Shock-collar trivia, Mae Victoria tire-slashing drama

Drinking beer in the hot sun I fought the law and I won I fought the law and I won I'm in a sex drama, come on I fought the law and I won I fought the law and I won A lot of new shit, he got the last brand Of how his culture's run Think he's got the best brand I ever had Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the I'm Burger podcast Tonight we got a great show We're missing a couple people We're missing Preston, Megan, and April Yeah Where's April? Well, April is dealing with some weed situations Oh no Yeah, it's a cannabis situation And then Megan and Preston Is she gonna get through it? I think she's gonna find a way to hump her way through Or something, but she will get it done I believe in her Shut the fuck up, Michael No, I love you, I mean that No, shut the fuck up, Mark I know And then Preston and April And Preston and And then Preston and Megan Yeah Are in Vegas Yeah Doing some sick shit If you've seen the picture I saw the picture Made me a little jealous Because I still hung over from my trip Right, and you hung out with Korean guys I hung out with 10 Korean dudes And I'm looking at their pictures And I'm picturing like Megan and Preston In weird fucking orgies Yeah I wanna hear what it's like Hanging out with all those Korean dudes They had money That's all that mattered to me Yeah A lot of money That's what you want in a Korean dude I was still broke I'm glad they still walked out broke Did you get laid? Did they pay for some pussy? We shot down $2,500 for two hookers To fuck each other Wait, wait Two hookers or strippers? I mean, I know, I know I'm pretty sure they're the same thing out there What I'm saying is Was it in a strip club? No, it was actually in the hotel room Oh, I like that Yeah Okay, I'm your friend And you've come to visit me in strip clubs Why the hell didn't you sleep with one of them? You could've seen that in LA Or at least fuck one of the Koreans One was named Ass And the other one was Dice Wait, wait, wait, wait So Now first, let me do this I wanna see you in a strip club I wanna welcome our guests Well, let me first say we got Ryan Talmo here Yes I wanna welcome our guests We got Billy Batts Right here Michael James Benson Hello The Champion Returns Yes Shock collar trivia An amazing champ I'm gonna get so screwed by this trivia You don't know yet It's gonna be shocking Oh, yeah, it is I already felt it We got a great show Now, we were hoping May Victoria was gonna come in To discuss the whole Billy Batts She was down What's the guy's name? Tell me the guy's name Will Spring Will Spring Will Spring Will, if you're out there listening by any chance Call in, please I'm on your team, Will We're gonna get this straightened out So there was this whole thing Between Billy Batts and May Victoria We offer both of them, obviously A venue to, you know Exorbitances Yeah, yeah Put it out there, you know And so, unfortunately May was unable to make it She's welcome to call in Guys, the call in number is 800-893-9562 And, yeah, give us a call in Now, I'm gonna tell you guys I'm gonna tell you guys I'm gonna have everyone Go ahead and plug what you're doing Right at the beginning of the show Because I like to get that out of the way And I want people to hear Where you're gonna be So let's start with our champion Michael James Benson Well, I am going to be doing Nine days of shows in Chicago If you want to find out the specifics I don't know all of the specifics But if you wanna find out all the specifics Just hit me up on Twitter Through MJBComedy At MJBComedy And, um, I'm gonna be doing a lot of shows And, um, I'm gonna be doing a lot of shows Every fourth Tuesday I produce a wonderful show In Echo Park Called Cupcake Vagina Heck yeah Great show Cupcake Vagina Is it not? Is it Cupcake Vagina Or Cupcake Vagina Monologues? Well, we're trying to get more monologues in there Yeah Thank you You know how to speak What do we got there? What do we got there, Ryan? I don't know I don't think it's weed Is it weed or Oh, we're looking at the box first I'm gonna say so much right now Sorry, I'm gonna say so much right now Go on But that's it I can't believe you're still plugging No, that's it No, no, go on, please Billy Bass Guys, what are you doing? What do you got going on, Billy? This weekend I'll be in La Jolla At the Comedy Store And Monday I'll be in Van Nuys, California At the Springbok Which I believe you've played already If not, I'm gonna get you out there, Berger I'm coming out in June, I think Yes, yes Which is a great stage And I'll be sharing a stage there With Betsy Salkind and Mike Muratory Heck yeah Heck yeah Mike Okay, and Okay, great Well, we got a great show Great show I wanna really get into One big thing Starting off news-wise Something that really bothers me I'm a very anti-war person I think most of the wars we're fighting nowadays Are bullshit I think we're involved in Too many of other people's problems, etc, etc Regardless Our soldiers are heroes I don't care what anyone says If you got a problem with our soldiers Go suck a dick If you got a problem with our politicians And the laws And the wars we're fighting That's totally understandable But if you got a problem with the people That are putting their life on the line For us Go suck a dick And this is the thing We have a sergeant Gosh, I'm an idiot Because I have the name While you're looking that up I just wanna remind people that While you're so, like, anti-war And anti-government and stuff Remember, these guys are going overseas So you can suck that dick And women Yeah, and women And that's the thing Just remember that Anyway, it's sergeant Tam Tamaressi Yes And now Now we have a caller online Caller, what's your name? Hello, caller Hello Hello Do we have a caller online? Hello, caller Hello Shalom Hello, hello Oh, hey, guys Sorry I was just listening to what you were talking about No worries Who are we talking to? Uh, this is Sandy Guerrero Sandy Guerrero Sandy Oh, great comic Wonderful girl From San Diego Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous I'm not even bummed You got rid of your braces But goddammit Those were sexy I don't know Yeah, those were great I don't I'm sorry I'm a perv But the braces on a girl Yeah, she's How old are you, Sandy? Dude, I saw I saw your post on Facebook I was like I've been wanting to call in But, you know I don't know how this works Oh, yeah I called I called the number And they're like You want to get to the studio? Press one I'm like, okay I press one And all of a sudden I hear all these people talking I'm like, okay I guess I'm just gonna Listen to the show Yeah, they just pop you in They don't deal with Modern technology I didn't know I was like part of it Yeah, they just pop you right in Man, I love it I hit the road You're doing fine already I mean, no You know what's funny? Let me ask you a question Because I believe The guy