Semen benefits, butt chugging, and caller dilemmas

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Skid Row Studios in lovely downtown Los Angeles. It's Saturday, 2 o'clock. That means it's time for a new episode of Bad Advice. I am your host, Drew Marks, like I am every week. I am joined by a panel of very funny people. Well, across from me, we have Mr. Ken August. He's the host of the weekly wrap-up here on Skid Row Studios. Happy to be back. We have Vic Cohen, a very good friend and ridiculously funny person. You can see him all over the country. And we'll go into what shows you're working on right now. Well, I'm working on a show with Howie Mandel. It's going to be on NBC. That one I'm writing on, though. Nice. It's going to be great. It's coming out in the winter. Good work, man. Nice. Yeah, it should be fun. Thanks. Excellent. Over here, we have Ron Swallow. Every Monday, he hosts Angry Dorks podcast here at Skid Row. Very funny man. I've had the pleasure of doing it. Stand up with him. Goddamn right you do. Over here, we have Jason Rohrbacher. Also a very funny comic who's tried to kill me on more than one occasion in a car. You deserved it every time I tried. No argument. None. But I want to thank you for being here. And then Marie Delpretti. Hi. She's Italian. She's gorgeous. Oh, wow. Oh, I love these men. She is. I like your hair up this time. Thank you. I did a little bun for you, Vic. I noticed. Did you do that for me? Well, just for you. My bun is bigger than you. Oh. I'm sorry. I was starting early. She laid that shit down. When you say bigger than me, what part of me are you talking about? It's only because the bun's excited. The bun is very excited. It's your rec. The bun is excited to be here. It's like a hairy yarmulke on top of her head. Again, Vic. That's my name. It's great having you here. Marie does stand up all over. You can catch her at all kinds of clubs. We'll get into that later. But actually, we're going to be doing another live. I just think we should do an hour about her hair. We might. It's so luxuriant. Thank you. Thank you. I think so, too. It is very shiny. I kind of want to reach out and touch it like a fairy. You know what? I can't tell when a woman wants to touch it. It's hilarious that when a girl gets in the studio, you guys freak the fuck out. Is it not? I'm the nerdiest one here, and I'm the only one calm. You know what? I don't even have big boobs, either, so I feel really good. Yeah, but they're good. I want to take some nice pictures of them. They're perky. I'm not saying I do look. I'm to your right, and when you catch a side boob look, they look bigger. Right? They do. And you look down. There's a little bit of cleavage. Above them, you can see some of your chest, like the bone part. Can I just say? I thought you were going to go with hair for a second. Wait a minute. I just have to say something before we start. I asked Vic to take a picture of me for Twitter, and the whole time, he was taking pictures of my chest. That's a great Twitter. You just met Vic. You didn't make it clear. You have to specify, yes. You have to specify all of you or just the face. Just the chest. He just took my chest, like 50,000 pictures of it. Yeah, I gave him my camera. I have 14 shots of my balls, so thank you for that. Can I just say one thing about your hair, and I'll be real quick? I can tell when a woman or a man is on antidepressants because their hair doesn't look this ... It looks like straw, and I'm going to say you're not on any antidepressants, are you? You're right. I don't need to. I drink Coca-Cola. That's my antidepressant. Yeah. It's making me up. All right. Well, listen. I have no hair. That says something. Now that we've complimented everyone who's here, we're going to get on with the show. If you're new to Bad Advice, you can call us here at 800-893-9562. What we do here is we will take questions on any subject at all, and since we're completely untrained. We're completely untrained and unqualified. We will help. Also, we will have news stories from around the world. These are people that I feel need advice, but we're just too lazy or too stupid to ask, but we'll be helping them a little bit and giving our opinions, but we would love for you to join us. Make sure you like us on Facebook, Bad Advice. Right now, if you're on Facebook, you can post right on our site, the event site, and we will interact with your questions. You can take them there. Otherwise, as I say, call 800-893-9562. Actually, we need to fix that. Actually, we need to fix that. Drew is inept when it comes to technology. I really am. It's actually the Facebook invite event. Is that not what I said? No, you just said Facebook page. Yeah, I'm not that bright. I am good looking. You are fantastic looking. Not bright. And you've nice hair, too. Event invite page. Okay. We'll work with that next week. What we're going to do now is we're going to start. Now, normally, I feel like sometimes we can dwell on a story a little too long. However, this story, it's entirely possible we'll do the full hour on. Okay. Wow. It's that good. Better than her hair? Yeah. It's the 10 surprising health benefits of semen. 10. They found 10. 10. That's nice. And these are the top 10. Isn't it great that they found like, God, I feel deficient. Somebody lock that door. Can I just interject that this can't be real? Like, this is just a dude who's like, I need more blowjobs. Yeah. You know this study is written by a guy. A guy named Vic Cohen, I believe. This story, I would say, is written. No, it says right here, this story was written by all men everywhere. Men, men, no women. Let's ask the lady first. No, let's hear the story. No, we'll hear the story first. This story was written by a woman. That's why we're doing it. With a penis. Okay. She's very well hung for a woman, but yes. A post-op? What are you talking about? This is why I love the Dutch. A study released, a study recently published by Dutch psychologists shows that when women are sexually aroused, their disgust tolerance increases. Oh, yeah. And not just regarding sex, but across the board. That makes sense. In the study, the aroused group of women were less disgusted when asked to touch a bloody bone, which was actually just red ink, or to put their hands in a bowl of allegedly used condoms, which were actually not used, but covered in lubricant. It's the worst haunted house ever, by the way. That's still gross, by the way. Anybody would be grossed out by that. A dude would. But apparently, if you're turned on, you're like, I'm fine with this. Where's the tent? Oh, I get it. We're getting to the tent thing. There's a scientist somewhere who went, I can't believe I got people to fund this freaking project. Yeah, that's awesome. I love the Dutch. Now, this woman, one of the psychologists says, based on the theory that the semen, it contains a complex range of organic and inorganic constituents. Wow, that's a lot going on there. It has many health benefits included in this. It says the alleged benefits of the semen are activated when a man deposits semen into a woman's vagina. That's right. Newer research suggests that the same benefits may be available if the semen is swallowed. Sweet. Sweet. The research even suggests that semen deposited anally will offer the same benefits. It's worth a shot. It offers no benefits. It's not a damn purse, people. Okay. Go on. Go on. Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. Go ahead. I'm getting sick as we talk. I'm getting turned on. It says the 10 alleged health benefits of semen include, it's a natural antidepressant. That's right. My hair looks good. That's right. It's a natural anxiety reducer. That's true. That's Vic. Improves quality of sleep. That's for sure. Improves quality of sleep of the guy who shot the load in her mouth. That's who's sleeping. Yeah. You're not getting any benefits, Vic, if you're not drinking a cup. Well, who said Vic's not drinking a cup? It says it increases your energy. Oh. Well, you're going to need that to get up and go home. That must be why. The room? The person getting it? New semen flavored beverages from Monster. It says it improves concentration. I think that could be true. Because after the deed's over, I can't tell you how many times a woman goes, I can't believe I just did that. Look at you. Look at you. That's true. The man is exhausted and the woman's just like, things looks well. Yeah. How is she doing that and getting better sleep? How's that happening? It's the worst study ever, by the way. This study is full of shit. No, it says it improves memory again. You know, from personal experience, it's like, oh, oh yeah, I'm married. Oh, I forgot to tell you. That's a nice one. I'm married. Yeah. I've got a girlfriend. It says it improves mental alertness. This is again for the person that's doing the expulsion. No, no. This is the drinker. No, it's for the one that just got the stuff shot into him. This is the, oh, it's just inside. Not just if you- Any of it. If you drink it. It doesn't say- That's kind of what- No, drinking is inside. It says vaginally, orally, or anally. Yeah, that's kind of what, no pun intended, shoots a hole in this theory in the first place. Look, as long as you get to come inside the woman, she will benefit. He didn't even pick. He didn't even pick how you do it. He's just like, I don't care. Wait a minute. How could she? She doesn't always benefit. What if you get pregnant? That's not a benefit. That's never a benefit. There goes your sleep. There goes your energy. There goes your concentration. There goes everything. You're being sexist. You're assuming that it's a woman. I mean, a guy can consume sperm. Not vaginally. You're looking very energetic today. You have to be a taker. You're correct, but that's also a rare percentage of the population. We've all tasted our own sperm. So we're talking about the- Okay, hold on. Pause. And plus, how many men have that vagina that they're doing? What vagina that they're talking about? Dude, we have not all tasted sperm. Yeah, we have. I haven't. Yes, you have. When? When did I do that? You've tasted your own sperm. How do you know? I did not. I know you have. How do you know I have? What do you know? Because I just- Just because you dream it happens doesn't mean it actually happens. No, no, no. You know what? It's not on the show. Oh, you have tasted your own sperm. Because if you've done anything to a woman intercourse-wise and then- And then gone down on her? And then kissed her. So you know, there's a chance that- Or kissed her. There you go. I think you all- Yeah, I've done that afterwards. Yeah. I've done that afterwards. There's been trace amounts in your mouth. I was going to say, I have to agree with Vic here, and that's not happening all the time. You're right. I've turned into an OJ trial. Because I'm not a dick. What the hell happened? I've been so turned on, I've wanted to taste it. Dude, obviously. You in the subway. That's in the subway. You know what? There is a thing about tasting- See, this is the feeling I'm getting here. You purposely have tasted this. And you did it by accident. And it was because I made out with a chick. Every guy is curious. I guarantee as a little boy, you tasted it. No, it never happened. Oh boy, where am I getting it? What are you talking about? How long are you talking about? When did you start cumming? I was probably eight or seven. You freak me out. Why? I'm just being honest. I bet you were the same. What as a little Jewish kid were you doing in church? He wasn't playing with his dreidel, that's for sure. Well, maybe he was. Finish the list. We still got three more. A little more. It assists with pregnancy maintenance. Yep, that's a part. It increases female initiated sexual behavior. Yep. So I guess once you- Once you get a little- A little senior. Yeah. You get a little semen in your cup, you're just like, I want more, more semen. But I like this last one as my favorite. It's like Folgers. That's nice. This is the best one. It's like a zombie. Number 10 says it reduces pain. Yes, because if you swallow, he'll stop hitting you. Hey, hey. Good one, man. Good one. I've tasted breast milk before. Oh, really? Tell me more about that. It was delicious. It tastes like rice milk. It tastes like rice milk. I really want that. First time I tasted it- You can especially do it with an Asian woman. Because that is a woman. Right, Vic? Only a woman. I'm not a woman. I'm a woman. A woman can make breast milk. That's sexy. Well, I tasted some other woman's breast milk, not my own. That is fantastic. Can you tweet a picture of that? That is fantastic. Just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, because I was curious. For fun. No, it was for the school project. Well, I didn't take it off the tap. You know what I mean? It was out of the fridge or something? She squeezed me a little bunch. May I point this out? Wait, did she squeeze it into a cup? She squeezed it into a cup. I'm going to try it at home. How is that in coffee? I love that. I don't know. You know what? She said it's good in tea and coffee. I love it. I would try that. Can somebody explain to me though how Vic is incensed that nobody else admits that they are curious enough to taste semen, yet as far as tasting her milk, you were like, really? Well, hold on. Just out of curiosity. I love that. That is okay. I love that too. That is nice. I would taste breast milk with my semen. Obviously. That would clash. That's like oil and water. I'm sorry. The semen is fighting it. I'm just curious. I'd like a breast milk semen smoothie. That's a probiotic. Is that what it is? Yeah. That's what I have heard about. A Breastachino? You got a Breastachino? Breastachino? A Vente. That is a probiotic. All right. Well- A lot of bacteria. Good bacteria. It's good for yeast. What? The semen. But also what I'm drinking. Here's my problem with this story. I thought you were going to say, I have some right here. I do have some semen in a cup right now. Actually, no. It's a probiotic. I got some semen in my pants. I bet you do. I think it dried up from like 1989. He puts it in the freezer with little toothpicks. And then he gets little combsicles out of it. I think he's a little bit more sensitive. Combsicles? Once you're a guy who ejaculates, you can never really clean it out. What do you mean? There will always be remnants. In the drain? What are you coming at? You mean in the pipe? There's remnants? In your ice tray? What are you talking about? If you ejaculated juice, love juice, on your shirt- I'm getting shy now. He said cum about a million times. He does this every week. In water. I'm trying to be classy. He's trying to be creative. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. I'm trying to be classy. Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye If you're going to act like this anyway, you might as well take the drugs. I don't always taste sperm. I don't always taste sperm. I mean, you know what? When you're curious, I mean, that's how I learn. I try and feel for the woman. And the way you understand a woman is you've got to experience some of the things that she goes through. No, I don't. I love Vic. I think he has the right idea. I think you guys should learn from him. Yeah. I also read somewhere that sperm can stay alive in a woman for up to three days and impregnate her three days later after the fact. Oh, my gosh. In theory, don't be that way. In theory, that's possible just because it has to stay at a specific temperature. If it goes beyond a certain temperature, then it dies. Or if she's dirty. You know, that's odd you should say that, Jason, because maybe that explains it. I think mine actually may have lasted a year because that's when she called me and told me that I was a dad. Don't pay for that baby, Drew. Did that actually happen to you? Wow, that must be an ugly-looking baby, a year-old sperm. A year later, she called him and said, Drew, congratulations, you have a 14-year-old. You get a bad baby. You got a lot of babies out of that? Yeah, that's a bad baby. That probably is a really fugly-looking baby, a year-old sperm. That kid definitely has autism. When I was like 10 years old, I got a, I think it was for Hanukkah. It might have been my birthday. I got a microscope kit with slides. And I ejaculated on the slide. This is not going well. You did? Did you see it? I wanted to see my sperm. And I had to wave back at you. You're the cutest person I've ever met. You're the cutest. Was there like little Vic heads on every little, like, Todd Paul or what? I don't know. Did you keep it like a microscope right now? I swear to God in my life, I saw the sperm. It was fascinating. It was a little village. When I drew it, the sperm had little horns on it. Seriously. We put those little, like, you know, from diving, if we put flippers on Vic right now and put him in a pool of water, it would look almost identical. He looks like a sperm now. That's what I'm saying. I taste