Cliff Yates interview, sketchy characters, and weekly rant

I have got so much, so much to worry about I am stepping up and never coming down I have got so much, so much to worry about Good afternoon, everyone. Welcome to the 10th episode of Registered Ear Offenders. I am Sal Rodriguez, here joined by my co-host, Chris Z. How's it going today, Chris? Gangnam Style. Oh, Gangnam Style. If you have not seen Gangnam Style, be sure you check it out. It's the hottest dance. Ellen is in love with it. She has people on her shows doing Gangnam Style. And why the hell did we open up the show talking about Gangnam Style? Well, here's how you know it's blown up, Sal. I've never seen the clip, but I know everything about it. Because everybody's talking about it. Do you know the dance? No, but I know there is a dance involved. I have a vague idea of what it's like because I saw you. I saw you doing it. The dance is so easy, I believe even Chris Z could do it. Oh, my God. So it's easier than the robot. It's easier than the robot? Until now, that's the only dance I've been able to master. Can you do the Macarena? No, there's a succession of movements involved that I can't follow. I just don't move that quickly. Well, listen, anybody out there, check out Gangnam Style. G-A-N-G-N-A-M. Gangnam Style on YouTube. It's got probably 350 million views. It's a hot thing right now. You probably hear it. I was at a wedding last week, and they played it. It's from Korea, and it was at a Korean wedding that they played Gangnam Style. So you had an actual group of Koreans doing the Gangnam Style dance on the dance floor, which was a treat for me to see, a treat for these American round eyes. I love that when it comes to Asians are so distinctly different that you're now an American. Exactly. I have to be standing next to a Korean with slanted eyes to be considered an American by our culture. Hey, listen, anybody that wants to call in, call us at 1-800-825-7000. 893-9562. We've got a great show. We've got a great guest on our show today. I'm real excited. Even though on the way over here, Chris and I were almost killed. This is where we need law enforcement. On the way over here, Chris and I are carpooling, and a lady runs a lady, a little bitch, runs a red light. She ran the red light and almost plowed broadsided into Chris's door. And you could tell what it was. There was a construction truck blocking her view of us. So she thought, I'm a hot little fucking, you know, club cunt. I'll just, you know, I'm all, the attention's on me. Everybody loves me, me, me, me. So I'll just run the light. And she clearly didn't see us. And somehow fucking eagle eye Sal saw this chick, even though she was coming from my side, the passenger side. I did not see her until he just abruptly hit his brakes. Well, you see, because I grew up in the ghetto of Los Angeles where Chris grew up in the suburbs of Florida. So basically whenever I'm out in the city, I'm always looking around for shit happening. I'm always expecting to get jumped by a gang. Expecting the worst. Yeah, exactly. Believe me, you can talk to anybody who knows me when we do the show on Bad Advice on Saturdays and we come over here on the Metro. I take a knife with me. Believe me, I'm ready to defend myself at any given moment out here on these streets. Yeah, I can attest to that. That is not. It's not like that, you guys. That is not just a lip service. Sal is indeed well-armed and as am I. And I finally found my ideal weapon. What is that? It's, I showed you this, right? Boom. Oh yeah, that's right. It's, it's cleverly, it's cleverly concealed. You wear it around the neck. That is a concealed, do not show that to our guest today. Do not show that to him. Our guest, for those of you in listener land, is a law enforcement officer. However, he, he walks, he walks two worlds. He walks amongst us. Yeah, he's, he's two different people. He's, he's, he's the light and the dark. So when he's not, when he's not enforcing the law, he's, he's doing stand-up comedy. This is quite a find for us, Sal. He's a police officer, a sheriff to be exact, a sheriff, a deputy sheriff, and a comedian. But a successful comedian, not, you know, not a sheriff who doubt, who's dabbled once or twice. No, no, he's good. I've seen, I've seen his act. He, he is a good comedian. I hope that he is as good of a sheriff as he is a comedian. I'm, I'm sure. Yeah. The, the fellow law enforcement officers who depend on him for their lives, I'm sure, you know, they, they want the same thing. What if he's like Seinfeld on stage, but Barney Fife in his uniform? You think, I, I, I just hope that he's as, as, as good and as successful in two worlds. I flounder in many different worlds. I'm, I'm not successful in any of my worlds. That's funny. But I hope that Cliff Yates, our guest today, is as successful with the uniform as he is on stage. The, there's a, there's a good friend of mine, Matt Allaker, who has a joke that I just think is hilarious. He said, my business card says actor, writer, and comedian. So I can show the world I've failed in three distinctly different areas. Exactly. You know, we, as someone who's multi-talented, living in a world that rewards the specialists, that's where we are today. So listen, tell us about our show, Chris. We got Cliff Yates on. What else do we have on? It's our 10th episode. I'm very excited that we made it this far. Well, we've, we've brought something to the table, so we're not taking this lightly. For one thing, we've got sketchy characters. This is our third installment of sketchy characters. Man, I'm in love with this piece. I think it's unique. I don't think anybody else is doing this. They're kind of old timey radio plays. And, you know, they're on 45s. And we bring them into the studio, and we, we, we play them for the, Nick brought in his turntable, and he's able to play the episode of sketchy characters. Yeah, Nick, what's up? Hey, people are watching us. So I found out people are watching us. So I want to say hello to the viewers out there. Yeah, we're in that camera right there. They're watching everything we do. Everything we do. So if Nick, back here too, they could see me too. We want to see your hands, Nick. I don't want you touching yourself. This is such a classy place. I don't know if you noticed, Chris, you got a bottle of whiskey laying behind you. That's how classy this place is. That's how, yeah. I'm a little, I'm a little disappointed in myself that there's a bottle of whiskey in the room, and I didn't even notice. I might need to get my eyes checked. Like I said, man, I'm always checking. I'm checking for danger at all times. but not only danger, but fortuitous serendipity, kind of, just walking out of the day, and there's a bottle of whiskey. Yeah. So we've got sketchy characters. I'm very excited for our third installment of Sketch Sketchy Characters. What else we got? Well, we got two stories. Now, here's, I think an interesting thing. I think everybody at one point or another has fallen victim to, or at least been the target of some kind of flim flam, some kind of scam, bait and switch. Yeah. Something along those lines. And I've had one happen to me. No, no shit. Three or four times over the last 10 years by coastal. Because remember, I came, I moved here from Florida eight years ago. This happened to me about twice in Florida, happened to me twice out here. And finally, finally, this, this essay records my response. The last time somebody approached me attempting to make me a sucker. So you're saying that, are you saying that since you're off an approach that you have just Mark written on your forehead? Is that what's happening? I do believe so. I, I do believe that's what it is. Look, look, I have, I have, uh, I have Mr. Ed size teeth. All right. Uh, and I smile a lot and I'm an easygoing guy and that tells street people, Oh, this guy is going to be, this guy's, I mean, this guy's an ideal Mark at the very least to tell street people, this guy wants to hear my sob story. You know