was stationed Down in San Diego Now, are you aware Of the sergeant Teror Marcy? Yeah, whatever Teror Marcy I don't know how you say His name Terrorist No, no No Wow Are you aware of the sergeant Who is in jail in Mexico Right now Based on gun charges Because He couldn't actually Just turn around And he got caught up In the border I have no idea Wow I don't watch the news Okay, fuck that Your braces are so sexy And you know what? And you know what? Fuck that You're still sexy Without your braces Yeah Thanks My braces are off already But I am And you're still sexy I'm gonna get Retainers When I get back to I'm actually in Utah right now Utah Oh, nice My sister moved Oh, hell yeah Yeah, so When I get When I get back I have to get My retainers I have to wear them For six months And then And then I have to Take them off When I'm eating That's it And then put them back on More metal in the teeth I know And then after that I have to sleep with them For the rest of my fucking life The rest of your life Nice I wish I was a fucking retainer They didn't They didn't tell me this They didn't tell me this You know In the beginning If I knew I was gonna sleep With the metal For the rest of my life Like seriously I'm not gonna sleep With a cock in my mouth For the rest of my life Right Well that's what They told my wife When we got married Yeah And so it's Yeah And it turned out That was a lie I've tasted the metal cock Of course you have Ben's in your Pig But no So let me Let me Why am I not surprised Sandy Sandy Let me hip you to this guy Because it's important This guy was They were in Mexico Hanging out He walked across Back across in America To get his car He took a wrong turn Ended up going Toward the border There's no U-turn there So he He gets caught up And he tells them Look I'm a marine I have some guns I'm just flipping a U-ey And they're like Okay well pull him over They arrest him He's been in jail For two months Down in Mexico Here's the thing Oh Yeah Here's the thing Is he an idiot Yeah Did he make a stupid move Yeah But here's the thing Obama One of our soldiers Is in a foreign country Being held Ridiculously On a ridiculous charge For two months Mm-hmm If this was his kid If this was Obama's kid If this was a rich kid If this was someone who mattered He'd already have been out But because it's just a marine Yeah totally I totally agree with that I mean that's the way it is I mean if you're way up here Yeah we're gonna go get you But if you're way down here And you're nobody You're like Well I don't know you You're not part of my family Then fuck you Yeah and so Yeah and so I'm gonna say this Somebody had said that Bush doesn't give a shit About black people I'm gonna say Obama Doesn't give a shit About our soldiers Obama doesn't give a shit Obama could care less If one of our soldiers Rots in a Mexican prison Yeah Obama is busy Like traveling the world And stuff And hanging out with hookers I believe I don't know The last time I watched the news There was some reports Of him and His security guards And some escorts I have no idea When did Obama Turn into a hip hop artist? Yeah right Right When did he start Rolling with a posse I mean but the whole thing Is ridiculous Like this is my whole thing Did you guys Do you guys Oh what's your whole thing No you tell me You're way cuter than I am Go go Well And you're funny So I like that Huh? I said and you're very funny I said and you're very funny You're a very funny comic Yeah I enjoy I enjoy your comedy Oh my god dude I dude I can't even watch my stuff I get people I get people From my From like Growing up They're like Oh you're a comedian Where can I watch your stuff I go no I'm not gonna put it out there Oh no Can you send me a little video No I'm not gonna put it out there No I'm not gonna send you a clip If you wanna see me Go to the fucking show Oh my god There you go That's true I don't I don't want I don't want my shit out there Unless like someone comes And say hey You're really fucking good I'm gonna film you And I'm gonna do this And I'm gonna do that I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this You remember You remember Benson Didn't he bring you down You don't have to remember me Yeah I think I brought Benson down You met him But yeah he's a sicko And he's got He's got money So there's a motherfucker Who can film shit And I gotta kill him I don't I don't I don't I don't I can't even watch my shit Like it just freaks me out I'm like I don't even know Who that girl is Seriously I can I can I watch your shit all the time Yeah I gotta be honest Yeah There's a You know what It's funny There's a few like Non-black women That turn me on But you're one of them But because you're funny too And that's a big thing Hey listen Sandy I so appreciate you calling in You absolutely rule Where are you gonna be next I'm gonna be in I'll be at The Salty Frog And I'll be June 4th At 9.30 I'm gonna be hosting The first female Comedy show So I'm pretty Nice Hell yeah Hell yeah Benji Garcia Is that Benji Garcia Or Yeah So if you go to UpComedyShow.com Oh yeah UpComedy Entertainment All the information's on there Yeah Beautiful Sandy thank you so much For calling in Didn't hear from you Sandy Hope to see you soon Okay I'll talk to you real soon Yeah Okay The sicko wants to film you Salty Frog That's a great room Yeah yeah So caller We have a caller in line What's your name Caller Caller Caller Hello Good God I don't have a second I smoke a lot of pot man A second seems like A long fucking time It does Hola Okay are you there caller Hello Yes Yes caller what's your name Joe Yarel The what Joe Yarel Oh it's Joe Oh okay okay Joe Are you calling from underwater Yeah No no it's Joe Yarel He's a OC comic Okay Joe how you doing brother Is he calling from underwater No he's not That's he I'm feeling good I don't have a very good Phone voice You sound like a phone sex operator Well wait No I know Yeah what's up with Joel You know something about him Joe Joel's Joe how to explain to you He's Well he's in a wheelchair First of all He's Just fucking say it I don't know He doesn't care You mean he's He has trouble speaking That's all he does There you go Okay Joel thank you Joel thank you That's all we need to know I don't know if it's a phone connection Or not No it's not He's there He's not underwater Joel if you know me You know I don't give a fuck I love everybody the same And hate everybody else the same And I'll tell you this Thank you for calling Let me ask you Are you aware of the whole Situation with Andrew Sergeant Andrew In prison in Mexico No Okay great Great You're a lot of fucking help here Joel I like how you chose a topic No one knows about you This is the problem With the fucking country Right here is the problem I'm gonna tell you guys right now Listen to me The problem with this country Is nobody knows That we have a marine In Mexico In prison Well it's Mexico So it's It doesn't