Interview with Marlena Hunter on overcoming shyness

🎵 Hello, I'm Julianne Good and this is Psych One-on-One. Welcome. We are here to make psychology more understandable with tips for you, your family and your friends to make your lives easier. Tonight, my special in-studio guest is Marlena Hunter, masters and author, and we're going to talk about her new book, 100 Ways to Overcome Shyness. Hello, Marlena. How are you doing? Good. How are you, Judy? I'm doing just great. I it's wonderful to see you again. Marlena and I know each other from Chicago school. That's right. We took a short little trip over to Paris and Vienna a couple of years ago. That was wonderful. Yes, it was. So can you tell the listening audience a little bit about your background? Yes, I have a bachelor's in psychology and from UCR and transferred to do my MA in psychology. I also kind of initiated. I started out as a student in the beginning, did not know if I wanted to work just with children or with adults. But originally I was in a behavioral analysis course, a program. So I was going to work with autistic kids. But I switched to the marriage family therapist program because I wanted to work with a broader range population. And so here I am. Yeah. And how did you come to write a book and you're not shy yourself? Yes, that is very difficult to answer. I'll try my best. So, yes, I have a friend who is author of several books and proposed to me to write a book with him. And I thought that was a very wonderful idea. And Judy agree as well that shyness is very important for people to understand, you know, symptoms or characteristics that they may have and want to adjust that. So they can. I can feel more comfortable in social settings. So I agreed to write the book and yes, it was just released last week or two weeks ago. That's wonderful. Congratulations. And in Barnes and Noble. Correct. That's huge. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have a special promotion table. So if you go into Barnes and Noble, you should see it at the nonfiction center or section. Wonderful self help, correct? Yes. Yes, exactly. Yes. Yes. Well, let's talk a little bit about shyness in general. A lot of people can fit into that category. I had read some research. Nowadays, it seems to be about 40 to 50% of the adult population, at least in the United States. And it doesn't seem to be cultural specific. It seems to be right across the board that shy people exist around the world. That's true. And that's very correct. Because I also searched several articles and read a lot of studies. And it does generally be, you know, it's across the world that people are generally shy, regardless of their gender. But there are some studies that we discussed earlier that were conducted, for example, like in Israel and Japan. And they compare and contrast the percentage of shy people there. And I had seen. There's statistics that Israelis are supposed to be the least shy. And Japanese and Taiwanese people are supposed to be the most shy. So I think that comes in helpful when we're dealing with different cultures in the world today. Because we're in Los Angeles. This is one of the huge melting pots of the world. So we never know where people are coming from. And we have to understand, you know, what behaviors we may perceive as maybe being standoffish. Or stuck up can actually be some shyness. That's true. A lot of shy people do tend to have those kind of characteristics and behavior patterns that people may think are rude. For example, if they have shyness, they may not be comfortable in certain situations. So they may not be very verbal. They may not engage in conversations. So those are some things to consider when you are around someone. And I think that's where we need to be a little bit introverted. And it seems also that people are getting more shy as technology becomes more available. You don't have to sit down and talk to people face to face anymore to communicate with them. You can text them. You can Facebook them. You can be a gamer and, you know, just talk on headphones and, you know, a microphone from your computer. And not even realize what, you know, who you're talking to. I mean, it's amazing. But it's creating more people who are more introverted, wouldn't you say? Yes, I agree. And it's also a way that shy people can try to practice as far as communicating with people. We do encourage people to try that as exercises as far as entering chat rooms or, you know, trying to build up their profile by, you know, doing things online such as Facebook. But I do agree. It can become a problem if you are like at a dinner party and you're on your phone. It can become a problem if you are preferring to text than to talk on the phone. I say call every now and then. And I do agree. It is more convenient to text because we're always in the rush and we're multitasking. But I do say yes, make that extra effort sometimes and pick up the phone. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Well, and the whole thing too with going on Facebook and texting, you miss a lot of the nonverbal communication. You miss a lot of the tonality than if you were talking with a person on the phone or better yet in person. And in person, then you can pick up the nonverbal cues. And, you know, we communicate nonverbally about 70% of the time. We miss a lot if we can't see each other. And then miscommunication happens. And, you know, fights can occur, misunderstandings. There's so much negativity that can happen if we can't see each other. But, I mean, I understand. We're in a busy culture nowadays. And we have to communicate the way we, you know, the way that we must. So. That's true. And that's right. They do say, like you said, between 70% and 80% of communication is body language. For example, head nods and maybe some probing. And I do mention in the book that those are some things that you can practice when you get those awkward silences. Or if you're in a very awkward situation and there's like that silence and you have no idea what to do. I do encourage people to try to engage more by doing head nods and being more empathetic. For example, if somebody mentions something that they're going through, you can say, oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Or, you know, try to be a little more engaging. And those are some things that we do miss when we are, you know, typing or we're like on social media. We do start to lose that, you know, that empathy that we can connect with other people. And also eye contact. People seem to have more difficulty with eye contact nowadays. So that's one of the things that I work with a lot in group therapy with doing the rehab work that I'm doing during the day. It's like, you know, you can be saying one thing like, you know, like today in group therapy was like, well, I'm sorry. But, you know, and the client is kind of shy. He just doesn't have good social skills. And I think your book touches a lot on creating social skills, which is wonderful. I mean, the layout is beautiful. It's just outstanding. But, you know, just, you know, when you say that I'm sorry. Looking at the person and just making face contact, saying I'm sorry. Otherwise, the other person doesn't feel that you're being genuine with them. Yes, that's true. And I definitely agree. I do mention in the book for some people, it is very difficult to make eye contact. And there are studies that says that some cultures, it's different. Some cultures will consider it rude or disrespectful. For example, like the Native American or African American. Right. It can be considered rude if you're like really staring at someone. True. Very true. You don't want to be staring somebody down. Exactly. So, they, they doing, I do encourage you to do some exercises. For example, you can count to 10 in your head when you are making eye contact. And then every 10 seconds or so, just like glance away. But we do recommend at minimum at least a 10 second eye contact. So, that does, that does show the person. That does show the person that you are interested and that you are listening to them and that you are, you're not being that disrespectful. Right. And for some people, that's going to take some time to build up because 10 seconds is like, they're like one, 10,000, two, 10,000, like going, when is this ever going to end? And then the sweat starts happening and, you know, they start shaking and, you know. Oh, yes. And are there any deep breathing exercises in the book? Oh, yes. There are breathing exercises that I recommend for people. And the most popular one is the deep belly breathing or they call it, for people who are doing yoga, I'm sure they know what I'm talking about. But if you're breathing through your chest, it can cause you to have more anxiety. Right. So, you're working more of your chest muscles. So, we do recommend to like take a deep breath in your nose and then slowly out of your mouth. And if you do not, you know, you're not breathing. Right. You don't know if you're breathing through your belly or not. You can just put your hand over your stomach and just like fill in your diagram. So, these are ways to be very relaxed and very, very calm so that you do not start hyperventilating. Exactly. And some people do hyperventilate when they become very nervous and that turns into panic attacks. Exactly. Right. That's what I was going to say, the panic attacks. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's, you know, and that can be misconstrued, the shyness, the panic attacks. It's kind of a yo-yo going back and forth, right? Mm-hmm. And like we were talking earlier that some people may not want to be in groups because they may have panic attacks. And I do work with a patient that has severe panic disorder and she doesn't work and she stays home and she does a lot of video games because it's easier for her to interact with the world this way. It's very bad. And she starts having like heart palpitations and like sweaty palms. And some people may not understand when her friends come to her house, she may get a panic attack and she starts to be very anxious and they ask like, what's going on? And she just, she got to the point where she did explain to her friends like this is what's happening. So, now her friends are very supportive. So, when she's having that panic attack and she may seem a little irritated or agitated, her friends know that it's not them, that she's not upset. They know that she's having a panic attack and they do give her her space. Well, that's good that she's able to communicate with her friends and family about that and saying, this is what's happening. Can you please help me through this? That's, you know, nothing to do with you personally. This is what I'm going through because shyness can be crippling. Yes. You know, and we're seeing that more and it's sad because they're imprisoned by this condition. It's true. Yes. And it feels, and yeah, it's very sad because it's like they're losing out on something. They're kind of missing out in life and, you know, there's a big party going on down the street, but I wouldn't dare go, you know, near it because I'm just so terrified. And some people have a panic attack of having a panic attack, which is the worst. They're so worried on having a panic attack. They have a panic attack. So, and this is what I find very