Hello everybody welcome to Skid Row Studios you're listening to an all-new episode of Bad Advice I'm your host Drew Marks we're here every Saturday from 2 to 3 I want to also welcome our listeners hearing us on Extreme Talk Sirius XM channel 165 you can hear us on Sirius XM every Saturday 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time that's 7 for you West Coast people I am joined by funny people as I am every week here on Bad Advice so let's start by welcoming my guests we have Ken August host of the weekly wrap-up happy to be here buddy Vic Cohen host of it's a fair question hello Drew nice to see you sir and I want to thank you for coming in because I know you're flying out to Chicago right after that's right I've got a big gig I'm actually running a Passover Seder on Monday it's huge it's like the biggest gig in Chicago forget Second City we have a first timer here this week a very funny lady I've had the pleasure of doing stand-up with her we'll get more into that later but Jen Murphy is here and she's beautiful isn't she beautiful we have three in theory we have three beautiful women here two of them are not sitting here at the moment we're waiting on Felicia Michaels and Christy Murphy that will not stop Vic from hitting on them by the way just because of that because they're not here no no he'll just pay extra attention to the chairs he hits on the chairs and then they sit into it I was going to say I always see three beautiful women here I mean I have that ability that makes Sal Rodriguez very uncomfortable I do want to thank our sponsor for the show today audible which it's audible.com if you can get a free trial yes well no it's audible.com but to get the free book you go to audibletrial.com slash skid row and you'll get a free trial and you'll get a free trial and you'll get one free audio book that is that is you got some of the words right but how about audibletrial.com slash skid row studios wow that was did I not say that no no you said some of those words I'm looking at the thing it's highlighted right there yes but whoever wrote that sucks all right the person who gave me this is wrong so let's correct that go to audibletrial.com slash skid row studios little fellas growing up and you put that in you get a free audio book because let's face it none of us like to read and most of our listeners can't read exactly that's why bad advice comes with pictures I thought it was a fad is it people still read nowadays it's true on their cell phones that's true yes yeah that's why I had to get an extra big cell phone big letters looking at pictures reading technically if they're pictures of words yes all right if you are unfamiliar with bad advice what we do here is we will help the world at large with questions on any subject at all you can also give us a call here at the studio the number is 800-893-9562 and you got all those numbers I got those numbers right that's right Nick is our sound guy he will get you on the air even though I don't see the screen call in oh let me go in there and help you out with that right now he is the man with the power and again the number here 800-893-9562 you can ask questions on any subject at all and we will help you out with some truly bad advice we also take news stories from around the world we're going to get started with that these are people I feel like I'm going to be able to help you out with some truly bad advice we're going to get started with this first one Andrew Wardle is a 39 year old British man who was born without a penis he will undergo a series of three surgeries over the next year to craft a male sex organ out of his own arm that takes that takes three surgeries apparently three surgeries for that it's a big arm he's making a third arm you want to is that a third leg this is amazing though check this out it says he was born with what's called an ectopic bladder meaning it's outside of his body an estimated 1 in 30 million men are born with a condition which usually sees a small fold of skin less than an inch long in place of the penis just in case you needed that diagnosed Vic I like I like a penis that can work the TV remote it's nice verging on suicide a few years ago because of his missing manhood Wardle visited a doctor who said it's possible to fabricate a functioning member or this story it's his surgeon must now build from scratch a new penis that can pass urine have feeling make sex possible and look natural they'll use a large flap of forearm skin with its blood vessels and nerves then fold it into a tube like a Swiss roll then graft it on to the pubic area one you're making me hungry well it is chocolate and cream filled too I'm thinking I'm actually getting a black arm I just want to I would love to arm wrestle his dick come on in here's an arm wrestle Vic still won't win you just told that story that's the fourth time Vic has said that today Christy McHugh welcome to the show honey oh my goodness well hey Jen all right Jen we're doing a quick little story tell her about arm dick this guy was born without a penis but a surgery grafts him a brand new penis made out of his own arm it's crazy I know now here's the thing this is why you walked into him yeah his surgeon's gonna build him a new penis he's gonna build one out of his arm where they take this fold and then roll it up like a tube like a Swiss roll and then graft it onto the pubic area now despite not being able to have full sex with women Wardle has boasted he's had more than 100 partners he says most of the time they didn't seem too bothered they liked the fact that I could pleasure them in other ways and never expected anything in return only once is telling a woman I don't have a penis turned out badly only once? wait he didn't have a penis at all? at all just no like a nub but wait let me finish it says that's called female only once is telling a woman I don't have a penis turned out badly she got angry and punched me in the face that'll happen I think she had a penis right? this guy must be so good at oral you better be like amazing yeah if only one woman complained out of a hundred I've gotta say she wasn't with a hundred can I just say that as a huge finger as a shorter guy that's funny as a shorter guy I it's kind of like having a small penis like you have to not that I have a small penis but you have to have a small penis that's already implied that's kind of what you said no that's not true that's not true the size of the height of a man doesn't dictate the size of a penis no it's true none of that is true but I have huge ears right yeah and a humongous penis no women have certain expectations like apparently I'm supposed to listen oh got it okay but as I say you know I have developed my oral skills as well and I totally agree with Jen you know this guy must be a master because I am a master and it's because I've had a make-up for being a shorter guy a master and yeah his given name was Bader as a shorter man it's kind of like having a it's kind of like being a man with a small penis it's like fat girls that give better blowjobs that's because they're hungry Jen that's true Vic knows that he is a master because none of us are like him none of the dolls have actually ever complained that's true no I never thought about that I am like a fat girl very much yes you give great oral sex but no here's my question about this guy is there now a penis shaped hole in his arm like what is going on with his arm where they took penis away from it that's true I just think this is a fascinating story because this guy now has the only penis that can jerk itself off that's fantastic best handshake ever he must be fat though if he can make a whole penis out of his arm how big do you