Count Boogie performs kink songs and discusses BDSM

Did you just do something silly? No. Okay, because I looked over at you and you were laughing at yourself. I was laughing, not at myself. I was actually laughing at our guest who was doing some acoustic accompaniment to the daft punk that was on, which was hilarious. Hello and welcome to Intellectual Kink, although you might think that we're one of them musical shows, but we ain't. We is a kinky show. Hey, who are you? I happen to be Insidious Muse. And I happen to be Service Sly. And we happen to have a guest. And we do happen to have a guest. The fantastic Count Boogie is with us. Good evening. He is humorous and talented. He is hume talented. Yeah, that's me. I am a ball of magic. Like his head, which you rub like a Buddha belly and it gives you good luck. Or it squirts fluids at you. Your head is a G-spot? I was ramming a G-spot today and I swear to God, man. There is nothing that gets you. You just squirt faster. Than rubbing your head. All right. It was a stuffed animal though. You made a stuffed animal squirt? I did. Did you squirt stuffing? It was, no, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And it goes, that's what it sounds like. There's no real build up to it. You just go, come on, you dirty fucking bitch. Oh yeah, get it. And then, and you kind of go in, in the vulva down. You know, I had, I had the stuffed animal doggy style. So you come down and then. I see that. And then that was it. It was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a God. You were a stuffed animal God. I am a stuffed animal God. That's true. Do you rape many stuffed animals? I do. All right, cool. You want to hear a short song about it? I do. I want to hear a short song about this. Okay. Ready? Let's go. Crack a beer and let's go to stuffed animal orgy. If you make love to a stuffed animal, it's not bestiality. Just grab that furry critter and grab a tubaloob. And go ahead and do what comes naturally to you. You can never get one pregnant. You'll never hear one. You'll never hear one lie. The neighbors might get scared, but they can all fuck off and die. Stuffed animal orgy. Yes. Bravo. That's my stuffed animal song. And now everybody knows why we have him on. For that. Just for stuffed animals. Because, you know, that's where you learn a lot of kink. From stuffed animals? Absolutely. Well, I mean, you're, look, you get into the lifestyle and you're like, all right, I'm total Dom. I know I'm a Dom. I'm a Dom-ly Dom. Because I have Dom eyebrow. You guys want to see Dom eyebrow? Yes. It doesn't really pan, you know, to the listening audience, but here, check it out. See that? Oh, isn't that the people's eyebrow? No, that's fucking Dom eyebrow. It's not the people's eyebrow. It's the people's eyebrow. Whatever. It is. That's the people's eyebrow. I don't even know what that means. The rock does it. The people's eyebrow. Like that. The rock? The rock. Oh. The wrestling guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The people's eyebrow. The rock. The rock. The rock. The rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. The people's eyebrow. Yeah. No. You can Google it. It's a thing. Whatever. That's Dom eyebrow. I've completely destroyed his world. No. But I like that it's destroyed. He was destroyed. His full stop was the guitar. Don't fuck with my pro-Dom status. Ooh. Ooh. I make big money on pro-Dom eyebrows. Eyebrows. Because that's the 50 Shades of Grey avenue. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because that's what they want. You know, they read the fantasy. No, they want crops on their pussies. That's what they want. Was that in Fifty Shades of Grey? It was. I actually read all three books. I did a Fifty Shades in stick figures. Have you not seen it? I have not seen it. I will have to show it to you after the show. It's amazing. Fantastic. It's amazing. I've got nothing now. Cropping pussies. That's it. How do you not have anything with that? Cropping pussies is a thing. You don't have a cropping pussy song? It sounds like it'd be a love song. Let's write it. We're making up a song now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cropping pussies, cropping pussies, smack, smack. Yeah. Okay, what would the next verse be? Come on, don't you guys harmonize? She sings. I do. I'm sick. I love cropping pussies. Cropping pussies. Smack, smack. That's it. There it is. That's how we do. That's it. It's a hit. Well, that actually has more lyrics. Talk to my management company. That has more lyrics than some Selena Gomez song, so why not? That happened. Why not? Wait, who's Selena Gomez? There you go. Isn't that Justin Bieber's girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend, I believe, yeah. Ex? He's old enough to have an ex-girlfriend? She's a former Disney person. Oh, so she'll turn into a whore soon. Yes. She'll start twerking with her assless ass. Why do people get so bummed out? Like it's a show. It's a shock. Like it's some sort of shock. We saw it with Christina Aguilera. We saw it with Britney Spears. We saw it with Justin Timberlake. Every single repressed kid star that had to be like all pure and everything, once they turn 18, they all of a sudden go, oh, I'm an adult and I have to prove that I am sexual and have hormones and things like that. And they all do the same shit and everyone gets shocked about it. I don't think it's that they have to prove it. I think that the Disney ideal is this puritanical concept that our culture really tries to promulgate. But when they start coming into their own and start accepting these things about themselves that are not Disney, they're like, I'm going to do it. And it's shit like, you know, being a pedo bear and twerking on live TV, which is, hey, whatever, do your thing. It's cool. What? Did you not see the video of you sports? What? Dude. What's promulgate? I'm sorry. Promulgate. Promulgate. Promulgate. That's like three syllables. And I'm like, oh, isn't this like intellectual? Kink or something? Intellectual. Oh, man. We have big words. That sucks. Sometimes. I am fucked up the ass tonight. Promulgate. We can. A verb. A verb. Promote or make widely known. Why can't you just say promote? It's like one less syllable and it doesn't make me feel stupid. But