News stories and listener advice with panel

Hello, everybody. Welcome to an all-new episode of Bad Advice. You are hearing us on Skid Row Studios as well as XM Extreme Talk Channel 165. I want to welcome all our listeners. I am your host, Drew Marks. I am joined, as I am every week, by a panel of very funny people. Let me get started by introducing who I have with me this week. We have Ken August, host of the weekly wrap-up. Happy to be here. And Marie Delpretti. Hello. She looks lovely as ever. She's got a new haircut. I do. Looking hot, Marie. It looks like a tumor on the side of my head. It's a little side bun. Very cute. We have a returning person. Gary O'Neill is here. Yes, thank you for having me back. It's happy to have you here. And host of... We have Rick Ischieta. Yeah, that's right. Did I say that right? You said that exactly right. Ischieta. I'm like half Jewish, half whatever he is. How'd you pull that off? I don't know. I practiced for a day and still fucked it up. I was always calling him Ischieta. Yeah. We're the head of Rick Ischieta. Black kids, when I was young, black kids used to call me Spaghetti. Spaghetti? So in other words... Marie, what did they call you? Spaghetti. Rick Spaghetti. I don't know if I would have called him... Are you Italian? No, but they would just say... Because they couldn't say Ischieta. They just said Spaghetti. Oh, I thought you were insinuating that they wanted to eat. No, yeah. They're just going to say... What a stupid kid. I know. You looking good over there, Spaghetti. Yes, Spaghetti. Yes, Spaghetti. Yeah, your prison cellmate name. Well, now, I do want to thank... We have a sponsor for Bad Advice, so I want to make sure I thank those people. We're sponsored by Audible.com. Now, Audible.com, you can get a free book download. It's great. You can get it for your computer, for your smartphone, your tablet, whatever. And if you want to get a free book of your choice, what you do is when you go to Audible.com, under checkout, you want to write in audibletrial.com slash skid row, and you get a free book. So I want to welcome our sponsor. And also, since you're going to audible.com and doing that audibletrial.com slash skid row, make sure you check out the books because we like to be involved. So the people here at Bad Advice also have books on Audible, and I want to make sure you pick some of those up. These are books you might not have otherwise heard of. We got Ken August over there, author. The bestselling book, People and Other Things I Don't Need. I don't like them. We have Rick Esqueta, who has his book. She loves me just not as much as other guys. Thank you very much. Take a lot of pride in that. I like Marie's book though. That's disgusting, but I'll try it. Oh, you know me. You really know me. We also have a special book for Gary. It's not true that black people are always late, but all the other stuff, totally true. That's right. What time it is. What time it is. Yeah, Gary got here before me, so. I know, it's amazing. No, Gary's great that way. Well, Marie, you are our resident black guy. I am. I even have the bootay. She does. I don't check out black men's asses, but I'll make an exception for you today. Thank you. I believe very little of that. It's weird. They're both in shape, and yet Marie has a bigger ass than Gary. Yeah. He's like 6'4". That's because my ass is all in the front. Oh, you got frontal ass lope. I get it. Now we're waiting. I think momentarily, Christy McHugh will be here, another very funny comic, and I'm afraid, you know, we don't, she'll miss this joke, but her book, don't forget that one. It's not me, it's you. Oh, my gosh. It's a nice one. All right, well, if you're unfamiliar with Bad Advice, we're the show, it's an advice show, but it's sort of the anti-advice show, and Bad Advice, it's the show where the advice is free and worth every penny, so if you've got questions, make sure you like us on Facebook. You can send your questions to the Bad Advice Facebook page. You can follow us on Twitter at Drew's Bad Advice. We also now have a new website that's in the process of being designed, also Drew's Bad Advice, so just go to drewsbadadvice.com. You can leave your questions there, and we'll answer them on the air. All right, you guys ready? Yeah. We're going to start with some news stories. These are people that I feel could have benefited from advice, but were just too stupid or lazy to ask, but we're here to help them, so we're going to start with Natalie Heil. Natalie Heil is accused of charging rent for a home that she didn't own. That works? You can do that? I like this chick. So far, she's brilliant. I think half my family did that. Yeah. Look, where I'm from, where I'm from, that's called pimping. Right? Pimping homes. Pimping homes, right? Well, okay, it says, officials in Palm Beach, Florida, say Natalie Heil didn't let the little technicality of not actually owning the home she was renting out stop her from collecting $13,000 from two tenants. The home was in foreclosure and had been vacant since 2011. They can accept for two women who were paying her $1,500 a month to rent after answering an ad that she put on Craigslist. This has been going on since 2007, 2008. Really? Is that a question? That's true. That's a fact. That is a fact. You know people that are doing this? Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. I've seen people. I know people who've done this. I like this part. When they arrested her, she said she told authorities she thought she had possession of the house. Oh, wow. This isn't my house. This is mine. Oh, I'm sorry. You know why? I mean, you can convince yourself of anything, so I believe her. You can apparently convince other people of anything as well. When they got there, she was like, I own it. Yeah, my shit's in there. All my shit in there. That's my dog. See, the house next to me is vacant. Now, what do you mean? Well, Gus likes to call it the taken house. We hopped the fence and walked through there once and there's, you could still see the remnants of things that have died in that house. Oh, wow. Can I just say that that made you so attracted to me right now that you hopped the fence? That's awesome. You too, Drew? I did. That's hot. He didn't know. Without a chance. Really, what did I do? I walked through it? He made me hop back over and carry him over the fence. Oh, wow. That's why, look, that's why white people are always getting killed in them fucking movies. That ain't the reason. Fence hopping? Yeah, y'all don't mind your own fucking business. And then want to play the victim when that man come through the door. If Chris Dorner was better at hopping fences, he wouldn't be extra crispy right now. Yeah. I did order him extra crispy, though. That was nice. No, he should have just fucking left when they shot that juice up in here. Pow! I would have been like, see ya. I think my advice, by the way, in this story would be to everyone who's not this woman, why are we all not doing this right now? I know. This sounds like a great business opportunity. This woman doesn't get $13,000. Who says there's not employment opportunities in this country? Do you know what I mean? Obama should be pushing this. You know what? Another thing they do, there are some empty houses out there, and people go in there and act like they're the tenants, and when the real estate agent comes and says, the bank will give you cash for keys for this house, say $5,000 and $10,000. They do this? They do this. The person says, all right, I'm a tenant, but I don't know where the owner's at, and so just sign away, and they get $5,000, $10,000. Yeah, because all you have to do is have mail sent there, basically. No, not even that. Is it racist that I'm looking at this going, how do the two minorities know this, and the other three people are like, seriously, this is real? It's a game. It's a game in our world. But is it dumb for me that they just, he just explained that, and I still don't know what's going