Squid insemination, mullets, and live show announcement

All right. Looks like we are on the air with Bad Advice, everybody. Welcome to an all-new episode. We lost our little theme music there, but that's all right. Yeah, this is unusual. This is not the norm for us. I know. Usually we have a little rockin' music to get started, but that's all right. We have our people here. One of them is on his way, as always. And here on Bad Advice, I am joined by a panel of very funny people. We have Mr. Kenneth August, host of the weekly wrap-up. Say hello, Ken. Hello, Ken. Nice to be here. There you go. Mr. Ron Swallow. Hi. Ron. That is his real name. It is. It is my real name. We love that about you. Also, I want to give some props to Ron. Ron was actually just in a comedy contest where he's moving on to the finals. You want to give us a little information on that? June 20th, I'm doing the finals for Uncle Clyde's comedy contest. If I win it, I get 500 bucks. He was the only contestant. Yeah, I was. And he was the judge. And came in second, did you say? Nice. That's the weirdest part. Well done. Came in second to my son. The thing that worries me is anytime you have Uncle Clyde, Uncle Clyde just sounds like that uncle that you're normally not left alone with. Did he touch you in a bad place, Ron? Who hasn't? And who decides what's a bad place for Ron? That's a good point. Any touch is good in my book for me. Show us on the comic where he touched you. It's weird. I don't hear Ron's voice in my headsets. Do you? I do. Okay. Well, I hear him. I don't know if it's in my headset. It could just be in my heart. Yeah. Have you spent years tuning out Ron so now it just doesn't work? It's like my parents. Now, our other guest who's over here to my left, we have Vic Cohen. Hey, everyone. I did not win anything in any contests. Ever? Actually, in second grade, I did win a jelly bean count contest. Well done, sir. Thank you. You know what you have won? You have won my admiration and respect. That's what you have won. Some people say that as a joke, but I know that you mean that. I do. Thank you. I feel the same. I have always said. No, this man is hilariously funny. I recommend going to his website, which is... I love the plug. Vic, V-I-C, Cohen, C-O-H-E-N. The thing about Drew, and this is great. I looked on my phone. It was over a year ago you had talked about this. And originally, the ideas of it being a show or something. And TV. But, I mean, your follow-through has been, you know, the fact that we're doing this here today. It's taken a while. But, yeah, Vic was with me when we first started discussing doing Bad Advice. I met him through a common friend, and we talked about it. Loved the idea. And it's taken a while, but here we are. And it's actually going really well. I love it. Everybody's having a good time. I didn't know you were talking about the show. I thought you meant a year ago he told you he was going to plug something for you. And he finally did. I was like, well... That didn't take a year. No. That was like, well, we had Starbucks and the rest is history. We're here on Skid Row Studios, the show Bad Advice. Make sure you like us on Facebook. You can submit your questions for our panel. Also, if you come across any bizarre news stories, people you feel need advice that we may have overlooked, you can also call us live here at Skid Row. The number here, 800-893-9562. We're going to start this week with a rather interesting story. This comes to us by way of San Diego County. Apparently, two Border Patrol agents have been put on paid leave, after audience members complained that they engaged in a sex act while attending a Cirque du Soleil performance right there in good old San Diego County. Apparently, Kaylee Hellwig, 24, and Gerald Torello, 35, go Gerald, were in the audience watching the show under a circus tent. Is that what makes it a sex act, by the way? The tent? Yeah, that's what I was wondering too. Was he the one who popped the tent? Hey, Chris Z is finally here. Welcome, Chris. You're just in time. We're doing our first story. Apparently, in San Diego, you heard about this one, two Border Patrol agents have been put on paid leave because audience members complained that while attending the Cirque du Soleil performance, they engaged in a sex act. They were off duty at the time and not in uniform. Well, I guess that helps because if you're going to be engaging in a sex act, that lack of clothing really comes in handy. Drew, I know what happened. Do you? Yeah, the Cirque du Soleil. They took the lay. Too literally. They read it wrong. Yeah. They took it at face value. Yeah. I mean, that's a legitimate defense on their part. Did you say that there was oral sex involved? Well, there's more. I'll give you the details here. According to the reporting party, they believe that the two folks were engaging in inappropriate behavior while sitting in the stands with families around them. One witness told San Diego News that the pair appeared to be engaging in oral sex. The witness, who asked not to be named, said she told the two to stop, but they didn't. She said two. The children turned around and saw the couple in the compromising position. Get this. The male agent gave one of the children a high five as this was happening. So not only was this guy getting ahead, but he had the wherewithal to, when discovered by a child, go, hey, check it out. High five. Also, this child must have high-fived him back. You know, I haven't been to the circus. You can't really have a one high five, can you? Exactly. I mean, yeah. That's just like a high five. So this kid was like, all right, sure, high five. There is some element of duplicity on the kid's part. I mean, he clearly met the cop halfway. The bar is set pretty high for Cirque du Soleil for this kid for the rest of his life. Well, that's why tickets are so expensive. Next time you take this. You see, that's the thing. If you don't want this kind of thing to happen, I agree. You lower the price of a ticket. Because several times in my life, I agree with Vic completely. Like, how many times? If I looked at something and gone, oh, my God, for that kind of money? You know, that car costs so much. It should blow me. I'd pay $200 to watch that, you know? Cirque du Soleil at a blowjob. Circus animals. Although they don't have animals. They do, some of them. Cirque du Soleil mostly doesn't. Cirque du Soleil. Yeah, but it'll be a specific show. Like, they had one about a horse, and I couldn't see it because the description was something about the love between a man and his horse. And I'm like, you know what? If I can't get past the description, I don't want to go see the show. The thing I love. I would have known people were blowing each other in the crowd. That's the story. There's love. Between a man and, oh, we don't know. It could have been two men. Doesn't say, does it? No, no. Kaylee Hellwig. Also, in all seriousness. Nothing on this show is in all seriousness. Did they think they were not going to get caught? Well, okay, let me read a little more. Let me give you a little bit more information here. Maybe his thing was in a popcorn box or something. But no, okay, I've got more. It says the couple eventually stopped when an usher approached. After the performance, as the crowd was exiting, Hellwig allegedly punched one of the men in the crowd. One of the complaining patrons in the face. So not only was this guy, like, okay with what he was doing. It was the woman. The woman? The woman that punched the guy in the face. Oh, you're right. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a tough woman right there. You got to like a woman who's going to blow you in public and then punch the person who didn't like it. That's a good woman. And when she's out of prison, I would like to get her. And this is border patrol. So they're like, oh, we don't like Mexicans in here, but. They crossed the border. That's why they're trying to keep people out. They're naked. They're naked on the other side, apparently. Forgive me. I walked in late. This has to be Dodger Stadium, right? No, this was in San Diego County. I like how the cops, the cops statement on this. This is not an everyday call. Really? No kidding. Every time this kid goes to a sporting event or anything in an arena, he's going to turn around to like three rows behind him and be like, are you going to start? Are you going to do it now? Actually, he's just going to sit there with his arms crossed. I'm not impressed. I'll tell you, though, this is a way, you know, like it is. It is. You would be hard pressed to get me to go to say like the opera or something like that. But, you know, if I had, if I was going out with a girl and she's like, hey, let's go see the Nutcracker. Nice choice. Hey, I'll do. All right. Yeah. Okay. I'll reconsider. How serious is this? This is despicable. That's an early anger for you. Good turn, baby. Good turn. You almost made it through the first question, Vic. I like it. I just, I just want to double check here. Maybe I heard something. I'm not sure I'm wrong, but I love that the guy kept going when the kid saw what was going on. But the usher, when the usher, that's when shit got real. Yeah, exactly. It's time to stop, sweetheart. This isn't, it's not funny. Well, the usher is in charge and the child just does what you tell. What else do you got? The kid didn't have a flashlight. There's a 16 year old kid in a red vest. It's got to stop. I agree. All right. Okay. Our next story. This one takes us to upstate New York. Apparently in Glen Falls, New York, authorities say doctors at an upstate New York hospital, have been able to reattach a bar employee's finger after it was bitten off by a man being removed from the tavern. Police tell the post star of Glen Falls that 38 year old Ernest Veneer of Fort Ann was tossed out of the Daily Double in Glen Falls early Sunday morning because he was found to be engaging in a sex act with a woman in the bar's smoking room. Were these cops? It doesn't say. Officials say he was being escorted out by bar employees and it was then that Veneer bit off one of the workers' pinky. The finger was reattached by doctors. Reattached to the wrong hand, unfortunately. Upside down. See now. The wrong person. He was like, don't point your finger at me, motherfucker. He was having sex. First of all, in the smoking room. That's kind of, I won't even kiss a smoker, let alone. It could be a pole smoking room. You don't know what place he was in. The guy who, the guy who was having sex, it's his finger that got bit off? No, no, no. No, he bit off one of the, the finger of one of the people that was, I guess. No, if it was his, I can only assume that it was like, hey. You know, can you imagine that guy's like, hey, this was so cool. Smell my finger. But like, they actually hand you the finger. We need to keep the fingers evidenced. What is it? You don't need DNA evidence. You just need a nose. What is it with people having sex in public all the time? You mean people other than me having sex in public? What is going on with everybody else? I do it in a bathroom where no one can see. Like, I don't. That's gross. Why is that gross? I think sex in a bathroom is hot. Yeah, yeah. In a public bathroom? In a public bathroom? No, no, that's not hot. That's disease ridden. I won't even use a public bathroom. Yeah, I had sex in a Kinko's bathroom once. I mean, with myself. Yeah, I did it in a movie. I did it in a movie theater bathroom. You ever been to the Burbank 18th? I know I'm not going back. Not anymore. The handicapped bathroom. I had sex in the parking lot of a zoo. Well, I would imagine any time you're using a bathroom, it's a handicap. Yeah, you go like this. Oh, look at that. What, the bathroom? You take a helmet on it? Vic, the insult comic. Oh, God. I love him. I love Rob. You know I'm kidding, right? No, and I totally know. No, it was just for the joke. You're allowed to insult me. I haven't had a chance to see that. I don't have to insult you because living for you is... Oh, now listen. I'm going to have to bring some love to the room, and we'll do that right now. Bring in the love. Okay. Let Vic come back with I'm rubber, you're glue. No, here's our next story, I think. Meanie. It's kind of interesting. It says head injury turned a man into a musical savant. Have you guys heard this story? I've heard this, yeah. Derek Amato crashed headfirst into the hard bottom of a pool. He was scared at what it might have done to his brain, but amazingly the fallout from the accident wasn't all that bad. Along with the headaches and other post-concussion symptoms, the accident brought Amato an unexpected gift. It has turned him into a musical savant. Well, let's not jump the gun here. What kind of... Is he playing the triangle and the xylophone and bagpipes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can't speak. He's smacking them all into each other. He can't speak. He's a quadriplegic, but he's an incredible musician. He's great on the tambourine. He's the Stephen Hawking. This man, Amato, plays the piano like a virtuoso, making up melodies from the patterns of black and white blocks that stream across his brain in an endless succession. He's now cut an album of original compositions and is currently working on a second album. May I say this? Since we live in Los Angeles, you can't walk outside and not bump into somebody who's made an album. Has he sold an album? That's my question. You can't walk through this room. I can go home and make an album. That's very true. There's five of us. We all have a record button somewhere in our house. Ken, did he sell an album? Here's the thing. This thing, I actually do have advice, you know, to go with this story. I have, you know, with the problems the education system has, we don't have money and these kids are just morons. I say we put this to the test. If this is actually true, I say why invest all the time and money we're trying to actually teach kids? Let's just smack them in the head with mallets and see what happens. We let them smack each other, too. To lessen our liability. Yeah, good idea. That's good. This is why you just make them dive into the short end of a pool. Like, I clearly did. You don't even have to dive in the short end. If we just save money, don't put water in. Teacher, why is there a 14-foot diving board and a 4-foot pool? You need to stop taking stories from the National Examiner. Really. No, this is real. It says Amato was examined by Mayo Clinic neurologist Dr. Andrew Reeves in a session that was captured and broadcast by the Science Channel. Reeves says that the head injury rewired Amato's brain, leading to an acquired savant syndrome. I get this. Does that sound more bullshit? Can anything sound more bullshit? Well, no, here's the funny thing. They named it acquired savant syndrome. What are the letters? S. That's how I became a comedic genius, actually. I bumped my head in the door. We talked about that earlier. Mine was my dad punching me in the face. Wait, that's too dark. That's why all of Ron's punchlines end with ow. Did your dad really punch you in the face? Yeah. Ron was 17. He was 17 before he realized the punchline didn't involve an actual punch. I've never even been punched in the face by a normal guy, much less by my flesh and blood. We got 44 minutes, my man. Now, okay. On the same story, though, let me ask you a question, because it says Amato does have some serious residual effects from the concussion. He says, I deal with fluorescent light issues. I collapse sometimes out of the blue, and the migraines and headaches are very intense, and my hearing is half gone. But, man, I play a mean xylophone. He actually says, the newfound talent makes up for all of that. Is that really true? I crap my pants every 45 minutes, but, man, can I hum a tune? Also, I have problems with fluorescent lights just because I don't like fluorescent lights. Have you ever hit your head in anything? Quite a few times. This is something we've made fun of me for as well. I was a semi-pro rollerblader, so I've had three concussions. Really? What stopped you from going pro? Well, I wasn't quite good enough. I was really good. The other half was a semi. That has stopped me from