promulgate is very intelligent and. Promulgate sounds like pomegranate. I'm sorry, but I have now outdomed you verbally. And pomegranate. No, you. Because I have domed people's fucking eyebrow. You do. Whatever. Domed people's eyebrows. God damn it. Mess with domed eyebrows. I have. I will end you. I have. So end you. Do it. End me, please. End me hard, baby. Oh, man. Jesus Christ. What you got? I have to be honest, though. There is one song that should actually be Nancy's theme song that we heard you do one time. Oh, yeah? And it was right before I actually did. The ad. That acting demo. Of which this is about. That acting. Yeah. So you guys want to sing along. You want to get the hits out of the way first. You don't want to build. That's what I was. You don't want to build with the catalog first. You guys want to go straight to the hit. And then it's like, where do we go from there? Tease them with the fact that in the future, there'll be a fantastic song. Yes. About Nancy's favorite thing to do. Okay. Which everyone should already know what that is. They should already know. So is there a topic tonight? Or we're just. The topic was just shooting the shit. Shooting the shit. I mean. We could talk about it. We were thinking, you know, humor and BDSM. And I realized. We're boogie on. There's going to be no topic. It'd be like herding a cat. No, stay this way. No, this way. I realized. No, herd the cat, man. Because we can go and then just mess it up. But then I'll say things like promulgate. And you'll be left out. That was a big word. I mean, who uses that word? You are lying. People use that word. I don't use that word. Yeah. You don't use the word? No. People like lawmakers and stuff. I don't know. They just. I just want to make 500 bucks an hour. So they write a bunch of fancy words that fucks with people that don't know. And they go, oh, I must be getting my money's worth. Because he uses words like promulgate in his fucking. In his writings. That's awesome. I'm going to pay this fucker. Yeah, sure. Promulgate. Gosh, do you know what that means? I don't know. But it's got to be something legal. It's just. That's odd. That's called bullshit, by the way. Philosophy is bullshit. There is no middle ground. There's no middle ground. It's promulgate. You're promulgating your viewpoint. And you had another big word before that. But that one was so big. I didn't even. Like, that one didn't even register. I was all like. You completely just. Just fried. I mean, I was. I was busy enjoying my life. Jacking off to Miley Cyrus twerking. So. Because who. That's. Okay. You want to talk a peeve? Here's a peeve. Let's talk about a peeve. People that are like. Especially guys. Like women. Okay. You understand. Because women, you know, are insane. So they're like. So they're like. Wow. That's disgusting. And whatever. But when a guy. All of a sudden says like. Oh, that's disgusting. What a little slut. Like you wouldn't fuck her. Like you wouldn't bend her over a table. In a half a second. Like your sex life. Is so dismal. Your lack of ability to get sex. Is so dismal. That you have to somehow create this fake morality. That you somehow are above having sex with a hot little teenager. Really? It's the Madonna whore complex. It's the idea. Madonna was a better whore. Yeah. Well, that one. But the name of the Madonna whore complex is for, you know, the Virgin Mary. Right. Right. So the Madonna whore complex. Where you really want somebody to be pure and virginal on the outside. But you want her to be a fucking freak. I don't think so. I think it's guys are so desperate to get laid. But they don't want people to know they're desperate. So they just pretend like. Oh, like you have a one in a trillion shot of actually banging Miley Cyrus. So you're going to turn it down. To show people. Yeah. How awesomely studly you are. Did you see her ex? Because if you can't compete with that, it's not happening. I don't know. You can't compete with a Hemsworth. Oh. Don't try. Really? Yeah. Liam Hemsworth. The younger brother from Hunger Games. That was her ex. Interesting. I did not know that. Is that the archery one? Yeah. They shoot bows and arrows. They shoot bows and arrows. It's awesome. Good book series, by the way. You guys read? We do. That's so awesome. We totally read, dude. Yeah. What you got? You throw some new shit at us. New shit? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I got like all these new songs. I've been like in a writing frenzy because I'm putting the show together and I'm like, okay, I'm going to go out and do it. And just, you know, I rebuilt countboogie.com. And so now I have all these new songs. So, and you're like, oh no, come in and do these songs. And I'm like, but I don't know them. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. If I, if I happen to mess up any of my songs, you have full, full privilege to just rail, rail as hard as you can, make gagging sounds. We, we have a paint stick. We can actually hit you. That won't be necessary actually, because that doesn't go in with my orientation. Well, you know, you. Now then, if you got a strap on, you want to bang me up the ass. You can come on the what, what in the butt episode. I'm just kidding. I had a finger in someone's butt today. You've, you've had a busy day. It has been a busy day. And, uh, you know, anal training is, uh, it really does. I mean, we got a finger and that was it. And you just got to let it go with that. Okay. You did good. Breathe, whatever. And you're like, well, okay, there we go. Yeah. It's something you gotta, you gotta go at it every day. Yeah. You can, Hey, just remember. Okay. You guys ready? I got the audience. You can't fucking ass like a pussy. No. No. Cause it has a different. Name. Prommel gate. Think about that. I don't even fucking know what he just said. Think about that. Garden gnomes, Lilliputians getting together, savage, interracial, midget sex. Marshmallow. I made her dance, uh, an Irish jig with Lilo beads in her pussy and a butt plug in her ass. And videotaped it. Did she have the straight like a river dance kind of face? Uh, no, she was laughing. Of course I was yelling at her with an Irish accent and saying, Oh, the shillelaghs. Like, and she had no idea what the fuck a shillelagh