Gabrielle Francis on bulimia recovery and sobriety

I'm Vic Cohen, and it's a fair question. It's a fair question. It's a fair question. I'm Vic Cohen, and it's a fair question. It's a fair, it's a fair, it's a fair, it's a fair question. I'm Vic Cohen, and it's a fair, it's a fair, it's a fair, it's a fair quest, quest, question. Hello, this is Vic Cohen broadcasting live. Yes, it's live from gorgeous, stunning, just spectacular Skid Row Studios in downtown Los Angeles, California, on the corner of Olive and 7th. I say that in case you want to drop something off. We take presents here. Well, the name of the show is It's a Fair Question, because on this show, every question is a fair question. There is absolutely no question that is ever, ever too personal or ever off limits. Now, sitting across from me is an amazing lady. She is a great guest, and I cannot wait for you to meet her, but I'm going to make you suffer and wait just a minute. Because I want to just, I want to share with you some exciting news for me. A lot of you know I work on a show called The Chase on GSN, and I recently found out that along with the other producers, I'm up for an Emmy for that, which is really cool. So I just wanted to share that with you. And also, for those of you who watch Deal With It on TBS, I just found out we've been picked up for more episodes, and so keep an eye out for that. And finally, a show I wrote on Copycat. It's a new singing competition. It's a new singing competition show on MTV. If you can check that out, too. It just premiered. It's on MTV, 3 p.m. Pacific and Eastern Time, 2 Central. All right. Now I've gotten that taken care of. Let's get back to the show. And this lady, this beautiful lady sitting across from me, she's a stand-up comic. I've known her for years. Very funny and very sensitive. She really feels life. And I think that's what I love about her, even more than her comedy. Because she's so human. And I just love that. I like when people share who they are and are vulnerable. So I'm really excited to have her, and I'm really excited for you all to meet her. And her name is Gabrielle Francis. Hi. How are you? Yeah. On that introduction, I think I might cry. Aw. You know, it's funny. I've always called you Gabrielle. I've never called you with the last name, Francis. Oh, yeah. Is that Catholic? It feels like a Catholic last name. I don't know why. No, not Catholic at all. No. It's a very non-denominational name. Is it? Yeah. It's just Francis. Yes. I don't know. It sounds very, I don't know, very formal. So how are you doing? Oh, I'm doing great. Thanks so much for having me, by the way. I want to thank you. I'm going to share with all of you what was the impetus for Gabrielle joining us. We're Facebook friends. Yes, it's true. But what's nice is she's one of the Facebook friends I actually know. Oh. There's some I don't. It's always bad. Isn't that Gabrielle? And someone goes, how do you know? And you're like, I don't. They're like, they're your Facebook friend. Right. Okay. Well, Gabrielle is actually a real Facebook friend of mine. And she posted, I'm going to read something to you all that she posted that really I found very interesting. So here it goes. She wrote 17 years ago, and I'm not going to be paraphrasing. This is literally what she wrote. She wrote, 17 years ago, I decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of a higher power. Prior to that, I was dying inside, eating nonstop and bulimic. Thank you to all the people who have mentored me along the way, my soul sisters and brothers, my beautiful friends and family, who love me no matter what, then and now. I used to hate my body and myself. Today, I'm free. I celebrate my life and yours. One of the many reasons I love being a stand-up comic is there is no age, race, weight, or height requirement, just the requirement to be true to yourself. So that was posted, what, two days ago? That was May 30th. Okay. And you know that because that's your date of sobriety, correct, with eating issues? It would be my sobriety date from the bulimia. From the bulimia, okay. Yes. The last bulimic episode was on Memorial Day 17 years ago. All right. So why? First, let's get into it. Let's get into it. Let's get into why you felt the need to post something so personal on Facebook. Because you're kind of outing yourself and, you know, some people are very private about their addictions or recovery. I was outing myself, but at the same time, it's such a big deal. And I really get what a big deal it is. And I think that... What is the big deal? The big deal is that I have 17 years from that. Okay. And it has... That's your time. Absolutely. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. And... I was thinking maybe you meant like the addiction itself, but maybe you meant both. Well, the addiction itself is a big deal. Yeah. And I don't know if a lot of people... A lot of people give drugs and alcohol addiction a lot of street cred, you know? But the food thing is a whole nother animal because that's something that you can never stop doing. You can never just stop eating, ever. Right. You know, you can stop doing drugs and alcohol and you can still survive. But food is necessary to live. Yeah. So it's such a tricky balance. So getting back to why you posted this, you posted it because it was a monumental day in your life and you felt it was such an important event that you felt it was important. Had you been quiet about your food issues? I haven't been quiet about my food issues. Anyone that knows me for the most part knows that I've had this battle in my life. And... But I also feel that... That it's important to post positive things on Facebook and to give people hope. And I got to be honest with you. I was shocked at the fact that there was over 200 likes on that post because I really suspected that only the people that really knew me up close and personal were going to even acknowledge that. But the fact that so many people did, I thought, wow, this is amazing. So when you push send or post, what was... Were you... Did you have a certain feeling? Like when you... Put that out there after you'd written it? I felt content. I felt content. But then right afterwards, I thought, oh, I didn't say this. And oh, I didn't say that. And oh, I really wish I would have added more information. I forgot to mention the people I mentored. Because my God, those women are my saving grace as well. Because