like one, too. I will also claim that that microscope was not any different. Vic came on all the gifts they gave him. Not the whole thing. Did you make a little scratch and sniff sperm label? Yeah, you don't want to play with the Play-Doh at Vic's house. The Teddy Ruxpin has been stuck. To the dog. I made love to the giraffe. That's slinky. Giraffe is what he called his little sister, by the way. That was a six-foot giraffe. All right, guys, I know we said we would spend an hour on that, but I was kidding. Oh, well, you got to tell us that. All right, so we're going to move on, but I do appreciate that woman doing that story. Yay. This one's going to be, this one we'll just do quickly. Sure. Apparently, James Brown, who's a millionaire, did so much cocaine that his nose collapsed. So this is a millionaire with a taste for expensive cocaine. He bought cars and exorbitant amounts of cocaine, was arrested when police found a huge drug stash in his Bentley convertible. James Brown, 45, of Southwest Wales, reportedly just really likes cocaine. He did so much cocaine on a daily basis that his nose first deformed and then collapsed. See, he should have been tasting sperm. Your nose will never collapse. Well, yeah, there's enough health benefits, apparently. That's true. He just needs some sperm to fix that nose. I did a lot of coke when I was young, but how much coke do you have to do that your face collapses? You can see from the size of my nose, I don't do coke. Yeah, I've never done coke. No. I've never done it. Only coke and cola. Well, you know I've never done anything. Really? So am I the only one? No. You're the only drug addict here. No, no. You also worked in the porn industry. You're required to do coke. Yeah. Were you in porn? You didn't know that? He worked in the porn industry. Were you a part of it? He was a fluffer. He was a fluffer? He was talented. He was tasting a lot of sperm. No, no, no. He's a huge dick. Are you in doubt? Yeah. He's got a big cock. I tried to snort coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting in the way. This motherfucker. Yeah. Cocaine is the dumbest drug in the world. I'm sorry, guys. It's stupid. There's no way you've never done that, right? It's stupid. With all reports, all reports of cocaine, it's like, why would you do? It's expensive. It only lasts for like 10 minutes, and then you have to do more. It's like sex for me. And on top of that, have you ever hung out with people on cocaine? No, they're total jerks. They're a bunch of fucking assholes. Yeah. The tweakers. Who think they're really smart and no shit, and they will tell you at 100 miles per hour. Hey, Drew, do you hear what Ron's saying about you, by the way? Yes, I do. But here's the thing. The first time I ever had sex was with the two girlfriends of my best friends. And coke and quaaludes were involved, so I can't go, it's all bad. Well, I think your friends, your former friends can say it was pretty bad. They're still my two best friends. I was just with them in Denver last week. Do you still have a non-jetsoise with them? That's a posse story, Drew. You made love to two women at the same time. I would not call that making love. But there was a dude there. I would not call them women either. I've done that. You had a little gay sex, though, because there was a guy there. There was a guy there? No, no. What guy? Two girls? Yeah, two girls. I heard a guy. And one guy. I said my two best friends' girlfriends. Me and them. Two best friends' girlfriends. They let you do that? The guys? Yeah, what did the guys do? They didn't know. What if I walked in on it? See, there's a guy involved. What kind of friend are you? Walked in. You're a horrible person. You know what? You sound like a big coke addict. A coke addict. Quaaludes and coke will probably... They will probably make you fuck your friends' girlfriends. Your friends knew or didn't? Can we use the F-bomb? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. Do they know now? Yeah, they know now. We're all still best friends. I'm never introducing you to my girlfriend. I'm not saying I wouldn't. I'm just saying I never have. You have a girlfriend? For the record, Vic, he can't fuck an imaginary person. That's why I'm not, because I don't have one. But I will. You will. You will. It was a long time ago. Vic, I hate to tell you this, but everybody here has had a threesome, but you. I have. Yay! I definitely have. I haven't. Well, my girlfriend. I haven't, because it's too expensive. It's too expensive. You can do that shit for free if you're charming. I don't know. Deed was just not something I wanted to do. You made love to two girls. Now, for our listeners, the part you can't hear while Marie is sitting here telling the story about like, oh yeah, I did a threesome, she is eating a banana, which just makes the story that much better. I don't have the energy. I don't even have an energy to play with myself right now. Like, I'm not. That's because you just finished. What are you talking about? You know what you need? And you're not hungry. You need to eat. You need more sperm. No, what happens is, honestly, I don't know if it's just age, but right now it's like I just don't want to deal with the mess. What? What are you talking about? All right. Well, that's going to move on to our next story then. Because this is actually. I think I'm a filth fest. Here's one. You talk about things. Let's see. You say that these are things everybody does. What do you think of this one? This comes out of Knoxville, Tennessee. You know, it's going to be weird. Thanks to the drunken exploits of a fraternity at the University of Tennessee. I saw this. The bizarre way of getting drunk is giving parents, administrators, and health care workers a new fear. Butt chugging. Yes. Butt chugging. What? I knew exactly what I was going to do this weekend when I read that article. Throw up. You're going to butt chug. Nice. I don't understand. What's a butt chug? Butt chugging. I'm going to. Okay. Let him tell you what it is. This is awesome. It says, when Alexander Broughton, age 20, was delivered to the hospital after midnight, his blood alcohol level was measured at 0.448%, which is nearly six times the intoxication that defines drunk. Drunk driving. Injuries to his rectum led hospital officials to fear he had been sodomized. However, it is believed that members of the fraternity were utilizing rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol. They were drinking through their asses. Like an enema. Yes. It says, when Broughton told police he remembered participating in a drinking game with fellow members of his fraternity, he denied having an alcohol enema. Police concluded otherwise from the evidence. They found at the frat house, which included boxes of Frangia Sunset Blush Wine. Oh my God. Box wine in the butt. Box wine in the butt. Exactly. Wow. That's awesome. That's cheap. That'll make your cheeks blush. That's so stupid. Here's the thing about that. When I read that, I was fascinated. The reason it gets you so drunk is it goes directly into your bloodstream through the capillaries in your colon. It doesn't go through your liver. And so I researched it. Guess who invented that? Oh, Lershlin. The ancient Greeks. Seriously? Of course it makes sense. It makes sense. And so by emulating the Greeks- They always talk about the butt. That's where the butt thing came from with the Greeks. But who's sitting there drinking a glass of wine thinking, you know what? Yeah. This in my ass. Well, here's another question is when somebody shows up to the hospital because they just got into a drunk driving accident, who says, check his anus? We need you to fart in this. Well, yeah, exactly. Do you pass a breathalyzer? You can pass a breathalyzer, right? Well, they make you fart in this. Yeah. You can fart into it now. To be honest, when you take Franzi in the butt, it tastes better. That stuff is complete crap. Oh my God. I wouldn't know if it's coming out the end. The administrator at the schools, when they asked him for comments, says, it's stupid and it's an unfortunate situation. I mean, there's partying and then there's other things. Well, yeah. Who gets worse publicity than the parents of the kid at that point? You know what? It's kind of- Look, you know what I want to say? I want to say, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You know what I want to say? Look, do you know what I want to say? If any of you are thinking about joining a frat, just think