think a penis has to be exactly Jen well can it get erect yeah it says it'll function it still has an elbow here's the thing it can pass urine which makes me really not want to touch this man's arm what yeah where is he from England oh so it's also gonna be a penis with very very bad teeth it's also gonna be on the wrong side of his thigh that's funny okay on that we'll move on to the next story David Lay is a vocal coach who uses sex toys to help singers reach higher octaves oh no apparently he's in Canada and he's creating a lot of buzz with his titillating technique for improving students singing skills he puts sex toys on their throats University of Alberta drama professor David Lay swears by the sex toys and uses them to massage the throats of actors and singers he says I know it's a bit different I know there's a giggle factor but it works it relaxes tension in the larynx and it impresses the audience and improves range and projection he's not a junior high school choreographer no church choir no he'd be massaging from the bottom I think he's sticking those things other places that would make me reach a higher note I'll tell you that right now that was my first thought wow that was pretty impressive what is in there what do you have in there right now that was fantastic it's practice you know what I like about were you gonna say no go ahead I was gonna say what I like about the story is it's so nondescript about the adult toys like you know anal beads how is that going to in any way no he said anal beads he said vibrator did it say vibrator yeah no actually it didn't I just did yeah you just said vibrator it just said sex toys I mean I don't know how he said he vibrates them against the larynx like rubbing a butt plug against someone's throat isn't gonna make them do anything if you threaten me with one I will do whatever I have to is pretty much it's also a little weird that he chose you could get just a regular massager I'm not kidding you guys talk amongst yourselves the guy choosing vibrators to rub on people's throats there's no such thing as a regular vibrator no there's no a massager every man every massager is a sex toy in cloak or whatever cloaked or or or watching machine or yeah anything that moves is that what you're saying well yeah okay I think the next step is gonna be like um I just need to come in your mouth and your voice is gonna get a lot better right but I appreciate that is a great idea the semen really just coats the throat seriously if that works I am going to be a vocal teacher starting tomorrow we are going right from this show to voice practice this is gonna be fantastic you're calling me wow my phone just rang I'm pretty sure it's Felicia lost somewhere half a cup of wine and Drew takes off from the show Drew's calling me it's really sad when Drew's our first caller no but our number here is 800-893-9562 if you're out there and you see Felicia Michaels wandering the streets of downtown LA kindly point her out to the studio I don't have her number I would call her who is she? Felicia Michaels it was the it was the danger I had I booked three blondes today and I was sure one of you was not showing this is not real blondes I'm a little blonde darker roots than Alex Haley come on there's all kind of activity here in this room there's a lot of activity you're making calls I'm not sure what's going over here I'm trying to check in because I that's what we're supposed to do on the Facebook right on the Facebook or Twitter are you married? are you married? no why? okay I saw a ring on your marriage finger oh that is your left finger what are you doing? it's an upside down cross she's married to God it's an upside down cross is that what that means? I'm married to Satan which means we're engaged is it an upside down cross a cross? doesn't that mean you're married to God? dear darling does that mean you're married to Jesus? no he cheats on you or Jesus Jesus Christo it could be a Jesus what's the question? well no just to finish up with the vibrator thing here's the funny thing most people who are using that like I don't know if it increases your range or you just get that sound if you're doing it wrong yeah that sounds like a heavy vibration on your throat I was thinking more like a gag factor I think it's a fair question for the ladies here if they've ever had a sex toy you used it in their throat no in the throat? in their throat in the throat in the throat you know how toasters come with instructions for stupid people on it no no I have it I would think that would be good do people do that? at the gynecologist that's normal right horse coaches do it apparently at the gynecologist I have to say right now I'm getting really the gynecologist that's normal right I'm getting really turned on right now me too I seriously am I can't help it of course you can't I'm moving my legs he's vibrating on his chair right now guys alright do I switch seats? yes my lap is available no and fix it into your lap that's it okay I have this next story if that one was turning you on maybe this one will change that I hope so although in your case I am not so sure I just I don't know what it is I suddenly got there twin 70 year old prostitutes have finally retired after turning tricks since their 20th birthday wow they're the double twins twin the double mint whores yes 50 years they've been whoring together 50 years it says it's nice they are thought to be Amsterdam's oldest working girls their names are Louise and Martine Fockins and they have been Fockins they have been walking the streets for over 50 years and they estimate they have had sex with a combined total of 355,000 men damn it Gina is that a conversion rate is that American men or is that no no that's the straight number that's a lot of sperm I want to see their vaginas how old how old oh my god well does it get beat up or what keep your eyes on the floor here's the thing the sisters say they're finally too old for their careers it says Martine is a mother of three and she says it's kind of hard these days to attract new clients though she won't be abandoning her weekly sadomasochism session with one elderly fellow no it's hard to let that go she says I couldn't give him up he's been coming to me for so long it's like going to church on a Sunday how many women did how many men did they estimate 355,000 some little girls didn't get hugged enough as a child or got hugged too much by the wrong people these women are like the McDonald's of whores that is awesome except at that age you get a crack rib I want them to hunt down the guy with the arm penis just as a last like a hurrah I want other pictures of these ladies because I yes yes they look like pink marshmallow puff I was wondering what Vic's shirt meant that said I was number 335,000 I didn't know what that meant oh god bless them my parents slept with these 74 year old whores and all I got was this stinking t-shirt is that what that shirt said whores where did those three children come from they're vaginas that's scary I don't I'm just if you're the kid and you've got to like you know you're at school going so what does your mom do oh just bangs 175,000 guys how old are the kids I wonder oh I'm just surprised how heavy they are cause I mean with all that walking yeah right I love that they say they've been walking the streets for 50 years like you never got an upgrade to like working in a brothel or something I know right you couldn't assist to get a house they do some nice gams gams Vic well if they're 70 I guess you have to use the word gams you have to use the word gams sweet Jesus I know I would call did she really need to pull her little dress off yeah you see that I think it's beautiful I think