going pro in so many fields. Well, I was semi-pro in that I only got paid a little bit of money, and I was sponsored. I got free skates and free shirts and free pads. Semi-pro because nobody paid him, but he blew a guy behind the rec center. At Cirque du Soleil. While on rollerblades. While on rollerblades. At Cirque du Soleil. I mean, I had knee pads. All right. Well, there you go. You were well-protected. I love that that's the sport you decided to go for. I used to jump on handrails. Everything I've ever liked, just like the red-headed. I love fantasy books. I love redheads. I mean, why not figure skating? Redheads, they're fantasy? What? Well, they're the people that people don't like. How do you get noticed in that sport? Like, how do you know that you're- Videos, competitions, broken bones. Those idiots at Venice Beach who dance. Oh, that's the rollerblade? The guys who, like, just are waiting for the village people to come back? Are those the ones you're talking about? See, that's the problem with rollerblading is, see, in skateboarding, when you picture skateboarding, even someone who's just skating along, he's got- A pair of jeans on and a t-shirt. Maybe it's a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. Rollerblading, you just picture spandex. Yes. And bad sunglasses. I also make the distinction between rollerblading and roller skating. Yeah, well, those are, we call them quads. Well, I rollerblade, but I used to play hockey. So, in order, I won't wear the spandex, and I will occasionally throw an elbow. And I used to jump on handrails, and I could do backflips over launch ramps, but that's not cool, even though it's really hard. I mean, it depends. I would say that's pretty cool when I watch somebody else do it. Look, it's like NASCAR. I'll watch it for the crashes. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's like- Which, oh, by the way, I know that people hear this show, you know, I don't know what time they see, what year or month they're going to hear this, but that guy who did that tightrope thing last night- That was insane. He had a harness. Yeah. It meant nothing. Hold on a second. He had a harness, and he could have, if he fell, he wouldn't have gone anywhere. He would have just hung there, and then- In his defense, he doesn't normally wear a harness. Yeah. His sponsors insisted that he wear it. He didn't want to. Then he shouldn't have done the stunt. Yeah. You think, hold on. So you think the man who we've never heard of, who had an opportunity on national TV to walk on a high wire- What do you mean we've never heard of? He was a Walenda. Yeah, dude. Like his whole three generations. What's his first name? Mr. Mr. Walenda. Mr. Walenda. No, we've all heard of the flying Walendas. Willie Walenda. By the way, we're talking about the guy who tightroped across Niagara Falls. Yes, and now, and you're saying he should have turned that down because they wanted him to be- To be too safe. Yeah, I think that there's no risk. People are watching that to see him fall. He probably didn't like it either. I mean, because if he was- If that's what he does, then- Yeah, he wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. I have no- Look, I have no personal connection to this guy, but it just- Vince, there are- Vic, thanks. Sorry. There are a few things- He's less Asian. He didn't come up with the idea. They asked him to- I don't really care, no offense to him, who came up with it. I think that the whole point of Daredevil stunts is the person- The person may die. Yeah, it's like Evil Knievel didn't do it on a motorcycle made of Nerf. Right. Evil Knievel was a true stuntman. This guy, I don't buy. I don't buy. I just feel like it's- Here's the thing is- Hey, here's the thing, Vic. If he would have fallen- There's like a zillion other videos of this guy doing it without a harness, but you're judging it on the one time he used a harness. Yeah, I am, because this is the one that everyone watched. You're heckling- This is the one where if he would have fallen off, and then NBC has to be like, hey, sorry for all the kids that were watching this guy just plummet, to his death. I would have loved to have had Vic, just watched Vic there live heckling him. I know, this- Pussy! Vic watches Evil Knievel. Anybody can do that. But big deal, dude. You didn't set yourself on fire first. I remember Evil Knievel. I remember. I was very young, and most of this is through watching old tapes, but everyone would run and watch him because the guy could wipe out and die. Well, he- There's nothing about it. More often he broke something than not. In his body. Right. That guy is a true stuntman. This guy walking a tightrope with a safety harness is ridiculous. Times have changed, buddy. When we were kids, we could also watch the Bad News Bears. Remember that line in the movie? What's it? You're going to have to be more specific than that. There was only one. Well, this is funny, because remember they remade the movie a couple years ago, right? In the original movie, there's a scene where the kid says something like a spick, a Jew, and now a girl. Really? This is a child says this. That's fantastic. Well, maybe it is a commentary on how we've become soft, because it really pissed me. I was- I was furious. We were all in the family. I was furious. This guy was not close enough to death. That is a weird thing to get mad about. They shoot it where they do these close-ups of his feet where you can't really see the harness. It's almost like it's kept a secret to me. Are you new to television? Have you seen television before? Well, like David Blaine didn't actually- You've seen this before, right? You know reality. Not David Blaine. Chris, what is his stupid name? David Copperfield? Blaine? Chris Angel. Chris Angel. Did not actually float from one Las Vegas building to another one. Right. Well, that's called magic, and I get that. This guy's going on a tightrope, and the whole thing is, oh, my God, he's going to die. Would you be pissed if you found out that was a trick and it wasn't real magic? I don't- You know what? I don't really care about that. Yeah, the safety- All right. Well, let me ask you this, Vic, because here's the big question. I'm focused on this tightrope. If he had fallen and hit his head, would he have been able to play the piano? Yes. Next story. They keep showing the falls like it's so dangerous, but he can be- There is no danger if you've got a safety system. I mean, a child could do that stunt. It's funny that you brought this. I know you've got to move on. Last thing. There was a story just like a week or two ago, but same thing. Another guy who got jumped coming out of a bar, beaten badly by two or three guys. He wound up being a mathematical genius as a result. He sees shapes, and everything he sees, it translates in his brain into shapes and triangles and algorithms. I'm telling you, we ought to hit more people in the head. I don't know if you read this. Rodney King found a cure for cancer. Nice. This just in. All right. Well, our next story, this is my favorite. My favorite one of the week by far. I don't know if it's going to make Vic angry. There's a decent chance. There's a 99% chance. Here we go. Apparently, the story starts off, it says the squid was partially cooked, so of course it was hot and bothered. A woman in Seoul, Korea, was eating semi-boiled squid when the cephalopod injected its sperm bag into her tongue. The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a prickling and foreign body, while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several small squirming creepy crawlies in her mouth. The squid was quoted as saying, ugh. You know, it's weird. I watched a Japanese cartoon just like that. I'm a little confused. First of all, I think I want a sperm bag. There's this... And what kind of shoes match? You don't have a sperm bag? How do you not have a sperm bag? This happens in every Japanese porno I watch. Yeah, exactly. I'm a little confused. It's called squid porn. The woman ate some squid and... I guess it wasn't dead. It said, doctors found the squid had left 12 small