Zebra in truck, strip club death, genital feast

We do an all new episode of Bad Advice. Thank you for joining us here at Skid Row Studios. If you're ready, write down this number. If you want to call, if you have a question for us, or if you just want to join in the conversation, whichever it is, call us here at 800-893-9562. Again, call us here at Skid Row Studios at 800-893-9562. I'm joined every week with a panel of very funny individuals. Over in the corner, we have Eli King, a very, very funny young lady. Thank you, Eli, for joining us. This is a big deal. This is our first time with ovaries in the room. It is our first time with a lady, and yet it's not going to change what we say. No, not my first time with a lady. We also have Vic Cohen, a very funny young lady. Hello, Vic. Thank you for joining us. No ovaries here. Thank you. Ken August. Not since the surgery, no. Ken August, a good friend of mine, very funny man, who hosts the weekly wrap-up here every Sunday, so make sure you tune in to his show. We also have Vince Royale, funny comic. Thank you, Vince. And over in the corner there, we have Mr. Ron Swallow. Oh, yeah. That's right. That's his real name. I am your host, Drew Marks. We are here. We will take questions on any subject at all. We will also offer advice to people I feel need it but didn't ask. All right. Our first story this week is this one I actually really like. Bring it on. Let's do it. This one, this is a gentleman named Gerald Ryder, 55. Apparently, police in Dubuque, Iowa, responded to an unusual call this week. There were reports of a zebra and a parrot in the front seat of a truck. That's all right. It's already funny. Here's the great part. This man was arrested for drunk driving, and he had a zebra and a parrot in the front seat of his truck. What kind of truck was that? It was a big truck. Was it Walt Disney driving by any chance? How do you get a zebra to get into your truck, period? I've tried. You get candy. Oh, candy. This is the best part of the story. What was the other animal? $175. A zebra and a macaw parrot. A zebra not having a seatbelt on, by the way. But this is what Gerald told the cops. He says, I took them because the zebra and the parrot enjoy going for rides in his truck, and they like going with me to the bar. I think that's obvious. I get that. Now, the thing is, what I find fascinating about this story is, this zebra and parrot were actually seen by other people, not just the drunk guy in the truck. Yeah. You know what the problem with this story is? If I were the cop, I would interview the parrot, because it's going to talk. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. I mean, that's not a good, you don't want a parrot, you know, in a crime scene. I hope the zebra talks, too. Well, that would be, that would be cool. Now, why wasn't the zebra at least, I mean, the guy should have at least gone with, like, you know, it's the designated driver. I wonder if he picked the zebra up at the bar. When the guy got arrested, did they let the zebra drive the car home? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. What city is this? What city? This is, that's the other thing, Dubuque, Iowa. Oh, yeah. They definitely let him drive home. This is one of the zebras in Dubuque, Iowa. Well, he probably took it from the zoo. I mean, it must have been, it must have been an illegal zebra. Illegal zebra. Plus, it was in a car. It could have come from another state. Immigrant from Africa. Who knows how long it's been traveling in that car. You think when it's drunk, it talks shit to lions? Can you drive in the carpool lane? Absolutely. Yeah, for sure. It makes sense to me, because, you know, zebra, they're known to be indigenous to Iowa. And the passenger seat. They're known to be indigenous to the passenger seat. Indigenous to trucks. I'm just glad you said it. It's their natural habitat. So what happened, what happened when, when he got pulled over? Did they have to, you know, did they impound the car? What happens, the animals? Did they take him home on a leash? The parrot rode the zebra home. I'm pretty sure that's. Well, it says when officers arrived on the scene, they stopped Ryder in the parking lot as he was driving away. The field sobriety test found he had a blood alcohol level of 1.4. Holy shit. Yeah. Nice. This guy was toast. Yeah. He says, he says the zebra and the macar like their children and do everything with them. Yeah, I bet they do. Everything. Let's just go straight to the zebra fucking right now. You know what that's about. We're going to search your car. Is there anything in there we want, you want to tell us about first? There's a zebra and maybe a couple of other animals. Was the zebra drunk too? What was the blood alcohol? It's definitely drunk. It doesn't say if they tested the zebra, but it does say that the man disputes the drunk driving charge saying he realized he was too drunk to drive and was about to let the passenger take the wheel when he was arrested. No way. The zebra? Did you add that in or is that true? No, this is in there. He says he was about to let the passenger take the wheel and yet it says the only three occupants in the car were him, a zebra, and the macaw. He tried to and the zebra was like, fuck it, I'm not taking the wheel. Dude, I'm not taking the wheel. There's no way. He was like, I'm way too drunk to drive. The zebra was like, no man, I've had too much. Yeah, zebra has a warrant out. He's not getting behind it. The parrot's like, I don't have opposable thumbs, asshole. All right, well, that's that story. Moving on to the next one. My advice, by the way, for that guy would be get a monkey. Yeah. Monkeys can ride. They can take the wheel. They can. That's cool. A big monkey, obviously. I mean, that advice might be a big monkey. That might be a good advice. We can't get the little tiny monkeys. They can't drive. Orangutan. That's the worst reported story ever. Get a better driving monkey. Yeah, and they're great drinking buddies. It's just the worst reported story ever. I mean, they don't address why there's a zebra in Iowa. I know. It's the worst story recording I've ever seen. They did leave out some key things, but if I have any advice, bad advice at all, I think it's for the zebra. It's like, you know, step up. Seriously, if you like going to the bar, be willing to drive. Exactly. Farm animals, don't live. And people drive drunk. Is that the thing? Farm animals, don't let owners drive drunk. You know what? But it wasn't a farm animal. It's a wild animal. I think the zebra needs to get better friends. That's true. That's a good point. All right. Our next story, this one, this is kind of happy and sad, I think, at the same time. As the article says, they say you should go out doing what you love. Well, a 67-year-old Texas man may have taken that inspirational advice to heart Friday when he died at a strip club where he was a kid. While getting erotic lap dances. I have jokes about that. Do you? Yeah. Well, it's going to help you. Well, about, about he died doing what he loves to do. The man's name was Robert Gene White, and it says he was face deep in pelvic gyrations, but when it came time to pay the girls, he was found unresponsive. The boss said, how'd you do? She said, killed him. Hey, at least she left him stiff. You know she got stiff. Now, before they carry the body out, can she be like, he promised me $25 tip? Like, how do you? That's the only way you're going to get out of paying up for a lap dance is you're going to have to die. I don't know. It's quite expensive. It's a tough call. I mean, I figured it was probably pretty good for her self-esteem. As the rigor mortis said, and she was got to be thinking, I am so good at what I do. Yeah. The sex stories are going to like, no one's going to ever be able to compare to that. Like, oh yeah, I made this guy come 14 sex. Really? I killed a motherfucker. Killed the man. Yeah. I wonder if this song was finished. I hope he was married. I wonder if this song was finished. His family wants half the song's worth of the money back. Did you hear Vic? He's like, I hope he was married. Like, wait a second. I hope he was married and they called his wife and she was pissed. Yeah. She's like, what was, what was, what the fuck's the guy's name? He's like, his wife