Loss of fathers: death, incarceration, and raising children

Nothing's possible. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Like I said, Ms. Bubbles, Ms. Spring, Ladies Lit, Pudds, and Mary the Therapist. Sisters working against gang violence. Swag V. Sisters working against gang violence. V, V, V, V. Good evening. Welcome to Swag Talk. I first want to start off with an opening prayer. Lord, I just ask you to bless me and bless us. Sitting here at this table, give us, speak through us, Lord. And just give us the wisdom and anyone that's out there listening, touch their hearts, Lord. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. Amen. Well, I want to thank everybody who's here. Thank you, Anthony, for sitting in with us, my special guest. My co-host, Sandra, thank you once again. This is Spring. Unfortunately, Bubbles is not here with us. She's out. Taking care of business, traveling graces to her, L.S., as well. We want to say prayers to L.S., you know, as well as her traveling graces, too. So, today's topic is loss of fathers due to death and incarceration. I think everyone at this table can have a little input on that. And all the callers, too. I'm sure everyone can kind of contest to this. So, let's go ahead and start. Let's go ahead and get the show started. Okay. Hello? Hello. Good afternoon. Good afternoon. Good afternoon. How are you? I'm fine. That's good. Is this Bubbles? Bubbles is always in the house, even when she's gone. That's right, Bubbles. That's what she's supposed to be. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. Bubbles. today because he has some things to share with this topic so we appreciate that you are able to sit in with us Anthony hi Anthony thank you so much for coming out Thank You Sandra was Keisha able to make it he should had some car problems but she's on the line she will be calling in because as you know she has some input to put into this topic as well okay I want to just thank you and commend you Snoopy for always being there when we call you and for coming to help us sisters and also just to elaborate a little bit on the conversation that how vital it is for women as mothers to stand up and stand out when they've lost the fathers to gang activity or incarceration I stay focused on the topic of the gang activity because that's one of the reasons why so many children go astray some of them are father following their father's footsteps some of them are just simply looking for love and all the wrong places and some of them just don't have the proper guidance but then it takes strong women such as yourselves the step up to the plate and say hey I have to do this for my child so I'm praying that you all have a very nice show I'm praying that the listeners received knowledge that they may need I'm also praying that someone calls in if they need the help you know in order to the help that they need continue to keep striving because we have met women so many times give up And I don't want to just bash the fathers because we also have sisters out there that are running amok and leaving their children with their kids while they are gangbanging or they're leaving their kids with granny. And my nephew brought up a good point about men that take on the role and the responsibilities of being there for these women that have been let down by gang members only for them to be misused and abused. So with that being said, I'll let you all go. And I want you to continue the show. And I pray that all goes well. And you know what? Thank you, Anthony. Bubbles, I want to you. I read on something you said. And it's not just the mothers that's sitting here. It's also goes for you to the aunties because it just it takes more than just the mothers. You know, we have to give shout out to those aunties. You have plenty of nieces and nephews. Then you stand stand side by side and you help them, too. So it's all it's all women, you know. So I just needed to give that shout out to you, too, because you have always been a strong auntie for all your nieces and nephews, too, and trying to keep them on a straight away. Because. We know what's on that other side. Right. And we're also children of, you know, fatherless. Yeah. And we had to basically come out and grow ourselves. Mm hmm. And what led us to the streets. Exactly. All right, my dear. Thank you for calling. I love you guys so much. I'll talk to you later. Bye, Anthony. Bye. Traveling grace. OK, thank you. Bye bye. OK. All right. So let's go ahead and get this. Let's get this topic rolling. So, Anthony. Yes. Welcome. Thank you. So, Anthony, I don't know too much about your story. So what is what is your story? What do you have? What can you say about about this? How do you you know, as you as you. As being a child. Mm hmm. How did that affect you? As far as not having your father in the household and things like that? Well, of course, a little back story. OK, so my mom had me when she was 19. Mm hmm. I'm 22. So about a good minute ago. She's, I think, 40, 41. OK. So me and my mom have a really close bond. Really. Me and her have a really, really close bond. And. At the time when I didn't understand. I didn't even know I had. I didn't even know that my father right now was my stepfather until my mom told me when I was older. As I grow up, my mom told me, oh, the idiot. Oh, the dummy. Oh, stuff like that. The sperm donor. And I was I was always thrown off. So finally, how I got the truth out from my mom is I in eighth grade. My teacher wanted me to do a project on someone. And she said it has to be a project on someone that, you know, will answer questions. But they have to agree to answer all your questions. And I was like, OK, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And she said it has to be a project on someone