matter He's not on Revolution Street Getting hookers fucking Benson Okay One of the guys Who defends our country Yes So you could go Hopping around With one fucking arm Telling comedy jokes Okay And shitting on cancer People like you Do Yeah You could do that Because Sergeant Andrew Fucking goes Risks his life for us And I want this motherfucker Back in America And I want him back today And I'm saying This is on Obama This is on Obama For hating our soldiers For hating our soldiers And hating America And hating what What did they stand for And not bringing this guy back Joel sorry I got all crazy It's sad that more people Let me ask you a question What kind of wheelchair In Mexico No I'm What's What's! What he said about Having a hammer And all that crap You realize It's not military power That's the basis of our power In the world It's something called Neo-liberal Free trade economics NAFTA NAFTA And CAFTA And I'm just saying You know There's more to it Than what you're saying Right Right No no totally I'd have to agree if I knew But here's the thing Yeah no no totally I mean that's the thing Is a lot of If you're talking about NAFTA You're talking about the The treaties The international trade treaties And everything like that Yeah Small world up This is fucking Oh completely Completely Yeah no no completely Economically NAFTA Has fucked up the entire world And Yeah yeah you're being filmed sweetie Yeah what's your name Michelle Hey man Hey man Hey man Hey man Hey man Hey man Michelle Hey Michelle how you doing Nice to meet you You're gonna probably be shocking them Do you wanna do that Do you wanna shock them Yeah it's okay That'd be fun right If you want to That's dirty Hey Joel listen man I totally I gotta tell you I totally agree with you NAFTA has been fucking up The entire economic world All this bullshit treaties All this stuff You know what it is How about having 90% of the trade In every country Be their own country's trade And then bring in 10 Maybe 20% Imported That's all it should be Let's keep going Let's keep going Let's keep the jobs in America Yeah But I mean If they can pay people with dirt And you know Have their bottom line It's really It's really you know Deregulation And I Yeah I just wanted to say The reason people don't talk about that Is because we have people talking about Conspiracy theories It's like If the Illuminati were real Do you think they would have their business All over the world Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah All over the internet I mean mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr mehr everywhere where it seems like bullshit and created an atmosphere where, oh, hey, and that's a thing. Like, we got Snowden. Right now, Snowden just did the big interview and everything else. He's talking about all this stuff. They're talking about he's a dick, he's all this shit, he's a traitor. No, he's a hero. To me, the guy is a hero. But, Joe, listen, I so appreciate you calling. I think we got a caller I've been waiting for. I'm gonna go ahead and say thank you so much and talk to you soon. Ryan Talmo loves you. I love Joe. He's a funny guy. We've done a bunch of shows together. I've heard of him. Great guy. But what I want to get to is I think we have a caller coming up who has a lot of expertise on what we're about to talk about and I'm really hoping this is him. Hello, caller? Did we bump him up? I don't have a second. The guy's telling me, right? Billy, you do a podcast, right? Yeah, he has a certain amount of time before he's off air. He has no time to mess around. I don't have a second. A lot of time. Is he up yet? He's not up yet. Is he dead? What is he, in limbo? Get this motherfucker off his meeting. I have a huge thing to talk about with Snowden. That's a busy signal right there. You made me dump a handicapped dude for nothing? Hey, caller, I'm gonna say caller at the 951 area code. Call back. Is that Boston Cream? Who we talking to? Who's this? This is Chuck Cole. Exactly who I wanted to talk to, Chuck Cole. Love Chuck. I'm gonna tell you right now, I don't know if you're watching video, but the only pretty thing going on here is Michelle. How you doing? And I guarantee you she's smart as fuck and her looks have nothing to do with her life, but you bring some beauty to the place. I love that flower dress. Thank you. Yeah, no, that's fantastic. What do you do, Michelle? I do some sketch comedy. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. So you do like, uh, like group comedy, things like that, improv. Uh, yeah, a little improv. You do stand-up as well? Uh, uh, for a period of time, I was doing stand-up, taking a break. I like how you did that. You went for a period, and then I just wanted to like myself. So I went back to actual shit. Chuck, I got a question for you, buddy. Snowden. Snowden. Where's Chuck right now? No, here's the thing. Yeah, you can't even ask Chuck that. This is the beauty about Chuck. Chuck has a top-secret job. I know. And Chuck does some top-secret work. Real deal, actual top-secret work, and I know this for a fact. But, so that's why I rely on Chuck for all these answers. I never ask him, Talma, where he is. I know. It sounds like it's a grocery store right now. It doesn't. If he is, if he is, it has to do with international food situations. I'm pretty sure. Chuck doesn't fuck around. So here's the thing, Chuck. Snowden. Snowden. How do you guys look at him? How do you feel about him? Well, you know what? Let's start with how you feel about him, and then the government. Well, I can never talk for the government. I can never, ever talk for the government. No, but if you could, go ahead. But I can always talk for myself. Yes. There's two sides to it. One of them is that, you know, we rely upon these people to have these jobs where they get all this information. We rely on them to do all this stuff. We rely on them to do all this stuff. We rely on them to do all this stuff. In about five minutes, we're going to do short-caller trivia. So make sure you get, like, close-ups on the two of them. Yeah. Fucking do it.! So, you know, I'm on the fence with it. You know, I'm glad some of that information came out, because you know what? I don't want the damn government listening to my damn phone calls. It's none of their damn business. Of course. Right? Right? That's the thing. And you know what? I mean, what people don't get, they're like, Oh, I don't even care if the government listens to my phone call. Really? What if you decide to run for office? What if you decide to run for school board president, but they don't want you, and they just go, Oh, hey, by the way, you could totally run, but we're going to go ahead and blast out how you love sucking balls. And steal a candy bar. You know? Right? I don't know what you... Yeah, right? Here's a perfect example. Michael J. Benson. Okay? Wonderful guy. I would vote for you as a politician, but then