is like, she never had a schedule. Gentleman's name was Robert Gene White. First of all, I think, I think strip clubs are wrong. I really do. Do you really? They abuse women. Wow. I think they have set a new record. Go ahead, Vic. No, and I think that if this guy died and it was, you know what, he kind of had it coming. no, no. Seriously? No, seriously. Seriously? I think, I think that strip clubs abuse women. They do. Yeah, I agree. These are vulnerable women and, you know, men abuse women. You're going to get rid of them? What? Not all men abuse women. I don't think it's the right way to behave. Of course, I weigh 130. I think, I think strip clubs are manipulative. I think they take advantage of women. And men, actually. And men. And lonely men. Yeah. No, no, no. Totally. I disagree. Take advantage of men? Yes. Most of those women hate men. Of course. You were a stripper for how long? But, Eli was never at her. I do want to bring Eli into this conversation. As the lone woman here, what's your opinion? I mean, you know, she's the one who killed the guy. Whether or not, you know, I, whether or not he should have been in there and he was married, whatever, but. You think she killed him? Well, she did kill him. She killed him. He was dead after, right? They had to wheel him out. I don't know that you can say, shit. She murdered him. I think he died. He would not have. Seriously, that's like, the woman has a lethal vagina. He would still be alive today. He would still be alive today if she had not gyrated. What was the, what song was it too? Do we know? I'm a loser baby. I'm pretty sure it was, she's got the looks that kill. Oh, nice. I was on time at a strip club years ago when I indulged in such things. And, Were you a judgmental asshole back then? Hold on a second. I'm not a judgmental asshole. We could do, let's do research after this show. It's a known fact. These women are abused. These women come from homes. They've been touched in bad places. Yeah. Usually by people that should. in bad places. No, by people who shouldn't have touched them in bad places. You make a good point, Vic, because I've been touched in bad places and I've decided not to. That was in the last five minutes. Yeah, you did stand up comedy instead, dude. Yeah. Ron, keep your hands off him. I can't resist him. You know, it never made me want to go out and dance. It just. Yeah, I think, I think this, if you are going to a strip club, you know, it's what we call karma. All right. Wow. Wow. That's deep. I one time went to a strip club. This is when I indulge in such things, Eli. And. He's so anti it until the next set. No, no, this was a long time ago. This was a long time ago. And it was, I saw it was in West LA and the woman, I was so excited because she, it was a woman I'd seen in a magazine. And, you know, I was kind of starstruck. And I got her alone and it was the worst experience. The worst experience of my life. Yeah. He gave me a lap dance and she farted. And, yeah. That's why you hate strippers. That's why you don't like strip clubs. It had nothing to do with her. And how much extra did you. Feeling degraded and. No, she farted. It was a silent fart. And I know it was her because there's no one around and it wasn't me. And she's smiling and gyrating. Well, she's basically shitting in my face. I don't like that. I can tell you for sure. Do you have any idea how much extra I have to pay for that? I can tell you for sure that three times I've been to a strip club were all weird and uncomfortable. My, the one was my best friend's wedding. What are you guys doing so wrong? Is my question. Because it's an illusion, Drew. It's fake. They don't really like you, Drew. They really don't like you. Also, Vic goes in with change. I don't have that illusion. If I go to Hooters, I don't think the waitress wants me either. But I'll still eat the wings. I was going to say, I was going to say, when I, when I used to, when I used to go to strip clubs when I was young because I was really bad with girls, I was like, I could see tits without talking to anybody. Like, that's the way I looked at it. I didn't do, I didn't get dances. Thank you, Vic. That is disgusting. You can look at tits right here without talking to anybody. Who wears a sweater under their shirt? Seriously, we invite Eli to the show and Vic takes his shirt off. How can he be so bald and hairy at the same time? That's unbelievable. He's talking to Eli right now. There's a lot of hair around his nipples. She's, the first chest with a ponytail. Eli, are you glad you came here today? Eli, put your shirt on. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled. Vic. That was exciting. What is the exact opposite of aroused? Yeah, the funny, the funny, the funny thing is you're jealous and the truth is that women love my love rug and I would say that. Your love rug? Yeah, that's what it's called. I now love your love rug. And I guarantee you that this young lady here probably is turned on. She wouldn't admit it. She'll probably act grossed out. Maybe for the rest of her life. But I guarantee you like. Bam. Oh yeah. Vic, you just ruined my day. God damn it. Dude, that's better than mine. I have nipple hair that are like three inches long and then no hair anywhere else pretty much. Yeah, you gotta pluck those. Terrible. When you have a comb over, that starts from your nipple. I was gonna say, let it grow and just cover the spaces you need. I trim it up. Women love my love rug. I don't want to shave. For those who are listening, Vic just flashed us his hairy nipples. Oh, and Ron combs up from the nipple. I could. Actually, you know, we are videotaping the show. You should probably get that on tape so we can post it on the website. Here we go. Here we go. Women love this. Go to Bad Advice. Women love this. Bad Advice on Facebook. They do. They love it. Like us on Facebook and YouTube and see Vic's hairy nipples. It's humanshagcarpet.org. That was impressive. Thank you. That was impressive. Thank you. Ron against it. There's a small family of birds nesting in there. Ron understands. There's a small family of birds nesting in there. There's a family of swallows. But the birds are ostriches. That's the problem. Why is it that as men an ostrich could live in there in Lady, particularly these guys, why is it that they have to feel like Ron, I'm impressed by you. By what? By the fact that you see like the strip clubs are abusing women and that Well, you know why? Objectively. Objectively. I went to one when I was younger and back at home when I went back home I went and did comedy out here moved back here and then went to Albuquerque where I'm from and when I went to a strip club there was a girl who came on stage who I went to school with and that girl first off her name was Mercedes. I'm not saying anything. She was destined for the strip club. Yeah, pretty much. But then she came and talked to us and every cliche that you could possibly I mean she told me she just got out of rehab. She had four kids from three different dads and I heard a new from school that her dad had been beating the shit out of her because she'd been trying to get away from her dad in high school so it was like it made the reality not hot anymore. Pretty much now when I go there all I see is touched by dad you know. May I say this? I know this isn't funny by the way. By the way, yeah. If you want to start reciting some scenes from Schindler's List that would also be funny. Yeah. Welcome to the comedy show, guys. Sorry, I got serious, guys. Sorry, guys. This is real life. But well, then you're at the wrong place. But let me just at least then say this on those lines real quick is that woman was a horrible stripper by the way. If you paid for a lap dance and she sits down and tells you daddy issues that's not good. Well, she's my friend. She was my friend. I knew her from high school. But she still paid for a lap dance. Yeah. I didn't pay for anything. She just came and sat with us to hang out because she recognized me because I look exactly the same. It's like separation of church and state. Do you mind if I grind you while I tell you all the bad things going on in my life? That's an awkward experience. I don't know. I just go back to these women can make like 600 bucks a night. A thousand. 