white spindle-shaped bug-like organisms in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek. Indeed, the woman's mouth had been essentially inseminated. So hasn't every woman's mouth essentially been inseminated? Well, yes. In which case... In which case, the squid leaned over and high-fived the kid at the circus. This means a squid has been blown more recently than I have. Yes. Oh, man. Now, the part they don't tell you in the story is the woman was, you know, being rushed out of the place to go to the hospital. The squid's like, call me. The squid was cooked, right? Half cooked. Part, yeah. Part cooked. So the squid was alive, partially. Is that what that means? Yeah, this is like alien. I mean, seriously? Is this woman deserved to have her face screwed? If you're going to be eating... On purpose. Yeah. Hey, you're half boiled. I'm going to jam you in my mouth. You know what? There's a good face. I'm surprised in Japan that's even a problem. Well, it says it's not the... The things they eat over there. It says it's not the first time a squid has tried to fertilize a human mouth. There have been several incidents in Japan where people have complained of oral stings by their food. Think about all the times... Maybe you should change what you're eating. Turns out the squid did not go well with the dog she was chewing on at the time. Yeah. Think about all the times, Drew, you've tried to fertilize a mouth. I mean, you know, I get it. It was an awkward rider over here. I can tell you that. There's no way. What's this world coming to, yeah, when eating squid is more dangerous than eating dog? Oh. I mean... Stereotype jokes. Who doesn't love them? But seriously, a sperm bag? Nothing better than five white dudes just getting racial. Hold on. I can... Is that the... Are you telling me which nationality likes impregnated faces from dinner? I think that's every nationality. Let's be honest. Well, you know what? We have... That's interspecies porn right there. Yeah. Interspecies erotica, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, like, I saw that movie. We just... I went with Gus over here. We just went and saw... SpongeBob Squid Face? Well, you know, that's the thing. We talked about this. The Republicans, I think if they read that story, they would probably be, like, mad because they're against oral stings. They're against oral sex. They're against masturbation. They're against all that. Hold on. That's not true. And abortion, too. First of all, that's a vast... I'm not Republican, but I think that we... Well, the right wing. You don't think they're against that? No, I think the far, far, far right. But you said Republicans. Okay. You're right. I mean, those Republicans are as much as the Democrats having affairs and doing all kinds of... Well, yes. Yeah, but they're doing it. They're also the ones bringing people up on charges while they're doing it. Yeah, and Democrats are like, yeah, I'm fucking. Don't look under my desk. There's somebody there. Well, you remember when they had that whole debate about if a woman gets pregnant, they should try and see it as a gift. So I guess the moral of that cephalopod story is... There's nothing better than a gift that ruins your life. If a squid inseminates your face, make squidonade. This is why... Thank you. Squidonade. You know who I feel bad for is her boyfriend who probably made out with her that night or something. Because you're like, man, your breath is just... So one of the things got in his mouth and then when his face gets pregnant, he's like, sure you didn't hook up with the squid. Even worse would be if her boyfriend was like, man, I recognize that smell. Oh. That's going to bring us to questions. Okay. We have a couple more stories. If we have time, we'll get back to it. It is time for questions. Now, if you would like to join us here, if there's something you want to chime in on, please feel free. You can call us here at Skid Row, 800-893-9562. You can either hit us with a question or you can always call us. Join in with one we already have. Here we go. Our first question comes to us from Connor in Studio City. Connor wrote in, I've been dating this girl for over two months. Every time we go out, she expects me to pay. Is this fair? Yes. That depends what happens after the date. At the end of the date. Oh, actually, it also depends on who asks who out. Don't you think that's fair nowadays? I think once you've been dating over two months, I... I think if he's asking this question... Are you asking someone out or are you just going out after two months? If he's asking... Yeah, that's a good question. If he's even asking this question, he's not getting blown enough. That's the first answer. Connor, Connor, if you're listening... Oh, here we go. Here we go. Vic has got some words for Connor. Connor, here's the deal. You pay. If you want... Don't be... That's what being a man is, Connor. I do not agree. I completely agree. Hey, Vic, so how long was the ride from 1952? Was it a long drive? No, Gus. I don't know what your love life is like, these days, but... Oh, you do. Yeah, I do. Stop calling. The truth is that when you date in this year, you pay. Just this year? Next year? No. That's what's called being a man. Chivalry. Now, here's the thing. You open the door for a lady. I actually go... I support both sides of this because I am old-fashioned. I tend to always pay. Old and old-fashioned aren't the same thing. I tend... Well, I think it also depends if she's like, hey, can we go out? And she should pay her side. I would say that. If she asks... I think once you're in a relationship with somebody, then it is not strictly the guy's responsibility. Absolutely. You're right, Drew. My advice to him would be simple. If you're worried about paying and you're not getting blown enough to make this a non-issue, start taking her to Arby's every night. Make Tuesday your special 99-cent soft taco night at Del Taco. That's your night. Eventually, your relationship ends and you're not getting blown. What he's got to do, Drew, is find an opportunity to say, hey, look, I just paid my car insurance. I just paid my mortgage. I'm wiped out this week. And see how she responds to see if she's a keeper or not. And then if she... If she's like, no problem, I got this. Yeah. If she doesn't step up... That happened to me one time, man. Literally, I paid for a girl for a month straight because I had a good job. I made a lot of money. She made nothing. And finally, literally after about a month, one time I just told her, I said, this place doesn't take credit cards. It was like seven bucks I needed from her. She's like, I don't have any cash. And I would have... You know, I was... I was this close to saying, then get your... Did she get a ride home? Yeah, I was... Here's the problem. Here's where I have an issue. And this really does bother me. I don't like when I pay for a meal for a date and the girl doesn't say thank you. Oh, I didn't know that. That is really annoying. That's a sign of things to come. Yeah, that's like also like when you open the door for a girl back in the day and you... The car door, if by the time I have gotten to that door and she's not made some sort of effort... To unlock your side of the door. Even if she's like fiddling with the door, a button or something, absolutely. And I'll tell you why. Why, Drew? The reason is, like Chris said, it does lead to a greater issue. The same girl that doesn't make an effort to open your door is not going to be good at giving head. Oh, I didn't know that. It is absolutely true. Same muscles? No, it's not the same muscles. It is a girl who... You open the door in a strange way. A girl who gives really good head. It is something that they enjoy, but it is a selfless act. They are doing it for you. They are thinking about you. Yep. That's true. And the same girl that thinks about you to open the car door is the voracious cocksucker that you want. You're right. That's 100% true. Here's the thing is... I'm here to help. Here's the thing is, I don't care what she does with the car door. I don't care what she's doing at dinner. If she's willing