older people they should have sex and it's great these two ladies have and I'm actually sorry they're giving it up oh I would call her the ugliest hooker I've ever seen but there's two of them they are ugly and they're twins see God in everyone see God in everyone I wonder if they've ever done it together see God in everyone what does the C stand for in that part of that sentence cause I don't I'm not touching her C anywhere near that thing that thing's horrible what they should do if I were their managers I would I would tell the ladies no I would cause there's a lot of business money making opportunities here oh yeah they should get in get with it and have a web you know like a website and do live chat I bet they would get like they I mean they don't need to walk the streets there's easier there are easier ways ladies yeah just call that hooker at Klondike57 what are you talking about she's not getting online that mess there are guys that love everything if a thing has a vagina there's a guy for it you are that guy I'm fully aware of that guys love everything no no there's a guy for everything no there's a fetish yeah yeah and there is a guy trust me there's a guy for those two ladies and I might be that guy and he died in 1977 yeah he's 115 no there's nothing wrong with I don't know oh no we hurt your feelings would you would you bang one of those ladies I wouldn't them but I would be open to making love I wouldn't call bang plays making love I would make love you would make love to one of those ladies look at his face not necessarily them but I would make love to a 70 plus lady if there was some chemistry what kind of chemistry here's the thing there would have to be extreme chemistry at work to allow me to do that chemistry that makes me forget who I am no the chemistry of xeritol and cacao no what I mean is I was gonna say ecstasy like the chemistry I'm experiencing with Jen yes oh she's twirling her hair you know what that means that's flirting that's flirting I'm so happy you are sitting on this side of the table I know Jesus she was just flirting with me did you finish that first cup of wine no you're drinking wine that roofie should have already kicked in then don't even joke like that that's serious no I wouldn't that's why I wasn't joking when I said it I would tell you I shared this once before but one time I was really horny and I didn't want to look at actual porn so I looked because I just didn't want to go there so I looked at a vagina exam you have told this story an exam a couple of times I was just so horny but I didn't want to look at real porn so it was a vaginal exam and it was a seven year old woman it was lent or something please tell me you did not jerk off to that no but I was amazed at how her tender parts were so pink Jen there is nothing on TV that he will answer that question in the negative too no and her breasts look like a teen's nothing and she was in her seriously in her seventies tender parts what did you go to KFC to find this woman what are you talking about yay better late than never we have Felicia Michaels Felicia Michaels has joined us Felicia oh my god in honor of Felicia we will move right on to the next story I want to remind our listeners you are hearing us on Extreme Talk XM channel 165 165 you hear us there every Saturday at 10 p.m. 7 p.m. west coast time our number here at the studio 800-893-9562 give us a call if you have a question or if you want to join the conversation our next story a woman in Liberty Lowe Texas has burned down her home while trying to kill a snake by setting it on fire says she saw the snake threw gasoline on the snake then lit the snake on fire the snake then went into the brush pile and the brush pile caught the home on fire idiot yeah she says that when she called 911 when it happened and this was the phone call says they caught her saying we were trying to kill a snake with fire it done caught the house it done caught the house the dispatcher replies caught the house yeah the house is on fire the house is on fire could you hurry up please we don't need no water doesn't she have a hose how did it get that bad before she grabbed a hose or something I say fuck that snake is what I say and that was worth it if she caught the house on fire really you and Gus should be married right here I don't like snakes I am with you I don't think she overreacted in any way shape or form not at all she lit the house on fire trying to kill a snake why do you want it on fire you know what you can do you can put firecrackers inside and they blow up how do you get it inside you will not get the babysitting job again that's some personal experience I swear to god I did that wait you put the firecracker in the snake no in the baby first the little kid Nathan in the baby he ripped this garter it was a garter snake so you know you guys hate snakes but I would do the baby thing I would put it in the okay moving on ripped the snake in half and then I was like how did you get the firecracker in the snake because it was ripped in half and so so the snake is already dead at that point and there is snake guts all over the children who is this kid that's ripping snakes in half what future serial killer were you babysitting exactly just a sweet little boy in Iowa grew up to be Charles Manson that's a good boy that is a good boy here's the thing once again I don't think he treated that snake too poorly either he did like a he-man thing above his head and like ripped it in half oh my god he did you people are horrible and then you decided to blow it up why not wow then you take those two pieces of snake you put it in the house you light the house on fire I gotta be honest Chrissy I'm torn between thinking you I hate you and you're the worst babysitter ever or like the coolest chick I've ever met it was fun we were bored what do you do out on the farm huh what other animals have you blown up well there was one pig up Vic up ah yeah blown up sorry we won't talk about that do people listen to this they defriended me on Facebook after I posted that little story oh because of the nun thing no the nun thing yeah she got in trouble last time she was here should I not be bringing that up we should talk about that okay right moving on she's sister superior and they'll fire her really yeah you guys don't remember those stories to our listeners listen to it the last episode when Chrissy was here there's some really funny shit going on with her family and then he started doing weird things and pointing so I stopped and you have to tell us after we're off air we can talk after this is an inside joke by the way do you have wine yet no I would love some wine because I'm nervous now because she seems violent oh I'm not I'm just fun loving here's the thing she will rip you in half and then put a firecracker inside you three minutes before you got here she killed a water buffalo on the table with her teeth it was really weird with my ankle sure nice alright well just so you ladies know I did buy appropriate wine for the show today did you see the label I need to give some to Jose in the parking garage it's a menage a trois wine there's six of us now I don't want to disappoint you guys over there on the other side of the table but it's gonna have to be you you know Gus, Vic and maybe Nick okay nice I'll handle the rest nice I'm open wait what happened hey just just shut up and smile Nick you're good buddy got it you're in a we're gonna get you in a threesome that's the good news yeah don't ask about the bad news buddy recording yeah bad news not important okay menage a trois never work anyway so I don't know why really you're doing it wrong I had a menage a trois last night no no how many have