Elephant jokes, poetry, and astrological forecast

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. brother. When they had one at Lyon, they want another. Ice cream, ice cream. We all scream for ice cream. You know, folks, our colleges may come and go, but the world will never know. And any other place like Oogie Wawa, Oxford, Cambridge, Eaton 2, football teams would all turn blue. Wow, you see, they played a game with Oogie Wawa. And those Eskimos, they looked mighty tough when they took the field. And the people said their team will never yield. Then with gore and flying fur, this is what did occur. I said, ink-a-dink-a-doo. I said, ink-a-dink-a-doo. Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Just to show you how they were. Ha-cha. Never. Never point your ice-cold chin towards the ground. Pick yourself up, folks, and turn the game around. The Eskimos made a winning pass. And when in doubt, remember to blow it out of your ass. I'm telling you, I'm insane in the membrane. I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm going crazy here. I'm insane in the membrane. I'm going crazy here. What am I doing? Oh, shut up. I can't take this anymore. Oh, stop it. Stop it. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Not you again. Why don't you get lost? Okay. Okay. Okay. I just asked for a blowjob. You don't have to go crazy on me. Oh, you're throwing up on my lap. I just brought this food. I went to Sears. Oh. Thanks for ruining it, pal. Oh, good. Good. Why don't you rinse the whole thing out and take it to bad will or goodwill? Oh, I swear the white boats are really coming. They're really here. Or am I seeing things? Is it a figment of my imagination? Making fun of me because I'm crazy? Can't you give me a chance? Oh, shut up. It's not funny. I need help and you're going cuckoo on me. I don't get it. I just don't get it. Oh, my glasses. How could you do that to me? I can't see. Oh, boy, folks. You'll have to put up with me. I might be nuts, but at least I'm not nuts to do this show. I love you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a boat beneath a sunny sky, lingering onward, dreamily in an evening of July. Children, three. That nestle near. Eagle eye and willing ear. Pleased a simple tale to hear. Long has paled that sunny sky. Echoes fade and memories die. Autumn frosts have slain July. Still she haunts me, phantom-wise. Alice moving under skies. Never seen by walking eyes. Children, yet the tale to hear. Eager eye and willing ear. Lovingly shall nestle near. In a wonderland they lie. Dreaming as the days go by and by. Dreaming as the summers die. Ever drifting down the stream. Lingering in a golden gleam. Life. Is. What. A dream should be. Life is just a dream. A dream. A dream. A dream. Life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'll see you in my dreams. That was The Dick Hyman Trio from Sweet and Low Down. And you're listening to Chickster's Nest on skidrow studios dot com. And you got it. My name is the Chickster. I want to tell you guys about an exciting show. There's a show this Sunday, the 8th. And there'll be a show the 15th, the 22nd, and the 29th as well. It's called Hava. Yes, take a voyage to Hollywood. See the old time stars. A lot of humor. It'll make you laugh. And it has touching moments. And it's at 3191 Casitas Avenue in Los Angeles. And it's at Atwater Crossing. Or you could visit www.atwater crossing dot com. It's starring April Hava Shankman, one of the best performance artists in the entire nation. Again, that's this Sunday, next Sunday, and after that there'll be two more times. This Sunday, July the 8th at Atwater Crossing, 3191 Casitas Avenue in Los Angeles, www.atwater crossing dot com. And you will see a sensational show. This is the Chickster. I once rode an elephant by the name of Tacky Raffa. And my elephant, all my elephant wanted was a piece of taffy and a hunk of toffee and a cup of coffee. The elephant ate too much and walked kind of sloppy and her ears had to be washed. They were dirty and they were floppy. And Tacky Raffa wore a syrupy and rode with me in my 1952 convertible jalopy. She put her trunk out of the car and came up with a bouquet of poppies just like a circus star. But riding in the old jalopy she let out diarrhea walking kind of choppy. And Tacky Raffa filled up the car and the smell was so bad I had to get out of my car and light up a hand-rolled Cuban cigar. I walked her into a bar and the bartender and all of the people fled. The smell of diarrhea went to their heads. And I got shit all over my new white kids. But we had a good time drinking up all the ale and buckets of buckets of water in a pail got rid of the elephant's smell, especially around her tail. And Tacky Raffa let out a big, big belch and smiled. Too much ale. But it was the pail that made her feel much, much better. Yes, Tacky Raffa is my, my friend, you know. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to read you some quotes about elephants. What do you call an elephant that flies? A jumbo jet. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia. How does an elephant get down from a tree? He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn. How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse? Try picking them up. What's the difference between an elephant and a banana? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant? What's the difference between an elephant and a banana? Have you ever tried to peel an elephant? What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? Oh, about 3,000 miles. What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep? Truncalizers. Why do elephants have trunks? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases. I tell you, elephants are wonderful. They're wonderful pets, ladies and gentlemen. They really are. I love elephants. They really do. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm a lonely man, I'm a lonely man, I'm a lonely man, I'm a lonely man. I'm a lonely man. I'm a lonely man. That was Tacky Rocky. In just a little while on Chickster's Nest, right after, up to the last minute, last second news with claustrophobia, you'll be hearing from the very talented and lovely Una Moon with astrological forecast, words of wisdom, and she'll even sing a few bars or go to a few bars. Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned, because right now, here's the news. MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC CONTINUES Hello to all carpet and pud beaters. Welcome all of my friends and enemies. Welcome America, except for a small group of a bunch of pussies. Good morning, granny-sowing dildo and waldo clubs and grandpas getting a big hand or the clap on their big Johnson. Welcome to up-to-the-minute last second news. I'm your news correspondent and you got it. This is Clostophobia bringing it all to you. From the great metropolis to Los Angeles, a city that doesn't sleep. And Charlie Chaplin never even made a peep. And the Hollywood sign is an honor to keep. And I wish to hell Hopper would speak. And Meryl Streep's salary is way too steep. And on the freeways, the traffic... Will you shut up? And on the free... I said shut up. Shut up. I don't want to say the fuck word. And on the freeways, the traffic creeps. The Angelenos beep. Bunch of... You got it. Honkies. Lighten up, would you? Flash in the pants. This just in. Blind woman gets new kidney from dad. She hasn't seen him in years. Child's death ruins couple's holiday. Death mute gets new hearing and killing. Eye drops off shelf. Juvenile court tries shooting defendant. Killer sentenced to die for second time in ten years. Quarter of a million Chinese live on water. Queen Mary having bottom scraped. And that's the way it is. That's what it's all about. Thank you. This is Claustrophobia. Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! We lived our little drama We kissed in a field of white And stars fell on Alabama last night Oh, yes I can't forget the glamour Your eyes held a tender light And stars fell on Alabama last night Oh, by the season I never planned in my imagination Oh, yes A situation Situation So heavenly Heavenly A fairyland Where no one else could enter Could enter And in the center Just you and me Oh, yes My heart beat like a hammer Hammer, hammer War War War War War War War War War War War War My arms wound around you tight And stars fell on Alabama Last night I never planned my imagination A situation So heavenly A fairyland Where no one else could enter In the center Just you and me My heart beat like a hammer Beat like a hammer My arms wound around you tight And stars fell on Alabama Last night Hello, everyone. This is Una Moon, your friendly astrological friend, forecaster, on behalf of Chickster's Nest podcast here at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California. For all you cancers that have a birthday today, July 7th, happy, happy birthday. You actually are in the last year of a 12-year cycle. This inner reflection seems appropriate. Let go of what does not work so that you can enter a new life. Let go of what does not work so that you can enter a new life cycle with clarity. so that you can enter a new life cycle with clarity. Pisces inspires you. As a result, you feel encouraged to pursue a dream. For all other cancers, here is your horoscope. Zero in on what you want. You are full of get up and go when it comes to friends and fun. Your lucky numbers are 9, 16, 29, 19, and 20. Your lucky numbers are 9, 16, 29, and 20. Now a favorite poem of mine by Shel Silverstein called Clooney the Clown. I'll tell you the story of Clooney the Clown who worked in a circus that came through town. His shoes were too big and his hat was too small. But he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all. He had a trombone to play loud silly tunes. He had a green dog and a thousand bucks. He had a lot of money and balloons. He was floppy and sloppy and skinny and tall. But he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all. And every time he did a trick, everyone felt a little sick. And every time he told a joke, folks sighed as though their hearts were broke. And every time he lost a shoe, everyone looked awfully blue. And every time he stood on his head, screamed, go back to bed. And every time he made a leap, everybody fell asleep. And every time he ate his tie, everyone began to cry. And Clooney could not make any money simply because he was not funny. One day he said, I'll tell this town how it feels to be an unfunny clown. And he told them all why he looked so sad. And he told them all why he felt so bad. He told of pain and rain and cold. He told of darkness in his soul. And after he finished his tale of woe, did everyone