Rachel Butera visits, vagina news, Russ Kooten comedy

Chili-ish. We'll go with chili-ish. And he's from New York. Yeah. You are listening to Grand Theft Audio with the kings of internet radio, Jake Belcher, Grant Thoman. Right on time. Right on time. Right on time. Right on time. Right on time. Right on time. You are right on time. This is time for Grand Theft Audio Radio. This is Jake Belcher. And I'm Grant Thoman. And today we have a very special in-studio guest host with us. We are very proud to have with us a decent friend of the show now. This is her, I guess, third appearance. Yeah, so pretty excited by that. She was a voice contact test winner on the Howard Stern Show and she's going to be gracing us for the whole two hours today. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Rachel Butera. Hello. Hey. Thank you. What a welcome. How are you doing today? I'm great. How are you guys? Oh, you know, kicking it, chilling it, enjoying it. Enjoying the new place. Yeah, no doubt. Loving the downtown LA. Yeah, not too bad. I love it. Skid Row Studios here in beautiful downtown. We love it. We love it. It's taken a little bit of getting used to it. This is our first Tuesday show, but it's a little early. Is it early? Is it early for you? No, man. I'm an early bird. I get up and hike every morning at like seven. Really? Yeah. I do not have that motivation inside of me. I live right by the Griffith Park, so. That makes it nice when you know you have a good place to walk out to and get to pretty easily. Totally. Because otherwise, like, I'm in bed just thinking the only thing, oh, do I have any golden grams? I'm not waking up without any golden grams, but I have gotten better now this last week. It's actually been easy to wake up now and make it to work. So I'm happy about that. So happy Tuesday, everybody. Tuesday morning. It's one of those days of the week where you're just like, only three more until Friday on the weekend. Yeah, well, three and a half of you are still stuck in the middle of this one. Okay, so to me, like, once I get to work, that day's over. The hard part is getting there. And then... Then the time seems to fly by a lot easier. Yeah, that's right. And we're here to help people's time fly by easier. We certainly are. Make these two hours feel like they're like an hour and 50 minutes. Like, I'm trying to shave what feels, like, about 10 minutes off of your day. 5% of your hour will be shaved off. That's not too bad. Of your two hours, excuse me. I mean, is anybody else offering you that right now? No. I don't think so. So forget it. Hey, we have a bunch of crazy stories today. We have 30 subjects to go into. There's no way we're going to get all of them. I don't think we're going to get through all of them, but we've got 30 different stories that got put up. We're going to do our damnedest. Hey, I want to bring back one of our old favorite segments. I would like to go back with... Hey. There is vagina news. What you going to learn in vagina news? I said, hey. There is vagina news. What you going to learn in vagina news? Vagina news. Vagina news. My favorite topic. All right. Ours too. So vagina news is stories that have to do with lady issues. Lady parts. Sometimes lady parts are in there. The original impetus for the story was based off of... There was a competition... There was a competition in Russia to find out who could have the world's strongest vagina. And how did they measure that? They... Okay. So... It's kind of funny. They had like this little egg device that they would... That had a... A hook. Kind of like a carabiner hanging off of it. Oh. And a rope would go through the carabiner and the egg would go inside the vagina. And they would see who could lift the heaviest weight. And the champion woman, like this woman was just... World record setting as well. She was disgusting. I mean, she... But she got up to the point of being able to carry a bag of eggs. She was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. But she was disgusting. I thought it was kilos because it's in Russia. Well, that would be like, I think a kilo is like two pounds. You're talking like 80 pounds. That sounds reasonable to me. I think it was 35 pounds. Wow. Okay, I'm going to go 35 kilos. Maybe we should look it up and take a look. Okay. She would just walk around with this egg in her and trying to carry as much weight as she could. That's a lot of Kegel exercises. Yep. Her husband didn't have any complaints about how she practiced. Absolutely. Apparently. He ripped his dick off. Potentially. That's why he didn't have any problem with her doing what she needed to do. That's awful. But I don't even know if this one even qualifies for vagina news because it's almost like fake vagina news. But do you guys remember the pregnant man from last year that caused all that controversy? Like the first man to give birth to. Because he had the sex change operation was then accepted as a man by what it was. Everyone but me, I think. Because I did not buy into that shit. Just because you have a sex change, it does not change who you are as a sex. That probably comes from like my dad had a sex change. So I'd never really accepted him as a woman. So like, why am I going to accept a stranger? I never got to talk to him really afterwards. So it wasn't like. Your dad had a sex change. He did, yes. And then you never talked to him after that? Okay. So I talked to him like three times after that for a total of probably five minutes. You didn't see him? I did get to see him. Yeah. Last time I saw him, he came by the front door. It's about 1984 or something. So I'm about 10 years old. And then we're sitting. We had just gotten the. Disney channel that weekend. And we're having like this pure weekend. Everything's really nice. And we're watching Tom Sawyer. And it's just a wonderful morning. And I hear like a big banging on the front door. And I look outside. And I know my dad was crazy. So like, and he was at the front door. And he's like, let me in. I'm like, no, I'm not allowed to. And he started undressing in our front yard. Like yelling at all the neighbors. I've got tits now. I've got tits now. And then he decided that he was going to punch my neighbor. And my neighbor beat the shit out of him in the front yard. It was. It's better than any reality show I've ever seen. F-ing awful. But yeah, he decided to have a sex change. And then I didn't see him for. I never saw him again. So now does he date men or women? Because that's always confusing to me. Well, okay. So I lied. I did see him one more time. Back in like 92. So about eight years later. We used to like to do this thing in La Cunada. We were kind of the poorest kids in La Cunada. Or at least I was. And we would. I'd love to teepee people's houses. The cheapest place I can get something to like really put awful all over someone's house. You know the LA Express? No, I'm from New Jersey. Okay. So there's this. Adult publication. Adult publication. It's basically for hookers and prostitutes and stuff like that to try to pick up work. And I used to love throwing those around really conservative people's houses. Like lay it across their entire front lawn. So you wake up and there'd just be trannies everywhere. And I'm looking at one of these trannies. I'm like, holy shit. I think that that is my dad like advertising for his services here in the paper. So I took it back home to my mom. I'm like, hey mom, is this dad? And she tore it from my hand and never talked to me about it again. Wow. So I'm pretty positive that that was the last time that. But who were the services for? Was it woman for woman? No, he was looking for women. Yeah. So after having a sex change, you became a lesbian. That always confused me. It always confuses me. People who have sex change operations. Like Chaz Bono, you know, he had this hot lesbian girlfriend or a hot girlfriend as when he was a girl. And then now he's a guy and he's, you know, he's got this hot woman. Is it the same girlfriend? I think so. I don't think they've split up yet. I don't think they have. And she's hot. She's like a piece. Yeah, there's no doubt. Well, I mean, again, it brings up the question like Jake and I have. When you see really butch lesbians and they're with their really hot girlfriends, it's like, okay, if you're so opposed to men. Why are you dressing to be like one? Why is the baggy T-shirt and the shorts that go down to your knees with the socks all the way up? You're trying to look like a gangster. Right. But it's not working because I know that you're just a big butch lesbian. Yeah. And on the flip side, the girlfriend, if she wants a guy who looks like or somebody who looks like that. Well, you know what? I don't even say that because the wiring between men and women are different. Yeah, no doubt. So even the girl is dressing like a guy. She's still got girl wiring in her head. That's why I can't call this a pregnant man. I mean, this is a sex changed woman. It's a transgender as the technical term that they like to use. So did they connect? Did they make a womb inside this guy? No, no, no. Started off as a woman. Oh. Had a sex change operation. Has had children with his wife. And in the sense that they, I don't know how they created the child, but I guess his wife could no longer get pregnant. So they used his womb that he already. Had and impregnated him so that he could potentially give birth to their next child. That's scary. Well, it's not working out so good between them. He has filed for divorce from his wife. What a surprise. You know, that's sad. I mean, I believe he actually really wants to go join the circus as the only man who have given birth to a child. Come see the amazing birth giving man and its child. The child came out, right? Oh, yeah. It all came out uncomplicated. Yeah. Except for its life. Yeah, right. It's fucked up forever. Now it can be a little, it can make its choice to decide if it wants to be a man or a woman. So, hey, I'm sorry to see you, Tommy Beatty and whatever your chick's name is, but I'm kind of glad that something bad's happened to this person because I just hated all the attention that he, she, whatever it is, got when it just pretended that it was a man because that's just faking it. That's just good makeup. Yep. That's all it is. And lots of constant hormones. Word. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. money to now. This is not for love. Of course not. You see the two of them together and she's holding him up. I mean she's trying to make it so he doesn't shit himself. Right. She didn't want to sit the picture with him with the walker so she's kind of supporting him for the photo. I mean you gotta like girls love Neil Diamond right? Yeah I think they do. I mean yes girls love Neil Diamond. When you think of Neil Diamond what do you think of? I think of that picture of him on the cover of Hot August Nights like you know pointing to his big penis. Uh huh. Yeah. I mean that's he was a sex symbol. No I had a crush on him from the jazz remember that movie The Jazz Singer? Oh yes. I think that was my first well I mean my father listened to him but my first like exposure seeing him was in that movie and he was really cute in that movie. You know he played like the Jew that couldn't be with the goy and his father was a rabbi and I thought he was really cute in that and kind of hot. So yeah I always liked him even though he's corny. And I grew up my parents my mom really loved Neil Diamond. I remember for a birthday present one year my brothers and I were like we had to wrap the new Neil Diamond album that had just come out. You had to wrap it? Oh okay not like Flavor Flav or something. No no no I don't think that it even existed very much at that point. It was I thought he might have been a pioneer. This is like 1982 no no take the wrapping paper and make sure it's going to America. Wrap the album. I'm definitely not a rapper but this totally changes my opinion on him. I mean that's kind of creepy to marry someone who's basically half of his age. Does he have any kids? I don't know that. Are you really surprised though? This is nothing new. Men love young women. Oh hell yeah. So? I mean come on half I know he just got disengaged or unengaged six months to a year ago. That runaway bride. The runaway bride but there's always some young piece of tail that's going to marry that rich old piece of sagging I just don't get that whole I'd do it. You would do would you okay so you Hefner are you familiar with like everything that a girl has to do to like be part of that inner circle in his life? He's hideous now. He's hideous now. He looks like a lizard and he's really old. Neil Diamond's still viable. I mean he's doing the Greek you know he's still performing. He still looks good. I mean to be very honest when you say he's 71 I was like huh he doesn't look like he's 71. I can believe it but you know at the same time I thought he was in his mid 60s. Yeah. Plus he has a giant penis. That helps. Yeah that does help like for that cause you know. Sure. But I mean I remember hearing these stories about girls who so every girl who is a centerfold in Playboy has to have the Tuesday night sex party with Hef where all the girls that are in the magazine that month have to come by every Tuesday to you know have like a party. Can he still get it up even with Viagra? Yeah he continues to say that it's the greatest. When's he gonna die? I mean he's so old. I wonder what's gonna happen to Playboy when he does. Cause I don't think either of his his sons are getting to an age where they might be able to kind of take some creative control on it but it's it doesn't seem like they're getting to an age where like they're losing their senses too. I mean he's fucking old and his boys are old too. They're gonna be in their 50s right? No no no no. He's got like in their 20s. Oh he's got young sons. Yeah he's got some really young sons. Cause he banged all that young tail and now he's got young sons. Right right. Back in the 1980s and 90s there was that one that he was married to for like that significant amount of time. They had two kids together. Shannon Tweed? Is that who it was? No that's isn't that the And he actually You're right. I think Even after the divorce because he still wanted to be a part of the kids lives he bought a house that was you know right next to the Hefner mansion and they continue to live there you know as today. So or at least his ex-wife still does. I think the kids one of the boys is either in college and one I think is just recently graduated. I mean that's that's how young they are. Okay so I guess the girl he married was Kimberly Conrad. I remember the magazine that came out with her. I mean that was a case so this was 1990 so I was um um I have like more respect for people than that. I mean I may get someone in front of me and ask them horrible questions about them but I'm not just going to share my wife's pictures with somebody that's just um And you're saying he tweets them to his friend? He tweets them out. That brings up an interesting subject for later when we get into one of our other stories in regards to tweets. Oh okie dokie. I'm just thinking just kind of like clicked in my head that we had that story up there about I don't want to change the subject. I know we're still talking about this but I mean if you're actually tweeting that type of stuff it could be interesting. It could happen with that. So how long do you think the marriage will last with Neil Diamond and the young? He's probably he'll probably die in this one. I mean 71 like how many more chances is he going to get? Is he going to fall in love with the lady that's serving him soup at the old folks home in a couple of years? Well he's got so much money. I suspect that Neil Diamond is rich enough that he's not going to wind up in an old folks home. Yeah. I don't care if it's a million dollar a month old folks home. Dude once the brain turns to pudding there's no reason to keep them around. There just isn't. Like you are abusing yourself and making yourself go through all that stuff. Just put him someplace where people can take care of him. You don't want to hire someone to let him stay in his home and take care of him. First of all I don't trust people in my house to not steal. I don't even have nice things but I just don't trust them not to steal all my stuff. Yeah but you're on your deathbed. What do you care if they steal at that point? And number two if you're Neil Diamond you're a multi-millionaire probably hundreds of millions of dollars worth of money. You have value to your life. You could put up a security system that will keep them from stealing. It's possible. I mean you in your current financial state if you had to yes you probably wouldn't trust the person who would be coming in to take care of you because you wouldn't be able to monitor that. But if you're that rich you're probably also going to put that person through a very vigorous background check so that it's a lot of work. Yeah well you have assistance for that when you're that rich. He's got a manager he just married she can handle all those things. Good point. I mean if she if they don't work out she's going to wind up taking half of his stuff anyway. Yeah she's going to take your money anyway so don't worry about it. That is something that vaginas are good at doing yet. Proof in point this week Cesar Millan has finalized his divorce. That's crazy. He had to give his wife of 17 years he had to give her $400,000. That's like a one-time lump sum. Just a one-time payment. