📄 Transcript [show]
Thank you.
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Thank you.
I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature I'm not your nature We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
It goes all the way down.
Tell a woman she is so beautiful, she'll believe all the other lies.
The key to beauty is hanging around with real ugly people.
I have a story to tell you.
It may hurt your feelings a bit.
Last night when I walked into the bathroom, I stepped into a big pile of shaving cream.
Be nice and clean.
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
I think I'll break up with my girlfriend.
Her antics are queer.
I admit each time I say, darling, I love you, she tells me that I'm full of...
Our baby fell out of the window.
You'd think that her head would be split.
But good luck was with her that morning.
She fell in a barrel of...
An old lady died in a bathtub.
She died from a terrible fit.
In order to fulfill her wishes, she was buried in six feet of...
When I was in France with the army, one day I looked into my kit.
I thought I would find me a sandwich, but the darn thing was loaded with...
And now, folks, my story has ended.
I think it's time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended, just step into a pile of shit!
A codfish lays 10,000 eggs, and the homely hen lays one.
The codfish never cackles and tells you when she's...
done.
So instead of codfish, it's the humble hen we prize.
If it only goes to show you that it pays to advertise.
Now, little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, spreading her legs so wide.
Ha-cha-cha!
Along came a spider who sat right beside her, took one whiff, and died.
Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!
Cutie, cutie, cutie!
There once was a man, from Gorsham, who took his bollocks to Worsham.
His wife said, Jack, if you don't put them back, I'll stand on the bastard and squash him.
Well, you see, a young lady got swept by the tide, and all I saved was a full pile of pride, along with two wanks.
Well, you see, out came my shank.
All I...
I wanted was...
was just a...
a ride.
I just...
I'mبة somebody to the membrane!
I'm escaping the membrane!
I can't take this anymore!
I'm crazy!
I'm crazy!
I can't take this anymore!
I can't take this anymore!
I can't take this anymore!
I'm crazy!
I'm inside the membrane!
I can't help it!
Shut up!
I can't help it!
I can't help it!
You're nuts!
You're absolutely insane!
You're in the state of the membrane, so am I.
We have something in common, okay?
All right?
I'm crazy!
Shut up, you white coats.
You're not coming yet.
Go in a corner and do something.
Oh.
Sid and Sadie.
A fellow by the name of Sid Abel had a big fight with his wife, Sadie Abel.
Sid was under the weather, and Sadie Abel was very capable of knitting a sweater.
If only her husband's head was cleared up and felt better.
Sid said, I'm sick of your fucking ugly sweater!
And if you weren't so effing ugly, you'd look better!
And sadly, Sadie got up and said, Shut your big ugly mouth.
I'm moving out.
And Sid was abrupt and didn't shut up.
So Sadie grabbed four suitcases and filled them up and moved to Beverly Hills.
She had her fill and stood still.
And she cried and cried.
Five years of marriage was suddenly dead.
And she looked into the mirror and she put her hair up in dreads.
And she moved to a condo without a dime.
She started to work for a plastic surgeon, Dr. C.
Dr. Harry Fine.
Soon they fell in love with the full moon above.
They had sex.
And when push comes to shove, they looked at the moon above.
Yes, they were deeply in love.
And Sid now regrets calling his ex-wife a filthy bitch.
Now she's filthy rich.
And Sadie had her husband.
Somebody to give her a facelift, a body lift, a boob lift, as a gift.
Sadie the new lady nibbled on a bagel and a piece of lox.
And sure enough, here comes the Botox.
Not to mention another injection.
Just for infection.
Yes, and now her body glows.
Her boobs really show.
And she giggles and she loves her life as her tush starts to wiggle.
And her new husband Fine says, everything is divine.
I want to meet.
I want to meet.
I want to meet.
One of my patients.
His name is Hep.
And you know who he is.
He's really Hep.
And sometimes he's funny and sometimes he's not.
But I'm going to put you into Playboy.
And little behold, Sadie's body turned to gold.
Harry got Hep to put her in the newest Playboy centerfold.
And as time went by, her ex-husband Sid was in a bad mood.
He was very sorry for what he did.
But his divorce, unfortunately, took him for a surprise.
And looking at a new Playboy centerfold, he couldn't believe his eyes.
He wanted to choke the chicken.
And his life was turning to mold.
He pulled down his jock.
He showed his cock and he showed his rocks.
And he suddenly went into shock.
Let it be hold that this centerfold I was told, was my ex-wife Sadie.
And Sid said out loudly, Lord, I had a good life.
To hell with my ex-wife.
And he cut off his penis with a kitchen knife.
But Harry lived and he forgave.