they're going to be like, This dude used to fuck transvestites. Well, no, no, no. I was in love with one trans woman. Right. That's different than, you know, fucking a lot of... Oh, you randomly fuck them, and we know it. Just one. One, seven, same thing. One, seven, same thing. Every night. Yeah, you fuck one, you fuck them all. One still had a dick. Right? Right? Thank you. That's all I'm saying. I have a bigger dick than she does. But because of that, Benson, you're not going to be our mayor. No, that's... I wanted to be the mayor of Los Angeles. And Snowden... Snowden wants you to be the mayor. Oh, the... He wants you to be the mayor, and he doesn't want the government to know every goddamn sick fucking thing you do. Oh, fucking Snowden. Because I'm going... I'll tell you this. I'm going to run for office one day. I'm going to run for office, but my first speech is going to be like, you know what? You know what? I've done it. Any drugs... Any... You got a picture of me sucking three dicks? I'm going to wonder why the fourth wasn't one in the picture. You know? Like, I don't give a... Right? Because I was straight out. Because they're all out. Exactly. Right now, so let me ask you this, Chuck. So, they keep telling him... They keep telling him, be a man, come back to America. Why the fuck would this dude come back to America to go to prison for life and then be killed? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I mean... I mean... You know, you're absolutely right. But, you know, and even the politicians that call for him to return or call for his return, they know it's not going to happen, but they have to go out there and call for it. Yeah. You know? And that's just the bottom line. We all know he... You know, all of a sudden, he's not going to be, oh, my God, you know you're right. I need to be a man in return. Fuck you. That ain't going to happen. Well, you know what? I'll say something that'll piss a lot of people off, but if Mr. Obama... wasn't such a fucking Uncle Tom piece of shit, okay, then he would fucking do something about this, all of it, and he'd be a real person. But just like when all the black people voted for Obama and this motherfucker did not one goddamn thing for black people, I know because I live with two of them, not one goddamn thing for black people, then people need to realize, like, this dude, he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't... If he was any kind of a human being, if he was any kind of a great president, he would stand up and be like, what's going on with Snowden? What's going on with this Sergeant Tomasi, whatever the fuck his name is? What's going on with all this stuff is bullshit. It's un-American. It's not right. And someone would change it, except for this guy is absolutely a piece of shit. What throws me off is, okay, the guy in Santa Barbara that shot everyone? Yes. White guy. Yeah. Okay, George Zimmerman. White guy. Both of them half white. Both of them half white. Yeah. Both of them half white. Obama has never been a white president, but he's half white. Holly Berry. Nobody's ever said that bitch is half white. No. That bitch is hot black woman. Okay. So that's the thing. So every time it's good, they're black. Every time they do something shitty, they're white. I mean, that's the thing. It's like, how about a lot of these people are shitty. What's going on isn't okay. And people need to change it. But if Obama wants to go down as a good president, he needs to do two things. He needs to bring Snowden back with a full pardon and get into why we're being listened to and then make sure this Marine in Mexico gets released. And also start being more white. You know, as a president, he needs to start being more white. That's just racist. That's racist. I think he should give all white people free homes. Yeah. There we go. God damn, we're free. Not for me because then I get a home, my wife and daughter don't. It's me and my other two kids in the house just looking at them outside sad. Just so you know. It doesn't work out well for my family. You could rewrite the movie to help. Yeah, yeah. That's not racist. That's not that racist. So, okay. So, Chuck, yeah. Yeah, would you agree that this dude needs to be let back into America, full pardon, and we need to know every day this dude's okay? No, I would not say a full pardon. So we agree. I don't think that you should be let back with full pardon because like I said, there's the one part that we entrust these people that work at the NSA, that work with the CIA, FBI, to keep our secrets because there's secrets that just don't need to be getting out to other countries. I do feel like everybody else, I don't want the fucking government listening to my phone call because you know what? You always hear people going, well, if you don't have nothing to hide, what's the matter? Fuck you. I don't want you to hide. It's none of your damn business. Yeah, I don't want anyone knowing that I jerk off to fucking gangbang porn that looks like my wife. Yeah, really? Well, I mean, now people know, but I didn't want them knowing. Now we know. But they knew anyway. Gangbang? You're a redhead with a black wife. That's shady to begin with. Right? Right? That's what I said. Yeah, me and my wife. That's why someone was talking about white privilege the other day. I go, really? Because it doesn't work for the fucking Manson crowd. I don't know anything about white privilege. The Manson crowd? Yeah, right? I mean, like, nobody looking like me knows about white privilege. You know? I mean, it's like, that's a thing, you know? But it's a crazy thing. And, you know, hey, Chuck, why don't you stay with us? We're going to jump into a little game here, and then we're going to give Billy Bats the mic, and he's going to tell us what went down with Mae Victoria. So we got about, like, I don't know, about seven minutes. Do you want to sit through Chuck trivia with us? Sure, I will do my best. Let's do it. He's shopping. He's going to hear me scream. Michelle. Michelle. Yes. Okay. Have you ever been into S&M? No. Okay. Don't get into it. Have you ever wanted to hurt a man? Yes. Of course she has. She's a woman. Cool. Go ahead and take this. Well, no, I don't. Let's not assume. Tom will let her know anything yet. Wait, wait, let me see it for one second. I got to make sure it's on the shock. What is happening right now? Let me see it for one second. You're going to be shocked. Push his. Push his. Watch what I do. I'll do it one time so you get the idea. Okay? Watch this. Ready? This is one. Oh, fuck. Okay, that's really bad. Oh, that's what that is. Okay, okay. Motherfucker. Now watch this. This is two. Oh, motherfucker. Okay. Yes. Look at her. Look at her. Motherfucker. You can see her on video. She's literally just glowing. She's just glowing. She is so into this. Okay. I'm into you doing it. Now, it's the lightning bolt. You see the lightning bolt on there? I hate you. Don't do this. Try it. I've never hated a woman so much in my life right now. Don't be weird. Switches it. What's it on right now? Does it say one or two? Three. No. One or two on the little tiny box next to it. Two. Two. Two. Okay. Oh, that's me. Hit the lightning bolt. Let's just check. Oh, fucking shit. Okay. That's the one. You hit balls on the right side. Okay. Now I feel bad. You're fine. You're fine. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Motherfucking shit. So if it's that one, you'll hit that, right? Now, if it's his, you're going to hit where it says one, two, slash. Okay. Okay. Switch it over to one and then zap him. All right. So I'm going to say. First question, Mr. Talmo. First question. Very simple. Very simple questions. Very simple. This is stuff you should know by sixth grade. Okay. If you got the answer, this is not a good. I can barely hit my fucking neck. Jesus Christ. No one's. No one's. We don't make differences for genetics. Let's move this shit along. All right. Are you ready? Okay. Very simple question. Yes. Ready? What is the normal color of the gym sapphire? Oh. Okay. Billy Bats. Blue? Yes. Okay. Zap. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I like that. I like that. Can you hear him, Chuck? I can hear him. Oh, that's great. Next question. Pay attention. All right, guys. Again, easy questions. What was Michelangelo's first name? We're both going to get shocked, motherfucker. Billy. Leonardo. Wrong. Michelangelo. Zap him. Zap him. Number two. No. You're going to hit the one. There you go. Motherfucker. Why do I agree to this shit? Oh, fuck. All right. That's zero to zero, motherfucker. It's zero, zero. Zero, zero. I love this. I love this. Zero, zero. I already want one. Wait. What is his first name? I got one. Which one? That's Vincent. Wait. Wait. It's Michelangelo. Michelangelo was Michelangelo. No, no, no. It's one, one. It's one, zero. Oh, one, zero. Yeah, one, zero. Don't, don't. One, zero. That felt like a fucking trick question. No, these are simple questions. No, these are still trick questions. What? It's a pen-attacking. All right. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Billy. Wheat? No. Brog. Benson. Potato. It's all fucking A, motherfucker. Oh, fuck. What the fuck? Oh, fuck. All right. Chuck Benson just for not getting it. Don't, don't, don't, don't. You fucking ... I love this. It's so painful, but ... Michelle ... ... this response ... ... is funny. Wait, wait, wait. You know what's funny? It's one, zero. But you know what's funny? This ... ... is ... ... Michelle ... ... none of this ... and get a job as a dominatrix. She's going to be so into this. This hurts so bad. Next question. There is, okay, Carlo Collati wrote a story about a wooden puppet which became a human. Pinocchio. I hit it first. Pinocchio. But I said it first. Michelle. I don't want to. I hit the table first. Come on. You gotta hit the table. Are we going by a table? You gotta hit the table, right? My sadness hurts. Michelle. Michelle. Michelle. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know if anyone saw, but spit came out of his mouth. Spit came out of Benson's mouth. That fucking hurts. Next question. Next question. Hey, Chuck, how much are you loving this? This is not happiness. Guys, guys. I think this is awful. Oh, it's great. Oh, yeah. Chuck. Which international sport Fight for our country loves it. Let's hear it. Which international sport uses rings and parallel bars? Oh. Come on, Benson. Which international sport uses rings and parallel bars? Come on, buddy. It's going to happen either way, so I'm just going to say it. It's going to happen either way. Hey, Billy. It's gymnastics. Yes. Gymnastics. Chuck that motherfucker. Chuck Benson. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 3-0. 3-0, Billy. 3-0. I don't care. You got to come back, Benson. You're fucking fine. It makes me feel bad for pets. No, no, no. I would never use this on a dog. You should feel bad for current people. This is what you should be doing. If I ever saw someone with one of these, I'd kill them. All right. Which small shark is served in fish, in choppo shops, as rock eel or rock salmon? Ooh. Ooh, that's a hard one. These are hard questions. These are simple questions. What are you talking about? It's going to be an easy question, Michael. It's an easy question. Billy. Sand shark? No. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. Benson? Come on, buddy. Blue. Electric eel. I could be fucking real. No, no. Is it a blue shark? Can you both? Ah, fuck it. Get them both. Get them both. Yeah. I like that. Fucking. Shit balls on ice. Three zeros. Wait, wait, wait. It's three zeros. That got her face. That got her face. Yeah, because that's a great face. That is. Fuck. I've never seen a woman orgasm shocking people. I'm sweating too, so it's like twice as much. You are so dirty, Michelle. I love that. Michelle, I'm going to remember you. How long are we doing this? Best of five. I got three. It's three zero. Best of five. We're both hurting in our souls. Best of five. Best of five. Go ahead. Take it down. It's three zero right now. Do it. What is the term for a person with assets over a million dollars? With a what? What is the term for a person with the assets over a million dollars? Millionaire. A billionaire? Billionaire. Fucking shit. Can you? It's going to hurt. Oh, yeah. Four zero. Four zero. Look at this. One. You're awesome. One more time. You can do it, Benson. Benson. I think the fifth one should be strapped to his balls. No, Benson. You can do this. Yeah. You know what? You should be strapped to your balls. Do it. Tell them I'll ask them. Of Christ's sake. Okay. Last question. It could not be the last question. Who knows? You're not going to do it, Benson. You can do it, Benson. What is the name of the common in three Scottish kings, eight popes, and three Tassars of Russia? What the fuck? Questions. So easy, you guys. Just so easy. Just shock me like a hooker. Like a hooker. May. Benson. Oh, yeah. Ah, fucking A. Jesus Christ. Don't tell. Come on. What the fuck are you doing? I thought I was your friend. Oh. Oh. Chumming them up. Stop chumming them up. Hey, I thought we were only shocking people if they got it wrong. I didn't say anything. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Oh, my gosh. His pain made me so happy. So it's four nothing still. You didn't say final answer. I like you. No, I like you. This is not Jeopardy. Let's do it. So, yes. Was there an answer? No. No. This is not. Remind me not to touch any water. No wires or anything. Right. This is on me. Jesus. Okay. Which Australian outlaw wore homemade armor? Chuck, where the fuck are you? We had to drop Chuck. We had to drop Chuck right there. Which Australian outlaw wore homemade armor? You better get this right, motherfucker. I do not want to keep on doing this for the next 20 fucking minutes. Which Australian outlaw made homemade armor? Yeah. I don't know, and that's my final answer. Just do it. Ah! Don't do it. Oh, you fucking. Oh, you fucking. Ah, no. Oh, you fucking. Oh. Okay. I've never hit a woman in my life, but apparently. Let me ask you a question, Michelle, because you look sweet as like rain. She looks it, but she's not. Have you ever done anything like wrong in your life? Like really wrong? No, she has now. This feels good, doesn't it? Yeah. Okay. I like you. We're good. Yeah. Okay. Go for it. Hopefully this, hopefully Bill can win this and sweep it. Yeah, we can just, do it, Bill. How long is the appointed term in office of the secretary general of the United Nations? Does that make sense out there? How long is what? How long is the appointed, how long is the appointed term of office of the secretary general of the United Nations? Two years. Wrong. Benson. Benson. Ah! Benson. Oh, thank. Benson. Thank. Thank. Thank. Oh. Oh. This is gonna suck, Benson. Eight. Fuck. I don't wanna do that. Five years. How much is this shit? I was guessing. Fuck it. Okay. Hopefully, guys, I'm running out of questions here. I got a question. I got a question. Give me some 90s shit, 90s asshole. I have a question. Oh, I love the 90s. I have a question. I love the 90s. I have a question. Oh, shit. Man on the floor. What was the highest selling Beatles album of all time? The White Album. Is that right? I don't know. You fucking cunt. Right? 90s asshole. It's right. That's it. That motherfucker is right. He's being on a Beatles question. Because my head's in a weird. Again. Again, Michelle. Again, Michelle. Again, Michelle. Get him. He got a Beatles song wrong. I gave him a Beatles question. I gave him a Beatles question. I took your title, fucker. I took your title. I gave him a Beatles question. I'm just glad. He's a Beatle maniac. Just push both at the same time now. Just make him. Can I do that? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. one more time. Take that away from her. If she can get you one more time. No! You're not fucking over a cripple yet again. Wait, wait, wait, Benson. What if I tell you that Michelle, no, no, Billy, you gotta give it to her for once. You, you, no. Oh, fuck it. Stop it. Stop it. Wait, wait. Wait, Benson. What if I tell you she might orgasm on his next fight? That won't happen to her vagina whether she likes it or not right now. Look at her. No. Look at her. No. Look at her, Benson. Look at that beauty when she does the thing of pain. Look at her, Benson. Stop it. She's digging it. No, don't even. Come on, give her one more. Give her one more. There you go. There you go. Give her one more. You're not even doing questions anymore. You're just fucking up a cripple. It's hilarious. Yeah, I'm okay with it. No, we're not. Hey, guys. Let's thank Michelle. Great job, huh? Great job. Oh, you. Great job. Billy's back sweeping it. It's so weird having a girl in here and I haven't once asked you to show your tits and that's big of me. Yeah. I gotta say that because you know why you just have that thing about you that, nah, don't even do that. That's fucking. Okay, caller. How we doing? Who's this caller? It's Joe, Joe, Joe. What up, Joe, Joe, Joe? Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Joe, Joe, Joe. He still thinks he's gonna have it. Can you do the splits? The what? The splits. I can. I can't do any splits anymore. Hi, Victoria. What? Oh, no, no. May's not here but Michelle is. Okay. Where's Michelle at? And Michelle can do the splits while shocking Benson and Billy. No, we're not. We're not. We're not doing that again. If she's dead. If she's dead or what? Who is this? Talmo, take this off me. This is more like a phone sex call. Come here. Give it to me. Come here. I'm fucking. Billy. Come here. You can't grab the shocker. Benson's gonna kill you. I'm gonna throw you against the wall. Benson, come here. My Republican father will kill you. Benson will kill things like you and put you in the hell, you cunt. Okay, so Joe. Benson, Benson. Joe, Joe, wait, wait. Let's come here. I'm the weirdo. Let's find out from Joe, Joe. Get that off him. Fucking bastard. You fucking. Ah, you. Sorry. I was picking it up. Oh, really? Oh, Mr. Pickup. Leave a word that comes out of your motherfucking mouth anymore. I am so scared. Hey, can you push the tops down though? No. No, no, you gotta push the tops down. Oh, the tops down? Yeah, yeah. Two crippled arms. Hope you're happy. No, no, on the metal, you gotta push the metal tops down. The metal. No, I'm not pushing those down. Sorry, I just wanted to see if I could shock him. You guys signed up for this? Whoever that Joe Joe guy was, we lost him. Here's the thing. I thought I was screwed. Hold on one second because I want to get right to this because this is a big thing. Right now, we invited Mae Victoria on the show. We've had her on the show before. We always like to give a forum to everybody to express their views on a situation. So something came up recently where a tire was slashed at Jimmy's. Jimmy's place on Burbank. Okay. And so the issue came up that Mae Victoria was accused of slashing the tire based on having a sexual relationship with somebody who may or may not be a virgin. Correct. Whose name is, we don't want to say it off-line. We don't want to say it. Will Spring. Will Spring. And so Will Spring, and so Will Spring, you know, I guess, I don't want to say he messed around with Mae Victoria, but they used to, they were fucking. And a big problem came out. And so they accused her of slashing tires. And so she went on a rant about Billy Batts and a battle ensued. And so when we have a comic battle, we love that. So what we're going to do is Billy Batts, we're going to go ahead and turn it over to you. And I'd like to hear about this guy. I'm sorry, I'm just, I don't know what he's doing around his crotch. He may be dying. No, no, no. Benson may be dying from electric shock. My arm is numb, so I understand. So here we go. This is what happened. So a while ago, this comic that you had mentioned was sleeping with Mae Victoria. And then apparently she wanted to have a relationship or something. He denied. So she originally contacted his mother who was very religious. And said, stop sending your son money because he's sleeping with a prostitute because Mae Victoria is a prostitute during the day in a comic at night. We all know that. So, and she openly admits it. So there's no slander on that that I'm saying right now. So she comes to Jimmy's place and he's on stage and she goes around every comic saying how much he hates this guy. He's a douchebag and all this. And then goes outside while he's on stage and slashes his tire, comes back in. He leaves for a moment, comes back, changes his tire when he realizes Slash, she's gone. She runs away. And the whole set when she was on stage was about him, how much he's a douchebag, all this. So I messaged