Communication in D/s relationships and poly dynamics

It's like the total like hipster thing to do. Oh, please no. I've been bombarded with like hipsters lately. Have you noticed that they've increased like exponentially in the last, let's say, four to six months? Yeah. It's bad. It is bad. It's an epidemic. It is, especially in LA. It's no good. Yeah. It's no good. Don't you just totally feel like you're home now? Yeah, I know. Hey, we're back. Thank you, Jeremy. We're back. I was just saying, I feel like Dorothy. You welcomed us home. I clicked my heels together and I'm back in Kansas. Yes. Although there's more driving and all of that kind of stuff. I'm okay with that. Well, I kind of liked it where it was so convenient. Where you just, yeah, no. Where I just went upstairs. You realize how that wasn't really convenient for me though. But you were living at my house basically anyway. So there's that. Hey, who are you? Hey, I'm Insidious Muse. Oh, hey, what's up? And who are you? I'm Service Sly. Ah, isn't that interesting? Yeah. And this is Intellectual Kink. Yes. And if you're listening, you are what we call kink-electuals. Yes. Which I think is kind of witty. Wait, I came up with it. I should think it's witty. I'm kind of sick. So you're always sick. No, I'm not always sick. I'm just, you know, just. Just. Just. Yeah. Just. Yeah. Well, for our magical conversation, come back, you know, I don't know. I don't know. What do we call this? You know, don't call it a comeback. We've been here for years, which we have actually. We have been here for years. We technically, you know, our show's running almost two years on Skid Row. I think so. Yeah. And then, you know, we had a, we had a sabbatical. Sabbatical, yeah. And then we had a metamorphosis or in marketing terms, a rebranding. And we are now rebranded as Intellectual Kink. See how that works? Bam, bam, bam. Which, thinking about it is probably the dumbest thing we could have done because all of those other people that had subscribed to the Lovebite are gone. But I really enjoy challenges. All right. So here we are. And here we are. The challenges. Yeah. I like how you totally like wordsmithed that entire thing. It is, it is one of my gifts. That and justifying anything I can, you want me to justify it? Let's figure it out. I can do it for you. Wow. It is a gift. If you know the field in which I professionally work. Yes. That works out very well. I, exactly what I was just thinking. It might have been, you know, one of those things that happens. Hey, people, we're live. Yeah. Like now, like you can listen to us. This is happening now. Yes. We have people on the East Coast. There are people that are just waking up in England. Well, they have to wake up really early, but I'm not saying it's not possible. Yeah. You know, whatever. Madden Chains. What? I haven't talked to him in forever. You know why? Because he changed his Twitter name. Oh. Something else. Oh, now I can't find him. All right. I'll point him out to you later. Okay, cool. Don't do this to me, people. You can't change your name and your av. I won't know who you are. And then I'll probably think you're a creep. It's just true. It's just the way it goes. You know what would have helped you in those instances is a little bit of communication. So happens to be our topic. Segway. What? Segway. Yes. So it's really interesting. I don't know if anybody knows this, but I'm kind of the world's therapist. Like everybody comes to me and tells me their life story. Their whole life story. And so I get to hear a lot of communication issues. She's using the cough button. I totally had to announce that because I never use the cough button. You're a jerk. Continue. Continue. And so, you know, in that, I get to see third person a lot of things that happen because of miscommunications. Anything from, you know, the omission of a minor fact or what is perceived as a minor fact by one person within the party. And then what is perceived as a huge fact by the other person in the party. Or maybe there's a third or a fourth person in the party, which of course makes these facts even more important. Yeah. Hey, what's up? Hey, how's it going? What's up? You make me nervous. Why? Because I've had a really shitty day. Well, you know, you have shitty days and then the person that ends up like kind of feeling it a little bit is this one right here sometimes. Well, you know, you. I was kind of afraid for you to give me a hug a little bit ago because I was like, fuck, she's not in a good mood. And her energy is going to be all like, fuck you and fuck your face. Well, you know. I mean, I love you and you were a contributing factor to part of the mood. So, you know, it's one of those things. Yeah. There's that. There's that. So as a dominant, I have a question in terms of communication. Yes, ma'am. What do you find is your best strategy to listen? Because listening is a part of communicating. I'm actually a really good listener. It's one of my, it's one of my fortes. How do you know that you're a good listener? I'm not challenging you personally, but I'm saying how do you, how do you know that you're a good listener? Well, it can go back to the, like, you know, listening 101, business listening. You know, are you, are you an active listener? Are you an attentive listener? All those things. And it's when somebody is telling you a problem, we can just put this into basic work scenarios. Somebody comes to you with a problem, a work problem. Can you listen to it? And can you explain it to them back? Say, am I understanding you correctly? This is your problem, ABC. And simplify it as much as you possibly can. And they go, yeah, that's my problem. Okay, cool. If I can do that on a consistent basis, I'm a good listener. So receiving confirmation of what was said to you, that's how you know? Yeah. Well, and then I also solve problems. Okay. See how I did that? Where I listened to what you said. And then I said it back. To you? Yeah, but you said it like a little bitchy. So I was like, oh, put it in. What? No, you're