on? First of all, that sucks. Yeah, that's crazy over there. I'm so sorry, Christy's not here to go, really, and I'm the blonde? Yeah. That's crazy. I'm starting to question why my landlord lives in a dumpster out back. I keep paying that guy. I don't understand why that happens. That's what happens when you have too much ass. Go ahead, man. People just give you shit. That's all. I like that. No, my advice is... She understands that part. Got it. Good. No, my advice is people should back off, because, look, there's no harm, no foul. No one's, like, these people, as long as they're, like, if she's a good landlord, who cares if it's not her house? Now, if I was the government, I'd be like, look, do what you do, but just fucking cut me in, you know what I mean? Right. Paying the tax. Is she paying taxes? If you were the government, you'd probably be white, first of all. Yeah, exactly. But I will say this, and I don't know if you guys know this, you're all being charged by me $10 a minute for these microphones. He doesn't know in the studio, but that's all right. That's fine. He'll never know. Look, that's true, too, actually. Do you take a check? Do you take a check? No, no, no. I know the checks are such good ways to pay today, huh? I'll give you a check. Remember, he's on time, but the other stuff is totally true. My real name is Harvey Firestone. Hey, I'm Italian. I like cash. Give me cash. I always have cash in my wallet. Yeah, but you're also the person that, if they were late on the rent, you'd be smacking them in the knee, you would have backed. I can already see that. Where the fuck is my money? This is my house, bitch. Hey, there was a story like that yesterday about a landlord smacking somebody's ass because they didn't pay the rent. Really? And the other person was suing for sexual harassment. But I think it should be allowed. I wish that would happen to me. I want to sue somebody. Hey, listen. Oh, I thought you wanted somebody to smack your ass. I'm like, well, that we could work on. You got four right here. Five counting Nick. Excellent. No, I just want to sue somebody. There she is. There she is. Hey, come on. Come on in. Nope, wrong way. It's okay. Not only is she late, she doesn't know where we are. Yeah, it's all right. I mean, we're right here. Welcome, Chrissy. It's called a door. Yeah. There he goes. She found her way in. Applause. Pretty tricky. Pretty tricky. Our African-American white woman has shown up. Thank you for being late because I'm usually late so you make me look good. I love it. I love it. You're not that late. Way to throw in a zoomer. Chrissy, put on the headphones. Pull down the mic. There you go. Let's grab it. Before you went, oh, wow, that's bitchy. No, I know Chrissy. Put the tip close to your lips. Yeah. The tip. Yeah, you want to stay right up close to the mic because you'll sound the best. Say hello to the people. Rick, you weren't talking to me, were you? You didn't shave today. I warmed them up and they're pretty disgusting right now. Nice. That was Saturday. I know. We need warm up for that, I'm sure. Not much. Well, Chrissy, you missed our first story so we're just going to move on. The first story was... Oh, can I hear it again? Okay, well, we'll tell you what it is but... If you have a quick comment, this woman was renting a house to these two women. She put an ad for tenants on Craigslist. The only thing was it wasn't her house. So after she collected 13 grand, she got arrested. No, she explained it because she was confused. She thought she owned it even though there was no actual... I could have sworn I bought that house. You think this ain't my house? She likes weed. Well, in that case, Gus owns lots of houses. I do, I have a lot of houses. And I do believe that's my car you came out of. That's one of my houses. Well, our next story, this is Tina Rucker. Tina Rucker, age 42, was arrested for allegedly choking Roger Bean, age 49, after Bean hogged the blanket they were sharing in bed. Police said when they arrived, Bean had obvious signs of being choked and was bleeding on his neck where Rucker's nails had held him down. The report noted that Rucker was, highly intoxicated and did not cooperate with the police. But, this wasn't Rucker's first arrest or domestic violence charge this week. So, what's the problem here? Where's that, Marie? Who's choking who? The man or the woman? What's the problem? That's the thing. The woman choked the shit out of the guy. Oh, the woman? I've heard of run for cover, but Jesus. Marie's real name is Rucker? Is that what I'm getting from this? Well, you know that movie, Paranormal? Yeah. I mean, the woman standing over the guy for like all this time lapse and they think it's weird. I don't think that's weird. That shit was sexy to me. You know what I mean? She was dying his death. That's what she was doing. That shit was so fucking sexy. I thought so too. You thought that was sexy. All right, hold on. Chrissy, you wanted to say something and then we'll address this sexy thing. You got something here? No, I was wondering what he did to deserve that. He stole her blankie. Oh, what's that? He hogged the blanket. We're hogging the blankets. Selfish, selfish man. Yeah, it sounds like Miss Rucker has a penis and a beard. The fuck is my blanket, bitch? I know, right? I like that it wasn't her first arrest this week. I like that it wasn't her first arrest this week. This week is nice. Yeah, I'd like to hear a backstory on that lady too. Did they all get related arrests or what were they all? It doesn't say. Different. He stole her towel. He stole her napkin. I hate it when my husband uses my towel and I come out of the shower and it's wet and he goes before and he's like, oh, I know it's your towel. But do you choke him and dig your nails into his neck? If I could, I would. If he wasn't so scared and hiding behind the locked door, yes. She didn't walk around with a gun. Plus, there's no need to. He's chained to the same wall. See, that whole sexy thing. I had a nice girlfriend that would stare at me while I slept. She's like, I like watching you when you sleep. And I'm like, I have to move while she's at work because, no, that creeped me out. There was nothing sexy about it. You thought she was gonna... I think that shit is so fucking sexy. I'm weird. I like chains and chicken blood. I like watching shit like that. Santaria. I like watching you and holding these pliers on your dick. Hey, look, with the... With the bass in your voice, I would really like to invite you over. I love doing that. See, if you had a guy that was just staring at you sleep, would you think that was sexy or stalker? I kind of feel protected. I kind of like it. Yeah. Okay, what if it was... Okay, what if it was me... I woke up in the middle of the night and he was just staring and I was like, what's going on? He's like, I can't believe I'm here with you. See, that's so sweet. Okay, but my question is, what if it was me and I was outside your window? Okay. Well... I'm on watch 0600. I'd allow you, but Vic, probably not. Oh, no. Vic, here's the thing. He's little. He would be under the blanket staring and you would never know it. It'd be like one of those little creatures popping out. You have to come back to see for the Vic experience. Who's Vic? He's our little... Oh, my God. ...happy gnome that just yells at people. Yeah, he's a regular on the show. Hey, I'm on watch 0600. Listen, when I first met him, he was talking about putting carrots and sticking cell phones in his asshole. He still does. Yeah. He drew it back for that episode, actually. But he also loves to hit on every woman on the show or on the street or on the internet or alive. Yeah. Or a thing. Any dog. So somebody has to pick up the slack and hit on Christy because she's hot. Hey, baby. Is he vertically challenged? Yes. Okay, got it. He's also follically challenged. Oh. Unless you're talking about his back. Yeah, exactly. Then it's a carpet. By the way, Vic, if you're listening, we do love