to put my penis in her mouth, she's a keeper. That's what I'm going with. But what I'm saying is that she's not going to be that girl. Yeah, she's not. So if you take her out, don't, you know, it's like, let's say you want you're going to be Vic and you are going to be taking her to a nice restaurant. You let her in the car. If by the time you hit your door, she has not made an effort, rethink where you're taking her. I say go to Arby's on that first date. In fact, that's how you decide if she's paying or not paying. If she doesn't try to open the lock, you're like, bitch, you're paying your half. I like it. Connor. And if she doesn't offer, you say, excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom. That's it. Let Vic help Connor. I want to give Connor some advice here. Connor, I hope you're, you know, still listening. I'm sure he is. My thought is this. When I pay for a woman on a date, I'm not just doing it for her. I love that pause. When I pay for a woman on a date. When I pay for a woman on a date. You know, that's different than just paying for. Connor, are you listening? Here. This is important, Connor. I'm here. Connor. It's very important to get this across. I want to share this with you and also the gentleman here in the room. Holy shit, tell him already. Yeah. Here's the deal. When I pay for a date, I'm not doing it for her necessarily. It also gives me great pleasure. Oh, is this the man thing again? Yeah. Well, no. I love being a taken care of a woman. I love the feel of it and it feels right. There's something beautiful and special about that. All right, then. You suck so much. Yeah. Seriously. I love when a girl pays for me. I take it back that we don't have enough women on this show. We've got Vic. That counts. No. What I'm saying is true. Giving is, when you give, it's really, you're the one who gets. Let me tell you. It depends. If not, you're leaving her at the restaurant. That's a good point. No, no. I had a girl actually take me out for her birthday and then pay for me at a Morton's Steakhouse and then also have sex with me. It was on her birthday. Oh, a woman. Listen, this is where we're going to wrap up this question, but the same way I talked about the car door, a woman that insists on paying for you is always going to be better in the sack also because it's the same thing. She's willing to look out for you. So, Connor, I'd say, dump her, move on, find a girl that is offering and you'll be better off. But before you do, go out with a bang, man. I mean, go out somewhere expensive and fucking order up and then just be like, hey, look, left my wallet at home. Yeah, exactly. You're going to break up with her, you know, go down in flames. Go out big. All right, next question. This one comes from Connie in Encino. Connie wrote us and said, I'm seven months pregnant and I'm horny a lot of the time. My husband won't make love to me. He says it freaks him out. Is there anything I can do? Yeah, call me. I'll take care of you. We'll all have sex with you. You see, I wouldn't. There's no way. I'm with her husband. No, that freakish, no way. Absolutely. What, really? No. Oh, Drew, that's so disappointing. I am not one of those who looks at a pregnant woman and go, that's beautiful. I'm so disappointed in you. It's not about beautiful, it's about like, I just, I'll just. It's got a vagina? Yeah. I mean, especially if it's just because she's pregnant. Now, she's like eight tons and scary. Oh, no, I'm not talking about some, you really? I love pregnant women. Do you really? Yeah, I find them so out of my mind. I swear to you. I'm not kidding. I love it. I think it is so sexy because they are being a woman. Swollen. Only a woman can be pregnant. You were like a walking Dick Van Dyke episode. I don't understand. You were the. If it was really weird and creepy. Funniest 1950s chivalry. I don't know what the hell's going on. You know why? Because it's coming from the heart. This isn't an act. This is the truth. I love it. And also, I love that their breasts get bigger. And not that I, I love breasts of all sizes, but sizes, but. And shapes. She likes an octagon. Okay, okay. Here's the thing. We're discussing our own personal preferences and I understand that and we can, we can even cover a little more of that. But yeah, this is for Connie. What she has to do is she has to try, if she really wants to, and I don't know how possible this is, she has to try to convince him that having sex with her now is like getting a blowjob inside the sex. That's kind of what you have to think. So you're saying it's like the turducken of getting laid. That is right. You have a little telestrate. It's like, boom, this is where the penis is touching the fetus. Bam. Really, you're going to bring John Madden into their bedroom. That could work. Use a little bit of, a little bit of bribing. Be like, be like, all right, I'll tell you what. Every time you have sex with me, mark this shit down. You get a blowjob after I'm done being pregnant. And if she's kind of a comic book person like Ronnie, if he is, it can be a, be like having sex with the alien from Alien. Yeah, that'd be fun. Little head inside. Little mouth. See, that's what kind of creeps me out because like, I've heard. I see where you're coming from. Well, I've heard like, you know, because I, I've discussed this on stage. I've discussed this and I was like, one woman actually yelled out, you know, while I was on stage. She's like, that's how babies get dimples. And that completely freaked me out because I have dimples. That's not how it happens. That is not how it happens. It made me want to slap my father. Seriously. I was like, how dare you? And by all accounts, our friend Drew has a giant cock. Even your giant cock couldn't reach the baby. It's in a separate compartment. You're okay. It's a separate compartment. I am not convinced of that. Just go read some science books. The babies have arms. They could be reaching out. It's like getting jerked off at the same time. It's not right. I think the whole thing is, I find all that sexy. You find a little, a little baby hand reaching out. This is the form of pedophilia I've ever heard. It's the closest I'm going to get to a threesome. You know? To a halfsome? What if the kid was a savant that remembered everything including the womb and was like, yeah, I was molested. Yeah. I'm with you on this Drew. Just to mirror that. I mean, I've heard it's common for women to shit when they deliver babies. Like, there's no bigger turnoff than anything having to do with babies. Well, you're not fucking her while she's delivering a baby. Right. It's also common for them to shit while getting impregnated. What? I don't know if you know that. No, it is not. It is not. In your world, you should see Vic's face on that. He looks so serious. Like, no, it's very. That is not correct. Vic has paid so many women to shit during sex. He thinks it's normal. He forgot that he had to. He's got masks already. What, it's not normal? No. The other thing is. Not only not normal, I'm going to go with not acceptable. Here's the thing. No guy will turn down oral sex. It's just. Do you need that? Yeah. He's right. No man will turn down oral sex. So, one thing she could do, this would take a lot of work and props and things like that, but it'd be really cool if she could carve out a hole in the bed and somehow get under the bed and she'd just stick her head up through the mattress. Yeah, but she's horny. What is this doing for her? I don't know what's going on right now. I'm confused. Yeah. I don't know. That's why I took the pen from Vic. I didn't want him drawing pictures. But no, this isn't helping Connie though. No, the advice is, the advice is, I say bribe him. No, what I say to Connie, if you're listening, Connie, is you, what you need, Connie, is a super vibrator and just focus on that for eight months. Yeah, I agree with that. Well, she's only got. She's seven months pregnant. She's focusing on that for eight more months. She's got a problem. This baby's got to come out. You know, the thing that really bothers me about this story is, is her husband's name