in a bad fucking mood. I am in a bad mood. So you think that you're perceiving things in a way that it's not. Okay. Perception. That is a huge key in communication. Now, I used kind of a really non-emotional way to describe kind of active listening. Because, you know, in, in, in, let's say a work scenario, we all are, we all wear our facades, our work masks. We all have different masks that we wear in different times of our lives. It's a, you know, a psychological and sociological realism. But when we are dealing with something that is emotional, when it has to do with relationships, it becomes a little bit more difficult because you're no longer really wearing a mask. You're doing it yourself and with your heart and you are putting emotions and the possibility of getting hurt on the line. And so it makes it a little bit harder because throwing all that in, not only are you dealing with what people are saying, but how you're perceiving it. And everything you're perceiving it through is through the filter of your past shit, your past baggage, your fears, your insecurities, everything, which makes it even harder to communicate. Does that make sense? Yes. So it's one of those things where I can say to you, which we do this all the time. I could say to you, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Your, your service was subpar. You know, which a dominant saying it to their submissive is, is a fairly painful experience. You know, there isn't much worse than disappointing your dominant when you're a submissive. And to have it be said in such a stark term, I mean, there's, it's not just, oh, if a then bad, it's not that. It's all of these other things, this complete downward spiral, the dominoes start falling in. Oh my God, what else is there? What else is going on? There's all of these things that start chewing at you as a person because of that. So there's the processing of the information that takes its toll as well. And so it's difficult then to communicate back. You know, I mean, how, what goes on in you when I tell you things like I'm disappointed? All of what you just described. It's, oh, she's disappointed. Oh, we're done. Everything's over. My life is over. She's done. This is over. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. She's done. This one mistake is ruining my entire life. A little, um, a little over top, but yeah. Well, you asked what goes on in my head. I get that. I get that. Does that make it difficult then to communicate? For me to respond to whatever it is that you said? To process it. Oh, tons. Not even to the responding point. The processing it. Yes. However, disclaimer, I'll be the first one to admit that I process shit in a really fucked up way sometimes where I'm a lot harder on myself than I need to be. But I think in general, you know, when you hear something, you almost, you have to filter it out. You have to filter out what is factual, what is logical, and what feels like almost like a personal attack. Okay. You're not always so good at that. How do you do that? I'm, I, that's why I said in general, that's not, that's not me. Like, I know that that's my weakness. I am very well aware of the fact that. I don't think it's just your weakness. I think it's a human weakness. And that's why, I mean, if you can figure out a way to do that, I mean, that would probably be very insightful. Um, I try not to have the conversation soon. Wait, soon? No, I mean, if something is said to me and I don't feel like I've finished reacting yet, I haven't processed it, then I don't want to have a conversation. Yeah, I do the same thing. But the problem that often arises when you do that is that you're not the only person that's depending on the conversation. Someone else might already be ready to talk about it and they don't want to wait longer because it's just going to be there and just fester, you know? And so then it's how do you balance, you know, that person who just fucking wants to just get past it and just, you know, do whatever and get it over with. And then that person who just needs to be there. Yeah. And that means a little bit of extra time to really figure out what everything means to them, how they really feel about it. And that's hard. That's really tough. Well, and I think it becomes exponentially more difficult when it's the D type who is setting all of, you know, the basically the communication boundaries at that point after you've already established your pre-established limits, et cetera, and things like that. And they're saying that, you know, we're having this conversation now. You don't have a choice. But when you're not emotionally ready for it, to me, that makes it a one-sided conversation. It's really not communication. You're talking at someone. For those that would understand the difference, it becomes a soliloquy, which is, you know, somebody talking to themselves as opposed to a monologue, which is a lot of person talking, but apparently somebody's listening. And so that, I mean, again, these are all of the things that come into the challenges of communication. But outside of getting into that shit, which makes it really challenging, I think we can kind of start with the basics, the basics of communication. I think honesty, which is kind of like step one, is actually really challenging steps sometimes. And the reason that I say that, not because people inherently are dishonest, I think that the challenge is in order for one to be honest, you have to be honest. And sometimes we're not always so honest with ourselves because for whatever reason, the truth is upsetting, challenging. It challenges us. It draws into question things that we don't want to necessarily think about. Mm-hmm. And so if you haven't had that moment of self-reflection... Yeah. ...or many moments of self-reflection, then the conversation that you're going to have with somebody is really only half-baked. And that makes it a real challenge from that. I mean, and that's when you even know potentially what the issue is. Does that make sense? Yes. Have you had experience with this? Oh, girl. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like you are intending to be dishonest. You just don't have the words. You don't know. So, okay. So I had been struggling for a long time to identify something that I was feeling in relation to my mom not being around anymore. And I couldn't fucking figure it out. And I was just really, I mean, I thought, okay, well, am I depressed? Yeah, kind of, sort of. No, totally, actually. Am I angry? Yeah, okay. I have all of those feelings, but like, what is it that's happening? And then a mutual friend of ours sent me an article and I was reading it. And it was about someone coping with the loss of their mother. And towards the end, she described this sense of feeling orphaned. And I thought, yes, that's it. That's the thing. That's the thing that I've been feeling all this time that I haven't been able to identify. And so, when I guess, to bring it back to the story, back to the point, you know, so much dishonesty occurs because sometimes you don't know the word for what you're feeling. And you almost kind of look towards the other person so that they can identify it. You feel like, okay, well, you know, if this is something that's happening between us, maybe you know what it's called before I do. Can you clue me in? Because I don't know. Or it's taking me a little bit longer to fucking figure it out. So how about we just fucking cut to the chase and you tell me what the fuck's going on. What's going on? That seems flawed. Absolutely, it's flawed. To put it mildly. No, it is absolutely flawed because, you know, what's not important is if you can tell me what it is that I'm feeling, it's important for me to know what the fuck I'm feeling. Absolutely. Because it doesn't matter if you, even if you just put fucking words in my mouth, it doesn't matter because if I'm not understanding what's happening, if I can't understand it for myself, then no matter what you say to me, I'm not going to process it. Any faster. Yeah, but also beyond that, it's not even just understanding. I mean, you can even understand something, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to embrace it and do whatever it is that you need to do if there's an issue to fix it. Does that make sense? Yes. And that's a whole different layer and that's not even about communication. That's about shit. Yeah. You know, it's one of those things. We should have an episode called shit. Shit. An episode called shit. People will be like, I don't like that kind of play and I'll be like, it's a hard limit. It's not what we're talking about. And that's a big thing, that whole honesty and being honest with each other and honest with yourself and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But what's also an issue? Hold on a second. Nevermind. What's also an issue? She almost coughed. I almost burped. You said dainty. I saw dainty. Is the person that just doesn't say something that is... I see this in poly a lot. That either somebody doesn't think it's a big deal or they fear the response of one of their poly partners and so they don't tell them. They don't want to rock the boat. Yeah. Which is bad. Not a good thing. Don't do that. You gotta, you know, if you're a poly, if you have another partner and you're entertaining another partner, you gotta be open about it. You know, it just, it doesn't work. Now, I have had it happen where being totally open and honest sometimes backfires. And somebody's like, no, you're not telling me the truth. There's something you're hiding from me. You're lying. And it's like, wait, what? I just told you everything. I fucking laid everything out. That's the fucking truth. This is, this is this. No, you're lying. And then, you know, that's, that's, that's something else. That's jealousy, which is a different show altogether. But it's the same kind of thing where you gotta, you gotta try and just, you have to give the information to people. And the truth is, no, I'm technically not responsible for how you respond to the information I give you. But if I sit here and say, you're a fucking piece of shit, that is on me, actually. That's, you know, I have to, I have to take, I have to be the bearer of some responsibility. I have to be the bearer of some responsibility in that. Now, if I have, you know, a lot of data and empirical evidence to back it up, then, you know, it's a little bit different, but still, you know, you're still the bearer of the news. So don't shoot the messenger. But if they're the ones that are feeling it, you know, obviously it's one of those things. I think in having any kind of discussion, any lengthy discussion, I think it's important to keep in mind that, like you said, being responsible for your words. Um, knowing what kind of impact it's going to have. Um, and that's why, that's why I'm a huge proponent of taking the time that you need to process things. Cause it's like, fuck man. Like, okay, okay. What, what? Just go, just go, just go. Do what you do. Say exactly what it is that you said before you said processing things. I want, I want to hear that again. Cause I want to make sure that I'm responding to it correctly. Being responsible for your words? Being responsible for your words. Yes. One does need to be responsible for their words, obviously. But when you're in a relationship where someone's walking on eggshells constantly, that's fucked up. Right. There's only so long a person can be responsible for their words. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. cautious of a fragile opposing person before it's like, look, this isn't going to work. There's going to be some, some tough love. Something has to happen because. I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. All right. I mean, I get what you're saying. Absolutely. And I agree, but I'm talking about, you know, it's like play. It's like when we play and you strike me or you do something, whatever the fuck it is, you don't do it for the sake of doing it. You do it because there's an intent behind it. Whether it's to strengthen that, that energy exchange or whatever. I'm saying that with words, it's the same exact thing. You know, just like you wouldn't call me a piece of shit. Just all fucking willy nilly. Well, I wouldn't anyway, but yeah. That's, that's what, that's what I mean by being responsible with your words is that you speak with intent and you speak with clarity. Right. Okay. So that, so it goes, back to when you have these conversations, when you're communicating with a partner and we're really focusing on DS, but obviously there's a lot, there's, there's Polly, there's, you know, mono, there's vanilla. All of those things are, are circling around communication. It's a larger bubble, but, um, so it's about ensuring that you're not emotionally compromised in the moment of that communication. Because I know for me now, whether it's, it's good or bad, I don't know. It is what it is. I think we all have our own things. When I'm emotionally compromised, especially when I'm angry, I don't talk. It's the worst form of silent treatment. And I don't do it as a form of punishment. I really don't. Cause if I wanted to punish it, I would talk. Everybody you've ever heard is like collateral damage. Because when I have to speak, when I'm angry, it's not pretty. It's not good. I'm told I'm eloquent. Take that eloquence and add, um, barbing, stinging anger. And it's like that. Take also the fact that people tell me their deepest, darkest secrets and I know where to hit to make it hurt. And if I'm in that mood, I can do that. And I don't like doing it. I really don't like doing it. So when I'm angry, I have to be calm before I have the conversation and, and poor Nancy, too many times has been, are you angry with me? And I'm like, and for whatever it is, yes. And there've been times when it's like, I need radio silence right now because every text, every anything, it would just enrage me again, depending on what the issue was. And I needed to get that under control because I couldn't deal with, I couldn't get down to the brass, you know, to the root. Why am I so angry? Why is this happening? Why? And I needed to figure that. And so I was like, okay, we're going to try to figure that out before we can have a conversation because that's not fair to her. And that's not fair to me. And that's not fair to our relationship. So, but that being said, that's one of my, that's one of my things. I know myself well enough that I have to say nothing, but that is a significant challenge for the person on the other side. Like Nancy, when in that moment of silence or days of silence, as it's been sometimes she stews. Mm-hmm. And I, I can't even, I don't know. I can't even get out the trigger. So she doesn't even know where to begin. So she's, you know, she's going to, you know, dismiss me. And I mean, the world is exploding and everything is going willy nilly. So being uncommunicative is also a form of communication, as all you guys can tell. Well, obviously there's the silent treatment. And if you're doing it in a passive aggressive way, that's different. I really don't do it in a passive aggressive way. I try not to. I try to see like, look, I just need to, I need to not talk. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm not even aware. We had an issue today. And it was one of those, I wasn't aware how angry I was until Nancy asked me, are you upset with me? And then I was like, and then I realized, no. And I thought, wait, actually my first response was yes. And then I erased it and said, no, I'm not really upset. What am I? What am I? But there was something there was like, but I had so much shit going on and I've had so much fucking stress that I was like, I didn't know what it was. And then I realized, oh, there's this thing. Oh, I get it. I should probably say what this thing is and then not talk. Because I don't want to say anything that's awful. And even then, I mean, even what I said today was not particularly kind, but it was the best that I could come up with at the moment. If that makes sense. And I could have been really cruel and I wasn't entirely cruel. I love you, but is that supposed to make me feel better? No, because we haven't talked about it. We haven't had time to talk about it. That was not, no, no. But it's, yes. I mean, it's one of those things where understanding your partner's communication style is so important. It's so important. Well, and I think that you get to that. I mean, just like how you get to other things in relationships, it takes time. You know, you get to know someone and it's not something overnight where you know how their little tics work. Trial and error. Yes. Some people don't make it past the trial and error phase. You know, I know that when she's pissed, she doesn't want to be touched. Fuck, she doesn't want to be looked at, you know? And on she knows. That for me, when I'm highly emotional, I want the cuddles. I want the touching. I want all of those things. And it's really bad when we're highly emotional with each other because obviously she wants a significant amount of affection and I almost have like this pokey, you know, prickly pear exterior where don't even get near me. No, it's not prickly pear. It's not even pokey. No, no. It's like fucking Jean Grey, like fucking shield kind of shit. It's like... Motherfucking Phoenix is what it is. Not even Jean Grey. Wow. Yeah. Nice. Nice reference. Next time, make it a DC reference, please. Okay. But yeah, no. I mean, those are little things that, you know, unless you really spend time with your partner, you're the other end of the spectrum. You don't really get to know those things. I also, I think another important part is creating a safe space for communication. Now, I haven't really said anything about this to you because this is one of those things where I don't think it's a really big deal, but you might think it's a big deal. So... Oh, great. Oh, fuck. Sure, let's just do it on the air. Oh, my God. I really don't think it's that big a deal. But, you know, whenever we have had