you tried no I'm just saying like everyone that I've asked that's done a menage a trois it always is two girls a guy it starts out beautifully and then one girl always runs away crying that's how it always ends I'm gonna go as the voice of experience and go no really yeah what's the problem wait Christy just had one last night did you really with Ben and Jerry dang it I believed you hey there lovely girl no they actually are two guys Ben and Jerry it has nothing to do with ice cream I always get fooled well if you can wait if you can delay the woman running away and crying long enough does the guy still not win that story I still think cause he has an arm dick I actually like that I've been duped if that's how it really goes that's mostly how it goes Drew's very smooth over there but that's mostly the average experience no a lot of times okay I apologize I think maybe the statute of limitations is up on this I had always promised I would never use his name and tell his story but do you know the comic Billy Dee I don't think so I've heard that name before yeah yeah he and I did one with the waitress yeah what up I'm sorry Billy I know I promised I would never tell this story but it is a great story did you cross swords book comedy club and Drew ran away crying yeah no no it was at laughs in Tucson oh my god laughs in Tucson laughs in Tucson here's the mistake we made it was the first night like we were there Tuesday through Saturday night the first night and that was the mistake you never do it on the first night I had just started a serious relationship with the waitress well not a serious I had started dating this girl that I was like in love with I'm like the other girlfriend I had never committed to a girl before in love with her that you on the first night in fucking Tucson you did a threesome that's how much you loved the girl yes the first night you weren't I'm not always clear on love he loved her on a lovely basis on a lovely basis I didn't say I was good at it I I didn't say I was good at it I no but here's what happened I was not gonna do it this waitress was totally you're forced flirting with me and I'm like no no I can't do it can't do it no no and then she's like you have to fight women off at least have a shot of tequila with me I'm like no that's how I get in trouble I'm not doing it she goes have one shot I had one shot that turned into a couple I'm like that's it I'm leaving I'm going back to the condo so I go back and I'm like that's it I did see me being Mr. Nice I did the right thing I went back I'm like I should come back you gotta come back I'm like nope not gonna do it I'm gonna be good I am in my room in bed he knocks on my door and I can tell he's drunk 'cause the door opens and there's giggling and he's holding the girl in front of me goes she wanted to say goodnight to you I'm like I can't be I'm a people person oh my god so we end up going crazy with this girl at one point not to be like graphic but she is bent over and not to be not to be graphic but she's clutching like a peach not to be graphic but here are some photos that I took he's in her mouth I'm doing her from behind oh my god oh oh you guys and there is a crack to the ass just but like a much stronger one than would normally be considered acceptable a crack you know like a oh one of those a smack to the ass like so loud though that you're like ooh and everybody just kinda stopped and froze what they everybody well there was three of us and the audience if there had been if you include me the people on webcam yes no there was just the three of us now here's the thing Billy does a lot of shows for churches what yeah so he was like we can never talk about this hey can I make a quick correction Billy used to do a lot of shows for churches so anyway so when this crack everybody stops and freezes everybody and like yeah and all of a sudden she turns around like she takes Billy out of her mouth turns around looks at me and we're like oh my god something's about to go wrong and she looks at me and goes hit me harder oh damn who is this girl so Billy and I look at each other and high five over her back oh I hate the high five you seen an Eiffel Tower yeah this is a woman I've never had a threesome bullshit I know you're a threesome but I know what an Eiffel Tower is the Eiffel Tower no one knows what an Eiffel Tower is that hasn't had a threesome what's an Eiffel Tower what are you like oh I read it in a book high fiving over oh yeah see she does she's been with four people she bites people never three here's the funniest part of that story the next morning Billy and I you know she goes she leaves she goes back Billy and I can't even make eye contact we're like this is very uncomfortable you and Billy can't yeah because you massaged each other didn't you a little bit I know it was close he had he had a fiance I had a girlfriend he was all bad all bad right so we're like we can't even make eye contact I'm like you want to go get breakfast yeah we don't speak we don't look at each other we're sitting at a restaurant no one is saying a word didn't hold each other at all no no there was no comforting separate tables and so we're sitting at the table and like the waitress comes over take two that's funny no I just go Billy he's like yeah I'm like hit me harder and we just start laughing and it was fine after that but then she wanted to do it again like every night and Billy and I are like no no no we can't do that damn this girl is hungry she was pissed can you imagine there must be no entertainment in Tucson I know that waitress I know that waitress that hurts me have you been back since no no I've not I won't go back to Tucson shocking the thing is be honest there's like eight states I will not go back to not allowed okay wait did Billy D marry that girl he was engaged to yes and you just told that story Billy Billy I miss you and I'm still considering you a good friend he hates you so much you were such an asshole you just broke guy code dude you also don't tell the whole story and you can be honest about this at some point in that love making session your balls touched his balls no never bullshit not in that one no because we never did DP you know for the record they touch balls at other times just when we were doing stand up because we were close but did your eyes lock though did your eyes lock while you were having sex oh yeah definitely that's a big deal oh listen any sex I do is with feeling yeah but you don't have any sex I do but you can't feel it I have no problem with you I'm gonna say you had a homosexual experience that night and you don't you know include that in the story don't pick out the best pieces for you yeah no let me just say is the homosexual part the best piece for you is that what you're claiming you don't get to just make up what happened I'm telling you what happened Billy I'm gonna need you to call in Billy's sperm let me tell you something Billy's sperm was in the room you were in the room your sperm was in the room with Billy's sperm that's a gay experience it's okay it's okay but just own that part of the story I don't think that's a gay experience thank you our sperm is in the same room right now no it's still inside our bodies you're not mixing a cocktail with it what are you asking about I guarantee you some of his sperm touched your thigh or something no yeah oh that's so here's a question I have for you Drew and it could be the half a glass of wine my question is what part of the story would we not have understood if you didn't ruin this comedian's life by saying his name like would we be like I don't get it I don't know oh no no no Billy D's not his real name oh yeah no good call did that help I'm sure