what I mean? And, and then fortunately after 36 years of this going on, you know, I've caught on now and I'm a lot more, um, uh, thick skinned than I used to be. So this is where you're not playing your cards, right? Chris, because you're, you're a tall man and women love tall men. Let me tell you something. Uh, don't smile, shave your head, be tall. Women will be blowing you every day. No, I, you know, Sal, Sal and I have talked about this before and we've talked about addressing it on the show. Uh, the best, the best, uh, asymmetrical power relationships vis-a-vis a female I've ever had have been the handful of times in my life. I've acted like a jerk. Yes. It has always been the most productive and it's been the only time in my life where women were the supplicants. Yes. And can you define supplicants for our listeners? Yeah. Uh, they were, uh, they were the ones coming to my doorstep. Uh, they were the ones apologizing. They were the ones working harder than they had worked before when I was, you know, when I first met them and I was okay with everything and they kind of, uh, you know, uh, achieve this. Oh, I'll just coast by, you know, I can, I can get away with whatever I want. In fact, I've seen this pattern a lot in my relationships where, uh, girls will kind of call me out. Uh, you know, well, I didn't like that. You know, you said you were going to call us and you didn't, uh, but they'll do whatever they want because early on they notice how kind of easygoing I am. They mistake me for a sucker. They think that they're going to treat me, uh, like their boyfriend. They're going to hold me accountable as if I was their boyfriend, but they think they're going to do whatever the hell they want. Yeah. And they're always surprised when I just, you know, abruptly cut them off. I'm kind of like that. I'm somebody who maybe doesn't manage things well. It doesn't, you know, pull people aside and say, Hey, you know, I'm noticing the beginnings of a problem. What I'll do instead is I'll wait two, three months and then I'll blow up. They call that passive aggressive. I think, um, isn't, I thought passive aggressive. Well, yeah, I suppose it's a, it's a facet of passive aggressiveness. Um, but Oh, let me finish with the, uh, the breakdown for today. So then we've got Cliff Yates. We've, uh, briefly teased him and what he's going to bring to the table today. And of course we have Sal's weekly rant and a special edition due to our current presidential debates. Whoa. Even now I want to make this clear. This is, uh, uh, Sal and I maintain integrity in this show. Full disclosure. We, I do not know what Sal's going to talk about. Uh, whenever we do game shows, if Sal says that, uh, I don't know the answers to questions, I don't know the answer to the questions. So, uh, this is going to be as big a surprise to me as it's going to be to, uh, our listenership. We do maintain integrity. In fact, the only integrity that Chris and I have is Fridays between, uh, one and two Pacific standard time. And hopefully there'll be time, Sal. Uh, sometimes we run a little late, but, uh, we've also got another edition of greatest disappointment. I hope we're able to get to that. I really do. And maybe, maybe our guest Cliff Yates can, can chime in on what has been a great, greatest disappointment in his life. Oh, I'm certainly has to have one. Uh, so I guess we'll just jump into sketchy characters now, cause we're already starting to fall behind. Uh, Nick at your leisure. Sketchy characters. And now sketchy characters presents man intervention. I'm going to be a little bit of a pain in the ass. I'm going to be a little bit of a pain in the ass. Honey, I'm home. I stopped at the store. Hello, Brian. Christ, you scared the heck out of me. What are you guys doing here? We're here to stop you from destroying yourself. Destroying myself? What is this? An intervention? No, Brian, it's a man intervention. Brian, since your wedding, you quit drinking, bought a minivan and missed a UFC title fight to go antiquing. We don't even know you anymore. Remember when those teamsters caught us cheating at the card table? You threw the first punch. Now you dress like that. What's wrong with the way I'm dressed? You're wearing Kirkland, Brian. Costco is where you buy secret Santa gifts for coworkers you hate. Not where a man buys his clothes. Remember back in college, when your coach sprung that drug screen on you? You were partying a lot, and my piss saved your scholarship. Now I can't call past nine? Brian, your dream was to play for the Dodgers. What happened? Life happened. I have a wife and kid. Good. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. My wife and child, they're not problems. They're not? Then what's in the bag? Nothing. What's in the bag, Brian? Come on, Brian. Stop it. Get him. No. You're, you're, you're being ridiculous. Come on. Stop it. Go. Hold his arms, Adam. Look at this. Coasters, Yankee candles, and an Us Weekly. We're too late. Maybe not. Brian, do you recognize this? That's my game ball. We found it in the garage. The garage? Go ahead. Touch it. Oh, God. It feels like the wrapping paper on a child's biggest birthday gift. It smells like, like... Hope, Brian. It smells like hope. No! Megan is my wife, and like it or not, I love her. Now I want you two the hell out of my house before I call the cops. It's no use, Rick. We've lost him. No, Rick, wait. Where is my wife? She's with Gail and Jenna. They want their friend back, too. If Megan's with them, where's our son? I said, where's our son? He's perfectly safe. There's a fire station not far from here. Yeah, that was Mantervention by Sketchy Characters played off of a scratchy scratchy 45. Thank you, Nick, for that. That's probably my favorite Sketchy Characters so far. You know what? I really enjoyed that, and even though it's so old, it was like from the 40s, I love how they were so ahead of their time and their references. I would not have thought there was Us Weekly back then. No, it was actually U.S. Weekly. That's what it was. Oh, okay. Yeah, U.S., and then now they just took out the periods as just Us Weekly. Who they were following? Doris Day? Truman. Truman was in there. There's a picture there, like, he's just like us. He goes for a jog in the morning. Truman's just like us. He picks up a dog by the ears, or was that Johnson? Remember one of the presidents picked up a dog by the ears? No. What kind of sadistic maniac? This is when that was allowed. You were allowed to do that back in the... That makes Romney's dog on the top of the car story sound tame. Romney had a dog on the top of his car? Oh, come on. You haven't heard that story? It was like the first kind of really oddball, you know, gaffe that he did. He's just talking, and I guess he thought it would humanize him to talk about when he was young and he took a vacation with his family, and he was like, you know, we didn't have any room for the dog in the car, so we just strapped him to the top of the station wagon. He's like, what? You what? Wasn't that on National Lampoon's vacation or something? That was the dead grandma with the Chevy Chase. Well, I'll tell you what. I really enjoy Sketchy Characters. That was number three, the third installment, and we got more to come. Many more to come. And listen, I want to give a shout out to a good friend of mine, Tim Turner. He's really a fan of that and actually specifically asked if we were going to be having Sketchy Characters, so thanks, Tim, for listening, and that was for you. That was dedicated to my friend, Tim. Cool, and yeah, we do appreciate our fans out there because, you know, we started small and we're always, we're always, and we're so huge now, but hey, we got fans, we got fans in Argentina and a fan in Pakistan. Can you believe that? I think, I don't know if it's a man or a woman, but somebody in Pakistan is our fan. We are growing so quickly. We just bypassed Europe. We're like, fuck the nearest, you know, the nearest Eastern world countries. We're just going