He repented for his sins and drank half a bottle of gin.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
He said in a dream, I had you, babe.
I got you, babe.
I got you, babe.
I got you, babe.
It had to be you.
I wandered around and finally found the somebody who could make me be true.
Could make me be blue.
Or even be glad just to be sad.
Thinking of you.
Some of those I've seen.
Might never be me.
Might never be cross.
Or try to be boss.
But they wouldn't do.
For nobody else gave me a thrill.
With all your faults, I love you still.
It had to be you.
Wonderful you.
It had to be you.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born to be somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
I was born somebody.
Might never be me Might never be cross Tried to be boss They wouldn't do For nobody else Gave me a tell Whether you're boss I love you still Baby, it had to be you Wonderful you Had to be you And now, because you've all Been so sweet Another duet for you They say We're young and we don't Know Won't find out until We grow Well I don't know I doubt guess it's true cause you got me baby i got you babe i got you babe i got you babe they say our love won't pay the rent before it's earned our money's always spent well i don't know we ain't got no plot still i'm sure all the love we got babe i got you babe i got you babe i got flowers in the spring i got you to wear my ring when i'm sad you're a clown when i get scared you're always around some people say your hair's too long i don't care with you i can't go wrong so put your little hand in my there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb babe i got you babe i got you babe i got you babe i got you babe oh thank you thank you thank you how wonderful you are god bless you all oh how wonderful thank you guys thank you thank you that was i got you baby Tiny Tim.
I'm insane in the membrane.
I'm insane in the membrane.
I can't take this no more.
I don't know what's going on.
What's going on here?
What do I do?
What do I do?
Help me.
Give me a Fisbrin.
Somebody.
Help.
Help.
Ahem.
A strange fellow from Leeds swallowed a package of seeds.
Great fruits of green grass sprouted out of his ass, and his balls were covered with weeds.
Did you hear about Harry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast blew up his balls and up his ass, and his pecker was found in his pocket.
There was a young girl from Cape Cod who thought babies were fashioned by God.
T'was not the Almighty that hiked up her nightie.
It was Roger the Lodger.
My God.
There was a sailor named Bates who dances the fandango on skates.
A fall on his cutlass has removed from him nutless and practically useless on a date.
There was a girl named Anheuser who claimed no man could surprise her.
So I took a chance.
She found a Schlitz in her pants.
Now she drinks a lot of Budweiser.
There was a rugweaver in Coulomb who liked caring nuts.
Men in his room, in the height of his fever, the demented weaver is what we call a fruit of the loomer.
While dining in Peru, a woman found a dick in her stew.
The waiter said, please don't shout and don't wave it about, because the others will want one too.
The sea captain, tender's young bride, fell into a bay at low tide.
You could tell by her squeals that some of the eels had discovered a dark place to hide.
There once was a man from Sarand who thought stroking his penis was grand.
He started in distaste at the geladeous paste that found him in the palm of his hand.
A steward who worked on a clipper was a little bit of a nipper.
He plugged up his ass with fragments of glass.
He circumcised his poor little skipper.
There once was a man from Peru who fell asleep in a canoe.
Dreaming of Venus and playing with his penis, he awoke in a canoe full of goo.
Oh boy.
You know, you could always tell whether a woman had a facelifted.
Every time she crosses her legs, her mouth opens up.
It's a good thing, folks.
Beauty's only skin deepens.
Or I'd be rotten to the core.
That was Phyllis Diller.
Plastic surgery.
A fantastic Mae West and a movie actress.
You know, the one thing that she always said, her famous line, you know, why don't you come up and see me sometime?
Any way to make a long story long and a short story short.
A plastic surgeon.
A fantastic plastic surgeon.
Mae West was knocked down by a car.
And she was laying unconscious.
On the roadside.
She felt herself drifting through a long, dark tunnel towards the light.
And she met God.
It's not your time to go, God said.
You have at least another 30 to 40 years of life.
So she went back to Earth.
Where she made a full recovery.
Mae West was so grateful.
And she was so lucky to escape.
That when she was discharged from the hospital.
She decided to embark on a new way of life.
She went to the best doctors in Beverly Hills for a complete makeover.
And she basically revised herself from plastic surgery.
And she was very grateful that this happened to her.
Because she put her body back in her original state.
And she says, doctor, you can come up and see me sometime.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, a new revolutionary, sensational new skin cream.
Is now invented by white folk, egg yolk, chimps, punks, spunks, and Grand Funk Railroad.
Endorsed by the Master Bait Society.
Spunky, funky, crunky, chunky, monkey frame cream.
Don't hesitate before your skin flakes off.
What are you waiting for?
Rub it on your face.
Rub it on your penis.
Put it on your butt.