1,200. Soak in hookers. Yeah. Also, do you have a problem with them? Do you have a problem with them? I do actually. I don't have any stories about those people. I've never disliked the guy that I like so much. Vic's actually a good person. That's the problem. We'll move on to a lighter subject. Well, I can't say lighter subject. Not for this one. But actually, it's just the opposite. Georgia Davis is a 19-year-old woman in England who apparently weighed 840 pounds. Wow. A woman? They had to. A woman. She's still going to get laid. Absolutely. She has a vagina. She has a vagina? At 840, she's probably got like eight of them. It doesn't matter. You can fuck just about any part on her body and it would be wet and awkward. I'm waiting, Vin. Come on, Vic. Don't disappoint me. I'm waiting for the I'd do it. No, I'm waiting for more. Okay. More? 840 pounds is not enough? Tell me more. Do you want more? What's the story? All right. The story. Emergency workers needed to take this obese teenager from her home and had to break through a wall of the residence just to get her out and into an ambulance. Wow. But that was not enough. They had to erect scaffolding to roll this woman down. If that doesn't embarrass you into maybe at least a diet. You know, the weird part is she actually ate the scaffolding on the way down. Fudge scaffolding. As much as it's not really even eating as much as she just absorbed it. Look, I did a little math and I was told there'd be no math in the show, but that's only 44 pounds a year she gained. That's fine. That's fine. That's normal, isn't it? 44 pounds from like day one? From day one, she starts. Well, you gotta, you start early. I want to know who the enablers are. Yeah. At 840 pounds? That would be Ronald McDonald. Yeah, because your parents feed you for the first. Burger King. Yeah, your parents definitely feed you for the first, you know. So basically, she has shitty parents. That's what we've just found out. The mother must have, enormous breasts. It's a miracle she's not a stripper. Someone would pay for that. They would, you're right. The truth is, there are men who do, they're called chubby chasers and they will probably find her quite attractive. It's a little beyond chubby. Yeah, I think a little bit. 840 pounds. Do you think there's like a 500 pound woman that's going, I can't believe she let herself go. I'm still hot. I had a skinny bitch walk out of my house. I've never been with a woman that heavy. I don't know. I mean, I think very, few people have. Nobody has. Sounds like, sounds like tons of fun. Well, my buddy's all hooked up with an 800 plus pounder. No, that didn't, that didn't happen outside of Moby Dick. That doesn't happen at all. You gotta think like her vagina must weigh like 50 pounds. How do you weigh a vagina? Well, like the whole, like the out part, outside part. You can weigh, you can weigh titties though. What is it? What is it? Cum and Tupperware? The outside part? Is it Mr. Potato Vagina or what is it? It comes off? I don't want to get to, I don't want to get to, I don't want to turn any of our listeners on by saying the technical words. The labias. Labia. 50 pound labia? Is that what you're coming with? Probably the menorah and the majora are really heavy. Wait, here's the crazy part. What if the menorah? At that point, they're both majora. What if you fucked this girl and she had a tight vagina? Like, you don't know. It hasn't been used. How would you possibly get to that? Yeah, that's a good point. You'd have to map I couldn't lift up most of that. Yeah. You put it on Facebook. You are here. Eli looks disgusted by this whole thing. Oh, God. I am here. You put it on Facebook. Check in. Eli, what do you weigh? 110, if that? That's about two labias. 100? This girl is eight of you. Eli is very petite, very cute. Eight of you. There's eight of you and her. She ate eight of you. But like you said, the enabler is like she's living at home and at one point, she became bedridden at what? 500, 600 pounds? So her parents or who else? Was it a grandma? I don't know. But someone's still spending thousands of dollars a week. Shoveling food into the bed. I mean, liquefy. I don't know what they're putting in a blender. Like, that's work. That's upkeep to have to reach that level. Yeah, when you don't know, when you can't leave the room to go get your food because you're not perfectly rectangular shaped to fit through the door. If you can't fit through a door, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Then at some point, somebody should go, maybe we should do something here. Yeah, like let's, I don't know. My advice is to any parent out there. My advice is, seriously, once you've crossed that, I don't know, 300 pound mark, start walking. It's, yeah. It's time to cut off the food supply. What's going through their minds? They're like, yeah, you know, she can't get out of bed. You know, we can't get in and out of her room because there's just freaking, you know, body mass everywhere. But don't worry. When it gets to the point where it's, you know, no turning back, someone will just bust down a freaking wall and like, you know, drag her out. I think she still has a boyfriend. The parents are as sick as her. Oh, she's such a healthy eater. The parents are as sick as her. Yeah. That's the problem. They don't say how big the parents are. I'm pretty sure she has this old convict that wants love. Yeah, there's some convicts like I can't wait to get out and fuck them. That's a good hiding place if you get out there. Hey. Are you harboring a fugitive under that, under that flab? 19 years old, too. That's the crazy part. I know. Do you think she went to the prom? 35 years. I think she ate the prom. I already did my math for the show, but I'm pretty sure if she makes it to 40, she's going to be a couple of thousand pounds. Yeah. 44 pounds a year? Why'd she go to the hospital? What was it for? Fat, I would guess. I'm guessing, yeah. through the door? She had to hang out. They had to bust a wall out. Is that not enough explanation to go to the hospital? Yeah, I'm guessing they're putting that woman in. How about if she fit in an ambulance? That's what impresses me. I don't think you would. No, I bet you they put her in a truck or something. Maybe she sat on top of the ambulance like Grape Ape. You remember? They used to sit her, sit that big, you don't remember Grape Ape? No. The big cartoon where they sit the big truck? Yeah, they strapped rollerblades on her and got a tow truck. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it was probably I think it's like a flatbed truck. You know how they kind of just like haul you up that little ramp? What do you even get rollerblades? It's like when they moved King Kong. They chained her to something. Yeah. Probably. I don't think this woman's climbing anything. Oh, and her prom was actually had on her. if they just rolled her down the street, but it was actually the prom. Does the story say if she's a virgin? No. I'm guessing it would have to be. Again, bad reporting. You have to leave your house at some point to get fucked. I mean, no, no, no. Are you kidding? I'm sure it's one of the pizza guys. She's probably, if she was got horny, she probably just likes eating more than anything else. No, 840 pounds. She would have been like a black widow spider. Any guy that came into the room, she probably consumed. 