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. A monthly spousal payment of $23,000 a month. So that's just alimony for her. Uh-huh. $23,000. Nice. And $10,000 a month for monthly child support. Does it say how many kids they have? They have two kids. So $5,000 a month for each kid and then $23,000 a month for her. I think they'll be okay. Dude that is a lot of money. He's worth a lot of money now. How do you guys feel about men having to give their money away when they get divorced? I'm personally against this. Why are you against it? I just don't feel I mean why? Okay there's a kid involved yeah you need to give money for the kid. That's fine. Okay but at the same time let's say the mother of that child didn't get to work didn't get to make her own money. Didn't get to because why? Because they made the decision that she should stay home and raise the children. Okay fine. Okay so that's the case. Shouldn't she be compensated for that time while they're married while he's being able to go out there and make all that money? Shouldn't she like if she I don't know what his wife did but if Cesar Millan's wife all she did was raise their children and keep the house and make sure that when he came home you know he had a meal in front of him and did all the spousal duties that are required of a person who's going to be that stay at home person. Yeah that too. You make that sound pretty well dude you've been practicing that's good that's good. Shouldn't that person when the divorce dissolves shouldn't they receive some compensation for the time that they put in doing all that stuff that that person didn't have to do? So they've been compensated the entire time they're married the entire time she's taking care of the kids the house and the blowjobs all that. She's been given the greatest gift of all children. Children and a roof over her head? Yes. But she doesn't make any kind of financial compensation for it. So basically I mean what I've always contended is that marriage is just a financial arrangement anyway and that's what it's reduced to every time somebody gets divorced and has to give money especially when there's not a kid involved. Whether it's the woman making money and has to pay the guy or you know the other way around. It's just a financial contract. It's got nothing to do with love. It's just such an arcane practice. And you put it that way. You should just sign that financial contract anyway. The prenup. Do that at the beginning. Well yeah. I mean the very fact that there is a prenup and that's so prevalent proves that marriage is nothing but a financial contract. That's I mean that's the way I see it anyway. Well I went into my recent marriage with that one because I think we're going to be together forever so I'm not really worried about it. Well I hope you will sweetie. And besides I don't make any money. And half of nothing is still nothing. What are you going to do? Take your vinyl mation? Half of your vinyl mation collection? Don't scare me like that. I don't think she's going to take any of the WWF stuff that you've got. I don't think she's going to be going after that if it doesn't work. You're giving me a terrifying vision of the future that I do not want to think about. What does someone need this amount of money for though? I mean $23,000 just for the ex-spouse. It's keeping you in the lifestyle that you had basically. And it's because girls can never go back to something that was worse than they had before. She'll find another guy with money. You think a broad like that's not going to find another guy with money? That's exactly what she's going to do. She should just find the hottest guy that doesn't have money because now they have all the money that they need. And make sure you sign a prenup before you marry him. Exactly. Then she just can get rocked every night. Right. Then you can have all your cash and have sex too. I would imagine that would be like the revenge thought is like I'm going to go get some hot young dude who's I can go when I've got my kids with me and the paparazzi takes pictures. He's going to see that. Look at this young stud. This is what's hitting this every night. Is she hot? Is she a milf? No. I mean she looks like she's been beat up a little bit. Like apparently maybe he didn't used to be good at talking to dogs and they attacked her. She's not a good looking woman. Okay so my last story here for Vagina News today and once again this barely qualifies for Vagina. Vagina News. But we haven't done the segment in so long. I'm glad we got it back. Yeah me too. It's got to become a regular again. I'm glad I was here for it. Yeah we're glad you're here for it. One of the things that has always confused me the most is the word booby trap. Okay. In which sense? Yeah I mean just like someone sets a booby trap and like it makes a bear trap come up and snap your leg off or something. It brings up so many different thoughts in my head. I mean. I mean why is it called a booby trap? It was probably because. It was probably named this before like boobs became known as. Probably before boob was the euphemism for breasts. The best thing in the world. But there was a story this weekend out of Salt Lake City, Utah about a very popular hiking trail that somebody had gone through the night before and set a whole bunch of booby traps trying to kill people. They made a 20 pound spiked boulder that was rigged to swing at head level with just a trip of a thin wire across. Wile E. Coyote. I know. Yeah but. Okay. That's just kind of scary. What are the other traps? Okay so the way they set these traps is there was a they created a shelter off to the side that had never that it wasn't there the day before and they just started placing traps from all directions on it. So there was not only the 20 pound spiked boulder but there was also a heavy duty fishing line that would trip you into a bunch of sharpened wooden sticks. Dude the world's getting ugly man. Yeah. What is going on? Okay so how did they find these? I mean did someone trip one of them and actually get hurt? There was a U.S. Forest Service officer who randomly was taking a very early morning walk and he looked over and he saw a little spring attached to it like the side of a tree. Like what is that? And he goes over and he starts to pull it and he notices there's a string to it and he starts wandering walking all the way back to it. Right, right. And someone, was just trying to kill people in the middle of this Utah trail. Dude. Booby traps. Okay so yeah booby traps. I can't wait to hear the resolution to this. I can't wait because did the guy wear gloves the entire time? Is there any evidence of who might have done this? And I hope they catch him. Well they actually did catch two people. Wow. They got a guy named Benjamin Steven Rutkowski. How old is he? 19. Okay. And Kai Matthew Christensen who was 21. They were caught somehow they found a receipt that led them back to finding these guys. What was the receipt? Which weapon? Yeah they don't say what it is, what it was for, but they saw, they said they pieced it together by finding a receipt on the trail and they found these guys and they paid for it by credit card. Dumbasses. You pay for this stuff with cash. Dude that would not surprise me if they did that. That's idiotic. So does it say if they've been charged with anything yet? Reckless endangerment and attempted homicide. Yeah. I was wondering I would imagine it would have to be attempted homicide. You could even potentially put it because it was a U.S. Forest official. I mean that's a federal employee that could potentially take it up to a federal felony. So crazy. Craziness. Hey we're going to continue on with our new feature we're running this week. We have the Grand Theft Audio Comedian. Of the week. Comedian of the week. So this is Russ Kooten who you can catch live on the show on Thursday here at 9 a.m. He's also got a show out here Wednesday night at 10 o'clock at Flappers and Saturday night down in San Diego. I'm sure that he's going to talk more about it on Thursday. So ladies and gentlemen please enjoy a bit of Russ Kooten live at Gotham from 2012. Good evening. Good evening. As you said I am Russ Kooten. I just moved back to the East Coast today. Okay. I am a Jew. Thank you. You're welcome. All right. And if I could milk all of you Gotham Comedy Club studio audience for some cheap applause here at the beginning of my no pressure set here tonight. Just five months ago me and my beautiful Guinea Italian wife had a beautiful pizza bagel baby boy. Rocco G. Thank you very much. This is great. Welcome to the show. Extremely virile ladies. Stand back. You're a little bit pregnant. Just one look. Okay. Extremely virile. I've already committed to another situation. And let me tell you something. Okay everybody. Be. Being a comedian you have never heard of and raising a baby in a one bedroom apartment is not nearly as easy and glamorous as MTV makes it look. Okay. Okay. Because I don't know if you guys realize this but being a comedian that none of you have heard of that makes me two steps above a mile. Okay. It goes mine magician comedian you've never heard of Kardashian Kardashian Kardashian fat Kardashian pregnant Kardashian rodeo. Clown. So I'm a real girl. Go challenge contestant. Okay. And there's no way that I'm ever going to exceed this. Okay. Because you know who was getting all the gigs at kids birthday parties and shit. My and magicians. Okay. So I have nothing. All right. And the only way that I have to make money for this little pizza bagel besides being a comedian. You've never heard of. Okay. It's being an actor. All right. And my agent told me that I should shave my beard to get more high school roles. All high school roles are just for sex vampires. You know, the Jew vampire diary. It's like, how is it? Snooki? Your neck looks so appetizing. Today. Oh, I'd like to suck a drive. It's a coffee and cake. Oh, dear diary. Just discovered that German blood gives me gas. Dear diary. It's my 401k set up for my newfound immortality. I'm going to have to put this millennial for the next millennial. A Jew vampire needs to plan. Thank you. So there's no way to help them. Thank you. Obviously, I'm worried. Okay, because I just moved back to the East Coast on purpose to be near my parents on purpose. What the fuck is wrong with you? Okay, I don't want to be like my goddamn father. My dad's reaction to everything is always totally disproportionate to the situation. Okay, even if I was sleeping in late to school, my father would burst through the door like he was still team six and Osama bin Laila's place. He'd be like, Russell, you gotta get up. You're gonna be late to school. I'm gonna be late to work. I'm gonna lose this job. They're gonna kick you out of school. I'm gonna go bankrupt. Mother's gonna leave me. I'm gonna have a heart attack. I'm gonna get hit by a bus. I haven't paid off the life insurance. I'm worth nothing till you get dead. And I would say, all that's gonna happen today. Thank you. I got that one myself. And ever since we got pregnant, though, my weird Jew bag mother, who's originally from Yonkers, but she lives in South Jersey now, OK, she keeps sending me all these weird books she found in the attic, like some crazy, great garden Jew lady, OK? And then she said, and some of them are insulting. She sent me a book. I swear to God, she sent me a book, miss, that said, How to Raise a Financially Responsible Child. OK? My magician means Snooki's fetus, OK? It's nothing. I have nothing. OK, so I'm like, thanks, bitch. And I know that this Jew bag found it in the attic. So I said to my wife, I said, wife, look at the headrest of this book. What year is that book from? And she looks in the thing, and she says, 1994. I says, oh, good, honey. Now we can raise a financially responsible young man before the internet. Does it come with an abacus? Oh, perhaps we can write my Jewish mother a beautiful thank you note with the telegraph that comes with it. But I didn't have a bank account until I got married, and my wife made me for tax purposes. Stop. This book is insulting on several levels, let's be honest. Stop. And you know, I have that anxiety, you know? And people think that I'm coked up, but I'm not. But I'm from California, so I have a prescription for the week, OK? And obviously, I need it, OK, people? This is me on it, all right? And you know what? This group is always out to get my parents, so I carry that anxiety. Everyone's always out to get them. Everything's always, ah, you see? That's how they get you. That's how they get you. Ah, there's a surcharge? That's how they get you. And I was a little kid, so finally, I'm like, Mom, Dad, who's Dave? Who's trying to get me? And they're like, ah, you see? They got him, man. Yes, they're getting him. They're getting him right now. He's already being got. I went out to dinner with these motherfuckers the other week. They're interrogating the waitress at the diner like they're waterboarding her. They're like, deluxe sandwich? Does it come with a pickle? Ah, no pickle. They got you. You're a pickle. You're a pickle. That's a pickle. They got you. OK? And my parents, they're from here originally. They're from the Bronx and Yonkers, so I understand the mentality that they lock all the doors and all the windows. But then we moved to a Jewish suburb, Cherry Hill, in South Jersey, OK? And they would still lock all the doors and all the windows as if there's some gang of bourbon ninjas going around like, oh, the bourbon ninjas. It's not happening. OK? Plus, my father works at Radio Shack. We're not even rich Jews. What are they going to take from us? Our electric menorah? Right? Like, even if I'm going out to take out the trash, I would go out. All of a sudden, I would hear behind me, ch-ch-ch-ch. There'd be fire and blazing and shit. You know? My parents really think that when they walk into a store like the Home Depot, on the monitors, on the back, the map, they're going to be like, oh, this is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! This is a! Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good Good And there's a new Thundercats cartoon. Have you guys seen the new Thundercats cartoon? Thundercats, hoes, I think I'm remembering that one. Okay? But I want to share this with him, but I can't because I don't know if you know this, but the Thundercats are fundamentally racist, okay? Because I don't know if you've ever seen the show, but Panthro is definitely the black Thundercat. Okay? Sir, you're black as you well know, okay? He's the only gray Thundercat, he's the only bald Thundercat, he's the only Thundercat walking around with a deep voice like, Yo, Lion-o, shit! The Thundercat mobile is broken again! You drive that thing like ass, more than I know! This shit's trash! Okay? Right? And this is true. Crap-er-ass Lion-o always made Panthro do all the work. He was always like, Panthro, the Thundercat computer's broken. Panthro, we need more Thundarium. Panthro, clean it up! Clean the Thundercat gutters! Panthro! Panthro's always passive-aggressive, he's always like, Yes, Lion-o. Crap-er-ass Thundercat. Swing low, sweet Thundercat. Thundercat-o! So before I leave y'all here tonight, I saw the new Thundercats cartoon, and I thought that this was maybe just part of the old cartoon, but I was watching episode four, and this is true. The Thundercats fall in the water, and Panthro cannot swim! He even says something to the Thundercats like, Lion-o, you know I can't swim! So I can't share that! Just know that the Thundercats are racist! Do not share that with your kids! Thank you for having me on! Thank you for having me on! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Good to see you again! Grand Theft Audio here at Skid Row. So let's chat. Let's... Talk to me. Let's rock talk. Oh, right. So most people know you from like the Stern Show appearances and stuff. Sure. How did you find out that you were like good at doing... Okay, so you went on the show. What was the name of the contest that you won? It was the... Well, they called it the Staff Impersonation Contest, but it wound up being just whoever anybody wanted to do. So I wound up doing a couple of Whack Packers, like Underdog Woman, a porn star named Little Lupe, and a girl who works on the show named Tracy Millman. So, and I entered with those three. And they picked all of them. And I went in and competed against five guys live in the studio. You were the only girl in it? I was the only girl. Yeah, which I wasn't even going to enter because I said, you know, Howard doesn't think girls are funny. He never, he would never pick a girl. And my ex-boyfriend, thank God I listened to him, was like, that's why you have to do it. So I did. And I was, I think I was the only girl that entered or that they played, and the only girl that competed. And, uh... And I actually won it, yeah. And it would have been weird to hear a doo-doo Little Lupe. Oh, bang me, bang me, bang me. Like, I, I, I... Hi, guys. Yeah. Yes, like, I, uh, I cannot do that. There, well, yeah, there were no guys that entered doing women, that's for sure. But, um, but yeah, no, it was a really great experience. And that's probably the reason why I'm out here right now because somebody heard me, uh, needed me to do a cartoon, and I came out last year twice, promoted it at Comic-Con, and then, um, and then just decided to move out here at the end of August. Was that F'n With Tonight? That was F'n With Tonight, which is still on sonycrackle.com, yep. When did you, uh, first learn that you, uh, had, like, this ability to do different voices? Probably when I was, uh, five or six years old. I would just, I, my brother and I would sit and watch movies, and then I would just, I would be able to watch a movie once, quote the whole thing back at the dinner table, and do all the voices, and I would imitate all my, uh, relatives. You know, my Aunt Carol, she would just be like, oh, Rachel, what? You know, and then she would leave, and I would do it, and my father would be like, don't do that when she's here, and so, so since I was a little kid, it's just kind of a stupid thing I could always do, and people always said you should do something with it, and I never knew what to do, and then, uh, Howard Stern came along, so it worked out well. Pretty nice, and then you've made other appearances since then. Yeah, I've done, uh, stand-up at, um, the Comedy Store, at the Improv, at Flappers, I did some in New York, and, um, this weekend coming, I'm doing the Ronnie Mund block party up in San Francisco at the Great American Music Hall. Okay, what is the Ronnie Mund block party? What does this consist of? So Ronnie Mund, Ronnie the limo driver from the Howard Stern, show, he's Howard's bodyguard and driver, um, he, he used to have these block parties in, you know, on a street, and then they've, they've turned into these sort of comedy tours that they do now, and so it's like him and Shuley and a couple other guys, and then they're coming out to San Francisco and Sacramento, and, uh, you know, I asked them if I could do some time, just get up there and do some impersonations with some people on the show, they agreed, so I'm, that's what I'm doing this weekend. Well, that'll be fun. Nice little trip up to San Francisco. Yeah, I've never been there before, I'm excited. Okay, well, give you, give you a little advice, be bombarded with bums coming up to ask you for them. Really? You will not be able to walk out of a restaurant without being asked for your food wherever you go. It's the worst city for bums, I can't stand. Is it really? Yeah. Because I, I'm so surprised, you know, I just moved out here eight months ago, and I can't, I believe how many, there's a homeless guy living on my street, he's taken up residence, there's a car seat on the lawn, and he's got all his things around him, and he just lives there now. Wow. Yeah, and I live on a nice street in Las Feliz, like, it's... Are you sure he's homeless and he's not just a dude who's been, like, kicked out by his wife and that's his house or something? Like, you can live on the lawn. I don't know what's going on. I would imagine someone who had gotten kicked out of their house would hopefully have enough money to be able to afford a motel for one night. I mean, if you're getting kicked out... for more than one night? Yeah, he's... When did you first notice him in his car seat? Like, four days ago, I was making a K-turn on my street, and I see a leg, and I was like, what the fuck? And then there he was, and he's there all the time now. I have to say, I am not familiar with the term that you just used in there. What? K-turn? Oh, yeah. A K-turn is when you... I have no idea what a K-turn is. East goes west goes... Wait, last night, I was standing online at UCB to see an improv show. My friend kept going, what do you mean? You were online? I'm like, no, I'm standing online. He's like, what do you... You mean in line? In line. You guys say in line, don't you? Yes. Yeah, we say online. Wow, interesting. And the K-turn is when you, you know, you're just making the... It's not a U-turn. You go... How do I explain? A three-point turn? It looks like a K. Yeah, a three-point turn. You're going one, two, three. Okay. A three-point, yeah. I thought that's what it was just when you think... Because I started imagining it in my head. It's like, okay, a K. So it'd be boom, boom, boom. Okay, I guess. Three-point turn is what we're used to knowing it as. Okay, the K-turn. Have you noticed any other differences? California? Yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. There's so many differences. I mean, people are crazy out here. Guys are insane out here. That's why there's so many shows like Jerseylicious filmed out here. Yeah, that's right. They all come from here. We're all crazy. Oh, well, they could make a lot of reality shows about the crazies that are just walking down. Some guy sniffed me the other day. I was walking down my street. That's how I got my wife. I'm not kidding. You know what? I gave him my phone number because he was cute, but he was sniffing me. He was sniffing me. It's a hot move. I don't know. You smelled his lashes. That's what he was saying, and I was like, oh, he's cute. I'll give him my phone number. Then he started texting me all this filthy stuff, and I was like, okay. You gave me your number. Now let's start sexting. Yeah, pretty much. It's like, wow. Crazy. You really know how to romance a lady. That is one thing that I'm not envious of girls for. Guys act just fucking awful. I hear stories from my female friends all the time about guys who do things that I could never imagine doing. Yeah. Men call women crazy, but no. You've caught up to us. We are horrible beasts. You're creatures. You really are. Yeah. Blame all the Bravo channels, shows, and the Metacritic and the Metrosexual shows that, what was it, the Queer Eye for a Straight Guy. Yeah. Those gay guys clued us too much into your world, and now that we know some of the rules, it's like, ah, we know we can get away with now. There is a lot of that going on, too. Like the Metro thing. Like, I don't know where men are anymore. All these guys are just so feminine, and, you know, I had a date with a gay guy the other day. I didn't know he was gay until I met him, but I was like, yep, why are you here? You obviously like... As you're both checking out the cute guy that walks by, it's like, why are you here? Did you actually call him on it? Or did you just be like, um, oh. No, you can't say that to somebody. He looked like Carson Kressley, Carson, the Queer Eye for a Straight Guy. Yeah, the blonde dude. Yeah, the blonde guy. Very, you know, and he acted that way, too, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. I mean, it's just... Where did you meet him? Like, how did he actually convince you to go out? I met him on OK Cupid, and we had Bloody Marys on Sunday morning, and pretty much the second I met him. Nice Saturday night, then. Usually Bloody Marys on Sunday morning means something else. Yeah, right. Gotta get your vitamins back. Right. So, do you do, like, you do online dating and stuff like that? Yeah, I joined up when I got out here because I was so miserable and lonely. I cried for the first three months, basically. Oh, my God, I just missed everybody so much. So I was like, I better get out of the fucking house because I'm gonna go out of my mind. So I joined up just to meet people, and lately, it's just been crazy speed dating. I don't like anybody, though. They're all nuts. But not, like, real speed dating, right? No. Have you ever gone to, like, one of those events where you get, like, two minutes with a dude and they rotate around? I wouldn't do that because, I mean, just regular dating is, you can't even get a sense of a person. A speed dating is just a joke. But it would be great with you because you could do, like, a different voice for all 20 people, and when they all come around, they'll be like, I like the old lady. I like the little Latin porn star. Like, they have no idea. You have so many voices you can do. Yeah, that would be a fun thing to film and maybe put up on YouTube or something. I can dig it. What is your most popular impersonation? I think the one that I, I was on the Howard Stern show in June, back in January, and I got to do a little bit of Rosie O'Donnell and Howard is friends with her and he really loves her, so he really liked that one. That was a good one. That was really good. Thank you very much. My show is off the air now. As you know, Oprah and I have had a rift. We're no longer friends, but it's fine. I'll come back. Wait, she is, that was a bad falling out between them. There's no doubt. Yeah. I think that, I think Rosie thought that she was going to have a longer leash than what she ended up having. I think so. Yeah, I mean, Howard talks about it all the time, just the, how Oprah started the network but didn't want to work. She really just thought it was all going to fall into place and didn't really put in the time or the thought. You are part of the target demographic of what Oprah is looking for. Have you ever watched anything on her network? I have not watched Oprah since I was in high school. I don't give a fuck about Oprah. I don't do, no, I don't do that or watch that or care about any of that. What types of things do you watch and care about? I watch like The Simpsons and Family Guy and I watch Mad Men. I'm obsessed with Mad Men. I haven't seen this week's. I'm really looking forward to it but it's, I'm so glad it's back. Yeah, have you watched this week's? Yeah, all I can say is Acid and Hot Jobs. Awesome. Yeah. It's such a hot show. It has taken a darker turn this season. it definitely has and yeah, and it's spreading to different characters too. It's not just Don, it's not just so Don focused anymore. Right. I think, yeah, they've developed the rest of the partners well enough that you can really focus on them. I love seeing what's going on with Price. Yes. Especially with him and, Joanne. Yep, and Pete Campbell. He's, I felt bad for him from day one. He's a prick but he's like, you know, he's just so miserable. I didn't feel miserable from, because of the stuff that he put Peggy through. I know, he did that to Peggy but he's married to a woman he doesn't love and she's just a bully and her parents are a bully and he's a tortured man. I love the way he finally got his own office. I mean, that crappy office with that stupid freaking pillar in the middle. I was like, he's actually a partner in this firm and that's the office he was given. That's just really effed up. Yeah. But he turned it around and got what he wanted which I thought was great. I liked seeing him get his ass kicked. That was great. That was great. Price beat the shit out of him and it was just like at the end of it, they were like, I'm not, the partner's like, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to stop this. I want to do this myself if I could. I know I should stop this but I'm enjoying it too much. I know. Yeah, and then he cries in the end and cries to Don, the coldest guy on earth. Yeah. Yeah, I'm obsessed with that show. I'm breaking pads and it's an amazing show too. And that's, this is going to be their last season. Oh really? They, this will be the last one for Breaking Bad. Well that's good. Now I can finally start watching it. I watched the first couple episodes and it was, it was awesome but I just kind of got into this chunk where I kept getting into different shows and different shows and now it's just so easy to just pick them all up at once and catch everything up. I was like, I'm going to wait until this one's done. They finish their story arc and I can just dive completely into it. Yeah, get Netflix and order up all of them. That's the best way to do it. Yeah, I just, I blew through all the seasons of Breaking Bad like when I first moved here. Just night after night I would watch one after the other. There's a series that I've been recommending to people. Do you have Netflix? Like the streaming? Yeah. Lillehammer with Gus Van Sant. I've heard about that. I would highly, highly recommend it. I've watched every single episode of it that's been, that's out there and it's one of the funnest shows I've watched in a long time. It's about a New York mafia guy who turns evidence on his boss and then he chooses