that, you know, will answer questions. But they have to agree to answer all your questions. And she even made us have them sign a contract saying that they will answer every question truthfully. And it will be honest because it will determine my grade. So I chose my mom. So I did this behind closed doors with my mom. My mom pretty much told me basically it was a it wasn't even the fact that she loved him. It was a lust thing. She ended up she ended up liking this dude. Ended up getting pregnant. I'm the I'm the I'm the one. Now, when I asked her, has he looked for us or no? What I got is she ran into his brother when I was about like two or three. She went into his brother in the in the food court at a market. And his brother told my mom that he told his family, which is my my father, my biological father. He told his family that my mom aborted it and that my mom said that she couldn't do it. She didn't want to have him have me. When my mom found this out. My mom cried and she told his brother right then while he's dead to him. To me, I've always wanted to meet him. Right. But I'm too scared to meet him. Why? Because so many things crossed my head. What if he's a gangbanger? What if he's a thug? What if he's what if he's some rich dude who's going to try to buy my love back? What if he doesn't accept? What if he doesn't accept me? What if he says, oh, you know what? You were just a mistake. You were just, you know, or like I've thought of everything down to the fact where he would tell me, oh, the condom ripped and you were a mistake. So so many years I've hated him to the point where I've told I've told cops. I was a police explorer growing up as a police explorer. I went on a ride along with an officer and I told the officer straight up. I want to kill him. The officer's like, you know, you saying that I can arrest you. I have no problem with that officer. I'll let you handcuff me right now. I want to kill him. I really do. Right. But then he showed me and he talked to me. He goes, you killing him isn't going to do anything. Do you have a father? I said, yes, I have a father. And then he goes, don't let it affect your relationship. Now my. My father, who I consider my biological father, came into my life when I was three. Now, from when I was born to three, my mom was the mother and father. My mom. I never once did I go not hungry. I never, never went once without not being fed, not having clothes on my back. Not because my mom hustled. My mom worked two jobs and she still went to school. She still did all that stuff by herself. And she still watched my uncle. And my uncle was the same age as me. He's just like one year older. He's two years older than me. Two years older than me. Then on top of that, I was raised by women. So I was raised by my aunts. I was raised by one uncle. I was raised by my grandma. Wow. So I was raised by a whole bunch of women. But what I can take from this is my father. My father. Now he showed me the way. He told me, you're not going to be a little gangbanger. You're not going to be a little thug. You're not going to be a kid who's going to sell. He paved the way. Right. He pretty much paved the way. Because first, when my parents got together, he was Catholic. Then he turned Christian. And then he didn't know how to raise a child. He didn't know how to raise a child. Because first, when my parents got together, he was Catholic. Then he turned Christian. And then he didn't know how to raise me because, again, I'm not his, but I am his. Right. So he talked to a pastor, and the pastor told him, God will bring it to you. Right. So my dad reads the Bible a lot. Well, we're going to finish this with you, Anthony. I want to cut you off. We have Keshia, which was supposed to come in and be our special guest, but she had some carjacking issues because of that. And then we have Keshia, who is not in the house right now because of that. And then we have Keshia, who is not in the house right now because of that. And then we have Keshia, who is not in the house right now because of that. pastor and the pastor told him, God will bring it to you. Right. So he, my dad reads the Bible a lot. Well, we're going to finish this with you, Anthony. I want to cut you off. We have, we have Keisha, which was supposed to come in and be our special guest, but she had some card issues. So she's calling in right now. Hello. Hello. Hi, Keisha. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? I'm doing well. I appreciate you calling in. Hello, Keisha. Oh, hey, how are you? No problem. Do you know who just spoke to you, Keisha? No, I don't. Go ahead and introduce yourself. Oh, this is Sandra. This is Snoopy. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Gumbo's sister. Oh, I ain't seen her in so long. I can't. I can't put the name and the face together. I'm just like, uh. But you don't, you don't, you know who Gumbo is. So you're like, okay, I do know. Yeah, sister. Yeah, I'm speaking hard too. I'm like, I've been up all the time. Okay. Well, Keisha, today's subject is the loss of fathers due to death and incarceration. And, um, I appreciate you calling and I have a question. I have a question for you and you can kind of tell your story, but I do have a question for you. As a mother raising a child, how hard has it been for you to raise that child after the death of the father? I mean, it's been hard. You know, I mean, I have my ups and downs, you know what I'm saying? I am, you know, I'll be trying to, you know, keep my head above the water, but it's been a, it's been a rough road, though. I've had some good and bad times, you know, but right now, shoot, he's where I didn't want him to go. So he's in juvenile hall right now. Yeah. He's in juvenile hall. Who are you, who are you talking about? Oh, my