mentioned? No. No, okay, go on. I'm just going to say, this guy, you're despicable. You know, you're going to be a father-to-be. Your job is to satisfy your lady, to satisfy your woman. He did. He did. He got the job done. Dude, what if he goes in too far, hits his baby in the head, and now the baby's this musical genius? You know, it's funny, but let me tell you something. It's a positive thing. This guy is so pathetic. It's a positive thing. He is so pathetic, and he is so less, he's not a man. Connie, Vic Cohen on Facebook, he'll be right over there. He is amped and ready. That's my advice. Connie's husband can make the next Eddie Van Halen with his cop. I can't stand these kind of guys. All right, well, now, okay, our next question then. Let's go to this one. Oh, okay, this is a funny one, actually. This one amuses me. It says, I recently got set up on a blind date. He was cool, and I like him, but he has a mullet. Oh, Ron? I'd like to see him again, but I can't deal with his hair. Any suggestions? But this question came to us from Tammy in Butte, Montana. The suggestion would be move to a state where everyone doesn't look like Joe Dirt. Right. So she's upset about his mullet? Yeah, she lives in Butte, Montana, and she cannot do... you dating someone in Butte, Montana? No. Ron doesn't, well, Ron has a semi-mullet. I have a semi-mullet. Yeah. I have long hair in the back is a little bit longer because I cut my own hair, so... That's a mullet. Yeah, or as we like to call that little portion of the show, reasons why Ron has a mullet. No, I've been... Look, I'm not Kid Rock, God damn it. I've done stand-up in Butte, Montana. I mean, seriously, the women, I mean, you know, like you go other places and chicks have like landing strips there, like vaginas have mullets. Yeah, yeah. If you look at a girl's vagina in Butte, it actually looks like Kid Rock. Yeah, but it sings better. So, the question is, what should she do? Is there anything she can do, I guess, she wants to know? when he's sleeping. Ask... Really? Yeah. How long are they been dating? No, they just had one blind date and she liked him, though. They get into it. If they get into a relationship, she can be like, look, sweetie, I think you're awesome, but I'm not a big fan of the mullet. Can we try something else? Take him to Supercuts on his birthday. I don't think that until she is having sex with him, she has a leg to stand on. to stand on. She really has a problem. We've been talking about blowjobs a lot today. Just be blown and be like, I don't really like mullets. I give less blowjobs with mullets. I'd be more inclined to finish this if you didn't have a mullet. The next sound you hear is a scissors. Yeah. Go to Kinko's. Yeah, drop a little graph with some colors and the proportion, the ratio between mullets and blowjobs. All right, perfect. We'll move on on that one. I don't understand a pie graph. Our next question this one comes to us right from here in Silver Lake. Dave wrote us and says, my girlfriend talks to her stuffed animals. She's normal in every other way, but what's up with that? I don't even see a problem. He should be happy with that. My girlfriend talks to her cats. The more they talk to the animals, the less they talk to you. Buy more stuffed animals. Boom. Encourage it. Yeah. Put some fluffy ears on your penis. I just wonder, it depends on the level that she's talking to them. If she uses them as consultants, like, you know, if you've got different ones for different issues, like this one, I go to for sex questions. This one's my financial advisor. You know. Buy herself. Buy herself. I think it's, next time they're arguing, she's like, Petey, the cat said you'd do this. I think it's adorable and I love it. I love when women talk to stuffed animals with their little voices or to pets as you were saying. You know, I love that because that's like what a woman does. If a guy would do that. Vic is like my life counselor. Like, seriously, I think I'm going to have to take my cues. Vic's like the sweetest guy ever. He is. Except for that he does want girls to be super girly. I do like girly girlies because that's what they are. They're girls. I like, I like, I like a little, I mean. Yes, but there's clearly a part of him that would also like to keep them in small boxes. Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying. Have you ever made love to a woman while she's holding on to her teddy bear? I'm sorry, say that again. Her teddy bear? No. No. Whenever you, if you say something like that, you generally don't picture a woman. Yeah. I'm just asking. I'm just asking. I haven't. Vic's age range, woman starts at seven. If she can be in a beauty pageant, she's a woman. Oh, wow. You know, I was at, I was at. I hope you all enjoyed our run of bad advice. Yeah, I was. It's downtown and there's going to be a line of women outside. I was at Walmart earlier today and I saw Vic out there. He had replaced the little five cent pony with himself. I know. I think. Actually, I could see Vic like outside a supermarket, you know, like the little rides, you know, the little horse that you just, you put in 25 cents and then you crawl on it and it just moves around. What are you saying? I was going to do that. That's terrible. Would that work? Vic, I need to, I need to borrow a pair of mirror shoes. Just assuming that you have. Did they make those? So, okay, so you think, I figured you did. you make those. So, you're saying to Dave, it's not a big deal. He's okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, if he doesn't like that, date a guy. All right, well, there you go. Actually, I have a stuffed animal. I don't talk to it, but I do have a stuffed animal. I have stuffed animals. Yeah, I sleep with my stuffed animal. No, you don't. No, I really do. What did you do to your last girlfriend? I don't go out of town with it or anything, but I have to hug something. I don't bring it to work. Does the doll have pants? No, it's a stuffed. Are you getting confused with your real life in the movie, The Beaver? Oh, yeah, that's right. What is the animal? It's a stuffed dog. Did your therapist say that's a good way to get in touch with your inner child or something? No, I just have always slept with a stuffed animal. If I don't have it, I just sleep with a sweatshirt or something because I just need to hug something with my right arm. Once the dog died, he felt bad letting it go, so he had it stuffed every night. It's actually a real dog. It's actually a real dog. I like to bury myself. Does anyone else do that? I take pillows, especially when I'm at a hotel and there's plenty of extra pillows. Oh, bury, okay, I thought I was taking it for more literally. Then I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air. I love the fact that you sleep with a stuffed animal. Yeah, totally, man. I think that's really sweet. Totally comfortable with it. I have a real dog that I sleep with. Yeah, my cat sleeps, I have the stuffed animal here and then my cat sleeps right next to my other arm. The women must love that. Dude, my girlfriend's cool with it. Vic, right now, Vic's looking at you and all he's seeing is Mary Tyler Moore from the Dick Van Dyke Show. All he's seeing. I love that. I have a Teletubby. And we have a love connection. I know, that's something nice. Something that didn't make Vic angry. Oh, my God. No, I have a red Teletubby. I ain't gonna write Vic. I am going to, here's the thing, we're gonna move on because this next story, I am willing to make a bet it's going to at some point make Vic angry. Sweet. I am confident. I love these stories. So I'm gonna ask that you, you, you, hold off on answering right away because I want to see the anger build. Here we go. This one comes to us from Scott in Richmond. I'm furious. Scott wrote in, Scott wrote in, he says, my girlfriend's sister has cancer. To show her support, she wants to shave her head. I understand why she wants to do it, but I don't want to live with a bald chick. What can I do? Vic, can you make her a wig out of your chest hair? Is that doable? No. You know, I've shared this in the past. I'm growing