like, you know, like pretty lengthy conversations, most of the time we have them at your house because that's where we are, you know? That's true. And... I haven't said this. It's not because like I've been keeping it from you. I just didn't realize that it was kind of like, hey, it's always at our house. I'm always on your turf. Like, I feel like it's never like it's, you know, I wanted to be somewhere neutral where it's, I don't feel like, I'm going to get out now. I need to go. And you're going to stay here because you live here. I'm going to go. Actually. Wait, hold on. I'm not done. Hold on. You know, and it's, I'm not saying that it's not a safe space. Your house is a very safe space. Every single time I'm with you, I'm safe. Don't please. No, don't do that. Stop it. Stop. Please stop. Oh my God, please. I'm letting you finish. I know, but please stop because you're doing that thing that's kind of really making me really anxious. Never mind. No, finish because I have things to say to add to it. So finish. Finish. Finish. But it's just... But it's just... It's just one of those, you know, things. And it's not like, you know, it's not like my mistress has said, we're always going to have all of our conversations here. It's really just been a thing out of convenience. We're just having to be there, you know? But I mean, that's a physical part of creating a safe space. Obviously, there are other factors that go into that. We had that one chat at Starbucks. Oh, yeah. So let me ask you this. When you had... Let's compare. The chat at Starbucks and the chat at my house, where did you feel safer? In your house? Thank you. I rest my case. I know you. I know what you need. I know... I know you. I think I know you better than you know yourself. I know what makes you anxious. I didn't like having the conversation in Starbucks. That to me didn't feel... It felt odd. We were having a very intimate, very private conversation in a very public, very homogenized place. And I didn't like that. Whereas, we're in my house. I'm sitting in my chair. You're sitting in the other chair. We're smoking a cigarette. And we're talking. That's the same way we have almost all of our conversations. Whether we're hashing out what we're going to talk about for our next show, whether we're hashing out what we're going to do on the next class we're teaching. So it's fairly even all the time there. It's like always an open space. And I get it. I get it. Next time I'll have it at your place. You're an asshole, respectfully. Because just so you know... There's no way in hell you're going to drive your ass to Compton. I know that. I have been to Compton. I've been to your place more than once. Outside of the fact. Can you count it on one hand? Yes. You also don't like people coming to your place. Okay. Anyways, I'm sorry. What? Yeah. You don't like it when I beat you on these arguments. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Obviously there already exists that imbalance. It is the nature of the fucking dynamic. It's the nature. That's why it's capital D and a little S. Right. So how do you get over that imbalance when you're supposed to have open and honest communication? I don't know. I think I do it wrong. What? I think I do it wrong. I set aside my dominance a lot for the betterment of individuals. And so when we have things, a lot of times I set aside my dominance to deal with things. You know, you got shit going on and I'll set that aside to help you with whatever shit you got going on. Because before you're a little less, you're a person. Before my big D, I'm a person. So, and I'm sure that there's, you know, half a million D types out there that are like, no. Ooh, mistress, you are doing it wrong. I don't know. I haven't struck the balance. I don't figure, I don't. Sometimes I do it right, I guess. Sometimes I do it wrong. I don't know. I'm just playing jump rope and hoping I don't get caught. Good thing we're not playing double dutch. Dude, I loved double dutch when I was a kid. Dude, I could not stand double dutch. Oh my God, I loved it. That was so awesome. I loved it so much. I was not good at all. That's why I didn't like it. I was great at it. I was great at it. I mean, I could totally like, you know, swing the ropes and stuff and look at the other people jumping in. We needed people like you. You. Now I feel like we need to play double dutch. Oh, I couldn't do it now, please. I know, because your tits would slap you in the face. That's it. Next swinger's party, new double dutch. Dude, I'd fucking video that shit. That would get like a million hits on YouTube. Oh my God, right? I feel like I need to look that up on YouTube now. Yes. I understand what you mean about not having that figured out. And I guess I wanted to pose the question because, precisely because you're, you know, it's two human beings, you know, dealing with either very, you know, practical problems or not so practical problems that have to do more with like the DS stuff and not life stuff. I don't know if you can really separate those. I mean, we say life before lifestyle. We say it all the time, but it's not just a maxim. I mean, it's a realism. It's life does come before lifestyle. And so how do you separate your life from, you know, the DS? And that's where I struggle. And I don't think that that's the topic for today, but it's just one of those things that that sometimes it's like, you've got stuff going on. And things suffer in our DS. I've got stuff going on and things suffer in our DS. And it's like, okay. They were always playing catch up, huh? Yes. I'm always that little kid running behind the car, trying to catch the bumper. I'm a dog chasing cars. Did you? My mistress just barked. I did. I barked. So I'm getting ready for Energizer Bunny tomorrow night. Oh my God. Oh God. I need to get some sleep. So I have lots of energy. I need to hydrate. Yes. Sorry. That was a, apparently my ADD is showing. Yeah. Majorly. I have a sex that confuses me. Yeah, it does. Just so you know, the 7-Eleven water is actually pretty