about this. This is the shit that frat boys come up with. Oh, yeah. Was that a pun? Was that a pun or not a pun? I was in a fraternity, anyway. Also, let me point out, frat boys, I love Dane Cook. Just going to point that out. Just going to point that out. Let me just say, as a former member, and I guess lifetime member, of Alpha, Epsilon, Pi, I can tell you that- That's these guys. No. Looking back at my fraternity life, I didn't realize it at the time, but I think I was in a gay fraternity, because we were naked so much. Oh my God. It's true. Are you serious? Yeah, we played penis hockey. Is that part of our hell week where they made us, we used our penises as sticks. Okay. I hate Gus's face. Aren't all men a little gay though? I mean, like, isn't that natural? I think so. Yeah. Fraternities? Yes. No, being a little gay. We had lineups where they would line us up in our underwear and they'd throw barbecue sauce at us and our underpants would be soaking wet. And we share a plate. Here's the thing. Vic is not a great example of a man. I think he is. He's human. So these are not great examples. All right. He is a gnome. We just like to pick on Gus. He's the hottest fraternity. You put a red hat on him and he's fucking trying to lost it. Gus is a little bit more gay than all of us. One at a time. What was that? Gus is a little more gay than all of us. A little more. But not a lot more. You're right to a point. There's a little, I mean, if you define, it depends on how you define gay. And if you define gay, obviously the simple way, which is, are you attracted to men? We have a caller. Oh, hold on. Speaking of gay. Hold on. Okay. Caller. Who do we have? I just called to say hello. Who is this? Stevie Wonder? Who is this? You know, you sit around with a bunch of friends and then you're not there for a couple of weeks. Oh, now I recognize your voice. I know who that is. I know. Guess who it is. Does anybody else know who it is? We forget about you. Oh, no. We didn't forget about you. Listen, everybody. There's a CFE right here, Marco. Marco. I just called. I just really called to say hello. I saw it on Facebook. I didn't listen to the part of the show. I went to get some lunch. I miss you guys. I love you guys. Have fun. Keep doing what you're doing and save me a seat. I'll be around in a couple of weeks. Marco, there's always a seat. As soon as you're back in town, I know you're going through some personal stuff. You got lots of love from everybody here, so you take care of yourself. And as soon as you're back, you're back on the show. Yeah. Love you guys. Love you, Maria. Love you, too. Bye. Bye, baby. Bye. Bye. All right. That was a good waste of time. Stop it. We love Marco. We love Marco. We love Marco. Next time he comes. Marco, we have an empty seat for you out in the hallway. No, it's a weird world. No, I was just saying, my fraternity, I can honestly say there was a homoerotic energy. Almost every fraternity is like that. I mean, come on. You guys are like, you know. I've never been in one because I just don't like those people. Because you don't want to get spanked. You're not an ass chugger. You get spanked, right? We had a fake hell week where we exchanged paddles, and the guy literally hit me so hard with a paddle, my big brother. My ass was bleeding. Yeah. Did you get an erection? Obviously. He went in with the erection. I kind of wish I didn't sue him. He didn't have an erection. He came. Did they use you as a hockey puck? He got an erection, but it wasn't his. We also played naked basketball. Oh, sling the sperm. Is it ass chugging? He eats with his ass. Vic does now as well. We did this elephant game where we were naked, and you put your hand through the guy's pants under his naked balls. This was a daycare. This is not a fraternity. This is like a daycare. Are these real stories? No, this is Vic falling asleep. Did everybody use your butt as a vessel for their alcohol? To this day, yeah. And sperm, and that's why you're so energetic. I never touched a man's penis in that fraternity, but I can tell you there was many opportunities. In the other fraternity. But it did touch him. When it grossed you guys out to touch another man's penis, just tap it. Just tap it? With a pointer? Can I use a stick? I haven't done it, so I can't tell you. Just like, here's a penis, and I'm holding a thing, and just go like that. Would that freak you out? I don't... I don't freak you out? I like when you do that. That was kind of good. I don't really want to do that. It wouldn't freak me out, but I don't have any desire to do it. It's never come up. I mean, if I had to do it, I'd be like... Like, if one was in my way, and I had to get it out of the way? It's not like... If one is in your way, and to the point where you have to move it, you're probably in Vic's fraternity. Yeah, that's my guess. Truth is, for sure, that was the best fraternity on campus, and it was not... You know, I mean, this is what they do. That's going to depend who you ask. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to move on to the next story. This one... Marie, you're going to love this one. This one says, 100 orgasms a day is no joke, according to a woman suffering from a rare disorder. She's a liar. An Atlanta, Georgia housewife is very, very careful when she does her laundry. The mother of three experienced continuous unwanted orgasms, sometimes for several hours a day. Oh, my God. I think I saw her. It was a squirting housewife of Atlanta. Is she still there? We have another caller. Caller. Cool. Hello. Hi, there. Hi. Who do I have on the line? My name's Lisa. Hi, Lisa. Welcome to Bad Advice. We'll get back to the orgasm story in a minute. You have a question for us, something we can help you with? Well, I have a situation. Okay. I am invited to my class reunion coming up in mid-October, and I have a new boyfriend. We've been together about five months. Okay. And I've kind of been on the fence wondering. I don't know if I should bring him or not. What reunion is it? How many years? Does it matter? Lisa, what do you look like? What do you weigh? No, stop. All right, man. You're such a jerk. Vic doesn't care, by the way. He'll still make love to you with his mouth. Yeah. Yeah, even if you had hair from head to toe. Well, no, she's got a boyfriend, so wait. Okay. You're saying it doesn't matter how many years. All right. So this reunion, so your question is, should you tell him or should you bring him? Well, I already told him, and he now wants to come. But the more I think about it, I think... That I shouldn't bring him because it's people he doesn't know, and I don't know that he'd have a good time, and I don't want to have to worry about keeping him all happy. You're totally not going to have an affair with somebody. Is he ugly or something? Why does he want to bring your hot boyfriend? Well, I have a question. Is your boyfriend successful? He does well. He does very well, and he's a good guy. I just feel like I don't want to brag, but I was kind of popular in high school. Is he cute, or is he like a monster? You have a hot boyfriend. Oh, I'm easy. He's adorable. Yeah, Lisa, you have a very hot boyfriend. We have a great thing. That's not the issue. It's more... I think it's more about me, but I think he's... Do you not want a whole bunch of people to make it clear to your husband that they slept with you before he met you? Is that what's going on? She said popular. I mean, I'm getting the hint, too. Hey, Lisa? Well, no. I mean, I just feel like... It's okay if you were a whore in high school. We all were. And where do you live? Lisa, I know what's going on here. This is Vic. Listen, a couple... Two quick questions. A couple questions. First of all, what's it like to go to college? You go to a 50th high school. That must be really... He's such a jerk. That's everyone. But number two is, I know what's going on here, and it's so transparent. And basically, you want to keep all your options open. And I know what goes on in these high school unions. I've been to one. That's the thing. They're teasing their own semen. No, this is what's going on. Lisa, how old are you? Are you 28, 38? What are you? Yeah, one of those. Okay. Be honest with me. I'm a number. Be honest with me. You want to leave your options open. You've only been with this guy five months, and there always are other men from high school. You wonder about it. Am I right? Yes or no? That's right. Be honest. You're lying. Okay. I'm going to interject here. Here's