📄 Transcript [show]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. president of today. The king of France with 40,000 men marched up to the hill and then he marched back again. The king of France with 40,000 men gave a salute and then he marched back again. The king of France with 40,000 men banged their drums and then marched back again. Ah, well, you see, well, the king of France with 40,000 men blew their horns and then marched back again. The king of France, the king of France with 40,000 men waved their flags and noses, ha-cha-cha-cha-cha, and then marched back again. Well, the king of France with 40,000 men, yeah, all shook hands, give me five. We'll see you next time. Hello everyone, this is Una Moon, your friendly astrological forecaster on behalf of the Chickster's Nest podcast here live at Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles, California. I would like to give all of you Pisces a special leap year prediction. You're a sucker for romance, yet this might not be the kind of day you would like. It's love on the run when a quick lunch with a partner or a fevered phone call to a faraway spouse might be as good as it gets. Keep your expectations low to avoid disappointment. There will be many other days that serve your desire for romance more skillfully than this one. Be playful and friendly, and you'll fit the mood perfectly. Set aside the big dreams for now, and you'll be able to appreciate the little things that make your life sweet. Now, if your birthday is February 29th, then next week means you get to blow out the candles. Blow out the candles for the first time in four years. Not only do we honor our presidents this month, but all of you who are celebrating a birthday. Happy birthday, sweeties, to you and yours. Today is your special day. So what if nobody came? I'll have all the ice cream and tea, and I'll laugh with myself. And I'll dance with myself. And I'll sing, Happy birthday to me. On my birthday, I want a hot dog with everything on it. I asked for a hot dog with everything on it, and that was a big mistake. Because it came with a parrot, a bee in a bonnet, a wristwatch, a wrench, and a rake. It came with a gold ring, a fish, a flag, a fiddle, a frog, and a front porch swing, and a mouse in a mask. That's the last time I asked for a hot dog with everything. These poems were by the late Shel Silverstein. Well, have a special day today and every day. And don't forget to put your zip code on all the mail you send. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. My, oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine coming your way. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. Now back to the chickster, who's insane in the membrane. Thank you very much, Una Mood. And now, a tender moment you've been waiting for. Don't choke the chicken now. You're about to see a real tearjerker. Ladies and germs, ladies and gerbilists, freaks and geeks, pricks with dicks, balls and girls alike, it's now time for our new, exciting, and stimulating soap opera. Well, don't cry about it. Don't get your pants wet. Skid Row Studios in Los Angeles proudly presents Chickster's Nest Grand Premier. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. The melodrama of Roscoe and Henrietta. Oh, oh, oh. My Roscoe, my sweet, let me count the days. And may we never part ways. I cherish each and every moment that we are together. We were just two lost souls that found each other at the 88-cent store. Oh! Why, yes, Henrietta, my sweet, tart baby. Why, yes, darling Dolly, we are truly united. Thanks to a couple of shopping carts crashing into each other. And just think, we was looking for dental floss, some liquid douche, and a toothbrush. Let us rejoice. Let us make celebration. This is quite an occasion. Let us click heels. Let us click champagne glasses. Let us rub our asses. I think we should have a romantic picnic. So let's go to Jefferson Square Park. I'll hail a taxi. And we'll pick up the food and all the trimmings along the way. Oh, let us have fine caviar and French bread and goose liver and drink flowing water. And drink flowing champagne. And maybe, just maybe, after dinner, I'll put on my Air Force One goggles and dive right into your catfish. I'm so sorry. I forgot. Let us have turkey for you and a big effing rod of 13-inch beef jerky for me. Why, do you think you could handle it, honey? I'm so proud of you. Yes, Roscoe. I could handle just about anything, especially when push comes to shove. Oh, oh, I'm so excited. But I can't take wetting my pants. Oh, I only have a few days left. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I almost forgot, doll. I have to pick up my favorite dessert, peach fir pie. Peachy keen. I won't forget. Let me open the window and flag down a taxi. Oh, taxi! Taxi! Taxi, taxi! Oh, excuse me, lady. Are you looking for a taxi? Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. Okay, all right, all right. You know, Oscar, that cab driver up front has something you really and truly need. Shh, don't tell him that we're talking. What the figgins are you talking about, doll? Balls. Well, I'm well hung without them balls. You're so funny, Henrietta. Why, I think you should be a comedian. Maybe I'll be the next Tussie O'Shea or perhaps Fanny Bryce or Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, psst, psst, psst. I just have one thing to tell you, love. Well, you see, I don't want to keep this inside me. It's burning me. What's on your mind? Spit it out. I forgot about the jack. No problem. I'll buy the jack cheese. The jack cheese are on the way to the park. You don't understand, doll. I'm involved in a relationship. Why, I'm married to Jack B. Kingsley, the famous movie mongrel. The only problem is, I'm not happy, doll. I'm in love with you. But you see, if Jack finds out, if he finds out that I'm seeing you, he'll probably kill me. I can't. I can't handle this, doll. But I want you to know I love you. What do you think? Well, I don't... I don't think too good of this situation. Taxi! Pull over to the curb! I want to get out! Well, that was Roscoe and Henrietta. What did Lincoln say after a drinking? I freed the what? Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the famous Washington Monument. And he said, what should I do? After a few seconds, George replied, abolish the IRS and start over. The real Abe Lincoln freed the slaves. Well, he was thinking about basketball, basically. And finally, what did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were born on a holiday. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Chickster on Chickster's Nest. It's time for advice and consent. Do's and don'ts. Hi, everybody. It's me. I know that you remember me, don't you? You know who I am, don't you? It's Libra Ranchi. But you can call me Cucaracha. Oh, that's so nice of you. My brother George, oh, he's doing fine. Don't worry, folks. If you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. You know who wrote that was Robert Benchley. Don't get mad. Don't even think about getting elected. And that was James Carville. It's so wonderful to be here. They always say, don't steal. The government hates competition. I thought that's kind of cute. You know, I got this candelabra and I almost burnt my testicles off. And that's not cute, honestly. You know, don't worry about a thing, folks. I mean, even the Chickster lays an egg. Don't worry about the world coming to an end either. I mean, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz wrote that one. You know, folks, you better enjoy yourself because, you know, it's later. It's later than you think. Try to enjoy yourself, okay? This is Libra Ranchi. I've got just one message for you. You work and work for years and years. You're always on the go. You never take a minute off. Too busy making dough. Someday you say you'll have your fun when you're a millionaire. Imagine all the fun you'll have in your old rocking chair. But all you want to do is rock on board a board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game board game You worry when the weather's cold, you worry when it's hot, when it's hot. You worry when you're doing well, you worry when you're not, when you're not. It's worry, worry all the time, you don't know how to laugh. They'll think of something funny when they write your epitaph. Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the heat. The years go by as quickly as a week. Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. Hello, everybody. By the way, Una Moon is back with some encouraging words. Take it away, Una. Hi, this is Una Moon once again, and I'd like to read a poem in honor of our presidents this month. George Washington, Adams, and Jefferson III, first rulers of Uncle Sam's land of the free. Then Madison, Monroe, and Adams again, all clever and upright and good, honest men. Then Taylor and Fillmore and Pierce held their sway, Buchanan and Lincoln, Johnson and Grant. Then Hayes, Garfield, despiser of Kant. Arthur and Cleveland, Harris and Benn, McKinley the martyr, beloved by all men. Then most energetic and strenuous Teddy, and plump William Taft for a second term ready. When Wilson was placed in this nation's great chair, and promised to always rule wisely and fair. Before I go, I would love to share some words of wisdom with you. Before I go, I would love to share some words of wisdom with you. In three words, I can sum up everything I have learned about life. It goes on. I love Deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Nobody spoke unless they had something to say. The human race would very soon lose the use of speech. And last but not least, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Crazy Chickster went to town riding on a pony. Stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni. Crazy Chickster, keep me sane. Crazy Chickster, goonie. Mind the music and the show and make the people loony. Until next time, this is Una Moon signing off. Live, laugh, and be happy. And now, back to the Chickster, who's insane in the membrane? Yeah, I'm not riding a pony, I'm telling you. And I'm not, I'm not crazy. Nobody believes me. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy, am I? You're listening to Chickster's Nest on Skid Row Radio. And I'm very happy to be here. Of course, I'm very happy to be anywhere. You know, the Chickster... Chickster doesn't lay eggs. Maybe I lay hens, for all I know. I'm really excited. Honestly, I am insane in the membrane. But anyway, we're celebrating President's Month. The presidents, without the presidents, I mean, you know, it's hard to go on. You know, what about the former president we had, Mr. Billy Clinton? I mean, I'll tell you the truth, folks. The way I feel about it, a little BJ didn't hurt anything. He still did a good job running the country. Really? But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. But he didn't hurt a thing. Monica's mouth goes up and down and Bill's penis hangs to the ground. Now Bill comes out and starts to pout, starts to pout, starts to pout. Bill comes out and starts to pout. He tries to unzip his zipper. Monica grabs a Kleenex to wipe her face, wipe her face, wipe her face. Monica grabs a Kleenex to wipe her face as the paparazzi leave town now. Bill and Monica go up and down, up and down, up and down. Bill and Monica go up and down, up and down, up and down. Bill and Monica go up and down. It's all over the town now. It's leaking all over the town now. And Monica finally got the shaft. And, you know, sometimes I feel a little shafted. But. Bill got in trouble and, you know, it's hard for Bill to go to Hillary and, you know. Well, I mean, I mean, just just because. Just because. You always hurt the one you love. The one. You shouldn't hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall. Now, excuse me, Mr. Carl Grayson. I'll tell this little girl all about this situation. Now, honey child. You know that you always seem to break the, well, the very kindest soul of our heart with a hasty word that you just can't seem to recall. Honey child, honey lamb, honey baby, honey doll. Honey. Pie. Now, then, if this boy. Now, mind you, I says, if this here boy done broke your heart last night. Honey child, honey lamb, honey baby, honey doll, honey pie. Is because he loves you the most of all. Honey child, honey lamb, honey rose and crush until the petals fall. You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can't recall. So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all. You always hurt the one you love. And I just got a call a little while ago from Edmonton, Canada. And I want to say hello to you. I love Canada. And whoever you are out there in Edmonton, I want to say thanks. Thanks very much, sincerely, for calling the Chickster here in Los Angeles at Chickster's Nest Skid Row Radio in the heart of downtown. In this cold world, no matter where I go, the crowds are all the same. To them, I'm just a pebble in the sound of Chickster without a name. Nobody gives a hang for what I say or do. But you, you in the shelter of your arms, I find peace and comfort and care for I am wanted there. In this cold world, I struggle to survive and sometimes I would fall. You'd think someone would lend a helping hand. They'd sooner see me crawl. Just when life itself seems more than I can bear, you're there. And in the shelter of your arms, I find strength and safety and then, for I am wanted there. I want to thank you all for listening to Chickster's Nest. I am the Chickster and it's exciting to have you listen to this program. I love you. I love you, honestly. You know, Washington, speaking of presidents, Washington in today's world, he might have been first in war and first in peace, but if he never told a lie, there went his chances to be elected. Our president was supposed to take a trip on Air Force One, but he couldn't remember the number of the flight. George Washington wore high platform heels, boots, tights, satin pants, a ruffled silk shirt, and curly wig, and he ran for president in 13 colonies, and he won. In Waco, Texas, he'd have to run for his life. The president is doing the best he can. That should scare you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy to be here in America. And in America, everybody can be president of the United States. It's the risk you take. You know, folks, it's tough being president and everybody knows that. Everybody knows what you make and where you live. Abe Lincoln wouldn't have it any other way. He wouldn't have trouble getting an education today. He'd be a cinch for a basketball scholarship. Lincoln showed you can become a somebody in Washington, even if you're poor. And George Washington proved that being rich doesn't hurt either. Seriously, folks, I saved a $5 bill for sentimental reasons. My wife looks like Lincoln. Here are some quotes I'd like to read to you. I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. Jimmy Carter. I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again. Bill Clinton. Look, when I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point. Barack Obama. Man cannot live by bread alone. He must have peanut butter. James Garfield. Being president is like running a cemetery. You've got a lot of people under you and nobody listening. That was Bill Clinton again. Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but never does anyone else any good. Lyndon Johnson. Politics make me sick. William Howard Taft. Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt. That was Herbert Hoover. That's true. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy. Personally, I think we should have a woman for president. At least she can't F everybody. We need another election. Well, not Sarah P., but Hillary for sure. To make a long story, short. You know, folks, I think we just need two ladies. You've got to have a little mazel cause mazel means good luck. And with a little mazel, you'll always have a book. And if you have no mazel, and though you're on the ball, you try and try and can't get by, you beat your head against the wall. Don't ever try to figure why you seem to be the blame. That some folks have a million and can't even write their name. You've got to have a little mazel and you never will get stuck. Cause with a little mazel, you'll always have good luck. You've got to have a little mazel, cause mazel means good luck. And with a little mazel, you'll always have a book. And if you have no mazel, and though you're on the ball, you try and try and can't get by, you beat your head against the wall. Don't ever try to figure why you seem to be the blame that some folks have a million and can't even write their name. You've got to have a little mazel, cause mazel means good luck. And with a little mazel, you'll always have a book. And can't even write their name. You've got to have a little mazel, and you never will get stuck. Cause with a little mazel, you'll always have good luck. And never will get stuck. Cause with a little mazel, you'll always have good luck. Don't ever try to figure why you seem to be the blame that some folks have a million and can't even write their name. You've got to have a little mazel, and you never will get stuck. Cause with a little mazel, you'll always have a book. And if you have no mazel, you'll always have a book. And if you have no mazel, you'll always have a book. Cause with a little mazel, you'll always have a book. You'll always have good luck. Oh, you'll always have good luck. Mazel means good luck to you. You're listening to Chickster's Nest, and that was mazel. That was Louie Prima and Keeley Smith. Leapin' lizards, frogs, and figs. I wanna dance and do a figma jig. February 29th is the day Playing checkers, what do you say? King me, king me, and stop jumping over me. Leapin' lizards, frogs, and figs. I wanna dance and do a figma jig. You know, I wish I had two ladies with me. They're... Be-lee-lee-lee-lee Be-lee-lee-lee-lee Be-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee Be-lee-lee-lee-lee Two ladies Be-lee-lee-lee Two ladies Be-lee-lee-lee And I'm the only man, yeah. Be-lee-lee-lee I like it. Be-lee-lee-lee They like it. Be-lee-lee-lee This two for one. Be-lee-lee-lee Two ladies Be-lee-lee-lee Two ladies Be-lee-lee-lee And he's the only man. Yeah. Be-lee-lee-lee He likes it. Be-lee-lee-lee I like it. Be-lee-lee-lee-lee This two for one. Be-lee-lee-lee I do the cooking and I make the bed I go out daily to earn our daily bread But we've one thing in common He and me The key Be-lee-lee-lee The key Be-lee-lee-lee The key Be-lee-lee-lee Be-lee-lee-lee We switch partners daily to play as we please Oooo Oooo Oooo Two Z beats one Z. But nothing beats threes. I sleep in the middle. I'm left and I'm right. But there's room on the bottom if you drop in some nights. Ha ha ha! Billy Dee Dee Dee! Two ladies Billy Dee Dee Dee! Two ladies Billy Dee Dee Dee! And he's the only one! Yeah! Billy Dee Dee Dee! I like it! Billy Dee Dee Dee! I like it! Billy Dee Dee Dee! It's two for one! Billy Dee Dee Dee! Yeah, that was two ladies and this is the Chickster. And I am insane in the bedroom! I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't! I can't! Billy Dee Dee Dee! Ha ha ha! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Ha ha ha! I feel much better. I guess I took a couple of aspirin. Much better, much better. I'm fine. Thank you everybody for listening to our show, episode number five. I want to thank Laramie Jeremy, our chief engineer. And I want to thank Oonamoon. And I want to thank myself for being so crazy. And I want to thank you, my listening audience, because without you, where would I be? Where would the Chickster be? I'd be laying an egg somewheres up in a ranch. Listen, thank you. That's our show. And I'll see you soon, next Saturday at 11 a.m. at the Chickster. 11 a.m. on Chickster's Nest here at Skid Row Studios. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