often in my office. People are having this fear of going into a panic attack. So, they do isolate themselves. They do not want to go out even to the grocery store. And when they do go somewhere, they have somebody with them and they're lucky if they can get through a few hours before they start getting nervous and like the shyness starts intervening with it as well. So, what would you start with therapy if somebody came into your office and has this crippling condition? I would start with therapy. I would start with a person who has this crippling shyness and says, I need to change this because I don't have a partner. I don't have my own family. I sit in front of the computer or the TV when I get home. I go to work. I shut off in my cubicle. I'm, you know, I'm shut off from the world and I'm, this is locking me up. So, what's one of the first steps that you would recommend with working with a person who has an extreme amount of anxiety? I would start with therapy. I would start with therapy. I would start with a person who has an extreme amount of shyness. Yes, I would definitely start out very slow. Baby steps are very good. I do work with someone who has autism and also a lot of the symptoms or characteristics are similar to those who are shy. Like they are not comfortable with change, especially like big changes. They're not comfortable around people and they don't date. And so, this person is wanting to engage more in a social setting, but instead he tells me he sits home and he just sits there. So, I'm encouraging him to look for work. He's going on some interviews. So, now he's on unemployment. But it's kind of scary for him. He really fears that engagement with the social world. So, I tell him, OK, maybe you can do some volunteer work. I tell them, okay, maybe you can do some volunteer work, something very, very, you know, simple. So you don't have a big, um, if you start having a lot of expectations from people and you have like all this pressure that can really make it worse. So this is why I say volunteer because you have control of that. You can work one hour, you can work five hours. So this is some way you can help build your confidence and self-esteem and, and work with people. Or maybe you like volunteer at an animal shelter because it seems like a lot of shy people really engage with animals because there's that unconditional love there. They just want to be petted and held and paid attention to with, without the expectations. So maybe that's a good place to start. Yes. Animals are very loving and they're always happy to see you. So I do encourage people to get even a goldfish, something that you can care for. You, you have a lot of people that are very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, now like a chore or you have something to do every day you can feed it you can clean it you can put little rocks decorated and it's not that expensive it's it's not like you know a dog and a cat may be a little more demanding as far as you know keeping keeping up with their appointments but I do also in the book the author who I wrote the book with he does mention dogs as a way to help people overcome shyness and in my other interview I did mention that it it really helps you to engage with people if you go to a dog park there's always several people there and they go sometimes at the same same time so you can always like start beating up and hey you have like new friends yeah and it's therapeutic I was just at a dog park on Saturday one of my neighbors invited me I thought okay well that might be kind of fun I was I was a little burnt out from the week honestly okay I thought okay and it was it was a little bit of a challenge but I was it was fun just watching the dogs chasing each other and and I and I had time to talk to my friend and it was a beautiful day out so yeah I mean just like you said baby steps find something that will engage you in the outside world that's true I think that's a key component yes yeah and dogs are very loving and they always seem happy they have a lot of energy they definitely can help you get some exercise so you get two benefits definitely yeah yep and we all need more exercise that's gonna get the endorphins going right it's gonna make all of us feel better go out and chase a dog exactly exactly so don't go away we will be right back with more psych one-on-one the Chicago School of Professional Psychology offers numerous psychology behavioral and health related science graduate degrees at three campuses Los Angeles, California, including branches in Westwood and Irvine, Chicago, Illinois, and Washington DC and online the Chicago School prepares students to meet the ever-changing mental health needs of society through classroom experience and real-world training the Chicago School Counseling Centers in Irvine and Westwood provide caring confidential and affordable psychological services to individuals and their families for more information visit the Chicago school and thank you to Chicago School of Professional Psychology for sponsoring psych one-on-one I'm Julianne Good and I am in studio with Marlena Hunter author of 100 ways to overcome shyness and we were talking about just ways to get out get out of your shell if you feel isolated and you are suffering from elements of shyness I you know the Chicago School of Professional Psychology and their practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice and practice out of my shell when I did music. I got into doing choir. I did a solo and with a whole choir in back of me and that broke me right out of that shell. And that was always been one of my ways of getting out of my shyness because I can isolate