straight to the other. Soon we'll be coming back around to Hawaii and back to, California, just all the way around the world. If anybody in Africa is listening to us, please go to our Facebook page and like Registered Ear Offenders on Facebook page. And listen, if anybody wants to join in on the conversation, 1-800-893-9562. And Chris, you got something to share with us today as well. I do, I do. Once again, this has happened to me now about three, possibly four times. So I decided to publicly address it and hopefully prevent this from happening again and maybe save anybody who's young and naive the heartache of falling victim to this ridiculous scam here. Sometime in my teens, I read a book titled Scams, which detailed dozens of decade-old flim flams. All right. Yeah. One was the speaker scam, which consists of procuring an old set of speakers, say from a flea market, placing them inside packaging from state-of-the-art speakers, then selling them to some sucker who thinks he's getting the deal of a lifetime. I was walking west on sunset when I heard someone shout an informal greeting at an unspecified person. I turned to look. I was the greeting's intended target. The individual who'd issued said greeting hastily executed a U-turn to pull up alongside me. His facial hair was unkempt and his T-shirt tattered. He launched into a well-rehearsed sales pitch. My man, I got these. His shifty eyes and hackneyed opener triggered the memory of the two previous times I'd found myself in the same situation. Speakers, I cut him off. And you've got to get rid of them before your boss notices that they're missing from the warehouse, right? His passenger's face went white. The driver, however, had the intestinal fortitude of the gambler immortalized in Kenny Rogers' country music classic of the same name. Not only did he press on, he yes-anded me, a technique often used in improvisation whereby one improviser accepts their partner's offer without question. Next thing I knew, we were riffing. I punched up his monologue. He was like, can I keep that? We even fist-bumped. Before we parted ways, his sheepishly advised me against walking alone in that neighborhood because you never know whose attention you're going to attract. I urged him to lose the windowless white van if he was serious about a career as a confidence man. I like the windowless white van, which I think that they would have used later than when they approach young girls at the mall telling them that they're photographers. You know, we should actually open a service that rents white windowless vans. To people who, to ne'er-do-wells who have, you know, ill intentions. And I would like to give a special thanks to Wes Hambright of Orange Dog Music for supplying the background music for Chris's, what would that be, essay? Do we call that an essay? It sounds like we're in elementary school if we call that an essay. Well, it is an essay. That's why I wore my short-pant suit. The menace short-pant suit. Chris is dressed like the, what is it, the guitarist in ACDC. Yeah, that's right. Angus Young, that was his name, with the beanie on, the top. That's right. I get this, you know, when I'm driving around, I get these guys, because I got a couple of dents in my car, so I get the guys, hey, buddy, want me to fix your dent? Hey, buddy, hey, hey. And then he's like, hey, $80, I fix it. I go, $80? The auto body shop quotes me $1,500. You'll fix it for $80. Yeah, I'm sure that's going to be a quality job. Yeah, there is such thing as going too low to where now it makes the consumer incredulous. Yeah, exactly. You know, if you tell me, hey, man, I got these jeans, usually $150, but I'll sell them to you for $10. Okay, something is clearly wrong here. Well, it's like Big Five. You know, for those of you who are unaware, there's a sporting good chain called Big Five here in California. I don't know where else they are, but they'll be like, oh, these Nikes are $20, normally $150. And you go, no way. Nowhere are those Nikes normally $150, and yet they're on sale for $20 today. Yeah, I've seen sometimes, you ever see like in like a, I don't know, one of those really like Dollar General or something, there'll be like a bin with like undergarments, like three for a dollar. Like they have to be used. Like it just, it just doesn't even make sense in this day and age that somebody's producing, you know, procuring material, paying labor, shipping these things, and somehow able to sell them three for a dollar. I just don't buy it. I'm sorry, you say there's a place where I can buy used undergarments, three for a dollar? No, what I'm saying, I speculate that they're used. But by the way, if we ever get a chance to go to Japan, which I sincerely hope we do, you heard about the vending machines? Not only did I hear about them, but I heard, I saw them when I was in Japan. I did a USO tour throughout Japan, and I did see these vending machines that sell used panties apparently from the plaid skirt wearing school girls. Chris has just fainted. I gotta go. I'll be back in a few minutes. The concept of used panties from plaid skirt wearing school girls, it just drives Chris nuts. I have a tote bag that I bring to the show with, you know, all my materials. I never thought I should include an extra pair of undergarments. Chris just came in his pants right now. That's what he just did. Hey, listen, you want to go ahead and bring out our guests? What do you say? Dude, we're right on time. Yeah, let's do it. Who do we got coming into our studio today, Chris? We got Cliff Yates. This is the guy we were talking about before. Cliff spent the last 30 years as a police officer, originally an upstate New York cop, most recently patrolling the streets of Los Angeles as a deputy sheriff. One of his LA patrol assignments found him working a footbeat at Universal CityWalk, and as fate would have it, a chance encounter with a local TV producer soon after his double-edged sword. Cliff has copped by day, comic by night, was exposed on a local television news special. So that's Cliff. Let me see here. Let's just bring him in. We'll have him talk about the rest of life. Come on in, Cliff. Cliff Yates, ladies and gentlemen. Woo! Ow! Or should we say Deputy Cliff Yates? Is that how you're referred? Well, you know, on duty, but I'm not on duty. I'm off duty now. You don't know how much cleanup of the studio we had to do before you got here. We had to hide all the weed. We had to hide all the weed. We had to hide all the weed. We had to hide all the weed. We had to hide all the weed. We had to hide the LSD. What do they call it? Paraphernalia. There was paraphernalia everywhere. We should actually just label it a head shop and just say, oh, no, we're a head shop. We don't have none of that here. No, we wouldn't have any paraphernalia here. Nick's like, that is all in my pocket. Thank you very much. No, man. I saw a guy running out with a bunch of brownies. I know. I know. I saw him downstairs. So how are you doing today, Cliff? Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having me. This is great. So what's going on with you? What's it like? You know, I've had the pleasure of meeting Cliff before. He was a commentator on the same day I was a commentator recently on Bad Advice, a Saturday show hosted by Drew Marks. And, you know, you strike me as such a pleasant, affable, humorous individual, and yet you're a police officer which completely destroys the image that we have of sheriffs and uniformed police. How are you able to be a nice guy and a cop? It doesn't work. You know, it hit home. It hit home what Chris was saying because I have the same, you know, because you show up with a smile. Even if you're, then people think you're a mark. Oh, this guy's easy. And then, I'm like Chris. Instead of being reasonable and, you know, holding people to task, I wait too long and I just hit him in the fucking head. I just, I lose it and I go crazy. And so, I never saw you like that. See, I'm schizophrenic. But Chris, I'm like that. Let me say this, Sal. Now, for the most part, I'm pretty left to center in my politics. But one thing that does disgust me is the lack of support for law enforcement in our society. I don't, I'm not pandering. You know me. I never do that. No. In fact, I've never heard you say this before. There is, recently there was a story about the DEA agent. I'm sure you heard this. A woman attempted to run him over. He was forced, apparently there's no question that he was literally hanging onto the front of her hood for his life, ended up discharging his weapon, killing this woman. And some of the things that, you know, the reactions, I mean, her husband immediately called for this officer to be shot in return for shooting his wife. Like, nobody would concede the fact that this woman deserved to be shot. You know what I mean? In fact, I can scarcely think of a case where somebody deserved more to be shot than attempting to run over a DEA agent who was on foot with their vehicle. And I mean, just the lack of support is starting. I genuinely believe that each community should have the option to sign away their access to the police. If you're so bothered by the police, you should have the right to say, you know what, we don't want police in our neighborhood anymore. And then you can take it and see what happens to your community. I like it. I like it. Cliff, have you ever shot somebody? Yes. As a matter of fact, I shot somebody and the guy lived. He's okay. But it's funny because, you know, some people react differently when they shoot people. They don't talk or they're quiet or, you know, they're upset. I was still smiling in the middle of the street and other officers showed up and I said, I just shot this guy. He was hitting people with the bumper jack. And they go, no, you didn't because I had the smile on my face. It was kind of fun. And I said, yeah, I did. And the guy laying on the ground, yeah, he shot me and I'm the victim. But, you know, you come, it was in South Central and it was in Linwood and it was on Long Beach Boulevard in Josephine. There's a place called Tam's Number Nine right there. And I shot the guy in the number two lane right in front of the place. How bad a neighborhood. These people kept cooking their burgers. They were taking orders. Even a shooting did not stop them. It was nothing unusual. Hey, listen, we got a clip of Cliff Yates performing. I think this is from Ventura Harbor Comedy Club, I believe. So, Nick, why don't we go ahead and play the clip of Cliff Yates? My parents hated me, too. My baby bottle? Inverted nipples. You ever suck and suck and nothing comes out? Why do you look at him when I say that? My dad never disciplined me. He never disciplined me. He sentenced me. As a baby, I thought I was on death row. My high chair, 12 feet tall, 10. Most kids got a spanking. I got the chair. This was better than the gas chamber. My dad would start on the pillowcase and stick my head in it. My dad taught me about being a cop. Police procedure, but not about sex and birds in the bees. So when I started dating, I got confused. To me, foreplay was, you have the right to remain silent. Assume the position. Spread them. For two years, I picked up my dates. I opened the car door. I put them in the back seat. Watch your head. Messed up my dating life. I used to date a girl from the Department of Motor Vehicles. I hated her. Before I could get to bed with her, I had to wait in line for two hours. I now now now Today, comedy cop Cliff Yates from the L.A. Sheriff's Department. Thanks for having me. This is great. You guys put on a good show. Very funny stuff. And you have an old school style, which I like. I don't think you've ever heard what I do, but I'm big on punchlines again, and I think that's a lost art. Chris tells jokes, and he admires that you, too, tell jokes. Yes. Yeah, because I think I grew up watching Mike Douglas and all the greats, Rodney Dangerfield. And I don't know if you remember, there was a guy named Leonard Barr. He was Dean Martin's uncle. This guy was like 80 years old and used to be on and do comedy like that. And so I just loved that, and I started patterning myself after him. So you were a comedian before you became a cop. Yeah, actually, and I just started doing some charity shows back home. I didn't realize how I was doing this in high school in this small hick town in upstate New York. But this substitute teacher was telling a story when I was back. She goes, you know, my first day in this class, I was so nervous. And somebody from the class came up and said, listen, we won't give you a hard time if at the end of the class, you give Cliffy a hard time. Cliffy hates 10 minutes. I was already doing time in high school. And so it was kind of weird because there was no model for it. I didn't have comedy clubs. And so I actually started doing it when I was 15, 16 years old. So as a cop and a comedian, doing time has double meaning. Absolutely. Thank you. Oh, I'll be here all week. Let me ask you this, Cliff. Like you said, you said I didn't have comedy clubs accessible to me. I started out the same way in Orlando. We had one open mic five minutes a week. And it took me a long time to figure out, well, if you're serious about this, you know, you have to travel out. You kind of have to commit to it. This can't be a hobby, you know. So if that's the case, what inspired you to actively pursue it? If your community wasn't conducive to it. Well, I had two kind of parallel things. I was a cop in upstate New York also back there. And then people said, hey, and I always wanted to go to a large department. So I was applying in New York City. And then I was applying out here. And people said, you should go to L.A. You can pursue your other dream. You can be a cop there and you can be a comedian. And so then when I came out here, I realized, oh, I have to write my own material. So I started taking writing classes and then went from there. Tell us about your early years as a sheriff. From what I understand, in order to be a sheriff, you got to spend a couple of years in the L.A. County jails. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah. It's no fun. It's like doing time. It really is. And so the sheriff's department, you have to start in the jails and then you put in for a patrol station. And then depending how the movement is, it could be one year, five years. And so I put in for fast stations and I got out early. I went to Linwood down in Compton. So I got out within three years. What year were you working in the L.A. County jails? Because we might have run into each other before. Actually, 1984 during the Olympics when it was the men's central jail was the official jail of the 1984 Olympics. Okay, you know what, though? The good news is that was ahead of my time. I did spend a couple of days in L.A. County jail in my early 20s. It's crazy. And I was so stupid. I was from upstate New York. I didn't know these gang tattoos. You know, they have like, these guys have like, if they killed somebody, for every year they're in jail, there are teardrops. And here I am yelling at these guys. Are you crying? Are you crying? I'm a gang member, you know. What's your nickname? Crybaby? They were attacking me. They hated me. They don't have the teardrops on the East Coast? They didn't have that in my, no. Did they have something equivalent? No, I didn't, you know, it was so, I didn't have, my town had 4,000 people. It was terribly small. Well, let me ask, when you talk about having to discharge your weapon, what's, because, you know, you hear a lot on TV. about what happens afterward, but who knows how much of that is accurate. Well, you're supposed to go to therapy. Yes, they pull you off the street, correct? Yeah, you're required to go see a psych before they put you back on street duty, just to see if you're doing okay, if you have any nightmares and civil liability, and, you know, of course they care. And that's the procedure. And your captain yells at you a lot. I know from what we've seen of cop shows, you