the thing. I agree with Lisa, and I'm going to tell you why. What'd you say? I went to my reunion, okay? And I brought the girl that I was with at the time. You knew her. You met her. Oh, I know. Yeah, Molly. I took her. We went, and she had family back in New Jersey. So we all went. And I did not bring her to the reunion. For that very reason. Because if you bring this person that you're dating right now, you're going to feel obligated to try and make sure that person has a good time when you just want to kick back and reminisce with all the people you went to high school with, and you're all going to be telling stories that this other person cannot relate to at all. Yeah, but let's get to the real motivation. He wants to go because he wants to make sure she doesn't go sleep with somebody else. The other question is, does she not want him to go? Oh, no, absolutely. I'm not saying she's not going to hook up in a dress. Holy crap. You slept with these 43 guys? Who can stoop her? Of course she's going to do that. But that has nothing to do with her reason for not bringing him. Hold on here. Time out, man. Is hire an escort, like a male escort, who looks like the Hulk, and then just advertise him as your boyfriend, and then also just give him thousands of dollars, and he just pulls out money for no apparent reason. Yeah, I'm with you. And then that way you look awesome. Here's what you do. Hire somebody, and then just buy all these clothes, and then keep the tags on, return them, buy all this designer stuff, and just look pimp. It's very simple. You go to the reunion, but you leave your vagina at home. I've got an even better idea. You send your boyfriend to the reunion, and have him pick up your tag and say that he's you. Yeah, that's awesome. I love it. Lisa? Lisa? Lisa? Listen up. I forgot what I was going to say. Go on. Drew didn't bring his dad. Listen, I just don't want to hurt anybody. This is it, Lisa. This is what's going on here. I'm going to tell you the deal, okay? You are codependent. I think you need to go to like 12- A little bit. What? Are you going to yell at her and say she's stupid now? You want me to go to a 12-step meeting? He's always so mean to me. I know. You're old. You're fat. And you're stupid. And you're stupid. You're not, Lisa. It's us, Vic. This is an angry home. I'm just imitating Vic. You care too much about his feelings and not your own. You need to focus on your needs. And this is where I think a 12-step, a program- Now she's on drugs. What part of town do you live in? Where do you live? I live on the west side. What's your address? Vic wants to go there. Very popular on the west side. Go to one. There's probably one this weekend. And talk to your current friends. Hold on. Okay. Gus has something for you. Yeah, two things. One, the real advice I would be is I would try to talk your boyfriend into not going so you can keep all your options open. That's the real thing. And two, the most important thing is we should not allow Vic to speak to people. We should put him back in his cage. Seriously. He said my bad. Right? You even said you're a big codependent, right? What's that? Which insult do you want her to correct? You said you are a big codependent. You care a little too much about the other person. You put your feelings second, right? She never said codependent. No. Yes, let the lady talk. You heard codependent. Lisa, let me hear you say it. Yes, am I right? Let me hear you say it. You know what? I take care of people. Exactly. When they... I don't want to ever hurt anyone's feelings, but you know. Listen, put your feelings first. This is your reunion. It's not called a reunion with some dude you've been dating five months. It's hard to get that on your invitation, by the way. Exactly. Yeah. It's not like you're married to him. You know what I mean? He doesn't own you. Okay. Also, Lisa, why aren't you married? What? Say what? Why isn't she married? Why aren't you married, Lisa? They've been dating six months. I'm not talking about this, guys. You don't know my history, actually. Oh, you've been married. You don't know my life, right? You don't know. You don't know me. You don't know who I am. Lisa, I want to tell you something right now, in all seriousness. I've never done this before. Lisa, I've never done this with a caller, and we get thousands. Oh, no. We get thousands. Are you going to make love to the microphone? No, this is what I want you to do. I want you to look me up on Facebook. It's Vic. Hold on. Lisa, it's Vic, C-O-M-I-C-C-O-H-E. Oh, Vic. And you know what? I think that you, I love your voice. I will not insist on going to your reunion. I want you to go and have a good time. And I want you to think about you and me. Because I like how you take care of people. I like how you take care of people. And I'm the same way. I'm the same way, and I think we could have a really good future. Should we leave the room, Vic? Okay. Should everybody leave the room? I have my own children, and I bet you're fertile. I'm sure she is. Lisa, we're going to wrap this up, because we've got a lot more to cover. So the last thing I'm going to leave you with, Lisa, is it is your reunion. You enjoy it. Just remember, I went to my reunion, my 30-year reunion, and I totally hooked up with the girl that I had a crush on since junior high school. That's awesome. It ended miserably, and I suggest you do the same. Get it, Lisa. How many reunions does that chick go to? What are you talking about? She should go to her reunion and hook up with the girl you like. That I went to high school with? That's awesome. I also went to high school. All roads lead back to lesbianism. Just bring protection. Bring some kind of, you know, or- A helmet? And you know what? I am assuming the guy you're dating, because you have a great sense of humor. You're a very nice person. I know the guy that you're dating with is a fantastic human being, and you'll be eager to go see him when you come home. But in the meantime, you go have fun, and- You might as well. If you don't swallow, it's not even cheating. You might as well. We're going to move on. Bye-bye. She might as well cheat, by the way, because he's going to assume, as soon as he's not invited, he's going, to assume she's cheating anyway. You know what? This guy is annoying me. I mean, it's only five minutes. I'm right here, man. I'm right next to you. We're moving on, guys. We're going back to the 100 orgasms a day, and then we're going to our questions. Nice talking with you, Lisa. Bye, Lisa. Bye. Okay. So, this woman who says that she has continuous orgasms, sometimes for several hours at a time throughout the day, and can be caused by even the most mundane of tasks, like the wash. I think she just has the drips. I think she's just peeing. Really? Really? I think so. I think this is just a perfect example of women are never satisfied. The drips? Hold on. Hold on. The drips. I mean, there's not a lot. I'm sure Vic is still turned on by some of that. I actually am. The drips? I like the drips. What kind of cold medicine-having vagina are we talking about? My girlfriend the other day told me that she has the drips because she had so many kids, and there's just nothing. There's a hole in the bucket? Is that what you're talking about? What's going on? Jesus. It just falls out of her. What do you mean it just falls out? It just falls out. Dr. Drew says that- Her intestines? She needs to do Kegels or something. I don't know. Dr. Drew says it's not right back. What the Kegel is? What is a Kegel? A Kegel is when you press. You bear down, you press it, you squeeze. Kegel? It's exercise. I've never had to do them, so. You use a pencil. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just that tight. You grip with the muscles of the vagina, and it tightens the muscle. Yeah. Well, and if you've ever had sex with a girl who's actually good in bed, she'll do that while you're having sex with her. Yes. And it's fucked up. It's fucking awesome. It works on my vagina. It tightens. It's amazing. Hold on. I'm still confused about the drip. I had one that stole my wallet. It's a thing that happens, I think, when you've had a lot of children, or you just lose control here. Dr. Drew says that the vagina snaps right back into place. Yeah. Well, Dr. Drew doesn't have a vagina. Okay. That's a good point. Which Dr. Drew? Are you talking about the quack on TV or this one right here? This one right here. Oh, you, Dr. Drew? You should drink a cup of Shut the Fuck Up, because you have no idea. Okay. I was going to say that. Okay. You didn't just drip stuff out of your vagina. I love you, too. I love you. I mean, I've had sex with girls who had babies, and it was fine. Well, I have a baby, but they made a door for mine, and I had to see sex. I can tell you this. If I had an orgasm from doing laundry, my clothes would be clean. It says right here, this woman, Kim Ramsey, 44, of New Jersey, she's a nurse, and she told the paper that her orgasms, which can be triggered by riding trains or driving, leave her in pain and exhausted. She says, other women wonder how to have an orgasm. I wonder how to have an orgasm. I'm going to stop, mom. I hate to brag, but I dated a woman, and honestly, I gave this woman like 30-plus orgasms. We are. Yeah. I hate to brag, but I'm the best. Yeah, I hate to brag, but I'm going to make up a horseshit story. No, seriously. It's not a story. It's not a thing. But I have advice for her. I think she should just start dating Vic, and then those will dry up. There goes Rick. I'm sorry. I love you, Vic. Oh, man. She called you medicine. Yeah, she did. She did. Orgasm killer medicine. I'm going to call Vic Marix. Oh, no, Vic. You are a vaginal dryer, is what she called you. His actual nickname is Vic Pussy Drying Cone. No. You guys still love Vic. Really? PD. I'll take it, but you know it's all bullshit. I can tell you right now. I know. No, I can tell. I can tell. Well, that's why we're saying it, because you're secure. We know we can give you some shit. I'm not backing up on any of it. I think you're a vaginal dryer. You know what? I'm not backing up on any of it. I mean, I could have had a little baby orgasm just sitting across from you, Vic. That's sweet. Look, if we spent 20 minutes in episodes saying how good you are in bed, I will take 30 seconds and say I don't buy a fucking word of it. I am good in bed. I'm excellent in bed. We believe you. We are moving on, guys. As a woman, I think he would be. I am so comfortable. It's where I'm most comfortable. I'm going to so plow you after this show and see how good the whole talk is. With a woman. Maybe that's why she's having orgasms when she does laundry. She's using a vaginal dryer. Hey, focus up. We're moving on to the questions now, because we're going to run out of time. All right? Okay. We love Vic. We're moving on. Here we go. This one is our first one. It comes from a guy named Danny. Danny didn't say where he's from. The reason I want to do this question is, it's almost with this. The girl I am seeing is a squirter. I never knew what this was until she told me. The first time it happened, I freaked out on her. I thought she peed on me. She did. Don't you fucking kill this woman. She didn't. She says it's normal, but I don't think so. I hate having to do laundry every time I'm with her. What can I do? Wait, because the squirting gets all over the place? Yeah, it soaks the sheets. Get a towel, you dumb motherfucker. No, it's not. I've been with a squirter. She's peeing on you. No. First of all, still hot, but doesn't really matter. Either way, break up with the woman. Give her my number. I'll put some floaties on. I'm over there in a couple of minutes. You enjoy that shit. Oh, it's fantastic. No, I'm a neat freak. When I was with a squirter, I was like, oh my God. We're doing it outside. Do you have to put out a wee-wee pad or something? You get towels, and I'll put the towels down. I'm still doing laundry. Drew comes in with slippers. Your journey's expensive. I'm not doing it. You know what? I have a solution. Put Vic in there. He's the cleanup crew. Oh, she went back to drying. You're the dryer. And then when you're done- Call in the closer. You put the towels in the vaginal dryer. There you go. Give me Vic Kicarides. I met someone like that, and I was so disturbed by- I mean, I loved it, but it did cause some damage to my mattress. So I had to go. What is she, a fire hose? No, no, seriously. Have you ever been with a squirter? Not to where it's going through the mattress. It's a lot. It is a lot. It's a lot. Like a real squirter is a lot. You can fill a large glass. Oh my God, I'm getting nauseous. So what I did is- Well, you don't like vaginas then. I already had, you know, I get a new mattress. She comes over. It even made a sound. It was like- Yeah. And let me tell you my favorite thing about it is that you know when you're done. Yeah. You're nailing it. Because one of the things about squirters is that that only happens when they have an orgasm. No, that's not true. I've gotten girls to squirt two or three times in a session. Well, that's because you gave them two or three orgasms. Yeah. So that's good. But then it's never over. I mean, it- No. Wait, wait, wait. Can I say something? Of course you can. I think basically what that is is that they're just squirting back whatever you put in there. You're dating a super sober? That's great. Okay. So before we move on, final advice here for you, Danny, is just do it at her place. Nice. There you go. That way she has to do the laundry. It was really- I'll just say one thing. I had to go to Bed Bath & Beyond to get a sheet to protect my bed. And I went and said, you know, I couldn't say I had a squirter. So I said, I have a six-year-old who's bedwetting. And did they take- They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. They took it. And I just love that six-year-old's tits. Okay. We're going to move on. Our next question comes from Barry in Northridge. Barry wrote, I recently found out that my mother does porn videos for the internet. Awesome. I'm not a prude. I'm a very sexual and open-minded person. That's not the problem. The problem is I'm 54 and she's 73. Oh. She does videos for a company that does porn for seniors, with seniors, by seniors. Never mind that it's just plain gross in general, but this is my mom. What is his question, though? He's like, what does he want? He wants to know what he can do. I say chill out. Yeah, don't watch it. Let her do what she... I mean, she's old. Let her just fucking... Well, of course he's not watching it. Well, I didn't know that was there. She's not doing it for money, either. There can't be a whole lot of money in 73-year-old porn. Yeah, be when you own old people porn. I would watch it, though, just to see what it is. Right, but you'd watch a train wreck, but there's... You're not... Be happy your mom's getting some. The reason I don't watch... I don't know. The reason I don't watch... Yeah, seriously. The reason I don't watch old people porn is because I'm afraid I will get too turned on by it, and then it will become my new thing. Like you'll have to fuck old ladies. Go to wrinklyclam.org, Vic. Oh, my God. Wrinklyclam.org. No, I like it because it's... Or it's an organization. Awesome. Thank God. Nonprofit. It's not a profit. It's not a profit. It's nonprofit. No, you see, look, I don't like too much government, you know, but I think there should be a law that after a certain age you're not allowed to have sex anymore. I think that is so wrong. I don't know about that. I mean, like, you know, I have fantasies about when I get older, like really old, I just want to become a heroin addict, you know what I mean? Because, like, what's the... I mean, like, just let loose at that point. You know what I mean? Like, do porn. If I ever do drugs, that's what I'm going to do when I'm, like, 85, 90. It's like, well, my body's already dead. Let's have some fucking fun. Yeah, exactly. Loosen up. He needs to loosen up. I think old people, you know, old's also a matter of opinion. I mean, Drew, some of us would be considered old. You know, you talk to a teenager. Oh, I'm considered old to certain people. There's no doubt. I mean, so old is just a matter of opinion. It's a number, but he's talking about, like, a senior. A 73. I should get laid soon because that number, I'm coming up to it. Pretty soon I'm going to forbid myself from ever having sex again. I mean, like I said, there's probably not a... She can't be making too much money. So the thing is, is your 73-year-old mom's not doing it for the work. She's doing it because she's a whore. In which case, let her get some. Old hoe. Nobody's going to call her on it because what are they going to say? Hey, I was watching senior porn the other day and nobody's going to call her on it. So you're good. The worst thing for me is I'd probably... I want to see my mom. Oh, you're gross. Oh, that's hard. A new low. You're old. I think I have some