you and miss you terribly. He is totally. He is totally. His head. Look, his head looks like a well-groomed testicle. Oh, my God. He'd be so mad if he was here right now. You know how when you squeeze your nuts at him, At least you didn't say a Jewish testicle because then he would get very upset. You can't even say that he's Jewish or the word Jewish. He gets very angry. I mean, he's Jewish. Don't call me that. I can't make fun of Jewish people because I'm still trying to get on fucking TV. So. Smart man. But you know what? You know, getting back to the other story, like when my husband kisses me, he keeps his eyes open. And when I, when I. Because he doesn't trust you. Because he doesn't trust you. Exactly. I wouldn't trust you. Yeah, fuck it. I'd have two people with their eyes open. Okay, I'm going to make love to my wife Marie here. So please watch her. Watch her hands. Seriously, if I spent the night with you and I slept, I would paint wide open eyeballs on a pair of sunglasses. I'd be like one of those, you know, the butterflies that have those wings that look like eyes. The scarapetters. That's what you need with you. Look, either that or I would. I love that. Either that or I'd put fucking toothpicks in my eyelids. Have you guys noticed I don't blink the whole hour you're here? Good, good. Listen, you could fucking hurt me because once everybody sees it, it was you that hurt me. Oh, okay. She's cool. You know. See? Let her fuck you up. Yeah. Well, they may still be. You're the guy with the ass on backwards also, so. And I pee out of it too. Excellent. Standing up. That's the weird part. Exactly. That's the only way to pee. My husband says he keeps his eyes open because he likes to look at me, but. That's what I would say too. That is sweet. Is that scary? That's sweet. That's a lot sweeter than I'm fucking terrified of you. Well, now I'm going to yell at him because I think you're right. Sorry, buddy. I know you're a fan of the show. You don't trust me. His life has gotten so much worse because he listens to the show every week and I get the occasional emails from Marie's husband. He's like, I love the show, but my home life is sucking. With the occasional help me, please. I know. S.O.S. Written in blood. Mayday. Mayday. Is this a finger? Why did he send a finger in here? I want to remind everybody you are listening to us on Skid Row Studios as well as Extreme Talk XM channel 165. On Extreme Talk XM 165 you hear us 10 p.m. Eastern time every Saturday night. As well as I think some other replays, but I'm not smart enough to know when those are. No, I don't even know what you're talking about, but you're not smart enough. All right. Well, moving on. Our next story. This one, this is a good mother. Now, are you like active in your kids' school stuff in PTA? Yes. Not PTA, but because there is none for like preschool. I mean, if there was, I don't know. But if you're asking if she takes her kids to school, yeah. I drop them off. That's enough, isn't it? But see, if I was her teacher, if I was your kid's teacher, I would lie just to get you to fucking come in. Billy is fucking up in class. We lost your kid. Ah, he's kidding. Come on. Oh, there he is. The male teachers are a lot more nicer than the female ones. Of course. I mean, they're good. They invite you in like it's kind of hot in here. You should wear a skirt or something. You give your kids special treatment, don't they? Yeah, a little. Yeah, Ricky does. Ricky totally gives Wolfie special treatment. Wolfie is your? Yeah, my kid. Wolfie? Wolfie? Wolfie? Yeah. His name is Wolfgang. Really? Wolfie? That's what we call him? Oh, my dog. Oh, wow. Well, Wolfdog, I could see that. And the teacher's Ricky? Ricky, yeah. He's awesome. Oh. Ricky's email. I'm going to get another email. I coach. I coach private all sports. I assume Ricky is just as fucking scared of you as your husband. Probably, probably. All right. Well, here's the story. This is in Albany, New York. Police say a mother who got on stage and started to strip during an upstate New York school assembly is facing child abuse. Child endangerment and lewd discharges. Police say the 24-year-old Adria Meters was arrested at North Albany Academy. They say school staff told them the assembly was halted and the cafeteria cleared after Meters began dancing on stage and took off her clothes. Hold on. What did she discharge? What came out of this woman? I heard discharge in here somewhere. Oh, wow. No. Did I not hear that? No. I don't think I said discharge. What was she charged with? What happened? No, she was charged. She was stripping. What are you, Vic this week? No. I got Vic's back hair, my ears. He was thinking about that woman you were with last night. I heard discharge. I heard discharge. The woman got on stage during a school assembly and these were for, it says, eighth grade. Nice. All right. Nice. No, the school is kindergarten through eighth grade. So they had kids kindergarten through eighth grade. This woman just got up on stage during the school assembly where all the kids were there and proceeded to go, look at me, and started to strip. Yeah. This almost happened to me. Was she a teacher? A parent? No, a mother. A mother. But that's cool. And a damn good one. Did she get charged? Did she get arrested and charged? What did she get charged with? Public lewdness. Fuck. Yeah, public decency. And child endangerment. Here's the thing. Child endangerment. Were the kids in any danger? Well, don't be. Did you see what she looked like? Yeah, exactly. The only thing they were in danger of was discovering themselves a little bit earlier than they were supposed to. Why is he using his hand right now? All I could think of. Gary is making hand gestures. But it wasn't even discharged from the kids. It's a little kid. It's like a little. I know. Your hand is like, gigantic. I doubt it. Gary was making those hand gestures before this story. Exactly. All I could think of is that 13-year-old. Those 13-year-old boys that get to see that. That 24-year-old woman now going home and just talking to each other. Dude, we saw her naked. Or they're saying to their mothers like, why don't you do that? Yeah. Not only that, but there are other people that are busting their kids into this fucking school hoping that it happens again. They'll get more money this school. I don't know what the hell they're complaining about. It'll raise the numbers. Or maybe the kids. By singles? By single dollars? What do you mean? How? How much more money are you raising? Every dollar counts. Maybe the mother was confused and she thought this was part of the Head Start program. No child left behind. You think the kid... Yes, I went there. You mean this isn't sex ed class? You think the kid with that mom went home and was just staring at the TV? Fuck. You know, yeah, that kid, that was a weird car ride home. You know, like... What the hell just happened? How are those car rides, Marie? Other kids are coming to the school. That kid is coming to the school. Other kids trying to get the hell out. Here's the thing. None of those kids went home with lunch money. You know? I was waiting... Hey! Show us your ass! Yeah, Bobby's mom. Come over here. I got something for you. I was waiting for Marie with her New York accent to play the role of the girl going up on stage going, what's the matter with this? What are you looking at? You never saw tits before! You're more than nasty, you stupid bastards! Oh, man. How's that? That was great. You see it? I'm telling you. I can't remember what you only slightly aroused him. I got turned on. My penis started undoing my jeans for me just now. My dick is so confused. Go keep... Keep going, Mr. O'Brien. Keep going! Yeah, that's right. I'm the 13-year-old boy. Keep going! The first time in history the school band is going... Right? The gym teacher is in there with no drawers on under his sweatpants. He might have been like that anyway, actually. Mr. Woodcock. All of his penises are going... Oh, yeah. They're all Mr. Woodcock. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. I think my advice is, listen, for the school system, for all the, you know, school board, you want parents to be more involved, stop bitching about it. You got what you asked for. Exactly. Put a stripper pole on the stage. That would be awesome. My only request is just if the women want to get naked, please be in shape. Yeah. Yeah, that could be a little bit messy. Says the man with the backwards ass. How do I? Okay, good. That I pee with? Well, you know, all you men want us to be perfect, but you guys can have sloppy shit hanging off the sides of everywhere. Yeah, because we're paying for fucking everything. You're paying for everything? I like you guys. There's a place. Hold on. Did I Christy talk? I knew I should have worn black today. Get him, Christy. Go ahead. You want... No, I'm good. You can beat him. Yeah. You pay for everything? Are you married? No, I have a girlfriend, but I take care of her. You pay for everything? Damn near. Damn near? Damn near. The backtrack. The backtrack. Damn near. Everything except for the stuff. I don't buy her underwear and shit like that, but the general needs that she has, I take care of them. Dinner. The fuck is dinner? Every night. You gotta eat. No. No, that's how he keeps her in shape. If you don't feed him... Yeah, we go to Costco. Yeah. What's wrong with you? My girl is not in shape. His girl actually works as a stripper at an elementary school. Exactly. Okay. Well, our next story, this one is actually for Gary. Oh. Actually, no, I'm kidding. Must have to do with some white people. That's our resident black guy on the show today. This is Early Johnson. I just love this guy's name. Early Johnson. Early Johnson. Always late. Which is like, you know he was named after the day he was conceived. He came out of the church. Woke up, man, I got me an Early Johnson. His uncle's name is Morning Wood. That's nice. That's so awesome. I figured he came out dick first. That was... Is there any more or are we just... What was his wife called? Backpump? I mean, enough said, right? That's awesome. I know. Next story. I got this story. Early Johnson loses $7,500 African-American porn collection in theft. Apparently, Early Johnson said his porn collection was stolen from his home in Muskegon, Michigan. The porn robbers broke through Johnson's back door and stole not just his porn but three flat screen television sets. If I may say, I believe Johnson's back door was also one of the porns, by the way. I have the name. It gets better. And those televisions says ain't nothing without the porn. This story does get better. It says, Johnson 43 estimates his collection is worth around $7,500 especially because it features hard-to-get porn and it's hard to get films dating back to the 1970s featuring African-American adult actresses. He quotes, I had a collection that had every African-American that's ever been in porn from the 70s up till now. My collection was the best in Michigan. You know how I know? A guy in Connecticut told me that. Well, there you have your stealer. Oh, man. I've heard a lot of black women did porn. Yeah, well, I mean, fuck you asking me for it. As early, as early Johnson. That's true. Drew has more experience with porn. I'm just the black porn consultant. I mean, you know, if you want to ask questions about my person only. You know what? Everybody on the show knows I worked in the business for six years. Yeah. There were, there were like, like porn actresses. Not a lot of them. So his collection, not that extensive. Yeah, not $7,500 worth, right? No. Not unless it was reel-to-reel. He had fucking DVD, a beta. Yeah. VHS DVD. I mean. Signed by the actors themselves. Yeah. Here's the funny thing. I like how this guy had shit to read to that. Yeah. What's that? The guy from Connecticut came to visit? Well, that's, yeah. How do you know you have the best collection in Michigan? Because a guy from Connecticut told you that. They're the meter. Yeah. That's that new reality show. He's like, yeah, all your shit is good. But here's the funny, I like this. He describes himself as the Hugh Hefner of Muskegon. But he says, Muskegon needs a Hefner, by the way. He says, he isn't letting this tragic loss define him. He says, he's already gone out and purchased a brand new HD 3D TV so he and his fiance can watch Blu-ray, Blu-ray, Blu-ray movies in 3D. Oh, wow. Just telegraph so somebody can come rob your ass again, you stupid bastard. Right? Seriously. And you're sitting over right by the door. The alarm code is. He says, I'll be getting my porn in Blu-ray. He said, the haters ain't gonna stop me from collecting again. No, he must've got, he must've got a big ass income tax check. That's why he talking big. I don't think he's got a big ass. No, you know why he's saying this? This is great. He said that he has one supporter out there, at least. One porn industry insider is coming to his aid. Says, Miles Coolidge, who owns Monarchy Distribution, a porn company responsible for films with names like Choco Taco 3, Double Fudge Brownies 2, also a good one. And Homegirls 3 has offered to help Johnson by giving him one copy of every title in the catalog. I've been looking for those. So, I bet he didn't even have the collection to begin with. I know. That's a racket. It sounds like a sticker. Here's the thing. The names, Choco Taco 3, Double Fudge Brownie 2, and Homegirls 3, I like how. Double Fudge Brownie. Actually, he dips a little into the Latin demographic there as well. The Choco Taco and the, what's the other one? But you know what's funny? Me, as being a black, I don't like, I don't like black women in porn. I mean, I like Latinos and just fucking just straight up white women. Why are you racist, man? That's a little racist. No, it's not racist. I prefer to watch that. What about midgets? Here's the thing. Oh, midget porn. I am so attracted to fucking watching midgets. Really? Yes. So, are you not attracted to black women? Christine's looking at him like, you seem normal. What's wrong with you? You're attracted to black women, but you don't want to see them, you want to see them in the mother role and they're, like, perfect. No, my thing of it is, white chicks are four bags, right? Madea. Madea. Stop it. You're sluts. I mean, no, I'm just kidding. No, my thing is, it's the fantasy that I'm, you know, I'm attracted to because I can fuck a black woman anytime. Oh, you think you got that on speed dial? Really? He's got it on speed dial. Anytime, anytime, anytime. Out there, we got a test right now. We have a black woman. We have a black woman. Anytime, anytime. Anytime. Anytime. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We only got 30 minutes. We just woke up. I can have sex with a black woman, like, I mean, because that's, not any black woman. Wait, so you're saying not any black woman, just a black woman. Yeah. Because we had one, so we were going to ask. I think, hey, I think that goes, hey, wait a minute. I think that goes for all of us in this room. Any black woman. We could all have any black woman we want. We would. But the fantasy is outside of a black woman. I will say this. The way Choco Tacos 2 ended, we all knew there was going to be a third one. Yeah, yeah. It was a cliffhanger. Why did it make the Oscars? I don't know. All right. Shouldn't we ask her if, like, she would like to hit that? Is that true? Let's ask Klee. Who's mic should I get on? You can get on my mic. Let's take this mic from me. Let's see. Let me take you in because I've never seen you before. He's got a butt on his stomach. Yeah, he said his butt's in front. It's not on my stomach. It's on his chest. Um, I'm going to go ahead and disagree. Gary, one down. He just pointed out why he prefers to watch white women over... But any black one, not so much. Okay, so he first... Okay. He just served. See, now, if she heard that earlier story, you better be careful because if you even hog the mic, she'll choke