sometimes too. I think we're all, that's part of being a human. You have to kind of go inside for a little bit and maybe heal up or take a break, take a rest. And it's all right. Just as long as you're not ruminating over certain things about why am I doing this? Why am I not doing that? When you start going into social situations and you have that internal voice going off consistently, that's when it can cause some real problems. And it's, it's, you know, the suffering that can happen because of it is, is just sad. Yes. And I hope it's more clear now. So I agree. I do think that every now and then we do have something that we may experience in life that may cause us to kind of clam and, and not engage. And it can be misread as something else, or it can be misread as shyness. And I think, yes, we do need to kind of get ourself rebooted and, you know, kind of like start fresh. And those are some things we can try as far as engaging in activities. And I did mention that I tried myself even engaging in activities and I can say, yes, sometimes, yes, maybe I do have shyness. And I, I, I joined the class. It was a Tango course. It was, it was a very intense course. It was like three months, very intense, but it was very good. You got to show that they had like, you know, food there and you get to talk to people and they're, you know, having music. So it was a very good thing, like four or five days out of the week. So I do say join like, like Julie, she joined the choir, kind of like put yourself out there. You have to sometimes force yourself, no matter how scary you are, no matter how terrified you may be, you will be okay. You will get through it. Well, there's such a thing as in vivo exposure also of, you know, working with somebody, working with a therapist, working with a friend, families, whoever's, you know, willing to, to have the patience with you to do this, but, you know, just starting to plan things out, you know, what are you gonna do? You know, think in your mind, this is what I'm gonna start with first. I'm gonna just maybe walk a few steps, out of my house or apartment or whatever, and then come back in. Let's just practice this just, you know, a little bit at a time and eventually, you know, you're out. You know, one of the things I was reading too, is celebrities that are shy, like David Letterman, I was amazed that when he had a show on for how many years, 20 plus years, right? That he would have to plan out every segment of that show. And I thought, man, that's a big deal. And I thought, man, that's a big deal. And I thought, man, that's a big deal. And I thought, man, that's a big deal. And I thought, man, that's a big deal. And he happened to be in that show, because he was really shy and I guess he had just a small group of friends and you know, so you have that and Barbara Walters and Johnny Carson and all these people that we think, oh, well, they don't have any problems with being shy. I mean, they're like total extroverts, but you get them in certain situations. Yes, that's the alter ego. The alter ego, exactly. Yeah. And you were talking about Beyonce had that too. Yes, she has a name for it. for it that the person that goes on stage and does his performance and that's what sometimes these celebrities have to do it's kind of like a mind switch and they become a total different person right and um philip zimbardo had had stated it as a shy extrovert and i thought that was the perfect classification for that because i know quite a few shy extroverts they are when they are in their element they rock you pull them out of it you put them into uh you know cocktail party afterwards or something and they're stumbling around all over the place you know it's it's it's it's kind of sweet to see almost you know but everybody has to kind of have that understanding of this is what's happening otherwise you know people get mislabeled that's true and i like how you mentioned the celebrities we do have a list of um celebrities who are introverts in our book. And so we do get that little assumption that, oh, they have no problem at all. And you have no idea that they are just human as us. We do all have the same challenges. Exactly. Well, you know, when I started this show almost two and a half years ago, you know, and I had a laugh. They had talk show hosts on there. And I started this show just as an experiment. Oh, yeah. Ten shows. OK, let's see what happens. And I've got, you know, around 100 shows now. So I guess I remember like two or three years ago. You still have the show. Oh, my God. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So I broke out of that social shyness because I really love doing this. I love getting the information out there that really might help people. And I never know where it's going to go. It's the whole altruism that I'm going to have to deal with. And I'm going to have to deal with it. And I'm going to have to deal with the altruistic aspect of it. And you had mentioned something in the book, too, about going out and, you know, doing altruistic acts. Yes, I do. I do say yes. Try some things. Kindness. I love talking about acts of kindness. And there are many studies out there. And that's actually my dissertation topic, that when you do perform acts of kindness, you do have an increase of happiness. And that also increases your self-esteem, your self-confidence. It does broaden your your mind to, you know, step things and you become more social. So as you say, altruism, do something for someone or just anyone and not expect anything back. And you'll be amazed how much you get out of it. Yeah. And it's good for both parties. Yes, it really is. It's beautiful. So let's