📄 Transcript [show]
🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Lions and tigers, jackasses, cheetahs and bears. Oh, my! From what's left of downtown in Los Angeles. Yes! In the heart of Los Angeles, next to your liver. Say, kids, what time is it? I don't know, mister. I can't afford to buy a fucking watch. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! It's 11 a.m.! Yes, welcome to Walmart! Seriously, fucks. I mean, I mean, uh, I mean, folks. Welcome, welcome, welcome! Yowza, yowza, yowza! All walks of life. Jogheads, deadheads, and all menstrual cycle runners. Welcome, everybody, to Chickster's Nest. Episode number... 19. And you know, folks, I'm your host. I'm the Chickster who loves you the most. More than shingles or throw-up or barfetta on toast. Now, don't be scared of my face, folks. Only the Chickster can cure everything. You know, I look into the mirror and my penis falls off. And I get 17 years of bad luck. Now, I know I'm insane in the membrane! But you know, ladies and gentlemen, everybody that's listening to me, it takes balls to get up here! That's why I go to Walmart. But anyway, folks, I want to say welcome to all my constituents who listen to this show. All the clubs out there, like the fucked-up sewing club of America. Yes, it was history when Betsy Ross, who knit a red, white, and blue jockstrap for me, and eventually, she now settled, if she was alive, on knitting a bulletproof vest. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy to be here! I'm happy to be anywhere! I'm happy to be your host! Hello to the good, the bad, and the plain fucking ugly. Hello to the Hawaiian Hilo Flower Lay Club and blooming idiots of mankind. Hello to the Waco, Texas, scrotum holdem club. The Reseda Hairline Club. Hello to the Palm Springs Shave-less Pussy Club. The Tijuana Back-ass Jackass Club and Eat Gina Too Club. The Ensenada Free Holy Club. The Bite the Weenie Club. So help me if I'm wrong, but if I get kicked in the nutsack, I'm in trouble. Believe me, folks, you ain't heard nothing yet. You ain't heard nothing yet! Yes, it's time to choke the chicken and unwind the cow. Yes. Put your ear to the speaker and give me some wax, people. Come on, folks. Time to flung the dong and sing a song and get the meat-the-ump thermometer out. Schickster's ass gets on fire! I'm insane in the membrane! I'm insane in the membrane! Hello to the Cardiac Arrest Club in Death Valley. The Strays, the Lays, the Fort Worth Frito Lip Chip Snatch and Dip Club. Hello to the Hairy Sandal Merkenstock Club. The West Virginia Waldo Dildo Club. The Sarasota, Florida Twotty Wotty Twitty Twot Club. Yes, folks, I'm very happy to be here. Skid Row Studios, as you know, is built with integrity. Spittin' gum, cum, and rum bottles. All you really need is a rusty old shopping cart, two-buck chug, a Bible, a Playboy centerfold, Vaseline, a pillow, and plenty of corrugated cardboard. Hello, my honey. Hello, my baby. Hello, my summertime. I am so lonely. You are my lonely. I need you all the time. Yes, I am the Schickster. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, happy to be here. And guess what? Our special guest today is Charlie Chaplin. Do you remember Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chaplin, an actor of fame, from the silent film era. He came to do talkies much later. But as a mime, he was greater. He puts modern acting to shame. Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin, Jr., 1889 to 1977, was an English comedy actor and also a notable director and musician. He is considered to be one of the finest mimes and clowns caught on film and has greatly influenced performers in the field. His principal character was the Tramp, a vagrant with the refined manners and dignity of a gentleman who wears a tight coat, oversized trousers and shoes, and a bowler hat. And he carries a bamboo cane and has a signature toothbrush mustache. Charlie Chaplin. A more humorous man you won't find. You'll respond with your heart and that of your mind. With a hand that was sure, he made films that endure. Charlie Chaplin, ladies and gentlemen, was one of a kind. Little Tramp, a most marvelous clown. Charlie Chaplin was toast of the town. All over the world, on his mop top so curled. He now wears a bright halo and crown. What's going on? What's going on? Am I hearing noises? Am I crazy? Am I imagining this? My eyes are blurry, but I see something coming. It must be the white coats. Come and get me already. What are you waiting for? You know, I can't take this. I can't. I really can't take this, folks. Oh, no. No, no, no! Not her again. She's driving me crazy. Will you stop laughing? What are you laughing at? What's the matter? My penis isn't big enough? Three inches you won't take? Okay. Oh, God. Go home, lady. Go home. Hey, wait a second. Come on. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. Wait a second. Come on. Come on. Please. Please. I just got this suit at Sears. It's brand new. I don't... You got me in the crotch. Oh, my God. Give me a paper. Let me wipe... You did it again to me. I'll never get this dry clean. They'll never be able to get out the spots. What are you doing to me? Who are you? Where did you come from? Taking advantage of me because I'm insane in the membrane, because I'm crazy, because I'm suffering from ill health, despair, madness, and all manner of things. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm just a loser of other unattractive, natural, and inevitable things. Oh, God. I know they're coming. The white coats are coming. They're coming. Oh, please. Please. Go away. Go away. Go away. Here. Here. Here. If I give you five bucks, will you take a powder? Will you get out of here? Okay? You're going? Good. Okay. What are you laughing at now? Oh, my... I need a fizz run. I need something. I don't need you. You're crazy. I might be crazy. I'm going to go get you. I'm going to go get you. I might be crazy, but I'm not this crazy, folks. Laughing at me. Go ahead. Laugh. Laugh. Make fun of me. Tear me apart. Look, just because I'm insane in the membrane doesn't mean that I'm crazy, okay? Do we got this? Oh, my glasses. How could you do that to me? Anyway, folks, ladies and gentlemen, Charlie Chaplin was a wonderful man, and I respect him. I really do. He was the greatest of all time. The greatest. ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ ¶¶ Yes, Charlie Chaplin was wonderful. And this is the Chickster, and you're listening to Chickster's Nest. Skidbrowstudios.com. Tune me in and lend me your wax. I'll take it. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you about an exciting show. You only have two more weeks left to see Hava. Hava's a one-woman show, and it's amusing. It's funny. You know, Cy Cobbler, Miami Herald, calls this a gem. It's a wonderful show, and you gotta go see it. You only have two more dates left. The 22nd of July. Why, that's this coming Sunday. Yes, 22nd and the 29th. At Water Crossing, 3191 Casitas Avenue in Los Angeles. Visit www.atwatercrossing.com. You'll laugh your sides off. This is an old-fashioned show. Do you like Sophie Tucker? Do you like Judy Garland? Do you like... Do you like all the old-fashioned stars? Well, see Hava. Again, 3191 Casitas Avenue in Los Angeles. www.atwatercrossing.com. Hava! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Chickster here. What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip! No, I thought it was funny. What's black, white, and red all over, and doesn't fit through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Donuts! Why is there like hot sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Like, you know, a man that has big feet. You know what that means. He usually has a big schlong. You know what I mean? A big schlong. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Oh, I love it You will call Probably to me your slave of love You will have fun What goals do you want to make me find? My gold candy Tap, tap, tarantap My gold candy Tap, tap, tarantap Happy feet Happy feet Happy feet Oh, I love it Happy feet Happy feet Happy feet Oh, I love it Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap Tap, Tap, tarantap My boy, Betty, tap, tap, ta-da-tap. Happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet. Oh, how I love it. Happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet. Oh, how I love it. My boy, Betty, tap, tap, ta-da-tap. My boy, Betty, tap, tap, ta-da-tap. Happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet. Oh, how I love it. Happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet, ta-da-ta, happy feet. Oh, how I love it. Happy feet. Happy feet. Happy Feet. Yeah, that was Happy Feet, Paolo Conte. And this is Chickster's Nest on Skid Row Radio, skidrowstudios.com. In a little while, you will hear from claustrophobia, up-to-the-minute, last-second news. And after that, you will hear from the lovely Una Moon with astrological forecast and some inspiring poems and songs. But right now, it's time for the news. Time for the news. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My arms wound around you tight And stars fell on Alabama last night I never planned in my imagination A situation so heavenly A fairyland where no one else could enter In the center, just you and me My heart beat like a hammer Beat like a hammer My arms wound around you tight And stars fell on Alabama Last night Last night Hello, everyone. This is Una Moon, your friendly, astrological forecaster on behalf of Chickster's Nest Podcast here at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California. For all you cancers that have a birthday today, July 21st, happy, happy birthday. You actually are in the last year of a 12-year cycle. This inner reflection seems appropriate. Let go of what does not work so that you can enter a new life cycle with clarity. Pisces inspires you. As a result, you