you out. Yeah. And I'll stand over it with a bat. Yeah. I will be a punk and call the fucking police. These are rough women here. Just because of what the fuck she said, I will call the police. I'll make up some shit for them to come get her ass. All right, what we're going to do... Okay, we'll see you in a bit, Klee. We got one more story, then we're going to get to listener questions. I want to remind you, you're listening to Bad Advice on Skid Row Studios. You can also be hearing us on Extreme Talk XM, channel 165. Nice, nice. We got theme music. I like your song. No, that's your song. I like your song. I like your song. That's my song. That's what's going on in Rick's head all the time. Yeah, yeah. Now make sure you like Bad Advice on our Bad Advice Facebook page. You can send your questions there. As far as live callers, we're working on getting that back up and running. But right now, submit your questions at the Bad Advice Facebook page or on Twitter at Drew's Bad Advice. Our last story today, Scott E. Smith was caught with his penis out in public, but when the cops caught him, he had a good excuse. It says, a man caught masturbating behind a tree behind a convenience store told an officer that his penis was out only because, quote, his pants had shrunk. I get that. Oh, that happens. That happens all the time. I get that. His pants? Boy, that's a penis. It's out on Venice Boardwalk today. So did he not realize that his pants shrunk before he left the fucking house? Apparently not. He said... Did his penis burst out of the zipper? Is that what it was? Well, no, it says the police stumbled upon Scott E. Smith scrubbing the nub behind a Unimart. No. Oh, man. Oh, poor guy. Didn't sound well-hung. He's reading that. They called it a nub. They called it... I know. That meant his pants had to shrink a lot. I mean... Like, it had to have, like, Hulk kind of shrinkage, you know? Like fucking pajamas. Tight-fitting PJs. Was he wearing underwear? I like this part. He says, when he spotted the officer, the 25-year-old whipped out his phone and claimed he was just trying to call his girlfriend. With his penis. Yeah, dialing with his penis. But, Drew, like, for you, like, if you just cuff your pants, your dick is out, like, isn't it? Because it's so gigantic. That's why I wear... I wear extra long pants. This is true. I don't wear shorts, ever. I don't swim in them. I don't... It's true. I've seen him swim in jeans. It's kind of creepy. Oh, wow. It is creepy. Keep it all coiled in, like a... Some old Tom Cruise type shit. Well, no, you know how most people have to use that little thing to, like, you know, little... No, nobody knows what the hell you're doing. Yeah, what are you doing? And we got a black guy here and he doesn't know what the fuck you're doing. You're depressing him. He's just like, mine don't go around my waist. What's happening? He's all dancing over here. Little thing, little thing. That's it. I'm taking my dick. I'm throwing it over my shoulder and I'm going home. Oh, my God. Putting a seatbelt on my dick in the car. Mine doubles as a stick shift. His is a seatbelt in the car. I gotta go to the bathroom. Anybody want to come in? No, not for me, but it does help protect the person in the passenger seat. No, I can reach over and open the door. The passenger door. Really? Mine doesn't have a thumb. Mine just has an eye and a hat. I'm glad it's fashionable. We're moving on. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Okay, it is time for questions. Now, our questions come to us from all over the world and our first one comes from Frankie in New Mexico. Frankie wrote and said, I work for a rather large law office and one of the lawyers needs a kidney. It turns out I'm a perfect match. Now, I'm just a low-level employee, so my question is, is it a good idea for me to offer to sell my kidney? No, you lease the kidney. Yeah, you lease it. Yeah, you tie it to the job, so if you get fired, you take your fucking kidney back. Kidney with you. You remember that movie that came out? Remember the movie that came out where people were getting organs and stuff like that? And if you didn't make payments on the organ, they would actually come cut. Oh, repossessed or whatever. I think that was Early Johnson's porn. Go ahead, Christy. You had something? No, you could write a new contract. That's job security. You know, there was a true story about this. We did it on this show like maybe two months ago. This woman donated her kidney to her boss, and shortly after her boss recovered and got back to work, she fired this woman. Wait a minute. Wasn't there a comedian who gave a liver? George Lopez. To his wife. More importantly, we've been doing this show for a couple months. Yeah. Oh, okay. It goes fast. No, George Lopez's wife got a kidney from his wife, and then he divorced her. Did he get it back? I don't think it works that way. He still has it. Yeah, but see, that's messed up because now she only has one, and what happened if her stuff starts to go bad? She can say, they won't do it unless they know that you can survive with just one kidney. She's got to find somebody to marry where she can steal it from. Yeah. But what if you, like, fall down the stairs and your kidney gets hurt? You don't land, why are you landing on your kidney? And who are you throwing down the stairs? Look, you don't break your arms, legs, or nothing. See, this is why your husband has to be scared. I know. People fall, look, it happens. People fall downstairs. How do you think it happens? Marie's been at it for an hour, and her husband still hasn't blinked. Look, her husband calls her at work and be like, baby, did you know it was a knife under the fucking mattress? Right next to the gun? Yeah. Fucking cutting up steaks in the bed tonight? I used to have a knife under my pillow. You never know what you're going to encounter at night. This shit is so sexy. I had a pole. Like a pipe or something? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were just saying you had a pole in the bedroom. I'm like, go on. I know. Let's go with that. Let's go with that. I would much prefer that story. Me too. Could we change it? I always had a plan. I always had a plan. But, you know, I always had a plan. Like, if it came through the windows and I would just like, you know. Ka-chow, pull out the pipe. And I always would do like fake conversations like, did you hear that? No. Like, there are a lot of people in there that you should be scared. Sounds like that pipe's for cracks. Yeah. I called the police on my husband once. Did you really? Yes, I did. On purpose? Well, no. I mean, like. She didn't seem sure about that answer. He said he was going to get us a video. A video. And, um. Like, Choco Taco? Yeah. Choco Taco 3? Yeah. I mean, it was like 9 o'clock at night. So he left to go get us a movie. And then, literally, like, five minutes later, I hear, like, people. I hear the gate opening. And then I hear the doorbell. Like, the little bell on the door, like, go. And then I hear two men talking. And I'm like, oh, my God. You should have just started shooting at the door. Did you try? Yeah, exactly. Did you put on your fake feet and just. Did you? No. Did you run all the way over to the door? I didn't. I panicked. And, like, the TV was going. I was like, oh, my God. They're going to hit the TV. So, like, I, like, called. I tried to call 911. And as I'm talking to dispatch, the phone went dead. I'm like, oh, my God. Not realizing. Did you try the Christy thing? I've got a pole. No, it's. Or are you smoking the same crack? Are you smoking the same crack as Christy? You're having a conversation with Christy's fake voice. Well, I, like, I forgot that the. The phone was, like, the wire was, like, loose on our phone. I forgot that element. Oh, wow. I was just like, fuck it. And I opened up the window and there was this gate on it. I just pushed it and I jumped in and it was in the rose bushes. I was, like, totally, like, cut up, dirty, and I run