during that 17 years, there were times when I wanted to fall off the wagon. And I would think about them and think, well, gosh, I'm their mentor. What am I going to do? Call them up in the morning? And go, hey, I kind of blew it last night. So I'm sorry, but I can't mentor you anymore. So they, in a sense, saved my ass as well. Well, you know, you can... You know what's great about Facebook posts? You can always edit. You know what? You can't. But that'd just be a little weird. I just keep going back and adding more and more stuff. Just keep changing it. Yeah. But you know what? That was so great that you contacted me because now I get to do it verbally, which is way more fun. Well, good. And just to share some of the comments, I copied some of them. Oh. And so the things that I thought I didn't... I'm not going to read all of them because there are so many, but one of the comments, very proud of you, boo-boo head. That's my fiance. Okay. So you're... Someone's calling you. So you're boo-boo head to him. Someone else, you're an awesome person. Other person wrote, I've always loved you. I've always thought you were beautiful inside and out. You're the biggest sweetheart. You're an awesome lady. That's my high school friend. Well, let's see. We've known each other since we were 16. So were you surprised by all those comments? I was. And yeah, some of the people that commented, I was surprised. And I was very... To be honest, I was really touched. I was very touched. You look like you're getting a little teary-eyed now. And what... Actually... Is that true? Or am I just... No. Is it your makeup, the lighting in the room? I just have really glassy eyes. I'm really tired. Good. Okay. And there's really shiny lights in my eyes right now. Oh, there are? Oh, there are? Yeah. What's shining in your eye? Oh, okay. Oh, not in a bad way. I'm fine. Okay, good. But it must be somewhat emotional anyways, I would think. I mean, or is it... You're past that. I don't know that I get very emotional over things like that. I think that the things that make me really emotional today are if I see acts that are injustice to other people. That makes me sad. Okay. Like, to be honest, walking around this neighborhood... At this hour made me really sad. Was it because you were with me or... It just made me really sad to be with you, Mick. Thanks. No, it's just... It was rough. It's like skid row today. Usually it's a little less skid row-ish. It was very skid row today. Yeah, I know. It was really heavy. Yeah. So you wrote that 17 years ago is when you stopped with your bulimia. Right. Yeah. Now, I've been kind of couching your situation as like... Eating challenges or... Did you just say I'm a food addict? How do you describe yourself? I never... Recovered bulimic? I never called myself a food addict. I think that sounds weird. But I would say... Compulsive eater. Compulsive eater. Overeater. Sure. Where were you going? Where was this meeting you went to? I mean, what was it? What program? Oh... What was it called? I don't know that that's actually something that I would feel comfortable with. Is it like a 12-step? Is it a 12-step type thing or you don't want to even talk about that? No. However, if anyone is interested, they're more than welcome to email me and I would be happy to disclose some of the modalities that I've used. I've used many modalities. Okay. But as far as in a 12-step way, I'm not really comfortable mentioning that. Okay. But I will say that I did use a lot of different modalities and I'm happy to share what I learned within those... Yeah, whatever you're comfortable with. ...modalities. Absolutely. Where could people reach you if they are interested? Or how could they? They could find me at facebook.com slash giftofgabriella, G-I-F-T-O-F-G-A-B-R-I-E-L-L-A. That's my Facebook handle and they could send me a private message. Okay. Absolutely. So what happened? Usually when people discover they have a problem or they're so, let's say, powerless, what was going on 17 years ago where you're like, I need to change? 17 years ago, I was high on pot because a friend of mine had gotten me high because I'd had a really bad day. I'm not a pot smoker per se, but that day she insisted that that's what was going to make it better that day. And I was driving in my car and I was with a cheeseburger and I was looking at the cheeseburger and I was organizing the pickles to be exactly perfect. And I look up and I almost drove right into a parked car. So that was pretty serious. What was going on with the pickles? Well, I needed them to be perfectly organized so that I would have one in every bite. Oh, I see. Okay. What was the, where was this? McDonald's burger? I have to really paint the total picture. I do believe it was probably McDonald's. Were there fries with that? Absolutely. Always. But no fries in the burger. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No., No., No., you know, I used to be a waitress and I would go to the manager's office and I'd be pounding on the door and she'd open the door and I'd be like, they forgot to put the pickles on this person's cheeseburger. And they'd be like, okay, it's not an emergency. They're like, if the building's not on fire and if someone's not injured, it's not an emergency. Like to me, if someone's meal wasn't perfect, that was an emergency because it was to me. I was an amazing waitress. It sounds like it. Very sensitive, very sensitive. But I would say that not getting my food exactly the way I needed it when I wanted it was serious business. Was this like an OCD kind of thing? I guess you could call it OCD. Sounds like it. Well, it's really like the medicine, you know, it's like I need my medicine and this is my medicine and it's got to be perfect. So needless to say, I ate a lot of foods that were very predictable. Oreo cookies taste the same every time. Cheeseburgers from McDonald's taste the same nearly every time. Pretty close. You mean being predictable so that like you wouldn't be disappointed in the ritual? There was always a creamy filling in the middle? Always. Not the issue of no pickles or not enough pickles? That is correct. Okay. Yes. And I mean, a typical episode for me would be, you know, two fast food restaurants followed with a donut shop followed by ice cream. I can remember sitting in my apartment in San Francisco and having just boxes and bags of food just all around me. I'm sitting on the floor, you know, and I have all of this food that I've just purchased and, you know, that was my deal. And how did that feel? Like you're top of the world king? No. No, I wouldn't say that. I would say that it made me feel comforted. Okay. You know that. That it wasn't about the ego at all. No, I just meant like, you know, you were high. Oh, yeah. No. No, it wasn't a high. It's pretty low. You feel pretty low. Oh, really? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. That's like the lowest feeling. Oh, okay. Yeah. The lowest feeling in the world sitting there with the shame is just out of this world. It was a secret. Oh, yes. Absolutely. When I was in my disease, it was definitely a secret. It was a secret because I can't think of anything more shameful than the way I used to eat. And then to follow it up with sticking your head in the toilet. I mean, that is just full on shameful. And the going public with that was something more recent than like with that post or? Yeah, I don't think I've ever posted anything like that on Facebook. And I think because I'm a bit more of an alternative dark comedian and, you know, my material is very left. I'm very left of center. It's not, I don't think as vulnerable as I am in real life. I do touch on very vulnerable subjects, no doubt about it, but they always take a pretty extreme left turn. But I think that in real life, people don't know what I've been through. They just see me. They just see me as this little person, this little person who's always smiling. And you're saying little because you're short. I'm short. Yeah, I'm little. Right. And I don't weigh a lot. You know, I don't weigh a lot either. Yeah. And so do you consider yourself? Do you consider yourself right now having an issue around food? I have an issue around Coca-Cola. Really? Oh, yeah. Big time. Started about five years ago. Sugar or sugar free? The real deal. The real thing, I should say. I'm sorry, Coke. I just fucked up your slogan. You're talking about Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola. The drink. The drink. Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. And how does that show itself? It shows itself by the fact that I can't quit. So once you start? I just can't quit. Like a two liter could go? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. I'm not consuming mass quantities of it. I would say that it's just the fact that I don't want to drink it anymore ever again. And I still do. Oh. So it's not mass quantities or anything like that. But I just think that it's a poisonous substance. I don't think that it's good for a person. Okay. But I love it. And I also have some health things going on right now. So I lost a lot of my weight. I lost my energy, my natural energy. And so that was what I picked up to sort of compensate for those issues. And I know that it'll be lifted eventually. But for now, that's where it's at. I'm just being honest. Yeah. That I'm not perfect. No. It doesn't sound like a big deal to me, but it is to you. It's not. Yeah. It's hard to talk about again because it's like, oh, it's such a silly little thing. Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So what? Getting back to 17 years ago when you said you had your last bulimic episode. Yes. This, you go and get some help, but what was like the bottom then exactly? I mean, did you have like something, you kind of described some stuff that was going on. Was there bulimia involved in it too? Was there bulimia involved? Yeah. Like whenever you would, do you call it binging? Yeah. Yeah. Would it end up with bulimic? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what you call it, purging? Well, yeah, that started when I was 16. I was compulsively eating since I was a little girl. That was the way I comforted myself as a little girl. And I had my parents, but my father's a Vietnam vet with PTSD. And so he would have fits of anger. And then my mother, and he has like the bluest eyes. So it was very Stephen King moment when he was having his episodes. What would happen? Well, just yelling. Yeah. My father wasn't, he's not violent. Did he call you names? No, no, no, no. No, I was just in trouble. He was scary? It was scary. Yeah. For a little girl to have your father yelling is very scary. What does the PTSD episode look like for your father when you were growing up? Oh, just him yelling and, you know, I was in trouble. And, you know, it was just, to be honest with you, I couldn't even give you specifics because I only have the feelings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Blocked it out. Did he actually see combat in Vietnam? Oh, yes. My father has three purple hearts. So he's, he definitely was a victim of combat. And my, the thing that, about my father is he's, he's a doll. Like he's a sweet, sweet, sweet man. And so to see, I think the violence and to inflict violence on another person, that would just really break my dad's heart. How long? I think his heart was broken. to be honest. How old were you when he left? Do you remember? Well, oh, no, no, no. Cause I, I was being born. Okay. So he was gone when you were born? He wasn't there. That's correct. He was in Vietnam. That is correct. Okay. And then do you remember when he came back or was it, you were still so young? You don't even remember? No, I was really young. Okay. I was really young, but he did stay longer, which broke my mother's heart. Okay. Yeah. She was hurt that, that he stayed longer in Vietnam and didn't come home. That does feel weird. Like you'd think, um, if you're the spouse, like really Vietnam's better than home. That's what she thought. That's what she thought. But, but in, but everyone makes their own decisions based on survival and based on what they think is, is ultimately the best thing for everyone. And, and that's what he thought was the best thing for everyone. And, you know, my mom was very depressed and really depressed. When that happened and she, she couldn't quite get over it. Like clinically depressed? Very clinically. Yeah, absolutely. Was she suicidal? I don't know that I would ever say my mom was suicidal, but I do feel like she was pretty vacant. So you had a father who was caught up in dealing with his post-traumatic stress syndrome, the PTSD. Yes. And you have a mother who's chronically depressed. Correct. And so how does that? The reason why I brought that up is because when you don't have the physical nurturing from a parent, you start to seek it out in other forms. And, and food has a physical sensation. So I feel like. Comfort food. Yeah. People say comfort food. Absolutely. But also I think that there was a void inside, like an emotional void. And so when you feel like you're putting the food in, you feel like you're feeling like you're not feeling well. You're filling up this void. And so, and now on top of it, where the bulimia comes in, this is how I describe this, is that when you, when, when you have feeling, first of all, having had parents like that, you feel very unlovable. Because you think it's about you. Absolutely. Because that's how children are. For sure. So I felt very unlovable. And so feeling unlovable, then you, you think there must be something wrong. So then you feel shame. Yeah. Okay. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? And then you try to be perfect. So you try. I can connect with someone. Yeah. You try to act perfect. You try to look perfect. You just try to please everyone. You do look perfect today. I must tell you. Oh, thank you. On a side note. Thank you so much. But go on. Yes. You're trying to look perfect. You're trying to. Compensating. Correct. So then things like. Thinking your parents would love you more, maybe. Or just searching other, any way. I kind of gave up on, on them as much. I, I, I started to look to the outside world. What year, how old you think? Or is this. Oh, wow. Single digits? I mean, really. I would say single digits. And then really it escalates when you get into your teens and you start to get all this peer pressure and then you start getting bullied and, you know, all of these things. And, you know, my parent, my friend's parents, because, you know, because my mom was having her thing, my dad was having her thing. I was like this little adult. I was raised with very little boundaries and very, very little discipline. So my friend's parents would call me that girl. They're like, is that girl here? Not in a positive way. No. That girl. That's an old show. No, no, no, no. Not Marlo Thomas. Like, is that girl here? Where's that girl's mother? You know, it's just because I didn't have a filter. I would just speak out. I would say inappropriate things. And. Do you, do you have a foul mouth? Were you that kid who dropped like the F-bombs? No. No, I wasn't cursing. I was just a little bit loud and just inappropriate. But you know, you're not. You're not. You're not. You're not. You're not. You're not. You're not. You're not. Whatever I thought in my mind, I would just say it. Right. And I also, I didn't, I had a problem with authority figures and any kind of parental figure. Like I was just like, who are you? You're not the boss of me. You know, with everybody. Because no one was. But some people have been the boss of me and they don't like that. You know what I mean? It made jobs really difficult. Oh, I bet. I got fired. A lot? I got fired a few times. Yeah. Because I was doing it my way. Mm-hmm. And, but I would say that, that, you know, when, anyway, so, so about that shame. So, so in order to be pretty, you feel like you need to suppress ugly, quotes, emotions like anger and sadness and all of these things. Because obviously if you're running around experiencing those emotions, then nobody will really like you. So, so that's where the bulimia comes in. Because I think when you have all that shame, you just want to get it out. So I think of bulimia as like an exorcism. It's like exercising the, the negative emotions. Okay. That you can't show the world. See, this is what I thought. I dated a girl who's bulimic. Yes. And, um, not that that makes me like certified in anything except I dated a girl who's bulimic. But my understanding was always that, um, binging would be like eating a lot of food when to fill the hole, the void, whatever it is, whether it's shame or disappointment, disappointment, sadness, whatever. And then because we, the addict want to keep their bodies thin, they want to get it out as quickly as possible. So they would go to the bulimia. And also I thought that because there's a high in the brain from vomiting that, and so that when people were bulimic or are bulimic, they're also trying to get like the same high. I've been told it's described almost like the same as an orgasm. Okay. So you're saying that you're trying to get to the same high with your brain? So, um, I don't know if I would ever describe it as an orgasm. Oh, okay. So that's great that you bring that up because that's a whole nother aspect. But for me, I don't know if I would ever describe it as an orgasm or anything like that, because for me it was wretched. And I think that it's exhausting and you feel just wasted afterwards. And I think that for me, that absolutely ties back into that perfection. Yeah. Which is I need to look perfect so that I'm loved. And so when you bring up the weight and that whole thing, a hundred percent, that's, that's another aspect of it. But I say a byproduct is that you feel this exorcism happening, you know, because all that feeling of shame is usually in your gut. Do you know what I mean? That's where your intuition feel, you feel your intuition, all of that is, is inside. Where did you get, how old were you when you've had a first orgasm? Yeah. When you first experienced a bulimic? 16. All right. 16. And I, it would have been sooner, but I was unsuccessful. And, and so... On 16, you mean you tried? I tried and it was unsuccessful. And the way I learned about it was on an afterschool special. I was gonna guess that. Yeah. Isn't that just ironic that, and I don't think that was the objective of that, of that, of that TV show. Wasn't that, what I think was a movie. It was an ABC afterschool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I, and you know, it's funny, a lot of girls I've met that are bulimic learned from there too. And it's just like, what? You know? You ever think about, had you grown up where internet, the internet had all these sites like they do now, what would have happened? Well, do you know, I... Or were they starting to come up when you were that age? When you said sites, you mean self-help sites? No, like pro-anorexic sites, pro-bulimia. Oh, honestly, this is nothing that... Yeah. Honestly, this is nothing that I ever wanted. I didn't want to live this way. And I definitely didn't want to live the way I was as far as the eating went. But I will tell you this, I