always have a captain. A black captain. A black captain yelling at you. Is that what happens? Yeah, that's what happens. That's pretty accurate. Now, you've never, you've never been in that position, Cliff, where you had to put your service revolver on your captain's desk, along with your badge, and go rogue. I have never done it, actually, no. Have you ever wanted to? It's funny, because here I am, I'm coming out here to L.A., all these shootings and everything. My biggest internal affairs investigation was for a comedy routine, you know, under the sexual harassment law. They sent me, I was joking about my wife, who's Cuban, right? So, my wife's Cuban, I love new cultures, we both sing the Cuban national anthem, row, row, row your inner tube. And then somebody put a thing in, hey, that might be racial, you should be investigated. Well, hold on a second. You were doing this at a private, kind of like an actual show, having nothing to do with your job, and somebody just happened to connect the dots? It was actually like a county function for county bosses appreciation day or something, and the ombudsperson for the county, who takes complaints against public officers, was in the audience. So, the guy who hired me, he got, he was afraid. Somebody said, if somebody complains, you're in trouble, because you hired this guy. Yeah. And so, he says, I better put the complaint in myself. No one actually complained, and now I'm under investigation. I'm in a room with the tape recorders and the lights on me. I think they just wanted to see my routine on duty. I suspect it, because they were laughing. Did they ask you to stand up when you said that? Yeah. They actually had a mic waiting for you on a stand. We're going to put this light on you while you're doing it. There was a stool with water. I figured something was up. So, but you know what? I got paid to do my routine on duty. So, because to answer the questions, I had to do my routine. Did you make fun of your wife, who's Cuban? Let me tell you what I said. Then I went into my routine. So, what is the, okay, because you started out, this is New York cop, but you were what, a state cop? I was a deputy sheriff in upstate New York. Then I came out here, joined the sheriff's department. It's funny because I always start my routine when, because they always introduce me. This is LA's comedy cop. He's a real cop in LA. And then everybody thinks I'm with the LAPD, and that pisses me off. So, I straighten them out. I say, listen, I'm with the sheriff's department. We're different than LAPD. They wear blue. We wear tan and green. We shoot people in the front. And then it starts to, boom. Boom. They don't like it. They get pissed off. Cliff, how do you get along? Because you probably suffer from the same problem I have, is that there's no more drummers behind you anymore to rim shot when you tell your jokes. No, yeah. Yeah. It's tough. You bring your own key chain with a snare drum sound effect. I didn't even want to tell people I was a cop, but Judy Carter was one of my teachers. And she goes, hey, listen, you got a real life. You got to tell people. Not all comedians have that. So, it's a unique niche. And I really was starting in the local clubs like Igby's and the Ice House right after the Rodney King thing. So, I really want to go on stage now. How you doing? I'm a cop. Hey, you know how you guys like me? You're not going to like me in two seconds. Yeah. But you know what? If you go on stage and you take control of that room and that audience, they'll give you a chance. And then if you win them over, man, I've never had any trouble. I figure if I made it through that time period, I never have any problems. Let me ask you about some of these logistics. What's the schedule like of a sheriff, like the work schedule? And how would that coincide or mesh with a comedy schedule? Well, it's weird because I always proclaim, oh, I'm cop by day, comedian by night. But really, I work nights. So, I have to do it on my time off or I have to take vacation time. And so, if I get like a week gig or I frequently open for Mike Marino, I'll have to get time off. I take vacation. It's hard. I can't call in sick. Then I'm on Facebook. Hey, come see me here. Hi, everybody. I'm supposed to be on duty. Somebody's getting raped right now. But I got to do my comedy. Good thing. Good thing I got better because I just got offered a show in an hour. Yeah. So, what exactly is the difference between a deputy sheriff or a county sheriff versus LAPD versus a state cop? The difference, like LAPD, they take care of the city of Los Angeles and they're just a police agency. And they do a fine job. They do a great job. In the sheriff department, every sheriff by law has to operate a county jail, even if they don't have a road patrol. So, we actually have both. So, we have to maintain the county jail and then we have patrol in the county areas. That's where we have to patrol. And then cities who don't want their own police department or can't afford it, they contract with us. Oh, like West Hollywood contracts with the sheriff's department. Yeah. So, you see a sheriff's car with a rainbow on its side, you know. I never... I was so scared. I worked there for a while and I was scared to be in a city where the city council was the village people. It was crazy. No, no. I had to go to the first meeting and they were all there, the construction guy, the Indian guy. And I walked in. I was the cop. Start saying it. No, no YMCA. Let me ask you this thing, Cliff. Is it true that in the city of West Hollywood, the contracts with the sheriff's department, that if you see people smoking pot in West Hollywood, you're not supposed to bust them? Yeah. They allow the... I don't know. They allow the dispensaries. The dispensaries are legal, of course, in California. And then it's against the federal law. So, sometimes the feds come in and they want us to participate and it's a big conflict because as you see, it's allowed. Yeah. Yeah. It's on the news shows all the time. The sheriff's department or the police department is trying to have an investigation or do their job and then the feds come in. Oh, the feds got this. They override them. Is that accurate? Do the feds inherently automatically always override local and law enforcement? Well, there's sometimes a fight. It's an argument. This marijuana thing is a big conflict because it's still federally not allowed, but the cities like West Hollywood and LA, they allow the dispensaries and if you got your prescription, it's... That now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now like you might not even, if you're not working at the dispensary, you might not work at Starbucks either. No, no. Your Starbucks. Yeah. I'll give you a Starbucks. I'm just saying anything above that. You know what I mean? Above that pay grade. I'm obviously making a joke, but the point is that it's, it's insane. No, I definitely agree that in this day and age, in this economy, somebody would be focusing on something that is, uh, employs people, brings in tax revenue is, is, is the antithesis of all the problems we have. The answer to all the problems we have right now. Um, while I have you, Cliff, I would like to, um, special surprise here. Um, I received a parking violation. Uh, this was, I received a parking violation at the L at the Metro, uh, station for the subway. And it's from the Metro protective services, which I understand is a branch of the County Sheriff's department. So I would like to see if you can have a look at this ticket and see if there's anything that you can do. See, that was a ticket for not paying my registration for having an expired registration, but actually I just didn't have the sticker attached. How can I fight this Cliff? Listen, this is, this is actually, this is actually a new ticket. If you'll notice, if you'll notice on the right hand corner, the M, the Metro under law, these people are allowed. I actually worked Metro. I worked at transit services Bureau, the subways at night, they're allowed to basically have their own administrative court. This is not even through a regular court. And, and so they collect these fines and we have no control over this. You know, I could get a ticket and I probably would have trouble. I wouldn't be able to get out of it. So you're saying there's nothing you can do to help me with this ticket. Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, Cliff Yates, thank you for joining us. I'm not sure. I'm not sure that if you, I'm pretty sure, you know, if you do nothing with this, I don't think anything happens because it's not, you don't go, you're not saying screw you to a regular court. You're saying screw you to the Metro. So in other words, but I mean, if I have, if I don't pay that ticket and I get a warrant from the sheriff's department, I don't think they have the power to give a warrant for this, but hold on a sec. Wouldn't they have the power though, to keep records of that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If that happens, maybe have his car towed out of their lot. Yes. Okay. So in other words, as long as I never park at the Metro lot, I might be okay. Yes. But wouldn't it be any Metro lot, at least within the district of North Hollywood? Anywhere within LA County, because they have a, they have a database that goes, well, I mean, actually within probably five counties because they also have the Metro link systems under there. So they have like a five County area. I'm telling you, Sal, it's not worth it. No, no, no, no. I just wanted to know, see, because actually, you know, I got the ticket. This is what they did. My registration expired the end of August. They gave me this ticket on September 1st. I mean, come on, have a heart. Give me a grace period of a few days at least. Who wrote this guy? This guy is Avila. He's a Latino. This is a Latino on Latino crime. And he should have been able to discern that you're a Latino too, by looking at your car with all its trinkets hanging from the rear view mirror. He should have seen my Virgin Mary statue on the dashboard. He would have known. The velour lining on the seats. Actually, I have a new thing. Only, you can only enforce the law with your own race to prevent complaints. So. Yeah, but inevitably somebody will come along and go. I can only cite white people. I can't arrest anybody of a different race. Inevitably somebody will come along and be like, no, no, no, he's El Salvadorian. I'm Mexican. I got one eight, one eight black blood in me. You can't touch me. Let me ask this question. Something we've always wanted to know, of course, by watching television and movies is that I commit a crime within the county of Los Angeles. I run from law enforcement or drive away. I cross the boundary. I cross the line into the other county. I turn around and go, la, la, la, la, la, la, out of your jurisdiction. You guys got to go, damn. Is that true? No, no, no. It's called the. Hot Pursuit Act. I could take, legally, I can chase you to Puerto Rico on the plane and everything. If you're in hot pursuit, there's no, there's nothing to stop you. Movies have lied to us. They have lied to you. How do you handle this, Cliff? Let's say you start an investigation, right? You're investigating an individual. For some reason, he decides to move his operation to Riverside, the Inland Empire, which is out of LA County, if I'm correct, right? Yeah, yeah. So he lives here in LA, but every day he gets in his car, him and his criminal cronies, and they go to their meth lab, let's say in Riverside. How do you deal with that situation where everyone is based in the county? And so technically it's your investigation, but their actual base of operations is outside of LA County. They just cooperate with the other agencies and they get together and then they, there's a way of actually combining all of the crimes into one case that they file with the district attorney at a certain level. And so that's how they do it. And then there's task force that specifically handled multi-jurisdictional criminals who, you know, who hop around and do a lot of the work. And then there's the police. And then there's the police. And then there's the sheriff's department, which is here to do all these crazy things all over the place. Cliff, how do you, how do you guys mesh? How, how does the LAPD cooperate with the sheriff's department or are there like softball games like, you know, LAPD versus sheriff's department? How do you guys get along? You know, it's so weird, especially with me working the transit, because we have the contract for the red line, the gold line, the blue line. And if you notice all those lines go through all throughout Los Angeles, and now we have the contract for the city buses. So the MTA said, we're going to have the sheriff. So sometimes there's arguments like, we're Like it could be at the corner down here. Somebody gets shot. So LAPD and we'll be there together. Listen, was he on the bus when he shot or did he shoot from the stop? Because if he shot from the street, that's yours. If it's on the bus, that's ours. What if the victim got shot and tumbled out of the bus? Oh, shit. Now we're all screwed. They had a situation like two weeks ago where Cedars-Sinai, a guy jumped out of a window. He broke stop, hit somebody. Then he ran and he jumped on a bus. And then we got the bus stopped. And LAPD goes, well, he's on a bus. It's yours. And then he got off the bus. You threw it back to him. You get back on the bus. You get back on the bus. It became a who's on first sketch, you know? It's kind of weird with the metro because we're in the middle of L.A. So you'll see sheriff's cars driving around all the time. I'm always at 7th and Metro or I'm right down around the corner at the different subway stops. But the subways are ours. And then up on the street level is LAPD's. So even though you're from the East Coast, do you consider yourself a Los Angelian now? No, I kind of consider myself East Coaster just because of my attitude and everything else. If you'll notice, I can't really even talk this way. When I'm talking to the public, I have to slow down. Automatically, I'm a smart ass. I'm speaking too fast. I didn't hear the guy. And then he hit me. So I got to talk like West Coast. Or speak Spanish. Do you know any Spanish? Absolutely. Your wife is Cuban. She's Cuban. But I learned all the good stuff in the ghetto. I learned this. It's number nine. Yo quiero hamburguesa con queso solamente y nada más. Papas fritas y Coca-Cola grande. I can order a cheeseburger with nothing else on it. A Coke and fries. And also I can say, donde es Copeta? Where's the chocolate? Always got to laugh in the ghetto. Always got to laugh. Always got to laugh. How does Cliff Yates speak Spanish better than me? Born in Los Angeles of Mexican descent. Hey, let me ask you. Do you have any children? Do you have any half Puerto Rican children? I have. Or half Cuban, rather. Half Cuban. My wife has three boys from another marriage. And so I convinced them. They're so great kids. I convinced them that when you're stepkids, I could kill you. I don't know. Are they going to go into law enforcement? Or comedy? One just came on. One just came on to the sheriff's department. It's funny. His dad's LAPD. He came on the sheriff's department. And now the middle son, he's getting ready to come on too. Wait. Your wife's ex-husband was an LAPD. Now she's with you, a sheriff. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Are there cop groupies? Is that? Yeah. What do they call them? Badge bunnies? You see it on TV? Come on. Is that what they got? Yeah, they got them. Well, you know what's funny? I have an audition periodically as an actor. And I put on a cop uniform. And I notice people seem to respect me more. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes. Well, you know, I'm not trying to bust anybody. But I do notice like if I go into a store, people will kind of. They just treat me differently than when I'm dressed like that. I like this. I notice that. Listen, this is how it is nowadays. Because the criminals know you got rules and everything else. If you're at a gas station, let's say, and these gang members surround you, they're going to rob you. You pull out a gun. Hey, fucker. At that point, you're a crazy bastard with a gun. As soon as you say, hey, I'm a cop, they're all over you. They know you got rules. Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Fucking shoot me? Yeah. You're in worse shape when you say you're a cop. Do they ever say, drop the gun, fool? Drop the gun. Let's go toe-to-toe, Holmes. Take that badge off and we'll see who's the real. Take off the badge, fucker. Take it off, Holmes. They say it all the time. They say it all the time. Cliff, thanks so much for joining us and sharing. I have a hundred more questions I would love to ask you, but we're running a little low on time. This has been great, guys. Thanks for having me. No, you're welcome to stick around for the rest of the show here. We just got to take care of our one mainstay. Well, we definitely. Listen, you're still a part of the show. I want you to chime in after this. I'd love to hear your guys' opinion on this. Because this is time for Sal's Weekly Rant. Who is our sponsor, Chris? Our sponsor is Echoes Under Sunset. Jeff Eckers Happy Hour. This is a fantastic little show. I performed there last Tuesday. It's literally right under sunset in this little kind of storefront. You wouldn't even know there was anything there. A tiny little wine bar that opens up late at night. But a hell of a show, man. It feels like a Boston comedy club. Brick walls, low ceiling. I really had the time of my life. It's 1310 Glendale Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, 90026. Again, the bar is Echoes Under Sunset. And the show is Jeff Eckers Happy Hour. And that's every Tuesday night. It's at 8 p.m. Maybe Cliff can take us down there. He can throw us in the back seat and take us down to this Jeff Eckers. That would be a hell of a way to arrive at it. Just in the back seat of a cop car. I've done it. I've done it before. I shouldn't say that, but I've done that. You've gone to a comedy club with your cop car? No. You know Marco Asante. I've heard of him, yeah. Armando Asante, he's a comedian. And he works on his shows. He was a driver on a movie with Steve Carell. And I didn't know, but he was also driving Keira Knightley. So he says, come down here. We're in downtown. He goes, hey, we're going down to the set. Can we put Keira in the car and go down there? Yeah, put her in. I put the lights on. I drove right up to the set. Got her out. It was great. Keira Knightley. She is so hot. I got to hand it to you for driving her to this. I would have driven her to my home. Exactly. Yeah, this is where the station is. North Hollywood, right here. Ladies and gentlemen, life is full of choices. Abortion advocates call themselves pro-choice, taken from the Freedom of Choice Act of 1964. As a kid, I enjoyed Choose Your Own Adventure books, giving me the power to choose the fate of the characters. Jerry's famous TV show, Delia Restaurant in Los Angeles and Miami, has the largest menu I've ever seen. Their menu is a laminated 18-inch trifold with an endless assortment of foods. Their menu is way too fucking big. It's hard to decide. And can their chefs really be that good at everything? In his book, The Paradox of Choice, psychologist Barry Schwartz argues, eliminating consumer choices can greatly reduce anxiety for shoppers. Its core idea is that we have too many choices, which leads to greater confusion. Assuming Dr. Schwartz is high on the list of choices, and his hypothesis is correct, we humans can't handle too much choice. Is this why every four years, we only get two presidential candidates? We have the occasional Ross Perot or Ralph Nader, but in a nation of over 300 million people, you're telling me that only two men are fit to lead? Is that really much of a choice? In 2000, Ralph Nader, a presidential candidate on the ballot, was not allowed access to the debates. He was cock-blocked by the Commission on Presidential Debates, or CPD, an organization created by, and run by, Democrats and Republicans. The CPD effectively and successfully disallows any third-party candidate to receive airtime, leaving us with two candidates, a donkey and an elephant. The Academy Awards gives us five choices for best actor. Miss America gives us 53 choices. If we had several choices for president, would we just stand slack-jawed in the ballot booth as confused as me in front of a Jerry's Deli's menu? I want real choice. Two funded and sponsored men in a nation of over 300, 300 million people is not choice. I've grown sick and tired of voting the lesser of two evils. Isn't it time we as a nation are allowed real choice, or would we not be able to handle it? That is Sal's weekly rant. I'd love to have you guys chime in. Chris and Cliff, what do you guys think about that? Good point. I think you should have more choices. I'm with you. All right. Cliff agrees wholeheartedly, apparently. For once in my life, a law enforcement officer and I are on the same page. Yeah, I agree with you. And it's a conditioning and it really sucks. Somebody posted something on Facebook. It's a meme. And I know for the most part, Facebook memes are just dopey nonsense, but it made a good point. He said, what about all candidates work with the same amount of money? They're given a certain amount of time to discuss their platform during debates. And when they lie, they get buzzed. Literally, they... Or how about electrocuted? Yeah, and I agree with that. It's people, I think, in this country believe that that's legitimate. Oh, well, of course we have two choices. No, you only believe that's legitimate because that's always what's been offered to you. Yeah, we're spoon-fed. Just like we're spoon-fed the latest cute Disney pop star, we're spoon-fed the candidates. And we just sit back and go, oh, well, there it is. There's our choices. If you followed, not so much in recent months, but I remember a long time ago, when discussion of the upcoming elections first began, people were talking a lot more about Ron Paul and what he was doing, how well he was doing. And the debates. But this guy has been delegitimized by the mainstream media. And don't mistake me for some Ron Paul advocate. I'm not gonna go on a rant here. I'm just saying that he is a legitimate, he has a legitimate track record. And he's the most consistent politician I have ever heard of. Yeah. Hey, listen, that was the end of Sal's Weekly Rant. Thanks for chiming in, you guys. Listen, I wanna get into our next segment, which we had to skip last week. And this is greatest disappointments. This is where Chris and I go back in our lives. And hopefully we have time to have Cliff involved in this. We wanna know the time frame of your life when you had high expectations only to be completely disappointment. Disappointment? Disappointed. Greatest disappointments. Chris, go ahead. Big break, big bust, Sal. That's what I call this. I was 19 years old. I had just gotten into performing, right? I got a job as an extra on a movie called Out of Sight with George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez. I was thrilled. Then I was disappointed that all I was doing was basically walking up and down the same street in Miami all day long. Until I was 19, until just a chance happening. A guy grabs me by the sleeve. Turns out to be like an assistant director or something. And he says, listen, come here for a second. You're just gonna walk in front of this phone booth. Every time we yell action, you just walk in front of this phone booth. I was like, all right, no big deal, right? Well, it turns out this is the scene, if you've seen the film, where, oh, who's the short Mexican guy? Tremendously successful actor. He played Pechanga in Carlito's Way. He was on Oz. Hideous to look at. Oh, Luis Guzman. Luis Guzman, yeah. He calls George Clooney's girlfriend, but he calls her from a pay