his wife will fall for it did that help tell me this tell me this I'm sure his wife will I am curious about this tell me how big Billy D's penis is yeah and what did it taste like since you no I can't go into this story without what did it taste like is it I have a question this is a little off well not really have you ever nared your a-hole have I ever what nared oh I see how that's connected to the story it's a fine segway someone told me that last night that he nared it not only alone with a bunch of his fraternity buddies oh that's not normal is it not normal okay have you ever shaved your butthole yes really yeah nair is chemicals though yeah gross no I don't trust that I haven't waxed or anything no are you like a razor back there electric oh I gotta be honest he has a gardener he has a gardener I'll be honest I use a beard trimmer I do use a Mexican gardener beard trimmer I'll use a beard trimmer I use a nose trimmer you can do that too because it's so pointy and you just it kind of feels okay it kind of feels good hey Drew that thing making that noise in your ass it's not a trimmer I can tell you that right now what was that little vibration noise you made her name was Debbie okay all right I want to remind our listeners once again you're hearing us on Extreme Talk XM channel 165 as well as right here on skidrowstudios.com we're gonna do one more quick question and then or a quick story and then we're gonna move on to questions apparently we have a former high school student in Saginaw, Michigan who put semen in a breath mint bottle and distributed it to students could have his arrest record permanently sealed as well as several of those people's lips creative creative it's creative yeah Jordan T. Drake 18 pleaded guilty to adulterating a food item when he put semen into a bottle of ice drops breath mint oh wow yeah he then gave that to other students did you just reminisce that you just had that breath mint like why why did you stop so weird oh that was great no I'm just thinking because I used to use those ice breath mint drops how did they find out yeah how did it taste I'm guessing several of those students said this tastes familiar I just hope he ate pineapple before he did his thing wow that's supposed to make it sweeter yeah how did he get it into the little bottle like did he have a funnel or an eyedropper he had a tiny little pee pee really good aim is this the same guy that had your penis is this our penis guy yeah well the penis first unscrewed the lid and then I just don't well I don't know that's all very weird but it would really change the consistency though wouldn't it not unless you shook it a lot but then it'd be kind of foamy not that I know I love you so much right now I do is this not the best show ever I know you showed up late but I fucking love you so much right now okay sorry I was right sperm get foamy sperm would not get foamy if it's mixed with breath mints well actually I'll ask the ladies have you ever after having men's sperm in your mouth really enjoyed that and go wow that's something I want to recreate never don't eat that if this was just foamy is that what they were saying well the only recently the only experience that I've had is I have this new boyfriend and when he ejaculated so much it's like I'm being fucking waterboarded you know how old is he have you given up any secrets no no well sometimes I do yell out you know my terrorists sell me to people you know what a person who lived in my apartment complex it shot in her eye she had to go to the doctor that happened to Robin C a comic friend of mine and she was laughing about it the doctor sat around and he's like you know you can get gonorrhea of the eye and go blind what yeah gonorrhea of the eye she had gonorrhea of the eye and she nearly went she didn't go blind but it was you can go blind gonorrhea gonorrhea well a professional knows always close your eyes she's a letter carrier a professional she's a letter carrier now I always give my ladies Florida goggles sport in the blue and white you gotta give them goggles that's what I do I just give warning a warning is always a very gentlemanly thing to do sometimes you can't gentlemanly I give a warning too I usually give it about 30 seconds late yeah no you gotta give a warning you know something like stop struggling no no that's terrible Vic why would you say that that was not that was true that was not me I don't say things like that I'll tell you what little one you get a little rapey dude rapey that's a little questionable I'm part Indian yes you watch your ass you guys don't know the news stories all the women are staring at me like why would he say that you know India is you know feather not dot all these stories about in India where all the women are getting raped I shouldn't have to catch up on news stories that's next show all right all right listen we're gonna move to questions if you have one join us here 800-893-9562 make sure you subscribe to all our episodes free at the iTunes store you can also go to the Facebook page for bad advice and submit your questions there our first one Elise in Niles, Illinois says my boyfriend has ridiculously long toenails my legs are all scratched up in the morning one time I even woke up bleeding what can I do short of moving out to get him to cut those things cut him cut him while he's sleeping yeah when he's sleeping would you cut another person's toenails I wouldn't do that I don't like feet I'm not doing that if it's your boyfriend when he is sleeping yes Elise I was like what yes Elise here's my advice to you you need to just start growing your pubes out and never do anything about it until he does his oh my god a pubic Rapunzel yeah I would just let it grow and eventually he will get the message and also leave Niles I've been there it's not a nice city I think I think I think she should just stop wearing tampons oh that's a fine idea I like how you said wearing as if it's wearing that's what I was thinking I'm wearing a tampon today when the guy well if she wakes up bloody do you announce like who it's from you know I'm wearing tampax today right when the guy is sleeping she should take one of his legs and stab him with the other leg yeah that's what I do that's what you do what happened why are you all bloody and how tall is he if he's scratching your legs up with the toenails like what's going on with that I guess they're that long I don't know I'm with Christy on this seriously if you were like my partner and your life depended on getting those things cut I'd be like I'm going to have to find someone else yeah but this is bad advice late case as you remind everyone I do have to remind people that every now and again also I will say the tampon thing wouldn't turn me off no that's not enough maybe there's a reason why he has them long you can roll them in shit for an hour it's not going to turn them off he's fine I would say what he just said just shit your pants all the time oh you know I can't I don't approve of anything that's poop related that will get him to do it I don't approve of anything that's poop related I don't I don't like poop jokes I don't like poop advice I don't like anything poop like poop on his chest while he's sleeping oh stop it you're going to make he liked it you're going to make Gus very happy don't do it do you guys want to be alone Jen just poop on his face when he's sleeping every time did you not just hear me no poop jokes he went from the chest to the face yeah you got to bring you got to take it up a level he's looking at you like I don't understand what the chest is going to do any more wine over there Christy sure this is a good episode with the wine isn't it awesome we love drinking