thought I would live and die like that. I thought that was just me. So I'm, this is a whole new idea to me. Okay. I, the way eating disorders are described to me and, and in films and like a lifetime movies, the girl wants to be thin because it makes her feel better. And you're saying that it didn't make you feel better. Something you said sounds different than what I've always thought. So here's what I, when I mentor people, this is what I tell them. You look thin, but inside you know what you're doing to be that way. And everywhere you go, you're taking that with you because you know. And so the amount of shame that comes with it, you know, is that comes with that affects every area of your life you know and I feel like I want to be alive when I'm in the world I want to be healthy I want to be interacting I want to feel joy women that are bulimic in let me just speak for myself when I was bulimic I could not feel joy not at all it's not it's because you're just secret you're just numb because you had a secret and also because the physical exhaustion from doing it I was a lie I was a walking lie you know I look this way but and that's so oh I'll tell you I was just on tour in Sweden and the way that they they thought this was hilarious to introduce me as we have a female American comic and she's not fat and the whole audience would just roar with laughter you know I'm not a woman I'm not a woman I'm not a woman I'm not a woman I'm not a woman and I told they told they told me because they would say it in Sweden Swedish and then they would come back to me and I would say well how did you introduce me and then they told me and I said oh really so that's not so is that what you so that's what you guys think of American women is that they're all fat and I was pissed I was like well you don't know me I was fat for most of my life in my mind were you ever really fat though I mean besides you know like I was about 25 pounds heavier at my highest weight yeah so I mean and I'm not I just again I'm not that tall so for me but you know once I got into recovery my my weight didn't fluctuate more than 10 pounds and that's a big deal that's a really big deal the so something you said that you saw your future as always being this way 100% so what happens where you found some hope I think that I had to see that other people were like me first that was the first thing cuz I didn't know anyone that was like me I didn't know him I didn't know anyone that ate like me and I didn't know anyone who who was bulimic so once I did and then I found out that they weren't anymore that gave me a lot of hope and so that was my first experience with really sticking with something because I wanted it so bad you know I was I was desperate to be different and I feel like the when I saw other people who who were willing to teach me what they did that made all the difference in the world so I think that that's that's just that I'm trying to say so so I really needed to learn some tools I needed to have some hope and I needed to have some hope and I needed to have some hope and I needed to have some hope and I needed to learn some tools and so some of the tools that I've used have been writing I write and I don't write as much now but I used to write a ton in the early years because I really had to get my emotions on paper and prayer and meditation is big for me and reaching out to other people there was a girl we didn't have a lot in common exactly but for some reason I was able to get to some people and I was able to get to some people and I was able to get to some people and I was able to get to some people whenever I was on the breaking point where I thought oh yeah I'm definitely gonna go backwards I for whatever reason would always be able to get in touch with her and she would pick up the phone and I would say I feel like I'm gonna break and she would just stay on the phone with me and just talk to me until I started crying and it was those tears that I was running away from it was the vulnerability that I was running away from and so to to have those tears is what saved my life and and so did she you know because she was willing to be on the other end and and just just be really she's not you know she's not a magician she was just another human having an experience and holding you know reaching out her hand to me um like someone had done for her some of these um I'm kind of calling it a addiction would that be fair to say an addiction yeah the bulimia oh absolutely okay yeah um there are times where an addict's one who go back to their addiction particularly it doesn't matter what the addiction is but usually it's under stress uh life challenges uncomfortable feelings uh over the 17 years how close to the edge have you gone to uh doing something I don't know how to describe it we say purging is the same as sure yeah so when like how many times does that happen or is it is it something you struggle with even to this day I would say in the first couple of years three years five years maybe it was a lot more frequent probably like once a week and you know that kind of thing but then over the years it got to be less and less and I would say I mean I was just on vacation um in Europe and I was this close I mean I'm literally in like the most beautiful place I've ever been in the world you're talking about no I was this was a this was a vacation okay yeah this was a vacation and I um I just sometimes I think alcohol can kind of trigger it a little bit and um I think I just had a little bit too much alcohol not not an exorbitant amount I just don't drink very much so this was just a little bit more and and I might have you know because the food in Italy is kind of amazing so I think I got a little carried away so you ate a lot overindulged but it's not even that much I just don't eat that much anymore and I don't really drink but it's still there was something that okay so I was just I was just too full yeah I was just too full how did you not end up doing that I I have a partner who's amazing and he actually yes he actually works as an interventionist and so that's convenient um you are marrying an interventionist yeah um but yeah but uh but you know he uh he's very sensitive and and so I can be honest with him about where I'm at and also I know just how to just get really calm when I'm in that space you know it means I just need to go and just chill out was there was there uh an actual