Put it on your puss, your tuss.
Don't be a wuss.
Why let your skin go down to nothing?
What the FK are you waiting for?
Available at leading stores throughout your area.
Endorsed by the American Bugle Boys.
Yes, pom-pom girls and dildo heads.
Spunky, funky, chunky, monkey cream.
Save your skin.
But most of all, important, save your ass.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
You're listening to Chickster's Nest on Skid Row Studios.
And it's a pleasure to be here.
Of course, it's a pleasure to be anywheres.
I'm happy.
I really am happy.
Now for the City Slickers New Year's resolutions.
I'm proud to say that Dr. Birdbath has promised not to give girls with a new look that old whistle.
George Rock, our jovial 200-pound trumpet player, has promised to throw away his yo-yo.
And Doodles Weaver resolves not to steal my Esquire magazines.
Is that right, Doodles?
Come horse.
I'm horse.
No, I mean of course.
Sure.
And the rest of the Slickers...
We're ready for the downbeat maestro.
Okay, we give you our New Year's resolution.
Happy New Year!
This is my New Year's resolution.
When my mother-in-law begins to yell and shout.
I would like to throw her out.
But I resolve not to do it.
Here is why.
I'm afraid of hitting someone passing by.
This is my New Year's resolution.
When I'm at the movies watching L.O.C.
And a lady's dad is blocking half the screen.
I resolve not to shout.
Take off that hat.
I'll remove it.
Gently with a baseball bat.
This is my New Year's resolution.
When I take a lovely lady out to eat.
And she orders caviar instead of meat.
I resolve to let the lady have her fill.
And of course I'll also let her pay the bill.
This is my New Year's resolution.
Come on, Sir Frederick Gass.
How about you?
Let's hear your resolution.
When I'm sitting with my wife.
This is my New Year's resolution.
On a bus.
And a dear old lady stands in front of us.
I resolve to be a gentleman discreet.
And politely offer her my wifey seat.
This is my New Year's resolution.
How about you, George Rock?
Mother says it's good to learn to read and spell.
But it's best to learn to play piano well.
So I resolve to practice hard and learn to play.
Cause who knows I may be president someday.
This is my New Year's resolution.
Hey, doodle-dee-doo-doo.
How about Professor Beetle-bop, huh?
On the radio this year I hope to scar.
With some funny jokes you've never heard before.
I resolve not to tell a corny joke.
Hello, what's that?
The church burned down.
Holy smoke.
This is my rarest new Rubelisha-vibelution.
Dorothy Shea.
Miss Dorothy Shea.
Left the Ozarks just to see the USA.
Cause I want to see the USA.
I want to see the USA.
I want to see the USA.
I want to learn to speak the proper way.
I resolve to learn my ABCs and G.
Maybe H-I-J-K-L-S-M-F-T.
This is my New Year's resolution.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, yeah.
In this coming year I'm gonna be discreet.
Have the slickers playing music soft and sweet.
I resolve to treat Tchaikovsky tenderly.
And set a second movement off with TNT.
Here we go.
hope this coming year could bring you lots more laughs and snickers.
Yes, Happy New Year, everybody.
And that was Happy New Year by Spike Jones.
That's an old classic tune.
I know I made my resolutions for 2013.
Should have been revolutions.
But anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to tell you that I don't want you to go away, all you puppies and pussies, goats and sheep.
Coming up is claustrophobia with up to the minute last second news.
And then you will hear from the one and only Una Moon with astrological forecast.
She'll tell you an old tale, a Shel Silverstein poem and words of wisdom.
She'll even go to some Skid Row bars.
I mean, try to sing a few bars.
But right now, let's hear it from the news.
Hello, ladies, Waldos, dildos and the brainless, the weird and the dreadful.
Welcome to up to the minute last second news.
And this, my friends, is claustrophobia, your correspondent bringing it all to you.
I'm the diaper man, the fur pie.
I'm the diaper man, the fur pie.
I'm the diaper man, the fur pie.
I'm the diaper man, the fur pie.
I'm the diaper man, the fur pie.
I'm the diaper man, the fur pie.
And on the freeways, I said, would you shut up?
I got a radio show to do.
I'm on the news.
Thank you.
And on the freeways, the traffic creeps.
And the Angelenos beep.
Flash.
Flash in the pants.
This just in.
Will you stop trying to butt fuck me?
I'm sorry, folks.
There was a young man from Hong Kong.
Yes, who had fingers that were skinny and long.
He ate rice with his fingers.
The taste of it lingers.
But now all his fingers are gone.
They're gone.
We lived our little drama.
We kissed in a field of white.
And stars fell on Alabama last night.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
I can't forget the glamour.