let's talk a little bit about one of your the sub sections in your book, accepting rejection. I thought that was just, you know, that just jumped, you know, out. And I like again, I love the layout of this book because it's if you only have like a minute or two in your day, you can read it before you start your day. And it gives you something to think about, work on during the day, possibly, because a lot of these subsections have exercises in it. So you can you can start applying these new skills that you're reading about and see see what happens, see how your life changes. Yes. Every day you can, you can do that. And I think that's a really good way to start your day. And I think that's a really good way to start your day. And I think that's a really good way to start your day. And I think that's self affirmations. And we do encourage you to practice the exercises, for example, saying positive things to yourself, you can say it while you're, you know, writing to work, or when you're in the restroom, when you're grooming yourself, you have to constantly try to say positive things to yourself to kind of rule out any negativity that may be going on with you. And the first chapter is on accepting rejection, which is very important. And I think that's a really good way to start your day. And I think that's a really huge and and the way we do accept rejection has a lot to do on how we were raised or you know environment that we for example looking for a job I I did work with a patient who also was on Asperger's spectrum who was very extremely shy I mean very very very shy did not want to even go for a coffee and that was just a little exercise like you said baby steps this go for 10 minutes and then try to increase the length of time every time you go or maybe just go for a walk around you know one of those outdoor malls so accepting rejection has a lot to do on the fact if you can move on from it or not and you do build what we call ego resilience which is very important if you can build your your ego then you're more likely to survive basically in this like world of socialism yeah well in the self-esteem is so important too because people who are shy have a tendency to have low self-esteem linked up with it and and I was reading a little bit too about uh it is shyness nature or nurture uh it can be both that's why I said the environment right and also it can be as far as I'm going to say genetic speaking but probably in the culture setting that you were raised and if you are able to accept rejection then you're more likely to prosper in life you're more likely to continue to look for work for example the one that I was speaking about earlier who had extreme shyness who also was on Asperger's spectrum she walked out of an interview basically and crying because just being questioned really made her feel like she was a little bit more nervous and uncomfortable and she did not have the confidence to she didn't feel confident and now she did not feel even worthy of the position so these are some things you have to learn to pump yourself up and be confident regardless if you don't have your cheerleader you have to be your own cheerleader exactly that's really important be your own cheerleader and learn how to reparent yourself Learn a lot of these skills that we do have to learn as adults that we didn't learn when your children because our parents didn't know. I mean, you know, especially us as adults right now, a lot of our parents did not have those books of, you know, this is how you do decent parenting. Now there's thousands of books out there on how to do decent parenting, you know, which is great. You know, our parents didn't have that. They just went with whatever their parents did, whether it was right or wrong. It was just like, well, this is instincts and this is what my parents did. So I'm going to turn around to do the same thing unless they questioned what their parents did. So we do have to learn those skills. We do, all of us have to learn how to deal with rejection. That's part of life, especially job hunting. So maybe in a case like that, role playing would come in really handy. Oh, you know, I say even record yourself. And a lot of people do not like the sound of their voice. And I was reading some study about that. It's because we hear our voice differently than somebody who... You know, a different person. Right. And it has to do with, you know, the ear structure. So it's probably sounding a little lower than what someone else would hear. But I say record yourself, like write down a script, a conversation script. And so you can get a little more comfortable with talking about certain things. Just read up on the news, be up to date with what's going on. So we call them light conversation starters, and that's in the chapter. Yeah. And it encourages... Yeah. And it encourages you to have a few things that you can just talk about and be comfortable with it. Like the weather. That's usually... And nowadays it's like, okay, it's really humid out. And that seems to be one of the things that people, everybody's talking about right now is how hot it is. This has been one of the hottest summers on record. So probably that might be a good conversation starter because it's safe zone. That's true. And it has been like almost tropical actually. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was talking to someone a few weeks ago and like how much I love this weather. It's very different. I do not even feel like I'm in California. So it's great. It's like I'm on a vacation. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'm the only one enjoying it. I know. But it's not as bad as Wisconsin, believe me, when, you know, heat, humidity and mosquitoes. So I'm happy for that. Oh, no, no mosquitoes. No mosquitoes. So another one is... 