good. Oh wow. Anyway. You really are. You're all over the place. Well, that's one of the problems. Yeah. It's in my head and it comes out of my mouth. Wow. You're a mess. You're a mess. I am. You're totally a mess. Let's not psychoanalyze it, shall we? Or just carry on. Okay. I think something that also plays a part in communication is protocol. Not that it's something that, you know, we're terribly good at. But I think- That ships us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. cold approach to it. So that way, you know, there's reliability. You know that you're going to raise whatever issue and it's going to get resolved in a timely manner. Well, I mean, but I take, I believe that a timely manner, it's so flexible because some issues are bigger than others, you know, so it's all relative. So you can't expect, you know, file a grievance in three days. You'll either have a response or an arbitration date, you know what I'm saying? You don't get that, hey, you started with the grievance process, I'm sorry. I just know where that goes. You know, so it's just one, I mean, I get it that it's comforting, but at any point when you're dealing with corrective communication, at any point, there's no timeline. There's no finite amount of time in which you can guarantee it'll be resolved. Because I can't tell you how many times, even if you think it's resolved, that shit rears its ugly head again. Right? You know, and that, it's one of those things where, you know, it's like, okay, so that didn't work, okay, so that didn't work, okay, you know, and that's, it's one of those things when it's like testing for, you know, weaknesses in a, in a, in a, in a, in a sense, you don't, you don't know what the problem is, you're just, you're flying blind sometimes. That's corrective communication. Right. But it's, it's also about trying to be kind of open. And I think that's one of the things that you and I do really well. Is, and again, I don't know, I probably fail at this. I fucking tell you what I'm thinking. I tell you. I tell you when I fuck up. I tell you, it's like, that was, that was on me. That was my fault. That I failed. And that's probably not good. You know, because you're probably supposed to think I'm infallible. And I'm on a pedestal. But I think that even when you say that you do something wrong, you know I'm always thinking that. Like there's not, like, fucking, it's like an unbreakable image. You could do anything and I, exactly. Like an angel. Yeah. But I, again, maybe, maybe because I've kind of always been like this, maybe that's part of, that's kind of how we've always cultivated our relationship. That for me, I think that being human and being fallible strengthens my dominance. And it strengthens our DS. And, and that's one of the ways that I need to communicate. I have to communicate. I, when I'm hiding things or I'm not, expressing those types of things, when I fail, when things go wrong, I don't feel that that's completing the DS circle. For me personally, that's my own personal kind of philosophy. Good, bad and different, I don't know. But that's, that's how I, for my own wellbeing, for my own sanity, that's how I have to do it. And that's hard sometimes. It's really hard. Humility is, it's hard. I don't want to be wrong. I don't like being wrong. Most D types don't. We like to be right. All the time. And no one's right all the time. They just aren't. This is when you're supposed to chime in and say something. I don't fucking care what, just say something. I said you're right. No! I said you're right about this. I think that, that that's really true. In this modern age. Oh, we have a modern age. Dork. I think one of the ways that we fall back on to communicate is texting and tweeting and shit like that. Yes. Which is super awesome and quick and all of that. Except when you're like trying to have a conversation about shit that shouldn't be done over text or tweets. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the challenge. Because we have access and we are so accustomed to this just instant communication, we want to use it. And especially if there's something that's there that has to be said or has to be done. And sometimes life pushes things. Like you've got to say something at that time or whatever. And that makes it really hard because you don't have the luxury of having that face-to-face. I guess you could pick up the cell phone and use it as a phone. Yeah, but that only works if people are like, hey, I'm going to talk on the phone. Okay. Because someone that I know that happens to be sitting across the table from me looks at her phone when it rings, and she's like, why are you calling me? I literally do. Why are you calling me? A mutual friend of ours called me yesterday. And I literally looked at his phone. There was no reason I couldn't answer it. There was no reason I couldn't answer it. I wasn't around anybody I couldn't answer the phone with. But I looked at the phone and I was like, why is he calling me? Should I answer it? I don't know. I mean, he could have just texted me. Why is he calling me? Well, maybe it's important. Maybe he's driving. I don't know. Maybe I should just not answer it. And then I answered it. And he's just like, hey, sorry for calling you. I know it's not your jam. But. Now you know who it is. Yes. I do. And I was just like, yeah, I almost didn't answer it. And he goes, well, thank you for answering it. I'm just one of those, why are you calling me? But you think it's so fucking personal when somebody tries to call you. Like, God. When you call me, I go, why are you calling me? Yes, that is exactly how she picks up the phone. I don't say hello. I say, why are you calling me? Yeah. Phone calls are for bad news. Are they? That's what they are. Phone calls are bad news. You need to get more. Good news via phone calls. I'm done. To undo that shit because. I'm. What? I'm a 10th. You're a fucking commitment phobe is what it is. I am. Wait, a phone call? Because I'm only talking on the phone. I'm a commitment phobe. I commit