photos on my phone. Some old dude is going to come up to this guy, this 53-year-old, some really 80-year-old guy is going to come up to this 53-year-old and be like, with his mom there, and is just going to hit on his mom right in front of him and be like, I saw you in... I'm your new daddy now. In silver muffs. And you're a great actress. I've had women that just didn't use their teeth, but not once. One that just took them out. All right, our next question. This is a short one. This comes from Hector in Madison, Wisconsin. He just wrote, how do I get my wife to try fisting? You can punch her in the vagina. Oh, my God. By being a dick. Yeah. Turn into a guy. No, we'll make this one quick. Hector, just be romantic. Just put a ring on it. No. No. Hector. Why does he want to fist her anyway? Why is that fun for a guy? I don't understand that. Hector, you are a brutal animal. If you want to do that to your wife, you make me sick. He might just be a ventriloquist. Maybe he's protesting. Power to the pussy. There's nothing pleasant. A woman doesn't enjoy fisting. Thank you. How do you know? Because it's just a cool act. There's one or two who enjoy pain, and those girls... But here's the thing. Those girls are fucked up. Whatever vagina is a boxer. And they're getting lots of money, too. Marie, I would never want to fist you. Thank you. I'd never want you to. I don't want to do that. That sounds creepy. I had a girl ask me to punch her in the tit once. Really? It was fucking terrible. See, I'm the more violent one. I don't like people hitting me. Yeah, how would I want to do that? I told her, no, I'm not going to punch you in the tit. I would pull your hair a little bit. I'm not going to lie to you. I'd want to choke somebody out, but I don't want them to choke me out. I have a little fist. You can choke me out. I'm cool with that. I'm a giver. I have the smallest fist here. I'm not doing it. You want to fist me? No, no. Stop. Marie had a little fist. I don't know why that's fun. All right, well... It's not. I do not want to see rock-pike someone in a tit, though. We don't approve fisting here on the show, so we'll move on with this one. I hope my parents don't hear this show. This one comes from Kylie in Oceanside. Too bad I sent them the link. Oh, no. We have a call from Marie's parents. Oh, my God. I've done some weird shit. What do you want? I'd be like, what are you doing? Our next question. This one comes from Kylie in Oceanside, and Kylie wrote in on the site and says, every year a group of us girls go on vacation together. We've been friends since high school. This last trip, one of my friends came out, and she said to me that she always wanted to be with me. Do it. Now, I've always... I've always thought that she was really pretty, but I'm married now. Do it. Wait. Now, she wants to know, is it cheating on your husband if you're just with another woman? Do it with him there. She says the other woman even joked that we should film it and then give him a copy. Do it. Now, would that be a good or a bad thing to do? Good. It sounds like Jason's on the fence. Gee, what does Jason think? There's clearly a right answer here, and that is you need to get with that girl while your husband watches. Yeah. Although, I don't know about the videotape. And then if he doesn't want to, if he says, I don't really want to do that, call him a pussy. No. You see, now, I disagree with you, Gus. Videotape's not a great idea unless you're Kim Kardashian. I will hold the camera. I say if you're going to do that, absolutely the videotape because now you're giving yourself a present and him. There is no way he's not going to be like... No, no. I wouldn't do it on videotape. Nothing on tape because everything goes on YouTube. Sorry. Kylie. Kylie. You disappoint me. I knew this was coming. She's not a caller. The point is that that's cheating. That is cheating. Not if he's good with it and in the room. It is. If he's good with it and in the room, it's not cheating. I think that Vic is right. You should tell your husband you're going to do it. Yes. You talk first. You own your own body and you can do whatever the hell you want. You guys are assuming that this other woman wants him in the room. The other woman said that they could film it and give him a copy. Yeah, yeah. No, no. He can't be in the room. He may not want to see it. He may not even want to be a part of it. Well, then he's just retarded like you. No. Well, you know, some guys don't like to share. You know what I mean? I am two of those guys. Are you that guy? Yeah, I am that guy. If I'm only cheating if there's a penis involved. No, that's not true. No, no, no, no. That's not true. If he doesn't know about it, here's the thing is, if he doesn't know about it, it could be cheating to him, in which case you're screwed, no pun intended, if you don't tell him. Okay, if this is bad advice, go for it. If this is real advice, you're cheating on your husband. You could destroy your marriage. He needs to know about it. He needs to know about it. You can't do it in secret. Definitely not do it in secret. Sit in a corner and have his fucking fun, but don't put anything on tape, because sooner or later, your electrician puts that on YouTube. Dude, it always gets out. Haven't you heard of My Ex-Girlfriend? I don't know if those are real ex-girlfriends. Is that a site, My Ex-Girlfriend? She could be that 73-year-old silver muff. Oh, my God. Wrinklyclam.org. How often we are on tape. I mean, you know, the way people videotape everywhere. Wrinklyclam.org brings you silver muffs. 27. If you missed the first 26, you better go watch them. Great. Well, then, we're going to move on, but you see, now, the way you answered that question makes me wonder what you're going to do with this one, because Pauline Encino says, my wife is always asking me questions that I know I cannot tell the truth to. She says she wants honesty, but I know it'll just lead to a fight. Is it okay to lie to a spouse? Yeah, but what is it about? If she's fat, then you lie. You know what I mean? You say, no, you're not fat, but if they bang the chick, then... But then the answer to that question is, yes, it's okay to lie. Yes. Yeah, it depends on the circumstances. No, well, you can quantify it, but it's a yes or no question. It's okay to lie if you want to stay with your spouse. Yeah, if you want to live. If you don't want chalk around your body, lie. If she catches you looking at a girl, and she goes, you want to fuck that chick? You go, no. I was looking at her like a painting. I'm sorry. I have to say, you keep... Yeah, honesty is good. You keep the lines of communication open. Bullshit. As long as it's not offensive. As long as it's not offensive. I mean, we've been married a long time, like seven years. That advice from the married woman was, tell the truth as long as there's no reason to lie. That's what that advice is. This guy is looking for a way out from telling the truth. I don't like it. I think we're going to have an affair. There's something going on here, possibly. And I'm not going to co-sign with this guy. He's a liar. He's a cheat. I love how our fans are like, I don't know if Vic likes me. I don't think Vic likes anybody in the show. Yeah, because the question she's asking is, are you cheating on me? And he's like, no. It's a bigger question than just... There's usually a couple of small lies that you have to get through. Like, no, you don't look fat. And yes, I love you. That's how I am every day with my husband. No, you don't look fat. Yes, I love you. And the other one is, no, you don't talk too much. I know. You know what? I don't talk too much at all. I bet you don't. I don't. Only here. If you use that voice, you can talk. Really? I've had a girl... Unless you tell me with that voice that squirting's not real, which kind of pissed me off. Squirting isn't real. Well, you know what? Actually, yeah, it still works. I flew to Kansas to be with a woman, and it was real. It's your stuff. It's your stuff. Like, I didn't think I brought that much stuff with me, but there it was. Man, I don't drool that much, I'm pretty sure. I do. All right. Well, there you go. That's your... As far as advice, we all agree. It's like you should not lie to your wife unless it's something you should be lying about. I think he's a douchebag. He's not giving us examples of the lies. What is this guy, 10 years old? That's a ridiculous question. Should I lie? I mean, be specific. Considering you're telling him no and