son, Jesse Jones. Okay. Okay. So, so I know, I know your story. And for those listeners that might be calling in, logging in that don't know your story, what happened to Jesse's, who, who, what, without disclosing, unless it's up to you, but what happened to Jesse's father? He got killed over here in the jungles, uh, in 2001. Okay. Was he, um, Oh, yeah, he's a very much gangbanger. So he was, so he was, so he was active. Very, yes. I can relate to your story as well. My kid's father is G. Cal from 20s. Mm-hmm. And he was murdered in 2000. So I have two kids, so I had a, a struggle. It was completely, I had to step in and do two roles, so I can understand where you're coming from. Right. So. Yeah, because it's like, you know, they, they, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. got the attitude like, you know, um, you know, without, it's like, his, his attitude was for like, can't nobody tell me nothing, that ain't my daddy, you know what I'm saying? And like, I used to tell him, you know, even if your daddy was here, you know what I mean? You wouldn't even like him, because he'd be punching your head in, you know what I'm saying? Because for his being disrespectful and all that, you know, I'm just trying to raise you to be a respectable young man, you know? But you want to go out here and think, and you know, everybody's your friend, it's, it's mad, you don't want to listen, and I'll tell you, you know, God, I got to talk to you. I got a better plan for you than I do. So now you're somewhere that I was trying to tell you you don't want to be. So I have two questions for you, Sandra, as well as Keisha. So how has the death of your child's father, how has it affected you guys' children? Well, you go ahead, Keisha. Yeah, it takes a toll on them, you know what I mean? You know, it really takes, because for one, he didn't know them, you know what I mean? So it's really he's searching to find out who really knew him, you know what I mean? And he's looking in the wrong places, you know what I'm saying? Because the people we asked, they only know him for him as Killer Jesse. You feel me? They don't know him as Jesse, you know? So he's not getting the positive side. He always just ended up in the negative side, you know? So he's off of the negative side instead of, you know, looking for the positive side his daddy had, you know what I'm saying? His daddy wasn't no messed up person. He was respectful and all that, but he was a gangbanger, you know? Okay. You know what I'm saying? So, and that's what I was trying to prevent him from. I was just telling him, you know, you had your daddy attitude away, but you need to use him in a positive way, you know? Right. Okay. See, with Mines, they were about three or four years old when their father passed. And as time went on and they started getting in that cutting up stage, it was like, oh, Lord, what could I do? You know, I said, I don't want my kids to end up there. My son, he was already battling. He had cancer. He had cancer at the time. And I was battling trying to get him right, trying to get anger management for my five-year-old because she had a horrible behavior problem. And with the loss of their father, I didn't know where to go, where to turn to. And I just got on my, I always remember my grandma used to say, every knee shall bow. And I bowed them knees. And from that point, I just took control on them. I just, I started snatching my daughter up at five. I started putting her in disciplinary type of projects like Girl Scout, dance, something that would discipline her, you know. And by the grace of God, both my children, my son is on his way to college this year. My daughter's graduating college this year. So I had to play that man role. I couldn't think about being a mother. I was being a father at points and a mother at another point. But to this day, they ask me questions because now my daughter's growing up. She's looking for that. Oh, I wish my dad was here because now she's going into her own relationships. And it's like, it's so hard to try to be that part and they reject their step parent, you know, so it's hard. And that's right now is the hardest time I'm having with her. Right, right. Well, you know what? I, you know, another thing is, is it easy bringing another man into your child's life? Child's life. That, that is it? How, how difficult is it for you to bring another man? Into your child's life from your, your child losing their father to incarceration, to death, to whatever the circumstances, how hard is it for that? And sometimes it's sometimes if the fathers are still around, sometimes the fathers come in and they sabotage and this, that, and the other, because they have another, there's another man in there. How do you guys deal with that? Keisha? I'm trying. I mean, you know, I'm just dealing with it day by day. You know what I mean? I deal with it. I did wait a long time. You know what I'm saying? But I mean, like I said, it's all God's doing. You know, I'm just. Do you get any, do you get any rebellious from the child? Because the child is, you know, you bringing another man in and they're, they have no respect and they're looking like, who is this? I don't know you and this, any other. Do you, you have, do you have to fight that as well? Yeah, I didn't went through that, you know, whatever, you know, but cause at first it started off, you know, cool. And then he started, you know, rebelling, acting, you know, acting out, whatever. But you know, when he kind of, when you, you know, when they figure out that that's not a friend of theirs. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. Because that, that first, when he found out, like, you know, I'm not here to be your friend, you know what I'm saying? You know, we have other type of conversations besides the book conversations and when he found out, like, oh, he's real, you know what I'm saying, for us, like on the man tip, like, you know, he backed up, you know what I'm saying? Cause it's like, he not. I'm not the type of, I'm not finna joke with you, play with you, and then they, you know what I mean? You know, it's a time and place for everything, but I'm not here to be your homie. Right. Some of the kids actually want you. Oh yeah. Well, you're with my mom now, so you gotta do what we do, what we say do. And you know, when you have that real man, he gonna be, he gonna make you bow down. Like, hold up, wait a minute. I done stepped into your mom's life and I'm helping your mother now, you know, and you're going to have to back down on that, you know, and then your kids want to, oh, you're taking that man's side and it's not about taking their side, you know? Yeah, that part. And I have that problem. I've been, I had that problem about five years ago, but you know, things seem to start working out. They see how things change for the better for them. Right. But it was, I'm telling you a roller coaster. Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, Keisha, I appreciate, um, I appreciate you calling in. Continue on listening. Do you have anything else that you would like to, um, share? Anything else that you would like to, um, that you would like to say to those children that might be out there that's listening, that's going through this and, you know, they just lost. And, you know, a lot of times these kids, they just, they're just, they're out there and they're listening and they're just waiting to hear from somebody. Sometimes, you know, sometimes the moms don't have time. Sometimes the fathers don't have time. And unfortunately, sometimes they're just at work. You know, it's, it's really hard out here now raising these kids because. Okay. Excuse me? They just gotta find somebody that they really, really can trust and can confide in and that really is looking out for their best interest. You know what I mean? And they ain't just looking, just doing stuff for their own self-motivation. You know what I mean? They just say they did something. You know what I mean? They need to find somebody that's just really into them and care about their well-being. Right. Right. Right. Because a lot of times you just, you, we don't realize that, you know, these kids are our future. They're the ones that's going to be taking care of us. You know? We're trying to prevent them from making the same mistakes that we made. Kids are going to make mistakes. We made mistakes. We made mistakes. We still make mistakes on a daily basis. No one's perfect. You know what I'm saying? None of us is perfect. I didn't put none of us here as perfect. So we're still continuing making mistakes, but we're learning from those mistakes and we're trying to teach these, teach these young adults. I always tell my kids, we're all sinners, but we all sin differently. Exactly. You know so. I'm not mad at some of the choices that you make, but I'm here to help. Right. Right. Whatever I can do. Right. And it's up to you and they, you know, they got to accept that help as well. You know? Yep. Keisha? Hmm? Are you still on? Yeah, I'm still right here listening. Good luck to your son and I will keep him in prayer as well. Oh, thank you. How it, did you go see him today? No. Oh, you didn't get. Oh yeah. Oh, you had problems with the car. Okay. Well, you know, well we we're, we're looking for, and we're hoping and we're praying that he's going to come home and when he comes home, he's going to be sitting right here at this table. Right. And he's going to have a testimony and have something to say and give back, you know what I'm saying? Because it starts with them. It starts with us and it's up to us to go ahead and give them the knowledge and things like that to let them know it's, it's okay to be cool. Mm-hmm. But it's the right way to be cool. Right. And you don't have to be a follower because your friends, a lot of times your friends is not really who your friends are. Friends aren't your friends. You know, and we don't find that out until it's way too late. You still find that out when you're grown, so I mean. Exactly. You know, as grown folks, we kind of find out, oh, who I thought was my friend. Right. Ain't really my friend. You know, they my, they my associate, but they not my friends. Right. You know, so that, that, that said as kids, as adults. Adults. Adults are everywhere. All right, Keisha, thank you for calling. We'll talk to you later. Call in again, okay? All right. Okay. Bye-bye. So, Anthony. Yes. So, has any, anything that we've said has, had you had to experience any of that as a child? As far as like, as far as knowing that the dude, knowing that the kid is a child, I think that's a good thing. Yeah. I think that the dude, knowing that the guy's not my friend and more of my, my dad or someone that my mom's dating was a big toll on me first because at first I didn't know who he was and then my mom started bringing him around more often than I started noticing. Did he come in, did he come in and, was he upset when he found out that there was a, you had a father figure and you had someone in your life? Did he come in trying to sabotage or. No. Cause any kind of confusion? No. I think it was because my mom, once my mom, my mom only knew who my biological father was for up to a month. She never spoke to him. Okay. When I was in my mom's stomach I, she, he only knew me up to a month. Okay. He doesn't know what I look like. He doesn't know how I act. He doesn't know nothing about me no more. Okay. I have never met him. So, when my mom, my mom tell me when she told my dad, my dad was kind of thrown off about