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Or you can use something like, you know, a light conversation starter. Or you can excuse yourself. Now, this is the easy way out. I can say, excuse yourself. Say, hey, I have to go check on something. Or, you know, if you're at work, I have to get back to something. Or also, too, if you're going to do that, if there's that awkward silence, checking your body language. Oh, yeah. Do you want to open up to this person next to you? Or are you feeling kind of, this might not work. This might not be worthy of my time and effort. And just kind of turn it around and, you know. So, again, it's doing the practicing at home. It's getting, it's doing this in a comfortable, safe place with safe people that aren't going to laugh or make fun of us or anything like that. But it's, you know, it's taking. It's taking those steps to becoming a fully functioning human being, which we all deserve. That's true. And so in one of the chapters, I suggest to join a group, like a very supportive social group. And they do have groups for people who are shy. You can find a meetup group for shy people. Meetup is great. Yes. And they're very welcoming. They're nonjudgmental. And that can be your second family. Yeah. There's so many self-help groups. Nowadays, I always recommend people to do their own research. You know, Google in, you know, groups for shy people or, you know. Yes. And also I talk about body language. Body language is very important. And I talk about having like an open, accepting body language. For example, not having your arms crossed or your legs crossed. It kind of shows that, okay, I'm receiving, you know, receiving you as a person. I'm not like standoffish. So those can be mixed signals. If you are not looking engaged, you can like have slumped shoulders and just have your arms crossed. So we do talk about that. Doing exercises, stretching exercises to help you with your posture because your posture is very important. It does show a lot. People can look at you and say, wow, this is a very confident person and they're not shy. Or they can see you kind of slumped over and your head down. And they will be like, oh, my God. Less likely to want to hang around or, you know, approach you. Exactly. So those are some things to kind of remind yourself. Keep little mental notes like every few minutes. Just kind of check in with yourself. Like, you know, what am I doing? Am I, you know, being, am I sitting appropriately? Am I engaging with the proper eye contact? So you can just have a little checklist in your head. Or sometimes even write it down and stick it in your wallet. Because sometimes we need those reminders. We can get so anxious that our brains freeze up. It's like, oh, what was I supposed to do? Oh, I wasn't supposed to do that. And then you get into that rumination cycle and you're tripping yourself up all over the place. Oh, yes. And those are those, what we will call like those unwanted thoughts. Oh, totally. Which is very big in cognitive therapy. And those negative thoughts can be very dangerous. They can just, you know, eat you up. Yes. And that's when you have to practice by, you know, intervening in those negative thoughts and start using more positive thoughts and saying positive things about yourself. Exactly. Or at least getting into a neutral zone. Yes. And while you're building up your self-esteem and building up the skill set to go out. And really do what you want to do. Bill, you know, live your dreams. There's a lot of people that have so many dreams and they start making excuses and they say, I can't get out of this. And that's one of the biggest things I work with with people is the I can't statements and turning those around. It's like, well, let's turn around and say I can. And you're right. It goes back to CBT techniques and stuff that we can all do. Yeah. And I'm sure you have quite a few exercises in the book, 100 Ways to Overcome Shyness, that you can go through. That's true. It's definitely like that. Like write, like make a list and write down the things that you do when you're shy. Things that you. Do not like. If there's like something that you want to change, for example, if you start to hunt your bag or you stop making eye contact, or if you just kind of seclude yourself and then start writing down the things you want to do instead and just work on those a little bit at a time. Yeah. And learn to be gentle with yourself and learn to love yourself. That's huge. Yes. And I do encourage those who, like you said, do something nice for yourself. Yeah. And learn to be gentle with yourself. Buy your, you know, you don't have to go on a shopping spree. Why not? Okay. Yes, you can. Just don't overspend. Yeah. You can find so many trendy shops out there that, you know, if you go to a local outlet center or a mall and it can just be as simple as a watch or a new shirt that can definitely boost your self-esteem, your confidence. And you're feeling like, wow, I'm, you know, I'm a little hip with the, you know, trend. You know, I'm not kind of wearing stuff that was a few years ago. And even if so, just mix and match it up. It's fine. It's good. It's healthy. We will be back in a few minutes with Psych One-on-One with Julianne Good and Marlena Hunter. Are you searching for answers and insight to life issues? Is the behavior of family or friends questionable or concerning? Find tips and possible solutions from the convenience of your own PC, cell phone, or tablet at therapycable.com. Therapy Cable has the most comprehensive