from the backyard and then I see him talking to his friend and I just looked at him and I was like, you fucking bastard. And I ran. It's his fault. Of course. It's his fault. Meanwhile, her husband's like. What did I do now? That's my idiot wife. I guess his friend, like, Ted, just came over to get a book back and so then, like, five minutes later, there is cops all around the perimeter with shotguns and he's like, go tell them that, you know, it's, it's. I said, no, you tell them I'm not dressed. You said, wait a minute, wait a minute. You said, how many minutes later did the police show up? Like, five minutes. Wow. See, if that was black people, we would fuck around and be dust by the time they showed up. There'd be body parts everywhere. We found them a month later with a knife stuck in his ass. We have been doing this show for months and, you know, Marie is getting dumber. That was very smart and street savvy of me to call the cops. It was neither of those things. It was your husband. But I busted out. I wouldn't let any, like, rapist take me. I was out. You just were giving yourself to them. Yeah, you're like, because rapists are like, oh, no, she's got, she's got thorns all over her legs. This is not going to be a fun rape. She's so dirty. I also want to know who Chrissy thinks is trying to break into her house that goes, oh, you have a pipe? Fuck it, I'm out of here. Yeah, or, or, or, or a very dangerous person that sounds like, is someone else there? There's two people. Forget it. I'm out. It sounds like there's a lot of people there and then they, you know, get scared. Okay, but here's the thing. How many voices can you do? Because Marie only does one. I can do, Christina. I'm not tired for conversation. Well, great. So she's got an Asian sumo wrestler in the bedroom. I'm not a dangerous Japanese guy. The guy trying to break into Marie's house is like, oh, shit, there's Joe Pesci talking to seven other Joe Pesci's. Yeah, and one, don't, don't forget the German. Oh, yeah. There's another man in here. I'm going to fuck you up. I was in New York and there was this little Mexican guy running after me and I had no idea what he, Hey, lady. Like that? And it was two o'clock in the morning. I was lost. I had no idea. I was like, what are you supposed to do? What are you supposed to do? So I just turned around and the biggest voice I could come up with, I go, what? And he looked at me and he had these little bloodshot eyes and he goes, ¿Cuántos? ¿Cuántos? Which means how much? He thought I was a hooker. It was crazy. If you really wanted him to get away from you, all you had to do was be like, La migra. What does la migra mean? Immigration. You're right. Marie's getting dumber. It's her migraine headache. It's her migraine aspirin. And for the record, how much? Yeah. Was there an answer? A million. I would take care of you. I would stay with you. I would stay with you. I would steal to take care of you. Would you steal a porn collection? You got damn right. If it made you happy, we'll let you. I'll lend you Ricks. Taco, taco. Cookie the rookie. Cookie the rookie. Cuanto for one chichi. All right. Our next question. This is an important one. This one comes from Bernie. Bernie writes, I found my 15-year-old daughter smoking cigarettes. How do I convince her not to smoke? Stop yourself. Make her smoke an entire pack and get her sick. She'll be fine. She'll never touch them again. Smoke with her. You tell her she can smoke, but with every cigarette she has, she has to make out with Vic Cohen. Oh. Thank you, Vic. I love you. See, I've got, I've got. No more, Daddy. Yeah. See, I know that, you see, then you have to like spend all that money on that whole pack of cigarettes. That's what my friend's dad did. He's like, I don't want to smoke. Sat her down. We got home and she had to smoke an entire pack. She got so sick. By the time she was 15, she had a three-pack-a-day habit, though. She did get cancer that day. She did. She did. She did. No, you see, okay, that's good advice. I will answer with some proper bad advice for this one. Bernie, here's what you do. You invite your daughter in to talk to you and your wife about this, because it is a serious subject, but you do it right after you and your wife have had sex. And you bring her in, because you know how they have the medications where like if you drink or you smoke, it triggers a bad memory or taste in your mouth and that's what makes people not smoke? Well, you need to put in something that's going to leave that bad taste in her mouth, just like smoking the whole pack. But do it creatively. You sit her down on the bed and go, listen, the best time to smoke is right after you have sex. And your mother and I just went at it. And I'm not talking a little bit, like she gets crazy. Like she likes it when I'm down there doing the Ukrainian butterfly and I just slip the thumb right into her nether region. Just pop it right in. And nothing makes your mother flop around more like a, you know, a beach tuna in a tub of tapioca than when we get crazy. He's turning red. I think what he's trying to do is make a smoking whore. No. And as you're describing this to your child who is going to be completely horrified, go, here, let me light that up for you. Oh, wow. From the same creators of Choco Taco to Parenko Fuck Juice. I didn't know where he was going with that. I thought I was going to make him lick his hand or something. No, I'm not disgusting. Ew. I'm not disgusting. I like that. Where did you place the Ukrainian in a story? I'm not Ukrainian. It's a move. The Ukrainian butterfly. You never did that one? No. Oh, you're missing out. Ukrainian butterfly. Let me write that down. Somebody Google it. Somebody Google it. I forgot my crass helmet for this. What is it? Is it just sex while smoking a lot of cigarettes? No, no, no, no, no. I will show you later. No, you won't. Oh, yeah. Why are you not for me? I will show you later. I am not falling for that trick a seventh time. Listen, listen. You should do a seminar on that one. You didn't turn down the invite. Your eyebrows got high. How do you think I got the job, dude? I don't want to work here, dude. You're craning. In fact, if I can't just show up on time, then you won't be able to do it with me. You're even a backwards ass anyway. You're fine, dude. Happy out of standing up. Is that something you learned from a Ukrainian or you just were in? Yes. You don't learn anything It was invented in Ukraine. I have learned in my years of comedy, I have learned some interesting things. I have learned the Ukrainian butterfly. I've learned the Canadian water trick. What's the Canadian word? On the road? Yes. How about the buck and bronco? I know the buck and bronco. You know the buck and bronco? This doesn't have comedy connected to it. This is your porn days. It's a combination. Reverse cowgirl. He's the fluffer. Did you not know Drew's other name is Early Johnson? Did you not know? All right. Our next question. This one is from Petra in Long Beach. Petra wrote and said, I was invited to my sister's baby shower. She confided in me that her husband is not the father. Now I just don't feel right about going. What do I do? You don't go. I wasn't going anyway. Get pregnant by the dad. Whose baby shower? What? Get pregnant by the stand-in dad. Just something crazy. Somebody fed somebody. I'm just trying to think of something crazy. Now we know who's Vic this week. The one who talks before he thinks it through. Seriously. Check the husband out for some beers and tell him. Because it's not her job. Make sure you have somebody with their iPhone and film the whole thing. It'll be a YouTube hit. Yeah. It'll go viral. It's nice. It'll go viral. So her sister is having a baby by somebody else's. Yeah. She feels bad about going to the baby shower. I said, no, you can't not go. Go to your sister's baby shower. Go, but get a gift that, you know, celebrates the moment. Yeah. A t-shirt that says this is really not the dad. Oh, yeah. Make