it because he was just like, he was kind of like okay, like what do you want me to do? And she's just like I'm telling you something you don't know about you. Okay. you what she told him is I'm telling you because I don't want you to guess I don't want I don't want to blindside you with it where you come to my house I'm like oh hey look my son's right here and then you're just like whoa like I'd rather tell you straight up but of course it took time for my mom to tell him now when she told him he came to my house he came to my house I remember I remember like I remember everything about him I remember everything about my father even to the first time I met him first time I met him my mom's like oh hey this is my this is mommy's friend Michael first thing I told my mom he's not your friend he's your boyfriend my mom's all like what mom was like well what and I go you've never showed me any of your friends he's your boyfriend children are smart and then she goes yeah and she's all like my son's I didn't even know my son knew that and I was like of course mom you don't bring none of your guy friends over anywhere and all of a sudden you just bring one dude like this dude must be special so right started building a bond with him I went to work with him I did stuff with him and my mom chose him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over me with him my mom just gave him the number one rule which is every mother's rule you hurt my son you have to deal with me you got to deal with me so and then i got older and then it was funny though because there was one day i remember clearly i asked him can i call you dad that just started a huge fight between him and my mom the only reason why was because they go inside the they go inside the um they didn't we had we had to share a room so it was us three in one room so they go inside they go inside the restroom thinking that it's not echoing of course the restroom is the worst place to fight so i'll i just hear him what what do i tell him what do i tell my mom's like you decide it's your decision he asked you he didn't ask me if he asked me can i call him dad then i would say you know what yeah but he asked you my dad said yeah started calling him dad uh when i was grew up i just called him mike my dad's name's michael called him mike big mike then i started calling him dad when i called and started calling him dad that made me feel better because like i hate first names you can ask cheyenne this i hate people i hate it when people call me anthony unless you're if you're family i don't like you calling me anthony i like you calling me my nickname my nickname is bubba well i'll display yeah but that's how that's how i am especially with my brother and sister they call me anthony it gets me ticked off because you're not my friend right you're not you're not someone i just barely met you're my blood you're family right please respect me right so my dad my dad was pretty much the guy who just my mom fell in love with him and i was like i'm gonna kill you she loved how he was she loved how protective he was over everyone over us us three at the time it was just us three i have a brother and i have a sister my brother's 10 and my sister's six my sister's a spinning image of him spinning on the image of him my brother looks like looks like me and my mom and my dad like right but pretty much growing up my dad it wasn't that hard it was just simple rules i i loved how i grew up because my dad showed me discipline my dad showed me you know what i don't care who you are i don't care who you are i don't care who you are i don't care who you think you are dude you're not gonna talk to my wife like that you're not gonna talk to my girlfriend like at the time it was girlfriend but then he showed me you're not gonna talk to your mom like that i don't care how i don't care how old you are even till now even till now this day my dad still does that i can't talk to my mom a certain way but of course i'm a i'm a kid and you guys can both vouch i'm one of those i'm one of those kids where if it's just me and my mom i'm gonna mess with my mom so good but once once even my brother and sister i tell him all mom has to say to you wait till your dad gets home that's like that's like the worst that's like the worst and that's what that's what i love like i love i love how my parents i do that to my kids now oh wait till your daddy gets home right we need that we need that sandra i have a question for you so okay you said that um you lost your kid's father at a very young age so how how did that affect them and how has it affect them which i can kind of see that it's turned out very well they're in college right but it was i'm sure it wasn't an easy road to college it wasn't it wasn't it was my kids had challenges because i didn't date for probably three years after their father passed and when i did allow a man to come into my life and be there for me and my kids it turned out into a domestic abuse situation so it just it made it harder for them where my kids i had to like try to be more lenient like okay kind of brush some things under the surface to try to no don't worry about me you know i want you to do this and i had to do extra stuff and work extra harder to kind of prove to my kids that yes i'm going through this but this has nothing to do with you you know and when i first met the person i didn't think it was going to turn out the way it was it was good for the two years but after that it just became so violent right that my kids started participating in the fighting and jumping in on them and doing different things and couldn't get rid of this person for nothing in the world all i could do was pray and pray and pray till i just felt like i could i wasn't going to be able to live