was. I don't even know what the fuck a shillelagh is. Which apparently is a cane. It's an Irish sex toy. No, it's, well, it can be. It's an Irish crooked cane that can also be used as a weapon, which I thought was very appropriate. Oh, the shillelaghs. You can take vitamin E and it'll straighten out. Like if you have a curved penis. Why would you want to straighten out a curved penis? Curves are fantastic in a penis. Well, it depends on which way it's curving. I suppose. Like when it's going, ah, shakakon, you know, that way. It's like, Oh, that's, that's awesome. You're. I need to find a shakakon penis. You're awesome. That's great. That's perfectly aligned to ram my cervix over and over and over again. Isn't that the goal? Girls. You're. Some girls don't like their cervix. Service. They don't. Their cervixes, you know. I like a bruised cervix. Of course, if with how long my vaginal canal has a bruised cervix means that's a big fucking cock. So. Bonus. That's bonus. You know what I'm saying? That's awesome. I see what you did there. All right. This song is called, uh, Random. Remember, you can make fun of me if I fuck it up. Woohoo! It's kind of weird. It's called Random. Yeah. I can be free. I can be a llama. Llamas all have curly dicks and spit on you when you bring up your drama. I can be me and not give a damn. I can tuck my penis in between my legs and pretend I'm a woman. Morals and etiquette, fuck it, I've had them. Life's much more fun when you do something random. Chains of propriety. So. See, scream for removal. Won't live my life for your bullshit approval. I like that part. I like it too. I see the world. I can poop up on a mountain. Mountain poop. I can scream the bees are in my ass and jump into a public fountain. I can be God. And make my own religion. I can paint a mural of a chick fucking a donkey in my kitchen. I can! Morals and etiquette, fuck it, I've had them. Sing along! Life's much more fun when you do something random. Chains of propriety. Scream for removal. Won't live my life for your bullshit approval. Eat like a viking in a restaurant. Have a good day. Have kinky sex in public places. Wear a bikini to a funeral and make odd contorted faces. Wear a shirt made out of bacon. Dye your pubic hair blue. I swear your life will suck much less if you change your point of view. Oh yeah. That's the fuck up part right there. Broaden your scope. And expand your brain. Maybe watch two chickens fuck a toaster and see if you're entertained. Sex isn't war. Or a battle of wits. I ate your pussy fair is fair. Now why won't you let me cum on your tits? Why? Morals and etiquette, fuck it, I've had them. Life's much more fun when you do something random. Chains of propriety. Chains of propriety. Scream for removal. Won't live my life for your bullshit approval. Thank you. First time ever played anywhere. That was awesome. Yeah. That's the random song. See, two chickens fucking a toaster might be interesting. Yeah. I've never seen a chicken fuck at all. I mean, and that just says something sad about my life. So I've been meaning to ask you because you just have that kind of energy that I just like gravitate towards too. Sure. Are you hitting on me? No, dude. You got a thing going on here. It's kind of weird. You guys, you know, we're going to negotiate. What's been your most, the scene that you've had that you've had the most fun in? The scene that I've had the most fun in? Yes. Yes? I'm going to say all then. Yes. All of the above. Yes. There's so many. There's so many. I mean, scenes like the blasphemy scenes are awesome because I used to be a Christian preacher. So obviously now I'm an atheist activist. So, you know, there's kind of a little spectrum, you know, that I've gone through in my life. So those scenes are fun because, you know, I always play the preacher and, you know, I make paddles out of water. I have a little bit of a, you know, I have a little bit of a, you know, I have a little bit of a, I make paddles out of, out of Bibles and books and different things. And the Quran. And I know we stay away from the Quran. And there's a reason for that because. I'm pretty sure I saw that. No, no, no. Is it the Book of Mormon? Book of Mormon. Oh, okay. Sorry. And there's a reason for that. And I'll give my reason and I'll be, because people are like, oh, you're hypocritical. You make fun of Christianity and you make fun, you know, why won't you do the Quran? And I'll tell you why. Because if I make fun of Christianity, American Christians will just get mad and come shoot me. But if I make fun of the Bible. Mm-hmm. And if I make fun of the Quran and I screw with the Quran, then those psychos want to kill anybody. So they're going to just kill people, right? Random people. So it's like, I, you know, it's one thing I take responsibility for myself, you know, but it, you know, so that's. I see your logic. Yeah. I see your logic. So I'm like, hey, come kill me for the love of God, please. Love of Jesus. Kill me. Propagate. I love it when Jesus says love. Promogate. Promogate that bitch. Promogate. I want to stitch this on a pillow for you now. Promogate. So anyway, those, those scenes are fun. I do, I do blacklight play, which is a lot of fun. I'm actually doing that at the club next month. That'll be fun. The whole main room will be lit in black lights and I have all these toys and. Oh, cool. Things like that. That'll be lit in black. And then you have bubbles and you paint with it and it looks all freaky and Beetlejuicy. Look, I even wore my Beetlejuice shirt. You did wear a Beetlejuice shirt. I did. I love Beetlejuice. Who doesn't? I make stuffed animal toys. I have Care Bear floggers. Care. You've never seen the Care Bear floggers? I have not seen the Care Bear floggers. No. One of them is on my FetLife. Yeah. So. I. Yeah. So I take and I. I have a thing for stuffed animals if you hadn't figured out. Can you do something with My Little Pony? I, I have My Little Pony floggers. It's on my FetLife page. I made two of them. So the flogger, the falls all come out of the feet and then there's a bunny fur at the bottom of those and it's hard leather and whoosh. Wow. My Little Pony. Yeah. How exciting. Yeah. So I made a little pony. I made a little pony. I made a little pony. So. Dude. I have a. Play