840 is not big enough to not get her laid. Yeah, that's the sad part. Yeah. Because I wouldn't do it and I'm pretty fucked up. I'm going to go to our resident professional, Vic. I wouldn't touch her because I'm small. I mean, she'd fucking kill me. Yeah. She rolls over, I'm dead. On accident too. One roll effect. Hold on, hold on. She's not rolling anyway. Yeah, exactly. She's not. Ooh, let me get on top. One titty swings the wrong way. Bam, dead. I'm 130, man. That's eight. She's like eight of me. One big pendulum tit takes you out? Yeah. It'd probably only take one. It's probably 70 pounds per titty. You know what's sick about her and me as far as sexual things? I mean, like, she's probably never showered. She's so sweaty down there. How do you get in the shower? You can't masturbate. You can't get your arm around that. In 840, you can only be hosed down. Also, realize most of those people, they can't wipe their ass. You know, Eli, maybe... Okay, now this is getting disgusting. Eli, maybe you can help me with this. As a woman, because you're a woman, if you're that heavy, how do you get a tan? Yes, you are, as far as we know. How do you get a tampon in you when you're that big? You use an entire sheep. Eli, please. Oh, God. You know, we have to leave something. We have to leave some essence of mystery, so it's just... It's a mystery. We're going to let Eli off the hook on that when you move to our next... I'm thinking it's probably a sweaty... Can you order pink? Can I order pink? Can I order pink? Can I order pink? Can I order pink? Can I order pink? Can I order pink? Yeah, pretty sure. I need delivery. I need delivery about four inches south of here. It's got to be so sweaty, bloody. Okay, go ahead. Next one. Yeah, we're getting to move on. I'm eating some Oreo. At that point, you just stuff a sleeping bag down there. All right, gentlemen, our next story, because we're going to have to move on because we're going to have to get to questions. This man, this story truly amazed me. The man's name is Mao Sugiyama. Good name. Mao Sugiyama is a chef from Tokyo. Apparently, a self-described asexual gentleman from Tokyo cooked up, seasoned, and served his own genitalia to five diners at a swanky banquet in Japan. How big is this guy's genitals? That's a good question. All the eaters were also Asian, so the very small portions. He describes himself as asexual because he imprints faces that it is a way to show that he does not affiliate with either gender. He doesn't anymore. That's for sure. This was his tweet. He sent out something that said, I am offering my male genitals full penis, testes, and scrotum as a meal for 100,000 yen. I will prepare and cook as the buyer requests at the chosen location. Just days after his 22nd birthday, the artist underwent elective genital removal surgery, then divvied up the severed penis shaft, testicles, and scrotal skin, between five people, and garnished it with button mushrooms and Italian parsley. Oh my God. Who eats parsley? On April 13th, five of six diners who signed up for the 250-plate feast sat down for the dinner. A six-person was a no-show. First of all, how angry are you with the no-show at that point? If they used my dick, there'd be six people going hungry. This is an Asian guy. Exactly. Five people? I guarantee you. If it was a Jewish family eating, somebody's complaining about the portion right off the bat. He's just trying to... The whole point of this actual thing was just so he could ruin the stereotype. He's like, yeah, look, I served six people with my dick. Who has the small dick now, motherfuckers? This is not... I hope this was not at a Benihana. This was not at a Benihana where he's performing everything on the table. Cash by scroto. Yay! Slipped the ball at the guy over in the corner. Nice. Catch it in your cup. The guy catches it, and he puts it in his mouth. Yeah. My advice is if you want to get some exotic food, just go to like the Rainforest Cafe. Don't... You know, I don't think we need... You know, when we've gotten into this thing, it's like, I'll try and eat anything. No. It's okay to draw the line someplace. It's like fear factor. So you think dick is the drawing the line? Somewhere just before you get the dick. And I don't mean eating dick as in, you know, taking care of a BJ. I mean, literally. It's still attached. That's one thing. I respect his dedication and passion to culinary arts. You know, that guy is truly an iron chef. Yeah. I hope he didn't promise seconds because that's a one-time only meal is what I'm assuming. Did you like it? Good. Chicken next week. Exactly. You think it tasted like chicken? Yeah. Probably. But I was saying, I don't like if I... I hope he washed it well. If you ever find... That's what I was going to say. If you ever find a hair on your food, but now you didn't actually drop the food, but there's still a hair on your food, I'm good. I'm all right. You know what? I'll go to Jack in the Box. There's clearly a market for this because he had six people show... Well, only five showed up, right? Five showed up. The sixth was a no-show. You think he's like, I'm just not feeling like penis today. Can you imagine that phone call? Hey, man. I'm really sorry. I got food poisoning. Sorry I didn't make it, dude. I was running late. I hope you didn't make all of it. Like, I mean, how did you make that phone call? Were there any leftovers? Well, the weird thing is these things start in Japan and usually come out here. So you never know. Yeah, pretty soon this is going to be porn. This could be the thing. Well, that 100, 840-pound chick, she can serve a small village. She can serve more than six. That's what I'm saying. But this guy... Where did he find these people? Like, was there like a Japanese Craigslist thing? Put it online. He just tweeted it. He just tweeted it and these people responded. This is just from the Twitter. TakeEaters.org? Who responds to a tweet of would you like to eat my cookbook? Yeah, you know what, he got six people. One of them apparently was not trustworthy but he got five people to go, yeah. To Instagram? $250 a piece. You got to have a lot of followers because there's got to be, you know, what is it? One in a thousand people want to eat a dick? I don't know. One in 50 million, I hope. How much? 250 bucks? That's it? $250 a plate. I don't even want to think what a surfer deserves. And they call it, I like how they say it's a $200, $250 a plate feast. You know, this guy's like a... This guy's kind of like a prostitute because he made money off of his dick. There's something kind of hot about it. One time. He's on one time. Because he was in Japan, do you think like anyone was like an hour later, it's like, I'd like to eat some more penis. I think it's, there's an odd thing about this and I hate to say this because I'm being vulnerable, but I actually find this a little bit of a turn on. Yeah, you would. No, I mean, there's something naughty about it. You think? Yeah. You think there's something naughty about eating a man's balls? I mean, I'm not into guys. That's the word you're going to go with. Naughty. I find it naughty. It's very... Cannibalism usually is a little bit naughty. That's our side. You know what? Meat was tender. I didn't like the steak. It was like sauce. Yeah. How do you complain about that meal? What was this white sauce? I don't know. Where did this come from? You don't want to send it back because... Yeah. You know what? I'll get the fish. Yeah. My advice here, I think my best advice would be, it's like, if you're going to get your dining guide, don't get it from a tweet. Just like, go with like the Zagat guide or something like that. You know? What's also funny about the story is that they say in Japan, it's legal. You know, they just looked at all the laws. There's no law against this. Yeah. No, it's fine. I wonder how it was prepared. Was it baked? Is it mushrooms and Italian parsley? I would assume nobody figured they had to write a law about this. Well, do we need to write a law about a guy filleting his own dick and serving it to five people that want to eat dick? Yeah. No, we should be all right. Yeah. How often does that really come up? That's what I'm saying. I wonder if there's an aftertaste. Do you think this is a way to catch serial killers? Because that would be a great way. Like, if you were like, show up to eat someone's dick, there's something fucking wrong with you. That is a valid point. You pay for it. You pay for that meal? Yeah. Yeah, that's... It's clearly lucrative. I think we should find some imitation human dick me and just start, you know, as a thousand yen. I was going to say, what if he didn't even grab his own penis? What if he didn't even serve up his own dick? What if it was all fake? Nobody would even know. There's a lot of hesitation to go with this. There was nothing fake about the second serving. I see a business opportunity, Drew. All right. I see room for growth. I mean, orangutans... That's someone eating. That was well done, Eli. I try. I try. Let's make some money. Orangutans and pigs share the same type of organs that are similar to humans. I mean, they use pig hearts for human transplants. This is the second time today you've told me that information. I have no idea why