hours in texting. No, no, no, no, no. But see, texting is different from phone calls because phone calls, you feel obligated to continue in the conversation because you're on the fucking line. But when you're texting. I don't feel obligated. I'm speaking in general terms. Okay. But when you're texting, you can walk away from your phone and, you know, do whatever the fuck. Come back to it like 15 minutes later and answer the text. Whatever. No pressure. But when you're on the phone with someone, it's like you're on the phone. They expect a response to whatever the fuck they said. I don't think that's a commitment phobe. Maybe that's a pressure phobe. But I don't think it's a commitment phobe. I don't know. Because I'm still committed to the conversation, whether it be via text or some other medium. It's about, you know, multitasking. No, no, fuck that. Here's the problem. I don't buy that. When I'm on the phone, I can't do anything else. I can just be on the phone. There's nothing else I can do. When I'm texting, I could be texting 10 people at the same time. Mind you, I wouldn't be doing it well if there were 10 people. Okay, three people. And tweeting. And Facebooking. And emailing. You know. And, you know, talking to a human being in my presence. All of that can be going on. But on the phone, it's like, I can't, I can talk to nobody but that one person on the phone. And sometimes I'm cool with that. And sometimes I'm not. And especially when they call without texting first. Who does that? Oh, yeah. No. Calls without texting. You're the weird person that wants people to text to ask permission to call you. I don't think that that's a bad thing. Make sure that I'm able to take the call. Jesus Christ, woman. Next thing you know, you're going to want people to send you fucking meeting requests for that. That might not be a bad idea. Oh, my God. I might accept that. I might sign up for that shit. What? That's my deal. I guess so. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it. I did. I sure fucking did. Not realize you were a crazy woman. Ah, yeah, you did. You totally knew I was crazy. Okay, maybe I did. Yeah. That's the only reason that you like me. You're crazy too. You're crazy too. And you know it. You're crazy too. What? So, um... You know nobody heard that. I know. You did, though. How do you maintain lines of communication? I think it depends on the parties. I think, um... I think... Hey! Kinky butterfly, it's not a commitment phobe. I'm going with it's a pressure phobe, but nah. She tweeted. Um... I don't know. I think that it's about the two parties. I mean, number one, if you're in a DS relationship, you're already going to have a pre-established kind of communication program, essentially. You know, there's some people that say, you text me in the morning before when you wake up. You text me at night before you go to bed. Those are kind of like set in stone. You know, you update the things during the day. Some people want a lot of updates. Some people want a little update. Some people don't text. Some people want phone calls. You know, it depends on who and what they are. Everybody's different. And it's about what... what the pre-established communication guidelines are. But also, it's really important that both sides have a way of getting in contact with the other if there's something that's going on and they really need to address it now. So have that kind of taken care of. And again, in that kind of safe space where they know that they can have something. And sometimes it's about, hey, I just need to vent. Oh, okay. If somebody tells me they need to vent, I'm not going to solve their problem. I'm going to let them vent. And I'll be like, oh, yeah. What a dick. Oh, what a bitch. I'm going to be totally there. But if they're not venting, if they want the problem solved, then I'm going to help solve the problem. And that's a very different kind of communication. So it's about, you know, making sure that you have those lines established and what works. We text all day. We do. We do. You and I. We have, you know, and I think this is also a part where, you know, our little morning ritual totally comes into play where we do text all day. We do. We do. We do. We do. We do. We do. We do. We do. We do. I mean, I don't feel like we just text each other good morning. I feel it's more than that, you know? Yeah, no. I mean, it is. And it's always, you know, I'm always up before you. So whenever you wake up is when you text me because I'm up before I got the things and I got to do that. So there's how that goes. But yeah, I mean, I think it's about making sure that whatever works, the plan works for both parties, that it can't work just for one and not the other. Now, it can probably work better for the D type than the S type. And the S type can morph to what the D type wants. But if there's things that are specifically like no-goes for the S type, then that's about, you know, that's about discussing limits. And obviously, if the two communication styles don't work out, then that relationship is doomed. Doomed. That's horrible. It's true. If two people have incompatible communication styles, how are they going to communicate? No, I agree. But that doesn't mean that that's, I mean, that's sad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to mourn everybody's bad communication. I don't have that kind of energy. Because I'm a fucking sap. I just, I, you know, I want people to succeed in their relationships. I want people to be happy. Odds are they will fail, but yes. Wow. You're such a realist. Shall we start discussing statistics now? Because it's true. No, I'm not saying it's not true. Not saying. Thank you. I love you. I love you too. You're so bad. I'm not. What? Why? Because I'm trying to placate you kind of. Because apparently you're scared of me right now. Well, fuck man. You guys, if you guys had been in the parking lot with this woman before the show, you would have been shitting your pants too. You would have been like, why the fuck aren't the streetlights on