on the fucking edge man. I have a. Nightmare before Christmas cane. Oh yeah. What does that look like. With the. It has Jack Sally. Jack Sally. Little plushies running through like a big oak dowel. I think I've seen that. Yeah. Yeah. That packs a wallop. It sounds like it. Yeah. It's fun. That's awesome. You're. You're. You're kind of fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. That was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. a whole that yeah all right that's that's been a process of doing fucked up things but it's really popular in you know kind of an alternative community like bdsm to be fucked up yeah and then to to like those childish things and incorporate them into your kink that's that's a very it's been very popular for some time not necessarily just bdsm but in kind of alternative communities absolutely a lot of people have taken ownership over them i mean you look at my little pony for example and you've got bronies where these you know 30 plus year old men who fucking love my little pony fucking cool let me just tell you bronies oh there's a there's a picture of it yeah that's that's it that's the my little pony bronies bronies isn't that another word for forced by i don't think it's forced but i mean of course forced can we just be honest i mean you know i don't mean to sound like mr like you know caveman het but can't you just say i'm bi do you have to say i'm forced you know oh mistress could you please be forced by with me mistress if you want me to suck a dick i'll suck a dick you can be heteroflexible and you wouldn't necessarily seek it out on your own but if you but you might do it at the behest of a mistress because there's a thrill in that and doing something so taboo sure i'm just saying but it's heteroflexible i've i've said this on the show before you probably don't know this but i believe the kinsey scale is a little bit off i believe it's more of a one of zero to ten instead of zero to seven and i don't think that anybody is either a zero or a ten i think we're all somewhere in between we're all a little bit a little gay a little gay a little bit gay otherwise we really can't find our own gender attractive and you know and then we can't find ourselves attractive essentially so yeah so it doesn't necessarily i mean you don't have to be there's not like there aren't three choices in the world there isn't heterosexual homosexual and bisexual there's there's other shit out there dude is that your penis on a waffle yeah that's cock waffle that's cock waffle i tried to take it down and then people put requests for it and i'm like okay but i lived i lived with larry who was my roommate and he just died and uh he was a gay porn fanatic like literally i have never in my life dreamed that i would see so much dick in my life so much so that i was glad i was fat at the time because i couldn't see my own dick that's how much gay porn larry was into that's a lot that's a lot of and he was kind of socially retarded i loved him he was a sweetheart but you know he would just watch it in the living room like i would have like a girl over and we'd be eating like three feet away from him and he'd just be and he had this like look because he was big round guy and he just like hover over the computer with his mouse in his hand and you know he was fat he hadn't jacked off in 300 years but he'd just look at it like and and it's like guys butt fucking each other and i'm trying to have a conversation with my girl and i'm like i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that and i'm like larry really and he'd be like oh sorry larry i love him so yeah so i kept taking cock waffle down because i'm like i hate penis i'm sick of looking at penis like you you hate penis nancy i just happened to scroll upon that and that's why it was there but you would probably put that penis in your mouth what penis waffle why why would you say that because it's a laugh no no no no his it's his a waffle yeah well i mean you know you just move the cock and eat the waffle but then it's got it's got cock germs on it yeah what if it was the chosen cock well it is the chosen cock no no offense but we have a chosen cock so there's a i'm supposed to do forced to hetero forced right that's awesome that's awesome and there's the chosen cock and let me i totally am on the whole scale thing with you what i'm saying is the guys that are on the whole scale thing with you what i'm saying is the guys that forced by yeah that's what i'm saying there's a lot of those yeah so like if they really are kind of on the fence and they're like i don't know about this and then it's forced okay that's part of the service to the mistress or or whatever but uh yeah can you do force by on me please can you do force by yeah the answer is no it's like just just go suck a cock what's the big deal there's plenty of them out there go ahead go find one on craigslist apparently larry discovered thousands of them hourly hourly and every box in every house every box in the house you have issue with this i really do i really do well it sounds like it's really impacted you it just he might be emotionally scarred it just horrified me it really did it gave a visceral reaction like like it but it was awesome because i live with larry and obviously i think larry was gay um you know uh that i mean that's just on the spectrum on that spectrum of you know gayness i think larry was probably like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that towards the homosexuality. He certainly did like looking at penis. Yes. And yeah, fisting guys' asses. He was into that too. Nice. And he would tell you all excited. And it's like, I really learned tolerance because I really am. I'm, Larry used to call me manphobic. I'm like, am I homophobic? Larry's all, no, you love me, right? I go, yeah, you're my bro. And he's like, no, you're manphobic. You hate men. And I go, it's true. I fucking hate men. They destroyed the entire earth. You're a misandrist. Is that what it is? Misandrist. Misandrist? Yeah, instead of a misogynist, it's a misandrist, which is somebody who hates men as opposed to somebody who hates women. Shouldn't there be more of those? Because they really do suck. I mean, I have a dick and I'm cursed. Like I have to live