feel encouraged to pursue a dream. For all other cancers, here is your horoscope. Zero in on what you want. You are full of get up and go when it comes to friends and fun. Your lucky numbers are 9, 16, 29, 90, 19, and 20. I would like to read a beautiful poem written by Charlie Chaplin on his 70th birthday called Love Myself Poem. As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know this is authenticity. As I began to love myself, I understood how much it can offend somebody. As I tried to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me, today I call it respect. As I began to love myself, I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today, I call it maturity. As I began to love myself, I understood that any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment, so I could be calm. Today, I call it self-confidence. As I began to love myself, I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge, huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do, and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today, I call it simplicity. As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health, food, people, things, situations, and everything And I did that, and I did that, and I did that, and I did that, and I did that, and I did that, and I did that, and I did that, and I drew me down away from myself. At first, I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today, I know it is love of oneself. As I began to love myself, I quit trying to do always the right thing, and ever since I was wrong less of the time, today I discovered that is modesty. As I began to love myself, I refused to go on living like a fool, I refused to live in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live the moment where everything is happening. Today, I live each day, day by day, and I call it fulfillment. As I began to love myself, I recognized that my mind can disturb me, and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today, I call this connection wisdom of the heart. We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations, or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing, new worlds are born. Today, I know that is life. From this poem, it would appear that Chaplin had truly lived into self-love. He was also the composer of a favorite song of mine called Smile. Sincere, magical, infectious, loving, and enchanting. Smile, though your heart is aching, Smile, even though it's breaking, When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow, Smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through, for you just smile. Smile, and maybe tomorrow, you'll get to Hello, this is the Chickster, Chickster's Nest. Hello. Hello, who am I talking to? Yes, hi. Hi. Is this a Chickster? Yeah, this is the Chickster, the real Chickster. How are you? Welcome to Chickster's Nest. Well, I really have to say that it's a great pleasure to be able to finally talk to you on the show. Thank you. Chickster. Chickster. Thank you very much. Where are you from, Skid Row? No, no, no, no, no. I'm an elderly gentleman. No, I know you. I listen to the computer. My grandson. No, no, I was going to say I'm just playing. My grandson come down from Sacramento. I see. And he gave me a computer. I see. And I listen every morning, Saturday morning. Sure. And it's just a show. Every Saturday morning at 11 o'clock at Skid Row. Skid Row. Skid Row. No, it's very nice of you, honest. God bless you. You're a wonderful man. I could tell listening to you. What's your first name, sir? My name is Gert. Gert. Gert. Very nice talking to you, Gert. I was in the war. We were held down in the jungles. I see. And we had to throw. Meat patties. Uh-huh. To save our lives. No, no, I realize that. Honestly, a lot of people, you know, in that war, you know, took it to heart. You know. Right. Sure. Have you ever been in a service? You a serviceman? No, I was in the Cub Scouts and they kicked me out. They were making wooden shoes and I made too much noise and they fired me. What? Oh. That's as far. That's as far as I got, honestly. But, you know, I would serve my country, honestly. It's a wonderful country. You got a laugh that's contained. No, that. Oh, jeez. I'm going to tell you, you're cracking me up. Listen, I want to thank you for calling my show. Please. I just want to say that this was a wonderful, wonderful occasion. Isn't it? For me and my life. Oh, that's wonderful. As you may know, I'm at the end of my, towards the end of the chapter of my life. Uh-huh. And I'm almost out of here. Right. It's a great beyond. But it's just one of the last things I get to do on this planet. Right. Right. Is to say hello to the Chester. Well, come up here to Skid Row. We'll share a half an hour. And I just want to say that I love Skid Row. I love Skid Row. I love Skid Row. I love Skid Row. It's just a show. Right. Every morning, Saturday at Skid Row Stoleo. Thank you. Thank you very much. I