phone. So that scene is what was filming. And I was literally crossing within inches of him every time they'd yell action. And I go, my God, I'm gonna be in a movie. You're gonna be able to see my face. I'm walking right in front of this guy. So I wait a few months for it to come out, right? I'm gonna meet my best friend and his girlfriend at the movie theater downtown. My car breaks down on the way there in like the worst neighborhood in Fort Lauderdale. Months pass by, I've gone to college. I rent the film on VHS. Pop it in, call my roommates into the room. I go, guys, guys, I'm in this movie. You're gonna see my face. Finally, it gets to my scene, right? Luis Guzman is all of 5'2". I'm about 6'1". So all you see is my stooped shoulders walking by. I mean, it was so embarrassing. I literally called these, insisted that they run up to my room so that they could see this scene. And I still had the shirt to prove it. I opened my closet and I showed them, look, it's the same shirt. You can see the shirt that I'm wearing in that film. And your girlfriend started actually putting her clothes back on. Right, yeah. The girls that were there waiting to give it up to this movie star. No. Yeah, so that was a big break, big bust right there. Chris Z, greatest disappointments. Mine happened like this. In junior high school, Sepulveda Junior High School, here in the San Fernando Valley, just a suburb of, what is it, north of Los Angeles. I used to play the violin. And it was the only thing that I really cared anything about in junior high school. So we had our winter concert coming up. And I put on my sweatshirt as we would put on before the winter concerts. It was a white sweatshirt that I think Sepulveda Junior High Orchestra on it. I show up at the concert. Hello, Mrs. Gregory, I'm here for the concert. And she says, no, no, didn't you get the message or whatever it was. You can't be here. You can't be. I said, what do you mean I can't be here? She said, your grades are too low in your other classes. So you can't participate in the concert. And I'll tell you, that was a moment. There are many, I mean, believe me, I love this topic because in that moment, I felt a piece of me die. And that is when my downward spiral in education started. But my heart was broken because just because my grades were low in the other class, I could not participate in the class that I really cared about. If I was a filmmaker, you would see that scene. That scene would fade out. And the next thing you'd be in a prison cell. Exactly. In the next scene, I would be in jail. Being whipped by Cliff Yates with his baton. That's what I would be doing. That was my greatest disappointment. Junior high school, Sepulveda Junior High. Cliff, what do you got? You got a greatest disappointment for us? Yeah, and I would say if I was a filmmaker, I would do that and I would have Louise Guzman play you. And Chris would walk behind you and it would be a hit. You know what? 1977, you're correcting me if I'm wrong, 76, 77, July, Rochester, New York, 25 minutes from my little hometown. Elvis Presley's coming. I drive down to get tickets. The lines are full. I'm walking around the fucking block and I go, son of a bitch, I'm not gonna wait in this line. You know what? I'm gonna come see him next year. The fucker dies in August that fucking year. Why didn't I fucking see him, you know? I did the same thing with Frank Sinatra. He dies. Now at least I went and saw Don Rickles. So, you know, I made up for it. You missed your one opportunity to see Elvis in concert. Yes, I did. Yeah. And now here you are visiting us at Skid Row Studios with an empty whiskey bottle behind Chris. Well, if the tabloids are to be believed, Cliff, then you can still see Elvis. You just gotta roam the countryside, stop at 7-Elevens, look for fried, you know, just listen for somebody ordering, you know, fried chicken with, you know, banana sandwiches. I recognize that voice anywhere. Who's that guy in the corner? He probably weighs 300 pounds by now. I think he's gonna be reincarnated. I'm pretty sure. Cliff, tell us where we can catch your act or is there a website where our fans can visit? Please, come to cliffyates.com. I got my own website. I'm on the Facebook. I produce a lot of my own shows. So watch. I open for Mike Marino around the country when I can. I'm getting ready to film a new DVD. This is a big show. It's gonna be February 7th at the El Portal Theater on Lancashire. Wow. Yeah, three camera shoot. There goes all my money, life savings. So watch for that. Two free passes for Chris and I. Obviously, you guys, you already booked me, so I gotta pay you back. So I appreciate you having me and let me promote my stuff. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Cliff, for joining us. Hey, let's get to the show. Listen, here's my idea. How about a show, Cops and Criminals? You have criminal comedians and cop comedians. Actually, when I do the show with Mike Marino, it's called the Cop and the Con Show, and that's how we promote it. Was Mike Marino a con? Yeah, he is a con. He is a con, man. He's in East Coast, yeah. How did you get mixed up with him? Mike is a comedy legend, and I strongly recommend if anybody gets a chance to see him, that they do so. I mean, this guy's a veteran. You just get the sense listening to him. He could talk for three straight hours of just A material, you know? Chris, where are you going to be? You're going to be doing some comedies coming up soon, right? I'm going to be at the Capri tonight in Eagle Rock, California. Yes. So if you happen to be wandering through Eagle Rock looking for something to do, it's a free show. No, but I've heard good things about it. I've heard it's fun. It's my first time there, so it's a local show. Nice, and tomorrow evening, I will be at the Gene Autry Western Heritage Museum in Griffith Park in Los Angeles, California, across the street from the Los Angeles Zoo. We want to thank Nick Chacon, our sound engineer. We want to thank Wes Hambright, Orange Dog, and Chris. Thank you, Orange Dog Music, for providing some music for us. And Jeff Eckers, Comedy Under Sunset show. Yes, thank you. Sponsoring Sal's weekly rant. We do appreciate that. Chris, do you have any parting words before we sign off? Oh, yeah, follow me on Twitter. Wow. You know me. You know I'm an old man, Sal, but I've finally given in. I've finally surrendered to Twitter. I know it's a way to get myself out there, so I'm trying to post stuff as regularly as possible. I'm ChrisZ34. Again, that's Chris, letter Z, 34, on Twitter. I, too, have a Twitter, but I haven't even touched it in so long, so I forgot what my handle is. I think it's like S Rodriguez Los Angeles or something like that. Next week, I will have my Twitter handle and we'll start tweeting. What is your little picture that accompanies your handle? I don't think. I think I took a picture of my penis or something. Cliff, are you on Twitter? At Comedy Cop. Yeah, I'm on Twitter. I'm on it. You guys are tweeting. I am not tweeting. I need to get on the bandwagon. And listen, we want to thank everybody for listening to our show, Registered Ear Offenders, every Friday, 1 p.m. Pacific, we want to thank our global listeners out there in Argentina and Pakistan. Thank you for listening to our show. I am Sal Rodriguez. Our guest, Cliff Yates, here today. Chris Z, say goodbye. Goodbye, guys. Thanks for listening. Goodbye. Thank you. See you next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. We appreciate you staying tuned, and be sure to check us out on iTunes where you can download the show, put us into your phone, listen to us as you are driving, but remember, stay hands-free because Cliff Yates is watching you. Or like us on Facebook. Or like the Registered Ear Offenders page on Facebook. All right, everybody, have a great afternoon, have a great weekend. I have got so much, so much to worry about. I am stepping up and never calming down. I am stepping up now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now