out these things. These are the things I live in my life. We just don't live, we live in a misogynistic society, not a misandristic society. See the difference? And now you've learned another word. Oh my God. I think it's time. It's time for a change. Yes. I'm sorry. Wow. I like, I'm teaching misandrist. It's a good word. Misandrist. Misandrist. Misinterest. M-I-S-A-N-D-R-I-S-T. Misinterest. Misandrist. Misandrist. Misandracy. Misandrany. Anyway, what you got? You got music? I have lots of music. Humor. Let's do some more humor. All right. Because you got some humor going on. You're pretty funny. No, that's not true. It's true. It's true. Foot fetish guys. Creepy. Need to learn how to not be creepy. Very intuitive. You might get a lot of chicks to let you touch their feet if you weren't so fucking freaky. See, foot fetish guys are an anomaly in human nature. Have you ever experienced foot fetish guys? Oh, many. Yes. Yes. Yes. I don't know what it is about foot fetish guys. Because I did a video, the foot fetish guys anti-creepy training video. You can see it on YouTube. And it goes based on my... Have you seen it? No, but now I want to. Now I'm going to have to look this shit up. And it's like a seven-minute instructional video teaching guys how not to be creepy. Because the theory is we have foot fetish guys in the community, a few, that are very respectful. And they're not creepy. And they're not creepy. And they're not creepy. And they're not creepy. And they're not creepy. And they're not creepy. Yes. They get to play with all the feet. Yes, they do. Women are like, I like my feet rubbed. I like worship. Okay, fine. I get to know you a little. Go ahead. Jerk off on my feet. Fine. Suck my toes. Do all that. But fine. But there really is a certain percentage of foot guys that just somehow socially... And we've seen them in the dungeons. They just... They'll walk right up to you. She's... The engineer is pointing at her feet. I have man feet. I need to get in that foot porn business. Oh, dude. They're like 13 and women. Oh, no. They'll freak on you. I've had guys that look at my feet and they're like, well, they're kind of small. And I'm like, fuck you, bitch. They're size eight. But okay. No, they'd love you. Oh, yeah, they would. Yeah. Dude, if I want like high heels, I have to look for like drag queen shoes. Nice. Yeah, they're such weird shaped, long, skinny things. That makes them unique. You're like one of the wicked stepsister feet. Yeah. And a stage in Gisella. Yeah. Awesome. Won't fit in no glass slippers. We'll make one for you. We'll blow glass your slipper. A foot fetishist would do that. And then we'll lick out the glass. What? That's creepy, dude. That's creepy. It is creepy. It was really creepy. I guess I studied on it and I really found out, you know, because I'm like, okay, this is interesting. Because what happened is after the video, like a lot of people loved the video and a lot of people hated the video. Like I was somehow talking down about foot fetish guys because I was talking down about a certain percentage of foot fetish guys because they really do act stupid. They walk right up to the woman. They don't look her in the face. They're just staring at her feet the whole time. Mistress, can I shit on your foot? You know, it's just, you know, it's, it's, that's not the way. It is not. That is not the way. It is not the way. And we all have tons of stories about this. So I made the video. But it's funny that even the foot fetish guys, some of them that are trying to show me how not creepy they are, just the way they talk. It's a little bit creepy. It is. It's a little bit. I'm going to get so much hate. It's awesome. They're a fucking fat, bald, faggot fucker. Foot fetish. You don't know. We know, we know that you're not a faggot. We know that. I am. We know that you, you don't like the penis. Well, now I don't want to like be all racist. You might not even like your own penis. No, that's for sure. That is for sure. Do you know how, you're like, you tell your penis, you're all, look, here's vagina. Look, it's there. She wants it. And you're, and you're, you're, you know, this is what you want your whole life. Your whole life. You dream about being in those moments of connection with someone and they're bent over and you, you got them. And it's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And you're like, yeah, we're going to do it. And your penis is just like. I don't, I've never, I mean, I don't have a penis. Is that how your penis talks? It totally. And that's why it's shitty. It like talks shitty. You have a mousy penis. It's like. And I'm like, dude, fucking, there it is. You need a penis montage moment to train your penis with Rocky theme music. So that. Tried it. It'll grow and be strong. Whacked it against chair legs. You know, you know, all the time. Eye of the tiger. Dumped raw eggs on it. you know just it didn't work and then so you would think even the egg white might stiffen it up a little yeah it just makes it sticky and once you put that inside a girl she's not a fan of that it's just scrambled eggs you think cock tastes bad without the raw egg saying add the raw egg no thanks not so much certainly probably makes it taste less like Comet though cock are you putting in your mouth there are some penises that have a very Comet-y taste to them so you've huffed a lot of a lot of Comet I'm just letting you know it's a powder and when you use it as a cleaner when you're a kid you inhale a lot of it which might explain a lot about me nice in general nice so Comet penis I'm sorry that you have an underperforming penis yeah not always I mean it's not always this is going out to a lot of people they're all going to be aware of Count Boogie's underperforming penis absolutely you know what because here's my thing and I don't mind saying you're 45 if you have stress in your life if you have if you're overweight there's blood circulation issues you're going to have impotency issues it's just a fact it's a fact of life if you pretend that it doesn't exist it's really kind of stupid because the women know that it's not hard that's true so why not talk about it it's something that happens and I find that the more open I am about it and say yeah and I tell women you know hey