you're wrong, I think it's a fair question. Yeah. I agree. It's a perfectly fair question. It's totally a fair question. I lied to my wife all the time about just small things. It's not a big deal. Yeah. And she lied to me, I'm sure. Like, what's the small thing you lie about? I did not cheat on you. I did not love her. I did not fist my own butt. Right. Exactly. I used to lie to my wife at points. You know, like, one time she... No. Okay, there's a perfect example. It's healthy for you. Our money in a library book, because somebody told her, hey, if you put money in books, thieves never steal books. Oh. Oh. So she put money in a library book and returned it. And I just pretended I wasn't mad. And I was like, no, I'm not mad at you. Everybody makes mistakes. Did you pretend she wasn't... But that was a lie. Did you pretend she wasn't stupid? It was like $350. Holy crap. She put $350 in a book? Yeah. And then returned it? Did she get the money back? Did you return the girlfriend? Somebody's reading. That was actually the wife. Oh. But, you know, at the same time, one time I was, like, put in charge of paying the bills, and I went and mailed all the bills, and then they came back when I didn't put stamps on them. So... That's it. That's it. You know what? That's not that horrible. Forgetting something is a little different than, hey, I used fucking the Dewey Decimal System as my bank account. But they both forgot something. But that's what I'm saying. They both forgot. You have to forget. You're not forgetting when you put your money in the library book. She's got other things to worry about. We've got other questions to get to. I was going to say, the guys will probably kill me for this, but I even think lying to your wife or girlfriend about looking at porn is a mistake. Mm-hmm. I think you've got to be honest about everything. It depends what you're watching. I always... I wouldn't lie about that. Seriously, if you're watching that granny porn, there's no way your wife is going to want to hear that. Dude, I download clips and edit them so that I have clips I like together. If it's an old video, old footage of... It's got an archive. Yeah. Old footage of Vic's frat days is not a good idea. My wife used to get pissed at me because I would pleasure myself in bed next to her. She'd say, stop shaking the bed. Well, okay. It was about the shake. It wasn't about your pleasure. Yeah, go to the bathroom, man. You're trying to sleep. Fuck. Next question, then. Keep it a secret. Next question, we have... This one comes from Paul in Santa Ana. It says, my wife's son from a previous marriage has been staying with us and sleeping on our couch. It's bad enough that he and I don't particularly get along, but every night I have to hear this kid furiously masturbating in the other room. How do I get this kid out of the house and off my couch? Well, first of all, furious? What is he yelling at his dick? Yeah, that's my favorite. That's my favorite phrase, furiously masturbating. Furiously masturbating. That's hilarious. Like, oh! Yeah! Literally beating his meat. Like, he's actually, like, hurt his arm furiously masturbating before. He's pulled... He's in a sling. He dislocated his elbow. The advice is simple, though. If you're not... First of all, you either... The first thing you probably do is you cover the couch in saran wrap. That makes that relatively obvious. When the kid goes... You just tell him he can keep the couch. No. But he may do that. When he starts masturbating, you go out and you just look at him. That's what I'm saying. You go sit next to him. You sit next to him and go, want to race? That's it. Done. He's out. You mean, you want to race masturbating together? Can you do that? Can you do that? We don't know, like, if the kid's 40, you know, we don't know how old he is, right? I mean, you gotta... Is that fine? Is that the age that's fine masturbating in the middle of the living room? You have a man-to-man, you'd say. Only if you're doing it furiously. I would have a talk with the person. First of all, it's the girlfriend's... Would you stop with all this good advice? The fuck? Yeah, I know. No good advice. I'm trying to help, actually. I didn't get the memo. Hey, there's a door down there. There's a doctor's office over there, dude. No, it says, my wife's son from the previous marriage has been staying with us. Right, he should talk to his wife. And have her talk about it. It's none of his business. Are you new to the show? Have you been here before? Yeah. Maybe he's angry at his penis. He is furious. He's furious. I'm mad at mine. I say you go out there and while he's jerking it, you punch him in the dick. Maybe he's just like, why can't this be bigger? No, the way to do it, actually, is you fuck his mother really loud in the room. Yeah. That's true. That's good. That's creative. That's creative, Vic. Yeah, hi. You can jerk off on the table, on the coffee table, and then blame it on him in the morning. Be like, dude, that's not mine. Make him clean it up. That's true. There you go. I'd say you install one of those cameras, you know, like the hidden little nanny cams and just keep showing his mother. I would also put a box of Kleenex there and say, you know, I mean, humiliate him. Shame him. That will help. Now you went back to Lifetime. What's the matter with you? Vic Cohen and Meredith Baxter and who gives a shit? All right, our next question, this one's from Matt in Valencia. It says, my neighbor's dogs bark all night long. It just never stops. It's so loud that I can't sleep. I tried talking to him, but he says they're just being dogs and that I should deal with it. I don't want to get the cops involved because he's kind of a scary guy. I don't want to get on his bad side, but what can I do? Any suggestions? Move. Move? What? Why? It's his house. Yeah, but he's never going to kick this guy's ass and he can't kill the dogs because that's not nice. If anything happens to the dogs, this guy will now know anyway. Yeah, so he's got to move. I'll come over. I will beat the shit out of that dude. It'll be super embarrassing because I weigh 133 pounds. Yes, I can see you kicking some ass. No, I'll destroy this motherfucker. Yeah, you and Vic will totally rip it apart. He shouldn't have talked to the guy about the dog in the first place. Right. Because now he knows he's on the radar. He's a target. You either have to kill both dogs and you try to frame it as a murder-suicide. You never kill a dog. You never kill a dog. You can't kill a dog. You should give the dogs alcohol. You're all wrong. No, he gives my digestion and the pit bull gets out on accident. I say this from experience. An antidepressant like a Xanax. Get a prescription. I assumed you wrote this question. No, I did not. A Xanax is awesome. This happened at my house. Baby Tyler. Really? It happened, yeah, and I'll tell you what I did and I'm not proud of this. I am proud of you for this, by the way, but go ahead. I, I had a bad experience with Ambien, so I had an abundant supply because I'm like, I'm not taking it anymore. Why, did you think you could fly on it or something? No, I sent texts that I don't remember sending and it was like mushy romantic stuff and I'm like, who sent this to me? And the person's like, you sent that to me. I'm like, okay, I'm never taking Ambien again, but you know what? The Ambien works great for the dogs. And you never text your mom anymore late at night. No, I don't. No, that's good. Yeah, but do these dogs like commit suicide on the Ambien? No, they occasionally make something but leave the refrigerator open. Or write love letters. You could have killed that dog. No, I only gave it a little bit. Okay. No, it was the stabbing that he did that probably could have killed the dog. I like the alcohol enema. While on Ambien. All right, well listen, I want to thank everybody for being here. This has been a great show. You can join us every week, Saturday, two to three. I want to thank our callers. Make sure you like us on Facebook. We will be back next week here on Skid Row Studios from two to three. Everyone, one big goodbye. Thanks for being here. Bye. Later. Did you even get to eat your food? Yeah. Chinese out on the way. I only got to eat. I have my mother's dreams. I have my father's eyes. He can't take that from me. Just go ahead and try. The crescent city sleeps while giants in the sky preparing to unleash that lucid mighty cry. Can nobody save us? Will anyone try? The pirate was burning. The cypress...