you keep telling me about the pig heart. Why do you keep telling me about the pig heart? I don't know. I just know. He's thinking pig heart equals pig penis. Yeah. You want to sell pig dick? Was there a pig dick in this? Was there a pig dick on one? If people wanted to recreate that ingredient, they can substitute the human penis for the pig dick. Yeah, but it is very difficult to find a circumcised pig. Oh. Yeah. It doesn't have to be. It's not going to be a Jewish pig. We're going to move on to the next one. Okay, speaking of weird things. I've tried to eat my own dick. We covered that in like week one. Now, moving on. We have this story. It is not often that I will read a story three times and still not understand it, but I'm hoping you guys can help clarify this for me because this is just weird. This is a story about a guy named Stevie Cresselius, formerly known as Steve Cresselius, who apparently went into a Denver hospital for a kidney stone. When the ultrasound results came back, the lab technician then told the husband and father of six, and I quote, you're female. What? Yeah. Shit. It says, apparently the medical discovery that this man is intersex, born with a mix of anatomical sex traits, so that biological gender cannot be classified as either male or female. He's both? He's both. That's great. So wait, he does have a vag though? Nice. How does he not know? That's my question. How do you not know when you have a vag? What's his blood every month between my legs? But this guy, he's a father. Damn, I sound something. Every month. He's a father of six. This is beyond the... Did he give birth to them? He has both. Yeah, but you don't think you'd notice if you had both? No, external parts are probably male, internal, female. That's possible. Yeah, and that's what I'm talking about. You hear girls complain about their cramps, he thought he had a fucking cramp. Kidneys go, kidneys down. They're like, oh, it's your ovaries. Nope, you're pregnant. Yeah. We're not making this shit up. It's painful. It's a motrin. I've had so much sex with myself. Can you have sex with yourself? Is there a picture of him? Can you imagine how many people this guy can send? I know, but if he had sex with himself, that's pretty dangerous because he can get himself pregnant. That's not him. You know where you've been. You don't have to worry about it. That is him. I am the dad. This is a chick. Of course this guy's got a vagina. He looks like a chick. But this is after he started to embrace it. Now, there is a weird part to this. It looks like footsie. There's a weird part to this. It says, when I was 17, I was working my first part-time job at a TV station as a floor cameraman, and the person in charge said to me, you know, you walk like a queer. He said, I thought I was hiding who I was, but I guess I wasn't. The transition took time. Now, this is where it comes to what you were saying, Vic. Apparently, it was more than a year after Cresselius' trip to the hospital that she began wearing women's clothing in public. But apparently, the wife said it took some time to get used to the change. But now she and the kids are fine with it. Wow. Those kids are getting made fun of. Those kids are stripping. You think? Yeah. You think? Wow. You don't want them coming to parent-teacher's classes. Okay, and I don't want to be judgmental, but I'm going to be. That has to be a train wreck of a vagina if you thought it was a penis for all those years. Is that not how that works? Well, she's saying the vagina's inside. There is no vagina. What's inside? It's buried under the penis, I guess. It's buried. She's got ovaries. There's no opening? No, no, I think that the outside is the male penis organs, and then the internal is the ovaries. It's the reproductive. There's no way he could have known. Why does she have to dress like this? If you're going to become a woman, get hot. Maybe that wasn't an option. Can I see this picture? Get hot. I want to see the girl that picked wooden fuck. I mean, it's like a very ugly woman. If you're going to become a woman, get the best you can get for yourself. This woman, by the way, based on the last story, this woman can go to Japan and serve eight. Eight to 12. My advice is for the lab tech. Seriously, if you have a guy that comes in and says, I am a father of six, I've been married all these years, keep that information to yourself. What are you, you come out from the test and go? If it was me, don't tell me. I'm fine with my life. Things are interesting down there. Is that what you want from the doctor? If I were with a woman and I were married to her and I found out she were a man, she'd be gone. Yeah. Just done. Yeah, that's the good thing. Wait, wait, wait. Way to draw the line, Vic. Six children later, a whole lifetime together. It's done. Really? Yeah. Well, how would you not, it wouldn't work as well with a girl because how would you not know she had a baby? So you're going to sit down with your wife and you're going to say, look, Henry, this is not working out. Vic won't stay with anyone with hairier nipples than him. No, I won't. If you date a bear, he'd be fine. I'm amazed that they stuck right together. I would. Yeah, that's pretty impressive. The wife not, like, oh yeah, sure, get a vag. And did he get a vag? Does it say that? Yeah. Not exactly, no. There is no line in that article that says, oh yeah, by the way, he went and got a vag. I'm amazed by people who stick by their spouses through stuff like that because I don't think I could do that. I'm amazed people who stick by their spouses through an argument. You have two adults in this story, though. You have the one adult who didn't know what sex the person was and you have the other adult who was married to the person who didn't know. Neither one of them probably have a shitload of other options, which is my choice. Yeah, yeah. That's my guess. Yeah. They're not the brightest. No. Where do they live? Does it say? Hopefully wherever we're not. Yeah, Mila Kunis isn't in this relationship going, you know what, I'm going to stick with this person. This is Denver, Colorado. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a great place to be. They're really liberal there. Very liberal. They hand out genitalia to everybody. Yeah. And when one's not enough, you can take two. All right, we've got time for one more quick story and then I've got to get to questions. So let's not spend a lot of time in this one, but this one was, I got this one right off Yahoo. It was pretty amazing. Did you guys see this? They're known as the worst parents of the week, but it turns out these were not the parents. These were the babysitters. Oh, no. This was at a laundromat. Did you guys see this story? No. The man apparently had his toddler and he opened up the door to the washing machine, put the toddler inside, closed the door and the washing machine locked and started. Oh, shit. Yeah. And the toddler was stuck in there so they obviously, they panicked and it took several minutes for them to get an employee to come who cut the power and they were eventually able to get this child out. How clean was the baby? Yeah, I know. That's the thing. I've heard of like washing your mouth out with soap, but this is like really going far. Yeah. Maybe he just didn't want to change the diaper. That's what I'm thinking. In their defense, maybe this was just a one-stop shopping, like let's clean it all at the same time. So what's the story? Well, the story is... Is that not enough? How does it end? What's the story? So it was the babysitter that did this and... Not the parents. I wonder if the parents found out. The video was online, so I'm guessing yes. There's a video online? And there was that whole little baby is kind of scraped up, but... When they cut the power, did they get their 75 cents back? Vic's about to start getting mad, by the way. I don't think... Vic hates clean babies. I have a horrible comment that I know is going to make Vic angry, but I hate to say this, but I will anyway. It was a black couple. Oh. Oh, no. Come on. I'm just thinking... You can't wash that off, Drew. Yeah. That's... Maybe they were just trying to go the budget Michael Jackson route. Were they separating colors and white? Like... No, I'm thinking, you know, bleach. No? Just a load of