sometimes you know I get in my head because I'm insane and they all kind of know by meeting me that I'm insane so they're okay that's valid and you say hey sometimes if I get really stressed out my dick's not going to work and I'm just going to either go down on you or finger you or fist you use Hitachi's we have this lifestyle with all these other different things that we can do and just you know that's it so if you want if you want a hard cock for five hours that's hit or miss with me so I'm not going to and so once you say that all of a sudden the stress level leaves and then you get hard it's like magic magic just give yourself permission honesty give yourself permission to be human and it'll be fine well and it's also very attractive from the female's perspective as well not obviously a limp dick a limp dick yes wow I've got to hang out with you more right bring me the limp dick he's just tearing you down no no I didn't tear him no but the honesty I'm not tearing him down at all I'm saying honesty is very attractive to females are you do you disagree with this I am not disagreeing with that and that would therefore increase their arousal and then you're alleviating the stress increases your arousal and everybody's happy everybody's doing their part everybody's happy they're lubricating you're hardifying there's so many things you can do with a limp penis but there's so many more things you can do with a little honesty and a hard penis this is true I'm just saying this is true it's worked out well now that I've lost the weight obviously that's that's increased my circulation a lot I just lost like 70 something pounds dude and so yeah so over the last over the last year and that increases a lot you know if you think that obesity does not equate to limp penis you can talk to Larry who's now dead so you can't really talk to him who verified or you could have talked to me is that was that tasteless my god it was so tasteless dude really too soon man too soon too fucking soon he kind of only died not too long ago look let me tell you something about Larry and me we had no off button it was gay het wars all day every day I'd be all cocksucker he's all vagina lover Larry and I talk shit every day so now I'm just in that same mode you're celebrating his life Larry yeah Larry was awesome I have his ashes I think I'm gonna snort a line of his ashes I dude think that is weird because that would be I mean for me it would be therapeutic you know because you know it's now I have a a gay man in me right so that that's me that's me getting I don't have to necessarily fuck a guy but I can like snort a gay guy who's dead maybe you shouldn't masturbate with his ashes now that is a line that would be a line so not gonna do that you can snort him but you can't masturbate with him can't stick your dick in the urn I'm with him on this one yeah no no no no there's one thing about eating when I've somehow gone over some gauche line but he hasn't dude you're talking about masturbating with ashes yeah that's creepy perverted you snorting is a natural thing we breathe masturbating is a natural thing yeah but you snort a lot more than you masturbate it depends on who you're talking to that is true that is true some people are very very masturbation you guys are giving each other look you guys are totally like do I need to like step out of the room no you guys need to find a top I'll just sing something some submissive doesn't fucking know her place if gay marriage becomes legal which it did it's not gonna make me wanna suck a dick not letting people love who they want to love is retarded stupid and sick all young boys will not spontaneously sing show tunes and all young girls will not turn into butch dykes so let's get our noses out of other people's shit and let them marry whoever the fuck they like that's that's my my gay marriage that's my head point of view for gay marriage we couldn't get get Larry married he's like I don't wanna get married he just didn't want to he didn't want to I swear to god I can't believe and this is this is where I've either grown or degraded I don't know but I'm like I used to tell him all the time Larry how did I turn how did I at like 8 years old I did not picture growing up and being a gay cheerleader I swear to god all the time I'm like Larry you gotta go out and get some fucking dick man we gotta go no no you can't just sit here and he's like I don't really fit no Larry get up go to the bath house well you know maybe I you know I can't he can't get hard cause he's fat okay it killed him come on Larry get to the it doesn't matter just suck someone off just get out there and get and I'm like how am I now his cheerleader I used to put his cards his business I made him make business cards and put them in his pocket and I'd be like you go and you hand the guy your business cards so that way if there's a connection you can call him later and go play with him and he's like well okay well that's because that's what friends do they try and pump them up and get them to grow and do things that they really want to do but they're scared to do that's what friends do yeah he did he went out and he'd get so excited you know he'd go out and punch some guy in the balls and come back I like doing that too and then he'd want to tell me about it and I'd be like yeah Larry you can just tell me you had a good time you don't have to really get the but that's what friends do specifics you know they go into details like yeah I know yeah sometimes a little awkward yeah well yeah yeah whatever oh yeah sometimes life is like that I really don't think I fulfilled any intelligent BD BDSM this evening I just want you to know we're like 20 minutes in dude pretty much feeling it's like delete click computer crash nah you guys want to bring a topic up I'm I'll we're just you know we're just I'll just lay back I really should have brought my capo that song's awesome oh that I can't do that one either because you don't have a capo no no I can't this makes me sad well I guess I feel like you need to write a homosexual book a homosexual penis song no we have wonderful homosexuals out there that can write that but I think that you know it would be an homage to Larry as a homosexual I wrote I wrote the gay marriage song well Larry