besides the drinking or the drinking you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know a little bit and eating till you felt full was there uh something happening in your life at that moment like um a pressure a stressor that that occurred actually yeah I think that the stress might have just been the fact that we were really having this amazing experience and I think it's so funny you were saying about stresses and this and that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that It's all about like spreading your wings and starting to really be out in the world. And that can be a little scary sometimes. I think that's a great point. I mean, one of the things that for myself, being a single guy, I feel like I need to be with someone who isn't in an active addiction. I would date anyone who were, if they were, let's say, recovered or in a very solid place in their recovery if they're in addiction. But as far as when someone's in the addiction, I always believe that they do already have a relationship. And it's with that addiction. And I will always be an outsider. That's been my experience when I have dated someone, a couple of people, I believe, who had eating issues. And so I hear what you're saying. I mean, it makes sense. That's all I'm saying. Right. And also, I think, too, I have a lot of physical pain. In my body. And I think that can really trigger as well. Because I'm actually in physical pain. And so there's a tendency to want to get out of pain. Is the recovery, a lot of it about how to recognize feelings that in the past would have unconsciously led to acting out? And it'd be aware... Wait, say that again? Is part of the recovery being aware of, more conscious of what in the past was an unconscious trigger, and intervening on yourself in a healthy way using these new tools? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Is that part of what recovery is? It's particularly with, I would imagine it's with any addiction. Absolutely. Because I think that acting out is really bailing out on yourself. And so, because there's a solution for every single thing that you have in your life that you struggle with. Right. And sometimes there's not a solution per se. But how you look at it is sometimes a solution, if that makes sense. For instance, I don't like it that I'm in physical pain. And I'm doing everything I can to get to the bottom of that. But the reality is, is that this pain has made me more humble. And it's made me more compassionate. Right. I never had a broken arm. I never had any kinds of physical ailments like that. I've never had stitches, you know. Would you like some? I can do that. No, thank you. But I have, well, because I have now. But the thing is, is like my friends that, you know, had gone through major surgeries or anything like that, I had no clue, A, what a person going through that would be. What is going on? Just because we do call this show, we, it's me. It's a fair question. So I have to ask, because I know all of you listening, or many of you are probably wondering, like what is going on with you? Oh, why am I in pain? Physically. Oh. I mean. Well, I had a spinal fusion in 2006. And I was rear-ended twice after that fusion. Okay. So I was in, I was in two car accidents. Oh my God. And so I think it basically rattled my cage. So that's what's going on. You're dealing with the effects of that. Yeah, absolutely. You're living, you're, you know, you're okay. I mean. Oh, yeah. It's not life-threatening. No, it's not life-threatening. Okay. However, it does threaten my life. Well, it does in a way, because if you were to act out over this. Yeah. Do you, does part of what keep you from not purging, just because you just, you still remember the pain like it was yesterday? Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday. No doubt about it. And, and also I will say this, to me at the time, I thought, oh, I'll just do it once a week for a month. I'll get to my goal weight. And then everything's fine. Everything will be great. But it doesn't work that way. Because if you don't deal with, for me, I'm not a bulimic first, I'm a bulimic second. I'm a compulsive eater first. Food was my drug. So if, and I do want to say this, I think it's really important that people know this. My experience was I had no idea how to eat. I noticed a lot of girls that I mentor, one of the biggest issues that they have when I ask them to tell me what they eat in a day, boom, breakfast is always the culprit. That a lot of women wake up and they don't want to eat. I don't eat breakfast. A lot of people don't. And I'm a man. But well, I haven't mentored any men. So, so your body's the same. I skip breakfast because I don't want the calories. Unless I'm working on a show. Really? I think I have some eating stuff. I'll share them with you real quick and you can tell me. Okay. I think that everyone, I don't know. I don't want to make a big statement, but I think a lot of people do. And then it goes unrecognized. But the difference is at what point does it become life threatening and shameful? Like I'm proud of some of my techniques of eating. Like I share them with people. Like one of them is like I found a way on TV sets, you know, they have a lot of food and I found a way to eat donuts without ever gaining weight. And I just lick the tops. Oh. And then this is really bad. I hope you don't put them back. No. I'm not going to touch that. I'm going to put a bulimic around the corner. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm kidding. She's not going to touch that. That's horrible. No, that's for sure. It's not perfect anymore. Absolutely. Yeah. Good point. I didn't realize that's common with bulimics. It has to be perfect, the food. Is that just you or is that a common thing? Well, I think it's very common that it has to be exactly what we want. Most definitely. That's a big deal. However, I have eaten stuff that I threw away. Like I would throw it in the trash and say, OK, I'm done with that. And I throw it in the trash and then I go back and take it out. Okay. Yeah. Here's something. I stopped doing because I realized it was bad for my teeth and also my stomach. And I realized it is an actual someone said to me, that's like an eating disorder. And then I stopped. So the fact that I could stop makes it not really because it's usually when people are powerless and they can't stop. That's correct. So I am I this is crazy thing about my weight. I don't want to be fat. You know, I think it came from my parents. And so I like with all this food around, I would eat dark chocolate, put it in my mouth. Chew on it and then spit it out. And so I would just get the taste of the chocolate and then it would be gone. But the problem was I was getting cavities. And also I realized there's a name for this that it actually had a name scared me. And then what was the name you heard? I forgot. Disgusting. Yeah. A big waste of chocolate. Yeah. But I would go through like dark chocolate, like like a ton. But this is what I didn't know. I think it's called spitting, but spitting. I don't know if there's an actual name for it. I think so. I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure. But I don't know if you know this, Gabriella. But what the problem is, it causes your it begins the digestive process. So all the the acids in the stomach begin to start moving around. Come on, come on, chocolate. Right. But I spit it out. Oh, so there's no it can screw up my digestive tract. And I have Crohn's disease, not from that. So I really shouldn't be messing around with anything that can affect my eating. And then I'll just finish when I was ten. I had a girl, a girl I really liked, and she wrote me a note saying that she would not go out with me because I had a big butt. Oh, when I was ten. Oh, my God. And I put myself on a diet immediately. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I do I do want to say one thing, which is that. What I do want to share is that. There are I had someone who mentored me who said because even though I stopped the bulimia 17 years ago. So the binge eating didn't stop right away. That stopped, you know, a few years later. I still had work to do. What is binge eating? How do you know you're binge eating when you're eating just way too many calories or beyond your comfort zone? 4000 calories in a day. That's a lot for a person. Anyone. Yeah, absolutely. And but I would say that for me, she she was she would say, like, well, can you love yourself the way you are? And and so that was really important to me. And and I think that there are women who are just fantastic and they are heavier women like Cameron Mannheim and and Melissa McCarthy. And, you know, these these women are phenomenal, you know, and I just I love them and I think that what's important to remember is that just because we think we're fat doesn't mean we have to stop our life. Just because we think we're not perfect doesn't mean we have to stop our life. You know, we can still go out there and fully express. And and that brings me to the next point, which is. You know, could I love myself no matter what? And so that's when I just started to do things that I was afraid of, because my whole thing was, well, when I get to this weight, then I'm going to go do that thing. When I get to this weight, then I'm going to go do that thing. And so I was constantly preventing myself from having any life experiences. Was that just a way? Of dealing with fear? Absolutely. That's the number one thing. Yeah, that's it. Fear. Full stop. Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear. You know, it's amazing. I have this I actually just bought a book because I think fear fear stops all of us in different ways, and I just bought this book today. And I was going to share it with you actually after the show. I have it right here. I'm gonna hold it up to the camera. Oh, and it's called Fear. It's a this guy's name is Thick, Not Done and THICHNHATHANH. And it's about it's a Buddhist approach to fear. And it is such a great book. I love it. And I really highly recommend it. But you find the fears is a root cause of a lot of. Oh, yeah. For me, it was number one. Number one. And I think. How did you get through the fear? Fear rejection. Well, how how did you do that? Feel the fear and do it anyway. OK, I mean, I get this that slogan. I actually bought that book just because I like the title and I even read the book and highlighted. But it still didn't get me to do stuff. Yeah, but that that's it. So what I had to do was write a list of everything I was afraid of and then do it. What was on that list? Oh, wow. Keep it clean. Well, I like saying that then it becomes not clean. Yeah, like mainly getting an agent. You know, or or I mean, professional stuff, a lot of professional stuff. Traveling was really scary for me. I've traveled a lot now and I want to travel like all the time. That's all I want to do. But but before I was just so afraid that, you know, I was going to miss something. I didn't want to go away. I was going to miss something. But when I just want to backtrack, because we're almost we're getting close to out of time here. Oh, wow. When you I always find. And I kind of asked this already, but I want to see if I can maybe answer in another way to get the answer. I'm curious about most with this question. Most people who have an addiction have a bottom where they're they're like, I'm I just life is just not I can't do it. I'm done. So when you had your last bulimic experience, was it a light bulb moment? Like, this is it. I am. If so, describe that. And if not. I mean, why? Why was that the last time? Most people say an addict needs a bottom. Because I accidentally stumbled into. A place that I discovered these other people, so that was kind of what happened. How do you even end up in this place? And you just knew you had a problem and you were trying to find different solutions. Looking for a support group. OK, I was looking for a support group. And in another area, in a codependent area. OK, because that's all I knew. Yeah, because I had a friend of mine who was in this support group for codependence. This is literally what happened. My friend was in this support group for codependence and I went to one of these groups. And at that time I was just looking for that. I wasn't looking. That seemed to be the thing that was on fire that needed to be put out. Yeah. And and this this paper, this thing that I saw that the meeting was at that place, something was wrong. It wasn't there. And so the guy was like, oh, why don't you go to this other place? Because they have a lot of, you know, support groups there. And so you should just go there. And so I did. And then they coincidentally had a support group for anorexics and bulimics. And I was like, oh, I guess you can kind of relate to those people. And I