whites? No? Just me? Okay. All right. On to questions. Send your hate mail to Drew Marks. Dude, that's so weird that you would think, like, hey, what's the best place to let the kid hang out for a little bit? I know. In the washer. That's a cheaper than taking the kid to Disneyland. Rest the baby on that pile of heroin. It's a ride. I've seen a kid get in a dryer before and just, you know, when you're playing hide and seek. Himself? Or did you put him in? Yeah, a kid crawling into a dryer is one thing. A person going like... A grown-up putting him in and closing the door? It's a good hiding spot. Here we go. Hang on here. It's just like Splash Mountain. Hold on. Let me make you a sandwich. Let me put the baby in the oven real quick while I do some stuff in the kitchen. It's not a great idea. Is there a pile of razor blades I can put in this baby? My advice to babysitters is if you're going to put a baby in a washer, just make sure they wear a helmet. Is there a reason? In a few years, they're going to have low SAT scores. Knee pads too. Was there a reason that he did it? There's an explanation? He just thought it would be funny. Filthy baby. Really? Yeah. This is going to be hilarious. This is like the world's greatest babysitter. I need to go make out with my boyfriend for 20 minutes. You just sit here. Yeah, exactly. We want some us time. I bet the kid asked daddy and he was like, yeah, go ahead. All right. They probably tried to hide it too. The parents came home and they were like, how is everything? They were like, oh, yeah, he was an angel, you know, and then the babysitter leaves and the kid's like, I was in a dark place. The parents were probably okay because he smells remarkably fresh. There's maybe a four sock stuck to him. It's only used fabric softeners so the kid's soft. Four socks stuck to the kid's back for the next two weeks. All right. On to our questions. We've got several this week. We've got a question from a friend So this first one is, wow, I'm not even sure. Let's see what you people think. It says, my coworker, my coworker's in a cubicle next to mine and he just farts all day long. It's getting so bad that I'm thinking about quitting my job. What should I do? Did you write this question in, Drew? I apologize for all of that, by the way. What's that? I just, I know you, I know you don't. I don't like that kind of thing? No, no. If I could buy you a full bag of farts, I would, because I know how uncomfortable that would be. You know how angry it makes me. It makes him so angry. When Gus and I are playing video games and he farts, I just look at him like I want to stab him in the face. It is awesome. What this person should do is get a new job because that's what people do in cubicles is they fart. All day long? That's part of the job. Yeah. Part of the job. How about have a talk with this guy? Maybe give him some Beano or something. No. Everyone does it. It's part of the job. You probably see. How is farting part of a job? It's what happens at the desk. You know, you can't go anywhere. You're tied to a desk. You're going to fart. It's part of it. You should only have to fart like eight times. Wooden desks make Vic gassy. Why do you think that all these office workers have candles on their desk? It's because they're shitting in their pants all day and they act like they're being... Where do you work? They act like they're candles. Have you ever had a job? Vic works in a Manila shop. If your body works, that makes sense, but otherwise... No, I work... You're not allowed to have open flames in the office, Vic. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. No, no. If you're saying they're doing it all day long and all the people are doing it, I got news for you. A candle's not going to do it. A candle is just going to cause a giant explosion. No, no. Scented candles will cover a fart. This is a well-lit, stinky area. No, I'm telling you, any co-worker out there who's got a candle on their desk, they're farting. My girlfriend uses it for pot. They're farting. They're farting. It's a way of acting like they're spiritual and it's trying to act like they're serene. Spiritual farting? And the truth is they're farting at their desks and they're covering it up in this bullshit can. It's true. I've gone back to loving you so much. Wait a minute. You worked in a place where people were lighting candles? You're saying Kevin... Yes, I've worked in many places where these ladies sit around. I mean, no offense to women. They're men too to sit around and they blow farts and they got these big candles there and they act like it's serene. They don't have a lot of lighting. Where were you working? Victoria's Secret? No, I mean, on different shows and stuff. This is what producers... Everyone does it. Really? But Vic, I'm asking you. That's why the case for Kevin I'm not following. Are you telling him to A, get a candle or B, just stop working altogether? He's... He should either get a candle or he should get a new job. But you're saying it's everywhere. Leave that fucking lady alone. That's what she's doing. She's working. Let her work. You know what I would do? I'd get air freshener and I would just spray it at him. Yeah. Get everybody in the office to start calling this guy stinky. I agree with Ron. What I would do is I would get some sort of like high-powered air freshener spray and every time that person did it, I would go up and just spray him in the face. No, you... Spray his ass. That'd be even funnier. You're an adult. You walk over to your co-worker and you say, look, stinky. You're obviously a little disgusting and you need to get your ass checked out. I'll take it further. What about this co-worker who eats tuna at their desk? I mean, this is what goes on in the workplace. You just gotta suck it up. Can I... Oh, first of all... Suck it up is disgusting. That's a horrible verb. Yeah, that's the wrong word. Can I mention that Vic apparently works with the gassiest people. Yeah, Jesus Christ. He's like, no, everyone's shitting themselves all over the place. You working Taco Bell? What is going on? No, it's what goes on. We've all been here for 40 minutes. None of us have farted. I know. People who work... The key word there, if you listen really closely, was cubicle. This is what happens... Cubicles make you gassy. That is not what happens. I just came from a job at a cubicle. I had never had this issue. You've never farted in your cubicle. No, I haven't. She's a girl. She doesn't fart. I have never... No, this is not what happens. I've had jobs too and that wasn't... The only... In fact, the only experience I have had with this is with Ken August. That's my... Seriously. You're lying. The alternative is... 50 years and he's the... He's the one. He's just doing manly shit too. He's not like really... Here's why and I'm going to explain something to you guys. Oh, I can't wait to hear this. Listen. Listen, Eli. Thank you, Mr. Science. Listen, Eli. Show me your nipples again. No, no, no, no. Listen. No, this is important. I'm listening. This is the deal that I was saying. You've got to focus on the word cubicle. People in cubicles think they're alone because there are walls around them. The walls go halfway up. Yeah, but it gives a false sense of safety and security. Okay. And that's why you're a queen. I'm going to hold this piece of paper partially separating your head and my head. Do you now want to fart? Are you gassy or no? I'm not at the moment but it could happen. Well, also, I'm saying that you know a lot of farty stupid people who can't figure out that a wall that's only halfway up is not going to protect anybody else from farting. Eli will be farting soon. Is this a new job? Is it a new job? It is for her. No, no, I'm not. I'm not working anymore. What happened? I thought you were in the job market. She farted and got fired. My advice for the person that's doing the farting is to eat more organic products. No, that's not good. No, that's going to make it worse. That's not good at all. That's the worst. That's like telling them eat broccoli. No, that's not going to help. Also, you get a small fan. The actual answer is simple. You get a small fan, you point it right out that guy with a little sign that says the guy next to me smells like ass. Here's another way to do it. No, we're moving