too far, guys. Wow. No, no, no. You're almost there. You're almost there. I love you guys. Ken, as Vic is disgusted, Ken's like, no, no, not far enough. Truth is, if she has a good person, I would consider being with someone with special needs. I mean, if she were... We rarely do a story where you would not consider being with the person. We're talking about people that have a choice to be with someone who doesn't have special needs. That's what we're talking about. I mean, she might have a sweet smile and a mole with hair growing out of it, but as long as you have open and honest communication. Maybe her special needs is like she really needs big cock. You know, like, that's how retarded she is. She just needs huge, massive... I think I dated her. I believe I dated her for a while. I think if it was good enough for the people in the family, it was good enough for Claire. Okay, we got two minutes, so I'm going to do one more question for just quick minutes. This one, this one I think is interesting, so let's do this and then we'll say our goodbyes. This one comes in from Marcus and Downey. Marcus wrote in, my wife's and I's best friends recently asked us to be the godparents of their child. Although it will probably never come into play, we really don't want the responsibility. Is there any way to say no without hurting the friendship? No. You say no. What a great question. No, no. It is a great question, but here's the thing. I think that... First you bring me out, then you bring me right back in. Look, they say you can't, you know, take your money with you, but there's nothing that says you can't take your kids. I think you should have a little clause, like up until the kid's 18, if something happens to you, kids get, you know, buried with you. Kind of like they did in Egypt with the servants in the pyramids. Yes, exactly. I don't even get what a godparent is. Let's say I have kids and I make you the godparent. If I die, if something happens to me and the wife, the kids go to you. Now, I understand the kids need a place to go, but if the kids get... What if the kids really like you? What if they kill off their parents just so they can spend more time with you? That's risky. Well, that wouldn't be so bad. That means it's going to not be so cool. You know, you could be a godparent, but be a really shitty godparent. Yeah, but if the kids got rid of the parents, at least they're still fairly well adjusted. Like, if the kids lose their parents, these are going to be some damaged kids. Yeah, these kids have baggage right off the bat. Because they want to live with you. Kids who've killed their parents are easier to work with than those whose parents die by accident. You don't want that responsibility and you're going to get kids with baggage. That's tough right off the bat. Yeah, it's like going shopping in the supermarket. You don't buy the dented cans. If the kids are 18, it's perfect. Yeah, only agree if they're 17. That way you have like a year. If they're female and 18, yeah, then I'll accept the responsibility. If they're kids, you can't. The question was, can I tell them, is there any way I can tell them? No, you can't. You have to say yes and then put like, pin a sign on the kid. And then pray that you don't die. Yeah, then pin a sign on the kid that says anything happens to the parents, please exterminate. I would say, okay, here's my advice. And here's how you can help. Well, I don't know if it'll help the friendship, but you can say, listen, I'm honored, yes, but before we do this, there's something you should know. I am a registered sex offender. I would just say, I would just say, I would not want to be part of that. We got 20 seconds, so we got to say our goodbyes. Listen, go to vickcohen.com. Yeah, check out my stuff. And if you want sympathy, very funny stuff. B-I-C-C-O-N-E-D. Adam Richman, you playing somewhere? Adamrichmancomedy.com. I'm always playing. Okay. I'll be performing at the Gaslamp in Long Beach this Tuesday. Sweet. I want to thank everybody. Thanks for joining us. And. We'll see you next week. Time flies. I know. The show is too short. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.!