it nice. My other dad is a plumber. You know? Mama's baby, daddy's maybe. Yeah. What else? You know. Get an I'm with stupid shirt and always stand next to the dad. Is that what you're saying? My boyfriend's really happy about the baby. My husband, not so much. I'm standing with a fill-in. Oh, man. You can't get pregnant from a Ukrainian butterfly. No, you can't. You can't? No. That's not his kid. It's like something your grandma would tell you. That's not his kid. Oh, my God. Because Ukrainian butterfly, it's guy with guy, right? No. Oh. He put two thumbs together. No, it's just one thumb. Why did you read the Ukrainian butterfly for me, Christy? That's Afghanistan. You can't do the Ukrainian butterfly if both your thumbs are being used. I don't know. Holy shit, really? How is this your technique? I don't know. The thumb plays a key factor? Oh, my God. Ask any freaking Ukrainian. I'll tell you this. I don't ask Ukrainians anything. I'm going to find a Ukrainian. I'm coming back here next week. Okay. You're going to walk in all funny. Hey, that Ukrainian move. The first thing you're going to do is hand me a thank you card. I got the Ukrainian butterfly shit out of me last week. Well, here's a question. That was a stinking T-shirt. We have people on the panel for our next question that I think can help. All right. Last time, I want to remind everyone you're hearing us on Extreme Talk XM channel 165 on XM. XM radio as well as Skid Row Studios.com. Our next question came in from Peter in Encino and Peter wrote, a black woman at work has been flirting with me. I've never been with a black woman before. Is there anything I should know? And I figure we have a person we should totally ask. Marie, you got a black woman's ass. So is there? What's the question? The female Vic. It said a black woman at work. Why do I have to do this? A black woman at work is flirting with the guy. He's never been with a black woman. He wants to know if there's anything he should know. Do not piss her off. Yeah, I would be scared to do it with a black woman. Like she could get angry faster. I would not. I would be scared. No, I would be more scared of you. Me? Look, Clee's out there laughing. She's like, you don't got to be scared of a black woman. Well, no, I wouldn't. Oh, here she goes. Wait. Here she goes. I'm not saying I wouldn't tap it, but I'm just saying that. Hold on. Let's find out. Clee, how long have you been black? About five, six years. About five, six years. Okay, so you have some experience. She did the Jackson reverse. Go ahead. You can grab a mic. Don't touch her hair. Don't touch her hair. That's so true. That's so true. And you cannot call her a bitch. Yeah, you can't get all dirty with it. You shouldn't call any girl a bitch. If you get dirty, just do not let the B word out. No, women call each other bitches. Well, wait a minute. Now, hold on. I get that because nobody fucking calls me that. Women either. Women call other women bitches. Oh, yeah. Those are the first two things I do is I grab hair and call them bitches. Clee, you got to go on a mic because we can't hear you. Yeah, don't ever call a black woman a bitch if you're a dude. Just don't do it. Well, now let me ask you a question. You say don't touch the hair. Go ahead. Yeah, don't touch the hair. Calling a black woman a bitch, calling a white woman a bitch. What would be the different outcome? That's what I want to know. Stab wound. Stab wound. The white woman will kiss you. Kiss other brothers. Yeah. Or, you know, what you're going to use the Kleenex for. Wait, wait. If you say you are one sexy bitch, you're not going to get mad at that. Me? Yeah. No, I got a bat. I get mad at that. Don't call me names. Yeah, that's why I don't call you names. Don't call Maria a bitch until she leaves. That is key. The other thing is, you say don't touch the hair, but here's the thing. You get... I have a good amount of experience with this. Women do like it when you... Maybe it's just the white women, but you know you like it when it's getting passionate and a guy has a hand in it. Yeah. I don't like my hair being pulled. I don't mind, like, because my butt's got a lot of meat on it. Like, you can hit that, but, like, don't pull my hair. That shit hurts. I love you so much. I'm not talking... You're not yanking it. It's not like you're pulling him like a caveman across the floor, but... You guys lose control, like, with your freaking junk, and so you can't, like, control, like, the pulling action. I think the other thing is always to have a safe word. Yeah. No, you don't need a safe... You need a safe word if you're doing kinky sex. If you're just having sex, you don't need a safe word. I need a safe word if you're fucking tied up. Yeah. Are you having sex with Charles Manson? What kind of sex do you need? Like, stop having sex in prison if you're doing my advice to you. Tell him a zoo. Tell him a zoo. Tell him a zoo. Tell him a zoo. You change the word every day. Why are you tight? My husband has a safe word, so... What is... Your husband needs a safe word to get through dinner. We're not gonna be having sex with your husband. What's the safe word? I think he would get mad at me if I tell. Is it rape? No. Get off. Dinner's ready. I'm calling the cops. It's the safe word. It's pinky. Oh, wow. Pinky? Yes. He yells pinky. Hey, look, so he's... Poor guy. Poor guy. Poor guy. A grown man. Did you create this? Oh, no. You're gonna yell pinky. Oh, you're in trouble, man. Oh, my God. I said pinky, bitch. It's tough to sound... I mean... It's tough to sound manly if you're yelling pinky. That's why I created it. It's my nickname. He calls me pinky, so... No, no. So you created the safe word. You can't have a safe word that's your nickname. So Marie created a safe word that she knows he's not gonna want to scream. That's nice. Pinky. Get your fist out my ass. You can't judge. Don't be judgy. I am judging the shit I know right now. It would have to be something very masculine. Yeah. What, like ball sack? You know what my safe word is? The cops are coming. Fire in the hole. Hold on. I gotta go pay this rate. This is for Drew. Drew, you should have Marie scream ball sack once the show. That was awesome. Ball sack. Just because he came with hands. Did you see that? Yeah. He had to hold the thing. He was like doing a meat. She was doing a meatball move. Ball sack. She definitely. She meant it. She meant it. She was holding a bag so big. I know. She had a cart. Like a little shopping cart. Yeah. Like real. I've never seen balls that big. Holy shit. Marie's like, I have. Your life is very weird. All right. Our next question. This guy, Thomas. My friend Thomas, I want to give you a shout out. I just spoke to him online last night and Thomas sent into our Facebook page. Tom's in West Virginia, by the way. He wrote in and says, every morning, me and my friend show funny pictures to each other and we have one friend that will always look over the screen or look over your shoulder and do anything just so he can see it first. He also tries to read our text to other people over our shoulders. We've told him to stop, but he just won't listen. How can we get him to stop? Punch him in the head. Elbow. Did anybody not see Pesci come in with a... No, I know. I would think you have somebody text you once a day. Hey, what's with the asshole behind you? Yeah. That's a good one. He's like a tumor back there. Does he know I fucked his mother? Right? There in West Virginia so it's his cousin. Yeah, yeah. Talk about him in the text. That's not that abnormal. It's like the cigarette thing. You gotta give him something he's not going to want to see. Yeah. Now this is West Virginia, so just have pictures of his mother naked on your cell phone. You're assuming they're not already there. This is a non-related family member that's gonna be watching pictures of his mother, so that would probably freak him out. What's his kid's name that's watching him? It doesn't say. Yeah, well let's say his name