went there and then that's when my mind was blown because I was like, oh, my God, all these people are just like me. Well, I thought I was the only one. And from that first meeting with all these people, this group, where you were like, I'm ready, I want to just change my life. I was ready long before that, but had no idea how to get help. Therapy did not help me. You know, that just it didn't help. I needed way more accountability than that. You know, I needed like constant. Constant care. Really. What does that look like? Phone calls, phone calls and and showing up every single day. Like for two years, I showed up to this support group. Wow. OK, great. And it doesn't cost anything. I mean, like that could be a fortune. Did you ever do inpatient or outpatient at like a eating disorder place? Actually, I was suicidal when I was 19 and and. You dropped that bombshell on us when you were almost out of town. You know, I want to ask about that was that as a result of everything we'd already talked about, the childhood, the life of depression around your own. I was living in San Francisco. I was alone. That was during that time when I was sitting in the floor with all those that food around me and I had had I'd been abandoned by my best friend, slept with my boyfriend, basically. Oh, and so I was abandoned by the two main people that were my, you know, bookends of living in a new city. And so I was really alone. And so I was very depressed. You grew up in Stockton. I grew up in Stockton, but now I was living in San Francisco. And so I was so depressed and I my boss at work took me to the hospital because I was telling suicidal. And so he took me to Kaiser and they interviewed me for about five hours and decided that I was a threat to myself. And they put me in an ambulance and took me to a hospital. And so I was, you know, one flew over the cuckoo's nest experience. But, you know, but it was it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I really needed to make some changes in my life at that time to create a support system. And I just didn't know how I was 19. You know, I just didn't know how you do that. But but it was very helpful. And and I was there for ten ten days. And and it was it was great. Did you let it happen with the with your with bulimia and others eating disorder and has is your body ravaged in any way permanently? I know a lot of people have heart. No, by the grace of God. One of the things that they taught me in that hospital. So if anyone's listening and you happen to still suffer from this disease was to brush my teeth with baking soda because it neutralizes the acid that's coming out of your stomach into your mouth. And so it neutralizes it. And so you don't because a lot of my friends don't have their teeth, a good majority of their teeth. I have all my teeth. Thank God. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's kind of a big deal. But, you know, that's that's that's a high note we can we can leave on you always count on Gabrielle for the funny. They always say, leave on your best joke. Yeah, no, but but seriously, you know, it's serious. It's serious. And and I was grateful that you brought me here to talk about something that is really near and dear to my heart in a way that I hope to be able to help other people. And like I said, you know, we touched on a lot of things here. But I would say that, you know, for me, the the food combining and all of that and that neuroses is is really like combusted energy inside is combusted creative energy. So so start to be creative and put your mind on other things that you think that you're going to fail at. Just do it anyway. Well, it sounds like also, though, the message I'm getting from our hour together is that it can't be done alone. Or at least you couldn't do it alone. Absolutely not. You know, it's not about buying a self-help book or just going to websites. No, it's human contact. 100 percent. What we're doing right now. 100 percent. Do you consider this part of your recovery? Us talking? Yeah, you're cured of whatever is wrong with you. You are. I don't mean that, but that's funny. But as far as your recovery, is this part of it? Oh, God. Sharing your story. Absolutely. Reaching out again. Where can people contact you if they want to reach out to you? Facebook dot com slash gift of Gabriella. G I F T O F G A B R I E L L A. What about your stand up? If people want to see you perform, is that on there as well? Add me on Facebook and I post all my shows and I can get free tickets for you. It's it's definitely the place to find. OK, so it sounds like just to wrap it up. You said earlier very early that part of the addiction or maybe most of the addiction was hiding out, not living a big life, isolating, isolating, not going through the fear. Right. So now, 17 years later, after you got some help. You're traveling around the world performing stand up comedy, which you weren't doing before. No. You have a fiance that you love. I would hope. I do. OK. I love him. Yeah. And you're not and you're not engaging in these behaviors. No. So you're safe. No, I'm engaged to a man. No, I'm kidding. Good. Thank you again. So great. So great. I learned a lot. Thank you for having me. Yeah. And you still didn't tell me if I had a food problem. I don't I think if it's if it's interfering with life and you can't stop, that's when you know it's a problem. The most important thing is that you're not alone. The most important thing is if you feel like you're the walking dead. If you feel like your food addiction comes between your relationships with other people and that you are just sad all the time, that's when, you know. OK. I think. OK. Yeah. Well, good. I think I don't have that addiction, but I have some definitely quirkiness. Thank God. I'm so glad. Yeah. And I'll eat my pickles anywhere. Yeah. On anything. It doesn't matter. Oh, my God. All right. Thanks again, Gabriella. Thank you. Thank you so much for being with us. It was really great. And thank all of you for joining us and hope to again, to hear and see you again. Here, I didn't hear you. I hope you join us again on because it's a fair question. I'm Vick Cohen, and it's a fair question. It's a fair question. It's a fair question. I'm Vick Cohen, and it's a fair question. It's a fair. It's a fair. It's a fair. It's a fair question. I'm Vick Cohen, and it's a fair. It's a fair. It's a fair. It's a fair quest, quest, quest, and...