but he never he didn't want to get married see no but he liked the song alright well I thought it was very tolerant that's very tolerant of you for such a heterosexual very tolerant of you for a man phobe loser can it be time can it be time yes alright alright you guys have to sing along with the chorus though as best we can you have to sing too is there enough volume in that guitar man alright yeah that's it yeah that's right give me a this is a song I put my hand in your pussy and I make a fist you get so wet I just can't resist a sexual adventure for an uber horny chick I'm stretching your vag but being careful of your cervix fisting whoa for the girl that needs girth this does the trick fisting whoa cause no human dick could ever be this thick she needs to relax and so do you make sure you have consent and a whole lot of lube it takes a lot of trust to make it work great not something I would recommend you try on a first date on a first date sing along fisting whoa for the girl that needs girth this does the trick fisting whoa cause no human dick could ever be this thick focus patience never force it never force it more lube communicate never force it never force it almost there just relax never force it never force it here it goes here it goes weeeeee hey you got it in she's in orgasmic bliss an amazing thing to see a woman take a whole fist don't worry guys it'll go back to shape cause the hoo-ha was designed to squirt out of babe alright vaginas fisting whoa for the girl that needs girth this does the trick fisting whoa cause no human dick could ever be this thick no human dick could ever be this thick fisting whoa no human dick come on jordan could ever be this thick woo yeah and that's nancy's theme song look she looks all fluttery and blush she's like ah i fisted someone right there right where you're sitting yes right there right on that table right on that table just right here and fauna was the fisting doula yeah the what you don't know the what the what oh oh fisting doula it's the person that provides the lube when lube is needed pats the sweated forehead off helps calm and relax soothe sometimes chokes them out if they need it you guys have a word for everything don't you we do can't you just say the fucking helper but it's the fisting doula it's the fisting helper but it's a doula what's a doula a doula is the medulla oblongata that's different is that the part of your brain is that like the reptilian fisting helper d-o-u-l-a a doula a woman who is trained to assist another woman during childbirth and who may provide support to the family after the baby is born yes that's something coming out of the vagina not something going in it just works it's quite fitting I mean you know just because there's something that's going in the vagina slightly smaller than a baby coming out of the vagina same kind of fitting doula doula yeah I wipe my own sweat when I fist I just want you to know that oh no it's not I just stick my I don't think hers she's been it's usually the person being fisted gets wiped that's a spray bottle holding the thigh holding the thigh spreading them that's a spray bottle one time we were fisting and somebody wanted me to pull their hair and choke them out and say nasty words into their ear I did that it was nice so you can't just call it helper but doula sounds cooler dou oh oh wow ow I thought my funny was bad oh now I have to ask okay yes ask something for the love of god my other favorite thing is pegging do you have a pegging song no I don't I don't and we wrote a pegging song and I have no idea there is no there is we started just writing something never you guys just want to jump in anywhere I'm not a songwriter hey there I'm a chicken I got a songwriter strap on I'm gonna get it hard in your ass pegging okay now your turn write a lyric no no no no no no that's what you say but yes yes yes I'm gonna jam it in anyway pegging pegging yes mistress pegging with four spides and a pegging that's sick Pegging Okay, does anyone want to jump? You're leaving me here to die on my own. I'm getting the vibe. Feeling it. Okay, go ahead. Make a lyric. It's gonna hurt, you're gonna like it You're gonna beg for more You know you like it Cause you're such a little whore Pegging Nice! Look at that! See, it's easy. Yeah, but not for me. You know what's great is this is being recorded so then you can actually write it down so you have a pegging song. No. I'm just gonna let that one go off into the interweb sphere. You really are a man-hater. I am. Totally a man-hater. You guys wanna hear a jazzy song? Oh yeah, baby. You know, sometimes You're bleeding. You know, have you ever heard Remember when you were a kid and they had on like those inspirational motivation like don't smoke, stay in school you know, those type of campaigns and stuff like that, but they're always kind of lame and they lack a certain effectiveness Just say no? Yeah, just really didn't give the hardcore this is really why this should go down the way we're telling you to. This is my PSA. Really? Really? thing sex with many nameless partners is awesome in so many ways but remember there's always a cost so if you don't play it safe bet your ass someday you're gonna pay a rubber on your tingle might reduce the tingle but it beats having your dick fall off or even worse getting stuck with 18 years of child support payments cuz he got drunk and not to Catholic girl love this is so jazzy haven't got snapping we should have a your sex life can get pretty rocky when you got bumpies all over your cocky or boo-boo nasties on your cootie my limit potential for smoochie smoochie pills and treatments can cost a buttload not to mention all the discomfort and pain so remember to plan ahead because we know that men are useless once they've got sex on the brain it's true a rubber on your tingle might reduce the tingle but it beats having your dick fall off or even worse doing anal with something to prevent a Someone who's had a bad stomach day and winding up with poop on your cock. It happens. It happens is the actual line. Condoms may suck, but they're effective at helping your crotch not be defective. The sex may last ten minutes, but herpes will be your buddy every day. For as long as you live. And if you're infected, you better