here on the show we just don't care I barely got sober we had a crazy you and Ben and Jerry what did you do last night I went to see a friend after she went and got a facial have you heard of a thing called so she was just hanging out with her boyfriend and go on yeah she was with this boy and then I showed up there and a guy friend of mine showed up and we drank like Kennedy's seriously nice wow it was an insane evening drove off a bridge so somebody didn't make it yeah talk about rapey okay next question or yeah it says I should I'm not good when I drink not at all you get fascinated like surprised by hey what is this vintage okay go ahead this is all right my boyfriend and I live apart I work in a bar and I'm constantly being hit on by good looking guys and I'm like how do I resist and keep from giving into temptation I've always had a really strong sex drive please help I love the show Connie and Lancaster stop being a whore just fuck the guys what's the problem I don't even get what the fishy was she has a boyfriend you aren't you always the one saying respect the relationship yeah and now you're telling her no I seriously Vic you're the only one at the table not drinking you're like fuck him can I give some good advice on this bad advice sure why not if she's being tempted then she's not really into the boyfriend there you go that's not necessary true that's totally that's sexist no that's sexist that's bullshit she said she's very horny so the boy needs to be given enough more wait a minute let me ask you a question listen it's the boyfriend's fault the boyfriend must be really bad at sex that's true I'll grant that but let me ask you a question I'll give you three girls are you going to tell me if you're in a relationship that you don't think about other guys you don't see a guy you can window shop you just can't go in oh yeah but you said if she was the fact that he's thinking about it or that she's thinking about it well the thing is she's acting on it she's like how do I get stop giving in to temptation here's what I would do that's not what she said here's what she said how do I resist and keep from giving in she hasn't done it yet I've got the answer she's just thinking about it what she should do is have all those guys jerk off into a mint bottle of and she should just take that and then it's kind of like she's getting best of both worlds is this lady literally asking us how to not be a whore is that what she's asking us to do how do I stop giving in if you retire like the 274 year old she can do that I mean here's the thing you can't ask the women here because they have no experience with that no she should just she should fuck every guy she sees and then make sure that's out of her system before she decides to have a boyfriend and now I love her I love her yes it's true I agree with that you guys are now regular I think you should I think you should make love to the manager too try and get a raise exactly at least you get more money fuck someone that can help you yeah if you're down if you're down to fuck use it for your own advantage exactly definitely at that point at that point and I'd fuck the customers too you're probably if they wanted it or not Vic was gonna fuck the customers really get two kinds of tips fuck the customers for bigger tips just fuck everything somebody just tuned in who shouldn't be listening to this seriously is it Billy Dee no it's the guy who married his a-hole with his fraternity brothers how did that happen wait he what now Johnny Smoothass is resonating Johnny Smoothass you're listening wait a minute that's the guy who nared his butt yeah what's his name I can't say just say it it's not that bad that he nared okay listen Smoothass his name could be our number here is 800-893-9562 you should call up and talk to Christy and I here on the air with our other people again call Skid Row Studios 800-893-9562 we'll put you right on through we'll put you right on through yes and do it with the thumb in your ass and since it's smooth we expect you to make it whistle just kidding a quick little tune a little jaunty a little jaunty tune okay here we go our next question he's got an Irish asshole no son just his ass fuck only lucky charms it's magically delicious you went to school with a leprechaun that's awesome all right next question this one comes from Danny in Irvine Danny says my girlfriend is sweet she looks great and I really do love her the one thing that makes me nuts is that she constantly either misquotes stuff gets numbers wrong or confuses facts is there anything I can do no she's dumb she's dumb she's a dumb girl you cannot date a woman that's possible oh shit was this a bad episode for that joke he's single ladies he's single and the phone's like I may stutter a little bit when I get drunk but I don't get that stupid can I get a little help from Johnny Smoothass call him please Johnny Smoothass I got stepped in it on this one you know we'll save that joke for next episode never mind no as someone who had a girlfriend that just did exactly that and I would like find myself looking at her and thinking what the fuck is wrong with you it's like no it's okay to have a good looking girl but just realize it's okay to go out with a stupid girl what's this guy's name maybe she's just dyslexic maybe she just confuses things do you ever think about that maybe she does it on purpose yeah maybe she's fucking with him trying to test his knowledge maybe she's writing a letter right now saying this motherfucker never knows anything and I just say stupid shit all the time and he never well then she's a bitch have you ever done that have you ever been purposely dumb just to get somebody to get out of shit constantly constantly but then you're being an idiot because I got news for you the guy that wants to have sex with you is no less turned on just because you're acting stupid in fact he's thinking well this guy definitely is yeah here's what I would do that's a relationship that's different that's a relationship you're talking about just a guy that's hitting on you right yes okay so the guy that's hitting on you if he's hitting on you if you act stupid you know what he's thinking this is so much easier exactly look at Gary out in the lobby he's like I am going to hit that I am going to hit that look at him nice I do have some advice for Danny yes I would say Danny take advantage of her stupidity and like if you want to like make love to her ass tell her that's actually her mouth exactly exactly wow just tell her everybody does it now you're being rapey you do love poop she's really dumb no I'm not even into the buggy you've nared your ass also you can lie about the size you can lie about the size of your penis Danny because she doesn't know anything about measurements that's right tell her your penis is the innovator blind as well what's going on she can't see it take advantage of it you know no I think Vic that's a fine idea but is Danny like a professor of anything like who yeah who the fuck is Danny who the fuck is Danny what up handsome look I think it's safe to assume that because he's the guy in the relationship he's the smarter one don't gang up on Danny wow I'm kidding hey don't gang up on Danny I wasn't going to get to sleep with any of you guys anyway it doesn't matter what I say not anymore oh can I take that back we have to be don't gang up on Danny we have to be very nice to the people who write us okay what who are you I'm drinking and I don't know you normally I tear these people to shreds it's true in fact because you usually you know tear people to shreds there is a question that was directed to you I don't remember if we did this question but I'll ask it again