library of contemporary therapy videos online. Help may be as easy as a few clicks away. Therapy Cable offers comprehensive therapy videos ranging from addiction to self-care and contact information for qualified providers. Find the answers to your life challenges at therapycable.com. Therapy Cable. Therapy Cable. Therapy Cable. Therapy Cable. Therapy Cable. Therapy Cable. Therapy Cable. and this is julianne good and welcome back to psych one-on-one we are talking to marlena hunter co-author of 100 ways to overcome shyness and it's been a very eye-opening segment this evening so thank you for being here it's it's something i think that we don't talk about as a society very often you know we just kind of accept it as what it is and and not really do anything until we get to that wall yes it's true thank you so much julianne and for reminding me how i say your name properly it's been a while since we've seen each other yeah yeah and i get a little nervous just blame it on the shyness okay that's okay no problem so um what other outstanding parts of the book would you like to talk about because there's again this is really broken down well you can read these these a lot of these segments in one or two minutes i like reading material like this before i start my day because it's inspiring it makes it makes me think outside of my box and you know i mean there's still things that i do that stem of being shy or not being sure of myself you know in the insecurities that can come up on a daily basis that can challenge all of us that's true and i agree there are ways that you can learn to stand up for yourself so that's one chapter learning to stand up and face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact that you're not ready to face the fact Learning to stand up for yourself, learning to say no, especially because a lot of people are shy or afraid to say no. It's very hard to say no. So there are ways to say no, such as, you know, not right now or just finding ways to self-advocate for yourself. So you do not get taken advantage of in certain situations, for example, not being able to turn down other projects that are not your job. And those are some ways to learn how to self-advocate for yourself by studying that for yourself and trying to put it in an appropriate way. Like, hey, this is, you know, for someone else to do. Right. And that is important for all of us because how many times can we give in to something that we either don't have time for, we really don't want to do, or it is more for the benefit of the other person. It's not, you know, a conjoined situation where it's going to benefit both parties. I mean, of course, we have to do other things that for other people that we're not going to always agree with. But if we do that on a consistent basis, though, we get the reputation as, you know, people can roll over us and take advantage of us. And then there comes another complexity of problems. Yes, this is true. And especially if you're... And, you know, a big corporation, it may be very difficult and you may have lots of meetings. So we do encourage you to be more involved. Don't sit in the back, sit in the front and try to speak more. If you do not speak that often, people may perceive that you're being rude. So, yeah. So, hey, we got a little music in between. So, yes, we do encourage you to... Maybe take some water with you if you are in, you know, a situation where you have to engage with a lot of people. You may need to, you know, have something with you, maybe like gum. Just something to kind of make you feel, you know, kind of get rid of that anxiety. Well, it's true. The whole thing, too, with being anxious is it dries out your throat quicker. Yes. And then when you do feel like talking, you're like choked up. And you don't know what to do. And plus, you know, doing daily water is a good habit anyway. So it's healthy for you, too. So that's a good tip right there. Yes. And one thing I want to mention is the self-fulfilling prophecies. We talk about that in the chapters. And those are some things we use to kind of beat ourselves down. If something doesn't go right or if we are coming across a new opportunity, we may knock ourselves down before we even get the chance. And just learning. You know, you're thinking patterns like, oh, this is not going to work for me or I'm never going to be good at this. Like these kind of things can lead you to situations where you are following that same pattern because you're putting out so much negative energy or activity out there. You're not allowing yourself to do things to the fullest to get that opportunity. Right. And one of my favorite Buddhist sayings is what you do will come back to you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you're at home by yourself or your pet, you can even talk to your pet. pet they're they're good listeners right yes i say it's it's okay to talk to yourself as long as you do not answer back the number one psychology rule we all know that right but just talk to yourself out loud sometimes or talk to your pet and and say start challenging that negative self-talk the i will never are always or yes that black and white thinking the black and white wording yes that gets people into trouble because then then their their mind is set like this is the way things will always be or i will never have this or i can't do that or so start challenging those kind of statements listen to yourself as you're speaking those words words have power yes and then look at situations that are probing you like look for triggers i say something may trigger you to have a negative thought and those thoughts can just manifest and they can go on for