this chest out here for locks of love, so I do it every year. Well, no, but this isn't the, this isn't the one that has the cancer. You know, she wants to do it to show solidarity with her sister. I understand that, but at the same time, I understand where Scott's coming from because that would bug me too. Yeah, I was saying you should, she should just grow it out as like a flat top so that you can pretend you're having sex with Guile. Guile. Was that like a Street Fighter reference? Yes. I mean, even though it's a dude, it's still... How did, how did I even know that? Seriously? Why don't they compromise and let her grow out her armpit hair? I mean, there's no, there's... Yeah, because that's going to make them happy. No, wait. You do the full comb over for the armpit hair. Hold on. Are we talking totally bald? Bald, shaved. Now, here's the thing though, Vic does bring up an interesting point. I do think you can make a compromise. She can shave, but it doesn't have to be her head. Oh, that's nice. And then have her walk on her hands? Is that what you're going to have her do? No, just walk around naked. Put a pair of glasses on? A little Groucho Marx nose. Here's the thing, there's no scientific, and I understand the support, but there's no scientific evidence that if you make yourself uglier, your sister will get healthier. There's no, there's no... Yeah, I mean, seriously, think back. From the day that Sinead O'Connor shaved, it has been nothing but downhill for that guy. Although she was still actually pretty cute. What's that guy's name? Scott in Richmond. Scott. If you're listening. Scott. Scott. Listen to Vic. Listen to Vic. This should be good. Listen. First of all, first of all, you need to support your lady. If she wants to shave her head, let her shave her head. Hair grows back. Hair grows back. News flash. Hair grows back. Unless your sister also gets cancer. So does cancerous tumors. I don't know why that was so funny, but it really was. I like that. Yeah, that was funny. You see, Vic, you're always so supportive of the woman in this thing, but I'm going with Scott. It's like, look, he didn't sign on. It's one thing if your girl has to go for cancer treatments and then it's like, okay, she loses her hair. I'm supportive of that, but he's entitled to be sexually attracted to his woman and if he's, now, you're a good looking guy who signs hair, but you're a guy. That doesn't necessarily apply to the girl. It's a temporary thing. The hair will grow back. Let him support the girl. Are we taking off? That'd be awesome if this whole building is flying around downtown. We've angered the gods. Would you, so you're suggesting you're good for support, but maybe a t-shirt that says I'm with Baldy? Yes. Something like that. Yes. That's very nice. I just think that you let your girl, it's his wife or girlfriend? Girlfriend. They live together apparently. Let her support her sister? It's her sister. Yeah, I mean, this guy, you know. But are there other ways to show support? This is how she wants to do it. This could be a good thing. You know why? Why? This is what you do. You go get a bunch of sexy ass wigs. Make her wear wigs in bed. Some role play. You know what? I had that once. A girlfriend of mine, she knew I loved blondes, but she couldn't dye her hair because she's an actress and whatever. So she wore a blonde wig for me, and I couldn't do it. I could not make love to her because to me it was like, I saw a Hasidic, no, I saw a, when I looked at her, I saw a Hasidic woman in, you know, going through chemo. That's what it looked like to me. You know, it was like a bad wig. How was blonde? How oddly specific of you. Her name was Esther. A Hasidic blonde. Some freaky. You turn this into something fun and freaky, man. Just get her to wear some costumes and wear some big crazy wigs. You can't turn it into just freaky. Do some X. I don't even do drugs and I'm saying do some X. I think that's some fine advice. And wear some wigs. You're right. I love that, Ron. I see Ron's logic, but I think he's only encouraging her to pull a stunt like this in the future. So what I think is he needs to psych her out, use a kind of reverse psychology where he says, why don't I grow my hair out instead? Why don't you grow your hair out to encourage her to grow her, you know what I mean? Help her beat that cancer. To show her what can happen. If she beats that cancer, she can have that hair back. You just made a great idea. It came up with something great here. I don't even know if you realize it. The guy could say, I'll shave my head. Sweetheart, you keep your hair. You look so gorgeous, but I'm going to shave my head in solidarity. I like that too. I like that too. And then would it be ironic if the woman said, no, no, you look ridiculous with your head shaved. There's no way. But if she does do that, then you can say, well, now you know how I feel. That's the solution. Okay. Well, there you go. I like that. We'll move on then. Our next one comes to us from Deb from Long Island. Deb has written, my daughter is determined to audition for American Idol. Both my husband and I agree that she can't sing. We don't want to discourage her, but we don't want her to be hurt either. What do we do? Let her go get Phil. What? Let her go fail. I'll go fail. I thought you said, let her go get Phil. I'm like, who's Phil? Let her go fail because you, and then you just, you pissed off. For public humiliation, she's going to be one of the first episode of the season. Yeah, get on. You can't tell your daughter. Do you know what happens? Have you ever seen American Idol? Yeah, the first two episodes of Look How Bad These People Are. Yeah, the ridiculous ones. She's going to. She might, depending on how bad she is. She'll be in the line. She'll go through the line. They'll be like, no, thank you. And then they won't. Unless you're really bad. They're not writing in unless they think she's so bad she is going to suffer public humiliation. Yeah, well, here's what. That's a good way to get your kid to stop singing. Here's the problem here. Now that I'll agree with. Here's a problem and I even see it in this room. So I'm going to try and help you guys out too with this. Oh, I'm so excited. Thank you, Vic. I'm going to offer some advice because you guys are off the mark here a little bit too. Here's the deal. Oh, I am. Yeah, there is. Just listen to this. This is important. I was so unaware. This is important. There's no such thing as failing. You know what failing is? Failing is not trying. Not trying. Yeah, you're right. And I would encourage my daughter, son. That is such crap. It's not crap. Yeah, here's what you do because you can't tell her she stinks. We're doing this show. I don't care where it goes. It's we're doing it. That's the success. No, no, I agree. You can't tell her she stinks. And you don't want her to be on the first episode where she's embarrassed in front of everyone. What you do is you have her perform for family and friends in your house before anything happens and then when she's halfway through her performance you boo her off stage. By the way. That's what you do. You insult her with a British accent. You say you suck, dog. You let her know what she's in for. Yeah, you let her know You go, sweetie, if you thought that was awful and humiliating, wait till you're on national TV and there's 3,000 people in the audience. Yes, but I agree with both of those. I think those are fine, fine pieces of advice. But Vic, when you say you can't fail, I agree. There is no harm in trying. I encourage trying. But that does not mean you can't fail. If you pass out right now, if you have a heart attack five minutes from now. God forbid. God forbid. I don't believe in God, but good luck. If you have a heart attack right now, we have two options. I could call the paramedics. Which we're going to. Or I could say, you know what? I think I got this. I'm going to try. You don't need paramedics. I could fail. I'd try CPR. I could fail. I have seen many episodes of VR. I can do this. First of all, that's not even what we're talking about. That's a good point. Would you rather