because I don't remember there's no way I can remember it says before I moved in with my girlfriend she used to give me oral sex all the time now it only happens a few times a month a month at best I go down on her all the time how do I bring it up without sounding like a dick signed Richie yeah dumb cry in quotes it says I know P.S. I really enjoy the show and please tell Vic not to hate me well Richie I do hate you no they can't hate you can't hate Richie when he asks you not to I think he should dump her I'm gonna give some good serious advice oh shit alright you go down on her once you don't go down on her again until she gets down on you yeah and fucking even that shit Eiffel Tower Eiffel Tower who is more in love than I am right now that's actually very good advice that's great advice Richie this is what I say to you Richie this is Vic this is what you need to do look at him getting ripped off this woman is giving you her vagina and you are you're not even appreciating that it's not what you gotta enjoy this let me finish Jeremy can you turn off Vic's mic hold on I'm not kidding hold on I mean Nick let me finish the vagina is a beautiful thing what does that have to do with anything this is what it has to do with that kinds of tea in China she is giving you her vagina you should be enjoying that instead you're writing us complaining it's all about the vagina it is not it is I love the vagina this girl is a liar and a manipulator and this is coming from a woman a beautiful woman if she gave him if she gave him oral all the time until they moved in and then she suddenly changed something's wrong thank you sister I don't even care about getting oral sex I just love the vagina so much and you should too Richie you should be enjoying that vagina that's a beautiful gift you don't like blowjobs at all they're fine they're fine only a person who is not getting numb says something stupid is that look at the black guy in the lobby the only reason why he's going down on her is to get it in return no that's not true no that's not what he said I'm wondering that it's because he used to get them and it stopped it'd be different if from the beginning of the relationship you're like I'm not really into oral but if he used to get them then you know to break up Richie Richie a vagina is so beautiful just focus on the vagina if you want to have oral sex and if that's your thing then go buy one of those fleshlight things I'm going to take over here you're talking too much Richie if you want to focus on a vagina then put a picture of Vic on your wall because Vic is one giant vagina right now oh shit it's Passover don't say that it's Passover? so what are you you want an unleavened vagina? you want a kosher vagina? yeah no yeast in that vagina what is that a kosher vagina one that was killed properly the way he just talked I feel like when he sees vaginas he does like a whole like ahhh picture of him picture of him ceremony I've pleasured myself thousands of times as a little boy a day looking at photos of vagina it is so like the fact that I actually can now touch them and enjoy them and love them alright I'm going to call bullshit on you Vic cause everyone knows that a vagina he's watching medical exams instead of porn hello that a vagina looks like Don Knotts face ok so for you to be in there worshipping the vagina I call bullshit on you this is going to be a little tougher next time this is me I'm telling you I love vagina you can love ok we're going to move on I love Don Knotts ok he has gone down on Don Knotts no here's the thing one has nothing to do with the other though you can love anything all you want but I agree with Jen it's like if you as ladies if you are doing that in the beginning yeah you are setting a certain precedent it's like if you cook for the guy all the time you can't then move in together and go go get yourself something in a restaurant sure you can no but if a guy not if you start off don't set that precedent look I can't start off being really nice and complimentary to you doing nice things and then all of a sudden oh I know yes you can and it has happened to many women if it was reverse and a guy was going down on me all the time then stopped I would break up with him exactly yeah because I'm used to that pleasure but Jen let me tell you that will never happen I will take weeks off at a time Jen you are very right that will never happen in fact somebody needs to go down on me right now or I'm leaving this I want to thank you all it's been a great show and I was under the table fantastic Jen you're not wearing pants here's the thing Vicki's Vicki's not that tall but he would go up on you that's too easy that's very funny that's too easy too easy okay here's the next question this one comes in Polly in Monrovia he wrote in said whenever my girlfriend laughs really hard she pees a little this amuses me to no end she's 86 this amuses me to no end I'm always trying to make her laugh to the point where it happens she says it's embarrassing and that I'm being mean is it wrong of me to do it it's not wrong at all that's great do it I love it come on I hope he doesn't go down on her right afterwards he would think differently if she like pooed herself a little that would be different and why you gotta go with a poo joke but that's what she needs to do I don't know what to do with this seriously Jen that's what she needs to do if she's that irritated by it she should laugh so hard she shits her pants he won't do it again that's true that's good advice I'm gonna stop him from doing it again does he do stand up that's a pretty good talent make people laugh so hard well that's the thing you gotta understand guys in general I mean this isn't even an advice that I'm giving but you look at anything like Saturday Night Live or anything as a guy if you and all of us are comics right yes so you know if you there's nothing that makes you happier when you're on stage than if you see a person grabbing their side because they're hurting or you make their drink shoot out of their nose yeah that's true that's when you have reached a certain level so that's what this guy's doing it's like if you can make the woman come or shoot something out of her body in some orifice you've succeeded I agree and I like anything that comes out of the vagina yeah we've established that babies oh my god really Vic I didn't know we've established that on every question ever I mean we don't have bad advice for you on this one Pauly other than you know maybe trying to get her to poo but yeah no tell her deal with it there is not a guy on the planet did you go with a poo joke is he calling he wants a number is that the number 800-893-9456 9-5-6-2 is that Johnny Smoothass this is Johnny Smoothass alright Johnny you only got you got 7 minutes to call in buddy how does your ass call can you do that can just the ass call in that would be great only if it was made out of an arm alright here we go our next one this is an interesting one and I have been in this situation this is from Ron in Secaucus, New Jersey he says my roommate is constantly leaving dishes in the sink I can't get him to stop how do I get him to clean up after himself shit on the sink shit in the sink why all the poop talk yeah enough with the poop I don't like it no more poop you can't do anything you can't do anything this is what you're supposed to do you're supposed to take all the dirty dishes and you put them in his bed that's exactly what I did I did that with kitty litter once I did that I did that with kitty litter dude I did that with kitty litter once yeah gross he was leaving kitty litter in the sink no the guy the guy never cleaned shit up and he would ash in the glasses and