that he wants to go to Lillehammer, Norway to live there. to live because he fell in love with it back in 94 during the Olympics. Yeah, during the Olympics. Yeah, beautiful broads and beautiful countryside. I loved it. And it's just very funny because they know a second language there. So he's speaking English and everybody there understands what he's saying but they respond in Norwegian which he's learning. That's funny. So it's very funny because you're reading subtitles half the time but with everything he says it's always in English. I love little Steven. He's awesome. I'll give that a shot. It's really, you'll watch one episode and you'll be hooked for all of them. Is it, an hour long? I think it's, I think it might be 45. I might be mistaken though. It might be an hour long. Probably because of there's no commercials, right? Right. So it's meant for an hour. I just don't have time to sit down and watch like an hour long. So much. How do you have time to do everything? Well, it's interesting you say that. There was a study that came out yesterday that talks about DVR usage and what people record, the percentages. Far and away, by more than 55%, it's hour long dramas. And I would imagine a lot of that's from like the HBO's, the show, the Times, the Cinemax's that have those, those really key ones, the AMCs because of what they have. But second was comedies, but they were at 16%. The lowest one was sports, which is 4%. Because watching sports that's already happened is, I mean, I would understand it years ago if you really wanted to like videotape the Super Bowl because, you know, you didn't have access to maybe ESPN. Like growing up, I didn't have cable until we were just out of high school. So, we didn't have access to being able to see SportsCenter or anything like that. We didn't have an internet connection that was fast enough. They didn't even have that at that point. I mean, there was no high speed streaming so you could watch videos. So, it's, it's really surprising because you say you don't have an hour. Most Americans, it seems that's what they want is to be able to sit down for that hour. And if there are commercials, it turns into 45 minutes with the fast forward button. Well, yeah, I mean, TV dramas are so great now. They're, I mean, look at all the movies that are out right now. I cannot find a movie to go see. I had to go to the French Film Festival last week because there's no good movies being made right now. I mean, and then it'll be summer blockbuster bullshit and not. May 4th begins with the Avengers. Now it comes. Is it, that's the first like kickoff to the season? I think that's what they consider the big blockbuster, the first summer blockbuster. I don't know why in May it counts as summer, but that's usually first or second week in May you'll see some big release and that's kind of what kicks off the big movies. They've had to spread them out. You can't, you know, if you pile, if you pile too many of these blockbusters on the same week, no one's really making any money. Right. I like the reality competitions. I'm excited to see Howard joining America's Got Talent. Me too. How do you think he's going to do on there? I think he's going to be fantastic and the thing that proves it to me is my mother hates Howard Stern. She has hated him forever and I talked to her a couple weeks ago and she's like, you know, I saw Howard on an interview and he was really making sense. I'm going to watch that show. I was like, really? You're going to watch that show for him? It is unbelievable to me. I have not watched that show much. I'm more into like American Idol and X Factor and The Voice. You watched The Voice? You know what, man? It's up against pro wrestling so it doesn't have a chance. Dancing with the stars? That's my masterpiece theater. Wait, is pro wrestling like real wrestling like hot high school boy wrestling or is pro wrestling like WWF? That's what he's talking about. WWF. Yeah. I can't. That other stuff is even gayer. They're way more There was an attempt I guess a couple years ago where they really wanted to try and put out a professional Greco-Roman style wrestling. I would so watch that. I wouldn't. Really? You guys wouldn't? No. If it was girls probably. No. See, the nice thing about the professional wrestling is that I'm not into watching guys wrestling. No, I'm into girls. Girls are hot but like, yeah, no, guys and wrestling singlets, all my little boyfriends in high school were wrestling boys so I have a love for them. You had a type? I had a type, yeah. What, what weight class were they in? They were real skinny. They're real little ones? They were lightweights, featherweights, whatever they call it, I don't know. Bantam, I don't know. I didn't wrestle in high school. I had one sport, I had volleyball, that was it. Volleyball school? Where'd you grow up? La Cunada. Oh, okay. Here in Southern California. You guys are California boys. That's right. Well, born and raised. On the Howard tip for two seconds, he's going to make me start watching that show. I know, and now you got another show to watch, you know? Yeah, I mean, how, the people who've been on there before, like Howie Mandel, and, He's on there with them. He's still on there? It's going to be Howie, Howard, and Sharon Osbourne. You do voices very well. Like, someone can give you a job. I just had so much more plastic surgery, you're not even going to recognize me this time. Have you seen her? Not recently. Oh my God. It looks like, it looks like Rocky Dennis from Masked. She's on The Talk, right? On CBS? She's on one of those shows. I don't really watch any of those, and actually, they usually are on, while we're on the air now, so it's not like I'll be able to tune into The View like I like to do so much. Carl got me hooked on that. Did he really? No, not at all. That show is just awful. But Carl would bring up The View quite frequently. He was a fan. He liked it. Who's, he probably liked Meredith, the girl, the cute blonde on that show. I don't know. I think his, I think his, Chick of his dreams was Whoopi. You like Whoopi? Let's turn down by that voice. Ooh, Carl, get over here. Let me touch you. Well, someone should give you a job. What's actually going on with F and What Tonight? I'm not really sure. They may be in rewrites right now. I haven't talked to the writer in a while, so I don't know where that's at. I know you can still see it. I've watched them all. You have? Yeah. Cool, yeah. It was fun to do Chaz Bono, and I got to do the Jersey Shore Girls too, but it just didn't work out that that episode didn't come to life for whatever reason, so you'll never get to see my Snooki, unfortunately. But, uh, we can hear it just fine here on, um, Grand Theft Audio Radio on Skid Row Studios. Hey, we're going to go to our second break of the show, another track from, um, Russ Gutten, Prime of the Pump, getting ready, uh, for getting him back in town for his big appearance here on Thursday and his big show at Flappers on Wednesday at 10 o'clock. So, this is from 2011. This is, uh, Knocking Up Sunset, and check it out and enjoy. Next comic coming to the stage is a very funny dude. He came out here, uh, started up here, now he's out in L.A. doing big things. He's a regular at the comedy clubs everywhere there, visiting in town for a couple days. Guys, give it up for Russ Gutten. Give it up. I have trouble reacting to things in the proportionate manner, and it's not my fault because I have met my fucking parents, okay? And that's why I'm worried about having a baby because I don't want the baby to be like them. I've met these fucking psychopaths, right? Because my parents always reacted totally disproportionate to the situation, right? Like, even if I was late, if I was late to school, my father would burst in the room like, Russell, you gotta get up. You're gonna be late to school. I'm gonna be late to work. They're gonna kick you out of school. I'm gonna lose this job. We're gonna go bankrupt. Your mother's gonna leave me. I'm gonna get it from us. I'm gonna die. I haven't paid up the insurance. I'm worth nothing to your kids, Dad. All that's gonna happen today just because I'm late to school? Did you say if Mom leaves you, it's gonna be my fault? I don't think that's a healthy thing to say to a kid, Dad. And my parents are total conspiracy theorists. They think everyone's out to get you. Everything is, ah, you see, that's how they get you. That's how they get you. I'm like, who's they? Who's trying to get me? They're like, see, they got you. They're getting you right now. You've been gotten. You got got. Thank you. My parents really think that when they walk into a fucking store, there are people in the monitors on the back like, look, everyone, the Gootens are here. Now gather around. Listen up. This is how we get them. And my mother's been doing all kinds of strange shit since she knew we were having a baby, right? She sent me a fucking book that said how to raise a financially responsible child. Now, I told you I have nothing. Okay, so I got this book and I'm like, thanks, bitch. Right? And then I said to my wife, I said, hey, hey, wife, go look in the index. What year is this book from? She says, 1994. I said, oh, good, honey. We can raise a young man who is financially responsible before the internet. Does it come with an abacus and a telegraph? Mom, I did not have a bank account until I got married. Stop. This book is insulting on two levels. Stop. And I've noticed other things now that I'm going to have a baby. And there are things that I would never do to my baby that you know that people do. Have you guys seen those fucking babies on the backpack where they're in the thing and the person's just walking on their gun like this? Now, picture yourself. This would not be comfortable, right? And then I go to the grocery store and some bitch has the baby in the front of her, but she's going through the freezer section like this. And here's the baby. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. That wife. Oh. Right? And you've been in New York. Sometimes people put it on the back, right? And the kid's just going away. They're just afraid from everything. Like, help! Help! Hey! And then they're going down the stairs on the subway, right? The kid's on the backpack and they're just, they're going on an angle like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, help me, dude! Dude, dad! Dad! Dad! Yes, and here's something else I would never do to my kid. Have you seen the kids that they put on a leash, right, at the airport where the kid's like, oh, my God, I'm going to use my imagination. Hey! Hey! But you don't realize that breeds hatred, right? Because I saw a mother do that to a kid in the mall, right? And she was crying at first, but then all of a sudden it changed. She was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. It was like that look on Russell Crowe's face, like, oh, fucking him, my vengeance. I think that's how the Menendez fucking parents did it. They had both of those kids on a leash like fucking reindeer. Like, mush, mush. They're like, I'm going to fucking get you one day, dad. After tennis practice. After tennis practice. Thank you. So, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming near the end here tonight, and, you know, as I told you, I have nothing. And this Guinea Italian fucking wife of mine tells me that this fucking clone of mine is going to need shoes repeatedly for the first 18 years of its life over and over again. Its foot apparently will continually keep growing, right? And I have nothing, as I've told you, okay? But I am a SAG-AFTRA actor, so I figured that maybe I can make some money at that. That's another one of my fucking bright ideas in this life, okay? But people don't realize in my financial situation, if I get one national commercial or one guest role on an hour drama, it changes my whole financial situation. So, listen, Village Leonard, studio audience, before I leave you all hungered tonight, your Uncle Russell will be honest with you. Okay? I don't want to be the biggest star in the world. I just want to rape somebody on Law & Order. And I don't care which Law & Order, okay? I am not... I don't even have to rape a human. I'm even willing to rape a dog on Special Victim 2. Okay? Chris Maloney will be like, this dog was fucked against its will, I see. And I see him be like, yo, he a dog raping pug full pounds. That's what I'm saying, people. I just want to die of a medical anomaly, not tumor, on House. I want Dr. House to solve the mystery of my nut with snark and pizzazz. And this is for the ladies as I leave you here all night. Lady, I am not picky. I'm even willing to play gay black with AIDS and you can throw in the nut tumor, okay? As long as I get to die crying in Meredith's arms at the end of Grey's Anatomy episode, people, because that is an international syndicated residual. Which means, at any time in the world, I could be raping something or dying of a gay black nut tumor and my kids are going to die. And I'm not picky. And my kids are going to die. And my kids are going to die. And my kid will get to eat! And have shoes! And my guinea wife will leave me the fuck alone! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm your Uncle Russ. This is my first set in New York as a father. I love you, Billy Clayton. Thank you for having me so much. Give it up for your husband, guys. Everyone should all go to Russ Guten. I agree. You guys should head over to russguten.com and it'll give you Next time I come on the stage, it'll give you a very good Come on, turn off. I'm not going to I'm good at turning things on, not really good at turning things off. Yeah, go to russguten.com That's what your wife told me. No, just kidding. Yeah. You know what? I always tell her, don't tell me I have a big dick. Tell your friends. Anyways, do check out russguten.com so that you can see where he's going to be here in town. He doesn't just play here in L.A. He's all over the East Coast now that he's on that side of the country for half of his time. So check him out. Okay, so one thing that we definitely pick on here and we pick on things Yeah, we do. are just stupid people who do stupid things. Indeed. You got any good segments for the stupid people? You mean the tales of idiocy? Tales of idiocy. We've got a couple of stories. Why don't we start off with sports for one quick sports story. We've got an NFL first round draft pick Alfonso Denard was picked up this weekend. Yeah, I saw a bit of that story. It looks like he was driving 104 miles an hour on the freeway and then they found drugs in his car and now He's gone from first round to fifth round. Oh yeah, no doubt. If he even gets drafted now and there's so much scrutiny that goes into these guys and through the media and the types of people that you want representing your team and the type of money that you talk about putting out to one of these dudes it's just not even worth taking that type of a risk. I agree. And on top of that I mean the drug policies in the NFL are very, very strict. So that team if they're going to sign this guy to any kind of contract there's going to be a thing where you're going to have to take a regular drug test because we can't risk you getting suspended from the team because you can't pass one of the NFL drug tests. I mean it's just ridiculous. You're what? Four days away from being drafted? You just can't take it easy? Because once you're drafted and once you're drafted and once you sign that contract go fucking crazy. Go ahead. You're guaranteed a certain amount of that nice fat contract. I mean you're allowed to start raping people like