the entire day i have patients that say one little thing can trigger them and they will have a panic attack for days so just learn your triggers know what's going to upset you know what's going to make you shy or withdrawn or what's going to make you have some kind of negative thoughts um i had something for example i had a really great day yesterday and then like um well it was in between the middle of my day and i i had this parking spot it was so crowded at the beach and i was in such a good mood and this guy just came out the blue like oh i'm waiting for this parking spot and i'm looking at him like no well my car is here you're on the other side of the street so and other things like that can upset your day because he was like really looking like he wanted to get out the car he was very angry so something like that you have to learn how to you know readjust your attitude for the day because that little incident you can take that and it can just you know flip your whole day upside down because it started to make me anxious like wow what is he gonna do is he's gonna like you know come out and like verbally attack me i don't know so just learn little triggers that can stir up anxiety or that can cause you to maybe you know not be a reckless for example if you have certain situations like we say like accepting rejection you have certain situations that were traumatizing for you you may not want to try to experience that again so just because you had a bad experience it doesn't mean it will always be that way right and just like the self-fulfilling prophecies you have to learn i like how you said meditate and we do mention that listening to music or instrumental type of music where there are no words involved and that can get you in that you know little meditation you know that's what i'm trying to do so that's what i'm trying to do so that's what i'm trying to do so that's what i'm trying to do so that's what i'm trying to do so that's what i'm trying to do so that's what i'm trying to do Yeah, this isn't going to, as you stated before, Marlena, this isn't going to kill me. I can work through this. I can get some hope going in here again and trust that I'm going to get out of this cycle. I don't need to be a prisoner of these symptoms anymore. Yes, I think journaling is very validating. You definitely can get a lot off your chest by writing out things, especially if you just have a situation that occurred and you have no solution. You don't know what to do. You can just write it out and that can definitely make you feel better. It's kind of like a big relief and maybe in a way to write pros and cons and try to analyze the situation as well. Exactly, exactly. And as we are finishing up, can you let the listening audience know where they can pick up a copy of 100 Ways to Overcome Shyness? Yes. Right, you can go to Barnes & Noble. I was there a few weeks ago. It's in Santa Monica and it should be nationwide so far. I think they're also selling it online in different countries. I did see one in Japanese and Dutch and German. Oh, beautiful. So they're promoting it very well. You can get it on Kindle, at Amazon, any major bookstores. And definitely if you can make it. I have a book signing coming up on September 7th. And it will be at the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica from 12 to 4. Oh, and that's such a fun place to go. Yes, yes. Yeah, and that will be a holiday weekend. Yes. Yeah, pick up a copy and yeah, go out and live your life right to the fullest. Yes, it will be a very nice warm day and lots of things to do out there. And I will have some little promotional gifts and treats for those who stop by. A little swag bag. Yes, at least come for that. I'll bribe you with candies. Don't you. And just come and talk to Marlena. She's a lovely lady and you know, just come out and have fun. And if people would like to contact you, how can they do so? My website is MarlenaHunter.com. And on my website you will find my phone number, my email address. I also write. Okay. I journal articles. I have several articles there on stress release techniques and you'll find stuff about the private practices that I'm working in. I work in one in Manhattan Beach and also in Anaheim and I do ADHD testing. I do treatment for depression. So yeah, that's a good way to keep updated with what's going on with me. Wow. Busy woman. Yeah, I wish I can do more. Yeah, well, we all have limited time. Yeah, if only I could clone myself. I would love that. I know. Wouldn't that be nice? But not quite possible. One tip before you go. What you recommend to getting out of being shy? I would recommend those to try something new. Try something you've never done before. It can be an activity. It can be a sport, a social event, travel, do something and also try something new every single day. Have like a, I would say, a! I would say, a! A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A out and see Marlena in Santa Monica. Yes. Right. Yeah. She'd love to say hi to you. So, and thank you so much for listening to Psych One-on-One. If you would like to contact me, my email address is jgoode8 at verizon.net. My office number is 562-234-4650. My practice is down in Irvine, California. I would love to hear from you. I also have a Facebook page on as Psych One-on-One, P-S-Y-C-H, the number one, O-N, number one. So contact me. I'd love to hear from you. And thank you so much for being here with us. And I hope you really got a lot of good information this evening. I would like to thank my new board operator, William Ibarra, and our executive producer, Jeremy Hansen. So take care of yourself. Take care of each other. Bye now. Bye now.