I said dude stop it and he had a cat and I said dude take care of fucking something in the house and he didn't do it didn't do it didn't do it and he came home and he had kitty litter on his bed like how many times can I warn a guy was either that or I was gonna shit in his bed did it change his behavior though it did it did for two months it did for two months here's another thing I would do is get rid of all the dishes and only have paper that's what I would do that's good advice Vic you know that's good advice here is what you do you've got to like do something that's going to disturb him so this I'm not sure if we used this advice for a different question a while back but you tell him you went into his room when he was not home and you told him man you jerked off on something in his room and you're gonna keep doing this daily we can hear Gary laughing in the lobby you just do that to something in his room every day I don't care look it can be his girlfriend his toothbrush you know whatever it is jerked off on his girlfriend well you gotta do it while she's sleeping but you know whatever it is and hopefully this will disturb him enough what sorry I was wondering when my dog felt different I don't know didn't feel different to me what? don't you worry about a thing you guys don't do that? don't you worry about a thing you don't just go in and like queef on something? you just sit there and look pretty yeah okay alright okay well that's it that's all we got for you Anthony in Long Island Anthony says my girlfriend's roommate has a small long haired chihuahua that constantly barks and sheds all over the place run over it she never cleans up after it even when the dog shits in the house now that's bad enough but now she's complaining that me and my girlfriend are being too loud when we have sex any advice? yeah I got some advice fuck the dog she needs to get laid I would let Christy babysit for it if someone tears the fucking dog in half and then we're fine I'll take care of it straight away I said he should have sex with her dog that's I think that's a great idea chihuahua well Vic should have sex with her dog okay well then it's small enough I would just leave the door open I would shit on the dog there's a lot of shit talk I love all of you people what is wrong with this with the poop story I would stop I would stop wearing tampons again that is almost as natural as all natural as you are I still love you that's not even a bad oh wait you had a call oh here we go I would use the dog as my tampon I like that is he on? oh it says drop call okay hey what's happening Johnny Smoothass nice Johnny Smoothass holy cow is Johnny Smoothass loud Johnny you nared your butthole you nared your butthole you nared your butthole you nared your butthole absolutely it was the air of the pooper I can't understand this guy talk a little more softly buddy yeah what do you have a megaphone up to that clean butthole is this like it's like sports day you're like a megaphone it's Johnny Megaphone Asshole did it hurt did it hurt yeah did it burn yeah it did not feel good at all okay have you done it again since then are you like being held against your will or something are you like yeah are you like in Guantanamo what is are you naring your ass right now um no this was like 20 years ago 20 years ago does it still burn no but now it's all good now but uh you know I'm glad I'm glad that this is getting some mileage you shared it well wait a minute what am I supposed to do with that did you do this did you do this for a girl or just you were like one day going I'm bored no it's fraternity brothers no it's fraternity brothers what else you did it for your so it was a gay fraternity did you guys squirt the nair on each other's buttholes you're making Felicia very happy and she would like to know where she can get the video it's not on tape thank god oh my god okay I'm gonna go pretty soon here you're gonna ow dude what are you like talking into a tin can with string what kind of like weird ass phone do you have he's a very I have you on an earpiece hold on amateur hour you know we only have an hour for the show right now three minutes is that better that's much better now we can actually hear you now this sounds like a man with a smooth ass yeah Johnny threw that okay so you Johnny smooth so you just did this for a fraternity now Vic's fraternity made him gay so I'm just curious because I want you to be I want you to stick on while I read this next question all right Johnny all right okay hold on it says me and my friends were all on the phone all on acid recently and while we were tripping one of my fraternity friends announced that he was gay now that we're not high anymore he says he's not gay so my question he's gay my question is can being on acid make you think you're gay this is from Flip in Victorville if you've got a dick in someone's mouth good old Flip in Victorville I will say this I've been on acid and thought I was dead so I'm pretty sure I wasn't at the time so I don't know if you're necessarily gay if this guy's sitting in the room jerking off his friends on acid is you know suspect right we're talking to a guy with a neared asshole advice from me I was on acid I wasn't on acid okay hold on hold on Johnny asshole when I was 18 I was married for a year and I was on acid and thought my husband was the devil and I'm talking he had a fucking tail in the pitchfork really yes yeah so I would say okay but then the question is you're not married now so when you were no longer high on acid it doesn't sound like you ceased to believe he was the devil no no he was just lazy but he's not the devil does it really even matter so what if he's gay I was gay once on ecstasy but I'm not gay now so maybe that was awesome I don't think listen I don't think that you know going down on a woman makes you gay no it makes you lucky yeah it just makes me conscious is really I think what happens on drugs stays on drugs oh yeah I think you're right I agree with that have you ever with this guy have you ever is that a bad question yes she has look at her face they totally done it nice she totally she totally felt his smooth asshole Johnny you did Johnny I got a question for you is Christy as good as I think she is oh my sweet Jesus what was the question okay is Christy as good as I think she is oh this is such I bye bye bye bad connection that's why you're smooth ass not smooth Johnny yeah oh and he hung up they both got nervous it's too much for him so what's the deal with that alright man he's a prank caller prank caller he got nervous he was like oh bye bye he'll talk about well I have learned something very interesting Christy will stab a motherfucker is really what we've learned she looks like she's gonna stab him yeah she's like if he says anything I'm gonna kill him I'm gonna shank him I just like that the guy's comfortable talking about his asshole and how smooth but when it comes to having sex with you he suddenly has to run does that mean it's too much he got scared listen I gotta wrap it up I wanna thank everybody for being here stay tuned for the weekly wrap up with I will be on with Ken August that follows this show immediately we have Vic Cohen host of It's a Fair Question every Wednesday 10pm 10pm and go to viccohen.com Christy Murr Christy McHugh smooth ass smooth ass she's beautiful she's talented catch her wherever she's been she's performing you got a website real quick yeah christymcugh.com okay Felicia Michaels feliciamichaels.net you can get me at Twitter I mean at Felicia Michaels I've had some wine and on my podcast she said what alright and Jen Murphy thanks for being here this is Bad Advice we'll see you next Saturday thank you Drew