is Joey. Yeah, because there's a lot of Joey's in the world. West Virginia. I bent Joey's mom last night. Like that's what he should be writing on his text. You can have the naked pictures of his mom because here's the thing. I'm guessing, let's say his name's Joey, whatever it is. Thank you. You're welcome. Joey is not just going to be annoying to his friends. I'm sure he's annoying at home too, so his mom's gonna probably be cooperative. He's like, yeah, I'll do something to fuck with Joey. Yeah, his mom's West Virginian, so she's probably gonna be cooperative anyway. Joey's probably got the pictures. Yeah, he probably does the same thing to her and his father. Like when they're having sex, he's probably right behind them. You know what I mean? Like in the background. But then when she finds out there's somebody from the outside, she's like, nah, you know what? You know like my kids? You know like my kids? I think Marie said it best when she said ball sack. Ball sack. Ball sack. Oh my lord. Ball, yeah. I have my younger brother. He was looking over my shoulder a lot while I'm looking through my text or on my computer and I would just shove him so hard. Really? And I'd just say, stop that. And then he'd go like, what? I'd go, you're snooping into my world. And that works? Give me my space. And he goes, gosh, I'm sorry. I go, it's the rudest thing. I hate it when people start snooping over your shoulder. Yeah, I know, right? Holy cow. Stop that. You even made Cle go on a bathroom break. No, no, I'm listening. I'm listening. So what happened? It's over. Is he hurt? No, no, he's good. She didn't like it because ball sack wasn't there. All right, well, here we go. This one, our next question is Fran in Deerfield. Fran wrote and said, I just found out my fiance likes to look at gay porn. He insists he's straight. Should I believe him? No. Matt Titeo would believe him. Yeah. Does that count for anything? When he's watching gay porn? Yeah. Yeah. And he says he's straight. No. And he says he's straight? No. Is that a possibility? He got caught. No, I have a hard time. I can't, when I see that, I go by it like the exorcist. Well. What are you doing? Like I'm flipping through channels. I see the exorcist. I don't like that movie. Oh, you see? Okay, now I understand because I'm like, if I see the exorcist, I immediately sit back and start watching. And I'm like. I will say this as a straight man. There's probably 12 things in the world that I can't jerk off to. Gay porn is one of them. So there's a good chance this guy is gay as can be. But what if it's girl gay porn? That's workable. I can work with that. Yeah, I think. Oh, yeah. You can work with it. Of course. You have to. Hello. What kind of fucking question was that? I'm going to kind of play the devil's advocate here and say that maybe he's not gay because like I can sit through two girls going at it. But it's natural. That's. In society, as far as heterosexual males go, that is totally. Here's the thing. If it's two chicks in porn, there's something very different about it. It doesn't have penises. Exactly. It's a numbers thing. It's a numbers thing. They're plastic though, but they have. Well, that's fine. That's different. What kind of porn do you like, Christine? I enjoy the real stuff. I don't know what the fuck that means. The rumble. The rumble. Not watching. Cartoons. You know, I don't like the cartoon stuff. You know, like. That Smurf stuff is. I like the kissing stuff. I just. If you can. A woman can watch two women together and watching it with her boyfriend and she's not gay. Why can't a man watch two gay guys? No, that shit is not right. The reason is. It's scary. It's scary. Listen, it is so acceptable for women to do it. Yeah. For me to just watch two big, burly, hairy motherfuckers not watching. How do you know they're big and burly? You don't know. I mean, it's not too Ron Jeremy. What if it was two perfectly shaved midgets? If it was like more feminine guys, then I'd get really scared because then I'm like, I can get into this. No. You see, maybe they're pretty models. No, the thing is, I mean, generally speaking, the female body is a lot more attractive. So guys, you know, I can look at it, but the guy looks at the guy's body and go, come on. I have a very personal relationship and commitment to my penis. I can't look at other penises. His gets very upset. Does yours get jealous? I'm very, I'm married to my penis. I cannot look at other penises. Is your penis just like, oh my God, get that thing away from me. It's so annoying. I was like, why are you looking at that penis? That's what my penis says. Why are you looking at that penis? Marie has a different voice specifically for the penis. Oh my God. I like it. His penis is totally like, oh my God, like totally chillax right now. I like it. Really, I like how Rick has a valley girl penis. I know. If that was the case, I would cut that thing so fast. Get rid of it. All right, guys, we got time for one more question and then we're going to have to wrap it up. So this one is from William and Oxnard and William wrote and said, my sister is engaged to a born again Christian. She was never religious growing up, but now my sister's going to church, quoting the Bible and trying to get the rest of the family to even change. Oh. Says she told my 12 year old son he would go to hell for masturbating. What do I do? Get a drunk. No, just jack off. Yeah. And show them that he won't go to hell. Yeah. Just look how many times I've done it. I'm still here. I don't think a van pulls up and takes you. Are you done? All right, get in. We're heading to hell. That'd be awesome. Not only that, I would be there. We would be broadcasting from hell. William could just go to, you know, his sister and go, guess what? My family's now Jewish. Piss off. Yeah. That's a sad story. Yeah. She's very interested. Anybody else to do all that? There's something. Deep seated in there. Yeah. They're usually the worst ones when they get all crazy religious. Yeah. My sister's a Catholic nun. Really? 30 years. A Catholic nun? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah? Really? Oh, my God. Do you talk about that? Does she think you're going to hell? Because I know some of the shit you've done. Yeah. Does she go to your shows right there in the front row? Yeah. Why don't you come down to the convent and you can do a show here? I'm like, have you ever seen that? We got to set that up. Let's set that up. I would totally perform a nexusism on you. Yeah. I mean, sure. I've seen you perform. You're hilarious, but I don't think it's... Yeah, exactly. Is she serious? Oh, yeah. She got caught with a priest in the... What? Yeah. Wait, she was diddling a priest? It's usually the other way around, actually, but yeah, go ahead. This is a good story. Oh, so she has a good habit. It's about time the Catholics are doing something regular. The people of Lent will share this story. Are any of you Catholic? Yes, I am. No, I was brought up Catholic. I'm considering being now. See, you know, during Lent, you have to go to the community. Yeah. What's that? Yeah. Confession. Confession, yeah. They caught her with the altar wine, Father Murphy, and... I'm just telling the time. I don't want you to run out of time. We got to wrap this up in about 10 seconds. Go ahead. Finish it. Well, I'm sorry. You know what? We're going to have to get into that story. We will have you back to tell it, yes, because I want to thank all my guests. Ken August, make sure you stay tuned and you're going to enjoy the weekly wrap-up. We have Marita Preti. March 1st at Flappers Comedy Club, 8 o'clock. Christy McHugh, anything you want to plug real quick? March 5th 6th and 7th I'll be in Where Am I? All right. We will get back to you on that on the Ice House. Rick Esqueta. El Paso, February 27th to March 3rd and Scottsdale, Arizona March 27th. Gary O'Neill is here. We will get your credits next time. Bring up the music. We'll see you next time. I'll show the first.