her. No punchlines? No. So I... Yeah, I came back. Yeah, that's... What a pun. Yeah, yeah, that's... Awesome. So I look at the security camera and funny thing is she was wearing kind of a dress here, wearing kind of flowery and yeah, so she was like only two females there, only girl wearing a flowery dress. I look at the security camera, you can see her kind of bent over around a car. And then runs away in that area. So I send her a Facebook message saying, so I'm watching the camera. I don't like what I see. I'm going to ban you from the liquid zoo. I'm going to ban you from all the mics I run, including all the clubs that I'm associated with. And she sends me a message saying, what? I was around a car. There was a metal, there was a metal thing in a road. I was squatting down in front of it because there was smoke or some shit. Comics were smoking in front of the club. I didn't want to be around that while I was changing my pantyhose. So I sent her a message so right there. What? Pantyhose? Yeah. Who the fuck, why is someone changing pantyhose? Oh no. In the street. I'm not. In the street. She's got to wear pantyhose. Yeah, she's wearing, she's changing pantyhose and doing her makeup next to the car because she doesn't like people watching her and she didn't want to be around a cigarette smoke. The bitch knew there was a bathroom inside so that's a fucked up excuse right there. So then she goes on to say that I'm a terrible comic. Everyone else is terrible there. She writes good. She's going to record this and send it to his mom. Like she writes and she ratted him out before. So she's being a cunt. She called, so she called his mom. Yeah. Okay, go on. Yeah, yeah. We invited her to call in too by the way. Yeah. No, we invited her to come in. Come in. Well, she was supposed to come in but then we invited her to call in as well. So she sends me another message saying she just left the bar. There's no cameras, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like after being booted out of there, like I'm going to believe that the owner just said, yeah, sure, come on in and watch my cameras. And especially after the cops were sent out because that comment press charges that night and this is a month promoting that place and cops were sent out so she's definitely bounced out of there. So she goes, I have a self sense of importance because I mentioned that I work in clubs. Hold on one second. Hold on. Give me one second. You're right there. Is she calling in? Hey. Let me get this caller. Chuck, is that you? I am back. Okay, Chuck. Chuck, give me one second. We might have May on the line. It's May calling in. Oh, this is going to be great. I don't even have to read the transcript anymore. This is going to be good. We got this call coming up. Holy fuck, man. What are you working on? Central American time? He still works for AOL. Yeah, yeah. That would be great. Look, why do I have to talk to the guy? Hey, Chuck? Do we have both people? Do we have both people up yet? Okay. Who's our other caller? This is Perry Kurtz. Oh, Perry. How you doing? I got to tell you, we're a little let down because we were hoping it would be May Victoria. Leave it to Perry to ruin my story. Right? Perry, Perry, we were hoping you were May Victoria. I got your right in the middle. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. You're a hooker. You're just not the hooker we were looking for. Okay. Hold on one second. Let's hear the rest of the story. So basically, after all that trash talk she gave me, I said, May, I was trying to be polite. You have no idea who I am in this industry. I am a comedian. I book shows. I do a lot in this comedy business and I will let, well, I mentioned club, in club owners, which I'm going to be professional and won't say all the air. Can you call extension one three? Yeah, that's Perry talking on the other fucking line. I'm not saying a word. Hey, Chuck, I'm going to drop you for a minute just so we get here. So then I got one. I love you, buddy. So then I said, I'm going to show this to other club owners to show you my sense of unimportance. So then she writes back saying, whatever, you lie about the video that doesn't exist. And then she said, the club owner's name, who, which shows how much she's, you know, you got to speed this up. You got to make it more fun. So she goes, I'm bored to fucking death. She wants to shock somebody. Last time I was really excited was when you said, come. Yeah. Jump it through. Yeah. So basically she was, she was pissing me off and kept on saying I was a loser, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I decided to have fun with her. I said, you're right. You don't belong on any show. Fuck with me. And I'll call the INS on you because she is illegally here in the United States for shooting a bird in Canada with a gun. So she's kicked out of her own fucking country. She's not a bird. She has to suck dick here. In the United States to make a living. That's why she prostitutes during the day. She had a real bird? Yeah, a parrot. She shot a fucking parrot? What kind of parrot? So then she kept on saying that I'm talking shit. She said, I have no material that I'm depressing, blah, blah, blah, blah. So then I go on to say your comedy is like your porn because she does porn. I said, it's depressing to look at. I've seen the porn. Yeah, it's disgusting. Because someone said she does porn and I looked it up. It's fucking disgusting. You have to. Right? Like Michelle. If someone said like right now, like, hey, there's a picture of Burger's dick on the video, you'd be like, ew. Yeah. Right? Right? I mean, you know. So basically I said your comedy is like your porn. It's depressing to look at and anyone with class walks away from it. So then she goes, again, thanks for the press. You hate her. Like, I'm giving her press by fucking personal messages. That fucking stupid cunt. And then I go on. Wait, wait, wait. Who do we got? Let's see. 330. Let's bump. Okay, caller. How you doing? Who are we talking to? Hey, hello. I'm here. Okay, who else we got here? Who's our other caller? Yeah. You hear me? Yep, I can. Perry, Perry, shut the fuck up. Okay, hold on. Okay, go ahead, caller. Hey, it's Will Spring. Okay, Will. Okay, here we go. Let's get another. Here we go. Nice. Okay, Will. I stopped listening to your rendition. Apparently I'm a version, but I also fuck Mae Victoria. Well, no, no, no, not here's the thing. That's what I'm saying. Not here's the thing. So the word is that yeah, you're a version and you fuck Mae Victoria. Yes. Okay. She's saying she popped her cherry. Yeah, but she literally, yeah, that apparently is what's been said. No, she's a dumb bitch. Nice. So you're saying you were not a virgin and you were not a virgin before fucking her? No. Okay. And, but you did fuck her? Yes. Okay. Nice. Okay. Now, was it on video or off? No, I didn't film your own video. Why would he film it? No. He