no more because it was taking me down he like basically i hit rock bottom right i hit rock bottom and when i finally got away i someone came and just basically like a prince a prince you know like one of those cinderella stories i was afraid like i don't think i want to do this you know but the his i don't know what it was but it was just his spirit that just hit me and the that's who i'm with now okay who i'm with now and he has helped me so much with my kids but my kids kind of rejected him because of my situation with the other relationship they didn't know they didn't know and they was like okay is he gonna come in here and doing all this too so they was they was like they were confused right today they asked me questions since they're older you know what dad and can you kind of explain to me and you know i just say you know what you know your dad lived a life and he was in gangs you know he was he was a drug dealer and he did do this you know and i do explain to my kids everything that went on but i kind of just keep it simple keep it simple i keep it simple because i don't need them asking questions you know i said whatever it is like i tell them there's always three um truth his the person who did it and god and it's all in god's hand so right right don't worry about it i'm not gonna lie to you i'm not gonna lie to you i'm not gonna talk to you about that all just know that he is your guardian angel and that's how i leave it with them but it was it was really a struggle and right now with my daughter it's like i've been having a lot of challenges with her but i like i say lord thank you for letting me be her mother but i'm gonna go ahead and give you the give you the upper hand because it's not my battle now you know so and she's getting coming back but she's still in school she didn't drop out of school and in may she'll be graduating so I praise God for that. Yes, because so many times that as children we get frustrated and we drop out of school. We start doing other things. I know I did. I didn't have my father around. I have no clue who my father's name is. My father could be 1-800. I was saying the same thing. My father could be 1-800 and I wouldn't know. I do understand that. My mother had to raise me as a single parent. I never knew any type. I had no type of male figure. That becomes very hard on children. Because as we're growing up, especially as women and little boys too, we don't have those male figures in our lives. We don't know. We don't know what a male figure, what a positive male figure is supposed to be. Sometimes we accept everything. That's what was with me. Like I said, about a year ago, my brother contacted me and told me that he contacted our biological father. I'm like, well, what are you telling me for? I done been through domestic abuse. I done been through homelessness. I done been through so much. Gang banging, selling drugs. I done been to juvenile hall. I said, but when I have... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I said, but when I had my first child at 18, I didn't want to live like that because I seen how my homegirls, how my homeboys were doing, what type of life they were living. And I just looked at my kids in a whole nother perspective. I just looked and I just smiled at my kids like, Lord, this is not what I want to do. I don't want to have my kids flamed up. I don't want to be my kid's friend. I want to be their mother, you know? Right. And that's what really changed me. And that's after their father had got killed, I left. I left the neighborhood. Because I just looked at my kids like, God has something better for me. And has something better for them. You got to step out on faith. And that's what you did. And I stepped out on faith. I worked. I worked all my life since I was 14 years old. You know, tried because I was on probation. I had to work, you know. But when I got to that adult age at 18, I was working. I went back to school. You know, I worked at Cedar Sinai for over 17 years. Right. You know, it was, but I'm grateful for everything that I've been through. And see, kids need to know. That even though we go through the things that we do. And we made the mistakes that we do. That we have. We have choices. We have choices. And it's still, at the end of the tunnel, I'm still a success. I'm still, yeah. I'm still standing here. Yeah, you know, I look at, you know, I love where I come from. There's so many of us that are not, there's so many people, there's so many of us that are not here. You know, and I will never, I will never bash my homeboys, homegirls, and this, that, and the other. Because they've taught me a lot. Right. You know what I'm saying? They do. They teach you the good. And they teach you the bad, too. And, you know, they are there for you. But it's just, it's really, really, it's just different. Everybody has, like, a different story in their lives. So some people still live, you know, the life because it's other things that's going on with them. You know, something I can't control or they can't control, you know, and, you know, but I had to take mine to God. And that's what I did. I took it to God because I had nobody else to turn to. Right. Right. Because I was in prison. I was basically out here by myself. Right. You know, my parents, I come from a biracial family. I'm Hispanic and black. So who do I talk to about, because my life was nothing but, I did nothing but what my African side, you know, so they didn't understand where I was coming from either, you know. So it was like they were lost. Right. Right. So I basically was out there alone. Well, we're going to go ahead and take a break and we will be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. But we don't have to have this talk because what I can't do is