Your eyes held a tender light.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
And stars fell on Alabama last night.
I never planned in my imagination a situation so heavenly every day every day every day Oh, heavenly, a fairyland where no one else could enter.
And in the center, just you and me.
My heart beat like a hammer.
My arms wound around you tight.
And stars fell on Alabama last night.
I never planned my imagination.
A situation so heavenly.
Oh, heavenly, a fairyland where no one else could enter.
And in the center, just you and me.
My heart beat like a hammer.
It's like a hammer.
My arms wound around you tight.
And stars fell on Alabama last night.
Hello, everyone.
This is Una Moon, your friendly astrologist, and astrological forecaster here at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California.
For all of you tourists that have a birthday today, happy, happy birthday.
Today, April 28th, you'll break big goals down into small chunks and get to work in May.
June puts a new person in your life.
And for all of the other tourists, this beautiful day, here is your astrological forecast.
You are finding a new sense of identity apart from your family role.
You accept that your family did their best for you.
Your lucky numbers are 20, four, 17, 39, and 18.
Your lucky numbers are 20, four, 17, 39, and 18.
Today, we are speaking of beauty, beauty, and beauty.
Today, we are speaking of beauty, beauty, and beauty.
Today, we are speaking of beauty, beauty, and love.
Remember, beauty is always in the eye of the beholder.
Speaking of love, Venus was the goddess of physical love who presided over drawing people together to marry and animals to mate.
It was her son, Cupid, that did the heavy lifting.
It was his arrows that quickened desire.
In this complex motherhood, mother-son relationship, Venus could not fully perform her duties without Cupid's contribution.
Thus, Venus kept tight control over her son's activities, micromanaging who he shot with his arrows and when.
You could say that Venus-Cupid relationship mirrors the relationship of mother and son before the son matures through sexual development to manhood.
I have a little poem called The Beauty of a Woman.
The beauty of a woman isn't in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that's the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman isn't a facial mole, but truly beauty in a woman is reflected by her soul.
It's the caring that she cares to give, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.
Now, a little poem by my favorite poet, Shel Silverstein, called Nobody.
Nobody loves me, nobody cares, nobody picks me peaches and pears, nobody offers me candy and cokes, nobody listen and laughs at my jokes, nobody helps when I get in a fight, nobody does all my homework at night, nobody misses me, nobody cries, nobody thinks I'm a wonderful gal.
So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz, I'll stand up and tell you that nobody is.
But yesterday night, I got quite a bit of a shock.
I got a little bit of a shock from a friend who was a little girl.
I got a little bit of a shock from a friend who was a little girl.
I got a little bit of a scare.
I woke up and nobody just wasn't there.
I woke up and nobody just wasn't there.
I called out and reached out for nobody's hand I called out and reached out for nobody's hand in the darkness where nobody usually stands.
in the darkness where nobody usually stands.
Then I poked through the house in each cranny and nook, but I found somebody each place that I looked.
I searched till I'm tired and now with the dawn there's no doubt about it nobody's gone.
The moment I wake up The moment I wake up The moment I wake up before I put on my makeup before I put on my makeup I say a little prayer for you I say a little prayer for you while combing my hair now while combing my hair now and wondering what dress to wear now I say a little prayer for you Forever and ever Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart and I will love you We'll part, oh how I love you Together forever That's how it must be He's insane in the membrane Chickster's insane He's insane in the membrane Now back to the Chickster I'm insane in the membrane I'm insane in the membrane I can't take this no more I'm cracking up I'm cracking up Oh shut up You shut up Get this fly out of here Darn it I'm losing my pinwheels I'm losing my head I'm losing my hat Oh boy I'm sorry folks Oh hello once again You crazy fucks Forgive me kiddies I mean you know I mean folks You know I was thinking about playing piano And making a few bucks on the side I don't mean bending backwards Because you see I'm really not Greek I'm not a freak And speaking of bucks I know a man who gives hookers money Just to get them back on their feet Yes ladies and gentilia This is your host who loves you The best man in the world The most just like spreading toast I'm the one and only Libra Ranchi But that's okay You can nickname me Cucaracha Today's show yes It certainly is about beauty You know the other day I was putting on my pancake makeup And last night Somebody poured syrup all over my body I was so shocked That one of my legs gave out I felt like I was going to IHOP IHOP You know Folks my nephew Went to Europe to study Piano And the neighbors sent him Anyway folks A piano teacher I know Addressed a problem student If you can't behave I'm going to tell your parents You have real talent I thought you'd get a kick out of that one You know folks There are two ways to handle a woman And nobody knows either of them I thought you'd get a kick out of that one I thought that was kind of funny Well folks it's about that time Of course I'll be around any time Um