right now? Because this woman is about to pull out a fucking blade and cut me. Hey, the parking dude was an asshole. I'm sorry. He was just a fucking dick. Period. Full stop for our UK listeners. I'm just saying. I know. I know. I mean, I know it's a draconian statement to say that if people don't have compatible communication styles and they're doomed, but unless the two parties can come to, they have to get on the same page. How can you possibly have a relationship if you're not communicating in a way that the other side can understand and process and respond? I mean, that's what it boils down to. You have to make sure that those things are happening, that you're being honest with yourself, that you're being honest with them, that they're receiving the information through whatever filters, like I said earlier, whatever fucked up filters they have that are going on, they're being able to process it and they're being able to relay the information back so that you are on the same page or saying the same thing. That's what it boils down to. And if that means that people only have face to face communication, awesome. If that means they only text, awesome. I mean, there are people that do just online and they never do face to face except for Skype and then it's usually genital, genital, and I don't know what to do with that. Genital, genital. That just seems weird. I don't know. I just don't get that. I don't think I'm that old, but I still, it's like, that's awesome. And I'm going to go have sex with a real person now. So bye. Bad person. Wow. What? Wow. I would just, you're just in a mood. I am. You're like in a really, just in a mood. Yeah. I'm in a mood. Yeah. I'm in a mood. Do we still care about you? I know. I really wanted to drink and I was like, I can't, I got to drive to the studio. God damn it. I wanted to have a lot of very strong beverages, which I may still when I get home. Who knows? Right. Yeah. I don't think that we even scratched the surface of communication. Well, cause there's a lot, I mean, there's a lot of- It's huge. There's a lot of things, different things that we can do. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that we can't do it. I mean, I'm not saying that we can't do it. I mean, I'm not saying that we can't do it. I don't think that we even scratched the surface of communication. Well, cause there's a lot, I mean, there's a lot of- It's huge. There's a lot of things, different things that go into it. And there's so much that is unique to an individual. Yeah. You know, I mean, all we can really do is offer up, you know, how we succeed and how maybe we don't succeed so much. Yeah. And I mean, again, it boils down to people's psychology. I mean, and that, as soon as you throw in psychology, fuck, everything gets all fucked Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.! Everything gets all fucked up. Everything gets off kilter. There's, there's no way to process it. I was going to make a geek reference, but I decided not to. Wow. Be like, you know, in the X-Files where they flow over the dead zone. Oh wait, that was Tomb Raider, Tomb Raider, and they flew over the dead zone and all the things. Or in Avatar where this is the part where they're like, oh, I'm going to get out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. because it gives us an awesome ego boost when we read it and it makes us feel so loved. Did you know that reviews are the number one way you can become featured on iTunes? That's also a good reason. Yeah. And if you are not featured on iTunes, the likelihood of somebody stumbling upon your podcast is non-existent. They would have to know the name and search for it, which again, you know, what are the odds? But if you become featured, then when somebody's looking up, let's say, Poly Weekly, we might become one of the related podcasts, which would be fantastic. It would totally be awesome. So, you know, if you like us, even personally, please. Yeah. That would be fantastic. If you have experienced my fist inside of you. Which she's a fisting whore. I am a fisting whore. She would fist all of Los Angeles if she could. Dude, you guys, I'm fucking committed. So last Friday, we taught a class on fisting. And I was like fucking 10 times more sick than I am right now. Like, dude, it was bad. I was like coughing. And she's fisting somebody this Friday, too. And I was fisting. I was like, I'm fucking committed. I'm going to do this. Yes. And then at the swingers party for your birthday, I think you should fist there, too. Oh, I should. I will. I will. Next frontier, though, is I want to anally fist someone. I like this plan. And then the frontier after that is I want to have one fist in a vagina and another fist in an ass. Oh, no. Two separate. Two separate, like that. Oh, DP fisting. That would be fuck, wow. Yeah, that, too. But, you know. Damn, I want video of that. You know what? There's going to start being video here in Skid Row. I know. So this could happen here. It's going to be very exciting. Hey, I'm just curious. Do credits for a fisting class, does that transfer? For continuing education, yes. Yes, I'm sure that they will take that when I transfer for my, I'm not going to tell you what my certification is, because I actually have one. Okay. So, apparently, I've been, like, throwing this link out for iTunes for intellectual kink that if you have an iPhone, it doesn't fucking mean shit. No, it doesn't. So if you have an iPhone, look for intellectual kink or tell all of your friends or take your friend's iPhone and search up intellectual kink board and subscribe. Just saying, maybe you might want to do that. Yeah. Pick up a random iPhone that you find at a Starbucks. I say do that now, and I've had, why not? Yeah, sure. Let's not discriminate against any of the Apple products. And we'll be back next week, live every Wednesday. Yes. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Fantastic. And you know what's so awesome? It's a Mr. Sidney night. That it is. All right. We'll be back next week. Okay, good night. Bye.