be honest. Don't cause the health of another to be harmed. Cause it sucks when a pissed off vengeful chick takes five full cans of spray paint and writes fucked up shit all over your car. It's true. A rubber on your tingle might reduce the tingle, but it beats having your dick fall off. So cover up your junk before you fill her up with spunk. I'm so good. Glad we had this nice little talk. For the kids. I feel like I was just listening to the theme song of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Did you ever see Johnny Dangerously? Yeah. Remember the video that he showed his kid brother? That's right. With the giant. That's me. It reminds me. That's me. But this, I think, just gets a little more real. Yeah. No, of course. I try to keep it real. That's what I try to do. You do. I try to keep it real. You need to add more pus in that song. Ew. Ew. What's a ring? Ew. What? You want to keep it real? I can't say the word pus. First, we're jerking off with Larry's ashes, and now it's proma- I'm the weirdo. Proma- Promagol. Promagating pus. Promagating pus. It's not pus. It's like a nightmare Dr. Seuss. Jesus Christ. I don't know what I'm doing. Wow. Fuck, I'm the weirdo here? I think we need to talk. Okay. I think we need to talk. That's cool. Yeah. I have issues. I got nothing. I know. I got nothing. So what's the next question? So you don't have collars. Well, we could, but we don't want collars. We don't? No, I'm really particular. Like, really particular. Like, I'll be like, no, just hang up on them because they're stupid. Well, yeah, but then you get people that'll ask something cool every now and again. Yeah, but we're running out of time. We only got four minutes left. What? Four minutes left. See how time flies when you're having fun? Oh, thank God. Do you want to do another song and then we can get your websites and shit? I can. Here's another education. See, I try to be educational when I perform. So there's like a fucked up message. Here, actually, here's a, well. I thought the fisting song was very educational. Actually, I got to have a shorter song because we don't have four minutes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, here. Here's a real short song. Fucking a girl in a way that hurts her doesn't make your dick any bigger. It just makes you a dick. Thank you. Bravo. Yeah, short song. Some songs don't need to be, you know, quite that long. Yes, whereas penises do. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. I don't have any three minute songs. Wait, no, I do. It's okay. Vic can wait. Vic's cool. He can wait. Yeah, but they cut us off. The machine cuts us off. Yeah, no, it's done. It's done. You guys just have to ask right now. You have to come up with some. No. Some psycho question. No, because we don't have time for you to answer. What if it ends up being really in depth? Trust me, you're talking to me. It won't. I promise. What's your favorite kink? Why would you ask that question? You hate that question so much. Yeah, but everybody asks it. Shut the fuck up and let them answer it. My favorite kink is yes. See? No. Yeah, I don't have a favorite. I mean, it just depends. I mean, I love impact play. I'm a big impact, like groping, squeezing, you know, spanking. Like primal? Primal. I like a lot of toys. I mean, I love caning. I really do love caning because, you know, the music and drumming and stuff like that. Yeah. So you build and it's like creating. Anything that kind of like treats the bottom as like kind of an orchestra. And I get to lead that. That's really what I'm into. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Depending on what the instrument sounds like, that's kind of the symphony I can make. That sounds so cheesy. No. No. It works, man. Totally. We're going with it. It works. Yeah. Whatever. Where can people hear more of your shit? Clever choice of words. You were going to say something? So I stumbled upon countboogie.com. Yes. Countboogie.com. And are these upcoming? Yeah. Those are short gigs like I'm doing. I can't read that. So September 26th. Dream come true. Dream come true show at, is that, am I pronouncing this correctly? How do I watch show? Jaguara or something like that. Jaguara. It's in LA. If you go to countboogie.com and you click on the live, I only have two up there and then I'm doing a 10 minute at the ice house on, what is it? October 20th. Dude, the ice house. We should go. Yeah. That's in the second stage. Don't, I'm not on the main stage. That's fine. It's like super cheap on the second stage too. And it's local. And I'm booking. If you have parties, events, bar mitzvahs, because the, let me tell you, the fisting song. Those little Jews, they love it, man. Those Jews do love it. Those little Jews, they just love it. They get dancing. True story. I'm doing a set at a barbecue and I'm doing the fisting song and I won't give names, but somebody who's very popular in our community had a little, had a little girl there and I'm doing the fisting song and this two year old little girl is just dancing. And I, and I'm like, you know, I worked with kids for a long time, so it was really awkward. And, uh, and so, uh, yeah. That was awkward. But, uh, yeah. But the Jews, I was raised as, you know. But the Jews. But the Jews. They love fisting. And you guys should be following this guy on the Twitter at Count Boogie. Oh, we should follow him. Totally. Follow me on Twitter. Yes. All the FetLife's Twitters. Everything's Count Boogie. If you go to Count Boogie, C-O-U-N-T-B-O-O-G-I-E, you're going to find me. And then you can, I love hate mail too. Awesome. You should die. I love that. And you can follow us on the Twitter. I'm at Insidious Muse. And I'm at Service Slut. And then the show is at King Collectual. And review us and download us and do all those things. And share us. Yeah. And dude, make some of this guy's songs like your ringtones, obviously. Totally. We really need to do that. We need to edit this and have ringtones because that needs to happen. I would love to be a ringtone. I can do that from this show. It'll be an MP3 and I can cut it down for you. But it's obviously going to be this and us talking and singing. I don't have a real phone, but. All right. Anyway, thanks. And we'll be back next week with People. Woo!