said definitely not on video. Yeah, I like that. There's something you don't want to, you just don't want to film. Okay, okay. Now, he's been on your phone. I didn't, I didn't approach her. She approached me at like the Liquid Zoo. God damn, that fucking zoo, right? I remember that night. I remember that night. Ugh. I want to apologize to James Benson for that night. Oh, James Benson is so much worse than doesn't matter. She also approached Reza that night too, if I remember. Because Mae had some, maybe multiple nights. to say about Michael James Benson that night. Some mean things to say about Benson? You said, or did Mae say? Nobody better say mean shit about Benson. That's my boy. Mae said that. Nah, nah. Mae said what about me? Tell me no, because, nah. Benson's my boy. That's where you, that's where you lose me. But go on. I didn't say that. No, no, not you. I'm saying her. What did she say? Yeah, she'll lose me there because Benson's my boy. Like you were spitting on her face and stuff. So what? That goes with the territory. I spit on everyone's face. Yeah, Benson's a perv. It isn't, it isn't personal to her. Wait, how is she what? When was she, when you're spitting? How is she what? Like how she didn't want to go home with you and she was afraid of like how you drove and stuff. Oh yeah, well she should be afraid. I'm a scary man. Wrong, because I've driven with this motherfucker across like the fucking state and he's great. This is, this is what I love about this situation. I don't want to go home with him, but let me hop in the car by myself. Let me just tell you this though. Okay, first of all, we've, me and Benson have driven across California and this dude has driven the whole way jerking me off with his good hand. Yeah. So this motherfucker can drive. Was he reaching over then? That's wrong, yeah. Well yeah, no. No, he drives with his knee. But yeah, I'm really upset. I'll tell you this though. If she said shit about Benson, I would be upset. I would lose it because that's not cool because Benson's a great fucking dude and to talk shit about him, really, you gotta be, this is the thing, I'll talk shit about Benson on stage, off stage, around him, everything else, but never, ever to shit on him because he's one of the most creative original comics I know. So let me give you the short version of this. So she goes on to say she didn't do it, that he damaged his own car even though that she admits that she was close to the car changing her pantyhose and stuff I saw on video and that she also keyed his car as well. Then she goes on to say she doesn't do that and then she goes on threatening saying now I'm gonna tell all the club owners and stuff what you told me and she did. She went out of her way to reach the club owners and they messaged me back all basically saying the same thing, three of them, that she was, you know, she's a dirty comic, we don't appreciate her and also don't worry about it. We, we, we, we, you know, made her feel good but on your end don't worry about shit. So basically she fucked over her own career and got caught slashing and keying someone's car. And said a mean thing about a cripple who's decent. Yeah, that's not cool. Yeah, who only talk nice. Benson only talks nice about people. I'm gonna say this though, Perry. Perry's still there. Perry, did you fuck her? You know, that's what I think about this guy. He should be talking about people thinking that he's a virgin. There's nothing wrong with that. But that he fucked her, there's the embarrassment. Perry, Kurtz, ladies and gentlemen. This bitch doesn't have crabs, he's got lobsters, okay? Will, let me ask you something. This is Billy. Will. If you could do anything back to her and get away with it fully, what would you do? I don't know. I just want her to leave me the fuck alone. Right? Well, you know what sucks? I'll tell you this. I, I, I, I have no problem with her. I offered her the venue to come in and say her side. I want, I always make it fair for everybody. I'm non-biased. I, I never take anyone's side in that sense. Well, here's what I can do to prove everything. If anybody wants a copy of the transcripts from both the club owners and also the transcripts of the messaging that she sent me, I'd be happy to send it to copy and paste like I gave Berger one earlier and stuff so this way he could review what I was going to read off. So if anyone wants a copy of it, the, the, the case is closed. Now, Will, let me ask you a question. Did you ever see any of the porn? Yeah. Okay, why did you think you'd really hit wall? What, I hit wall? I didn't. Did you really think you were going to It's solid porn from like eight years ago. It's not good porn. It's okay fine. No, it's not even okay fine. It's bad. Well, fuck you. You don't, you don't know Benson in his life. I know. That's true. You have no idea what kind of stuff I've seen. I know, I know the stuff you've seen. I've heard about it. Look, look, all I'm going to say is I love Benson. He wouldn't harm a fly unless it was open. I swear to God. You know what? You know what? I'll tell you this. If Perry Kurtz had a second kid, Benson would be it. You know that. At your age, what are you going to come up with? He is a second kid. No, but that's, you know what? That's, I got, I want to let you shock more people, Michelle. No, you don't. Did you see her face? No, yeah, I saw, but she walked. I wanted. Oh, Michelle, I don't think Michelle's ever felt dirtier. but I'm going to remember that face. I will. Perry, did you see that? I don't know if you're watching the video. I can't. But yeah, her face was great. I can't run into these guys outside of this. Oh, no, you can because that face made it worth it. I'm telling you, the appropriate time comes, that face is popping in my mind. Where are you from originally, Michelle? Real quick. Yeah, 40 seconds. New Jersey. Suburbs, right? Yeah. I say that because, yeah, that face said, like, I ain't been dirty in a long fucking time. I don't even want to look at that. There was that one time, behind the hay bale. Right, that Mexican kid no one liked and you were like, fuck you guys, I like them. But other than that, this was the wicked shit. Yeah, totally, totally. Guys, you guys are all great. I'm glad somebody had a good time tonight. Can I talk about my sketch show for a second? Go for it, quick, quick. Okay, last show is tomorrow at 10 o'clock at Straight Jacket Society at the Complex on Santa Monica. Check it out, guys, it'll be great, man. I want to thank our guest, Billy Batts, Michael J. Benson, and my amazing co-host, Ryan Talmo. Right here, yes. Guys, I'm Burger Podcast. Have a great night. Thank you, callers. Bye. Night. Night. Uh-oh. Closing time. Open all the doors and let you out into the world. Closing time. Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl. Closing time. One last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I know you are.