Kobe does. I mean you're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want because you have all that money you can afford any type of legal defense. So what do you think it is in people that they would do something so self-destructive? I mean I know a guy back home he went through the whole police academy and like the night before graduation he went on a coke binge and they drug tested him the next day and he couldn't become a cop. Maybe he didn't want to become a cop. That's what I'm saying about this guy. Maybe he didn't want this to happen. I did kind of a similar thing. Like I was going through all this stuff to go to the army and like I was kind of it's not that I was being forced into going but my heart was not completely into it and I'd gone through all the pre-training with like my sergeant and I had my big day down at the recruitment center and the night before I decided fuck this I'm going to fail my drug test because I really don't want to go. So I totally can understand why that guy decided to do that. A life of oppressing people just sounds awful. Like I hate I can't even tell people to hey could you put a little extra cheese on my sandwich? I mean just like that's just not me. I don't like telling people what to do. So to be a cop that would just be a miserable existence. Well you're talking about a guido from New Jersey. They love that stuff. All the you know all the degenerates that I went to high school with all became cops except my best friend Jen. That's not for you Jen but the guys. All became cops? How many roughly? A lot of I would say I'd say I know at least 10 guys who were like kind of scumbags in school became cops. Wow. Yeah. It's actually kind of a lucrative little place because you only have to pull 20 years and you've got a pension. You know what? You're right. And I mean I do guys who did this kind of with the military as well and I've heard about it with cops. You go and do your 20 years either in the military or with the police you're out when you're in your late 30s to early 40s and you can go start another career and most of them go into like security business and they get nice high paying jobs because they'll be like commanders because they've had this experience and you work 20 years from them and you've got another pension that's coming at you. So by the time you retire in your 60s you've got two pensions plus whatever social security might be able to give you if it's still solvent at that point. They did cut another two years three years off of it last night. I heard that. They said that we're now going to run out in 2033 instead of 2036. Yep. Yeah. We won't be able to qualify for any of that. We weren't ever going to be able to. We weren't. But I always love getting that little notice from the social security office telling me how much I would be able to get if it's still there. Yeah. I love that one too. I get that every year. It's like oh goody I'm going to make $1,800 a month. That's awesome. Which doesn't sound that bad when you have like no nothing else to do. Like we don't have to pay for going to work and making sure you got clean clothes or anything like that. You can just you know fuck around watch Gilligan's Island all day long and drink and sure. Drink and what? And sure. It's like that old people juice. But now we're all taking care of ourselves and exercising and shit. So when we're 80 we're going to be able to like do you know still live. I don't believe that we're all exercising. I still see way too many fat people out there. Obesity is still a rampant problem in the United States. No they say that but if you go to New York there's no fat people walking around. Well not Manhattan. No not Manhattan. And not out here in LA. Not in LA. No sure. We make them stay inside now. What? We make them stay inside unless it's like 80. The shut-in laws that we call it. Yeah. They require that during the daytime hours they're only allowed to go within like a block of their house and then they have to stay indoors the rest of the time. And at night time maybe you can get away with it but you got to use the back alleys. Hey before you move on to your next stupid person I'd like to nominate some stupid people. Okay. I was reading a bunch of reports from Coachella which happened this last weekend. Oy vey with that. And a whole bunch of people were booing the hologram Tupac. Well weren't they just scared because they were on drugs and they didn't know what the fuck they were saying? I think the first weekend that actually happened but everybody talked about it so much between the weeks that it became like a thing for people to turn on the Virtupac. Virtupac. It might be that it got talked up so much that when they saw it the second week well this isn't what they said it was. This isn't as cool as they all said it was. It's not like he hears you're booing he's a hologram. He's a hologram. I mean it's just you people are dumb. I mean why are you wasting your time doing that? But Snoop and Dre are up there right? Yeah they're there. But they're not they were loved. I mean Of course when they came out you got huge applause when Tupac rose up out of the ground of boos from the beginning. Wow. Are they saying boo or are they saying boo-pac? I was saying boo-pac. That hologram is scary. They were saying too. Why is it scary? I just don't know how I feel about it. I mean how do they make him say things he didn't say before? What a couture. They hire someone like you to do his voice. Is that what they do? At least. So like now this sounds pretty good. Maybe I can get a job. Wait a minute I'm changing my mind. Exactly. And there's people that we'd like to see back somehow. Like who wouldn't like to see like a Lucille Ball come back or Maybe. Would you want to see her come back? Yeah. You know. I'm sure there's some form she could take that would be interesting. Is that what they do though? Do they hire people who impersonate the voice? Yeah. Because when it came up last week he was like what up Coachella? He had never been to Coachella That's right. When he was alive. So he would never have said that. The word Coachella was probably never even part of his vocabulary in his entire life. Yeah. Probably never existed to him. I mean because he died before the festival ever came around and there was no reason that anybody knew of it before then. So this is a good business op then. Okay. Maybe I do like it. Yeah. Exactly. You could do the hologram little Lupe porn voice someday. Yeah. When she's dead 50 years from now. Did the woman from Throw Mama from the Train die? You know the old Owen. Owen. The fat boy. Oh yeah. She passed away quite a while ago. So they ever bring her back in a hologram. I'm the girl for that. Yeah. Or Ethel Merman. I could do her too. Let's hear it. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. That is Ethel Merman. You know if I had like a barrier here and I couldn't see you I would have no guess as to if there's only one person in that room or not. It is an incredible talent that I just do not possess. I just have my voice. I cannot impersonate other people very well. Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard you try to impersonate anybody. I just, I mean, it's just not a skill that I believe I possess in any way. I understand. You don't try? You don't even try? No. I mean, I just try to say things that are at least amusing to me as opposed to trying to figure out someone else's voice to make it amusing. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't work for me. It's a strange talent. Here's what she got. All right. How about the Texas prom queen who lied about having cancer? God, this is a messed up story. And has now been And has now been caught. Caught in the lie. She apparently raised $17,000 from friends and locals in an effort to get her medicine and everything taken care of for her cancer, which she didn't have. And instead she, I believe, used it to be able to purchase like the prom dress and all the other wonderful little things that would go along with such a magical night. So $17,000 for pretending to be a doctor. She's going to have leukemia. And she has been running this scam for about a year and a half. People started questioning what was going on when in January 2011, she told her friends and classmates that she only had six months to live. And a year later, like she's still around and she hasn't lost any hair. She's obviously not going through any treatment. Yeah, there's no chemo going on. And she's still running her Achieve the Dream Foundation. Wow. And you can tell this girl's kind of dumb. I mean, she's 19 years old and she's a high school girl. She's a high school girl. And she's a high school girl. And she's a high school girl. She's a high school senior. So she's obviously been held back somewhere. Either that or she's a super senior. Well, that means she's been held back somewhere. I mean, I didn't become a super senior by being advanced. What's a super senior? That's the name that I decided to use when I had to go back for a second senior year. So the five-year high school student is the super senior. I think that would be how you describe it. You're right. Held back before high school. Would that still make you a super senior or just a senior? No, just a regular one. You have to have two senior years to be a super senior. That's right. A super senior. I could have graduated if I'd given a shit. But at that time, that was not my real skill set. That wasn't his MO. Giving a shit about school? No. No, I was better at breaking things and lighting them on fire. Like animals? Animals and stuff? No, animals were never a part of it. Animals are adorable. Okay. I may use an animal as bait to trick a butthole in and I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna get this guy. People are fair game. I'm gonna fuck with them. But no, I love little animals. All right. But I mean, $17,000 off of your friends and your families and your... It's pretty psycho. It's a sociopath, right? Yeah. Yeah. Now she's trying to lie and say that, oh, I never said that I actually had it. I'm trying to raise money for other children who have this disease. And all the money that she spent on herself was just the administrative cost of running this organization. Glitter is not free. And she became... The only way glitter is free is when you... Actually, you go to a strip club and... Yeah. Try to get it off of you before you get home. That's the only way glitter is free. Actually, you're right because I believe the movie Glitter, if you find it anywhere, they actually pay you to take it out of their store because they don't want it on the shelves. Glitter? Why am I not remembering that one? That was the Mariah Carey movie. Oh, yeah. It tells the same story of every singer that comes to Los Angeles. Isn't it sort of like a showgirls but only with a singer kind of deal? Yeah. That's when she started doing that whole swath of paint on her arm. Yeah. And she really tried to get everybody to start doing it. I didn't see anybody walking around with this little swath of silver paint. It wasn't like the Dead Poets Society with a lightning bolt on your chest? No, no. Everybody did? Yeah. I love when these girls try and start a trend and then it doesn't catch on. Like Paris Hilton wanted to get everybody to say, that's hot and nobody did it. That's hot. Oh, isn't that great? We say it now because it's now kind of ironic. Yeah, they're very hot. to mean that things are... She wanted to replace like that's cool or something like that rather than be what it is. Womp, womp. That's what I had to say to that. Too bad, so sad. Figure out a talent or put in another sex tape. Actually, I gotta say, I feel really sorry for Paris Hilton and her little journeys she's had here. The last sex tape that came out of her was just so sad and pathetic. She wasn't good at it? No, it wasn't even that. Like she's laying around in a bubble bath and whoever the dude was, some nameless guy, comes in and he's like, hey Paris, it's time to make another sex tape. She's like, I don't want to. I don't wanna. And he's like, well, that's all you're good at. Oh, did he say that? Yeah. She's like, no, people like me for more than that. She's like, no, people only want to see dick in your mouth. Get out of here. This is horrible. And then she gave into it and just decided to do it. I mean, she was just totally brow beaten by this dude. Knowing that it was going to go out? Yeah, well, I think that she always thinks it's private and it's not really going to go out to anybody because she's dumb as a bag of rocks. This is the thing about guys. When you have to force a girl, how does it, doesn't it cease to be pleasurable when you have to force a girl into doing anything with you? It takes all the, I think for most men, yes. But there's so many men who will beg and beg and beg and force you and try until you give in. How is that any fun? I mean, this is 30 minutes of her trying to cover herself up in the bath. That's sad. Until she finally decides to give in and do it. That's like, that sort of sounds illegal. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know what I mean in a way? I don't like that. I think this was, came out of that treasure trove of stuff they found in her storage unit when it went up to auction and then they got all of her possessions. This is one of the videos in there. I don't understand how rich people forget about these things. Yeah. I mean, the storage lockers, we talked about the storage wars. It's just amazing to me when people who have some form of wealth or some kind of financial viability allow their stuff to go up. I mean, they found this, they found all of these wonderful things and little artifacts in your personal locker that you decided you didn't want to pay the 50 bucks to keep for that month. Why does Paris Hilton have a storage facility anything? Probably because she has just so much stuff that even her gigantic house can't keep it all. Well, when you're in that level, every time you go someplace, people just give you things. Yeah. It's like, you don't even want to go out and buy it. Like, they just keep giving you more like, oh, because we want to see a picture of you with this stuff. So it just keeps coming and coming and coming. God. That sounds nice. I hope I get built up to that somehow. The next on our Tales of Idiocy is about a Virginia teacher who has been arrested for firing blanks at his students. Dude, I don't get this story at all. I mean, so a teacher, he decided that he wanted to scare his students or something? Yeah, it says, Manuel Ernest Dillo, Dillo, yes, age 60, was teaching a welding class at a vocational school when he reportedly gathered the money for the attention of his students by forcing them to line up. He then pulled a blank-firing handgun, black in color, from the black waistband of his pants and discharged the weapon between four and ten shots in the direction of the line of the students. Here's what I know. This is not a story about these students overcoming fear and deciding to take the teacher down before shit went wrong. These guys actually lined up thinking that they were going to get shot. I feel that, um, that's awful. Yeah. I mean, why, you see like the stories of like that plane flight that the guys got up and was it, um, let's roll or something like that and they took down the terrorists who were going to crash the plane. This is not that story. This is about kids who decided, okay, we're just going to get shot. He told them to line up as if he was going to execute them and they did? Yes. Yes. How old were these kids? It's a vocational school and it doesn't actually say the age of the student so it could have been, uh, It was a vocational school? They probably deserved it. I'm just kidding. Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't say, yeah, so I'm guessing they're probably older, probably like 16 to 25 learning a trade at this school and he was the welding teacher. These kids, you can tell just like, The welding teacher. Doesn't that just say it all? The welding teacher at a vocational school. Well, the gun itself is actually not capable of firing real bullets. It is just a blank firing gun and, uh, but he's facing six felony counts all of which can be punishable by up to five years each. Wow. And, uh, a $2,500 fine and so he's, What is going on in that guy's life? It is a hell of a way to say I quit. Yes. He is not going to be hired there any longer. And the school is really close to Virginia Tech and it was only like five days after the five year anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech. Wow. How insensitive. Yeah, exactly. Too soon, sir. Too soon. I remember like, um, one teacher I hated threw an eraser at me and like, that stayed with me for a long time. I'm like, Mr. McDonald threw an eraser at me. You never told anybody? Um, yeah, I told somebody. But nothing happened. Did he hit you? Um, I got out of his class and didn't deal with him anymore. I got an automatic A in it and didn't have a fifth period for a year. But, um, anyways, um, I remember being like really bummed out. Like, oh, he threw an eraser at me. This guy thought he was, pretended he was going to kill them. Wow, that's scary. Can you imagine being in that class and you're like a really good student and you're kneeling on the ground and putting your hands behind your head and you're like, it's going to be on the test? Messed up. And finally, in our tales of idiocy, this is actually not a person but a company. And this company is a sunglasses producer and they are naming them after Helen Keller. Good God, that is so tasteless. They're so dark, I believe this is their motto, they're so dark that not even you will be able to see the world. That's awful. It's like somebody putting out like the Anne Frank diary collection like for you for like little girls to write their Anne Frank electronic diary collection. Choose a password the Nazis won't be able to figure out. Wow. Why would anybody want sunglasses that dark anyway? I think that they're even more than just sunglasses. I think they also are like regular reading glasses like the frames can be used for that or something. I saw a video a little bit on the story about how the company is like, well, we just wanted to respect her and say that she had an entrepreneurial spirit so that's why we're doing this. But come on, that's bullshit. The line slogan is, this is what their actual slogan is, you see the world, the world sees you. It's just not good. So wait, wait, wait, wait, it's named after Helen Keller who was both blind and deaf and you're telling us that with these sunglasses I'll be able to see the world and they will see me. It's just such a bad idea. Yeah. It's like the John Wayne Bobbitt penis pump or, I mean, it's like things that people just don't need. I wish I could pull up this audio quicker. This is my, the real story of Helen Keller. All right, shut it. Okay, hey, I'm holding the serious pencil at level eight, five, three, okay, all right, so let's talk about history's most famous little caca-faced animal kid, the deaf mute Helen Keller. An ex-Confederate and his prissed-out bells sort of took care of her. He'd let her go ape crap around the plantation, humping the furniture, burgling turds and killing chickens. Now, for a test here, let's, who here is deaf? Lady, what is that? It's from a cartoon called China, Illinois. Oh. And I use that burgling turds, Helen Keller, history's most caca-faced little monsters all the time. I know it's no effing with tonight. Oh, come on. No, it's good. But it's, it still has its merits. Okay, so one thing that probably doesn't fit in like the stupidest person, but it fits in the stupidest company. In regards to idiocy. Yeah, I mean, last week we were talking about James Cameron like got the name of a company registered and people were trying to wonder like exactly what it was going to be. Planetary resources. Planetary resources. Well, I guess we're going to find out at the top of the hour as they hold a news conference who officially announced that yes, they will be mining asteroids. Awesome. This seems like it has like the worst ideas, one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. They've been talking about, I've heard this theory for years that the asteroids themselves just because they're made up of the same asteroids stuff that our planet is could potentially hold just huge amounts of different kind of ores and resources that are there. I think that every asteroid is going to be a little different though. I don't think that you're going to know what you're getting until you actually land something on that asteroid. Right. And then you put like some dynamite or something on it to blow it up. You're going to change it off its projected course and it's going to come, it's coming straight for us. Right. And who's paying for this? James Cameron. Titanic money. Titanic money. Titanic money. Avatar money. Avatar money. Yeah. Microsoft money. So at least it's a private venture. Ross Perot money. Whatever it was they did. Yeah, I don't know how they made their money. Carpetbaggers from the north that moved down to Texas. That would not surprise me. Well, they don't have, you know, have you ever seen those shows about the, when the cave divers, what's it called? Spelunking? Uh-huh. And they go down, yeah, and they find, they find all those minerals and stalactites and stuff that hang from the ceiling. Supposedly there's stuff down there that is really, rich in minerals and resources that we haven't even explored yet. And you would think that we would stay here on Earth and sort of do that before we go out. Where there's less of a chance of shit going wrong. Well, see, at the same time, if we're going into these places that are like a natural wonder where people like to go and use it as a place to entertain themselves by like doing this sport, they're not going to like that. They're going to try and stop that. Whereas we can't stop them from going up to an asteroid. It's true. You know, they're going to blast off, go for it. I really hope that James Cameron is on the first mission to this asteroid that he's going to mine because that means he'll stop making movies down here. Dude, he might be. He gets himself involved in all these things. Like, have you seen any of those videos of him going to the bottom of the ocean and that one man diver? Like, he's gotten now, he holds the record. That single man suit? He holds the record for the deepest dive now on Earth because he started learning about it during the movie The Abyss. Yeah. And it's just been something that he's always wanted to get back to and do. And he got to the bottom of the, oh, what's that trench? The Mariana Trench? He got down to the bottom of it and it's on National Geographic I think this Sunday night. Okay. His entire journey down to it. It's just the same suit that where he has to, it's the highly oxygenated water that he actually has to breathe that in and it will breathe through that and then has to puke it all up when he, yeah. Would you guys do that? No. I know it's a deep dive. Okay, the deep sea dive within that suit where I don't go so deep that I have to use the oxygenated water? Maybe. If I could get down to a depth where I could like kind of move it and see the creatures that are down there, I might. Okay. But one where I'm gonna have to almost what feels like drowning, no. Yeah, that's scary. No, thank you. I'd be afraid to go that deep. And sometimes, I've, yeah. I've had to say that a couple times myself. I have no idea what you're talking about. And sometimes stupidity pays off. Like, they say that the lottery is a tax on the stupid. Right. And that it's something that, you know, just idiots buy into. Well, this woman who was stupid enough to actually buy two different times, two different tickets into the same lottery actually won twice on the same lottery pool. She got five out of five without the mega ball. And she chose random numbers each time. She didn't choose any of the numbers. So one machine picked, the two different machines picked the two random numbers. What'd she win? She won a million dollars twice. Twice. And one day, Son of a bitch. Pretty awesome. I mean, stupid. Because, I mean, if you already bought your tickets and you got yourself in, then why do it again? But sometimes stupidity pays off. Impressive. Well, yeah, begs the question, is it stupid? For like the other billion times that she's done it, yes, it was stupid. In this one case, it seems like it paid off and paid off well. Maybe it's not quite as bad as I think it is. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who I thought it was. Lucky her. Oh, total. I mean, I couldn't imagine winning a lottery. I couldn't even imagine winning like $50 in the lottery because I just don't play. Are you a lottery ticket buyer? I am not. I will do it when my hand is forced and people are like, come on, man, it's 300 million. I'm like, alright, I'll buy three and that's it. How about you, Brian? I enjoy the scratchers. I've won $100 a couple of times. I've won $50 I'd say a half a dozen times on different scratchers. It always does depend on how much money you spend see how much money you're going to win. But I did purchase one of those big $10 ones that they have here in California now. Really? And $125 off of it. So I was up $15 and I was like, okay, great. I don't have to buy another one of these. I'm a winner on this. Why is it $10? Because you have that many more chances of winning. Fewer people will buy a $10 ticket. No. No, it's totally to get people to go in and buy multiples of these $10 tickets instead of the $5 ones or the $2 ones or the $3 ones. Is that the snazzy black looking ticket? That's a $5 one. That's a new one as well. I haven't played that one yet. This one, it's got like five numbers that you can win by and like four lines of five. So there's like 20 potential chances of winning there. And like I said, the one time I played, it cost me $10. I wound up winning $25. Okay, good for me. Came out ahead. A little bit. That's not bad. I just don't have any faith in myself that I'm going to win something like that. I usually like to use some of like the $3 ones that are like crosswords and such. I'll buy one every couple of days. And hey, if I win something, if I win another ticket, I'll go get another ticket. If I win a couple of bucks, hey. I have a brother-in-law that has a sickness. Yes. Yeah, I don't have the gambling gene. He likes to come into town and buy an entire roll of lottery tickets. Yeah, that's sad. It is sad. It's like $900. He'll buy $303 tickets and just sit there. Yeah, if my mother had the money to do that, she would do that too. She loves, we call them scratch off. We call them rub offs in New Jersey. We have a different thing for what a rub off is. Yeah, I know. I know. Rub off to somebody out here and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? I barely know you. What are you offering me? Okay, let's go in the back. It's a rub off. But my mother's just like, when are you going to send me some rub offs from California? She loves. You should pack up one of those $10 ones and send it off to her. I should. I probably should. $10 is a lot. Just get her a dollar one. It is. Get her a bunch of small ones, right? Yeah. It's more fun because you've brought, you've scratched them off and, you know, it's like more. And California now offers a second chance option with the scratchers where you can actually, it takes a little bit of time, but you go to the website. You type them. You register yourself in there and you type in the numbers on the ticket and it will list all these tickets that you have. And then every three months they have a drawing and the top prize is like $25,000. There's one of those and then there's multiple $5,000 winners. There's some $1,000 winners and, you know, it's an opportunity to try and win some more. If you want to, you know, for the people who do nothing but live off of scratchers and then, you know, it gives them a chance to sit in front of their computer while they're not doing anything else because they've run out of scratchers. Yeah. Put those in. Well, it's never been easier to gamble than it is now in America. Oh, sure. I mean, you can do all those scratchers. You can do all your online horse betting and sports books. The OTB and sports books from Vegas. All your poker and all those games you could possibly want because they just park a boat off of the shore here in California and then they're like, hey, now we're in the international waters and we do whatever we want. You guys, you go. And on top of that, for us here in Southern California, it's only a five-hour drive or a one-hour flight to Los Angeles. It's a five-hour drive. It's a five-hour drive. If you really want to, if you've got that itch and you need to go out and scratch it, it's not a bad way to go either. Do we do what? I was going to say, are you gamblers? Do you like to go to casinos and stuff like that? Not really. We've been a couple of times. You have been? Well, you and I went once and then I've been to... We went to a casino? Yeah, we were out in Vegas for Jack Black and the NKG. Oh, we went to a concert and there happened to be like... There happened to be. No, no, but we also... I did not make a trip to a casino. Yeah, the next day we went to that hotel where we had breakfast and then we saw a guy and we sat and learned to play craps. Oh, yeah. I mean, that makes sense. I mean, it wasn't one of the strip casinos. It was one of the locals like hotels and casinos. But it's not like I've ever jumped in the car at 4 o'clock on a Friday and been like, I got to go gamble. Yeah, that scares me. No, no, this was a planned trip, but we did go out to Vegas and we did do a little bit of gambling. I mean, you won a couple of bucks playing craps and learning how to do that. I won like 40 bucks at a slot machine that weekend. So it was... It is what it is. I don't like casinos to be very honest. I like... You know what? I like... I like Reno a lot. I just don't like Vegas. Reno just has a more quaint feeling to it. Yeah. And I don't feel the pressure to game there that I do when I've been to Vegas. Right. I mean, it's just you're so inundated with... Whereas like Reno or I also really like Tahoe where you've got the South Shore has both the California and Nevada borders. So you've got to go back and forth and it's... Those are nice areas to go and it's fun to do a little gambling there. But, you know, I usually take 20 or 50 bucks and that'll be all. I have. Oh, yeah. So you're not hardcore. No, no, no. I imagine that it's kind of like the same thing on the East Coast. People just head to Atlantic City, right? Oh, sure. Yeah. My mother used to hop on the bus and she wanted to go down there all the time. I thought it was the most depressing place on earth because you walk in, it's all these old people. Some of them are on oxygen tents. They're pumping their last dollar into these goddamn slot machines all day. They've got their oxygen tank and their cigarette going at the same time. Yeah, and their cigarette going. I mean, nothing depressed me more. My mother would sit there in like her little purple Mau Mau like pulling the lever and I just wanted to cry. I just think it's so depressing. I think we just heard another difference between East Coast and West Coast. What? You said a Mau Mau? Yeah. I believe out here we call them Moo Moos. Oh, that's funny. Another difference. If you're talking about the long house coats. Just the big fat mom house coat. Yeah. Yeah. I too find it so depressing to go to those places. It's just full of desperation and there goes the kid's lunch money. Let's be able to hope to make some cash back. Yeah. I want to be a gambler though. Like I wish I could do. I'm so bad at math. Like I can't even fit. When you talk about odds and shit, like I don't even know what. I can't put it. I can't even put it together in my head. So I should never gamble. But in my heart. Just slot machines because you don't have to worry about odds in that one. But that's just kind of, I feel like I'm cheating because anybody could do that. And even then you have to know a little bit. Like you have to know that your odds are better to fill the machine every time with like maximum rolls as opposed to taking a single spin at a time. Single spins and like. I can't. I just can't. That's like a math stuff. I can't do math and it's not worth it. I'll lose. It's good to know. Like where are your levels of things you're not good at as opposed to being like, I'm not good at math, but I'm going to go gamble everything and see how it goes. Unfortunately, everything is, you know what? All the teachers in school were right. Everything is math to a certain degree. Music, even comedy, timing, you know, everything you do is math. So I'm fucked. No, you're fine. Just find like a good Jew. Take care of your money. Are you a Jew? I suspect I am, but I don't really know. I see. Oh, you're adopted? My mother was adopted in Germany and I suspect that I do have that gene within me, but we don't have the genealogy together. But you look more Aryan. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. Don't you think? He definitely has much more Germanic looks to him. Yeah. But both, but I mean, your father was also of German descent, wasn't he? He was, yes. Yeah. So, I mean, his mother was adopted in Germany and she wound up marrying a German man. He was a German guy. That's, I think, why Jake does have such Germanic features. I don't, I don't know what, I know I'm Swiss, German, and Welsh are my three mixes. So I'm just a European mutt out here on the West Coast. Yeah. What is your breakdown? Italian and Irish. Wow. Yeah. I don't look Irish. Dago Mick. Yeah, Dago Mick. Fiery. Totally. My town was, if you weren't all Italian in my town, you were half Irish, half Italian. Those were the two options? That was it. I think we graduated. There was no all Irish either? It was either all Italian? It was. Italian or Italian Irish? There were a few all Irish, but not a lot. A lot of. Because you have to mix them somehow. So imagine they'd be in the neighborhood. They were in the, yeah, it was all Italian and Irish. I didn't even know what a Jew was until I got to college. And I think we graduated with like five black kids. It was, you look at my yearbook, everybody's name ends in a vowel. It's a, it's quite something. Wow. Yeah. Hilarious. Hey, I'm going to go to our, I'm having a hard time getting this to come up. Can we play one of your, your impersonation contest videos? Please do. All right. I think we should go with, just because I love the Lupe. It's just. Yeah, that was always your favorite. You love it, baby. I do. So we'll be back right after this. Hello. Today is October 5th, 2010. And as promised, I'm doing. My fourth video blog for you. Post Mr. Stern show. Now, most of you have been very thoughtful. And reached out with lots of praise and wishing me luck. However, many of you have been hateful and disrespectful. And taunting me and saying terrible, evil things. And to those people, I say. Fuck you, douche. All right. A lot of you are fucking writing nasty shit on my fucking Facebook and on YouTube. And all I have to say is you're a fucking no good douche. You can say whatever the fuck you want. I went on Howard and you didn't, and you probably never fucking will. So fuck off. You no good lowlife scumbag. Bye. Bye. Bye. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. nice things to me because you think I'm funny and you want me to show you my titties but I'm not going to do that because that's for little Lupe but I don't do that so I'm not going to show you my boobies even though you love big boobs and I look nice but I'm not going to show you and I'm not going to marry you or show you my feet or go out on a date with you because I don't do this. I'm professional. I do impersonations and if you want me to do that I can do it but I'm not going to go out with you. You can go out with little Lupe instead. Okay? Okay. I'll talk to you later. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good. I'll stand right next to that kid. You'll see it on Howard TV. I think it's going to be on tonight after midnight, but I'm not sure. I'm sure what you consider to be like obscurity and stuff, like kind of doing like your own thing and to be able to be on that big of a platform and have so many people recognize you. And I see your Facebook page. There's always people writing in on your different appearances and the things you do. So, yeah, it was it was crazy. I mean, I know Howard's got a lot of fans and crazy fans, but I mean, it still hasn't stopped to this day. Twitter and Facebook and and every time I do another call in or do another impersonation, it starts up all over again. So it's like, yeah, it's really kind of cool. That's awesome. And we do appreciate you coming in here today. Thanks so much for having me. Hey, I know we got one more story here before we lose Brent for the rest of the show today. So what is your crowning achievement story today? My crowning achievement story is. Apparently, we've got a bunch of kids going out there and they found a way to get drunk without having to pop off any like fake IDs or. OK, let me guess. They're drinking gasoline. No, no, that would that would probably kill them very, very quickly. OK, so I think if you take like a loaf of bread and you pour the gasoline through it, it's supposed to take everything out of it. I don't believe that. I think you're trying to kill students. I really do. I think that would really. Just like that teacher with the blanks. Yeah, don't don't actually do this. Please don't do what Jake just said. But I'm pretty sure it works. I'm glad you're pretty sure. Why don't you test it out tomorrow or test it out this afternoon? I don't really like to drink. Oh, you really don't. Look, if I could pour like a bag of oregano through like a grinder and it came out weed, I'd be like, yes, try that. Well, no. Teenagers are now using hand sanitizer. Apparently, you add some salt to it to help break down the alcohol. And it's it's like 120 proof shot. It's like 62 percent alcohol. OK, look, this isn't done because it's cheap, because hand sanitizer ounce to ounce is probably more expensive than alcohol. Are there no degenerative? You can get like a three ounce bottle of it for ninety nine cents. CBS. I can buy like a 12 ounce beer for like a buck. OK, but that's not going to have the same level of alcohol. And it'll have a lot of calories. It's going to have 60 percent. Yeah. Like what is the calorie intake on a bottle of hand sanitizer? It doesn't actually say in the article what the calorie intake for a shot of ethyl alcohol. You know, all the girls in L.A. are just like, yeah, I don't know how sanitizer's got no calories. Dirty dicks down the throat. Just in San Fernando Valley alone, there have been six kids who have been admitted to the emergency room from alcohol. And they're not drinking from alcohol poisoning because they're drinking too much of it. I mean, it's at such a high level of alcohol. It's doesn't take much for you to for to hit your system, especially if you're a teenager, your body's not ready for that. That amount of alcohol, you have to build up to it. If anyone can tell you, it's me. You've got to you have to train your liver and you got to start off easy. Go with the beer, move up to the hard alcohol when you get to college and then really hit it hard when you're when you're an adult. You should go speak at schools. Yes. Well, after the AA guy gets up, it'll be me going like, if you don't want to be an alcoholic, be a drunk like me because I don't go to meetings. I've gotten high off of all sorts of things that aren't like, quote unquote, drugs or alcohol. Like what? OK, so one of the first times I ever really remember getting messed up, I was working for a float for the Tournament of Roses. There's all these hot glues and the vapors, the vapors coming off it were messing me up. I mean, I was. I was like kind of tripping balls there. And I realized I had to step away from this table because this is really getting me good. And then I remember even like fourth and fifth grade girls would take like those those markers and they would just draw them out and then they would smell. Or back then, like liquid paper was a liquid paper. You would sit there and I remember watching people sit there and it was just like I mean, I remember going, it's got an interesting smell and I know that's white out, but I don't feel the need to keep on. Oh, let's do that again. I don't. That never really worked for me. Is it paper too? Because remember that scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High when they pass out the dittos and every kid in the class smells them? The mimeograph. Yeah, it had that purple ink and they were always warm and you would sit there. It was warm. Yeah. You'd be able to get a little a little rush off of those. Stuff that I recall. I think it's like model glue. Yeah. Model glue absolutely does that. Stuff that I remember that that isn't classified as a drug and you can actually get it online and stuff is like salvia. First time I ever smoked that stuff. Oh shit. My God. Uh. That scene in Trainspotting where he sinks into the carpeting. Oh yeah. I was sitting on it. You smoke it out of a bong. So I'm sitting on this couch. They hand me this nice little packed bowl of this stuff and I go to light up and I get about half of that bowl smoked when I and the smoke hits my lungs and I am coughing horrendously then I lean back. The bong is still in my hand on my knee and all I can do that's the that was the one thing that was like keeping me within reality. It was like my anchor because I started to to like fall. I was like I'm gonna fall into the couch. The music that was playing was colorful to say the very least but I couldn't take my eyes off the bong because there was still the chamber of smoke and as a weed smokers like that's impolite to leave that like that you don't leave stale smoke in there. So I was trying to get myself to lean forward to finish off that that pipe that bong load didn't happen for 20 minutes. I just sat there and then all of a sudden it was like I kind of just like came right out of it like sat up and was like whoa. And I felt so bad. I was like. I'm gonna take that stone for the next three hours. It's absolutely crazy. What is salvia? Salvia is a it's another herb from South America that has not been declared a Class A narcotic yet. It is a Class A narcotic. It just hasn't been declared yet. It could be sold anywhere. I mean you can buy it at pharmacies I mean you can find it in all sorts of crazy places. It was used by Native South Americans for like their medicine men to have their visions and such. Basically. it gives you about a 20 minute, what feels like acid trip. And then it makes you just feel high for about two or three times longer than weed. Having never taken acid. This was the first like trip I had gone on and it was just, I was, it was, it was wacky. First time I did it, I went to, um, the LA County fair and had never tried it before. It's a hot ass August day. It's about 105 degrees. We're sitting in the car and I'm like, okay, I'm going to try this now before we walk in there. Um, I take like a, my first hit and I realized I don't need, I don't need two hits. Um, I, I see, I realized that too. I stand up and literally all, all it felt like was like the tips of my toes were on, are on earth. And then I was just like this big rubber band that was bounding down hundreds of feet underground. Every step I took, I opened the back door and I'm like, whoa. Um, I had this black bag, complete black. There's not a stitch of color on it. I'm like, well, my bag's gone rainbow. That's, um, I said to my wife, uh, grab my rainbow bag. She's like, rainbow bag. Like, yeah, the rainbow bag. Um, I, I felt like Hunter S. Thompson for about 10 minutes. Yeah. That's a very good way of putting it. Very Hunter S. Thompson. Like, I mean, it was just nuts. I mean, the guys were playing a basketball video game, so they weren't even paying attention to me. So when I came out of it, they looked over like, you all right? It's like, yeah. It's like, why are you holding onto that bong so tight? It's like, dude, I couldn't let go of it. And I wanted to clear it, but I couldn't. It's like, ah, you're not going to want to touch that. But I tried it again a couple of years later. It didn't have as big a trip, but still, it was just like, woo. Okay. That's fun. All right, Branta, we've reached the end of the line for you here today. For me today, yes, I'm off to work. I'll be back tomorrow at 9 a.m. with you. And, uh, who do we got tomorrow? Just as a little preview. Do you remember? I forget at the moment. Well, we'll figure that out and we'll talk about it tomorrow. Rachel, thanks for coming in. Really appreciate it. Thank you. Sonia, thank you. See you tomorrow. Jake, as always, my best friend. Good to see you. And I'll talk to you later. Dig it, homie. Have a good one. Okay. So Rachel, have you ever like been like a big drinker, drug person, or are you a more straight edge? I'm just, yeah, I'm not, I mean, I don't, I'm not against anything. I like gambling. I wish I could be a druggie. I would like sit around fantasizing that I could take acid. I spot like just makes my heart pound and makes me paranoid. I have no fun with it, but I want to, there's like this little kid that lives downstairs from me. All this kid does is sit and smoke out of his bong all day. And he's just like, yo, come down. I'll smoke you out. And I'm like, okay, yeah, someday. But I just don't like, I don't want to make a fool out of myself. And I've never gotten the need to like sniff glue or like smell the paper. I just never felt the need to get high. You seem like a person that needs to have a bit more control over things. Yeah, I do have control. I don't like to be out of control in my body. It's not, it's not good for me. I do drink. I love wine and I love alcohol, but I try not to get super drunk just because I don't like to be out of control. Yeah, that's different too. I mean, there, there is a lot more control of what you're doing that way. I mean, even though, you know, you probably do worse things when you're drinking than when you do when you're high. Like nobody ever gets in a fight because they're getting high, but people get in a fight because they're drinking. Yeah. But you do have a little bit more control over how it's coming in. People have sex with the wrong guy when they, when they get high. Well, okay. What do you mean? I don't know. I just do. Do they, when you, sometimes when you get drunk, you're, for whatever reason, you start feeling sexy and you do things, with somebody you might not normally do. Your vision gets a little