I just sing while you sit there and just pulse? No, I just don't even think that's relevant. I say give this girl voice lessons and see what the fuck happens. You know, also, you can't give me voice lessons. No, some people cannot sing. That is a fact. It doesn't, listen, this is where you guys are also off the mark. And I apologize for being so candid. What? You're never candid. But here's the deal. No, let me just point this out. Tell us how you really feel. This is important. This is important. When you're on American Idol, even in those opening episodes where they show who's bad, you're on American Idol. That's like awesome. No, I disagree with you. No, I do too. I disagree. There's two people that have made money off of being embarrassed publicly like that and everybody else is like, hey, your cousin's a schmuck. I saw him last night. No. Let me tell you something. Also, the thing is also, there's no such thing as they say bad publicity. I agree with that. And also, you get paid, you know. You're going to get a SAG or after payment, that's the union, for those of you who don't know, for acting, and you're going to get residuals. So if you get knocked up and made fun of, you still could pick up a couple grand. That is the encouragement that I needed when I was on To Catch a Predator. And by the way, you were excellent. Very convincing. My father was not there for me anymore. And I heard Ron also, I just don't think, like, I lost it. All right. Well, we got time for one or two more questions. And then I want to go into, you know, actually, before we even do this next question, I'll remind people again at the end. Next Sunday, a week from tomorrow at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. Yeah. June 20th. All of us here in this room are doing our first, as well as a couple of other comics, we are doing our first live bad advice stand-up show. It is going to be a lot of fun. I encourage people to come out. It is going to be at Flappers in Burbank. The Yoo-Hoo Room. In the Yoo-Hoo Room. On the 24th. On the 24th, 9 p.m. Price of admission, $5. That's right. Because we take care of our fans. Only $5 admission. It's going to be a lot of fun. You're going to see everyone do stand-up. And that's going to be followed by a live version of bad advice where we will be taking people's questions and having people, you know, both ones that have been submitted and from the audience. Plenty of free parking. Mm-hmm. Full bar. Burbank Mall parking lot. That's the best way to go. It's a beautiful downtown. You have to come and see the joy that is Vic Cohen in person. It's going to be a great night. I actually haven't seen, the only person I've seen do stand-up here is Chris Z. So I'm very excited. No, this is my act. You've just seen it. Oh, excellent. I will not do the egg bit, but I will be doing stand-up. Awesome. Oh, and by the way, I want to wish those fathers out there a happy Father's Day. That's right. Happy Father's Day. Good eye, Vic. You know what? This one, we have a father that, it's funny because that's one of our questions here. Mark in Laguna Beach wrote to us and he wanted to know, he says, my in-laws love to come and visit for days at a time. My wife loves it, but I hate it. Is there anything I can do? Yeah, why doesn't he talk to her? You can't talk to your wife. Have sex with your mother-in-law. Have you met women, Vic? You've met women, right? I was married once. Once again. And you learned so much. No, I think the only, it's like, you know, with Beetlejuice. Get divorced. You know, like Beetlejuice, you have to scare the people to get them to not come back. You cannot provide a welcoming environment to these people. You leave that to them. So you have to do something. Exactly. Like you have to leave around some of the most disgusting, heinous porn. Yeah. You leave the bedroom door open and even if your wife, because if she's your wife, she's probably not letting you do the good filthy shit anyway. You scream the dirtiest shit you can out of that bedroom in the middle of the night. And if anyone walks in, you maintain eye contact and keep going. You cover your wife in the blanket in case anyone walks by and you scream shit like, oh honey, don't, I wouldn't stick that in there. Scream that a couple of times. That ain't looking to sleep. Also a weird thing that's less crazy. I say just, you know, make it clear that you're having sex on the kitchen table. You know, everything that you can possibly do that's going to make them not want to touch anything. Also never make eye contact with them when you're having a conversation. Just talk to their ear. Seriously. Try that sometime. It is the weirdest shit to do to a person. You don't make eye contact. Hey, how's it going? And when you shake their hands, just keep your hand very, very straight. And limp. Just super limp. And wet. Make sure your hand's wet every single time. Always have sweaty hands. How long are the in-laws in town? Well, he says that they come often and stay for days at a time. You know what? But that's, that's not the first time that happened. That's the product, that's the end product of you being too welcoming. You saying things like, my house is your house. You gotta... Well, the other thing, my other piece of advice is you have to move because seriously, you live in Laguna Beach. Laguna Beach is beautiful. I would go hang out at Mark's house for days at a time. You know what you could do is put itching powder in the bed. It's an old trick. It is an old trick. Itching powder won't do it. Crabs, crabs will do it. You leave, I think, well, in Vic's case, you could probably use your chest. I think most of us, you grab a handful of pubes, you just sprinkle it around the house. You always have the bathroom dirty too. I don't know what's going on downstairs with you, but the fact you can pull a handful of pubes makes me want to vomit. Wait, do you see my website? What are you talking about? Look how hairy you are, man. Yeah, but I keep myself well-groomed. You've got like a mane. I'm well-manicured. Oh, okay. He's a bear in the middle. Down, he's like a two-year-old. You know, in all seriousness, the... There is no seriousness. There is none. The guy needs to talk to his wife and come up with a compromise. That's what we do. Now we're giving bad advice. No, no, no, Vic. What are you doing? Vic forgets the name of the show every once in a while. He thinks the show is called Pleasantville. You know what? What I'm trying to do here, what I'm trying to accomplish... This is what happens in Vic's 1950s black and white girl. I'm trying to help people. He's like, you speak to her, and if that doesn't work, you backhand her because she got uppity. I would never hit a woman. No, I would not suggest that. But I think conversation... You tell the colored cleaning lady to... You guys can mock me. Have your fun. We enjoy that. With your funny... Yeah, but the truth is that women are very... Very open to conversation. No, no, he's right. Yeah, as long as they're the ones talking. Correct. They're very open to you receiving what they have. Exactly. Yeah, they compromise the way Republicans do. Here's the other thing is, if you don't like that, first of all, and this is for... Okay, we're going to have to wrap it up. I'll just wrap it up with... You know, marry someone who's a... What do you call it when you live in a... You have no parents. An orphan. An orphan. Just marry an orphan if you don't like... Yeah. That's almost the same thing. Yeah, pretty much. An adult... At least they're not close with the parents that they're stripping. Yeah. All right, listen, I want to thank... Go ahead. Two words that will get anyone out of your house on their own volition, night terrors. Much screaming. All right, listen, I want to thank everybody for being here. We got 20 seconds. Kenneth August, listen to him on the weekly wrap-up every Sunday, 4 to 5. We got Ron Swallow. You'll see him, Chris Z, Vic Cohen, myself, Drew Marks, all bad advice live. Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank next Sunday, 9 o'clock. 94. Thank you very much. We'll see you next week.