I can't allow you to come in and destroy and sabotage everything that I have built. And the fact that I have three and one of them is not his, I can't let you come in there and conquer and divide because I don't want you to come in there and make my oldest one feel in a certain kind of way. Because my boy, Johnny, that's seven and my girl, six. Those are his children. But their brother, Daniel, that's eight, is not his child. They just all share the same mom. Right. But you kept them together. But I kept them together. You know what I'm saying? When I got this, I went to get one and they tricked me and they gave me a two for one special. You know, I came down trying to pick up one kid and they was like, well, you going to take the other one? What other one? What are you talking about? But it's, you know, and it's been like that. And trust and believe that God made a way. He made a way and it wasn't supposed to be permanent. You know what I'm saying? I really thought that my son was going to get his stuff together and was praying that their mom was going to get their stuff together. But I knew that was kind of rude. Right. Slim. But it has turned out that they've been with me all this time. You know what I'm saying? And I've adopted them because what I'm not going to do is I'm not going to allow them, you or anybody else, to come in here and drag me back and forth to court and play these games with me. Right. Because when you think you're playing these games with me, you're not playing these games with me. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Because you're going to come in and you're going to want to, you know, play that role and I'm your daddy and I'm this and this, that, and the other. And then when you get the next sack or whatever, you go. And then I'm here left answering these questions because, of course, they're going to ask, well, where is such and such? So is your son involved in gangs? Yes, he is. Yes, he is. And that's crazy because to this day. he tries to hide it from me. I don't know what they call him. And then he went way to the east side. Boy, what you doing over there? I can't help you over there. Me or your daddy can't help you over there. But, you know, he ran way to... And it was crazy because my son did not start gangbanging until you turned 18. So he was a little smart. Right. You know what I'm saying? He knew that. Like, okay, I can't even go this route. You sheltered him too long. You know what? I think I did shelter him, but he knew. You know what I'm saying? He knew. You know that's when they run wild, right? Yeah. He's like, I knew mom was... He knew that mom was a little active, and he was like, I can't play no games with her, so I'm going to go ahead and I just got to sneak around. I got to sneak around these corners and stuff like that because he knew. I wasn't playing games with him. I'm not playing games with you. So, therefore, he waited until he turned 18, and guess what? I respect that because you didn't do it in my household. Exactly. Because now, you 18, hey. And it takes longer for men to actually mature. Mature. So, maybe now that he's reaching out, yeah, you guys do need to sit down and talk. But, yeah, that's about the time. He's 27 now? He's 27, you know, and he's been incarcerated. He has been, since he left my house at 18, because at 18, on his birthday, when he turned 18, he left my house, and it was crazy because I came home. I came home, took, you know, like, hey, you 18 now, coming home from break, and I see him down the street with a garbage bag, taking it down Jefferson. I'm like, well, where are you going? He's like, oh, I'm moving. Oh, okay, well, give me my key. Okay. You know, give me my key, and unfortunately, ever since then that he's left my house, it's been downhill. He's been incarcerated. And I keep on trying to tell him, I said, you need to stop doing whatever you're doing because you ain't even a smart criminal because you keep on doing it. You keep on getting caught, and you keep on going to jail, and you keep on getting lucky because at first they was playing with you. They're giving you probation, and, you know, you just summary probation. And they got tired of playing with him. Now you're sitting up there in the state prison with the big dogs, scared, terrified, because this is not what you are. You know what I'm saying? So I have to really pray and hope this is going to work out for us. And I hope this too because I don't know what he's expecting. You know what I'm saying? But at the end of the day, I have to make sure I protect those kids because I can't allow him to come in here and sabotage what I have built, what my husband has built with these kids, and this, that, and the other, and then store the positive things in them. I'm not saying that they don't have to know him because they do know. They're very smart. They deserve it. They deserve to know. Well, my son told me, I had a conversation with my son, and I asked him, I was like, well, Johnny, do you know what adoption is? And he was like, yeah, I know what adoption is. And I was like, what is adoption? He said, that's when the parents can't take care of the kids and other people have to take care of the kids. He said, they even do that with dogs on SPCCI. I said, SPCCI? What is that? But I knew what he was talking about, and this boy was six years old, so that let me know he knew what I was talking about. I said, oh, okay. So he knows. Yeah, so I said, well, son is SPCA. And he was like, oh, okay, well, they adopt dogs too. So, you know, kids, they do know. And we're going to have that conversation and stuff like that. And that's going to work through us with that as well. Anthony. Yes. I have a question for you. Yes. So you were explaining, you were saying that, so you didn't have to go through the drama. Your mom didn't have to go through. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Not your, not your, not your, with your biological father. What is the relationship now? Or do you guys even have a relationship? With my biological father? Uh-huh. I don't know him. You don't, so you don't know him. Okay, so you. I've had like, I explained to Cheyenne, I've had dreams where it's like, he showed up randomly to my house. He knew, like, I feel like, to me, like, not knowing who your father is, it's a cat and mouse game that you play in your head. Because it's just like, is he going to show up one day? Is it the best day when, you know, my mom and dad are happy? Like, I've always thought of what if he shows up on the 25th anniversary of my mom and dad's. He shows up and he says, hey, I'm so-and-so. So he's never. He's never shown up. So he's never shown up. He's never tried to reach out to your mom or anything. I don't know if he's tried to reach out to my mom. I've asked her. She said no, of course. But, you know, she can keep keeping that from me. But then me and her, me and my mom have a close relationship, a very close relationship to the point where I can tell my mom anything. Right. Anything. And she won't judge me for it because she's one of those people where you can tell me what you like. You know where she goes. You can talk to me about your sex life. I have no problem with that. Why? Because I want you to be able to open up to me just like my dad. I've asked my dad about what happened. He's been into a car accident. He had a past, too. And I asked him about it. Hey, dad, how's this? Or I'll ask him. If I have questions that I'm questioning. If I'm questioning myself and I know about myself, I go to my dad. Why? Because my dad's the male. My dad's always told me the golden rules. God comes first before anyone. Man, woman, child, doesn't matter who it is. Yes. I like that word. Respect your girlfriend at all times. No smacking, no hitting. And because of what my mom's past how was, I know that. Right, right. I've been in a very abusive relationship to the point where I didn't hit the girl. She hit me. That's good. That's good that I like that. And that's why I tell people, when people see me and they meet me for the first time, they love how I am because my heart's not hanging. In other words, what people say, it's not down there. It's actually in where my heart needs to be. It's not up in my head and it's not at the bottom of my pants. It's actually where I want it to be. Well, I want to ask one last question. At what point do you give up on the man? Yes. And depend on God? Sandra? At what point? Because I think you, at one point, you made that decision. I made that decision because looking at my kids and just looking at my black eye, looking at my busted tooth. You speaking? My broken leg. And I said, who do I want to live for? It's not me. I want to live for my kids. I want to continue being their mother. That's all my kids have is me. Lord, help me get through this. What could I do? It took probably the last, felt like it was my last breath before I could say, God, please take the wheel. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I joined church. And from that point, nothing bothered me no more. And one day it was just like I cried. I felt like I was crying for days and it was only like two seconds. Wow. But it just cleared my whole mind, my soul. And it just... It takes a lot. It takes a lot. Right. That's exactly what my mom said. My mom just said, I'm done. And she said... My mom told me when... Because she dated. You know when it's time. She dated, but she told me honestly. She said, you want to know when I gave up, mijo? And I said, what? She said, I gave up when I knew that, you know what? It's not there. She said, and I told God. And do you remember what I told you? I said, yeah, I remember what you told me. You don't care what man comes into my life as long as God is there. That's all that matters. Right. He stepped in and showed out. And he always does. Yes. He always does. Well, I would like to thank you two. Oh, you're welcome. Anthony, thank you for such short notice or stepping in today. Sandra, thank you. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Thank you. You know, we want you here every Sunday if you can be here. You don't just have to come when there's absence between me or Bubbles. You're open door. And I thank you guys for allowing me to come here. And actually, I enjoy these talks. I enjoy these talks. We need these talks. And for those listeners that have... Logged in, maybe haven't called in. I hope you've gotten something out of this. And you can take this and meditate on it. And don't be afraid. You know, call in. We're here every Sunday. You know, call in. Log in. Talk to us and things like that. And God bless. Okay. Good night, everyone. God first. Without him, nothing's possible. Dinky Mac on the track. 5J sales. Iceberg the great. These systems working against the law. Sam. I'm here with the system that's working against. You got Miss Bubbles. This is working to get this. Game. My lady slick. It's working to get. And married. There. And Miss Mary. The therapist man. She got that. She wants you to sit down and tell her about. Just how you get. Gang. Walk around. Feeling good about yourself. It's gang. I mean, I need. All the G. Double G. Triple O. Can't make it happen, man. This is our community. Our main goal is to reach the young children. TV. Media. Special. Commander for the elite gang intervention training. Special shout out to skip towns. Open the door. Like I said, I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. I'm a. And marry the therapist. Sisters working against Cain's violence. V, V, V, V.