on. No, I got away. This is important. I've been farting for three years. No, this is what you do under certain circumstances. Just say this real quick. You say to that co-worker, go, man, it's like a shit in here. Like as if you don't know it's them. but now they know it's them. That's nice. That's smart. You go, holy, what the fuck is going on in here? It's like every day it's crazy. I agree with that. I say that. It's really less subtle and say it smells like shit in here and I think it's Barry. That's what you have to do. That and the last piece of advice is don't work where Vic works. All right. Next question. This one comes from Robert in Paramus, New Jersey. It says, my Jewish mother is incredibly overbearing and judgmental. She insists on telling me what to do and how to live my life. I am 52. Wow. Well, Barry first. What's the question? He just wants to know what should he do? First of all, it bothers me that he mentions she's Jewish. I don't, that to me is like kind of racist or whatever. It's like, we don't care if she just, he didn't have to put that in. Well, especially now once you say overbearing and judgmental, you don't need to put that in. That's pretty much implied. That's pretty much done. We would have guessed Jewish. I mean, it could have been Italian or, you know, could be Italian Greek. If he's seen throw mom up in the train, that's his best bet. Aren't all moms overbearing though? Right. I don't like, yeah. If she's 52. I'm approaching 52. My mom's not like that. If he, yeah, you just can't hear her anymore at 52. If he's 52 and he's asking. The look on Drew's face. He's 52 and he's asking how to deal with his mother. She's probably right in whatever, judgment she has about him in the first place. If he can't figure out how to like not talk to her. Yeah. You're not going to knock the Jew. Well, first advice is move out of the basement. That's a good move. Yeah, that's a good idea. Chances are, if she's running your life, I'm guessing he lives at home. Yeah. Stop playing Dungeons and Dragons, even though I love it. He's 52 and he's living at home. But he's less than 840 pounds. So he can leave. He can leave. Yes. See right now, if we were in a cubicle, I would fart. I could fart right now, but I'm not. I've got one loaded. I bet. I've got one loaded. I've got one loaded. If I were in a cubicle, I would let it go. You refuse to let that question go, don't you, Vic? Well, maybe this 52-year-old is being yelled at by his mom for farting all the time. This kid, this guy, I call him a kid because he is mentally a kid. He's a sick man. He needs therapy. He needs to grow up. Vic has gotten angry, guys. He's gotten angry. We're at 40 minutes. I want to introduce everyone to a new segment of the show is what will piss Vic off this week. But this man is an ill man. He's sick, and he needs help. 52? Do you think the problem is his, not his mother? His mom's annoying, and he wants to know how to deal with her. This man's a sick man. You put a half wall near you, and you start shitting yourself. But this guy's got problems. Okay, cool. You know what? Seriously. He's reasonable. This man needs to grow up. I think he's too attached to his mother. He needs separation, and it's a problem. That's crazy because I was going to suggest couples therapy. See, I like bronze hands. That's funny. I like that idea. All right. We'll leave him with that. Couples therapy. Next question. I like this one. This one comes from Denise from Mission Hills. Denise wants to know, and maybe you can help with this one, Eli. Denise wants to know, how can I get my husband to talk dirty to me during sex? All he does is grunt. Any thoughts? Do you like being talked to dirty? I mean, I would, if I was Denise. I'm sorry. Was there a question there? I don't know. Put her on the spot. If I was Denise, I don't know. I would just, I'd probably bring some meat into bed. I don't know. Guys always like, get all crazy. Meat? Yeah. Meat? Like steak? Yeah, like a steak. Beef? Meat? Beef, some roast beef, a sandwich. You like, you know, oh, that's. I like you, Eli. That would actually. I am so confused right now. That would actually make me grunt more. I've never been hungry with this steak. No, I'd be like, oh, this is so good. Give me more. Like that, meat gets guys going. That's your beef. It's vegan. I like that. Just hypothetically, what if he was a vegetarian? Then she shouldn't be sleeping with him. No. That's a good answer. That's nice. Or she can bring vegetables to the bedroom. She can do that on her own. Give me some of that broccoli. I would say ask. That's usually the best thing. If, all you have to do is ask a dude to do something and most of the time, a guy's gonna do it. It depends what she means by dirty. I mean, halfway through sex, if she says to him, I think I have crabs, but it's not my fault the mailman didn't tell me before I slept with him and all his friends, that guy's gonna have some shit to say. Yeah. But, that depends on what you want to hear. First of all, Ron, I want to correct you. Wait. Okay, one second. We're gonna get right to this, but I think we have a call. Yeah, we do. Do we have a call? Fuck yeah. Do we have a call? Is he on the air? Can't hear him. Hold on. We can't hear him yet? Okay, caller, you're on the air. Welcome to Bad Advice. Hello? Hello, caller. Nope. And the caller went away. Well, perhaps I'll come back. No, what I wanted to say was to get it to you. Ron, you don't, you say just ask. The truth is, and Eli, she can vouch for me on this. Some men are better at certain things than they are at others. Now, I actually am very good at dirty talk. It's one of my specialties. You think you are? I know I am. Okay. I'm excellent. We are not gonna have a test this week. We just don't have the time, but maybe next week. But there are, spit some, spit some games. No, I'm really good. Let's pretend. Unfortunately, it's to the homeless guy in the afternoon. The 7-Eleven who weighs 140 pounds. No, I'm really good. And farts in their cubicle. But, as Eli probably would agree with me, there are probably some men who aren't. Yeah. And that's a turn off. You could say to a guy, talk dirty to me, but if he doesn't know how to do it, he's not comfortable with it. He's not gonna be good at it. Well, that's where the meat comes in. He's like, yeah, germ. I don't understand how to need help, but I love her so much right now. Yeah, I don't get that. What if his dirty talk is like, yeah. Because the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If you tell a guy that's already been used. If you tell a guy who's hesitant to talk dirty, he's gonna be all awkward about it and that's just gonna ruin everything. You can ask me anything. But throw meat by example. I mean, apparently, he's just fine. Can't you just lead by example? Yeah, that's another idea. She could just be like, yeah, your dick's so big. And he'd be like, what you said. Oh, your pussy's so tight. Like, you know, and then all of a sudden. Yeah, but if he's not used to it, he might be like, well, your pussy's so big. Yeah, exactly. You're out. Thanks for stopping by. I'm gonna recommend cue cards. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Exactly. Like crib notes. This is why a lot of marriages Let's get Siri involved. Have Siri, can we get like a male Siri? How do I dirty talk? Siri, touch me so bad. I'll ask her right now. I'll ask her right now. I love the tri-tips day. Yeah. Keep bringing in meat, baby. Siri. Let's see. Siri, how... Don't be bringing in salmon. He's actually asking Siri how to talk dirty? Siri, how do I talk dirty? Let's see. We actually... Go fuck yourself. Are we gonna get an answer? Oh. Victor, your language. There you go. Oh, she's saying... Really, Siri? She just said, Victor, your language? Yeah. You asked how to talk dirty and your phone told you to back off. In what language? All right. Well, I would say... The other thing is her husband, he just grunts. Now, that's gotta be a little disconcerting if you're a woman. Just like... Well, my advice is for the husband. What's that? I have a bit about that. About grunting? Is it you or the guy? No, it's the guy. My bit about... I mean, my advice is to the husband. If you like grunting so much, go fuck a gamer chick that likes orcs and trolls. Yeah, the genius. That fantasizes about that. I'd do that. I'm into that. He likes... You're gonna go fuck a guy who likes orcs and trolls? Okay, next week, I'm gonna be here with a panel of not really crazy people and... No, you're not. I think this is... This is... No crazy people. No crazy people. Actually... You can just get strippers. This is why there is... There are a lot of people cheating on their husbands and wives because where they go is online. And if the husband or wife isn't talking dirty, you can go online. That's where these chat things are happening. People are cheating on their wives, right? Like... Yeah, totally. No, it happens all the time. That's not why I would cheat. I'm not going to cheat. We have a call? All right. Caller. We have a caller. You're on the air with bad advice. You've got six minutes. Hello? Hey, how are you? How are you? Who am I talking to? Jason. Hey, Jason. Welcome to bad advice. Got a question? Hello? Can you hear us? You're lonely. Jason. Jason, you were just there. We miss you already, Jason. I think he's touching himself. He sounded handsome. Let me hear you... Let me hear you grunt. Jason was going to talk dirty. Jason went away. All right. Well, we're working on some technical difficulties in the sound, but maybe Jason will call back. It's going to be awesome. Jason's playing mind games with us. All right. Well, we'll move on to the next question then. Next question. You know, my best advice, like I say, is either lead by example or get him some notes. Like, write out what you would like him to say. Make him memorize it and practice on stage in front of people. This couple is sexually incompatible and they should end it. That a boy. There you go. Way to give him some leeway there, buddy. Vic's angry again. As opposed to just hire a cue card guy to stand behind the bed. No, I would end it. This is called bad advice, right? It is. Just give up. Just give up. All right. Well, here's one. This one comes to us from Dave in Phoenix. It says, while away on a business trip to Seattle, I hooked up with a cocktail waitress and caught something. How do I tell my wife? Was it a fish? Was he out fishing? He doesn't say what he caught, which is a little weird. It's a deadly catch. I'm going to assume her. I'm going to assume her. I'm going to go, if Ron's right and if it's something you're going to see, what you do, and this may be too good of an advice, but I think what you do is you sneak in late at night because you can't tell her. What are you going to tell her? There's no way. You sneak in late at night, you lick her face. You hope when you wake up in the morning, you both have it, you call her a dirty whore and you move on. That sounds good. So the best defense is a good offense. I like that idea. Is that a bad idea? I think that's a fantastic idea. That's how I did it. I mean, here's an idea. How about you stop fucking cocktail waitresses while you're married? Well, he will now. Yeah, that's probably, that's some real advice. Where was the business? Unless they're 840 pounds because they're not going to talk. Drew, where was the business? Where was the business trip? What was it or where? Where it was. He said he went to Seattle. Okay. Then don't stop going on business trips in Seattle. That's where all the whores are. What if you get your wife a t-shirt that says my husband went to Seattle and all I got was that shit on his lip? A t-shirt that says that? That's a good t-shirt. That's fine. That's fine. I have three of those t-shirts. Either that or he could just say, listen, I got you something while I was away. He's got to tell her. He's got to tell her. There's a lot that counts. He could say, he could say, look, I met a girl who was hotter than her, hotter than you. I had to fuck her. I was stupid because I thought, well, if I'm fucking a girl this hot, I better not wear a condom. And so I didn't. And now you have herpes. Just sick of these guys who cheat. Why do you do that? If you make a commitment to your wife, don't fuck other women. It rains nine months a year in Seattle. Can you make up your mind if I'm going to like you or not, please? Yeah, I know. It goes back and forth. What makes him angry? I agree with Victor. He's like that flower. I keep picking him up. Me and Victor are on the same. Has anyone here ever been married? Anyone on this planet? Yes, I was married for nine years. Seriously? And I was on the road. I was on the road. Did you cheat? No. For 12 of those years. Never. I mean, but the thing is, of course I didn't cheat, but that's like a, there's a joke that Chris Rock does about like when dudes brag about paying their child support. Like, I'll pay my child support. Of course you pay your child support. You're a fucking man. That's what men do. And that's the same thing. You're married. With chicks being like literally just saying, hey, do you want to go fuck in the hotel room? And me going, no, I'm married. And they're going, I don't really care. So women. I have a question. Are you still married? No. Do you now think, man, I wish I would've fucked that chick in the hotel room? No, because after I was single, I fucked a bunch of chicks. All right. It's about integrity. Yeah. It's about commitment. And it's about, and honestly, like if you can't, if you shouldn't get married, if you can't not. This is a lot of good advice. Yeah. Vic hasn't taken, all of this, and Vic hasn't taken his hand off my balls throughout the whole show. The entire time. By the way, thank you. Because you haven't removed it. Thank you very much, man. I mean, the bad advice would be just fuck your wife without telling her. And then when she gets herpes, you'd be like, look, you fucking. That's what Gus just said. That was Gus's, except without saying it's bad advice. Are you my wife? Yeah. Because you don't listen to me. That's what I said. Well, I'm glad we were able to help. We have one more quick question, and then we're going to wrap this up with a couple little things about what everybody's doing. Let's do this one real fast. We only got two minutes. This one comes to us from Ray in Sioux City, Iowa. Ray wants to know, he says, my girlfriend loves to pop zits on my back. It grosses me out. Should I let her? What is it with women who love to do this? Eli? You ever do that, Eli? That's like our new, women who love to pop zits. On our panel today. Nothing brings a couple closer than, you know. But why, I mean, he says it grosses him out, but he allows her to do it. He could just, you know, Well, because she loves it. I mean, you're trying to make your woman happy. Uh-huh. A lot of women love to do this. I've had many women. That's because they all pop their zits. You're not supposed to pop your zits. What do you mean? How many zits do you have on your back where you have this gaggle of women showing up You see how much hair he has? Those aren't even zits. They're ingrown hairs. I like popping a woman's zits. Do you? Me personally, yeah. I enjoy that. I don't even want to go out to dinner with her if she's got them. Are you serious? Zits don't bother me at all. You're serious, right? I enjoy it, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, I love a woman that's imperfect. If she has zits, I'll definitely love it. Well, that's because that's what you're getting. Yeah. I'll accept her for whatever type of facial. Oh, that's kind of nice. So you think he should just literally suck it up and let her do it? I'm a nice guy. Well, Vic spent six years with a woman with a thick goatee, so that was nice. We've only got 45 seconds, guys. Shows, what are you doing? I know, Vic, you have something you'd like to plug here? I just want to encourage everyone if they could find me, check out my webpage, VicCohen.com and Facebook friend me, Vic Cohen. Vic Cohen. Vic needs that because he's got a lot of zits. Ladies, you can fart on Vic and pop zits all available on his website. I have two shows coming up. Ken August has the weekly wrap-up every Sunday here at Skid Row Studios. What do you got there, Ron? June 11th, Comedy for Dorks at the Improv and then June 13th, I'm doing Uncle Clyde's Comedy Contest. All right. Nice. Vince Royale, Brea Improv, June 19th. And I will be on that show as well, so come see me and Vince. Eli, I believe you'll be on the show. I believe you'll be on the show.