bit messed up. Yeah. Everything starts looking like glossy and like magic hour pretty. And you just kind of do it. I mean, no, you wouldn't do it if you weren't drunk. Does that happen when you're high too? Not really. I mean, when you're high, you like, you barely even go out. I mean, you just stay home and you enjoy yourself. Again, that's why I wouldn't like it. I'm a very social person. I like to interact with people. That's probably why too, because I just don't, I like love interaction with people. So if I'm high all the time, it would probably, it would probably mess that up for me. I just play video games and mess around and, you know. It's that whole culture. Yeah. I don't know. I just never got into it. The good stuff of life. So what are you doing out here in LA now? Like how are you spending your time? If the effing with is not going on momentarily. Yeah. I just did, I just did four cartoon teasers with this writer, Josh Lieb, who used to write for the Daily Show. He's got this thing called Gleep TV on YouTube. Gleep? Yeah. G-L-E-E-P TV. And he's putting together these series of cartoon teasers, a lot of like spoofs of the voice, a lot of political spoofs. So I just did, I did Christina Hendricks last week. I did Christina Aguilera, some Madonna, Rihanna. So those are up. You can see those on YouTube now. It's just auditioning for voiceovers and stuff. And yeah, just trying to try to get my name out there. And doing the comedy. And doing the comedy. Yeah. Like I said, I'll be in San Francisco this week doing the Howard Stern stuff. Any LA gigs lined up? I don't have any gigs lined up right now. I'm working on it. Oh, well. I'm at UCB though. So I'm taking improv class at UCB. My graduation show is May 20th. So that'll be fun. All right. That's nice. That's one day after our next live show. If you need to have a place to work some stuff out, come out May 19th to Santa Monica. Oh, for sure. We actually have gotten the permission now to name off our first headliner from that show. We have Dane Cook's worldwide headlining opener. J. Chris Newberg. Awesome. Incredibly hilarious guy. We're so honored to have him coming on. And so we'll have J. Chris Newberg out there. And now we're adding Rachel Butera to it. So is it the radio show that you're doing out there? Well, it is a stage show that has some stand-up comedy in it. Last month we had too many comics. Okay. We had like 11 comics. Right. This time we're going to cut it down to six. And then we're going to do a five to ten minute set depending upon how much time people want to do. And then we're going to do a stage interlude. And then we're going to do an interview with them afterwards. Okay. Oh, so we did this at Improv. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, okay. So it's kind of the same idea as that. It's a little more advanced than we were doing it then. But we'll get you out there again. No pressure on the radio. It's probably a rude place to ask. No, I'd love to. Anytime anybody asks me to do anything, I'll do it. What's the UCB class you're taking? Well, I'm going through the Improv ranks. And I'm in 301 right now. So then it's 401. And then it's advanced classes. And then I guess if they like you and you fit in well, you become a member. Okay. You become a performer there. So I'm just really trying to go that route. You know, I love the voiceovers. But I think comedy and performing on stage is really more my thing. Was Improv something that you had done before? No. I took one class back in New York at UCB before I left. And I decided to just keep going with it out here because it's fun. There's no doubt. I mean, it's about the most fun you can have on stage and not be a porn performer. Do porn performers go on stage? Hey, that's a good idea. Porn players. Porn plays. Do you have those? I would totally watch that. Porn plays. Dude, let's do that. There's no way that you would be able to keep me out of that studio. Me either. And I'm barely even a creep. And there's all sorts of people who are like real creeps. You're not a creep if you watch porn. I watch porn. Am I a creep? No. It's become a more acceptable thing for ladies in the last couple of years to do that. Because, you know, 10 years ago, you would never have gotten any female to admit that she even had seen like a frame of it. Except me. I would always admit it. I used to steal my brother's pornos when I was 10. Put them in the VCR. Wow. Yeah. He like had this door on his room that wouldn't close right. So I would have to hold it closed with my left foot. Like so make sure my mother didn't walk in. And then I would have like, you know, the remote in my hand and like the VCR going. It was this whole elaborate setup. It is weird when you're young, like the steps that you will go through to try to get yourself a little bit of private time. Yeah, I know. Yeah. So I guess other people were getting high and I was like masturbating in my brother's bedroom. Does he ever know that this has happened? I don't know if he knows it. You know, he was in. I got home earlier from him and then school from him and he they must have known. But nobody ever said or caught me or anything like that. Nobody was ever like, hey, this is where the tape was queued up when I last left it. Yeah. Like a really meticulous person who would be like, OK, we got to rewind it back to here. I did. It's like I do not want to be caught. I did. I would. I would rewind it back. But I would also like rifle through all his hustler magazines and we and cherry and all those magazines. Yeah. And I would try and make sure I put them right back under his bed where I found him. But he must have. They probably know. Yeah. I'll tell you this much. Once you are done with that product for the moment, I mean, once you've completed your act, you have no idea what you've done with any of it. Like you just scatter it in. Oh, is that true? Just get it away from me. So I he probably never knew. Maybe not. Maybe not. That's good. That's a good thing. I remember the first time that I found like a porn magazine. It was one of my mom's boyfriends. And I did the exact same thing. Like you try to take it out and make sure that nobody knows that you've touched it and you found it. But eventually I just became like really lazy. And he came out to me one day. He's like, I noticed that all my magazines are gone. Where did you bring them? Like all of them are gone. There aren't any left there. Well, I'll put them back. And he's like, I don't want them now that you've actually had them. You don't treat them right. Ew. Yeah. My brothers are always clean. I got to say. No sticky pages. Yeah. That would be one step too far. Like I do feel lucky that I mean, I feel I try to keep them nice. You mean now? Even then. I mean, accidents happen. I mean, I would. This is gross. But I remember one of my friends told me that when he got one, he liked to do it all over the page. Also pretend like he was actually doing it. Doing it to the girl. And. But you only can do it like one time that way. And like you can never go back and look at her and see that picture again. But isn't that the thing with guys? Don't they like not like to repeat the same porno experience? I just don't think I'm like a regular guy. I mean, I hear these stories. Like I remember this one girl that I was interested in. And I'm trying to be like the nice gentleman guy and trying to make sure that everything is going good. And she's like, how come you haven't taken your dick out yet? Whoa. Like what? Well, when guys come over here, they just take their dick out and they put it in my face. Like what? What the fuck are you talking about? Who's this girl? She was trashy. There's no doubt. To say the least. But I just hear like behavior from dudes and I can't believe that that's what they do and how they act. Well, that's, yeah. I mean, that's different. Like I said, different wiring. But then if you've got the girl. Well, was the girl disappointed that you didn't take your dick out? I mean, not for long. I mean, you know, then I realized, oh, that's what I'm supposed to do. So did you do it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't, you know. That totally happened. Well, you got a girl saying that. I mean, it's like the chicken and egg thing. It's like who started it, you know? Are men just gross? Are they pigs or are they that way? Because we invite them to be that way. And I thought this kind of seemed theory out a little bit. It seems like a lot of girls, like you really have, it's not that you have to force the issue, but you have to let them know that. Um, that there's something we could be doing here. Really? Yeah. Like, at least in my world. I mean, how do you like let a guy know that you're actually interested in him? I mean, it's always just a feeling, a kind of chemistry thing you have between somebody. But I think the problem comes in is that men always feel the chemistry because chemistry to them is a hard on. And so they, they don't need to feel what a girl needs to feel. And they, they, they're getting vibe that you want to have sex with them just because you're looking them in the eye and talking to them and not running away. And. Oh yeah. No. No doubt men were retarded with. Yeah. Retarded. And, and the girl is just like, oh no, we were just having an okay time. It doesn't mean I want to have sex with you. And so it's, you know, but I mean, if I want to, it's definitely like lots of eye contact and flirting and touching and getting closer and that kind of thing. If you're, if you're, if you're not touching somebody or if you're backing off when they try to touch you, sure sign guys, she does not want to be touched. Yeah. I was going to ask like, what's a good way of letting a guy know that he's, that he's not really welcome to do. Yeah. I mean, if he start like, I was, I was on a date with this guy the other day and he was all nervous. The gay guy or someone else? No, a different guy. He was like kind of nervous and awkward. He kept hitting his, hitting the plate with his hands. And, but then he, he's telling me I had nice hair and he kept like reaching over to stroke my hair, but he was doing it like a, like a monkey. Like it was just all awkward and weird. And I was, you know, I was recoiling and, and, and he, he couldn't tell that I was, instead of just saying like, hey, don't do that. Cause I have a hard time doing that. I just was sort of like backing up and pulling away. Yeah. And he, he just, he wasn't really getting it, you know? So, so I would say if you go to touch a girl and she shrinks, she does not want to be touched by you. Good advice. Yeah. I'm glad that we can teach our guy listeners out there something. And I don't speak for all women. I'm just talking about me and I'm weird and I'm picky and I got a lot of problems with, with a lot of guys. So that's just me. So how many like online, online dates have you actually gone on? Recently it's been quite a bit. Now I'm just doing it as an experiment. I have so much material. I have so much material for my act. It's great. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. Like I would say in the past couple of weeks, it's been like maybe seven or eight. None of them good. Are you a good person or do you? Yeah. Take me out to dinner. No. See, I don't do that. Here's my policy. So if I go out with the guy and like I don't, I can feel I don't like him and there's no vibe, I'll pay. Like I put up money, but sometimes you get a guy who's just like, put that away. Get that. And I'm like, okay, you want to buy that? That's nice. And then you're sitting there. It's like, okay, I like him enough for like a big potato and a salad. You have like a ticking clock in your head, like a taxi cab where it's like enough goodwill and finally you'll accept him paying. Totally not. No, it's just like it's the vibe you get. Like if you can tell that they want to pay and be nice about it, you're like, yeah, you can buy me a drink. That's great. And other, but if I know I'm right off the bat, like I'm never going to see him again, I'll take my money out. And cause I just feel bad, you know? I appreciate that you do that because I do believe that a lot of people use it as like a free meals on meals type of service. Listen, I can cook. I make my own food. I don't need any guy to buy me dinner if I don't like him. Why would I, why would I do that to somebody? I mean, it's just, you know, I think it's like some people have just nothing better to do in their lives, but to just women love to be taken care of. Listen, I would love nothing more than the fine guy who would love to spoil me and take care of me and all that kind of shit. And every woman wants that. And it's nice. He takes you out and does pay for everything. I've had that happen. I was like, wow, paid for all of it. And he just didn't, it was just nice and you felt good and everything. But um, if you make it a career or, or, you know, you, you make it like a cereal thing that you're doing to get free dinners every week, I just think you're a piece of shit, you know? Yeah. It's an awful policy to take. Like that one meal a week should be free from somebody just because I'm a hot chick. Right. Exactly. So, um, you do have some notoriety to your name. Have you ever ran into somebody on one of these? Dating sites that like recognizes you? Yes, it happened. I went, I went and played pool with some kid a couple of weeks ago. And uh, when I, when I laid it on him that I was on the Howard Stern show, he stopped in his tracks and he's like, you're Rachel Butera. I'm like, did you know me before this? He's like, no, I recognize your name from the show. I'm like, okay, that's weird. And then, um, another guy, actually, I was glad I was on the site because he works at Disney and he found me on there and he's like, I swear to God, I'm not, uh, I'm not looking for a date. I have a girlfriend. He goes, but I work at Disney and I know you from Howard and I want to bring you on. I want to bring you in and have you meet some people. So I went into Disney, sat in on a Phineas and Ferb pitch meeting and I got to audition there. So I love Phineas and Ferb. Yeah. I can only imagine what it's like to make a call to your mom and tell her that I'm going over to Disney to be able to get this. When you call my mom, you don't get much of a reaction. She doesn't, she, her, her life is just complete misery. But um, yeah. What was her reaction? Oh yeah. That's good. That's awful. I know. Isn't it horrible? I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I feel so bad for you. But again, material, you know, it's all material. I do my mom on stage in the comedy and people really seem to like it. Uh, you know, family stuff is always fun. Everyone's got that same connection. All right. We're down to our last 45 seconds on the show. So um, give me a 15 second pitch for the event this weekend. For the event this weekend. Okay. It's the Ronnie Munn block party. Ronnie Munn is Howard Stern's limo driver and it's going to be a bunch of comedians up in San Francisco at the Great American Music Hall Saturday night. Two shows. 8 and 1030. I will be performing impersonations. And do you want any place to get tickets beforehand? I think it's sold out, but um, I think it's a clear what's called a clean box entertainment.com. And if you get the double entendre there, clean box entertainment.com. Douche. Um, and where can people learn more about you? Uh, rachelbutera.com or find me on Facebook, Twitter at Rach Butera Voices. All right. So this is Jake Belcher for my host, uh, Brent Thoman. Thanking you for listening. Uh, go to grandtheftaudio.com to learn more.