tell you, you're a wonderful guy. You have a heart. You're in the service. You're my type of man. I love you. Let's hang out sometime, Chester. We'll go and pull us some pussy. You know what I'm saying? We'll go get our dicks wet. No, no, no. No, honestly. All right. Listen, thanks. We'll get some stink on our face. We'll get some stink on our faces. You know what I'm saying? No, no. Let's get nasty, Chester. No problem. I could use some cream shave. But listen. Smoke a couple doobies. Let's get wild. No, it's... Get a couple of whores over. Right, right, right. Listen, no problem. Get our knobs lobbed. No, no, you're not. Listen, I have to go. Somebody's at the door. Yeah, just a second. I'll get out. Listen, thank you. Listen. Listen, thank you for calling. I'm glad you're listening. And it's been very nice speaking to you. And call me anytime. All right. Yes, hello. Hello. Hello. Yeah, what is it? What, you're crazy? I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. Like Una says, I am crazy. I can't help it. Oh, boy, I don't... Listen. Listen. Listen. I have to go. You know, we all have to go sometimes. You'll have to excuse me, folks. I have to relieve myself. It's another leisure moment for me. I mean, boy, oh, boy, I could hardly get out my schlong. It hardly hangs to the ground. But when I was born, there was a meat shortage. I mean, what could I do about it, you know? I can't help it. What does that sign say? New water saver toilet for a long flush. Hold the lever down and it will continue flushing. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Thank goodness. Thank goodness I got relief. You know, we all have to go sometimes. I'm not really a pisshead. I'm just a normal guy with a good radio show here. And I enjoy my listening audience. And I'm very happy. I really am. A crazy person tells no lies. Projecting what they're not. What they feel inside. A crazy person can't be blamed for those they curse or harm or maim. A crazy person can't be told if they're a child. They're growing old. A crazy person makes us see that a crazy person might be me. Because I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. And I want you to know I'm not clowning around. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay. My, oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine coming your way. Zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay. He's insane in the membrane. He's insane in the membrane. Chickster's insane. He's insane in the membrane. Now back to the Chickster. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. Yes, I'm crazy. You know that. But thanks for listening to me. I'm the Chickster, and I got to take this phone call right now. Hello? Hello, this is the Chickster. Hey, yo, what's going on, Chickster? Hey, how are you? Who am I speaking to? How you doing, man? Hi, pretty good. This is a caller from Watts, man. I talked to you a few weeks ago, man. Yes. I just want to call and congratulate you. Even though you done hung up on me, the last time. No, no, no. I'm sorry about that. That's a Freudian slip. I mean, I accidentally, I slipped. No, but I didn't mean to hang up on you. The phone hit the ground, and I tripped over it. That's what I mean. I thought maybe because you had a real black man on the phone. No, no. I don't care if you're black or you're white or yellow or green. I know. I love you. You're cool. I love mankind. Thanks. You're cool. Thanks very much. And I do want to congratulate you on a good show. I'll be listening here at home and shit. No, no, no problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. No problem. I love a lot of shit. I know a good plumber I can send over to you. That's the kind of shit that I like from the chickster, man. No, thanks. You come up with all the good shit, man. Thanks. Now, if you don't mind a black man calling up and saying a joke on your show, maybe I could tell you a joke. No, listen. I got my neck up to white shit. I'm kidding. That's the shit I like, Chester. No, no, no, no. Really. I like shit, too. I really, you know, I mean, what the hell? We're all in shit sometimes or another. You know what I mean? Hey, look at here, man. Man, check this out, man. What do you tell a woman who got two black eyes and shit? What do you call a woman that has two black eyes and shit? No, what do you tell her? What do you tell that bitch? She got two black eyes and shit. What do you tell her? Tell her to get her eyes poached. No, nothing. You already told the bitch twice. Ha, ha. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I got you. I got you. No, that's good. Yeah, man. Well, check this out, man. I just want to call and say what's up. To you, my homeboy Chickstin and shit. And I want to say what's up to the listening audience and shit at the Skid Row Studios and shit. Right, right. No, no, I understand. You know, maybe sometime soon you and I can go out and grab a cup of malt liquors and shit. Maybe can our dicks suck. Know what I mean? Yeah, no, I... Get some hoes and shit. I know exactly what you mean. Burn up a couple rocks. Right, right, right. We could have some soul food and we could, you know, step on shit. What, you trying to patronize? You're washing our hands and shit. You're going to say you're going to have collard greens? I like soul food. I really do. I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat a lot of that meat stuff. But, but, but... Look it, I do eat pussy. Yeah, now that's what I'm saying. Now that's the shit. All right, Chickster. You have yourself a beautiful weekend. Hey, thank you. And thanks for calling. I love you. Thanks for listening to Chickster's Nest. You're my nigga. Yes, sir. It's all right. No, no. You have license. If you want, you can use the N-word and say, you know what? I've got a friend and shit. He be black and shit. I can say that shit. Listen, you can... No problem, honestly. I understand the shit. Thank you very much. You just drop the R. All you got to do, just drop the R, man. Now, don't try to use that word and then you're going to use a hard R sound. You know what I mean? It's nigger. It ain't nigger. Right. No, no, I understand. I understand. I thank you for calling. All right, then, Chickster. Thank you very much. And have a great weekend. Thank you, sir. You carry on, man. All right. Thanks a lot, bro. Peace. Thanks very much. All right, then. Bye. Bye-bye. You've all heard... Thank you. Thank you very much. You've all heard about your raggedy melodies. Everything from opera down to harmony. But I have a little song that I will sing to you. Why, it's going to win you through and through. There ain't much to the words. But the music is grand. You'll be singing it to the beat of the band. Now, you've all heard about your will-o'-the-wisp. But come on, give a little and listen to this. In a little while, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to tell you what L.A.'s really all about. I love L.A. I breathe the air here. And will-a! All I can say is la-la-la-la. Fade this one out, I'm gonna go into something else. Fade it out. Fade it out. Oh, hello once again, my lovely fucks. Oh, heavens forgive me, I mean folks. You know what I mean. I always wanted to get under a Freudian slip, but I'm afraid I... You see, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I'm just kidding. But you know who I am. I'm Liber Ranchi, but you folks can call me Cucaracha. On behalf of the Skid Row Studios, I want to say that I'm very happy to be here, and I'm happy to be anywhere. And I'm so happy. I can't begin to tell you that my piano tuner, Laramie Jeremy, is back from Manhattan, and you don't know how that thrills me. That really tickles my fanny, and I just don't know what to say. You know what I mean? Anyway, I thought about moving my piano to Palm Springs. My piano's kind of acting cocky, and I know I suck at the organ. You know? I should talk about my 1952 vintage Electrolux vacuum cleaner. No suction. I can't stand the old bag. Now, seriously, you know, my dream is to wear red sequined tuxedos all the time and get pushed in a 24-karat gold shopping cart. I'll go through Skid Row, and I'll pinch everybody's tuchuses. A tuchus. That means a fat ass. But anyway, you have to... Excuse me, I gotta get going. And until next time, I just want to say, I'll be seeing you in old familiar places. The heart of mine embraces all day through. In a small cafe, the park across the way, the children's carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well. I'll be seeing you. And every love... Lovely summer day. And everything that's light and gay. I'll always think this way. I'll find you in the morning sun. And when the night is new, I'll be looking at you. And the moon will turn blue. Thank you. Goodbye, everybody. I love you. Yes, sir. There once was a man from China who wanted to have a vagina. So he sat on a rock and cut off his cock. And now... Now he's got man-agina. Ha, ha, ha. Yes. There was a young man from Kildare who was having his girl on the stair. On the 44th stroke, the banister broke, and he finished her off in midair. Ha, ha, ha. Yes. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chickster's Nest. And I want to thank you for listening. And I want to say I love you. I love you. Ah, Duncan Shane. I want to thank Una Moon, Nick Ciccone, my chief engineer. Welcome back, Jeremy Hansen, all the way from New York. Yes, don't worry, Jeremy. This is a cat's deli right here in L.A. I love you. Hello, Adam Shankman and April Shankman, Jeremy Witteman, and everybody, Austin Shankman, everybody. I love you. I love you folks. And I want to thank all the people that called me today. It's wonderful to hear from people. A live voice. I'm tickled pink. You know, this is the Chickster episode 19. And you guys out there in podcast land made it possible. You made this a great show. Thank you. Thank you.