cry? Oh, no, no, no. They laughed until they shook the trees with ha ha ha's and he he he's. They laughed and howls and yells and shrieks. They laughed all day. They laughed all week. They laughed until they had a fit. They laughed until their jackets split. The laughter spread for miles around to every city, every town. Over mountains crossed the sea from San Tropez to Monsigny. And soon the whole world rang with laughter, lasting till forever after. While Clooney stood in the circus tent with his head dropped. Low and his shoulders bent. And he said, that is not what I meant. I'm funny just by accident. And while the world laughed outside, Clooney, the clown sat down and cried. Now speaking of clowns and laughter. When you're smiling, keep on smiling. The whole world smiles. With you. And when you're laughing, keep on laughing. The sun comes shining through. But when you're crying, you bring on the rain. So stop your frowning. Be happy again. Because when you're smiling, keep on smiling. The whole world smiles. When you're smiling, keep on smiling. The whole world smiles. With you. Now Charlie Chaplin wrote this wonderful song. Summer is a good place to be. I tried on the farmer's hat. Didn't fit. A little too small. Just a bit. Too floppy. Couldn't get used to it. Took it off. I tried on the dancer's shoes. A little too loose. Not the kind you could use for walking. Didn't feel right in them. Kicked them off. I tried on the summer sun. Felt good. Nice and warm. Knew it would. Tried the grass beneath bare feet. Felt neat. Finally, finally felt well-dressed. Nature's clothes fit me best. He's insane in the membrane. He's insane in the membrane. Chicksters insane! Insane, he's insane in the membrane. Now back to the Chickster. I'm insane in the membrane! I'm insane in the membrane! Okay, okay! I'm insane! I can't! Oh, I spilled my water! I spilled everything! I'm going crazy! I... Okay, you know, I'm insane. I need a fizz run. Somebody help me! Hey! Oh! Got myself a purple car! Got myself a purple guitar! Got my penis slammed in the bedroom door! My wife wanted sex, but I knew I was sore! I finally kicked down the fucking door! Watched movie The Color Purple on my new 52-inch purple TV and spilled a big glass of purple grape juice all over me! The poodle licked it up and tickled me pink, and I said the color was purple, and the poodle gave me a wink. And my wife... My wife washed her hair in our new purple sink, but the smell of peroxide made her hair stink! We went to breakfast and had purple grape jelly on toast, purple bacon and a purple roast, and purple pie and coffee, too, just to boast. Driving home on the freeway, as happy as I can be, I huffed and puffed on a purple Cuban cigar, driving along in my new purple Cadillac car, and I had my new purple seats, and suddenly... there was suspense! Goddammit, I just smashed into a purple fence! While me and my wife were feeling tense, and a purple police car took down a report. I couldn't take it anymore. The policeman picked up his purple shorts and scratched his warts and purple balls, and me and my wife knew what to do. We were feeling just a little purple and just a little blue. We were feeling just a little blue and just a little blue. And had a few purple scabs, and I waved down a purple cab. We were feeling a little bit moody, so we took a few hits off a purple big doobie. In the morning, we were both feeling kinda mellow, and we decided to change the color purple. To now on, folks, everything will now be yellow. Everything. When the deep blue sky falls, When the deep purple falls, Over sleepy garden walls, And the stars begin to flicker in the sky, And the stars begin to flicker in the sky, And the stars begin to flicker in the sky, And the stars begin to flicker in the sky, In the midst of a memory, You wander back to me, Breathing my name, We're alone. We're alone.! When the deep purple falls, Over sleepy garden walls, And the stars begin to flicker in the sky, Ah, ah, oh my! Through the midst of a memory, You wander back to me, Breathing my name, Breathing my name, With a sigh. Where am I? In the still of the night. Once again I'll hold you tight. Though you're gone, Your love lives on. when moonlight beams. And as long as my heart will beat, lover will always be here in my deep purple dreams. Deep Purple by Spike Jonze. Let's all go. ...accused senior employees at News of the World of running a deliberate cover-up to shield him... Really? ...against illegal hacking... I didn't know that. Oh boy. No. Seriously. I say, oh boy. What's going... Oh, I'm sorry, Gail. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Let's all go. Come on. Let's go to the barking lot. Why did the dog cross the street? To get to the barking lot. Barking lot. What do you got? A bunch of dogs anticipating. A bunch of dogs awaiting at the meter. Lifting their leg. Taking a pee. I'd rather have it if they went near a tree. They're not paying for the meter. They're praying for St. Peter. Yes, it's very cold and a dog would like a bone. But they're in the parking lot all alone. All alone. Driving up the wrong tree. Barking up the right. Barking up the right tree to find a place to park. Barking your own way. Through parking lot town. A town that is endless of just parking lot. Hurry, find a place to park. You're running on empty. Your car is running low on empty. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. on tree bark because it's the future where cars run off trees, but there's no trees left. So we have to drive 10,000 miles in parking lot town where trees aren't allowed. So park, so park, so park, park, park, park, find more park at the SuperSite Department parking lot. Door! The loggers are on fire. The carpenters yell at the wood, for wood never makes perfect parking blocks. No carpet pissing dogs are allowed. So buy your bark, get out of parking lot town. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, folks, everybody, that was composed by Jared Wilson, Whitam, and that was Barking Lot. And now here he is, the one and only, you know this guy. Oh, hello once again, vag heads, dick heads, Chicksters Nest Asylum people. You know, folks, I'm not imagining, I'm not imagining, it smells kind of fishy. And the funny thing is, I don't eat fishy things, only snake skin. Oh, for heavens, oh, for heavens. That smell is me. Oh, for heaven's sakes. It's a little raunchy, but you can call me Libra Raunchy. Oh, that's okay, you kind-hearted chicken lovers. You can call me by my nickname, Cucaracha. That's okay, I gotcha. I was having a wonderful day, but my Rolls Royce, you know, the pink one with the gold piano on the hood, it got a flat tire last night. I'm just glad it wasn't my wallet. But anyway, I guess I'm kind of lucky to be here at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, a wonderful place. But I got a ride up here and, you know, I just want to say what's black and white and goes, a nun on a Honda. Kind lady gave me a ride. Folks, I, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to get out of anything, but I have a lot of work to do. You know, I got to do some spring cleaning. The chandelier needs waxing and my piano needs special attention. I got to get it tuned up. But I just want to say and leave you on this note, I'll be seeing you in old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces all day through. In a small car parked across the way, that you're not going to see me, but I'll be seeing you. In a small car parked across the way, that you're not going to see me, that you're not going to see me, but I'll be seeing you. The children's carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well, I'll be seeing you in every loving summer day. In everything that's light and gay, I'll always think that way. I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is done, I'll be looking at the moon and I'll be seeing you. I'll be looking at the moon and I'll be seeing you. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be seeing you. Oh, by the way, I didn't want to tell you this, but the reason I have to clean up and I didn't spend much time with you is I'm throwing a special private party. It's a burlesque party and everybody has to strip. But what can you do, folks? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello once again. This is Una Moon back to bring you some words of wisdom, poetry, and a few special lyrics. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needed. You're needing him again. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. How many, how much by Shel Silverstein. How many slams in an old screen door? Depends how loud you shut it. How many slices in a bread? Depends how thin you cut it. How much good inside a day? Depends how good you live them. How much love inside a friend? Depends how much you give them. And a few more words of wisdom for you this lovely July day. A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake. Nick, we're gonna cut. Words are the voice of the heart. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna cut. true friend who never betrays. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. And last but not least, everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. Now always remember to put your zip code on all the mail you send this lovely July. Zippity-doo-dah! Zippity-ay! My oh my, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine coming your way! Zippity-doo-dah! Zippity-ay! He's insane in the membrane. He's insane in the membrane. Chickster's insane, he's insane in the membrane. Now back to the Chickster. Zippity-doo-dah! Zippity-ay! I'm insane in the membrane. Yes, I'm insane in the membrane. Zippity-doo-dah! He's insane in the membrane. The Chickster's insane in the membrane. Yeah! Yeah, okay, somebody knows I'm insane. You're not the only one. Well, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Wise nutritionists say only some donuts should be taken away. The calories that are hard are sometimes filled with lard. Like the heart should know, it's only yeast and dough, keeled over as white snow. The dough boy and Elvis then let go. Tickle me, tickle me, tickle me. Tickle me, tickle me, tickle me. Watch your cholesterol intake and watch what you eat and have a good day. Here's to production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production production Nikki Ciccone, our chief engineer. I'd be lost without him. The lovely Una Moon. I want to thank April Havaschankman and Jared Whittam for their support. Adam J. Shankman, Austin Shankman, and of course I want to thank you folks, my listening audience. On behalf of Chickster's Nest, this is the Chicksters signing off. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you.